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1
00:00:05,130 --> 00:00:06,130
[upbeat music]
2
00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:08,810
[door clicks]
3
00:00:08,850 --> 00:00:11,810
- Hey. Sorry I'm late.
4
00:00:11,860 --> 00:00:14,150
Just give me two
seconds to get out
5
00:00:14,190 --> 00:00:16,030
my notebook for the
handoff status report,
6
00:00:16,070 --> 00:00:17,570
and I'll get you on your way.
7
00:00:17,610 --> 00:00:19,360
- Julia, you may
keep your notebook
8
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:23,280
very deep in that body bag
of a satchel you have there.
9
00:00:23,330 --> 00:00:24,700
My update is short.
10
00:00:24,740 --> 00:00:27,200
Right now, your daughter is
in her room on her phone.
11
00:00:27,250 --> 00:00:29,460
Her brother is in his
room on his phone,
12
00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:33,130
as they have been for
96% of my week with them.
13
00:00:33,170 --> 00:00:34,800
- Anything fun
planned for the week?
14
00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:36,380
- Father and son fishing trip.
15
00:00:36,420 --> 00:00:38,420
- So no.
16
00:00:38,470 --> 00:00:40,696
- Well, I don't want to keep
you from fishing or leaving,
17
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:42,680
so I'll see you next week.
18
00:00:44,220 --> 00:00:45,970
- Hey. Guys, how's it going?
19
00:00:46,010 --> 00:00:47,520
- Hey.
- Hey, Trey.
20
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:48,770
What do you say?
21
00:00:48,810 --> 00:00:49,980
[chuckles]
22
00:00:50,020 --> 00:00:51,310
Fancy looking luggage.
23
00:00:51,350 --> 00:00:52,706
What'd something
like that run you?
24
00:00:52,730 --> 00:00:54,440
- About $3,300.
25
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:56,980
- Did it come with
$3,200 inside it?
26
00:00:57,030 --> 00:00:58,820
- Practicing your
dad jokes, Jim?
27
00:00:58,860 --> 00:01:00,860
- Yes, I am.
28
00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:03,200
- Keep practicing.
29
00:01:06,790 --> 00:01:09,160
- Trey's rolling luggage in.
30
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,160
I didn't even realize he
was sleeping here now.
31
00:01:11,210 --> 00:01:13,290
Big development.
32
00:01:13,330 --> 00:01:16,340
Very peaceful and
easy-going of you, son.
33
00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:18,710
You're like Gandhi.
34
00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:22,050
- Yeah, if Gandhi's
ex-wife had her boyfriend
35
00:01:22,090 --> 00:01:23,800
stay over with her
and Gandhi's kids
36
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:26,430
without asking Gandhi first.
37
00:01:26,470 --> 00:01:28,850
- So you didn't know about this.
38
00:01:28,890 --> 00:01:31,690
You're simmering.
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00:01:31,730 --> 00:01:34,400
This is what it was like
when Gandhi realized what
40
00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:37,150
the English were really up to.
41
00:01:37,190 --> 00:01:39,610
He got mad.
42
00:01:39,650 --> 00:01:41,876
How long do you think this
fight with Julia's gonna take?
43
00:01:41,900 --> 00:01:42,966
- There's not gonna be a fight.
44
00:01:42,990 --> 00:01:43,950
- Want me to order
something for you?
45
00:01:43,990 --> 00:01:44,950
- There's not gonna be a fight.
46
00:01:44,990 --> 00:01:46,780
- Turkey burger? No onions?
47
00:01:46,830 --> 00:01:48,740
Diet Coke?
48
00:01:48,790 --> 00:01:50,410
- Regular Coke.
49
00:01:50,450 --> 00:01:53,080
- ? It's true ?
50
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:56,710
? The marriage that we
once had now is through ?
51
00:01:56,750 --> 00:02:01,420
? And now we're doing
all that we can do ?
52
00:02:01,470 --> 00:02:05,550
? To keep us all
together as a crew ?
53
00:02:05,590 --> 00:02:09,560
? Trust, do as we
say, not as we do ?
54
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:13,140
? We really thought
that we were done ?
55
00:02:13,190 --> 00:02:16,270
? But we've just begun ?
56
00:02:18,980 --> 00:02:21,740
- Don't think I don't know
what you think I don't know.
57
00:02:24,070 --> 00:02:26,950
- I don't know what you
think you know that I know.
58
00:02:27,740 --> 00:02:29,910
- I'm talking about you
trying to sneak Trey in here
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00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:31,450
to spend the night.
- Sneak?
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00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:32,766
He just walked
through the front door
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00:02:32,790 --> 00:02:36,710
with a gigantic
titanium suitcase.
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00:02:36,750 --> 00:02:39,250
- Hiding in plain sight.
63
00:02:39,290 --> 00:02:41,090
- Dude, come on.
He's my fianc� now.
64
00:02:41,130 --> 00:02:42,260
We're more or less married.
65
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:44,680
- Yeah, you're less married.
66
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:46,260
You know when you'll
be more married?
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00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:48,260
When you're married.
68
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:49,616
And when you're married,
he can stay over.
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00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:51,270
That's the rule we agreed to.
- Come on.
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00:02:51,310 --> 00:02:52,720
Stop being such a prude.
71
00:02:52,770 --> 00:02:54,496
You slept over at my apartment
before we got married.
72
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:55,916
- Yeah, because we
didn't have children.
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00:02:55,940 --> 00:02:57,810
The only people we
were corrupting was us.
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00:02:57,850 --> 00:03:00,320
Look, when we started
this whole nest thing,
75
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:01,650
we were deliberate.
76
00:03:01,690 --> 00:03:02,796
We wrote at a constitution...
at your insistence,
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00:03:02,820 --> 00:03:04,740
by the way... article
nine of which is,
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00:03:04,780 --> 00:03:06,780
no romantic interest
may spend the night
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00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:09,160
without a full family
vote and written consent.
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00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:10,386
- Trey is not a
romantic interest.
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00:03:10,410 --> 00:03:11,620
He's my fianc�.
82
00:03:11,660 --> 00:03:14,290
- For your sake, I hope
that came out wrong.
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00:03:14,330 --> 00:03:15,710
And for the sake of all the time
84
00:03:15,750 --> 00:03:17,920
we spent debating and
deliberating and mutually
85
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:21,040
concluding, I must lower
my foot down as one
86
00:03:21,090 --> 00:03:22,840
does in such a circumstance.
87
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,470
- What's the problem?
88
00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:27,736
- Why do you always
assume there's a problem?
89
00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:29,800
- Because there's
always a problem.
90
00:03:29,850 --> 00:03:31,310
- There's no problem.
91
00:03:31,350 --> 00:03:33,270
- I stand corrected.
92
00:03:36,180 --> 00:03:37,480
- The problem is when two people
93
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:39,860
have kids, get
divorced, you can't
94
00:03:39,900 --> 00:03:41,150
just do whatever you want.
95
00:03:41,190 --> 00:03:42,520
Because feelings get hurt.
96
00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:44,530
You have to foresee
potential pitfalls
97
00:03:44,570 --> 00:03:47,070
and agree on certain
guardrails and document it
98
00:03:47,110 --> 00:03:49,910
and ratify it and notarize
99
00:03:49,950 --> 00:03:51,910
what has been agreed upon.
100
00:03:54,870 --> 00:03:55,830
- What's he waving?
101
00:03:55,870 --> 00:03:57,580
- He's miming waving a document.
102
00:03:57,620 --> 00:03:58,790
- Ah.
103
00:03:58,830 --> 00:04:00,356
- I don't have to mime
it because I have it.
104
00:04:00,380 --> 00:04:02,340
Follow me, please.
105
00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:04,420
- Do we have to follow him?
106
00:04:04,460 --> 00:04:06,800
- Yes, you have to follow me.
107
00:04:09,890 --> 00:04:11,180
Behold.
108
00:04:11,220 --> 00:04:13,850
The Kearney Family Constitution,
109
00:04:13,890 --> 00:04:16,520
which codifies the
fundamental laws of the nest,
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00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,520
itemized and laminated,
not unlike what
111
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:21,690
Moses did with Yahweh's
Ten Commandments.
112
00:04:21,730 --> 00:04:23,690
- Why am I just finding
out about this now?
113
00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:25,070
- You don't know about Moses?
114
00:04:25,110 --> 00:04:27,110
Ah, where to begin.
115
00:04:27,150 --> 00:04:30,450
As a baby, he was placed in a
basket in the river Euphrates.
116
00:04:30,490 --> 00:04:31,546
- I think you mean the Nile.
117
00:04:31,570 --> 00:04:34,280
- If you knew, why'd you ask me?
118
00:04:34,330 --> 00:04:35,636
- The agreement's
been in the drawer
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00:04:35,660 --> 00:04:37,120
since the day we wrote it.
120
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:38,540
And everything's
been working fine.
121
00:04:38,580 --> 00:04:41,290
- Because our laws have been
observed and not flouted.
122
00:04:41,330 --> 00:04:43,540
Julia, would you please
read article nine
123
00:04:43,590 --> 00:04:45,550
aloud to your lover?
124
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:54,010
- "Neither parent shall have
a third party stay overnight
125
00:04:54,050 --> 00:04:55,010
in the nest while the..."
126
00:04:55,060 --> 00:04:56,770
- Whilst.
127
00:04:58,270 --> 00:05:00,350
Whilst.
128
00:05:01,810 --> 00:05:03,900
- "Whilst the
children are present
129
00:05:03,940 --> 00:05:06,780
without express written
consent from the other parent."
130
00:05:09,950 --> 00:05:12,570
- I am looking high and low
for my express written consent,
131
00:05:12,610 --> 00:05:14,910
and I am finding no
expression, no writing,
132
00:05:14,950 --> 00:05:17,370
and certainly no consent.
133
00:05:17,410 --> 00:05:19,330
- I don't get it.
What's the big deal?
134
00:05:19,370 --> 00:05:20,886
Julia and I sleep at
my place all the time.
135
00:05:20,910 --> 00:05:23,880
- Yeah, because your
place is hopefully a den
136
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:25,750
of premarital sin.
137
00:05:25,790 --> 00:05:28,260
But the nest is a place
where, since our divorce,
138
00:05:28,300 --> 00:05:31,090
Julia and I have tried to give
our kids the false impression
139
00:05:31,130 --> 00:05:33,550
that nothing has changed.
140
00:05:33,590 --> 00:05:35,680
And whilst you mock
our constitution,
141
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:38,180
it was Julia who
fought especially hard
142
00:05:38,220 --> 00:05:39,600
for the permission clause.
143
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,116
- Because I wanted
to protect the kids
144
00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:44,020
from anyone who would,
if I'm being truthful,
145
00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:45,810
sleep with you.
146
00:05:49,030 --> 00:05:50,360
- Shows what you know.
147
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:51,860
I haven't slept
with anybody. Ha!
148
00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:55,280
Bottom line, it's
up to the kids.
149
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:56,830
Hey, kids, we need you.
150
00:05:56,870 --> 00:05:58,040
- OK. OK.
151
00:05:58,080 --> 00:05:59,556
You're right, you're
right. I know, Trey.
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00:05:59,580 --> 00:06:01,290
It's a lot to absorb.
153
00:06:01,330 --> 00:06:03,040
- Phones down.
154
00:06:05,460 --> 00:06:07,920
That is technically down.
155
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:09,760
- Kids, we are
thinking of having
156
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,470
Trey stay over on my weeks.
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00:06:11,510 --> 00:06:13,050
Would that be OK with you?
158
00:06:13,090 --> 00:06:14,340
- I'm cool with it.
159
00:06:14,380 --> 00:06:15,526
But how do you
feel about it, Dad?
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00:06:15,550 --> 00:06:17,510
- I mean, I like Trey.
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00:06:17,550 --> 00:06:19,680
I want him to feel
welcome in this family,
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00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:21,520
but not at the expense
of your feelings.
163
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,310
- Wait a second.
You're fine with this?
164
00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:25,520
What are we even doing here?
165
00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:27,520
- It is not about my feelings.
166
00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:28,860
It is about a process that takes
167
00:06:28,900 --> 00:06:30,280
into account all of our feelings
168
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:32,030
for the sake of the children.
169
00:06:33,780 --> 00:06:35,450
Jimmy, how do you feel?
170
00:06:35,490 --> 00:06:37,820
- I thought he did
sleep over sometimes.
171
00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:43,620
- On the couch, only once.
172
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:46,630
- I'll allow it. Jimmy?
173
00:06:46,670 --> 00:06:48,670
- I'm cool with Trey.
- Then it's unanimous.
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00:06:48,710 --> 00:06:50,800
Where's my gavel?
- Oh, do we really...
175
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:53,260
- Yes, we really need the gavel!
176
00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:55,260
Article nine has been
amended to add Trey Taylor
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00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:56,680
as a permanent guest.
178
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,680
- Yes!
- Congratulations.
179
00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,430
- Constitutional crisis averted.
180
00:07:00,470 --> 00:07:01,970
- Great. Can I use
the bathroom now?
181
00:07:02,020 --> 00:07:04,980
- Ah, permanent bathroom
rights are included.
182
00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:08,190
Out that window is the city
of Boston, the birthplace
183
00:07:08,230 --> 00:07:10,360
of America, democracy.
184
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:11,690
Is it perfect? No!
185
00:07:11,730 --> 00:07:13,240
Does it fall into
the wrong hands?
186
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:14,530
All the time.
187
00:07:14,570 --> 00:07:16,030
But is that a reason
to throw it out?
188
00:07:16,070 --> 00:07:17,240
No, no, my friends.
189
00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:18,950
That is a reason
to fight for it.
190
00:07:18,990 --> 00:07:22,490
Democracy... if there's a better
system, I haven't found it.
191
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,000
- Can you believe it?
192
00:07:32,025 --> 00:07:34,760
Our first official night
sleeping in the nest.
193
00:07:43,108 --> 00:07:44,938
- Kind of sunken in down here.
194
00:07:44,978 --> 00:07:47,068
- [laughs]
195
00:07:47,108 --> 00:07:49,238
The kids call it Daddy's Divot,
196
00:07:49,278 --> 00:07:51,198
created by Jim
sleeping in the exact
197
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:52,778
same position every night.
198
00:07:52,818 --> 00:07:56,408
He'd take off all his clothes,
curl up, like knees to chest,
199
00:07:56,448 --> 00:07:59,118
boom, out like a light and
looking like a 150-pound fetus
200
00:07:59,158 --> 00:08:00,998
with a beard.
201
00:08:01,038 --> 00:08:03,828
- [chuckles nervously] Oh, boy.
202
00:08:03,878 --> 00:08:05,248
Oh, no, I can't!
- What?
203
00:08:05,288 --> 00:08:06,418
What?
- I can't I can't.
204
00:08:06,458 --> 00:08:07,628
I'm sorry.
- What's wrong?
205
00:08:07,668 --> 00:08:08,668
- I can't. I can't.
206
00:08:08,708 --> 00:08:10,008
I can't. I... I shouldn't.
207
00:08:10,048 --> 00:08:11,104
I shouldn't have to think
of Jim nude while resting
208
00:08:11,128 --> 00:08:12,298
in Jim's nude fetus divot.
209
00:08:12,338 --> 00:08:13,404
- Why didn't you say something?
210
00:08:13,428 --> 00:08:14,968
- It was seven seconds ago.
211
00:08:15,008 --> 00:08:16,718
I'm saying something.
212
00:08:16,758 --> 00:08:18,768
- How about we switch sides?
213
00:08:18,808 --> 00:08:20,478
- OK.
- OK.
214
00:08:32,988 --> 00:08:34,158
- It's a nightmare, right?
215
00:08:34,198 --> 00:08:36,028
- It's awful.
- Yeah.
216
00:08:36,068 --> 00:08:37,578
I have another idea.
217
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,748
We can replace this
mattress with the same kind
218
00:08:39,788 --> 00:08:43,288
we have in my place, the
Royal Luxe Smart Mattress.
219
00:08:43,328 --> 00:08:44,788
Remember your first time on it?
220
00:08:44,828 --> 00:08:47,708
You said it was like sleeping
on a cloud made of clouds.
221
00:08:47,748 --> 00:08:50,008
It made no sense, but I
got what you were saying.
222
00:08:50,048 --> 00:08:51,798
- OK, you win. Get
me out of here.
223
00:08:51,838 --> 00:08:53,628
I'll call Jim first
thing in the morning.
224
00:08:53,678 --> 00:08:55,008
Wha...
225
00:08:55,048 --> 00:08:57,138
- Why?
226
00:08:57,178 --> 00:09:00,308
- [sighs] Article 15.
227
00:09:00,348 --> 00:09:01,978
"Any new furniture or appliances
228
00:09:02,018 --> 00:09:04,308
bigger than a toaster must
be approved by both parties."
229
00:09:04,348 --> 00:09:06,398
- The constitution covers beds.
230
00:09:06,438 --> 00:09:07,994
- This is what happens when
I watch the "Today Show."
231
00:09:08,018 --> 00:09:09,268
They put ideas in my head.
232
00:09:09,318 --> 00:09:11,738
Thanks a lot, Hoda.
233
00:09:11,778 --> 00:09:15,238
[upbeat music]
234
00:09:15,278 --> 00:09:17,028
- Hey. I am here.
235
00:09:17,068 --> 00:09:18,738
Heard there was a
constitutional issue.
236
00:09:20,488 --> 00:09:23,658
- More like
constitutional bonus.
237
00:09:23,708 --> 00:09:27,578
Trey wants to gift us with
an ultra-fancy high-end
238
00:09:27,628 --> 00:09:28,878
smart mattress.
239
00:09:28,918 --> 00:09:30,604
And because a mattress
is bigger than a toaster,
240
00:09:30,628 --> 00:09:32,878
I am respecting you
and following protocol.
241
00:09:32,918 --> 00:09:34,298
Congratulations.
242
00:09:34,338 --> 00:09:37,388
We're the winners of
a brand-new mattress.
243
00:09:37,428 --> 00:09:40,508
- So this is what our
life is gonna be like now.
244
00:09:40,558 --> 00:09:43,228
Trey wants to sleep
over, Trey sleeps over.
245
00:09:43,268 --> 00:09:45,638
Trey wants a new mattress,
we get a new mattress.
246
00:09:45,688 --> 00:09:49,858
All hail King Trey,
the mattress king.
247
00:09:49,898 --> 00:09:52,938
I say king, because clearly
the nest is a monarchy now.
248
00:09:52,988 --> 00:09:55,948
Democracy is just a facade.
249
00:09:55,988 --> 00:09:57,658
- I am asking you first.
250
00:09:57,698 --> 00:10:00,828
Now grab the gavel and
bang this into law.
251
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:03,408
- Well, I do appreciate
that you asked me first.
252
00:10:03,448 --> 00:10:06,498
And I do love my gavel.
253
00:10:06,538 --> 00:10:08,418
Motion approved.
254
00:10:08,458 --> 00:10:11,088
Feel free to let Trey know
that the gavel has fallen
255
00:10:11,128 --> 00:10:13,878
and he may order his
new mattress anon.
256
00:10:13,918 --> 00:10:16,928
- [grunting]
257
00:10:16,968 --> 00:10:18,338
- To the right. Going right.
258
00:10:18,388 --> 00:10:19,638
Watch it. Watch it.
259
00:10:19,678 --> 00:10:21,678
Watch it.
260
00:10:21,718 --> 00:10:23,768
How you doing, Jimbo?
261
00:10:25,888 --> 00:10:28,398
- Treason!
262
00:10:28,438 --> 00:10:30,858
Ruling rescinded
due to egregiously
263
00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:33,648
premature expectation
of affirmative vote.
264
00:10:33,688 --> 00:10:35,544
- I didn't know that Trey had
already ordered the mattress.
265
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:37,568
But now that it's here,
at least lie down on it.
266
00:10:37,608 --> 00:10:39,448
It is the best
mattress in the world.
267
00:10:39,488 --> 00:10:40,868
- It's not about the mattress.
268
00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:43,488
It is about how, in divorce,
we must conduct our lives
269
00:10:43,538 --> 00:10:46,498
with some level of grace so
that our selfishness does not
270
00:10:46,538 --> 00:10:48,578
cause us to make
decisions that divide us.
271
00:10:48,618 --> 00:10:51,248
- The Royal Luxe is about
Trey being a delicate sleeper.
272
00:10:51,288 --> 00:10:54,298
He's not trying to divide
us with a mattress.
273
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,590
- Jimbo, I know I jumped
the gun, but hear me out.
274
00:11:09,630 --> 00:11:11,930
There's usually a
six-month waiting list.
275
00:11:11,970 --> 00:11:12,941
But I got lucky.
276
00:11:12,966 --> 00:11:15,180
Turns out Taylor Swift's
cats prefer hammocks.
277
00:11:16,850 --> 00:11:18,430
Try it out.
278
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:21,520
- King Trey is now
ordering me to bed.
279
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:23,270
- Try the mattress, Jimbo.
280
00:11:23,310 --> 00:11:24,690
You won't be sorry.
281
00:11:24,730 --> 00:11:26,400
- I don't care how
great the mattress is.
282
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:27,586
It's never gonna
make any difference.
283
00:11:27,610 --> 00:11:29,360
I don't...
284
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:33,610
oh, oh, my God.
285
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:38,200
I can't tell where my body
stops and the bed begins.
286
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,460
I wish I could take
my clothes off.
287
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:44,170
- I'm so glad you have them on.
288
00:11:45,420 --> 00:11:47,670
- Jim?
- We can keep it.
289
00:11:50,550 --> 00:11:52,510
- Once again, thank
you for being so
290
00:11:52,550 --> 00:11:54,130
accommodating and agreeable.
291
00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:57,470
- Well, it is my nature.
292
00:11:57,510 --> 00:11:59,430
As James Madison
said, compromise
293
00:11:59,470 --> 00:12:01,310
is the key to democracy.
294
00:12:01,350 --> 00:12:02,640
- You know, that's funny.
295
00:12:02,690 --> 00:12:04,480
It's often attributed
to James Madison.
296
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,520
But the quote's
actually Ben Franklin's.
297
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:07,980
- And this quote is mine.
298
00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:09,780
[blows raspberry]
299
00:12:15,030 --> 00:12:16,070
- What's that?
300
00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:17,870
It looks like footprints.
301
00:12:17,910 --> 00:12:21,250
- Oh, I totally
forgot about those.
302
00:12:21,290 --> 00:12:23,960
Um, that was when
we first moved in.
303
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,370
We didn't have any furniture.
304
00:12:25,420 --> 00:12:27,130
We just had the
mattress, remember.
305
00:12:27,170 --> 00:12:28,840
Bella, bella.
- Oh, yeah.
306
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,380
[laughs] Oh, bella.
307
00:12:30,420 --> 00:12:32,260
That was a night. I
forgot about those too.
308
00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:33,880
[laughs]
309
00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:39,220
- Can somebody explain
what's so funny?
310
00:12:39,260 --> 00:12:43,140
- Oh, well, years ago, we went
to the San Gennaro Festival
311
00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:44,440
and stomped grapes.
312
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:45,706
My feet were still
red when we got home.
313
00:12:45,730 --> 00:12:47,230
And we kept calling
each other...
314
00:12:47,270 --> 00:12:49,190
- Bella, bella, what a fella.
315
00:12:49,230 --> 00:12:51,530
[laughter]
316
00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:55,400
- Yeah, but... yeah,
but how'd the footprints
317
00:12:55,450 --> 00:12:58,030
get on the wall?
318
00:12:58,070 --> 00:12:59,740
- Uh...
319
00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:04,660
- Uh... well, if we were to
do a forensic analysis...
320
00:13:04,710 --> 00:13:07,500
I mean, you know, it
was a long time ago,
321
00:13:07,540 --> 00:13:13,010
before my hip issues,
when my bursa was robust.
322
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,430
I was the catcher on my
high school baseball team,
323
00:13:16,470 --> 00:13:18,760
so I could hold a stance
for at least nine innings.
324
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:21,390
Again, my memory's not perfect.
325
00:13:21,430 --> 00:13:25,890
So I guess I was roughly
here with her legs
326
00:13:25,940 --> 00:13:30,980
wrapped around here
and the feet kind of...
327
00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:33,230
kind of braced here.
328
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,360
And then...
329
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:38,820
Bella, bella!
330
00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:45,806
- You're upset about
the footprints.
331
00:13:45,830 --> 00:13:47,000
- I'm not upset.
332
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:48,670
- OK, OK, I can't lie.
333
00:13:48,710 --> 00:13:51,790
When Jim and I were
married, we hooked up.
334
00:13:53,130 --> 00:13:56,260
Grace and Jimmy were not
conceived immaculately.
335
00:13:56,300 --> 00:13:57,590
- No, I get that.
336
00:13:57,630 --> 00:13:58,930
It's just I don't understand why
337
00:13:58,970 --> 00:14:00,430
I got to stare at
the sexy evidence
338
00:14:00,470 --> 00:14:02,710
on the wall behind the bed
where the hooking up happened.
339
00:14:04,430 --> 00:14:05,720
But I'm not upset.
340
00:14:05,770 --> 00:14:07,940
- You are, and you
have every right to be.
341
00:14:07,980 --> 00:14:09,310
But here's the thing.
342
00:14:09,350 --> 00:14:11,860
You can't see the footprints
through the headboard.
343
00:14:13,230 --> 00:14:17,280
- Once again, I'm not upset.
344
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:18,586
But I'll still
know they're there.
345
00:14:18,610 --> 00:14:21,450
So good news, I got a solution.
346
00:14:21,490 --> 00:14:22,990
We're gonna paint...
347
00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:26,580
2, 3, 40 coats.
348
00:14:27,410 --> 00:14:28,460
- Great idea.
349
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:30,460
And surely, the room needs it.
350
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:31,960
But the constitution does say...
351
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,476
- Stop with the
fricking constitution,
352
00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:36,300
I'm becoming an anarchist.
353
00:14:36,340 --> 00:14:38,800
- I just don't want
you to be upset.
354
00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:40,090
- I'm not upset.
355
00:14:41,930 --> 00:14:44,850
You know what's great about
having a place on Nantucket?
356
00:14:44,890 --> 00:14:47,180
You can send your
fianc�e and her kids
357
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:50,600
to Nantucket so you can
paint over her Italian sex
358
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,000
- I...
359
00:14:56,250 --> 00:14:57,804
smell...
360
00:14:58,614 --> 00:14:59,662
paint.
361
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,130
You painted.
362
00:15:02,170 --> 00:15:03,260
- You're here. Why?
363
00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:04,260
It's not your week.
364
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:05,760
- Never mind why I'm here,
365
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,276
which is to return my fishing
rod, which lives here,
366
00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:09,260
where I live sometimes.
367
00:15:09,285 --> 00:15:10,721
But let's talk about
how you painted.
368
00:15:10,770 --> 00:15:11,867
- I can explain.
369
00:15:11,892 --> 00:15:14,310
- [chuckles] And you
scolded me for lying
370
00:15:14,350 --> 00:15:16,020
about a dead goldfish,
but here you are
371
00:15:16,060 --> 00:15:17,310
ready to lie to me about this.
372
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:18,650
- I didn't lie.
373
00:15:18,690 --> 00:15:19,916
I just didn't tell you.
Ask me if I painted.
374
00:15:19,940 --> 00:15:20,940
- Did you paint?
- Yep.
375
00:15:20,980 --> 00:15:22,610
- Oh! Unbelievable!
376
00:15:22,650 --> 00:15:25,450
You are incapable of living
under anyone else's rules.
377
00:15:25,490 --> 00:15:27,200
Article 22, "No repainting..."
378
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:28,830
- I know! I know!
379
00:15:28,870 --> 00:15:30,080
- You knew?
- I knew.
380
00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,000
- [yelps]
381
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:33,790
- It's the exact same color.
382
00:15:33,830 --> 00:15:36,040
It would have been dry by
the time it was your week.
383
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:37,380
I was hoping you
wouldn't notice.
384
00:15:37,420 --> 00:15:38,476
It would have been like
I never painted at all.
385
00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:40,550
- Except you painted.
386
00:15:40,590 --> 00:15:42,010
- OK, fine. You know what?
387
00:15:42,050 --> 00:15:43,260
I don't say this often.
388
00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:44,760
My bad.
389
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,390
- You knowingly spit in the face
390
00:15:47,430 --> 00:15:51,390
of the bedrock, the
foundation, the core values
391
00:15:51,430 --> 00:15:53,270
of this family.
392
00:15:53,310 --> 00:15:55,270
[chuckles]
393
00:15:58,270 --> 00:16:03,070
- What's going on?
- [laughing]
394
00:16:03,110 --> 00:16:04,900
- Why are you laughing?
395
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:08,820
Why am I more scared
of the laughing
396
00:16:08,870 --> 00:16:09,910
than I am the yelling?
397
00:16:09,950 --> 00:16:11,490
- You should be scared.
398
00:16:11,530 --> 00:16:13,750
Because Julia's gonna kill you.
399
00:16:13,790 --> 00:16:15,960
- For painting?
I don't think so.
400
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,210
- Not for painting.
401
00:16:17,250 --> 00:16:18,790
For erasing our
cherished memories.
402
00:16:18,830 --> 00:16:21,170
Your painters painted
over our height chart.
403
00:16:21,210 --> 00:16:22,710
- Height chart?
404
00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:25,380
- Yes, the height chart
that was here on this door
405
00:16:25,420 --> 00:16:27,630
where, for 14 years, we measured
406
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:30,010
our beloved children's height.
407
00:16:30,050 --> 00:16:32,260
- I didn't know there
was a height chart there.
408
00:16:32,310 --> 00:16:33,850
- And how could you? Oh, wait.
409
00:16:33,890 --> 00:16:35,680
Maybe if you'd
followed protocol,
410
00:16:35,730 --> 00:16:37,206
you would have been made
aware of the height chart
411
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,850
during one of my
many filibusters.
412
00:16:38,900 --> 00:16:42,190
But no, you went rogue,
your own little January 7th.
413
00:16:42,230 --> 00:16:43,530
- You mean January 6th.
414
00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:46,190
- No, January 7th, the
day they repainted.
415
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:47,650
- Come on, man.
416
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:49,110
This is a bit of
an overreaction.
417
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:52,200
- So many memories... oh,
now painted over memories.
418
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:55,410
Oh, little Jimmy Junior would
always say, one day, Dad,
419
00:16:55,450 --> 00:16:58,040
I'll be taller and
older than you.
420
00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,290
Adorable. Right?
421
00:17:00,330 --> 00:17:02,420
And, oh, how we laughed.
422
00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:03,840
But not anymore.
423
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:05,420
No more laughter.
424
00:17:05,460 --> 00:17:07,196
All we have now is the
memory of our memories.
425
00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:10,430
That's what Julie will say...
or try to say, in between sobs.
426
00:17:10,470 --> 00:17:11,850
- Come on, man,
it was a mistake!
427
00:17:11,890 --> 00:17:15,180
- So was Jimmy Junior, but
we never painted over him.
428
00:17:15,220 --> 00:17:16,720
And it wasn't a mistake.
429
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:18,690
You didn't just accidentally
call some painters.
430
00:17:18,730 --> 00:17:20,730
This is a way of saying,
hey, Jim Kearney.
431
00:17:20,770 --> 00:17:23,190
I'm Trey Taylor, owner
of the Boston Celtics.
432
00:17:23,230 --> 00:17:24,610
And I am in charge here.
433
00:17:24,650 --> 00:17:26,046
All you had to do was
play by the rules.
434
00:17:26,070 --> 00:17:27,820
- Not the rules, your rules.
435
00:17:27,860 --> 00:17:29,216
- Every article
has to be ratified.
436
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:30,860
- Ratify this.
437
00:17:30,910 --> 00:17:32,410
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
438
00:17:32,450 --> 00:17:34,870
What are you guys doing,
for crying out loud?
439
00:17:34,910 --> 00:17:36,910
Throw a punch or shut up.
440
00:17:36,950 --> 00:17:39,080
- Trey painted over
the height chart.
441
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,540
- You two are acting
like Gus and Charlie.
442
00:17:41,580 --> 00:17:43,130
- Who are Gus and Charlie?
443
00:17:43,170 --> 00:17:44,500
- They're our Basset hounds.
444
00:17:44,540 --> 00:17:46,090
We got Charlie when
he was a puppy.
445
00:17:46,130 --> 00:17:49,010
He peed on everything to
mark his territory, like Jim.
446
00:17:49,050 --> 00:17:51,970
And then we got
another Basset hound.
447
00:17:52,010 --> 00:17:53,720
- Gus?
448
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,760
- Look how you worked that out.
449
00:17:55,810 --> 00:17:57,930
- Gus started peeing
on everything.
450
00:17:57,970 --> 00:18:00,350
Then Charlie peed on
everything Gus peed on.
451
00:18:00,390 --> 00:18:02,650
Gentlemen, what you have here is
452
00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:04,610
a Basset hound peeing contest.
453
00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:08,780
Charlie, things are changing,
and you have to adapt.
454
00:18:08,820 --> 00:18:11,990
And, Gus, you may be the
king in your own kingdom,
455
00:18:12,030 --> 00:18:14,990
but you just entered
into another dog's yard.
456
00:18:15,030 --> 00:18:18,120
So drop it, both of you.
457
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,450
- OK.
458
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:22,670
I will admit, I've
been a little Charlie.
459
00:18:24,170 --> 00:18:25,960
- And I haven't been
respecting your rules,
460
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:27,630
which I guess is a
little Gus-like, even
461
00:18:27,670 --> 00:18:29,460
though I've never met the dog.
462
00:18:29,510 --> 00:18:31,090
- I got to get out
of here before you
463
00:18:31,130 --> 00:18:34,430
guys start sniffing, licking,
and humping each other.
464
00:18:34,470 --> 00:18:36,930
- Gus and Charlie
became very close.
465
00:18:36,970 --> 00:18:38,326
- Well, what are we
gonna do about the height
466
00:18:38,350 --> 00:18:39,770
chart Gus painted over?
467
00:18:39,810 --> 00:18:41,680
- Oh, I can take care of that.
468
00:18:41,730 --> 00:18:45,190
A little turpentine and lye so
you can see the indentations.
469
00:18:45,230 --> 00:18:47,320
Julia will never know.
470
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,650
Charlie, get me some turpentine,
471
00:18:49,690 --> 00:18:51,990
a bucket, rags, and a mask.
472
00:18:52,030 --> 00:18:54,990
Gus, get me four cold
beers and a bag of chips.
473
00:18:55,030 --> 00:18:58,490
There's a 50/50 chance
this won't work.
474
00:18:58,540 --> 00:19:00,370
- I'll take those odds.
475
00:19:01,870 --> 00:19:04,620
- There wasn't a chance
it wasn't gonna work.
476
00:19:04,670 --> 00:19:08,210
I just wanted some
beer and chips.
477
00:19:08,250 --> 00:19:10,000
- Trey? We're back.
478
00:19:10,050 --> 00:19:11,760
- Oh, they're back,
they're back, hurry up.
479
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:12,970
Hurry up.
- All done.
480
00:19:13,010 --> 00:19:14,680
She'll never know
the difference.
481
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:18,810
Operation Height
Chart completed.
482
00:19:18,850 --> 00:19:22,100
- Jim, Bobby, what are you...
483
00:19:22,140 --> 00:19:24,190
do I smell paint?
484
00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:25,690
Did you paint?
485
00:19:25,730 --> 00:19:27,626
- No, I talked to Trey, and
we agreed that we should
486
00:19:27,650 --> 00:19:29,190
paint the room together.
487
00:19:29,230 --> 00:19:30,530
- Let me understand.
488
00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:32,190
You and Trey talked.
489
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:36,200
You had a bipartisan
meeting across the aisle?
490
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:37,820
Both: Yup.
491
00:19:39,740 --> 00:19:41,700
- The arc of the
moral universe bends
492
00:19:41,740 --> 00:19:44,540
towards you two getting along.
493
00:19:44,580 --> 00:19:46,210
- This is the new mattress?
494
00:19:46,250 --> 00:19:47,960
- Can we jump on it?
495
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,380
- Let's check your height first.
496
00:19:49,420 --> 00:19:50,380
- Oh, no, no, no.
497
00:19:50,420 --> 00:19:51,710
He's tall enough.
498
00:19:51,750 --> 00:19:53,026
No, no, just bounce
your little heart out.
499
00:19:53,050 --> 00:19:54,170
- Measure me, Mom.
500
00:19:54,220 --> 00:19:55,260
- OK.
501
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:56,630
All right.
502
00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:58,390
Up 1/2 inch for Jimmy.
503
00:19:58,430 --> 00:20:01,720
Grace, now you.
504
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,060
Ooh.
505
00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:04,890
An inch for Grace.
506
00:20:04,930 --> 00:20:06,140
Now me.
507
00:20:06,190 --> 00:20:07,230
Thank you.
508
00:20:07,270 --> 00:20:08,520
- Whoa.
509
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:09,980
Growth spurt for
Mom, up 3 inches.
510
00:20:10,020 --> 00:20:11,940
- Mom.
511
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:14,990
- Ah. OK.
512
00:20:15,030 --> 00:20:16,280
- OK.
513
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:17,410
All right.
514
00:20:17,450 --> 00:20:19,570
Uh... same.
515
00:20:19,620 --> 00:20:21,370
- Well, you're
not shrinking yet.
516
00:20:21,410 --> 00:20:23,620
That's good.
517
00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:27,670
- Trey.
518
00:20:37,050 --> 00:20:38,180
I'm taller.
519
00:20:38,220 --> 00:20:39,510
- [laughs]
520
00:20:39,550 --> 00:20:42,560
[upbeat music]
521
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,890
Look at you, keeping
magazines alive.
522
00:20:45,930 --> 00:20:47,810
- [chuckles]
523
00:20:47,850 --> 00:20:49,400
- Uh-oh.
524
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,320
Just got a notification from
the Royal Luxe Smart Mattress.
525
00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:54,440
Jim just got naked.
526
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:57,070
- How does the mattress know?
527
00:20:57,110 --> 00:20:59,030
- It's smart.
528
00:21:00,990 --> 00:21:02,490
[chuckles]
529
00:21:02,530 --> 00:21:03,950
- What are you doing?
530
00:21:03,990 --> 00:21:06,370
- Remote temperature control.
531
00:21:06,410 --> 00:21:08,410
I'm gonna make it colder...
532
00:21:08,460 --> 00:21:11,170
much, much colder.
533
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,960
- [shivering]
534
00:21:21,050 --> 00:21:24,100
? ?
535
00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:28,700
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