All language subtitles for The.Errand.Boy.1961.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

This is Hollywood.

Land of the real
and the unreal.

The unreal are the actors.

And the reel,

nothing more than a thing
to put film on.

From up here,

I guess it doesn't look
very much different

from your hometown.
But how would you know?

You don't go around looking
at your hometown from a plane.

This is a town
where dedicated people

spend every waking hour

applying their varied talents
to the making of a product,

the only purpose of which is
to take you away

from the harsh realities
of life

into the wondrous land
of Make-Believe.

What's your pleasure?

Westerns?

Cheesecake?

Suspense?

Brutality?

How about a love story?

Yes, a love story.

I love you
very much.

Saying it is
very trivial.

I love you too.

Oh, my beautiful,
wonderful man.

I could listen to you
for hours.

But that would deprive me
of the tenderness of your lips.

Don't speak anymore.

Nor shall I.

Kiss me,
my love.

Yes, this is Hollywood.

Where, for just the price
of a ticket,

they will take you anyplace
you want to go.

Anyplace that is, except one.

Seldom will they let you inside

one of those sound stages
down there,

where their magic potion
is brewed.

And we'll show you why.

Sometimes the good guys
are afraid of horses.

And if they're afraid
of horses,

they're certainly not going
to let them use

real rocks on them.

Mistreated girl, you think.

She was formerly middleweight
champion of the Marine Corps.

The lovers?

In real life,
these two are man and wife.

All right.
Here we go for a take.

Would you mind not sitting
on my jacket?

If I had my way,
stupid,

I'd be sitting
in another state!

Oh, yeah?
Yeah!

Well, listen, nitwit!
If it wasn't for me--

If it wasn't
for you?

Why, you cheap imitation
of a screen extra,

I ought to smack you
right in the mouth!

Lights.

Camera.

Action.

Besides everything else,

you're the very dream
that I dreamed.

Aside from the
behind-the-scenes activities

of the people

that are constantly seen
on the silver screen,

we would like to show you

the behind-the-scenes
activities

of the motion-picture tsars

and tsaresses
and their tsurisses.

And so as not to make this
in any way

a completely dry
and stilted documentary,

we have acquired the services

of one the most prominent

and highly intelligent

idiots available.

This is Paramutual Pictures
Incorporated.

And this is the
inner working brain

of a highly successful

and wealthy company
of motion-picture makers.

And furthermore,

how do you expect us to continue
to be highly successful

and wealthy motion-picture
makers

when constantly, day after day,
we're losing money?

And furthermore and most
important,

we're not losing that money
at the box office.

I suppose

that's because "Movies Are
Your Best Entertainment."

Amen

Now. This money that I mentioned
that we're constantly losing,

it's here, in the studio.

And we must find out how

and where it's going
and who's getting it!

Now, I have sitting beside me
Mr. Fumble,

of the distinguished firm
of Fumble, Fidgett and Fuss,

the famous efficiency experts.

I've asked Mr. Fumble here
to help us find out

why money is being wasted

by some 3,000 employees
of Paramutual Pictures.

In short,
we need an efficiency expert

to be exposed to the everyday
routine of this studio

and report to us any financial
leak or excess spending.

Tom, dear.

You're the businessman
of the family,

and you've always been
the smartest. Up to now.

But this is not
the way, Tom, dear.

With due respect
to Mr. Fumble,

it simply
will not work.

And may I ask,
why?

Yes. Why?

Because this is a job
for someone that nobody knows.

Well, I have a very good
business,

and I simply will not
take on an assignment

that I feel we can't do
our best work with.

And therefore,
I must withdraw.

But, Mr. Fumble!

And I warn you,

if this is to be a successful
venture on your part,

be sure that you pick someone
that nobody knows.

But nobody!

Gentlemen.

Ladies.

Someone nobody knows?

Irma Paramutual?

You've been around here
since we opened the place.

Ulysses Paramutual?

No, you've been around
too long too.

Albert Paramutual?

No.
Everybody knows you.

Paramutual. Paramutual.
Paramutual.

Nobody but Paramutuals.

Someone nobody knows.

Tom, I maintain

that in order to get the
information that you want,

we should get somebody
that not only nobody knows,

but someone that couldn't care
less about our problems,

or anybody else's
for that matter.

How do you mean?

I mean that
we need somebody

who is so concerned
with his own problems

that he won't know that we

literally want him
to spy for us.

And it should be somebody
who doesn't care about money,

who doesn't care how we spend
ours or how much we have

or how much
anybody else has.

Just where do you find
this sort of someone?

Frankly, Tom,
I don't think you do.

The person that we want
probably doesn't exist.

There just couldn't be
anybody that stupid.

Yeah. There isn't anybody
that stupid.

Stupid?

Hey, Weaver! Come here.

Get him.

Yes, sir.

Hey, kid. Would you
come down here a minute?

Does Hitler--?
What?

Hey!

Hello, young man.
Hello, man.

Do you know
who we are?

The parole board?

We're the people who run this
studio. We're the Paramutuals.

Sounds like
a rock 'n' roll band.

You know, I think
he'll be perfect.

What's your name,
young man?

Oh, uh-- Tashman.
Morty Tashman.

Morty S. Tashman.

What's the S for?

Scared. I'm frightened
at a lot of things.

Morty!
Yeah?

How would you
like to be

the new errand boy
for Paramutual Pictures?

It doesn't
pay much.

But at least the hours
are lousy.

Well, I don't care really
about the hours or money--

- Good!
- You're hired!

Thanks a lot, but what do I do?

To be here now?
To sit.

Miss O'Riley,
will you send in

Mr. Sneak right away,
please?

Now, Morty.
Yes, sir!

Your only contact
will be Dexter Sneak.

Yeah.

Now, he's been with us
for 35 years. He's very loyal.

He should be,
we gave him a watch.

Yeah.
That we did.

And, we can trust him
to get us the information

that you will pass on
to him.

- You sent for me, T.P.?
- Yes, Dexter. Come here.

Oh, Master of the Film.
Oh, Sultan of the Cinema.

Great White Father
and Ruler over me, speak up.

What is your wish?

It will be done by me,
your humble and obedient--

All right.
Now, tomorrow morning,

I want you to take Morty here
to the Personnel Department.

To the Personnel Department.
Yeah.

See that he gets an interview
for a job here in the studio.

Job here
in the studio.

But most important of all...
Most important.

...see that he's hired.
Hired, of course.

Now, I'll fill you in later
on your functions with him.

My functions with--

Oh, your wish is my com--

Oh, Master of the Film
and Sultan of the Cinema,

Great White Ruler over me--

Oh, shut up!
Oh, shut up!

Yeah, and take him
with you.

Boy, boy, boy. Boy, boy.
Come here. That's it. See.

Send the boy--
Oh, the boy. Oh, goodness.

My function-- I will-- Don't you
worry-- Because-- Personnel--

Oh, Master...

Oh, I forgot.

Thank you very much,
sir, for the--

And thank you. And you're also
very nice, and I--

Oh, I didn't--

I mean, I got this from
when I was putting--

It's just a little thumbnack.

But you can always wash it off
if you have a hard brush.

Qualifications
and your experience,

the type of job
you're interested in.

And you address that
to Mr. Arbit,

who is the head of the Personnel
Department, and, uh, yes.

Well, uh--

Well, it's a very simple
procedure after that.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, everybody
has to go through that.

But, uh--
Well, I don't know.

Well, I just work here

in the Personnel Department.
Huh?

No, you have to list your
qualifications, your ex--

I'm just like the girl
out here--

Thank you. Goodbye.
Yes?

Oh, I'm Morty S. Tashman,

and Mr. Sneak sent me
to have this job.

Morty, uh, S--

Yeah,
to see the Personal.

Mr. Arbit? Good morning.
Mr. Tashman is here.

Morty S. Tashman.

Morty S. Tashman to see
about a job.

Very good,
Miss Giles. Send him in.

Uh, could you go
right in, please?

Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.

I think that was
that one.

That one was bad
when I came through.

Seems like everything
has to be--

I'm awfully sorry,
I didn't notice that--

Oh,
I'm sorry.

Would you mind if I just--?
I'd like--

There's no more?
That's it, then. I can go in.

Now, when you get
to the Wardrobe Department,

you ask for the head,
Mr. Babewoesentall.

Mr. Babe-- Who?

Babewoesentall.
He's the head of the Wardrobe.

Benfanfinton.
No.

Babe--
Well, it's hard. I'll help you.

Say, "Babe."
Babe.

"Woes."
Woes.

"Ent."
Ent.

"All."
All.

Babewoesentall.

Benpanefinton.

No. Well, forget it.
Just follow me.

Ben-pa-bo-po-pay-pepe.

Pay-pay-po-po.

Ah, good morning, Miss Giles.
How are you?

Very well, thank you,
Mr. Wabenlottnee.

Fine.
I'd like to have you meet Morty.

Morty, this is Mr. Wabenlottnee.
Mr. Wabenlottnee, Morty.

Hello, Morty.
Hello, Mr. Habenoppin.

If you please.
May I help you?

A lot of people have
difficulty with that.

It's "Wa."
Wa.

"Ben."
Ben.

"Lott."
Lott.

"Nee."
Nee.

Wabenlottnee.
Bobbinnotten.

No, that was the other guy
you wanted to meet.

Forgive me, please.
I must leave.

I mixed up--

I'm a little late.
See you later.

I'm sorry.

So long, Mr. Hebbenstymin.
Mr. Babewoesentall.

I'd like to have you meet Morty,
the new errand boy.

Sorry, Miss Giles,
I'm in an awful hurry.

Have him see
Mr. Verdmittinin.

Yeah, but I was just
practicing Wabennabbin

and then Baysentoll--

Who should I--?
Vermin--?

Oh, he's the head
of the other head.

All right, then I'll see
Mr. Hebbin-- No, Varbinin?

Well, one of those guys.

And the first thing
to do is pick up a card

and punch it in
before you go to Wardrobe.

Do I ask for any names there?
No, just the card.

Pleasure meeting you.
Thank you, Miss Gorman.

And a lot of luck to you.

Yeah.
Worbenmebbin. Farben Memall.

Who's-- Miss Gates?
Ferminillers.

Get back in line,
will you?

And no talking.
Things are tough enough

without suggestions
and constant interruptions.

Will you please
get back in line?

Now, this won't
take long, kids!

All you have to do
is go inside

and get your wardrobe
assignments.

You were all here yesterday,
you know what you have to do!

Now, please try
and be a little patient!

We're making a motion picture,
at least we're trying to!

Okay, Charlie! All right, kids,
come on, this is it.

Move inside now. Right away.
That's it. Hurry it along now.

I don't want to lose
any time on this picture.

Come on,
hurry it along.

That's right. Right away.
We're gonna start right away.

Get down there, fellas.
That's it.

Right down the street there.
That's it.

Just keep going,
right straight down.

What's the matter?
What's holding--?

Go ahead. Move it along,
will you?

Come on, fellas, let's go.
That's it.

All right, kids. Settle down.
Take your positions.

The same ones that you had
yesterday during the rehearsal.

You know what you have to do.

And you know that this
is a quality scene

in one of Mr. Buzzbee's
quality pictures.

Good morning, Mr. Buzzbee.
How do you feel?

That's good.
You get a good night's sleep?

Rehearse! Action!

Here she is--

Hold it!
Hold it!

We make it on film!
We make it on film!

Everybody ready?
Everybody ready?

- Camera!
- Speed.

Action!

Here she is, direct from
three months of no work--

Miss Bubbles Rothschild!

Hit the music!
Playback!

My blue eyes
just wink for you

Hold it! Hold it!

Hold it!
Hold it!

Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it! Hold it!

He appears to be sore
about something.

This is one of his
precious moods.

I've never seen him
so warm and kind.

Hey, you weren't here
yesterday. How come?

Well, I'm not-- I'm not--
I'm not--

- When they were all walking--
- Hold it!

I'm not-- I'm not--
Hold it! Hold!

Hol--

Speed.

My blue eyes
just wink for you

Wink, wink, wink,
wink, wink at you

I belong to
you know who

You wacka do wacka
do do do

Do de oh do

Do de oh do

Vo de oh do

Vo de oh do

That's my way of saying
that it's you I wanna know

My blue eyes
just wink for you

Wink, wink, wink,
wink, wink at you

I belong
to you know who

You wacka do wacka
do do do

Do de oh do

Do de oh do
Do de oh do

Vo de oh do

Vo de oh do

That's my way of saying
that it's you

That it's you
I wanna know

Vo de oh do

Vo vo de oh do

Wack wack wacka do
wack wacka do

You know who I know you
and I know how too

But I know that you
and me are--

You forget the words?

I got that--

When I heard
with a wacka do da, it made me--

I was gonna tell you that
I don't belong to work in that

when I was
wacka do-ing

I liked that tune a lot,
so I--

Tainy wingum wacka do-ing

Oh, but I'll go away now

so you can do your
other movie parts.

Oh, wack wack wack and you
you know who

I know you
and I know how too

Now, listen.

And listen loud!

When you guys come and go
from this office,

I want you to come and go
in quick order,

without a lot of unnecessary
chatter amongst yourselves!

Haskins!

Yes, sir.

See that the Accounting
Department

gets these letters
right away!

Lance! I--

Yes, sir.

I want you
to make a pickup

at T.P.'s office.
Double time!

Larkin! Go down--

--to the L.A. post office

for a registered letter
and sign for it,

then bring it back here
quick-like!

And now, Morty!
Yeah!

Oh, I stuck my--

Morty.
Yeah.

Before I give you
your assignment--

Don't yell or hit.

Let me make this
clear to you.

I'm going to listen
to every clear.

Good, because this is very,
very important to me.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll do
all the things.

Now, you are to
take these packages.

Packages.

Envelopes.
Envelopes.

Papers.
Papers.

That other matter.
Other matter.

And papers.
These all also papers?

Also these papers, and deliver
them to the addressee

indicated on the outside
of each item. Is that clear?

Yeah, I was gonna say while you
were saying it, it's very clear.

If I see it says to go
to a place, I'll go there.

But if I don't,
then it won't be clear.

Good. Now.
Now for the important part.

Now, you know, Morty,
I am a very patient man.

I noticed before
how terrific your mind is.

And it takes a great deal
for me to become unhinged

for one reason or another.
Yeah.

But you see, when
my nerves tip me off

that I'm going to
become unglued,

that's when I have to
assert myself,

do you understand that,
Morty?

You're about to
smack people, right?

That's when I have to
assert myself!

Oh, if you just
don't bang.

Is that clear?

Oh, that scared me
and it's clear.

Is there more
you're gonna tell me?

Because I wanna
rest a second.

Yes! Yes, there's more.
Oh, tell me, then.

The best part.
Don't hit, though.

When you go out
that confounded screen door,

I want you to be sure--

And let me repeat this,
I want you to be absolutely sure

that the screen door
does not slam!

I'll be very careful that
it won't make a noise.

Thank you!
You're welcome, sir.

Now, pick up these packages,
envelopes and--

The envelopes and--

And I take them all
at the same time?

Please do.

Packages and the envelopes.
I can take them--

I'll take the packages,

and then I can carry
the envelopes at the same time?

All of the things,
and I won't let that door slam.

And the let--
And all of the delivering parts.

Envelopes and packages
and--

And I'll carry all of that

to the names of whatever
is on...

the address.

I got a typewriter too.

I better leave the machine.

And watch that door,
Morty!

Yeah. It won't slam.

I was worried about
the noisy typewriter.

Morty!

Don't!

That Lindbergh sure had guts,
didn't he?

All the way by himself.

It's all water.

Eleven. Anyone for 11?

Twelve. Twelve out, please.

Let them out.

Thirteen.

Thirteen.

This is 13!

Do you smoke, ma'am?

Thank heavens.

Oh...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I never would--
I've--

You look just--
I don't--

Really.
Never before I--

Well, I--

Somehow I have a feeling
it's very close to lunchtime.

Well,
so it is.

And I would judge by the grip
on the lunch boxes

and the amount of moisture
around the lips,

that the lunch bell should ring
in about 15 seconds.

Now,
when that bell rings,

it means you have exactly
30 minutes to eat your lunch.

Not 31 minutes, mind you.
Thirty minutes.

Now, we usually eat right here

in the office to save
a little time.

And now,
for you ladies and gentlemen,

who enjoy early dinner music
for lunch,

it's the lovely,

soft and tender strains
of Cordovan

and his world-famous string
quartet

playing "Stout Grain."

You dropped
your lettuce.

Oh, uh...

And...

There are all three
of them that--

That's from--

All four of them, and--

Did I see them on television
or what?

And that's what I thought
when I--

Sandwich.

Oh, you're scared also.

Could I have an autograph
for my tele--? Family?

Hello.
I was sent--

From the Production Department.
Are you the errand boy?

Yeah, I was gonna say that.
I'm the errand boy.

They told me to come over
and relieve you.

Thanks. I'll only be
a minute or two.

All right. What do I do,
just take--?

Oh, that's a little--
I'm sorry.

I just take the checks and--
All right.

Thank you.

How do you
work that--?

Hello.
Hello.

And what'll you have?

I want 25 cents' worth
of jelly beans.

Twenty-five cents' worth?

Those are very good,
those bonbons. You want jelly--?

What about the--? Licorice would
be good, don't you think so?

A dollar a pound.

Twenty-five cents,
a quarter pound--

A quarter--

Here you are, dear.

Thank you.

Jelly beans. That's the best.

Boy, I've got--

Whoa...

Here's an extra one.

And what would you
like to have, dear?

I would like 25 cents' worth
of those jelly beans too.

That's not good to--

Twenty-five--

Wonder what would happen
if the woman was here.

She'd--

What happened to this?

It's not--

Well, you get extra this way,
but just--

This is very good.

Here. You can split
the extra part. With her.

It's very hot in here.
I'll leave it out.

And I suppose you want 25 cents'
worth of jelly beans too?

No, thank you
very kindly, sir.

"No, thank you very kindly."

Very nice little boy.
Polite.

I like children
that are polite.

I'm glad. This is--

The heaviest jellies--

All right, sonny,
what would you like to have?

I would like to have 10 cents'
worth of jelly beans.

Geronimo!
Banzai!

You little monsters!

Cut! Cut!

Cut! Hold it! Cut!

Hold it! Hold it!

Well, you haven't had
any word from the kid yet?

There hasn't been any word
yet from this--

Oh, no, no. Not a word,
T.P., sir.

I see. Well, are you sure
that nobody knows anything?

And I'm sure that nobody
knows anything about it--

Oh, positive.
Positive, sir, T.P.

I mean,
does anybody suspect?

Does anybody suspect?

Oh, you can rest assure,
sir,

that no one even knows
that he's alive.

Now listen, and listen loud!

Listen to the man.

When you go and come
out of here,

we want you to come and go
and get in here in short order.

Get it in, get it out.
Get it back. Get it forward.

Get it fast,
get it slow.

We're on a big thing.
When I say go--

Right?
Right. Check.

Did he see me?
Did he see me?

Kidding around,
you know.

Morty!
Yes, sir.

Do you know where the
Stenographic Department is?

Yes, sir. You just go right
out here, turn to your right,

go into the building,
go up three flights.

The quickest way for you
to go is to make a turn--

I'm not going,
you're going!

Oh, all right.

I just want to be sure
you know where it is.

Yes, sir, I do.

Now, these are very important
script changes

for Gun-fighters
of the Prairie.

Yes, sir.

Now, they need this stuff
right away.

They're probably gonna
shoot it this afternoon.

So get going.
Right, sir. Yes, sir.

And Morty?
Yes, sir?

Please--
Oh, don't worry.

No, don't worry, sir.
I mean, what can happen?

I'm just gonna deliver
the papers, that's all.

Morty, don't slam
the... door.

They told me--

Is this where you
bring all the--?

They said, uh,
to bring the--

Here are the papers.

They said I should bring here,
this paper here,

to have, uh--

To have the papers--

Take inside--

The Gunslinging
in Your Belt part.

No, I'm working on
The Sea of the Big Pirates.

Miss Herok, back there
in the corner,

is working on The Gun-fighters
of the Prairie.

Oh, I'm sor--
Thank you.

Then I'll bring all
the pages from the--

Are you Miss Hammond?
Are you the--?

Are you the girl that--?

Are you Miss Har--?

Yeah, well, I brought
the Gunsl-- Part--

Those are blue page
changes.

I only work on
white pages.

I think you're gonna have
to see Miss Calonica.

She's over there.
She works on the blue pages.

Oh, all right. Then her.
That person is gonna take that.

Yeah, she works on
the blue pages.

Oh, thanks a lot,
Miss Heidenan.

You're welcome.

Well, let me get the--
Let me-- I just--

Here's a bunch of them to--

I'd better-- I'm s--
I didn't mean--

Well, don't look mad.
You'll get the--

Maybe a sweeper would--

Let's go.

Come on.
If we're late again,

Grumpy's not gonna be
as precious as he usually is.

I'm gonna finish my milk
because I drink the milk.

It's the only time of the day
that I have any energy.

That's the only--
Milk is for my teeth.

And calcium to make me--

Milk is the best.

I drink it a lot
to be help--

Certainly sounds different,
Baron.

I can't wait
to see this.

Me too. I never seen
rushes before.

And this scene you mentioned,
Baron, was shot only yesterday?

That's right.

You see that film just as I do,
for the first time.

Wonderful.
Well, fine.

Now, it will only take a minute,
and we'll be ready.

And in the meantime,
let me explain.

Now, this scene is without
words.

Just music.

It's a cocktail party

at one of the richest families
in Philadelphia.

When the daughter comes in,

finding her mother
and father gone,

leaving only the guests
with drinks

in their hands and then--
Shh-shh.

Watch.

What is that?

Where does that face come from?

Whose face is that anyway?

You mean you didn't
plan that?

Plan that?
Are you crazy?

Look! My film is ruined!
Who is that?

Will somebody please tell me,
who is that?

It is-- It is kaput!
Everything is kaput!

If film is kaput, I am kaput!

Well, what are we waiting for,
Jedson?

We're waiting for the film,
Mr. Greenback.

We can't roll
for a sound take

unless we're in sync
with the picture.

Sync, schmync.
You guys are always making

with the technical terms

so producers don't know
what you're talking about.

And if we made it sound simple,
then would they know?

I just thought it would be
much better if we could--

All right, roll it.

Eighty-six-five.

Goodbye,
my little darling.

I'm a-gonna
miss you.

Goodbye, Brett,
honey.

Oh, I hate to see
a cry in your eye.

Please, Brett,
don't fret,

because you are my

Lover
when I'm near you

And I hear you
speak my name

Softly in my ear

You breathe a flame

Lover
when we're dancing

Keep on glancing
in my eyes

Till love's own entrancing
music dies

All of my future
is in you

You're every plan
I design

Promise you'll always
continue...

I know, I know!
What do you think I called

this dubbing session for?

She's awful. Horrible.

And I don't think
she can sing either.

Now, shall we try one with the
singer doing it, Mr. Greenback?

Please.

All right, everything on.

We go for a take
with the other voice.

If you're ready,
Miss Hayes,

we can try a take.

I'm all set when you are.

Six-five.

Please, Brett,
don't fret,

because you are my

Lover
when I'm near you

And I hear you
speak my name

Softly in my ear

You breathe a flame

Lover,
when we're dancing

Keep on glancing
in my eyes

Till love's own entrancing
music dies

All of my future
is in you

You're every plan
I design

Promise you'll
always continue

To be mine

Lover
please be tender

When you're tender,
fears depart

Lover
I surrender

To my heart

Wonderful, miss,
just simply wonderful.

All right, fellas,
that's a print.

Wrap it up,
and that's lunch, one hour.

Good boy.

Goodbye, my little darling.

I'm a-gonna miss you.

Goodbye, Brett,
honey.

Oh, I hate to see
a cry in your eye.

Please, Brett,
don't fret,

because you are my

Lover
When I'm near you

And I hear you
speak my name

Softly in my ear

You breathe a flame

Lover
when we're dancing

Keep on glancing
in your eyes

Oh, that music dies

All of my--

Well, here we are.

Helen, when you
see this doctor,

ask him why you're always
getting laryngitis.

You've had it three times
in a matter of months.

You?

What are you
doing here?

Well, I guess
it's all right this time.

Now, Morty, it's the medical
building in Beverly Hills.

Take Mrs. P. there, drop her,

go get the car washed,
pick her up

and bring her right back here,
is that clear?

Uh... Ahem...

Yeah, I go
to the medical building

in Beverly Hills,
I drop off Mrs. P.,

then I take the car
to have it washed,

then I pick her up
and come back here.

All right, so long, Helen.
Okay, yeah.

Mrs. P., the Beverly Hills,
and then I have the car washed,

and then I have a medicine man
fix the building.

That is a motion-picture
premiere of the year.

Three years ago,
if you'll recall,

Paramutual Studios turned out
three of the top hits.

And one was The Tall Pain,

and that was a tremendous
picture.

Then came Heaven Is Far
and, of course,

the one you'll never forget,
Hot Heat.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
and now, tonight,

you're about to witness
the world-premiere showing

of Paramutual's
biggest-of-all-time thriller,

So?...

starring Alba Kirk
and Rock Pile.

Stepping out of his car is
the star of that jungle series,

Mr. Brent Wood,

and his lovely leading lady,
Belle Flower.

Good evening.
It's a pleasure

to have you with us
this evening.

Oh, and, ladies and gentlemen,
stepping out of her car

is the biggest star
to hit the Hollywood heavens

since Baby LeRoy:

Serina! And maybe we can
get her to say hello to us

on this mike this evening.
Well, well, well, well, well.

Serina, you look
your usual lovely self.

Thank you, darling.

Would you step over
on this side

so the cameras can get a better
look at you? There you are.

You certainly look
your beautiful self.

Thank you, darling.

It's living a clean life,
I guess.

Serina, do you
have the tickets?

I find early to bed,
early to rise

makes you keep
that adorable size.

Well...

If you...

Well, you can certainly
say that again, Serina.

Thank you, darling.
I find early to bed, early to...

What I meant,
Serina, was...

I didn't mean you could
say it again, I meant...

Five minutes.

Five minutes.

Five minutes.
Five minutes, please.

Five minutes.

Ladies and gentlemen,
let me remind you

that this is,
without a doubt,

the very finest
premiere

that we have had
here in Hollywood.

As you know,

Serina has only returned
to this country

a short time ago,

and this will be her first
public appearance tonight.

While we are...

Darling, do you believe
what you're watching?

This is the worst
piece of junk

and the lousiest
performances.

Yeah--
Shh.

Excitement really runs high
here tonight, folks.

We're just sorry
all of you listeners

couldn't be here in person.

This is really Hollywood.
What a night.

And remember, ladies
and gentlemen, this telecast...

Come on, fellas,
let's play cards.

...has been brought to you

by the motion-picture
industry's best friend,

the Defunct Insurance Company
of America.

Morty!

...bring you live,
on-the-spot coverage

of the most important
happenings in America,

such as the bridge
championships,

the semi-pro soccer matches

and the annual botany show.

So until
we see you folks again,

this is your on-the-spot
reporter

bidding you all goodbye
and good insurance.

Oh, darling, a little fan
handed me this note.

"I hope you don't mind
my writing you,

"but when I first
saw you in person,

that was the day
my life was complete."

Here's the key, darling.

"My life was complete
and fulfilled.

"And anybody would love
meeting a movie star,

"especially one
as lovely, as talented,

as great, as warm,
as talented..."

Make yourself
a drink, darling.

I'm going to get
into something

a little more...

It's a crazy!

You sent for me, T.P.?
Yeah, come on in.

Oh, Master of--

Oh, shut up.

Come on,
get over here.

And don't kiss my hand.
Sit down.

Not in my chair!
No, sir, I'm sorry.

How about this little chair?
I'll sit right here.

Do you have any idea

how many complaints I've had
in regard to that village idiot

errand boy of yours?

Well, no, sir, but I think--
You think!

With what?

When's the last time
you paid a visit

to that brain of yours?

You nitwit!

But I--
But you, my eye.

Do you realize
that that...?

That-- That screw-loose
imitation of a human being

has disrupted this studio
beyond control?

I know!
You know?

Not if you yell,
I don't know.

And you
let it continue?

Well, only insofar
that I knew

that he was working out
so well for us in...

In that, uh, other
little matter.

Oh? Really?

What has he come up with?
Well.

I knew that you wanted
everything

reported to you
in a written statement,

and I was just right
in the throes of...

Oh my, that's a lovely suit
that you have there, T.P...

And, oh, that tie...

Yeah, I was right in the throes
of compiling the report

when you sent for me.

Well, that's different.
Different?

Now, you get that report to me
as soon as you can.

Oh, soon as I can.

I hope it's half as informative
as those complaints were.

Yes, those complaints.
Yeah.

Get my secretary.
Miss Clay, please.

Ah, Miss Clay.
Yeah! Miss Clay.

Say, find that errand boy.

This is Sneak, first,
Miss Clay. Yeah!

Well, I'm at the commissaries.

Now, find that errand boy,
that Morty,

and tell him I want to see him
in my office right now.

Where shall I look
for him, sir?

Try the alcohol jars
at the studio infirmary.

But find him!

Hey, Carl.
I'll get the hats and canes

and you get the dummies.

Okay, Ralph.

How many did they
say they wanted?

I think they wanted
three, is all.

Okay, three it is.

Oh, thank you very much
for getting me up.

I was stuck there
the whole night.

Psst.

Psst.

What's that?
West Coast Ding-Dong school?

The kids?
Yeah.

No, they go to school here
on the lot

when they're making
pictures.

Yeah? How come?

Well, they've gotta
put in so many hours

during the day on lessons.

Oh, this must be recess, huh?
Yeah, I guess so.

That's very interesting.
I never knew that.

Come on, we only got
20 more minutes for lunch.

No, you go ahead.
I wanna watch.

All right.

Hi, men.

Hi.
Hi.
Hi. Hi.

Would you like a few lessons
on the art of basketball?

Sure, are you gonna
show us how?

Oh, sure, I'd show you.
Would you like me to show you?

Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.

Okay. My name's Morty.

You can call me that
if you want to.

Okay, Morty, give us
a few lessons.

I will. Almost through
with the ball?

Yeah.
Okay,

let's have it
and step this way.

Get that, get it.
Get that.

Right here.
Here we go!

Oh. Get that. Hey!

The ball!

Stand over here.

Keep your eye
right on there.

Get the idea?
It's all rhythm.

Get the idea?
Yeah.

Wanna try it?
Yes, we do.

All right, go ahead.

You did
very good, boys.

Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

I couldn't teach you too much,
because you're very good, boys.

Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

You're welcome.
You do this a lot, right?

Yes.
Yeah.

Yeah. Could I see
the ball?

Yeah.

- You smart alecks!
- Give us our ball!

Here, here, boys.

I couldn't help but see
what was going on.

Now, let me give you all
some advice:

Let that kid
have the ball.

What good is it gonna do
if you catch him?

It's only gonna lead
to an argument,

and nothing ever gets
solved by arguing.

Be kind
and be sweet.

You'll find out
as you grow older

that it's much better
to agree and to adhere

to all the rules
that people set up.

Mr. Durocher.
Yes?

Your call
to New York is ready.

Thank you very much.

Oh-whoa!

Morty!

Yes, sir.

Morty, I've got an itch
that's driving me crazy.

Will you scratch my back,
please?

Your back? Yeah.

I hope no one comes in.
We look so silly.

A little higher.

I hope no one comes in.
We look so silly.

Oh, higher on the scratching.

Little clown.

Little clown.

Hello. You're Morty,
aren't you?

Well, yeah,
how'd you know?

The little clown told me
all about you.

Oh, yeah? Oh, he's
a cute little fella.

I'm Magnolia.
I'm from the Deep South.

Are you?
Uh-huh.

No kidding?

N-no, really, I'm not
kidding at all.

I'd have never
known it.

Really?

I swear.

I'm only teasing.
I'm from New Jersey.

Are you really?
Yeah.

What--? Whatever brought
you so far from your home?

Oh, well...

I guess, for as long
as I can remember,

I wanted
to go to Hollywood

and see the movie stars
and the studios

and all the people
that made the pictures

and how they made them.

And I guess
it wasn't uncommon with me,

like with a lot
of other guys my age

that liked movies.

So I saved up some money,
and one day I got on a bus...

and here I was,
in Hollywood.

So when I got here,
I realized

I wasn't any closer to it
than when I was in New Jersey.

And, as you know,

when you're far away
from something

and you can't get to it,
that's not quite half as bad

as when you're close
to that something

and you can't get to it.

Right?
Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.
I think it's right.

Yeah.

So, I guess I was just
a little overanxious.

I was so delighted and happy

about working
at a studio that I...

I promised them
I would give them

the information
they wanted.

And I can't do it.

Huh.

I even flunked spy.

What a shame.

Well, that's not all.

From the first day
that I got here,

I've done nothing but cause
everybody trouble.

I didn't mean to.

It's just that I've been
so delighted with working here,

that I didn't think
half of the time.

I'm a gofer.

They tell me to go for this
and go for that.

And I can't go for this
or go for that even properly.

And the only reason,
I guess,

they haven't given me
the ax is because

they probably figure

I'm gonna tell them
a lot of things.

Well, I've taken up about
enough of your time.

I'm sorry that I've bent
your feathers so long, but...

Wait a minute.

I just thought of something.
What's that?

Well, I know
I'm not terribly smart.

And a lot of people
are saying

that maybe I lost
a couple of my marbles,

but I ain't dumb.

And you don't have to have

a Harvard graduation
certificate--

although it would
be good to have that

if you ever wanted
to work in Washington--

to know that...

puppets can't talk.

Well, that depends.

Can you--? Can you remember
when you were a little boy

and your parents took
you to a puppet show?

And how you'd think,
"Why, they're almost alive."

Or, "They made me
believe they're alive"?

Yeah, I remember that,
I do.

Well, it isn't
any different now.

Especially when
you want to believe

what you see and hear.

So you see, Morty, you actually
liked the little clown enough

to take him at face value.
You didn't stop to analyze him.

You just liked what you saw,
and you believed what you liked.

Yeah.
Uh-huh.

Yeah, I guess so.

You know something else?
What?

I believe you.
Fine.

And I like you too.

I like liking you.

It makes me feel good...

just liking someone.

Well...

I've gotta really go now.

Maybe I'll come by
and see you again, huh?

All right.
Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

Say hello
to the little clown for me.

Oh, I will.
Bye.

Bye.

Oh, my darling.

Oh, my love.

My love.

My love.

And here's to a fond farewell,
my love.

For we shall
never meet again...

at least in this world.

But if my prayers
are answered...

...maybe we will meet...

in the world beyond.

Farewell.

Goodbye.

Unh!

Oh!

Unnh!

Cut! And print
that one.

Lovely. Lovely.

You were more
magnificent

than I've ever
seen you, Anastasia.

Just brilliant.
Brilliant.

Thank you, Jason.

I thought
it was rather tender.

Great.
Just great, Anastasia.

But then, you always are,
my dear.

You always are.

Splendid, Anastasia, splendid.
Splendid, Anastasia.

Isn't it wonderful
you could wrap up the picture

on your birthday?

On your birthday too.
Oh, T.P.

It is your birthday, isn't it?
It is your birthday?

How did you find out?
We have ways, Anastasia.

Oh, yes, we have
ways, Anasta--

Don't we, Sneak?

Yes, T.P., we have--

Go fetch the champagne,
and hurry.

The present.

I'll get
the present, T.P.

A little surprise,
darling.

Bring this!

Turn the cameras,
keep them rolling.

Roll them.

Ladies and gentlemen...

this is Anastasia Anastasia's
birthday.

Happy birthday to you,
from... me and the crew.

Happy birthday,
Anastasia.

Uh, now, let's
drink up that brew.

Thank you, T.P.

And thank you,
all of you.

You're all so nice
and wonderful.

I would like to make
a sincere and honest toast.

And here's to a fond farewell,
my love,

for we shall never again meet,
at least--

But I-- I-- I--
Anastasia, darling.

Never make a toast
with an empty glass.

Let me fill it,
and then the toast.

Oh, why, of course.
How stupid of me.

Open that,
will you, son?

Uh, yes. Yes, ma'am.

Oh, no!

Oh, you crazy kid!

No! No!

Oh, no!

No!

I--

Whoa-oooh!

Ooh-ooh!

No!

No! No! No!

What's going on here?

What's so funny?

Come on, tell me
so I can laugh too.

It's absolutely
the funniest thing

I've seen
in my entire life.

What is?
What's the funniest thing?

What have you all
been looking at?

Your errand boy,
that nutty kid, Morty.

That's the best
comedy performance

I've seen on the screen
in years.

"Performance"?
From that errand boy?

That's right, a performance,

the likes of which
I've never seen.

So our little New York
Method director,

that's the best thing
he's ever seen?

Yes, Mr. Paramutual.

The likes of which
I've never seen.

And just who are you?

Just who are you,
one of those

"I've been making pictures
for 30 years" kind of guys?

That's not enough
of a criterion for me.

You could have been making
those pictures wrong.

Let me tell you something.

And it might be wise
for you to remember it.

Anyone in the world would give
anything to do a performance...

because--
Because performing

is nothing more than
a form of expression.

But not everyone
is capable of--

Of expressing themselves
openly and freely.

And therefore, only a few,
only a very few are chosen.

Chosen to--
To communicate and express

for the millions that--

That either can't,
don't know how

or would never get
the opportunity to do so.

And those few that are chosen
are called actors.

But they're still people.

And I might add, a...

A very special kind of people.

Yes, Mr. Paramutual,
that was a performance.

And given by one who can
express what he feels,

whether it be dramatic or comic,
because he communicates.

Yes, he communicates.

And that's the vitally important
substance

that makes great stars.

With this kid, Mr. Paramutual,

you've not only got a potential
great star and comedy find...

you've got a gold mine.

Wha--?

Oh, this is preposterous.
Oh, it is, huh?

Well, you can thank
your lucky stars

that he's working
for you,

because right in the palm
of your hand, you got--

Right in the palm of your hand,
you have star material.

Someone who can
make people laugh.

Now that's a quality
that's difficult to define,

but nonetheless,
it's there on that screen.

And this kid will make you
a fortune.

More money than even...

you'll know
what to do with, sir.

"Performance." "Star material."

"Gold mine."

"Fortune"?

Sneak.

Get that boy, Morty, here,
will you? Hurry up.

Have you forgotten, T.P.?

You had him thrown
off the lot, remember?

Oh, Great White... Idiot!

Yeah, yeah. All right,
all right, I'm an idiot.

But please, Sneak,

go get that boy, will you?
We need that boy.

Get him yourself,
bigmouth.

Yeah, I'm a bigmouth,
but let's get that boy,

I need him, awful bad.

Now, you know,
I like him like a son.

Hello, Helen.

Hi, how are you?

Hi, Bob.

Saw your picture last night,
Morty. It was great.

Thank you, Stark.

Babe. Woe.
Babe. Woe.

Sen. Tall.
Sen. Tall.

Babewoesentall.
Baywumpenbum.

No, no, you didn't get it.

Hi. Hello.

Oh, good. You learned how to...
Very nice.

Oh, see you. Bye.

I mean, hello...
Uh... Oh.

Hello, Helen, Lorraine.
Portland.

Hi. Hi. Hello there.

Hi. Love you, love you.
Love you. Hi.

Well, I'll be
a son of a gun.

What's that kid doing?

Hey, kid!

You're doing that all wrong.

I mean, I don't like
to tell you your business,

but I started this way.

Let me just come up here
a second,

I'll show you what it's...

Let me show you how to do this.

It's a very difficult job,
unless you do it right.

Here, don't panic.
Wait.

Hold it.

I used to do this.
I mean, that's how I started.

You don't mind if I help you
or show you?

Because you're getting it
all very mixed-up.

You gotta do this
with patience.

Wh-- I'll watch whatever you
show me.