All language subtitles for The Millers s01e14 Carols Surprise.eng

So, you think
you'll be able to find

the guy that broke into my car?

We tried to leave
the crime scene untouched.

Except for some powder
on the dash when my mom tried

to dust for prints
using her makeup brush.

Well, we'll do our best
to find the culprit,

but, uh, with these
small jobs, who knows?

"Who knows"?
Is that your new slogan?

Schoolkids will be so inspired when across
the side of your cruiser

they read, "Leesburg Police, who knows?"

Listen, I know you're upset, but,

uh, I promise you, we're gonna

do everything we can
to find your...

extendable windshield scraper,

memory foam
steering wheel cover,

pine tree air freshener

that still has lots
of good smell left

and a book on tape
by Suze Orman.

Oh, they can keep
that. She's terrible.

Well, like I said,
we'll do our best,

but, uh, these smash-and-grabs
are hard to solve.

Hard to solve?
Hard to solve?

Thank you for coming,
Officer. Save yourself.

Then why bother, right?

Is it too hard
to increase patrols in the area

or monitor the local pawnshops
for the stolen goods?

Are you guys too busy shoving

bananas into each other's
tailpipes?

Excuse me.
Where I put my banana is...

You know what?
It's just...

It's a reference to the movie
Beverly Hills Cop. It's just...

Well, I'll call
if I hear anything.

Maybe we'll answer.
Who knows?!

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Okay, let's not beat
around the bush.

It's my birthday week, and
you people need to go shopping.

"Blue striped scarf
from that kiosk at the mall.

"Parentheses, the sales girl
has a big mole on her face.

"It is not food."

"Don't tell her
to brush it off."

Mine says, "Spa massage
and no female therapist."

It's my birthday.
(clicks tongue)

My piece of paper's blank.

That's because all Grandma
wants from you for her birthday

is a sweet little poem
about anything you want.

Okay.

Stick to nature themes.

And I like
an ABBA rhyme scheme.

And no cutesy made-up words--
it's a crutch.

Mom, the fun of giving a gift

is having it be
somewhat of a surprise.

I mean, it's bad enough that
every time this family tries

to throw you a surprise party,
you figure it out and ruin it.

Well, I hope you liked
your birthday dinner.

Guess now
we'll just watch some TV.

Why don't you grab us
a few drinks from the kitchen.

Nah.

Why don't we have it
brought out by one of my...

35 friends
standing in the kitchen!

GUESTS:
Aw!

Nice try.

(quietly):
Okay.

She just went upstairs
to use the bathroom.

Everybody take your positions.

Come on. How you doing?

(chuckles):
This is...

(whispers):
This is so exciting.

Nice try.

(mouthing)

Nice try.

OTHERS:
Aw!

(screaming)

I'm too smart to be fooled.

It's a burden I live with
every day of my life.

Ten seconds into
The Crying Game,

I yelled out, "It's a dude."

Hey. Say hello
to the two newest members

of the neighborhood watch.

Hey, good for you,
doing your civic duty.

Eh, with Nathan's car getting
broken into right out front,

we felt we should.

Plus, any organization
that would kick your mom out,

I want to be part of.

That's why I joined A.A.

I didn't know the neighborhood
watch kicked you out.

I was betrayed
by Louise Templeton.

I don't know why those idiots
listen to her.

For the past ten years,
she's been

outwitted by
the same family of gophers.

(sighs)

Wow, it must be tiring

always being the smartest person
in the room.

Exhausting.

The bad part

about my birthdays is knowing
that I'm getting older

and someday you people are gonna
have to fend for yourselves.

I'll be up in Heaven,

terrified to look down
to see what you're doing.

(whispering):
Okay.

Huddle up, huddle up.

I'm telling you,
this is the year

we can finally surprise her.

Oh, I'd love to.
I mean, she always

throws us such great birthdays;
she deserves it.

And I'd love to finally knock
that superior look

off of her face.

I've never been
in a huddle before.

Together, we can come up
with the perfect plan.

Who's with me?

Okay. I'm in.

Me, too.
Me, too.

Me, too.

(others groan)

Nice try.

Hey, guys. All right, Ray,

do a sweep of the house
for any signs of my mom.

I'm on it.

Adam, what are you
doing to my father?

Dad has a raisin stuck somewhere
between his nose and his mouth.

I'm just trying to figure out
whether he should suck or blow.

I'm telling you, I taste it
more than I smell it.

Wait, why is Ray
sweeping the house?

Oh, because I was up all night
devising a foolproof plan

to throw Mom a surprise party.

No sign of Carol.

I even looked under the bed.

Adam, you're a weird dude.

(clears throat)
That's mine, actually.

So, this year, instead of
trying to outsmart her,

we're gonna let her
outsmart herself.

How, you ask?

Every great plan
starts with a ruse.

The morning of her birthday,
we give her a cake

to make her think
this is her celebration.

If you wished for a hug
from a tall handsome man

who smells like vanilla and
cedar, it's about to come true.

(chuckles) Mmm...

Then we act like the obedient
sheep she expects us to be.

I love it.

That's the right one?

I was nervous that I went
to the wrong scarf kiosk

run by a girl with
a disgusting mole on her face.

Here you go, Carol.

Thank you, Ray.

Pepper spray?

I know you weren't feeling safe

after Nathan's car
got broken into.

Look at the inscription.

"If you can read this,

you are a rapist and
about to go blind."

Then we hit her
with a little misdirection.

Later that day, Debbie arrives

to take Mom away
to her big spa day.

Mom, I've arrived to take you
away to your big spa day.

Great. Let me get my purse.

Oh, forget it.
Your money is no good here.

Neither is mine.
Nathan, credit card?

Then we plant the bait.

Whenever we try to bring Mom
somewhere on her birthday,

she's nervous and mistrustful.

So, we just going to the spa?

I wonder if I'll see
someone I know there or...

25 partygoers I know there.

So this time, we'll encourage
her not to go somewhere

and let her own stubbornness
bring her to her party.

Nope, it's just you and me
getting very long massages.

I want to be out of the house
as long as possible

so I miss the neighborhood
watch meeting.

There's a meeting at our house?
Oh, right.

Uh, they're-they're voting,
uh, to put up

the surveillance cameras
in the neighborhood.

Cameras? Cameras?
Of course

they're using technology
to do the work for them.

Like kids with their calculators
and shoes with wheels.

Don't get all worked up, Mom.
It's your birthday, okay?

Let's-let's just go
to the spa and relax.

Yeah.

I've got a flask full of vodka

we can put
in the cucumber water.

Then we reel her in.

We all know
Mom won't be able to relax.

Her only mission
will be getting herself

to that neighborhood watch
meeting.

Maybe I should postpone this.

My vertebrae are feeling
especially brittle today.

Plus, I skipped
my bone density yogurt.

Okay, I think you're sturdy
enough for a massage.

Last Easter,
I saw you walk three blocks

carrying a cross
made out of railroad ties.

And then Debbie turns the screw
a little more.

I'm just glad to be here
with you instead of back

at my house with
Louise Templeton.

Louise Templeton's coming to
the neighborhood watch meeting?

Of course. She's the president.
What?!

I think she bribed the
voters with her famous

coconut-peanut butter
crispy treats.

They're called
Crispy Flabbergasters,

and I invented them.

And then we have Mom
right where we want her.

Carol.

Nice to see you again.

Aw, enjoy your massage, Mom.

(sighs heavily)

Then Debbie leaves
her car behind

so Mom thinks she's still
inside and rushes home

on Mikayla's bike
she stashed earlier.

(panting)

Meanwhile, Mom will try
to relax,

but we all know
that will be impossible.

Juan Mario,
wipe the oil off your hands

and toss me my panties.

Mama needs a rain check.

Mom will want to get
to the meeting

without Debbie catching her,

so she'll find her own way back
to the house.

Oh. Excuse me.

Which way
is the nearest bus stop?

To make sure
we time things right,

we need good intel.

That's where you come in, Adam.

Adam will stake out
the end of the block

and tell us when Mom's coming.

(phone ringing)

Hey, Nate. I'm in position.

NATHAN: Great. I'll make sure
to call you the minute...

(yawning): that I see her
walking down the street.

Sorry about yawning.

Adam, do not fall asleep.
Don't worry, Nate.

Despite my reputation
as being a lover of car naps,

I will not doze off, okay?

I got my large full-caf latte
right here.

And, since I've been drinking
only decaf since 1998,

if this car's a-rockin'...
(chuckles)

I'm probably having a seizure,
so please call for help.

Adam, buddy,
you can't fall asleep,

so whatever you do,
keep the dial off NPR.

All right, we're gonna be
waiting for your call.

You guys almost done
with those balloons?

Yep. Your mom's
gonna love 'em.

They say "Happy Hanukkah."

What? Those aren't
birthday balloons.

Ray, why is my mom
gonna love 'em?

These were half-off.

And there's only one thing a
mom loves more than a bargain,

and that's comfortable
undergarments.

And I'm not ready to
cross that line yet.

All right, check out this cake.

It's pieced together
from four different bakeries

so no one place would know
the complete message.

Mm.

"No more Mrs. Nice Try."

Oh, you're trying to be witty.

Oh.

You are a cute kid.

I'm telling you,
this is the year

we're finally
gonna surprise her.

Everything so far is going
exactly according to plan.

I am just gonna go and
say "hi" to all the guests.

Dad, where are all the guests?

I don't know.

I assumed they were hiding.

(panting)

Sorry I'm late.

If I were a big-breasted woman,

riding this bicycle
would be impossible.

If you were
a big-breasted woman,

someone would have
offered you a ride.

Where is everyone?

Yeah, I'm just trying
to figure that out.

Dad, you invited everyone,
right?

I didn't know I was supposed to.

Are you kidding me?!

You had one responsibility,
Dad, one!

I thought I was
in charge of ice.

By the way, we should probably
fill up the trays.

Oh, my God.

Dad, you ruined the party!

I specifically told you

that you were in charge
of inviting the guests.

Remember? We were sitting
right here watching Matlock.

Wait. Nathan, you can't tell him
something during Matlock

and expect him to remember it.

Oh, the party's ruined.

I could pack this room
full of ladies,

but it's gonna cost you.

You know what?

You know, maybe...
maybe it's not ruined.

I mean, we're all here, right?

We got... we got decorations
and cake and presents.

Check it out;
I got her a necklace

with her children's
birthstones.

That's not my birthstone.

Yeah, I got two of mine.
Nobody likes topaz.

Okay, right, I guess
all we're really trying

to do here is surprise her,
so, yeah, I think we're good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's not panic, okay?

We got a room full of people
she loves, plus Dad.

I'll go get the cake.

What the...?

Care for some cake?

I don't have my
reading glasses.

What does it say?

"Nice try."

Were you trying to be...?

Witty. Yes, I was
trying to be...

This is unbelievable!

I can't believe
you figured this out!

Hey, what's going...?

(gasps) She's the Devil.

So when did you figure this out?

You know what?
I almost didn't.

I was pretty worked up

about the neighborhood watch
meeting

until Juan Mario
released a big knot in my back.

(groans loudly)

Ooh, yeah!

And once I was relaxed,
my brain went to work.

Great! Let me get my purse.

The first thing
that was a little off was

when Debbie asked for money.

Oh, forget it, Mom.
Your money's no good here.

Neither is mine.
Nathan, credit card?

Usually when
you give her money,

you tack on
a snide comment, like...

"Maybe I should change
my name to Debbie

since you always
have my credit card."

Or at the very least a...

"Ha, ha! I have
more money than you!"

But instead, you quietly
reached into your wallet

and gave her your credit card.

Then, when we were walking
into the spa,

I thought I spotted
Mikayla's bike in the bushes.

But sometimes I think I see
Dan Rather at the Food Lion,

so I don't trust my eyes.

But what really gave you away
was Debbie.

You know how when she lies

she starts giving
too many details.

So, for the meeting,
Dad cut eight lemons,

but Adam didn't think
that was enough

because people tend to
really like iced tea,

and they were expecting
14 people; Dad was wearing

that white button-up shirt, dark
blue jeans and those loafers

he has-- not the brown ones
with the buckles,

but the tan ones
without the buckles.

I guess he wanted to look
nice for the meeting.

I'm just glad to
be here with you

instead of back at my house
with Louise Templeton.

That's when I put
all the pieces together.

Juan Mario,
wipe the oil off your hands

and toss me my panties.

I saw her car in
the parking lot, but no bike.

I knew I had to get
to the bus quickly

if I was going to catch
all of you trying to give me

the surprise party
I've always dreamed of.

And your look-out was...

(snoring)

...a bad choice.

I'd say that it didn't take
a genius to figure this out,

but it kind of did.

I think Carol might be close!

Damn it.

Way to go, Adam.

You fell asleep at the wheel,

which, for most people,
is a metaphor,

but somehow
you made it come true.

What are you gonna do next?
Have this cake and eat it, too?

Hey, you know what?
Don't yell at Adam.

Just admit you had
a stupid plan.

The only thing stupid about my
plan was the partners I chose.

It would have worked fine if
Debbie had been a better liar,

or Dad could remember to do
what I told him to do!

Filling up the ice trays?!
How would that have helped?!

God help you people if I die.

I thought maybe
this was the year

I could stop worrying
about my health.

Eat cake instead of salad,
maybe smoke a little,

find a crooked doctor and get
some fun prescriptions, but no.

I got to stay healthy

so I can keep taking care
of you dumb-dumbs.

And that's the real present
you want every year, isn't it?

You love the ego boost
of thinking

that without you,
we'd all fall apart.

Well, wake up.

You made us this way--

dependent on you.

But you know what? It's over.

Because from now on,
I don't want or need your help.

I can't find my keys.

Thank you.

It was a good speech.

Shut up!

Anyway, that's why I'm
missing so many toenails.

Hmm.

Well, thanks for
driving me home, Ray,

but I would have been
perfectly fine walking.

After Nate got his car
broken into, no way.

Well, thank you, Ray.
(patting knee)

I love your car.
It's so roomy.

Yeah.
You could fit another car in the back.

(screaming) (yelling)

(yelling)

Mom!
Nathan!

Yes, Nathan!
Oh! Oh!

What were you doing?!

I was trying to surprise you one last time!
Oh!

Look, I got you a necklace.

Why do you have to make
everything so difficult?!

(sighs)

Of all the different ways

you tried to surprise me,
why a carjacking?

Well, I was desperate.

My plan had fallen apart,
I just...

I walked out, I saw Ray's
snow gear in the car,

and I just thought
I'd give it a shot.

Like most carjackings,
it was a crime of opportunity.

Oh, my gosh,
Nathan Miller from WXDN?

You're my favorite reporter.

I didn't realize
it would be so easy

to recognize you
just from your mouth.

Oh, great lips, by the way.

I'd love to watch you
eat a peach in slow motion.

(sighs) What happened?

My mother
pepper-sprayed him.

Okay, great. You can
come with me, Mr. Miller.

I'll take you
right back. Here.

Hold my hand.
Oh.

Tighter.

Wait-wait a second.
Wait a second.

I-I got something I got to
say to my mother before I go.

Mom, this is a hospital,

and a lot of unexpected things
can happen.

So I guess I just wanted
one last chance to say...

surprise.

ALL:
Surprise!

(whooping and cheering)

Oh, my! Oh!

Susan! Oh.

And Jimmy and Mary, you drove
all the way from Myrtle Beach!

Betty.

Betty, is that you?

I thought you were dead. Oh.

Oh.

And you're not really hurt?

No. The pepper spray that
Ray gave you was just water.

I ordered it
from an online joke store.

And, Debbie,
you were in on this, too?

No. Kind of freaked
out right now.

I'm very confused.

(clears throat)

When did you start
plotting this?

From the very beginning.

The first thing I did was
steal stuff out of my own car.

Then I hired a fake cop to come
and take the police report.

However, there was a little
confusion about what services

I was hiring the fake cop for.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

I kept everyone in the dark
on my plan,

because let's face it,

I wasn't exactly dealing
with the brightest crew.

Dad was right; I never actually
told him to invite the guests.

Though we did watch
an episode of Matlock,

and it was surprisingly good.

This is surprisingly good.

The night of Mom's birthday,
I switched out Adam's latte.

Hey, buddy, how about
a hug good-bye?

Oh, my God.

Nine years, and finally
you asked me first.

The whole time, he was chugging
decaf and warm milk.

I knew that Mom was aware
of Debbie's bad lying skills,

and my snarkiness
when she asked for money.

So I exploited them
and put her on the wrong track.

And then I used my connections

here at the hospital
to arrange this party.

Might cost me my job,
but years from now,

we're gonna tell our kids this
story and laugh, right, Nate?

(chuckles): I'm just kidding.
I'm very fertile.

All right, everybody,
let's keep this party going

across the street
at McGee's Rib Shack!

Be careful on the
way out not to slip.

There was stabbing victim
earlier who lost a lot of blood.

Well, Mom, even though
I feel very used

by my brother right now,
it was worth it.

You finally got
a birthday as good

as the ones you've given us,
and you deserve it.

Hey, after we eat some ribs,
we're gonna go out

and find the guy
who did this to you.

You know what?

Maybe Dad can get a CAT scan
while we're here.

(chuckles)

Honestly, are you
a little disappointed

that I finally outsmarted you?

Maybe just a little bit?

Are you kidding?

This is the best gift
I could have gotten.

Now that I know there's
someone else smart enough

to take care of this family,
I'm not afraid to die anymore.

I can finally find out
what a rave is all about.

That's great, Mom.

Happy birthday.
I love you.

By the way, I do not want to
take over for many, many years.

Bye, Nate.
You owe me a dinner.

Just kidding.

(silly groaning)

Aah! Aah!

Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

(screaming, laughing)

Ooh, that little piggy
went to Heaven.

Ooh, baby.

Nobody can ever know about this.

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