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I can't think of anyone who'd make
better parents than Nikki and Jason.

They are just the nicest
people in the world.

Yeah, totally agree. Mm.

Obviously, they'll be less
nice when they have kids.

Obviously.

Everyone is. I mean, anyone
can be nice without kids, right?

Yeah.

No, but really, they're just amazing
people. Really, really amazing.

Yeah. Yeah, and they're a great couple.

Really strong, really resilient.

Oh, my God. So strong, so resilient.

The thing to remember with
them is that they're very

- strong.
- Strong.

- And resilient.
- Resilient.

They're just really
strong and resilient.

Really strong, really resilient.

When she told me she was
adopting, I was like,

"Bitch, this news is global".

I mean, I would totally adopt.

Having a baby is gross.

I mean, what if it looks like the dad?

Then when you're having
sex with your husband,

it's like having sex with
someone that looks like your son.

I mean, that is just grim.

I mean, they're just
really strong and resilient.

Okay. So there's wipes
and drinks in there.

I've got a new number, so
I wrote it down for you.

- Yeah, no. We'll be fine.
- Thanks for doing this.

No, we need the practice. We're
so flattered that you'd ask us.

Oh, no, totally. It's just
childcare is crazy expensive, so...

Right?

- Oh, hello. Who's this?
- Snap Snap.

Oh. Does she want some breakfast?

A little bit of sausage for Snap Snap?

- No. She's vegan.
- All right.

Snap Snap's a vegan. Good for Snap Snap.

- So, where are you, um, going today?
- Day spa at the Chilterns.

- Lovely.
- Lovely.

Yeah, I need to be in the countryside.

Just, you know, even for an afternoon.

Be nice to see some flowers

other than on a pavement after
someone's been hit by a car.

Okay, so there's the number.

- Okay. Great.
- I'll just put these in here.

Chloe had a cold last week.
Knocked her out of it.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah. It was great.

Don't be afraid to call.
Oh, I'll just get the buggy.

Actually, I thought we'll probably
all just walk, 'cause the buggy's

- a bit of a faff, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Okay, if you're sure.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I've written down times for food,
otherwise they get very difficult.

Do they?

You can be semiflexible
with the midmorning snack.

Okay. I think we'll just
fold them into our day.

- Yeah.
- Rather than...

- Uh-huh.
- You know what I mean? In terms of... Yeah.

- Let me just check that number again.
- Okay, yeah.

So, you're talking to his exes?

All of them?

And you have that sort of time?

This is fun, isn't it?

Much better than being
with your mum and dad.

Who wants an ice cream?

- Me!
- Yeah? Go on then.

Really?

- What? It's a special day.
- It's 10:30 in the morning.

Yeah, but I want them
to have an amazing time.

Plus, if you're too strict with
food, they get eating disorders.

- Everyone knows that.
- Is that right, doctor?

- Can I have a tutti-frutti?
- No, tutti-fruttis rot your teeth.

Oh, you'll have no problems with him.

I had him in the garage as a kid.

If you can strip down a car and
rebuild it, you can do anything.

Well, that's not true, but...

Should we sit over there?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Oh.

Sorry.

That was weird.

Excuse me.

This is nice, isn't it?

- What? Hang on.
- What?

- What?
- What?

What's this?

- What is that? What is it?
- What?

- It looks like a treasure hunt.
- Wow!

Oh, wow!

It says, "A pirate has buried
his, or her, treasure

somewhere in London, and these
are the clues to find it".

- I wanna see, I wanna see!
- That's so exciting, isn't it?

- You hold this. Don't eat it.
- All right. I won't.

- What's all this?
- It's a treasure hunt.

- Did you do this, yeah?
- No.

- A pirate, Jason.
- How?

- Who knows?
- Can I see it?

Maybe the pirate got up at 6:00
this morning and set it all up.

Did you get up at 6:00 this morning

and planted all these all over London?

Yes, but can you pay attention, please?

You need to follow the instructions.

Don't you worry about
me. I can follow clues.

Oh, really? 'Cause, I mean, you're
really not following this, are you?

- All right, shall we have a little read?
- Okay, yeah.

All right.

"If the first clue ye wish to know,
to a big building ye must go.

The queen of England lives within.

- The clue is hidden by a bin/lamp post".
- A bin?

Right. Where do we think that is?

A big building where the queen lives.

- Buckingham Palace! Yes!
- Okay! All right!

That's amazing.

So, let me get this clear, right?
So, it's a pirate's treasure?

Yes.

And he's buried it and left clues?

Yes.

But if he's buried it and
he knows where it is...

- Yeah, but the clues are for us.
- Why does he want us to find it?

You're really overthinking this, Jase.

Nikki's the best.

I mean, I've never really
known anyone old before,

'cause I thought it
would be really boring.

But she's not like other old people,

'cause she doesn't really
have her life together yet.

Like, she doesn't have a mortgage,
or money or a good career.

And she's still quite young, mentally,

so she can just be a really good laugh.

Wait. Did I say the wrong thing?

I mean, don't worry, she's great.
She's basically exactly like me.

- Look at that. Buckingham Palace.
- Wow!

- Wow!
- Right. Okay.

So, if there's a bin,
there's a lamppost,

- you think maybe it's over there?
- Yeah!

- Do you wanna have a look?
- Go on. Have a look.

Did you see how she hugged
me when she fell over?

- Yeah.
- Quite like it when they're upset.

- Means they need you more. Is that bad?
- Yeah.

Don't see it.

How we getting on then? Any luck?

- Don't see it.
- No.

You can't?

- It's not inside the bin.
- Are you looking hard enough?

Where could it be? Where could it be?

What?

- I found it!
- Oh, my goodness!

- No, you haven't...
- Yes!

- Yay!
- Mate, don't wave it about.

Don't wave it about. We're in London.
Someone might have it away.

This is treasure we got here.
Right, give it to Nikki. Come on.

- Oh, wow.
- What?

"Now the second clue ye have found"...

You like saying the word
"ye", don't you?

- "Now the second clue ye have found...
- And again.

- ... to the third, ye must be bound.
- See?

- But don't worry, it's not far.
- Hmm.

Look for a square named Trafalgar".

Now, where do we think that could be?

Where do we think the
Jamaican pirate's put it, guys?

Oh. Maybe... I don't know,
maybe Trafalgar Square?

Trafalgar Square! Trafalgar Square!

- Yeah, Trafalgar Square!
- It's gotta be. Oh, my God! Where is it?

- It is!
- Let's have a look. Come on. Let's go.

What do we think the treasure is?

- A puppy.
- Oh.

- This is gonna end well.
- Yeah.

Come on then! Let's go!

Infertility is a really hard
thing to come to terms with.

When you've had your
heart set on a baby,

when you've wanted it for so long

and waited for so long, and
then it doesn't happen, well...

that's really tough to take.

But life goes on.

I think she meant, was it
hard for Nikki and Jason?

Oh, right.

Well, yes, for them too, of course.

- Look at that amazing fountain.
- Well done, kids.

They found it.

- Yeah. So fast. Amazing.
- Tower Bridge.

- Really?
- Yeah, why?

Well, it's miles away, innit?
And he needs the toilet.

Oh.

There's some in the National
Gallery. It's free to get in.

Oh, right. Okay, cool.

Uh...

What? Do you want me
to? Or are you gonna?

- I think it's best if you go.
- Oh.

- What?
- Well, is he... Like, do I need to...

- Is he independent, or...
- What are you talking about?

- Do I need to help him?
- Help what?

- Help him aim it, or can he aim it?
- Oh.

- He's six. I think he can aim it.
- Yeah.

- I thought so. I'll have a...
- No. Maybe don't google that, Jase.

Yeah. No.

- Just let him lead.
- Okay.

- And let him ask for help if he needs it.
- Yeah. I...

- Must be so weird.
- What?

We're gonna be getting a little person

and immediately be doing all this stuff.

Yeah.

Never seen anyone naked
that soon after meeting them.

Yeah, you have.

Oh, yeah. I have.

They're also really
trustworthy, aren't they?

Oh, yeah. Really trustworthy.

I mean, we'd be happy to
leave our kids with them.

- Oh, yeah.
- You know, if we ever went out.

- We go out.
- Do we?

Yeah.

He works late quite a lot, so...

Not a lot.

- Come on, everyone! Roll up!
- This the quickest way?

- Yes, definitely.
- Okay.

- I think.
- London's oldest dungeon!

- Where are the kids?
- What? I thought you were watching them.

- You were supposed to be watching them!
- Where are they?

- They're just there.
- Oh, no!

I tagged you.

- Did you enjoy that?
- Yeah.

- I hope you enjoyed that.
- Very much.

Because that is the last
time you will get to do that.

- I got it.
- Come and see The Dungeon Experience!

Oh, shit. No. Kids,
we're not going in there!

Hell no! Not at those prices.

- Okay. I'll go get them.
- All right.

No. Come on, guys.
We're not going in there.

- Twenty-one pounds each.
- Sorry, not today.

Hi. Come on. Don't you wanna
carry on with the treasure hunt?

- No.
- Roll up!

- No!
- Oh, come on. Please, it'll be fun.

Hello, poppet.

- Mm. Here we go.
- Yeah, it's me. Mrs. Hannigan.

Wrongfully imprisoned here in 1842.

- Really?
- Okay. You're not helping massively.

- Don't you want to find the next clue?
- No.

Mean mummy. You take a leaflet.

- They said, "No".
- What do you mean they said, "No"?

They said, "No".

- You can't ask. You got to tell.
- All right, be my guest.

It's not a negotiation, is it?
They're little kids,

not a man with a gun.

- Two adults, two children, please.
- Sure.

So, that'll be £75.60.

And would you like an audio guide
with that? Six pounds extra.

- That sounds lovely.
- No.

Welcome to The Dungeon Experience.

It's a long way down
to the torture chamber.

But don't worry. If you
get tired at the bottom,

you can always have a
nice lie-down on the rack,

until your joints dislocate,

your flesh tears apart and
your insides spill out!

For goodness' sake.

- Come on. Come back, kids. Sam?
- Nice one, mate.

- I'm so sorry. It was...
- Come back.

Chloe!

- Rest of you, come with me.
- Less than five minutes.

- I want my mummy.
- It's okay.

It's okay. He was a
nasty man, wasn't he?

Yeah, thanks for nothing.
He's not having it.

I mean, that's £75 a minute.

That's what bankers pay
to go to real dungeons

and have people actually torture 'em.

- I'm hungry.
- Are you, mate?

I think there was a fish
and chip place over there.

No, I've hidden a clue
at Borough Market.

It's got food from all over the world.

Yeah, yeah. 'Cause kids much prefer

Ethiopian street food to fish and chips.

Come here.

Come on. They're starving. Let's
just go down there and have a look.

You all right? Want me to carry you?

Do you want to carry... Yeah, let's
not forget this little bag here.

It's just about priorities really.

- If I work hard, it's for us.
- We have enough. You work for you.

I would just like to have
something to show for my life.

- You have two children.
- Everyone has children.

Not everyone's a company
director aged 38.

Okay. Wow.

You know what? Most men
do much less than me.

- Sean doesn't do pickups or drop-offs.
- Yeah, I'm very lucky.

Look, just could be worse,
that's all I'm saying.

- Chris, Omar and Jason...
- Very lucky girl.

Jason, he works way more
antisocial hours than me,

doesn't earn a third as much.

Oh. Okay.

Okay. That's quite annoying.

- You're gonna hurt yourselves.
- All right. Okay. Thank you.

Excuse me. Hi. Hello. Can
we have some menus, please?

And we're not tourists,

so if we can have the
ones with the real prices,

- that'd be great. Thank you.
- Yeah, sure.

- Okay. Yeah. Listen, that's annoying.
- So cute.

Yes, sometimes. Cute
little monsters more like.

That's enough of that. Thank you.

This is Chloe and this is Sam.

- Hi.
- Say hello.

I wish you wouldn't speak
to the waiters all the time.

- That means you have to leave a tip.
- Don't be so tight.

That was a £9 conversation you just had.

Whoa! Careful! Sorry.

Come on.

- Was that...
- Wow.

- Dude, don't spit everywhere.
- Hey, mate. Please.

That's naughty, mate. All right?

What? Why are you crying?

I mean, literally nothing has happened.

Come on. Come on. Don't cry. Come on.

A time she has overcome adversity...

Well, I mean... That's...

I mean, that's the great
thing about Nikki, isn't it?

You know, she finds
everything difficult.

Which is a good thing, you know,
because she just keeps on going.

That's people, though, isn't
it? You know, some people.

I mean, stressed all the time.

I don't do that. Stress is a toxin.

Body can't process it. It
is the lactose of the mind.

Babe, she doesn't get stressed.

She had that big panic
attack in Whole Foods.

Well... there was a lot going on.

Work was a nightmare.

She was growing out this pixie
cut. It was a difficult time.

And it wasn't that big.

Bit of hyperventilating.

It's quite a good place
for it, actually, innit?

You know, 'cause all their
bags are made of paper.

- Let's sit down now, guys.
- Guys, come on.

- Let's sit down.
- Please, sit down.

I think we should probably just go.

Look! There's some chocolate cake!

Look, there's some chocolate cake.
Why don't we all sit down?

Yeah. Sit down and we can have
some nice, lovely chocolate cake.

- Chocolate cake? It's full of sugar.
- Have you got any better ideas?

They hardly touched their dinner.

Look. It's got caramel in the middle.

Yeah, well, it's £6.50. So, unless
there's £4.50 in the middle...

I'd really like us not to
fall into these patterns.

What patterns?

Me having to battle every
time I want to treat them.

A treat's not a treat if
it's all the time, is it?

- I'm not depriving our kids, Jason.
- What do you mean, deprive?

They're not deprived.
Kids in Syria are deprived.

I'd like to buy chocolate
cake for everyone in Syria,

but that's just not practical, is it?

Hello. Could I just have a couple
of chocolate cakes, please?

Hiya. Could we box those
up to go, as well, please?

Eighteen quid. She's off again.

No. Come on, Chloe.
No, no. Oh, don't do...

Yeah, well, she has a developmental
disorder actually, so...

- Oh. God, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah. Well.

Come on. Come on. Let's
sit down. Good girl.

- Does she?
- No. But I will not have her judged.

She's just a very strong woman.

You wouldn't mess with her.

And bright as a button.

What's that word you used?

- Infectious.
- "Infectious".

She's infectious.

You couldn't have picked
a better match for Jason.

Yeah. We were sorry to see Jane go.

But these things happen, and
he's with Nikki now, so...

- And we love Nikki.
- Yeah.

Yes.

Oh, and, uh, uh, we won't need this one.

We don't have an ethnicity.

Lovely. Oh, look.
Band's broken up again.

Come on, guys! Keep up, hey!

Sort of thought they'd be
more into the treasure hunt.

Tracking down the clues,
working stuff out.

That sounds like '80s kids.

What was the... What is the treasure?

It's a really great empowering message.

Oh, they'll love that. Yeah.

And a bag of sweets.

Look, why don't we call
it and get 'em home, hey?

- I mean, they're knackered.
- No, Jase. Really?

So, that was our special day?

Listen, you've gone
about taping packages

to five London landmarks. All right?

So just be grateful
you haven't been shot.

All right?

- I just want to do one more thing.
- Like what?

I don't know. Just
something really amazing.

Oh, no. Come on. They'll love it.

- Do you wanna go on the London Eye?
- Yeah!

Yeah? See? See?

'Course they're gonna.
They say yes to everything.

Come on.

Thank you.

- Get a seat. Get a seat.
- Sit down there. Good boy.

Good girl.

- Oh, wow. This is exciting.
- This is exciting, innit? Yeah.

Oh, wow. This is amazing!

Look how high we're going.

Oh, look, there's Buckingham Palace.

We were there earlier.

And that's the Houses of Parliament.

It's where people make
decisions about the country.

Well, sometimes.

And that big round building there is...

I always get those confused.

Oh, is that... Yeah,
you're probably right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that is it.

What's that big round building there?

St. Paul's.

They would've loved this.

- We are gonna go and wake them up, right?
- God, yeah.

- Come on. You're missing all the fun.
- Come have a look. Come on.

- Should I show you where we were before?
- Big Ben!

So we dated for three years,
and then he broke up with me,

then got together with Nikki.

In that order.

It was just one of those classic
six-year rebound flings...

where you end up adopting kids.

But I don't really know Nikki.

Just online stuff.

But she seems nice.

Kind of Etsy. Not my thing.

Not every jumper needs to have a
Fox on it. Do you know what I mean?

But, um, I'm sure she's great.

And he seems happy.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Fine.

Spend all day wanting them to be quiet,

then when they are, you
immediately miss them.

Yeah, I know.
Self-preservation this, mate.

They fall asleep three minutes

before you lose patience
and abandon them,

and then they look so sweet and adorable

that you forget how
unbearable they were.

Then it happens the next
day, then 7,000 more times,

and then you drive them to university.

- Sounds fun.
- Yeah, sounds great.

Hi. Oh. Um...

Well, come in. Come on in.

There were only two children,
weren't there? I can't...

- Yeah.
- Oh.

- So, um, how long have they been asleep?
- Oh, not long.

About 45. Hmm...

- Four to five minutes.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- About five minutes.

Okay. Sweetheart.
Uh, wake up, sweetheart.

How was the spa?

Well, it was 300 quid, and it
smelled like a dentist's, so...

- Lovely.
- Sweetheart, wake up.

- Time to wake up, darling.
- Here you go.

Oh, no, you're okay, mate. Rush.

Mate, I know my kids. Have a beer.

Lovely. Thanks.

- Is that a good book?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- What's the matter?
- Nothing. I'm reading my book.

It's not the end of the world
if it wasn't the perfect day.

- Yeah. No, I know.
- You know, I...

I just think maybe you tried a
little bit too hard, that's all.

Yeah.

Or maybe you weren't trying hard enough.

We need to learn to bond with children.

If we couldn't bond with them, then...

But we're never gonna bond with them

in the way that we will
with ours, are we?

- Why?
- Because they're not our kids.

They're someone else's kids
who miss their mum and dad.

Yeah. Jason, that is exactly
who our kids are gonna be.

Someone else's kids who
miss their mum and dad.

And it's gonna be a lot
harder than today was.

They might not even like us.
They might not even talk to us.

And we're gonna have
to deal with all of that,

whether we like it or not.

And so you know, I am
gonna be trying hard.

I am gonna be trying really hard
because we're gonna have to.

And I cannot have you
standing behind me,

tutting and rolling your eyes.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

Your mum is gonna be
doing enough of that.

Ice cream! I want my ice cream!

Penguin wants ice cream! Ah!

- How long have you been there for?
- About an hour.

Mm.

Nikki?