All language subtitles for Tin.Cup.1996.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

I met her in a border town j

j we proceeded to get down j

I she turned me on j;

j I dropped the telephone j

j moonlight
hits the rio grande j

j and the touch of her hand j

j it makes me high j

j like the fourth of July j

j a bad bandito came into town j

j man, I'm gonna hunt
that gringo down j

j but these words
keep ringin'in my ears j

j little bit
is better than nada j

j sometime you want
the whole enchilada j

j little bit
is better than nada j

j a little bit
or nothin' at all j

J said Cancun
was not her style j

j turistas there,
they drove her wild &

j the border"s the place j

j put on a brand-new face j

j me and the boys
were just in town j

j shake 'em up
and roll 'em down j

j I guess it was fate j

j I hope I wasn't too late j

j bad, bad boys
was on our trail I

j federales want us
all in jail &

j but these words keep
ringin'in my ears j

j little bit
is better than nada j

j sometime you want
the whole enchilada j

j little bit
is better than nada j

j a little bit
or nothin' at all j

Oh, man.

Hey, you derelicts,
you know what time it is?

Yeah. What's up?

It is bug betting time,
all right?

First bug to get
fried wins $2.00.

I got this green one
right there.

All right, Earl, you gotta actually
let go of the money

in order for it to be a bet.

All right, come to daddy.

All right. Round
and round she goes.

Where she stops, nobody...

Number 2!

Aah! Winner, winner,
chicken dinner!

J a little bit
is better than nada j

j sometime you want
the whole enchilada j

any of you shitheels
ever get bored?

Huh?

You ever get bored?

I got a riddle.

You got a riddle?

Takes about two ounces of brains
to figure it out.

Anybody think they got a brain

with two ounces of brains in it?

There's a rumor Earl does.

Well, for Christ's sakes,
boys, come on,

a little self-confidence
from the players' gallery, all right?

We ain't talking long division.

How much we got to lose?

You want to liven
things up, Earl?

That's a hell of an idea.

So everyone puts in 20 bucks.

Pot goes to whoever
solves the riddle.

You're gonna get
the riddle, tin cup.

Dewey, I'm the one
asking the riddle.

I already know the answer, okay?

I don't... I don't get a guess.

All right.

Although we could say
if I get to 500 bounces

on the old wedge here

and no one gets the riddle,

I get the pot.

Now, I know
what you're thinking.

You're thinking it's
an impossible riddle.

Well, it's not.
It's a easy riddle.

And if somehow,
by the grace of fluke luck,

I win, and y'all don't
agree that it was a easy riddle,

well, then, hell, uh,

I'll refund your money.

I'm in!

- All right! All right!
- Money in the bank.

I'll hold the money.
Come on. Give it up.

Now, a man's driving
down the road with his son,

and he gets in a crash.

Two ambulances come

and take the man and his son
to different hospitals.

Okay? Different hospitals.

Son goes into the operating
room, all right?

The doctor looks at him, says,

"I can't operate on this boy.

He's my son.”

Now, how is that possible, hmm?

How is that possible?

Clock's ticking, fellas.

The father's still
over at the other hospital.

I mean, he didn't
sneak back in, right?

This ain't Star Trek, Earl.

Nobody beamed him aboard.

All right. What about if, uh,
if the father married the son's daughter?

This is a family riddle, Earl.

You got... you gotta think
clean thoughts.

Hey, give us a little hint.

You want a hint, Clint?

Little hint.

All right.

The doctor's a woman.

The doctor's a woman.

See, the doctor's
the son's mother.

Feminists posed the riddle

to reveal how deeply our
sexual stereotypes run.

L, uh, take it
you're a feminist.

Ma'am, I've been called
a lot of things before,

- never been saddled with that one.
- Ah.

Smell of leather,
sting of a whip.

- Ooh!
- Mercy.

Well, I'm just
a humble golf pro.

Could I help you?

You're Roy mcavoy, the golf pro?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, well, I-l pictured
something, uh, different.

I have a 7:00 lesson.

I thought I had a Dr. griswold.

Uh-huh...

That's me.

Okay.

First thing you gotta learn
about this game, doc,

is it ain't about hitting
some little white ball

in some yonder hole.

It's about inner demons:

Self-doubt, human frailty,

and overcoming all that crap.

Oh, yeah.

So what kind of doctor
did you say you were?

I'm a psychologist.

In layman's terms call me

Neo-jungian, postmodern,
freudian, holistic, secularist.

Okay.

I mean, inner demons
and human frailty,

well, that's my life's work.

I used to practice in El Paso,

but I moved here now.

What is all this stuff?

Oh, I ordered all this
from the golf channel.

It's a... it's a waste of money.

Well, no, I'm... look, I'm sure

that there are some excesses
and repetitions here,

but I believe in
the gathering of knowledge,

and I thought, you know,
there must be some truth

to the golf swing illustrated
by some of these devices,

and that you would just
kind of help me, you know,

sort through it all.

I have dozens of golf
videotapes, too.

I'll bet she's got a golf watch.

You got a golf watch?

Yeah. I-l think I got
a pretty good one.

Right there.

Well, take it off.

- Take it off?
- All of it, right now.

Just... all of it now.

You're a smart woman,
for Christ's sakes, right?

Jeez.

Don't you know
the work of hustlers when you see it?

Well, no.

I mean,

I can always tell when
someone's lying to himself, okay?

But I'm quite susceptible
and frequently wrong

when that person lies to me.

I mean, Christ, this stuff
cost me over $200.

Well, it's uh, $200 of shit.

Well, that's just great.

Why don't we do this
the old-fashioned way?

Just go take a swing.

All right.

Okay.

Come on.

Excuse me.

= oh!

Fuck.

Well, you talk like a golfer.

That's a pretty girl
to have such an ugly swing.

= oh! God!

Oh, that hurt.

Shit!

Fuck. Shit.

Those are highly
technical golf terms.

You're using them on
your very first lesson.

This is promising.

Right.

Okay, wise-ass.

Show me. Just go ahead.

Something like that.

That's impressive.

You know, look, I tend
to process things verbally,

so do you think you
could break down into words

how you just did that?

You mean, what is the...
What is the golf swing, by Roy mcavoy?

Well, I tend to think
of the golf swing as a poem.

Oh, he's doing that
poetry thing again.

Critical opening phrase
of this poem will always be the grip,

which the hands unite
to form a single unit

by the simple overlap of the...

Little finger.

Right.

Lowly and slowly...

The club head is led back,
pulled into position,

not by the hands,
but by the body,

which turns away
from the target,

shifting weight
to the right side

without shifting balance.

Tempo is everything,
perfection unattainable.

As the body coils now
to the top of the swing,

there's a slight hesitation,

a little nod to the gods,

uh, a nod to the gods?

Yeah.

To the gods.

That he is fallible.

That perfection is unattainable,

and now the weight begins shifting
back to the left,

pulled by the powers
inside the earth.

It's alive, this swing,
a living sculpture,

and down through
contact, always down,

striking the ball crisply...

With character.

A tuning fork goes off
in your heart,

your balls.

Such a pure feeling
is the well-struck golf shot.

And then
the follow-through to finish,

always on line.

The reverse "c"
of the golden bear.

The steelworker's power
and brawn of Carl sandburg's...

= Arnold Palmer!

Oh, he's doing
that Arnold Palmer thing.

And the unfinished
symphony of Roy mcavoy.

Um...

What? What's unfinished?

Well, I have
a short follow-through, it...

Has a unfinished look.

Why?

Well, some say it's because
that's the easiest way

to play through
the winds of west Texas, and...

Some say it's because
I've never finished anything in my life.

You can decide, but the point is

every finishing position
is unique.

Huh.

That's what the golf
swing's all about.

It's about gaining
control of your life

and letting go at the same time.

Jeez, Louise.

There's only one other
acceptable theory

about how to hit a golf ball.

Oh, boy. Well,
I'm afraid to ask.

Well, what is it?
What's the other theory?

Grip it and rip it.

Well, you know, um...

While I do appreciate
your poetic sensibility, Mr. mcavoy.

Call me Roy, Molly.

Well, call me Dr. griswold,
Roy, but at this point,

I really think I'm more
of the grip-it-and-rip-it school.

Well, then, let's tee it up.

All right, waggle.

Waggle.

No, no.

He's got her waggling now.

- Oh, lord.
- Waggle the clubhead.

Okay? = ah.

It's a little relaxing ritual we do,

- mm-hmm.
- Okay?

- Okay.
- Just waggle it.

Waggle it and let
the big dog eat.

What big dog?

The driver, the number one wood.

Well, this is metal.

Yeah. Well, woods are metal.
Don't worry about it.

And the... the driver's
known as the big dog.

I'm just saying,
"let him loose. Let 'er rip.

Let the big dog eat.”

Okay.

Okay.

Oh!

Oh.

You know, this is without a doubt
the stupidest, silliest,

most idiotic grotesquery
masquerading as a game

that has ever been invented...

- Ever.
- Yes, ma'am,

and that's why I love it.

Now, you hit
one good shot, okay?

One, and that tuning fork
rings in your loins...

You can't wait to get back.

Try it again.

=- mim-hmm.

Well, I think the big dog just
ate something there.

Mm-hmm.

Did that tuning fork
ring in your loins?

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

Well, I always say
quit on a good shot.

We'll call that
lesson humber one?

Well, oh, okay.

And, um...

If you wouldn't mind
paying me in cash?

There's a little situation
I'm dealing with with the IRS, okay?

Mm-hmm.

With those guys, I gotta Bob and
weave around the facts of life,

if you know what I mean.

Yeah. Look, can I
ask you a question?

If you're such a legendary striker
of the golf ball,

as everyone says,
then why are you, at your age,

out here in
the middle of nowhere

operating a barely solvent
establishment, ducking the IRS,

collecting
a few pathetic dollars

to buy your next six-pack

when you're capable
of so much more?

Jj

Perhaps I'm chock full
of inner demons.

- No.
- Hmm?

You're chock full of bullshit.

Anyway...

Same time next week?

Jj

W-what do you mean I should
try being saddled sometime?

Were you being literal, or was that
some freudian type of deal?

Molly?

Doctor?

What kind of saddle?

Jj

David Simms.

What the hell
you doing here, man?

Hey there, Romeo.

Been a while, hasn't it? = yeah.

Tin cup around?

Uh, no.

He's in, um, Houston
on, uh, business, so.

Anyway, I thought you were
supposed to be on the big pro golf tour.

Well, you tell tin cup
that I'm in town

for my big charity
best ball tournament.

And I got a spot for him

if he ever gets back from, uh...

Huh? Uh, Houston.

Yeah. Wherever.

Well, uh, I thought
you hated him, man.

Hell, I haven't even
thought about him in a dozen years.

Not since the good old days
at the university of Houston

when we won all them
titles together.

God almighty. =

well, he says he carried you
on his back all them years, man.

Well, I didn't have much
craft back then, Romeo,

just a little native ability.

Now, old Roy, he's
a helluva ball striker, isn't he?

What do you want, man?

I want to win my own
tournament, Romeo.

Bet you do.

Now, old Roy, he can help me

if we can manage to behave
like grownups together.

Yep. You never know, huh?

You tell him that.

- Yeah. I'll be sure to tell him.
- So what's the...

What's the catch, David?

Hello, cup.

There is no catch.

I put together this
little tournament, with a...

An elite field of players,

and a half-million dollar purse,

and, by god, I'm tired of seeing
the money head out of town.

Make more birdies.

Yeah. Well...

That's where you
come in, partner.

I need you on my team.

Well, I repeat.
Uh, what's the catch?

We're playing cottonwood,
where you once shot a 59.

Where you can still shoot
a 65 in your sleep.

Because you know every bump
on every fairway

and every subtle break
on every green.

Hot tub, Roy?

It's a spa.

You and me at cottonwood.

Kind of like the old days,
isn't it?

Yeah, well,
put 'er there, partner!

These two homeboys
are gonna show the world

what golf in west Texas
is all about.

Hell, I'll be a goddamn
birdie-making machine for you out there.

Oh, whoa. Whoa, wait
a minute there, Roy.

Hell, I didn't mean
I wanted you to play with me.

I want you to caddy for me.

You know, read the Greens,
club me, that kind of stuff.

Que te lleva la chingada,
cabron, que caddy con nadie.

Caddy?

Come on, Roy.

Hell, I can't bring a guy in
off the street

to play in my tournament.

I mean, for Christ's sake, guys,

this has become
a big-time event.

Hell, I got corporate sponsors,
30 bucks a ticket.

This guy off the street

can kick your ass
on the golf course anytime, man.

Just like he kicked your ass
in junior golf,

just like he kicked your ass
in university... no. Fuck it, man.

I'll give you 100 bucks
for the loop.

And five percent of
any earnings, Roy.

Get the hell out of here, man,

and take your pinche
color-coordinated,

corporate-sponsored chingada and

take a flying fuck on the rolling...
= Romeo.

I got it man.
Don't worry about it.

Well,

I was just trying
to offer you some work.

Yeah. Thank you very much.

David?

Yeah?

I'll take the job.

Yeah. We'll take the job.

I flat broke j

j and busted j

just don't seem fair j

the man in heaven j

j don't hear my prayer j

j and these dice are loaded j;

I but! Still can't win j

I flat broke and busted j

this looks like it
might be a little more

than you got
in the bag, partner.

I could make that.

J all crapped out a... j

shit.

J; Gain j

is he on?

He's on.

Pretty good shape, too.

I mean, my guy could do it.

I've seen him
do it lots of times,

and you have extra-large huevos.

Hit it!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Shit!

Fuck that!

I told you that was more
than you had in your bag.

Shit, I had to, partner.

I mean, your damn caddy
came by and told me

that he'd get on
the green from here.

I could.

I got to hand it to you, Roy.

For 15 holes,
you seemed to grasp the concept here.

See, I'm trying to
win this tournament,

and your job is to help me.

Give me the 7-iron.

I'm gonna lay up.

David, you can make that shot.

Hell, I can make
that shot, easy.

I know I can make
this goddamn shot,

but the smart play is to lay up.

These people didn't pay 30 bucks

to see a tour star lay up
on a short par five.

I'm sitting on a two-shot lead
with three to go.

Thanks to you,
my partner's in his pocket.

Suddenly, par's
a helluva number to me.

13 years on the tour,
you're still a pussy.

God damn it, David.
Just hit the fucking three.

Hit it.

13 years on the driving range,

you still think this game is about
your testosterone count.

Now, back up.

230 to carry and
the tour stars lay it up.

So Simms, from the rough,

that's a smart play.

Hey, David, you
in a hurry or what?

Why?

I got a pile of nickels
in the car

that your caddy can
knock it on from here.

"Come on, guys, we're...

Trying to win a tournament here.

Yeah. We are.
That's great, but I got five to one.

I think it's pretty good odds.

I think he can do it.

Come on. Let him hit it.
It's only an exhibition.

C'mon. Come on, Roy.
You can handle it.

I got a ball.

Right here.

Balls versus brains, Roy.

You hit that shot,
just keep walking

'cause your ass is fired.

How are you gonna fire me
in front of all these people,

especially when I
knock it on the green?

It looks like the caddy
wants to hit the shot.

Peter kostis, what's
going on down there?

Boys, I think things have
officially changed here now.

Forget the two-shot lead.
Forget three holes to go.

Hey, Roy, you need a glove.

It'll help.

There's a little side
action going on down there.

And, uh, the $250,000 purse
has just gotten a little bit bigger.

Gary, Gary, you obviously
don't think this guy

can pull this shot off?

I'll tell you what.
I don't think there's any chance.

Let me give you
a little background here.

This impending disaster's
a driving-range pro.

His name is Roy mcavoy.

The locals around here tell
me he was a pretty good college player.

He hung around
the mini-tours for a while.

Well, he's gonna have to have
been a helluva college player

to pull this shot off.

He's got 240 yards.

He's got a national
television audience.

He's got a big gallery here,

and he hasn't hit
a golf ball yet.

Announcer well, this is something
we don't see every day:

National television
with no warmup.

How do you like those odds, Bob?

I don't know who this guy is,

but if this guy even
gets it out of there, I'd be surprised.

A tour pro I'd give ten to one.

Dollar bills.

Oh!

Jj

Oh, he's got that good.

Announcer do you believe this?

Unbelievable.

What a caddy.

You. Yeah. You.
Come here. Come here.

Can you carry that bag? = yeah.

- Pick it up.
- Yes, sir.

Nice shot, Roy. Though shot.
= thanks.

Come here. Come here a second.

Take a hike. The loop's over.

You can't fire me.

- Hey, David, come on, man.
- How can you fire me?

I... hey, I just knocked it
stiff from 250.

- Come on.
- Come on, David.

He's always been a jerk.

What about my money?

You just hit the shot that
took you out of the money, bud.

Welcome to life on the tour.

Jj

Hey! Hey, whoa!

Announcer tonight, the sports machine
brings you a bizarre incident

at the charity golf event
of tour star David Simms.

Let's go to west Texas,

well, driving-range pro
tin cup mcavoy,

serving as a caddy
fo David Simms

at the celebrity event...

He grabbed a 3-wood
out of his own bag

and drilled a 240-yard shot

over water to the 16th green...

If I had it all to do over,

I'd still hit that shot.

Yeah. I know.

Man, you'd bury yourself alive

just to prove you
could handle the shovel.

You know why I'd
still hit that shot?

Yeah.

'Cause it's the only way
you could beat Dave Simms.

No.

'Cause you get
that look in your face.

I'd hit it again because that shot
was a defining moment,

and when a defining
moment comes along,

you define the moment,

or the moment defines you.

I did not shrink
from the challenge.

I Rose to it.

1981, fort Washington golf club,
Fresno, California.

Ring a bell?

The final round
of the tour qualifying school?

I was playing to win.

Tried to hit that same
impossible cut 3-wood into the wind

from a hilly lie.

I was playing to win.

Five in a row out of bounds

till you finally pulled it off

and tapped it in
for a crowd-pleasing 13

when a 12 would have
got you on the tour.

And the definition was "shit."

Greatness courts failure, Romeo.

You may be right, boss,
but you know what?

Sometimes par
is good enough to win.

We owe her $12,000.

No. I owe her $12,000,
all right? 1 owe her.

Okay, fine. You owe her $12,000.
Like it makes a difference.

It makes a difference.

Look, boss, I only got one rule,

and that's never bet money
that you don't have on a dog race

with an ex-girlfriend
who happens to be a stripper.

Now you broke that rule, and you're gonna
have to be sweet to her, homes.

Look, you gotta tell her something
nice to start off with.

You know, kind of like an ice breaker.
How hard can it be?

Look, I'll say one thing nice.

If it don't come out right,
then you say it better.

Hey, tin cup.
Doreen's looking for you.

Yeah, I'll bet she is.

J oh, baby,
you look so good to me j

hey, tin cup.

Haven't seen you for three days.

I'm a busy man.

Hey, tin cup.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi, honey.

That better be you, Roy.

Just be nice, okay?

Doreen.

You're looking
particularly lovely this evening.

Uh, yeah, that's even nicer
than the leopard suit, the...

Cut the horseshit, guys.

You owe me $12,000.

And we're... and we're gonna pay it.
Don't worry about that.

Oh, I know you're gonna pay me.

12 smackeroos. Where is it?

There.

What is this?

With equity and inventory,
it's worth 12 grand,

more or less.

This is how you think
you're gonna settle up?

By giving me the deed
to your driving range.

Only on the condition
that you don't sell right away,

and me and Romeo keep our jobs.

What in the world would I want with
your stupid driving range?

Equity, inventory, cash flow,

not to mention an enhanced stature
in the community,

plus a prepaid membership in
salome chamber of commerce.

What are your labor costs?

Everybody gets what they're get...

But the tractor kid
gets five bucks an hour.

And Romeo gets 10, cash.

What do you pay yourself?

Myself?

You know, to stand around
all day and hit those little golf balls,

when you're not breaking
for beers or corn dogs

or to gather the guys up
and lay bets

on which crow's gonna
fly off the fence next.

Are you referring to
my managerial salary?

I am referring to every red nickel
that you take from the till

and every bag of beer nuts
that you lift from the rack.

That is what I'm referring to.

He'll take the deal.
He'll take the deal.

What is the deal?

Okay, let's just say
the driving range is worth 10,000.

You still owe me 2.

J maybe tomorrow j

j I'll see some light j

j and I'll know the difference j

j between wrong and right »

j my ship is out there j

j no, but it can't come in j

I flat broke and busted j

j crapped out again j

she's been here a while.

Am I early?

Mr. mcavoy, I can appreciate

that you have a fairly laid-back,
relaxed lifestyle,

but I have hours to keep.

All right. A former paramour
once ascribed my fluid sense of time

to being born under
the sign of pisces.

Something about... floating
through the universe.

Oh. You amuse me, Roy,

but I'm the only woman
in America born after world war il

who thinks astrology's
a crock of shit.

Now let's see if
the big dog'll eat.

Waggle.

I'm waggling.

Set up to the ball
like I showed you last time.

I am setting up to the ball.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on, hold on.

Yeah.

Quit trying to wring
the club's neck, Molly.

All right?

Show a little warmth,
a little compassion.

Remember, this game's
about trust and touch...

And lettin' go,

so while I subtly enhance
your technical prospects,

why don't you tell me all about
your personal life?

That's none of
your business, Roy.

Your boyfriend's a golfer.
That's my bet.

And he's the reason
you're taking this game up. Hmm?

Hell, I probably even know him.

Get your hands off her ass, Roy.

Hi, honey.

Hi, darlin'.

He's taking her to Miami

for the fucking doral.

How am I supposed to
compete with that?

Man, you are having
a bad week, aren't you?

Man, she must think
I'm such a nothing, such a loser.

A lousy driving-range pro
living in a winnebago.

She don't know
you live in a winnebago.

Well, she sure as hell
knows I ain't taking her to no doral

for massages and mimosas
all weekend.

Hmm? =

oh, god. I didn't leave it out.

Well, I didn't.

Gotta do something with my life.

You just threw that in the spa.

Gotta rise to a level
worthy of the women who think I'm a joke.

Well, you could go out
and win the us open.

That would impress her.

What?

Win the open, man.

She'll think,
"oh, you're wonderful, Roy."

Romeo, that idea has promise.

Are we talking about the same
golf tournament, huh?

The us open, the biggest golf
tournament in the world.

Not just the biggest golf
tournament in the world,

the most Democratic
golf tournament in the world.

What do you mean?

- Well, I mean it's open.
- So0?

It's open. Anybody with a two handicap
or better has got a shot at it.

You just gotta get through
a local and sectional qualifier,

and unlike doral or colonial or at&t,
they can't keep you out.

They can't ask you if you're
a-a garbage man or a bean picker

or a driving-range pro
whose check's signed by a stripper.

You qualify, you're in.

Yeah, you don't got the game, man.

I got every shot in the book.

I'm talking about the game.

The mental game, you know,
la cabeza. You don't got it.

Well, since you're
the authority,

how'd you like to teach me
what I ain't and never will be?

What... what for, man?

You never listen to me. Never.

Well, this time
will be different,

- yeah, right.
- I promise.

You don't even have the money to get
your golf clubs out of hock,

and you're gonna win
the us open.

That don't fit, man.

Don't force it if it don't f...

Ahh, is that what
those things were?

- Flowers?
- Flowers.

Let me get this straight.

You're gonna play me
for $400 with those?

Yeah, and I'll give you
2 strokes a side.

You ain't got no 400 bucks.

I-I got the title of
my car for collateral.

I ain't interested
in that piece of shit.

That's 'cause you think of it as
transportation, Boone.

Think of it as bragging rights.

Think of yourself
sitting around the bar

crowing to your cronies
about the Cadillac you won from me.

They'll...

They'll forget all about
the winnebago you lost to me.

I'll call the ins on you,
you little midget.

I'll be playing
a pink lady today.

Is that little pink fag ball
supposed to intimidate me?

Well, not unless
I knock it by you.

Louisville slugger, please.

J I'm drivin' down the highway,
headed to the range j

j gonna knock 'em out strong j

oh!

J got an old brown bag j

I believe you're away.

Don't worry about it, Julio.

I thought I caught that thing
way the hell on the toe.

J there's a place for you
if you're just like me j

- whoo!
- You drive for show,

and you putt for dough,
big mouth.

You hear that, Romeo?
Boone was being profound.

Let's see,
little wind left to right.

I highly recommend the shovel.

Yeah, that's what
I was thinking.

J well, there's a place for
you if you're just like me j

all right, I want
to see a legitimate swing.

No scooping.

J I'm notrich,
and I'm not on TV j

j have another cool one,
but it won't hurt j;

j got myself a big stick
swingin'in the dirt j

I'll finish.

J got myself a big stick
swingin'in the dirt j

get the hell off my golf course.

Uh, need a receipt?

You know what I think, grasshopper?

She's got you by the huevos.

Listen, swami, your job's to teach
me Patience and humility,

all right, not advise me
on my love life.

Not all my thinking
occurs below the belt.

I mean, I actually
stand for a few things

besides where my next
romantic interlude's coming from.

Well, then great.

You won't have any trouble
telling the doctor lady

you can't teach her no more
until after the open.

Well, now that would make
an issue

of something that's
not a issue, now wouldn't it?

Yeah, right.

I am!

This is my quest!

This is where I stand up
for all the little guys everywhere

who've had their fill
of soulless robots like David Simms.

Well, David Simms
may be a soulless robot,

but he's a rich,
happy soulless robot

with a beautiful
doctor lady girlfriend.

Besides, how's
getting in the open

gonna change
what she thinks about you?

Well, it'll show her
I'm not who she thinks I am.

But you are who
she thinks you are, man.

No, Roy, I will not give you
time off to go win the open.

I don't care
if it is your quest.

How about my destiny?

Or your destiny.

Or any other term

you vaguely remember
from your cliff notes.

That's the most stupid
thing I've ever seen in my life.

Don't get mean, all right?
First you get mean, then you get petty.

You should have been a little nicer to me
when we were an item,

and maybe I wouldn't be
such a nasty boss.

Yeah. Roy, I've got a business
to run. Bye-bye, bon voyage.

You know what, Becky, Becky,
Becky, come here, sweetheart.

Right now, hurry up.
We don't have a lot of time.

Now, you're doing a natural thing,
and it's really sweet,

but you know what?
We don't do natural here.

We do big and bold. Colorful.

Hair, lots of it, many colors.

Look at me.
That's what we do, okay?

Well, if you're gonna
take that tone,

then we'll just have to
talk another day.

I'm sorry, uh,
I have things to do,

and I don't really need
to be treated like that,

so good-bye.

You know, it wouldn't
kill you just once

to tell her something
like that she's beautiful

or that she can dance, or

she's sexy as hell.

Here I am, ready to...

Charge forth in pursuit
of my mythic destiny,

I can't even get
time off work to do it.

Well, uh, I'm no expert here,

but it seems to me
that the pursuit of a mythic destiny

isn't something you need to get off
a $7-an-hour job in order to do.

I'm stuck, man. I'm buried.

I need help.

I need advice, I need counseling.
I need a...

I need a shrink.

You don't know no shrinks.

I know one.

No, no, no, no.
Not the doctor lady.

Why not?

You can't ask advice
about the woman you're trying to hose

from the woman you're
trying to hose.

Why not?

Jj

Sue Ann. Sue Ann, honey.

I didn't... I didn't
say shit to her.

Roy, oh!

Okay, Roy, get in
the other room, please.

Sue Ann, honey, it's okay. Okay.

Hey, look, she was crying
when she came out there, all right?

Okay, okay, Roy. Roy!
That is a patient exit room.

Well, I knew it was
some kind of room.

It wasn't painted.
There was no magazines out there.

Roy, why are you here?

Therapy.

You've come for therapy?

Okay, look, Roy,

you know, you really need
to make an appointment,

because I have a client
in a half an hour.

That's enough time, 30 minutes.
Hell, I'm not that fucked up.

Okay, Roy, you know what?
Why Don"t...

Why don't you just have a seat
right there?

Right over there.

Okay.

Okay, so how do I do it?

Therapy, I mean...

I mean, w-how do I
start doing it?

Okay, Roy, well,

in parlance
you might understand,

just kick back
and let the big dog eat.

Suppose there's this guy,

and he's standing
on the shore of a big, wide river,

and the river's full of
all manner of disaster, you know?

Piranhas, alligators,
Eddies, currents, shit like that.

Nobody'll even go
down there to dip a toe,

and on the other
side of the river is a million bucks,

and on this side of
the river is a rowboat.

Mm-hmm.

I guess my question is this.

What would possess a guy
standing on shore to swim for it?

He's an idiot.

No, see, he's a helluva swimmer.

See his... his problem is more like

why does he always
have to rise to the challenge?

He's a juvenile idiot.

You don't understand
what I mean by the river.

Roy.

We're talking about you

and what you like to call
your inner demons,

that human frailty
you like to blather about.

Not some mythopoetic
metaphor you come up with

in a feeble and transparent effort
to do yourself credit.

You mean you're gonna
make me feel lousy?

No.

I came here to feel better.

- I mean, what kind of therapy is this?
- Roy. Roy, Roy, Roy.

You don't have any inner demons.

What you have is inner crap-ola,

inner debris, garbage,

loose wires, a few.

Horseshit in staggering amounts.

Look, I'm not some just
jerk driving-range pro

who drinks too much booze,
eats too few vegetables, okay?

Roy, could you please
sit down, okay?

'Cause... 'Cause you're getting defensive,

and I want you to just cut
to the chase and tell me why you're here.

Woman.

Oh, a woman.

Have you asked her out?

No. She's seeing a guy.
I don't know how serious it is.

But the guy's
a real horse's ass if you ask me.

Maybe if you shared your heart
with this woman,

you know,
took her out to dinner,

then it would... it would force these
issues out to the open.

Well, I'm afraid she'll say no.

So what you're saying is that

all your speeches about swimming across
shark-infested waters

are really about your golf game,
not about your personal life.

Oh, jeez.

So good, we're getting
a little close to the truth.

Well, Christ, I didn't know
we were gonna get into my personal life.

Well, this is therapy, Roy.

Well, I know, but I didn't...

I didn't think it was
that kind of therapy.

Well, okay, let's
make this simple.

Roy, please, here,
sit down right here.

You know those risks that
you love to take on the golf course?

The ones that you talk
so passionately and poetically about.

Well, you need to apply
those same risks

to your personal life
with the same passion.

You mean I should
just ask her out?

Yes.

And risk coming right
over the top, snap,

hooking it out of bounds left.

Absolutely, Roy.

Hittin' it a little thin.

- Okay, Roy. That's good.
- I'm sorry.

Now look, all you have to do is walk up
to this... this woman, wherever she is,

look her in the eye...
Look at me, Roy.

Just look her in the eyes.

That's right,
let down your guard

and don't try to be cool
or smooth or whatever.

Just be honest and take a risk.

And then you know what? Whatever
happens, if you act from the heart,

you can't make a mistake.

Dr. griswold.

Yes?

I think I'm in love with you.

- What?
- From the moment I first saw you,

I knew I was through with bar girls
and strippers and motorcycle chicks,

and when you first started talking,
I was smitten with you,

and I'm... smitten with you
more every day I think about you,

and the fact that you know
I'm full of crap-ola

only makes you even
more attractive to me.

Usually I can bullshit people,
but I can't bullshit you,

and in addition,
you got... you got great legs,

and most women,
I'm thinking about

how to get in their pants from day one,
but with you I'm just...

I'm just thinking about
how to get in your heart, and...

Roy, uh...

- Stunned, huh?
- Yeah.

So, uh, so what about dinner?

And, uh, we can talk about us
and if we have a future

and how to drop that
horse's-ass boyfriend of yours.

Roy, just slow down, okay?

What? I just hit a 8-degree
driver off the carpet.

I mean, I'm staring
eagle in the face.

Okay, will you just cut
the golf talk, please?

Because this is a mistake.

Well, I'm acting from the heart.

How can that be a mistake?

Right?

Wrong, Roy, I mean...

Shit. I didn't know
you were talking about me, Roy.

Well, would your advice
have been different?

Uh, ha. Roy...

You know, this session is over.

I have someone coming soon.

I think you better leave.

I take it your answer is no.

Well, our relationship is,
and will remain, strictly professional.

That's it?

Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna qualify for the us open
and kick your boyfriend's ass.

And whatever you think of me,
you should know that your boyfriend,

he hates old people,
he hates children, and he hates dogs,

and that broad's out there crying still,
all right? In the exit room.

You're still in the exit room.

Oh...

Hello.

Um, Dr. kasseldorf,
you're there.

Wy-well, you always, uh,
you always said to call

if... if something came up
tha... that confused me,

and, uh, you know,
shrinks need shrinks,

but, uh, it happened.
I mean... l mean, you said it would.

Uh, a patient... a patient came in and
thinks that he's falling in love with me.

Well, I mean, he's not really a patient,
he's... he's my golf pro, but...

No. I know that
under the circumstance,

that I'm supposed to
recommend another therapist,

but there are no other
therapists in salome.

I mean, he'd have to drive
100 miles to midland or Odessa,

and I'm not sure you could
count on any help there.

Me? No, my self-esteem...
My self-esteem is fine.

My self-esteem is fine.

Well, he's a good-looking man.

Green eyes, I don't...
I mean, I don't know...

That's not the point, is it?

Well, he's, you know,
he's kind of cute. He's cute.

B-but I mean...

Okay.

Jj

Okay.

Okay.

Uh-huh.

J oh, I wish I could laugh

j when I look way back j

j find out who stole
all my dreams j

j oh, I wish it was easy j

I to face the fact j

j there was
nobody there but me j

J there was nobody there j

«j but me j

hello.

Hi.

You got a beautiful swing, Roy.

I'm a beautiful guy.

Look, Roy, I came here
to apologize, okay?

For what?

Well, you did exactly
what I said,

and I just poured cold water
over your efforts, okay?

I didn't get it.

I'm a, like, terrible
shrink probably.

Should've never
gotten out of real estate. Shit.

Actually, I should've never left Ohio
for that cowboy in amarillo, but...

Have you ever been to amarillo?

Cowboy?

Yeah. I mean,
it's not as romantic

when you're actually
with one, trust me.

I mean, so the oilman
in Dallas or Houston

orl don't know
where he was from.

Anyway, he just
looked great after that...

Oh, boy. So I... that's when
I went to the Gulf,

and I ended up in,
like, trailer sales,

and then all those condos
in corpus christi.

The bottom just...
Boom... fell right out of the market,

and I just... l needed a new gig.

A new gig?

Therapy. I mean,
I took all the classes.

I'm, you know,
legitimate, legal, certified.

Fuck. I'm certifiable.
I'm really sorry, okay?

Oh, boy.

Ray, do you mind
if I have a doughnut.

Thanks.

Okay, look.

I am really flattered
that you asked me out,

but, I mean, I can't accept
because I am involved with David, and

well, I haven't
seen any evidence

that he treats old people,
children, or dogs badly.

Look, I admit, and I'm sorry.

I guess I got a little carried away
with the David thing.

I just should have
laid up and made my par.

Okay, look, Roy, I j... I just want
to make a proposal, all right?

I mean, as long as you understand
that it's strictly professional,

and that, you know,
we're not going out together.

Tee it up.

Well, I think that I can help you
with the mental aspects of the game.

I mean, you have, um,
Romeo to be your swing doctor.

I could be your head doctor.

What, Roy?

Well, you just said yourself
you're a crummy shrink.

Well, I can improve, Roy.

Molly, I don't even have
the money to pay you.

- I'm broke.
- Roy, you don't need any money to pay me.

We'll trade services.

I mean, you know, I'll give you
my services for golf lessons, and...

And I can help you through
the qualifying, Roy,

and then if you make it
into the open, well...

I'm on my own.
You'll be with David.

Yeah.

Uh, I don't... I don't...
I don't really want this.

Okay.

J every minute j

third in the group,

playing out of salome, Texas,
Roy mcavoy.

J every day that passes by j

j fills my spirit j

I for a moment j

j that you're not on my mind j

j if you wonder j;

j when I think of you j

j well, just let me
put it this way j

j every minute j

Ben hogan. Now, who's he?

I find him mildly attractive

when he's obnoxious
and arrogant like this.

Well, good.

J every hour j

j every day j

these guys bugging you,
boss? I can shut 'em up.

The way I'm swinging today,

nothing bugs me except
insufficient applause.

Gimme the lumber.

Eh, I think you wanna hit
the 2-iron, boss.

I said I want the big dog.

You got a tight par-5 here, man,
with out of bounds on the left.

I don't think you wanna hit the driver.
The 2-iron seems like the deal.

Well, I'm not goin' left of those trees
or right of those trees. Okay?

I'm goin' over those trees...

With a little draw.

Yeah. = over the trees!

That way, I get home in 2.

That way, I'm puttin'
for eagle. Now...

You don't need a eagle
to qualify.

You need to practice
playin' it safe.

- No mistakes with the...
- Qualify? I want the course record.

Now give me the lumber.

You're not gonna
listen to me, are you?

Even when I'm tryin'
to help you, man.

After all these years, what,
do you think I'm full of shit?

I think I'm gonna get
penalized for slow play.

Now gimme the fuckin' driver.

You know, man,
you're a head case, you know?

You always have been,
and you always will be.

Well, let's ask the head doctor.

- Dr. griswold?
- What do I say?

Dr. griswold.

Yes?

Should I hit
the big dog or the 2?

Uh, soliciting shot selection advice
is a 2-stroke penalty.

Trust your feelings.

Ha! Now, gimme the driver
and shut up.

You want the driver? Fine.

Here.

Hit the driver, tin cup.

Well, I've changed my mind.
Give me the 3-wood.

You can't throw that dogleg
with a 3-wood, man.

You wanha bet?

Fine. Take the 3-wood.

Take it and show me

what a golf pro does, man.

Guess I'm goin' with
the safe shot, boys.

But, you know,
sometimes I fan that 2.

Ooo.

You better gimme the 3.

Is this normal behavior for him?

Well, the word "normal" and him

don't often collide
in the same sentence.

And sometimes
I catch that 3 a little thin, too.

Don't do this, Roy.
= and I've hit fliers with the 4.

Hit the damn ball, Roy.

Hmm? I've hooked my 5.
I've shanked the 6.

Skulled the 8. Fatted the 9.

Chili-dipped the wedge.

And I've bladed the sand.

Putter? = yeah.

There is old Mr. 3-wiggle,
isn't there?

Jj

But then there's the 7-iron.

I never miss with the 7-iron.

Jj

It's the only
truly safe club in my bag.

Well, the bag's lighter, Romeo.
You happy?

No, I'm not happy, man.

I'm tired...

And my life's too short
to sit there watch you blow up all the...

'Cause I done it too many times.

What, are you quittin'?

Huh. God... damn.

First sign of adversity,
and you're quittin'?

God. First time
you have a chance

to qualify for the open.

Jesus, what the hell
is wrong with you?

Anybody wanna bet me
I can't par in with a 7-iron? Huh?

Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Come on, anybody?

No, sir. No way.

Doc, take the bet.

Roy, just shut up
and hit the ball.

Jj

Okay.

You the man, cup.

J it's pride against money j

j love against pride j

j drivin' all the demons j

j that I been keepin' inside j

j I always
go for the long shot j

I I never hesitate j

j when I wave
to the four winds j

j I stick a finger at fate j

j it's just a character flaw j

j no matter what you saw,
it don't matter at all j

j it's just a character flaw j

j it ain't against the law,
it don't matter at all j

j it's just a character flaw j

thank you, boys.

You survived?

Whoo!

Cervezas?

Si, cervezas.

What do you think
my best shot was?

Was it the 7-iron on 12?

Pretty good one.

Or was it the 7-iron on 14?

That was tight.

That was better.

What about that
bunker shot on 18,

which, to my recollection,
was a 7-iron?

Yes, it was.

They all were good.

- You're definitely the man.
- Hoo.

Hey, doc. Doc.

Hmm?

How'd I do?

Well, you failed miserably, Roy.

W-what are you
talkin' about? I...

Did I not qualify
for the sectionals?

I believe I did,
with a 7-iron, I recall.

Look, your job
isn't just to qualify for the open.

It's to prepare for the open.

My job is to help you prepare.

Thank you.

Now, you said trust my feelings.
I did.

Well, I didn't know you felt
like breakin' all the clubs in your bag

and getting in a pissing contest
with your caddy,

who, incidentally, quit.

Well, he always quits.

He ought to be here, manana.

To the quitter.

To Rome.

Romeo. Romeo.

Yeah, the little quitter.

Nonetheless, nonetheless...

From the mental aspect,
which is my domain,

you've regressed, Roy...

Oh.

And are fumbling somewhere
between delusion and denial.

Regression. Delusion. Denial.

I mean, why you gotta use all
the psychological language for?

Havin' a bad day, Roy?

No.

Hi, honey.

Hi, darlin'.

Shot a 65.

Parred the backside
with a 7-iron.

Why?

Yeah, that's exactly right.
Now, see, that's the question. Why?

Because he broke
all of his other clubs.

Snapped 'em right in two.

Jesus, Roy.
=I didn't break 'em all. Romeo broke two.

Listen, I'm on your side here.
I mean, we go way back, partner,

and I really hope you
qualify for the open, but if you do...

You better play with
some kind of control, son,

or you'll get
slaughtered out there.

Hell, good players
shoot an 82 in the open.

You see, Roy, it means
you just can't always go for it.

I swear to god, doc,
this guy is not who you think he is.

Well, it's a well-known fact.
If a camera's not on him,

he treats old people
and children like dirt.

And dogs.

Jeez...

Yeah, don't forget dogs.

Okay. Okay, guys. You know what?
We better go, David.

Ugh, come on.

Yeah, I guess so.

Come on.

Hey, you ever shoot par
with a 7-iron?

Why, hell, Roy, it...

Never even occurred
to me to try.

Well, I bet you $1,000
against my car

that I can beat you
in any game...

Any game...
You name it, with a golf club.

Come on, Roy,
this is ridiculous.

What, are ya chicken?

What, are you gonna... gonna lay up
the way you did in the masters last year?

Ooh!

Any game, I name it?

- Oh, David, come on.
- Any game.

Oh, no, no, it's okay. I'm just
gonna teach old Roy here a little lesson.

Why do men insist on
measuring their dicks?

All right, let's measure.

- Fine. Let's measure.
- Oh, Roy, for god's sakes,

I wasn't being literal.

Oh, David, come on, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait, Molly,
I got this one.

We'll just call this part of
Roy's mental preparation for the us open,

where the rough is deep and the Greens
are slick and nerves are shattered.

I'll take the bet.

Oh, Jesus.

- Yes!
- Yes.

All right!

What's the... what's the game?

Your 7-iron, Roy.

One swing each,

whoever hits it the longest.

That's a lock.

I hit the 7-iron
like John daly hits the three.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Who'll take my beer? Curt?

Thank you.

Right here okay?

Fine with me.

You know, you guys
are really being childish.

Leave this one to me, darlin'.

I know what I'm doin', too.

You know what?
I'll see you both in the bar.

Bye.

Dollar bills.

Hey, them signs
are at least 30 yards further.

Hey, Earl, that ball
must've gone 220.

Nah, 227.

Toed her a bit, but it'll do.

Fine with me.

No, that's all right.
I don't need to.

Well, uh, take your jacket off.

No. No, I'm fine.

You're gonna have to muscle up,
big guy, to get it out there.

Gotta give it the old...
Steroid jerk.

Yeah.

What the hell's he doin'?

Jj

Hmm...

Shit, he hit it
down the fuckin' road, didn't he?

Still goin'.

Jj

Uh, you the man, Roy.
You the man.

Oh, yeah. You are
definitely the man.

So long, bucko.

The man needs a ride home.

Mm-mmm.

I always liked that car.

J it's early Sunday mornin'rl

j the sun is coming up j

I'm on the tee at 7:00 j

j I'm here to try my luck j

j they say this game's
a tough one j

j but I'll give it
my best shot... l

god, I wish Romeo were here.
I'm not cut out for this shit.

I'm an observer by nature.
I'm a spectator.

- Earl, shut up.
- Okay.

Gimme the big dog.

Big dog.

I thought that was
the fucking big dog.

J help me keep my head down j

j save me from those
double bogey blues

jj

J first, I pull out my driver

j I checked my stance and grip j

j I'm tryin' to remember

j every single nicklaus tip

j straighten
that left elbow... j

here, why don't you
let me carry it?

No.

J keep your head
behind the ball j

j and look out for those trees j

j oh, lord... j

You all right?

Aw, shit.

Here, give me the bag.

Nah.

- All right.
- Okay.

Dewey, take him in.

Jj

Come on, like a million others
you made in your life, Roy.

Just see it goin' in.

Just feel it.

Right in the back of the jar.

J well, I started out
with three balls I

j now two of them are lost j

j got 200 yards of water j

j that I got to get across j

j did I hear somebody talkin'? I

j 'bout a $40 bet? J

j I got 30 in my pocket j

j but I won't let 'em
see me sweat j

j oh, lord j

imm can't afford to lose j

j you know I'll be
in church next Sunday j

j just save me from those
double bogey blues I

romes, you come back.

Man, you should've been there.

I drained a 30-foot snake
to qualify.

Earl gives me
this straight read.

Thing breaks half a dozen times.

Ah, missed ya, pods. I missed ya.

Okay, don't talk to me,
but you're still my guy.

Look, it's a little late
to be pissed off.

I mean, we're in the open,
you and me.

All right, fine, be like that.

Say, has Molly been around?

You know what? Neither her
nor me nor the god of golf himself

is gonna keep you
from blowin' up in the open.

Well, I made it this far,
didn't 1?

Didn't 1? Didn't 1?

All I gotta do is hold it together
for 72 more holes.

There's a lot of triple bogeys waiting
out there to grab your skinny white ass.

Are you complainin' again?
Is that... is that what I hear?

- Shut up.
- Are you complaining again?

You're back,
whinin' and bitchin',

pissin' and moanin'.
You're back! Huh? You're my man.

You didn't fall in love
with Earl to be your caddy?

Oh, Earl.

Jeez, he's a wheezin' heart attack
waitin' to happen.

Cost me 3 strokes a side.

Hell, I had to carry the bag
the last 4 holes.

Look, I love old Earl,
okay, but I need you.

You don't love me?

Well, yeah.
Yeah, I love you, too, god damn it.

Well, as much as Earl?

I don't know. I mean...

When I was with Earl,
I was thinkin' of you.

Yes, uh...

As much as Earl.

More than Earl.

More than Earl.

Am I special?

Well, if you can remove
the sexual overtones

in that, uh, golf theme,
then, Romeo...

I am your Juliet.

In that case, Julieta...

I am your caddy onhe more time.

So nobody's heard
from Molly, huh?

You got it bad, huh?

Somethin' about that chick.

Somethin' about that chick.

Little chili-Dipper there.

Hey, be sure
to do that in the open.

It really impresses 'em.

Rome...

Yeah, I'm watchin'.

That ain't no chili-Dipper.

Looks like you got El hosel.
The laterals.

You know, the "s" word?

What am I doin' wrong?

I don't know.
The shanks are like a virus.

They just show up.

Nobody can figure 'em out.

Romes...

Yeah.

Somethin's terribly wrong.

Rome, somethin's wrong.

That's okay.

Well? Well, what's your guess?

It's gotta be the woman.

I thought you said
it was a virus.

Well, a woman can have
the same effect.

What, uh, what do I do?

Um... j-just keep swingin'.

Go on. You're fine.

Don't say a fuckin' word.

Um, I'm inside if you need me.

Just work it out.

Jj

Jj

Hello? Is anybody home?

My god... Roy.

Dr. griswold.

The therapist laughs
at the patient?

Huh? Is that how it works?

Is that how it works?

- No.
- Man's laid bare before god,

he's the butt of a cosmic joke?

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Some of this shit might actually work,
you know. I mean...

I think there's somethin'
to this hat,

the golf ball pendulum thing.

Could be onto somethin' here.

Oh, Jesus, Roy.

I mean, quoting yourself,

it is paraphernalia for lost
and desperate souls.

Well, a lost and desperate soul
stands before you.

I assume I have
the confidentiality

of the doctor-client...

Privilege in regards
to this outfit.

Of course you do.
Now, what happened?

Well... l got the shanks.

Are you taking penicillin?

There's a glitch in my swing.

Well, that's Romeo's department.

No, he thinks it's your department.
Says it's a head thing.

Oh. Well, uh, I just came over

to congratulate you on the, um,
sectionals and to return your car.

I mean, David said
he doesn't want it.

Just wanted to make a point.
You know what, Roy? Look.

You know what? I suppose that
we could have a therapy session

right here and now.

I don't want therapy, okay?

I want you.

I want you.

I gotta get some air, Roy.

Molly...

Molly. Molly, wait.

Molly, look at me.

Well, not at the moment,
but just listen to me.

You're with the wrong guy.

I'm the right guy.

I mean everyone... everyone says
my face is screwed up tight as a drum.

I know it's 'cause
I been crazy about you

from the moment you came here,

when you were wearin'
all this stupid shit.

The whole damn thing's
both inspired me to get here

and also 'caused me
to get the shanks,

which could humiliate me
in front of a billion, zillion people

in a game I used to... used to
know how to play pretty good.

Such is life.

So dump that phony bastard
you're with

and come to the open
in my corner, okay?

Tell me...
Tell me you're not just like at least

moderately attracted to me.

You have moments, Roy.

Yeah? Well, you tell me
which ones are my moments,

and I'll try and duplicate them.

This is a moment.

Now?

Yeah. I mean,
just utterly exposed,

completely vulnerable,

inner child trying to get out.

Yeah? My inner child
needs a spankin'?

Yeah. No, Roy. No, Roy.

Oh.

I, uh, don't have a car.

Need a ride.

I know.

J you're like a cool breeze... j

Roy...

J to a hot spell... j

I know a spot
along the river, it's...

It's great to watch sunsets.
Ll do.

Watch the road.

I know a spot by the river
that's great for sunsets.

I bet you do, Roy. Not tonight.

Not tonight means
maybe some other night.

No, I didn't mean it like that.

Maybe consciously
you didn't mean it that way,

but how about unconsciously?

Come on, you're the expert.

Did you mean it unconsciously?

Roy, unconsciously, I don't have a clue
what I'm talkin' about.

I feel we're makin' progress.

Well, I do, too.

I have no idea what it's
progress towards, though. None.

Consciously or unconsciously?

Oh, Roy.

J you're like a sweet spot
to these tired eyes j

j you're like the last mile
on a long ride I

I till the end of time j

j baby, I can start j

j if you just let me
into your heart j

well, it may not be much of a river
to you, but to me it's the...

Mississippi,
the rio grande, the...

The danube, the Amazon...

Wow, the Amazon?
I don't know about the Amazon, Roy.

[Scoffs[I come on, Molly. I mean, isn't it
obvious to you that you and me are...

As comfortable together
as a couple of old shoes?

Old shoes? Oh, Roy.

Look, David... David's
a really good person.

Whenever anybody says
they're with a really good person,

it means they're...

It means they're about to leave 'em.

You know, you're
awfully judgmental.

Well...

It's one of my few
redeeming virtues.

You know, look, David's involved
in a lot of charity work.

Gets his name in the paper.

No. Roy, no. Let me just finish.

I mean I... he's a sensitive person,
and a lot of people don't see it.

Well, so am I.
I mean, hell, I'm...

Shit, I'm twice
as sensitive as he is.

I mean, I... hell, I brought you
to the river. I mean, that's a...

That's a nature
kind of thing, isn't it?

Yeah, it is a nature
kind of thing, Roy.

It is a very nice river.
Thank you.

But that's not the point.

The point is
is that David is there for me.

Oh, god. Not the
"he's a very good person

and he's there for me thing."
I mean...

L-let me be your shrink
for a minute.

You know what,
that's not a good idea.

You're startin' to sound like a woman
who's lookin' for a way out.

Warm?

That's enough, Roy.

Okay. I'm sorry.

- We could kiss.
- Oh, jeez, Roy.

Look, no harm, no foul.

Just a little, small, innocent,

you know, kind of...
Kind of a... semi...

Platonic.

Roy...

Roy, there's no such thing as

semi-platonic, Roy.

There ought to be.

I think you better take me home.

Jj

Well, good luck
in the open, Roy.

J when I was younger,
I believed j

j that dreams came true j

j now I wonder

j 'cause I've seen
much more dark skies j

I than of blue

j now I wonder

j I keep on prayin'
for blue skies j

j I keep on thinkin'
of the good times j

j will they ever come again? J

j now I wonder

jj

J will they ever come again? J

j now I wonder

j oh, I wonder j

Jj

It's got your name on it, man.

Wow, they spelled it right
and everything.

Hey, look, it's Lee janzen
and Billy Mayfair, man.

They look just like
they do on TV.

Look at these balls.

Look at these balls.
Brand-new titleist.

Brand-new?

Look at 'em.
Every one of them, brand-new titleist.

Whoa.

Jeez.

Sneak a few in the bag
when you get a chance.

We swipe enough free shit,
we might even pay for this fiasco.

Do you think it would
be inappropriate

if I asked Lee janzen
for his autograph?

I think that's
a dead giveaway, romes,

but if I still got the shanks,

we're gonna be
found out soon enough.

Oh. Hit the 7.
You always hit that good.

Good thinkin', pods.

Sweet swing. Come on, man.

Keep your head down
and follow through.

You're makin' me nervous.

All right.

Whoa! Hey

- who hit that shot?
- Yeah, who hit that?

- Anybody see?
- Watch out.

There's supposed
to be pros here.

A little thin, boss.

Little fucking thin.

Jesus Christ,
I still got the shanks.

Don't worry about it, man.

Everybody's watchin' me.

Nobody's watchin'.

Just hit another one.
Come on, just stand up there, man.

- You can do it. All right.
- All right.

- Whoa.
- Look out!

Ho!

Hey, partner, uh, you know,
the guys down the line

are a little concerned
about that.

What's your name? Tin cup?

Yeah, Roy mcavoy
from west Texas.

We're, uh, from west Texas.

Uh, why don't you try
aiming a little left...

Why don't you try backing up,
giving me just a little room?

Hey, man, that's Johnny Miller.

Don't give
a flying fuck who it is.

Jesus, cup.

He can't do that.

Hey, no problem.
Who do you want it to?

To Romeo. To Romeo, uh...
My best friend.

- Ooh!
- Well, good luck to you, guys.

You might want to make
some plane reservations Friday, though.

Okay, thanks, Mr. Miller.
Hey, great open in '73, boy.

Okay, thank you.

- What a nice guy.
- Yeah. Did you get his autograph?

Yeah. Look.
"To my best friend, Romeo."

- Do you see who's over there?
- What?

- Jesus Christ.
- It's only an autograph, man.

Simms is here.

Aw, shit.
Maybe you should hit your putter.

You can't shank that one.

Look, you're the Mexican
Mac o'Grady.

You gotta figure out
why I'm still shanking the ball.

- You know.
- What's the problem?

Oh, shoot.

I'm catching
on the hosel, right?

Yeah, right, right, right.

Moving my head? = yeah.

- I'm laying it off?
- Well, that, too.

I'm pronating.

When you're not supinating.

I'm clearing too early,
I'm clearing too late.

My god, my swing feels like
an unfolding lawn chair!

All right.

Take all your change
and put it in your left-hand pocket.

Go on, do it, Roy.

All right.

All right, now...
Tie your left shoe in a double knot.

- Tie my left shoe...
- Right now, Roy! Do it!

Turn your hat around backwards.

Turn your hat around!
Do it, Roy!

Now take this tee
and stick it...

Behind your left ear.

Stick it... I look like a fool!

Well, what the hell
do you think you look like

shooting them chili peppers
up Lee janzen's ass?

Now, you do it right now, Roy,

or I swear to god,
I'm gonna quit.

- I swear to god, I'll quit.
- All right.

All right, good.

Now take this little ball,

hit it the hell up the fairway.

You're ready.

How'd I do that?

'Cause you're not
thinking about shanking.

You're not thinking
about the doctor lady.

You're not thinking, period!

You're just looking like a fool.

And you're hitting the ball
pure and simple,

- and that's your natural...
- Fuck you.

Fuck me, huh?
Well, you're cured.

I'm c... that's it?

Yeah, that's it.

Your brain was getting
in the way.

That's hardly ever
been the case, but...

Well, no shit, Sherlock.

Well, what next?

Well... l should recommend

that you work on
your short game, but...

I think you oughtta get drunk.

Get drunk? = yeah.

You always play better
when you're wasted.

Remember brownsville?

Come on, get it down.

Come on, now.
What time I tee off?

You tee off at 7:08.
We're the first guys going.

- Come on, one more. Just do it.
- Hey.

Let's go, come on. Get it down.

That's 4 hours from now.

That's right.

Here's to
the finely tuned athlete

on the verge of greatness.

Ail

Jj

Hurry up, boss.

Jj

I knew we should've set an alarm.

With the honor
in the 7:08 pairing,

from salami, Texas,
Mr. Roy mcavoy.

Uh, any time for a quick bucket?

Tee it up.

Okay, boss.

We almost missed
the starting time

trying to get you off the floor.

If I may say so,

you don't handle the hooch
like you used to.

Oh, I've seen this hole on TV.

Just hit the big dog
up the chute there.

No. I've learned my lesson.

I'm gonna play it...
Safe, smart...

Conservative.

Fairways and Greens.
Hand me a 2-iron.

You sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

Ohh.

Uhh.

Not a good day.

Be humble.

Be humble.

83.

Well, you're humble now, homes.

I was hung over.

Maybe that was
a coaching mistake on my part.

Yeah, maybe it was.
Thanks, amigo.

David Simms
is the first-round leader

at the us open
after a brilliant 67.

Congratulations, David.

Well... Jim, I gotta tell you,

I'm the last guy on the planet

that expected me to go out there
right out of the blocks

and shoot a 67 to lead the open.

Shut up.

I've really marveled

at how you've been able
to balance the superb play

with all the time
and energy you give to...

To so many charities
and all of your fans, too.

Well, you know, I...
This game is about...

Tradition and... and
integrity and honor.

You know,
the us open is... is it for us,

so I'm just gonna go out there
tomorrow and, uh,

try and make
some good swings, and...

Lord willing, I'll put up another
good number tomorrow.

The antichrist shoots 67.

Believe that?

Yeah, the old antichrist
had a hot putter today, boss.

Thanks a lot, Jim.
It's good seeing you.

Yeah, it's great to see you.

Hey, Luther. Be well, buddy.

I'll see you out in the trenches.

Mr. Simms! Mr. Simms!

I gotta run right now,
but I'll see you later.

Christ almighty Jesus.

No, it's either
cover or nothing.

They want you for usa weekend.

We're telling them
it's either the cover or no go.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Excuse me, Mr. Simms. Excuse me.

Would you mind giving our
grandson an autograph?

Can I please have
your autograph, Mr. Simms?

Can you people not see
that I'm busy?

I'm working here.
This is my office.

Do I come to your office
and ask you for your autograph?

I don't think so. Jesus.

What an ugly dog.

It's... it's... it's okay, Joe.

- It's okay.
- Oh. Come on.

Hey, Gary.

Hey, nice playing.

Hey, helluva round, Dave.

- Oh, thanks a lot.
- Great start, simmsy.

I got lucky out there.

Hello, cup.

I heard that you put
a monster number up there.

Yeah, well, it could
have been worse.

You know, I played in the pro-am

with some asshole
movie star here once.

Shot an 82.

Now, how in the world...

Did a great ball striker
like yourself...

A legend...

Manage to put up an 837

well, I missed
a 4-foot putt on 18

for an 82.

That's how.

Ain't like playing some muni track
in brownsville, is it, bucko?

Does, uh, integrity,
tradition, and honor

include kicking a man
when he's down?

Come on, Molly.
This is just guy stuff.

- Oh.
- It's just bar talk.

No offense. Right, cup?

You know, this man still has a lot of
great golf shots in his system.

Molly, it's okay. Just go away.

Just... I don't need
any attention right now.

I'll bet you $100
right now that Roy here

can hit a ball

through that door,
over the patio, and into the river.

And, Harold,
give me a vodka tonic with a twist.

Molly, honey...

Really, this isn't dignified.

Oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Roy.

I just wanna go back to Texas.

What about the river?

The piranha, the immortality?

All that bullshit?

You gonna drag
your ass home with an 83?

You know, $200.

For $200...

I say that Roy can hit the ball
through the damn bar,

out the patio, into the river,

and make that pelican
right there fly off its post.

No way.

From right here.

God almighty.

This is ridiculous.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, you got this shot, pods.

You can do...
It's a hooded 4-iron, man.

You just... you just turn it over,

and you start it off low...
You can do it.

He can do this shot.
He can do this shot.

He can do it, and anyway...

I'm not leaving
till one of you men

start acting in a manly fashion.

Should we just
get this over with?

One ball, one swing.

One... pelican.

From right there.

You can do it, Roy.

Come on, you're the man.
Shut this guy up.

One swing?

One swing.

I'll give you four-to-one odds.

Shit, give him 10-to-1.

Romeo, I'll need a fairway.

Ladies and gentlemen, - yes.

Here's what he's got:

He's got 30 yards
of bar and grill.

Then he's got to go
through the French doors,

over the umbrellas,
and then carry 30 yards of river.

He's got to try to pop
that pelican right off its perch.

Kind of a thin lie,
wouldn't you say?

Beats all that deep-shit
rough you were in all day.

Fore! Fore in the bar!
Come on, clear it away!

Pelican's on the other side.

Man, what a tough shot.

I betcha he's gotta be thinking

about that brutal, ego-sapping,

manhood-robbing...

83 he buried himself
underneath today.

That's an avalanche
of strokes, a mudslide.

Romeo, you wanna get
control of that guy?

Will you shut up? Get down.

Yes! Yes!

Did you see that shot?!

Oh, my god!

That ought to cover it.

Yeah.

You know...

You're all fucking nuts.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You really... look good.

Oh.

J put your coffees down j

j you better step around j

j you're the only one
to get this done j

j close and lock the door j

j duck down to the floor j;

j forget the phone
until you see the sun j

j hey, it's all right j

j 'cause you know
I'll make this fun j

j oh, when we see
the morning light »

j we'll be right back
where we started from j

j 'cause this could take
all night >

I kind of shanked that, huh?

No, no.

- Hey, come on, you guys.
- =

Romeo!

This is no time for a marathon!

It's wet out here. Damn.

Tempo is everything.

Mmm.

Perfection is...

Unattainable. = unattainable.

You know, somebody said...

Golf and sex are
the only two things

you don't have to be
good at to enjoy.

Really?

Can I have a mulligan?

A what?

A mulligan.

What's a mulligan?

Oh.

Just hold still. Don't move.

Oh.

And I'll show you. =- mmm.

In fact,
why don't you get on top,

and I'll show you?

Mmm. Tee it up.

Come on, Roy!

Damn!

J baby, this could take
all night >

j; Yeah j

jj

Welcome, everyone.

Jim nantz with Ken venturi.

The sun is struggling
to come out,

the course is drying up,

and in case you're
just joining us,

David Simms is tied for the lead
in the clubhouse

at five under par
with Peter jacobsen.

But the real story today, Kenny,

involves a driving-range pro
from Texas

who shot
an opening-round 83 yesterday,

but now is making a run
at us open history.

The single-round record
in open history is in jeopardy

because of Roy "tin cup"...

Another driving-range pro,
that's all we needed.

- More obscure guys.
- Unbelievable story.

Yes, heroes is what I need.

Not obscure driving-range pros.

Okay, Ben, we're back at 16.

Quickly.

Now, this putt, uh,

he's studied it
from every angle,

and I'm sure he knows it's...

It... he's just got to be firm
on the left-hand edge with this putt.

Thumbnails on these clowns.

I have no idea
where he came from,

but here he is
going 10 under if he makes it.

He's getting ready to putt.

Look at that.

Smooth as silk.

Made it!

10 under par for mcavoy.

Man alive!

This is, uh...
The stuff of, uh, legend, I would say.

- Who's mcavoy?
- Mcavoy?

John, you ever heard
of this mcavoy guy?

Roy mcavoy after a par at 17,

an eagle to shoot 60,

although no one
has knocked it on the green

in 2 here today.

This is not a shot
you really wanna get aggressive with.

You gotta be conservative.

You gotta think this shot out.

He's in great position.

Well, it's a 3-shot par 5.

Especially today,
a little wind in the face.

John daly, in fact,
ended up in the water

trying to go
for this green in 2.

237, man, to carry that water.

Jj

237, man.

3-wood.

Hit the hell out of it.

You know, Jimmy,
his adrenaline may have

gotten the better of him.

If he lays up,
he takes bogey out of play.

He goes for the green,
he brings six in, he brings seven in.

But he's gotta remember,
he's in contention.

He has a chance to win the us open.
He's gotta play smart.

Wow.

Nope.

Ohh!

Jimmy,
he just didn't have enough club.

Well, what the hell.

You ride her
till she bucks you...

Or you don't ride at all.

If he can still
knock a wedge close and make par,

it would conclude one of the most
remarkable turnarounds

in tournament history.

He's got
about 85 yards from here, Jim,

and the drop zone
is short of the water.

And he'll need to get this
on the upper level

of this multi-terraced green.

Now, that's a good solid shot

leaving him about
12 feet away for par,

a par and 62, the all-time
open round record.

Good stroke.

He's got it.

Unbelievable!
Roy mcavoy has done it!

You have just seen
the greatest round

in United States open history.

62.

The all-time lowest round
in the majors

doesn't belong
to a Jack nicklaus

or an Arnold Palmer,
Nelson, hogan, or snead.

It has been shot by
the most improbable artist of all.

Roy mcavoy has his signature

on golf's all-time
masterpiece round.

You know, I got some money
from the pelican bet.

Why don't we go
somewhere fancy and celebrate,

get ready for the final round?

There's nothing to celebrate.

Besides, these are
my people, right?

That's right.

I'm a waffle house guy.

Gotta stay in touch with that.

Plus, he needs
his carbohydrates.

Yeah.

Plus, if the boys
in salome were in town,

this is where they'd be.

Okay. All right.

Yay! The legend.

Goddamn, we've been
on a bus for 2 days,

riding around, riding around.

Oh, god, it's so good
to see you.

It's so good to see you.

I didn't know you
were gonna come.

Sweet 62!

- Hey, hey.
- Put the tables together.

Put 'em together.

Put this up and rest your rump.

- Does this feel like home?
- Yeah.

We just want you to know
that we are with you all the way.

Doreen, uh, meet Dr. griswold.

- Uh, this is Molly.
- Hi.

She's, uh, my shrink.

- Hi.
- Well, ex-shrink, um...

We're sleeping together now,
so I can't be his therapist.

Knew it. Thanks.

Knew what?

Oh, nothing.

Good luck.

You know what, guys?

I have got a little extra cash.

Why don't we all just go somewhere
a little fancy and celebrate?

- Exactly.
- Why?

Well, in honor of, you know...

This is the waffle house,
Doreen.

Well, I know,
and I love the waffle...

I've been dreaming about waffles
for... 1,800 miles.

Yeah, me, too.

You know, here's a waffle house
exactly like this

in Odessa, Texas. = yeah.

Odessa?
It's in midland, ain't it?

No, it's in Odessa.

Honey, it's in Odessa.
I'm from Odessa, and it's in Odessa.

I was born there, honey,
and that's where it is.

To the man.

To the cup!

- To the cup!
- To the cup!

You didn't have to do that.

You look particularly
lovely tonight, Doreen.

Oh, well, thank you.

I don't know if anybody
ever told you,

but you're really
a helluva dancer.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, but they had one there.

That's all I'm saying.
They had one there.

Wait, wait. = it was... Odessa.

That's not what I
was talking about,

and you know the place
that we stopped?

Listen, there is one easy way
to figure this out.

You ever tango?

- Tango?
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, no.

Do you?

Well, you know...

Romeo, you dance?

It doesn't matter!

It doesn't get
much better than this.

Well,
this extraordinary Roy mcavoy,

he just won't go away,

this, uh, humble
driving-range pro

from... salome,
wherever that is.

Little town, west Texas.

It hasn't been discovered yet.

Over to 18, guys, quickly.

Kenny, this is John cook
at the par 518th,

no stranger
to championship play.

He's going to lay up
with a 7-iron.

Meanwhile, here's Roy mcavoy.

He has the same shot

he knocked in the water
yesterday, Jimmy.

The thing to do right now is tune out
the gallery saying, "go for it."

He's now back in contention,

but he must continue
to play smart.

Gimme a 3-wood.

Well, he's...
He's pulled the 3-wood,

and he continues
to play this tournament

without an ounce of fear.

That is just inexperience,
just pure and simple.

This is for venturi
up there in the booth

thinking I should lay up.

Yeah, what does he know?

He only won this tournament
before you were born.

Caught it a little bit high,

a little breeze in his face.

That's... that's gotta go,
gotta go.

He's done it again.

No, not again.

He has found the water

for the third straight day.

What was he thinking about?

Gimme another ball.

Roy.

What?

It's a water hazard.

You go up there and take a drop,

try to save par,
just like you did yesterday.

You're right.

The hell was I thinking?

He's tied for the lead,
this Roy mcavoy,

this tin cup, this empty cup,

this airbrain out of nowhere.

West Texas.

And, uh, I... yeah, west...
Thank... thank you for west Texas.

You, uh, went for
the green on 18 today.

I'm just wondering
if you think that cost you.

I saved par, didn't 1?

- Well...
- Didn't I?

I'm just trying to understand
what you're thinking.

You had the same shot yesterday on 18
without a headwind...

You don't think
I can knock it on from there?

Let's just say it's
a low-percentage shot.

Well, so am I.
I mean, look at me, all right?

Look what I'm wearing.

I mean, I'm playing for rio grande
short-haul trucking,

brink's and brown's
sanitation, uh...

First state bank of salome,

Woody's smokehouse.
You think a...

You think a guy like me bothers
to worry about the percentages?

Are you nervous
about tomorrow, Roy?

It won't always
be like this, you know.

What?

With me, surrounded by
all these guys snorin',

stripper ex-girlfriend
layin' across from us.

My caddy sleepin' next to her.

It won't always be like this.

Yes, it will, Roy.

It will.

Dollar bills.

Jj

Dollar bills.

Dollar bills.

Jj

First up, in the final pairing,

from salome, Texas, Roy mcavoy.

Fairways and Greens, Dave,

and don't forget to wave
as I blow by.

You mean blow up,
don't ya, sport?

You always do.

Jj

Jj

Awww...

Son of a...

Playing out of Houston, Texas,

David Simms.

It's okay. I know exactly
where you are.

Don't worry.
You're in great shape.

Jj

What kind of lie we got, boss?

Oh, shit. It's buried.

Uh-oh.

All right. Be careful.
Don't... don't touch it.

I know the rules, Romeo.

Which way ya gonna go?

Go right through there.

Go for it.

No! God!

Don't worry about it.
It was my fault.

I gave you the wrong club.
Okay? You'll be fine.

You put a good move on the ball.

- Shut up.
- Really, now, don't worry about it.

Here... you did fine.
Give me the club.

Thank you very much, Jim.

We've just heard that Roy mcavoy

has taken a disastrous double bogey
to open his final round here.

Ah, double back there, Roy.

Just keep makin' pars, asshole.

I'll take 18 of 'em,
all day long.

Do it, and I'll own ya.

Jj

Jj

Jj

Fore!

Roy mcavoy's 2nd shot
at the 2nd hole

has gone deep into the woods.

For a report on his plight,

let's go down to Gary mccord,

who has spent most of his life in
the woods and in darkness. Gary?

Ben, he's in jail here.

No chance for parole.

In fact,
the only thing he's got...

He's got to hit the ball
back in the fairway,

try to pitch ball on the green,

and get up and down for his par.

He's got no chance
to hit it on the green.

50 bucks says
I knock it on from here with a 7-iron.

On the green?

Right on the green.

You got it.

Marsha, you want to move
these people back right here?

I'm goin' right there.

Mccord, what you got?

What's he... what's he doing?

Ben, I think he's gonna
try the old ricochet off the port-a-let

with a hooded 7-iron.

He is! He's gonna hit it
right off the shitter!

I cannot believe he's
about to hit this shot.

Dave, vt 1, record, record.
Record this shot.

Hey!

Roy mcavoy
has banked his 3rd shot at the 2nd hole

between the trees,
off a water closet...

Toilet or loo,
as you might call it...

And got it on the green,
somehow, in three.

May be the shot, though,

that does get him right
back on track here in this final round.

It could erase
that double bogey at one.

It may be the best thing
that ever happened to him.

Oh, that was great.

I didn't know there was
a little mirror thing in here.

Isn't this cute?

Here. Let me just look at my...

Jj

Looks pretty level. Just roll it
in like you know what you're doin'.

Hit it close, sport.

Jj

Yes! Yes! Yaah!

Doreen, how did he
get the name "tin cup"?

Oh, he was the catcher
on the high school baseball team.

The star pitcher had
a big league curve.

Not all his pitches
hit Roy in the mitt. Ouch.

Team thought "tin cup”
was a whole lot better than "clank."

Clank...

= fuck.

Jj

Molly, can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Have you ever had a Latin lover?

Where does he get his name from

is what I wanna know.

Why did you wait
so long to leave that Simms character?

Well, it takes
a little while to realize

that prince charming
might be wearing

a beer-stained undershirt

with a sausage hangin'
out of his mouth,

makin' $7.00 an hour in
some armadillo-infested driving range.

You're not one of these women
who tries to fix men, I hope.

I mean, men cannot be fixed
and especially him.

Yeah. Well, I've been
pathetically slow learning that lesson.

Molly. Hey.

- Hi. How are ya?
- How are you?

Good. Hey, I could
use a little help, I think.

You know, I've seen what
you've done with mcavoy

and all
that psychological stuff.

I think it could
come in pretty handy.

Well, hey! Let me
give you my card.

- Sure.
- Yeah, that'd be great.

Super. If, uh, actually, if you
got a few more of these,

there's a bunch of guys in the locker room
could use your help as well, I'm sure.

You know what? Take 'em all.

Thanks. This is Doreen.

- Hi. I'm Doreen.
- Hi, Doreen. How are you?

And, you know, my number's right there.
Just call me anytime.

I do counsel couples,

so if you want to bring your caddy,
that'd be just fine.

Yeah, I'll think about it,
and I'll give you a call.

- Okay.
- Great, thanks.

- Bye. Nice meetin' you.
- See ya.

Cheers.

Oh. Cheers.

Yes! Ho!

Boom.

That puts jacobsen
into a tie at seven, guys,

and that, uh, tin cup guy
is 1 shot back.

Let's keep abreast of that.

That birdie by Peter jacobsen
forged a tie now for the lead

at seven under with David Simms.

And Roy mcavoy
just won't go away.

He's only one shot back
at six under par.

Man, he's throwin'
darts back there.

If we don't make some birdies,
we're playin' for 2nd.

Mcavoy? You believe
he's still hangin' around?

It's hard to believe
that a guy named tin cup

might have his name
beneath mine on the trophy.

So it's come down to the 72nd
hole of this great championship,

and three men, all battling
to be crowned the next open champion.

Peter jacobsen is in the fairway
at 18 at eight under par,

tied for the lead with Roy mcavoy,
who's on the 18th tee.

And David Simms is
back there trailing by one.

Jacobsen"s layin' up.

Yeah, he took out an iron.

Jacobsen's gonna lay up, Jim,

and I think that's
a very smart move.

He's tied for the lead,
virtually assures himself of a par.

And with his short game,
he could make birdie.

You ain't gonna have
that luxury, Dave.

Not if you play to win.

Well, we've
seen this position before.

Mcavoy with another
perfect drive at the 18th.

The last thing he needs
right now, Jim,

is an excuse to go
for the green again.

I didn't catch it all.

That's okay. You have
to lay up, then.

Jj

This is for par.

So birdie wins it.

Birdie wins it.

That's par. Lower 3rd.

- He's in the lead now.
- Jacobsen"s in the lead.

Eight under.

And they all have to catch him.

You or me, Dave?

Wanna lay up?

He's layin' up.

He's layin' up.

Yeah.

Birdie to tie, eagle to win.

Gutless wonder's layin' up.

It's a birdie to win
and par to tie for you.

You lay up, too, man.

You can still
make a... birdie layin' up.

You know somethin', romes?

If I make a eagle,
that puts me 10 under.

No one's ever finished
an open 10 under, not even nicklaus.

You don't need
an eagle to win, Roy.

Birdie wins! Par ties!

Now lay it up.

Birdie wins! Par ties!

Look, you can hole out a wedge
for a goddamn eagle.

This is everything, ain't it?

This is the choice
it comes down to.

This is our immortality.

You don't need to be
thinkin' immortality.

You need to be thinkin',
"hit the 7-iron"!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This is what always happens.

He's goin' for it.

Go for it!

Molly, get a grip.

He only needs par to tie.
Tell him to lay up.

He'll listen to you.

Go for it, Roy.
Just knock it on.

Mol... you know,
this is why we broke up.

He always went for it.

You know what my problem is,

is I've never
been with a man who went for it.

Well, honey, he's your guy.

One swing, Roy.

One good swing.

John daly couldn't
get there in 2.

What the hell is he doing?

Unbelievable that he's doing this.
Four days in a row...

No. It's three days
he's put the ball in the water.

It'll be four days
if he hits this 3-wood.

Unbelievable.

Come on, baby...

- Please...
- We're home.

Jj

This has a chance.

It's gotta go...
This has got a chance.

I think he's done it.

Jj

A little gust there, romes.

D

Yes, he did... oh!

- Hold up!
- Stay up!

- Stay up!
- Hold up!

No!

- Stay up! Stay...
- Whoa!

No! No! Go back! Back!

Aw... shit!

Jj

You can still make par
from up there, Roy.

She's right, pods.

Take a drop and a stroke
up and down,

we'll make par, we'll tie.

I nutted that thing.

I mean, I nutted it.

I know you did, man.

You put a helluva
move on that, man.

Little gust
from the gods cost me.

Okay, look, we'll go up there,
we'll take our drop, we'll tie,

and we'll win it in the playoff.

I can make that shot!

I know you can, Roy,
but not now!

Now!

I'm playin' it
from right here, now!

Take your drop
and make your par, Roy.

Now.

Take a drop, Roy.

Gimme a ball.

Unbelievable.

I can't watch this.

Fourth shot.

- Aw, honey.
- Oh, my god.

Jimmy, I don't believe this.

He could go up,
use the drop zone, make par,

force a playoff with jacobsen,

and get outta here.

Easy, guys.
Now, he could still make a five.

- That's right.
- He can still make a five.

We could still have a playoff.

Stay with him, Paulie.

Oh, no!

Gimme another ball.

Take a drop, Roy.

Roy, just...

Gimme another ball!

Roy, just take your drop.

Droppin' five. Hittin® six.

What the hell is he gonna do?

Why would he hit it from here?

All he had to do
was walk up there, take a drop,

and make a 5,
for cryin' out loud.

That's insane.

Somebody tackle him!

Gimme another ball.

Awww!

Shit!

Droppin' seven,
hittin' his eighth shot.

I'll tell ya, it's a miracle
he lasted this long.

Jj

Look at Simms.
We ought to have a camera on Simms.

He can't watch.

Somebody tell this clown
he doesn't have to hit it from there.

All right. Now he's droppin' nine.
He's hittin' ten.

Jj

Oh, god. I'm gonna faint.

Oh, Jesus.

This is the last ball
you got in the bag, Roy.

You get this one wet,
we're disqualified.

I can make it across.

Well, then do it.

Quit fuckin' around.

Oh...

He's crazy.

Oh, god. He's right.

You're right, Roy.
Just knock it on.

Let 'er rip!

Oh, Molly, you're losin' it.

No, I have lost it,
and so has he.

He's crazy.

Honey, so are you.

11. Now this is a 12, guys.

Now he's gotta start worrying
about qualifying

for next year's open
and the masters here.

But he's lost this tournament.

He'll end up selling
countess Mara ties

and renting golf carts
the rest of his life. Look at this!

I... I don't know...
Even know what I'm feeling, all right.

This is the most painful thing
I've ever seen.

You know what's crazy, Jimmy?

If he doesn't finish the hole
with this ball,

he can't turn in a card.
He's disqualified.

Oh, my god.

Oh, dear lord, please.
Oh, dear lord.

Get up! Get up! Come on, baby!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jj

There it goes!

Get over.

There ya go!

Jj

He's over.

No!

Jj

I can't believe it!

I love you!

Come on!

Jj

Unbelievable!

Jesus Christ!

Did you see this? What was that?

That was a 12. That was a 12.

He was on the green, on in 12.

Jj

Jj

Well, boss, we blew that one.

I didn't come here
to play for no second, Romeo.

And Simms will always be second.

Hey, meet you back
at the winnebago, man.

I'll get the blender fired up!

Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you.

I just gave away the us open.

Excuse me. Roy!

Roy!

That was incredible!

That was the shot
of this tournament! My god!

- Did you hear the people...
- Molly, I just gave away the us open.

- I mean...
- Oh, hell, Roy. It doesn't matter.

Molly, I just...

- Just give him a minute.
- One time in my life,

I know the safe place
to hit the lay-up,

and I still... shit!

I still can't make myself do it.

- It doesn't matter, Roy.
- My whole career,

my whole life on the line,
and I...

I just made a 12 on the last hole
of the us open!

That's right, you sure did, Roy,

and it was
the greatest 12 of all time!

No one's gonna remember the open
five years from now...

Who won, who lost...

But they're gonna
remember your 12!

My god, Roy! It was...

Why, it's immortal!

I am so proud of you!

I gotta hand it to you, Roy.

When you go down,
you go down in flames.

Roy, never mind what...

Roy... kiss me.

Hey, David, you got a minute?

- Not right now.
- David! David!

Can I have your autograph?

Sure. I always got time
for my fans, darlin'.

Well, don't you look cute.
Come on under.

Nice par, David.

Jj

Hey, do you know that by
finishing in the top 15 at the open,

you qualified to be
in it next year?

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, so I'm thinkin'
with your game,

you could go back to the qualifying
school and go out on tour.

Nah.

Then I wouldn't see you.

Uh, well, actually,

I picked up a whole bunch
of new clients at the open.

A lot of the guys on tour
said if I could do that much for you,

imagine what
I could do for them.

Yeah, there's a lotta
head cases out there.

You know, a man goes through
what I've gone through,

he's supposed
to learn somethin'.

I'm tryin' to figure out
what I learned.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, you learned a little discipline,
a little self-control.

Yeah. I learned, uh...

You can't just listen
to your heart.

Ya gotta...
Listen to your brain.

I'm learning how to listen
to that tuning fork,

throw caution to the wind,

and take crazy risks that
I never thought were possible.

Aw, come on, Molly,

when did you ever
take a crazy risk?

Well, I'm with you, Roy.

I'm with you.

Yeah.

You know, Roy...

We could kiss.

You mean like a...
No-harm, no-foul kiss?

Yeah, kind of
a semi-platonic... little...

Sweet... innocent...

Good idea!

Mmm. Yeah?

J close and lock the door j

j duck down fo the floor j

j forget the phone
until you see the sun j

j baby, it's all right j

j 'cause ya know
I'll make this fun j;

j and when we see
the morning light ;

j well, we're right back
where we started from j

j 'cause this could
take all night j

j and it's a dirty,
lowdown job j

j when ya do it right j

j well, you can turn it off,
you can leave iton j

j I don't care about the light j

j baby, this could
take all night j

J baby, don't be afraid j

j a little work
won't hurt your back

j but just in case I'm wrong j

j you'll be smilin'
when they pronounce ya dead j

j 'cause this could
take all night j

j well, it's a dirty,
lowdown job j

j when ya do it right j

j well, you can turn it off,
you can leave iton j

j I don't care about the light j

j baby, this could
take all night j

j well, you can turn it off,
you can leave iton j

j I don't care about the light j

j baby, this could
take all night j

j; Yeah j

J I'm goin' back to salome j

j things could get ugly
if I stay j

j and I was just leavin'
anyway, yeah j

j I could sink or swim,
but then again j

j I could go back fo salome j

j to be the champion
of lost causes j

j to be the cutter
of the losses j

j or just to let
sleeping dogs lay j

j I might be worse for wear,
but, darlin', I don't care j

j I'm goin' back to salome j

I to find a friend j

j to find my way home again j

j dear lord, please lead me
not astray j

j 'cause I could shoot to kill,
but better still j»

j I could go back fo salome j

I to find a friend j

j to find my way home again j

j and if I die before today j

j then you can box my ass j

j speak kindly when I pass j

j and take me back to salome j