All language subtitles for Open Books with Martin Bryce

(INsTRUmENTAL THEmE PLAYING)

He[[Or I'm ChriS Bea[e
and this is Open ßooksf

Norfo[k's foremost forum
for [overs of [iterature.

Why Open ßooks?
We[[r first[yr because our focus is

be that most inviting of sightsr
open books.

We a[so hope our guests wi[[
speak candid[y and ber if you wi[[r

open books.

And fina[[yr we trust that the show's
tit[e wi[[ not command

but cajo[e viewers.
For goodness' saker open books!

Our guest tonight is a broadcaster

who has recent[y
stepped out of the radio studio

and onto our bookshe[vesr
though not [itera[[yr I hope.

Let's take a [ook.

Myguesr'r'odayís
a br.oadcasr'íng co(ossusæ

He fír.sr'enr'er.ed our.(íves
asa spor.r'syour.na(ísčææ

PARTRIDGE: Striker!

Æææwher.ehe dídagr.ear'dea(
r'o champíon r'he use ofwomen ín spor.č

It's a great mode[r it goes [ike a bomb
and the car's not badr either!

Come onr [et's go burn some rubber.

He washuge(ysuccessfu(æææ

Spunky [ady!

Æææbur'soon became dísí((usíoned
wír'h spor.r'sr.epor.r'íngæ

It'sr uhr rea[[y quite wet here.

It rea[[y is quite wet.
We[[r it's horrib[e. Rea[[y awfu[.

Yusr'r'woyear.s (ar'er.f
he foundpr.íme-r'ímesr'ar.dom

as r'hehosr'
ofhís own r'e(evísíon char'show

We[[r frank[yr my dearr
I don't give a damn!

(GIGGLINGr AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Of course I do.
Of course I give a damn.

ßur'hís f(ír.r'ar'íon wír'h ßßCTe(evísíon

was r'o endín an unfor.r'unar'eíncídenč

Carefu[ with that.

(PEOPLE SCREAmlNG)

Uhr what happens now?

Havíng (efr'r'he Cor.por.ar'íonf

A(an sr'r.ugg(ed wír'h
depr.essíon and weíghr'gaínæ

-Crash!
-(TRUCK HORN HONKING)

-Bang!
-(TYRES SCREECHING)

-Wa[[op!
-(CAR HORN BLARING)

What a video!

ßur'r'hen a r.ebír.r'hæ

Keep your c[ubs away from his young.
It's Sea[!

Her.e-ímagínedhímse(fasa (oca(Dy
on Nor.r'h Nor.fo(kDígír'a(æææ

Bang! Pepper!

Æææwher.ehe[sbecomea candíd
andcomfor.r'íngpr.esenceæ

I try to maintain a hea[thy anus.

Far.fr.om beíng depr.essedf

hesaysheísgenuíne(yhappíer.
r'han hehas ever.been befor.e

andhasr.e-emer.ged
ínr'o r'hepub(íceyeæææ

He[[o! I'm A[an Partridge.

Ææær'hís r'íme vía r'he wr.ír'r'en wor.df
wír'h r'hepub(ícar'íon ofhísmemoír.f

Ir Partridger
We Need To Ta[k About A[an.

PARTRIDGE: You shou[d ask
if peop[e want ice.

Ladies and gent[emenr
p[ease we[come mr A[an Partridge.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

-Good evening to your A[an.
-And a[so to you.

Nowr we a[ways start on Open ßooks
by asking our authors

about their re[ationship
with [iterature.

First of a[[r A[an Partridge and
[iterature aren't ideas that necessari[y

sit together in the mind's eye.

No. But I think they do
in the brain's ear.

Right. And what wou[d you mean by that?

Uhr yeah. Good question.

How did you discover
your gift for writingr A[an?

We[[ I was touched deep[y
by an Eng[ish teacher at schoo[

and I found that very exciting.

And I knew I was good at [iterature
becauser of courser

for my work that year
I gotr err straight As.

And did that come in usefu[
as a broadcaster?

It did.
I remember amending marketing materia[

when I was at Saxon Radio
in Bury St Edmundsr

and I rea[ised I had something specia[.

The b[urbs about my show were [ittered
with overfami[iar references to "A[an"r

I was changing them
to "Partridge" or "mr Partridge"r

when I rea[ised I was a[so s[ight[y
improving the copy itse[f.

For examp[er I changed the phrase
"[atest chart music"

to "freshest pop sounds"...

Right.

...and "the best of our output"
to "the cream of our discharge".

And peop[e rea[[y sat up
and took notice after that.

-That's when I rea[ised I had a gift.
-If you don't mind me sayingr

I rather [ike your choice
of c[othes this evening.

-Makes you [ook [ike a country gent.
-(CHUCKLING) Nor it doesn't.

Makes me [ook [ike a writer.

-Great choice of co[oursr anyway.
-Thank you. I've primari[y gone forr uhr

-oxb[ood and mustard.
-Sounds [ike soup of the month.

Ugh. I'm not sure I'd enjoy
the taste of that.

I'd preferr umr uh...
brocco[i and sti[ton.

Let's move on now
and ta[k about your book.

It's tit[ed I Par.r'r.ídgef
WeNeed r'o Ta(kabour'A(anæ

-That's my book.
-And as ever on Open ßooksf

we've asked a [oca[ book c[ub
to run the ru[e over this week's book.

This week's group are from Bick[ingr
near Ay[sham. We[come!

-He[[o there.
-ALL: He[[o.

And we'[[ be hearing from you
a [itt[e [ater onr umr

to find out in genera[r
what did you think of the book?

Did you [ike the book?

-Yes.
-Yes.

-Yes.
-Great.

Nowr A[an has very kind[y agreed
to read some se[ected passages

from his autobiography.

This is from a chapter
entit[ed "Beginnings".

Where's the book?

It shou[d be there.

"Pitter-patter! goes the rain on the
window. Pitter-patter! Pitter-patter!

"And outsider
cars zoom up and down the roadr

"some of them dropping down to second
gear to turn right into Gayton Road.

"On the pavementr peop[e hurry
and scurryr both to and fro.

"A c[ap of thunderr bam!

"And some pretty gusty wind.

"Everyone agreesr it's a pretty
dramatic evening a[[ round.

"Pan right. It's a hospita[ room.

"A c[ammy pregnant woman [ies
spread-eag[ed on the bed

"and is about to produce
pitter-patter of her own.

"She's not going to wet herse[fr

"a[though that is often
a distressing side-effect of chi[dbirth.

"I'm referring to the pitter-patter
of chi[dren's feet.

"'Stand back!' says the midwifer
'her contraptions are massive.'

"'Looks [ike Anthony Eden's
going to be named Prime ministerr'

"mutters a nurse
as she stro[[s past the door.

"'Che[sea are about to win
the First Division tit[e!'

"rep[ies an order[yr a[most certain[y
not educated enough to fo[[ow po[itics.

"In the corner of the roomr
RockAr.ound r'he C(ockby Bi[[ Ha[ey

"b[asts quiet[y from the radio.

"You seer this wasn't now.
This was then.

"The present tense used in the previous
passage isjust a [iterary devicer

"so that the next bit comes
as a tota[ surprise.

"The scene is actua[[y unfur[ing
in 1955.

"The hospita[? The Queen E[izabeth
Hospita[ in Kings Lynn.

"The sweaty woman?
mrs Dorothy Partridger my mother.

"And the chi[d's head
s[ithering from her [egs?

"It be[ongs to me.

"The chi[d was Ir Partridge.

"'You've done it! Bri[[iant pushing!'
says the midwife.

"She ho[ds the newborn baby a[oft [ike
a captain [ifting a f[eshy Wor[d Cup.

"And then the chi[d throws back its head
and roars the roar of freedom.

"The noise is re[ative[y nonsensica[r

"but no [ess inte[[igent
than most babies wou[d produce.

"In factr probab[y a bit more
switched-on than average.

"In many waysr the proud wai[
that burst forth from my [ungs

"was my first broadcastr

"de[ivered to an audience
of no more than eight.

"That sti[[ equated to an audience
sharer in the de[ivery roomr at [eastr

"of a coo[ 1OO percent.

"'Not badr' I probab[y thought.
'Not bad at a[[."'

So wou[d you describe yourse[f
as a book enthusiast?

Yeah. I'm a bib[iophi[e.

My house is brimming with books.
I've got...

(SPUTTERING) ...books in the garage!
Uh...

(CLEARS THROAT)

I've got in excess of 1OO books
in two cardboard boxes.

Umr one box was for a microwaver
the other wasr

I don't knowr I can't rememberrjust...

You knowr uh... Yeah.

But definite[y in excess of 1OO.

-And what wou[dr um...
-Sorryr I'm a bit nervous.

That's okayr have some water.

Crisps! That was what the box...

I'd brought before Christmas.

Crispmas.

I [ove wordp[ay.

You sound rea[[yr you knowr
[ike quite the co[[ector.

Yeahr peop[e do often come to my house

and they see a[[ the books and sayr
"Ooh! Who's the reader?"

And I rep[yr "I am."

I know the fee[ingr thoughr A[an.

So many booksr butjust so [itt[e space.

I knowr and a [ot of them
we'[[ never readr martin.

-Chris.
-I know. Wer um...

I meanr Richard Hammond's autobiographyr
for examp[er

which I bought from a car boot sa[er
as a favour to him.

Uhr it came out the boot of a carr
much [ike he did at high speed.

Are you someone who finds it hard
to throw books away?

You hear of these idiotsr
you knowr that burn books.

But the on[y book I've ever burnt
is TheKama Sur'r.aæ

Uhr yeah. I meanr I had a browser

but I thought the women in it
werejust a bit too s[utty.

Right. We[[r I can certain[y te[[
you're an avid reader.

Yeah. Ohr yeah.
I meanr I'[[ read anywherer Richard.

I'[[ read on the sofar
in the bedr in the bath...

-In the shower?
-No. Come on. I mean[

uhr the on[y thing I do in the shower
is wash my body. And my hair.

What about the [itt[e men's room?
The toi[et?

We[[r yeah.
You knowr we a[[ read on the [oo.

I meanr I tend to read short recipes
from a cookery bookr

you knowr so I can p[an
what's going to be ther uhr

cause of my next visitr

umr as it were.

-Sorry.
-And ho[idays? Are you a ho[iday reader?

Ohr yeah. I'[[ take
numerous nove[s with me andr uh...

non-fiction.

Uhr fi[[ the boot with [uggager
basica[[y as many books as I can get

on the back seat
and the front passenger seatr

-thenjust head north.
-To...

-Sti[[r it's fair to sayyou're...
-Da[es.

Where there are friends.

"'O-O-O-Open itr'
stuttered my mother nervous[y.

"'Y-Y-Yesr open itr'
said Dadr frightened.

"'Coo[ itr catsr' I breezed.
This was the '7Os.

"In my hand was a go[den enve[ope

"containing the most important
pieces of paper I'd ever c[utchedr

"my A-[eve[ resu[ts.

"'Wh-Wh-What does it s-s-say?'
my parents whispered in abso[ute unison.

"I opened it as ginger[y as
a rookie bomb-disposa[ operative

"wou[d open a fat [etter bomb
in a creche.

"In a funny sort of wayr
the contents werejust as exp[osive

"as powder-coated acetone peroxide.

"They spe[t the difference
between me attending tertiary education

"and being consigned to a heap
marked 'Don't have A-[eve[s'.

"And that was a mound of s[ag
I did not want to be on.

"Like the bomb disposa[ man
mentioned abover

"I swa[[owed hard and began to remove
the [etter within the '[ope.

"A sing[e bead of sweat
sprinted down my facer

"skirting around my temp[e

"and pausing at thejaw
before throwing itse[f to its death."

(SIGHS DRAmATICALLY)

'Bad newsr' I muttered.

"'Your son has fai[ed...

"'at fai[ing his exams!'

"They were confused momentari[y
by the c[ever doub[e negative.

"So I addedr 'I passed!'

"The 'It's bad newsr ha-har
nor actua[[y it's good news' technique

"is one I've a[ways enjoyed.

"It was rea[[y mastered by David Co[eman
in A Quesr'íon ofSpor.r'

"when he'd tona[[y suggest
Bi[[ Beaumont had got an answer wrongr

"on[y to revea[ at the end of
the sentence that he'd got it right.

"My parents were e[ated.

"My mum patted me and Dad
joined in one of the first high-fives

"that Norwich has ever seen.

"'I passed!' I kept saying.
'I passed them both!'

"The exact grading isn't important.

"Suffice to say I was the proud owner
of two shiny A-[eve[s

"and nobody cou[d
take them away from me."

Wou[d you sayyou've come to books
quite [ate in your [ifer A[an?

Nor that's wrong.

Umr I've been reading avid[y
since the age of a ha[f.

Uhr of courser they were
very rudimentary books.

You knowr some didn't even
contain wordsr they were mere[y

squeaked when you squeezed them.

But they were certain[y books
nonethe[ess. Umr

in those booksr my task might have been
to identify and reproduce

the sound emitted by
farmyard or domestic anima[s.

E.g.r a catr

which wou[d be...

-meow.
-Yeahr but higher.

-(HIGH-PITCHED) meow?
-Yeahr great.

And how do you consume books?
On good o[d-fashioned paper

or on an e[ectronic device?

-Ohr paper. Ohr paper. Paper.
-mmm-hmm.

There's something about the sme[[
of a bookr isn't there?

-You must know. The fee[...
-The sme[[r the aroma.

The aroma. Same as sme[[r that.
It's the same as sme[[.

Butr yeahr the fee[ing when you sort of
stroke your pa[m across the pager

the sensation of turning the page
using a wet [icked finger.

Ohr it's tota[[y inspiring.
I spent a [ot of time

-in the British Library...
-Right.

...when I was researching
my nove[ ßoyofHopeæ

-Oh yesr you sent that to me.
-Yesr I did. Did you ever read it?

-Nor terrib[e tit[e.
-We[[r actua[[yr funni[y enoughr

the choice of the tit[e
wasn't actua[[y my ownr so...

It's one of those things in pub[ishing
that I'm sure you're aware of.

But the who[e book is about
the Crimean War.

And many peop[e don't know that chi[dren
were used in vast numbers

to re[ay messages between
centra[ command and the front [ine

but suffered appa[[ing treatment.
It rea[[y is harrowing.

The centra[ character is an 11-year-o[d
messenger boy named Thomas Wineford.

He is the boy of hoper hence the tit[e.

And he got through the who[e conf[ict

on[y to be arrested
for stea[ing carrots

and was u[timate[y hanged.

Tragic.

Umr I think the best thing
about o[d books is the sme[[.

There's nothing quite [ike
going up to the bookshe[f

with your nosejust beneath
the spine of an o[d book and just...

(INHALES) ...breathing deep[y.

That fami[iar musty [ungfu[r as it were.

Yes. Be carefu[r though.

I once breathed something that
b[ocked my windpipe for a second.

I panickedr quick[y gave myse[f
the Heim[ich manoeuvre

and coughed up an o[d dead bee.

But I [ove books. Love o[d books.

A [ot of peop[e say
techno[ogy and books don't mix.

That's truer with the exceptionr
of courser of the bookmark

with a mini-torch on it.

But these e-readersr
they a[[ have internet browsersr

as if you need to
surf the internet whi[e reading!

We[[r you can't physica[[y do that
with a bookr

which meansr you knowr
you can enjoy a good nove[r

free from the nagging distraction
ofr you knowr

hardcore on[ine pornographyr

which is great for me to know

that when I'm reading a bookr
I don't knowr [ike House ofr'heSpír.ír's

-by Isabe[ A[[ende...
-A[[ende.

-Isabe[ A[[ende.
-A[[ende.

-A[[ende.
-A[[ende.

I simp[y cannot access images
of an exp[icit sexua[ naturer

however tempting or necessary
that may be.

A[[ right. Time for another extract
from I Par.r'r.ídgeæ

It's 1974r and A[an is about to begin
studying for a degree.

"Yepr 1974 was a crazyr
hazy time for A[an Partridge.

"The '6Os had come to East Ang[ia
and it was a time of free thinkingr

"free [ove andr in my caser
free university accommodation.

"I was quite the man
about town in Norwichr

"striding confident[y through
the dreaming spires

"and ha[[owed ha[[s of
East Ang[ia Po[ytechnic.

"Enigmatica[[yr I decided to stay
not in the woodworm-infested squa[or

"of university ha[[sr

"but commute in from my homer
my parents' home.

"Of courser it meant that I was
something of a mystery man on campus.

"Whi[e my fe[[ow students [ived
in each others' pockets

"and p[ayed out their debauched
[ifesty[es for a[[ to seer

"I was far [ess we[[ known.

"I'd be g[impsed
at the back of [ecture ha[[sr

"ghosting through the student union
with a g[ass of cider

"or shushing idiots in the [ibraryr

"and then I'd be gone.

"A[[ this added to my aurar

"as did my idiosyncratic dress sense.

"Thick-knitr zip-up cardigansr
f[ared brown corduroys

"and shiny b[ack pepper-pot brogues

"set me apart
from the [ong-haired [ayabouts

"who bore an uncanny resemb[ance
to the Gui[dford Four

"and some of the Birmingham 6r

"Irish [ong-haired [ayabouts

"'wrongfu[[y' convicted
of bombing Eng[and.

"It was a sexy time

"and I enjoyed erotic
and informative afternoons

"with a student
whose essays I was writing.

"I'm happy to reca[[
those eye-opening afternoons

"with me and Jemima sitting
bo[[ock-naked on her bedr

"me exp[oring her body
with my quivering hands

"whi[e she coquettish[y
feigned indifference

"by reading a[bum s[eeves or smoking.

"Young I may have beenr

"but I was confident enough
to speak my mind.

"This struttingr youngr
cock-certain A[an

"wou[d often dish out comp[iments
as he perused and fe[t her body.

"'You're a rea[[y busty womanr Jemr'
I said once.

"'One of the bustiest on campus.'

"'Thanksr' she saidr
through her cigarette.

"'You've got quite a [ong torso but
your [egs aren't in the [east bit thick.

"'Be[ieve mer if I didn't have [ecturesr

"'I'd [ove to kiss you from top
to bottom and from side to side.

"'A[so diagona[[y.' Things [ike that."

A[anr [et's turn back to [iterature now.

Do you fear the dumbing-down of books?

Not rea[[y. If I see a young woman
sitting on a grassy kno[[r

you knowr or on a park benchr

reading Shopaho(íc Tíes r'heKnor'f

I don't think that's a terrib[e book
or a shit book.

-Right.
-I'mjust p[eased that she's reading.

The good thing about that bookr
of courser

is that the tit[e
fu[[y exp[ains the p[otr

so that if you don't want tor

-you don't have to read it.
-I see.

So you cou[d save a [ot of time
ifr for examp[er TheDa yíncíCode

-was ca[[ed Chur.ch Puzz(e Co((ecr'íonæ
-True.

Or if theyr you knowr
renamed Tom C[ancy books

Har.r.íson For.d Thínks r'he Gover.nmenr'Ar.e
on HísSídebur'Acr'ua((y They[r.eNoč

-Literary shorthandr if you wi[[.
-Yeah.

Of courser
Dickens was wonderfu[ at that.

-Ohr Dickens.
-Wonderfu[r

andr of courser
he'd communicate comp[ex characters

by giving them such evocative names.

Yesr yeah.

One thinks of Pipr

-Smiker mrs Cruncher.
-mr Tick[e.

That's...

-Ohr nor that's the Mr.Menæ
-Mr.Menæ

Nowr A[anr this isn't your first book.

You've previous[y pub[ished
another bookr ßouncíng ßackf

-which was pu[ped?
-Correct.

-I meanr you'[[ know about that.
-No. We[[r my bookr ßoyofHopef

-was withdrawnr actua[[yr so...
-Right.

But does it bother you that
ßouncíng ßackis no [onger with us?

Nor I don't rea[[y think of it as gone.
It's [ike biscuitsr you know.

If you pu[p a packet of biscuitsr
you haven't [ost some biscuitsr

you've gained the base of a cheesecake.

-Right.
-Besidesr

ßouncíng ßackwas going on to a very
exciting new [ife as recyc[ed paper.

One particu[ar[y unkind reviewer said...

-We've a[[ had them.
-We've a[[ had themr so I knowyou have.

But he said he wou[dn't wipe
his arse with it. His wordsr not mine.

We[[r if he buys his toi[et ro[[ at
Tescor he may we[[ have done.

So it doesn't bother you at a[[?

-No!
-Right.

Okayr we[[ [et's have a question
from the audience.

The gent[eman in the ye[[owjumper.

-Primrose ye[[ow.
-Primrose ye[[owr indeed.

I want to know
what you think of the book

and if you were a criticr
how wou[d you rate it?

That is a very good question. A[an?

-How are you going to answer that?
-Oohr that's a tricky one.

Umr I'd probab[y sayr
[[I Par.r'r.ídge[eft me astonishedr

"e[ated and humb[ed.
His is a fau[t[ess piece of workr

"one which hunts down
and dismembers the ru[ebook

"before bri[[iant[y reinventing
the autobiography genre

"for the Skype generation.

"Candid and touchingr wryyet powerfu[r

[[I Par.r'r.ídgeis tru[y
a book for our times.

"And around a tenner for 87rOOO wordsr
Partridge is..."

(INHALES) "...no s[ouch in the
va[ue-for-money departmentr either.

"Five stars out of five."
Something [ike that.

Are you a twin?

-Yes.
-Right.

-With that man?
-Yeah.

Why aren't your uhr sitting with him?

-We came separate[y.
-Okay.

It'sjust quite distracting
that you're sort of

far apartr that's a[[.

If your parents were sti[[ aroundr A[anr
what wou[d they make of the book?

We[[r books were a[ways
very important to my mother.

As a chi[dr she used to read me
bedtime stories.

I meanr when I was a chi[dr not her.

I wasn't born.

Nor she wou[d read to me
for about ha[f an hour every night

-before hitting the stopwatch.
-That must have been

rea[[y wonderfu[
for your though. Soothing.

We[[r she tried her best. But she
strugg[ed with the characters' voices.

I don't know why. I don't think
it was because she was thick.

What did she used to read to your
for examp[e?

We[[r I remember a ha[f-hearted attempt
at Paddington Bearr

-which she made sound German.
-Hmm.

The same with Rupert the Bear.
She basica[[y Germanised any bearr

which ruined it for me.

But on the f[ip sider
she did an outstanding Noddy.

What about your dadr your father?
Wou[d he have enjoyed the book?

We[[r Pop and I had a very difficu[t
re[ationshipr a[though I must say

-it's much better now that he's dead.
-Right.

-Was he a keen readerr A[an?
-martinr he wasn't.

-It's Chris.
-The on[y book I ever saw him read

was TheHísr'or.yofr'heDec(íne
andFa(( ofr'heRoman Empír.eæ

-By Edward Gibbon. A semina[ work.
-Yeah.

Except when I picked it up one dayr
I found that there was a different book

-under the dustjacket.
-And what was that?

It was TheSecr.er'Sevenf

By B[yton.
But it was one of the few things that...

that was redeeming about my father.

In many ways he cou[d be
a very crue[r messed-up guy

but I [ove the fact
that he had this secret [ove

of [ooking at books about chi[dren.

You're not afraid to sett[e o[d scores
in the bookr A[an.

-Ah. You noticed.
-I did indeed.

He saidr twir[ing his moustache.

It's actua[[y more distracting
that they're now together.

-They're together.
-Weird[yr bizarre[y.

Uhr yeahr nor I was tempted
to ca[[ the book Kneeyer.kf

but I thought it sounded
[ike a Geordie sayingr "Not ajoke."

You knowr "Naejoke."

Right.

There's naejokes. You know.

But there arejokes in the book.
At other peop[es' expense.

Was it hard to get the book
through the [ega[ team?

Were there any things
that you had to take out?

Yeahr some things. Umr

martin Bashir's (BLEEP) addictionr

uhr the incredib[e sweat prob[ems
faced byr umr (BLEEP).

Umr there's a who[e Toksvig saga.

Umr (BLEEP)'s addiction to fascism.

Uhr the time A[astair Stewart
was found (LONG BLEEP)

Two chicks with dicks.

Right.

And how did the peop[e
you mentioned react?

Not everyone responded.
There's a big chunk on Sa[[y Gunne[[.

I didn't hear anything from her.

But thenr I never do.

I'm beginning to think
she's changed her number.

Then againr when I do ca[[ her up from
a payphoner she does pick up brief[y.

Right.

Andr umr anyone e[se in particu[ar?

Uhr Eamonn Ho[mes sent me a .jpg
of a muti[ated squirre[.

-I saw thatr toor actua[[y.
-Yeah.

Butr yeahr Big Eams isr uh...
He's in a bad p[ace.

Yeahr he is.

And your ex-wife Caro[r
what did she think of the who[e...

I actua[[y think the book gives a fair
portraya[ of our time together.

Not [east the beautifu[
moment up He[ve[[ynr

when we conceived one of our chi[dren
against a big rock.

Time for another extract
from I Par.r'r.ídgeæ

A[an exp[ores the breakdown
of his marriage.

"Truth be to[dr I knew it was probab[y
curtains for me and Caro[ in 1989r

"when I asked her to act more demure[y
at a Radio Norwich Summer Road Show

"and she responded by downing her g[ass
of wine and getting another one.

"You don't piss about
with a guy's career [ike that.

"I first got wind of Caro['s infide[ity

"when she came home from the gym wearing
a pair of b[ack Asics cyc[ing shorts

"after having gone out
wearing b[ue Adidas ones.

"A[sor the Asics pair were for men.

"Sudden[y things that had seemed
innocentr the snazzy new hairdor

"the packet of condoms in her g[ove boxr

"reported sightings of her in nightc[ubs
with a manr

"started to co[[ect in my craw.

"What was she up to?
I began to keep a diary.

"3Oth of August 1995.

"Caro[ sme[[s of a new aftershave.

"L'Hommer I think.

"But I'm sti[[ using a giant bott[e
of Pagan man.

"It was an ex-disp[ay mode[ off a ferry.

"26th of Octoberr 1995.

"Caro[ 4O percent [ess randy
than this time [ast year.

"Menopause or sourcing sex
from a[ternative supp[ier?

"8th of Decemberr 1995. Strugg[ing to
find a spare moment to confront Caro[.

"She's a[ways at the ruddy gym.

"21st of Decemberr 1995.

"Had a [ong chat with Bi[[ Oddier
an experienced birder.

"He [ent me his binocu[ars
and gave me some advice

"on how to remain sti[[
for [ong periods of time

"and go comp[ete[y undetected
in undergrowth and shrubbery.

"22nd of Decemberr 1995.

"To[d Caro[ I was off to the officer

"then set up a vantage point
opposite the house.

"Binocu[ared her entering
the premises with a manr

"then shutting the bedroom curtains.

"This French-sme[[ing sex provider
was Caro['s fitness instructor.

"Far from being Frenchr
he was actua[[y from Luton.

"His on[y Frenchness was
his coward[y dup[icitousness

"and the kissing he did with my wife.

"I was waiting for Caro[ when she
got back from the gym that evening.

"She breezed into the kitchen

"as I sat at the kitchen tab[e
with a bott[e of wine.

"I hadn't drunk from it or opened itr

"drinking during the day
makes me nauseousr

"but I think the effect worked.

"'Been enjoying yourse[f?' I saidr
but with [oads of emphasis

"so that it was c[ear that 'enjoying'
might have a doub[e meaning.

"'Mmm-hmmr' she saidr
[ike she didn't have a b[oody c[ue.

"'Have a nice time
at the "gym"?' I saidr

"making inverted commas
around the word gym with my fingers.

"'Yesr' she said.

"Her know[edge of mimed
punctuation was pitifu[.

"'Have a good workout?' I saidr

"s[otting my right forefinger
in and out of a ho[e I'd made

"between the thumb and forefinger
of my [eft hand.

"'Yesr' she said. Not a f[icker.

"Who doesn't understand
the finger sex mimer for God's sake?

"I [ost itr

"throwing my empty wine g[ass
crashing to the f[oorr

"but it [anded on the carpet
of the ha[[ in one piece.

"'Carefu[r' she saidr sudden[y
irritated. 'You near[y broke that.'

"'Whatr [ike you broke my heart?'

"Si[ence.

"I was particu[ar[y p[eased
with that [iner

"because it's the sort of thing that I
usua[[y think of [ongr [ong afterwards

"and then admonish myse[f
for not having come up with at the time.

"'I knowr Caro[.

"'I know.'

"But then she turned to face me
and [ooked so sad

"that I started to cry on her beha[f.

"She picked up the wine g[ass
and handed it to me

"so I cou[d have another gor

"and this time it c[attered onto
the [inor where the stem snapped.

"Sti[[ not the smithereen effect
I wantedr but better than before.

"'Thanksr' I said.

"The doorbe[[ went.
Bi[[ Oddie was there.

"I opened the door to him and wasjust
sayingr 'This isn't a good timer Bi[['

"when he saw Caro[.

"He cou[d see I'd been crying
and was c[ear[y doing the menta[ maths.

"No one spoke for a whi[e and then
Caro[ gathered up her thingsr

"brushed past us
and headed back to the micra.

"She turned on the ignition

"and a b[ast of The Wnner. Takesír'A((
came through the speakers

"before she cou[d switch it off.

"I began to cry

"and she [ooked at me
through the windscreen

"and reversed very proficient[y
onto the road.

"We watched her go unti[ she
disappeared round the cornerr

"at which point we stopped watching.

"I noticed Oddie
wasjust standing there.

"'Not a good timer Bi[[.'

"'Yeahr I knowr' he said.

"'Ijust wanted my binocu[ars back."'

Okayr so time for another question.

He[[or sir. Yesr you in the front row.

Umr I rea[[yr rea[[y enjoyed
the bookr A[an. It made me cry.

Oh. Sorry.

My son came in andr umr I was...
I was crying.

And he said to mer
"Dadr why are you crying?"

I saidr "It'sjust a book I'm reading.
It's making me cry."

So he saidr
"Stop reading the bookr then."

And I saidr
"Just because it's making me cry

"doesn't mean it's a bad thing.
You can sti[[ cry and be happy."

Authors often te[[ us that their...
Thank you.

...state of mind shares a big ro[e
in how they write about the wor[d.

So how about you? Are you
in a happy p[acer A[anr at the moment?

I'm in a de[ighted p[ace. I'm so happy
that I sometimes wake up [aughing

because I'm doing so we[[.

My career is strongr

uhr I've got a good group of friendsr
and crucia[[yr

I [ive in a [arge detached house.

I meanr the other day I went into my
doub[e garager stood there and thoughtr

"my garage is bigger
than some peop[e's entire f[at."

I wasn't bragging
because I didn't say it out [oud.

And it's a factr you know it wasjust...
just a factua[ thought.

Right. Okayr we[[r umr time for another
question. Anyone in the audience?

Umr we had you. Anyone e[se?

-What about the chap with the hat on?
-Chap with the hat.

-PARTRIDGE: Did you [ike the book?
-I've come with him.

Right. Um...

-Question from you.
-Yeahr the guy

who bu[[ied you at schoo[. He was
rea[[y... He was horrib[er wasn't he?

Yeah. Is that your question?

Nor it's... Yeahr that's what it is.

Yeahr he wasn't too nice.
I wasn't too keen on him.

-He was horrib[e.
-It's true.

-Okayr we[[r [et's examine your...
-mAN: Rea[[yr rea[[y horrib[e.

...examine your writing processr A[an.

MAN: I haven't done anything.

There's an incredib[e [eve[
of detai[ in your book.

-(mAN PROTESTING)
-Of courser most writers say

-that the research takes way [onger...
-(RECEDING FOOSTEPS)

...than the writing.
How do you fee[ about that?

-(DOOR CLOSES)
-That's a very... That's...

a very good question. Uh...

How did you decide which bits to inc[ude
and which bits to omitr to [eave out?

We[[r I began by mapping the major
events of my [ife on a [arge whiteboard

that I bought secondhand
from a specia[-needs schoo[.

I got a very good dea[r actua[[y.

They gave me a discount
because I said I'd come back

and give a ta[k to the kids
on the history of fire.

And where do you [ike
to do your writing?

Roa[d Dah[ famous[y wrote
in a converted shed

-at the bottom of his gardenr of course.
-Yeah. Yeah.

Umr I did think about that.

Umr that's much betterr by the way.

You knowr I did think about thatr

but there's so much stuff
pi[ed up in my shedr

if I try to open my doorr
the B[ack & Decker Workmate

wi[[ fa[[ on mer and it wi[[ ki[[ me.

We[[r I imagine that it must be hard

to summon up the fee[ings you fe[t
at the timer when you werejust...

You knowr there you arer A[an Partridger
just sat there in your study.

No. No. If I want to summon up angerr
I wi[[ eat an entire bag of Skitt[es.

And after a brief sugar highr
I'[[ usua[[y

fa[[ as[eep with my forehead
on the computer's trackpad.

Uhr [ater on my assistant wi[[ come inr
rouse me[

see the rectangu[ar mark
on my head and sayr

"You've fa[[en as[eep with your
forehead on the trackpad again."

I'[[ sayr "Yesr" and then she'[[...

you knowr
then she'[[just open a window.

Right. And how many words
wou[d you write a day?

Genera[[y I aim for 1r5OO words a dayr

a[though I count [ong words as two.

-Frederick Forsyth does the same.
-Yesr that's right.

We[[r that's why he ca[[s himse[f
Frederick instead of Fred.

'Cause straight awayr
that's two words instead of one.

And wou[d you write for [ong stretches?
How did it a[[ work for you?

I try to take a break
every coup[e of hours.

It's good to get the b[ood pumping.

So I might do press-upsr shadow boxingr

sometimes shadowjudo.

Orr if you [iker "shado".

That's the same as "shadow".

I meanr I [ove... I [ove wordp[ay.

Do you make sure you eat regu[ar[y?

When I was writing ßoyofHopef
I used to eat carrots.

-Right. Like the boy who was hanged.
-Yes.

-Is that where you got the idea from?
-No. That was historica[ factr

from the British Libraryr et cetera.

-You didn't make it up?
-No. Not at a[[.

But moving on to your

what's your regimer eating-wise?

I keep boi[ed eggs
in a bow[ in a drawer.

-Do you?
-Yeahr for snacking.

Because it's important to keep
one eye on fibre content.

Ear[y on in the writing of the bookr
I got that bad[y wrong

and I spent four days without going.

-That's a [ong time.
-my c[eaner said I turned ye[[ow.

In the endr I was so desperate

Ijust knocked back two pints
of mi[k of magnesia.

-And did that work?
-Ohr yeah.

Christr yeah.

Be carefu[ what you wish for.
I meanr I passed out.

Ijust thank God
I was in a forestr by a river.

I burnt my c[othesr waited
ti[[ it was dark and thenjust ran home.

Moving on to a question
of [iterary sty[er

at moments in the book
you switch to the present tense.

-Yeah.
-And Ijust wondered

whyyou decided to do that?

Nowr this is a technique
I borrowed from Andy mcNabr

who was actua[[y the first person
ever to do it in a book.

So instead of sayingr "At midnightr
they started shooting at mer" he'd sayr

"It's midnight. They're shooting at me."

It makes the reader sit up and gor
"Ohr my Godr is this happening now?"

-Mmm.
-And... Yeah.

Umr okayr we[[r
[et'sjoin our book group nowr

to see what they thought of this device.

-Over to you.
-Yeahr goodr I thought.

-Thank you.
-I wasn't quite sure...

I didn't think it was
a[[ that he[pfu[r the devicer

having read the bookr A[an.

You haven't read the book? A bit rich to
start criticising it if you...

I said "having read the book".

-What?
-"Having read the book."

Ohr right.

Carry on.

I meanr the one thing
that [eaps out is thisr thisr um...

we[[r your preoccupation with formr

in the sense that
there's this constant tinkering

with ther umr the author's voice.

It sort of [urches between sty[es ofr
you knowr tone and sentimenta[ity.

-It's a[most schizophrenicr if you [ike.
-Schizophrenic? Right.

I've been ca[[ed... I mean...

Whatr [ike someone
who dresses up as their mum

and stabs peop[e in the bathroom?

No. Nor schizophrenic
in the sense that...

I don't want to stab anyone to death.
You know. We[[r uh...

I'd quite [ike to

stab you to death.
Sorryr I take that back.

I think what he's askingr A[anr isr
have you put on an antic disposition?

Is there a method to your madness?

To be or not to ber that same p[ay.
You two shou[d get together.

You sound [ike Rosencrantz and
Gui[densteinr a coup[e of Danish Jews.

Sorryr I take that back.

Umr we[[r you seemed to pour a [ot
of yourse[f into the book.

Wou[d you sayyou are
an emotiona[ person?

Surer sure. I can cry
for a[[ sorts of reasons. Sadnessr

onionsr racismr not b[inkingr um...

main[y sadness. And onions.

Okayr [et's have a question.

Umr yesr you.
P[easer the [ady over there.

Who wou[d you [ike
to p[ayyou in a fi[m?

Ooh! Can't pretend
I haven't thought about this.

Damian Lewisr the ginger actor.
Or "gactor".

Uh... I [ove wordp[ay.

Uhr dye his hairr
make him s[ight[y [ess smugr

-that's me 1O years ago.
-Thank you. Next questionr p[ease. Yes.

So how did you ce[ebrate
when the book came out?

Tenpin bow[ing. Next question.

-Your sir.
-The tit[er I Par.r'r.ídgef

has been ca[[ed need[ess[y grandiose...

Thank you very much.

Umr the [ady second row
from the back. Yes.

Are you p[anning on writing
any more books?

I am p[anning on penning a nove[
about the Tír'anícf

which I'm hoping wi[[ be ready for
the 11Oth anniversary of the disaster.

Does fee[ [ike a story
that's quite we[[-worn...

-mine asksr "What if?"
-mmm.

What if the ship hadn't crashed?

In my versionr
someone's gone back in time

and insisted that the boat
be bui[t with a doub[e hu[[.

Uhr so even if the iceberg
penetrates the outer hu[[r

the boat wi[[ sti[[ be af[oat.

But a doub[e hu[[ a[so means
the cost of the boat wou[d go up.

What wou[d that mean?
Higher ticket pricesr

therefore fewer passengers
andr of courser fewer fata[ities.

But sure[yr if it has a doub[e hu[[r
there'd be no fata[ities anyway.

Theyr they get to New York
in record time

but the captain is arrested
for breaking the speed [imit.

And in court the captain saysr
"I know I was breaking the speed [imitr

"but what if I'd gone s[ower
and hitr sayr

-"an iceberg?"
-Right.

And he te[[s the authorities that he had
a nightmare in Southampton...

-Which is where the boat [eft from.
-I know.

...about the boat sinkingr

and that is what we know
to have actua[[y happened.

But to himr it's a dream.

Its rewriting historyr it's about
how we shou[d take a more

epicurean approach to [ife?

Yes. Andr and...

it's a[so about the UK government's
attack on motorists

through the wi[[y-ni[[y use
of speed cameras.

So it's both epicurean
and anti-speed camera?

Yes.

Now in our next extract
from I Par.r'r.ídgef

-A[an rea[ises that...
-(GLASS CRUNCHES)

-...fame has a dark side.
-Shit!

I've stood on... I've broken...
I've stood on my g[asses.

This is an account of
a rea[ fight I had with a mad fan.

"Maxwe[[ twists my arm and
fixes me in a head[ock. C[ever.

"He knows that one wrong move from me
and my head wi[[ be ripped c[ean off.

"I have to act fast. Quick as a f[ashr
I e[bow him in the nutsr

"nodding as I hear the satisfying
thud of bone on g[and.

"I've turned his testic[es into a coup[e
of bo[[ock pancakes and it fee[s good.

"'Wou[d you [ike [emonjuice
with themr sir?' I roar inside my head.

"Nor maxwe[[r A[an Partridge
isn't ready to dier notjust yet.

"Despite the fact that my wife has [eft
me and my kids rare[y take my ca[[sr

"I have a wife and kids to [ive for.

"At this point he's sti[[ doub[ed up.

"I charge over and bangr bangr

"head-butt him twice in the back.
He screeches [ike an a[[ey cat.

"'Looks [ike I've got the kidneysr
then!' I roarr sti[[ inside my head.

"I quick[y consider my next attack.
'Time for a bunch of fivesr' methinks.

"Looking aroundr I see
maxwe[[ catching his breath.

"Thenr [ike an anima[ rearing up
on its hind [egsr

"or [ike a human being standing upr

"he stands up.
I send a command to my brain.

"Instant[y the fingers of my right hand
start to cur[ inwards.

"Within secondsr a fist has been formed.

"I [aunch it direct[y
at my assai[ant's eye.

"'De[ivery for mr maxwe[[!' I roarr

"this time remembering
to say it out [oud.

"'Rea[[y? What is it?'
his furrowed brow seems to ask.

"'A knuck[e sandwich!' my fist rep[ies.

"Somehow recovering from the force
of the b[owr maxwe[[ picks up a chair

"and swings it at my brain.

"I duckr thwarting him with
the sheer speed of my knee bend.

"Now on my haunchesr I have an idea.

"Tucked my head into my chestr
I [aunch into a ferocious forward ro[[.

"It skitt[es the insane super-fan
in the b[ink of an eye.

"For severa[ minutesr
we thrash around on the f[oor

"[ike Tarzan and that crocodi[e.
I am Tarzanr he's the croc.

"If I'm honestr the ro[[ing around
does [itt[e to advance the fight

"and causes neither of us any injuries.

"We get back to our feet.
maxwe[[ now has me by the throat.

"We both know
we're entering the endgame.

"He seems to think he's got me.

"I can see it on his ug[y mugr
but he's not counted on one thing. Pow!

"I f[oor him with a c[assic
one-inch punch.

"Textbook stuffr a rea[ gut-buster.

"With maxwe[[ fighting for airr

"I see my chance
and make haste for the exit.

"Before I can catch my carr
he's giving chaser

"in his hand some sort of weapon.
I don't get a chance to [ook proper[yr

"but my hunch is that it is either a gun

"or the brush from a dustpan and brush.

"By now maxwe[[ is a[most upon us.
I swive[ on my hee[s

"and begin to sprintr [eaping over
a six-foot sti[e [ike it isn't there.

"Ijust manage to stagger
to a pub[ic phone box.

"I ca[[ my assistant

"and te[[ her to Ar co[[ect my car
and Br dea[ with maxwe[[ persona[[y.

"Hanging upr I s[ump against
the side of the phone box

"and s[ide into a heap on the f[oorr

"the ca[[ing cards of a hundred
[oca[ whores raining down mer

"on top of mer
[ike big drops of prostitute rain.

"I begin to weep. I have cheated death.

"I am free."

One of the peop[e you acknow[edge at
the start of the book is Prince Char[es.

-Why was that?
-We[[ HRH is

a[ways someone
I've fe[t great affinity with.

I fu[[y support his views on
architecturer whatever they may be.

And I [ove his
Duchy Origina[s vani[[a ice cream.

At first I thought it was too sweetr
but I was wrong.

It's not too sweet. Of course it's not
too sweet. Why wou[d he do that?

A [ot of recent autobiographies
contain exp[icit portraya[s

of sexua[ encounters.

Yours [ess so. What I want to know is

are you averse to writing about
sexua[ity and sensua[ity?

I'm not preoccupied
with sexua[ity and sensua[ityr

nor do I shy away
from sexua[ity and sensua[ity.

So do you exp[ore
sexua[ity and sensua[ity?

Certain passages broach sexua[ity
and sensua[ityr yes. With women.

And that's a[[ it is with.

You say thatr but apart
from the episode with G[en Ponder...

What... How's that to do
with sexua[ity and sensua[ity?

-We[[r you spent the night with him.
-That wasn't sexua[.

Was it sensua[?

I don'tr don't think so.

But these daysr

if I see an attractive woman
on a petro[ station forecourtr

I'[[ think nothing of striding overr
inviting her for coffee

andr if she agreesr I'[[ park up by
the cash machine unti[ she's fi[[ed upr

then I'[[ head to the nearest Starbucks
and she'[[ trai[ me there.

And women actua[[y
agree to thisr do they?

Nor not genera[[y.
Butr you knowr when you're over 5O

you have to accept
a degree of humi[iation.

It's a numbers gamer isn't it?

If you run into a chicken shed

with a truncheon and a bin bagr
you're not going to get them a[[.

Wou[d you care to give us
one fina[ extract from your book?

A[an Partridger
thank you very much indeed.

And I'm afraid it's time to c[ose
Open ßooksfor another week.

Join us next week when our guest wi[[ be
agricu[tura[ historian Andrew Beeston.

And there'[[ be another exciting
opportunity for you to win $5O

of book tokens
in our 1O-second review competition.

Last week's prize was won
by Gi[es Fisher in Ho[t

for his review of Fífr'yShades ofGr.ey

He wroter "As addictive as drugsr
this is a nove[ which wi[[ obsess your

"possess your distress you and
undress you. An unwor[d[y treat."

I've been Chris Bea[e. Good night.

(SPEECH INAUDIBLE OVERTHEmE mUSIC)