All language subtitles for Gilmore Girls S07E11 1080p WEB-DL DD+ 2.0 x264-TrollHD_track3_[und]

Previously
On "Gilmore girls"...

Look --
It's liz's new baby.

I've decided that april and I
Are gonna move to new mexico.

They've known each other
Since freshman year.

You guys are friends?
You know each other?

She's my kid, all right?
She's our kid.

She's not just yours.

What is your problem
With a wedding?

We're already married.

You planned a whole huge wedding
With that diner guy.

"That diner guy"?

The court only cares
What's best for april.

In these types of cases,

They almost always side
With the mother.

She doesn't want
To see you.
Let me explain --
Please.

[ gasps ] Ooh!

The redcoats are coming!
The redcoats are coming!

The redcoats are coming!

Whoa, whoa.
Hold on there, missy.

Got to put on
Your jacket first, okay?

Hi!
Hi!

I'm so mad at you!
What kind of greeting
Is that?

What kind of daughter

Doesn't let her mother
Pick her up at the airport?

The kind who parks her car
At the airport car park.

I'm the kind of mother
Who picks her daughter up

With flowers and coffee
And a fake chauffeur's sign.

Why would you mess
With my sense of self?

My car was parked
At the airport car park.

I could have driven to
The airport, brought you back.

We both could have driven to
Pick up your car and come here.

'cause that wouldn't be
A waste of gas.

Oh, god.
Did you pack big ben?

I still think
It was kind of risky.

What's risky?
You've spent a lot of time
Across the pond.

You might forget which side
Of the road to drive on.

It was a near escape.

Hey!
Welcome home!

The redcoat
Is here!

Hi, dad!

How are you doing?
Good.

Hi, little sister.

Oh, hello.
Okay. Oh.

Oh. Well, all right.
[ laughs ]

So, you made it here
Okay?
Yeah.

I was thinking --
All that time in england,

You might forget which side
Of the road to drive on.

Hey, don't steal
My material.

What do you mean,
Your material?
I just made that joke.

That's my joke.

If you just made it,
You ripped me off.

I ripped you off?

That's like saying lenny bruce
Rips off carrot top

Or woody allen gets his material
From what's his name --

The guy
With the watermelons.

I did not rip you off --
No way, no how, sister.

I made that joke this morning
At breakfast.

We were sitting there.
We were drinking coffee.

Guys, not that
That's not a hilarious joke,

But the guy at the car park
Made the same one.

Hey, g.G., would you want
To take this inside for me?

Come on, geege.

Ohh! You took
The christmas lights down.

I didn't
Take them down.

I haven't put them up yet.
I saved christmas for you.

We said we were gonna wait
And do christmas together.

Okay, yeah, but --

What are those?

What are what?

Are those a christmas present
From logan?

No, I mean --
Well, yeah,

But it's more like a late
Birthday/new year's present.

Stop sniffing me.

I smell christmas cookies.

There's no way you can smell
Cookies from six days ago.

So there were
Christmas cookies.
There may have been
A little christmas.

Unbelievable!

London, as a city,
Is very christmas-obsessed.

I couldn't help
What was going on around me.

But inside, I assure you,

I was devoid of the christmas
Spirit -- a complete scrooge.

I didn't let any christmas
Happen.

I grinched it up so hard,
I didn't let it snow.

It hasn't snowed yet?

Thanks to me thinking of you
And our agreement.

You stopped the snow?

Sheer force of will.

We said
We would have no christmas,

So I had no christmas.

You must have had
A little christmas.
None.

No presents?
No presents.

No tree?
No tree.

No eggnog?
No egg, no nog.

I sat in the dark with
The lights off and ate gruel.

Okay, mom,
I hereby apologize

For any accidental christmas
Celebrating I may have done.

I'm now ready to celebrate
Christmas for real.

Yeah? Okay!

So, you stopped the snow?

Yeah.
I did an anti-snow dance.

It was humiliating, but I had
Made a promise to my daughter.

Humiliating?

Two words -- coconut bra.

* if you're out
On the road *

* feelin' lonely
And so cold *

* all you have to do
Is call my name *

* and I'll be there
On the next train *

* where you lead,
I will follow *

* anywhere that you tell me to

* if you need

* if you need

* you need me to be with you

* I will follow

* oh, oh, oh

* where you lead,
I will follow *

* any, anywhere
That you tell me to *

* if you need

* if you need

* you need me to be with you

* I will follow where you lead

Where am I taking this?
Lorelai: living room.

Rory: I love our trees!
G.G.: me too!

You don't think our trees
Are...Maybe a little homely?

Homely?!
I'm just saying.

What are you saying?

Our trees are not
Classically good-looking.

If you were to look up "Tree"
In the dictionary,

You would not find
One of these.

Why would you look up "Tree"
In the dictionary?

So we don't have
Classically good-looking trees.

Look at that tree.

I'm looking.
That tree
Has character.

That tree has earned character
By persevering

Through freezing winters
And forest fires and floods.

This tree's a fighter.

Maniacal woodpeckers
Just pecking at its trunk.

Survivor.

Peck, peck, peck,
Day in and day out.

That tree's a champion.

It smells so good in here
With all our trees.

It's like a dozen
Car air fresheners.

Imagine how good it's gonna be
Once all our trees are here.

This is crazy!

Seven trees.
Which was crazy.

What?
Buck a tree.

Dad, we have to have at least
One tree in the kitchen.

Yeah, dad.

I'm in
A forest of crazy.

Buck a tree.

Genius.

We better be careful,
Or word will get out

And everyone will start
Celebrating christmas

After christmas,
Which will really drive up

The post-christmas
Christmas-tree prices.

Then we'll have to keep
Celebrating later and later.

Before we know it, we'll be
Having figgy pudding in july.

Look! G.G.!

You know who made this?
Rory.

Rory made this when she was
Right about your age.

That's nice.

Someone's not impressed.

She doesn't understand
Abstract art.

Philistine.

Hey, look at this.
Here's santa's clothing.

Wow.
That's seen better days.

Why do you have
Santa's clothes?

Because...I...Used to do
Santa's dry cleaning.

You did? Wow.

I know.

Okay,
Everybody can relax.

There's now a christmas tree
In the kitchen.

Thank you.

Oh! My antlers!
I love my antlers!

Oh, neat!

Let me try!

On vixen!
On blisters!

Kid took my antlers
And she galloped away.

Tell me more about london.

Did everything
Work out with logan

After the whole
Marty/lucy/dinner debacle?

I was pretty angry
For a while,

Especially after he blurted out
All that stuff,

But he apologized a lot

And even admitted
That he was a little jealous,

So I forgave him.

Well, that's good.

Well, plus I realized
A lot of it was my fault.

I was lucy's friend.

I should have been straight
With her about knowing marty.

I can't believe I got suckered
Into that whole thing

For so long.

I don't blame her
For hating me.

Have you
Talked to her now?

I've left messages.

Oh, hon.

Wow! Look at all this!

Yeah, we have
A lot of christmas stuff.

Cool. Mistletoe.

Where are you going?
I'm gonna hang it up
In the doorway.

Oh, that's not
Where it goes.
Where does it go?

We tape it to one of the blades
Of the ceiling fan upstairs.

That way, the kissing
Is more like a sport.

One of our traditions.
That's a tradition?

Our traditions
Are important to us.

What other traditions
Am I in for?

On christmas morning,

We put red and green m&m's
In our cereal.

Down with that.

We string up our stockings
On the banister.

We used to string them up

On the traditional place
Of the fireplace,

But there was
That fire incident,

And they nearly burned
To bits.

Now we put them on little nails
On the banister.

Oh, we always go
To weston's

For a cup of candy-cane coffee,
Which is so delicious.

Delicious.
And we bake cookies.

You bake?

We put on christmas music,
Drink eggnog,

And pretend to bake the cookies
We bought from weston's.

We do, however,
Make our own frosting.

We use a handheld electric mixer
From the dark ages

So that rory
Can continue the tradition

Of licking the beaters.

Yes, a skill which I have
Perfected over the years.

Then on christmas eve,

We leave the cookies out
For santa's reindeer.

Santa prefers gum.

I am very excited
About these traditions,

But because it's our first
Christmas together as a family,

I thought maybe it was time
To start some new traditions.

Like what?

Well, for starters...

I got us these.

Wow.

Oh, they're so big
And flashy.

I got one for each of us.

But we have stockings
Already.

They're a little singed
From the fire,

But they're still usable.

But not stockings
Like these.

That's true.

This will be a new tradition.
I'm gonna hang them up.

You know what else we should do?
We should go caroling.

No.
Are you kidding?

It'll be fun.

It wouldn't be fun
For strangers to hear us sing.

It'd be cruel.
And embarrassing.

Guys,
Carols are beautiful.

* gl-o-o-o-o-o-
O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oria *

* in excelsis deo

Yes, sir. Thank you.

[ telephone beeps ]

Oh. You.

I thought
We were done with you.

Hi, michel.
Is lorelai here?

[ telephone beeps ]

Hey.

Can you tell lorelai that...
Someone is here to see her?

[ telephone beeps ]

Well,
This is awfully awkward.

We should make
Some sort of conversation.

I see your sense of style
Has not changed.

Nope.

I've often wondered,

Does someone in your family
Own a flannel company?

Uh, no.

Oh.

You know what?
I cannot do this.

Let us just stand here and let
The awkwardness wash over us.

Fine by me.

Hi.

Ahh, here she is.

It's been a delight
Chatting with you.

I'm sorry to just barge in
Like this.

That's okay.

Can we talk somewhere?

Um, sure.

[ sighs ]

Anna wants to move
To new mexico with april.

New mexico?

Anna's mother had major surgery,
And she's not doing so well.

And anna wants to be near her,
Which I get.

It's just
I'd like to see april

On some weekends
And vacations.

Of course.

But anna says no.

In fact, right now, she's not
Letting me see april at all,

So I have to fight
For custody,

And I'm going to court.

Wow.
Yeah,
It's the whole thing.

I got to get a lawyer
And wear a tie. It's not fun.

It's good you're doing it,
Though.

Well, I can't not.
I can't not do it.

Right.

So, anyway, um,
The court date is coming up.

And I need
A character reference.

And liz wrote one,
But my lawyer read it,

And he said it was sweet,

But it was filled with all these
Weird childhood anecdotes

That I probably don't want
To share with anyone,

Much less a court of law.

And I need another one, and I
Just don't know who to go to.

And I know
It's an awful lot to ask.

And if it's weird or whatever,
I mean, I totally understand.

Yes.

But if you could, uh...

Yes, I'll do it.

Yeah?

Okay.

All right, well,
This is my lawyer's address,

And you can just mail the letter
Directly to him.

Yeah, and, look,
If you don't mind,

If you could do it
As soon as possible...

The court date's
Right around the corner.

Definitely.

Thanks. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Yeah. Okay,

Well...I'll just...

Thanks.

Sure. I'll get right on it.
I send it to here. Okay.

All right.

Thanks.

Okay.

No, that should do it.
Thanks.

Ugh!
It's hard, huh?

Yeah, the pressure is a lot,
You know?

Yeah, of course.

I just keep thinking
That whatever I write

Might help save luke's
Relationship with his kid,

Which is huge, so the pressure's
Really getting to me --

That and a lack
Of sufficient caffeine.

Of course. Totally.

Plus, it's luke,

And after all you've been
Through, it's got to be hard.

Well, yeah.

You're having to dig up
All those feelings for him.

That can't be fun.
You must be feeling overwhelmed.

I don't think it's about
Digging up my feelings for luke.

I think it's really about
Writing an amazing letter.

The stakes are really high
For him,

And I want it to be something
Amazing and powerful,

Like gettysburg address
Powerful

Or "I have a dream"
Powerful.

So, I'm thinking I'll look
A couple of those up online

And just pop the name "Luke"
In there and be done with it.

Sure. I don't think
Anyone will notice.

All right,
Back to work.

Good luck.

Is it twins?
It's got to be twins.

Is what twins?
Are you...

Pregnant?
You think I'm pregnant?

Yeah, it's not acceptable
To be a plus-sized woman

Who happens to carry
Her weight in her belly.

So you're not --
Oh, gee.

Well, I need new glasses.
I'm sorry.

Of course I'm pregnant.
Turkey with swiss.

[ plates clank ]

Hey! Hey!
What's up with this tip?

Oh, I'm...Sorry.

This is 50%.
I don't need your pity tips.

I'm pregnant,
Not homeless.

April! Hey!

Wow.
What are you doing?

I biked over because --

Oh, my gosh.
Lane is gigantic.

I wouldn't mention that
To lane.

Did you know the gestation
Period for an elephant

Is 22 months?

I wouldn't mention that
To lane, either.

Does your mother know
You're here?

She doesn't have a clue.

I told her I was gonna
Spend the whole day

At the boston museum of science
With melissa and her dad.

And it's perfect
Because mom confirmed things

With melissa's dad
Two days ago.

But yesterday,
I told melissa's dad

That I couldn't come
Because I had gotten the curse,

Which is perfect,

'cause you know how awkward men
Get about menstruation.

It's really great to see you,
But this isn't gonna work.

There's no way
Mom will ever figure it out.

I even read all about
Cotton-topped tamarin monkeys

And the van de graaff
Generator,

So I'll have plenty to tell her
When I get back.

I'm gonna have to
Take you home.

No!
I'm sorry.

Dad, no. Please, no.
I've missed you so much.

I missed you, too.

I haven't seen you
In ages and ages.

Plus, if you take me home now,
Mom will know that I lied,

And I'll get into
So much trouble.

Please?
I don't know.

Here. This is for you.

Merry belated christmas.
Sorry it looks like this.

I couldn't wrap it
In wrapping paper

Without arousing
Maternal suspicions,

If you know what I mean.

Thanks. I actually
Got you something, too.

You did?

Yeah.

So, are you hungry
Or what?

Tuna-fish sandwiches?

That's what
I was thinking, too.

Come on.
Let's go upstairs.

Be very careful
With your needle.

I know.

Because
It's really, really pointy.

I know.

So, what guidelines
Did he give you?

None.
No guidelines whatsoever.

I'm supposed to write
A character reference,

So I thought
I'd reference his character.

Sounds like
You're on the right track.

No, because it turns out
I can't write.

Oh, sure, you can.
No, I can't.

I stare at the blank page,
And I keep staring and staring.

And eventually I have to get up
And lubricate my eyeballs.

Otherwise, they would fall
Out of my head, like raisins.

Well,
Are you using a pen?

You can't just stare
At the paper.

You have to have
A writing implement.

Look.

Very pretty, honey.
What a good job.

You know what I really like?
Your cranberry-to-popcorn ratio.

Rory's more of a 1-to-1 gal,
But I'm like you.

I like a lot of cranberry,
Little popcorn for flair.

Yours is pretty, too.

I have a writing implement.

The problem is that everything
I write sounds so schmucky.

I'm sure that's not true.

We're running low
On cranberries.

"Luke danes is a highly regarded
Member of this community.

Not an ill word can be spoken
Of mr. Danes."

It's like
I'm some documentary narrator

From the history channel.

And you know what phrase
I keep using? "Stand-up."

"Luke danes
Is a stand-up guy.

"He's an upstanding member
Of stars hollow,

A real stand-up citizen."

People are gonna think
He's turned into a comedian.

Sounds like
You're overthinking this.

Maybe if you just
Put pen to paper.

I thought, "I'll just sit down
And write whatever comes --

No judgment,
No inner critic."

Was that a bad idea.

Really? Why?

My brain is a wild jungle
Full of scary gibberish.

"I'm writing a letter.
I can't write a letter.

"Why can't I write a letter?
I'm wearing a green dress.

"I wish I was wearing
My blue dress.

"My blue dress
Is at the cleaners.

"'the germans wore gray.
You wore blue.'

"'casablanca'
Is such a good movie.

"'casablanca.'
The white house. Bush.

"Why don't I drive a hybrid car?
I should drive a hybrid car.

"I should really
Take my bicycle to work.

"Bicycle. Unicycle.
Unitard.

Hockey puck. Rattlesnake.
Monkey, monkey, underpants."

"Hockey puck, rattlesnake,
Monkey, monkey, underpants"?

That's what I'm saying.

It's a big bag of weird
In there.

So, I think
I need inspiration.

I need a muse.
Perhaps I need "The muse."

Maybe it would help if
Sharon stone would appear to me

In an alarming caftan and coo
Inspirational words in my ear.

Just write what you feel.
That's all writing is.

Do you think there might be some
Reason you're having trouble?

I would imagine that writing
About luke wouldn't be easy.

I know --
You should write it.

What? No.
Yes. You are
A wonderful writer.

Everything you write
Is so good.

Your grocery lists
Are like shimmering haikus.

You write a pretty mean
Grocery list yourself.

It just has to be authentic
And real.

Oh! You know
What I'm gonna do?

Write my thing for me.

No, I'm going to
Write a letter to lucy

Explaining
How sorry I am.

That way,
She doesn't have to see me,

And she can just read it
And she'll still know.

And after you do that,
You can write my letter for me.

This is something
You have to write yourself.

What letter?

Uh...To santa.

Wow.

You know
What my problem is?

The whole
Writing-by-hand thing.

What would help is if I got
My old electric typewriter out.

The soothing sound
Of that irritating buzzing --

That's what would help me.

Christopher: I'm home!

So, cranberries
Really stay on the string,

And popcorn
Falls right off.

Hi, sweetie.
Hey, everybody.

Hey, dad.

Hey.

Wow. Look at those.

They're for the trees.

What do you have
In the bag?

No snooping.
This is santa's secret stuff.

Lorelai knows santa.

Oh, yeah?

She does
Santa's dry cleaning.

Well, lorelai
Is a remarkable woman.

[ lorelai chuckles ]

Uh-huh.

Zach:
The yellow squash?

Mrs. Kim:
Yes, they're a delicacy.

We're going to steam them
Along with the broccoli.

Is that adult broccoli? Can you
Do that with baby squash?

Yes, it's very high
In oxidants.

Welcome home, babe.
Welcome home, lane.

We went to the nature mart,
And guess what we got you.

Turnip greens -- they got
A sick amount of folic acid.

What else did we get?
Squash, zucchini, tofu.

Special
Calcium-fortified tofu.

The calcium's real important
Because you're not eating

Some of your previous calcium
Sources, like soft cheese.

You're not eating soft cheese,
Are you?

No. I'm not having
Any soft cheese.

And no sushi?
And no duck.

We don't want the babies
To have webbed feet.

The duck sushi I had for lunch
Was probably a mistake, huh?

I'm kidding, mama.

I am beat.

Today at work,
It was absolutely ridiculous.

Every other customer
Was "Baby" --

I'm gonna tell luke
Tomorrow.

You should
Put your feet up.

I'm fine.

How are your ankles?
They're fine.

You know what I was reading
About? Compression pantyhose.

A lot of pregnant women wear
Them to help with circulation.

Are the babies putting pressure
On your bladder?

I don't know.

How many times
Did you urinate today?

Oh, my god, zach! I am
So not answering that question!

Here are some new
Prenatal vitamins we bought you.

I'm going to put them
On your bedside table.

You have to take two every
Morning the moment you wake up.

Maybe I need
To make you a chart.

I don't need a chart.

I happen to know that you forgot
To take your calcium tablets

For two mornings.

That is not right, lane.

Mama,
You're counting my pills?

Yes, of course.

[ sighs ]

I'm serious about the whole
Compression-pantyhose thing.

I could totally
Pick you up a pair.

Do I relish the prospect

Of being seen skulking
Around the pantyhose aisle?

No. But I'm sure
You don't want varicose veins.

I don't want pantyhose!

Oh. Okay.

I have decided
I will make a chart.

I need a piece of paper,
A ruler, and some magic markers.

I'm serious, mama.
I don't need --

What is that?

Oh, it's the crib
We ordered.

It'll be big enough
For both of them.

Where are my drums?

They're safe.
We put them in the closet.

The closet? You put my drum kit
In the closet?

Yeah,
We needed the space,

And, lane, we haven't had
Band practice for months.

We need to have
Band practice!

Sure. And we will.

Now.

If you want,
We can call gil and brian,

But can you even play?

What do you mean,
Can I play?

I mean,
In your condition.

I can play.

Okay. Cool.

I melted
Three entire candy canes

Into this not-very-large
Cup of coffee,

And still
I can barely taste it.

It's just the vaguest whisper
Of peppermint.

Peppermint.

I could get the same effect
If I put vaporub on my chest

And drank coffee
At the same time.

Peppermint.

How arbitrary is it
To decide

To stop serving candy-cane
Coffee the day after christmas?

Christmas spirit
Is not something

That can be turned off
Like a faucet

On december 26th.

Yeah, it stinks.

On the plus side,

Any chest congestion I had
Is now totally cleared up.

Well, let's go
Christmas-shopping.

Write your letter.

I can't.
I need a treat.

Coming to weston's was supposed
To buck up your spirits.

No, candy-cane coffee
Was supposed to be my treat.

This coffee is no treat.

Let's face it -- this is
Un-candy-cane-coffee coffee,

And it's totally
Un-bucking up my spirits.

So it's decided --
Let's go shopping.

Write.
Rory, I can't.

Ooh. I have an idea.

Excuse me. Hi.
Merry christmas.

Christmas is over.

Okay.
Sue -- pretty name.

I have a hunch

That there's some of the secret
Candy-cane-coffee mix

Just sitting
In the back there,

And I wonder if I could
Make it worth your while

If you and I could come
To some sort of arrangement.

We stop selling candy-cane
Coffee when christmas is over.

I'm not talking
About selling it.

I'm talking about maybe if you
Misplaced a canister or two.

Misplaced?

Misplaced.

Honey.
Yes?

Christmas is over.
Okay.

Are we
Gonna talk about this?

About what?

Why are you lying to dad?

I'm not lying.

He walked into the kitchen,
And you started prattling on

About popcorn
And cranberries.

I wasn't prattling.

Come on, let's blow
This popsicle stand.

[ sighs ]

You're not telling him about
This character-reference thing.

I haven't yet.
And you're not planning to.

You're intentionally
Not telling him.

That's kind of
A lie of omission.

Isn't that an ashley judd/
Morgan freeman movie?

If there's anything
To be learned

From this thing with lucy,

It's that honesty
Is the best policy.

It's an okay policy.

How do you expect to have
Any kind of relationship

If you're not honest
With him?

Honey, I have been around
A long time, okay?

I wore leggings
The last time they were trendy.

I knew tom hanks
When he was a bosom buddy.

I have lived,
And I have learned.

And I understand
That you value honesty,

And I applaud that value.

But sometimes the truth
Is a little more complicated.

More complicated how?

More complicated.

We don't have to talk
About this.

But I want you to tell me
What's going on.

Things with dad are great.
They're better than great.

It's just that...

What?

He's been a bit on edge
About luke.

I ran into luke outside doose's
The other day,

And dad saw me
Holding liz's baby.

And it just wasn't great.
It wasn't great timing.

And this whole mom having
The not-a-wedding-party thing

Caused tension,
And we argued.

So I just want to be sensitive
And not worry him

About something
He doesn't need to worry about.

Well, that makes sense.

But everything
Is gonna be fine.

Better than fine --
It's gonna be great.

Well, you know, mom, I've been
Around for a while, too.

I remember tom hanks from his
"Joe versus the volcano" days.

Yeah, you were like 5.

But the point is,
I'm not a kid anymore.

You don't have to create
This whole christmas illusion

Where everything in the world
Is magical and fine.

It's okay if it's not.

You still believe in santa,
Though, right?

Your best dry-cleaning client?
Of course.

April:
A little to the right.

Okay. Too far.
A little to the left.

How's that?

Good. It really livens up
Your apartment.

It's a very lively mask.
Thanks again, april.

I love it.
I really do.

It's based on my real face.

Oh, yeah?

Not the outside,
But the inside.

I made it in art class,

And I had to lie still
With straws up my nose

While a partner put
Plaster strips on my face.

I suffer for my art.

Anyway, this kid evan, he got
Liz alderman as a partner,

Who's a total wild child.

And she laid the plaster strips
All willy-nilly

And ended up
Pulling off half his eyebrows.

Oh, that's not good.

Actually, liz alderman's
On my swim team now.

She's got these huge feet, which
Coach bennett finds promising.

Like built-in flippers.

Hopefully they kick in --
No pun intended --

Before our big swim meet
In may.

May 15th. 10 different clubs
Are sending teams.

It's gonna be amazing.

I hear they have really great
Swim teams in new mexico.

Yeah, right.

New mexico is
A barren, dusty desert,

And they probably don't even
Have water to swim in.

In hot climates, they actually
Have more swimming pools.

I bet you a lot of kids there
Will be really into swimming.

Then they're probably
Too good for me.

The only reason
I get to do so many events

Is 'cause everyone on my team
Stinks worse than I do.

Go on.

All right, go ahead and open up
Your christmas present.

Are you trying to bribe me
Out of a bad mood

With the offer
Of material goods?

'cause I'm amenable
To that.

[ gasps ]

Wow!
A rock polisher!

Thanks so much.

You like it?

It's the perfect present.

You hinted at it
Pretty hard,

So I figured
It might be the right thing.

It is. It is.

But, dad, I already got
A rock polisher from grandma.

Oh. Well, then it's not
The perfect present.

No, it is. It is.

This one looks more powerful
Than the one I already have.

Plus, who couldn't use
Two rock polishers?

Yeah?

Sure. You should see
My rock collection right now.

I've practically got a quarry
In my bedroom --

Granite, of course,

But also feldspar,
Quartz, mica, limestone.

Cool.
I know.

I've been biking over
To beacon falls

And going rock-hunting
Around naugatuck river.

I found an arrowhead
In almost perfect condition.

It's so sharp,

I'd get in trouble
If I brought it to school.

You know, if you're
Interested in arrowheads,

New mexico
Has some incredible places --

Dad.

Okay. Okay.

Let's open this thing.

Christopher: hey!
I'm done with the lights.

Do you want
To see them now,

Or you want to wait
Till after dark?

Uh, I will wait --
To get the full effect.

What you got there?

Uh, nothing.

Just some of
Santa's secret stuff.

Oh, yeah?
What did you get me?

A maserati.

It's amazing how a maserati
Can fit behind the bed.

I haven't
Put it together yet,

Which reminds me --
Do you have any masking tape?

You're gonna assemble
The maserati with masking tape?

Don't ask questions!
It's santa's workshop!

Rory!

We have to go shopping,
Get your dad a maserati!

So I spun the record
For a week straight,

Because who wouldn't want
To listen to art brut

For a week straight?

Pass me your lyrics.

Yeah. Here they are.

As far as I'm concerned,

"Formed a band" could be
The new national anthem.

I could literally stand
And cover my heart if asked.

Brian?

Brian?

[ cymbal crashes ]

Whoa!

What's going on here, babe?
Everything okay?

You got to watch
The loud noises.

Loud noises? We're about to
Play rock music, zach.

Oh, check out
The mandolin.

Yeah, right.
She's a beaut, huh?

Cool. What kind of stuff
You been working on?

Mostly I've just been
Messing around.

I wrote one song that was kind
Of white stripes' "Little ghost"

Meets the decemberists
Meets gulag orkestar

Meets, like,
"Losing my religion"

Meets jethro burns
On that steve goodman album

Meets "Battle of evermore"
Meets the smiths

Meets...
Some other stuff.

That's a lot of meeting.

Exactly.

Whoa.

Okay, this is eerie.

You see the way
I'm holding my mandolin.

It's exactly one of
The baby holds I've learned.

See how I have it
In the crook of my arm

With its head supported?

That's how you're
Supposed to hold a baby?

One of the ways.

Lane, I wish your mom was here.
This is so "Rock-a-bye, baby."

Fascinating.

There are different ways
To officially hold a baby?

Yeah, sure --
You got your "Hello, world,"

Where you put the baby's back
To your stomach

And put your hand under here
For support.

You got your belly hold,

Where you put the baby's chest
Down along one of your forearms.

This is really great
For gassy babies.

Then you got your fruit basket,
Which is --

[ knock on door ]
Finally.

[ laughs ]

Hey, hey, hey!

How we doing?

Long time no see.

Gil, how's it hangin'?

It's hangin' great, my friend.
So, check it out.

This is the youngest
Of my brood -- macon.

Macon, this is the band.

What up?

The sitter flaked, and I got
Macon the bacon under my wing.

Sorry for
The short notice,

But I figured you guys would be
A little more understanding

Being that
You're in the family way.

Speaking of which...

Whoa!
Check you out, lane.

You are some kind
Of serious fertility goddess.

Thanks.

Zach, nice work, man.

I thought we should warm up
By practicing our old songs.

Then zach could show us

What he's been doing
With the mandolin.

The mandolin.

[ notes play ]
* na-na-na-na-na-na-na

Right on.

Oh, man!
You got the alcmere 3000!

The what?
The breast pump.

I'm psyched
You guys picked this one.

It's really gentle.

My wife's
Got sensitive nipples.

This one
Didn't bum her out at all.

You use that to pump...

Milk. Sure.

That's if you choose to go
The breast-feeding route.

You guys, I'm sure
Brian is not interested in this.

Breast-feeding, huh?

I mean, some people
Go with the formula deal,

Which is cool, too.

Actually, for baby number two,
We did use formula.

I mean, if you use formula,
The old lady can smoke, drink,

Eat as many tacos
As she wants -- no problemo.

You hear that, babe?

Yeah. Tacos.
Thrilling.

Why can't they make books
Out of something lighter?

Lighter than paper?
I'm being punished
For being generous.

That's what you get for having
So many smart friends.

I think
We're doing well.

I think we're done.

Do we have something
For babette?

The needlepoint pillow
With the sassy saying.

It's kind of impressive when
People curse in needlepoint.

There's something laborious
About it.

I got cologne for michel and
The same cologne for my mother.

Weird.

Well, they'll both hate
Whatever I give them,

So I figured, why spend time
Picking out doomed gifts?

Then I have whatever
Williams-sonoma sold me

For sookie -- a butter slicer,
A bread warmer/wine maker.

Well, I'm sure she'll love
Her butter slicer.

If that's even
What it is.

They could attach a stone
To a piece of string

And call it a poultry pounder,
And I'd shell out 35 bucks.

I guess all we need
Is dad.

I really want to get him
Something great.

We have the sweater.

And the really heavy book.

But I want to get him something
That he'll really love.

Well, we will.
We'll find something.

We have a whole mall here
Full of post-christmas prices.

Guys are tricky,
But your dad's really tricky.

What does he need?
What does he want?

Perhaps a poultry pounder.

Plus,
He is my husband now.

I've never bought something
For a husband.

I wish they had a special store
For husband stuff.

Hey!

Huh.

What do you think?
Maybe.

I think he'd love it.
Come on.

Oh, look at this one.

Oh!

Doesn't work so good inside,
Though.

Solar systems,
50% off!

That's not just
A post-christmas sale.

That's a post-pluto sale.

Poor pluto.
Oh, poor pluto.

Hey, um, it's luke.

Hmm?

Hi.

I guess we should...

Yeah.

Oh! Hey!

Hey.
Hey, rory.

Hey, luke.
Hey, april.

Hey. Hey.

Hi.
Hi, april.

Hi.

April showed up at the diner
Today out of the blue.

You make it sound like
Pearl harbor or something.

No, I mean, it was a surprise --
A nice surprise.

So, how's it going?

It's -- I'm almost done.

Done?

You're not talking about
The letter.

You're just asking
In general.

I meant, how's it going?

Good. I'm good.
We're good.

Hey, I like your sweaters.
They're very festive.

Thank you.
It's christmas for us.

Rory was in london, so we waited
To do christmas together.

Of course you did.

Sir,
Do you have a return?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So, april,
How was your christmas?

Well, I'm 60% atheist
And 40% agnostic,

So christmas isn't really
A big deal for me.

Oh, really?
60/40, huh?

More of
A winter solstice gal?

Exactly.

You went to london
By yourself?

I wasn't exactly by myself.
I met my boyfriend there.

Oh. Meeting a lover in
A foreign city -- how glamorous.

I can't wait to be grown up
And glamorous

And make my own decisions
About where I go and when.

Being a kid is the pits
Sometimes.

It sure is.

Oh, thanks.

What'd you get?

Well, my dad got me
The greatest present ever --

A rock-polishing kit --
But I had already gotten it

From my grandma,
Who's very into christmas.

So we exchanged it
For this microscope,

Which is also
The greatest present.

Good.
Wow. That's great.

My dad's always been
A great gift giver.

I don't know
If I was always considered good

At picking out presents,
Right, rory?

Oh, no,
You've always been great.

Towels?

You meant well.

You gave her towels?
For my birthday.

I had them monogrammed.
I thought it was cool.

You went through
Quite the monogramming phase.

I believe you received
Monogrammed pencils,

A monogrammed mug,
A monogrammed backpack,

And a monogrammed belt.

No one ever tried
To steal that belt.

Those were my favorite towels.
I still have the washcloth.

That's hilarious.

Remember the year you got me
The unicorn marionette?

You didn't like
The unicorn marionette?

I've never really been
That into unicorns.

I thought
You loved that.

I was being polite.

Being polite
Can be dangerous.

Yes,
It totally backfired,

Because for the next five years,
I only got unicorn items --

Unicorn sweatshirt,
Unicorn pencil case,

Bumper sticker --
"I brake for unicorns."

You were always so nice.
You never forgot my birthday.

And every holiday, there was
A monogrammed unicorn item.

I'm not really into unicorns,
Either.

Well, I'm glad to know it.

We should get going.
I got to get you home, kiddo.

Well, we have to buy up
All the pluto stuff.

It's really gonna be
A collector's item.

Bye, you guys.

Bye.
Have a merry christmas.

Merry christmas.

Honey, let me carry that.
No, thank you.

I'm perfectly capable
Of carrying a bag of groceries.

Nutter butters?
I put those back on the shelf.

I took them
Off of the shelf.

Your mom doesn't think you
Should be eating many cookies.

Enough about my mom, okay?
I'm so sick of her.

She's been pretty great, lane.
She cooks for us, cleans for us.

She's a total fount
Of baby information.

Maybe you should have married
My mom, then, okay?

Well, I'm sure
When your mom was younger...

Hey, I'm just saying,
She's a handsome woman.

I'm just saying that
I bet when she was younger,

She used to look
A little like you --

Shorter hair, no glasses,
Maybe a bit more crabby.

Well, I'm sick of her.

That's kind of harsh.

I am.
I'm sick of it all.

I'm sick of being treated
Like I'm not a person,

Like I'm some incubator whose
Puffy ankles and varicose veins

And bathroom habits
Are up for discussion.

On what planet
Is it appropriate

To ask a person how many times
A day she urinates?

You can ask me.
I don't want to ask you.

Six times today so far.
I had a lot of coffee.

I'm sick of being told
What to eat and what I shouldn't

And what side
I should sleep on.

I'm a person, zach.
I'm an adult.

I don't want to be hiding things
Under the floorboards

And behind cushions again.

That's no good. Plus, we're
Starting to get ants and mites.

I don't want everything
To change

Just because we're having
These babies.

But things are going to change.
There's no getting around it.

Really, really soon,
We're gonna have two babies --

Two alive human sons.

It was such a small window --
A peephole, really.

For years,
I was this repressed kid,

And then there was
The briefest of windows.

And then -- slam.

All of a sudden,
I'm this overburdened mother.

I barely got to do it,
Zach.

I barely got the chance
To be a person.

You can still be a person
And still be rock 'n' roll.

Having babies doesn't mean
You can't be rock 'n' roll.

I don't know.

Sonic youth has a kid,
And they're still way cool.

And mick jagger --
That cat has like 15 kids,

And he still goes out
And rocks.

Yeah, I guess.

The man rocks hard,
And then he makes another kid.

I don't want to make
Any other kids ever.

All I'm saying is,
We can still go out and play.

That's
One of the cool things

About having your mother
Around -- built-in babysitter.

Yeah.

I just don't think I can bear
Having her around all the time.

What if she hung out with us
On the weekends

And spent the week
Back at her pad?

Yeah, I guess
That'd be all right.

Let me carry that bag
For you.

I had such a good time
With you today.

I was thinking
That tuesdays after school,

I could tell mom
That I have chess club.

And I really only have
Chess club once a week,

But I could pretend
It's twice a week.

As soon as school's over,
I could bike

Halfway to stars hollow,
And you could meet me.

I could hide in the bushes
And do prearranged bird calls,

Like a mourning dove
Or something --

A "Coo-roo coo-roo coo-roo"
As a signal.

Yeah, I don't think so.

I don't need to do
The bird calls.

It wouldn't be right, april.
We can't lie to your mother.

Your mother and I are not
Totally seeing eye to eye

On certain things,

And so we're sort of
In negotiations

To figure out how to share
Our parenting responsibilities.

Do you have
A good lawyer?

You better have a good one,
'cause mom hired a shark.

We're gonna figure that out.
Don't worry about it, okay?

But the court case is the reason
That it's really important

That we do everything honestly
And aboveboard.

Yeah.
I guess that makes sense.

Okay. So...What should we do
With the microscope?

Keep it.

I'll use it the next time
I'm over -- soon.

Okay.

You can set it up
If you want.

Just make sure that
You always remove the slide

Before you rotate the lenses,
Or you can grind things up.

And always carry it
With a hand under the base.

I'll be very careful.

Bye.

Bye.

Don't forget
To put your helmet on.

* I'll be home for christmas

* you can plan on me

* please have snow
And mistletoe *

* and presents on the tree

Christopher: look at this --
Liquid sugar.

It's good for you,
This stuff.

You think?

You like the red
Or the green?

Red? Red the best?

I like red, too.

Little. Little.

Rory: that's dripping.

That's dripping.

You're making a mess, dad.

I'm not very good
With the cookies.

And what do we say
If anyone asks?

We made cookies
By scratching.

[ laughs ]
"From scratch."

From scratching.

Well,
Let's hope nobody asks.

Hey, g.G.,
You want to lick the beater?

Yeah.
Here you go.

Hey.

Hey. We're making some cookies
By scratching.

That sounds appetizing.

I'm gonna run out for a sec.
I'll be right back.

"Christmas in july" screening
In 30 minutes.

Thought we'd start
A new tradition.

Sounds good.

G.G., I think we need
Some of the colors.

Can you put some sprinkles
On that one?

You want to decorate
That one?

* please have snow

[ mailbox door creaks ]

* and mistletoe

* and presents on the tree

* christmas eve will find me