All language subtitles for Im.Alan.Partridge.S01E01.A.Room.With.An.Alan.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor

Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell,

in which she complains
that they paved Paradise
to put up a parking lot,

a measure which, actually, would
have alleviated traffic congestion
on the outskirts of Paradise,

something which Joni fails to point
out, perhaps because it doesn't fit
her blinkered view of the world.

It's 4.35am. You're listening to
Up With The Partridge.

COCK CROWS

Now it's time
for Alan's fact of the day.

Crabsticks do not
actually contain any crab.

Since 1993,
manufacturers have had to label
them "crab-flavoured sticks".

Another one of those
same time tomorrow.

Radio Norwich! The best music!

Pray silence, please,
for the Electric Light Orchestra!

The string back gives you
a bit of extra purchase.

Time to hand over to mein breakfast
host David Clifton. ..Good morning.

Good morning, Mr Alan Partridge.

I heard your phone-in.

That chap from Swaffham was whacky.
He was.

I think he was a bit simple.

You were laying into the criminals.
Vandals get your car again? 'Fraid
so. Third time. Subhuman scum.

..OK, it's 7am. Wakey, wakey,
it's The Breakfast Show!
Here's Yazoo.

Lynn, message from Alan.
Something to pitch to Tony Hayers
at BBC lunch, Friday.

Idea for film extravaganza.
Plot thus...

Malcolm McDowell is trapped
in the future, being pursued
by a cyberpunk from the past,

played by Rutger Hauer.

This is a terrible idea...

I've not thought it through.
I'll call you back.

# She's a killer queen...

# Guaranteed to blow your mind... #

Good morning, Alan.
How are you today? Classic Queen!

Very well. How are you? Fine.
Like those earrings.

They gold? Yes, rolled gold. That's
not really gold, is it? Very nice.

They're like little wax tears
dripping sadly from your ears.

..Don't cry, ears. You're
on the side of a lovely head.

Good show this morning? It was
a belter. Did you hear it? No.

Oh. Any messages?

Just the one - from Bill Oddie. He
leave a message? No. He never does.

I'm afraid
I've got some very bad news. Oh?

I'm leaving you, YOU COW! Sorry,
bit of a joke that. It backfired.

I'm going to be checking out
at the end of the week.

Are you going back to your wife?
Carol? Oh, God, no!

She's living
with the fitness instructor.

He provides all her sexual...
intercourse.

Sorry, I'm...
Dry skin. I'm flaking again.

I'm sorry about the "cow" earlier.
You're not a cow.

And if you were, you'd be a lovely
Jersey, ripe for milking.

..Just talking about cows.
D'you like milk? No.

Actually, a delicate matter...
PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.
..Sophie, could you deal with this?

Sophie... Mr Partridge.
As you know, at the end of the week,
I'm meeting Tony Hayers at the BBC.

And he is Mr Numero...One.

The problem is I've got
some rude daubings on my car.

Can you still drive the car?
Well, yeah, obv... That's...
Do you know what it says on my car?

Tosser?

No.

No, it's...
You're in the right ball park.

It actually says
"cock piss Partridge".

Is everything all right?

Mr Partridge, em...

has got some rude graffiti on...

Graffiti? In the hotel?

No, there's never any graffiti
here, though in the gents I saw
someone had drawn a lady's part.

It was quite detailed.

The guy obviously had talent.

No, it's on the side of my car.

It says "cock piss Partridge",
which is illegal. Is she new?

Yes, she is. I mean, I'm basically
driving an obscene publication.
I'd love to get the bastard,

or bitch - might be a lady.
Can I take five minutes?
Of course.

Nipping off for a fag? I'll get
Michael to sort your car. OK.

..Talk of the devil. Morning.

Michael, I was just saying
to Susan - bit of a job for you.

Vandals have sworn
all over my car again.

Vandals, Mr Partridge - makes you
wonder what it's all aboot. "Aboot"?

Aye, what is it all aboot?

Oh, "about"! Sometimes,
it's difficult to understand
Geordie...people.

If they had theirselves proper jobs,
they wouldn't be larking at night.

What?

If they had theirselves proper jobs,
they wouldn't dae it.
A lot of them's from broken homes.

Sorry, that was just a noise.

All I got there was "broken homes".
A broken home is not an excuse
for evil. Look at you.

Do you go around drawing
peep-hole bras on the wall? Aye,
but it was different for me, like -

I was in the Army at 17.
They taught you a trade -
minor repairs. Aye...and killing.

Really? Oh, aye.

I saw some terrible things. Like
three men burning in a tank, going,
"Aaargh!"? You don't want to know.

I'm curious. I'd basically like
to understand man's inhumanity to
man and make a programme about it.

Anyway, regarding the graffiti,
if you could, uh...

kill that, then I'll see you reet,
me old fishy on a dishy.

I'll do, like, a quick fix on it
now... You've gone again. Good
night.

Idea for a programme -
Lady Shapes With Alan Partridge.

I look at the changing shape
of ladies through the ages,

from fat Renaissance chubbies to
hard-faced Cromwellian sourpusses,

right up to 20th-century
well-toned women like Sharron
Davies and Jet from Gladiators.

Jet from Gladiators
to host a Millennium barn dance
at Yeovil Aerodrome.

Properly policed, it must not,
repeat not,
turn into an all-night rave.

DANCE MUSIC

Would you like me to lap dance?

Uh-uh. I want a second series.

KNOCKING

I'll fight you! ..Sorry.

It's me. Sorry. Come in.

Just me. Oh, there's tea in the pot.
Oh, good.

Do you want a cup? Thank you.

What have you got? I've arranged
for you to see a show house at 10.00
Good. Got my fungal foot powder?

It's a life-saver, you know.

I'd effectively be disabled without
it. I also rang all those companies.

Foster's Menswear said yes,
if you get the second series and
you wear one garment a week on air.

Monza said no to a caravan,
but yes to a towbar. I'll take it.

Dolphin Bathrooms? Said they don't
do that sort of thing. Rubbish!
Martyn Lewis got two power showers.

One for him
and one for his brother-in-law.

Right, dry skin cream. Having
an attack of the old flakes again.

This morning,
my pillow looked like a flapjack.

OK, quick practice for this meeting
with Tony Hayers this Friday. Oh.
You be Tony Hayers.

Hello, Tony, how are you? I'm fine.

How are you?
Very busy. I've been working
like a Japanese prisoner of war.

But, er, a happy one, you know?

Would you like a second series
of your chat show?

It'll be tougher than that.
We might give you a second series.
That's about right. Oh.

Small talk. Would you like
a Cuban cigar, Tony? Yes, please.

Rolled on the thighs of a virgin.

I'm being bawdy. Enjoy it.

Uh... Mmm...

Well, er, he might make that noise.
Be a bit weird.

You said you MIGHT give me a second
series. Why is there any doubt?
Things have to be compartmentalised.

For example, in this drawer...

..you, er...you have, er, things,
and, sometimes,
you have too many things.

Abandon that, Lynn.
It's not working.

OK, Doomsday scenario.
You have decided not to give me
another television series. Why?

Be tough. Well, Alan, the ratings
for the first series started poorly
and went downhill from there.

Are you being Lynn or Tony?

Tony. Be Lynn again.

Can I have a second series?
Who am I? Just say yes. Yes.

They were there when I moved in.

'From Swaffham to Cromer on 106.5
and now in Hemsby on 106.9,

'this is Radio Norwich.'

Living room.

Oh, I like this, yes. Certainly
enough room to swing a cat.
You could swing a tiger. You could.

Wouldn't want to, though.

Not unless it had been stunned.
Even then, it weighs nearly a ton.

..Do you like the room?
Oh, yes, very nice.

Lynn's not my wife. Oh...
She's my PA.

Hard worker,
but there's no affection.

So you'd be living alone? Yes.

The best thing I ever did
was getting thrown out by my wife.

She's living with a fitness
instructor who drinks that yellow
stuff in tins. He's an idiot.

Is there a Neighbourhood Watch?
Sorry, I'm very close to you.
I think so. Right, I'll do my stint.

I'd want expenses, though.
Otherwise, people take liberties
and you're mowing their lawn.

Shall we have a look
at the rest of the house? Yep.

Er, one more question.

Quite nearby, I saw a community
centre with a mural on the side.

School for the deaf. Right.
That means there will be noise
or there won't be noise?

Difficult one to figure out. Yeah.
They're just deaf? They're
not deaf offenders? Just deaf.

After you.

..Not you. Get on the phone. Pester
Debenhams for free lamps, shades,
whatever you can blag off them.

This is the kitchen. Oh, lovely. Has
it been distressed? Yeah, it has.

A cast-iron egg tray, lacquered.
Is that included? It's not
a deal-breaker. Just want to know.

Everything here can be kept or not.
Excellent.

Optional. Excellent.

What's this little sink here?

That's a rinser. Get rid of it.

This is the bathroom.
You know what this room says to me?
Aqua - which is French for water.

It's like being inside
an enormous Fox's Glacier Mint,
which again, to me, is a bonus.

It's an extender!

Fantastic!
That's the icing on the cake.

If King Arthur had had an extender
on his table...
It would have been a different story

It wouldn't have been round.

Very Cluedo this house. Colonel
Mustard in the en-suite bathroom
with a lead pipe. Battered.

I do like that toilet.
It's very futuristic,
very sort of hi-tech, space age.

I can imagine Buck Rogers taking
a dump on that in the 21st century.

Mind if I, er, have a go?

Sure. Help yourself.

Mind if I have a go on the loo?
Oh, sorry.

I prefer to go alone. Sure. Fine.

Most times. Thanks.

It flushed on the first yank.
I love this house. Alan...
One yank - gone.

Tony Hayers's office called.
They want the meeting today, 12.30.

When was this? Three minutes ago.
What were you doing for three
minutes? You were on the toilet.

Was I on that long?

In that area.

We're going to have to zip.
Right. OK. ..One more question -
petrol stations nearby?

Shell - quarter of a mile.
Has it got a minimart? Minimart?

Scaled-down supermarket,
fits inside a petrol station.
Sells pies, antifreeze... Yes.

In that case, it's a deal.
I'll take the house.

Are you going to make an offer?
How much is it? It's on at £325,000.

Ooh... Will you take £324,000?

Yeah.

How many bedrooms has it got? Five.
Five!

My five-bedroomed bastard house.
..Right, Lynn,
let's go off to the BBC.

..I'm going to be back on TV. Did
you watch my TV show? Yes. Like it?

Love it. Ah-hah!

What if Tony Hayers sees "cook pass
babtridge" painted on your car?
I'll play it down.

"Partridge" I can understand,
but then "cock" and "piss".

Table for two, sir?
Yes... Sorry. Name of Hayers.

Follow me.

We've rectified it. It now says
"cook" where it once said "cock",

and it says "pass" now,
where it once said "piss",

so it's slightly less rude.

Would you like a drink? Thank you.

Em...I'll have a pint of bitter.

A mineral water for me, please.

Actually, I'll have a mineral water
too. Will you be having wine
with your meal? Not for me. No.

All this wine nonsense! You get
all these wine people, don't you?

Wine this, wine that. Let's
have a bit of red, a bit of white.
Oh, that's a snazzy bouquet.

This smells of, I don't know, basil.

You want to say, "Sod all this wine.
Give me a pint of mineral water."

I don't think wine's
an elitist thing now.
You can get good wine in Tesco's.

I'd love to make
a genuinely popular wine programme.
Can I shock you? I like wine.

Despite what I just said earlier.
At any one time, I have nine
bottles of wine at home. Really?

Interesting fact. It's my weakness.
I've got a cellar. So have I.

There's no wine in it. A couple
of bikes, some smokeless fuel
and an old bag of cement gone hard.

Are you ready to order?

I'll have the fettucine
all'arrabbiata, please.

Can I have the same, please?

No, with different shaped pasta.
What's that pasta in bows?

It's like a bow tie, but miniature.
An Action Man bow tie. Farfalle.

Yeah. Farfalle.
That with Action Man bow tie.

Anything else?

Yeah, I think I'll have some wine,
actually.

Em...

No. Just give me half a bottle
of Blue Nun, please.

I loved your article
in the Guardian. Really?

I loved that clever phrase you used.

"Revolution, not evolution."

It was the opposite. "Evolution,
not revolution." Whatever.

Because that is me.

Because I evolve, but I don't...

..revolve.

Or vice versa. What you're trying
to say is you don't want
another Chris Evans on your hands.

That IS what we want. I'm your man.

That's what I wanted to talk
to you about, Alan - your career.

I see a lot of exciting
opportunities ahead for you.
This is music to my ears.

Whoa! What are you doing?
Pouring the wine out.

Pour a little, let me sip it. I've
already poured half. It's all right.

Fine. Fill her up.

Here's to our future at the BBC.
You shouldn't see your future
just at the BBC.

You should consider new pastures.
Have I got a second series?

There's so many opportunities...
Let me rephrase that.

Can I...? No, I'll just repeat it.
Have I got a second series?

No.

Thanks. That's all I wanted to know.

Tony! Peter, how are you?
..Alan, this is Peter Linehan -
he's revamping current affairs.

We haven't met,
but I liked your chat show.

Thank you. Has he given you another
series? No, he won't give me one.
Give him another series, you swine!

Give me another series, you shit!

Look, Alan, I don't want you
to feel... ..I'll see you later.

I don't want you to feel that the
doors have all closed at the BBC.

If you come up with anything else,
don't hesitate...

Would you like me to lap dance?

Blue Nun!

If you have any other ideas,
don't hesitate... Got them here.
Right... Right. OK.

Shoestring, Taggart, Bergerac,
Morse - what does that say to you
about regional detective series?

There's too many of them.
That's one way of looking at it.

Another way is - people like them.
Let's make some more of them.

A detective series based in Norwich
called Swallow.

Swallow tackles vandalism.
Bit of a maverick. Not afraid to
break the law if it's necessary...

Not a criminal, but he might travel
at 80mph on the motorway if
he wants to get somewhere quickly.

Think about it.

No-one had heard of Oxford
before Inspector Morse.

This will put Norwich on the map.
Why would I want to do that?

Yeah. Fair point.

OK... Right. Alan Attack.

Like a slapstick Cook Report.

No.

Arm-Wrestling With Chas'n'Dave.
I don't think so.
Pity. They were keen on that one.

Right, you'll like this.

Knowing ME, Knowing You.
I, Alan Partridge, talk to
ME sufferers about their condition.

Intersperse it with their favourite
pop songs, make it light-hearted.
Keep their energy up...

You don't like it? No. That's OK.
Inner-City Sumo. What's that?

We get fat people from inner cities,
dressed up in nappies,
to throw each other out a circle...

That's a bad idea. Cheap. Do it
in a pub car park. Sky will do it.

I'll live with that. Is that it?
Well, no... No...

Cooking In Prison. Oh, no!

A Partridge Amongst The Pigeons.
What's that?

It's just a title.

Opening shot - me in Trafalgar
Square, feeding the pigeons...

I'm sorry. No. Stop.

Youth Hostelling With Chris Eubank.

No!

Monkey Tennis.

No second series. I've listened
to your ideas, all of them,
and I haven't liked a single one.

Tony, I've just bought a house.

It's got a Buck Rogers toilet.
One yank, all gone.

We don't owe you a living.
You have a proven record for making
mostly bad television programmes.

That's bollocks.

No, it's not bollocks.

Your programmes were appalling.
They started badly and got worse...
They started badly and got worse...

Your programmes, your programmes...

You're making a fool of yourself.
Ooooh!

Ooooh!

Who do you think you are?

Unfortunately for you, I am
BBC TV's chief commissioning editor.

Oh, let's forget about all this.

You want some cheese? No, thank you.

It's quite nice. Mmm. Smells. Want
to smell it? No, thanks. Smell it.

I don't want to. Smell my cheese!

Smell my cheese! That's enough!

I've got cheese. This is cheese.

BBC!

Haven't you got programmes to make?
No, you're on the BBC gravy train.

Wish I was. ..Take this cheese.

How did it go? A bit badly. Oh.

It's smelly.
It's got walnuts in. Let's go.

I wasn't expecting that, Lynn.

That was a negative
and right now I need two positives.

One to cancel out the negative
and another
just so I can have a positive.

Oh, my God!

You know one can find some strength
when you're at your bleakest moments

if you open yourself... I'm not
coming to your Baptist church!

You always get people
when they're down.

I don't want salvation.
I just want to be able to say...
"I'm Alan Partridge.

"Join me tonight when my guests
will be Chris Rea..."

Actually, he lives in the area.
Could've had him over.

"All right, Chris?" "Hello, Alan.
Just moved in?" "Yes, last week.
Want to come to my barbecue?"

"Love to. Can I bring my guitar?"
"Rather you didn't.
Not that kind of area.

"You like mini Kievs?" "Love 'em,
but my wife's vegetarian." "She can
have fish." "She won't eat fish."

"Oh, forget it!

"You people!"

Go on, Lynn. These people
are starting to annoy me.

They may have nice Tudorette houses,
but can they order Irish coffee
at 3am and get it in their room? No.

I can!

I'm off.
I'll drop you at a cab rank.

RADIO: "Jet" by Wings

Hi. Can I have an Irish coffee
delivered to the room, please?

Well, tea?

Er, right. Can of Fanta?

Mini bar.

# Jet!

# Jet!

# Jet!

# I can almost remember
the funny faces... #

Right. Mini bar.

# ..That time you told her that
you're gonna be marrying soon... #

Kate Bush, lovely Kate Bush with
The Man With The Child In His Eyes,

which brings us on to my next guest,

Stephen Brai,
whose father invented Catseyes.

What was it like being the son
of the man who invented Catseyes?

Well, I remember he came home
from work, very excited...

Did he ever turn the lights off
and run towards you with a torch,

looking for a reflection?
That's what he was interested in.

Have to interrupt you there. It's
time for Alan's fact of the day.

Most corn flakes come from the USA.
Another of those tomorrow.

I hit a fox once,
yes, in the Peak District.

I saw the reflection in its eyes.
It was too late of course.

I didn't quite kill him. I had to
go and finish him off with the jack.

This is Huey Lewis and the News.

No, it's not. It's Kate Bush.

Huey Lewis. Oh, Christ! Sorry.
COCK CROWS No. Sorry about that.