All language subtitles for Ted.S01E05.1080p.WEB.h264-ETHEL_track3_[eng]

[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]

- * My words are lazy,
my thoughts are hazy *

* But this is one thing
I'm sure of *

* Everybody needs
a best friend *

* I'm happy I'm yours *

- * Night and party
every day *

* I wanna rock and roll
all night *

- [coughing]

- Thanks, buddy.

- You know, I used to think
the words to this song were,

"I want to rock and roll all
night and part of every day."

Like--like, they're only
going to rock and roll

for, like, a portion of the day
and also take time out

for things like meals
and, you know,

time with family and children.

- There's a lot going on
with this song, man.

This is a rock and roll
song about wanting

to enjoy a rock and roll song.

Does that actually make it
a rock and roll song?

- You know what,
I'll do you one better.

Ready to get mind fucked?
- Give it to me.

- The song the "Monster Mash"
is a song about a dance called

the Monster Mash,
which is based

on a song called the
"Monster Mash," which is not

the song the "Monster Mash."

- Holy shit.
- Yeah.

- I don't want
to be high anymore.

- Well, kids make all kinds
of messes, don't they?

One time when he was eight,
John stole

a hot dog from the store.

He put it in his pocket.

And it went through the wash.

[laughing]
No.

It came out in one piece.

Isn't that amazing?

Oh, God was smiling
on us that day.

[electricity zaps]

- Oh, for Christ's sakes.

Susan!

- Holy shit.

Did we die?

- Yeah, I think--

I think we died.

- I'm sorry, Matty.

I plugged in the eggbeater.

- Why are you
using the eggbeater

when I'm watching
"Star Search"?

- I was making us brownies.

- Now I'm not going to know who
the new stars are going to be.

- Well, I don't
have to finish them.

I'll just throw the batter out.

- Well, if you
already started them,

you might as well finish them.

- OK.

- I gotta go reset the breaker.

Out of my way, Johnny.

- Oh, my God.

They can see us.
We must still be alive.

- Oh, wow, a second chance.

OK, this time, you be the cute
one, and I'll be the hot one.

- OK.

- Breaker is busted.

- Oh, man.
Really?

- Matty, is it all right?

- Oh, breaker is shot to hell.

I'll have to call
the guy in the morning.

- So we don't have power
till tomorrow?

- Yes, Susan.

That's what a busted
breaker means.

- Well, this isn't so bad.

We could light some candles,
play some games,

maybe read aloud to each other
from our favorite books.

- Or we could take
a Sharpie and circle

the parts on each
other's bodies

we think need improvement.

- [laughs]
That sounds more fun.

- Shut up, you guys.

Sus, yes.

That sounds like a great idea.

Let's go find the games.
- OK.

Be careful, Blaire.

There's a gun down
here somewhere.

But I don't remember
where it is.

- That's comforting.

- Let's see now.

I think there's a Trivial
Pursuit in one of these boxes.

- Why is the floor wet?

- I know, we're supposed
to get that fixed.

But I like to come down
here during the summer

and cool my feet.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, sweetie.

- Hey, all right.
- Hey, there we go.

- Box was working just fine.

- Well, it wasn't
when I was down there.

I don't know what to tell you.
- It's OK, honey.

We know you were
scared of the spider.

- What the fuck
are you talking about?

- There was
a spider on the box.

He's always been
scared of the spiders.

- Wait, you were just going
to fucking let us sit here

and read aloud from books?

- Screw all of you.

- Matty, why?

- I'm not scared
of the goddamn spider, Susan.

The breaker wasn't working.

I'm going down to Trammell's.

- And he pulls the fucking
ripcord, just like always.

- What the hell is
that supposed to mean?

- Any time you're losing
an argument, you leave.

You just walk out the door.

- Matty, honey.
You can't leave.

You haven't made
stool yet today.

- Jesus Christ, Susan.

- Well, the doctor says if
it's been more than two days,

you need to call him.

- I did it yesterday.
It was a good one.

- Like a mother hen
crowing over her egg.

- You all watch this.

When he comes back, everyone's
going to apologize to him

because he's manipulating
the circumstances to make it

seem like he's the victim.

- I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have told them
about the spiders.

- No, see?
- I'm so sorry.

- This is what
I'm talking about, OK?

He's the one acting
like a whining baby.

He should be
apologizing to you.

- I shouldn't have
embarrassed him, OK?

I think it's cute that
you're scared of the spider.

- I'm not scared of spiders!

- God, this is so fucked.

This is just classic
dysfunctional, fucked up,

white trash marriage.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?

- What do you mean, what?

Your wife is trying
to engage with you.

And you're dismissing
her like an asshole.

And you do it all the time.

- Susan, am I an asshole?

- Oh, of course not, Matty.

You're a veteran.

- See?

You think they'd send
an asshole to Vietnam?

- Weren't you
dishonorably discharged?

- No, I wasn't
dishonorably discharged

or honorably discharged.

- How the hell does that work?

- Just exactly
like I just said.

- So the army basically
said, it's not you.

It's us.
- That's right.

- We're not sure we're ready
to have anybody

in the army right now.

- More or less.

- The army just wants to focus
on the army for a while.

- See? He gets it.

- Aunt Sus, he is so fucking
disrespectful to you.

And you never stick up
for yourself.

I swear to God, you guys
need marriage counseling.

- Oh, fuck that.

- What's the matter?
Are you scared of therapy too?

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, it's on, fuckers.

- I'm not going to pay some
shrink 80 bucks to sit there

and show me inkblots
that all look like priests

with their dicks out.

- Well, I think
that's already progress.

- Huh?

- Look, I have a proposal.

I've saved up a little money

working extra shifts
at the coffee shop.

As my Christmas gift
to you and Susan this year,

I will pay for one marriage
counseling session.

All you got to do is show up.

- Oh, Matty, can we?

- Jesus, Susan.

What will we even talk about?

- Oh, we can talk about how
much we love each other.

- OK.
You know what?

Fine.

We'll go, just to show you
that you're full of shit,

and Susan and I have
a great marriage.

In fact, you know what,
let's go right now.

- It's not open at 9:00 p.m.

- Oh.

And the bullshit begins.

[upbeat music]

- Now, of course,
the most well-known singularity

in Frost poem
is the repetition of,

"And miles to go
before I sleep,"

which refers not
to literal sleep but to death

and the overwhelming--

[both giggling]

- Is there something
you'd like to share

with the class, Miss Lyons?

- We were just wondering
if your pants are big enough.

- Excuse me?

- It just seems like
there's a little fashion

emergency going on.

Did you get your pants
from the lost and found?

- Yeah, these pants
are a little big.

They were my dad's.

Why am I wearing my dead
father's pants, you ask?

Because I've moved
back in with my mother.

My wife left me two weeks ago
for a racquetball teacher.

Happy now?
- God, chill out.

It was a joke.

- I'd love to chill out, Erin.

I really would.

But you know what,
life has other plans for me.

My wife says
he makes eye contact

with her when they make love.

With me, it's either
eye contact or an erection.

You have to choose one.

And silly me, I thought the
right choice was the erection.

Well, I had a 50/50 shot,
didn't I?

Turns out
she wants eye contact.

And now that I've moved
back in with Mother,

I have to masturbate into the
toilet because my bed squeaks.

Of course,
if you ask my ex-wife,

the toilet is where
Mr. George's sperm belongs.

Now there's a joke, Erin.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

- Mr. George, can we
have a talk in my office?

- Gee, I wonder
what this is about.

Everyone, please
read pages 81 to 96.

I'm kidding.
I don't give a shit.

- I think that's enough
emotional trauma for the day.

Why don't you kids
go home early?

[excited chatter]

- Man, that was insane, huh?

- Yeah.
Those cheerleaders are mean.

- That's--that's
what you got from that?

- Well, at least
we got the afternoon off.

- Street hockey?
- Street hockey.

- Fuck yeah.

- All right, this is it, baby.

You're going down.
- Yeah, fuck you, Bobby Orr.

Take your best shot.

Oh!

And Bennett chokes in
the final seconds of the game.

This is an absolute disgrace.

- Ah, shit.

- Look at the disappointed
faces on all

these Make-A-Wish kids
who only wanted

to see a Bruins victory.

- Teddy--

- This is a stunning
upset fueling

an anger the fans will no
doubt take out on their wives.

And I got to say, Don--
- Shut the fuck up, all right?

I got to ask you something.
- What?

- Do you think Blaire is right?

Like, do my parents have
a fucked up marriage?

- Well, that's one of those
tough to answer questions,

Johnny, like where did you find
Teddy bear sized hockey gear?

I just don't know.

- And if they
are having problems,

is any of it my fault?

I mean, what can I do?

- Well, I'm just brainstorming.

But it seems like,
maybe, hurting yourself

could teach him a lesson.

- Gee, I never thought of that.

Then I'd be
in charge of the pain.

- Exactly.
- Only I know what I deserve.

And I'd give myself
just that much.

- Yeah, you know,
I'm just now starting

to see some cracks in this.

- Hey, how'd it go?

- I paid 80 bucks
for that session,

and you just
fucking walked out?

- That quack had it in
for me the second I

walked in that door.

You know what he said?
You know what he said?

He said I'm selfish.

- Oh, shocker.

- Yeah, he said,
I need to compromise more.

Can you believe
that fucking shit?

I'm working a 60-hour week just
to keep a roof over our heads.

- He does work a lot.

- See? Even she gets it.

Everything I do,
I do it for you.

- Wait, so you're saying,
you can't tell me

it's not worth trying for.

- Exactly.
- Like, I can't help it.

There's nothing I want more.
- See?

You know it's true.

- Oh, my God.

- Shit, I can't
believe he said it.

- Oh, fucking amazing.

- What?

- It's Bryan Adams.

Oh, what a treat.
What a treat.

- Matty,
the whole point of this was

for you to get a neutral
perspective on your marriage.

- He was not neutral.

He agreed
with everything she said.

And he took a shit
on everything I said.

- So let me get this straight.

So no one's neutral unless they
agree with you all the time.

Got it.

- The guy's
a Harvard fancy pants.

He doesn't understand
regular guys.

The bartender down
at Trammell's always

thinks I'm right.

In fact, he just said
to me last night,

"You've made your point.
You can go home now."

- OK. So let's figure this out.

If Dr. Feldstein's not neutral,
then who would be?

Who would you accept
as a neutral arbiter?

- Someone with no
fucking agenda.

Like Ted.

- Ted?

- Yeah, he's an even guy,
minds his own business.

He's neutral.

- That's an interesting idea.

So you'd accept Ted
as a neutral arbiter?

- Absolutely.

- Fuck it.
What do you say, Ted?

- About what?

Sorry.
I was doing these Mad Libs.

Four score and seven cocks ago.
- [laughs]

- That's better
than the real one.

- Focus.

Would you be willing to listen
to Susan and Matty's sides

and then make
an objective judgment call?

- What do you mean,
like a--like a therapist?

- Not therapy, just listening.

- Oh, Blaire.

It's all right
if he doesn't want to.

I can just watch "Oprah."

And maybe they'll have
a topic that applies to me.

- Will you do it?

- Well, in the words
of Abraham Lincoln,

a diarrhea divided against
itself cannot John's wiener.

- Oh, come on, man.
Don't put that.

- OK. I'll erase it.

- You know,
the suit wasn't necessary.

- Blaire, please.

Johnny is my best friend.

He's got a stake in this.

So if I'm doing it,
I'm doing it right.

Now let's start
with the basics.

Would you classify
your marriage

as sexually satisfying?

- What?

- How often would you say
you have intercourse?

- That's none
of your goddamn business.

- Look,
why don't we just stick--

- Every six months.
- Every six months.

And what about anal?

- Dude, seriously.
- Jesus Christ.

- We do like
the room to be clean.

Yeah.

- She said, yes.

Hilarious.

OK, now I want you
to turn to each other

and say the meanest thing
you can think of.

- Ted, why don't you
ask them something

productive like how they met,

what originally drew them
to each other?

- All right.

Matty, what originally
attracted you to Susan?

- Her innocence.

- Oh, OK.

- What?

- I thought--

I already wrote it's--

it's fine.

Susan.

- His heart.

- His heart.

- When Matty and I first met,

he bought us tickets
to see Simon & Garfunkel.

It was a Friday.

And he'd been working
since 6:00 a.m.

Poor Matty was so tired.

- Well, if there's
any cure for being tired,

it's Simon & Garfunkel.

- We'd never seen
them up close.

So when we got there,
Matty realized

that Garfunkel was a man.

So we had to leave.
- Wait, why?

- Two men shouldn't
be singing harmony.

- Dad, I thought you
liked Hall & Oates?

- That's different.
- Why?

- Because they sing in unison.

Or they take turns,
one and then the other one.

That's OK.

- What about
Crosby, Stills & Nash?

- They're all right for now.

But I'm keeping my eye on them.

You're a complicated man.

- I'm still waiting
for the heart part.

- Well, we got in the car.

And Matty drove home,
and he got his record player.

And he took me
to Boston Common.

And we had a picnic
on the lawn while we

listened to Sonny & Cher.

And he bought me a rose.

And he danced with me
right there on the grass.

You remember that?
- Of course I do.

- Matty, you did that?

- Yeah.

It was beautiful.

She was this wicked
smart college girl.

And I wanted to impress her.

See? I'm a good guy.

That prick fuck
shrink was way off.

So fuck everybody.

- Mom, I didn't know
you went to college.

- Yeah, me neither.

What did you study?

- Well, I was going to teach.

- You were going
to be a teacher?

Susan, that's amazing.

- I'd gotten my credentials.

And I was all ready
to apply for a job.

And then I got married.

- Why couldn't you do both?

- Well, it just
didn't seem practical

with the groceries
and the laundry.

- Well, I mean, have you ever
thought of going back to it?

I think you'd be great.

- Oh, no, no.

That was a long time ago.
No, I couldn't.

- Susan, I really think
you could do this.

- Jesus!
She said she's not interested.

- Should I make
some chocolate milk?

- Oh, yeah.
Chocolate milk.

- Chocolate milk.
- No, Susan.

For God's sake.
- Therapy over.

We're doing chocolate milk now.

- Guys, come on.

This woman does everything
for all of us in this house.

And nobody ever does
a goddamn thing for her.

And now she's
sitting here telling us

something that's important.

- That's horse shit.
I do a ton of stuff.

- You?

What do you do for Susan?

- I pay for everything
she owns and eats.

- OK, how about we all
just sit with what

Matty just said, while Susan
gets on that chocolate milk?

- I'll get that for you.

- Well, I think
I just proved my point

that this marriage is perfect.

- Yeesh, I couldn't say
this in front of them.

But they were both
clearly molested.

- Guys, believe it or not,

I think we did great.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We just found out Susan has no
identity outside this family.

I mean, she's a wife.
She's a mother.

But that's it.

She could be so much more.

And it's so obvious that
deep down, she wants to be.

- You got all that from her
saying she does anal?

Man, you should be
the pretend therapist.

- I mean, I hear you, Blaire.

But what are we supposed to do?

- I don't know yet.

But somehow, we got
to help her find her voice.

I mean, we're the only
ones that can do it.

- Couldn't agree more, Blaire.

Delusional narcissist.

- Excuse me?

- Note to self,
stop saying what you write.

[upbeat music]

* *

- God, look at her.

She's so fucking hot.
- Yeah.

Too bad she's a bitch.

- I don't even care.

She could treat me like crap.
I'd still let her jerk me off.

- Oh, you should
tell her, Johnny.

I'm sure she'd love to hear it.
- All right, fuck you, man.

- No, really,
what a feather in her cap.

- Hey, I'm just saying,
hypothetically, if she asked,

I would say yes.

- That's what she's telling
her friend right now.

She's saying, see that kid
over there in Lee jeans?

I want to bring him to climax.

But will he let me?

- Hey, guys.

- Oh, hey, Andrew.
Hey, Polly.

- Did you hear what
happened to Mr. George?

- No, what?
- He got fired.

- No shit. Why?

- They caught him
in the faculty lounge

screaming at his own dick.

- Oh, that's what that was.

Yeah, I heard yelling coming
out of there yesterday.

- You're not going
to let me fuck?

I'm not going to let you pee!

- Well, do they have
someone to replace him?

- I don't know.

I think they're
trying to find a sub.

- Teddy.
- What?

- They're looking for a sub.
- Yeah, so?

- So what about Mom?

- Susan?

- Yeah. Why not?

I mean, you remember
what Blaire said,

no one ever does
anything for her.

- I mean, yeah.

But you really want your
mother teaching your class?

I mean, you remember what
happened to Todd Greene?

He yelled goodbye
to his mother.

And now he's got to eat
lunch with the janitor.

- I don't care.

- People are
shitting in his desk.

- Look, Teddy.
We got to at least try.

Let's go talk to the principal.

- Well, I have to admit,

we're in a bit of a bind here.

Does Mrs. Bennett have
any prior teaching experience?

- Well, no, but she's
got all her credentials.

- I see.

- Oh, she's the one
who taught me how

to use the bathroom by myself.

- Yeah, last August, right?

- Oh, shut up, man.

Fuck you.
- All right, man.

- What's that?
- I don't fucking know.

- Do you know
if your mother would

be willing to take
this on for what

may be an indefinite period?

- I mean, she has always
wanted to be a teacher.

She just couldn't
because she had to do laundry.

- There's a lot of laundry so--

- I know she'd do
a wicked good job.

- OK, listen.
How about this?

You hire her.

And the next time
there's an anti-drug assembly,

and they ask for questions,
I will ask a question.

- Teddy, don't.
What, are you crazy?

- Quiet, John, quiet.

I will ask a question
of the speaker.

- No one has ever asked
a question at assembly.

- I will ask one.

- A real question?
- Yes.

Not like a, can we see
your nipple, kind of question,

like, a real one.

- Like, how can I help ensure

my school remains drug-free?

- Like, who should I tell if
I suspect a peer is on drugs?

- Good God.
- Teddy, no, no.

- Shut up, John.
- It's not worth it.

- Shut up.
This is for Susan!

- You have your deal.

And may God have
mercy on your soul.

Now get out of this office
before I kick your ass myself.

- Yes, ma'am, thank you.
- Thank you, thank you so much.

- Thank you.

- God, I love this job.

both: * And that's
the monster mash *

- What do you think?
Is it a hit?

- I just told you.

There's already a song
called the "Monster Mash."

- Oh, no, Blaire.
Jesus Christ.

Look at the diagram again.

So this song the "Monster Mash"
was inspired by this dance

the Monster Mash.

But the song
the "Monster Mash,"

which is about the dance
the Monster Mash,

which was inspired
by the song the "Monster Mash"

is not the song
the "Monster Mash," all right?

That song does not exist
in our universe.

- Ever since 1962, we have been
living in the outer circle.

And we don't even know it.

Teddy and I have written
the song the "Monster Mash"--

- Which will take our reality
to the innermost circle

for the first time
in the history of the cosmos.

- All we need is
$2,000 for studio time.

- I'll save you
the time right now.

Nobody in 1993 is going
to give a shit about a song

called the "Monster Mash."

- Why not?

- Because all
the good music now

is about shit that matters,
people with real stories.

I mean, don't you guys
listen to hip-hop?

- OK, OK, how about this?

both: * And that's
the monster mash *

- * It's hard being Black *

- John.

- Hey, Mom.

- I just got a call
from the principal.

- Really?

- They want me
to take over for Mr. George.

- They do?

- Yeah.

And, John, they said
it was your idea.

Is that true?

- Are you mad?

- No, no.

I'm just overwhelmed.

- Well, you're going
to do it, right?

- Well, I don't know.

- Oh, my God.

You have to say yes.
This is your chance.

- Well, if I'm working, then
who's going to let the mailman

in to use the bathroom?

- Listen to me.

This is about you doing
something for yourself.

- Well, if it's what you want.

- No, Jesus.
It's not about me.

It's about what you want.

This was your dream.
I mean, come on.

You got to give yourself
a chance to see it through.

- You're not embarrassed
to have your mother

teaching your class?

- I already walk around school
with my Teddy bear.

I think I'll be fine.

- Oh, John.

Thank you.
- OK, oh, God.

Oh, Jesus, Ma.
- Thank you so much.

Oh, I'm so excited.
I'm all flushed.

I'm going to go stand
in the basement water.

- John, you did that for her?

- Well, yeah.

You know, you said nobody ever
does anything for her so--

- Yeah, you know, we're
not all about smoking weed

and scouring
the beaches of the world

looking for the perfect wave.

We care.

- It's increasingly possible
that the two of you

might not be total fuck-ups.

[electricity buzzes]

- I'm OK!

I'm OK.

- Susan, get out
of the basement!

I'm watching TV.

[upbeat music]

[school bell rings]

* *

- [sighs]

Good morning, everyone.

Hi.

I'm your substitute teacher,
Mrs. Bennett.

- Fuck yeah.
Great start.

- [laughs]
I'm a little new at this.

So I hope you'll
be patient with me.

I was told you're
studying American poets

of the early 20th century.

Is that right?

- Yeah, yeah.
That's right.

- OK.

Now let's see.

It looks like Mr. George
left off with T.S. Eliot.

Yeah?

OK, well, you know,
I have a very special place

in my heart for T.S. Eliot.

He wrote those wonderful
poems about cats.

And when I was a little girl,
whenever I'd get sick

and I'd stay home in bed,

my mother would read me
those poems.

They always made
me feel better.

[laughter]

Did I say something funny?

- You're saying
you're a cat lady?

- Yes, yes.

I guess I am a cat lady.

- Well, that
explains the blouse.

- The blouse?

Does it look OK?

- Yeah, it looks great.

Actually, my grandma has
curtains in her bathroom.

And I think that they
might be the same pattern.

- Oh, what a funny coincidence.

- Leave her alone, Erin.
- Yeah.

Some of us are here to learn.

- Aren't you the guy who asked
the question at assembly?

- A lot of people wanted
to know about the long-term

side effects of drugs.

- Mrs. Bennett, did you pick
out the blouse yourself?

- Yeah.

"Old Possum's Book
of Practical Cats."

- Did you pick out
the skirt yourself too?

- I did.

Is there something
wrong with my skirt?

- I mean, not unless
you're someone who thinks

Marshalls is too pricey.

- Hey, Erin.

Hi. Ted.

We've never officially talked.
But I know your work.

Listen, I think
Susan's doing a terrific job.

So I figured
this is a good time

to tell you,
we all know about the nose job

you had last year.

You didn't fool anybody.

Because we all remember
before the surgery

when you tried
to kiss Danny Santucci,

and you poked his eye out.

Also, and everybody
in town knows this except you.

Your dad is really your uncle,
which may have subconsciously

fucked you up and caused you
eating disorder, which is also

no secret because
everybody's heard you

throwing up in the bathroom.

And also,
I recently found out you're

a virgin, which is interesting,
because you've

been lying about that too.

So I hope you do give
your boyfriend fellatio

because at least then
there's something

going down your throat
besides your finger.

That about cover it?

- Jesus Christ, Teddy.

- Sorry.

We don't do enough
for Susan at home.

So I felt obligated
to say those things.

- [sobbing]

- Well, go ahead, Susan.

- Well, go ahead and read

"The Love Song
of J. Alfred Prufrock."

I'll be right back.

- You know,
before Mrs. B., I didn't

care nothing about reading.

But she opened my eyes.

These poems really are
just like rap songs.

- Oh, sweetie.

Are you OK?

- I'm a total fucking loser!

- Oh, honey.

No, no, you're not.

You're a very special girl.

I just know it.

- I'm a fucking disaster.

My whole life is
an absolute fucking mess.

- You're 16.

Your life hasn't
even started yet.

You can still be
anyone you want to be.

- I'm sorry
I was such a bitch.

- You know,
when I was your age,

I used to think
my ears were too big.

And then one day I saw
a picture in a magazine

of a girl with a deformed ear
because her mother smoked

while she was in the womb.

It was awful.

It was like
a little piece of popcorn.

And then I realized
that maybe I had more

to be grateful for than
I knew because at least I

had both my ears.

I think about that girl
in the magazine.

And I just--

I hope somebody gave her
a job where she doesn't have

to interact with the public.

- That's fucked up,
like, all of it,

every part of that story.

- You are perfect
just the way you are.

And I'm sure
your parents tell you that

every day, don't they?

- No, not really.

They're just
obsessed with solving

my brother's stupid murder.

- Oh.

- It's, like,
you have a daughter too.

- Would you like
some chocolate milk?

- No, I'm OK.

You're a really nice lady,
Mrs. Bennett.

[sobbing]

[soft music]

* *

- So I want
to hear all about it.

- You would have been
wicked proud of her, Blaire.

She did great.
- Yeah.

I mean, I was having trouble
with a math problem.

And then she
converted the units

into items from my street.

And I got it.

- It was
a memorable experience.

- God, Aunt Sus, I just have
to say, I am so proud of you.

You've wanted this for decades.

And it's finally yours.

- By the way, I didn't
know that girl's brother

was murdered
when I said that stuff.

- I mean, really,
you stepped up.

And you did it.

- Yeah.

- What's the matter?

- Blaire, I'm not going back.

- You're not?

- No.

- Why?

- It's just not for me.

- Well, look.

I'm sure there
were a few bumps.

But it's just your first day.

Next time,
it's going to be even better.

- Blaire, I'm not like you.

You want something different
out of life than I do.

Years ago, I wanted to teach.

But somewhere along the line--

well, it's different now.

You know, I admire how
strong you are and--

and what you want
from the world.

But it's not who I am.

I'm happy with my life.

- But your life can't
just be about chocolate milk

and Matty's stools.

- You know, I'm just
putting it together now.

But you think all the lactose
is maybe the reason he's so--

- Oh, Blaire.
I don't see it that way at all.

I mean, the best part
of my day was helping

that girl with the nose job.

- Oh, it's a terrible nose job.
- It's a terrible nose job.

And I didn't want her
to feel badly about it.

But just being there
for her made me feel so good.

That's my special
power, Blaire,

helping people who need me.

Making them happy
is what makes me happy.

- I have to be
honest, Aunt Sus.

I don't understand how
that can be enough.

I mean, you know
you can do both.

- I don't want to.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to yell.

- No, it's OK.

- Are you OK?

- Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh.

Oh, Matty, you're limping.

- Oh, my goddamn
gout's killing me.

- Oh, no.
You want me to take a look?

- No, no, no, no.
You don't want to see this.

My big toe looks like
a frog holding his breath.

- Well, last time
it was a cob of Indian corn.

So it must be getting better.

- Yeah, well,
it hurts like a shithouse.

- Matty, why don't we go
upstairs to the bedroom,

and you can show me
your toe, OK?

- All right.

* *

Oh, so many steps.

- I know.

* *

- I just want
to go on the record

that I don't approve
of this kind of enabling.

- Well, if this week
has taught us anything,

it's that what matters most
is Blaire's approval.

- Ha, hilarious.

Fuck you.
- Yeah, smoke up.

- It just bums
me out, you know,

that the women
of Aunt Susan's generation

can be happy with so little.

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

I don't like those
women either.

They need to have
more ambition like us.

- But you get what
I'm saying, right?

I mean, people just
walk all over her.

And she just smiles
and keeps on like vacuuming

the fucking floor.

- I mean, she kind of
told you to fuck off.

- Yeah, I guess
mission accomplished, huh?

- This is going
to be a thing, isn't it,

the three of us getting high?

- Yeah, it sure is.
- Yeah, enjoy your new life.

- Fuck.

- Remember when I
was a therapist?

[upbeat music]

[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]

- * Oh, you've got a head
full of someone dreadful *

* And yet alas
that someone adores you *

* *

* Everybody needs
a best friend *

* I'm happy I'm yours *

* I'm just a clown *

* And I'll bring you down *

* But you just don't care *

* 'Cause your best
friend is me *

* *