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1
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Some side effects include headaches...
2
00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:06,140
blurred vision,
and high blood pressure.
3
00:00:06,306 --> 00:00:08,502
Ask your doctor if it's right for you.
4
00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:10,473
- Dad?
- Yeah?
5
00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:13,876
Do you suffer
from erectile dysfunction?
6
00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:18,485
Well, Alan? Do you?
7
00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:24,986
Jake, wh... What do you know
about erectile dysfunction?
8
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:27,423
It's something to do
with your penis, right?
9
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:30,028
- Right.
- And they say one out of three guys...
10
00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:33,793
gets it, and mine's fine,
so it's gotta be one of you.
11
00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:38,601
- I'm fine.
- Not me, I...
12
00:00:39,072 --> 00:00:41,166
So, what are the pills for?
13
00:00:41,341 --> 00:00:45,176
Well, what they do, Jake, is that
they... They dilate the blood vessels...
14
00:00:45,345 --> 00:00:49,180
which allows more blood
to easily flow to certain...
15
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,113
They're boner pills, Jake.
16
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,955
Oh. To get them,
or to make them go away?
17
00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:57,853
To get them. Go get ready for bed.
18
00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:00,857
What's the point?
They're not good for anything.
19
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,692
You ever try any of those drugs?
20
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,926
Once or twice.
Out of curiosity, not necessity.
21
00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:11,896
- What did you think?
- Not my thing.
22
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:16,305
It's like corking the bat. You?
23
00:01:16,476 --> 00:01:21,278
Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted.
More sex with me that lasted longer.
24
00:01:24,952 --> 00:01:29,890
Hello. Oh, hey, Eric. Hiya.
What's happening, boyfriend?
25
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:33,618
Oh, you're terrible. Do you kiss
your mother with that mouth?
26
00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:37,856
So, what's up? Saturday?
Let me check my book.
27
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:43,293
Saturday is marvelous.
28
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:48,507
How dressy? Eveningwear,
or California casual?
29
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:52,337
Oh, goody. An excuse to shop.
Like I need one.
30
00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:55,744
Okey-dokey, artichokey. Ciao for now.
31
00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:02,814
- What?
- Something you wanna tell me?
32
00:02:03,190 --> 00:02:06,490
That? Oh, that's Eric.
He's the head of a big ad agency.
33
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:09,926
- Throws a lot of jingle work my way.
- He wouldn't be gay, would he?
34
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,793
What difference does it make?
A person's sexuality...
35
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:16,300
is a personal thing. It has no
relevance in the business world.
36
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:19,463
- But he is gay.
- Oh, yeah.
37
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:23,001
You know, it's okay
to call them queer again.
38
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,771
Good to know. Good to know.
39
00:02:25,946 --> 00:02:30,042
Would it fair to assume that
you've led him to believe that...
40
00:02:30,217 --> 00:02:32,277
you are of a similar persuasion?
41
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:36,947
Not deliberately.
I kind of sort of backed into it.
42
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:40,821
- Excuse me?
- Okay. Poor choice of words.
43
00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:46,290
When we first met, I found myself falling
into his... What do you call it?
44
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:47,866
Futon?
45
00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:50,664
No, no, his manner
of expressing himself.
46
00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:53,204
Tone, gestures.
Like talking to a Southerner...
47
00:02:53,373 --> 00:02:57,743
you start saying "y'all" and
"grits" and "tobaccy."
48
00:02:57,944 --> 00:02:59,810
- Oh, Charlie.
- It's harmless.
49
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:02,814
He throws me work. I want
him to feel comfortable with me.
50
00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:06,643
And how far do you go to
make him feel comfortable?
51
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:10,813
Don't worry. I just sparkle a little bit.
I don't burst into flames.
52
00:03:12,259 --> 00:03:17,027
- I don't know how you live with yourself.
- Actually, I don't live with myself.
53
00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:19,358
I have a significant other.
54
00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:21,832
- What?
- We're both invited...
55
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:23,994
to a cocktail party Saturday night.
56
00:03:25,338 --> 00:03:26,863
What?
57
00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:37,645
- No. Absolutely not.
- Oh, come on.
58
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,810
You always complain
we don't hang out.
59
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:43,013
I didn't mean I wanted to date you.
60
00:03:43,256 --> 00:03:46,522
You don't think I'm gonna go to a gay
cocktail party stag, do you?
61
00:03:46,693 --> 00:03:48,127
The way I sparkle?
62
00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:51,389
I'm not going to be your gay lover
so you can make a few bucks.
63
00:03:51,631 --> 00:03:55,068
Okay, first of all, it's considerably
more than a few bucks.
64
00:03:55,302 --> 00:03:58,466
This man was responsible for almost
half my income last year.
65
00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:01,631
And that's the half
I didn't gamble away.
66
00:04:01,808 --> 00:04:03,970
And second of all,
you're not just my lover...
67
00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:06,909
you're my life partner.
That makes you special.
68
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:10,549
Forget it. It's immoral and deceitful,
and I don't want any part of it.
69
00:04:10,717 --> 00:04:13,414
What's the big deal?
Gay people pretend to be straight.
70
00:04:13,653 --> 00:04:15,349
They don't wanna be discriminated.
71
00:04:15,555 --> 00:04:19,686
And neither do I. The minute this guy
finds out I'm a breeder, I'm history.
72
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:23,797
I don't care. If you wanna engage
in a fraudulent escapade...
73
00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:26,694
have one of your oafish poker
buddies be your partner.
74
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:30,393
You see? You see? Right there.
Escapade. Oafish.
75
00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:33,438
What poker buddy
of mine talks like that?
76
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:36,736
But you, a couple of squirts of
Paco Rabanne, you're good to go.
77
00:04:37,410 --> 00:04:39,606
Having a reasonable
command of English...
78
00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:42,214
isn't the exclusive domain
of the gay community.
79
00:04:42,382 --> 00:04:45,352
Listen to you.
You're just making my point.
80
00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:48,011
Forget it. You're asking too much.
81
00:04:48,188 --> 00:04:50,350
Oh, really?
82
00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:55,121
Was it too much when you showed
up on my doorstep, looking for a place?
83
00:04:55,328 --> 00:04:57,092
- Charlie.
- Too much when I took in...
84
00:04:57,264 --> 00:05:00,132
- your son on weekends and holidays?
- This isn't fair.
85
00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:02,768
Too much when
I set up a college fund for Jake?
86
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:05,939
- You set up a college fund for Jake?
- You bet I will.
87
00:05:06,773 --> 00:05:09,902
Unless, of course, my income
were to suddenly decline.
88
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,375
I can't believe you would sink so low.
89
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:15,072
To actually use emotional
and financial blackmail...
90
00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:16,716
- You're both in my will.
- Really?
91
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,385
First thing Monday.
92
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,914
All right. But I want it on the record...
93
00:05:23,089 --> 00:05:25,149
- I'm doing this under protest.
- Noted.
94
00:05:25,358 --> 00:05:27,589
If we're gonna be a couple,
I'm the husband.
95
00:05:28,361 --> 00:05:30,455
Well, who's gonna believe
you're the husband?
96
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:33,361
Of the two of us, I'm the
only one who's been a husband.
97
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:36,503
You really thought you were
the husband in your marriage?
98
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:44,103
Nevertheless, I'm going to be
the husband in this one.
99
00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:49,306
Well, la-di-da.
100
00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:54,615
- Thanks for babysitting, Rose.
- My pleasure.
101
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,484
Where are you guys going?
102
00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:57,954
To a little party.
103
00:05:58,124 --> 00:06:01,322
Oh. And you're taking Alan
instead of a date?
104
00:06:01,494 --> 00:06:04,123
Yeah, well, funny story about that.
105
00:06:04,464 --> 00:06:06,990
Okay, let's get this over with.
106
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,631
You're wearing that?
107
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:13,103
What's wrong with it?
You liked it in the store.
108
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:14,968
It looked different in the store.
109
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:18,938
Well, it was on sale. I can't return it.
110
00:06:19,679 --> 00:06:22,774
- Dad, can we order pizza for dinner?
- No. Eat something healthy.
111
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:24,645
You want me to change, just tell me.
112
00:06:24,851 --> 00:06:26,479
- Don't change.
- You don't like it.
113
00:06:26,686 --> 00:06:28,814
I didn't say that.
114
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,684
I think you look very nice, Alan.
115
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,826
Thank you. See?
That's all I needed to hear.
116
00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:37,555
- Well, you heard it. Now, come on.
- You know, I'm only doing this for you.
117
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,962
- I know.
- Could you show a little appreciation?
118
00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:42,398
How about I show you a little
smack on the head?
119
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:44,333
That's your answer
for everything, isn't it?
120
00:06:44,504 --> 00:06:45,528
Ow.
121
00:06:46,539 --> 00:06:47,802
What is that about?
122
00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:51,536
I don't know, but one of them
suffers from erectile dysfunction.
123
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:55,646
Dad said we could order a pizza.
124
00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:02,679
Would you please not walk so far in
front of me? I'm not your concubine.
125
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:04,188
I'm sorry.
126
00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:06,485
What, are you ashamed of me?
127
00:07:07,527 --> 00:07:08,859
A little bit.
128
00:07:15,835 --> 00:07:18,737
Oh, boy. Charlie, we need to talk.
129
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:21,407
For the last time, you look stunning.
130
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,770
No, we... We need
to get our stories straight.
131
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:25,605
- What stories?
- We're a couple.
132
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:28,112
How long have we been together?
How did we meet?
133
00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:31,785
Okay, fine. I met you in Thailand
and bought you from a guy.
134
00:07:32,585 --> 00:07:36,215
I'm serious. If we're gonna pull this off,
we need to be convincing.
135
00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:38,551
A favorite song?
Cute names for each other?
136
00:07:38,725 --> 00:07:41,752
I mean, I don't even know if
we're dog people or cat people.
137
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:46,365
I forgot to tell you: The guy I bought you
from had your vocal chords removed.
138
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:51,568
- Charlie. I'm so glad you could make it.
- Oh, please. How could I not?
139
00:07:51,771 --> 00:07:54,263
And you must be Alan. Welcome.
140
00:07:54,441 --> 00:07:56,433
I'm the husband.
141
00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:59,911
No, he's not. Stop saying that.
142
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,107
Listen to you two ladies.
Come on. I'll get you a drink.
143
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:05,445
Ooh, appletinis.
144
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,644
So how did you lovebirds meet?
145
00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:08,980
Um...
146
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:10,748
Uh...
147
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,788
Funny you should ask.
We were at the Coffee Bean...
148
00:08:15,962 --> 00:08:21,094
you know, the one in Larchmont
Village, where the pastries are to die for.
149
00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:24,669
Anyway, we both
ordered a soy latte...
150
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:30,800
when the first one came up, we both
reached for it, and our hands touched.
151
00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:33,907
Oh, that is so romantic.
152
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:37,346
Yeah, it was one of those moments
that seems to go on forever.
153
00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:39,109
Like this one.
154
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,618
- Are you starting?
- No.
155
00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:45,189
Because I swear to God, I will walk
out that door and get in a cab.
156
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:50,089
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, what?
157
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:52,796
I'm sorry...
158
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,867
pookie.
159
00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:56,926
Finish your story, Alan.
160
00:08:57,270 --> 00:09:00,832
Well, okay. So... So there we are...
161
00:09:01,007 --> 00:09:06,207
our hands are touching, and we
look into each other's eyes...
162
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:09,975
this one panics, spills coffee
over one of his hideous bowling shirts.
163
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:13,881
The only gay man in America
who dresses like Ralph Kramden.
164
00:09:14,654 --> 00:09:16,646
To the moon, Alan.
165
00:09:16,823 --> 00:09:21,727
Anyhoo, so I took him back to my
condo to "hand wash his shirt"...
166
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,160
and, abracadabra,
hocus-pocus, here we are.
167
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:28,028
- That's a delicious story.
- Yeah, isn't it yummy?
168
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:36,673
Yeah, it kills me every time.
169
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:43,977
There's someone you just
have to meet. Don't go away.
170
00:09:44,150 --> 00:09:46,312
Okey-dokey, artichokey.
171
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:50,721
You've gotta pull back a little.
You're gonna set off the smoke alarm.
172
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:53,416
- What do you mean?
- I mean, if you flame any more...
173
00:09:53,626 --> 00:09:55,424
you'll light the drapes on fire.
174
00:09:55,662 --> 00:09:57,858
What about you?
"Okey-dokey, artichokey"?
175
00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:00,557
What are you, the Jolly Gay Giant?
176
00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:04,898
I want you both to meet someone
very special to me. Charlie, Alan...
177
00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:08,371
this is my very patient
and very forgiving ex-wife, Pamela.
178
00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:10,567
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
179
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,871
Hi. Wow, you were married?
180
00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:15,378
It was before I'd gotten
a grip on my sexuality.
181
00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:18,211
But not before you got
a grip on my cousin Walt.
182
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,115
Well, I can see why you
gave marriage a shot.
183
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:24,883
Pamela, you are a
breathtakingly beautiful woman.
184
00:10:25,091 --> 00:10:26,855
Why, thank you, Charlie.
185
00:10:27,026 --> 00:10:30,258
Why do all the cute ones
have to be married or gay?
186
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:33,867
Back off, sister. I caught this fish.
187
00:10:40,707 --> 00:10:45,645
- Gonna tell me what's bothering you?
- If you don't know, no point discussing.
188
00:10:45,845 --> 00:10:47,370
Fine.
189
00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:50,611
You ignored me the whole night.
190
00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:55,183
A party where I don't know anyone,
and you abandoned me.
191
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:57,983
Alan, listen closely.
192
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,821
It wasn't a real date.
193
00:11:01,928 --> 00:11:04,363
Not the point. I was stuck
playing truth or dare...
194
00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:07,558
with your friend Eric and nine
producers from Will & Grace...
195
00:11:07,734 --> 00:11:10,761
while you had a wonderful
time talking to his hot ex-wife.
196
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:13,064
- I was just being polite.
- Oh, please.
197
00:11:13,239 --> 00:11:16,767
- I saw the way you were looking at her.
- What, I can't look?
198
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,275
Not when you're supposed
to be with me.
199
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,572
How many appletinis
did you drink tonight?
200
00:11:21,781 --> 00:11:25,047
Never you mind about that.
So... So, what are you gonna do?
201
00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:28,677
Out yourself as a straight man so you
can sleep with your little Pamela?
202
00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:32,222
No, no. That would mess
everything up with Eric.
203
00:11:32,959 --> 00:11:35,258
Unless I convince him...
204
00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:38,557
that she temporarily
flipped me back to the home team.
205
00:11:38,765 --> 00:11:40,961
Oh, if you're gonna go, just go.
206
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:44,262
Alan, eat something.
Toast, a waffle. Anything absorbent.
207
00:11:44,470 --> 00:11:46,439
Don't blame this on the liquor.
208
00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:49,640
Okay, here's what I can do.
209
00:11:49,809 --> 00:11:51,801
She and I are going
shopping tomorrow.
210
00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:54,880
I'll tell her I'm bisexual,
and then make my move.
211
00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:56,777
So you're gonna cheat on me?
212
00:11:56,983 --> 00:11:58,474
No, that's not cheating.
213
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:02,485
- How do you figure?
- Because we're not really gay.
214
00:12:02,989 --> 00:12:05,959
Then how can you be bi?
215
00:12:08,494 --> 00:12:10,326
Shut up.
216
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:17,437
Okay, well, good night.
217
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:21,802
- Aren't you gonna ask?
- No. Jake told me.
218
00:12:26,946 --> 00:12:29,142
Oh, this is a cute top.
219
00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:32,342
I'm more a bottom man myself.
220
00:12:32,518 --> 00:12:35,078
I'll bet you are.
221
00:12:38,224 --> 00:12:39,817
- Too slutty?
- Haven't you heard?
222
00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:42,121
Slutty is the new black.
223
00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:44,526
Oh, you.
224
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:50,260
Is there some special, young vagina
enthusiast you'll be taking that off for?
225
00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:53,372
I wish. Can you keep a little secret?
226
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,666
I'm keeping a big one right now.
227
00:12:55,875 --> 00:12:58,470
I haven't been with a man
in almost a year.
228
00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:01,375
Oh, no. Color me sympathetic.
229
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,812
I don't miss dating. That's lies and
pretense. I do miss the sex.
230
00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:10,116
Really? Well, what, specifically,
do you miss? And tell me slowly.
231
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:15,052
The feel of a man's hot breath
on the back of my neck.
232
00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:19,062
His rough hands pulling me
to him and just taking me.
233
00:13:19,265 --> 00:13:21,700
Of course, I don't need to tell you.
234
00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:25,568
No, but I'm so glad you did.
235
00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:29,402
Isn't it funny that I can only be
this honest with a gay man?
236
00:13:29,575 --> 00:13:31,544
Yeah, it's a riot.
237
00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:36,006
Straight men only want one thing, and
they'll tell any number of lies to get it.
238
00:13:36,215 --> 00:13:39,185
- The dogs.
- Straight women are so competitive...
239
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:41,480
they'll use anything
you say against you.
240
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:43,657
The bitches.
241
00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:47,293
Gay women only want one thing, and
they'll lie worse than straight men.
242
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,519
Strange, because
they've already got it.
243
00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:52,358
Oh, you, come here.
244
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:57,197
Oh, that's the other thing about
gay men. You're so hilarious.
245
00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:00,238
Yeah, we're like clowns
who smell nice.
246
00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:04,507
Oh! You know, these are pretty.
247
00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:11,616
It's pretty sheer. Eric hated it when he
could see my nipples. That a gay thing?
248
00:14:11,951 --> 00:14:16,514
Well, I can't speak for the community,
but I myself am nutty for nipples.
249
00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:18,385
Let's try it on.
250
00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,117
Okey-dokey, artichokey.
251
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,921
All right. Hold this.
252
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,861
Okay.
253
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:28,126
What do you think?
With or without the bra?
254
00:14:29,235 --> 00:14:31,568
I don't know.
You're the one with nipple issues.
255
00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:34,434
All right, then. Without.
256
00:14:34,907 --> 00:14:37,399
Yes. Definitely without.
257
00:14:37,944 --> 00:14:39,435
Am I starting to sag?
258
00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:43,245
What... I'm sorry,
were you talking to me?
259
00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:45,111
Am I hanging a bit low?
260
00:14:45,351 --> 00:14:48,879
I don't know. Go like this:
261
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:52,550
- Now go like this:
- Stop it. Give me the blouse.
262
00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:55,986
I am a woman, Charles.
263
00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:58,222
- Wanna see my nipples?
- No.
264
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,263
Why not? You made me look at yours.
265
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:03,870
God, you are so frisky.
How does Alan ever put up with you?
266
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:06,301
How does his mother
put up with him?
267
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:07,997
Oh, boy.
268
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:12,645
Charles, didn't I ask you to confine
your debauchery to outlet stores?
269
00:15:12,879 --> 00:15:16,577
Pamela, this is my mother, Evelyn.
Mom, this is Pamela.
270
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:20,618
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. Your son is adorable.
271
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:23,757
That seems to be
the conventional wisdom.
272
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:27,655
I met him and his partner last night,
but we immediately hit it off.
273
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:30,695
- I'm sorry. His partner?
- Alan, his lover.
274
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,660
His lover?
275
00:15:33,399 --> 00:15:35,300
God, I'm not outing you, am I?
276
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:39,599
Oh, no, no, no. Mom knows
all about me and Alan. Right, Mom?
277
00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:45,340
Of course. Alan's almost
like a son to me.
278
00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:50,006
My ex's parents were not supportive
when he came out of the closet.
279
00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:53,176
Oh, what a shame. What does he do?
280
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:55,945
He's in advertising.
Charlie writes jingles for him.
281
00:15:56,155 --> 00:16:01,184
Oh, I see. One hand
moisturizes the other.
282
00:16:03,729 --> 00:16:06,790
No, the only time Charlie
was ever in the closet...
283
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:10,334
was when he was a little boy
trying on my hats and underwear...
284
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:13,701
belting out the entire score
of Hello, Dolly!
285
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:16,569
It was Mame, Mom.
286
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:20,871
In fact, if anything, his lifestyle
has brought us even closer.
287
00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:23,642
We cook together,
we shop together...
288
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:27,947
we go to all kinds of parties
and charity events together.
289
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:32,717
Come to think of it, I have entered us
in an Alzheimer's walkathon this Sunday.
290
00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:34,485
Sunday isn't really good for me.
291
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:36,356
But you will be there anyway...
292
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:43,060
because we support each other in all
our little causes, and you love me. Right?
293
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:45,896
Right.
294
00:16:46,372 --> 00:16:48,068
Say it.
295
00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:53,239
I love you, Mom.
296
00:16:53,479 --> 00:16:55,880
And I love you too.
297
00:16:56,048 --> 00:16:57,710
Eight a.m. Sunday.
298
00:16:57,884 --> 00:17:02,584
I'll buy us matching tracksuits.
It'll be cute.
299
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:06,921
- Lovely to meet you, Pamela.
- Bye.
300
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:11,391
If I didn't know you were gay, meeting
your mother would've convinced me.
301
00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:14,625
Okay, that's it.
I can't do this anymore.
302
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,793
You can't stop shopping.
I've gotta find you something slutty.
303
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,404
I've already got something
slutty in my pants.
304
00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:22,905
- You're terrible.
- Pamela, listen to me.
305
00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:28,412
I'm not gay. I am completely,
100 percent, militantly heterosexual...
306
00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:32,780
- and I find you incredibly attractive.
- Okay. I understand.
307
00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:36,547
- You do?
- Of course. I went through this with Eric.
308
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:39,817
He wanted badly to be straight,
and he suffered so much before...
309
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:42,757
he was able to finally accept
himself for who he is.
310
00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:46,831
Oh, no. I accept myself for who
I am. I am a lying horndog.
311
00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:49,969
- Charlie.
- If I were a straight man...
312
00:17:50,136 --> 00:17:52,799
- would you find me attractive?
- That's hypothetical.
313
00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:55,464
Play along. Humor me.
If I were straight...
314
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:57,337
I'd do you in a heartbeat.
315
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,739
Oh, good. Come with me.
316
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:02,643
Charlie, don't do this.
You don't have to prove anything.
317
00:18:02,848 --> 00:18:04,840
Oh, but I do.
318
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,487
Now, come here.
319
00:18:09,855 --> 00:18:12,290
You don't have to be
straight to be a good kisser.
320
00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:14,791
I know, I know. Just wait.
321
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:21,099
Well...?
322
00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:25,669
Give me a minute. I'm under some
pressure here. I just saw my mother.
323
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:28,034
Would it help if you thought of Alan?
324
00:18:28,207 --> 00:18:33,168
Oh, great. Why don't you just
roll up a newspaper and hit it?
325
00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:35,315
Charlie, sweetheart, it's okay.
326
00:18:35,481 --> 00:18:38,144
No, it's not. I am a straight man.
327
00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:41,981
I've always been a straight man,
and I'll always be a straight man.
328
00:18:42,154 --> 00:18:46,524
Well, you'll forgive me, darling,
but you seem to have a gay man's penis.
329
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:49,989
Come on, let's go look at shoes.
330
00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:55,196
It's a straight man's penis.
It's just having a bad day.
331
00:18:58,237 --> 00:19:00,399
- Hey.
- Oh, I thought you'd never come home.
332
00:19:00,606 --> 00:19:02,234
- We have to talk.
- Not now.
333
00:19:02,408 --> 00:19:04,468
I need to drink beer, scratch my ass...
334
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:07,671
and watch a whole bunch
of girl-on-girl porn.
335
00:19:09,415 --> 00:19:12,715
- Hello, Charlie.
- Eric. What are you doing here?
336
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:18,223
Um, I came over to talk to you about a
new account, and you weren't here, so...
337
00:19:18,424 --> 00:19:20,620
So he invited me to Big Sur
for the weekend.
338
00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:23,894
It's not what it sounds like.
339
00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:28,727
Yes, it is. He looked into my eyes,
told me I had a tight little breadbasket.
340
00:19:29,268 --> 00:19:30,759
No.
341
00:19:30,936 --> 00:19:34,737
Look, the other night at the party, there
was a lot of friction between you...
342
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:37,536
and I'm really sorry.
343
00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:41,578
Yeah, I'll bet you're really sorry.
344
00:19:43,082 --> 00:19:45,210
How do you expect me
to keep working for you?
345
00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:47,751
Gosh, I hope you will.
I'll make it up to you.
346
00:19:47,953 --> 00:19:51,583
How? How could you possibly
make up for this incredible betrayal?
347
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:54,852
- I'll get you more money.
- Done. Get out.
348
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,561
Bye, Alan.
349
00:19:58,798 --> 00:20:00,198
Thanks for the sweater.
350
00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:06,869
- He gave you a sweater?
- Cashmere. Very stylish. And thank you.
351
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:11,033
- For what? I didn't get you anything.
- You stood up for our relationship.
352
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:15,614
What relationship?
Alan, we're not gay.
353
00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:19,744
No, but if we were, you wouldn't
let anybody steal me away.
354
00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:21,979
And I think that's sweet.
355
00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:25,116
You need to stop this.
356
00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:28,455
I was just trying to get more
money out of him, and that's all.
357
00:20:28,694 --> 00:20:32,062
Whatever you say. Pookie.
358
00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:36,726
Is the breadbasket
the front or the back?
359
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:41,101
- The back.
- Oh, good. It wasn't just a line.
360
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,312
Pick it up, Charlie. We're lagging.
361
00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:52,281
Gimme a break.
I haven't even been to bed yet.
362
00:20:52,451 --> 00:20:55,683
Well, perhaps it's time for you
to reexamine your club-hopping...
363
00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:59,087
popper-sniffing, disco lifestyle.
364
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,454
I explained about that.
365
00:21:01,627 --> 00:21:06,292
It doesn't matter, darling.
You're here, you're queer. I'm used to it.
30236
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