All language subtitles for Men Up

This programme contains
some strong language
and some scenes of a sexual nature

INTERCOM BUZZES

Why don't you start by telling me
why you're here today?

Er, the thing is,

I've tried Spanish fly,
and creams...

So you're impotent. OK.

Martin... Can I call you Martin?
It's Meurig, actually.

It's very important that we converse
freely, openly and candidly, OK?

And that's something

that I'll be encouraging you to do
with your penis as well.

HE LAUGHS
Communicating with one's member

engenders a sense
of trust and confidence.

And you'll have to give him
a name as well.

Him? Oh, unless it's a she,
perhaps, is it?

You're asking me to name...

Peter, Paul, Matthew, Mark, Luke,
John, Carol, whatever you like.

This is a wind-up.

I'm not going to...
I can't, um...talk to it.

When was the last time
that you had sexual intercourse

with your wife?

18 months. Two years ago, maybe.

And how would you feel about
inviting her to one of our sessions?

No. No way.

No, that's not happening.

Not ever.

Sorry.

You know, Martin, I think
it's very likely

that your lack of potency is due
to repressed psychological trauma.

I don't think I've got trauma.

It's repressed.

I don't think it is. That's classic.

Look, er...

..what are my options

if this, you and me,
don't work out, then?

Well, I mean, there are a number
of medical treatments available,

all fairly agricultural, in my
opinion. I'll try anything.

Well, there's penile prosthesis,

which is an operation under
general anaesthetic,

which involves fixing inflatable
rods into the shaft of the penis,

which are then inflated with a pump
hidden inside the ball sack.

Anything else?

Injections can be self-administered
into the base of the penis

prior to intercourse.

And then there's always
the new suppository,

which involves inserting
a small pellet

directly up and into the
urethra prior to sex.

So any thoughts on a name, Martin?

He sidesteps one...

It's Walker, and it's a try!

I'll see you.

Walker? Hobbler, more like.

Hey, I'm a finely tuned
athlete, thank you very much.

With your two left feet?

Where have you been? You didn't
come off that bloody bike again?

Oh, I got stuck at work.

Oh, there he is. Staying for a chat?

You don't mind if I stay for one,
do you?

No, come on, let's go home.
I'm freezing.

See you later.

All right? Enjoy that?

Yeah! Yeah?

SEAGULLS CRY

Right, boys, come on.
Dirty kit off and straight in there.

TV: ..shambolic farce...

The kids are asleep.
Taken your insulin?

Yes, I've taken my insulin.

I think I'm going to go up myself.

Coming?

Just watching this.

Why don't you come up?

Yeah, I will.

I'll be up after this.

SHE WHISPERS: Meurig, come upstairs.

Ffion, stop.

I'm knackered, is all.

Can't keep doing this.

20 across - Christmas greenery.

WOMAN: Conifer?

Ah, nine letters. Ah.

All right, we'll come back to that.

Nine down - tempt, six letters.

Entice.

That's the one, that'll do nicely.

Right. 13 across -
swollen or becoming swollen.

Nine letters.

First letter T, second letter U.

Dear, oh, dear, these
are getting harder.

Tumescent.

Bloody hell, I think it is an' all.

You're on fire, you are.

I've always liked that word,
tumescent.

Can you hear it?

The way it turns and rolls
in the mouth?

It's onomatopoeia,
if I'm not mistaken.

Are you...

..tumescent...

..Colin?

Shall I, um...

..fill in the box?

Oh, yeah, fill it in.

Oh, now, having said
it's onomatopoeia...

Just write it down, Colin.

Yeah, right.

T-U-M-E-S...

Oh! Damn.

What happened?

My pencil snapped.

Colin...

..what if we were to meet
up in person?

I mean, these past few months
getting to know you

have been lovely,

but wouldn't it be nice
to put a face to the voice?

We could have a cup of tea and a
slice of cake...

# Which is the name of the game

# Watch the guy watch a dame
On any street in town

# Up and down

# And over and across
Romance is... #

Hey.

All arrived! Hey!

What you think?

Yeah. Yeah, it's good.

25% commission on everything I sell,
thank you very much.

I'm my own boss.

Oh, God. Look at this one.

How realistic it is,
with veins all over it.

Brilliant.

DOORBELL RINGS

LAUGHTER IN NEXT ROOM

I'm not being funny, but some
of these are massive.

MORE LAUGHTER

BAWDY CHATTER CONTINUES

You ought to be locked up, you two.

This one's got a bit of give, mind.

That one's like a rolling pin.

WOMEN LAUGH

HE KNOCKS

Evening, ladies.

Oh! Here comes the stripper!

ALL: Oooh!
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Alys, can I borrow you?

Bugger off, Peet.
We don't need you no more.

We've got batteries now.

Excuse me.

Take the whip with you, Alys!

OTHERS WHOOP

How's it going in there?

Ceri's already a bottle of Blue Nun
down, can you tell? Mm.

Oh, but, Peet, I love it. I do.

I've sold three vibrators, four sets
of stockings,

two fluffy handcuffs
and a chocolate cock.

Oh, that's, that's, that's great,
that is. Well done.

I feel like a proper businesswoman.

Well, I am now, with this. It's what
I am. I'm a businesswoman.

I'm really proud of you.

Listen, you...

you haven't told the girls,
have you, about...

About what?

Oh, Peet. No.

Do you really think I would?
No, I know that.

It's just that I could hear you
laughing and I thought...

Nobody's laughing at you, Peet.

This isn't about you, for once.

I'd better get back to it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry, ladies.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

HE GASPS

Gentlemen...

..start your engines.

BOTH LAUGH

Hello.

Hello.

TOMMY MOANS

Oh, yeah?

Oh... N...No...

Stop, stop, stop!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Just stop for a sec.

You're in agony. I'll be all right.
Tommy, Tommy... Just give me a sec.

Just stop, it's not worth it.

I could...

I could finish you.

Let's leave it,
shall we, for tonight?

I've got to be up early for school.
All right.

This has to change.

We should be prepared to routinely
ask our patients

about sexual function.

Managing sexual dysfunction
is an integral part

of providing diabetes care.

But men kill themselves over this,

and the numbers are astonishing.

40% of diabetic men in their 40s
suffer from some form of impotence.

This is the most neglected
complication of diabetes

and we don't talk about it.
Not ever.

Meanwhile, there are men out there,

so many men, suffering in silence.

Dr Pearce? This is... Eshaan.
Eshaan Mallick.

Dylan. How do you do?

It's lovely to meet you.

Eshaan works at Pfizer.

I have something I think
will be of interest to you.

And it's a pill? A single pill.

Eshaan.

If this is real, this is...

It's Kinsey, it's penicillin.

Let's not get carried away.

Until we start clinical trials,

nobody really knows
what's going on.

I have to lead that trial.

It has to be me.

You need me,

my impotence clinics,
my diabetes clinics,

all of my work published at the BMJ,

because I am telling you now,

I am promising you,

you won't find anyone who knows more
about impotence than me.

That trial is mine.

This pill has to work.

TANNOY: Dr Matthews to reception,
please.

There's a lady waiting. Thank you.
Dr Matthews, please.

You haven't got five minutes,
have you, doc?

Excuse me?

Er, a few of the boys,
the other porters,

I overheard them talking
about your line of work.

Something about a trial?

Come with me.

And you didn't have any issues
achieving an erection

before your diabetes diagnosis?

None.

I only turned 40 last year.

Well, the good news is there
are treatments available.

I've tried them. Nothing works.

Cos the therapist, she said...

What therapist? The one...

..from the back of a
girlie magazine.

Not mine, one of the boys in work.

Why don't I make an appointment

so we can talk all this through in
more detail at my impotence clinic?

It's just,
it's my anniversary coming up

and...my wife, Ffion,

she, she, she had breast cancer
and she lost her...

She had a mastectomy?
Double mastectomy.

And she thinks all of this
is her fault and it's not.

Well, there is a trial, it's true.

It's a new drug that could
potentially allow men like yourself

to achieve and sustain an erection
by simply taking a pill.

A pill?

No injections, no implanting?

Just a pill.

We'll be recruiting men
over the next few days.

I assume this is something
you would be interested in?

A pill?

Come on, ladies, keep it up now.

MUSIC: Gonna Make You Sweat
by C+C Music Factory

Keep going. Hands. Star jumps.

And up, up!

Higher!

Looking good.

Keep it up.

And step. Good. That's it.

One, two, that's it. High knees...

Oh, my God,
are you actually kidding me?

Chomping on a Chomp? What?

My blood sugar.
Thought I was going to pass out.

Blood sugar, my eye.

Moira, I'm diabetic.

It's a very serious condition.

All right, fine, fine.

I just fancied a Chomp, that's all.

I was sweating bullets in there.

I knew it. Come on, chuck one over.

Thanks.

Did I tell you we've got
this new trial in work?

A clinical trial.

Sounds fascinating.

No, it is.

It's for diabetics.

Diabetic men who can't...

who can't get it up.

What's that got to do with me?

Oh, Tommy! Moira, I'm not
having this conversation with you.

Just listen to me.

It's a pill.

No more injections.

Point is, they've picked us to run
the trial at Morriston.

The trial's only really open
to heterosexual men.

Well, what's new? Well, the ultimate
goal, apparently,

is vaginal penetration.

Moira, I'm not having vaginal
penetration!

That's not what I'm saying.

I know that you're not straight.

But they don't have to know that.

Do they?

Hey. Where are you off?

Picked up an early shift.

You didn't say anything.

Meurig.

Right.

Happy anniversary to you and all.

The porn's arrived.

Have you watched? How is it?
Well, let's just say

that I'm looking forward
to my next visit from the plumber

and leave it at that.

Where did you get it?

At Newport, that little sex shop
just outside the city centre.

What did you say?

I said it was for science.

What did they say?

They said it was the best line
they'd ever heard.

Ooh, and gave me
a free tube of lube for my troubles.

HE LAUGHS

The trial is open to diabetic men
between the ages of 40 and 65.

It will run for around four
weeks in total

and is completely confidential.

Here's an information sheet.

You can take it home with
you, have a read.

Come back with any questions.

There'll be dirty videos to watch.

Where do I sign?

For the first stage, there
will be two visits to the hospital

where you will be given either
a placebo or the real thing

and hooked up to a strain gauge.

On your second visit,

if you received the placebo
on your first,

then you'll get the real thing,
and vice versa.

A strain...? Gauge.

It's a plastic hoop fitted
around the shaft of the penis

and connected to a
rigimetric device,

to measure the hardness of any
erection.

Oh.

Doo-doo.

What a world!

For the second stage,
we will be inviting you

to take some tablets home with you.
To enjoy with your wife.

And you can take some tablets home
with you. Oh.

To enjoy with your wife.

Thank you.

She'll be delighted.

Anything else?

That'll be £4.42.

Excuse me, love,
where do you keep the johnnies?

SHE SOBS

Fi... I'm OK, I'm OK...

I, um...

..I think Meurig's having an affair.

Please don't lie to me.

Fi, I wouldn't. Is he? No.

Why?

Just... He barely looks at me.

He hasn't touched me in
God knows how long.

Nah, there's no way he's off
shagging.

He knows he's punching.

We all do.

What's he said, then?

Nothing.

We hardly talk.

I mean, we talk, but not
about anything.

It's me.

I'm not attractive to him any more.

No, bollocks.

And if he doesn't want you,
I'll have you.

I would. I'd bloody run away with
you right now.

Come on, let's go.

Hey.

Don't say anything.

If he is off shagging another
woman...

..I'm not sure I want to know.

Thank you.

All right?

I did your guttering last year.

That's right.

Park Avenue.

Must be... Yeah, yeah,
definitely you. No.

Meurig Jenkins? Colin White?

Oh, here you go.

Follow me. Thanks.

We're not going in together, are we?

No, we've got a few clinical rooms.
I was going to say, bit cosy.

Meurig, come with me.

Colin, you're with Marie. Right.

Best of luck.

Dr Pearce will be through
in just a moment.

Some water for you there,
and tissues if you need them.

We'll have the cleaner in after,
so no need to hold back.

They'll give the walls a good wipe
down, ceiling too.

Ceiling? If my Steve's
anything to go by.

Ah, Meurig. Welcome, welcome.
All right, doc?

If you could drop your trousers
and pop yourself on the bed for us.

So...

..there are two parts to this.

First, you'll fit the strain gauge
yourself,

looping it over the penis like so.

Then you'll take the pill,
wait 20 minutes,

and then press play on the video.

By the time we collect you,

you should be back to your
natural state, so to speak,

though I promise to knock first.
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

If you'd like to drop your pants?

And secure the strain gauge.

How's that feeling? Good, I think.

May I...?

Should be nice and snug,
but not too tight.

Most action I've had in years, this.

Sorry. I'm a bit nervous.

Understandable.

It's my anniversary tonight,
so...this would be a welcome gift.

Everything crossed. Moira?

Do we know if this is the real
thing or...? We don't.

It's a blind trial.

Oh, you mean now? Please.

Right.

Any problems, we'll be just outside.

CLOCK TICKS

WATCH TICKS

Travelled far?

Dinefwr. Oh.

What is it you do?

Accountant, for my sins.

You?

Oh, yeah, odd jobs. Construction,
mainly, and guttering.

I think you're confusing me
with someone else.

I get that a lot.

I swear it was you. Tommy Cadogan?
Yes?

Edward O'Connor?

Aye. Peetham Shah?

If you've finished with the forms,
we'll take you through now.

WOMAN ON TV: I haven't seen you here
before, at the gym.

I'm the new trainer.

My name is Derek.

WOMAN ON TV: Don't stop!

ENTHUSIASTIC MOANING ON SCREEN

Oh, I love it!

MUSIC PLAYS

MAN ON TV: Yeah!

MAN ON TV: The first session is
always complimentary,

but only if you...

SLEAZY MUSIC PLAYS

MOANING ON SCREEN

WOMAN: Oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh!

Communicating with one's
member

engenders a sense of trust and
confidence,

and you'll have to give him
a name as well.

THERAPIST: Peter, Paul, Matthew,
Mark, Luke, John, Carol...

Hello.

..anything you like.

Can you hear me?

MOANING CONTINUES ON TV

Champ.

Hallelujah.

VIDEOTAPE EJECTS

MUSIC: Hallelujah Chorus
from Handel's Messiah

CLOCK KEEPS TICKING

MUSIC: Hallelujah Chorus

All right?

All right?

How did it go? Good.

Fighting fit.

Got hard, did you?

Yeah. I was being subtle.

Me too, eh? Cheers to us.

Hey, we should celebrate.

Oh, no, I've got to get back...
Oh, bollocks to that!

We'll have a cold one.
Hey, boys. Fancy a pint?

Thanks, but I've got my bike and...
We'd love a pint. Come on, then.

MUSIC: Parklife
by Blur

# Confidence is a preference

# For the eventual voyeur
of what is known as... Parklife! #

Hold on.
Let me get this straight.

You just said you think you're in
love with her.

But you've never met her?

Well, not in person.

What other way is there?

Well, we found each other
in the Lonely Hearts column.

THEY LAUGH

I'm serious.

We've talked for hours on the phone.

I mean, there's been others,
don't get me wrong.

Others? Phone pals. Oh, aye.

But no-one like Teresa.

Not since my Catherine passed away.

Oh, don't tell the doctor that.

How long were you married?

27 wonderful years.

Aye, she may have gone, but she'll
always be with me, in here.

And this new piece of fluff?

Teresa, but I'm not sure I'd
describe her quite like that.

Well, you listen to me now.

You want to pull your finger out
your arsehole

and get over there
and tell that Teresa to her face

how you feel about her.

Oh, I couldn't.

What if she wanted more?

You know, more than a bit of dirty
talk?

Well, what with my - our -
condition...

..you know, what would I say?
What would I do?

I tried one of those pumps once,
but it left me black and blue.

Hey, it's all changed now
with this new pill, anyway.

Men again, huh?

My Seren's counting down the hours
until I bring them tablets home.

HE LAUGHS

Hey, it'll be like the last days
in Rome in Skewen.

I'm not sure
I'd even know where to start,

it's been so long.
Hey, I'll draw you a picture.

Yeah, Eddie's right.

The world's our oyster.

Hey, I'm surprised by you,
that you're afflicted.

Why's that, then?

Well, you don't expect it
of somebody who drives a Mercedes.

THEY LAUGH

What have I said now?
What haven't you said?

I can't believe we're talking
about all this.

About what?

This, us, knobs.

Because we're always thinking
about it, aren't we?

Just...never say it out loud,

wouldn't dream of it.

And yet, you know, here we are.

It's nice, though, isn't it?

To have a chat.

Hey, cheers, lads.

Cheers.

All right, boys, that's me.

Hey, sit down. You're having
another one.

20 minutes, no, really, really,
I got to go.

It's my anniversary.

And you, Casanova, you should
go for it.

Right. Ta-ra, boys.

Aye. Ta-ra.

BARMAN: Yes, sir, what can I get
you? Same again, please.

PHONE RINGS

WOMAN: Hello?

Hello, Teresa.

Yeah, it's me. Who's me? Colin.

FLATLY: Oh, Colin.

Yeah. Um...

I wanted to say...
I've been a right twat.

Can't argue with you there.

I'm phoning to ask... To tell you
that...we should meet.

I see.

Where is it you're taking me, then?

What are we doing here? 7.30,
you said the table was booked for.

Yes, I won't be a minute now.

I just have to run in and get
those boots.

They'll still be here next week.

Pete was upset.

And we're here now.

All right.

Let's go in for a drink.

Ffion!

What? Got time for a quick half.

Come on.

Right, you go in.

Where is everyone? Don't know.

Ffion?

Open the door.

ALL: Surprise!

Happy anniversary.

BOY: It was a surprise! Well done!

Oh, where the hell have you been?

I've been worried sick.

Went for a walk.

Well, I've been home hours.

You could have left a note.

Well? How'd it go?

No.

Maybe on the next visit.

There's no way I'm going back.

You know they made me watch
straight porn?

Oh. Remember last year,
we had the gutters done

by that man who just never shut up?
Well, he was there on the trial.

And if he remembers me,
he'll remember you.

What did Moira say?

Nothing.

Doesn't matter anyway,
I'm not going back.

I'm done.

OK. If that's what you want.

Yeah, it is.

And...

..I've been thinking.

You should, you know...

..take a lover.

Oh. Take a lover?

I wouldn't want to know the details,
obviously, but I understand.

So what I'm saying is,
I'm giving you, er, permission.

That's nice of you.

Well, there's that Scottish lad
who works at the petrol station.

Or Eduardo from work.
I'm being serious.

Oh, so am I. I'll have them both.

Oh, Rhys! This isn't a joke.

Tommy, you've got to stop getting
yourself so worked up.

It's not like we can't do
other stuff, is it? You tell me.

Oh, not this again, right?

I am not going to keep apologising
to you

for having a wank in the shower.

People wank. Men wank. That's..
I don't.

I don't want to fight with you.

I don't want to fight with you.

You should go back for
the next visit. No.

Not for me.

For you.

MUSIC: Step On
by Happy Mondays

Oh, my God, do you remember?

INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION

Just give me a second, yeah?
I'll be back in a minute.

What do you reckon?

Her name's Cara. She's 32 and she
goes like the clappers.

I can barely keep up.

Oh, it's filth, mate.

Seems nice.

You all right?

Fine.

How's everything, you know, at home?

What?

Well, nothing. It's...

Just something Ffion said.

Nothing bad...I think.

Well, I don't know.

She was just a bit upset,
that's all.

Upset about what?

Why's she talking to you about it?

Meurig, it's not a big deal, man.

Sounds like it is. What's she said?

FFION ON MICROPHONE: Can I have
a bit of hush, please?

Tell me what she said! Hello? Hiya.

Thank you, diolch.

So, 15 years ago,
I married the love of my life.

ALL: Aw!

Now, I know a lot of you
already know

that the last few years, they
haven't been easy for us.

Bollocks to cancer,
that's all I have to say about that.

And a lot of you will know
that Meurig turned 40 last year,

and we weren't able to celebrate
because of everything going on.

So I wanted to get everyone
together for a big piss-up, yes?

ALL CHEER

But also, well, to say thank you
to Meurig.

My husband, my school sweetheart.

SOMEONE WOLF-WHISTLES

For everything.

Aww.

That's lovely, isn't it?

I love you.

Aww!

OK.

Right, let's get pissed, shall we?

CHEERING

Thank you. Cheers.

MUSIC: I'm Coming Home
by Tom Jones

Come on.

It's our song.

Don't show me up.

Just hold me.

Just hold me.

What did you say to Leigh, then?

He reckons you were upset.

I told him I thought
you were cheating on me.

What?

Are you? Having an affair?

What sort of question is that?
Or is it me?

Because if it is...

..I get it.

I really do.

You stayed because I was sick,

because what kind of man
would you have been

to have walked out?

Now I'm not.

So you can go, if that's
what you want.

You've lost the plot. Meurig...
You have.

..you can barely look at me,
let alone touch me.

Huh?

What's happening to us?

Oh!

I think you should stay
at your mum's for a bit.

What's that supposed to mean?

I think you've fallen out of love
with me.

No.

I think we're over.
We are not over. Can you just go?

Please.

Just... Just go.

It's not you.

SHE SIGHS

I can't...

Can't what? What can't you do,
Meurig?!

I can't have sex. Because of me?

Because I'm impotent.

What did you just say?

Since the diabetes...

What's the diabetes
got to do with anything?

They think it's linked with vessels
or nerve damage or something...

Who thinks this? The doctor!

Jesus, Ffion, I'm trying
to tell you.

You're impotent?

Wait, hang on.

You let me think it was me
for all this time?

I asked and I asked you and I begged
you to tell me what was wrong,

and you said nothing.

I know. Have you got any idea

of the crap that's been going round
my head

for the last 18 months?!

Is he...

Is he bored of me?

Should I try a new technique?
Like, buy sexier underwear?

And the whole time, you knew!

Oh, my God.

You knew!

What was I supposed to say?

I was ashamed.

This isn't meant to happen
to men my age.

I didn't know what to do.

I didn't know what to do.

Look at us.

No tits, no cock.

I used to love sex.

Shagging you.

In the beginning.

Then you wake up one day
and it's two kids and a mortgage

and a job and a life...
A big, full life,

and it all becomes routine.

Just something you do.

And why didn't you say something?

If that's how you felt?

Because that's...that's what I've
missed.

The routine sex, the scheduled sex,

the...the Saturday morning sex
with my husband.

Just lying there with you.

You, Meurig.

I've missed YOU.

I'm right here.

Yeah, but you haven't been, have
you?

Not really.

Not for a long while now.

That's all going to change.

Oh, right?

I'm on a trial, a clinical trial
at the hospital, for a pill. What?

It's a new drug... What? ..to
treat... What are you talking about?

It's a clinical trial.

What? A clinical trial? Yeah.

Are you ser...? How have you kept
all this from me, huh?

I'm meant to be your wife.

I didn't want to tell you until
I knew it was going to work.

I didn't want to worry you.

What?! I've had one dose, and
nothing.

But it could have been a placebo.

And next time, hopefully,
it's the real thing.

And if it works, it's going to make
everything normal again.

It's going to make everything
better.

Ffion...

..please talk to me.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking, God...

..I want you inside me.

HE CHUCKLES QUIETLY

He hath risen!

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Peet.

Are you drunk?

Blasted blotto, I am.

Bloody hell, where've you been?

With the boozer, down the...
With the boys down the boozer.

HE LAUGHS

Right.

I haven't had friends since school.

Did you drive? No, I got a taxi.

Come here.

Oh, God, you stink.

I love you, darling.

OK, that's nice. I love you too.
Now let's get you to bed. Nooo...

Listen to me, Alys.

It worked.

It really worked.

It's going to be OK now,
me and you.

We're going to be OK.

How's that feeling?

Good. Not too tight.

Let's hope this is the one.

Best of luck.

CLOCK TICKS

MUSIC: Moving On Up by M People

# Just who do you think you are?

# Take it like a man, baby

# If that's what you are

# Cos I'm movin' on up

# You're movin' on out

# Movin' on up

# Nothing can stop me

# Movin' on up... #

Oh, yeah!

# Movin' on up

# Nothing can stop me

# Movin' on up

# You're movin' on out

# Time to break free

# Nothing can stop me

# Movin' on up, movin' on up,
movin' on up

# Movin' on up, movin' on up,
movin' on up

# Movin' on up

# You're movin' on out

# Movin' on up

# Nothing can stop me

# Movin' on up

# You're movin' on out

# Time to break free

# Nothing can stop me

# Movin'

# Movin'

# Time to break free

# Nothing can stop me. #

SHE SWITCHES VACUUM CLEANER OFF

What's the matter?

You look weird.

It works.

Get off?

For the final stage
of the trial,

we'll be sending you home
with a number of tablets

and we'll be asking you to keep
a diary

to record your sexual experiences.

I'm no Dylan Thomas, doc.

It's a tick-box diary.

Very simple.

One a day. No more, no less.

No placebos this time.

Just the real thing.

Thank you.

You're like Father Christmas,
you are.

Diary!

Thank you.

Before we give you any pills,

we just want to double-check
some of our data with you.

On your first visit, you told us
that you achieved an erection.

Yeah, that's right.

Miracle, it was.

Then this morning, you took
the second and final hospital dose,

which also... Stiff as a board.

This is a printout of the
radiometric data from both sessions.

The stress analysis shows that,
in fact,

you did not achieve
an erection on either day.

Well, it's wrong.

With all clinical trials,

it's really important that patients
are honest.

I was honest.

This isn't easy.

I get that.

But the truth is that not 100%
of medicines are effective

for 100% of people,
100% of the time.

Eddie?

Three meetings,
they called this week.

Oh, and then Carla starts
running her gums...

Oh, Carla doesn't know her arse from
her elbow.

I know that, but she's deputy head,

so I've got to sit there and pretend
I'm listening, and then...

Look, I was back up at the hospital
today. What, for the trial?

I didn't want to say anything in
case it didn't work. Did it work?

Yes. Tommy, bloody hell, why didn't
you say?

There's me banging on about Carla.
How was it?

How do you feel? I don't know.

They gave me some of the tablets
to use at home.

Are you joking? No.

Well, where are they now?
At the house.

Then what are we doing here?
Rhys, Rhys, Rhys, wait a minute.

I thought maybe we could, you know,
make a night of it.

Go out and have a nice meal,
like a proper date.

Oh, what, do you want to wear
white on your wedding day and all?

I think that ship sailed
a very long time ago.

Well, come on, we'll go out.

We'll go to Vivaldi's.

And then I can take advantage of
you.

RHYS LAUGHS

Hello. Hello. All right?

Hello.

Peet? In here, love.

What's all this? Presents for you.

And an apology from me for being...

Well, you know, but that was before.

Things are going
to be different now.

Go on, open them.

Don't look so scared.

They're business cards.

And if you turn them over,

there's a little picture of a dildo
on the back.

Very funny.

Do you like them?
Yeah, I love them. They're fab.

Thank you. Don't forget that one.

PILLS RATTLE

What's this?

Oh. No placebos.

Just the real thing.

That's what they said.

I thought you'd be pleased.
No, I am. I am. Yeah, that's great.

Do you want to..?

I've got to put the shopping away.

Tonight, then.

We'll have a nice dinner before, is
it?

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

ENGINE STARTS

HE COUGHS

HE COUGHS AGAIN

HE SPLUTTERS

Eddie?

The nurse said she couldn't tell me
anything, patient confidentiality.

But I'm glad I came
because whatever's going on,

this is not the answer.

Didn't work.

Clearly. No, the tablets.

They didn't work. Nothing has.

But you said...
I know what I said.

I've been lying through my teeth.

This is the first time you've done
anything like this?

Yes.

What was going through your bloody
head?

I just...

I just...

I don't know how I'll ever look
the boys in the eye again,

anyone in the eye, knowing what I
am.

I'm a weak man.

Half a man.

You know, I was lying there watching
that porn

and those men pumping away,

not a bloody worry in the world.

And I can't do that, can I?

I can't compete with that.

And I just felt...

I felt so, um...

Inadequate. Yeah.

It's not just me, though, is it?

You know, I promised her that
this was going to work.

It was going to fix me, finally.

But all I'm doing is letting
her down again and again and again.

Do you love her? Of course I do.

And does she love you?

Yeah.

"Why can't you just pee out of it
and be happy?"

That's what she said to me
when this all started.

Well, there you are, then.

Yeah, if you believe that.

I met Catrin when I was 19.

We were married at 21, and I was
impotent by the age of 39.

What do they say - life begins at
40?

Well, I thought mine was over.

My marriage, my life, everything.

But it wasn't true.

And those years we had together,
after...

They were the best we ever had.

And then she died.

She was taken away.

And I would have given anything,
anything...

..to have had more time with her.

Well, you've got that time.

Don't go throwing it away now over
this,

because I'm telling you,

I know for a fact,
you haven't got to.

So what do I do?

Go back.

Finish the trial.

If the tablets work at all, great.

If not, que sera, sera.

Or, as my lovely mother would put
it, fuck 'em all.

HE LAUGHS

Here.

Ta.

MOANING

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

Hey, over that way a bit.

No, no, no.

I've got to get ready for work,
that's all.

I just need to do this.

Why didn't you tell me
all this before?

I'm meant to be your best mate.

It's not something you want
to shout about, is it?

So these pills, they do the trick?

But?

MEURIG SIGHS

Oh, I don't know.

I thought that getting it up again
would solve everything,

that me and Ffi, we'd go back to
like it was before all this,

before she got sick.

It feels like I was failing her
before when I couldn't...

And now I can, I'm failing her
all over again.

What would you do if you were me?

I don't know, mate. Please!

Lee, if I don't fix this,

I'm going to lose her.

Bloody hell, mate,
what would I know?

What did you do before?

You know, before all this.

I don't know, go out...

..on a date.

I'd cook her a curry.

We'd have a laugh.

Well, do that, then. Have a laugh.

Stop trying to have sex.

Sod that.

And for God sakes talk to her.

That's what I'd do.

I'd talk to her.

And I'd listen.

I'd listen to every word that ever
came out of her mouth

and I'd never get bored of it.

How long have you been
in love with her?

It's not me she wants.

It's you.

So don't piss it all up
the wall now.

Come on.

KNOCK AT DOOR

HE SIGHS

Oh...

Hang on a sec. Sorry!

Ah. Sticky door.

Hello, Colin.

Teresa.

Come in.

Mm!

It is funny, innit,
how we can talk for hours

on the phone and
here we are,

not sure what to say to each other.

It's been a long time since
I entertained.

Entertained?

I hoped we were courting.

I thought you'd take one
look at me and run a mile.

You're handsome.

Strapping.

You too.

Oh, I mean, not strapping...

..like a bloke.

Lithe.

Like a...

A woman.

Why don't we get the dishes out
the way and get down to it?

Down to it?

Dive straight in.

21 across.

Painting.

Oh, which would make five down...

BOTH: Gammon.

SHE GIGGLES

A, M...

RECORD PLAYS

I love this one.

# Once upon a time there was
a tavern

# Where we used to raise
a glass... #

Come on. Dance with me.

Get off, don't be daft!

Come on.

Are we courting or what?

# Think of all the great things
we would do... #

That's it.

# Those were...

And round.
# ..the days, my friend

# We thought they'd never end

# We'd sing and dance forever
and a day... #

Oh, hello.

Oh, Colin.

You're...

BOTH: Tumescent.

THEY GROAN

TERESA LAUGHS

Oh!

I'm all out of puff.

You're not the only one!

Hey!

Hey, what's the matter?

Or was it me?

Was I terrible?

No!

You... You were perfect.

It was perfect.

It's nothing.

Well, it's obviously something.

After Catrin, I...

I thought that was it. I thought...

I thought I'd be alone forever.

But it doesn't have to be like that,
does it?

No, it doesn't have to be.

I mean, I miss John.

I still do.

I miss him dearly.

But he would want me to be happy.

And that is how I feel
right now with you.

Happy.

Well, it wasn't in here...

For his 40th. We sat over there.
You had the carbonara.

I didn't. Hello, Tommy!

All right... Evening.

Usual table, Tommy?

Yeah, usual table. Thank you.

The night Tracy fell into a bush?

No, that was New Year's Eve.

Hello, Tommy.

Hello.

Well, I'll do the intros, shall I?

I'm Rhys. Dylan.

Well, nice to meet you, Dylan.

Nice to meet you.

Well...

Have a good night.

Yeah.

Who's that, then?

DOOR CLOSES

What's all this?

Making a curry.

Smells all right.

Not sure how it tastes, mind.

Where are the kids?

At your mam's. They're staying over.

What? They've got school tomorrow.

They're all packed and ready to go.

She'll drop them off in the morning.

I thought we could have
a night together.

Why?

Why not?

It's what we used to do.

I've been to Blockbuster
and everything. Erm...

Jurassic Park.

It was either that
or Schindler's List,

but apparently it's a bit
of a downer.

There's some cans in the fridge.

You want one?

I'm all right for the minute.

Yeah, me too. I'm all right.

Do you want me to
get the plates out?

Yeah, if you like.

OK.

ROARING ON TV

SOUNDTRACK CUTS OUT

Oh, I think it's chewed
the bloody tape.

Oh, my God.

It has and all.

It's... It's chewed
the whole thing!

Ffion, we'll get fined for this.
FFION LAUGHS

My name'll be mud down that
Blockbuster now.

Are you serious?!

Right.
LAUGHING: What?

You think it's funny, do you?

Eh?

Oh, my God, no, no, no!

Stop! I'll get you!

I'll get you...

THEY LAUGH

Mm...

Where are they, the pills?

In the bathroom.
Go and get them.

Go on.

QUIET GASPING

Is that OK?

SHE MOANS

BREATHLESS: I'm going to...take...

Is it...?

Is it OK?

SHE MOANS

You're so beautiful.

SHE GASPS, MOANS

I love you so much.

I love you.

SHE GASPS, MOANS

CAN SPRAYS

You ready, then?

HE EXHALES

Carpe diem, Peetham Shah.

Oh! OK.

No... Sorry.

HE MOANS QUIETLY

HE GRUNTS, GASPS

HE MOANS QUIETLY

BOTH GASP

Oh, Peet. Mm-hm? Peet, stop. Oh!
HE GRUNTS

What's...what's...what's wrong?

I don't want to.

I thought I could, but I can't.

Oh, did it hurt? No.

What is it, then?

It's because I don't
love you any more.

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

No. I'm not having this.

We've been married 18 years.

We've got a house, a mortgage.
We're going to Torremolinos in July.

It's already paid for. You should
have said something sooner.

Is there...? Is there someone else?
No.

It's just that I'm
that repulsive to you?!

You're not repulsive, Peet.
You're not. We...

It's like we've become more friends.
We're not friends!

Alys, we're married!
You're my wife.

This is those parties, this is.

You haven't been the same since you
started all of that,

rubbing it in my face... Oh, my God!
..embarrassing me! Look!

Those parties
have got nothing to do with you!

And I'm not divorcing you because
I hosted one Ann Summers party!

What did you say?!

You're divorcing me?!

Yes.

I'm sorry.

Uh... Uh...

Friends. Friends!

God's sake!

Absolutely unbelievable.

"Just want to be friends."

Friends!

HE SCOFFS

CAR HORN HONKS

HORNS HONK

HORN HONKS

CAR HORNS BLARE

What?! What do you want?!

INDISTINCT YELLING

CAR HORN BLARES

SIREN CHIRPS

Stop where you are!

I didn't... I didn't...
Calm down!

I don't know what... I don't know
what I'm doing. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

POLICE RADIO CHATTER

SEAGULLS CRY

I've been thinking about it
all night.

Just go in there and
insist, absolutely,

that you're married.

Well, what if he has to see
a marriage certificate or something?

What do I do then?
Well, tell him you'll get it,

that you moved house not long ago
and it got lost,

so you'll have to phone the council
and they'll have to send you a copy,

and all of that takes time.

By which time, the trial
will be over.

Well, it's the only way he
won't kick you off.

If you just say...

You can come through now.

I'm sorry to have to...

If I could just explain
for a minute...

There are protocols.
Not my protocols...

If you just give me a sec.

We've been together now,

me and Rhys, for over 20 years.

But it's only really friends
and family that know,

what with Rhys being a teacher and
Section 28 and whatnot, you know,

it just seems easier to...

..tell people what they
want to hear.

I understand,

and...I wish it didn't
have to be like this.

Have sex with whoever you want,
I couldn't care less.

But you did lie...to me...

..and I have to protect the
integrity of the trial.

You're right.

I did mislead you. I lied.

I'm a liar. I'm a brilliant liar.

You won't find a better one than me.

And do you know why?

Because I've had to,
my whole life, just to get by.

School, college,

work, medical trials.

I wish it wasn't that way,
I really do, but it is.

It is.

And I don't expect
you to understand,

because you've never had to
apologise for walking into a room

and just being who you are.

You'll never know what that's like.

See, all I ever wanted from this
drug was a chance to feel

a bit more normal, that's all.

And for a while there...

..I did.

But if you think I'm going
to sit here,

beg and grovel and apologise
for just being me...

..then you're wrong.

I'm not...

I'm not going to do that.

You're right.

You shouldn't.

But I do now need your tablets back.

Have you got them with you?
No, I haven't got them.

I've left them...at home.

Tommy, please.

I'm going to need you to hand
them over to me.

Look, this isn't the end
of the road.

If the trial is a success,

there will be others.

With a fair wind, before long,

you should be able to buy it
on the open market.

When are we talking, Doctor?

Weeks? Months?

Years?

It will be years.

They can't just throw you off.

Well, they did.

What, because you're gay?

Because I lied.

But because you're gay!

Afternoon.

Yes, because I'm gay.

Oh, sod that!

I'll go round the hospital right now
and I'll tell Moira...

Look, Rhys! Rhys! Rhys! Rhys!

It's not Moira's fault.

She's only ever tried to help us.

I'm sorry...

..it didn't work out.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Why are you saying sorry to me?

I told you it doesn't matter,

and I meant it.

All that matters is you and me.

OK?

You're the love of my life!

And if I could marry you, I would.

Well...

..that's never going to happen,
is it? Oh!

No, Rhys!

People around, man.

Oh, fuck 'em.

Fuck 'em.

Fuck 'em!

They don't tell you what's going on.
I don't know.

Hey, here he is!
Al Capone.

Oh!
You daft twat!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
All right, all right!

All right, all right, all right,
all right.

Come on.
Hey, come on.

Come on.
Here we are. All right.

Get in the car.
Come on. In you go.

So what happens now?

We get divorced, I suppose.

Those pills are cursed.

They've ruined my life.

At least they worked for you.

Took three of the buggers
last night

and still soft as Mr Whippy in June.

I thought you said...
Nah, nah, nah, nah.

They never did the trick in the end.

Not quite.

Still, dab hand with
the old fingers,

so it's not all doom and gloom.

Oh, my God!

LAUGHTER

What about you?

How did it go with, er...?
Teresa.

Aye, not bad.

HE LAUGHS

You sly old fox!

I ended up telling her about
the tablets,

and I thought she might do a runner.

But she loved it. Wants to buy
shares in Pfizer.

And I'm thinking of asking
her to move in.

I was thinking maybe we could get
a little place of our own.

Down by the sea, perhaps.

Good for you!

Me and Alys, we've been living
on borrowed time for years.

If I'm being honest,
I knew that -

deep down.

Maybe it's a blessing...somehow.

Maybe we can both be happy now.

She deserves to be happy.

So, those tablets you two have got,

you won't be needing them now?
All right, Casanova.

Bloody hell!
Don Juan over here.

Right, anyone for another cuppa?

Aye.
I need a wazz.

Hey, you didn't say nothing
to the boys about the...?

Of course I didn't.

You going to be all right?
Aye, aye, I'll be fine.

You're not going to do anything
stupid again, are you?

If I do, you'll be the first one
I call.

No, but do. Call me.

Any time, day or night.

We've got to keep talking.
It's the only way.

And bollocks to all this pretending,
all right?

The lying.

You're enough.

We're enough.

Just as we are.

How'd you get so bloody wise?

I remember Catrin used
to say to me,

"I know what the meaning of life is,
Col.

"We're all just walking
each other home."

She was right.

That's all we're doing.

Just walking each other home.

Hey!

Do you, er...?

Do you want me to come with you?

What for?

I don't know.

To say thank you to the doctors?

You daft sod.

Well, I am.

I am thankful.

They've given me my husband back.

Eurgh!

That's disgusting!

Mum! Dad!

See you later.

See you later.

Hello, Jean.
Hello, Martin.

# Oh

# Oh, baby

# Yeah

# Ooh, yeah

# Now don't get me wrong

# Ain't gonna do you no harm

# No, this bomb's for loving

# And you can shoot it far

# I'm your main target

# Come and help me ignite
Ow!

# Lovestruck, me holding you tight

# Hold me tight, darling

# Make me explode

# Although you know

# The route to go to sex me slow
Slow

# And, yes, I must react

# To claims of those

# Who say that you are not all that
Ha-ha-ha!

# Sexbomb, sexbomb

# Well
You're my sexbomb

# You can give it to me
when I need to come along

# Sexbomb, sexbomb

# Yeah
You're my sexbomb

# And baby, you can turn me on

# Turn me on, darling

# Sexbomb, sexbomb
Uh-huh

# You're my sexbomb
Sexbomb

# And you can give it to me when
I need to come along

# Sexbomb, sexbomb
Huh

# You're my sexbomb

# And baby, you can turn me on
Ha-ha-ha!

# You can give me more and more
Counting up the score

# Yeah

# You can turn me upside down
and inside out... #