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Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your cue to start clapping,
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00:00:48,490 --> 00:00:50,265
start cheering,
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00:00:50,624 --> 00:00:52,188
start whooping.
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00:00:53,292 --> 00:00:54,648
Welcome to the stage
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00:00:55,792 --> 00:00:58,418
Jim Jefferies!
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00:00:58,419 --> 00:01:06,719
Note: In this program, jokes are made with controversial topics
such as religious and racial issues, which may be offensive to some audiences,
and the language of this work may also be offensive to some.
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Hello.
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Completed, corrected and synced by: WingeDeath
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Thank you, thank you. Thank you
for coming to my show, "Alcoholocaust".
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00:01:17,759 --> 00:01:21,569
Uh..., guys, fuck, look,
it's a big theater, man.
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I appreciate you coming out people.
People who are watching this at
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home might know that this
is a fucking monday night.
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so I appreciate how
many people have come.
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I realize that in this economy,
tickets for things
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00:01:31,706 --> 00:01:33,547
such as comedy shows
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aren't that cheap
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for men,
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for women,
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same price they've
always fucking been,
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Women don't pay for things like this.
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There's women in this room
have no fucking idea
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how much the
ticket for this show cost.
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No fucking idea.
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00:01:51,526 --> 00:01:52,526
Your husband came home,
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said, "Remember, we're
seeing Jim Jefferies,"
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00:01:54,561 --> 00:01:56,743
you said, "Who?"
And now you're fucking here.
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00:01:58,053 --> 00:01:59,053
Women don't pay.
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Basically, women are a bunch of cunts.
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00:02:01,656 --> 00:02:04,219
To summarize, women are cunts.
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00:02:05,014 --> 00:02:07,847
See, and I don't know if women
even know that drinks cost money.
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00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:09,419
you know?
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00:02:09,545 --> 00:02:10,267
Ugly chicks know.
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If you know that drinks cost money,
you're a fucking ugly bitch, but
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00:02:14,148 --> 00:02:16,402
otherwise, you're a good looking girl.
Good luck to you.
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00:02:17,624 --> 00:02:20,168
See, my birthday's on
valentine's day,
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00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:24,107
so even on my fucking birthday,
I'm buying some bitch dinner.
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00:02:25,605 --> 00:02:28,378
If I meet a nice girl
and I'm in a restaurant
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00:02:28,569 --> 00:02:30,759
and the check comes and
I put the credit card down
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00:02:30,776 --> 00:02:32,950
and she's a nice girl,
she'll do the purse grab.
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00:02:33,497 --> 00:02:35,830
And if I go, "No, no, no, it's okay,"
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00:02:35,941 --> 00:02:37,790
She's very quick to give up
on that argument.
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00:02:39,013 --> 00:02:42,020
Other arguments, she can keep
going for fucking years.
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00:02:43,069 --> 00:02:45,849
but that one, she's ever
so gracious about.
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This is why I think
I'd like to be gay.
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I think gay would be
a good move for me.
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I wouldn't enjoy the sex.
I'd have to get through the sex.
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I would have a cock in my mouth,
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with tears streaming down my face.
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00:03:00,752 --> 00:03:03,300
And as the jizz hit
the back of my throat,
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00:03:03,348 --> 00:03:05,315
I'd be thinking of my happy place,
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00:03:05,538 --> 00:03:06,673
but it'd be worth while
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00:03:06,705 --> 00:03:09,371
just so I could split
the occasional bill.
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00:03:14,286 --> 00:03:16,286
That's why gay guys are happy,
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and that's why lesbians are
fucking miserable.
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Lesbians are fucking miserable
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00:03:22,938 --> 00:03:25,358
people 'cause they have to hang
out with women all day.
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It must be fucking horrible.
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They must just be sitting there at dinner,
going, "I'm not gonna pay for this bitch.
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00:03:31,509 --> 00:03:35,191
I've just worn my best plaid
shirt and shaved my head.
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He better treat me like a
princess."
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00:03:42,169 --> 00:03:45,335
Now, if there's any lesbians in the
room, and I assume there's not,
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because laughter's not your thing.
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But if there is, I'd like to
apologize for that last joke.
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00:03:53,034 --> 00:03:55,478
But if you hate men so much,
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stop tryna look like them.
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00:03:59,105 --> 00:04:01,446
You never see a jew dressed as a nazi.
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I did that joke in America.
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I said lesbians have no sense of humor
and they're not fun or whatever.
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00:04:16,575 --> 00:04:19,479
And these 2 lesbians stood up
and stormed out of the room as
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if to prove my point.
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They're just not fun people.
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Gay guys are fun.
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I don't care how homophobic you are,
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If you're holding a dinner party
and a gay guy shows up,
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00:04:32,623 --> 00:04:34,162
You get a little excited, don't you?
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You're like, "Oh, fucking a gay guy.
Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh?
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We got a live one." Right?
But
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00:04:41,305 --> 00:04:43,170
if you're holding a dinner party
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and a lesbian shows up,
you're just like, "Aw, fuck me,
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all I wanted to do was
relax and play Pictionary.
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00:04:53,773 --> 00:04:56,003
She's drawing something political."
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You can't even point lesbians out,
and they're so fucking obvious.
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They're so obvi... but you
can't point them out.
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If you saw, like, fucking, if I see like
2 lesbians in the audience and go,
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"Excuse me, are you lesbians?"
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They'll be like, "What? What the fuck?
What? What do you mean by that?" Right?
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But if I see 2 gay guys in the audience
and go, "Excuse me, are you gay guys?"
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They'll go "Guilty!"
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'cause gay guys fucking love being gay.
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The word "gay" comes from "happy".
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They like fucking men
in the ass so much,
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they've called it "happy".
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I, I have been a heterosexual
my whole life.
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I would not call the experience "happy".
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I would call it a struggle, at best.
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00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:53,214
I'll tell you another reason why
it must be awesome to be a gay guy.
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00:05:53,722 --> 00:05:57,047
It must be wonderful
to be in a relationship
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where, if you're partner's
being a dickhead,
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you can punch him in the head.
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00:06:05,003 --> 00:06:08,677
Hasn't that got to give your
relationship a whole new dimension?
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00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:12,408
I can't tell you the amount of
arguments I've had with women
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that could have been sorted out
quicker with a punch.
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00:06:17,871 --> 00:06:23,792
And while we're on the subject
of domestic violence.
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It's a horrible thing.
Of course it is...
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Now...
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you ever met a woman who's,
like, been married like 4 times
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and she's like, "I guess I just
choose the wrong type of men"?
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00:06:38,869 --> 00:06:42,011
"I have been married 4 times
and all my husbands beat me."
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00:06:42,742 --> 00:06:45,416
And you're like, "All of them? All four?
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One, two, three, fucking four?
They all beat you?
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Someone doesn't know when to
shut the fuck up, now, do they?"
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'Cause I'm a tolerant man.
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00:06:57,693 --> 00:06:59,835
I'll give anyone 3, but 4?
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00:07:01,780 --> 00:07:04,422
You're a fucking button-pusher.
Come on?
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00:07:06,325 --> 00:07:09,552
That's a nice, cheery way to
start the show.
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00:07:14,831 --> 00:07:19,921
I do a lot of gigs, well not a lot, I do some gigs
out in Iraq and Afghanistan and stuff like that,
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00:07:19,977 --> 00:07:23,528
which, if I was in an american crowd right
now, they'd go, "Whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
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00:07:23,987 --> 00:07:26,557
But I'm not, so I can be honest
with you. I do it for money.
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00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:33,408
...Um, the first time, over there
it's like I'm king,
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00:07:34,604 --> 00:07:36,437
The first time I go do a gig in Iraq, they
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00:07:36,483 --> 00:07:39,419
fly me and my manager in a
passenger plane into Kuwait.
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00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:44,334
Now it turned out that Kuwait is a
regular country that anyone can visit.
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00:07:46,818 --> 00:07:47,818
Then,
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00:07:48,636 --> 00:07:52,916
a military truck gets me and my manager
and drives us over the border into Iraq
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00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:53,938
and dropped us off.
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00:07:54,183 --> 00:07:57,003
And we're standing in the middle of
the desert of a war-torn country and
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00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,641
we can't see anything on the horizon.
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00:07:59,144 --> 00:08:02,877
And I turn to my manager and
go, "Good booking, fuckface."
129
00:08:05,837 --> 00:08:08,765
And then this helicopter
comes in over the horizon
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00:08:09,392 --> 00:08:10,659
and lands in front of us,
131
00:08:10,884 --> 00:08:12,344
and the blades are still going.
132
00:08:12,408 --> 00:08:14,153
And this soldier runs off and goes,
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00:08:14,344 --> 00:08:16,677
"Excuse me, are you Jim Jefferies?"
134
00:08:17,216 --> 00:08:21,016
And I went, "What other white cunt
were you looking for in the desert?
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00:08:21,725 --> 00:08:23,125
at this exact location?"
136
00:08:26,450 --> 00:08:29,518
Then he hands me my bulletproof
vest and my helmet.
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00:08:29,532 --> 00:08:32,243
He's obviously wearing his
bulletproof vest and his helmet.
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00:08:32,491 --> 00:08:35,118
His are camouflaged. Mine?
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00:08:36,824 --> 00:08:37,824
Fucking blue.
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00:08:39,396 --> 00:08:41,911
And I said, "Why do I have a
blue vest and helmet?"
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00:08:41,918 --> 00:08:44,205
He said, "That's so the enemy
know you're a civilian."
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00:08:44,293 --> 00:08:46,173
I'm like, "Does the enemy give
a shit?
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00:08:47,459 --> 00:08:48,859
That's my main concern,
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00:08:48,959 --> 00:08:50,879
because I've never been a sniper."
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00:08:51,047 --> 00:08:54,702
But every time I got off the helicopter,
I was surrounded by soldiers protecting me.
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00:08:54,792 --> 00:08:56,450
If I was a sniper, I'd be like,
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"The cunt in blue looks
important." Right?
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00:09:01,943 --> 00:09:04,109
We got in this helicopter.
149
00:09:06,161 --> 00:09:09,798
and we're sitting in this chopper. That's
what we call them in the biz "chopper".
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00:09:10,589 --> 00:09:13,549
And I'm sitting here. And I got 2
soldiers sitting next to me there,
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00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:16,371
my manager, Brett, sitting there. He's
got 2 soldiers sitting next to him.
152
00:09:16,375 --> 00:09:17,859
There's 2 soldiers in the cockpit.
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00:09:17,923 --> 00:09:20,676
There's a great big door open
next to me there,
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00:09:21,002 --> 00:09:23,073
and there's another door opened
there, and at that door
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00:09:23,225 --> 00:09:26,637
is a soldier with a great
big gun on a hinge
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00:09:26,748 --> 00:09:29,589
with bullets coming out of it like that thing
that Chewbacca (Star Wars character) wears.
157
00:09:30,145 --> 00:09:35,144
And we take off, and
off we go to Baghdad.
158
00:09:35,391 --> 00:09:38,827
And as we hit the border of the
city, I hear a great big "BANG!"
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00:09:38,970 --> 00:09:42,581
And these 2 small flares shoot out
from the small wings of the helicopter,
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00:09:42,756 --> 00:09:44,414
followed by a trail of smoke.
161
00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:47,533
And the helicopter goes,
"Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"
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00:09:48,072 --> 00:09:51,135
Now, the reason they do this is,
when they get over the danger area,
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00:09:51,207 --> 00:09:52,723
if there's a heat-seeking missile,
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00:09:52,771 --> 00:09:54,580
it'll be distracted by the flares,
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00:09:54,731 --> 00:09:56,651
and then the helicopter
will fly out of range.
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00:09:57,058 --> 00:09:58,699
Very clever.
Now...
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00:10:00,223 --> 00:10:01,863
They never told me,
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00:10:03,487 --> 00:10:04,427
this was happening.
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00:10:04,485 --> 00:10:07,902
As far as I'm concerned, the
wings have just exploded.
170
00:10:09,267 --> 00:10:11,417
And we're now plummeting to our death.
171
00:10:11,489 --> 00:10:14,655
But it's nice to know how
you react under pressure.
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00:10:16,005 --> 00:10:19,981
Because I reacted thusly,
by vomiting over my lovely blue vest,
173
00:10:20,291 --> 00:10:23,854
ironically making it more
camouflage than it was before,
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00:10:25,719 --> 00:10:28,600
and yelling out, "We're going down!"
175
00:10:29,227 --> 00:10:32,624
The 2 pilots, the sergeants, the gunner,
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00:10:32,751 --> 00:10:34,981
they all start
pissing themselves, laughing.
177
00:10:35,148 --> 00:10:37,862
They're reaching through.
They're high-fiving each other.
178
00:10:38,053 --> 00:10:41,251
It turned out that they've been
waiting for this joke for months.
179
00:10:41,862 --> 00:10:45,560
I'm cleaning vomit off myself, going,
"Oh, you, that was a good one."
180
00:10:45,719 --> 00:10:48,453
"Thank you for defending my
freedom." Right?
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00:10:51,203 --> 00:10:54,863
So, I sit back down, covered in
vomit in the helicopter "Ugh."
182
00:10:55,209 --> 00:10:58,480
And so I'm trying to look out the door
to try to un-quease myself.
183
00:10:58,552 --> 00:11:00,710
And I'm looking out over
the ground, over Baghdad.
184
00:11:00,774 --> 00:11:03,678
By the way, Baghdad,
beautiful city, untouched.
185
00:11:06,568 --> 00:11:08,186
And I look out on the ground,
186
00:11:08,393 --> 00:11:10,885
and I see a little arab
fellow with a handgun
187
00:11:11,084 --> 00:11:14,134
shooting up at the helicopter,
just [ Imitates gunshots ].
188
00:11:14,592 --> 00:11:17,612
Once again, I freak out.
"We're being fired on!"
189
00:11:19,115 --> 00:11:22,186
The gunner now is laughing so fucking hard.
190
00:11:22,266 --> 00:11:23,877
He's laughing even harder
than he was before.
191
00:11:23,948 --> 00:11:28,218
He's laughing so hard, he's keeled over.
The gun's just dangling out in the hinge.
192
00:11:29,099 --> 00:11:31,503
And I'm like, "What's your
fucking problem, man?"
193
00:11:31,980 --> 00:11:35,194
And he's like, "Jim, you're gonna
have to calm down, mate.
194
00:11:35,869 --> 00:11:38,765
We're in a military helicopter
with a bulletproof bottom.
195
00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:41,360
That's a handgun.
196
00:11:42,591 --> 00:11:46,178
We're so high up, the bullets can't even
reach us. They just sort of go [ Whistles ]"
197
00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:49,646
And then I jokingly said,
198
00:11:50,152 --> 00:11:54,396
"I bet our bullets can reach him."
And he went, "Oh, yeah." [ Imitates gunfire ]
199
00:12:06,116 --> 00:12:07,939
And the little cunt died.
200
00:12:10,061 --> 00:12:14,384
And, and I was like, "[ sighs ]
201
00:12:18,762 --> 00:12:20,365
I was just saying, mate.
202
00:12:22,180 --> 00:12:23,313
I was just saying.
203
00:12:24,005 --> 00:12:25,870
I didn't want to ruin anyone's day."
204
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:31,157
Ain't that a fun story about a man dying?
205
00:12:33,894 --> 00:12:38,922
It's funny, though.
My limited time in a war zone,
206
00:12:39,252 --> 00:12:43,219
I really, you know, didn't see what all the
bad stuff was. They were very nice to me.
207
00:12:44,950 --> 00:12:47,989
But this was kind of crazy
to me 'cause I don't know,
208
00:12:48,045 --> 00:12:49,832
historically, how we're
gonna talk about it.
209
00:12:49,836 --> 00:12:54,030
See, like, my grandfather, he fought
during the second world war,
210
00:12:54,863 --> 00:12:57,695
for the japs, weirdly enough.
211
00:12:58,425 --> 00:13:02,289
No, no, for the australians. He killed a
lot of japanese. Hated them 'till he died.
212
00:13:03,203 --> 00:13:05,901
"Love the food, hate the
people." he used to say.
213
00:13:06,504 --> 00:13:08,885
What a complex man. And...
214
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:16,602
I used to love listening, when
I was a kid, listening to him
215
00:13:16,682 --> 00:13:19,665
tell stories about killing nazis.
There was always something
216
00:13:20,349 --> 00:13:23,539
exciting about it, you know?
I just don't know
217
00:13:23,574 --> 00:13:27,374
what I would tell my grandson about
what's happening in history now.
218
00:13:27,429 --> 00:13:31,325
I imagine I'll be 80 years old,
I'll be sitting in my chair,
219
00:13:32,524 --> 00:13:36,008
and my grandson will be on the
floor, looking up at me adoringly.
220
00:13:36,691 --> 00:13:39,563
And I'll go,
221
00:13:41,517 --> 00:13:43,929
"Now, there used to be
these people called arabs.
222
00:13:46,398 --> 00:13:48,135
And they lived in the middle east,
223
00:13:48,675 --> 00:13:51,881
or, as you call it, the radiation zone.
224
00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:58,092
In 2020, president Macaulay Culkin
225
00:14:00,148 --> 00:14:03,234
got really upset with the arabs,
and he nuked them all.
226
00:14:03,695 --> 00:14:07,314
But what Macaulay Culkin and the
rest of the americans hadn't realized
227
00:14:07,441 --> 00:14:11,457
was that China had slowly but surely
become the superpower of the world.
228
00:14:11,993 --> 00:14:16,984
So, while the americans were nuking the
arabs, the chinese nuked the americans,
229
00:14:17,152 --> 00:14:20,072
and that's why we have
no americans and no arabs."
230
00:14:21,519 --> 00:14:23,796
And then my grandson
will look up at me and go...
231
00:14:39,047 --> 00:14:40,777
You know what I like about that joke?
232
00:14:41,008 --> 00:14:44,912
It has the feel of racism, but
you can't pick the exact moment.
233
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:50,923
Like, you know it is.
It's definitely racist.
234
00:14:53,423 --> 00:14:55,788
So, let's change the subject quickly.
235
00:14:58,267 --> 00:15:00,473
How do blind people wipe their asses?
236
00:15:03,505 --> 00:15:05,981
I know you're thinking, "The same as us"
237
00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:08,076
but you're not
thinking outside the box,
238
00:15:09,069 --> 00:15:12,568
'cause wiping your ass
is a very visual activity.
239
00:15:13,878 --> 00:15:18,648
No one's ever just leant up, wiped,
then dropped into the bowl.
240
00:15:20,307 --> 00:15:22,100
You wipe. You check.
241
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,608
"There's a lot of poo there.
I'm gonna wipe again.
242
00:15:27,632 --> 00:15:29,695
There's still a lot of poo.
243
00:15:31,619 --> 00:15:34,309
It feels dry, but there's still poo.
244
00:15:36,206 --> 00:15:38,245
I think I left one up there."
245
00:15:40,159 --> 00:15:42,642
I bet that's where the dog comes
in handy.
246
00:15:43,642 --> 00:15:48,395
Ohh! No! No, don't...
247
00:15:49,054 --> 00:15:53,315
I'm not saying the dog licks
the blind person's ass!
248
00:15:54,276 --> 00:15:56,950
I'm saying these are very
intelligent dogs.
249
00:15:57,490 --> 00:16:01,045
They would have worked out
some form of barking system.
250
00:16:02,897 --> 00:16:06,349
So, the blind guy would have the
dog, like, sit in front of him.
251
00:16:09,780 --> 00:16:10,780
Woof, woof, woof
252
00:16:15,048 --> 00:16:16,148
Woof, woof
253
00:16:18,594 --> 00:16:19,594
Woof
254
00:16:29,596 --> 00:16:33,580
They probably worked out
some special
255
00:16:34,374 --> 00:16:37,064
morse code-y bark for when
there's blood in the poo.
256
00:16:42,429 --> 00:16:44,841
No, 'cause they've already been
through a rough time.
257
00:16:44,936 --> 00:16:47,650
They're blind. No need for ass cancer.
258
00:16:49,365 --> 00:16:53,245
Not that blood always means ass cancer.
I suffer from hemorrhoids,
259
00:16:53,388 --> 00:16:56,261
have done since I was 22 years old.
260
00:16:56,325 --> 00:17:00,261
And it's a very young age to get hemorrhoids
but there's a lot of blood involved
261
00:17:00,356 --> 00:17:03,653
If you've never had one, there's a lot
of blood involved in a bad hemorrhoid.
262
00:17:03,769 --> 00:17:08,509
I've had toilet bowls
that look like abortions.
263
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:11,134
No, I'm not. It's not good.
264
00:17:11,452 --> 00:17:15,848
And the first time, when you're 22 and you
get one, your brain goes to ass cancer.
265
00:17:15,852 --> 00:17:17,673
You're like, "Oh, I got ass cancer,"
266
00:17:17,797 --> 00:17:20,417
because no one ever told you about
hemorrhoids when you're young.
267
00:17:20,563 --> 00:17:24,110
Your dad never sits you down and
goes, "When you get a bit older,
268
00:17:25,001 --> 00:17:30,733
you'll be pushing a poo a little bit hard and
a small portion of your asshole will fall out.
269
00:17:33,605 --> 00:17:37,995
Now... it's nothing to be alarmed about.
270
00:17:38,208 --> 00:17:40,708
It's just part of becoming a man."
271
00:17:43,352 --> 00:17:46,042
So, the first time I got
a hemorrhoid, I didn't
272
00:17:46,052 --> 00:17:48,276
tell anyone 'cause I thought
I was dying, obviously.
273
00:17:48,677 --> 00:17:51,783
And I go to see my doctor, the same doctor
that I've had my whole life, and he makes me
274
00:17:51,948 --> 00:17:54,567
I go, "I got ass cancer."
275
00:17:54,842 --> 00:17:57,857
And he makes me bend over a chair.
276
00:17:58,461 --> 00:18:02,118
And then he gets a rubber glove on, and
he sort of prods around my ass a little bit.
277
00:18:02,483 --> 00:18:05,364
And he goes, "Oh, you've just
got hemorrhoids there."
278
00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:09,066
And I said, "I thought that only happens
to old people and pregnant women."
279
00:18:09,193 --> 00:18:11,455
And he went, "and you".
280
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,230
So, I live in America now,
281
00:18:24,897 --> 00:18:26,904
and I...
282
00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:33,722
People get so entertained by that,
but where else am I gonna put them?
283
00:18:36,008 --> 00:18:39,507
We'll put that away for continuity,
in case they cut the jokes up differently.
284
00:18:45,498 --> 00:18:49,188
There we go. That's a bit of a... 'Cause I
know there's people that are sitting at home, going,
285
00:18:49,824 --> 00:18:52,926
"That beer went like that, then it
went like that, then it went like that."
286
00:18:56,168 --> 00:18:57,268
Fucking nerds.
287
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:04,127
So, I live in America, and it fucking blows
my mind I live in America now, man.
288
00:19:04,164 --> 00:19:09,300
I coming from Australia and everything, I never thought
I'd sort of go this far with my career or anything.
289
00:19:09,578 --> 00:19:13,427
And I find myself... Now I'm out there
auditioning for major movies and shit, man.
290
00:19:13,792 --> 00:19:17,498
And I still feel retarded
every time I go in there.
291
00:19:17,594 --> 00:19:19,705
Now, the first time I went for an audition,
292
00:19:20,229 --> 00:19:22,482
I'd been in L.A. for like a couple days.
293
00:19:22,721 --> 00:19:25,149
And my agency sent me to this audition
294
00:19:25,277 --> 00:19:27,820
and I went along and I met this
girl in the corridor called Carla.
295
00:19:27,847 --> 00:19:30,266
And I was really nervous,
and she could tell I was nervous.
296
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:32,200
And she sort of calmed me down
and we had a little bit of a chat
297
00:19:32,220 --> 00:19:34,708
and she was really cute,
and we flirted together and stuff.
298
00:19:35,372 --> 00:19:37,705
And then I went and read the little bit.
299
00:19:38,285 --> 00:19:41,522
And then I went home. And then I got
a call later on that afternoon,
300
00:19:41,594 --> 00:19:44,584
going, "They loved you. You're gonna
come back for a callback."
301
00:19:44,595 --> 00:19:45,976
So I'm like, "Excellent. That's good."
302
00:19:46,269 --> 00:19:50,332
So, I go back for the callback, and when you do callbacks,
often they have you reading with another person.
303
00:19:50,499 --> 00:19:55,435
So, I'm in the room, reading with this girl, and it's
the same girl from the corridor. It's Carla, right?
304
00:19:55,545 --> 00:19:58,435
And we're sort of flirting,
"Hey, from the thing before, ahh."
305
00:20:00,507 --> 00:20:04,427
So we're reading, we have great on-screen
chemistry and all that type of stuff.
306
00:20:05,054 --> 00:20:09,149
Then after the audition, I said,
"Carla, do you have any taxicab numbers?
307
00:20:09,371 --> 00:20:12,041
I got to get to my next audition."
She said, "Where are you tryna get to?"
308
00:20:12,050 --> 00:20:16,481
And I went, "Santa Monica." And she said,
"That's where I'm going. I'll give you a lift."
309
00:20:17,038 --> 00:20:21,252
Now, please note at this stage of
the story I didn't ask for the lift.
310
00:20:22,069 --> 00:20:23,657
We go down to the car.
311
00:20:24,403 --> 00:20:27,776
She gets in.
She unwinds my window.
312
00:20:27,885 --> 00:20:30,887
She looks out and goes,
"Jim, what's your full name?"
313
00:20:31,229 --> 00:20:35,554
And I went, "Jim Jefferies" And she went, "Wait
there." Then she called her mom up and said,
314
00:20:35,717 --> 00:20:41,891
"Hi, mom. It's Carla." I just met a very nice boy at
the audition today, and I'm going to give him a lift.
315
00:20:42,447 --> 00:20:48,510
But in case I get raped or murdered,
his name's Jim Jefferies.
316
00:20:48,912 --> 00:20:53,848
So if you don't hear from me in an hour, assume
something bad has happened and call the cops.
317
00:20:55,658 --> 00:20:57,292
Get it, Jim!"
318
00:20:59,309 --> 00:21:00,523
So I get in.
319
00:21:00,698 --> 00:21:06,007
We got like a 15 Mile drive. I say
fucking nothing for the first 5 miles.
320
00:21:06,412 --> 00:21:08,316
I just look forward.
321
00:21:08,412 --> 00:21:13,626
And eventually I turn to her and go,
"You've just made this rape really awkward."
322
00:21:15,698 --> 00:21:17,768
She fucking freaks out!
323
00:21:19,674 --> 00:21:24,316
She slams her foot on the brakes. She skids
off the highway. She starts slapping at me.
324
00:21:24,594 --> 00:21:28,324
I'm grabbing her wrists. Now I feel
kind of rapey, and I didn't want to.
325
00:21:29,904 --> 00:21:31,848
And it's like, "You offered the lift!
326
00:21:32,663 --> 00:21:34,647
I didn't ask for the fucking lift!
327
00:21:35,092 --> 00:21:38,774
You seem more concerned in
solving this crime than preventing it."
328
00:21:43,334 --> 00:21:45,738
So, I raped her to teach her a
lesson, 'cause...
329
00:21:50,318 --> 00:21:52,397
...how else would she learn?
330
00:21:56,302 --> 00:21:59,169
Now, let's get a little bit
deeper, oh yeah!
331
00:22:00,739 --> 00:22:03,413
I suffer from depression.
332
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:08,572
I have done my whole life. I've been suicidal
on and off for the last sort of 10 years.
333
00:22:09,329 --> 00:22:13,376
It's something that I sort of deal
with on a day-to-day basis.
334
00:22:13,813 --> 00:22:17,146
My mind don't need antidepressants,
but on the box it says
335
00:22:17,353 --> 00:22:20,869
they don't work if you drink,
so I'm not on any depressives.
336
00:22:24,150 --> 00:22:28,570
Whenever I get depressed and down,
I always feel like a selfish asshole.
337
00:22:28,976 --> 00:22:32,689
For doing it, because it's really
a childish act to be depressed.
338
00:22:33,952 --> 00:22:39,285
Do you realize that we here in the first world
countries Canada, America, Australia, Britain
339
00:22:39,515 --> 00:22:40,912
not Scotland, Wales
340
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,809
You know these major countries,
they're all the good ones.
341
00:22:49,437 --> 00:22:53,532
Do you know we have a higher rate
of suicide than the people of Africa?
342
00:22:56,616 --> 00:22:58,655
Let's just think about that
for a second. Right?
343
00:22:58,789 --> 00:23:02,988
The people in Africa, 1 in 4 of them
are dying from AIDS.
344
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:07,068
They sit in the grass, just fucking
hot in their own shit.
345
00:23:07,544 --> 00:23:11,488
They walk 5 miles (8 km) to get water
with a fucking jug on their head.
346
00:23:12,347 --> 00:23:14,331
Yet they're happier than you.
347
00:23:16,911 --> 00:23:21,434
You're sitting at home with a fucking pantry full of
food watching fucking X Factor (singing competition)
348
00:23:21,491 --> 00:23:24,537
or "Seven hundred children go: "I am not happy
349
00:23:27,664 --> 00:23:29,497
And you wanna know why you're not happy?
350
00:23:29,934 --> 00:23:32,044
'Cause we were brought up on dreams.
351
00:23:32,854 --> 00:23:36,156
And even when I said that, you're
all silent, because all of you are going,
352
00:23:36,767 --> 00:23:39,624
"Better not fuck with my dreams."
353
00:23:41,027 --> 00:23:42,900
You think dreams are wonderful, don't you?
354
00:23:43,059 --> 00:23:46,082
You think dreams are the great thing
on earth, you gotta have dreams.
355
00:23:46,226 --> 00:23:49,249
You know what happens with dreams? They
don't happen, you fucking [ imitates a punch ]
356
00:23:50,408 --> 00:23:52,273
You know what dreams are like in Africa?
357
00:23:52,734 --> 00:23:57,122
♪ Don't die today, don't die today,
don't die today ♪
358
00:23:58,226 --> 00:24:00,559
That's a real fucking dream.
359
00:24:01,615 --> 00:24:05,130
And I'm as guilty as you, man,
when I was a young comic
360
00:24:05,186 --> 00:24:08,321
all I wanna do was go on stage for
5 minutes and make people laugh.
361
00:24:08,519 --> 00:24:12,090
And then I thought,
"Fuck that, man, you better pay me."
362
00:24:15,543 --> 00:24:20,720
And then they start to pay me. And I went, "I'm better
than these cunts, I better be a head-line act."
363
00:24:20,758 --> 00:24:24,360
Became a head-line act. Then I went to the
Edinburgh Festival, did fucking that.
364
00:24:24,527 --> 00:24:27,273
Then I went, "Alright, I better
do it... go over to America".
365
00:24:27,321 --> 00:24:30,257
When I was in America, I recorded
my DVD in America and then I was
366
00:24:30,289 --> 00:24:33,717
like, "yeah that's too fucking right, now I
wanna be a movie star."
367
00:24:33,758 --> 00:24:37,178
And you know what? I am not a
movie star and I wanna kill myself.
368
00:24:39,258 --> 00:24:42,368
That's retarded. I've gone further
369
00:24:42,527 --> 00:24:46,971
than a man of my looks or intellect
should ever fucking go.
370
00:24:52,221 --> 00:24:55,888
At this fucking moment,
I'm in a sold out theater
371
00:24:55,912 --> 00:24:58,388
in fucking London, in the West End.
372
00:24:58,745 --> 00:25:00,792
This would be a dream of mine as a child.
373
00:25:01,071 --> 00:25:04,364
And you know what I'm gonna do tonight?
Cry myself to sleep.
374
00:25:09,184 --> 00:25:11,173
Because I was taught to dream.
375
00:25:13,332 --> 00:25:15,252
'Cause you never complete your dreams.
376
00:25:15,887 --> 00:25:17,181
You do complete them.
377
00:25:17,419 --> 00:25:19,839
But then what you do?
You put another one on.
378
00:25:20,737 --> 00:25:22,062
And then another one on.
379
00:25:22,245 --> 00:25:26,644
And then, when you die, you'd be on the deathbed
going, "My dream is to see my grandkids again."
380
00:25:26,708 --> 00:25:28,676
And they don't come and
you die fucking miserable.
381
00:25:32,173 --> 00:25:36,641
You're never gonna complete all of them, no one's ever
gone, "Oh, I've got no more dreams left. I'm fucking done."
382
00:25:39,744 --> 00:25:41,982
So, I'm not gonna dream anymore.
383
00:25:42,530 --> 00:25:43,530
Fuck that!
384
00:25:43,618 --> 00:25:47,260
I'm gonna make little tiny achievable
dreams, that I can achieve.
385
00:25:47,983 --> 00:25:48,983
Like, for instance,
386
00:25:50,142 --> 00:25:53,974
I was drunk last night, so my
dream for this evening
387
00:25:54,140 --> 00:25:57,338
is not to shit myself on stage.
388
00:25:59,434 --> 00:26:01,282
Now, it might happen.
389
00:26:02,266 --> 00:26:06,647
It might not happen, but if it does happen,
I'll wash myself off and start again.
390
00:26:06,846 --> 00:26:09,560
Because I'm a dreamer.
391
00:26:11,830 --> 00:26:15,176
But this is not our fault, this is bred into us,
this is in our psyche.
392
00:26:15,180 --> 00:26:17,812
You can't fix things that had
been said to you as a child.
393
00:26:18,815 --> 00:26:20,132
Like when we were in school,
394
00:26:20,449 --> 00:26:23,941
we had school teachers stand in front of
every single one of us
395
00:26:24,306 --> 00:26:28,202
and go, "If you work hard,
and you put your mind to it
396
00:26:28,393 --> 00:26:30,433
you can achieve anything."
397
00:26:31,338 --> 00:26:32,504
You know what that was?
398
00:26:32,917 --> 00:26:34,695
That was a fucking lie.
399
00:26:35,671 --> 00:26:39,655
You can't achieve anything, nobody can,
don't put that pressure on yourself.
400
00:26:40,076 --> 00:26:42,211
Everybody in the world has limitations.
401
00:26:42,592 --> 00:26:45,306
No matter how hard I think about it,
no matter how hard I practice,
402
00:26:45,401 --> 00:26:48,996
never be in the NBA 'cause I'm a fat
white guy, not a tall black guy.
403
00:26:52,060 --> 00:26:55,115
Like, do you remember that
fat fucking dumb ugly kid
404
00:26:55,150 --> 00:26:57,356
who couldn't fucking catch a ball?
405
00:26:57,470 --> 00:26:59,343
You know those kids are like,
like if he was like
406
00:26:59,668 --> 00:27:02,025
one IQ smaller he'd get benefits.
407
00:27:02,167 --> 00:27:06,485
But he's just, he's just on the
border of retardation. Right?
408
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,128
That kid was told he could
achieve anything.
409
00:27:13,787 --> 00:27:14,787
Right?
410
00:27:15,327 --> 00:27:19,191
You know what they should've done with that kid?
They could've going, "Aye Kevin, you fat prick
411
00:27:20,303 --> 00:27:22,279
dig a fucking hole you dumb cunt.
412
00:27:23,604 --> 00:27:28,501
Alright you fuck that up as well but no one
else wants to do it, so you got the gig big boy."
413
00:27:30,970 --> 00:27:31,970
And while I'm at it
414
00:27:33,338 --> 00:27:35,322
if you're a dumb ugly cunt
415
00:27:36,116 --> 00:27:39,345
and your wife or your husband
is a dumb ugly cunt
416
00:27:40,346 --> 00:27:41,822
guess what you're fucking kids are?
417
00:27:43,687 --> 00:27:47,068
Your kids are dumb ugly cunts
just like fucking you.
418
00:27:47,235 --> 00:27:51,425
Except they're fucking super
concentrate dumb ugly cunts.
419
00:27:52,481 --> 00:27:56,766
'Cause they come from both of you
into a bottleneck of fucking retardation.
420
00:27:57,909 --> 00:28:00,107
But you still think they're the
greatest things out there.
421
00:28:00,148 --> 00:28:05,409
You go to their soccer games, "Keep the ball
John, you're doing a good job. He's getting better."
422
00:28:08,093 --> 00:28:10,476
You should fucking lock that thing up.
423
00:28:14,557 --> 00:28:19,227
But it doesn't matter if you're an idiot and
you're stupid and you can't fucking catch a ball
424
00:28:19,250 --> 00:28:21,433
and everything in your life
is retarded, because you know,
425
00:28:21,936 --> 00:28:24,253
you'll always be welcome with God.
426
00:28:25,713 --> 00:28:28,451
God loves this stupid and the fucking...
427
00:28:30,245 --> 00:28:32,411
This is the thing about
people who believe in God,
428
00:28:35,023 --> 00:28:36,023
they're idiots.
429
00:28:41,626 --> 00:28:44,245
There's no dancing around it.
430
00:28:44,340 --> 00:28:46,697
You're a borderline fucking mentalist.
431
00:28:46,753 --> 00:28:51,260
You're an idiot, you're like a 13 year old
kid who still believes in Santa.
432
00:28:51,309 --> 00:28:54,253
"Santa is still gonna give gifts"
Oh fuck you.
433
00:28:57,070 --> 00:28:58,721
You know it...
434
00:29:01,781 --> 00:29:06,962
I don't hate people who believe in God.
I don't hate them. Right?
435
00:29:07,010 --> 00:29:10,927
But I just don't wanna talk to them.
I don't wanna be around them.
436
00:29:12,713 --> 00:29:15,633
It's like how I don't hate
the mentally insane.
437
00:29:16,578 --> 00:29:20,879
Right? But the mentally insane and
religious people are the same fucking bag.
438
00:29:21,991 --> 00:29:26,498
If I'm staying in a bar chatting to either
of them eventually I'll walk away going,
439
00:29:26,761 --> 00:29:27,761
"Okay..."
440
00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:34,840
See...
441
00:29:36,634 --> 00:29:40,833
Do you know that I live in America, so I
have to deal with this all fucking day, OK.
442
00:29:40,903 --> 00:29:44,316
Eighty five percent of americans
believe in God, that's mental.
443
00:29:45,110 --> 00:29:47,831
Here in Britain, it's like 36%.
444
00:29:48,094 --> 00:29:50,633
In Australia it's 27%
445
00:29:51,046 --> 00:29:53,847
I think in Canada, it's like in the 60s.
446
00:29:53,991 --> 00:29:57,546
And in Russia... no one.
447
00:29:59,356 --> 00:30:02,070
Do you wanna know why?
'Cause it's fucking cold.
448
00:30:05,831 --> 00:30:09,062
No one believes in God, so all
the russians they don't get to go to heaven
449
00:30:09,063 --> 00:30:11,063
because they were born
in the wrong country.
450
00:30:11,584 --> 00:30:13,576
Born in the wrong country,
you don't get to go to heaven.
451
00:30:14,308 --> 00:30:17,297
Americans borned in the
right country, hey
452
00:30:17,551 --> 00:30:20,043
you get to go in heaven.
You were born in the right place.
453
00:30:20,345 --> 00:30:23,328
'Cause God's very particular
about where you're born.
454
00:30:24,035 --> 00:30:28,463
Right? So half of you fucking cunts
get to go to heaven 'cause you're british
455
00:30:28,470 --> 00:30:29,700
Few australians get to go.
456
00:30:30,222 --> 00:30:35,250
Then the americans all get to go and
most of the canadians get to fucking go
457
00:30:35,277 --> 00:30:39,999
And then, there's those dumb cunts
in those muslim countries, aye?
458
00:30:40,952 --> 00:30:44,213
They don't even believe in the
right God, they're fucking dead.
459
00:30:44,372 --> 00:30:48,011
They're not going, and what about
those dumb asian fucks? Aye?
460
00:30:48,587 --> 00:30:51,983
With that fat cunt Buddha,
they don't get to go to heaven.
461
00:30:52,015 --> 00:30:54,610
'Cause they've made up
a God that doesn't exist.
462
00:30:54,682 --> 00:30:58,602
And then there's the indians, with
their fucking monkey/elephant God.
463
00:30:59,468 --> 00:31:03,697
What is wrong with them? They must be
retarded, they're believing in the wrong God.
464
00:31:04,007 --> 00:31:07,412
Not us though, we were
born in the right country.
465
00:31:13,505 --> 00:31:15,673
'Cause God selects countries.
466
00:31:16,215 --> 00:31:19,453
That's why they always
say "God bless America".
467
00:31:19,914 --> 00:31:22,255
Because the world's billions of years old.
468
00:31:22,390 --> 00:31:25,017
And America is 250 years old.
469
00:31:25,105 --> 00:31:27,914
And that's when God
decided to chose a team.
470
00:31:33,772 --> 00:31:36,978
You know there's a webpage called "askgod"?
471
00:31:37,606 --> 00:31:41,502
Where children can write questions to God.
472
00:31:42,630 --> 00:31:44,788
And then, through the power of the internet
473
00:31:49,257 --> 00:31:50,804
God will answer them.
474
00:31:51,518 --> 00:31:53,637
I'm a bit dubious, but...
475
00:31:54,677 --> 00:31:58,153
So the most asked question on askgod is
476
00:31:58,550 --> 00:32:01,016
"Were there kangaroos in the ark?"
477
00:32:01,058 --> 00:32:02,058
So
478
00:32:03,376 --> 00:32:05,820
Children can ask any question in the world.
479
00:32:06,022 --> 00:32:09,399
But a child mind works like this,
they go, "I like kangaroos.
480
00:32:09,669 --> 00:32:13,081
I think the ark's story is bullshit,
so Shazam!"
481
00:32:15,352 --> 00:32:17,105
And the answer to that question is,
482
00:32:17,622 --> 00:32:21,050
Although there are no mention
of kangaroos in the Bible
483
00:32:21,328 --> 00:32:23,804
it does state that there
was 2 of each animal.
484
00:32:24,042 --> 00:32:27,970
So you can be assured that
there were kangaroos in the ark.
485
00:32:28,788 --> 00:32:31,748
Now, why's there no mention
of kangaroos in the Bible?
486
00:32:32,042 --> 00:32:33,343
Could it be
487
00:32:33,868 --> 00:32:38,835
that when the Bible was written, Australia
hadn't been found therefor
488
00:32:39,392 --> 00:32:41,526
no mention of kangaroos.
489
00:32:42,932 --> 00:32:45,852
But didn't God create kangaroos?
490
00:32:47,321 --> 00:32:50,558
Isn't the Bible written through the hand
of man, through the voice of God?
491
00:32:51,686 --> 00:32:53,693
Why wouldn't He mentioned the kangaroos?
492
00:32:55,035 --> 00:32:57,114
They're such an exciting animal.
493
00:32:59,654 --> 00:33:04,634
It seems to me that they're only
seem to mention things in the Bible
494
00:33:04,665 --> 00:33:10,489
that are within a 5 miles (8 km)
radius of the guy writing it.
495
00:33:12,735 --> 00:33:14,401
Like, if I was God
496
00:33:14,582 --> 00:33:16,169
at the end of the Bible
497
00:33:16,241 --> 00:33:18,598
I would have lent in and gone,
498
00:33:20,003 --> 00:33:21,103
"Oi, tell them it's round."
499
00:33:25,162 --> 00:33:28,671
'cause... didn't know
the world was round.
500
00:33:30,170 --> 00:33:32,008
Fucking built it, didn't know it was round.
501
00:33:34,710 --> 00:33:35,710
Now,
502
00:33:36,869 --> 00:33:41,781
I dislike religious people.
I didn't say, don't dis... go back.
503
00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:43,440
Now,
504
00:33:44,599 --> 00:33:45,599
the thing is
505
00:33:46,369 --> 00:33:50,148
what I hate about christians is
506
00:33:50,932 --> 00:33:55,027
they start sentences like this,
"As a christian..."
507
00:33:56,242 --> 00:33:58,376
You can't start a sentence like that,
508
00:33:58,583 --> 00:34:00,599
and explain to me that your
509
00:34:00,665 --> 00:34:03,768
rest of your sentence has any more meaning
than the beginning of the sentence.
510
00:34:04,816 --> 00:34:09,180
It means bullshit, that's a little fucking
get out of jail free card shit you do.
511
00:34:10,014 --> 00:34:13,744
Right? 'Cause I can't get in court
and start a sentence like this,
512
00:34:14,125 --> 00:34:15,125
"As an atheist...
513
00:34:17,268 --> 00:34:19,783
I didn't rape her, didn't rape her...
514
00:34:20,752 --> 00:34:22,847
She was, she was giving me a lift"
515
00:34:24,490 --> 00:34:25,490
and
516
00:34:28,705 --> 00:34:29,705
Now,
517
00:34:30,181 --> 00:34:32,474
When I started this show
518
00:34:32,816 --> 00:34:34,299
my first routine
519
00:34:34,609 --> 00:34:36,239
was about how lesbians
520
00:34:36,283 --> 00:34:40,652
were fat, ugly, useless
with no sense of humor.
521
00:34:41,731 --> 00:34:44,048
And you couldn't applaud more.
522
00:34:44,540 --> 00:34:47,770
Then I killed an arab man
from a fucking helicopter.
523
00:34:48,413 --> 00:34:49,881
Just shot him dead.
524
00:34:50,715 --> 00:34:55,095
Then I said that christians are
bullshit and there is no God.
525
00:34:55,620 --> 00:34:59,127
And that's the moment, when half the
audience chose to be offended.
526
00:35:02,334 --> 00:35:05,103
Was that the fucking moment that got you?
527
00:35:05,985 --> 00:35:10,492
How very christian of you towards
the muslims and the lesbians.
528
00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:22,289
Next time, start your sentences with
529
00:35:22,726 --> 00:35:24,781
"Well, as a hypocrite..."
530
00:35:30,273 --> 00:35:34,368
I'll tell you this last thing about you, you think
you're a good person because you have christian values.
531
00:35:34,424 --> 00:35:37,599
Do you wanna know what christian values
are? Christian values are a load of shit.
532
00:35:38,226 --> 00:35:39,377
What are christian values?
533
00:35:39,402 --> 00:35:43,916
The 10 commandments. Well the 10 commandments
are very sensible rules to live your life by.
534
00:35:44,393 --> 00:35:46,106
You know what's a load of shit about them?
535
00:35:46,194 --> 00:35:49,622
The fact that you had to
have them written down.
536
00:35:51,091 --> 00:35:54,948
The fact you couldn't figure out
internally not kill people.
537
00:35:55,258 --> 00:35:57,400
Don't steal. Really?
538
00:36:00,282 --> 00:36:03,130
You should just know these,
This should be internal in you.
539
00:36:03,686 --> 00:36:07,916
The Bible is too wordy. All the story is too wordy.
The 10 commandments are a load of shit.
540
00:36:08,115 --> 00:36:09,662
You don't need all these things.
541
00:36:09,856 --> 00:36:11,848
The Bible should be one sheet of paper.
542
00:36:12,113 --> 00:36:14,295
And on that sheet of paper it should say,
543
00:36:15,202 --> 00:36:16,479
"Try not to be a cunt."
544
00:36:22,637 --> 00:36:26,916
If you do that, every day,
you'd be a good person.
545
00:36:30,472 --> 00:36:34,215
We're tryna sell this show
to the americans. I don't like our chances.
546
00:36:37,543 --> 00:36:40,177
So, let's do something we can all enjoy.
547
00:36:43,892 --> 00:36:46,209
Sometimes when I'm fucking a chick.
548
00:36:48,202 --> 00:36:51,932
I go to fuck them again in the morning,
and they'll say something like this,
549
00:36:53,154 --> 00:36:54,154
"No.
550
00:36:59,821 --> 00:37:03,257
When we fucked last night, it
was a little bit dry,
551
00:37:03,607 --> 00:37:04,884
and now I'm sore."
552
00:37:06,535 --> 00:37:07,535
Now,
553
00:37:07,908 --> 00:37:12,138
to any woman who's said something
similar to this, may I say,
554
00:37:13,217 --> 00:37:15,097
"Your problem.
555
00:37:16,368 --> 00:37:18,709
My job was to get an erection.
556
00:37:19,042 --> 00:37:21,193
Your job was to get your hole wet.
557
00:37:22,828 --> 00:37:25,002
Didn't you get your hole wet?
558
00:37:25,550 --> 00:37:27,978
We both had things to do!"
559
00:37:30,209 --> 00:37:31,209
See...
560
00:37:34,185 --> 00:37:37,431
if I don't get an erection during sex,
I'm called impotent.
561
00:37:37,828 --> 00:37:40,946
But a dry hole is the same
as a flaccid penis.
562
00:37:42,129 --> 00:37:44,851
A dry hole is an impotent hole
563
00:37:44,999 --> 00:37:48,827
and you're not a complete woman and
you should be ashamed of yourself.
564
00:37:54,460 --> 00:37:58,594
But women don't take
responsibility for the dry hole.
565
00:37:58,865 --> 00:38:02,222
If I go to fuck a chick tonight
and I get too drunk, which I will.
566
00:38:02,341 --> 00:38:06,411
And I go to fuck a chick and I don't get
an erection, she'll go back to her friends
567
00:38:06,450 --> 00:38:10,679
and go, "Oh, I went to fuck that Jim
Jefferies. He couldn't get an erection."
568
00:38:11,008 --> 00:38:13,365
But if I go to fuck a chick
and she doesn't get wet,
569
00:38:13,643 --> 00:38:16,611
she'll go back to her friends and go,
"I fucked Jim Jefferies.
570
00:38:17,501 --> 00:38:19,302
He didn't even get me wet."
571
00:38:21,541 --> 00:38:23,318
Do you see the problem there?
572
00:38:23,525 --> 00:38:25,667
I'm in charge of everything.
573
00:38:26,985 --> 00:38:30,620
It's like... I used to fuck this
chick for a while.
574
00:38:30,827 --> 00:38:33,358
I start fucking her,
575
00:38:34,430 --> 00:38:37,922
and she sent me a text, well, you know, I just
stopped calling her, you know, just ignored her.
576
00:38:38,224 --> 00:38:41,572
And she sent me a text message
a month later that went,
577
00:38:41,652 --> 00:38:45,509
"Oh, by the way, you never made me cum."
578
00:38:45,724 --> 00:38:48,533
And I was like, "Pfft, really?
579
00:38:49,057 --> 00:38:51,580
You think you're the one who makes me cum?
580
00:38:53,898 --> 00:38:55,834
Do you want to know who makes me cum?
581
00:38:55,986 --> 00:38:57,850
I make me cum!
582
00:38:58,081 --> 00:39:02,191
All the horrible thoughts I have
in my fucking head makes me cum!
583
00:39:02,613 --> 00:39:06,985
You have very little to do with it.
You're just the container I shoot it into."
584
00:39:13,804 --> 00:39:16,311
But let's go back to the dry cunt.
585
00:39:18,772 --> 00:39:23,581
There are women in the room who are thinking, "Maybe
I wouldn't be dry if there was a bit of foreplay."
586
00:39:24,311 --> 00:39:26,001
Let's explain foreplay.
587
00:39:26,518 --> 00:39:30,295
Foreplay is what we do to each other
to get each other ready for sex.
588
00:39:30,811 --> 00:39:32,573
If I have an erection,
589
00:39:33,677 --> 00:39:35,859
that means I'm ready for sex.
590
00:39:36,938 --> 00:39:39,303
And I'm all foreplayed out.
591
00:39:40,288 --> 00:39:43,557
Now, the foreplay that's necessary
for a woman goes like this:
592
00:39:44,304 --> 00:39:46,811
You got to start by kissing them.
593
00:39:47,962 --> 00:39:49,605
Women love kissing.
594
00:39:50,153 --> 00:39:52,327
Men don't give a shit about kissing.
595
00:39:53,192 --> 00:39:57,478
We kiss you because we like you and
let's be honest, we spoil you.
596
00:40:02,308 --> 00:40:04,696
Men don't give a fuck about kissing.
597
00:40:04,943 --> 00:40:08,450
Used to like kissing when
we were in our early teens.
598
00:40:09,022 --> 00:40:10,887
Then someone sucked our dick.
599
00:40:12,911 --> 00:40:15,569
And then, "What's this kissing thing?
600
00:40:15,784 --> 00:40:18,204
Why am I kissing this person?
601
00:40:18,371 --> 00:40:21,910
Why would I ride on the swings?
I've already been to Disneyland."
602
00:40:25,919 --> 00:40:29,466
But we kiss you 'cause we like you
and we're a charitable bunch.
603
00:40:32,101 --> 00:40:34,299
Then you start kissing down the neck.
604
00:40:34,705 --> 00:40:36,482
Now, the whole time you're doing this,
605
00:40:36,816 --> 00:40:39,760
you're working downwards, towards the cunt.
606
00:40:40,649 --> 00:40:43,014
Now, you know you're going to the cunt.
607
00:40:43,173 --> 00:40:45,410
She knows you're going to the cunt.
608
00:40:45,530 --> 00:40:50,831
Everybody knows...
you're going to the cunt.
609
00:40:51,093 --> 00:40:56,220
But for some unbeknown reason, you have
to act like you're not going to the cunt
610
00:40:57,086 --> 00:41:00,816
and that you're enjoying the
journey of this creature.
611
00:41:02,514 --> 00:41:04,791
Women, you got to give them a journey.
612
00:41:04,919 --> 00:41:06,767
Men don't give a shit about a journey.
613
00:41:06,855 --> 00:41:10,180
If a man's driving from point A to point B,
614
00:41:10,268 --> 00:41:14,688
we fill the tank, we get on the motorway,
we make good time, right?
615
00:41:16,945 --> 00:41:19,762
With women, you got to give them
a fucking journey.
616
00:41:20,929 --> 00:41:24,929
You got to take them by the water
or antiquing or some shit.
617
00:41:27,921 --> 00:41:30,833
See, the thing is women
read so many magazines
618
00:41:30,929 --> 00:41:34,882
about how to send your man wild
and how to titillate your man
619
00:41:34,907 --> 00:41:37,802
and all these 25 steps to do all the...
620
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:41,206
It's a lot of fucking bullshit.
"Oh, get a feather."
621
00:41:41,667 --> 00:41:43,738
"Involve food in the relationship."
622
00:41:44,659 --> 00:41:47,524
This is all bullshit.
"Play with his nipples."
623
00:41:47,778 --> 00:41:49,643
These things are fucking dead!
624
00:41:50,881 --> 00:41:53,833
They're dead to me! These mean nothing!
625
00:41:54,096 --> 00:41:59,302
You could cut these off and donate them
to some poor african child without nipples!
626
00:42:00,580 --> 00:42:02,135
I wouldn't give a fuck.
627
00:42:03,413 --> 00:42:05,365
This is what we want you to do:
628
00:42:05,580 --> 00:42:07,214
Fucking suck our cock
629
00:42:07,784 --> 00:42:09,427
and cup our balls.
630
00:42:09,499 --> 00:42:11,251
And when you're sucking our cock,
631
00:42:11,276 --> 00:42:12,794
look like you're in a bit of pain
632
00:42:12,834 --> 00:42:15,746
because we enjoy it if
you look uncomfortable.
633
00:42:22,857 --> 00:42:25,285
Anyway, but back to the lady.
634
00:42:27,079 --> 00:42:28,602
You keep kissing down.
635
00:42:29,230 --> 00:42:30,459
Now you're at the tits.
636
00:42:30,754 --> 00:42:32,523
Now, tits are a mixed bag.
637
00:42:32,976 --> 00:42:37,190
Some tits you got to be firm with.
Some tits you got to be soft with.
638
00:42:37,460 --> 00:42:39,705
Some tits, you can bite the nipple.
639
00:42:39,896 --> 00:42:42,157
Some tits, don't even go near the nipple.
640
00:42:43,372 --> 00:42:46,002
Tits are like golf, you play
the course you're on.
641
00:42:46,026 --> 00:42:46,926
Then...
642
00:42:51,628 --> 00:42:53,405
you keep kissing down.
643
00:42:54,754 --> 00:42:56,079
Now you're at the cunt.
644
00:42:57,206 --> 00:42:59,476
But even when you get to the cunt,
645
00:42:59,825 --> 00:43:02,222
you have to act like
you're not at the cunt.
646
00:43:02,921 --> 00:43:06,976
You have to act like you've stumbled
upon the cunt by accident.
647
00:43:08,794 --> 00:43:12,333
So, you'll be kissing, like, a
dimple-Y bit of thigh here,
648
00:43:12,905 --> 00:43:14,619
and the cunt's there.
649
00:43:16,119 --> 00:43:18,912
And you have to sort of almost, "Oh, hello!
650
00:43:22,373 --> 00:43:26,301
I was visiting dimple-y thigh.
I forgot you lived down here.
651
00:43:26,741 --> 00:43:29,717
No, always a pleasure, never a chore.
652
00:43:30,836 --> 00:43:33,447
Do you mind if I pop in?"
653
00:43:34,503 --> 00:43:39,312
Then you lick the whole general cunt area.
654
00:43:40,873 --> 00:43:43,238
Then there's a bit at the top of the cunt,
655
00:43:43,571 --> 00:43:45,555
If you lick that, they seem to enjoy it.
656
00:43:49,079 --> 00:43:52,079
This all takes between 10 and 40 minutes.
657
00:43:54,421 --> 00:43:56,555
And she might be wet.
658
00:44:00,738 --> 00:44:03,507
And that's the foreplay that's
necessary for a woman.
659
00:44:04,429 --> 00:44:07,285
Now, the foreplay that's
necessary for a man
660
00:44:08,278 --> 00:44:10,388
We just need to see you naked.
661
00:44:11,944 --> 00:44:16,031
Maybe you need kisses, caresses,
compliments, and licks,
662
00:44:17,016 --> 00:44:18,920
when all we need is you.
663
00:44:20,444 --> 00:44:23,325
Maybe we take our relationships seriously.
664
00:44:36,238 --> 00:44:38,523
Wasn't that a romantic joke?
665
00:44:40,336 --> 00:44:43,047
That involved the word cunt 15 times.
666
00:44:45,301 --> 00:44:48,261
Alright we have to keep moving this show
'cause I need to have a piss now.
667
00:44:49,246 --> 00:44:53,644
'Cause I've been drinking too much. I always get nervous
before things like this, and so I got hammered in the dressing room.
668
00:44:56,770 --> 00:44:59,468
This is the show,
it's called "Alcoholocaust" and this...
669
00:44:59,690 --> 00:45:02,991
because I'm planning, 'cause to me
that means the death of alcohol.
670
00:45:04,180 --> 00:45:08,314
'Cause I'm planning to stop drinking
after this Edinburgh Festival.
671
00:45:08,545 --> 00:45:10,449
I'm not, you know, I'm not promising.
672
00:45:12,347 --> 00:45:15,860
But I'd like to, this might be the last
DVD I record where I'm drunk.
673
00:45:15,882 --> 00:45:19,230
So the next DVD is gonna suck balls.
674
00:45:24,646 --> 00:45:27,233
The thing is I called this show "Alcoholocaust" and now,
675
00:45:27,344 --> 00:45:31,066
'cause I live in America, some
jewish people have gotten offended.
676
00:45:32,836 --> 00:45:36,614
And I'm like no, it's not like I meant
the Holocaust is getting people drunk.
677
00:45:40,067 --> 00:45:42,915
It's just a funny word.
678
00:45:43,638 --> 00:45:48,233
I tell you what though,
I did a gig in Poland.
679
00:45:48,832 --> 00:45:51,681
and when I was out there, I did a
corporate gig out in Poland.
680
00:45:52,624 --> 00:45:54,655
I went out to Auschwitz.
See, a lot of you
681
00:45:54,730 --> 00:45:59,031
un-educated people, thought it was in
Germany didn't you? Auschwitz is in Poland.
682
00:45:59,708 --> 00:46:01,239
And I went out there
683
00:46:01,803 --> 00:46:05,620
and apart from the "concentration camp-y"
bit in the corner
684
00:46:07,240 --> 00:46:09,398
the rest of it it's delightful.
685
00:46:12,277 --> 00:46:14,459
It's a beautiful little village.
686
00:46:15,657 --> 00:46:18,424
I reckon the tourism board
needs to get together and go,
687
00:46:18,495 --> 00:46:22,669
"Okay, we have a bit of a bad rep.
688
00:46:24,754 --> 00:46:26,627
Has anyone got any ideas?
689
00:46:27,143 --> 00:46:28,793
Hans, give it to me.
690
00:46:30,270 --> 00:46:36,650
Yep, that's true. We do have the biggest
tower of second-hand shoes in the world.
691
00:46:37,924 --> 00:46:40,035
I don't know
692
00:46:41,043 --> 00:46:43,170
I don't know if that's a keeper,
693
00:46:45,329 --> 00:46:47,043
but write it down.
694
00:46:51,186 --> 00:46:54,185
Johan, even though that's
a scandinavian name.
695
00:46:56,361 --> 00:46:58,773
Uh-huh, u-huh, Pizza Festival, you say.
696
00:46:59,448 --> 00:47:04,076
as we can cook 400 pizzas as once."
697
00:47:06,102 --> 00:47:09,443
This bit won't be in the DVD.
698
00:47:13,008 --> 00:47:14,706
It's a funny joke though.
699
00:47:18,237 --> 00:47:21,617
I like living in Britain because my,
700
00:47:21,697 --> 00:47:24,570
my obvious alcohol problem...
701
00:47:25,943 --> 00:47:28,221
isn't a problem here.
702
00:47:30,602 --> 00:47:35,054
Before I came on stage here, my manager,
the last thing he said to me was,
703
00:47:35,243 --> 00:47:36,443
"Do you need another drink?"
704
00:47:38,004 --> 00:47:41,736
That would never happen in America
when I recorded my special in America,
705
00:47:42,059 --> 00:47:44,114
they employed someone
706
00:47:44,418 --> 00:47:48,241
to stands by the bar to make
sure I didn't get wasted.
707
00:47:49,686 --> 00:47:51,971
'Cause americans they don't really drink
708
00:47:52,218 --> 00:47:54,114
like you people (british) drink,
709
00:47:54,250 --> 00:47:55,880
like they think they do.
710
00:47:55,880 --> 00:47:59,622
But they're very into like drinking games.
711
00:47:59,708 --> 00:48:02,724
You people would never
play drinking games. Right?
712
00:48:02,774 --> 00:48:06,714
Whenever like I'm out drinking in America, I always meet
something like a college boy who comes to me and go,
713
00:48:06,786 --> 00:48:10,349
"Hey dude, ever played beer pong?"
714
00:48:11,580 --> 00:48:13,738
And I went like, "What's beer pong?"
715
00:48:13,802 --> 00:48:18,267
"You gotta get a ping pong ball, you gotta throw it in the cup,
if you don't get it in the cup, then you gotta chug your beer."
716
00:48:21,017 --> 00:48:23,841
And I'm like,
"Well, let me just get it straight.
717
00:48:25,307 --> 00:48:26,981
I'm trying to get drunk,
718
00:48:29,703 --> 00:48:32,410
and you're putting
an activity in front of me
719
00:48:32,568 --> 00:48:34,456
that may impede me
720
00:48:35,536 --> 00:48:37,322
from getting to my beverage?"
721
00:48:39,147 --> 00:48:42,282
I said, "They have a drinking game in
England, do you wanna know what it's called?"
722
00:48:42,906 --> 00:48:43,906
Drinking!
723
00:48:46,541 --> 00:48:48,445
And this is how it's played.
724
00:48:49,584 --> 00:48:51,944
What you do is, you have a
drink, then you get another drink.
725
00:48:51,950 --> 00:48:54,471
You have a drink, have a drink, have a drink,
have a drink, have a drink, have a drink.
726
00:48:54,814 --> 00:48:56,457
You do this as fast as you can.
727
00:48:56,624 --> 00:49:00,203
And if you get so drunk that
your friend has to drive you home,
728
00:49:00,394 --> 00:49:01,933
then you fucking win.
729
00:49:18,829 --> 00:49:21,384
How many more do you reckon
there is behind there?
730
00:49:22,139 --> 00:49:24,995
There's a dwarf behind there
mixing me a cocktail.
731
00:49:30,558 --> 00:49:32,875
I am fucking drunk, though.
732
00:49:35,233 --> 00:49:36,233
Alright...
733
00:49:37,074 --> 00:49:39,105
I'm gonna tell you a story.
734
00:49:39,219 --> 00:49:43,139
This story's very long. The first 3 minutes
of this story are very depressing.
735
00:49:44,354 --> 00:49:45,774
Just hitching up my pants.
736
00:49:46,901 --> 00:49:51,036
First 3 minutes of this story are very depressing,
but there is a moment where this story takes flight.
737
00:49:51,367 --> 00:49:56,343
And you have to hang in there with me until this
moment and trust me that the story's gonna get good.
738
00:49:58,375 --> 00:50:00,747
I grew up at No. 3 Turramurra street.
739
00:50:01,184 --> 00:50:02,557
At number 5,
740
00:50:03,057 --> 00:50:07,065
was my 2 best childhood friends,
Andrew and Daniel Connor.
741
00:50:07,986 --> 00:50:10,692
Daniel was born with a disease
called muscular dystrophy.
742
00:50:10,811 --> 00:50:13,040
If you don't know what muscular
dystrophy is, it's a horrible
743
00:50:13,065 --> 00:50:15,296
disease that wastes away at your muscles.
744
00:50:15,375 --> 00:50:18,208
It's the same as Lou Gehrig's
disease or motor neuron disease,
745
00:50:18,272 --> 00:50:20,263
except you're born with it.
746
00:50:20,677 --> 00:50:25,787
You get diagnosed when you're about 6 years old, when
you're not walking right and they put you on crutches.
747
00:50:26,378 --> 00:50:28,560
By the time you're 10,
you're in a wheelchair.
748
00:50:28,886 --> 00:50:32,155
By the time you're 20, you're in
a completely vegetative state.
749
00:50:32,799 --> 00:50:35,116
Most people die before their 25th birthday.
750
00:50:36,137 --> 00:50:38,422
Dan's lived to be 33 years old,
751
00:50:38,677 --> 00:50:40,057
still alive and kicking.
752
00:50:41,550 --> 00:50:42,550
Let me rephrase that,
753
00:50:45,289 --> 00:50:46,981
Still alive.
754
00:50:48,418 --> 00:50:53,544
He's actually died 7 times in his life and
been resuscitated, 7.
755
00:50:54,140 --> 00:50:56,935
And I once asked him, I said,
"Dan, what happens after you die?"
756
00:50:57,046 --> 00:50:59,646
And he said, "Nothing".
757
00:51:01,068 --> 00:51:04,084
So, good luck with your
religion and your faith.
758
00:51:05,537 --> 00:51:08,020
I'll take an actual statistic.
759
00:51:10,576 --> 00:51:12,862
Now, his family had since
moved to Melbourne.
760
00:51:14,025 --> 00:51:18,358
I had moved to Great Britain. I went to do the Melbourne
Comedy Festival. This was about a year ago.
761
00:51:18,772 --> 00:51:23,232
I hadn't seen him in all that time.
His brother Andrew came to see my show,
762
00:51:23,431 --> 00:51:25,288
and then Andrew took me to see Dan.
763
00:51:25,482 --> 00:51:28,783
And I went in to see him and I'd never seen
anyone live this long with this disease.
764
00:51:28,879 --> 00:51:33,061
And he's laying on a bed. His eyelids are a muscle
that he can't keep open anymore, and
765
00:51:33,163 --> 00:51:35,314
he's just squinting through
these little things.
766
00:51:35,460 --> 00:51:38,087
Has a breathing mask on
him to keep his lungs working
767
00:51:38,211 --> 00:51:40,838
because the lungs are a muscle
that he can't keep pumping.
768
00:51:41,367 --> 00:51:43,755
He has a heart-monitoring machine in case
769
00:51:43,803 --> 00:51:47,176
he flat-lines in the middle of the night
and someone has to resuscitate him.
770
00:51:47,531 --> 00:51:51,770
And as soon as I walked in and saw this guy
that I used to run around with as a child,
771
00:51:52,531 --> 00:51:54,078
I burst into tears.
772
00:51:54,799 --> 00:51:58,149
There's nothing worse you can give anyone
in this world than pity, you know?
773
00:51:58,470 --> 00:52:01,656
I went in the corridor.
I felt like a right prick.
774
00:52:01,969 --> 00:52:04,079
And I was fucking wiping my eyes off.
775
00:52:05,325 --> 00:52:06,761
And I went back in,
776
00:52:07,076 --> 00:52:09,766
and I sat with Dan, and his
brother Andrew went off to work.
777
00:52:10,137 --> 00:52:12,144
And me and Dan chatted for a while.
778
00:52:13,261 --> 00:52:16,165
Twenty minutes into the
conversation, Dan says to me,
779
00:52:17,021 --> 00:52:19,943
"Jim, I'm 32 years old.
780
00:52:20,669 --> 00:52:22,295
I've never been with a woman.
781
00:52:22,851 --> 00:52:24,605
Will you take me to a prostitute?"
782
00:52:24,883 --> 00:52:27,232
And that's where the story
picks up, ladies and gentlemen,
783
00:52:28,711 --> 00:52:30,615
'cause I went, "Fuck, yeah!"
784
00:52:31,219 --> 00:52:34,600
And he went, "But don't tell my brother. He wouldn't
understand." And I said, "That's where you're wrong.
785
00:52:34,862 --> 00:52:37,163
I've known your brother my entire life.
786
00:52:37,358 --> 00:52:39,234
Trust me, he will understand."
787
00:52:39,278 --> 00:52:42,540
And against Dan's will, when Andrew came home
from work, I pulled Andrew aside and said,
788
00:52:42,599 --> 00:52:46,997
"Andrew, look, here's the deal.
Dan's asked me to take him to a prostitute.
789
00:52:47,225 --> 00:52:48,914
I'm gonna do it whether you like it or not,
790
00:52:48,937 --> 00:52:51,387
but I think, as his brother, you should
come along and help out."
791
00:52:51,866 --> 00:52:53,984
And Andrew went, "We're not doing it."
792
00:52:54,183 --> 00:52:56,826
And I went, "Why?"
And he went, "It'll kill him."
793
00:52:56,948 --> 00:52:58,848
And I went [ Exhales heavily ]
794
00:53:03,222 --> 00:53:05,451
"He's gonna die soon anyway.
795
00:53:05,515 --> 00:53:07,562
This is a good way for him to go.
796
00:53:07,618 --> 00:53:10,253
Like, sure, we'll have to
answer a few questions."
797
00:53:13,790 --> 00:53:18,551
And he said, "We're not doing it." And I said, "Why?"
And he goes, "'Cause mom doesn't like you already!"
798
00:53:19,709 --> 00:53:22,297
And I went, "Your mom's never liked me!
799
00:53:22,876 --> 00:53:25,249
That's why I'm the right guy
to kill your brother!"
800
00:53:28,029 --> 00:53:32,272
And he said, "All right, we'll do it, but he
can't have full sex. Full sex will kill him.
801
00:53:32,440 --> 00:53:36,265
He can only have a blowjob."
And I thought that was fairly reasonable.
802
00:53:37,365 --> 00:53:40,356
So, we went back in and saw Dan.
He was where we left him.
803
00:53:41,103 --> 00:53:42,103
And we said...
804
00:53:46,605 --> 00:53:47,605
"Dan,
805
00:53:47,779 --> 00:53:51,390
here's the deal. I know you told me not to
tell your brother, but I told your brother.
806
00:53:51,671 --> 00:53:54,567
Me and him are both gonna take
you to the knock shop tomorrow, mate,
807
00:53:54,769 --> 00:53:57,879
but you can't have full sex.
You can only have a blowjob."
808
00:53:58,145 --> 00:54:00,065
And Dan went, "I want full sex."
809
00:54:00,139 --> 00:54:04,966
And his brother Andrew went, "Dan, you're
in no position to argue with anyone, ever."
810
00:54:06,560 --> 00:54:08,694
Then Dan reluctantly agreed.
811
00:54:08,921 --> 00:54:11,285
Now, prostitution in Australia is legal,
812
00:54:13,082 --> 00:54:18,677
so I spent the rest of the afternoon going through the
phone book, trying to find a brothel with wheelchair access.
813
00:54:20,018 --> 00:54:23,485
Best afternoon ever!
814
00:54:26,777 --> 00:54:30,872
Eventually, I found one, the biggest brothel
in the southern hemisphere, the Daily Planet,
815
00:54:31,063 --> 00:54:34,118
or, as the Australians call it,
"Four floors of whores."
816
00:54:36,354 --> 00:54:40,138
It's a 24-hour brothel because
Australia's a go-ahead country.
817
00:54:41,130 --> 00:54:45,580
So, we decided we were gonna go early in
the morning, like really early, like 6:00 A.M.
818
00:54:45,606 --> 00:54:49,642
We wanted to go in when the place was
quiet and we weren't gonna cause a scene.
819
00:54:50,714 --> 00:54:52,854
So, we wake him up at 6:00 in the morning.
820
00:54:52,880 --> 00:54:54,672
It's hard to tell if he's awake.
821
00:54:54,700 --> 00:54:55,548
And...
822
00:54:57,378 --> 00:55:02,088
we get him in his chair. Now, he hasn't
got your bog-standard fucking wheelchair.
823
00:55:02,217 --> 00:55:07,596
He's got one of those big sort of silver
looking things with the truck tires on it.
824
00:55:07,909 --> 00:55:09,463
I think the model's called a hawking.
825
00:55:09,957 --> 00:55:10,907
And...
826
00:55:13,612 --> 00:55:15,412
even though his muscles don't work,
827
00:55:15,422 --> 00:55:18,436
they get sore. So, this thing can
move him from side to side
828
00:55:18,474 --> 00:55:20,775
and back to front and even into a full bed.
829
00:55:21,650 --> 00:55:23,956
So, we get him in the chair.
Then we order a taxi.
830
00:55:24,434 --> 00:55:28,528
And then, it's not like you have black cabs
out there, it's like a normal car,
831
00:55:29,239 --> 00:55:32,787
but they've modified the back to go higher,
832
00:55:33,206 --> 00:55:37,364
and they drive him up through the boot
and they strap him in there.
833
00:55:38,458 --> 00:55:41,315
And he sits up high,
with windows all around him,
834
00:55:41,625 --> 00:55:44,505
like a big, retarded pope.
835
00:55:45,366 --> 00:55:48,096
Or, as the catholics would say, the pope.
836
00:55:52,819 --> 00:55:54,691
And we drive up to the brothel.
837
00:55:55,395 --> 00:55:58,927
Now, when we get to the brothel, it takes
10 minutes to get him off the taxi.
838
00:55:59,339 --> 00:56:01,680
I see this as my window of opportunity,
839
00:56:01,902 --> 00:56:05,297
so while they're getting him off
the taxi, I run into the brothel.
840
00:56:05,302 --> 00:56:07,341
Now, there's 2 ways the brothels work.
841
00:56:07,752 --> 00:56:13,330
Either the prostitutes will stand in a row in their
lingerie and you just pick the one that you want,
842
00:56:13,934 --> 00:56:18,264
or they'll stand around in a bar
in evening gowns and high heels
843
00:56:18,270 --> 00:56:22,736
and you walk up to the one that you
like the look of, chat to her for a bit,
844
00:56:22,973 --> 00:56:26,981
act like you've got some type of
connection with an eastern european woman,
845
00:56:27,370 --> 00:56:32,060
then take her upstairs and fuck her if
you need your life to be this delusional.
846
00:56:33,627 --> 00:56:38,618
This is one of these situations. So, while they're getting
Dan out of the cab, I run into the brothel and go,
847
00:56:39,030 --> 00:56:42,887
"Everyone, quickly, gather 'round!
848
00:56:43,883 --> 00:56:46,113
I haven't got much time!"
849
00:56:46,916 --> 00:56:49,996
And these 14 bemused hookers
shuffle over, and I went,
850
00:56:50,004 --> 00:56:53,604
"Look, here's the deal.
851
00:56:54,238 --> 00:56:57,182
I have a severely disabled friend with me.
852
00:56:57,720 --> 00:57:03,378
If you're not up for it, speak now
or forever hold your peace."
853
00:57:03,415 --> 00:57:06,629
And one of them went, "How bad is he?"
And I went,
854
00:57:11,735 --> 00:57:13,571
"Pretty fucking bad."
855
00:57:14,333 --> 00:57:17,999
And 10 of them said they wouldn't do it,
and I said, "Well, I respect that,
856
00:57:19,031 --> 00:57:23,299
but can you please go and hide? Because I
don't want him to be rejected by hookers."
857
00:57:25,260 --> 00:57:29,627
And these 10 girls shuffle away in their
evening gowns and their high heels,
858
00:57:29,856 --> 00:57:31,625
with gonorrhea (STD) falling out of them.
859
00:57:34,088 --> 00:57:38,072
I'm now left with 4 girls. The best
looking one by a mile stays.
860
00:57:38,484 --> 00:57:42,817
Dan wheels in, looking like Jabba the Hut,
breathing like Darth Vader.
861
00:57:44,009 --> 00:57:47,878
Two of the girls run away, and I'm like,
"Are you fucking kidding, you sluts?
862
00:57:49,787 --> 00:57:51,675
I just asked you nicely."
863
00:57:53,266 --> 00:57:55,335
So we're now left with 2 girls.
864
00:57:55,660 --> 00:57:58,945
The best-looking one's there.
The other one's a fucking troll.
865
00:58:00,445 --> 00:58:02,730
Now, out of respect for the ugly one,
866
00:58:03,675 --> 00:58:05,342
I go to Dan and go, "Dan,
867
00:58:06,320 --> 00:58:08,359
there's only 2 girls working today, mate.
868
00:58:11,333 --> 00:58:12,737
Which one do you want?"
869
00:58:13,117 --> 00:58:15,357
And he said, "The one in the green dress."
870
00:58:16,314 --> 00:58:17,314
Now,
871
00:58:17,696 --> 00:58:19,974
neither of them had a green dress.
872
00:58:21,577 --> 00:58:24,752
I stand up and look at Andrew and went,
"What the fuck is all this about?"
873
00:58:24,974 --> 00:58:28,553
And Andrew went, "Oh, yeah,
his eyes are fucked, as well."
874
00:58:30,010 --> 00:58:35,534
Now, it turns out that Dan's colorblind.
It's not part of the condition. It's just unfortunate.
875
00:58:38,840 --> 00:58:44,380
So... I sat with the hooker.
876
00:58:45,654 --> 00:58:47,550
Now, I'm gonna pay for everything.
877
00:58:50,299 --> 00:58:52,704
Now, the reason I'm gonna
pay for everything is simple.
878
00:58:53,325 --> 00:58:54,888
I told Dan and Andrew,
879
00:58:55,127 --> 00:58:56,730
that I would pay for everything,
880
00:58:56,960 --> 00:59:01,674
as long as I got to tell this story to
hundreds of thousands of people in the future.
881
00:59:02,611 --> 00:59:04,626
And they said, "Of course you can, Jim,
882
00:59:04,833 --> 00:59:07,920
but be respectful and change our names."
883
00:59:08,598 --> 00:59:11,634
Which sounds like the right
thing to do, now, doesn't it?
884
00:59:13,929 --> 00:59:15,920
Now, I haven't changed their names.
885
00:59:17,189 --> 00:59:22,474
Their names are Andrew and Daniel Connor
from St Kilda, Melbourne, Australia.
886
00:59:24,514 --> 00:59:28,379
I would have liked to have changed their
names. It is the right thing to do.
887
00:59:28,665 --> 00:59:29,990
But I look at this way,
888
00:59:30,483 --> 00:59:34,943
Even if I changed their names and their
parents started watching my comedy,
889
00:59:35,353 --> 00:59:40,472
they'd be like, "My word, doesn't 'Randy'
and 'Steve' sound like our kids?
890
00:59:43,810 --> 00:59:47,635
Didn't Jim grow up with a lot of
people with muscular dystrophy?"
891
00:59:53,701 --> 00:59:56,728
So, I sat there with the hooker, and
I said, "How much for the half-hour?"
892
00:59:56,746 --> 00:59:59,560
And she said, "$180."
And I said, "I'll give you $250
893
01:00:00,015 --> 01:00:03,221
'cause I realize this is a
specialty thing you're doing."
894
01:00:03,458 --> 01:00:07,507
And she goes, "I got one question for you"
and I said, "Shoot," and she went...
895
01:00:10,033 --> 01:00:11,738
"Is he mentally retarded?"
896
01:00:12,429 --> 01:00:13,429
And I went...
897
01:00:20,018 --> 01:00:21,018
"Oh, yeah.
898
01:00:22,550 --> 01:00:24,216
That's what I do.
899
01:00:24,589 --> 01:00:28,978
I find mentally retarded people
and take them to prostitutes.
900
01:00:32,446 --> 01:00:34,589
I'll be masturbating in the corner.
901
01:00:36,613 --> 01:00:38,914
He doesn't even know he's here."
902
01:00:40,002 --> 01:00:42,946
And she went, "Okay, then,
but if there's 2 of you..."
903
01:00:42,978 --> 01:00:45,525
"No, he's not mentally retarded!
904
01:00:46,161 --> 01:00:49,724
It's his choice to come here!
There's a good chance he'll die!"
905
01:00:52,494 --> 01:00:56,316
And she went, "What am I meant
to do with him?" And I went, "I don't know.
906
01:00:56,995 --> 01:00:58,856
I've never been a hooker.
907
01:01:00,828 --> 01:01:03,721
But I'm thinking give him a bit of a show.
908
01:01:04,364 --> 01:01:07,887
Dance it around a bit.
Rub your tits in his face.
909
01:01:08,364 --> 01:01:10,094
Then suck him off.
910
01:01:10,776 --> 01:01:12,927
But don't sit on him or fuck him.
911
01:01:14,255 --> 01:01:16,128
It'll kill him."
912
01:01:20,340 --> 01:01:23,365
So, we go up to the room, which,
thank god, was on the first floor.
913
01:01:27,074 --> 01:01:34,018
And me and Andrew look at Dan like 2 proud parents,
watching our child go to school for the first time.
914
01:01:40,441 --> 01:01:43,181
And then we leave. And as we proceed
to leave, I pat Andrew on the back,
915
01:01:43,205 --> 01:01:45,231
and I said "Andrew, you've been
a good brother today."
916
01:01:45,655 --> 01:01:47,615
He said, "Thanks, mate."
Then we had a hug.
917
01:01:48,162 --> 01:01:50,931
Then we had that moment after our hug
that australian men have, where we go,
918
01:01:50,955 --> 01:01:52,627
"Ah, get out of here. What's wrong with ya?"
919
01:01:54,548 --> 01:01:55,984
And then I said, "Hey, Andrew,
920
01:01:57,145 --> 01:01:59,224
how does Dan get his clothes off?"
921
01:02:00,769 --> 01:02:04,458
And Andrew went... "Fuck!"
922
01:02:05,656 --> 01:02:06,656
And we went back in.
923
01:02:08,536 --> 01:02:11,376
Andrew looks him up and down,
and he turns to me and goes, "Look,
924
01:02:12,202 --> 01:02:13,710
he's very fragile.
925
01:02:14,011 --> 01:02:16,264
I know how he likes to be picked up.
926
01:02:16,707 --> 01:02:19,167
I'll lift him up. You take his pants off."
927
01:02:20,300 --> 01:02:25,736
Andrew gets behind, lifts him up by his armpits,
like I couldn't have figured out their magical hold.
928
01:02:29,718 --> 01:02:32,956
I'm on my knees taking
Dan's track-suit pants off.
929
01:02:33,461 --> 01:02:35,967
He always wore track-suit pants,
never got into fashion.
930
01:02:36,266 --> 01:02:41,361
And as I'm taking his track-suit pants off,
what many of you are wondering is,
931
01:02:42,044 --> 01:02:44,091
"Can Dan get an erection?"
932
01:02:46,289 --> 01:02:47,630
And the answer is, "Yes".
933
01:02:49,302 --> 01:02:54,071
Even though none of the muscles in his body work, the cock
is not a muscle. The cock is a bit of skin that fills with blood.
934
01:02:54,424 --> 01:02:57,670
If he gets aroused up here,
blood will rush to there.
935
01:02:57,821 --> 01:03:00,614
Now, what nobody knew
936
01:03:01,257 --> 01:03:03,852
about this 32 year old virgin
937
01:03:04,332 --> 01:03:06,578
is that Dan's packing heat!
938
01:03:08,157 --> 01:03:11,736
I'm talking 9 and 1/2 inches (24 cm)
of disabled misery.
939
01:03:12,767 --> 01:03:17,324
This cock's so fucking big, I think that's
why the rest of his muscles didn't work.
940
01:03:18,491 --> 01:03:22,728
I take the pants off. This thing
springs up and hits me in the mouth.
941
01:03:31,804 --> 01:03:33,772
Then the hooker goes,
"Let's do the light."
942
01:03:36,782 --> 01:03:37,782
Let's explain the light.
943
01:03:38,861 --> 01:03:42,226
When they legalized prostitution in Australia,
they didn't legalize it in all forms.
944
01:03:42,735 --> 01:03:47,247
For instance, you can't get a street walking hooker.
You can't get a prostitute to your hotel room.
945
01:03:47,365 --> 01:03:50,835
You can only go to a brothel, in a safe
environment, where they have security
946
01:03:50,840 --> 01:03:54,432
for the girls in case a man shows up
being a drunken dickhead or whatever.
947
01:03:55,492 --> 01:03:58,657
And also it's safer for the
people that go to brothels
948
01:03:58,781 --> 01:04:02,477
because the girls get tested
for STDs every month.
949
01:04:02,977 --> 01:04:04,746
So, arguably,
950
01:04:05,338 --> 01:04:08,623
you're better off in Australia
fucking a prostitute
951
01:04:08,750 --> 01:04:10,774
than picking up a girl in a bar.
952
01:04:12,024 --> 01:04:14,755
But I'm not gonna have that
conversation again.
953
01:04:16,325 --> 01:04:21,601
All my... You try explaining that
to a girlfriend. It's a fucking minefield.
954
01:04:25,601 --> 01:04:27,973
But also they make it safe for the girls.
955
01:04:28,272 --> 01:04:32,018
If you're a guy who goes to a prostitute,
you have to undergo the light.
956
01:04:32,507 --> 01:04:35,507
Let's explain the light. It's very simple.
It sounds like what it is.
957
01:04:36,691 --> 01:04:37,691
You put your cock
958
01:04:39,143 --> 01:04:40,714
under a very bright light,
959
01:04:41,996 --> 01:04:43,563
and they look around the shaft
960
01:04:44,278 --> 01:04:46,349
to see if there's anything untoward.
961
01:04:47,107 --> 01:04:49,162
Then they get a magnifying glass out,
962
01:04:49,687 --> 01:04:53,798
go through your pubes to make
sure nothing's running around.
963
01:04:56,441 --> 01:04:59,575
It's not a big deal.
I've been rejected heaps of times.
964
01:05:02,792 --> 01:05:05,871
Now, the chair's here.
There's a bed here.
965
01:05:06,102 --> 01:05:07,585
There's a hot tub there.
966
01:05:07,926 --> 01:05:08,926
The light's over there.
967
01:05:09,360 --> 01:05:13,058
Now, we try to get the chair
past the bed and the hot tub,
968
01:05:13,407 --> 01:05:14,843
but we can't get it through.
969
01:05:14,893 --> 01:05:17,405
So, me and Andrew walk over to
the hooker, and we're whispering
970
01:05:17,410 --> 01:05:23,193
'cause we don't want Dan to hear we're
like, "Um...we can't do the light thing."
971
01:05:24,988 --> 01:05:28,591
And she goes, "If you don't
do the light, I'm not doing it."
972
01:05:29,046 --> 01:05:31,371
And me and Andrew went, "Aw.
973
01:05:32,250 --> 01:05:33,537
Come on.
974
01:05:35,251 --> 01:05:37,742
He's a virgin.
What's the worst that could happen?"
975
01:05:38,021 --> 01:05:43,822
And she whispered, "Actually, I'm more
concerned about his cleanliness."
976
01:05:45,493 --> 01:05:48,080
And then his brother Andrew
said loudly and proudly,
977
01:05:49,444 --> 01:05:51,960
"I washed it before we came out!"
978
01:05:53,560 --> 01:05:56,280
Now, you may think you're a good
brother, good sister, good mother,
979
01:05:56,295 --> 01:05:59,095
good daughter, whatever the
fuck you think you are in this world,
980
01:05:59,474 --> 01:06:04,910
but you're nothing until you've washed your disabled
brother's cock to take him to a prostitute!
981
01:06:06,339 --> 01:06:10,466
That is love, ladies and gentlemen.
Tangible fucking love.
982
01:06:15,315 --> 01:06:18,378
So, we looked at Dan.
Everyone agreed it was time to go.
983
01:06:20,128 --> 01:06:21,461
We looked at Dan.
984
01:06:21,919 --> 01:06:23,570
Me and Andrew looked at him and we went,
985
01:06:25,442 --> 01:06:27,068
"We're going now, mate.
986
01:06:30,114 --> 01:06:32,669
If you got anything you want
to say to us, say it now, 'cause,
987
01:06:34,196 --> 01:06:35,759
uh, we're gonna leave, mate."
988
01:06:38,020 --> 01:06:39,583
And this is what Dan did.
989
01:06:57,385 --> 01:07:09,285
[ Imitates wheelchair whirring ]
990
01:07:13,319 --> 01:07:14,942
"Leave!"
991
01:07:18,563 --> 01:07:19,563
So,
992
01:07:20,198 --> 01:07:23,523
me and Andrew went back down to the bar,
and we hanged outwith the hookers.
993
01:07:24,342 --> 01:07:26,723
There was like 10 of them sort
of mulling around there.
994
01:07:28,123 --> 01:07:29,123
We're standing there.
995
01:07:30,504 --> 01:07:33,534
We don't know what Dan's up to, but we're
standing around the bar with all the hookers.
996
01:07:34,253 --> 01:07:38,237
And then 5 guys from
London walk into the bar,
997
01:07:38,563 --> 01:07:41,381
who are obviously out of
their fucking skulls on coke.
998
01:07:41,619 --> 01:07:44,614
Now, if you've never taken a
lot of coke, and I've [ mumbles ]
999
01:07:47,454 --> 01:07:49,254
If anyone's got any...
[ mumbles ]
1000
01:07:50,107 --> 01:07:54,052
Now, if you've never taken coke,
you don't...
1001
01:07:54,139 --> 01:07:58,741
When like 5 or 6 guys get together
and take coke on, like, a tuesday,
1002
01:08:00,160 --> 01:08:02,747
there comes a point at about 6:00 in
the morning when they go,
1003
01:08:02,985 --> 01:08:06,334
"We better call up some chicks, maybe..."
And you call up ex-girlfriends, like,
1004
01:08:06,335 --> 01:08:08,565
"Bring some friends, bring some friends."
And it's like...
1005
01:08:08,565 --> 01:08:10,580
I don't know what you're expecting.
1006
01:08:10,842 --> 01:08:14,297
So, basically, this..., I think
it was a wednesday we did this,
1007
01:08:14,298 --> 01:08:16,298
and I think these guys had
been on coke all night.
1008
01:08:17,014 --> 01:08:20,370
And they've obviously gone, "All right, let's go down the brothel.
We'll go down the brothel. It'll be fun. We'll go down the brothel."
1009
01:08:21,272 --> 01:08:22,272
And...
1010
01:08:22,756 --> 01:08:26,890
I'm standing at the bar, chatting with all the
hookers, and these 5 guys from London walk in,
1011
01:08:27,178 --> 01:08:29,107
and one of them recognizes me and goes,
1012
01:08:30,881 --> 01:08:33,023
"Jim fucking Jefferies,
Jim fucking Jefferies.
1013
01:08:33,055 --> 01:08:36,134
I know you, mate. I know you, you're the comedian
The 'spaz approved' guy, australian comedian."
1014
01:08:37,959 --> 01:08:41,673
And I went, "Hey, how you doing, man?"
He goes, "Hey, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim...
1015
01:08:43,392 --> 01:08:44,392
want a line of coke?"
1016
01:08:45,324 --> 01:08:46,324
And I went,
1017
01:08:46,543 --> 01:08:47,543
"Yes."
1018
01:08:49,263 --> 01:08:52,881
And I went up to the toilet
and did a line of coke.
1019
01:08:53,009 --> 01:08:57,461
And I come back out, and, obviously,
I've left Andrew alone for too long,
1020
01:08:57,954 --> 01:09:00,842
and he's sort of panicking all by himself.
And I sort of walk in, like...
1021
01:09:03,938 --> 01:09:04,938
"What's wrong?"
1022
01:09:06,045 --> 01:09:08,366
And he goes, "What if we've
done the wrong thing here?
1023
01:09:08,479 --> 01:09:14,089
What if he's in there dying right now? What if he
stopped fucking breathing or WTF Or his heart stopped?
1024
01:09:14,137 --> 01:09:15,764
What the fuck are we meant to do?"
1025
01:09:15,812 --> 01:09:18,430
I said, "Uh, not a problem,
not a problem. Um...
1026
01:09:21,033 --> 01:09:22,604
I'll resuscitate him."
1027
01:09:23,481 --> 01:09:25,409
And he said, "Do you know how to do that?"
And I said,
1028
01:09:25,520 --> 01:09:28,155
"No, I don't, but how hard
could it be? Push, push, blow, blow."
1029
01:09:31,281 --> 01:09:35,884
I haven't embellished that in the slightest.
That's the exact thing I said to him.
1030
01:09:36,615 --> 01:09:38,829
"Push, push, blow, blow."
1031
01:09:42,766 --> 01:09:46,155
Then the prostitute walks back
in the room, who was with Dan.
1032
01:09:46,462 --> 01:09:50,462
So, I'm standing with the 5 coke
fiends, 10 prostitutes.
1033
01:09:51,341 --> 01:09:53,619
She walks in the room. It's like
that moment in a movie
1034
01:09:53,643 --> 01:09:56,230
where the needle on the record just
sort of goes... [ imitates record scratching ]
1035
01:09:57,152 --> 01:09:58,763
and everything stopped.
1036
01:10:00,583 --> 01:10:02,273
And she walked in, and she said,
1037
01:10:03,186 --> 01:10:06,286
"Well...it's over."
1038
01:10:07,938 --> 01:10:09,640
And me and Andrew, in unison, went,
1039
01:10:12,316 --> 01:10:13,316
"Is he dead?"
1040
01:10:20,133 --> 01:10:21,807
And her exact words were,
1041
01:10:22,340 --> 01:10:23,440
"Oh, I didn't check that."
1042
01:10:25,927 --> 01:10:26,927
So...
1043
01:10:28,378 --> 01:10:32,401
me, Andrew, the 5 coke
fiends, the 10 hookers,
1044
01:10:32,655 --> 01:10:37,917
we all run to the room. Now, he's not dead!
His chair's back in the upright position.
1045
01:10:38,076 --> 01:10:40,949
His cock is still sitting up, majestically,
1046
01:10:41,216 --> 01:10:43,101
covered in jizz and spit.
1047
01:10:43,790 --> 01:10:48,053
But for a man who an hour ago couldn't lift
his eyelids, he was sitting there like this.
1048
01:10:53,718 --> 01:10:57,050
Now, you might be wondering why
his eyelids were up like that.
1049
01:10:58,184 --> 01:11:00,661
Let me explain something.
It wasn't through happiness.
1050
01:11:01,633 --> 01:11:04,188
Tell you something about myself.
I'm 33 years old.
1051
01:11:05,426 --> 01:11:07,502
I've been masturbating
since I was 10 years old.
1052
01:11:08,343 --> 01:11:11,612
And in that time, I have not missed a day.
1053
01:11:12,573 --> 01:11:16,517
Every single day, I masturbate.
Haven't missed a fucking day.
1054
01:11:16,771 --> 01:11:19,033
Every day, I'm in a hotel room
1055
01:11:19,168 --> 01:11:22,152
with a laptop way high up on my chest here,
1056
01:11:23,063 --> 01:11:25,843
so I don't have to look at the filth
I'm doing to myself.
1057
01:11:25,890 --> 01:11:27,572
So, I'm watching porn here.
1058
01:11:27,807 --> 01:11:31,628
And 9 times out of 10, I hit the
apple sign, right?
1059
01:11:34,341 --> 01:11:37,769
and I do this every single fucking day.
1060
01:11:38,048 --> 01:11:43,706
Yet I would be mortified if any one of you
was to ever see me doing this.
1061
01:11:43,897 --> 01:11:45,984
I would want to fucking kill myself.
1062
01:11:46,238 --> 01:11:50,412
And I do this every single fucking day.
1063
01:11:51,201 --> 01:11:55,079
Now, imagine if you've never ejaculated
through the power of yourself,
1064
01:11:55,365 --> 01:11:58,372
you've never had another person do it,
you're 32 years old,
1065
01:11:58,403 --> 01:12:03,537
and for the first time you've shot a load of
fucking stale jizz all over the fucking room
1066
01:12:04,045 --> 01:12:06,870
and you're sitting there with your cock out
1067
01:12:07,000 --> 01:12:10,476
and 15 strangers walks in
1068
01:12:10,723 --> 01:12:15,823
and you do not possess the power
to put your cock away.
1069
01:12:19,564 --> 01:12:22,640
Can you see how that might
be a bit unhinging?
1070
01:12:27,264 --> 01:12:29,368
So, we had to get him dressed quickly.
1071
01:12:30,393 --> 01:12:32,352
But there's cum everywhere.
1072
01:12:32,983 --> 01:12:35,217
And this time, I look him up and
down.
1073
01:12:35,732 --> 01:12:37,187
And I turned to Andrew and said,
1074
01:12:37,190 --> 01:12:40,540
"Andrew, I don't give a fuck how
fragile he is.
1075
01:12:41,216 --> 01:12:43,382
I'm taking the top half this time."
1076
01:12:44,805 --> 01:12:46,263
And we lifted him up...
1077
01:12:46,947 --> 01:12:48,757
and we put his pants on
1078
01:12:49,246 --> 01:12:51,063
and we proceeded to leave the brothel.
1079
01:12:51,796 --> 01:12:53,635
Now, as we left the brothel,
1080
01:12:54,434 --> 01:12:56,224
I turned to Dan. I said, "Dan,
1081
01:12:57,149 --> 01:12:58,605
I paid for a story.
1082
01:12:59,559 --> 01:13:00,916
Please tell me what happened."
1083
01:13:01,469 --> 01:13:02,548
And he said,
1084
01:13:02,863 --> 01:13:08,410
"Well, she danced around a bit,
rubbed her tits in my face,
1085
01:13:09,231 --> 01:13:10,651
and sucked me off."
1086
01:13:12,259 --> 01:13:17,250
which is what I asked her to do.
It's so nice to be a disabled sex puppeteer.
1087
01:13:20,797 --> 01:13:25,687
But even nicer than that, I used to have a
preconceived notion on what I thought about
1088
01:13:25,690 --> 01:13:27,867
people, such as prostitutes, man.
1089
01:13:27,867 --> 01:13:29,455
But I was wrong.
1090
01:13:30,156 --> 01:13:33,244
That woman treated him
with dignity and respect.
1091
01:13:33,466 --> 01:13:37,043
and made him feel like a sexual being
for the only time in his life.
1092
01:13:38,504 --> 01:13:39,952
You can't put a price on that.
1093
01:13:40,976 --> 01:13:41,717
Alright?
1094
01:13:42,525 --> 01:13:43,904
Well, $180 is the...
1095
01:13:46,179 --> 01:13:47,879
the exact, the exact figure.
1096
01:13:55,931 --> 01:13:57,431
Then we go out front,
1097
01:13:58,455 --> 01:14:00,255
and we go to call a taxi,
1098
01:14:00,644 --> 01:14:02,969
and the taxi driver who drove us there
1099
01:14:03,065 --> 01:14:05,191
is still sitting out the front in his car.
1100
01:14:05,364 --> 01:14:08,021
And he winds his window down and
looks out and goes,
1101
01:14:08,602 --> 01:14:12,380
"I'll drive you home for free. I just
need to know what happened."
1102
01:14:13,618 --> 01:14:16,880
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen. Good night.
97277
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