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1
00:00:17,457 --> 00:00:18,625
Isn't this nice?
2
00:00:19,457 --> 00:00:21,291
No better time of year.
3
00:00:22,250 --> 00:00:27,500
You know, let me tell you
one of my favorite Yuletide stories.
4
00:00:28,582 --> 00:00:30,750
'Twas the night before Christmas,
5
00:00:30,832 --> 00:00:32,875
and all through the town,
6
00:00:32,957 --> 00:00:37,582
the Avengers were fighting
a brand-new superpower.
7
00:00:37,665 --> 00:00:39,832
The stockings were hung by the chimney...
8
00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:42,750
Well, not anymore.
9
00:00:42,832 --> 00:00:43,875
Where's Thor?
10
00:00:51,625 --> 00:00:55,250
Oh, right. You're probably
wondering who this guy is.
11
00:00:55,332 --> 00:00:57,875
Perhaps I should start a bit further back.
12
00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:04,290
Time.
13
00:01:07,707 --> 00:01:08,707
Space.
14
00:01:10,375 --> 00:01:11,457
Reality.
15
00:01:14,332 --> 00:01:16,125
It's more than a linear path.
16
00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:25,500
It's a prism of endless possibility,
17
00:01:27,915 --> 00:01:31,540
where a single choice
can branch out into infinite realities,
18
00:01:34,165 --> 00:01:37,125
creating alternate worlds
from the ones you know.
19
00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:42,375
I am the Watcher.
20
00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:47,625
I am your guide
through these vast new realities.
21
00:01:49,250 --> 00:01:52,915
Follow me and ponder the question...
22
00:01:56,457 --> 00:01:57,665
"What if?"
23
00:02:04,915 --> 00:02:06,625
Okay, let's try this again.
24
00:02:07,290 --> 00:02:12,000
'Twas only two hours prior
and the tower was not yet on fire.
25
00:02:12,082 --> 00:02:17,082
To the left, to the left. To the...
No, too much left. Stop. Stop!
26
00:02:18,665 --> 00:02:20,957
Sparrow-1 to Puffin-2, do you copy?
27
00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:22,250
We have a code red down here.
28
00:02:22,332 --> 00:02:25,375
Darcy, I told you,
while JARVIS is being defragged,
29
00:02:25,457 --> 00:02:27,165
this line is for emergency use only.
30
00:02:27,250 --> 00:02:29,375
Please. Sparrow-1 on the comms, boss.
31
00:02:29,457 --> 00:02:31,832
And it's a total code red.
The caterers are here,
32
00:02:31,915 --> 00:02:35,040
and all I'm seeing are cheese cubes
and carrot sticks.
33
00:02:35,125 --> 00:02:37,375
Where's the showmanship?
Where are the Kogi buns?
34
00:02:37,457 --> 00:02:40,165
Darcy, you wanna get college credit
for this? Listen to me.
35
00:02:40,250 --> 00:02:42,332
This Avengers holiday gala
is not my first rodeo.
36
00:02:42,415 --> 00:02:44,625
Fine, fine. Ten to the four, Puffin-2.
37
00:02:44,707 --> 00:02:47,250
Wait. Why am I a puffin?
And a second puffin at that.
38
00:02:47,332 --> 00:02:49,332
- Who's the first puffin?
- Bernard in Accounting.
39
00:02:50,125 --> 00:02:51,457
Okay, that just hurts.
40
00:02:51,540 --> 00:02:55,582
I can offer you Turkey-1, Flamingo-6.
Ooh, how about the Parakeet?
41
00:02:55,665 --> 00:02:59,375
Wait. I have a better idea.
A very special assignment just for you.
42
00:02:59,457 --> 00:03:01,391
Maraschino cherries. We're running low,
43
00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:03,415
and Tony can't have
a hot toddy without them.
44
00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:06,082
Oh, I didn't know people
put cherries in hot toddies.
45
00:03:06,165 --> 00:03:07,707
Hey, you're trying to get rid of me.
46
00:03:07,790 --> 00:03:10,540
Just looking for
a little peace on Earth, okay? Ow!
47
00:03:10,625 --> 00:03:12,750
$50 million,
you can't watch where you're going?
48
00:03:12,832 --> 00:03:14,832
Everything under control?
49
00:03:14,915 --> 00:03:18,790
Director Hill.
You're looking quite, uh, festive.
50
00:03:18,875 --> 00:03:21,500
Now that JARVIS has been
shut down for maintenance...
51
00:03:21,582 --> 00:03:24,707
Oh, I wanna talk to you about that.
I'd like to share a few messages
52
00:03:24,790 --> 00:03:26,290
about upgrading our threat matrix...
53
00:03:26,375 --> 00:03:28,707
Maybe you should leave that
to the security professionals.
54
00:03:28,790 --> 00:03:30,433
But I am
a security professional.
55
00:03:30,457 --> 00:03:32,725
I need you to focus on tonight's party.
56
00:03:32,750 --> 00:03:34,990
Eagle-1, Eagle-1.
You're needed in command.
57
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:36,957
- On my way.
- Eagle-1?
58
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,332
This holiday party is vital, Mr. Hogan.
59
00:03:39,415 --> 00:03:42,750
After the year we've had,
people need a reason to celebrate.
60
00:03:42,832 --> 00:03:44,957
I'm counting on you to pull it off.
61
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:46,082
Yes, ma'am.
62
00:03:47,375 --> 00:03:48,414
Hmm...
63
00:03:48,457 --> 00:03:50,790
Christmas playlist.
64
00:03:50,875 --> 00:03:55,582
Hanukkah playlist... That one
Mariah Carey song on loop. Bingo!
65
00:03:56,957 --> 00:03:59,915
And to all a good...
66
00:04:00,290 --> 00:04:02,457
Sergei, you stepped on my line, buddy.
67
00:04:04,707 --> 00:04:10,000
Or maybe this is the story of
how Justin Hammer stole Christmas.
68
00:04:10,332 --> 00:04:12,957
After the corrupt defense contractor
69
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,125
nearly blew up the Stark Expo,
70
00:04:15,875 --> 00:04:18,415
he found himself on the naughty list.
71
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:21,832
With time to think, time to reflect,
72
00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:23,582
time to...
73
00:04:24,332 --> 00:04:26,415
ponder his future.
74
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:32,665
Perhaps, in this universe,
Justin Hammer had a little too much time.
75
00:04:38,125 --> 00:04:39,375
We're gonna die!
76
00:04:39,457 --> 00:04:41,165
Yo, Rusty, hand me that, would you?
77
00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:42,808
How'd they even get in here?
78
00:04:42,832 --> 00:04:45,250
The name is Rustam Leonid Vyacheslav.
79
00:04:45,332 --> 00:04:47,540
And that's exactly why
we're sticking with Rusty.
80
00:04:48,707 --> 00:04:50,957
People, people, listen up.
81
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:52,832
You stay calm, you stay quiet
82
00:04:52,915 --> 00:04:56,375
and I guarantee that you'll
be home for the holidays.
83
00:04:56,457 --> 00:05:00,375
Hey, there's no crying on Christmas.
84
00:05:00,458 --> 00:05:02,665
You know, when I was seven years old,
85
00:05:02,750 --> 00:05:05,750
I wanted a Red Ryder BB gun
more than anything in the world.
86
00:05:05,833 --> 00:05:08,165
I begged my parents.
I begged Santa for it.
87
00:05:08,250 --> 00:05:11,125
Accidentally got my tongue
stuck on a telephone pole.
88
00:05:11,208 --> 00:05:13,540
Isn't that a classic movie?
89
00:05:13,625 --> 00:05:15,165
Yes, the one with the leg lamp.
90
00:05:15,250 --> 00:05:19,082
Hey, shut up. But I didn't get the BB gun
that Christmas. Do you know why?
91
00:05:20,875 --> 00:05:25,250
'Cause this is America, and if
you want something, you gotta take it.
92
00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:33,957
Oh, you unplug JARVIS for five minutes,
the whole building collapses.
93
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:40,540
Huh?
94
00:05:44,540 --> 00:05:45,540
Uh, boss?
95
00:05:45,665 --> 00:05:50,290
Relax. Reprogramming command protocols,
setting new targets.
96
00:05:50,375 --> 00:05:52,207
"All on site staff" sounds good to me.
97
00:05:52,290 --> 00:05:54,082
What?
98
00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:01,540
Knock 'em dead, Johnny Fives.
99
00:06:01,915 --> 00:06:04,500
Good Queen Darcy last looked down
100
00:06:04,583 --> 00:06:08,750
On the feast of Steve Rogers
When the snow lay on...
101
00:06:08,833 --> 00:06:11,415
"Eagle-1."
102
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,000
Whoa.
103
00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:15,415
- Okay, boys.
- Hammer?
104
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:19,290
Behind these doors is
a gamma-radiated antigen serum.
105
00:06:19,375 --> 00:06:20,375
Hulk blood.
106
00:06:20,457 --> 00:06:22,957
- The amniotic fluid, so to speak...
- Gross.
107
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:26,665
That will birth the next superhero. Me.
108
00:06:26,750 --> 00:06:28,790
I'm already smarter than 10 Tony Starks
109
00:06:28,875 --> 00:06:32,250
and pretty soon I'll be stronger
than 12 Captain Americas.
110
00:06:32,332 --> 00:06:34,582
So, let's get cracking.
111
00:06:34,665 --> 00:06:35,915
No problems.
112
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,540
Dude, come on. What is this?
113
00:06:37,625 --> 00:06:39,125
You said you were a safecracker.
114
00:06:39,207 --> 00:06:41,040
Yes, and now I crack safe.
115
00:06:42,457 --> 00:06:45,790
I knew I should have gone
with the Sokovian team.
116
00:06:45,875 --> 00:06:47,290
Hill. Hill, come in.
117
00:06:47,375 --> 00:06:50,615
- We got three hostiles in Tony's lab.
- You'd think they'd raid the armory first.
118
00:06:50,665 --> 00:06:52,625
Tony's been messing around
with Banner's blood,
119
00:06:52,707 --> 00:06:55,582
seeing if he can be the Hulk
without the anger management issues.
120
00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:57,165
- Was he successful?
- It's a process.
121
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:58,290
I'm gonna head up.
122
00:06:58,332 --> 00:07:01,500
Oh, oh, that's not good. Okay, okay.
123
00:07:01,583 --> 00:07:04,000
Call me when you get the good stuff.
124
00:07:04,083 --> 00:07:07,208
Time for me to go
and sit on Tony's throne.
125
00:07:07,290 --> 00:07:10,000
- I'm not gonna flush, if you get my drift.
- Oh.
126
00:07:10,083 --> 00:07:12,415
Yeah, it's Hammer.
He's heading for Tony's bathroom.
127
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:13,500
Oh.
128
00:07:13,583 --> 00:07:16,350
- Hogan, can you secure the samples?
- Yes. I think I have a way in.
129
00:07:16,375 --> 00:07:18,207
Good. 'Cause I've got Hammer.
130
00:07:20,957 --> 00:07:22,625
Right in the jingle bells.
131
00:07:22,707 --> 00:07:24,290
Ah! Ah! Whoa!
132
00:07:25,250 --> 00:07:26,582
Jesus.
133
00:07:26,665 --> 00:07:29,290
"Throw a holiday party.
It'll be fun," Tony said.
134
00:07:29,375 --> 00:07:30,625
"What could go wrong?"
135
00:07:30,707 --> 00:07:33,750
I told them the air vent would be
a security issue, but no.
136
00:07:33,832 --> 00:07:35,500
Nobody listens to Happy.
137
00:07:41,750 --> 00:07:42,750
Mmm.
138
00:07:44,750 --> 00:07:47,290
Look at this bar! Oh, my goodness!
139
00:07:47,375 --> 00:07:48,415
I love it!
140
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:52,625
Hands where I can see them, Hammer.
141
00:07:52,707 --> 00:07:54,250
Now surrender peacefully.
142
00:07:55,625 --> 00:07:58,625
Oh, the day you've been dreading
has finally come.
143
00:07:58,707 --> 00:08:00,625
The day that you face off
144
00:08:00,708 --> 00:08:03,208
against Tony Stark's greatest adversary.
145
00:08:03,290 --> 00:08:06,375
"Greatest adversary"?
What are you, a wealth tax?
146
00:08:07,708 --> 00:08:09,125
Nothing?
147
00:08:09,208 --> 00:08:10,625
Your technique is off.
148
00:08:10,708 --> 00:08:12,583
More strength in back.
149
00:08:12,665 --> 00:08:15,040
Less arms, more hips.
150
00:08:17,332 --> 00:08:18,875
Da, da, da. I get it now.
151
00:08:21,957 --> 00:08:23,540
Okay, let's take a look.
152
00:08:25,290 --> 00:08:27,540
Where is it? Hulk blood, Hulk blood.
153
00:08:28,207 --> 00:08:30,250
Hulk blood. Hulk blood.
154
00:08:30,332 --> 00:08:32,000
Okay, just where is...
155
00:08:32,082 --> 00:08:33,832
Think... A little vial.
156
00:08:34,540 --> 00:08:36,540
Happy, find the Hulk blood,
find the Hulk... No!
157
00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:41,000
Hey, hey, hey. Did you hear that?
158
00:08:46,332 --> 00:08:49,375
Oh, got it.
159
00:08:49,457 --> 00:08:51,350
- Stop.
- Your little jokes won't do
160
00:08:51,375 --> 00:08:53,332
much good
against the master of tae kwon do,
161
00:08:53,415 --> 00:08:55,255
- jiujitsu and Muay Thai.
- Switch the channel.
162
00:08:57,415 --> 00:08:58,415
That's right.
163
00:08:58,500 --> 00:09:01,207
- I learned prison-fighting techniques.
- Oh, God.
164
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:03,041
All on the prison yard.
165
00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:05,291
Hmm, maybe a rat.
166
00:09:05,375 --> 00:09:08,000
You know what the most
important thing I learned in lockup is?
167
00:09:08,082 --> 00:09:09,082
Enlighten me.
168
00:09:09,166 --> 00:09:11,375
Cheating is for winners.
169
00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:15,541
No, Maria!
170
00:09:15,625 --> 00:09:17,582
Oh, whoa.
171
00:09:20,707 --> 00:09:23,666
Be a shadow.
Be a shadow. Be a loose shadow.
172
00:09:28,291 --> 00:09:29,416
You guys can see me, right?
173
00:09:29,500 --> 00:09:30,791
Da, we see you.
174
00:09:30,875 --> 00:09:33,165
Boss, we have security guard.
175
00:09:33,250 --> 00:09:36,332
Clever. You thought you
could distract the Hammer?
176
00:09:37,415 --> 00:09:40,216
- Hey! Get back here.
- Hulk blood. I just need the Hulk blood.
177
00:09:40,250 --> 00:09:42,332
Where will you run?
178
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:45,207
Come on. What's a guy gotta do
to find an epidural of Banner blood?
179
00:09:45,290 --> 00:09:46,500
Hulk... Huh?
180
00:09:46,790 --> 00:09:48,000
A confetti arrow?
181
00:09:48,082 --> 00:09:51,415
Come on, Tony. You booking Hawkeye out
for birthday parties now?
182
00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:54,000
Hulk blood! Oh, yes! Bingo!
183
00:09:55,332 --> 00:09:58,165
All right. I should definitely
be getting hazard pay for this.
184
00:10:00,957 --> 00:10:02,250
Whoa!
185
00:10:02,332 --> 00:10:04,332
No! Why'd it do that?
186
00:10:05,082 --> 00:10:06,582
Step aside, my little elves.
187
00:10:11,750 --> 00:10:12,957
Oh, that's not good.
188
00:10:16,332 --> 00:10:17,500
Oh, that's not good.
189
00:10:17,582 --> 00:10:18,666
Hammer.
190
00:10:19,625 --> 00:10:21,707
Shoot him with all you've got.
191
00:10:22,082 --> 00:10:24,041
Whoa!
192
00:10:24,125 --> 00:10:26,350
- There, there, there. Let's go.
- Hey! Get back here!
193
00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:28,294
Oh, yeah, the things you learn
working for a mad,
194
00:10:28,332 --> 00:10:30,207
over-caffeinated scientist. Incoming!
195
00:10:36,082 --> 00:10:39,500
Hey, stop, stop! Stop!
You're gonna destroy the Hulk blood.
196
00:10:39,582 --> 00:10:40,832
What's the matter with you?
197
00:10:42,332 --> 00:10:43,875
Oh, that's useful.
198
00:10:44,415 --> 00:10:47,082
Screw what I said. Just get him. Now.
199
00:10:47,165 --> 00:10:49,165
Happy. Oh, my leg is broken.
200
00:10:49,250 --> 00:10:51,957
Yeah, that's okay. I might have
enough leg for the both of us.
201
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,082
Happy? Look, I'm counting on you.
202
00:10:54,165 --> 00:10:57,040
Is that him?
Is that the fly in my super serum?
203
00:10:57,125 --> 00:10:59,415
Stop Hammer. Save the tower.
204
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:01,332
Maria! Maria!
205
00:11:01,416 --> 00:11:05,041
Oh, you got a big box of coal
coming your way, missy.
206
00:11:05,125 --> 00:11:08,875
Cuff her. I'm sick of this chick
roasting my chestnuts.
207
00:11:10,707 --> 00:11:14,625
Okay, it's all on me now.
It's all on me now.
208
00:11:14,707 --> 00:11:17,625
Oh, it's all on me now.
209
00:11:31,916 --> 00:11:35,875
Okay, yes, there's no "I" in team.
There's no "I" in team!
210
00:11:35,957 --> 00:11:37,475
What? No, no, no!
211
00:11:43,082 --> 00:11:46,290
- Romanoff. Happy, not a great time.
- Natasha? Natasha!
212
00:11:46,375 --> 00:11:50,457
I'm being held at gunpoint by
a former HYDRA agent with 17 kills.
213
00:11:50,540 --> 00:11:52,625
Eighteen kills. You forgot Nigeria.
214
00:11:52,707 --> 00:11:54,290
Oh, that was you? Show off.
215
00:11:54,375 --> 00:11:56,790
Uh... You want me to get you help?
216
00:11:56,875 --> 00:11:58,750
Oh, no, I've got this.
See you at the party.
217
00:11:58,832 --> 00:12:02,000
Yeah, she'll be fine.
218
00:12:02,082 --> 00:12:04,166
Okay, Tony. Pick up, Tony, please.
219
00:12:04,250 --> 00:12:07,625
Perfect timing. Happy, can you tell
Timmy here that a replica Cap shield
220
00:12:07,707 --> 00:12:09,375
is nothing but a patriotic Frisbee?
221
00:12:09,457 --> 00:12:10,875
- Tony, it's an emergency!
- Whoa!
222
00:12:10,957 --> 00:12:13,457
Trouble here, too. Soccer moms
are cornering Cap. Gotta go.
223
00:12:13,541 --> 00:12:15,207
Tony. Tony!
224
00:12:17,250 --> 00:12:18,582
Okay.
225
00:12:18,666 --> 00:12:20,385
Come on.
Answer the phone, answer the phone.
226
00:12:21,832 --> 00:12:23,753
Hello. What? What? Hold on a sec.
227
00:12:23,791 --> 00:12:26,832
Clint, think we need to wrap this up.
Sun's getting real low, pal.
228
00:12:26,916 --> 00:12:29,291
Like, super winter solstice kind of low.
229
00:12:29,375 --> 00:12:30,375
Banner, Banner!
230
00:12:30,457 --> 00:12:32,057
- I'm sorry. It's the last one.
- Banner!
231
00:12:32,125 --> 00:12:33,375
Clint, just give her the toy!
232
00:12:33,457 --> 00:12:35,350
- No can do.
- Come on. Just let her have it.
233
00:12:35,375 --> 00:12:38,707
The wife says, "Bring home this toy
or don't come home at all."
234
00:12:38,790 --> 00:12:40,875
- Damn it. Clint, just...
- Let her have it!
235
00:12:41,540 --> 00:12:42,540
Oh.
236
00:12:43,540 --> 00:12:44,875
Yeah!
237
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,957
Oh, yeah!
238
00:12:48,457 --> 00:12:51,500
Start pouring the Shirley Temples,
big guy. I got your cherries.
239
00:12:51,582 --> 00:12:53,875
Sparrow-1, this is Puffin-2.
240
00:12:53,957 --> 00:12:56,707
Do you copy? We got a code red.
241
00:12:56,790 --> 00:12:58,707
The tower's been overtaken by terrorists.
242
00:12:58,790 --> 00:13:01,125
Terrorists on Christmas?
What is this? Con Air?
243
00:13:01,207 --> 00:13:04,457
No, wait. Under Siege? No, no, no.
That's not it. Wait. I know this one.
244
00:13:04,541 --> 00:13:06,625
Uh, walking my mental Blockbuster aisle.
245
00:13:06,707 --> 00:13:08,125
Hey, John McClane, focus.
246
00:13:08,207 --> 00:13:11,457
Every weapon, every suit
is currently under Hammer's control.
247
00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:12,791
What are you calling me for?
248
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:15,500
Tell JARVIS to dial up
the army or the Avengers.
249
00:13:15,582 --> 00:13:17,350
Or that scary dude
with the eye-patch.
250
00:13:17,375 --> 00:13:20,457
JARVIS is offline defragging.
It's how they were able to...
251
00:13:20,541 --> 00:13:22,082
Darcy, you're a genius.
252
00:13:22,166 --> 00:13:25,750
Thanks. I have been in college
for the better part of a decade.
253
00:13:25,832 --> 00:13:27,375
Not to brag. But what did I say?
254
00:13:27,457 --> 00:13:29,500
JARVIS has a mainframe
in the sub-basement.
255
00:13:29,582 --> 00:13:32,707
If we bring JARVIS back online,
we can take control of the building
256
00:13:32,790 --> 00:13:33,875
and everything inside it.
257
00:13:33,957 --> 00:13:37,250
Puffin-2, are you asking me to be
your Reginald VelJohnson?
258
00:13:37,332 --> 00:13:40,040
Reginald VelJohnson?
That's what you remember from the movie?
259
00:13:40,125 --> 00:13:41,125
Oh, damn.
260
00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:45,707
Eh...
261
00:13:46,750 --> 00:13:48,415
You guys can see me, right?
262
00:13:50,082 --> 00:13:51,915
Uh...
263
00:13:56,707 --> 00:13:59,375
Okay. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay.
264
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:01,666
- Oh, okay.
- Hey!
265
00:14:02,166 --> 00:14:03,166
Hmm.
266
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:09,875
Guess the only way out is out!
267
00:14:15,291 --> 00:14:17,750
Holy...
268
00:14:51,082 --> 00:14:53,915
See that?
I got Hulk blood pumping through me.
269
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,165
Might as well try it on for size.
270
00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:00,625
Wait, wait. Do you hear that?
271
00:15:00,707 --> 00:15:01,957
Go, go, go.
272
00:15:02,750 --> 00:15:04,582
Broke that damn chain pretty good.
273
00:15:04,666 --> 00:15:07,582
What about the short fuse?
Can't have a temper tantrum.
274
00:15:07,666 --> 00:15:09,375
Be calm. Breathe.
275
00:15:09,457 --> 00:15:10,791
That's supposed to help, right?
276
00:15:12,541 --> 00:15:15,250
10-9, Puffin-2.
Everything okay there, boss?
277
00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:17,957
'Cause you sound a little Darth Vader-y.
278
00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:20,183
I just need a minute.
I'm going through some stuff.
279
00:15:20,207 --> 00:15:23,082
Can't believe the whole building
runs off this one dinky box.
280
00:15:23,166 --> 00:15:25,750
My next internship should
totally be at WikiLeaks,
281
00:15:25,832 --> 00:15:28,666
'cause I've got this whole
hacking thing... Oh, no.
282
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,082
Whoa!
283
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,207
A secret room!
284
00:15:36,290 --> 00:15:38,457
You thought the doorknob
was the mainframe?
285
00:15:38,540 --> 00:15:41,500
Anyone would.
This is like Narnia for dorks.
286
00:15:41,582 --> 00:15:44,457
There should be a backup JARVIS AI
in the sub-basement.
287
00:15:44,540 --> 00:15:47,665
Boss, he has someone else on the inside.
In the sub-basement.
288
00:15:47,750 --> 00:15:50,415
Wait. I got a better idea.
Get back to the penthouse.
289
00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:53,707
It's better to make them
come to the Hammer.
290
00:15:53,790 --> 00:15:56,415
All right. Here we go, boss.
We got a Friday,
291
00:15:56,500 --> 00:16:00,207
a W.A.D.S.W.O.R.T.H., an E.D.I.T.H. 1.0.
Gosh, sounds like a BBC mystery.
292
00:16:00,291 --> 00:16:01,666
Darcy, just pick one!
293
00:16:01,750 --> 00:16:03,666
Wunderbar! Werner it is.
294
00:16:03,750 --> 00:16:05,375
Whoa!
295
00:16:05,457 --> 00:16:07,457
Darcy? Darcy, do you copy?
296
00:16:08,250 --> 00:16:12,416
Oh, fine. Come in, Sparrow-1.
This is Puffin-2. Do you copy?
297
00:16:12,791 --> 00:16:14,541
Is this on?
298
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:19,500
The only difference between
a hero and a villain is good PR.
299
00:16:19,582 --> 00:16:22,625
You see, redemption in this country,
it isn't about penance.
300
00:16:22,707 --> 00:16:24,375
No, it's about rebranding,
301
00:16:24,457 --> 00:16:27,250
and that Hulk blood
was gonna be my chance.
302
00:16:27,332 --> 00:16:30,832
And then you stole it from me,
Happy Hogan. But don't worry.
303
00:16:30,916 --> 00:16:34,790
I will reverse-engineer it
after I dissect your twitching corpse.
304
00:16:34,875 --> 00:16:36,290
Don't let him spook you, Happy.
305
00:16:36,375 --> 00:16:39,375
That's right. Ho-Ho-Hogan,
I got your girl Friday,
306
00:16:39,457 --> 00:16:41,250
but all I want for Christmas is you.
307
00:16:41,332 --> 00:16:44,540
Oh-ho! Gotta admit that's some
solid holiday word play.
308
00:16:44,625 --> 00:16:46,875
Hey, thanks. Penthouse. Five minutes.
309
00:16:46,957 --> 00:16:48,790
Or your intern gets a bullet from Santa.
310
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:51,000
But I'm adorable.
311
00:16:51,082 --> 00:16:54,707
Oh, and, Happy, do us all a favor.
Don't be a hero.
312
00:16:54,790 --> 00:16:57,375
Turn the elevator on. I'm coming up.
313
00:17:00,375 --> 00:17:02,082
All right. Let's see what we got here.
314
00:17:02,166 --> 00:17:06,040
Given the weight, no sound,
I'm guessing it's a Rolex watch?
315
00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:11,040
Oh, my goodness.
The billionaire got Captain America socks.
316
00:17:11,125 --> 00:17:14,708
Wow, the press lied.
These two really do not get along.
317
00:17:14,790 --> 00:17:17,083
Quality socks can be excellent gift.
318
00:17:19,708 --> 00:17:21,708
Hey, Happy, here to borrow a cup of sugar?
319
00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:23,083
Light him up, fellas.
320
00:17:23,875 --> 00:17:25,083
Happy, no!
321
00:17:27,833 --> 00:17:29,125
Oh!
322
00:17:29,208 --> 00:17:31,375
So, give us some figgy pudding!
323
00:17:33,083 --> 00:17:35,040
Wha... "Let it snow?"
324
00:17:35,125 --> 00:17:36,833
Oh, sugar cookies.
325
00:17:39,665 --> 00:17:41,500
What the hell is that?
326
00:17:41,583 --> 00:17:43,143
Earthquake? Is it an earthquake?
327
00:17:51,125 --> 00:17:52,875
I think that's Happy Hogan.
328
00:17:59,415 --> 00:18:02,000
Uh, hello? Giant freak on the loose.
329
00:18:02,083 --> 00:18:04,290
What the hell do you think I pay you for?
330
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:05,415
Not this.
331
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:09,415
Come on, come on. Yoga room.
Karaoke studio. Really?
332
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:11,333
Avengers armory. Bingo!
333
00:18:15,333 --> 00:18:16,333
Uh...
334
00:18:19,540 --> 00:18:22,125
Wow. Your neck is thicker than Thor's.
335
00:18:22,208 --> 00:18:24,290
Crazy, right?
And the party hasn't even started.
336
00:18:25,290 --> 00:18:26,915
Look, if we can reboot JARVIS...
337
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,958
Already on it, Sparrow-1.
338
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,500
You said you were counting on me.
That means something.
339
00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:32,875
Hammer's heading to the armory.
340
00:18:32,958 --> 00:18:35,915
I'll handle him. You guys get to work
on the JARVIS reboot.
341
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:39,415
It's time for that Hammer to get nailed.
342
00:18:39,958 --> 00:18:42,290
Hammer! Hammer!
343
00:18:43,583 --> 00:18:44,583
Oh.
344
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:36,165
You lost, Hammer. And there's
not gonna be a Christmas miracle.
345
00:19:36,250 --> 00:19:39,208
Oh, famous last words, Hulk Hogan.
346
00:19:42,958 --> 00:19:45,125
Oh, my God! It's Santa!
347
00:19:45,208 --> 00:19:46,458
He's real.
348
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,665
I'm Santa Claus, baby.
349
00:19:59,708 --> 00:20:02,665
Hammer's taken control of the Hulkbuster.
350
00:20:02,750 --> 00:20:05,790
We need to gain control of the suit, now.
Upload JARVIS.
351
00:20:05,875 --> 00:20:07,750
Not JARVIS, but German.
352
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:12,083
This is the worst internship ever.
353
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:18,790
Come on, Happy.
Don't be like that.
354
00:20:18,875 --> 00:20:20,958
Let's make it quick.
I just need a little slice.
355
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:22,250
Oh, you'll get a piece of me.
356
00:20:30,790 --> 00:20:34,708
There's no way that Stark is paying you
enough to deal with the Hammer.
357
00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:40,833
Hey, what are you doing?
358
00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:43,500
Nothing?
359
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:49,625
Oh, yeah! Best boss ever.
360
00:20:49,708 --> 00:20:50,750
Oh, Darcy, really?
361
00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:54,500
Oh, that means a lot coming from, well,
someone who's had just so many bosses.
362
00:21:00,165 --> 00:21:01,526
Oh, it's frozen. We're locked out.
363
00:21:01,583 --> 00:21:04,250
Damn you, pinwheel of death.
Quick. Control-Alt-Delete.
364
00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:07,083
Huh? That actually worked.
365
00:21:07,165 --> 00:21:11,290
A little trick I picked up interning
for the Culver University IT department.
366
00:21:11,375 --> 00:21:14,000
- Have you ever had an actual paying job?
- Nope.
367
00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:26,333
Guten tag.
368
00:21:26,415 --> 00:21:29,790
Yes. All right, we're up. Disengage
the Veronica Hulkbuster Protocol.
369
00:21:29,875 --> 00:21:35,125
In the beginning, men controlled machines.
Now, machines control the fate of men.
370
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,125
Yeah, okay, right.
Are you calling the Avengers?
371
00:21:40,208 --> 00:21:42,665
As they say in German, no.
372
00:21:44,540 --> 00:21:47,665
What the hell is this program?
Siri for nihilists?
373
00:21:47,750 --> 00:21:48,790
It sounds like my dad.
374
00:21:48,875 --> 00:21:50,665
Happy, you're on your own.
375
00:21:54,208 --> 00:21:59,790
Here's some Muay Thai,
jiujitsu, tae kwon do!
376
00:22:04,790 --> 00:22:06,958
Know when you're beat, freak.
377
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:08,915
What?
378
00:22:24,250 --> 00:22:27,458
Son of a nutcracker.
That monster is eating my suit!
379
00:22:30,250 --> 00:22:31,250
Huh?
380
00:22:35,833 --> 00:22:38,208
Bruce, a little help.
381
00:22:38,290 --> 00:22:40,000
No, you guys got this.
382
00:22:44,875 --> 00:22:46,790
Where's Thor?
383
00:22:46,875 --> 00:22:48,083
Is that Happy?
384
00:22:48,165 --> 00:22:49,208
Um, no.
385
00:22:49,958 --> 00:22:51,875
What is this thing?
386
00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:57,415
No, no, no. He's on the guest list.
387
00:22:57,500 --> 00:23:00,040
Repeat, he is on the guest list.
388
00:23:01,333 --> 00:23:04,125
Natasha! It's me.
389
00:23:04,833 --> 00:23:06,458
Oh, my God. Happy?
390
00:23:06,540 --> 00:23:07,625
I was right.
391
00:23:07,708 --> 00:23:12,000
This is the good guy, that is the bad guy.
392
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:15,790
What are you doing with my suit?
393
00:23:15,875 --> 00:23:17,290
Uh, nothing?
394
00:23:21,833 --> 00:23:22,833
Um...
395
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:42,165
You saved me. Why?
396
00:23:42,250 --> 00:23:44,875
It's Christmas, Hammer.
Goodwill towards men.
397
00:23:44,958 --> 00:23:46,625
Even the bad ones.
398
00:23:46,708 --> 00:23:47,708
Huh.
399
00:23:52,333 --> 00:23:55,415
I'm sorry about the party, Tony.
I'm sure insurance will cover most of it.
400
00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:58,500
Are you kidding? You're the only
insurance policy I'll ever need.
401
00:23:58,583 --> 00:24:01,040
Ah, thanks, Tony. Wait.
You do have a cure, don't you?
402
00:24:01,125 --> 00:24:02,375
I'm not stuck this way, right?
403
00:24:04,165 --> 00:24:07,165
My head of security, everybody.
How about this guy, right?
404
00:24:07,250 --> 00:24:08,665
- Yeah, Happy.
- Good job, Happy.
405
00:24:08,750 --> 00:24:10,415
- Crushed it, man.
- Bah, humbug.
406
00:24:10,500 --> 00:24:13,583
As for how the rest of
this holiday tale goes,
407
00:24:13,665 --> 00:24:18,583
the tower was safe and secure,
still decked in holly and bows,
408
00:24:18,665 --> 00:24:21,665
when Tony Stark to his team
gave a whistle.
409
00:24:21,750 --> 00:24:23,958
I think
I speak for everyone when I say
410
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:25,290
some food would be beneficial.
411
00:24:25,375 --> 00:24:29,333
My appetite is raging. I can eat
an actual fruitcake after that fight.
412
00:24:29,415 --> 00:24:33,208
But I heard a voice say
as the heroes vanished from sight...
413
00:24:33,290 --> 00:24:36,000
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a..."
414
00:24:36,833 --> 00:24:37,833
Guys?
415
00:24:38,290 --> 00:24:39,665
Oh, I missed the party.
416
00:24:41,458 --> 00:24:44,165
"To all, a good night."
417
00:24:45,333 --> 00:24:48,540
We wish you a merry Christmas
418
00:24:48,625 --> 00:24:51,583
We wish you a merry Christmas
419
00:24:51,665 --> 00:24:58,000
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year
420
00:24:58,083 --> 00:25:01,000
We wish you a merry Christmas
421
00:25:01,083 --> 00:25:04,333
We wish you a merry Christmas
422
00:25:04,415 --> 00:25:10,875
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year
423
00:25:10,958 --> 00:25:17,083
Glad tidings we bring to you and your kin
424
00:25:17,165 --> 00:25:23,208
Glad tidings at Christmas
and a happy new year
425
00:25:23,290 --> 00:25:25,415
We wish you a swinging Christmas
426
00:25:27,583 --> 00:25:29,790
We wish you a crazy Christmas
427
00:25:29,875 --> 00:25:35,665
We wish you a naughty Christmas
and a frantic new year
428
00:26:01,375 --> 00:26:02,458
Yeah
429
00:26:28,625 --> 00:26:29,915
All right.
430
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,625
Good Queen Darcy last looked down
431
00:26:32,708 --> 00:26:35,125
On the feast of Steve Rogers
432
00:26:35,208 --> 00:26:37,665
When the snow lay on the ground
433
00:26:37,750 --> 00:26:40,208
Something, something, something
434
00:26:40,290 --> 00:26:45,040
Thor has a giant neck
It is full of muscles
435
00:26:45,125 --> 00:26:51,290
He's just a little schmoopy noodle
Going through the cosmos
436
00:26:53,915 --> 00:26:57,790
Happy Holidays!
Make up dumb songs for money.
33657
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