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1
00:00:24,799 --> 00:00:27,304
[man laughs]
2
00:00:27,345 --> 00:00:29,141
Well, ladies and gentlemen.
3
00:00:29,183 --> 00:00:31,310
You have come to the right place
4
00:00:31,312 --> 00:00:34,694
if you're looking for laughter
to break your face.
5
00:00:34,736 --> 00:00:37,324
Because we got people
on this show tonight
6
00:00:37,365 --> 00:00:41,330
that are gonna be earthquakian
when it comes to laughter
7
00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:42,835
and they're with us tonight.
8
00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:44,714
Put it together,
ladies and gentlemen.
9
00:00:44,756 --> 00:00:47,177
[cheers and applause]
10
00:00:47,219 --> 00:00:51,352
Trip's over, hoss.
That's three large.
11
00:00:51,393 --> 00:00:53,231
It'll be good to get out
of this shithole.
12
00:00:53,272 --> 00:00:54,734
Good evening, ladies.
13
00:00:56,362 --> 00:00:59,118
Still funny now, funny man?
14
00:00:59,159 --> 00:01:03,167
I don't know.
Still an asshole, asshole man?
15
00:01:03,209 --> 00:01:04,879
I don't know. Let me check.
16
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,641
There.
17
00:01:10,683 --> 00:01:12,562
Oh, hold on.
18
00:01:12,603 --> 00:01:13,897
[man] Step aside, juanito.
19
00:01:13,939 --> 00:01:15,483
This ain't got shit
to do with you.
20
00:01:15,526 --> 00:01:18,866
Sir, listen,
we don't want any trouble.
21
00:01:18,907 --> 00:01:20,408
We're very sorry.
22
00:01:20,410 --> 00:01:21,911
[gun cocks]
23
00:01:21,913 --> 00:01:23,625
You got no idea
where you are, homeboy?
24
00:01:24,627 --> 00:01:26,255
[speaking foreign language]
25
00:01:26,297 --> 00:01:27,923
The High Desert.
26
00:01:27,925 --> 00:01:29,846
Ain't no law here.
27
00:01:29,888 --> 00:01:31,430
Ain't nobody coming
for you boys.
28
00:01:31,432 --> 00:01:33,687
You don't want to do this.
29
00:01:33,729 --> 00:01:35,481
Step aside, Twilight.
30
00:01:35,524 --> 00:01:39,239
This is between me
and that pendejo.
31
00:01:39,281 --> 00:01:40,491
Put the gun down, Paco.
32
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:41,828
Shut the fuck up!
33
00:01:41,870 --> 00:01:45,544
Ignore him. Listen to me.
34
00:01:46,713 --> 00:01:48,257
I'm gonna count to three.
35
00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:51,556
Three, two...
36
00:01:51,598 --> 00:01:52,934
Please don't do this.
37
00:01:52,975 --> 00:01:54,562
[gunshot]
38
00:01:54,604 --> 00:01:56,273
[grunts]
39
00:01:57,025 --> 00:01:58,486
That was a warning.
40
00:02:00,824 --> 00:02:02,494
[Ethan] You missed.
41
00:02:02,536 --> 00:02:04,248
[gunshots]
42
00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:06,628
[gasps]
43
00:02:07,630 --> 00:02:10,761
[suspenseful music playing]
44
00:02:15,311 --> 00:02:16,355
[snarls]
45
00:02:19,612 --> 00:02:21,866
[singer] ♪ Ooh, oh,
Do me, baby ♪
46
00:02:23,912 --> 00:02:26,626
♪ Ooh, oh, do me, baby ♪
47
00:02:28,672 --> 00:02:31,385
♪ Ooh, oh, do me, baby ♪
48
00:02:34,391 --> 00:02:36,395
[singer] ♪ All right,
Stop whatcha doin' ♪
49
00:02:36,437 --> 00:02:37,833
♪ 'Cause I'm about to ruin
The image and the style ♪
50
00:02:37,857 --> 00:02:38,984
♪ That ya used to ♪
51
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:40,612
♪ I look funny ♪
52
00:02:40,654 --> 00:02:42,490
♪ But yo,
I'm makin' money, see ♪
53
00:02:42,533 --> 00:02:43,678
♪ So, yo, world,
I hope you're ready for me ♪
54
00:02:43,702 --> 00:02:44,912
♪ Now, gather 'round ♪
55
00:02:44,954 --> 00:02:46,916
♪ I'm the new fool in town ♪
56
00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:48,752
♪ And my sound's laid
Down by the Underground ♪
57
00:02:48,754 --> 00:02:49,920
♪ I'll drink up
All the Hennessey ♪
58
00:02:49,922 --> 00:02:51,593
♪ Ya got on ya shelf ♪
59
00:02:51,634 --> 00:02:53,597
♪ So just let me
Introduce myself ♪
60
00:02:53,638 --> 00:02:55,409
♪ My name is Humpty,
Pronounced with a Umpty... ♪
61
00:02:55,433 --> 00:02:56,393
[woman] You got this, Pete.
62
00:02:56,435 --> 00:02:57,980
Waddup, girl?
63
00:02:58,022 --> 00:02:59,774
[singer] ♪ Oh, how I like
To funk thee ♪
64
00:02:59,776 --> 00:03:01,046
♪ And all the rappers
In the top ten ♪
65
00:03:01,070 --> 00:03:02,782
♪ Please allow me To bump thee ♪
66
00:03:02,823 --> 00:03:04,449
♪ I'm steppin' tall,
Like, y'all ♪
67
00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:05,555
All right. Yo, Pete.
Kill it tonight, man.
68
00:03:05,579 --> 00:03:07,040
You know it, man.
69
00:03:07,082 --> 00:03:08,042
[man] You're getting me
on the list, Pete?
70
00:03:08,084 --> 00:03:10,088
Hey. No.
71
00:03:10,129 --> 00:03:11,984
[singer] ♪ I'm spunky,
I like my oatmeal lumpy ♪
72
00:03:12,008 --> 00:03:14,555
♪ I'm sick wit dis,
Straight gangsta mack ♪
73
00:03:15,516 --> 00:03:16,935
[cheers and applause]
74
00:03:16,976 --> 00:03:17,978
[man] Hey, Pete.
75
00:03:19,816 --> 00:03:22,653
- [cheers and applause]
- [laughter]
76
00:03:22,655 --> 00:03:24,700
So, she says,
"Look, I understand
77
00:03:24,742 --> 00:03:26,994
that you're unemployed,
but can I ask?
78
00:03:26,996 --> 00:03:28,667
How much are you
typically spending
79
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,629
on a bottle of wine lately?"
80
00:03:30,671 --> 00:03:33,593
I said, "Honey, no more
than ten, fifteen minutes."
81
00:03:33,635 --> 00:03:35,806
- [cheers and applause]
- [laughter]
82
00:03:35,848 --> 00:03:37,181
Folks, are you ready
to spend some more time
83
00:03:37,183 --> 00:03:38,645
with the next comedian?
84
00:03:38,687 --> 00:03:40,440
Yeah?
85
00:03:40,481 --> 00:03:43,193
Now, help me welcome
July Alouise. Yeah.
86
00:03:43,195 --> 00:03:45,197
[cheers and applause]
87
00:03:45,199 --> 00:03:46,828
Thank you. Thank you.
88
00:03:46,870 --> 00:03:49,166
Keep it going
for Roy Shackleford!
89
00:03:49,207 --> 00:03:51,211
[cheers and applause]
90
00:03:51,253 --> 00:03:53,550
Yup, it's my birthday.
91
00:03:53,592 --> 00:03:55,094
Thank you. Thank you.
92
00:03:55,136 --> 00:03:57,600
When I was a little girl on
my birthday,
93
00:03:57,641 --> 00:03:59,894
I hated to be spanked.
94
00:03:59,896 --> 00:04:02,192
Boy, have I changed.
95
00:04:02,233 --> 00:04:04,068
[laughter]
96
00:04:04,070 --> 00:04:05,906
Now, I have a birthday
every week.
97
00:04:05,908 --> 00:04:07,995
Yo, yo. Oh, look at him.
98
00:04:08,037 --> 00:04:09,707
My man. Handsome.
99
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:11,126
- Look at you, son.
- Look at you.
100
00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:12,920
Hey, I got to ask you
a question, brother.
101
00:04:12,922 --> 00:04:15,886
Why in the world would you use
the C-word at 6:00 a.m.?
102
00:04:15,928 --> 00:04:18,098
Because it's funny all day. Hmm.
103
00:04:18,140 --> 00:04:20,979
For sure,
but that clerk was offended.
104
00:04:21,021 --> 00:04:23,275
Who isn't these days, bro?
105
00:04:23,317 --> 00:04:24,904
At least it went viral.
106
00:04:24,946 --> 00:04:26,783
[Sandy]
So, you're this week's
comedian?
107
00:04:26,824 --> 00:04:28,118
Can you tell me a joke?
108
00:04:29,037 --> 00:04:32,043
Can I just have
my room key, Sandy?
109
00:04:32,085 --> 00:04:34,130
[Sandy]
Not until you tell me a joke.
110
00:04:35,634 --> 00:04:37,095
- You want a joke?
- Yes.
111
00:04:37,136 --> 00:04:39,057
What's the difference
between a vagina
112
00:04:39,099 --> 00:04:41,563
and a [bleep]?
113
00:04:41,604 --> 00:04:42,749
You would think she would have
114
00:04:42,773 --> 00:04:44,094
a better sense of humor,
you know?
115
00:04:46,154 --> 00:04:47,154
You know what?
116
00:04:47,156 --> 00:04:48,325
Fuck the internet, okay?
117
00:04:48,367 --> 00:04:49,954
And by the way, I'm offended
118
00:04:49,996 --> 00:04:51,099
that you're putting on
seven open mikers
119
00:04:51,123 --> 00:04:52,208
in front of me tonight.
120
00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:53,712
Do that on a bringer night.
121
00:04:53,753 --> 00:04:55,256
Bro, they're just
my fucking students.
122
00:04:55,298 --> 00:04:56,843
Yeah, I get it.
123
00:04:56,884 --> 00:04:59,974
They pay you,
you give them stage time.
124
00:05:00,016 --> 00:05:01,268
You Weinstein them.
125
00:05:01,310 --> 00:05:03,020
I get it.
Do it on another night.
126
00:05:03,022 --> 00:05:05,819
No one ever gave
the great Pete Brennan a shot?
127
00:05:05,861 --> 00:05:08,198
Hey, hey,
wasn't your first time onstage
128
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:09,660
headlining at The Improv?
129
00:05:09,702 --> 00:05:11,246
That's right.
130
00:05:11,288 --> 00:05:14,208
And I never sucked one dick
or licked one ball bag.
131
00:05:14,210 --> 00:05:15,712
- Oh, you didn't?
- No.
132
00:05:15,714 --> 00:05:17,381
[applause]
133
00:05:17,383 --> 00:05:20,014
I asked my girlfriend to say
something nice about me
134
00:05:20,056 --> 00:05:21,726
and she said,
"Well, you know your, uh,
135
00:05:21,768 --> 00:05:23,895
your penis is bigger
than all your friends'."
136
00:05:23,897 --> 00:05:26,694
[laughter]
137
00:05:26,736 --> 00:05:28,657
And you can always tell
the woman in casinos
138
00:05:28,698 --> 00:05:30,052
that are hookers
because they're the ones
139
00:05:30,076 --> 00:05:32,038
- that talk to you.
- [laughter]
140
00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:35,921
They say good things
come in pairs,
141
00:05:35,962 --> 00:05:38,026
which is a great way to get
kicked out of the fruit market.
142
00:05:38,050 --> 00:05:40,096
[laughter]
143
00:05:42,392 --> 00:05:43,871
Danny, PJ's running
a little bit late.
144
00:05:43,895 --> 00:05:45,231
I was gonna stick Ethan on next.
145
00:05:45,272 --> 00:05:46,439
Coolio.
146
00:05:46,441 --> 00:05:49,364
Ooh, we got one of your pupils?
147
00:05:49,406 --> 00:05:51,326
- Former alumni. Class of '97.
- Makes sense.
148
00:05:51,368 --> 00:05:53,873
That was the last time
you wrote a new joke.
149
00:05:53,915 --> 00:05:55,792
That you're still using, biatch.
150
00:05:55,794 --> 00:05:56,879
It's a good bit.
151
00:05:56,921 --> 00:05:58,463
[Pete] Yeah, that's right.
152
00:05:58,465 --> 00:06:00,070
Hey. So, they let you out
after storming the Capitol?
153
00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:01,179
[Pete] You know what?
154
00:06:01,221 --> 00:06:02,891
I had a note, okay?
155
00:06:02,933 --> 00:06:05,062
- I never sat on Pelosi's desk.
- Okay. Yeah.
156
00:06:05,104 --> 00:06:06,946
Hey, uh, when can we see you
in the new episode
157
00:06:06,983 --> 00:06:08,193
of Doomsday Preppers?
158
00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:09,506
I did a self-tape,
still waiting.
159
00:06:09,530 --> 00:06:10,741
Bummer.
160
00:06:10,782 --> 00:06:12,368
Hey, do yourself a favor.
161
00:06:12,410 --> 00:06:14,495
Take a look at the kid
that I'm sticking onstage next.
162
00:06:14,497 --> 00:06:16,042
Why would I ever do that?
163
00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:17,378
[Roy] You've seen people bomb.
164
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:19,424
This kid next levels it.
165
00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:21,011
Epic, right?
166
00:06:21,052 --> 00:06:22,472
Yeah, Hiroshima.
167
00:06:24,058 --> 00:06:26,814
This kid eats more dick
than K-pop's mother, right?
168
00:06:26,856 --> 00:06:28,334
- Yeah.
- And plus, he's got this weird,
169
00:06:28,358 --> 00:06:30,154
like, quirky thing.
170
00:06:30,196 --> 00:06:31,864
It, like, totally draws you in.
Trust me. Am I right?
171
00:06:31,866 --> 00:06:33,995
- [Danny] True.
- Okay. Let me guess.
172
00:06:34,037 --> 00:06:35,872
He's never had one paid gig
173
00:06:35,874 --> 00:06:37,418
and his social media
all starts with,
174
00:06:37,460 --> 00:06:39,380
"The official blah, blah."
175
00:06:39,422 --> 00:06:41,886
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
176
00:06:41,928 --> 00:06:43,222
This dude is rich.
177
00:06:43,263 --> 00:06:45,226
He does it
for the love of the game.
178
00:06:45,267 --> 00:06:47,396
- How papered up?
- [Danny] Paper.
179
00:06:47,438 --> 00:06:48,942
- Really?
- Yeah.
180
00:06:48,983 --> 00:06:50,987
Dude, fat money.
It's... dude, it's crazy.
181
00:06:51,029 --> 00:06:53,908
Like, uh, Waterboy said, man,
he got something.
182
00:06:53,910 --> 00:06:55,287
You should go check him out.
183
00:06:55,329 --> 00:06:56,914
Yeah.
184
00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:58,335
So, Fat Mike Pants,
185
00:06:58,377 --> 00:07:00,214
you really should go
gluten-free.
186
00:07:00,256 --> 00:07:02,553
Look, how's this
fucking crowd tonight, bro?
187
00:07:02,594 --> 00:07:04,472
Okay. Put it this way.
188
00:07:04,515 --> 00:07:06,035
The lady who threw the diamond
off the front of the Titanic,
189
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:08,313
she's in the front row
with her parents.
190
00:07:09,357 --> 00:07:10,484
That's old.
191
00:07:10,527 --> 00:07:12,278
- [laughter]
- [Pete] Fuck!
192
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:13,424
Let's go. Let me see
his fucking funeral out here.
193
00:07:13,448 --> 00:07:14,869
Yeah, you got it.
194
00:07:14,910 --> 00:07:16,288
- Oh, hey, Pete.
- Yeah?
195
00:07:16,329 --> 00:07:18,166
- Don't suck.
- Damn it!
196
00:07:18,208 --> 00:07:20,296
- [upbeat music playing]
- [laughter]
197
00:07:21,256 --> 00:07:22,632
You're slowing down, bro.
198
00:07:22,634 --> 00:07:25,891
[upbeat music playing]
199
00:07:29,607 --> 00:07:31,316
Oh, you're too kind,
you're too kind.
200
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:33,320
Are you ready
for some more comedy?
201
00:07:33,322 --> 00:07:34,926
Let me tell you about this
next kid coming to the stage.
202
00:07:34,950 --> 00:07:36,345
He's ridden all the way
from Hungary
203
00:07:36,369 --> 00:07:38,498
and once opened
for Sebastian Bach,
204
00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:41,338
the pianist, not the heavy
metal singer from Skid Row.
205
00:07:41,379 --> 00:07:44,385
Please welcome,
the very funny, Ethan Barr.
206
00:07:44,427 --> 00:07:45,513
Come on, Ethan.
207
00:07:45,555 --> 00:07:47,266
- [applause]
- Yeah.
208
00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:49,479
You'll be fine.
209
00:07:52,401 --> 00:07:53,445
[clears throat]
210
00:07:58,455 --> 00:07:59,708
Hello, everybody.
211
00:08:01,127 --> 00:08:03,508
I am Ethan Barr...
212
00:08:03,549 --> 00:08:06,722
and I am a vampire.
213
00:08:06,764 --> 00:08:11,106
For the record, I'm neither
Team Edward or Team Jacob.
214
00:08:11,147 --> 00:08:13,068
I rooted for the sun.
215
00:08:15,740 --> 00:08:17,410
On account of the daylight...
216
00:08:17,451 --> 00:08:19,581
which is
an urban legend anyways.
217
00:08:19,623 --> 00:08:21,126
[man] Yeah, like your act.
218
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,255
[Ethan] Wow.
219
00:08:24,257 --> 00:08:26,094
I haven't seen a crowd
this tight
220
00:08:26,136 --> 00:08:29,727
since the Venetians
at The Siege of Corfu 1716.
221
00:08:30,770 --> 00:08:32,106
[man] Like, you were there?
222
00:08:33,150 --> 00:08:34,695
I was.
223
00:08:34,737 --> 00:08:38,160
I believe we captured
over 8,000 men that day.
224
00:08:38,201 --> 00:08:39,328
Ha!
225
00:08:40,623 --> 00:08:42,168
That was funny.
226
00:08:42,209 --> 00:08:43,796
[Ethan] You'll have
to excuse me...
227
00:08:43,838 --> 00:08:45,130
- I told you he had something.
- ...I'm a bit tired.
228
00:08:45,132 --> 00:08:47,261
That was definitely something!
229
00:08:48,346 --> 00:08:49,491
[Roy] Hey, I told you
[indistinct]
230
00:08:49,516 --> 00:08:50,641
[Ethan] The [indistinct]
231
00:08:50,643 --> 00:08:52,229
This is like a derailment, bro.
232
00:08:52,271 --> 00:08:54,148
And, boy, are my arms tired.
233
00:08:54,150 --> 00:08:55,612
How much time has he got left?
234
00:08:55,653 --> 00:08:57,239
He's got like a minute.
235
00:08:57,281 --> 00:08:58,241
[Ethan] And he pulls out
a used tampon.
236
00:08:58,283 --> 00:08:59,492
No, in his career.
237
00:08:59,494 --> 00:09:02,498
[laughs] He's got like a minute.
238
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:04,630
Told you it was hilarious.
239
00:09:04,671 --> 00:09:06,673
All right. Let me go abort this.
240
00:09:06,675 --> 00:09:08,513
That is club's night in Texas.
241
00:09:08,554 --> 00:09:11,685
[laughs] I'll light you at five.
242
00:09:11,727 --> 00:09:13,480
All right.
243
00:09:13,523 --> 00:09:15,357
- All right. Kill it, Champ.
- [applause]
244
00:09:15,359 --> 00:09:17,614
- Where are you going?
- I think I just sharted.
245
00:09:17,656 --> 00:09:20,285
[Roy] Folks, keep it going
for Ethan Barr.
246
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,331
He's new. He's tired.
247
00:09:22,373 --> 00:09:24,878
[man] [indistinct]
right over here.
248
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:27,884
Wow, you're Pete Brennan.
249
00:09:29,721 --> 00:09:31,099
It's a pleasure.
250
00:09:32,226 --> 00:09:34,355
Hey, buddy. How are you?
251
00:09:35,482 --> 00:09:37,401
I saw you in the back.
252
00:09:37,403 --> 00:09:38,488
Okay.
253
00:09:38,531 --> 00:09:39,732
I didn't realize it was you...
254
00:09:40,702 --> 00:09:42,411
until I did.
255
00:09:42,413 --> 00:09:44,375
Oh, yeah.
I was the guy who laughed.
256
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,254
And again, thank you for that.
257
00:09:46,296 --> 00:09:48,676
They say, "If you can reach
just one person," right?
258
00:09:48,718 --> 00:09:51,181
They do say that. Yeah.
259
00:09:51,222 --> 00:09:52,266
Is that what they say?
260
00:09:52,308 --> 00:09:53,811
I think so.
261
00:09:54,938 --> 00:09:56,942
Bro, could you get closer or...
262
00:09:56,984 --> 00:09:58,571
- I could.
- I'd rather you not.
263
00:09:58,613 --> 00:10:00,700
- Okay.
- Jesus Christ, dude.
264
00:10:03,288 --> 00:10:05,250
The real reason I came over here
265
00:10:05,292 --> 00:10:06,712
was to see if...
266
00:10:06,754 --> 00:10:08,465
- Yeah?
- ...you ever needed
267
00:10:08,507 --> 00:10:11,471
an opener or even had
any tips for me.
268
00:10:11,513 --> 00:10:13,851
I'd be...
269
00:10:13,893 --> 00:10:14,937
very thankful.
270
00:10:16,314 --> 00:10:17,481
You're looking for a tip?
271
00:10:17,483 --> 00:10:19,738
That would be incredible.
272
00:10:19,780 --> 00:10:21,449
Here's a tip.
273
00:10:21,491 --> 00:10:24,998
Uh, try not to talk
to the headliner's ear off
274
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,877
before he's about
to take the stage.
275
00:10:26,919 --> 00:10:28,463
Hear me?
276
00:10:28,506 --> 00:10:30,006
Yeah.
277
00:10:30,008 --> 00:10:31,679
Okay?
278
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,473
Fucking Chatty Cathy.
279
00:10:35,060 --> 00:10:36,814
It's Ethan.
280
00:10:36,855 --> 00:10:38,567
The Insurrectionist of Comedy,
281
00:10:38,609 --> 00:10:41,782
Mr. Pete Brennan.
282
00:10:41,824 --> 00:10:45,289
[cheers and applause]
283
00:10:45,330 --> 00:10:46,709
[man] Don't [indistinct] bro.
284
00:10:50,048 --> 00:10:54,889
Don't talk to comic.
285
00:10:54,891 --> 00:10:56,645
Oh, my God.
286
00:10:56,687 --> 00:10:57,981
Good stuff.
287
00:10:58,023 --> 00:11:00,027
It's like shooting fish
in a barrel.
288
00:11:01,572 --> 00:11:03,909
Uh, sorry. You'll get them
next time, buddy.
289
00:11:03,951 --> 00:11:05,580
Give it up for, uh, your host,
290
00:11:05,621 --> 00:11:07,416
Roy Shackleford, everybody.
291
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:08,878
That's right.
292
00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:10,590
[applause]
293
00:11:10,631 --> 00:11:11,985
Give it up
for Count Dracula, everybody.
294
00:11:12,009 --> 00:11:13,763
He was, uh...
295
00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:17,604
He was so scary.
296
00:11:17,645 --> 00:11:19,357
He scared
the laughs away, right?
297
00:11:19,398 --> 00:11:20,985
[laughter]
298
00:11:21,027 --> 00:11:23,699
When he's here,
it's a two-pint minimum.
299
00:11:23,741 --> 00:11:25,828
Yeah.
300
00:11:25,870 --> 00:11:28,083
Good thing he sleeps in a coffin
301
00:11:28,124 --> 00:11:30,045
because he died up here.
302
00:11:30,087 --> 00:11:34,468
I mean, he was...
Whew, he was so bad,
303
00:11:34,470 --> 00:11:37,101
he made me wanna drive a stake
through my own heart, right?
304
00:11:37,142 --> 00:11:39,478
Even just, you know, just a bit.
305
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:43,697
[laughter, applause]
306
00:11:43,739 --> 00:11:46,492
Oh, man. Hey, at least
he remembered you.
307
00:11:46,494 --> 00:11:47,995
[Pete] ...this Dracula guy?
308
00:11:47,997 --> 00:11:50,166
Oh, come on. Let's get you
a drink, all right?
309
00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:51,837
How about a Bloody Mary?
310
00:11:51,839 --> 00:11:54,093
Maybe for you, hold the Mary.
311
00:11:54,135 --> 00:11:56,723
[laughter]
312
00:11:56,765 --> 00:11:57,725
[indistinct chatter]
313
00:11:57,767 --> 00:11:58,851
Hey, Roy.
314
00:11:58,853 --> 00:12:00,480
I'm sorry I missed my set.
315
00:12:00,523 --> 00:12:02,610
Whatever, man. Ethan covered it.
316
00:12:02,652 --> 00:12:04,027
Of all the people, him?
317
00:12:04,029 --> 00:12:06,577
Well, yeah.
You weren't here on time.
318
00:12:06,618 --> 00:12:08,914
He was the worst student
in our class.
319
00:12:08,956 --> 00:12:11,795
His stupid Twilight joke
isn't even accurate, all right?
320
00:12:11,837 --> 00:12:14,759
Everybody knows
Edward sparkles in the sun
321
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:18,057
and frickin' Jacob
is a frickin' werewolf, dude.
322
00:12:18,099 --> 00:12:19,726
Come on, man!
323
00:12:19,728 --> 00:12:20,998
This guy needs
his own identity, you know?
324
00:12:21,022 --> 00:12:23,611
He's just a Baby Bat poser!
325
00:12:23,652 --> 00:12:26,115
- Beverage?
- Oh, God. Perfect timing.
326
00:12:26,157 --> 00:12:27,240
- [Pete] Yeah.
- You buying?
327
00:12:27,242 --> 00:12:28,579
I'm out of drink tickets.
328
00:12:28,621 --> 00:12:31,585
- What the...
- Baby Bat.
329
00:12:32,587 --> 00:12:33,881
Hmm.
330
00:12:33,923 --> 00:12:35,968
How original.
331
00:12:36,010 --> 00:12:39,559
PJ, you, my friend,
are a cosplayer...
332
00:12:39,601 --> 00:12:41,647
a bad movie reboot.
333
00:12:42,607 --> 00:12:44,736
You crave eternity,
yet mistakenly believe
334
00:12:44,778 --> 00:12:49,955
it can be achieved through
nihilistic posts online.
335
00:12:49,996 --> 00:12:51,542
And to top it off,
336
00:12:51,583 --> 00:12:54,881
for the rest of your short...
337
00:12:55,925 --> 00:12:57,302
mortal life...
338
00:12:58,931 --> 00:13:01,603
you have to walk around
looking like Cher
339
00:13:01,645 --> 00:13:03,649
face-fucked Marilyn Manson.
340
00:13:03,691 --> 00:13:05,193
[electric guitar strums]
341
00:13:10,161 --> 00:13:12,040
I'm not that ugly, am I?
342
00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:14,921
Ugly as a motherfucker,
but use it.
343
00:13:16,758 --> 00:13:17,885
Is he serious?
344
00:13:19,096 --> 00:13:21,076
Thanks for telling the audience
you knocked me up tonight.
345
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:25,023
Really racked in the cash,
almost cracked minimum wage.
346
00:13:25,025 --> 00:13:27,027
I do what I can
to get you more tips.
347
00:13:27,029 --> 00:13:28,741
Come on. Plus, it's funny.
348
00:13:28,782 --> 00:13:30,366
No. It's hack.
349
00:13:30,368 --> 00:13:32,665
Customers were like,
"When are you due?
350
00:13:32,707 --> 00:13:34,376
Have you picked
out a gender yet?"
351
00:13:36,923 --> 00:13:38,636
Okay.
352
00:13:38,677 --> 00:13:40,364
First of all, gender doesn't
exist as a concept,
353
00:13:40,388 --> 00:13:43,812
so you're cancelled,
and "hack"? Really?
354
00:13:43,854 --> 00:13:44,814
- Come on.
- Is that all
355
00:13:44,856 --> 00:13:46,065
that matters to you?
356
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:47,233
Well, it's important. I mean...
357
00:13:47,235 --> 00:13:49,114
Hey, Ethan. Great set tonight.
358
00:13:49,156 --> 00:13:52,243
Uh, I do, however, have some,
uh, tips on that Grindr bit,
359
00:13:52,245 --> 00:13:55,001
so we'll talk about it
on Sunday, won't we?
360
00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:58,257
Thank you, Steph.
I appreciate that.
361
00:13:58,299 --> 00:13:59,926
Hello, Pete.
362
00:13:59,928 --> 00:14:01,261
I just wanted to say great set...
363
00:14:01,263 --> 00:14:03,309
What's going on on Sunday?
364
00:14:03,351 --> 00:14:06,357
Well, that's actually what
I wanted to speak to you about.
365
00:14:06,399 --> 00:14:11,743
Sunday evening, I am having
a small to-do at my place
366
00:14:11,785 --> 00:14:14,081
and I would love it
if you could make it.
367
00:14:14,123 --> 00:14:18,381
And you are gonna have Stephanie
at this to-do?
368
00:14:18,423 --> 00:14:19,926
Yeah, she will be there
369
00:14:19,968 --> 00:14:22,180
as well as Roy, Danny,
a few others.
370
00:14:22,222 --> 00:14:23,892
Nothing crazy.
371
00:14:23,934 --> 00:14:25,736
I wanted to formally invite you
and Steph said
372
00:14:25,771 --> 00:14:27,815
I should do it myself.
373
00:14:27,817 --> 00:14:29,484
I understand if you're busy,
374
00:14:29,486 --> 00:14:31,425
there's no pressure,
but I'd love to have you there.
375
00:14:31,449 --> 00:14:33,996
Okay. Let me tell you something,
okay, bro?
376
00:14:34,037 --> 00:14:36,292
First of all, I don't even
believe that accent.
377
00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:38,421
You're probably
from Cleveland, okay?
378
00:14:38,463 --> 00:14:41,341
Second of all,
comics are only busy
379
00:14:41,343 --> 00:14:44,057
when they're getting busy,
you know what I'm saying?
380
00:14:44,099 --> 00:14:45,101
Okay.
381
00:14:45,143 --> 00:14:47,314
So, maybe you can come by
382
00:14:47,355 --> 00:14:49,067
and give me some tips
or something.
383
00:14:49,109 --> 00:14:50,821
Oh, my God, dude.
384
00:14:50,863 --> 00:14:52,825
What am I, Reddit?
You're always asking for tips.
385
00:14:52,867 --> 00:14:54,453
I've known you
for eight minutes.
386
00:14:54,495 --> 00:14:56,081
Okay. Here's a tip.
387
00:14:56,123 --> 00:14:58,504
Never try to hit
on the comedy club waitress...
388
00:14:58,545 --> 00:15:00,131
Ooh, but Steph...
389
00:15:00,173 --> 00:15:02,344
...when the comedy club waitress
happens to be
390
00:15:02,385 --> 00:15:06,520
the headliner's girlfriend
at his home club.
391
00:15:06,561 --> 00:15:08,481
Ah.
392
00:15:08,524 --> 00:15:09,818
Yeah. Okay.
393
00:15:09,859 --> 00:15:11,237
[Ethan] So, I'll see you Sunday.
394
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:14,536
Oh, I can't wait.
We can talk about skin rubs.
395
00:15:15,579 --> 00:15:18,084
When were you gonna tell me
about this Sunday?
396
00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:20,088
Oh, I wanted him to tell you.
397
00:15:20,129 --> 00:15:22,593
Thank you, Steph.
398
00:15:22,635 --> 00:15:24,388
Nope, not doing that.
399
00:15:24,429 --> 00:15:26,935
- Doing what?
- This whole jealousy thing.
400
00:15:26,977 --> 00:15:28,038
- I'm not jealous.
- Yes, you are.
401
00:15:28,062 --> 00:15:29,147
- I'm not.
- Uh-hmm.
402
00:15:29,189 --> 00:15:30,607
No need two decades, Pete.
403
00:15:30,609 --> 00:15:32,362
It wasn't cute then
and it ain't cute now.
404
00:15:32,404 --> 00:15:35,995
Besides, I thought we could
actually go out for once.
405
00:15:38,082 --> 00:15:39,334
I'm out every night.
406
00:15:39,376 --> 00:15:41,213
Yeah, to comedy clubs.
407
00:15:41,255 --> 00:15:42,965
- Yeah.
- But, honey,
408
00:15:42,967 --> 00:15:46,265
when was the last time
that we actually went out?
409
00:15:46,307 --> 00:15:48,060
You know I have other
wardrobe besides
410
00:15:48,102 --> 00:15:50,981
jaded cocktail waitress dress
for a funeral, right?
411
00:15:50,983 --> 00:15:52,651
. First of all,
I think you look fantastic.
412
00:15:52,653 --> 00:15:55,241
And second of all,
you can't say the word cocktail
413
00:15:55,283 --> 00:15:56,659
- without saying the word...
- Cock.
414
00:15:56,661 --> 00:15:58,205
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Got it.
415
00:15:58,247 --> 00:16:00,126
Two k-sounds
in a single syllable word.
416
00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:01,588
How prolific.
417
00:16:01,630 --> 00:16:03,424
Can you just turn it off
for two seconds
418
00:16:03,466 --> 00:16:05,011
and be real with me?
419
00:16:05,971 --> 00:16:07,892
- [sighs] Okay. But look...
- [mumbles]
420
00:16:09,061 --> 00:16:10,247
- I'm going to Ethan's.
- Uh-hmm.
421
00:16:10,271 --> 00:16:11,689
I'd want for you to join.
422
00:16:11,691 --> 00:16:14,572
But if you don't, guess what?
I'm still going.
423
00:16:18,538 --> 00:16:20,668
[sighs] Fine.
424
00:16:20,709 --> 00:16:22,313
I'll go for, like, an hour,
all right, tops?
425
00:16:22,337 --> 00:16:23,590
That's it. But I don't...
426
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:26,303
Maybe you'll actually
have fun for once.
427
00:16:26,345 --> 00:16:29,560
Oh, and, uh,
maybe get some new material?
428
00:16:29,602 --> 00:16:31,397
[clears throat intentionally]
429
00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:34,361
I concur.
430
00:16:34,403 --> 00:16:35,614
Lick my ass, guys.
431
00:16:35,656 --> 00:16:37,158
Wax that thing.
432
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,454
Tongue punch my fart box.
433
00:16:39,496 --> 00:16:41,041
[laughter]
434
00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,545
Lick all around my ass
435
00:16:42,586 --> 00:16:45,341
because even my taint is better
436
00:16:45,383 --> 00:16:47,680
than the five minutes
I saw you guys do tonight.
437
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,309
[phone ringing]
438
00:16:52,606 --> 00:16:54,443
What's up, Chuck?
439
00:16:54,484 --> 00:16:59,411
Ah! The timeless, old puke joke
that never gets funny.
440
00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:00,807
What are you even doing up
it's 12:00 noon?
441
00:17:00,831 --> 00:17:02,791
I'm... I'm actually writing
new jokes,
442
00:17:02,793 --> 00:17:04,129
not that you care.
443
00:17:04,171 --> 00:17:05,797
Actually, I don't.
444
00:17:05,799 --> 00:17:07,634
Now, listen up,
my little meal ticket.
445
00:17:07,636 --> 00:17:09,264
I have a commitment for you
to open up
446
00:17:09,306 --> 00:17:11,226
the brand new
Russell Peters special
447
00:17:11,268 --> 00:17:12,811
taping at the Sahara.
448
00:17:12,813 --> 00:17:16,652
You know, international
superstar Russell Peters.
449
00:17:16,654 --> 00:17:18,282
All right.
450
00:17:18,324 --> 00:17:20,660
I also added a few shitty gigs
to your run,
451
00:17:20,662 --> 00:17:22,415
so check your schedule.
452
00:17:22,457 --> 00:17:24,545
What, another bowling alley
or another taco stand?
453
00:17:25,798 --> 00:17:28,385
Listen, Pete, as your friend...
454
00:17:28,427 --> 00:17:30,575
you know, you wouldn't have to
take all these shitty gigs
455
00:17:30,599 --> 00:17:33,187
if we just stop paying
for all those medical bills?
456
00:17:33,229 --> 00:17:35,316
Come on, Chuck.
No, don't go there, all right?
457
00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:36,692
Look.
458
00:17:36,694 --> 00:17:38,489
I'm just saying,
there are some other ways,
459
00:17:38,532 --> 00:17:41,869
some of them even legal
for you to dig out of your hole.
460
00:17:41,871 --> 00:17:44,374
There's nothing more American
than filing bankruptcy.
461
00:17:44,376 --> 00:17:47,213
Dude, I looked into it, okay?
It's 2,500 bucks.
462
00:17:47,215 --> 00:17:49,718
I don't even have enough money
to claim I don't have any money.
463
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,808
[laughs] That's hilarious.
464
00:17:51,850 --> 00:17:54,227
Please tell me
you used that in the rotation.
465
00:17:54,229 --> 00:17:55,396
It's not a joke.
466
00:17:55,398 --> 00:17:57,360
Unfortunately, it's my life.
467
00:17:57,402 --> 00:18:00,241
Well, your misery is hilarious.
468
00:18:01,243 --> 00:18:03,289
Okay, look.
469
00:18:03,330 --> 00:18:05,168
I'm only gonna do this
Russell gig
470
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:06,689
because I wanna be seen
by the network execs.
471
00:18:06,713 --> 00:18:08,215
That's it.
472
00:18:08,257 --> 00:18:10,512
I need you to schmooze
the suits, Chuck.
473
00:18:10,554 --> 00:18:12,892
Do your job, Chuck. No offense.
474
00:18:12,933 --> 00:18:15,269
Huh. Tons taken.
475
00:18:15,271 --> 00:18:16,774
By the way, duly noted.
476
00:18:16,816 --> 00:18:19,237
Listen, do me a favor.
477
00:18:19,279 --> 00:18:20,489
Pick an opener
478
00:18:20,532 --> 00:18:22,202
or one's gonna be appointed
for you.
479
00:18:22,243 --> 00:18:23,495
Hold on. No, Chuck.
480
00:18:23,538 --> 00:18:25,208
I'm not getting stuck
in the road
481
00:18:25,249 --> 00:18:27,794
with one of your social
media influencers.
482
00:18:27,796 --> 00:18:30,259
I don't need somebody
who can't actually tell a joke.
483
00:18:30,301 --> 00:18:32,263
What do you do with them,
you pay for play?
484
00:18:33,474 --> 00:18:35,269
All right.
485
00:18:35,311 --> 00:18:36,372
Now, you can stop pretending
like you're writing jokes,
486
00:18:36,396 --> 00:18:37,499
and go back to watching porn.
487
00:18:37,524 --> 00:18:38,860
Fire a little toddler juice
488
00:18:38,902 --> 00:18:41,824
into a tissue of love,
you weirdo.
489
00:18:41,866 --> 00:18:44,454
I'm not... I'm not on porn.
490
00:18:44,496 --> 00:18:46,458
[woman moaning]
491
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,003
[ominous music playing]
492
00:18:49,005 --> 00:18:51,676
Wasn't there a helicopter
in Scarface?
493
00:18:51,678 --> 00:18:53,556
Remember the guy hanging?
494
00:18:53,598 --> 00:18:56,688
This is kind of, like,
a James Bond villain.
495
00:18:56,729 --> 00:18:58,357
Holy.
496
00:18:59,610 --> 00:19:02,365
My God, this is...
497
00:19:02,407 --> 00:19:04,452
Okay. I think
you should slow down.
498
00:19:04,494 --> 00:19:06,039
Why?
499
00:19:06,081 --> 00:19:08,041
You invite me out, the least
I can do is get toasty.
500
00:19:08,043 --> 00:19:09,878
You're toasty enough, trust me.
501
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,882
Get that... you promised.
502
00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:13,053
Oh, God.
503
00:19:13,095 --> 00:19:14,055
I'm gonna knock the door
'cause apparently,
504
00:19:14,097 --> 00:19:15,391
chivalry is dead.
505
00:19:16,728 --> 00:19:19,024
[Pete] I don't wanna
chip my nails.
506
00:19:19,065 --> 00:19:20,567
Like the fun cop is here.
507
00:19:20,569 --> 00:19:22,030
- [door opens]
- What the...
508
00:19:23,115 --> 00:19:24,618
How can I help you guys?
509
00:19:24,660 --> 00:19:27,748
Whoa! It's like Thanos
in a sport coat.
510
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:29,587
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
511
00:19:29,628 --> 00:19:31,340
- Yeah.
- I'm scared.
512
00:19:31,381 --> 00:19:34,054
Uh, can Ethan come out to play?
513
00:19:34,095 --> 00:19:35,431
[Ethan] It's okay.
514
00:19:35,473 --> 00:19:36,684
- It's cool?
- Uh-hmm.
515
00:19:36,726 --> 00:19:37,978
Okay.
516
00:19:38,020 --> 00:19:40,105
- Hey.
- [Ethan] Thank you, Heegan.
517
00:19:40,107 --> 00:19:41,609
Welcome to my home.
518
00:19:41,611 --> 00:19:42,905
[Stephanie] Incredible.
519
00:19:42,946 --> 00:19:44,784
Enthralled you both
could make it.
520
00:19:45,786 --> 00:19:47,080
This is for you.
521
00:19:47,121 --> 00:19:48,792
Steph, thank you.
522
00:19:49,752 --> 00:19:51,964
Pinot. Hmm.
523
00:19:52,006 --> 00:19:54,887
Pete picked it out
just like our outfits,
524
00:19:54,929 --> 00:19:57,016
so if it sucks...
525
00:19:57,058 --> 00:19:58,954
I thought it'd compliment
the whole Renfield thing,
526
00:19:58,978 --> 00:20:00,647
you know, and really go
with your motif.
527
00:20:00,649 --> 00:20:03,571
That is so thoughtful, Pete.
528
00:20:03,613 --> 00:20:05,659
Though, Renfield
was an assistant.
529
00:20:05,700 --> 00:20:08,665
I was clearly a Baron.
530
00:20:08,706 --> 00:20:11,836
But I appreciate the sentiment.
531
00:20:11,838 --> 00:20:14,050
Please, do come in.
532
00:20:14,092 --> 00:20:15,971
Do come in.
533
00:20:17,516 --> 00:20:21,189
This dude
really is committed to this.
534
00:20:24,195 --> 00:20:27,034
[Ethan] Pete, would you mind
closing the door, please?
535
00:20:30,207 --> 00:20:33,464
[dramatic music playing]
536
00:20:36,762 --> 00:20:38,808
[grunting]
537
00:20:51,626 --> 00:20:54,673
[door creaking]
538
00:20:59,975 --> 00:21:01,604
- Jackpot!
- It's cool?
539
00:21:01,646 --> 00:21:03,566
- I'd love to.
- Yeah, yeah. It's my pleasure.
540
00:21:03,608 --> 00:21:05,610
He might be single
for the right girl.
541
00:21:05,612 --> 00:21:08,952
And this is my game room.
542
00:21:08,993 --> 00:21:11,206
[Stephanie] Should have worn
my cleavage.
543
00:21:11,248 --> 00:21:12,791
Oh, shit,
I haven't seen that dude
544
00:21:12,793 --> 00:21:14,797
since Counting Crows broke up.
545
00:21:14,838 --> 00:21:16,150
Hey, Pete Brennan!
How are you, man?
546
00:21:16,174 --> 00:21:17,803
[Pete] Yeah. I'm doing good.
547
00:21:17,844 --> 00:21:20,725
Well, I'm, uh,
free next two months if...
548
00:21:20,767 --> 00:21:22,103
You know, come to a guest set,
549
00:21:22,144 --> 00:21:23,690
they love to see you,
just pop in.
550
00:21:23,731 --> 00:21:24,815
Eight minutes?
551
00:21:24,817 --> 00:21:26,317
Uh, well, give it ten minutes.
552
00:21:26,319 --> 00:21:28,741
- Okay [indistinct]
- All right.
553
00:21:28,783 --> 00:21:30,827
- Take care, Pete.
- Harry, you look great.
554
00:21:30,829 --> 00:21:31,996
You too, buddy.
Love you, man.
555
00:21:31,998 --> 00:21:34,043
Man, back at you, dude.
556
00:21:34,085 --> 00:21:36,172
[Stephanie] That went well.
557
00:21:37,718 --> 00:21:41,141
[Chuck] Hey,
what's up, monkey-tits?
558
00:21:41,182 --> 00:21:42,894
What's up, Chuck?
559
00:21:42,936 --> 00:21:45,609
[chuckle] Swing and a miss!
560
00:21:46,819 --> 00:21:47,904
What are you doing here?
561
00:21:47,946 --> 00:21:49,908
Checking out the new talent.
562
00:21:49,950 --> 00:21:51,704
When you're saying new talent,
563
00:21:51,746 --> 00:21:54,250
I hope you mean females
564
00:21:54,292 --> 00:21:55,962
and not the emo kid
who lives here.
565
00:21:56,004 --> 00:21:58,801
Hey, I know you may find
this tough to believe,
566
00:21:58,843 --> 00:22:02,058
but you are not the only
open miker on my roster.
567
00:22:02,099 --> 00:22:03,893
- Hey!
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
568
00:22:03,895 --> 00:22:06,232
Easy, cockbreath, all right?
I'm working for you.
569
00:22:06,274 --> 00:22:07,903
Didn't you get my message?
570
00:22:07,944 --> 00:22:10,074
I got you the cover
of Middle Act Magazine.
571
00:22:10,115 --> 00:22:11,952
- Oh!
- Ho, ho. Hey!
572
00:22:11,994 --> 00:22:13,246
Now, shut your chicken skimmer
573
00:22:13,288 --> 00:22:14,413
and let's do another shot.
574
00:22:14,415 --> 00:22:16,127
Ain't got to tell me twice.
575
00:22:16,169 --> 00:22:17,798
Who wants another shot?
576
00:22:17,839 --> 00:22:19,423
- Yeah. Always.
- Oh, yeah. No.
577
00:22:19,425 --> 00:22:22,096
I would absolutely love to,
except it looks like
578
00:22:22,098 --> 00:22:25,104
I'm designated driver
tonight again.
579
00:22:25,145 --> 00:22:27,441
Why are you even with this man?
580
00:22:27,483 --> 00:22:28,943
Two words.
581
00:22:28,945 --> 00:22:30,907
Baby arm.
582
00:22:30,949 --> 00:22:32,282
Any questions?
583
00:22:32,284 --> 00:22:33,830
Come on, Steph.
We all know that baby
584
00:22:33,871 --> 00:22:35,249
is gonna be asleep by 9:00.
585
00:22:35,290 --> 00:22:37,879
[laughter]
586
00:22:37,921 --> 00:22:39,925
Good point.
Chuck, line 'em up.
587
00:22:39,967 --> 00:22:42,179
Now, that's a fuckin'
team player, boys!
588
00:22:42,221 --> 00:22:43,806
All right. Round them up.
589
00:22:43,808 --> 00:22:45,203
- Here you go, kids.
- [Chuck] Let's go!
590
00:22:45,227 --> 00:22:47,312
All right, guys.
What are gonna we toast to?
591
00:22:47,314 --> 00:22:48,901
Oh, apparently, we're toasting
592
00:22:48,943 --> 00:22:52,074
to Pete's cream-filled
flesh twinkie.
593
00:22:55,164 --> 00:22:58,336
I think that Ethan
should do the toast.
594
00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,172
I don't know.
595
00:23:00,174 --> 00:23:01,384
[all] Come on.
596
00:23:01,426 --> 00:23:04,140
Ethan. Ethan.
597
00:23:04,182 --> 00:23:08,356
[all] Ethan! Ethan!
Ethan! Ethan!
598
00:23:08,398 --> 00:23:09,400
Okay. Okay.
599
00:23:09,442 --> 00:23:11,362
Come on, burgundy boy.
600
00:23:15,204 --> 00:23:19,086
To a long life and a happy one.
601
00:23:19,128 --> 00:23:22,550
To a quick death
that escapes none.
602
00:23:22,552 --> 00:23:27,560
Drink to good spirits,
worthy amongst friends.
603
00:23:27,562 --> 00:23:29,564
Drink that you may live,
604
00:23:29,566 --> 00:23:31,570
and may you live till the end.
605
00:23:31,612 --> 00:23:34,908
And for those who cannot,
606
00:23:34,910 --> 00:23:36,412
it has often been said...
607
00:23:37,582 --> 00:23:39,460
may we meet in heaven
608
00:23:39,503 --> 00:23:41,966
before the devil knows
we're dead.
609
00:23:44,136 --> 00:23:46,430
I... I don't get it.
610
00:23:46,432 --> 00:23:48,580
That's 'cause you take your IQ
with a fuckin' tire gauge.
611
00:23:48,604 --> 00:23:50,940
[man] Oh. Somebody said it.
Holy shit!
612
00:23:50,942 --> 00:23:53,154
- Cheers, guys!
- [all] Cheers!
613
00:23:53,196 --> 00:23:56,996
[indistinct chatter]
614
00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:01,296
[Pete] Whoa.
615
00:24:03,174 --> 00:24:05,137
She's mesmerizing!
616
00:24:05,178 --> 00:24:07,306
She was mesmerizing.
617
00:24:07,308 --> 00:24:09,143
Where did you come from, dude?
618
00:24:09,145 --> 00:24:12,192
Damn. Yeah.
619
00:24:14,030 --> 00:24:15,365
You bang her?
620
00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:18,413
She was my mother.
621
00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:22,505
You bang her?
622
00:24:25,010 --> 00:24:27,012
Bangable.
623
00:24:27,014 --> 00:24:29,937
What filter did they use
to make her look old-timey?
624
00:24:29,978 --> 00:24:31,187
That's pretty cool.
625
00:24:31,189 --> 00:24:33,945
It's an original
Poussin, actually.
626
00:24:33,986 --> 00:24:36,992
Painted in 1621.
627
00:24:37,034 --> 00:24:40,082
The summer before she died.
628
00:24:40,123 --> 00:24:42,376
- Poussin?
- Poussin.
629
00:24:42,378 --> 00:24:44,046
[scoffs]
630
00:24:44,048 --> 00:24:46,469
I bet she got a lot of Poussin.
631
00:24:47,722 --> 00:24:50,268
No. This is my only one.
632
00:24:50,310 --> 00:24:52,607
No, bruh.
633
00:24:52,649 --> 00:24:56,072
This is a Poussin palace.
634
00:24:56,114 --> 00:24:59,370
No, it's my palace.
He simply painted one picture.
635
00:24:59,412 --> 00:25:01,249
He was a family friend.
636
00:25:03,253 --> 00:25:07,261
1621, a lot of people
died in 1621.
637
00:25:07,302 --> 00:25:08,597
Beheading.
638
00:25:11,144 --> 00:25:14,025
Seriously?
639
00:25:14,066 --> 00:25:15,695
It happens.
640
00:25:20,747 --> 00:25:25,130
Aha. Aha.
641
00:25:25,172 --> 00:25:28,679
"Let them eat cake!"
642
00:25:28,721 --> 00:25:30,140
Something like that.
643
00:25:30,182 --> 00:25:33,606
Yeah. "Off with their heads!
644
00:25:33,647 --> 00:25:39,325
Give me liberty or give me cake.
645
00:25:39,366 --> 00:25:43,083
Cake for them to eat
646
00:25:43,124 --> 00:25:46,337
without their heads,
647
00:25:46,339 --> 00:25:50,430
so they have no mouth
to eat it!"
648
00:25:51,517 --> 00:25:53,521
Even funnier the second time.
649
00:26:02,496 --> 00:26:05,377
No fucking way!
650
00:26:05,418 --> 00:26:06,588
Uh-hmm.
651
00:26:06,630 --> 00:26:08,759
You sleep in this thing?
652
00:26:08,801 --> 00:26:11,347
Well, before
blackout curtains, sure.
653
00:26:11,389 --> 00:26:14,646
It's mostly just for show now.
654
00:26:14,688 --> 00:26:18,569
A few extracurricular
activities.
655
00:26:18,571 --> 00:26:20,282
Thank you.
656
00:26:20,323 --> 00:26:21,785
Thank you so much.
657
00:26:21,827 --> 00:26:25,333
Of course. Hmm.
658
00:26:26,377 --> 00:26:29,256
You were amazing.
659
00:26:29,258 --> 00:26:32,557
- You were incredible.
- No. My pleasure.
660
00:26:34,686 --> 00:26:38,276
I'm gonna take it
those aren't your aunts?
661
00:26:38,318 --> 00:26:39,696
- Oh.
- What?
662
00:26:39,738 --> 00:26:42,326
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, man, I'm good.
663
00:26:42,367 --> 00:26:43,680
- Okay.
- Unless you put something
664
00:26:43,704 --> 00:26:44,789
in this.
You put something?
665
00:26:44,831 --> 00:26:46,334
No, no.
666
00:26:46,375 --> 00:26:48,756
You want to make
this a Cosbypolitan?
667
00:26:48,797 --> 00:26:50,760
- No. Thank you.
- Thank you.
668
00:26:50,801 --> 00:26:53,599
I had heard you might need
an opener for this week.
669
00:26:53,641 --> 00:26:55,811
From who?
670
00:26:55,853 --> 00:26:58,609
- Chuck.
- Chuck?
671
00:26:58,651 --> 00:27:00,947
- Fuck Chuck!
- He may have mentioned it.
672
00:27:00,988 --> 00:27:04,579
And let me say, if you take me,
673
00:27:04,621 --> 00:27:08,837
I will drive and I will pay
for every expense.
674
00:27:08,879 --> 00:27:12,887
- What?
- I'll pay for everything.
675
00:27:12,929 --> 00:27:15,014
- Booze?
- Yes.
676
00:27:15,016 --> 00:27:17,981
- Gas?
- Yes.
677
00:27:18,022 --> 00:27:20,277
Viagra?
678
00:27:20,318 --> 00:27:22,489
If you need it.
679
00:27:22,532 --> 00:27:24,534
Anal beads?
680
00:27:24,536 --> 00:27:25,955
I don't know where to get those,
681
00:27:25,997 --> 00:27:28,040
but I'll give you cash.
682
00:27:28,042 --> 00:27:29,754
All right.
683
00:27:29,796 --> 00:27:33,050
How about this,
on top of all the expenses,
684
00:27:33,052 --> 00:27:36,475
you can also keep all the money
I will get paid for opening
685
00:27:36,518 --> 00:27:38,522
as well as an additional 3,000
686
00:27:38,564 --> 00:27:41,862
on top for the opportunity?
687
00:27:41,903 --> 00:27:43,866
What do you say?
688
00:27:43,907 --> 00:27:46,078
Why?
689
00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:49,043
Money is fleeting, Pete.
690
00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:51,047
Comedy isn't.
691
00:27:51,088 --> 00:27:55,639
And I want to learn
from the best, you.
692
00:27:57,643 --> 00:27:59,731
Well, I'd be an asshole
if I said no.
693
00:27:59,773 --> 00:28:01,108
Yes.
694
00:28:01,150 --> 00:28:02,945
Oh, thank you,
695
00:28:02,987 --> 00:28:04,614
I am but your humble servant.
696
00:28:04,616 --> 00:28:06,785
Ha! Servant.
697
00:28:06,787 --> 00:28:09,122
Servant! You said it, Renfield.
698
00:28:09,124 --> 00:28:11,755
I was right,
that bottle of wine is on point.
699
00:28:11,797 --> 00:28:13,592
Touche.
700
00:28:13,634 --> 00:28:15,636
So, we're good?
701
00:28:15,638 --> 00:28:17,140
Yeah, we're good.
702
00:28:17,182 --> 00:28:19,771
- Wonderful.
- Let me tell you something.
703
00:28:20,856 --> 00:28:24,614
I'm not sucking your dick,
704
00:28:24,656 --> 00:28:25,991
and more importantly...
705
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:29,081
you're not sucking my dick.
706
00:28:31,670 --> 00:28:34,425
Look, just... I don't...
Just no dicks, okay?
707
00:28:34,466 --> 00:28:36,638
No dicks, okay?
708
00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:38,099
No touching tips.
709
00:28:38,141 --> 00:28:39,787
No, "Hey, show me yours,
I'll show you mine."
710
00:28:39,811 --> 00:28:43,902
It ain't fucking
summer camp, okay?
711
00:28:43,944 --> 00:28:45,698
Understood.
712
00:28:45,739 --> 00:28:48,411
To our dickless adventure.
713
00:28:51,835 --> 00:28:53,043
All right.
714
00:28:53,045 --> 00:28:54,924
Dude, you win.
715
00:28:54,966 --> 00:28:58,724
There's no way I would
ever agree to take him with me.
716
00:28:58,765 --> 00:29:01,020
Guy has a freaking coffin.
717
00:29:01,061 --> 00:29:04,736
I'm almost sure
that is mostly for show.
718
00:29:04,777 --> 00:29:06,236
How do you know that?
719
00:29:06,238 --> 00:29:09,579
Hmm, because
he told me with his words, Pete.
720
00:29:09,621 --> 00:29:12,250
You got to cut out
this jealousy bullshit.
721
00:29:12,292 --> 00:29:14,087
I'm not jealous.
722
00:29:14,129 --> 00:29:15,232
But you're still
my girlfriend, right,
723
00:29:15,256 --> 00:29:16,925
or did I miss that memo?
724
00:29:16,927 --> 00:29:19,056
- Girlfriend. Right.
- [Pete] Yeah, girlfriend.
725
00:29:19,097 --> 00:29:21,520
Hmm, more like pit stop
when you drift into town
726
00:29:21,561 --> 00:29:24,526
- every six weeks.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
727
00:29:24,567 --> 00:29:27,907
- Come on.
- [Stephanie] No. You come on.
728
00:29:27,949 --> 00:29:29,619
Honey, you're always
on the road,
729
00:29:29,661 --> 00:29:31,139
which I understand,
but you barely even text me
730
00:29:31,163 --> 00:29:32,792
in between spells of inebriation
731
00:29:32,833 --> 00:29:34,253
and hangover,
732
00:29:34,294 --> 00:29:36,048
which is a very small window,
by the way.
733
00:29:36,090 --> 00:29:38,971
Okay. First of all,
like my thumbs get tired, okay?
734
00:29:39,012 --> 00:29:42,018
Second of all,
I lose battery power.
735
00:29:42,060 --> 00:29:44,147
And third of all,
that's just not true.
736
00:29:44,189 --> 00:29:46,110
It's abso-fucking-lutely true.
737
00:29:46,151 --> 00:29:47,738
Oh, and irrelevant.
738
00:29:47,780 --> 00:29:49,701
Ethan is my friend.
Period.
739
00:29:49,742 --> 00:29:52,328
He's a good guy and I want you
to get to know him.
740
00:29:52,330 --> 00:29:54,251
He's your friend?
741
00:29:56,715 --> 00:29:58,175
Why?
742
00:29:58,217 --> 00:29:59,846
He's like 12.
743
00:29:59,887 --> 00:30:01,346
Ew!
744
00:30:01,348 --> 00:30:03,311
Epstein much?
745
00:30:04,897 --> 00:30:06,356
[Stephanie] Okay.
Well, that 12-year-old
746
00:30:06,358 --> 00:30:07,945
is wise beyond his years
747
00:30:07,987 --> 00:30:09,616
and you could learn
a thing or two.
748
00:30:09,657 --> 00:30:13,037
Like what,
how to hang upside down?
749
00:30:13,039 --> 00:30:15,251
Stop being a titty-baby
and look in the mirror.
750
00:30:15,293 --> 00:30:18,007
-No.
Yes.
751
00:30:18,049 --> 00:30:19,820
- I don't wanna.
- [Stephanie] Look in the mirror.
752
00:30:19,844 --> 00:30:21,657
- [Pete] You can't make me.
- Look in the mirror, Pete.
753
00:30:21,681 --> 00:30:23,892
All right. I'll look.
I'll look.
754
00:30:23,894 --> 00:30:25,271
Jesus Christ.
755
00:30:25,313 --> 00:30:28,695
Ethan is you
when you first started,
756
00:30:28,737 --> 00:30:30,198
when you were hungry
and thirsty,
757
00:30:30,239 --> 00:30:33,410
and willing to sacrifice
anything for a laugh.
758
00:30:33,412 --> 00:30:35,375
Do you even remember that, Pete?
759
00:30:35,416 --> 00:30:37,418
Yeah.
760
00:30:37,420 --> 00:30:40,886
Because that "anything"
became me.
761
00:30:44,267 --> 00:30:45,436
I'm sorry.
762
00:30:46,940 --> 00:30:48,335
I don't know what happened
all these years,
763
00:30:48,359 --> 00:30:50,444
you know, just chasing a laugh.
764
00:30:50,446 --> 00:30:51,950
But I never ever lost...
765
00:30:51,991 --> 00:30:54,413
Lost sight of me. Yeah.
766
00:30:59,297 --> 00:31:01,968
How'd you know
I was gonna say that?
767
00:31:01,970 --> 00:31:03,073
[Stephanie] Because I know
you better
768
00:31:03,097 --> 00:31:05,101
than you know yourself.
769
00:31:05,143 --> 00:31:07,732
But, of course, you seem
to have forgotten that.
770
00:31:10,529 --> 00:31:12,155
No. I just... look.
771
00:31:12,157 --> 00:31:13,325
But just...
772
00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:22,093
you haven't been the same
since Charlie.
773
00:31:22,135 --> 00:31:24,012
But I promised you,
I would always be there
774
00:31:24,014 --> 00:31:27,061
for you and here I am.
775
00:31:27,103 --> 00:31:30,151
But it's pretty clear that...
776
00:31:30,193 --> 00:31:33,199
the old Pete isn't coming back.
777
00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:34,867
But that's okay.
778
00:31:34,869 --> 00:31:36,790
Maybe this is a chance
at a new beginning.
779
00:31:38,543 --> 00:31:40,964
You need this, Pete.
780
00:31:41,006 --> 00:31:42,383
We both do.
781
00:31:46,141 --> 00:31:48,895
Or maybe you just need someone
to keep tabs on me?
782
00:31:48,897 --> 00:31:51,193
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me right now?
783
00:31:51,235 --> 00:31:52,877
- [Pete] What?
- You don't think I'm aware
784
00:31:52,905 --> 00:31:54,907
of the D-grade slags
that cling onto you
785
00:31:54,909 --> 00:31:58,290
in between truck stop towns
and dingy-ass dive bars.
786
00:31:58,332 --> 00:32:00,919
Hold on. D?
787
00:32:00,921 --> 00:32:03,844
D, like double D.
788
00:32:03,885 --> 00:32:06,516
Okay. What?
I can't help who talks to me.
789
00:32:06,558 --> 00:32:08,352
- What do you want from me?
- I don't know.
790
00:32:08,394 --> 00:32:10,040
But maybe I'll find the answer
in your phone.
791
00:32:10,064 --> 00:32:11,860
Maybe if I peruse
through your text,
792
00:32:11,901 --> 00:32:13,989
I'm gonna find a bunch
of late-night conspicuous
793
00:32:14,030 --> 00:32:16,116
belfies from your harlot
fan club.
794
00:32:16,118 --> 00:32:18,205
What's a belfie?
795
00:32:18,247 --> 00:32:20,293
It's a butt selfie. Come on.
796
00:32:20,334 --> 00:32:21,627
Get on it, grandpa.
797
00:32:21,629 --> 00:32:23,173
I don't know. I'm...
798
00:32:23,215 --> 00:32:25,094
That's besides the point, okay?
799
00:32:25,136 --> 00:32:27,473
My loyalty only goes so far.
800
00:32:28,977 --> 00:32:30,311
You know what?
Fine. Whatever.
801
00:32:30,313 --> 00:32:31,900
I'll take him, okay?
802
00:32:31,941 --> 00:32:32,983
I don't have time for this.
803
00:32:32,985 --> 00:32:34,404
Good.
804
00:32:35,657 --> 00:32:38,327
You know what?
It's right there.
805
00:32:38,329 --> 00:32:39,624
- Knock yourself out.
- I will.
806
00:32:39,665 --> 00:32:41,335
- I have to pack.
- Okay.
807
00:32:41,376 --> 00:32:43,047
- Have fun.
- I will.
808
00:32:43,088 --> 00:32:44,172
- Go for it.
- Great.
809
00:32:44,174 --> 00:32:45,176
- Yeah.
- Fun times.
810
00:32:45,217 --> 00:32:46,930
- Enjoy yourself.
- Uh-hmm.
811
00:32:46,971 --> 00:32:49,225
- Good convo.
- Yeah. Thanks.
812
00:32:49,267 --> 00:32:51,355
[cell phone vibrates]
813
00:32:59,747 --> 00:33:02,043
You got so lucky.
814
00:33:03,546 --> 00:33:05,341
Hello?
815
00:33:05,383 --> 00:33:09,140
Oh, hey, Roy.
816
00:33:09,182 --> 00:33:11,478
Sounding extra
manly today, dude.
817
00:33:11,521 --> 00:33:14,150
What's up?
818
00:33:14,192 --> 00:33:15,546
No. I don't wanna play
a strip club.
819
00:33:15,570 --> 00:33:17,533
That's disgusting.
820
00:33:17,574 --> 00:33:19,578
Do you have any more man gigs?
821
00:33:19,620 --> 00:33:24,252
Do you have any bachelor-er
parties, but all dudes?
822
00:33:24,254 --> 00:33:26,216
[Stephanie] We get it.
823
00:33:26,258 --> 00:33:29,431
What?
Perhaps an old folk's home?
824
00:33:29,472 --> 00:33:33,103
- [Stephanie] Die!
- That'd be fantastic.
825
00:33:33,105 --> 00:33:34,608
[singer] ♪ Here we go
At the top ♪
826
00:33:34,650 --> 00:33:36,779
♪ Of the class honor roll ♪
827
00:33:36,821 --> 00:33:38,240
♪ And it's time to run it up ♪
828
00:33:38,282 --> 00:33:40,244
♪ Yeah, you know ♪
829
00:33:40,286 --> 00:33:42,415
♪ Maxed out, put the pedal
To the floor, ey ♪
830
00:33:42,457 --> 00:33:44,335
♪ On a roll, here we go,
Here we go ♪
831
00:33:44,377 --> 00:33:47,050
♪ Yeah, we winning
By a landslide ♪
832
00:33:47,091 --> 00:33:49,803
♪ Never see me coming,
I'm a landmine, yeah ♪
833
00:33:49,805 --> 00:33:53,310
♪ I ain't taking orders
In command, like, yeah ♪
834
00:33:53,312 --> 00:33:56,109
- [Pete] You fart?
- [Ethan] Vampires don't fart.
835
00:33:56,151 --> 00:33:58,322
[Pete] Then you're a werewolf
because I smell a fart.
836
00:34:06,421 --> 00:34:09,135
Welcome to East Bumfuck,
Nevada, kid.
837
00:34:09,177 --> 00:34:11,724
ZIP code EIEIO.
838
00:34:11,766 --> 00:34:14,686
Where incest is a gym credit.
839
00:34:14,688 --> 00:34:17,358
- That's funny.
- I know.
840
00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:19,657
- Are you going to use that?
- No.
841
00:34:21,451 --> 00:34:23,540
[Ethan] There are holes
in the walls.
842
00:34:23,581 --> 00:34:25,376
[Pete] Bullet or glory?
843
00:34:25,417 --> 00:34:27,296
[Ethan] I'm afraid to ask.
844
00:34:27,338 --> 00:34:32,265
I often sympathize with,
uh, female reproductive system
845
00:34:32,306 --> 00:34:35,895
as I myself am late
for everything.
846
00:34:35,897 --> 00:34:37,818
I mean, I once joined
a Doomsday Cult.
847
00:34:37,860 --> 00:34:40,657
By the time I got there,
everybody was dead.
848
00:34:40,699 --> 00:34:44,247
And worse, out of Kool-Aid.
849
00:34:45,374 --> 00:34:47,229
They should've saved
some Kool-Aid for that one, huh?
850
00:34:47,253 --> 00:34:48,338
[laughter]
851
00:34:48,380 --> 00:34:49,925
What's that?
852
00:34:49,967 --> 00:34:53,600
- Nothing.
- No. You said something,
cowboy.
853
00:34:55,562 --> 00:34:58,192
I said they should've saved
some Kool-Aid for you
854
00:34:58,233 --> 00:35:00,487
'cause you are out of jokes...
855
00:35:00,530 --> 00:35:02,448
- [crowd] Ooh.
- ...cowgirl.
856
00:35:02,450 --> 00:35:07,669
This coming from the mayor
of Nevada Incest
857
00:35:07,711 --> 00:35:12,428
Bumfuck EIEEO Cornhole?
858
00:35:12,470 --> 00:35:14,892
- Next!
- [man] Whoa.
859
00:35:14,934 --> 00:35:17,313
I knew I'd catch something
in here.
860
00:35:19,442 --> 00:35:20,904
[Pete] Guys, I gotta tell you.
861
00:35:20,946 --> 00:35:22,822
This is like
the Radio City Music Hall
862
00:35:22,824 --> 00:35:24,662
of strip club gigs.
I gotta tell you.
863
00:35:25,830 --> 00:35:30,548
Uh, we have open mike
night here, uh, Wednesday.
864
00:35:30,590 --> 00:35:32,594
Ladies, is it open leg night?
865
00:35:34,305 --> 00:35:36,519
You know, some of these jokes
work better with teeth.
866
00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:37,938
You guys remember teeth?
867
00:35:37,980 --> 00:35:39,856
[laughs]
868
00:35:39,858 --> 00:35:42,361
Let's give one more round
of applause for the, uh,
869
00:35:42,363 --> 00:35:44,535
train wreck that is Ethan Barr.
870
00:35:46,329 --> 00:35:49,837
No. His job as opener
is to make me look better.
871
00:35:49,878 --> 00:35:52,381
And he knocked it out
of the park.
872
00:35:52,383 --> 00:35:54,888
He... right. He was...
873
00:35:57,602 --> 00:36:00,650
He killed that shit.
874
00:36:00,692 --> 00:36:03,781
Next week, you guys can see me
at a truck stop in Laughlin.
875
00:36:03,823 --> 00:36:05,910
I'll be playing
a parking structure in Reno.
876
00:36:05,952 --> 00:36:09,500
I'm Pete Brennan.
Goodnight!
877
00:36:09,543 --> 00:36:13,758
[crowd cheering]
878
00:36:13,760 --> 00:36:15,429
[man] Whoo!
879
00:36:15,471 --> 00:36:16,640
[singer] ♪ [indistinct] ♪
880
00:36:16,682 --> 00:36:18,811
♪ Show that money click ♪
881
00:36:18,853 --> 00:36:21,859
♪ Since she got it,
Make that money click ♪
882
00:36:21,901 --> 00:36:24,698
♪ [indistinct] ♪
883
00:36:24,740 --> 00:36:27,451
♪ All I got is money
On my mind ♪
884
00:36:27,453 --> 00:36:29,374
♪ Dedicate this [indistinct] ♪
885
00:36:29,415 --> 00:36:31,378
Sorry about heckling
y'all earlier.
886
00:36:31,419 --> 00:36:33,129
Thought maybe it should help.
887
00:36:33,131 --> 00:36:36,137
Guess what, it never helps.
888
00:36:36,179 --> 00:36:37,933
Well, let me buy you a drink.
889
00:36:37,974 --> 00:36:40,605
Guess what, that always helps.
890
00:36:40,647 --> 00:36:42,526
All right
891
00:36:42,567 --> 00:36:44,822
[speaking foreign language]
Please. Everybody.
892
00:36:44,863 --> 00:36:47,159
What did he say?
893
00:36:47,201 --> 00:36:48,621
Uh, I'm gonna be right back.
894
00:36:51,167 --> 00:36:53,714
Never say, "I'll be right back."
895
00:36:53,756 --> 00:36:56,008
I'm just going to splash
some water on my face.
896
00:36:56,010 --> 00:36:58,641
Uh, ladies' room is that way.
897
00:36:58,683 --> 00:37:01,522
We don't have one of
those non-gender ones,
898
00:37:01,564 --> 00:37:03,526
you'll just have to make do.
899
00:37:05,572 --> 00:37:08,703
Your young fella there
seems a bit touched.
900
00:37:08,744 --> 00:37:10,538
Where did you find him?
901
00:37:10,540 --> 00:37:12,752
He was a keynote speaker
at a flat-earth convention.
902
00:37:16,217 --> 00:37:17,888
- [laughs]
- Oh!
903
00:37:17,929 --> 00:37:19,516
You had us going there.
904
00:37:19,558 --> 00:37:22,564
Ah? Ah?
905
00:37:22,606 --> 00:37:24,735
Ain't that right?
906
00:37:24,776 --> 00:37:27,072
[laughs]
907
00:37:27,114 --> 00:37:29,953
Yeah, I'm gonna go check
on the young buck.
908
00:37:29,995 --> 00:37:32,082
You said the ladies' room
was that way?
909
00:37:32,124 --> 00:37:35,172
That, see,
he's the funny one for sure.
910
00:37:35,214 --> 00:37:38,136
- I try. I try.
- Don't get lost.
911
00:37:38,178 --> 00:37:40,558
Is that on your tab, Billy Ray?
912
00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:42,269
[Billy Ray] Hell no.
Separate bills.
913
00:37:42,311 --> 00:37:44,566
But they pay for both.
914
00:37:50,620 --> 00:37:52,289
What the fuck are you doing?
915
00:37:52,331 --> 00:37:53,960
[Ethan] It's just blood, Pete.
916
00:37:54,001 --> 00:37:56,172
Can you quit
the fucking vampire routine.
917
00:37:56,214 --> 00:37:59,220
It's not a routine.
It's a necessity.
918
00:37:59,262 --> 00:38:00,972
Don't worry.
I don't need any of yours.
919
00:38:00,974 --> 00:38:02,976
Okay. I may be
a little bit buzzed, okay?
920
00:38:02,978 --> 00:38:06,150
But I'm not a dickhead.
Look, look, look.
921
00:38:06,192 --> 00:38:07,922
If you're a vampire,
how come you have a reflection?
922
00:38:07,946 --> 00:38:09,950
Because that's a myth.
923
00:38:09,992 --> 00:38:11,954
Like garlic
or a stake through the heart,
924
00:38:11,996 --> 00:38:13,248
that would kill anybody.
925
00:38:13,290 --> 00:38:14,331
Well, how have I been outside
with you
926
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:16,004
in the sun like three times?
927
00:38:16,045 --> 00:38:19,093
I just can't be in direct
sunlight for very long.
928
00:38:19,135 --> 00:38:22,308
Pete, I have a very rare
condition called Porphyria.
929
00:38:22,349 --> 00:38:24,686
It affects my hemoglobin
if I don't inject.
930
00:38:24,688 --> 00:38:26,375
- Okay. I'm done. Stop. Stop.
- Pete, listen to me.
931
00:38:26,399 --> 00:38:28,194
No. You listen to me, okay?
932
00:38:28,236 --> 00:38:30,617
I know I'm not one to give
life advice, all right?
933
00:38:30,658 --> 00:38:32,787
I drink too much.
I eat like shit.
934
00:38:32,829 --> 00:38:34,875
I haven't worn a condom
since 1992.
935
00:38:34,916 --> 00:38:36,085
But heroin...
936
00:38:36,127 --> 00:38:38,381
I told you, it's blood.
937
00:38:38,423 --> 00:38:41,137
I know people that I loved
938
00:38:41,179 --> 00:38:43,391
who died on that shit, man.
939
00:38:43,433 --> 00:38:45,895
Brilliant comedians.
And it crushed me.
940
00:38:45,897 --> 00:38:49,070
You think I wanna deal and watch
your open mike ass croak?
941
00:38:49,111 --> 00:38:51,072
And you think for goddamn sure
942
00:38:51,074 --> 00:38:54,038
I don't wanna call your parents
that you OD'd on my watch?
943
00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:56,669
You won't have to report
to anyone.
944
00:38:56,710 --> 00:38:58,296
I never knew my father.
945
00:38:58,338 --> 00:39:01,929
And as you've been told,
my mother was behead in 1621.
946
00:39:01,970 --> 00:39:05,770
Oh, my God.
Your generation is so weird.
947
00:39:05,812 --> 00:39:07,772
Look, I give you credit, okay?
948
00:39:07,774 --> 00:39:10,088
You didn't demand a separate
bathroom 'cause you "identify"
949
00:39:10,112 --> 00:39:12,742
as a vampire, but come...
950
00:39:12,784 --> 00:39:14,955
Give me a fuckin' break, bro.
951
00:39:26,812 --> 00:39:28,356
What the fuck?
952
00:39:28,398 --> 00:39:30,360
Don't worry.
953
00:39:30,402 --> 00:39:32,322
I would never bite you, Pete.
954
00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:35,830
I got to quit drinking.
955
00:39:37,332 --> 00:39:39,462
That's not a bad idea.
956
00:39:42,301 --> 00:39:43,763
Whoa.
957
00:39:43,804 --> 00:39:45,474
I'm not interrupting some kind
958
00:39:45,516 --> 00:39:47,854
of Brokeback Mountain moment,
am I?
959
00:39:47,896 --> 00:39:50,858
[laughing]
960
00:39:50,860 --> 00:39:54,031
You mind while I unwind?
961
00:39:54,033 --> 00:39:56,872
It's that big.
962
00:39:56,914 --> 00:39:58,876
I got to lay off pills.
963
00:40:00,378 --> 00:40:02,090
I might eat him.
964
00:40:02,132 --> 00:40:03,176
[Billy Ray] What?
965
00:40:08,186 --> 00:40:09,480
Morning, morning, morning.
966
00:40:09,523 --> 00:40:11,527
Hello, hello, hello.
I'm Carrie.
967
00:40:11,568 --> 00:40:14,071
I'm the producer of
Minky & Connie in the Morning.
968
00:40:14,073 --> 00:40:15,408
I'm guessing
by those droopy eyes
969
00:40:15,450 --> 00:40:16,954
you must be
our whacky comedians?
970
00:40:16,995 --> 00:40:18,580
Busted.
971
00:40:18,582 --> 00:40:20,377
You totally forgot
the Visine, bro.
972
00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:22,549
[chuckles] See? I can already
tell you're funny.
973
00:40:22,590 --> 00:40:25,847
Now, if I can just have you fill
out these forms, please.
974
00:40:25,888 --> 00:40:27,598
What's this?
975
00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:29,268
Just a little background info
with lead-ins for your skits.
976
00:40:29,270 --> 00:40:30,938
You don't have
to write the whole joke out,
977
00:40:30,940 --> 00:40:32,608
just an idea
of what you're gonna say.
978
00:40:32,610 --> 00:40:34,549
Think of it like doing panel
for a late night talk show.
979
00:40:34,573 --> 00:40:36,492
- Carrie, is it?
- Uh-hmm.
980
00:40:36,535 --> 00:40:38,496
- You're new here?
- Uh-uh.
981
00:40:38,539 --> 00:40:42,129
We find it's better
just to be spontaneous.
982
00:40:42,170 --> 00:40:43,632
Pete, is it?
983
00:40:43,674 --> 00:40:46,178
We find that,
because you're on a D-List tour,
984
00:40:46,220 --> 00:40:49,101
you D-List comedians
consider this a D-List station.
985
00:40:49,143 --> 00:40:51,145
Guess what, it's not.
986
00:40:51,147 --> 00:40:53,401
We stream nationally
online and satellite radio.
987
00:40:53,443 --> 00:40:56,909
I'm well-aware that organic
comedy generally works better.
988
00:40:56,950 --> 00:40:58,913
However, most comics
come in here hung over
989
00:40:58,954 --> 00:41:00,642
whining about why they have
to do radio at 6:00 a.m.
990
00:41:00,666 --> 00:41:02,437
when the show they're plugging
isn't until 9:00 p.m.
991
00:41:02,461 --> 00:41:04,925
And it's true, most people
listening this morning
992
00:41:04,966 --> 00:41:06,342
probably won't go tonight.
993
00:41:06,344 --> 00:41:08,139
But we have
such a loyal fan base,
994
00:41:08,181 --> 00:41:09,935
they might just follow you
on social media.
995
00:41:09,976 --> 00:41:12,064
Get your ten followers up.
996
00:41:12,105 --> 00:41:14,358
Or perhaps they just enjoy
watching clips of old cisgender
997
00:41:14,360 --> 00:41:15,696
white male wash-up comedians,
998
00:41:15,738 --> 00:41:18,284
vagina-shaming hotel clerks.
Okay?
999
00:41:19,370 --> 00:41:21,040
Who are you?
1000
00:41:22,167 --> 00:41:24,088
It was a joke.
1001
00:41:24,129 --> 00:41:26,217
Hmm, I saw.
So funny, I forgot to laugh.
1002
00:41:26,258 --> 00:41:28,262
Anyhoo, I can tell you that
1003
00:41:28,304 --> 00:41:30,433
last week's guests
were hilarious.
1004
00:41:30,475 --> 00:41:32,394
So, I highly suggest
you bring your "A-game" today.
1005
00:41:32,396 --> 00:41:33,563
Understood?
1006
00:41:33,565 --> 00:41:35,233
Okay. Good talks.
1007
00:41:35,235 --> 00:41:37,030
I'll give you a minute
to fill out your form,
1008
00:41:37,072 --> 00:41:39,010
and then I'll come back to bring
you guys into the studio.
1009
00:41:39,034 --> 00:41:40,663
Okay? Okay.
1010
00:41:40,705 --> 00:41:42,082
Done?
1011
00:41:43,544 --> 00:41:45,422
Why, thank you.
1012
00:41:47,300 --> 00:41:48,428
[chuckles]
1013
00:42:01,830 --> 00:42:04,043
What's a blue waffle?
1014
00:42:11,098 --> 00:42:12,474
All right. They'll be ready
for you after the break.
1015
00:42:12,476 --> 00:42:14,229
If you guys will just follow me.
1016
00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:17,484
Thank you.
1017
00:42:17,486 --> 00:42:20,659
Hmm. No. Uh-uh. Nope.
1018
00:42:22,580 --> 00:42:24,584
Ugh.
1019
00:42:24,626 --> 00:42:27,339
[Ethan] Seriously,
what makes it blue?
1020
00:42:30,261 --> 00:42:32,307
Okay. When that light goes off,
we're good to go.
1021
00:42:32,349 --> 00:42:36,315
Ready? In three, two, one.
1022
00:42:36,357 --> 00:42:37,819
- Good timing.
- Oh, thank you.
1023
00:42:37,860 --> 00:42:39,531
Not bad for a newbie, huh?
1024
00:42:39,572 --> 00:42:41,173
Your father owns the station,
doesn't he?
1025
00:42:41,200 --> 00:42:42,787
How's your hairline?
1026
00:42:47,672 --> 00:42:49,383
[man]
Remember when getting away...
1027
00:42:49,424 --> 00:42:51,226
[Minky] Hey, guys.
Take a seat. Give me a sec.
1028
00:42:51,262 --> 00:42:52,825
[man] ...the family
and hitting the road?
1029
00:42:52,849 --> 00:42:54,369
So, we're back in 30.
We're gonna do a quick wrap
1030
00:42:54,393 --> 00:42:55,894
then we'll bring you guys on,
1031
00:42:55,896 --> 00:42:58,442
take a few phone calls,
give away a few tickets.
1032
00:42:58,484 --> 00:43:01,448
You guys will be back
in bed before sunrise.
1033
00:43:01,490 --> 00:43:04,747
Oh, all right.
Oh, that shit was good.
1034
00:43:04,789 --> 00:43:06,585
Those are your cans right there.
1035
00:43:06,626 --> 00:43:08,355
Put them on and make sure
you get really close to the mic
1036
00:43:08,379 --> 00:43:09,755
like it's a big old
"you know what".
1037
00:43:09,757 --> 00:43:12,595
[man] [indistinct]
1038
00:43:12,597 --> 00:43:14,433
- [man] Hey, folks.
- [Minky] Hey, folks.
1039
00:43:14,474 --> 00:43:16,395
Welcome back to
Minky & Connie in the Morning
1040
00:43:16,437 --> 00:43:18,940
where we put
the Big O back in KBLO.
1041
00:43:18,942 --> 00:43:21,363
[Connie] All right. Who knows
that better than you, Minky?
1042
00:43:21,405 --> 00:43:22,742
[Minky] Hey-oh.
1043
00:43:22,783 --> 00:43:24,621
It's 6:06 this dreary
Tuesday morning.
1044
00:43:24,662 --> 00:43:25,891
But here to bring some sunshine,
1045
00:43:25,915 --> 00:43:27,710
we're talking to the comics
1046
00:43:27,752 --> 00:43:29,629
who are gonna be performing
tonight at the Rusty Nail.
1047
00:43:29,631 --> 00:43:31,633
[Connie] Pete Brennan
and Ethan Barr.
1048
00:43:31,635 --> 00:43:34,389
- Hey-oh.
- Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.
1049
00:43:34,431 --> 00:43:35,807
How are you boys
doing this morning?
1050
00:43:35,809 --> 00:43:37,645
Uh, peachy.
1051
00:43:37,647 --> 00:43:41,278
Just... yeah, we're not
as caffeinated as you guys.
1052
00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:42,865
You did cocaine.
1053
00:43:42,907 --> 00:43:44,953
[tape screeches]
1054
00:43:44,994 --> 00:43:46,247
That's hysterical!
1055
00:43:46,288 --> 00:43:47,708
[laughing] They got jokes.
1056
00:43:47,750 --> 00:43:49,391
- That is so funny.
- You said it, Connie.
1057
00:43:49,419 --> 00:43:51,298
Now, Pete,
it says here you're originally
1058
00:43:51,340 --> 00:43:53,403
from Pittsburg and have appeared
on The Tonight Show?
1059
00:43:53,427 --> 00:43:54,889
That's right. Yeah. I...
1060
00:43:54,931 --> 00:43:57,016
I loved that show
when Johnny Carson was the host.
1061
00:43:57,018 --> 00:43:58,647
He was the best,
then Dave Letterman.
1062
00:43:58,689 --> 00:44:00,022
I miss Dave. Uh,
1063
00:44:00,024 --> 00:44:01,736
have you seen
his new interview shows?
1064
00:44:01,778 --> 00:44:03,382
[Minky] I have it cued up
and I haven't had a chance
1065
00:44:03,406 --> 00:44:04,699
to watch it yet.
I'm still finishing up Ozark.
1066
00:44:04,701 --> 00:44:07,036
Shut up.
I just binged that last week.
1067
00:44:07,038 --> 00:44:08,583
Don't spoil it, Connie.
1068
00:44:08,625 --> 00:44:09,794
Well, I... hmm.
1069
00:44:09,836 --> 00:44:12,548
So Pete, what's your skit like?
1070
00:44:12,550 --> 00:44:14,887
Well, I do mix of character.
I do political...
1071
00:44:14,929 --> 00:44:16,808
It says... wait, wait.
It says here
1072
00:44:16,850 --> 00:44:18,412
you have a really good joke
about you losing your luggage
1073
00:44:18,436 --> 00:44:20,040
on the way here?
What the hell is that about?
1074
00:44:20,064 --> 00:44:22,066
- Man, I hate when that happens!
- Doesn't everyone?
1075
00:44:22,068 --> 00:44:25,408
Especially Pete because,
y'all, he drove.
1076
00:44:25,450 --> 00:44:28,039
Oh. Pete,
I gotta hear that joke.
1077
00:44:28,080 --> 00:44:29,414
Do the joke.
1078
00:44:29,416 --> 00:44:30,627
Do it. Do the joke.
1079
00:44:30,669 --> 00:44:32,757
Um, you just did.
1080
00:44:32,798 --> 00:44:34,301
She told you the punchline.
1081
00:44:35,888 --> 00:44:37,432
Right.
1082
00:44:37,474 --> 00:44:38,643
Ethan.
1083
00:44:38,685 --> 00:44:40,063
I am loving this whole
1084
00:44:40,104 --> 00:44:42,568
"emo" thing you have going on.
Hmm.
1085
00:44:42,610 --> 00:44:46,576
Baby, I could just eat
that ass up.
1086
00:44:46,618 --> 00:44:49,498
- Well, I am a vampire.
- I know, right?
1087
00:44:49,540 --> 00:44:51,687
Especially with these late
hours, it sure feels that way.
1088
00:44:51,711 --> 00:44:53,548
I know. We should
just wrap this up
1089
00:44:53,590 --> 00:44:54,884
before the sun comes up, right?
1090
00:44:54,926 --> 00:44:56,805
Actually, that's a myth.
1091
00:44:56,846 --> 00:44:58,391
We can be on the sun just like...
1092
00:44:58,432 --> 00:44:59,852
Favorite vampire movie, I say
1093
00:44:59,894 --> 00:45:01,397
Dracula: Dead & Loving It.
1094
00:45:01,438 --> 00:45:02,981
Ooh. All my nieces got me sucked
1095
00:45:02,983 --> 00:45:04,529
into the whole Twilight craze.
1096
00:45:04,570 --> 00:45:05,906
"Sucked" being
the operative word
1097
00:45:05,948 --> 00:45:07,535
as those films
certainly did suck.
1098
00:45:08,912 --> 00:45:10,162
He's a comedian now.
1099
00:45:10,164 --> 00:45:11,666
Look at that, Minky.
1100
00:45:11,668 --> 00:45:12,837
See? It's not so hard.
1101
00:45:12,878 --> 00:45:14,966
You can do it.
Good job.
1102
00:45:15,007 --> 00:45:17,513
So Ethan, back to us.
1103
00:45:17,555 --> 00:45:19,767
So, since you're part
of that whole undead family,
1104
00:45:19,809 --> 00:45:21,980
which you're so freakin' sexy,
1105
00:45:22,021 --> 00:45:25,153
what is your favorite
vampire movie, hmm?
1106
00:45:25,194 --> 00:45:26,863
Well, you see, the problem is,
1107
00:45:26,865 --> 00:45:30,121
they aren't usually
historically accurate.
1108
00:45:30,163 --> 00:45:32,083
- But I suppose Blade is...
- Come on.
1109
00:45:32,125 --> 00:45:33,837
Interview with the Vampire,
they nailed it.
1110
00:45:33,879 --> 00:45:36,047
- Yeah.
- They didn't.
1111
00:45:36,049 --> 00:45:38,597
Uh, Tom Cruise
and Brad Pitt? Dream team!
1112
00:45:38,638 --> 00:45:39,825
And that little girl,
what was her name?
1113
00:45:39,849 --> 00:45:41,519
I don't know. She like
1114
00:45:41,561 --> 00:45:43,565
screwed Spiderman or something,
like, dirt, dust.
1115
00:45:43,607 --> 00:45:45,232
- Kirsten Durst.
- Ey, ey, ey, ey, ey.
1116
00:45:45,234 --> 00:45:46,903
You... look, you cheated, Minky.
1117
00:45:46,905 --> 00:45:48,867
It's Kirsten Dunst.
1118
00:45:48,909 --> 00:45:50,075
I was looking up something else.
1119
00:45:50,077 --> 00:45:51,623
Oh, now you're gonna lie?
1120
00:45:51,664 --> 00:45:52,809
You're gonna lie to the people.
1121
00:45:52,833 --> 00:45:54,545
Okay. If you think Minky lied,
1122
00:45:54,587 --> 00:45:56,268
I want you to tell us
on Twitter right now.
1123
00:45:56,298 --> 00:45:58,512
All right. Thank you so much,
Pete and Ethan.
1124
00:45:58,553 --> 00:45:59,823
I appreciate
y'all for being here.
1125
00:45:59,847 --> 00:46:01,225
Or as they should
call themselves,
1126
00:46:01,266 --> 00:46:03,688
the comedy duo
of A-bat and Costello.
1127
00:46:03,730 --> 00:46:06,235
[laughing] Good one, yeah.
1128
00:46:06,276 --> 00:46:08,072
Coming up after the break,
1129
00:46:08,113 --> 00:46:09,742
we're gonna open up
the phone lines
1130
00:46:09,784 --> 00:46:11,304
and we're gonna be talking
to the sexy girls
1131
00:46:11,328 --> 00:46:12,974
from the Rabbit Ranch
who are gonna be showing up
1132
00:46:12,998 --> 00:46:15,671
to test out some new
"adult products".
1133
00:46:15,712 --> 00:46:18,131
Ooh, my kind of talk show.
1134
00:46:18,133 --> 00:46:20,096
All right.
You don't wanna miss that.
1135
00:46:20,137 --> 00:46:22,975
And if anyone wants some
free tickets to tonight's show,
1136
00:46:22,977 --> 00:46:25,774
I want you to hashtag
Ethan is a Vampire.
1137
00:46:25,816 --> 00:46:27,653
Also, #MinkyLies.
1138
00:46:27,695 --> 00:46:29,949
[Minky] We'll be back in five.
1139
00:46:29,991 --> 00:46:31,869
Oh.
1140
00:46:31,911 --> 00:46:34,141
That was great, guys. You're
the best segment we've ever had.
1141
00:46:34,165 --> 00:46:35,877
I really appreciate
you guys being here.
1142
00:46:35,919 --> 00:46:37,169
[Minky] You guys did
really well. Thank you so much
1143
00:46:37,171 --> 00:46:38,734
for stopping by.
That was wonderful work.
1144
00:46:38,758 --> 00:46:41,679
Yeah. I'm just so fucking
high right now.
1145
00:46:41,681 --> 00:46:44,685
Can someone punch me
in the face?
1146
00:46:44,687 --> 00:46:46,106
Just punch me square
in the face.
1147
00:46:46,148 --> 00:46:47,191
No, Pete. Why?
1148
00:46:47,233 --> 00:46:48,987
You wanna do a shot?
1149
00:46:49,029 --> 00:46:50,866
I gotta go to my chiropractor
this afternoon.
1150
00:46:50,907 --> 00:46:52,911
[Connie] You're such a square.
1151
00:46:52,953 --> 00:46:55,124
Fuck it. [sniffles]
1152
00:46:55,166 --> 00:46:57,711
All right. Come on in.
We're so excited to have you.
1153
00:46:57,713 --> 00:46:59,800
Just go with it
and be spontaneous.
1154
00:46:59,842 --> 00:47:01,846
We found it works
so much better that way, okay?
1155
00:47:01,888 --> 00:47:03,388
Okay.
1156
00:47:03,390 --> 00:47:04,892
[singer]
♪ When I'm entering the convo ♪
1157
00:47:04,894 --> 00:47:05,894
[Minky] Hey, hey, hey.
Good morning.
1158
00:47:05,896 --> 00:47:07,731
How are you guys?
1159
00:47:07,733 --> 00:47:09,904
You sit over there [indistinct]
1160
00:47:09,945 --> 00:47:11,323
Does that girl
have a bag of dicks?
1161
00:47:11,365 --> 00:47:12,618
Uh-hmm.
1162
00:47:13,912 --> 00:47:15,331
That's my career.
1163
00:47:15,373 --> 00:47:17,293
My career has been following
a bag of dicks.
1164
00:47:17,335 --> 00:47:18,838
That's just where I'm at.
1165
00:47:20,383 --> 00:47:22,259
Wow.
1166
00:47:22,261 --> 00:47:24,140
That, um...
1167
00:47:24,182 --> 00:47:28,105
Ethan's a Vampire hashtag
has over a thousand retweets.
1168
00:47:28,107 --> 00:47:29,401
Huh.
1169
00:47:29,442 --> 00:47:31,279
You're trending in Area 51.
1170
00:47:31,321 --> 00:47:33,281
Embrace it.
1171
00:47:33,283 --> 00:47:34,829
How so?
1172
00:47:34,870 --> 00:47:36,287
I don't know.
1173
00:47:36,289 --> 00:47:39,087
I haven't quite
figured you out yet,
1174
00:47:39,129 --> 00:47:41,799
but you seem to be all-in
with this whole vampire thing.
1175
00:47:41,801 --> 00:47:44,139
So, I think
you should just run with it.
1176
00:47:44,180 --> 00:47:46,393
I am a vampire, Pete.
1177
00:47:46,435 --> 00:47:50,736
See? Now I believe
you believe that, which is good.
1178
00:47:50,777 --> 00:47:52,948
It takes comics years
to find their voice.
1179
00:47:52,990 --> 00:47:54,825
You did it in a few months.
1180
00:47:54,827 --> 00:47:56,204
[sighs]
1181
00:47:56,246 --> 00:47:58,752
I'm sorry.
I... I... I don't follow.
1182
00:47:58,793 --> 00:48:00,337
Look.
1183
00:48:00,379 --> 00:48:02,341
I know my place
in this business, okay?
1184
00:48:02,383 --> 00:48:04,095
I'm a cisgender
1185
00:48:04,137 --> 00:48:07,936
white male piece of shit, okay?
1186
00:48:07,978 --> 00:48:11,318
There's millions
of "mes" out there, okay?
1187
00:48:11,359 --> 00:48:12,988
It's a different ballgame today.
1188
00:48:13,030 --> 00:48:14,784
It's not just
about being funny anymore.
1189
00:48:14,825 --> 00:48:16,387
It's about how many
social media followers you have,
1190
00:48:16,411 --> 00:48:18,205
what box do you check
1191
00:48:18,207 --> 00:48:19,960
or about a gimmick.
1192
00:48:20,002 --> 00:48:23,091
You know, like that
thumb trick thing you do.
1193
00:48:23,133 --> 00:48:25,221
Oh, yes.
1194
00:48:25,262 --> 00:48:28,310
My Grandma Liz
taught me many, um,
1195
00:48:28,352 --> 00:48:30,356
"tricks" when I was younger.
1196
00:48:30,397 --> 00:48:34,197
So good. I would exploit
the shit out of that if I could.
1197
00:48:34,239 --> 00:48:36,911
Instead I was too busy
trying to be a comic's comic.
1198
00:48:38,205 --> 00:48:41,546
What's a "comic's comic?"
1199
00:48:41,587 --> 00:48:43,923
It's when all the comedians
stop talking in the back
1200
00:48:43,925 --> 00:48:45,386
of the room and they stop
1201
00:48:45,427 --> 00:48:48,599
to watch your set
and they study you.
1202
00:48:48,601 --> 00:48:50,564
It's the ultimate
form of flattery.
1203
00:48:50,605 --> 00:48:52,860
And how do you get that?
1204
00:48:52,901 --> 00:48:56,074
Truth, fearlessness, and time.
1205
00:48:56,116 --> 00:48:58,161
Time is overrated.
1206
00:48:58,203 --> 00:49:00,917
Sure, when you don't
appreciate it.
1207
00:49:00,959 --> 00:49:03,380
I did the same thing
when I was your age.
1208
00:49:03,422 --> 00:49:05,467
But time is precious.
1209
00:49:05,510 --> 00:49:08,015
You can never get it back.
1210
00:49:08,056 --> 00:49:09,641
I know.
1211
00:49:09,643 --> 00:49:12,900
I literally have all the time
in the world.
1212
00:49:12,941 --> 00:49:15,487
I spent 200 years
learning the harpsichord.
1213
00:49:15,530 --> 00:49:17,991
By the time I perfected it,
1214
00:49:17,993 --> 00:49:19,997
baroque music was obsolete.
1215
00:49:22,001 --> 00:49:25,049
Ha! Ha! See?
Now that's funny, dude.
1216
00:49:25,090 --> 00:49:26,510
Come on.
1217
00:49:26,552 --> 00:49:29,015
Why don't you do that
on stage tonight?
1218
00:49:29,057 --> 00:49:31,061
Look, when you go
up there tonight,
1219
00:49:31,102 --> 00:49:34,190
I want you to be you.
1220
00:49:34,192 --> 00:49:37,198
And if you suck, at least,
you'll be sucking as yourself.
1221
00:49:37,239 --> 00:49:38,701
Can you try... ah!
1222
00:49:38,743 --> 00:49:41,414
- Watch your feet!
- Son of a cock!
1223
00:49:41,456 --> 00:49:43,126
Hey, hand me that mop bucket
over there.
1224
00:49:43,168 --> 00:49:45,715
Some fuckwad puked
all over the damn place.
1225
00:49:49,097 --> 00:49:50,432
Thanks.
1226
00:49:50,474 --> 00:49:51,519
Got it.
1227
00:49:54,065 --> 00:49:55,610
Oh, God.
1228
00:49:58,323 --> 00:50:00,285
[scoffs]
1229
00:50:00,327 --> 00:50:02,248
Living the dream, dude.
1230
00:50:03,375 --> 00:50:04,712
This what you want, Ethan?
1231
00:50:08,427 --> 00:50:10,095
Absolutely.
1232
00:50:10,097 --> 00:50:13,103
And she's why
they call it beheading.
1233
00:50:13,145 --> 00:50:15,065
[laughter]
1234
00:50:15,107 --> 00:50:16,777
[bartender] Hey.
1235
00:50:16,819 --> 00:50:18,445
Hey.
1236
00:50:18,447 --> 00:50:21,117
Hey, you know this place
is haunted, right?
1237
00:50:21,119 --> 00:50:22,789
No, I'll just have a beer.
1238
00:50:22,831 --> 00:50:26,046
And it was actually
the entire fist.
1239
00:50:26,087 --> 00:50:29,343
[crowd] Boo!
1240
00:50:29,385 --> 00:50:31,640
Is it always this rowdy here?
1241
00:50:31,682 --> 00:50:33,477
Oh, God, no.
Not mostly.
1242
00:50:33,519 --> 00:50:35,147
But see, most of these folks,
1243
00:50:35,189 --> 00:50:36,710
they heard y'all on the radio
this morning.
1244
00:50:36,734 --> 00:50:38,318
So, uh, well,
1245
00:50:38,320 --> 00:50:40,407
they cannot see the undead.
1246
00:50:40,449 --> 00:50:42,660
No, I'm alive, okay?
1247
00:50:42,662 --> 00:50:44,373
I don't know
what the hell he is.
1248
00:50:44,415 --> 00:50:48,090
Hmm, may I take your pulse
to confirm that?
1249
00:50:48,131 --> 00:50:50,804
[crowd] Vampire! Vampire!
1250
00:50:50,845 --> 00:50:52,849
Vampire! Vampire!
1251
00:50:52,891 --> 00:50:55,145
Vampire! Vampire!
1252
00:50:55,187 --> 00:50:56,607
[Heckler 1] Vampire!
1253
00:50:56,649 --> 00:50:58,318
I'm sorry, what's that you say?
1254
00:50:58,360 --> 00:51:02,409
- [crowd] Vampire!
- Ah, yes,
1255
00:51:02,451 --> 00:51:04,623
vampires,
1256
00:51:04,665 --> 00:51:09,465
the immortal creatures
of both mystery and myth.
1257
00:51:18,275 --> 00:51:21,615
[cheers and applause]
1258
00:51:24,746 --> 00:51:26,667
Hey, bite me!
1259
00:51:26,709 --> 00:51:28,588
You aren't worthy of my powers.
1260
00:51:30,215 --> 00:51:31,760
Then suck my dick!
1261
00:51:31,802 --> 00:51:33,556
My friend,
1262
00:51:33,598 --> 00:51:35,643
there isn't enough blood
in that tiny thing
1263
00:51:35,685 --> 00:51:37,396
to keep me alive for an hour.
1264
00:51:37,438 --> 00:51:39,860
Say that to his face, ya pussy!
1265
00:51:39,902 --> 00:51:44,450
Technically,
I just did, but okay...
1266
00:51:44,452 --> 00:51:46,206
Jesus, fuck!
1267
00:51:47,333 --> 00:51:48,544
[bartender] Hell did he go?
1268
00:51:50,798 --> 00:51:52,510
- Shh!
- What the fuck?
1269
00:51:53,679 --> 00:51:56,351
[man groaning]
1270
00:51:58,648 --> 00:52:01,236
[woman screaming]
1271
00:52:05,494 --> 00:52:06,872
Is that mirrors?
Is that mirrors?
1272
00:52:06,914 --> 00:52:08,375
- You got mirrors in there?
- No!
1273
00:52:08,416 --> 00:52:10,755
That a special effect?
1274
00:52:10,797 --> 00:52:13,844
- [crowd] Whoa.
- [applause]
1275
00:52:17,644 --> 00:52:19,313
Ladies and gentlemen,
1276
00:52:19,355 --> 00:52:21,025
you have been delicious.
1277
00:52:21,067 --> 00:52:22,904
Thank you.
1278
00:52:22,946 --> 00:52:25,576
[cheers and applause]
1279
00:52:28,541 --> 00:52:30,878
Oh, if he broke that,
he's fucking paying for it.
1280
00:52:30,920 --> 00:52:32,674
Are you kidding me?
1281
00:52:32,716 --> 00:52:35,304
Oh, my God.
1282
00:52:35,345 --> 00:52:37,349
I don't even know
where to begin.
1283
00:52:37,391 --> 00:52:39,020
Do you believe me now?
1284
00:52:39,061 --> 00:52:40,563
How can I not?
1285
00:52:40,565 --> 00:52:42,067
I mean, the coffin is eccentric
1286
00:52:42,109 --> 00:52:43,904
but explainable. Okay?
1287
00:52:43,946 --> 00:52:45,783
The, the glowing eyes, contacts,
1288
00:52:45,825 --> 00:52:47,996
the teeth, fake,
the shooting blood,
1289
00:52:48,038 --> 00:52:51,417
it's an odd lifestyle choice
but hey, it's Vegas.
1290
00:52:51,419 --> 00:52:54,885
But dude, you turned
into a bat, man.
1291
00:52:54,926 --> 00:52:56,928
A fucking bat!
1292
00:52:56,930 --> 00:52:59,936
Pete, I never tried
to hide this from you.
1293
00:52:59,978 --> 00:53:02,066
I know but
I thought you were, like,
1294
00:53:02,107 --> 00:53:04,445
method acting or trying
to find your own identity.
1295
00:53:04,487 --> 00:53:05,841
Never in a million years
that I'd think
1296
00:53:05,865 --> 00:53:06,992
this stuff is actually real.
1297
00:53:07,034 --> 00:53:08,786
I'm sorry.
1298
00:53:08,788 --> 00:53:10,956
Perhaps I should've made
this clear before we left.
1299
00:53:10,958 --> 00:53:13,672
Wait, so do you... do you just
go around biting people?
1300
00:53:13,714 --> 00:53:16,595
No, God, how barbaric.
1301
00:53:16,637 --> 00:53:19,100
I had to give that up
in the '80s.
1302
00:53:19,141 --> 00:53:21,730
I almost bit Freddy Mercury.
1303
00:53:21,772 --> 00:53:23,984
- Dude, that's a close call.
- I know.
1304
00:53:24,026 --> 00:53:27,992
But I do still need
to feast off of fresh blood.
1305
00:53:28,034 --> 00:53:29,716
But now I just get it
from a friend of mine
1306
00:53:29,746 --> 00:53:32,459
who works at the hospital.
1307
00:53:32,501 --> 00:53:34,004
Okay.
Wait, start from the beginning.
1308
00:53:34,046 --> 00:53:36,467
Okay. I need to know
everything, details.
1309
00:53:36,510 --> 00:53:38,177
Gladly.
1310
00:53:38,179 --> 00:53:40,014
Well, for starters,
1311
00:53:40,016 --> 00:53:43,856
my grandmother was the infamous
Elizabeth Bathory,
1312
00:53:43,858 --> 00:53:45,820
a Countess who believed
1313
00:53:45,862 --> 00:53:47,824
she could retain her youth
by drinking
1314
00:53:47,866 --> 00:53:50,580
and bathing in the blood
of young girls.
1315
00:53:50,621 --> 00:53:53,040
You see, at the time, the life
expectancy...
1316
00:53:53,042 --> 00:53:55,213
All clear. Everyone's gone
1317
00:53:55,255 --> 00:53:58,470
except for a, uh, couple
of chicks who wanna meet you.
1318
00:53:58,512 --> 00:53:59,598
Are they hot?
1319
00:53:59,639 --> 00:54:01,643
Ridiculously hot,
1320
00:54:01,685 --> 00:54:03,480
but not you.
1321
00:54:03,522 --> 00:54:04,608
Vamp.
1322
00:54:06,027 --> 00:54:08,070
I don't even care
about chicks right now, dude.
1323
00:54:08,072 --> 00:54:09,908
He just turned to a bat.
Did you see that shit?
1324
00:54:09,910 --> 00:54:11,914
Yeah, it's fine.
It's no Jeff Dunham.
1325
00:54:11,955 --> 00:54:13,667
And I got bats in the attic.
1326
00:54:16,757 --> 00:54:18,134
Have you seen Jeff Dunham?
1327
00:54:18,176 --> 00:54:20,556
His act is phenomenal.
1328
00:54:20,598 --> 00:54:22,100
Dude, I love Dunham.
1329
00:54:22,142 --> 00:54:23,771
But he didn't turn to a bat.
1330
00:54:23,812 --> 00:54:26,106
Dunham doesn't have a bat.
1331
00:54:26,108 --> 00:54:28,238
May I present to you
1332
00:54:28,279 --> 00:54:31,035
the exquisite Ms. Scarlett Drake
1333
00:54:31,077 --> 00:54:33,791
and Madame Darah.
1334
00:54:33,832 --> 00:54:37,047
If you'll excuse me,
I have to go mop up some puke.
1335
00:54:37,089 --> 00:54:38,592
Hi.
1336
00:54:38,634 --> 00:54:41,932
- Hey.
- Hi.
1337
00:54:41,974 --> 00:54:44,061
You were semi-funny.
1338
00:54:44,103 --> 00:54:45,940
You don't need to curse so much.
1339
00:54:45,982 --> 00:54:47,192
Appreciate the tip.
1340
00:54:48,612 --> 00:54:50,240
Pleasure to make
your acquaintances.
1341
00:54:50,282 --> 00:54:53,872
Ethan, you look
exactly the same.
1342
00:54:53,914 --> 00:54:56,878
I'm sorry, have we met?
1343
00:54:58,006 --> 00:55:00,174
- So...
- No.
1344
00:55:00,176 --> 00:55:02,345
Okay.
1345
00:55:02,347 --> 00:55:04,184
I'll just let you kids
get reacquainted
1346
00:55:04,226 --> 00:55:06,688
and I'm going to light
myself on fire.
1347
00:55:06,690 --> 00:55:08,736
I'll bring the matches.
1348
00:55:10,740 --> 00:55:12,827
Does this ring a bell?
1349
00:55:12,869 --> 00:55:15,708
[moaning]
1350
00:55:17,169 --> 00:55:19,089
Prague.
1351
00:55:19,131 --> 00:55:20,381
Chantel.
1352
00:55:20,383 --> 00:55:21,718
You were the model
1353
00:55:21,720 --> 00:55:23,724
for the Goddess Victoria statue.
1354
00:55:25,268 --> 00:55:26,938
Oh, my goodness.
1355
00:55:31,280 --> 00:55:34,244
How could I ever forget that?
1356
00:55:34,286 --> 00:55:35,748
I don't know.
1357
00:55:35,790 --> 00:55:37,835
I am enthralled
to see you again.
1358
00:55:39,046 --> 00:55:40,758
And I am loving your new name.
1359
00:55:42,302 --> 00:55:44,181
What are you doing here?
1360
00:55:46,018 --> 00:55:47,354
You see this shit?
1361
00:55:47,396 --> 00:55:49,106
I'm the headliner.
1362
00:55:49,108 --> 00:55:50,861
What's he got that I don't got?
1363
00:55:50,903 --> 00:55:52,990
Two women, apparently.
1364
00:55:54,159 --> 00:55:56,288
You trying to make it three?
1365
00:55:56,330 --> 00:55:57,917
Maybe.
1366
00:55:57,959 --> 00:55:59,294
Okay.
1367
00:56:01,006 --> 00:56:03,469
I podcast,
I'm a social media influencer,
1368
00:56:03,512 --> 00:56:05,473
I dabble in fashion.
1369
00:56:05,516 --> 00:56:07,812
Hot. [chuckles]
1370
00:56:07,854 --> 00:56:09,814
[laughs]
1371
00:56:09,816 --> 00:56:11,110
What's that smell?
1372
00:56:11,152 --> 00:56:13,782
Oh, perfect timing!
1373
00:56:13,824 --> 00:56:16,913
You know what?
We should take a group photo.
1374
00:56:16,955 --> 00:56:18,876
- Yes.
- Do you mind?
1375
00:56:20,504 --> 00:56:22,007
Sure.
1376
00:56:22,048 --> 00:56:24,094
Ladies.
1377
00:56:24,136 --> 00:56:26,140
Okay.
1378
00:56:26,182 --> 00:56:30,106
Closer, closer, work it.
1379
00:56:30,148 --> 00:56:32,444
You got to hit them angle.
1380
00:56:32,486 --> 00:56:35,366
Okay. Ready? And...
1381
00:56:42,339 --> 00:56:44,051
see you at the hotel, Ethan.
1382
00:56:44,092 --> 00:56:45,930
And, uh, I'll try to cut out
1383
00:56:45,971 --> 00:56:48,392
the fucking swear words
out of my fucking act.
1384
00:56:52,025 --> 00:56:54,112
He turned into a bat,
1385
00:56:54,154 --> 00:56:55,906
an actual bat.
1386
00:56:55,908 --> 00:56:57,576
I'm losing my freaking mind.
1387
00:56:57,578 --> 00:57:00,081
Between the early 1600s
mommy issues
1388
00:57:00,083 --> 00:57:02,418
and that coffin thing,
I mean, I've had my suspicions.
1389
00:57:02,420 --> 00:57:04,132
What?
1390
00:57:04,174 --> 00:57:05,926
And you never said anything?
1391
00:57:05,928 --> 00:57:07,574
Do you have any idea
how crazy that sounds?
1392
00:57:07,598 --> 00:57:09,432
I know, but at least you could
have told me something.
1393
00:57:09,434 --> 00:57:10,980
Now, this whole
thing's gonna blow up.
1394
00:57:11,021 --> 00:57:12,148
It's gonna be a shit show
1395
00:57:12,190 --> 00:57:14,027
and I don't know where I'm at.
1396
00:57:14,069 --> 00:57:16,490
Whoa, I wasn't aware
I was your vampire riddler.
1397
00:57:16,533 --> 00:57:18,620
- Okay.
- Vampire.
1398
00:57:23,045 --> 00:57:26,466
[Stephanie]
Honey, what are you looking at?
1399
00:57:26,468 --> 00:57:29,391
What? Oh, vampire research.
1400
00:57:29,433 --> 00:57:32,063
- Okay. And what do...
- Wow.
1401
00:57:32,105 --> 00:57:33,482
...you hope to accomplish?
1402
00:57:33,525 --> 00:57:35,529
I'm getting deep into vampire
1403
00:57:35,571 --> 00:57:38,660
lingerie...
Lore, lore, linge-lore.
1404
00:57:38,702 --> 00:57:40,539
Linge-lore. What?
1405
00:57:40,581 --> 00:57:43,668
Okay. Well, that's my time.
1406
00:57:43,670 --> 00:57:45,609
- You've been a great...
- No, no, no, don't hang up.
1407
00:57:45,633 --> 00:57:47,511
Come on, honey, no.
1408
00:57:47,553 --> 00:57:49,324
[Stephanie] No, no, no,
you seem a little distracted
1409
00:57:49,348 --> 00:57:51,350
and I need to get
this shit off my face
1410
00:57:51,352 --> 00:57:53,397
- because it's starting to burn.
- No, I love you
1411
00:57:53,439 --> 00:57:54,668
- with shit on your face.
- Bye.
1412
00:57:54,692 --> 00:57:56,529
I love your shitty face.
1413
00:57:56,571 --> 00:57:58,617
Don't hang up.
1414
00:58:01,539 --> 00:58:04,169
Operation Fake Out complete.
1415
00:58:06,256 --> 00:58:08,010
Oh, my God.
1416
00:58:13,563 --> 00:58:14,607
Wait.
1417
00:58:16,318 --> 00:58:19,282
- Hmm?
- If we cross this threshold,
1418
00:58:19,324 --> 00:58:21,203
there's no going back.
1419
00:58:21,245 --> 00:58:22,581
Okay.
1420
00:58:29,261 --> 00:58:30,447
[Scarlett]
Hey, gang, it's Scarlett,
1421
00:58:30,471 --> 00:58:32,350
your favorite sexy podcaster.
1422
00:58:32,392 --> 00:58:34,354
Let's get back to Fia.
1423
00:58:34,396 --> 00:58:36,275
Lastly, Fia, before we go,
1424
00:58:36,316 --> 00:58:39,156
what are the pitfalls
of your gift as a medium?
1425
00:58:39,197 --> 00:58:42,078
Yeah. That's a good choice,
a good one.
1426
00:58:42,120 --> 00:58:45,460
As a medium, I have to always
deliver the messages.
1427
00:58:45,501 --> 00:58:48,130
Sometimes it's very tough
for people
1428
00:58:48,132 --> 00:58:51,180
to hear those messages
from their loved one.
1429
00:58:51,221 --> 00:58:52,639
[Scarlett]
Thank you, Fia, so much...
1430
00:58:52,641 --> 00:58:55,522
Wait. Do you hear me?
1431
00:58:55,564 --> 00:58:57,442
I have always heard you.
1432
00:58:57,484 --> 00:58:59,237
No.
1433
00:58:59,279 --> 00:59:03,538
You can reach me
on avid@voice.com.
1434
00:59:03,580 --> 00:59:06,502
[Scarlett]
This is Scarlett Drake.
1435
00:59:06,544 --> 00:59:09,257
He is really trolling you.
1436
00:59:09,299 --> 00:59:11,596
What a surprise.
1437
00:59:11,638 --> 00:59:13,683
Let's have some fun with him.
1438
00:59:13,725 --> 00:59:15,852
Yes.
1439
00:59:15,854 --> 00:59:18,858
[singer] ♪ Got a big plan,
This mindset maybe it's right ♪
1440
00:59:18,860 --> 00:59:21,115
♪ At the right place
And right time ♪
1441
00:59:21,156 --> 00:59:23,200
♪ Maybe tonight
And the whisper ♪
1442
00:59:23,202 --> 00:59:25,204
♪ Or handshake sending a sign ♪
1443
00:59:25,206 --> 00:59:27,293
♪ Wanna make out and kiss hard ♪
1444
00:59:27,335 --> 00:59:30,551
♪ Wait never mind,
Late night, and passing... ♪
1445
00:59:30,592 --> 00:59:33,264
Oh, Pete, you're missing out!
1446
00:59:36,646 --> 00:59:38,775
- Fuck.
- [singer] ♪ When she walked in ♪
1447
00:59:38,817 --> 00:59:40,904
♪ He froze up,
Believe it's the fright ♪
1448
00:59:40,946 --> 00:59:44,579
♪ It's cute in a way,
Till you cannot speak ♪
1449
00:59:44,620 --> 00:59:47,333
- Oh, fuck!
- ♪ Your knees get weak ♪
1450
00:59:47,375 --> 00:59:50,339
♪ An escape is just a nod
And a casual wave ♪
1451
00:59:50,381 --> 00:59:52,511
♪ Obsessed about it,
Heavy for... ♪
1452
00:59:52,553 --> 00:59:56,811
- Oh, God!
- Vampire. Vampire. Vampire.
1453
00:59:56,853 --> 00:59:59,272
Are they saying
"Let's go play" in there?
1454
00:59:59,274 --> 01:00:01,236
Oh, God, yes!
1455
01:00:01,278 --> 01:00:04,783
Oh, yeah, harder! Oh!
1456
01:00:04,785 --> 01:00:06,748
Fuck!
1457
01:00:06,789 --> 01:00:09,545
[singer]
♪ I want to hold you close... ♪
1458
01:00:09,587 --> 01:00:11,883
I'm the headliner!
1459
01:00:12,843 --> 01:00:15,974
[singer] ♪ Lie still,
And close your eyes girl ♪
1460
01:00:16,016 --> 01:00:19,356
♪ So lovely, it feels so right ♪
1461
01:00:19,397 --> 01:00:22,947
- ♪ I wanna hold you close... ♪
- You owe me, Ethan!
1462
01:00:28,708 --> 01:00:32,257
[Darah gasp, moans]
1463
01:00:37,350 --> 01:00:38,728
[Scarlett] Come on.
1464
01:00:38,770 --> 01:00:40,356
For old times' sake.
1465
01:00:40,398 --> 01:00:42,903
Bite me, Ethan, please.
1466
01:00:42,945 --> 01:00:44,824
I want you to.
1467
01:00:44,865 --> 01:00:47,871
[upbeat music playing]
1468
01:00:56,471 --> 01:00:57,808
[Darah moans]
1469
01:01:01,816 --> 01:01:04,864
[upbeat music continues]
1470
01:01:10,709 --> 01:01:12,755
[knocks on door]
1471
01:01:17,598 --> 01:01:18,808
[Ethan] Can I come in?
1472
01:01:18,850 --> 01:01:20,100
No!
1473
01:01:20,102 --> 01:01:21,438
Good morning, sir.
1474
01:01:21,480 --> 01:01:22,939
Jesus.
1475
01:01:22,941 --> 01:01:24,779
You got to stop doing that shit.
1476
01:01:24,820 --> 01:01:27,576
I'm sorry. I thought
since now that you knew
1477
01:01:27,618 --> 01:01:29,622
I could... be myself.
1478
01:01:32,085 --> 01:01:33,546
Good job last night.
1479
01:01:33,588 --> 01:01:34,965
You're viral.
1480
01:01:35,007 --> 01:01:36,967
Thank you, Pete.
1481
01:01:36,969 --> 01:01:38,640
God, it felt good.
1482
01:01:38,681 --> 01:01:40,142
I just did what you said.
1483
01:01:40,184 --> 01:01:43,482
And I was really myself
up there.
1484
01:01:43,525 --> 01:01:46,029
Where are your
little girlfriends at now?
1485
01:01:46,071 --> 01:01:47,533
They've left.
1486
01:01:49,160 --> 01:01:52,666
Sad. Seems like they have
a really good way with words
1487
01:01:52,668 --> 01:01:54,168
and they got great personalities
1488
01:01:54,170 --> 01:01:56,551
and probably amazing
business acumen.
1489
01:01:56,592 --> 01:01:58,470
[Ethan] Yes. Well,
1490
01:01:58,513 --> 01:02:01,936
let's just say I remember
why I'd forgotten.
1491
01:02:01,978 --> 01:02:04,149
Then why did you just
have a fucking fuck fest
1492
01:02:04,190 --> 01:02:05,443
all night, dude?
1493
01:02:05,484 --> 01:02:06,946
[chuckles softly]
1494
01:02:08,533 --> 01:02:11,871
Probably for the same
reasons we go to open mics,
1495
01:02:11,873 --> 01:02:13,960
to try new things.
1496
01:02:14,002 --> 01:02:16,883
How about you bite me?
1497
01:02:16,924 --> 01:02:18,845
Would you ever consider that?
1498
01:02:18,887 --> 01:02:20,473
I wanna try new things.
1499
01:02:20,515 --> 01:02:22,644
I would never bite you, Pete.
1500
01:02:23,646 --> 01:02:25,525
Scared of competition?
1501
01:02:25,567 --> 01:02:26,611
[Ethan chuckles]
1502
01:02:29,282 --> 01:02:30,744
Competition?
1503
01:02:30,785 --> 01:02:33,246
Pete, I'm already up 2-0.
1504
01:02:33,248 --> 01:02:36,463
[upbeat music playing]
1505
01:02:51,201 --> 01:02:52,913
They say, what do men do know
1506
01:02:52,955 --> 01:02:54,750
[indistinct] sweatpants
for guys,
1507
01:02:54,792 --> 01:02:56,796
they put writing
on the front, you know?
1508
01:02:56,837 --> 01:02:58,633
It just said, "dinner,"
1509
01:02:59,718 --> 01:03:01,639
[laughter]
1510
01:03:01,681 --> 01:03:03,267
"the other white meat."
1511
01:03:03,308 --> 01:03:05,187
[laughter]
1512
01:03:08,110 --> 01:03:09,655
[Carrot Top] I got to go.
1513
01:03:09,697 --> 01:03:12,659
Oh, oh. Dude, you're amazing.
1514
01:03:12,661 --> 01:03:14,163
- Me?
- Yeah.
1515
01:03:14,205 --> 01:03:15,959
Mr. Top, I'm such a fan.
1516
01:03:16,001 --> 01:03:17,295
Thanks. Carrot.
1517
01:03:17,336 --> 01:03:18,840
Just Scott,
actually that was weird.
1518
01:03:18,881 --> 01:03:21,177
Scott,
the pleasure was all mine.
1519
01:03:21,219 --> 01:03:23,098
If you need a headliner, dude,
1520
01:03:23,140 --> 01:03:25,812
I'm right here six nights a week
at the Luxor,
1521
01:03:25,854 --> 01:03:27,899
great gig, every night,
boom, in and out,
1522
01:03:27,941 --> 01:03:29,903
sleep in your own bed,
somebody else's bed,
1523
01:03:29,945 --> 01:03:31,991
but you're here in town,
it's great, seriously.
1524
01:03:32,033 --> 01:03:33,868
Then mull it over,
think about it.
1525
01:03:33,870 --> 01:03:36,834
It's tempting. Do you have
a card that I can maybe...
1526
01:03:36,876 --> 01:03:38,880
A card? No, I don't think
comics carry cards.
1527
01:03:38,921 --> 01:03:41,719
Do you have a card?
That'd be weird.
1528
01:03:41,761 --> 01:03:42,947
Uh, DM,
is that what they call it?
1529
01:03:42,971 --> 01:03:44,388
- Direct messaging.
- Yeah.
1530
01:03:44,390 --> 01:03:45,703
I'll give you mine,
you give me yours,
1531
01:03:45,727 --> 01:03:46,979
and you'll direct me back.
1532
01:03:47,021 --> 01:03:48,229
I'll follow you back.
1533
01:03:48,231 --> 01:03:49,902
Okay. We'll see.
1534
01:03:49,943 --> 01:03:52,239
Uh, I know
there's people ask you,
1535
01:03:52,281 --> 01:03:56,747
could you show me
that... the fire thumb?
1536
01:03:56,749 --> 01:03:58,878
Please, I won't share it
with anybody, I promise.
1537
01:03:58,920 --> 01:04:00,733
I... I don't have any friends
to share it with.
1538
01:04:00,757 --> 01:04:03,680
So, just... what the fuck?
1539
01:04:04,848 --> 01:04:06,727
It's really about timing.
1540
01:04:06,769 --> 01:04:08,313
I once jerked off lefty
1541
01:04:08,355 --> 01:04:09,940
and nearly burned
the entire thing off.
1542
01:04:09,942 --> 01:04:11,194
It's kinda hot.
1543
01:04:11,236 --> 01:04:12,823
Do you wanna touch it?
The thumb.
1544
01:04:12,864 --> 01:04:15,369
That was my... do, do, do.
Uh-hmm, uh-hmm.
1545
01:04:15,411 --> 01:04:17,956
- There we go.
- Jesus.
1546
01:04:17,958 --> 01:04:20,212
How the... how the fuck did...
1547
01:04:21,507 --> 01:04:23,970
Well, as we know,
magic isn't real.
1548
01:04:24,011 --> 01:04:26,015
- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.
1549
01:04:27,143 --> 01:04:29,478
Does the Carrot
match the drapes?
1550
01:04:29,480 --> 01:04:31,484
- I have no drapes.
- Ah.
1551
01:04:31,527 --> 01:04:33,155
Oh, yeah, too much information,
probably.
1552
01:04:33,196 --> 01:04:34,823
- Stained glass windows. Okay.
- Yeah.
1553
01:04:34,825 --> 01:04:36,327
You shared with me,
I share with you.
1554
01:04:36,369 --> 01:04:38,099
- Well, you look fantastic.
- Thank you. Thank you.
1555
01:04:38,123 --> 01:04:39,331
It's the lighting.
Hey, I'm gonna... I'm gonna go,
1556
01:04:39,333 --> 01:04:41,002
but, uh, thanks for chatting
1557
01:04:41,004 --> 01:04:42,482
and thanks for showing me
the, uh, thing.
1558
01:04:42,507 --> 01:04:44,762
- Sure.
- You're... dude, you're awesome.
1559
01:04:44,803 --> 01:04:47,014
- Thanks.
- You're awesome. DM me, fucker.
1560
01:04:47,016 --> 01:04:50,022
- I got you.
- Don't not fucking DM me.
1561
01:04:50,063 --> 01:04:51,483
I'm not going to DM.
1562
01:04:51,525 --> 01:04:54,740
[upbeat music playing]
1563
01:05:05,553 --> 01:05:07,889
[laughter]
1564
01:05:07,891 --> 01:05:10,020
[Ethan] If any of you ladies
would like to buy me
1565
01:05:10,062 --> 01:05:11,524
a drink after the show,
1566
01:05:11,565 --> 01:05:14,822
I'll have a Bloody Mary.
Hold the Mary.
1567
01:05:14,863 --> 01:05:17,451
[applause]
1568
01:05:17,493 --> 01:05:21,167
Thank you.
You all have been incredible.
1569
01:05:24,591 --> 01:05:26,469
Now, if you would,
1570
01:05:26,512 --> 01:05:28,599
please keep that round
of applause going
1571
01:05:28,641 --> 01:05:32,189
for the man who taught me
everything I know about comedy.
1572
01:05:32,231 --> 01:05:33,607
Mr. Pete Brennan.
1573
01:05:33,609 --> 01:05:36,866
[applause]
1574
01:05:37,993 --> 01:05:40,957
Thank you. Woo.
1575
01:05:40,999 --> 01:05:44,297
Thank you for that warm
round of indifference.
1576
01:05:44,338 --> 01:05:46,259
[laughs]
1577
01:05:46,301 --> 01:05:49,348
How about one more time
for Ethan Barr, huh?
1578
01:05:51,477 --> 01:05:55,485
The love child
of Bella and Nosferatu.
1579
01:05:55,528 --> 01:05:58,283
- Nosferatu.
- Nosferatu.
1580
01:05:58,325 --> 01:06:01,329
You've been around that long?
You know? Okay.
1581
01:06:01,331 --> 01:06:04,170
You know what they say,
we needs more dildos. Wow.
1582
01:06:04,211 --> 01:06:06,926
No wonder why they're trying
to ban straws. Jesus Christ.
1583
01:06:06,967 --> 01:06:08,689
These fish are gonna end up
with porn stars.
1584
01:06:08,721 --> 01:06:11,434
My God. I don't know
if you guys know this,
1585
01:06:11,476 --> 01:06:13,707
because they say it's good luck
for one of the bridesmaids
1586
01:06:13,731 --> 01:06:15,691
to sleep with the comedian
right after
1587
01:06:15,693 --> 01:06:17,948
the bachelorette party.
I'm just saying.
1588
01:06:17,989 --> 01:06:20,367
[Dozer] Any of them putas
will do you.
1589
01:06:20,369 --> 01:06:21,956
What... what was that, sir?
1590
01:06:21,997 --> 01:06:23,960
They're all a bunch
of dirty sluts.
1591
01:06:24,001 --> 01:06:25,377
- Look at 'em.
- [man] All right, Dozer.
1592
01:06:25,379 --> 01:06:26,966
It's time to go. Come on.
1593
01:06:27,007 --> 01:06:28,235
Sir, aren't you late
for your job
1594
01:06:28,259 --> 01:06:31,140
at the truck stop glory hole?
1595
01:06:31,182 --> 01:06:33,226
[Sarah] He's just pissed
'cause he got himself
1596
01:06:33,228 --> 01:06:34,606
- a little 'ol dick.
- Ooh.
1597
01:06:34,648 --> 01:06:37,152
Wait. Oh, ladies. Wait.
1598
01:06:37,194 --> 01:06:39,007
What don't you guys share that
with the crowd, what?
1599
01:06:39,031 --> 01:06:41,202
Well, there's not that much
to share.
1600
01:06:41,244 --> 01:06:43,415
Hold on. So you're saying
1601
01:06:43,456 --> 01:06:45,419
that his pee-pee...
1602
01:06:45,460 --> 01:06:48,759
[speaking foreign language]
1603
01:06:48,801 --> 01:06:51,598
All right, Dozer.
It's time to go. Come on.
1604
01:06:51,640 --> 01:06:53,433
[speaking foreign language]
1605
01:06:53,435 --> 01:06:54,664
Did you see what that puta
just said to me?
1606
01:06:54,688 --> 01:06:56,608
That shit ain't true.
1607
01:06:56,650 --> 01:06:58,319
Well, maybe so,
but you got to go.
1608
01:06:58,361 --> 01:06:59,698
It's every week.
1609
01:06:59,740 --> 01:07:01,451
It's the same damn thing
with you, man.
1610
01:07:01,492 --> 01:07:03,121
[speaking foreign language]
1611
01:07:03,163 --> 01:07:04,123
Sir, I don't know
why you're upset.
1612
01:07:04,165 --> 01:07:05,791
Don't get all hung up over this.
1613
01:07:05,793 --> 01:07:07,630
Oops. I said hung,
1614
01:07:07,672 --> 01:07:09,425
but I guess we all know
that's not the case.
1615
01:07:09,467 --> 01:07:11,345
You're fucking dead, funny man.
1616
01:07:11,387 --> 01:07:14,141
Oh, okay. Well, I'm dead,
but you're gone. So...
1617
01:07:14,143 --> 01:07:16,147
♪ Na, na, na, na... ♪
1618
01:07:16,189 --> 01:07:18,318
[all] ♪ Na, na, na, na ♪
1619
01:07:18,359 --> 01:07:20,615
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
1620
01:07:20,656 --> 01:07:22,491
- ♪ Little wee ♪
- ♪ Good bye ♪
1621
01:07:22,493 --> 01:07:24,246
[Dozer]
I'm gonna count to three.
1622
01:07:25,207 --> 01:07:27,629
Three, two...
1623
01:07:27,670 --> 01:07:29,171
Please don't do this.
1624
01:07:29,173 --> 01:07:30,593
- [gunshot]
- Whoa.
1625
01:07:30,635 --> 01:07:32,304
[groans]
1626
01:07:33,348 --> 01:07:34,601
That was a warning.
1627
01:07:36,855 --> 01:07:38,526
[Ethan] You missed.
1628
01:07:38,567 --> 01:07:41,197
[gunfire]
1629
01:07:42,282 --> 01:07:43,619
Ha!
1630
01:07:43,661 --> 01:07:46,792
[suspenseful music playing]
1631
01:08:24,618 --> 01:08:26,955
You guys better get out of here
and get out of here fast!
1632
01:08:26,997 --> 01:08:30,420
He's dead.
What about the cops?
1633
01:08:30,462 --> 01:08:32,550
Cops? Ain't gonna be
no cops, man.
1634
01:08:32,592 --> 01:08:35,430
This guy had it comin'.
Besides, who's gonna miss him?
1635
01:08:35,472 --> 01:08:38,269
It was self-defense, Dale.
You saw it.
1636
01:08:38,311 --> 01:08:40,440
I saw the whole doggone thing.
1637
01:08:40,482 --> 01:08:42,779
You guys wouldn't even hear it,
you're ghosts man.
1638
01:08:42,820 --> 01:08:44,622
Let me get a few of the guys
to come down here
1639
01:08:44,658 --> 01:08:46,578
and clean this mess up now.
1640
01:08:46,620 --> 01:08:48,414
You won't have to.
1641
01:08:52,339 --> 01:08:53,717
Are you bringing him back?
1642
01:08:53,759 --> 01:08:55,387
As if.
1643
01:09:08,831 --> 01:09:10,835
Do you have a leaf-blower?
1644
01:09:19,853 --> 01:09:22,063
I'll take that as a no.
1645
01:09:22,065 --> 01:09:23,944
We should go.
1646
01:09:23,986 --> 01:09:27,075
[dramatic music playing]
1647
01:09:27,117 --> 01:09:29,789
[singer vocalizing]
1648
01:10:02,020 --> 01:10:05,068
[dramatic music playing]
1649
01:10:10,746 --> 01:10:12,998
Bro, you...
1650
01:10:13,000 --> 01:10:14,879
you killed a guy.
1651
01:10:14,921 --> 01:10:16,048
I know.
1652
01:10:17,467 --> 01:10:18,679
And I'm sorry.
1653
01:10:20,223 --> 01:10:22,852
And drank his blood.
1654
01:10:22,854 --> 01:10:24,858
Again, I'm sorry
you had to see that.
1655
01:10:28,949 --> 01:10:31,705
Then you asked
for a leaf-blower?
1656
01:10:31,746 --> 01:10:34,001
What the hell? It's crazy.
1657
01:10:34,042 --> 01:10:36,172
Not... not... not because
he's Mexican.
1658
01:10:36,213 --> 01:10:38,009
The ash.
1659
01:10:38,050 --> 01:10:40,052
That's funny.
1660
01:10:40,054 --> 01:10:41,933
That's... that's... yeah, okay.
1661
01:10:41,975 --> 01:10:43,812
That's... that's good.
You can use that.
1662
01:10:45,566 --> 01:10:47,194
It's good instinct.
1663
01:10:47,235 --> 01:10:49,072
I learned from the best.
1664
01:10:50,743 --> 01:10:52,245
Thanks.
1665
01:10:52,287 --> 01:10:53,749
Wait a minute, can...
1666
01:10:55,084 --> 01:10:57,253
I got... I got
to ask you something.
1667
01:10:57,255 --> 01:10:59,552
- Of course. Anything.
- Okay.
1668
01:10:59,594 --> 01:11:02,096
I thought the rule was
if you got bit by a vampire,
1669
01:11:02,098 --> 01:11:03,936
then you turn into a vampire?
1670
01:11:03,977 --> 01:11:05,604
Not necessarily.
1671
01:11:05,606 --> 01:11:08,570
It's... it's quite complicated,
really.
1672
01:11:08,612 --> 01:11:11,950
But... I suppose
the short version
1673
01:11:11,952 --> 01:11:14,916
is that you could choose.
1674
01:11:14,958 --> 01:11:18,047
You can either turn someone
or you can let them die.
1675
01:11:20,761 --> 01:11:21,930
Let them die?
1676
01:11:21,972 --> 01:11:23,809
You disintegrated that guy.
1677
01:11:23,850 --> 01:11:25,813
Yeah.
1678
01:11:25,854 --> 01:11:27,274
He was an asshole.
1679
01:11:30,154 --> 01:11:34,162
Okay. Hypothetically speaking,
if you bit me,
1680
01:11:36,125 --> 01:11:37,837
could you choose
to make me immortal?
1681
01:11:43,014 --> 01:11:45,686
Hypothetically, yes.
1682
01:11:46,688 --> 01:11:49,692
But as I've told you,
I would never do that.
1683
01:11:49,694 --> 01:11:51,361
Well, hold on, dude,
we're not done.
1684
01:11:51,363 --> 01:11:53,242
- I told you.
- Why? We got to talk.
1685
01:11:53,284 --> 01:11:56,081
I did... hold on.
1686
01:12:00,089 --> 01:12:01,383
What if I wanted you to?
1687
01:12:01,425 --> 01:12:04,220
You don't. Trust me.
1688
01:12:04,222 --> 01:12:05,851
Why not?
1689
01:12:05,893 --> 01:12:07,688
What do I have to lose?
1690
01:12:07,730 --> 01:12:09,817
My career's nowhere. I'm broke.
1691
01:12:09,859 --> 01:12:11,738
I'm on the wrong side of 40.
1692
01:12:11,780 --> 01:12:13,405
What do I have left,
1693
01:12:13,407 --> 01:12:15,621
20 or 30 years tops?
1694
01:12:16,706 --> 01:12:17,917
I want more time.
1695
01:12:17,958 --> 01:12:20,964
Immortality is not that simple.
1696
01:12:21,006 --> 01:12:22,927
I mean, do you have any idea
what it's like
1697
01:12:22,968 --> 01:12:25,348
to be emotionally dead inside?
1698
01:12:25,390 --> 01:12:29,189
Have you met me?
I'm a comedian.
1699
01:12:29,231 --> 01:12:31,778
No. You see that right there,
shows you don't.
1700
01:12:31,820 --> 01:12:36,203
I mean, you are cloaked
in apathy and bitterness.
1701
01:12:38,124 --> 01:12:39,251
Thank you?
1702
01:12:40,253 --> 01:12:42,090
It's not a compliment.
1703
01:12:42,132 --> 01:12:43,800
You might not like
the way you feel,
1704
01:12:43,802 --> 01:12:47,306
but the fact is,
you do still feel.
1705
01:12:47,308 --> 01:12:49,897
And if you truly hated
your life so much,
1706
01:12:49,939 --> 01:12:52,820
why on earth would you want it
to continue?
1707
01:12:57,454 --> 01:12:58,999
'Cause I'm a nobody.
1708
01:13:01,295 --> 01:13:03,090
I'm just an old road bum.
1709
01:13:04,927 --> 01:13:06,846
Just played dive bars
and bowling alleys
1710
01:13:06,848 --> 01:13:08,058
my whole life.
1711
01:13:10,062 --> 01:13:11,398
Never got the shot.
1712
01:13:14,530 --> 01:13:16,532
But with this,
1713
01:13:16,534 --> 01:13:18,955
I can have more time.
1714
01:13:18,997 --> 01:13:21,376
Ethan, please.
1715
01:13:21,418 --> 01:13:23,757
I'm asking you as a friend.
1716
01:13:26,386 --> 01:13:28,057
Please bite me.
1717
01:13:34,946 --> 01:13:39,287
With all due respect, no.
1718
01:13:39,329 --> 01:13:40,456
Why?
1719
01:13:41,584 --> 01:13:44,214
Because nothing changes, Pete.
1720
01:13:44,256 --> 01:13:48,013
I'm still the same
naive boy I was in 1613.
1721
01:13:48,055 --> 01:13:50,351
Yes, I've... I've adapted
to my surroundings,
1722
01:13:50,393 --> 01:13:52,438
sure, because I've had to.
1723
01:13:52,480 --> 01:13:54,610
But I haven't changed.
1724
01:13:54,652 --> 01:13:56,990
Nobody does.
1725
01:13:57,031 --> 01:13:59,202
What makes you think
you'd be any different?
1726
01:14:00,622 --> 01:14:04,294
I don't know.
But why not try?
1727
01:14:04,296 --> 01:14:07,133
Because there's no going back.
1728
01:14:07,135 --> 01:14:09,097
You will taste death.
1729
01:14:09,139 --> 01:14:13,105
Or... or appreciate its worth.
1730
01:14:13,147 --> 01:14:15,484
You'll only lose yourself
in an infinite loop
1731
01:14:15,527 --> 01:14:18,909
while you watch
everyone around you die.
1732
01:14:20,161 --> 01:14:21,413
Is that what you want?
1733
01:14:23,500 --> 01:14:24,629
Is it?
1734
01:14:27,551 --> 01:14:29,179
Maybe that's already happened.
1735
01:14:32,352 --> 01:14:34,230
Oh, has it?
1736
01:14:34,272 --> 01:14:36,193
Mr. Comic's Comic?
1737
01:14:37,403 --> 01:14:40,533
You're the one
playing lonely road dog,
1738
01:14:40,535 --> 01:14:42,497
pretending you're above
loving anyone else
1739
01:14:42,539 --> 01:14:44,669
above yourself,
1740
01:14:44,710 --> 01:14:48,677
or God worse than loving you.
1741
01:14:50,471 --> 01:14:52,308
It's not fair
to the very few people
1742
01:14:52,350 --> 01:14:54,145
who do give a shit,
1743
01:14:54,187 --> 01:14:56,274
especially Stephanie.
1744
01:14:56,316 --> 01:15:00,324
This has nothing to do
with Steph, okay?
1745
01:15:00,366 --> 01:15:02,997
You know, you really are
an ungrateful prick.
1746
01:15:04,165 --> 01:15:08,007
She sticks by you,
no questions asked,
1747
01:15:08,048 --> 01:15:09,569
and you're willing
to let that fade away
1748
01:15:09,593 --> 01:15:13,643
like everyone else
simply because what?
1749
01:15:13,685 --> 01:15:16,607
You feel the time that
you do have left isn't enough?
1750
01:15:18,611 --> 01:15:20,532
Now, who's playing the victim?
1751
01:15:24,456 --> 01:15:26,168
She knows
what she signed up for.
1752
01:15:30,342 --> 01:15:32,723
She knows that
there's only one person
1753
01:15:32,765 --> 01:15:35,604
that I ever loved
unconditionally.
1754
01:15:42,366 --> 01:15:44,327
Who I watched die.
1755
01:15:44,329 --> 01:15:47,376
[dramatic music playing]
1756
01:15:56,854 --> 01:15:58,608
He didn't have
the luxury of time.
1757
01:16:02,699 --> 01:16:05,204
He died
without ever understanding
1758
01:16:05,246 --> 01:16:07,416
the benefits of it
1759
01:16:07,458 --> 01:16:08,837
or the value of it.
1760
01:16:12,343 --> 01:16:13,428
You know why?
1761
01:16:14,723 --> 01:16:17,604
Because eight year olds
usually don't.
1762
01:16:26,371 --> 01:16:30,254
You... you had a child?
1763
01:16:31,423 --> 01:16:32,509
Yeah.
1764
01:16:34,262 --> 01:16:35,431
I had a son.
1765
01:16:36,559 --> 01:16:38,437
[Ethan sighs]
1766
01:16:42,988 --> 01:16:46,785
The universe took care
of that real quick.
1767
01:16:46,787 --> 01:16:51,631
So, don't lecture me
on the value of time, okay?
1768
01:16:53,760 --> 01:16:55,805
Because you have no fucking clue
1769
01:16:55,847 --> 01:16:59,939
what you're talking about, kid.
1770
01:17:01,776 --> 01:17:03,863
Pete, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
1771
01:17:04,823 --> 01:17:06,201
Now, you do.
1772
01:17:08,623 --> 01:17:11,671
[dramatic music playing]
1773
01:17:13,925 --> 01:17:15,804
I'm still not going to bite you.
1774
01:17:18,350 --> 01:17:20,647
I don't want you
to bite me anymore.
1775
01:17:20,689 --> 01:17:22,400
Pussy.
1776
01:17:22,441 --> 01:17:23,861
You forgot your shit.
1777
01:17:31,001 --> 01:17:33,044
[Chuck] Hey, Pete.
It's your favorite manager.
1778
01:17:33,046 --> 01:17:35,009
You got to give me a call
when you got a chance.
1779
01:17:35,050 --> 01:17:38,516
I got bad news on the
Russell Peters club.
1780
01:17:38,558 --> 01:17:40,058
[upbeat music playing]
1781
01:17:40,060 --> 01:17:42,064
[singer] ♪ Ooh, let's go! ♪
1782
01:17:43,735 --> 01:17:45,487
Chuck, you fucking slimy snake,
1783
01:17:45,530 --> 01:17:48,745
10% piece of fucking horseshit.
1784
01:17:48,786 --> 01:17:50,540
Hey, ass-nugget.
1785
01:17:50,582 --> 01:17:51,959
They wanted your protege,
not you.
1786
01:17:52,001 --> 01:17:53,378
What does it even matter, dude?
1787
01:17:53,420 --> 01:17:54,380
It's a fucking warm-up spot.
1788
01:17:54,422 --> 01:17:55,757
A baby could do it.
1789
01:17:55,759 --> 01:17:57,763
Russell's never
gonna go for this.
1790
01:17:57,804 --> 01:17:59,767
Charlie, it's out of my control.
1791
01:17:59,808 --> 01:18:01,520
Look, you still get
to open the show,
1792
01:18:01,562 --> 01:18:03,041
but instead of Russell,
you bring up Ethan,
1793
01:18:03,065 --> 01:18:04,775
and Ethan brings up Russell.
1794
01:18:04,777 --> 01:18:06,572
That's messed up, man.
1795
01:18:06,614 --> 01:18:08,114
See? He even gets it.
1796
01:18:08,116 --> 01:18:10,538
And he's not even finished
Rosetta Stone yet.
1797
01:18:10,580 --> 01:18:11,874
Fuck you, Chuck!
1798
01:18:11,916 --> 01:18:13,518
You know he killed a guy
the other night?
1799
01:18:13,544 --> 01:18:15,128
Oh, nice.
Did you film that too?
1800
01:18:15,130 --> 01:18:17,385
With his teeth. Fang.
1801
01:18:18,805 --> 01:18:20,640
Listen, ass-munch.
1802
01:18:20,642 --> 01:18:22,524
I don't know what the fuck
is going on with you.
1803
01:18:22,562 --> 01:18:24,858
This is bullshit, Chuck.
It's not right.
1804
01:18:24,900 --> 01:18:26,152
What did I tell you
1805
01:18:26,194 --> 01:18:27,154
when we first started
this business?
1806
01:18:27,196 --> 01:18:28,823
Okay, nothing is fair.
1807
01:18:28,825 --> 01:18:31,956
And you can't take
anything personally.
1808
01:18:34,837 --> 01:18:36,632
Heck. Are we good?
1809
01:18:36,674 --> 01:18:39,011
No. We're far from good.
1810
01:18:39,053 --> 01:18:41,141
Heegan, finish him!
1811
01:18:43,228 --> 01:18:44,731
[Ethan] Wow.
1812
01:18:46,025 --> 01:18:49,531
Pete, this place is incredible.
1813
01:18:49,533 --> 01:18:50,577
[Pete] Thanks.
1814
01:18:50,618 --> 01:18:51,954
It was once featured on
1815
01:18:51,996 --> 01:18:54,626
Lifestyles of the Broke
and Anonymous,
1816
01:18:54,668 --> 01:18:58,216
where caviar dreams don't exist.
1817
01:18:58,258 --> 01:19:03,561
Hmm, you jest,
but I find it quite chic.
1818
01:19:06,901 --> 01:19:09,197
How are you feeling?
1819
01:19:09,238 --> 01:19:10,825
Honestly,
I haven't been this nervous
1820
01:19:10,867 --> 01:19:14,123
since the Anti-Habsburg
Uprising.
1821
01:19:14,165 --> 01:19:15,752
I wouldn't open with that.
1822
01:19:17,087 --> 01:19:19,050
No, of course not.
1823
01:19:20,929 --> 01:19:23,599
Look, you're nervous.
1824
01:19:23,601 --> 01:19:25,101
It's totally normal
to be nervous.
1825
01:19:25,103 --> 01:19:27,274
It's... anybody would be.
1826
01:19:27,316 --> 01:19:29,028
No, of course.
1827
01:19:31,867 --> 01:19:33,119
How are you?
1828
01:19:34,748 --> 01:19:38,631
Fuck, no.
I'm dead inside, remember?
1829
01:19:40,300 --> 01:19:42,889
But for you, it's more normal.
1830
01:19:44,977 --> 01:19:47,231
Wait, what?
1831
01:19:47,273 --> 01:19:50,905
I remember not long ago
when you were vampsplaining
1832
01:19:50,947 --> 01:19:54,287
how immortality
is a hollowed existence.
1833
01:19:54,328 --> 01:19:59,130
But here you are filled
to the brim with emotion.
1834
01:20:01,009 --> 01:20:04,181
It's quite a paradox,
1835
01:20:05,935 --> 01:20:07,606
isn't it, Clarice?
1836
01:20:08,899 --> 01:20:11,112
What's the matter?
1837
01:20:11,154 --> 01:20:12,574
Bat have your tongue?
1838
01:20:15,120 --> 01:20:18,043
[car horn honks]
1839
01:20:18,084 --> 01:20:20,045
Our ride is here.
1840
01:20:20,047 --> 01:20:23,136
That makes me so happy.
1841
01:20:23,178 --> 01:20:24,138
You?
1842
01:20:24,180 --> 01:20:25,850
I don't sound like that.
1843
01:20:27,186 --> 01:20:28,146
I know.
1844
01:20:28,188 --> 01:20:29,775
That was Anthony Hopkins
1845
01:20:29,816 --> 01:20:31,578
but you kind of are
in the same neighborhood.
1846
01:20:31,904 --> 01:20:34,073
Let's go make a memory, cuh.
1847
01:20:34,075 --> 01:20:35,386
[singer] ♪ You know,
I'm built for it ♪
1848
01:20:35,410 --> 01:20:36,997
♪ You ain't gotta ask twice ♪
1849
01:20:37,039 --> 01:20:38,959
♪ You ain't about
That fast life ♪
1850
01:20:39,001 --> 01:20:41,422
♪ Huh, hundred on the dash
With the cash like ♪
1851
01:20:41,464 --> 01:20:42,818
♪ You ain't about
That fast life... ♪
1852
01:20:42,842 --> 01:20:47,265
Holy shit. Ethan,
1853
01:20:47,267 --> 01:20:48,938
you're big time!
1854
01:20:48,979 --> 01:20:50,315
Oh, yeah. He's huge.
1855
01:20:50,357 --> 01:20:51,775
That's why he's riding "bitch,"
1856
01:20:51,777 --> 01:20:53,154
in the backseat,
of this shitbox.
1857
01:20:53,196 --> 01:20:54,781
Hey, whoa.
1858
01:20:54,783 --> 01:20:56,136
At least, Roy doesn't have
a boot on his car
1859
01:20:56,160 --> 01:20:58,248
from unpaid fines.
1860
01:20:58,289 --> 01:21:00,043
And I will see them in court
1861
01:21:00,085 --> 01:21:02,107
because those signs were clearly
not marked handicapped.
1862
01:21:02,131 --> 01:21:06,180
All right. Kids,
kids, kids, that'll be $37.50.
1863
01:21:06,222 --> 01:21:09,019
I accept cash, hash, or gash.
1864
01:21:09,061 --> 01:21:11,232
- No one rides for free.
- Okay.
1865
01:21:11,274 --> 01:21:12,819
Maybe you can, uh, deduct it
1866
01:21:12,861 --> 01:21:14,196
from the ten years
of comp tickets
1867
01:21:14,238 --> 01:21:15,488
that Pete's got you.
1868
01:21:15,490 --> 01:21:17,119
What about you, Steph?
1869
01:21:17,161 --> 01:21:20,041
Uh, obviously,
the girlfriend discount.
1870
01:21:20,083 --> 01:21:22,254
So, you mean girlfriend's
"dicks-count."
1871
01:21:22,296 --> 01:21:23,799
Oh. [laughs]
1872
01:21:23,841 --> 01:21:25,469
If anyone's dicks count,
it would be her.
1873
01:21:25,511 --> 01:21:27,766
Oh, God.
1874
01:21:27,807 --> 01:21:30,980
Apparently, Roy's jokes even
need to be marked handicapped.
1875
01:21:31,022 --> 01:21:33,109
[Roy] I'm getting
heckled by Ethan.
1876
01:21:33,151 --> 01:21:35,405
It's not bad.
1877
01:21:35,447 --> 01:21:37,367
Hey.
1878
01:21:37,409 --> 01:21:40,040
I want you to know
how proud I am of you.
1879
01:21:40,081 --> 01:21:41,459
For what?
1880
01:21:48,473 --> 01:21:50,058
Really?
1881
01:21:50,060 --> 01:21:51,522
It's my ride.
1882
01:21:51,563 --> 01:21:52,899
Not anymore.
1883
01:21:55,070 --> 01:21:58,953
- Thank you, Roy.
- It's my car. My car.
1884
01:21:58,994 --> 01:22:02,917
Honey, you know, before a show
I'd only tell you maybe save it.
1885
01:22:02,919 --> 01:22:04,840
Be caressed like this?
1886
01:22:04,881 --> 01:22:06,133
- No, I just...
- Like this?
1887
01:22:06,175 --> 01:22:08,471
It's a prize fighter.
1888
01:22:08,514 --> 01:22:11,394
Really? Be serious for a second.
1889
01:22:11,435 --> 01:22:13,356
What you did
showed a lot of class.
1890
01:22:15,945 --> 01:22:17,447
Or stupidity?
1891
01:22:18,366 --> 01:22:21,540
I don't know, maybe a friendly
combination of both.
1892
01:22:23,126 --> 01:22:24,880
You're gonna do great tonight.
1893
01:22:24,921 --> 01:22:26,382
You are great.
1894
01:22:29,471 --> 01:22:30,975
I love you too.
1895
01:22:36,444 --> 01:22:38,197
Why are you so good to me?
1896
01:22:40,243 --> 01:22:42,329
Because you deserve it.
1897
01:22:42,331 --> 01:22:43,542
Sometimes, you know?
1898
01:22:46,297 --> 01:22:49,094
Now, get out there
and be Pete Fuckin' Brennan!
1899
01:22:49,136 --> 01:22:50,347
It's an order.
1900
01:22:51,642 --> 01:22:53,186
Somebody's gotta do it.
1901
01:22:54,355 --> 01:22:55,942
Yeah!
1902
01:22:55,983 --> 01:22:59,031
[upbeat music playing]
1903
01:23:03,331 --> 01:23:04,476
- [DJ Minky] Heegan.
- What's up?
1904
01:23:04,500 --> 01:23:06,128
You wanna learn how to DJ?
1905
01:23:06,170 --> 01:23:08,550
Well, please show me,
I will do, do amazing.
1906
01:23:08,592 --> 01:23:10,345
You teach me jujitsu,
1907
01:23:10,387 --> 01:23:12,057
I'll teach you
how to cut and scratch.
1908
01:23:12,099 --> 01:23:14,980
Well, it's a good trade.
I'm in. Let's go.
1909
01:23:15,021 --> 01:23:18,027
[speaking foreign language]
1910
01:23:18,069 --> 01:23:22,077
[upbeat music playing]
1911
01:23:33,726 --> 01:23:35,103
You blowing a ghost?
1912
01:23:35,145 --> 01:23:37,190
Holy shit bro!
1913
01:23:37,232 --> 01:23:39,445
You can't sneak up
on a guy mid-chew.
1914
01:23:39,486 --> 01:23:41,658
When did you start
eating vegetables?
1915
01:23:43,119 --> 01:23:44,329
I read this interview
1916
01:23:44,371 --> 01:23:46,459
with Peter North
who's a porn star.
1917
01:23:46,500 --> 01:23:48,589
He said, celery is the key
1918
01:23:48,630 --> 01:23:51,634
to a robust
and meaty money shot.
1919
01:23:51,636 --> 01:23:53,515
And at my age,
I need all the help I can get.
1920
01:23:53,557 --> 01:23:57,481
I have a tough enough time
clearing my own thumbs.
1921
01:23:57,523 --> 01:24:00,318
You also have a tough
enough time clearing my checks.
1922
01:24:00,320 --> 01:24:01,823
Well, one time.
1923
01:24:01,865 --> 01:24:03,367
Hey, are you available
for weddings?
1924
01:24:03,409 --> 01:24:04,829
[Russell] And bar mitzvahs.
1925
01:24:04,871 --> 01:24:06,793
- [Pete] What's up, buddy?
- [Chuck] How are you?
1926
01:24:08,503 --> 01:24:09,839
- Ethan.
- Ethan.
1927
01:24:09,881 --> 01:24:11,676
Nice to meet you, buddy.
1928
01:24:11,718 --> 01:24:14,098
For the record,
this wasn't my idea.
1929
01:24:14,139 --> 01:24:16,102
The suits, they got all excited
when something new
1930
01:24:16,143 --> 01:24:17,605
and shiny comes along
1931
01:24:17,647 --> 01:24:20,151
and jump on whatever
keeps the kids moist.
1932
01:24:20,193 --> 01:24:22,824
Well, Pete has told me
so much about you.
1933
01:24:22,865 --> 01:24:25,453
Truly an honor and a privilege
to meet you, sir.
1934
01:24:25,495 --> 01:24:27,372
[laughs]
1935
01:24:27,374 --> 01:24:29,461
Truly an honor and a privilege
to meet you, sir."
1936
01:24:29,503 --> 01:24:30,712
Where the fuck
did you find this kid?
1937
01:24:30,714 --> 01:24:33,177
Only Fangs.
1938
01:24:33,219 --> 01:24:34,219
[Russell]
Who taught you how to speak?
1939
01:24:34,221 --> 01:24:35,850
Fucking Mr. Belvedere?
1940
01:24:35,891 --> 01:24:39,398
"It is truly an honor
and privilege to meet you, sir."
1941
01:24:39,439 --> 01:24:41,233
I'm just fucking with you, kid.
1942
01:24:41,235 --> 01:24:42,780
I saw your thing for real,
1943
01:24:42,822 --> 01:24:44,425
that Chris Angel magic trick
you did, it was good.
1944
01:24:44,449 --> 01:24:47,746
Not my cup of tea
but, you know, kudos to you.
1945
01:24:47,748 --> 01:24:49,416
Well, thank you.
1946
01:24:49,418 --> 01:24:51,213
[Russell] So, here's
what's gonna happen.
1947
01:24:51,255 --> 01:24:52,592
Pete's gonna go and do 20.
1948
01:24:52,633 --> 01:24:54,426
He's going to kill it.
1949
01:24:54,428 --> 01:24:55,949
And you're not gonna
be able to follow him
1950
01:24:55,973 --> 01:24:57,602
but you're gonna go on
after him anyway.
1951
01:24:57,643 --> 01:25:00,900
Okay. I... I can handle that.
1952
01:25:00,941 --> 01:25:03,362
[Russell] This fucking kid
a rescue or something?
1953
01:25:03,404 --> 01:25:05,782
You teach him how to roll over,
fetch your slippers?
1954
01:25:05,784 --> 01:25:07,538
[Pete] He's fine.
He's just being nervous.
1955
01:25:07,580 --> 01:25:09,374
Remember our early shitty gigs
1956
01:25:09,416 --> 01:25:12,462
we did up in Toronto in '95,
was it a stupid beer fest?
1957
01:25:12,464 --> 01:25:13,860
It was some beer fest.
It was shitty.
1958
01:25:13,884 --> 01:25:15,554
[Pete] And they had
that statement.
1959
01:25:15,596 --> 01:25:16,866
- What was I saying?
- [Russell] Oh, it's, uh...
1960
01:25:16,890 --> 01:25:19,476
[both] "That's what beer
is all about."
1961
01:25:19,478 --> 01:25:20,648
- Yeah.
- It was stupid.
1962
01:25:20,689 --> 01:25:22,818
What?
1963
01:25:22,860 --> 01:25:24,446
Hey, uh, Ethan,
1964
01:25:24,488 --> 01:25:26,009
I want you to know
that all this ass kissing
1965
01:25:26,033 --> 01:25:28,995
and fuckin' brown nosing
is all bullshit, all right?
1966
01:25:28,997 --> 01:25:30,542
It's not gonna last forever.
1967
01:25:30,584 --> 01:25:32,546
So, don't forget
your place and time.
1968
01:25:32,588 --> 01:25:33,924
[speaking foreign language]
1969
01:25:35,970 --> 01:25:37,305
I won't.
1970
01:25:38,684 --> 01:25:41,564
We all know this is Pete's spot
1971
01:25:41,606 --> 01:25:45,321
and whether me being here
was your decision or not.
1972
01:25:46,783 --> 01:25:48,494
I won't let either of you down.
1973
01:25:51,041 --> 01:25:53,337
Why does he talk like that?
1974
01:25:53,379 --> 01:25:55,882
He watched a lot
of Harry Potter as a kid.
1975
01:25:55,884 --> 01:25:57,726
I'm probably the Harriest Potter
he's ever met.
1976
01:25:59,016 --> 01:26:01,353
[man] Pete,
you're on in three minutes.
1977
01:26:03,900 --> 01:26:07,908
Okay. Any last minute advice?
1978
01:26:07,950 --> 01:26:09,537
Yes!
1979
01:26:09,579 --> 01:26:11,413
Oh, my God.
This is very important.
1980
01:26:11,415 --> 01:26:12,583
Don't suck.
1981
01:26:12,585 --> 01:26:14,756
[laughs]
1982
01:26:14,797 --> 01:26:16,676
Got him.
1983
01:26:16,718 --> 01:26:17,803
Thank you.
1984
01:26:20,642 --> 01:26:22,435
[Chuck] He's nervous.
1985
01:26:22,437 --> 01:26:26,443
Kid's shaking like a dog
trying to shit a peach seed.
1986
01:26:26,445 --> 01:26:29,409
[laughs]
1987
01:26:29,451 --> 01:26:30,996
You an actress?
1988
01:26:31,038 --> 01:26:32,958
You wanna be?
1989
01:26:33,000 --> 01:26:35,421
How about an over the pants
hand job with no eye contact?
1990
01:26:36,633 --> 01:26:37,635
No?
1991
01:26:37,676 --> 01:26:40,766
[upbeat music playing]
1992
01:26:40,808 --> 01:26:43,396
[singer] ♪ We on a world tour
With Muhammad, my man ♪
1993
01:26:43,437 --> 01:26:45,066
♪ Going each and every place ♪
1994
01:26:45,108 --> 01:26:46,503
♪ With the mic in their hand,
New York ♪
1995
01:26:46,528 --> 01:26:48,487
[indistinct]
1996
01:26:48,489 --> 01:26:50,491
like imagine
if I did that to people.
1997
01:26:50,493 --> 01:26:52,557
And I was like, "Oh, shit.
What's up Bed, Bath & Beyond?
1998
01:26:52,581 --> 01:26:54,544
[laughter]
1999
01:26:54,585 --> 01:26:56,130
Smoothy King, where you at?
2000
01:26:57,508 --> 01:26:58,760
"Chik-fil-A."
2001
01:26:58,802 --> 01:27:01,014
[laughter]
2002
01:27:01,056 --> 01:27:03,937
- [cheers and applause]
- All right.
2003
01:27:03,979 --> 01:27:05,691
Wow!
2004
01:27:06,943 --> 01:27:08,572
And I'm just your "fluffer."
2005
01:27:08,613 --> 01:27:09,991
Wait till the pizza man
gets here,
2006
01:27:10,032 --> 01:27:12,201
you know what I'm saying?
2007
01:27:12,203 --> 01:27:14,876
Delivering that peckeroni.
2008
01:27:14,917 --> 01:27:16,880
Um, all right.
2009
01:27:16,921 --> 01:27:18,548
Guys, you ready
for your next comic?
2010
01:27:18,550 --> 01:27:20,846
[crowd] Yeah!
2011
01:27:20,888 --> 01:27:24,727
Your next comedian
is 27 years old
2012
01:27:24,729 --> 01:27:27,150
but he's a legit
quad-centennial.
2013
01:27:27,192 --> 01:27:29,070
That's right.
2014
01:27:29,112 --> 01:27:31,993
Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together
2015
01:27:32,035 --> 01:27:35,249
for Mr. Ethan Barr.
2016
01:27:35,291 --> 01:27:40,802
[rock music playing]
2017
01:27:40,844 --> 01:27:45,771
[applause]
2018
01:27:46,940 --> 01:27:48,777
Wow.
2019
01:27:48,818 --> 01:27:52,114
This is incredible.
2020
01:27:52,116 --> 01:27:54,287
Though I have to be honest,
I haven't been this nervous
2021
01:27:54,329 --> 01:27:58,212
since the Anti-Habsburg
Uprising of 1740.
2022
01:27:58,254 --> 01:28:00,634
What the fuck?
2023
01:28:00,676 --> 01:28:01,886
[clears throat]
2024
01:28:03,890 --> 01:28:07,982
You know... my mentor said
2025
01:28:08,023 --> 01:28:09,819
not to open with that joke.
2026
01:28:09,860 --> 01:28:11,280
He was right.
2027
01:28:12,825 --> 01:28:15,246
He usually is.
2028
01:28:15,288 --> 01:28:19,755
He's a true comic's comic
which is why I believe
2029
01:28:19,797 --> 01:28:22,051
we should bring him out
for another bow.
2030
01:28:23,178 --> 01:28:25,099
Ladies and gentlemen,
2031
01:28:25,141 --> 01:28:26,811
please help me reintroduce
2032
01:28:26,853 --> 01:28:29,775
your first headliner
of the evening,
2033
01:28:29,817 --> 01:28:32,030
Mr. Pete Brennan!
2034
01:28:32,071 --> 01:28:34,702
[crowd cheering]
2035
01:28:34,744 --> 01:28:36,121
What the fuck?
2036
01:28:36,163 --> 01:28:37,706
What the fuck?
2037
01:28:37,708 --> 01:28:39,375
- What the fuck?
- What the fuck?
2038
01:28:39,377 --> 01:28:40,964
What the fuck.
2039
01:28:41,006 --> 01:28:42,175
Come on.
2040
01:28:42,216 --> 01:28:45,056
[crowd cheering]
2041
01:28:57,163 --> 01:28:59,960
- Seriously, dude, what the fuck?
- Look, I have no fucking idea.
2042
01:29:00,002 --> 01:29:01,380
I'm sorry.
2043
01:29:01,421 --> 01:29:03,133
The guy just went rogue.
I don't know.
2044
01:29:03,175 --> 01:29:04,970
He's going down like
an Iraqi fighter pilot.
2045
01:29:05,012 --> 01:29:06,974
I knew he wasn't ready.
He's your protege.
2046
01:29:07,016 --> 01:29:08,768
- [Danny] Yes.
- My protege?
2047
01:29:08,770 --> 01:29:10,270
You're the guy who booked him.
2048
01:29:10,272 --> 01:29:11,941
- [Chuck] I didn't book him.
- Yes, you did.
2049
01:29:11,943 --> 01:29:13,296
When you were rolling
on the fucking ground
2050
01:29:13,320 --> 01:29:14,947
with Heegan Mitch out
on the backyard
2051
01:29:14,949 --> 01:29:16,720
who said, "He's gonna be
on camera, remember?"
2052
01:29:16,744 --> 01:29:19,290
What? Did Heegan squeeze
your fucking brain too tight?
2053
01:29:19,332 --> 01:29:25,094
[Ethan] Help me give a warm
welcome to Russell Peters.
2054
01:29:25,136 --> 01:29:28,140
Is that how you're trying
to revive your career?
2055
01:29:28,142 --> 01:29:30,312
Who said my career's
in the shitter?
2056
01:29:30,354 --> 01:29:31,981
[singer] ♪ Can I kick it? ♪
2057
01:29:31,983 --> 01:29:34,780
Give it up for, uh, Pete Brennan
2058
01:29:34,822 --> 01:29:37,911
and his beautiful daughter
Ethan Barr,
2059
01:29:37,953 --> 01:29:40,164
my favorite vampire.
2060
01:29:40,166 --> 01:29:42,501
[crowd laughing]
2061
01:29:42,503 --> 01:29:44,483
Never understood the name,
Ethan, and all of a sudden,
2062
01:29:44,508 --> 01:29:46,136
too much, like, methane to me.
2063
01:29:47,890 --> 01:29:50,269
Which makes sense because his
breath smells like shit.
2064
01:29:52,106 --> 01:29:54,528
[crowd cheering]
2065
01:29:54,570 --> 01:29:57,074
Oh, you got two Asian girls
with you, huh?
2066
01:29:57,116 --> 01:29:59,454
What happened?
Double clicked on
the check out?
2067
01:29:59,496 --> 01:30:05,380
[laughter]
2068
01:30:05,382 --> 01:30:09,307
[rapper] ♪ I mean, this is
The best times of my life ♪
2069
01:30:09,349 --> 01:30:10,852
[upbeat music playing]
2070
01:30:10,894 --> 01:30:13,396
[Pete] This is it, my friend.
2071
01:30:13,398 --> 01:30:16,823
This is what it's all about,
2072
01:30:16,864 --> 01:30:20,246
the moment, after the moment
2073
01:30:20,287 --> 01:30:22,582
when we shared a moment.
2074
01:30:22,584 --> 01:30:25,254
Wow. That is... that's deep.
2075
01:30:25,256 --> 01:30:27,218
[laughter]
2076
01:30:28,428 --> 01:30:31,351
Ah, that ain't shit, homeboy.
2077
01:30:33,898 --> 01:30:36,194
Dude, you're going, like,
2078
01:30:36,236 --> 01:30:39,450
55 in a 65, bro.
2079
01:30:39,492 --> 01:30:41,496
Come on!
2080
01:30:41,539 --> 01:30:45,462
Punch it, live a little.
2081
01:30:45,504 --> 01:30:48,135
Pete, I know it should've
been you and not me.
2082
01:30:51,266 --> 01:30:52,936
Not your fault.
2083
01:30:52,978 --> 01:30:55,107
I'm sorry.
2084
01:30:55,149 --> 01:30:57,613
This is business.
2085
01:30:57,654 --> 01:31:03,081
Shit's uptown,
reward's mediocre.
2086
01:31:03,123 --> 01:31:05,336
But I'm actually
really proud of you.
2087
01:31:07,173 --> 01:31:09,010
I know I'm not as funny as you.
2088
01:31:09,052 --> 01:31:11,012
And you never will be.
2089
01:31:11,014 --> 01:31:12,224
Ever.
2090
01:31:13,561 --> 01:31:16,441
But... it doesn't matter
2091
01:31:17,694 --> 01:31:20,366
because you got something
I don't.
2092
01:31:22,537 --> 01:31:23,623
What?
2093
01:31:25,167 --> 01:31:31,179
You have... a presence.
2094
01:31:33,475 --> 01:31:38,026
Open this motherfucker up!
2095
01:31:39,780 --> 01:31:41,575
Fine. You want me to go?
2096
01:31:43,245 --> 01:31:44,746
Woo!
2097
01:31:44,748 --> 01:31:47,086
Woo! Woo! Gas it.
2098
01:31:50,092 --> 01:31:53,140
Yeah! Yeah, man.
2099
01:31:53,181 --> 01:31:57,189
Woo! Yeah.
2100
01:31:57,231 --> 01:31:59,987
Pete. Pete, get inside!
2101
01:32:01,782 --> 01:32:03,283
What is the matter with you?
2102
01:32:03,285 --> 01:32:05,540
Woo!
2103
01:32:05,582 --> 01:32:07,376
Yeah.
2104
01:32:08,462 --> 01:32:10,631
Yeah.
2105
01:32:10,633 --> 01:32:12,178
Pete. Get in... Pete, Pete!
2106
01:32:12,219 --> 01:32:14,307
[crash]
2107
01:32:16,645 --> 01:32:19,651
[dramatic music playing]
2108
01:32:52,884 --> 01:32:54,638
[panting]
2109
01:32:54,680 --> 01:32:57,224
[coughs]
2110
01:32:57,226 --> 01:32:58,393
Pete!
2111
01:32:58,395 --> 01:32:59,896
I'm fine.
2112
01:32:59,898 --> 01:33:01,652
Bite me, Ethan.
2113
01:33:01,694 --> 01:33:04,407
No, I won't have to.
2114
01:33:04,448 --> 01:33:06,369
You're going to be okay.
2115
01:33:07,914 --> 01:33:09,417
[Pete] How bad is it?
2116
01:33:09,458 --> 01:33:10,753
Um...
2117
01:33:12,591 --> 01:33:14,887
I've seen worse.
2118
01:33:14,928 --> 01:33:16,724
[breathes heavily]
2119
01:33:16,765 --> 01:33:18,936
Well, this is it.
2120
01:33:18,978 --> 01:33:21,439
This is the way it ends.
2121
01:33:21,441 --> 01:33:22,944
No, hey. Hey. Hey.
2122
01:33:22,986 --> 01:33:24,823
Save your energy, okay?
2123
01:33:24,865 --> 01:33:26,952
They're on their way.
You're going to be fine.
2124
01:33:28,496 --> 01:33:31,377
- I'm fine.
- [Ethan] Hey, come on.
2125
01:33:31,419 --> 01:33:33,296
The ambulance is almost here,
all right?
2126
01:33:33,298 --> 01:33:34,633
Just hang on.
2127
01:33:34,635 --> 01:33:37,223
[Pete] Here's my boy.
2128
01:33:37,264 --> 01:33:40,688
[Ethan] Yes. I'm your boy.
2129
01:33:40,730 --> 01:33:43,736
No. No, my son.
2130
01:33:43,778 --> 01:33:45,698
My son is here.
2131
01:33:45,740 --> 01:33:47,409
- Yes.
- [Pete] My son is here.
2132
01:33:47,451 --> 01:33:48,537
Yeah, they're almost here.
2133
01:33:48,579 --> 01:33:50,457
Just hang on, okay?
2134
01:33:52,671 --> 01:33:54,338
I don't know, Ethan.
2135
01:33:54,340 --> 01:33:55,802
I can't.
2136
01:33:57,012 --> 01:33:59,433
He just came in the light.
2137
01:33:59,475 --> 01:34:01,647
No, Pete.
Come on, stay, stay with me.
2138
01:34:01,689 --> 01:34:02,941
Stay with me, Pete.
2139
01:34:02,983 --> 01:34:05,445
I got to get up now.
2140
01:34:07,784 --> 01:34:11,542
Hey, you're gonna cry, cry.
2141
01:34:14,422 --> 01:34:18,973
That's my time. Goodnight.
2142
01:34:19,015 --> 01:34:22,564
[siren wailing in distance]
2143
01:34:24,735 --> 01:34:27,949
Pete. Pete. Pete.
2144
01:34:27,991 --> 01:34:31,372
Come on.
Come on, stay with me, Pete.
2145
01:34:31,414 --> 01:34:35,005
Please. Please, Pete.
2146
01:34:35,047 --> 01:34:38,094
[dramatic music playing]
2147
01:34:49,826 --> 01:34:51,412
[Sandy] Good morning.
2148
01:34:51,454 --> 01:34:52,850
Do you have a reservation
with us today?
2149
01:34:52,874 --> 01:34:55,546
- Yes, I do.
- Fantastic!
2150
01:34:55,588 --> 01:34:58,426
Um, and what is the last name
of the traveler?
2151
01:34:58,468 --> 01:35:00,472
Barr.
2152
01:35:00,515 --> 01:35:02,852
Ethan Barr.
2153
01:35:04,146 --> 01:35:07,985
Ooh!
So, you're this week's comedian?
2154
01:35:07,987 --> 01:35:10,033
So, are you funny?
2155
01:35:11,077 --> 01:35:13,123
Can you tell me a joke?
2156
01:35:13,164 --> 01:35:15,168
I... I just love jokes.
2157
01:35:17,172 --> 01:35:19,468
Okay.
Here's what I think you'll like.
2158
01:35:19,511 --> 01:35:23,602
What's the difference
between a vagina and a cunt?
2159
01:35:23,644 --> 01:35:26,817
Until you bring it back
and that's called the callback.
2160
01:35:26,859 --> 01:35:28,153
Now, remember
what I said earlier
2161
01:35:28,194 --> 01:35:29,781
about the "rules of threes"
2162
01:35:29,823 --> 01:35:31,827
and also, the "K" Sound.
2163
01:35:31,869 --> 01:35:33,204
Ooh.
2164
01:35:33,246 --> 01:35:36,502
Look who we have here!
2165
01:35:36,545 --> 01:35:39,425
Please give it up,
the great Keith Ray.
2166
01:35:40,218 --> 01:35:42,974
Yo, I'm the pimp with the limp,
you're the shrimp
with the limp.
2167
01:35:43,016 --> 01:35:44,811
Yeah, you know it, baby.
2168
01:35:44,853 --> 01:35:46,857
Look, what he said is correct.
2169
01:35:46,899 --> 01:35:49,863
Which is why
when used correctly,
2170
01:35:49,905 --> 01:35:51,950
the "C-word" is always fun.
2171
01:35:54,038 --> 01:35:55,748
Dude, is this show and tell?
2172
01:35:55,750 --> 01:35:58,004
- What?
- Um, okay.
2173
01:35:58,046 --> 01:36:00,758
So, in your humble opinion then,
2174
01:36:00,760 --> 01:36:02,597
like, what do you think
2175
01:36:02,639 --> 01:36:04,933
the best thing that
a comedian can do,
2176
01:36:04,935 --> 01:36:08,149
like, while they're on stage
or whatever and stuff?
2177
01:36:10,278 --> 01:36:12,617
- Is that a real question?
- I don't know, Pete.
2178
01:36:12,659 --> 01:36:13,951
But you take a shot at it.
2179
01:36:13,953 --> 01:36:15,623
Oh, my God.
2180
01:36:21,259 --> 01:36:22,845
Two words.
2181
01:36:24,724 --> 01:36:26,143
Don't suck.
2182
01:36:26,185 --> 01:36:27,312
[singer] ♪ Let's do it ♪
2183
01:36:27,354 --> 01:36:30,611
[upbeat music playing]
2184
01:36:59,168 --> 01:37:00,711
[singer] ♪ Working all week ♪
2185
01:37:00,713 --> 01:37:02,884
♪ 9:00 to 5:00 for my money ♪
2186
01:37:02,925 --> 01:37:04,303
♪ So, when the weekend comes ♪
2187
01:37:04,345 --> 01:37:06,767
♪ I go get live with the hunt ♪
2188
01:37:06,808 --> 01:37:08,646
♪ Rollin' down the street ♪
2189
01:37:08,687 --> 01:37:10,357
♪ I saw a girl
When she was pumping ♪
2190
01:37:10,398 --> 01:37:12,277
♪ I winked my eyes
She got into the ride ♪
2191
01:37:12,319 --> 01:37:14,404
♪ Went to a club
And we're jumping ♪
2192
01:37:14,406 --> 01:37:17,912
♪ Introduced myself,
Hello she said you're a liar ♪
2193
01:37:17,914 --> 01:37:20,416
♪ I said, I got it going on
Baby doll ♪
2194
01:37:20,418 --> 01:37:22,089
♪ And I'mma flyer ♪
2195
01:37:22,130 --> 01:37:23,759
♪ Took her to the hotel ♪
2196
01:37:23,801 --> 01:37:25,846
♪ She said, you're the king ♪
2197
01:37:25,888 --> 01:37:27,743
♪ And so, be my queen
If you know what I mean? ♪
2198
01:37:27,767 --> 01:37:30,313
♪ Let's do the wild thing ♪
2199
01:37:32,777 --> 01:37:34,279
♪ Wild thing ♪
154455
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