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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,067 --> 00:00:06,033 [rock music] 2 00:00:06,067 --> 00:00:14,000 * 3 00:00:26,367 --> 00:00:30,733 [cheers and applause] 4 00:00:30,767 --> 00:00:33,733 [Anya Marina's Flinty plays] 5 00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:34,733 * 6 00:00:34,767 --> 00:00:37,600 - * IT DOESN'T GO AWAY 7 00:00:37,633 --> 00:00:40,300 * WHEN YOU'RE TRYING NOT TO STAY * 8 00:00:40,333 --> 00:00:42,133 - FUCK YEAH! 9 00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:44,767 [cheers and applause] 10 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:48,200 THIS IS SUCH A BIG NIGHT FOR YOU. 11 00:00:48,233 --> 00:00:51,700 UM, BUT I'M CELEBRATING. 12 00:00:51,733 --> 00:00:55,133 I FINALLY JUST SLEPT WITH MY HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH. 13 00:00:55,167 --> 00:00:56,200 [cheers and applause] RIGHT? 14 00:00:56,233 --> 00:00:57,333 THANK YOU. 15 00:00:57,367 --> 00:00:59,533 THANK YOU, BUT I SWEAR, NOW HE, LIKE, 16 00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:02,767 EXPECTS ME TO GO TO HIS GRADUATION. 17 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,500 [laughter] 18 00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:08,100 LIKE I KNOW WHERE I'M GONNA BE IN THREE YEARS, RIGHT? 19 00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,433 I'M LIKE, "WHOA!" 20 00:01:10,467 --> 00:01:12,667 SLOW IT DOWN. 21 00:01:12,700 --> 00:01:14,433 FUCKING KIDS, RIGHT? 22 00:01:14,467 --> 00:01:19,133 FUCKING SMALL KIDS. 23 00:01:19,167 --> 00:01:20,700 YOU LOOK, LIKE, UPSET. LIKE, I DON'T FUCK KIDS. 24 00:01:20,733 --> 00:01:21,767 THAT'S A JOKE. 25 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,333 LIKE, I WOULD NEVER-- 26 00:01:24,367 --> 00:01:25,933 I SHOULDN'T SAY NEVER. 27 00:01:25,967 --> 00:01:28,767 THAT'S LIKE-- YOU DON'T KNOW-- 28 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,700 I FEEL LIKE I JUST PAINTED MYSELF IN A CORNER THERE. 29 00:01:30,733 --> 00:01:33,633 BUT, UM, THAT'S NOT A GOOD WAY TO START. 30 00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:35,967 THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL THEATER. I SHOULD BE REALLY GRATEFUL. 31 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,167 I WORKED AT A FISH RESTAURANT LAST WEEK. 32 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:40,000 LIKE, I DID STAND-UP AT A FISH RESTAURANT, 33 00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:41,633 JUST SO YOU GUYS KNOW. 34 00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:42,667 THAT'S NOT A JOKE. 35 00:01:42,700 --> 00:01:43,867 PEOPLE WERE, LIKE, EATING MUSSELS, 36 00:01:43,900 --> 00:01:45,333 AND THEY WERE JUST LIKE, "CHECK." 37 00:01:45,367 --> 00:01:48,133 AND I WAS LIKE, "CAN YOU JUST LET ME TRY AND PURSUE MY DREAM?" 38 00:01:48,167 --> 00:01:49,133 [laughter] 39 00:01:49,167 --> 00:01:51,733 AND THIS PLACE IS SO BEAUTIFUL. 40 00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:52,933 I SHOULD HAVE STARTED OFF 41 00:01:52,967 --> 00:01:54,167 WITH SOMETHING OTHER THAN KID FUCKING. 42 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,900 YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT. 43 00:01:56,933 --> 00:01:59,100 START OVER. CLASS IT UP. 44 00:01:59,133 --> 00:02:01,867 MY MOM'S A CUNT. HEAR ME OUT. 45 00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:03,900 [laughter] 46 00:02:03,933 --> 00:02:05,633 GO WITH ME ON THIS, YOU GUYS. 47 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:10,000 UM, I KNOW, LIKE, NOT EVERYONE'S COMFORTABLE WITH THAT WORD. 48 00:02:10,033 --> 00:02:11,767 HALF OF YOU WERE LIKE, "UGH," RIGHT? 49 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:13,033 "NO, DON'T SAY THAT," 50 00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:14,567 AND THE OTHER HALF OF YOU WERE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. 51 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:17,067 WHAT A COINCIDENCE." 52 00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:20,133 [laughter] 53 00:02:20,167 --> 00:02:25,300 "THAT CUNT SHOULD MEET MY CUNT MOM." 54 00:02:25,333 --> 00:02:27,400 I JUST--I BROUGHT HER TO A SOCCER GAME 55 00:02:27,433 --> 00:02:29,867 'CAUSE I WANTED HER TO SEE WHAT BOUNDARIES LOOKED LIKE, 56 00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:32,300 YOU KNOW? 57 00:02:32,333 --> 00:02:35,433 I WAS LIKE, "LOOK, STOP WEARING MY CLOTHES." 58 00:02:35,467 --> 00:02:36,733 UGH. 59 00:02:36,767 --> 00:02:39,300 SHE'S ALWAYS BRAGGING ABOUT THE DUMBEST STUFF. 60 00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:40,567 THE OTHER DAY SHE WAS TELLING ME, SHE WAS LIKE, 61 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,233 "YOU KNOW, I CAN STILL FIT IN MY WEDDING DRESS," 62 00:02:43,267 --> 00:02:48,300 I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. WHO CARES?" RIGHT? 63 00:02:48,333 --> 00:02:50,433 I MEAN, IT IS WEIRD THAT SHE'S THE SAME SIZE NOW 64 00:02:50,467 --> 00:02:53,200 AS SHE WAS WHEN SHE WAS EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT, 65 00:02:53,233 --> 00:02:55,300 BUT I JUST-- 66 00:02:55,333 --> 00:02:58,167 [laughter] 67 00:03:00,767 --> 00:03:02,833 I DON'T THINK BRAGGING'S COOL. 68 00:03:02,867 --> 00:03:03,900 ARE YOU OKAY? 69 00:03:03,933 --> 00:03:05,500 YOU'RE, LIKE, CHOKING. NO? 70 00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,633 ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO TALENT? 71 00:03:07,667 --> 00:03:09,667 [laughter and cheering] 72 00:03:09,700 --> 00:03:12,233 HI, HI. 73 00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:13,933 I'M JUST KIDDING. ARE YOU OKAY, REALLY? 74 00:03:13,967 --> 00:03:16,000 YOU NEED ANYTHING? OKAY. 75 00:03:16,033 --> 00:03:19,967 OH, GOD. 76 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,867 I DON'T NEED ANOTHER DEATH UNDER MY BELT. 77 00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:24,433 SPEAKING OF ME TAKING PLAN "B" LAST WEEK, 78 00:03:24,467 --> 00:03:27,767 I--I DID. 79 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,300 YOU KNOW-- YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? 80 00:03:29,333 --> 00:03:32,167 THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE HERE-- IT'S THE MORNING-AFTER PILL. 81 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:34,600 I TAKE IT THE NIGHT BEFORE 'CAUSE I'M SMART. 82 00:03:34,633 --> 00:03:39,100 BUT SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO-- I'M WITH YOU GOOD PEOPLE. 83 00:03:39,133 --> 00:03:41,800 I BELIEVE BIRTH BEGINS AT CONCEPTION. 84 00:03:41,833 --> 00:03:43,633 SO I JUST, LIKE, BEAT THAT SHIT. 85 00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:45,767 UH... 86 00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:50,633 PLAN BIZZLE. 87 00:03:50,667 --> 00:03:53,500 WHO'S TAKEN IT? WHO'S TAKEN IT? 88 00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:54,667 THANK YOU. 89 00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:56,200 OH, SORRY, A ROOM OF HEROES. 90 00:03:56,233 --> 00:03:59,600 EVERYONE'S LIKE, "EH." 91 00:03:59,633 --> 00:04:02,100 THIS PLACE IS OLD. THERE'S PROBABLY-- 92 00:04:02,133 --> 00:04:03,367 YOU'RE PROBABLY BEING INSEMINATED 93 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:06,333 BY THE SEATS RIGHT NOW, LET'S BE REAL. 94 00:04:06,367 --> 00:04:08,833 I DID, I TOOK IT. 95 00:04:08,867 --> 00:04:09,967 IT'S OVER THE-- 96 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,433 I WENT TO MY NORMAL PHARMACY, I WALK IN, 97 00:04:12,467 --> 00:04:14,300 THE PHARMACIST IS LIKE, "HEY, AME." 98 00:04:14,333 --> 00:04:17,133 I'M LIKE, "PLEASE DON'T CALL ME A NICKNAME." 99 00:04:17,167 --> 00:04:18,933 HE'S LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU WANT, AMBIEN?" 100 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:20,767 I'M LIKE, "NO, I'M NOT ADDICTED TO THAT. 101 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:24,100 "YOU GUYS KNOW THAT. 102 00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:28,267 I ONLY TAKE THAT WHEN I'M DRINKING." 103 00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:29,367 THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" 104 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:30,700 I WAS LIKE, "PLAN 'B,'" 105 00:04:30,733 --> 00:04:32,233 AND THEY WERE LIKE-- THEY DIDN'T EVEN HIDE IT. 106 00:04:32,267 --> 00:04:34,733 THEY WERE LIKE, "EW, YOU WHORE." 107 00:04:34,767 --> 00:04:40,700 I WAS LIKE, "YOU CAN'T-- YOU CAN'T SAY THAT." 108 00:04:40,733 --> 00:04:42,500 THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU'RE GONNA FEEL NAUSEOUS." 109 00:04:42,533 --> 00:04:43,567 I WAS LIKE, "UGH." 110 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:47,233 I TOOK IT, I FELT FINE. 111 00:04:47,267 --> 00:04:50,300 I WENT TO YOGA. 112 00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:51,933 I'M LIKE, "CAN THESE PEOPLE TELL 113 00:04:51,967 --> 00:04:53,833 "I'M, LIKE, MID-ABORSH RIGHT NOW? 114 00:04:53,867 --> 00:04:54,967 THIS IS..." 115 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,767 [laughter] 116 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:57,900 [hums] 117 00:05:01,033 --> 00:05:03,900 THIS IS NOT GOOD. IT WAS EASY. 118 00:05:03,933 --> 00:05:09,000 THEY SHOULD CALL IT PLAN "A." THAT'S HOW I USED IT. 119 00:05:09,033 --> 00:05:11,800 IT'S A GREAT PLAN. LET'S START WITH THIS ONE. 120 00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:15,000 I--I DON'T-- 121 00:05:15,033 --> 00:05:16,667 I DON'T THINK THAT'S, LIKE, ADORABLE 122 00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:18,000 THAT I JUST TOOK PLAN "B." 123 00:05:18,033 --> 00:05:20,433 I'M 31. LIKE, THAT'S NOT CUTE AT ALL. 124 00:05:20,467 --> 00:05:23,667 THAT'S CUTE WHEN YOU'RE, LIKE, YOU'RE LIKE 21, RIGHT? 125 00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:25,333 YOU GO, YOU SIT ON YOUR MOM'S BED, 126 00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:26,600 YOU CRY, YOU'RE LIKE, 127 00:05:26,633 --> 00:05:29,633 "OH, THE CONDOM BROKE." 128 00:05:29,667 --> 00:05:32,133 I'M LIKE, "THE WHAT BROKE?" 129 00:05:32,167 --> 00:05:34,433 [laughter] 130 00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:38,267 "WHAT NOW? WHAT'S THIS YOU SPEAK OF?" 131 00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:41,433 I DO, I STILL THINK I'M 20. IT'S SO GROSS. 132 00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:43,500 LIKE, EVERY BAR I GO TO, I SHOW MY I.D. 133 00:05:43,533 --> 00:05:46,600 THEY'RE LIKE, "NO, THAT'S OKAY." 134 00:05:46,633 --> 00:05:50,500 LIKE, "WOW, THEY'RE REALLY RELAXED HERE. 135 00:05:50,533 --> 00:05:52,700 "I HOPE THEY DON'T GET RAIDED. 136 00:05:52,733 --> 00:05:55,433 THIS PLACE, I DON'T KNOW." 137 00:05:55,467 --> 00:05:56,733 BUT THE GIRLS I GREW UP WITH, 138 00:05:56,767 --> 00:05:58,633 THEY'RE LIVING NORMAL ADULT LIVES, YOU KNOW. 139 00:05:58,667 --> 00:06:01,267 SO THEY CALL ME NOW, AND THEY'RE LIKE, "AME, I'M PREGNANT." 140 00:06:01,300 --> 00:06:03,933 AND I STILL REACT LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?" 141 00:06:03,967 --> 00:06:08,667 [laughter] 142 00:06:08,700 --> 00:06:14,067 I'M LIKE, "I'LL DRIVE YOU, I GUESS." 143 00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:15,800 THEY'RE LIKE, "NO, YOU'RE GROSS," 144 00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:19,767 I'M LIKE, "OH, WE KEEP THEM NOW." 145 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:23,867 KEEP THEM. 146 00:06:23,900 --> 00:06:25,133 THAT'S MY FAVORITE REALITY SHOW. 147 00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:26,467 YOU KNOW THE SHOW TEEN MOM. 148 00:06:26,500 --> 00:06:28,567 OR IF YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH, MOM. 149 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:31,967 [laughter] 150 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,333 THEY DON'T WAIT, RIGHT? 151 00:06:34,367 --> 00:06:35,900 THIS IS POOR PLANNING ON MY PART. 152 00:06:35,933 --> 00:06:38,900 I'M KINDA DIZZY. I DONATED BLOOD TODAY. 153 00:06:38,933 --> 00:06:43,600 THAT'S WHAT I CALL GETTING AN AIDS TEST. 154 00:06:43,633 --> 00:06:44,833 I KNOW, THAT J-- 155 00:06:44,867 --> 00:06:47,767 PEOPLE, LIKE, HATE THAT JOKE IF THEY HAVE AIDS. 156 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:51,067 [laughter] 157 00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:54,867 SO IF YOU DIDN'T LAUGH, GET TESTED. 158 00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:57,600 CHECK IT OUT. 159 00:06:57,633 --> 00:06:58,833 CHECK IT OUT. 160 00:06:58,867 --> 00:07:01,367 YOU HAVE IT. YOU HAVE IT. 161 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:02,900 [laughter] 162 00:07:02,933 --> 00:07:07,500 I'M A HEALER. 163 00:07:07,533 --> 00:07:09,367 I WENT THROUGH A BREAKUP THIS YEAR. 164 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:10,467 I WAS DATING THIS GUY. 165 00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:12,933 I WALKED IN ON HIM MASTURBATING. 166 00:07:12,967 --> 00:07:14,800 YEAH, HE'S LIKE, "ARE YOU MAD?" 167 00:07:14,833 --> 00:07:16,767 I'M LIKE, "UH, NO, BUT YOU SEEM TO BE. 168 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,033 HOLY SHIT." 169 00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:23,167 [laughter] 170 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:24,833 I'M LIKE, "DOES IT OWE YOU MONEY? 171 00:07:24,867 --> 00:07:27,500 "WHY ARE YOU--" 172 00:07:27,533 --> 00:07:29,867 [laughter] 173 00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:31,667 "IS THAT WATERBOARDING? 174 00:07:31,700 --> 00:07:35,533 I DON'T FEEL SAFE." 175 00:07:35,567 --> 00:07:38,367 ME AND THIS GUY, WE WERE SO DIFFERENT. 176 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,533 I KNEW WE WERE--LIKE, HE WAS LIKE, REALLY INTO FAMILY. 177 00:07:40,567 --> 00:07:44,600 YOU KNOW, AND I MENTIONED MY MOM. 178 00:07:44,633 --> 00:07:46,933 LIKE, HE'D NEVER COME ON THE ROAD WITH ME ON THE WEEKENDS 179 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,567 'CAUSE HE WANTED TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS WIFE. 180 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,367 AND I JUST-- 181 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,667 I'M BETTER. 182 00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:56,800 NO, THE TRUTH IS I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME 183 00:07:56,833 --> 00:07:58,833 THE WHOLE TIME FOR THE LAMEST REASON: 184 00:07:58,867 --> 00:08:01,333 BECAUSE I WOULDN'T SWALLOW. 185 00:08:01,367 --> 00:08:04,567 BUT I HAVE A NUT ALLERGY. LIKE, WHAT DID HE EXPECT? 186 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,900 [laughter] 187 00:08:12,167 --> 00:08:15,433 RISK MY LIFE... 188 00:08:15,467 --> 00:08:17,133 FOR HIS EMPTY CALORIES? 189 00:08:17,167 --> 00:08:21,067 NO! 190 00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:23,200 STOP TELLING US IT'S GOOD FOR OUR SKIN. 191 00:08:23,233 --> 00:08:25,667 FUCK YOU GUYS. 192 00:08:25,700 --> 00:08:30,033 [laughter and cheering] 193 00:08:30,067 --> 00:08:32,833 - ONE GIRL WAS LIKE, "OH, OKAY." 194 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,000 GUYS ARE SO GROSS, RIGHT? 195 00:08:39,033 --> 00:08:40,200 GUYS ARE GROSS. 196 00:08:40,233 --> 00:08:42,400 YOU'RE GROSS, OKAY? 197 00:08:42,433 --> 00:08:43,567 THEY'RE SO GROSS. 198 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,367 I HAD SEX WITH A GUY RECENTLY, 199 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,867 MORE SEMEN THAN YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE. 200 00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:51,467 I WAS LIKE, "DID YOU JUST GET OUT OF JAIL? 201 00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:56,267 WHAT'S--WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" 202 00:08:56,300 --> 00:08:57,367 "IT'S A COMPLIMENT." 203 00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:01,167 "NO, NO." 204 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,433 BUT THAT'S WHAT GUYS WANT 'CAUSE THEY'RE SO GROSS. 205 00:09:03,467 --> 00:09:05,200 IF IT WERE UP TO THEM, WE'D ALL LOOK LIKE CARRIE 206 00:09:05,233 --> 00:09:07,067 IN THE PROM SCENE AT THE END, JUST, 207 00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:09,300 "UGHH." 208 00:09:09,333 --> 00:09:12,400 [laughter] 209 00:09:12,433 --> 00:09:14,367 NO GIRL WANTS THAT. WE DON'T WANT THAT. 210 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:15,867 WE'RE LAZIER THAN YOU. 211 00:09:15,900 --> 00:09:17,067 IF IT WERE UP TO ME, 212 00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:18,333 THE CLEANUP WOULD BE ME TAKING A Q-TIP 213 00:09:18,367 --> 00:09:21,533 GOING, BOOP, ASLEEP. THAT'S IT. 214 00:09:21,567 --> 00:09:25,267 INSTEAD I WAS LIKE, "I'VE BEEN SLIMED." 215 00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:28,133 [laughter] 216 00:09:28,167 --> 00:09:31,800 "I FEEL LIKE A CONTESTANT ON DOUBLE DARE RIGHT NOW." 217 00:09:31,833 --> 00:09:35,300 [laughter and applause] 218 00:09:38,467 --> 00:09:42,567 LET ME JUST GET THIS SELF-WORTH OFF ME REAL QUICK. 219 00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,067 THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE PORN. 220 00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:47,167 WELL, I LIKE TO WATCH PORN. 221 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:48,833 LIKE, WHAT GIRLS IN HERE LIKE PORN? 222 00:09:48,867 --> 00:09:49,833 [women cheer] 223 00:09:49,867 --> 00:09:51,167 THANK YOU. I LOVE IT. 224 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:52,933 ALL THE--ALL THE WHORES ARE IN THE FRONT. 225 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,933 THIS IS THE BEST. 226 00:09:54,967 --> 00:09:59,600 GIRLS IN THE BACK ARE, LIKE, READING BOOKS. 227 00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:03,133 THEY'RE LIKE, "50 SHADES OF WHAT?" 228 00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,933 THAT REFERENCE WILL NOT BE FUNNY 229 00:10:04,967 --> 00:10:06,367 BY THE TIME THIS SHOW COMES OUT. 230 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,633 PEOPLE WILL BE LIKE, "WHAT A HACK. 231 00:10:08,667 --> 00:10:10,233 OH, GOD." 232 00:10:10,267 --> 00:10:11,933 MORE REFERENCES ABOUT RIGHT NOW, 233 00:10:11,967 --> 00:10:14,367 HOW 'BOUT SANDUSKY-- NO. 234 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:15,800 [laughter] 235 00:10:15,833 --> 00:10:20,800 WASTING EVERYONE'S TIME IN THE EDITING ROOM. 236 00:10:20,833 --> 00:10:22,600 SO, YEAH, I LIKE PORN. 237 00:10:22,633 --> 00:10:24,800 I LIKE THAT CASTING DIRECTOR ONE, THAT'S FUNNY. 238 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:28,233 HE NEVER FINDS THE RIGHT GIRL. 239 00:10:28,267 --> 00:10:30,333 WHAT DO THESE GIRLS HAVE TO DO? 240 00:10:30,367 --> 00:10:32,200 I DON'T LIKE TO WATCH THE END OF PORN. 241 00:10:32,233 --> 00:10:34,100 I DON'T LIKE TO WATCH THE END OF ANY PORN 242 00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:36,667 'CAUSE GUESS WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW 243 00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:38,300 EVERY TIME. 244 00:10:38,333 --> 00:10:40,667 SPOILER ALERT, HE CUMS ON HER FACE. 245 00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:46,600 OH, WHAT AN AMAZING CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN ADVENTURE. 246 00:10:46,633 --> 00:10:49,433 THAT ALWAYS ENDS EXACTLY THE SAME. 247 00:10:49,467 --> 00:10:51,867 THERE'S NEVER A TWIST, RIGHT? 248 00:10:51,900 --> 00:10:53,300 HE'S NEVER LIKE-- THE GUY IS HAVING SEX WITH HER, 249 00:10:53,333 --> 00:10:55,000 AND HE LOOKS OFF CAMERA IN HER BACKPACK, HE'S LIKE, 250 00:10:55,033 --> 00:11:00,633 "OH, ARE YOU READING THAT NICHOLAS SPARKS BOOK TOO? 251 00:11:00,667 --> 00:11:03,667 "OH, MY GOD. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? 252 00:11:03,700 --> 00:11:05,633 LET'S START A BED AND BREAKFAST TOGETHER." 253 00:11:05,667 --> 00:11:07,633 NO. 254 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:10,167 HE JUST CUMS ON HER HEAD. 255 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:14,100 WE DON'T WANNA SEE THAT. I DON'T WANT-- 256 00:11:14,133 --> 00:11:15,533 'CAUSE WE THINK ABOUT THAT GIRL. 257 00:11:15,567 --> 00:11:17,367 LIKE, THAT POOR GIRL, 258 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,733 AND WE KNOW, AS SOON AS THE DIRECTOR YELLS "CUT," 259 00:11:19,767 --> 00:11:21,833 THAT SHE'S JUST STUMBLING AROUND LIKE HELEN KELLER 260 00:11:21,867 --> 00:11:24,567 LOOKING FOR A TOWEL, JUST WHERE-- 261 00:11:27,633 --> 00:11:28,733 "DID YOU GUYS GO TO LUNCH? 262 00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:33,067 "THIS ISN'T COOL. 263 00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:36,367 YOU PROMISE THIS IS GOOD FOR MY SKIN?" 264 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,700 [laughter] 265 00:11:42,367 --> 00:11:43,633 THAT'S SO FUNNY. 266 00:11:43,667 --> 00:11:45,133 AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER WALKED IN THE AUDIENCE 267 00:11:45,167 --> 00:11:46,833 DURING THEIR SPECIAL? 268 00:11:46,867 --> 00:11:48,833 THREE LITTLE ASIAN CHICKS WERE JUST LIKE... 269 00:11:48,867 --> 00:11:50,800 [laughter] 270 00:11:54,833 --> 00:11:56,300 AND THAT'S NOT RACIST, THAT'S JUST-- 271 00:11:56,333 --> 00:11:58,767 I'M JUST SAYING THAT THAT'S HOW ALL ASIAN PEOPLE WALK. 272 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,300 JUST VERY CREEPY. 273 00:12:00,333 --> 00:12:03,367 I KNOW I'M IN SAN FRAN. I SHOULD WATCH MY BACK. 274 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:08,900 BUT, UH, I THINK I COULD TAKE THOSE GIRLS. 275 00:12:08,933 --> 00:12:10,400 THAT WAS FUNNY, I WAS WATCHING THEM. 276 00:12:10,433 --> 00:12:12,533 LIKE, EVERY TIME I REFERENCED SEMEN, THEY WERE JUST LIKE, 277 00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:15,033 "OH, NO." 278 00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,433 YES. 279 00:12:17,467 --> 00:12:20,900 [laughter] 280 00:12:20,933 --> 00:12:23,200 IT'S NOT FOR SHOCK VALUE. THIS HAPPENS, RIGHT? 281 00:12:23,233 --> 00:12:24,700 COME ON, YOU GUYS, 282 00:12:24,733 --> 00:12:27,000 WE'VE ALL TAKEN A LOAD SOMEWHERE WE'RE NOT PROUD OF. 283 00:12:27,033 --> 00:12:28,167 SO... 284 00:12:31,467 --> 00:12:33,467 LIKE, MY MOM'S HERE. 285 00:12:33,500 --> 00:12:37,800 UM... 286 00:12:37,833 --> 00:12:39,967 SO THE GUY I WAS DATING, HE WAS, LIKE, SO LAZY. 287 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,533 HE WAS ONE OF THOSE DUDES, LIKE, HE WOULDN'T GO DOWN ON ME. 288 00:12:42,567 --> 00:12:45,900 I HAD TO BECOME A CLIMBER EVERY TIME, YOU KNOW. 289 00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:46,967 HEAD UP THERE, 290 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,133 JUST HOLDING ON TO THE HEADBOARD 291 00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:51,733 LIKE A NOSY NEIGHBOR PEEKING OVER THE FENCE. 292 00:12:51,767 --> 00:12:53,667 I FEEL LIKE WILSON FROM HOME IMPROVEMENT. 293 00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:59,500 I'M LIKE, "HEY, TOOL MAN, WHAT'S, UH..." 294 00:12:59,533 --> 00:13:01,267 THAT WAS EMBARRASSING UP THERE, 295 00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:02,967 THAT'S THE WORST DISMOUNT IN THE BIZ, 296 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:06,467 I DON'T CARE HOW YOU SLICE IT. 297 00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:07,967 SO I'M, LIKE, SINGLE NOW, I'M DATING. 298 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,433 I SUCK AT DATING. 299 00:13:09,467 --> 00:13:10,800 I GO OUT WITH THESE GUYS. 300 00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:12,800 THIS GUY WANTED TO GO DANCING THE OTHER NIGHT. 301 00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:14,933 LIKE, HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GUY WHO'S TRYING TO DATE YOU 302 00:13:14,967 --> 00:13:16,067 BE LIKE, "LET'S DANCE"? 303 00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:17,333 IT'S LIKE, "UH, I DON'T KNOW." 304 00:13:17,367 --> 00:13:18,767 I'M LIKE, "IT'S--" 305 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,533 I'M LIKE, "LOOK, I THINK YOU WANNA GO TO THE PARADE." 306 00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:24,333 [laughter] 307 00:13:24,367 --> 00:13:26,767 AND IT'S ALSO 'CAUSE I'M THE WORST DANCER. 308 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:29,533 I DANCE LIKE YOUR-- LIKE YOUR AUNT AT A WEDDING. 309 00:13:29,567 --> 00:13:31,500 LIKE, EVERY MOVE I DO, I'M SURPRISING MYSELF. 310 00:13:31,533 --> 00:13:32,533 I'M JUST LIKE, 311 00:13:32,567 --> 00:13:35,733 "OH, WH--WHAT? 312 00:13:35,767 --> 00:13:37,400 "WHOA, WHOA. 313 00:13:37,433 --> 00:13:41,633 NOBODY SAW IT GOING THIS WAY." 314 00:13:41,667 --> 00:13:44,967 EVERYBODY SAW IT GOING THAT WAY. 315 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,100 IT'S SO AWFUL. SO I'M, LIKE, DATING NOW. 316 00:13:47,133 --> 00:13:48,100 I'M, LIKE, GOING ON DATES. 317 00:13:48,133 --> 00:13:49,533 WHENEVER I START SEEING SOMEONE, 318 00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:52,133 I'M LIKE THIS ALTERNATE VERSION OF MYSELF. 319 00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:53,700 IT'S JUST LIKE-- I'M JUST LIKE, 320 00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:55,833 YOU KNOW, TRYING TO BE SUPER COOL NEW GIRL. 321 00:13:55,867 --> 00:13:57,533 I'M LIKE, "LET ME JUST SWEEP THIS CRAZY UNDER THE RUG 322 00:13:57,567 --> 00:13:58,967 "FOR A COUPLE MONTHS, 323 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,233 "YOU DON'T NEED TO-- YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE THIS 324 00:14:01,267 --> 00:14:04,100 TILL MONTH THREE." 325 00:14:04,133 --> 00:14:06,100 I WENT ON A DATE WITH A GUY RECENTLY, 326 00:14:06,133 --> 00:14:07,667 AND HE WAS, LIKE, REALLY HOT. 327 00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:10,700 SO I WAS PRETENDING TO BE A GOOD PERSON, YOU KNOW. 328 00:14:10,733 --> 00:14:11,867 I WAS SAYING THINGS LIKE, 329 00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:14,167 "I LOVE KIDS, AND I'M NOT RACIST." 330 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,200 [laughter] 331 00:14:16,233 --> 00:14:18,933 JUST VAGUE LIES. 332 00:14:18,967 --> 00:14:21,033 AND YOU HAVE TO, LIKE, PRETEND LIKE YOU WANNA USE A CONDOM. 333 00:14:21,067 --> 00:14:23,967 I LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING FUN WHEN I BRING IT UP, BUT HONEST. 334 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,600 I'LL BE LIKE, "YOU'RE GONNA WANNA WEAR THIS. 335 00:14:25,633 --> 00:14:27,300 I'VE HAD BUSY MONTH." 336 00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:30,433 [laughter and groans] 337 00:14:34,733 --> 00:14:36,533 "IT'S LIKE A PETRI DISH RIGHT NOW. 338 00:14:36,567 --> 00:14:40,267 I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING." 339 00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:42,467 PEOPLE ARE SO UPSET ABOUT MY VAGINA RIGHT NOW. 340 00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:43,467 THEY'RE LIKE, "NO!" 341 00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:45,100 HERE--BUT THIS GUY, WE WENT OUT, 342 00:14:45,133 --> 00:14:46,233 AND HE WAS LIKE-- 343 00:14:46,267 --> 00:14:47,433 YOU CAN TELL WHEN A GUY DATES A LOT. 344 00:14:47,467 --> 00:14:49,233 HE HAD, LIKE, DATE QUESTIONS. 345 00:14:49,267 --> 00:14:51,200 HE WAS LIKE, "IF YOU COULD HAVE LUNCH WITH ANYBODY, 346 00:14:51,233 --> 00:14:53,433 LIVING OR DEAD, WHO WOULD IT BE?" 347 00:14:53,467 --> 00:14:54,467 I THOUGHT ABOUT IT. 348 00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:55,633 I ANSWERED HONESTLY, I WAS LIKE, 349 00:14:55,667 --> 00:14:57,400 "MARK TWAIN. I THINK HE WAS HILARIOUS." 350 00:14:57,433 --> 00:15:02,500 AND HE GOES, "PFFT, AMY, IT'S GOT TO BE SOMEBODY REAL." 351 00:15:02,533 --> 00:15:05,133 [laughter] 352 00:15:05,167 --> 00:15:07,300 I WAS LIKE, "OH, YOU'RE LEGIT RETARDED. 353 00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:10,400 "THAT'S SO CUTE. 354 00:15:10,433 --> 00:15:14,533 I'M GONNA SLEEP WITH A RETARDED PERSON." 355 00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:18,867 I DID. 356 00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:22,300 SO I'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD A LOT LATELY, 357 00:15:22,333 --> 00:15:24,000 AND EVERY TOWN I GO TO, YOU HAVE TO DO, LIKE, 358 00:15:24,033 --> 00:15:25,867 LOCAL PRESS, YOU KNOW. 359 00:15:25,900 --> 00:15:27,600 THE, LIKE, GREENVILLE WHO GIVES A SHIT. 360 00:15:27,633 --> 00:15:29,333 LIKE EVERYBODY HAS A PAPER. 361 00:15:29,367 --> 00:15:32,500 AND THEY ALL ASK THE SAME QUESTIONS EVERY WEEK. 362 00:15:32,533 --> 00:15:33,667 THEY ASK ME THE SAME EXACT QUESTION. 363 00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:35,100 THEY'RE JUST LIKE, 364 00:15:35,133 --> 00:15:38,500 "WHAT'S THE HARDEST PART ABOUT BEING A FEMALE COMEDIAN? 365 00:15:38,533 --> 00:15:39,800 "WHAT IS IT? 366 00:15:39,833 --> 00:15:40,900 WHAT'S THE HARDEST PART?" 367 00:15:40,933 --> 00:15:42,400 AND, LIKE, WHAT WOULD YOU GUESS? 368 00:15:42,433 --> 00:15:43,567 - UM... 369 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,333 - WELL, IT'S THE RAPE. 370 00:15:45,367 --> 00:15:48,000 [laughter] 371 00:15:55,067 --> 00:15:57,833 THE THREE ASIAN CHICKS JUST WALKED BACK IN HERE, 372 00:15:57,867 --> 00:15:59,033 AND I SAID THAT, AND THEY WENT... 373 00:15:59,067 --> 00:16:03,900 [laughter] 374 00:16:03,933 --> 00:16:06,533 NO, BUT IT IS. IT'S ALL THE RAPINGS. 375 00:16:06,567 --> 00:16:08,133 NO--BUT THEY ASK-- THEY'RE JUST LIKE-- 376 00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:09,167 AND I GUESS IT'S A NORMAL QUESTION, 377 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:10,500 "IS IT HARDER FOR FEMALE COMICS? 378 00:16:10,533 --> 00:16:11,700 IS IT HARDER?" 379 00:16:11,733 --> 00:16:12,700 AND IT'S NOT. 380 00:16:12,733 --> 00:16:13,933 LIKE, THEY THINK WE JUST GET UP HERE 381 00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:15,667 AND JUST BLEED ALL OVER THE STAGE. 382 00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:17,700 I'M JUST, "OH, MY OVARIES. 383 00:16:17,733 --> 00:16:21,667 HOW DO I KEEP THEM IN MY BODY?" 384 00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:23,367 LIKE, IT'S TOTALLY NOT HARDER. 385 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,533 IT'S HARDER TO BE A CHICK IN GENERAL, FOR SURE. 386 00:16:26,567 --> 00:16:28,833 THAT SUCKS. THAT'S NOT FUN. 387 00:16:28,867 --> 00:16:30,633 RIGHT? RIGHT, GIRLS? 388 00:16:30,667 --> 00:16:32,100 NO, IT IS. IT SUCKS. 389 00:16:32,133 --> 00:16:33,467 JUST IN TERMS OF LAZINESS. 390 00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:35,533 LIKE, LOOK AT THE GUYS YOU'RE HERE WITH TONIGHT, OKAY? 391 00:16:35,567 --> 00:16:37,300 SOME OF THEM BANGABLE, NOT ALL OF THEM. 392 00:16:37,333 --> 00:16:38,867 LET'S BE REAL. 393 00:16:38,900 --> 00:16:42,400 LET'S KEEP IT HONEST, OKAY? 394 00:16:42,433 --> 00:16:45,500 BUT, LIKE, WHAT DID YOU DO TO GET READY, YOU KNOW? 395 00:16:45,533 --> 00:16:47,500 LIKE, HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO GET READY? 396 00:16:47,533 --> 00:16:50,767 YOU DIDN'T GET READY IS THE ANSWER. 397 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:53,567 GUYS DON'T DO SHIT. 398 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:54,867 THEY PUT A SHIRT ON, 399 00:16:54,900 --> 00:16:56,100 GIVE THEMSELVES ONE OF THESE IN THE MIRROR, 400 00:16:56,133 --> 00:16:57,300 THEY'RE OUT. 401 00:16:57,333 --> 00:16:59,333 [laughter and applause] 402 00:16:59,367 --> 00:17:01,100 THEY'RE LIKE, "I DID IT, BRO. 403 00:17:01,133 --> 00:17:03,167 I FUCKING DID IT." 404 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:07,333 "WHAT DID YOU DO?" 405 00:17:07,367 --> 00:17:09,000 SOME GUYS TAKE A LITTLE MORE TIME. 406 00:17:09,033 --> 00:17:10,833 I DATED A GUY FROM PHILLY FOR A WHILE. 407 00:17:10,867 --> 00:17:12,267 IS ANYBODY HERE FROM PHILADELPHIA? 408 00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:13,300 [scattered cheering] YEAH? 409 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,167 OKAY, SOME SASSY BABES. 410 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,367 NO DUDES THOUGH. 411 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:17,667 BUT TELL ME IF I'M RIGHT ABOUT THIS. 412 00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:18,800 WELL, JUST AGREE, 413 00:17:18,833 --> 00:17:20,700 'CAUSE THIS IS FOR MY TV SPECIAL. 414 00:17:20,733 --> 00:17:22,767 [laughter] 415 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,900 LIKE, THOSE DUDES WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH 416 00:17:24,933 --> 00:17:27,300 WITH A SACK OF BATTERIES, 417 00:17:27,333 --> 00:17:29,367 BUT THEY GET THEIR EYEBROWS WAXED. 418 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,567 YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY I'M TALKING ABOUT? 419 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:34,867 I WAS AT A MET GAME-- THANK YOU. 420 00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:38,000 AND, UH, IT'S WAS METS, PHILLIES, 421 00:17:38,033 --> 00:17:40,033 AND I'M SITTING BEHIND THIRD BASE. 422 00:17:40,067 --> 00:17:43,300 AND THESE HUGE PHILLY MEATHEADS ARE HECKLING DAVID WRIGHT. 423 00:17:43,333 --> 00:17:45,233 THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU SUCK, WRIGHT. YOU'RE THE WORST. 424 00:17:45,267 --> 00:17:46,433 WE HATE YOU." 425 00:17:46,467 --> 00:17:49,867 AND SO I SAID, "YOU'RE VERY ATTRACTIVE!" 426 00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:53,533 AND THE BIGGEST ONE OF THEM GOES, "TRUE." 427 00:17:53,567 --> 00:17:54,967 [laughter] 428 00:18:00,533 --> 00:18:02,500 BUT MOST GUYS DON'T DO SHIT. 429 00:18:02,533 --> 00:18:04,300 LIKE, LOOK AT THE SHIRTS YOU GUYS ARE WEARING. 430 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,067 EVERY ONE OF YOU THAT I CAN SEE, YOU COULD HAVE WORN THAT 431 00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:08,067 WHEN YOU WERE A TODDLER ON PICTURE DAY. 432 00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:09,167 EVERY ONE. 433 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,433 NO DIFFERENCE, CHECK IT OUT. 434 00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,467 BUT LOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS YOU'RE WITH. 435 00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:16,300 LOOK AT-- IT'S SO MUCH WORK FOR US. 436 00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:19,233 IT TAKES ME 90 MINUTES TO LOOK THIS MEDIOCRE. 437 00:18:19,267 --> 00:18:22,433 90 MINUTES. 438 00:18:22,467 --> 00:18:24,733 TONIGHT IT TOOK EIGHT HOURS, OKAY? 439 00:18:24,767 --> 00:18:26,633 I SLEPT SITTING UP, I SLEPT LIKE THIS. 440 00:18:26,667 --> 00:18:28,300 IT'S SO MUCH WORK. 441 00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:30,200 OH, WE'RE LIKE CLOWNS. 442 00:18:30,233 --> 00:18:32,367 WE ARE CIRCUS FREAKS, WOMEN, WE ARE. 443 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:36,033 WE--WE PUT PAINT ON OUR FACES LIKE WARRIORS. 444 00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,700 WE'RE-- I'M WEARING STILTS. 445 00:18:37,733 --> 00:18:40,033 WE WEAR STILTS, WE WEAR HEELS ALL NIGHT. 446 00:18:40,067 --> 00:18:42,033 AND WE PUT A STRING IN OUR BUTT HOLES, JUST... 447 00:18:42,067 --> 00:18:44,867 [imitates circus music] 448 00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:49,433 "AH, AM I PRETTY?" 449 00:18:49,467 --> 00:18:51,367 WE WEAR JEWELRY, SHINY SHIT-- 450 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,000 "LOOK OVER HERE, FOLLOW ME TO THE ALTAR." 451 00:18:53,033 --> 00:18:55,267 [imitates circus music] 452 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,267 [laughter] 453 00:18:58,300 --> 00:18:59,700 UGH. 454 00:18:59,733 --> 00:19:03,033 IT SUCKS. IT SUCKS. 455 00:19:03,067 --> 00:19:04,400 I THINK AS A WOMAN AS YOU GET OLDER, 456 00:19:04,433 --> 00:19:06,767 YOU GET LAZIER JUST BY LOOKING AROUND. 457 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,900 [laughter] 458 00:19:09,933 --> 00:19:12,267 NO, I JUST-- I WORK IN VEGAS A LOT. 459 00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:15,567 THAT DOESN'T SOUND AWESOME. 460 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,567 BUT I DO STAND-UP IN VEGAS A LOT, 461 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,767 AND I SEE THESE PACKS OF YOUNG GIRLS 462 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,800 THAT STILL HAVE THE ENERGY, YOU KNOW. 463 00:19:21,833 --> 00:19:24,967 JUST A PACK OF GIRLS ALL WEARING TUBE DRESSES, RIGHT? 464 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,967 AND JUST--THE HEELS THEY CAN'T HANDLE. 465 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,200 THEY HAVE TO HOLD EACH OTHER AND DO, LIKE, WIZARD OF OZ WALK, 466 00:19:30,233 --> 00:19:33,933 CHAIN GANG KIND OF... 467 00:19:33,967 --> 00:19:35,367 THEY ALL LOOK IDENTICAL. 468 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,400 IT LOOKS LIKE A WHORE COMPUTER JUST SHOT OUT A PROTOTYPE, 469 00:19:37,433 --> 00:19:39,267 AND THEY JUST STARTED WALKING. 470 00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:42,600 "TONIGHT, TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT, YOU GUYS." 471 00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:47,100 I LIKE SEEING THEM AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, 472 00:19:47,133 --> 00:19:49,300 YOU KNOW, LIKE IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. 473 00:19:49,333 --> 00:19:51,700 THEY'RE CARRYING THEIR HEELS. 474 00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:53,367 THEY'RE CRYING THEIR MAKEUP OFF. 475 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:54,633 IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE MELTING. 476 00:19:54,667 --> 00:19:56,200 "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE PICK ME?" 477 00:19:56,233 --> 00:20:01,200 "UM, YOU HAVE PUKE ON YOUR TUBE, AMBER." 478 00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:05,733 [laughter] 479 00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:07,100 IT'S ALL WORK. 480 00:20:07,133 --> 00:20:09,033 IT'S WORK HAVING A VAGINA, THAT'S WORK. 481 00:20:09,067 --> 00:20:11,833 GUYS DON'T THINK THAT IT'S WORK, BUT IT IS. 482 00:20:11,867 --> 00:20:13,667 YOU THINK IT JUST SHOWS UP LIKE THAT TO THE EVENT? 483 00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:16,333 IT DOESN'T. 484 00:20:16,367 --> 00:20:17,667 EVERY NIGHT, IT'S LIKE GETTING IT READY 485 00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:21,100 FOR ITS FIRST QUINCEANERA, BELIEVE ME. 486 00:20:21,133 --> 00:20:22,900 [laughter] 487 00:20:22,933 --> 00:20:26,433 GETS AN UPDO, IT CRIES. 488 00:20:26,467 --> 00:20:27,767 IT'S A LOT OF WORK. 489 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,333 IT DIDN'T USED TO BE WORK. 490 00:20:29,367 --> 00:20:31,067 I KNOW THAT FROM WATCHING VINTAGE PORN. 491 00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:34,200 IT WAS NO WORK. 492 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,833 ZERO. 493 00:20:35,867 --> 00:20:38,733 I EVEN--I REMEMBER MY MOM BOTTOMLESS WHEN I WAS A KID. 494 00:20:38,767 --> 00:20:42,533 AND IT WAS JUST, POOF! 495 00:20:42,567 --> 00:20:44,700 IT LOOKED LIKE THE BLACK SMOKE MONSTER FROM LOST 496 00:20:44,733 --> 00:20:46,333 WAS JUST FOLLOWING HER. 497 00:20:46,367 --> 00:20:50,533 [imitates smoke monster] 498 00:20:50,567 --> 00:20:53,400 IT'S LIKE, "IS MOM BEING SWARMED BY BEES? 499 00:20:53,433 --> 00:20:54,867 "WHAT IS... 500 00:20:54,900 --> 00:20:57,300 "IS THAT A TUMBLEWEED? 501 00:20:57,333 --> 00:20:59,833 WE'RE NOT EVEN IN THE WEST." 502 00:21:01,733 --> 00:21:03,833 AND THEN SOMETHING HAPPENED, I DON'T KNOW. 503 00:21:03,867 --> 00:21:05,500 LIKE, 10, 15 YEARS AGO, 504 00:21:05,533 --> 00:21:08,067 ALL THE DUDES GOT TOGETHER AND HAD, LIKE, A MEETING. 505 00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:11,900 LIKE A FANTASY FOOTBALL DRAFT ABOUT OUR PRIVATES. 506 00:21:11,933 --> 00:21:13,567 THEY WERE LIKE, "WE CAN'T GET IN THERE, 507 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,633 "IT'S LIKE VIETNAM TRYING TO... 508 00:21:16,667 --> 00:21:19,100 WHAT DO WE DO?" 509 00:21:19,133 --> 00:21:20,800 AND THEN THEY JUST CAME TO US, AND THEY WERE JUST LIKE, 510 00:21:20,833 --> 00:21:24,433 "LADIES, WOULD YOU MIND 511 00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:27,833 LOOKING LIKE BABIES AGAIN?" 512 00:21:30,900 --> 00:21:34,267 AND WE WERE LIKE, "UH, LIKE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 513 00:21:34,300 --> 00:21:38,233 JUST CLEAN UP THE SIDES A LITTLE BIT OR..." 514 00:21:38,267 --> 00:21:41,267 "THE WHOLE ENCHILADA." 515 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:45,733 AND WE WERE LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'S NOT SUPER WEIRD." 516 00:21:45,767 --> 00:21:48,167 SO NOW WE GO, WE GET IT DONE. 517 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:49,967 WE HAVE TO GO GET IT DONE. 518 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:51,467 UGH, YEAH, LIKE, THAT DOES--SHE-- 519 00:21:51,500 --> 00:21:52,667 WE GO AND GET IT DONE, GUYS. 520 00:21:52,700 --> 00:21:53,833 LIKE, IT DOESN'T JUST HAPPEN. 521 00:21:53,867 --> 00:21:55,200 I DON'T CARE HOW COOL YOUR GIRL IS, 522 00:21:55,233 --> 00:21:56,867 SHE DOESN'T HAVE, LIKE, ALOPECIA OF THE CROTCH, 523 00:21:56,900 --> 00:22:00,733 IT JUST FALLS OUT IN THE SHAPE OF YOUR INITIALS. 524 00:22:00,767 --> 00:22:02,833 THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS. 525 00:22:05,167 --> 00:22:07,467 IT'S NOT HOW IT GOES DOWN, NO. 526 00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:09,267 WE GET IT DONE. 527 00:22:09,300 --> 00:22:10,767 WE HAVE TO GO SEE A WOMAN, 528 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:15,267 USUALLY FROM A THIRD-WORLD COUNTRY. 529 00:22:15,300 --> 00:22:16,800 IT'S NEVER FROM, LIKE-- 530 00:22:16,833 --> 00:22:18,300 LIKE, IT'S NEVER ME THAT COMES AND GETS YOU 531 00:22:18,333 --> 00:22:19,633 FROM THE WAITING ROOM. 532 00:22:19,667 --> 00:22:21,167 LIKE, I'LL NEVER BE LIKE, "HI, I'M ASHLEY. 533 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:22,400 I'M HERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR PUSSY." 534 00:22:22,433 --> 00:22:27,467 LIKE, NO. 535 00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:28,567 "PUSSY!" 536 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,067 NO, IT'S NOT-- 537 00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:32,500 THAT'S NOT HOW IT GOES. 538 00:22:32,533 --> 00:22:34,467 LIKE, THE CHICK WHO DOES IT TO ME IN NEW YORK, 539 00:22:34,500 --> 00:22:36,833 I THINK SHE'S FROM, LIKE, THE KILLING FIELDS OF CAMBODIA. 540 00:22:36,867 --> 00:22:38,667 LIKE, THIS POOR WOMAN-- 541 00:22:38,700 --> 00:22:42,433 I CAN TELL, LIKE, SHE HAS SEEN SOME SHIT, YOU KNOW? 542 00:22:42,467 --> 00:22:44,800 [laughter] 543 00:22:44,833 --> 00:22:46,167 SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH IT, 544 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:49,800 AND SHE WAS, LIKE, A DOCTOR THERE. 545 00:22:49,833 --> 00:22:53,800 AND NOW SHE DOES THIS, AND SHE HATES ME. 546 00:22:53,833 --> 00:22:55,033 AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN HIDE IT. 547 00:22:55,067 --> 00:22:56,500 I WALK IN, SHE'S LIKE, "UGH." 548 00:22:56,533 --> 00:22:59,700 I'M LIKE, "UH, SORRY." 549 00:22:59,733 --> 00:23:02,033 BUT SHE SHOULD, SHE SHOULD HATE ME BECAUSE I'M LIKE-- 550 00:23:02,067 --> 00:23:03,967 WE'RE THE WORST, WHITE, ENTITLED GIRLS. 551 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,033 I WALK IN CHEWING GUM, I'M ON MY PHONE. 552 00:23:06,067 --> 00:23:09,167 I'M JUST LIKE... 553 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,433 I'M LIKE, "DON'T GET ANY WAX ON MY NEW UGGS." 554 00:23:11,467 --> 00:23:16,367 WHAT?" 555 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:19,233 SHE'S LIKE, "MY PARENTS WERE MURDERED IN FRONT OF ME." 556 00:23:19,267 --> 00:23:24,567 I'M LIKE, "I'M ON THE PHONE. WHAT? 557 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:27,900 IT'S ABOUT TRUE BLOOD. GIVE ME ONE SEC." 558 00:23:27,933 --> 00:23:29,767 SHE HATES ME, BUT SHE WINS. 559 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,467 LIKE, THOSE CHICKS WIN EVERY TIME 'CAUSE WHAT THEY DO, 560 00:23:32,500 --> 00:23:33,767 AND I ALWAYS FORGET THIS, THEY GO-- 561 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:38,667 SHE GOES AND GETS A MIRROR, AND SHE SHOWS IT TO ME. 562 00:23:38,700 --> 00:23:41,867 SHE SHOWS ME MY OWN VAGINA. 563 00:23:41,900 --> 00:23:45,200 AND I HAVE TO ACT LIKE I'M NOT HORRIFIED. 564 00:23:45,233 --> 00:23:47,200 [laughter] 565 00:23:47,233 --> 00:23:49,967 AND I'M HORRIFIED. 566 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,900 IT'S THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD. 567 00:23:51,933 --> 00:23:53,933 AND WHAT SHE'S SAYING IN THAT MOMENT IS, 568 00:23:53,967 --> 00:23:57,533 "ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, YOU DUMB BITCH? 569 00:23:57,567 --> 00:24:01,933 "YOU JUST PAID ME TO ASSAULT YOU. 570 00:24:01,967 --> 00:24:03,967 "AND NOW YOU LOOK LIKE A TODDLER. 571 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:08,100 IS THAT WHAT-- IS THAT COOL, YEAH?" 572 00:24:08,133 --> 00:24:09,567 THAT'S NOT COOL. 573 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:11,167 IT'S THE WORST THING YOU'LL EVER SEE IN YOUR LIFE. 574 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:14,333 IT'S RED. IT LOOKS ANGRY. 575 00:24:14,367 --> 00:24:15,967 IT LOOKS LIKE AN OLD MAN FROWNING. 576 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,367 JUST, "NO!" 577 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,633 [laughter] 578 00:24:20,667 --> 00:24:23,967 "VISIT ME! 579 00:24:28,067 --> 00:24:29,367 BIRDS!" 580 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,133 I DON'T KNOW, OLD PEOPLE LIKE BIRDS, RIGHT? 581 00:24:31,167 --> 00:24:32,367 I DON'T KNOW. 582 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:34,500 THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, "OH, LOOK, A BIRD." 583 00:24:34,533 --> 00:24:38,533 UGH, SO MUCH WORK. 584 00:24:38,567 --> 00:24:41,933 I THINK GUYS HAVE IT EASIER, I'M NOT SURE. 585 00:24:41,967 --> 00:24:44,533 WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK? YEAH, YOU DO? 586 00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:46,933 DID YOU EVER SEE AN UNCIRCUMCISED PENIS? 587 00:24:46,967 --> 00:24:48,867 YOU DID? DID YOU KNOW-- 588 00:24:48,900 --> 00:24:50,233 DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE GONNA SEE IT? 589 00:24:50,267 --> 00:24:53,100 NO, IT'S ALWAYS A FUCKING SURPRISE PARTY, RIGHT? 590 00:24:53,133 --> 00:24:54,900 [laughter] 591 00:24:54,933 --> 00:24:56,433 IT'S A BIG-- IT'S HIM, RIGHT? 592 00:24:56,467 --> 00:24:59,167 IT'S HIM. 593 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:00,833 WAIT, HERE'S THE FUNNIEST THING. 594 00:25:00,867 --> 00:25:02,800 I'M SORRY THAT EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT YOUR PENIS NOW. 595 00:25:02,833 --> 00:25:04,333 BUT HERE'S THE BEST PART, 596 00:25:04,367 --> 00:25:06,567 HE'S WEARING A SHIRT THAT SAYS BROWNCOATS. 597 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:11,167 NOW IF THAT'S NOT FUNNY-- 598 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,367 AND THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR PENIS 599 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:16,667 IS WEARING A LITTLE BROWN COAT, 600 00:25:16,700 --> 00:25:19,300 IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE. 601 00:25:19,333 --> 00:25:21,133 YOU JUST--NOBODY EVER TELLS YOU, RIGHT? 602 00:25:21,167 --> 00:25:22,800 HE DIDN'T TELL YOU. THEY DON'T TELL YOU SHIT. 603 00:25:22,833 --> 00:25:23,900 THEY'RE JUST LIKE, BOOM, 604 00:25:23,933 --> 00:25:26,300 REUNITED WITH SNUFFLEUPAGUS, ENJOY. 605 00:25:26,333 --> 00:25:29,067 ENJOY. 606 00:25:29,100 --> 00:25:30,633 YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE. 607 00:25:30,667 --> 00:25:32,200 WHY DON'T THEY TELL US? 608 00:25:32,233 --> 00:25:33,600 TELL--TELL ME. 609 00:25:33,633 --> 00:25:35,533 WE HAVE TO BECOME AWARD-WINNING ACTRESSES. 610 00:25:35,567 --> 00:25:36,767 LIKE, "OH, NO. THAT'S TOTALLY COOL. 611 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:40,100 "MOM, CAN YOU COME PICK ME UP? 612 00:25:40,133 --> 00:25:44,167 "I DON'T KNOW, IT'S WEARING, LIKE, A HAT OR, LIKE, A CAPE. 613 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,900 LIKE, A BROWN COAT TYPE THING." 614 00:25:46,933 --> 00:25:48,967 [laughter] 615 00:25:52,833 --> 00:25:54,333 WHY DON'T THEY TELL US? 616 00:25:54,367 --> 00:25:57,000 I WOULD TELL YOU IF I HAD AN EXTRA FLAP OVER MY CLITORIS. 617 00:25:57,033 --> 00:26:01,700 I'D GIVE YOU A HEADS UP, I WOULD. 618 00:26:01,733 --> 00:26:06,400 I'D BE LIKE, "YOU'RE GONNA ENCOUNTER A WIZARD, KEEP GOING. 619 00:26:06,433 --> 00:26:09,200 "GO. 620 00:26:09,233 --> 00:26:10,800 TAKE THIS COMPASS." 621 00:26:10,833 --> 00:26:13,600 I'D MAKE IT EXCITING, 622 00:26:13,633 --> 00:26:14,667 PLAY THE MUSIC FROM ZELDA. 623 00:26:14,700 --> 00:26:17,833 IT'D BE GREAT. 624 00:26:17,867 --> 00:26:19,533 MEN DON'T CARE, THEY DON'T TELL YOU. 625 00:26:19,567 --> 00:26:24,233 I HOOKED UP WITH A GUY ONE TIME THAT HAD NO TESTICLES. 626 00:26:24,267 --> 00:26:29,567 COUNT THEM, ZERO "TESTICALO." 627 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:30,867 YOU THINK HE BROUGHT THAT UP AT DINNER? 628 00:26:30,900 --> 00:26:31,900 'CAUSE HE DIDN'T. 629 00:26:31,933 --> 00:26:36,467 I GOT TO FIND OUT IN REAL TIME. 630 00:26:36,500 --> 00:26:38,033 IT WAS DARK IN THE ROOM. 631 00:26:38,067 --> 00:26:41,133 LET ME PAINT THE ROMANTIC PICTURE HERE. 632 00:26:41,167 --> 00:26:44,267 AND I WENT RIGHT TO THE SPOT I KNOW THEM TO ALWAYS BE, 633 00:26:44,300 --> 00:26:47,800 NO GPS NECESSARY. 634 00:26:47,833 --> 00:26:50,900 I PICKED UP THE MAIN EVENT AND NOTH-- 635 00:26:50,933 --> 00:26:52,400 I FELT LIKE A GIRL LEARNING BRAILLE. 636 00:26:52,433 --> 00:26:53,933 I JUST KEPT... 637 00:26:57,133 --> 00:26:58,567 AND, LIKE, WE DON'T-- 638 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:00,100 LIKE, GIRLS DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR BALLS. 639 00:27:00,133 --> 00:27:01,400 LIKE, NO ONE CARE-- 640 00:27:01,433 --> 00:27:03,400 LIKE, I WOULD NEVER CALL MY SISTER THE MORNING AFTER 641 00:27:03,433 --> 00:27:04,800 AND BE LIKE, "HEY, OKAY. 642 00:27:04,833 --> 00:27:07,367 "SO, LIKE, THE SEX WAS LAME, 643 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:10,967 "BUT THIS GUY'S BALLS... 644 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:15,933 AHH." 645 00:27:15,967 --> 00:27:17,633 NO. 646 00:27:17,667 --> 00:27:21,433 BUT WHEN THEY'RE NOT THERE, YOU MISS 'EM. 647 00:27:21,467 --> 00:27:23,900 THEY'RE LIKE GRANDPARENTS. 648 00:27:23,933 --> 00:27:28,033 [laughter] 649 00:27:28,067 --> 00:27:30,300 [cheers and applause] 650 00:27:34,233 --> 00:27:35,967 THANK YOU. 651 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,367 I LIKE THAT THAT'S THE ONE THAT WAS TOO MUCH FOR YOU GUYS. 652 00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:39,967 YOU'RE LIKE, "RAPE, AIDS, WHATEVS. 653 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:43,000 GRANDPARENTS? WHOA!" 654 00:27:45,433 --> 00:27:48,533 SO, YEAH, THE WAY I SAW AN UNCIRCUMCISED PENIS-- 655 00:27:48,567 --> 00:27:51,400 I HAD MET THIS GUY AT A BAR. HE WAS FRENCH. 656 00:27:51,433 --> 00:27:52,567 SO I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, 657 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:53,700 BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS ACTUALLY FRENCH. 658 00:27:53,733 --> 00:27:54,867 I THOUGHT WE WERE BOTH JUST, LIKE, WASTED 659 00:27:54,900 --> 00:27:57,500 AND FAKING THE ACCENT, YOU KNOW? 660 00:27:57,533 --> 00:28:01,933 I WAS LIKE, "ROSETTA STONE!" 661 00:28:01,967 --> 00:28:04,367 'CAUSE I DO, I CAN ONLY DRINK BEER AND WINE NOW 662 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:05,600 'CAUSE I, LIKE, MY PARENTS ARE-- 663 00:28:05,633 --> 00:28:07,200 ANYBODY HAVE ALCOHOLIC PARENTS? 664 00:28:07,233 --> 00:28:08,767 ANYBODY IN HERE? 665 00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:10,433 OH, NO, EVERYBODY WAS RAISED AWESOMELY? 666 00:28:10,467 --> 00:28:11,833 [laughter] 667 00:28:11,867 --> 00:28:14,433 LIKE, MY DAD USED TO APOLOGIZE TO ME 668 00:28:14,467 --> 00:28:18,400 FOR MISSING VOLLEYBALL GAMES THAT HE WAS AT. 669 00:28:18,433 --> 00:28:21,533 SO ANYWAY, I MEET THIS FRENCH GUY AND-- 670 00:28:21,567 --> 00:28:24,000 'CAUSE I DON'T THINK THAT'S A CUTE ACCENT ON DUDES, RIGHT? 671 00:28:24,033 --> 00:28:25,500 THE FRENCH ACCENT. 672 00:28:25,533 --> 00:28:27,633 IT JUST--IT MAKES MY VAGINA SHUT LIKE A STEEL TRAP, 673 00:28:27,667 --> 00:28:29,767 JUST PSHH! 674 00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:32,633 I MEAN, THANK GOD FOR THAT OTHER HOLE BUT... 675 00:28:32,667 --> 00:28:35,100 [laughter] 676 00:28:35,133 --> 00:28:37,633 MY BUTTHOLE. 677 00:28:37,667 --> 00:28:38,733 OH, YOU KNEW. 678 00:28:38,767 --> 00:28:40,333 OKAY, YOU KNEW. 679 00:28:40,367 --> 00:28:43,800 UM, SO I WENT HOME WITH THIS FRENCH GUY 680 00:28:43,833 --> 00:28:45,533 'CAUSE HE SAID SOMETHING ADORABLE LIKE, 681 00:28:45,567 --> 00:28:49,633 "I HAVE AN APARTMENT." 682 00:28:49,667 --> 00:28:54,433 SO WE GO--I GO HOME WITH HIM, AND WE'RE, LIKE, MAKING OUT. 683 00:28:54,467 --> 00:28:55,867 HE WAS VERY SENSUAL. 684 00:28:55,900 --> 00:28:58,133 HE'S ONE OF THOSE DUDES, LIKE, HE STARTED TO PICK ME UP, 685 00:28:58,167 --> 00:28:59,767 AND THEN HE REALIZED HE WAS IN OVER HIS HEAD, 686 00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:03,633 AND I GOT PLANTED BACK DOWN. 687 00:29:03,667 --> 00:29:06,133 IT'S HARD TO FEEL SEXY WHEN A DUDE'S WINDED 688 00:29:06,167 --> 00:29:08,400 FROM TRYING TO HOIST YOU. 689 00:29:08,433 --> 00:29:10,033 HIS, LIKE, LEGS ARE SHAKING. 690 00:29:10,067 --> 00:29:12,067 HE'S, LIKE, WIPING SWEAT. 691 00:29:12,100 --> 00:29:13,633 I'M LIKE, "CAN YOU JUST PUT ME--" 692 00:29:13,667 --> 00:29:15,333 I TRIED TO LAND CUTE LIKE A GYMNAST. 693 00:29:15,367 --> 00:29:17,667 I WAS LIKE... [giggles] 694 00:29:17,700 --> 00:29:19,267 NO, BUT I DO-- 695 00:29:19,300 --> 00:29:20,400 BUT I KNOW I HAVE A BODY TYPE. 696 00:29:20,433 --> 00:29:22,300 LIKE, I KNOW, LIKE, I'M NOT A TWIG. 697 00:29:22,333 --> 00:29:24,200 LIKE, IF A CHEERLEADING PYRAMID'S BEING MADE, 698 00:29:24,233 --> 00:29:25,633 I KNOW I'M A BASE. 699 00:29:25,667 --> 00:29:28,100 LIKE, I GET RIGHT DOWN-- 700 00:29:28,133 --> 00:29:29,367 I'M NOT LIKE, "HOIST ME UP ON TOP 701 00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:30,833 "LIKE A STAR TONIGHT, YOU GUYS. 702 00:29:30,867 --> 00:29:31,867 I WANNA FLY." 703 00:29:31,900 --> 00:29:33,600 LIKE, I KNOW WHERE I AM. 704 00:29:33,633 --> 00:29:37,533 I KNOW MY BODY TYPE THE WAY GUYS HIT ON ME AT BARS, 705 00:29:37,567 --> 00:29:38,567 LIKE, WHEN IT HAPPENS. 706 00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:39,600 AND IT'S USUALLY MY IDEA. 707 00:29:39,633 --> 00:29:40,700 I'M USUALLY LIKE, "HEY." 708 00:29:40,733 --> 00:29:41,733 AND THEY'RE LIKE, "NO, THANKS." 709 00:29:41,767 --> 00:29:42,733 AND I'M LIKE, "HEY!" 710 00:29:42,767 --> 00:29:44,267 AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OH." 711 00:29:44,300 --> 00:29:48,233 [laughter] 712 00:29:48,267 --> 00:29:49,667 BUT WHEN I DO GET HIT ON, 713 00:29:49,700 --> 00:29:51,433 LIKE, THIS GUY JUST CAME UP TO ME, AND HE WAS FROM, 714 00:29:51,467 --> 00:29:53,433 LIKE, TEXAS OR SOMEWHERE I'M NOT GOING. 715 00:29:53,467 --> 00:29:57,167 AND, UH... 716 00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:58,567 AND HE COMES OVER, AND HE'S LIKE, 717 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:01,600 "HEY, I LIKE YOU. 718 00:30:01,633 --> 00:30:03,867 YOU'RE STURDY." 719 00:30:03,900 --> 00:30:07,033 [laughter] 720 00:30:07,067 --> 00:30:08,467 I'M LIKE, "I'M SORRY?" 721 00:30:08,500 --> 00:30:09,933 HE'S LIKE, "YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD TAKE A PUNCH." 722 00:30:09,967 --> 00:30:11,967 I'M LIKE, "OH." 723 00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:15,100 OH, DON'T I FEEL LIKE THE BELLE OF THE BALL. 724 00:30:18,567 --> 00:30:22,500 SO I'M MAKING OUT WITH FRENCHINATOR, AND, UH, HE DID-- 725 00:30:22,533 --> 00:30:23,933 HE PUT--HE LIKE, GAVE UP RIGHT AWAY 726 00:30:23,967 --> 00:30:25,600 'CAUSE HE'S FRENCH, I GUESS. 727 00:30:25,633 --> 00:30:28,200 AND... 728 00:30:28,233 --> 00:30:29,833 [cheers and applause] 729 00:30:29,867 --> 00:30:33,767 OH, MY GOD. THANK YOU. 730 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:35,800 SO WE'RE MAKING OUT AND, UH, HE-- 731 00:30:35,833 --> 00:30:37,767 HE PULLED HIS DICK OUT IMMEDIATELY. 732 00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:41,600 HE MUST HAVE BEEN THINKING LIKE, "SHE'S THE ONE." 733 00:30:41,633 --> 00:30:43,933 AND I'M LOOKING AT IT, I'M JUST LIKE, 734 00:30:43,967 --> 00:30:47,500 "WHAT-- WHAT IS THAT? 735 00:30:47,533 --> 00:30:49,600 "ARE WE HAVING, LIKE, A PILLOW FIGHT? 736 00:30:49,633 --> 00:30:51,067 "WHAT'S-- 737 00:30:51,100 --> 00:30:54,633 WHY IS THE GNOME FROM TRAVELOCITY IN YOUR UNDERPANTS?" 738 00:30:54,667 --> 00:30:57,267 [laughter] 739 00:30:57,300 --> 00:30:59,500 BUT, LIKE, YOU CAN'T-- GUYS ARE SENSITIVE TOO. 740 00:30:59,533 --> 00:31:01,300 I COULDN'T DO WHAT I WAS, LIKE, THINKING, LIKE-- 741 00:31:01,333 --> 00:31:02,367 "AAH!" 742 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:03,600 LIKE, RUN DOWN THE FIVE STORIES 743 00:31:03,633 --> 00:31:05,033 OF HIS WALK-UP. 744 00:31:05,067 --> 00:31:06,967 I HAD TO BE, LIKE, A TEAM PLAYER AND BE LIKE, 745 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:08,067 "ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO." 746 00:31:08,100 --> 00:31:09,833 JUST, LIKE, FIGHTING THROUGH THE SKIN 747 00:31:09,867 --> 00:31:11,300 TRYING TO FIND HIS ACTUAL PE-- 748 00:31:11,333 --> 00:31:13,733 I FELT LIKE A MAGICIAN WITH THE SCARVES, I'M JUST... 749 00:31:13,767 --> 00:31:18,200 [laughter] 750 00:31:18,233 --> 00:31:21,300 WAITING FOR A DOVE TO HIT ME IN THE FACE. 751 00:31:21,333 --> 00:31:23,733 [laughter] 752 00:31:23,767 --> 00:31:26,800 IT SUCKS GETTING OLDER AS A CHICK. 753 00:31:26,833 --> 00:31:29,133 IN YOUR 20s, YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "LIFE IS AWESOME. 754 00:31:29,167 --> 00:31:32,700 EVERYBODY WANTS TO FUCK ME, YOU GUYS!" 755 00:31:32,733 --> 00:31:34,433 THEN YOU TURN 30, AND YOU'RE LIKE, 756 00:31:34,467 --> 00:31:36,700 "YOU GUYS?" 757 00:31:36,733 --> 00:31:39,467 IT'S LIKE A BUS THAT NEVER COMES. 758 00:31:39,500 --> 00:31:41,433 BUT AS I'M GETTING OLDER, WHAT I'M DOING NOW 759 00:31:41,467 --> 00:31:43,500 IS I'M JUST MAKING SURE I'M THE BEST-LOOKING ONE 760 00:31:43,533 --> 00:31:44,500 OF MY FRIENDS. 761 00:31:44,533 --> 00:31:46,167 IT'S REALLY EASY. 762 00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:48,400 I CUT CERTAIN PEOPLE OUT OF MY LIFE. 763 00:31:48,433 --> 00:31:49,833 [laughter] 764 00:31:49,867 --> 00:31:53,333 AND I NOW HAND-SELECT STRANGERS OFF OF FACEBOOK 765 00:31:53,367 --> 00:31:55,967 AND SURROUND MYSELF WITH REAL TROLLS AND REPTILES. 766 00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:58,100 YOU SHOULD SEE THESE MONSTERS. 767 00:31:58,133 --> 00:32:00,500 I HAD A FRIEND, NIKKI, SHE KEPT LOSING WEIGHT. 768 00:32:00,533 --> 00:32:04,300 I TOOK HER OUT OF MY PHONE. FUCK HER, I'M SORRY. 769 00:32:04,333 --> 00:32:06,433 BUT THERE'S ONE CHICK I'VE BEEN FRIENDS WITH FOREVER. 770 00:32:06,467 --> 00:32:07,800 HER NAME IS SABINA. 771 00:32:07,833 --> 00:32:09,400 LIKE, SHE'S GORGEOUS, 772 00:32:09,433 --> 00:32:11,133 AND OF COURSE SHE IS WITH THE NAME SABINA. 773 00:32:11,167 --> 00:32:13,967 LIKE, WHAT A WHITE, ANNOYING NAME, RIGHT? 774 00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:15,667 YOU HAVE TO BE SO HOT TO PULL OFF NAMES LIKE THAT, 775 00:32:15,700 --> 00:32:17,400 LIKE SABINA, PRISCILLA. 776 00:32:17,433 --> 00:32:19,367 YOU CAN'T HAVE, LIKE, A BUM KNEE AND A LAZY EYE 777 00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:23,767 AND BE LIKE, "I'M SABINA." 778 00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:25,133 IT'S LIKE, "NICE TRY. 779 00:32:25,167 --> 00:32:26,333 "WE'RE GONNA CALL YOU BERTHA, BITCH. 780 00:32:26,367 --> 00:32:28,767 "BUT THAT WAS CUTE. 781 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:30,400 THAT WAS CUTE." 782 00:32:30,433 --> 00:32:31,900 GUYS GO CRAZY OVER HER. 783 00:32:31,933 --> 00:32:33,700 I NEVER GET HIT ON LIKE THAT. 784 00:32:33,733 --> 00:32:36,467 THE ONLY TIME I GET HIT ON IS LAST CALL AT THE BAR. 785 00:32:36,500 --> 00:32:37,733 RIGHT? 786 00:32:37,767 --> 00:32:40,600 THAT'S WHEN I SHINE, I'M TELLING YOU. 787 00:32:40,633 --> 00:32:42,100 WHAT A WEIRD TIME OF NIGHT, RIGHT? 788 00:32:42,133 --> 00:32:43,700 THE LIGHTS GO ON. 789 00:32:43,733 --> 00:32:46,600 IT JUST FEELS REAL RAPE-Y ALL OF A SUDDEN. 790 00:32:46,633 --> 00:32:48,067 POST-APOCALYPTIC. 791 00:32:48,100 --> 00:32:49,300 SOMETHING HAPPENS TO THE MEN. 792 00:32:49,333 --> 00:32:50,467 THEY'RE JUST LIKE, "I NEED A WOMAN." 793 00:32:50,500 --> 00:32:52,533 LIKE THEY ALL JUST START PACING LIKE GORILLAS. 794 00:32:52,567 --> 00:32:54,300 [laughter] 795 00:32:54,333 --> 00:32:58,067 THEIR EYES WIDEN. 796 00:32:58,100 --> 00:33:00,267 IT LOOKS LIKE THEY CAN ONLY SEE BY HEAT. 797 00:33:00,300 --> 00:33:03,267 THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT?" LIKE PREDATOR. 798 00:33:06,067 --> 00:33:09,333 I SEE SOME DUDE IN A FULL BLACKOUT JUST WALKING AT ME, 799 00:33:09,367 --> 00:33:11,433 LIKE A ZOMBIE JUST POINTING AT HIS OWN DICK. 800 00:33:11,467 --> 00:33:13,300 LIKE, "HERE." 801 00:33:13,333 --> 00:33:15,333 [laughter] 802 00:33:15,367 --> 00:33:17,267 I'M LIKE, "I'LL GET US A CAB." 803 00:33:17,300 --> 00:33:19,433 [laughter] 804 00:33:23,900 --> 00:33:26,000 I KNOW I MAKE IT SOUND LIKE I'M SO SLUTTY UP HERE, 805 00:33:26,033 --> 00:33:27,767 BUT I'M--I'VE ONLY BEEN WITH FOUR PEOPLE, 806 00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:29,700 AND THAT WAS A WEIRD NIGHT. 807 00:33:29,733 --> 00:33:31,600 [laughter] 808 00:33:31,633 --> 00:33:33,400 THAT'S MY BUSINESS. 809 00:33:33,433 --> 00:33:36,400 OH, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU DO, LADIES. 810 00:33:36,433 --> 00:33:38,167 EVERY GUY IS GONNA LEAVE YOU FOR AN ASIAN WOMAN, 811 00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:40,000 AND YOU KNOW THAT. 812 00:33:40,033 --> 00:33:41,133 THAT'S RIGHT, 813 00:33:41,167 --> 00:33:42,533 I'M SAYING IT IN SAN FRANCISCO, 814 00:33:42,567 --> 00:33:43,867 IN THE HOT BED. 815 00:33:43,900 --> 00:33:46,267 IN THE HOT BED. 816 00:33:46,300 --> 00:33:49,200 I GET IT, I CAN'T COMPETE WITH AN ASIAN CHICK. 817 00:33:49,233 --> 00:33:50,733 I CAN'T. THEY'RE BETTER. 818 00:33:50,767 --> 00:33:52,233 I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS. I DID THE MATH. 819 00:33:52,267 --> 00:33:54,833 I KNOW THAT'S THEIR THING, BUT I DID IT. 820 00:33:54,867 --> 00:33:58,533 [laughter and applause] 821 00:33:58,567 --> 00:34:00,633 I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT. I CAN'T WIN. 822 00:34:00,667 --> 00:34:02,200 HOW CAN I COMPETE WITH AN ASIAN CHICK? 823 00:34:02,233 --> 00:34:03,633 THEY'RE SMARTER. 824 00:34:03,667 --> 00:34:05,800 THEY HAVE NATURALLY SILKY HAIR. 825 00:34:05,833 --> 00:34:09,567 THIS JEW DENIAL TOOK ME, LIKE, 40 MINUTES. 826 00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,067 THEY LAUGH LIKE THIS 827 00:34:11,100 --> 00:34:14,700 'CAUSE THEY KNOW MEN HATE WHEN WOMEN SPEAK. 828 00:34:14,733 --> 00:34:17,100 [laughter] 829 00:34:17,133 --> 00:34:18,533 THEY'RE BETTER. 830 00:34:18,567 --> 00:34:20,533 THEY'RE JUST BETTER. 831 00:34:20,567 --> 00:34:22,767 AND HOW DO THEY BRING IT ON HOME FOR THE WIN? 832 00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:25,967 OH, THE SMALLEST VAGINAS IN THE GAME. 833 00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:27,567 I CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT. 834 00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:29,600 WHAT DO I HAVE? WHAT AM I-- 835 00:34:29,633 --> 00:34:31,433 I'VE GOT A B.A. IN THEATER AND HPV. 836 00:34:31,467 --> 00:34:34,900 NO ONE'S BUYING MY STOCK. 837 00:34:34,933 --> 00:34:37,633 I AM PLUMMETING. 838 00:34:37,667 --> 00:34:38,933 I'M GOING TO BLACK GUYS. 839 00:34:38,967 --> 00:34:40,400 THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO. 840 00:34:40,433 --> 00:34:41,800 THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING, YEAH. 841 00:34:41,833 --> 00:34:43,267 I'VE--I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE NEVER DONE IT. 842 00:34:43,300 --> 00:34:45,900 I'M BUILT FOR IT. IT SEEMS WEIRD I HAVEN'T. 843 00:34:45,933 --> 00:34:48,467 GOTTA GO FOR THE BLACK GUY. 844 00:34:48,500 --> 00:34:50,100 HAVE YOU EVER--BLACK GUY? YEAH. 845 00:34:50,133 --> 00:34:51,600 SHE'S LIKE, "AH, YEAH." 846 00:34:51,633 --> 00:34:53,600 SHE'S LIKE, "YES, LOOK AT MY SHIRT, 847 00:34:53,633 --> 00:34:54,933 YOU KNOW I FUCK BLACK GUYS." 848 00:34:54,967 --> 00:34:56,267 HOW CUTE ARE YOU? 849 00:34:56,300 --> 00:34:57,900 YOU'RE SO CUTE. YOU'RE HOT. 850 00:34:57,933 --> 00:34:59,367 I'M NOT GAY. 851 00:34:59,400 --> 00:35:01,533 I'VE CAUGHT A FINGER, BUT YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING. 852 00:35:01,567 --> 00:35:03,900 [laughter] 853 00:35:03,933 --> 00:35:05,833 BLACK GUYS ARE THE FUTURE. 854 00:35:05,867 --> 00:35:07,500 I GOT TO DO IT. I GOT TO DO IT. 855 00:35:07,533 --> 00:35:09,133 SOME CHICKS ARE SCARED. 856 00:35:09,167 --> 00:35:11,000 YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, "ONCE YOU GO BLACK, 857 00:35:11,033 --> 00:35:12,467 YOUR PARENTS DON'T TALK TO YOU ANYMORE." 858 00:35:12,500 --> 00:35:14,400 SOMETHING LIKE THAT, I DON'T KNOW. 859 00:35:14,433 --> 00:35:17,267 I DON'T KNOW, SOMETHING, LIKE, TO THAT EFFECT. 860 00:35:17,300 --> 00:35:19,200 BUT BLACK GUYS-- 861 00:35:19,233 --> 00:35:20,600 NO, I WANT TO DO IT. 862 00:35:20,633 --> 00:35:22,533 I ALMOST DID IT LAST WEEKEND. 863 00:35:22,567 --> 00:35:24,067 UH, I WAS-- LIKE, AFTER THE SHOW, 864 00:35:24,100 --> 00:35:27,700 I WAS STANDING OUT AND, UH, AND I WAS TRYING TO SELL MY CDs, 865 00:35:27,733 --> 00:35:29,833 AND PEOPLE WERE LIKE, "NO, THANKS." 866 00:35:29,867 --> 00:35:33,333 UH, AND NOT EVEN OF MY STAND-UP. 867 00:35:33,367 --> 00:35:35,467 JUST, LIKE, SOME SHIT I NEEDED TO GET RID OF, YOU KNOW, 868 00:35:35,500 --> 00:35:37,900 LIKE, THE FORREST GUMP SOUNDTRACK, 869 00:35:37,933 --> 00:35:39,533 JUST SOME MISSY MISDEMEANOR ELLIOTT. 870 00:35:39,567 --> 00:35:40,667 I'M LIKE, "I DON'T NEED THIS." 871 00:35:40,700 --> 00:35:42,967 UH, BUT NO, THIS DUDE COMES UP TO ME, 872 00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:44,767 THIS BLACK GUY, AND HE WAS INTO IT 873 00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:46,233 'CAUSE, COME ON. 874 00:35:46,267 --> 00:35:51,967 AND, UH, HE WALKS OVER, AND HE'S LIKE, "I'M DEREK." 875 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:54,100 AND I WAS LIKE, "DEREK?" 876 00:35:54,133 --> 00:35:56,267 HE'S LIKE, "DEREK." 877 00:35:56,300 --> 00:35:58,400 AND HE HAD ON, LIKE, A NICE SHIRT, 878 00:35:58,433 --> 00:36:02,567 AND HE HAD, LIKE, A JOB. 879 00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:08,200 AND I WAS LIKE, "NO, I WANT A BROTHER." 880 00:36:08,233 --> 00:36:12,033 IF I'M GONNA DO IT, I WANNA REALLY DO IT, YOU KNOW. 881 00:36:12,067 --> 00:36:13,267 NOT DEREK. 882 00:36:13,300 --> 00:36:14,533 I WANT HIM TO, LIKE, NOT EVEN HAVE A NAME, 883 00:36:14,567 --> 00:36:15,533 JUST LIKE NICKNAMES. 884 00:36:15,567 --> 00:36:16,733 EVERYONE'S LIKE, "POOKIE!" 885 00:36:16,767 --> 00:36:19,167 HE'S LIKE, "WHAT'S UP?" 886 00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:20,667 NO JOB. 887 00:36:20,700 --> 00:36:23,200 WE NEED LIKE A TON OF LUBE, BUT JUST, LIKE, FOR HIS ELBOWS, 888 00:36:23,233 --> 00:36:25,133 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? 889 00:36:25,167 --> 00:36:26,567 [laughter] 890 00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:28,133 OH, THAT WAS INSANELY RACIST? 891 00:36:28,167 --> 00:36:29,133 YOU'RE RIGHT. 892 00:36:29,167 --> 00:36:32,667 YOU'RE RIGHT. 893 00:36:32,700 --> 00:36:34,500 I LOVE JOKING ABOUT RACE. 894 00:36:34,533 --> 00:36:35,633 IT'S, LIKE, MY FAVORITE. 895 00:36:35,667 --> 00:36:36,967 I WAS TALKING ABOUT THIS THE OTHER DAY. 896 00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:40,167 I WAS HANGING OUT WITH LITERALLY ALL MY BLACK FRIEND. 897 00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:43,400 AND... [laughter] 898 00:36:43,433 --> 00:36:47,167 AND, UH, AND I REMEMBER I WAS LIKE, "TAMAMBE," 899 00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:49,167 OR WHATEVER. 900 00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:54,467 TAPESTRY--IT'S SOMETHING WILD, YOU KNOW? 901 00:36:54,500 --> 00:36:56,000 IT'S SOMETHING CRAZY. 902 00:36:56,033 --> 00:36:58,133 I MEAN, THAT'S WHY THEY NEED GOOGLE IN THE DELIVERY ROOM, 903 00:36:58,167 --> 00:36:59,167 I THINK, RIGHT? 904 00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:00,233 IT'S EVERYWHERE ELSE. 905 00:37:00,267 --> 00:37:01,567 WHY NOT THERE, RIGHT? 906 00:37:01,600 --> 00:37:02,700 SO WHEN HER MOM WAS LIKE, 907 00:37:02,733 --> 00:37:05,833 I'M GONNA NAME YOU "TAMAMBO." 908 00:37:05,867 --> 00:37:09,800 GOOGLE WOULD SHOW UP AND SAY, "DID YOU MEAN JENNIFER?" 909 00:37:09,833 --> 00:37:12,667 [laughter] 910 00:37:15,700 --> 00:37:18,300 AND HER MOM WOULD BE LIKE, "YES, GOOGLE, 911 00:37:18,333 --> 00:37:23,300 I DID MEAN JENNIFER. THANK YOU." 912 00:37:23,333 --> 00:37:24,600 NO, TAMAMBE. 913 00:37:24,633 --> 00:37:29,267 SO I'M HANGING OUT WITH TAPIOCA AND, UH, 914 00:37:29,300 --> 00:37:31,533 TEMPURA OR SOMETHING, AND WHAT WAS SHE SAYING? 915 00:37:31,567 --> 00:37:33,067 SHE--SHE WAS LIKE, "GIRL." 916 00:37:33,100 --> 00:37:35,667 LIKE, I WON'T DO SOME RACIST IMPRESSION, SO DON'T WORRY. 917 00:37:35,700 --> 00:37:37,967 BUT SHE WAS LIKE, "GIRL!" 918 00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:40,300 [laughter] 919 00:37:45,533 --> 00:37:50,067 I MEAN, LIKE, WE WERE, LIKE, MID-DOUBLE DUTCH AND UH-- 920 00:37:50,100 --> 00:37:51,467 AND I'M JUST LIKE, "STOP YELLING. 921 00:37:51,500 --> 00:37:53,967 WE'RE NOT AT THE MOVIES." 922 00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:56,233 [laughter and applause] 923 00:37:58,667 --> 00:38:01,733 THANK YOU. 924 00:38:01,767 --> 00:38:04,167 THANK YOU. 925 00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:05,700 I'M GLAD YOU GUYS LAUGHED AT THAT. 926 00:38:05,733 --> 00:38:08,933 THAT DOES NOT ALWAYS WORK, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU. 927 00:38:08,967 --> 00:38:11,200 I MEAN, NOTHING WORKS 100% OF THE TIME, RIGHT? 928 00:38:11,233 --> 00:38:12,600 EXCEPT MEXICANS. 929 00:38:12,633 --> 00:38:15,300 I'VE NOTICED-- [laughter] 930 00:38:15,333 --> 00:38:16,767 THAT'S THE ONE? 931 00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:18,233 BOO! RIGHT? 932 00:38:18,267 --> 00:38:19,733 BOO, MEXICANS. 933 00:38:19,767 --> 00:38:20,800 I HEAR YA. 934 00:38:20,833 --> 00:38:24,400 YOU GUYS ARE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR. 935 00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:29,900 SO ASS PLAY, YOU GUYS, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK? 936 00:38:29,933 --> 00:38:31,533 FOR OR AGAINST? EVERY NIGHT? 937 00:38:31,567 --> 00:38:33,833 OKAY. 938 00:38:33,867 --> 00:38:35,633 I'VE DEALT WITH TWO KINDS OF GUYS 939 00:38:35,667 --> 00:38:38,567 WHEN IT COMES TO MY PERSONAL ASSHOLE. 940 00:38:38,600 --> 00:38:43,200 UM, THERE'S THE KIND OF GUY THAT NEVER ACKNOWLEDGES IT, RIGHT? 941 00:38:43,233 --> 00:38:45,200 LIKE, THE WHOLE TIME YOU'RE TOGETHER JUST NEVER-- 942 00:38:45,233 --> 00:38:47,233 WHICH IS AWESOME BECAUSE WHO NEEDS THE EXTRA MAINTENANCE? 943 00:38:47,267 --> 00:38:48,467 CAN I GET WHAT-WHAT, LADIES? 944 00:38:48,500 --> 00:38:49,733 women: WHAT-WHAT! [cheering] 945 00:38:49,767 --> 00:38:54,867 - THANKS, SISTER FRIENDS. 946 00:38:54,900 --> 00:38:56,500 THAT GUY'S AWESOME, RIGHT? 947 00:38:56,533 --> 00:38:57,967 YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING WITH THAT GUY. 948 00:38:58,000 --> 00:38:59,767 AND THEN THERE'S THE OTHER KIND OF GUY 949 00:38:59,800 --> 00:39:03,033 WHO GOES FOR IT IMMEDIATELY. 950 00:39:03,067 --> 00:39:05,067 LIKE, YOU'RE NOT EVEN FULLY KISSING YET, 951 00:39:05,100 --> 00:39:07,433 AND HE'S TRYING TO GRAB YOU LIKE A BOWLING BALL. 952 00:39:07,467 --> 00:39:09,900 YOU'RE LIKE, "NO!" 953 00:39:12,833 --> 00:39:14,933 HE'S LIKE, "YOU SAID YOU LIKE JEFF DUNHAM." 954 00:39:14,967 --> 00:39:17,600 YOU'RE LIKE, "NO!" 955 00:39:19,900 --> 00:39:22,833 YOU CAN'T TRUST THOSE GUYS, ALL RIGHT. 956 00:39:22,867 --> 00:39:24,433 SO I WAS DATING THE FIRST KIND OF GUY, 957 00:39:24,467 --> 00:39:25,833 NO ASS PLAY. 958 00:39:25,867 --> 00:39:27,467 LIKE, THE SEX WAS VERY VANILLA. 959 00:39:27,500 --> 00:39:29,900 THERE WAS NO FUNNY BUSINESS, NO DIRTY TALK. 960 00:39:29,933 --> 00:39:31,400 IF I SENT HIM A NAUGHTY PHOTO, 961 00:39:31,433 --> 00:39:32,967 HE WOULD JUST WRITE BACK, "THANKS," 962 00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:36,100 LIKE I SENT HIM A FAX HE NEEDED. 963 00:39:36,133 --> 00:39:40,067 LIKE I HAD FORWARDED HIM AND E-VITE. 964 00:39:40,100 --> 00:39:41,933 SO WE WERE TOGETHER FOR, LIKE, YEARS, 965 00:39:41,967 --> 00:39:45,133 AND ONE NIGHT, OUT OF NOWHERE, WE'RE AT DINNER, AND HE'S LIKE, 966 00:39:45,167 --> 00:39:47,200 "I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING. 967 00:39:47,233 --> 00:39:50,367 I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT ASS PLAY." 968 00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:53,800 AND I'M LIKE, "IS THAT A BROADWAY SHOW? 969 00:39:53,833 --> 00:39:55,400 "THAT SHOW SOUNDS AWESOME. 970 00:39:55,433 --> 00:39:57,733 LET'S GO SEE THAT SHOW." 971 00:39:57,767 --> 00:39:59,267 AND HE'S LIKE, "NO, ASS PLAY." 972 00:39:59,300 --> 00:40:01,167 AND AS I'M ASKING HIM QUESTIONS, 973 00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:03,033 I REALIZE HE HASN'T THOUGHT IT THROUGH AT ALL. 974 00:40:03,067 --> 00:40:04,900 'CAUSE I WAS JUST LIKE, "DO YOU MEAN ON YOU OR ME?" 975 00:40:04,933 --> 00:40:06,067 AND HE WAS LIKE, "OH." 976 00:40:06,100 --> 00:40:10,133 I WAS LIKE, "OH, JESUS, NO." 977 00:40:10,167 --> 00:40:13,267 THIS IS NOT A BRAINSTORM SESH HERE. 978 00:40:13,300 --> 00:40:16,800 YOUR POWERPOINT, BUDDY. 979 00:40:16,833 --> 00:40:19,933 SO THAT NIGHT, I WAS LIKE, I'M GONNA CALL HIM ON HIS BLUFF. 980 00:40:19,967 --> 00:40:21,633 I DON'T USUALLY JOKE AROUND IN THE BEDROOM, 981 00:40:21,667 --> 00:40:23,400 BUT I WAS LIKE, "FUCK THIS GUY." 982 00:40:23,433 --> 00:40:24,733 SO... 983 00:40:24,767 --> 00:40:25,933 [laughter] 984 00:40:25,967 --> 00:40:29,567 THIS J.V. PLAYER IS GONNA GET IT FROM ME, SO-- 985 00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:32,400 [laughter] 986 00:40:32,433 --> 00:40:35,133 SO WE'RE, LIKE, MAKING OUT, AND I'M JUST LIKE, 987 00:40:35,167 --> 00:40:39,267 "PSST, WHERE IS ALL THE ASS PLAY?" 988 00:40:39,300 --> 00:40:45,067 AND LIKE A FRIGHTENED CHILD, HE GOES, "TONIGHT?" 989 00:40:45,100 --> 00:40:48,700 AND I'M LIKE, "UH-HUH." 990 00:40:48,733 --> 00:40:51,967 AND HE CAN'T THINK--HE GOES, "WELL, DID YOU SHOWER?" 991 00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:53,533 I SAID "I'M NOT GONNA ANSWER THAT 992 00:40:53,567 --> 00:40:55,233 'CAUSE I'M NOT A HOMELESS WOMAN." 993 00:40:55,267 --> 00:40:58,633 UH, JUST SOME SCHIZOPHRENIC WITH A CART LIKE, 994 00:40:58,667 --> 00:41:01,767 "WASH ME!" 995 00:41:05,133 --> 00:41:07,267 SO HE CAN'T THINK OF ANY OTHER WAY TO STALL, 996 00:41:07,300 --> 00:41:08,767 SO THIS IS WHAT HE DOES, OKAY? 997 00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:10,067 THIS IS MY ASSHOLE. 998 00:41:10,100 --> 00:41:14,700 THIS IS HIS FINGER. HE GOES LIKE THIS. 999 00:41:14,733 --> 00:41:16,933 AND HE HOLDS IT THERE. 1000 00:41:16,967 --> 00:41:21,233 LIKE HE WAS CHECKING IT FOR A PULSE. 1001 00:41:21,267 --> 00:41:22,800 LIKE HE THOUGHT A GROUNDHOG MIGHT POP OUT, 1002 00:41:22,833 --> 00:41:27,300 AND HE'D HAVE TO WHAC-A-MOLE IT. 1003 00:41:27,333 --> 00:41:32,967 AND THEN I FIST HIM LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE. 1004 00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:34,267 [cheers and applause] 1005 00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:41,233 HE'S DEAD. 1006 00:41:41,267 --> 00:41:43,267 OH, GOD, YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME. 1007 00:41:43,300 --> 00:41:45,733 I--SERIOUSLY, SOMETIMES THAT GOES SO AWKWARD, 1008 00:41:45,767 --> 00:41:47,467 AND DURING A SET, I JUST WANT TO, LIKE, TAP OUT. 1009 00:41:47,500 --> 00:41:48,933 I'VE HAD THIS IMAGE. 1010 00:41:48,967 --> 00:41:50,667 NOT LIKE A WRESTLING TAP OUT, 1011 00:41:50,700 --> 00:41:52,800 BUT JUST SORT OF SOFT-SHOE OUT OF THE ROOM 1012 00:41:52,833 --> 00:41:54,267 IN AN AWKWARD SITUATION. 1013 00:41:54,300 --> 00:41:56,000 LIKE, WHY CAN'T WE DO THAT? 1014 00:41:56,033 --> 00:41:58,100 I WAS WORKING AT THIS CLUB, 1015 00:41:58,133 --> 00:41:59,800 AND, UH, I WALKED IN THE FIRST NIGHT. 1016 00:41:59,833 --> 00:42:02,567 AND I REALIZED THAT THIS CLUB, THERE WAS A BATHROOM ATTENDANT. 1017 00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:03,833 HAVE YOU EVER BEEN LIKE, 1018 00:42:03,867 --> 00:42:06,567 "OH, DOPE, A BATHROOM ATTENDANT WORKS HERE." 1019 00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:07,833 NO, YOU'RE LIKE, 1020 00:42:07,867 --> 00:42:08,967 "AH, IT'S AWKWARD." 1021 00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:10,500 THEY HATE YOU. 1022 00:42:10,533 --> 00:42:12,367 YOU HATE--YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "OH, PLEASE." 1023 00:42:12,400 --> 00:42:13,567 LIKE, YOU KNOW, IT'S UNNECESSARY. 1024 00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:14,833 ARE YOU EVER PEEING LIKE, 1025 00:42:14,867 --> 00:42:19,067 "HOW AM I GONNA LEAVE HERE WITHOUT A STARBURST?" 1026 00:42:19,100 --> 00:42:20,600 "I DON'T LIKE GOING WITHOUT SOMEBODY LISTENING." 1027 00:42:20,633 --> 00:42:22,433 NO. 1028 00:42:22,467 --> 00:42:24,133 I GO IN THE BATHROOM THE FIRST NIGHT, 1029 00:42:24,167 --> 00:42:26,933 AND THE BATHROOM ATTENDANT STOPS ME AT THE DOOR. 1030 00:42:26,967 --> 00:42:31,633 AND SHE'S LIKE, "UH, THEY'RE ALL FULL RIGHT NOW, 1031 00:42:31,667 --> 00:42:35,000 SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT A MINUTE." 1032 00:42:35,033 --> 00:42:37,500 AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW HOW BATHROOMS WORK." 1033 00:42:37,533 --> 00:42:41,167 UH, LIKE, IF SHE HADN'T SAID THAT, I WAS JUST GONNA GO ROGUE 1034 00:42:41,200 --> 00:42:43,467 AND START POUNDING ON ALL THE STALLS, 1035 00:42:43,500 --> 00:42:44,900 UP AND DOWN WITH A SHIV. 1036 00:42:44,933 --> 00:42:47,933 "NO!" 1037 00:42:47,967 --> 00:42:48,967 PEEING IN THE SINK. 1038 00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:52,467 "I DO WHAT I WANT. 1039 00:42:52,500 --> 00:42:57,367 BATHROOM ATTENDANT!" 1040 00:42:57,400 --> 00:42:59,533 I COME OUT, SHE HANDS ME A PAPER TOWEL. 1041 00:42:59,567 --> 00:43:01,600 "THANK YOU. 1042 00:43:01,633 --> 00:43:02,933 "IF YOU HADN'T SAVED ME, 1043 00:43:02,967 --> 00:43:04,867 "I WOULD HAVE JUST BLED AND DRIPPED LIKE STIGMATA. 1044 00:43:04,900 --> 00:43:08,867 THANK YOU." 1045 00:43:08,900 --> 00:43:10,233 SO UNNECESSARY. 1046 00:43:10,267 --> 00:43:12,400 SO THE LAST NIGHT I'M AT THIS CLUB, 1047 00:43:12,433 --> 00:43:13,433 I GO IN THE BATHROOM. 1048 00:43:13,467 --> 00:43:14,600 SHE'S, LIKE, FACING THE WALL. 1049 00:43:14,633 --> 00:43:15,600 SO I'M LIKE, "OH, GOOD." 1050 00:43:15,633 --> 00:43:17,000 I GO RIGHT IN THE STALL. 1051 00:43:17,033 --> 00:43:18,833 AND I'M NOT GONNA SAY ANYTHING GROSS. 1052 00:43:18,867 --> 00:43:21,867 BUT I'M IN THERE JUST DROPPING A TON OF HEAT, 1053 00:43:21,900 --> 00:43:22,867 JUST... 1054 00:43:22,900 --> 00:43:24,833 [laughter] 1055 00:43:24,867 --> 00:43:28,200 MASSACRING THIS BOWL, JUST-- 1056 00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:32,767 I'M TEXTING PEOPLE LIKE, 1057 00:43:32,800 --> 00:43:33,900 "AM I DYING?" 1058 00:43:33,933 --> 00:43:36,000 [laughter] 1059 00:43:36,033 --> 00:43:37,433 IT'S LIKE, "YOUR SISTER'S A NURSE." 1060 00:43:37,467 --> 00:43:41,100 THINGS LIKE THAT. 1061 00:43:41,133 --> 00:43:44,400 TO A LOT OF MY FAMILY, I JUST WROTE, "GOOD-BYE." 1062 00:43:44,433 --> 00:43:47,400 [laughter] 1063 00:43:47,433 --> 00:43:50,467 LIKE, WHATEVER YOU'RE PICTURING, LIKE, TRIPLE IT. 1064 00:43:50,500 --> 00:43:53,267 UH... 1065 00:43:53,300 --> 00:43:55,400 I'M SORRY, NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. 1066 00:43:55,433 --> 00:43:56,967 YOU GUYS, NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. 1067 00:43:57,000 --> 00:43:59,100 YOU TWO, YOU TWO, NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. 1068 00:43:59,133 --> 00:44:01,667 HEY, DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A SHOW? 1069 00:44:01,700 --> 00:44:05,067 [laughter and applause] 1070 00:44:05,100 --> 00:44:07,400 COME ON, YOU'RE PRETTY. JUST STOP TALKING. 1071 00:44:07,433 --> 00:44:11,267 NO, I APPRECIATE YOU SUPPORTING LIVE COMEDY. 1072 00:44:11,300 --> 00:44:14,200 UH, NO, NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. 1073 00:44:14,233 --> 00:44:15,400 I DIDN'T REALLY-- 1074 00:44:15,433 --> 00:44:17,833 YOU GUYS, OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS, THEN JUST-- 1075 00:44:17,867 --> 00:44:19,100 WHAT'S GO--WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT? 1076 00:44:19,133 --> 00:44:20,133 WHAT'S HAPPENING? 1077 00:44:20,167 --> 00:44:21,533 OH, YOU LOVE ME? IT'S-- 1078 00:44:21,567 --> 00:44:22,900 - IT'S THEIR ANNIVERSARY. 1079 00:44:22,933 --> 00:44:25,300 - OH, MY GOD, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT I DON'T CARE? 1080 00:44:25,333 --> 00:44:26,767 NO, I'M JUST KIDDING. 1081 00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:31,100 NO, THAT'S EXCITING. 1082 00:44:31,133 --> 00:44:32,833 HOW MANY YEARS? 1083 00:44:32,867 --> 00:44:37,200 I'M JUST KIDDING. I DON'T CARE, I DON'T CARE. 1084 00:44:37,233 --> 00:44:38,567 NO, I DON'T CARE. 1085 00:44:38,600 --> 00:44:39,733 NO, DO YOU GUYS CARE? 1086 00:44:39,767 --> 00:44:40,900 NO? OKAY, SORRY. 1087 00:44:40,933 --> 00:44:42,233 SORRY, NOBODY CARES. 1088 00:44:42,267 --> 00:44:44,733 NOBODY CARES. 1089 00:44:44,767 --> 00:44:46,667 NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR COMING. 1090 00:44:46,700 --> 00:44:47,667 NOBODY CARES. 1091 00:44:47,700 --> 00:44:50,067 [laughter] 1092 00:44:50,100 --> 00:44:51,300 WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - ERIN. 1093 00:44:51,333 --> 00:44:54,767 - THAT WAS A TEST. NOBODY CARES, ERIN. 1094 00:44:54,800 --> 00:44:56,533 [laughter] 1095 00:44:56,567 --> 00:44:57,833 YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE. I'M SORRY. 1096 00:44:57,867 --> 00:44:59,333 THANK YOU FOR SPENDING YOUR ANNIVERSARY WITH ME. 1097 00:44:59,367 --> 00:45:00,733 MOM, THANK YOU. 1098 00:45:00,767 --> 00:45:02,233 I'M SORRY YOU HAVE TO SIT NEXT TO YOUR DAUGHTER 1099 00:45:02,267 --> 00:45:05,167 WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT SEMEN THE WHOLE TIME. 1100 00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:09,500 UH, WHERE DO YOU STAND ON ASS PLAY, MOM? 1101 00:45:09,533 --> 00:45:10,600 YOU'RE GOOD? 1102 00:45:10,633 --> 00:45:11,767 OKAY, YOU DON'T WANT HER TO KNOW, 1103 00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:16,633 BUT YOU CAN'T GET ENOUGH, OKAY. 1104 00:45:16,667 --> 00:45:19,733 YOU GUYS WON'T FORGET THIS ANNIVERSARY. 1105 00:45:19,767 --> 00:45:24,433 [laughter] 1106 00:45:24,467 --> 00:45:25,533 WHAT AM I-- WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT? 1107 00:45:25,567 --> 00:45:26,700 LIKE, WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT 1108 00:45:26,733 --> 00:45:27,800 BEFORE I JUST TALKED TO YOU GUYS? 1109 00:45:27,833 --> 00:45:29,200 DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER? SHITTING. 1110 00:45:29,233 --> 00:45:32,600 [laughter] 1111 00:45:35,133 --> 00:45:37,100 I LOVE YOU GUYS. 1112 00:45:37,133 --> 00:45:38,667 I FUCKING LOVE THIS CROWD. 1113 00:45:38,700 --> 00:45:43,367 [cheers and applause] 1114 00:45:43,400 --> 00:45:45,267 THE SWEETEST VOICE TOO. 1115 00:45:45,300 --> 00:45:47,300 "SHITTING." 1116 00:45:47,333 --> 00:45:48,867 [laughter] 1117 00:45:48,900 --> 00:45:50,733 OH, GOD, I WISH THAT HAPPENED. 1118 00:45:50,767 --> 00:45:52,700 LIKE, I WISH I WAS ABLE TO-- TO DO THAT. 1119 00:45:52,733 --> 00:45:55,733 BUT I DID, I JUST-- SHE WAS FACING THE WALL, 1120 00:45:55,767 --> 00:45:58,200 AND I'M LIKE, UH-- I HEAR THAT SHE'S CRYING, 1121 00:45:58,233 --> 00:45:59,633 SO I'M LIKE, 1122 00:45:59,667 --> 00:46:03,400 "EXCUSE ME, UM, I'M ABOUT TO WASH MY HANDS SO YOU-- 1123 00:46:03,433 --> 00:46:04,633 "YOU BETTER GET FUCKING READY. 1124 00:46:04,667 --> 00:46:06,400 UH..." 1125 00:46:06,433 --> 00:46:10,633 [laughter] 1126 00:46:10,667 --> 00:46:12,000 NO, SHE'S CRYING. 1127 00:46:12,033 --> 00:46:13,233 NO, I WAS LIKE, "WELL, WHAT'S WRONG? 1128 00:46:13,267 --> 00:46:14,433 "LIKE, IS IT YOUR CHOICES? 1129 00:46:14,467 --> 00:46:16,567 LIKE WHAT'S, UM..." 1130 00:46:16,600 --> 00:46:18,833 [laughter] 1131 00:46:18,867 --> 00:46:20,767 - NO, I ASKED HER WHAT WAS WRONG, AND SHE WAS LIKE, 1132 00:46:20,800 --> 00:46:22,667 SHE TOLD ME, SHE WAS LIKE, "MY DOG DIED." 1133 00:46:22,700 --> 00:46:24,733 SO I WAS LIKE, "I'M SO SORRY. I'VE BEEN THERE. 1134 00:46:24,767 --> 00:46:26,033 "I'M GONNA GO GET US SOME SHOTS. 1135 00:46:26,067 --> 00:46:27,533 "WE'RE GONNA GET WEIRD IN HERE TONIGHT, OKAY? 1136 00:46:27,567 --> 00:46:29,400 YOU AND ME." 1137 00:46:29,433 --> 00:46:31,667 AND SHE GOES, "IT JUST REALLY DOESN'T FEEL 1138 00:46:31,700 --> 00:46:36,533 LIKE SIX YEARS AGO." 1139 00:46:36,567 --> 00:46:37,700 WHAT DO YOU SAY? 1140 00:46:37,733 --> 00:46:38,967 I JUST LOOKED RIGHT AT HER AND JUST... 1141 00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:42,667 [laughter and applause] 1142 00:46:42,700 --> 00:46:43,833 WHAT DO YOU DO? 1143 00:46:43,867 --> 00:46:45,000 I FOUND THE OWNER, I WAS LIKE, 1144 00:46:45,033 --> 00:46:46,767 "SHE'S DOING A TON OF BLOW IN THERE. 1145 00:46:46,800 --> 00:46:49,267 YOU SHOULD GET RID OF HER." 1146 00:46:49,300 --> 00:46:53,300 [laughter] 1147 00:46:53,333 --> 00:46:56,800 I, UH, I'VE BEEN REALLY ENJOYING BEING ON THE ROAD 1148 00:46:56,833 --> 00:46:59,767 EVER SINCE THE ROAST BECAUSE I'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD, LIKE, 1149 00:46:59,800 --> 00:47:03,700 FOR YEARS BUT, UH, BUT PEOPLE HAD NO IDEA WHO I WAS, 1150 00:47:03,733 --> 00:47:05,333 SO THEY WOULD SEE A PICTURE OF ME, AND THEY'D BE LIKE, 1151 00:47:05,367 --> 00:47:06,500 "OH, SHE LOOKS SWEET. 1152 00:47:06,533 --> 00:47:09,300 "SHE KIND OF LOOKS, LIKE, AMISH, YOU KNOW. 1153 00:47:09,333 --> 00:47:13,600 "LIKE, UH, KIND OF CABBAGE PATCHY UP TOP, RIGHT? 1154 00:47:13,633 --> 00:47:14,967 "WE SHOULD BRING THE FAMILY. 1155 00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:16,433 I BET SHE TALKS ABOUT, LIKE, SHOPPING." 1156 00:47:16,467 --> 00:47:18,600 AND THEN THEY GET HERE, AND I'M LIKE, "MY PUSSY..." 1157 00:47:18,633 --> 00:47:20,800 [laughter] 1158 00:47:20,833 --> 00:47:24,767 UH... 1159 00:47:24,800 --> 00:47:26,033 BUT IT'S WAY BETTER NOW 1160 00:47:26,067 --> 00:47:27,467 'CAUSE, LIKE, A LOT PEOPLE SAW THAT ROAST, 1161 00:47:27,500 --> 00:47:29,467 AND THEY JUST ARE LIKE, "OH, SHE'S, LIKE, A BAD PERSON," 1162 00:47:29,500 --> 00:47:31,733 SO THAT MEANS YOU GUYS ARE DIRTBAGS TOO, 1163 00:47:31,767 --> 00:47:33,533 AND I APPRECIATE YOU COMING OUT. 1164 00:47:33,567 --> 00:47:34,600 [cheers and applause] 1165 00:47:34,633 --> 00:47:36,167 YOU ARE BAD PEOPLE. 1166 00:47:36,200 --> 00:47:39,733 [cheers and applause] 1167 00:47:39,767 --> 00:47:43,233 THANK YOU, BAD PEOPLE. 1168 00:47:43,267 --> 00:47:44,600 BUT I'VE BEEN REALLY LUCKY. 1169 00:47:44,633 --> 00:47:47,567 LIKE, MY WHOLE LIFE, I FOUND FRIENDS JUST LIKE ME. 1170 00:47:47,600 --> 00:47:49,600 LIKE, AT A YOUNG AGE, I FOUND GIRLS THAT WERE JUST LIKE ME. 1171 00:47:49,633 --> 00:47:51,167 LIKE, WE WERE ALL WHORES. 1172 00:47:51,200 --> 00:47:52,233 YOU KNOW? 1173 00:47:52,267 --> 00:47:54,767 JUST LITTLE DRUNKS RUNNING AROUND. 1174 00:47:54,800 --> 00:47:56,833 BUT IN EVERY GROUP OF GIRLFRIENDS, 1175 00:47:56,867 --> 00:47:59,533 THERE'S ALWAYS, LIKE, ONE THAT'S THE SLUTTIEST, YOU KNOW? 1176 00:47:59,567 --> 00:48:02,033 IF YOU DON'T HAVE THAT FRIEND, YOU'RE THAT FRIEND. 1177 00:48:02,067 --> 00:48:05,400 LET'S BE REAL. 1178 00:48:05,433 --> 00:48:07,400 AND IT WASN'T ME IN MY GROUP OF FRIENDS. 1179 00:48:07,433 --> 00:48:09,367 SHOCKER WAS MY NICKNAME. 1180 00:48:09,400 --> 00:48:11,400 [laughter] 1181 00:48:15,233 --> 00:48:17,600 BUT, NO, IN MY GROUP OF FRIENDS--IN MY-- 1182 00:48:17,633 --> 00:48:19,567 THE SLUTTIEST OF US WAS THIS GIRL KATIE. 1183 00:48:19,600 --> 00:48:21,367 AND, UH, WE DIDN'T JUDGE HER FOR THAT. 1184 00:48:21,400 --> 00:48:22,967 BUT SHE-- SHE WOULDN'T OWN IT. 1185 00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:25,100 LIKE AS SOON AS SHE WOULD HAVE A BOYFRIEND, 1186 00:48:25,133 --> 00:48:27,567 SHE'D START ACTING LIKE MOTHER TERESA, YOU KNOW? 1187 00:48:27,600 --> 00:48:28,800 SHE'D, LIKE, WALK DIFFERENT. 1188 00:48:28,833 --> 00:48:30,233 SHE TALKED DIFFERENTLY. 1189 00:48:30,267 --> 00:48:31,267 LIKE, I REMEMBER ONE TIME 1190 00:48:31,300 --> 00:48:32,467 SHE WALKED OVER WITH HER NEW BOYFRIEND, 1191 00:48:32,500 --> 00:48:33,767 SHE WAS LIKE, 1192 00:48:33,800 --> 00:48:37,667 "ADAM AND I ARE THRILLED YOU COULD JOIN US FOR BRUNCH." 1193 00:48:37,700 --> 00:48:40,333 I WAS LIKE, "I'VE HELPED YOU GET CUM OUT OF YOUR HAIR." 1194 00:48:40,367 --> 00:48:45,933 [laughter] 1195 00:48:45,967 --> 00:48:47,600 "REMEMBER, WE TRIED USING PEANUT BUTTER 1196 00:48:47,633 --> 00:48:52,267 'CAUSE WE'RE STUPID, REMEMBER?" 1197 00:48:52,300 --> 00:48:56,567 WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THAT AT BRUNCH WITH ADAM. 1198 00:48:56,600 --> 00:48:59,667 SO SHE MOVED TO CONNECTICUT 1199 00:48:59,700 --> 00:49:01,267 AND, LIKE, WAS GETTING MARRIED, 1200 00:49:01,300 --> 00:49:02,700 AND SHE HAD A WEDDING SHOWER THERE. 1201 00:49:02,733 --> 00:49:04,633 AND I WAS THE ONLY FRIEND FROM HOME THAT COULD GO. 1202 00:49:04,667 --> 00:49:07,433 SO I MET ALL OF HER NEW, FANCY CONNECTICUT FRIENDS. 1203 00:49:07,467 --> 00:49:08,800 AND, LIKE, YOU KNOW WOMEN LIKE THIS. 1204 00:49:08,833 --> 00:49:10,133 LIKE THESE GIRLS, 1205 00:49:10,167 --> 00:49:12,500 THEY WERE ALL, LIKE, VERY STEPFORD WIFE, YOU KNOW. 1206 00:49:12,533 --> 00:49:15,900 THEY ALL, LIKE, WORE, LIKE, PASTEL CASHMERE CARDIGANS 1207 00:49:15,933 --> 00:49:20,000 AND PEARLS AND BURBERRY, LIKE, TAMPONS. 1208 00:49:20,033 --> 00:49:22,000 [laughter] 1209 00:49:22,033 --> 00:49:24,833 AND THEY ALL SPOKE LIKE THIS, LIKE ALMOST IN A WHISPER. 1210 00:49:24,867 --> 00:49:26,200 LIKE THEY ALL WERE-- 1211 00:49:26,233 --> 00:49:28,533 EVERYBODY JUST WALKED AROUND WHISPERING TO EACH OTHER. 1212 00:49:28,567 --> 00:49:30,067 LIKE, "OH, I GUESS WE WERE JUST BORN 1213 00:49:30,100 --> 00:49:31,867 "WITH DIFFERENT VOCAL CORDS 1214 00:49:31,900 --> 00:49:33,200 "'CAUSE I WAS RAISED BETTER. 1215 00:49:33,233 --> 00:49:34,633 DO YOU SKI?" 1216 00:49:34,667 --> 00:49:38,367 [laughter] 1217 00:49:38,400 --> 00:49:40,267 SO I'M AT THIS PARTY, 1218 00:49:40,300 --> 00:49:42,133 AND I'M, LIKE, MAINLINING CHARDONNAY, 1219 00:49:42,167 --> 00:49:43,900 TRYING TO REMEMBER FUN. 1220 00:49:43,933 --> 00:49:46,167 [laughter] 1221 00:49:46,200 --> 00:49:47,967 JUST LIKE, "WHY?" 1222 00:49:48,000 --> 00:49:51,967 SO ONE OF THE GIRLS WAS LIKE, "LET'S PLAY A GAME." 1223 00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:55,100 AND I'M LIKE, "SUICIDE PACT? I'LL GO FIRST. 1224 00:49:55,133 --> 00:49:57,633 THIS PARTY'S THE WORST." 1225 00:49:57,667 --> 00:49:59,467 AND SHE GOES, "NO, LET'S ALL GO AROUND 1226 00:49:59,500 --> 00:50:01,833 AND ADMIT SOMETHING." 1227 00:50:01,867 --> 00:50:05,633 AND I'M LIKE, "OH, NO." 1228 00:50:05,667 --> 00:50:07,667 SO THESE GIRLS ARE GOING AROUND. 1229 00:50:07,700 --> 00:50:09,867 THEY ARE--THE SHIT THEY'RE ADMITTING IS SO BORING. 1230 00:50:09,900 --> 00:50:11,533 I CAN'T-- LIKE ONE GIRL WAS LIKE, 1231 00:50:11,567 --> 00:50:13,533 "ONCE, I FORGOT TO LET THE DOG OUT ALL DAY!" 1232 00:50:13,567 --> 00:50:16,033 AND THEY WERE ALL LIKE, "NO!" 1233 00:50:19,267 --> 00:50:22,033 I'M LIKE, "IS THIS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?" 1234 00:50:22,067 --> 00:50:25,000 SO THE GIRL THAT GOES RIGHT BEFORE ME, BRIDGET, 1235 00:50:25,033 --> 00:50:27,133 THE WORST HUMAN I'VE EVER MET. 1236 00:50:27,167 --> 00:50:28,367 I HOPE SHE SEES THIS. 1237 00:50:28,400 --> 00:50:30,700 THAT'S HOW BAD OF A PERSON SHE IS. 1238 00:50:30,733 --> 00:50:31,967 [cheers and applause] 1239 00:50:32,000 --> 00:50:35,067 LIKE, BRIDGET, I HOPE YOU'RE WATCHING THIS. 1240 00:50:35,100 --> 00:50:36,100 [soft voice] BUT SHE WOULDN'T. 1241 00:50:36,133 --> 00:50:39,867 SHE WOULDN'T BE UP THIS LATE. 1242 00:50:39,900 --> 00:50:41,000 [normal voice] SHE SPOKE THE SOFTEST. 1243 00:50:41,033 --> 00:50:42,333 YOU HAD TO, LIKE, LEAN IN AND SQUINT 1244 00:50:42,367 --> 00:50:43,833 AND READ HER LIPS 'CAUSE SHE JUST-- 1245 00:50:43,867 --> 00:50:46,833 [soft voice] BRIDGET TALKED LIKE AN ANGEL 1246 00:50:46,867 --> 00:50:48,633 WAS SLEEPING ON HER TONGUE. 1247 00:50:48,667 --> 00:50:53,333 [laughter] 1248 00:50:53,367 --> 00:50:55,533 [soft voice] * NO ONE WAKE THE ANGEL 1249 00:50:55,567 --> 00:50:58,367 * ON MY TONGUE 1250 00:50:58,400 --> 00:51:01,033 [normal voice] THAT'S NOT A REAL SONG, COMEDY CENTRAL. 1251 00:51:01,067 --> 00:51:04,600 [laughter] 1252 00:51:04,633 --> 00:51:06,133 SO ANYWAY, SHE'S LIKE, 1253 00:51:06,167 --> 00:51:07,533 "ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, IT'S MY TURN. 1254 00:51:07,567 --> 00:51:09,067 BRING IT IN." 1255 00:51:09,100 --> 00:51:10,633 AND WE'RE LIKE, "WE'RE IN 'CAUSE WE HAVE TO BE 1256 00:51:10,667 --> 00:51:12,700 'CAUSE YOU TALK LIKE FIEVEL." 1257 00:51:12,733 --> 00:51:14,500 [laughter] 1258 00:51:14,533 --> 00:51:17,333 USE YOUR DIAPHRAGM, BRIDGE. 1259 00:51:17,367 --> 00:51:19,733 SO SHE'S LIKE, "I'LL ADMIT THIS. 1260 00:51:19,767 --> 00:51:23,200 "SOMETIMES AFTER RICHARD FALLS ASLEEP, 1261 00:51:23,233 --> 00:51:27,833 I GET UP AND EAT ICE CREAM." 1262 00:51:27,867 --> 00:51:30,333 I JUST WANTED TO FIND ONE OTHER PAIR OF EYES BEING LIKE, 1263 00:51:30,367 --> 00:51:33,067 "WHAT A DUMB CUNT, RIGHT?" 1264 00:51:33,100 --> 00:51:34,900 BUT NOTHING. NO ONE. 1265 00:51:34,933 --> 00:51:35,967 THEY'RE ALL LOOKING AT HER LIKE, 1266 00:51:36,000 --> 00:51:39,200 "BRIDGET, YOU SHOULD BE ASLEEP." 1267 00:51:39,233 --> 00:51:41,500 [laughter] 1268 00:51:41,533 --> 00:51:46,000 "BRIDGET, IT'S NIGHT. CARBS? COME ON." 1269 00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:49,200 SO THEN IT'S MY TURN, 1270 00:51:49,233 --> 00:51:51,767 AND, UH, I DON'T LOOK AT MY FRIEND KATIE. 1271 00:51:51,800 --> 00:51:54,167 I JUST FEEL HER JUST GLARING AT ME JUST LIKE, 1272 00:51:54,200 --> 00:51:58,867 "DON'T BE YOURSELF RIGHT NOW, BITCH! 1273 00:51:58,900 --> 00:52:01,033 THIS IS MY NEW LIFE." 1274 00:52:01,067 --> 00:52:02,300 AND SO I'M LIKE, 1275 00:52:02,333 --> 00:52:05,200 "OKAY, UM, FIRST OF ALL, BRIDGET, 1276 00:52:05,233 --> 00:52:07,700 THANK YOU FOR BEING SO BRAVE." 1277 00:52:07,733 --> 00:52:13,633 [laughter] 1278 00:52:13,667 --> 00:52:15,567 "UH, I'LL ADMIT THIS. 1279 00:52:15,600 --> 00:52:17,600 "IT'S KIND OF LIKE YOUR ICE CREAM THING. 1280 00:52:17,633 --> 00:52:21,467 "UM, ONE TIME 1281 00:52:21,500 --> 00:52:25,200 I LET A CAB DRIVER FINGER ME." 1282 00:52:25,233 --> 00:52:27,267 [laughter] 1283 00:52:30,567 --> 00:52:33,500 [cheers and applause] 1284 00:52:41,633 --> 00:52:42,933 AND KATIE'S LIKE, 1285 00:52:42,967 --> 00:52:44,600 "THAT'S NOT HOW YOU PLAY, AMY." 1286 00:52:44,633 --> 00:52:46,633 I'M LIKE, "REALLY? 'CAUSE I FEEL I WON." 1287 00:52:46,667 --> 00:52:49,367 I FEEL--YOU GUYS, YOU WERE AN AMAZING CROWD. 1288 00:52:49,400 --> 00:52:50,900 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 1289 00:52:50,933 --> 00:52:52,867 [cheers and applause] 1290 00:53:02,033 --> 00:53:04,467 [mouths words] 1291 00:53:04,500 --> 00:53:06,600 [cheers and applause] 1292 00:53:22,200 --> 00:53:26,133 I FEEL LIKE THIS IS WHAT I WOULD FEEL LIKE, 1293 00:53:26,167 --> 00:53:29,200 LIKE, IF I EVER KEPT A BABY. 1294 00:53:29,233 --> 00:53:32,000 YOU KNOW, LIKE, THIS KIND OF A JOY. 1295 00:53:32,033 --> 00:53:34,333 [cheers and applause] 1296 00:53:49,967 --> 00:53:52,300 THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH. 1297 00:53:57,067 --> 00:53:58,767 THANK YOU. 1298 00:53:58,800 --> 00:54:00,867 FUCK, THANK YOU. 1299 00:54:00,900 --> 00:54:03,133 [cheers and applause] 1300 00:54:03,167 --> 00:54:07,500 OH! 1301 00:54:07,533 --> 00:54:10,367 I WANT TO JERK YOU ALL OFF, EVEN THE GIRLS. 1302 00:54:10,400 --> 00:54:12,133 EVEN THE GIRLS. 1303 00:54:12,167 --> 00:54:13,633 GUYS, THANK YOU. 1304 00:54:13,667 --> 00:54:14,967 I REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE IT. 1305 00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:16,567 UM, I KNOW YOU GUYS WERE THINKING LIKE, 1306 00:54:16,600 --> 00:54:17,900 "WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK OUT HERE?" 1307 00:54:17,933 --> 00:54:19,267 AND SOME OF YOU WERE JUST THINKING LIKE, 1308 00:54:19,300 --> 00:54:22,667 "YOU'RE SO PRETTY." 1309 00:54:22,700 --> 00:54:24,167 THANK ALL OF YOU. 1310 00:54:24,200 --> 00:54:26,233 BUT I WANTED TO COME OUT AND JUST SORT OF, LIKE, 1311 00:54:26,267 --> 00:54:28,567 GIVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY IF ANYBODY WANTS TO ASK A QUESTION, 1312 00:54:28,600 --> 00:54:30,000 LIKE, NOW IT'S THE TIME. 1313 00:54:30,033 --> 00:54:31,967 IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ABOUT MY SET. 1314 00:54:32,000 --> 00:54:33,167 YEAH? WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 1315 00:54:33,200 --> 00:54:34,900 AND WHAT--YOU'RE-- ACTOR ARE YOU? 1316 00:54:34,933 --> 00:54:37,400 [laughter] 1317 00:54:37,433 --> 00:54:38,800 - I'M CUBED. 1318 00:54:38,833 --> 00:54:39,800 - WHAT? 1319 00:54:39,833 --> 00:54:41,133 - MY NAME'S CUBED. 1320 00:54:41,167 --> 00:54:42,867 - CUBED? 1321 00:54:42,900 --> 00:54:44,800 DOES ANYBODY DIFFERENT HAVE A QUESTION? 1322 00:54:44,833 --> 00:54:46,100 [laughter] 1323 00:54:46,133 --> 00:54:47,633 WITH A NAME THAT MAKES SENSE? 1324 00:54:47,667 --> 00:54:49,767 NO, I'M JUST KIDDING. WHAT, UH, WHAT HAPPENED? 1325 00:54:49,800 --> 00:54:51,467 WHERE--WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS FROM? 1326 00:54:51,500 --> 00:54:52,600 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER? 1327 00:54:52,633 --> 00:54:53,633 - WHAT AM I DOING LATER? 1328 00:54:53,667 --> 00:54:54,733 OHH, CUBED. 1329 00:54:54,767 --> 00:54:56,667 DO YOU HAVE HPV? DO YOU WANT IT? 1330 00:54:56,700 --> 00:54:58,867 [laughter] 1331 00:55:01,400 --> 00:55:04,500 I HAVEN'T DRANK IN TWO MONTHS GETTING READY FOR THIS. 1332 00:55:04,533 --> 00:55:07,333 SO I'M GONNA, LIKE, BLACK OUT. 1333 00:55:07,367 --> 00:55:10,967 IF ANYBODY WANTS TO GET DOWN WITH ME, LIKE, SEXUALLY, 1334 00:55:11,000 --> 00:55:14,033 TONIGHT IS NOT THE NIGHT. 1335 00:55:14,067 --> 00:55:16,133 BUT, YES, I'M GONNA TIE ONE ON. 1336 00:55:16,167 --> 00:55:19,600 ANYBODY--YES, YOU SIR. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 1337 00:55:19,633 --> 00:55:21,067 - RICK. - HI, RICK. 1338 00:55:21,100 --> 00:55:22,967 - I WANT TO GIVE YOU A STANDING "O." 1339 00:55:23,000 --> 00:55:25,433 I THINK WE ALL SHOULD GIVE YOU A STANDING OVATION. 1340 00:55:25,467 --> 00:55:27,733 [cheers and applause] 1341 00:55:27,767 --> 00:55:30,333 THIS GUY'S SAD 'CAUSE HE'S WASTED. 1342 00:55:30,367 --> 00:55:33,467 YOU DON'T HAVE TO-- THANK YOU. 1343 00:55:33,500 --> 00:55:36,767 THIS IS GOOD FOR THE CAMERA. 1344 00:55:36,800 --> 00:55:39,567 [cheers and applause] 1345 00:55:39,600 --> 00:55:41,100 WOW. 1346 00:55:41,133 --> 00:55:42,733 THANK YOU. 1347 00:55:45,467 --> 00:55:47,367 OKAY, OKAY. THANK YOU. 1348 00:55:47,400 --> 00:55:49,167 THAT WAS--THAT WAS NICE. 1349 00:55:49,200 --> 00:55:50,667 A LOT OF PEOPLE WEREN'T INTO IT. 1350 00:55:50,700 --> 00:55:52,300 LIKE, A LOT OF PEOPLE GOT UP AND WERE JUST KIND OF LIKE, 1351 00:55:52,333 --> 00:55:53,933 [mouths words] 1352 00:55:53,967 --> 00:55:56,433 "OUR RESERVATIONS WERE, LIKE, TEN MINUTES AGO. 1353 00:55:56,467 --> 00:55:58,167 WHEN'S THIS BITCH GONNA WRAP IT UP?" 1354 00:55:58,200 --> 00:56:00,800 YES, YOU, GORGEOUS. HI. 1355 00:56:00,833 --> 00:56:02,100 - CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK, 1356 00:56:02,133 --> 00:56:04,267 POSSIBLY HAVE A COCKTAIL WITH YOU AT SOME POINT? 1357 00:56:04,300 --> 00:56:05,800 - OOH, THIS IS AWESOME. 1358 00:56:05,833 --> 00:56:07,433 YOU CAN DEFINITELY BUY ME A DRINK. 1359 00:56:07,467 --> 00:56:09,100 UM, I DON'T--I'M NOT GAY. 1360 00:56:09,133 --> 00:56:11,233 I MEAN, I'VE CAUGHT A FINGER. I'M NOT BORING. 1361 00:56:11,267 --> 00:56:13,267 TRUST ME. 1362 00:56:13,300 --> 00:56:15,300 BUT, YEAH, I COULD TOTALLY SEE THAT HAPPENING. 1363 00:56:15,333 --> 00:56:17,133 I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD BE WEIRD AT ALL. 1364 00:56:17,167 --> 00:56:18,700 YOUR BOYFRIEND DOESN'T SEEM TOO PSYCHED, 1365 00:56:18,733 --> 00:56:21,700 BUT HE'S ALL FIRED UP ABOUT PRIDE. 1366 00:56:21,733 --> 00:56:23,400 OH, YES, YOU. HI. 1367 00:56:23,433 --> 00:56:27,767 - SO UM, WHO IS YOUR COMEDY MENTOR? 1368 00:56:27,800 --> 00:56:29,133 - MY COMEDY MENTOR. 1369 00:56:29,167 --> 00:56:30,933 UM, THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. 1370 00:56:30,967 --> 00:56:34,033 UH, I HANG OUT WITH MOSTLY 45-YEAR-OLD DUDES. 1371 00:56:34,067 --> 00:56:35,600 THANK YOU. 1372 00:56:35,633 --> 00:56:37,367 THEY'RE ALL COMEDIANS. THEY'RE ALCOHOLICS. 1373 00:56:37,400 --> 00:56:40,133 LIKE, THEY DON'T DRINK ANYMORE 'CAUSE THEY CAN'T, YOU KNOW. 1374 00:56:40,167 --> 00:56:41,500 AND IT MAKES SENSE BECAUSE, 1375 00:56:41,533 --> 00:56:42,967 LIKE, THEY LOOK AT ME, AND THEY'RE JUST LIKE, 1376 00:56:43,000 --> 00:56:44,100 "OH, MY GOD." 1377 00:56:44,133 --> 00:56:45,300 LIKE, THEY THINK I'M SO HOT 1378 00:56:45,333 --> 00:56:47,067 JUST 'CAUSE I'M NOT THEIR WIVES. 1379 00:56:47,100 --> 00:56:49,267 UM, I WALK IN, THEY'RE LIKE... 1380 00:56:49,300 --> 00:56:50,967 * WHO'S THAT GIRL? 1381 00:56:51,000 --> 00:56:52,133 I'M LIKE, "WHAT?" 1382 00:56:52,167 --> 00:56:54,167 BUT OUT, LIKE, YOU KNOW, IN THE STREETS, 1383 00:56:54,200 --> 00:56:55,933 PEOPLE ARE JUST THROWING LIT CIGARETTES AT ME. 1384 00:56:55,967 --> 00:56:58,267 THEY'RE LIKE, "UGH, PASS." 1385 00:56:58,300 --> 00:57:01,867 SO, LIKE, DAVE ATTELL AND JIM NORTON. 1386 00:57:01,900 --> 00:57:03,000 [cheers and applause] 1387 00:57:03,033 --> 00:57:05,167 RIGHT? 1388 00:57:05,200 --> 00:57:06,267 [man shouts indistinctly] 1389 00:57:06,300 --> 00:57:08,067 AND SO--YEAH, YOU GOTTA LOVE THOSE GUYS. 1390 00:57:08,100 --> 00:57:09,667 YEAH--YES. 1391 00:57:09,700 --> 00:57:11,267 - OF WOMEN... - WOMEN. 1392 00:57:11,300 --> 00:57:13,567 - COMICS, WHO IS YOUR MENTOR? - OKAY. 1393 00:57:13,600 --> 00:57:17,067 OKAY, WELL, JESSICA KIRSON WAS MY MENTOR. 1394 00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:18,900 LIKE, SHE'S IN NEW YORK, AND SHE'S AMAZING. 1395 00:57:18,933 --> 00:57:20,867 AND THEN, UH, SORT OF WHERE SHE LEFT OFF, 1396 00:57:20,900 --> 00:57:23,433 I JUST LIKE--MY MENTOR, LIKE, THOSE GUYS TOOK ME ON THE ROAD 1397 00:57:23,467 --> 00:57:25,467 TO OPEN FOR THEM A LOT, SO THAT'S WHY. 1398 00:57:25,500 --> 00:57:28,433 BUT I GREW UP LOVING GILDA AND GOLDIE HAWN, 1399 00:57:28,467 --> 00:57:32,200 AND I LOVED MARGARET CHO AND SARAH, UH, PALIN. 1400 00:57:32,233 --> 00:57:33,400 I'M JUST KIDDING. 1401 00:57:33,433 --> 00:57:35,967 [laughter] 1402 00:57:36,000 --> 00:57:37,500 YOU, SIR. 1403 00:57:37,533 --> 00:57:39,000 - WHAT'S YOUR FEELING ANAL BLEACHING? 1404 00:57:39,033 --> 00:57:40,067 - ANAL BLEACHING. 1405 00:57:40,100 --> 00:57:42,167 I'M GLAD SOMEBODY BROUGHT THIS UP. 1406 00:57:42,200 --> 00:57:44,100 [laughter] 1407 00:57:44,133 --> 00:57:45,433 THAT'S A GREAT QUESTION. 1408 00:57:45,467 --> 00:57:47,533 OKAY, SO HERE'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT. 1409 00:57:47,567 --> 00:57:48,767 WHEN I HEARD ABOUT IT I WAS JUST LIKE, 1410 00:57:48,800 --> 00:57:50,700 "EW, EVERYBODY, CHILL OUT." 1411 00:57:50,733 --> 00:57:55,400 BUT THEN I LOOKED AT MY OWN ASSHOLE, AND I WAS LIKE, "WHOA! 1412 00:57:55,433 --> 00:57:57,133 "THAT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF THE UNIVERSE. 1413 00:57:57,167 --> 00:57:58,300 MAYBE WE SHOULD HOOK THAT UP." 1414 00:57:58,333 --> 00:58:00,100 BUT I STILL HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING. 1415 00:58:00,133 --> 00:58:03,133 BUT I KEEP A LOW PRO BUTT-WISE. 1416 00:58:03,167 --> 00:58:04,867 YOU--I'M DOING GOD'S WORK. 1417 00:58:04,900 --> 00:58:06,633 I MEAN, AM I HEALING PEOPLE? YES? 1418 00:58:06,667 --> 00:58:08,367 - [speaks indistinctly] 1419 00:58:08,400 --> 00:58:09,633 - MY FAVORITE CITY? 1420 00:58:09,667 --> 00:58:10,967 NEW YORK CITY, UH... 1421 00:58:11,000 --> 00:58:13,767 [cheers and applause] YEAH, UM... 1422 00:58:13,800 --> 00:58:17,767 UH, SORRY, ONE GIRL'S LIKE, "BOO." 1423 00:58:17,800 --> 00:58:20,600 I LIKE MADISON, WISCONSIN. 1424 00:58:20,633 --> 00:58:22,233 [cheering] 1425 00:58:22,267 --> 00:58:23,300 NICE. 1426 00:58:23,333 --> 00:58:25,333 AND I THINK CLEVELAND'S THE WORST. 1427 00:58:25,367 --> 00:58:28,700 [laughter] 1428 00:58:28,733 --> 00:58:31,667 YES, YOU SIR? 1429 00:58:31,700 --> 00:58:32,967 - WHY IS YOUR SISTER HERE? 1430 00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:34,733 - WHY IS MY SISTER HERE? 1431 00:58:34,767 --> 00:58:37,433 YOU KNOW WHAT, I HAVE NO IDEA. 1432 00:58:37,467 --> 00:58:39,267 I DIDN'T FLY HER IN. SHE SHOWED UP. 1433 00:58:39,300 --> 00:58:40,833 SHE SHOWS UP WHEREVER I AM. 1434 00:58:40,867 --> 00:58:45,433 UM, MY SISTER IS HERE BECAUSE, UH, 1435 00:58:45,467 --> 00:58:47,333 SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD, 1436 00:58:47,367 --> 00:58:49,667 AND I LOVE HER AND TRUST HER MORE THAN ANYONE. 1437 00:58:49,700 --> 00:58:52,033 AND I DEDICATE THIS SHOW TO HER. 1438 00:58:52,067 --> 00:58:53,400 [cheers and applause] 1439 00:58:53,433 --> 00:58:57,167 AND I WANT TO THANK MY MOM, WHO'S NOT A CUNT AT ALL. 1440 00:58:57,200 --> 00:58:58,700 MY MOM-- PLEASE CLAP FOR MY MOM. 1441 00:58:58,733 --> 00:59:00,133 SHE'S NOT A CUNT. 1442 00:59:00,167 --> 00:59:01,333 [cheers and applause] 1443 00:59:01,367 --> 00:59:04,033 BUT HER BUSH WAS HUGE WHEN I WAS GROWING UP. 1444 00:59:04,067 --> 00:59:05,767 THAT WAS TRUE. 1445 00:59:05,800 --> 00:59:08,300 OKAY, YEAH? 1446 00:59:08,333 --> 00:59:10,867 - DO YOU HAVE TO PEE AS BAD AS I DO? 1447 00:59:10,900 --> 00:59:12,833 - OH, OKAY, SHE HAS TO PEE, AND SHE'S REALLY PRETTY. 1448 00:59:12,867 --> 00:59:14,067 SO EVERYONE'S, LIKE, 1449 00:59:14,100 --> 00:59:15,533 GIVEN HER WHATEVER SHE WANTS HER WHOLE LIFE. 1450 00:59:15,567 --> 00:59:17,667 [laughter] 1451 00:59:21,367 --> 00:59:22,667 UH, I DON'T HAVE TO PEE AT ALL. 1452 00:59:22,700 --> 00:59:23,900 IT'S PRETTY SWEET. 1453 00:59:23,933 --> 00:59:26,933 I FEEL, LIKE, PHYSICALLY REAL COMFORTABLE UP HERE. 1454 00:59:26,967 --> 00:59:28,433 I COULD HANG OUT. 1455 00:59:28,467 --> 00:59:29,767 IF YOU DON'T MIND, 1456 00:59:29,800 --> 00:59:32,067 I'M GONNA DO MY 90-MINUTE ONE-WOMAN SHOW NOW. 1457 00:59:32,100 --> 00:59:36,300 UM... 1458 00:59:36,333 --> 00:59:38,867 [cheers and applause] 1459 00:59:38,900 --> 00:59:39,933 THANK YOU. 1460 00:59:39,967 --> 00:59:41,767 THANK YOU, COMEDY CENTRAL. 1461 00:59:41,800 --> 00:59:43,233 AND THANK YOU, GUYS. 1462 00:59:43,267 --> 00:59:44,667 THANK YOU. 1463 00:59:44,700 --> 00:59:47,567 [cheers and applause] 1464 00:59:47,600 --> 00:59:50,600 - * IT DOESN'T GO AWAY 1465 00:59:50,633 --> 00:59:53,733 * WHEN YOU'RE TRYING NOT TO STAY * 1466 00:59:53,767 --> 00:59:57,333 * IT DOESN'T GO AWAY NO MATTER THE DAYS * 1467 00:59:57,367 --> 00:59:59,100 - DAD DIED. 1468 00:59:59,133 --> 01:00:01,133 - WHEN? 1469 01:00:01,167 --> 01:00:05,567 - I GUESS, LIKE, TODAY. 1470 01:00:05,600 --> 01:00:07,000 [sighs] 1471 01:00:07,033 --> 01:00:08,033 - ARE YOU GONNA TALK ABOUT IT ONSTAGE? 104427