All language subtitles for Carry.On.Columbus.1992.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].eng

♪♪

[gong crashes]

Oh, Mighty One,

the first caravan
of the day has arrived

from Samarkand
for your inspection.

♪♪ [trumpet fanfare]

'Tis poor quality,
oh, mighty one.

I'm merely passing through
on my way to Venice.

Oh, just passing through,
are you?

Well, I'm afraid that
attracts both import

and export duties.

Oh, yes,
100 in and 100 out.

200%?

Mm-hmm.

It's not for nothing
that the mighty one

is called
Abdul the Benevolent.

I know, I know,
I'm a fool to myself.

Oh, Mighty One,
please have mercy

on a penniless merchant.

I'll be ruined!

Ne-ext!

[gong crashes]

♪♪

What's this lot, then?

Garden ornaments
and pottery?

No, no, this is medicinal
herbs from China.

This one is rhubarb.Uh-huh.

And what of
the other one?

Oh, this one is ginger.

Oh... is he?

Well, perhaps
you'd better give him

a stick of rhubarb,
then.

Pharmaceuticals, 200%.

Oh, Mighty One,
this will ruin me!

Yes, yes.

The soup kitchen's that way.

Ohh... I am ruined.

Ruined!

Oh...

Whoops.

What's that powder?

[sniffing]

It's p-p-p--

[sneezing]
pepper!

And what is the street value
of this pepper?

Come on, own up!

Value nothing--
in China,

we have no streets!

Pepper peddler!

Fine him... double.

That's 1000%.

I said double!

That's 2,000.

1,000, 2,000?

That's 3,000!

Ohh, I am ruined.

Ruined...

[both sigh]

Good.

Ne-ext...

[gong crashes]

[wheezing]

Well, here's one ruined
before he started.

[wheezing]That's far enough.

Ugh...
[coughing]

What's he bringing in?

It's not perfume,
that's for sure.

No, this one
is a messenger.

Oh, good.

What do we charge
on messages?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, Mighty One,
the message is for you.

For me?Yeah.

I come hotfoot
from Lisbon.

He brings news of
what the Lisbonians

are getting up to.

Well, I don't care
what they get up to,

as long as they don't
do it in the street

and frighten the camels.

No, no,
the city of Lisbon.

[gasps]
Oh, the one in Portugal!

Quite correct,
Oh, Mighty One.

And, if I'm not mistaken,

he brings you a message
from Achmed the Shoemaker.

Hmm?Our secret agent
in Lisbon.

Right,
right, right.

And, uh, where is
this message?

[snorts, flies buzzing]

It's, uh,
it's in my boot.

May I take it off?

Oh...
oh, well...

very well,
if you must.

[straining]

It's a bit hard,
Your Highness.

I haven't had it off
in a year.

Yeah, and I can't
say I'm surprised!

[pop, flies buzzing]

[grunting]

"Oh, Mighty Sultan...

"A certain
Christopher Co-lumbus,

"who has the mapmaking shop
next to me,

claims he can reach
the Indies by sea."

By sea?By sea?!

But if he succeeds, no trade
will pass through Turkey.

And we shall be ruined!

Ruined!

Summon Fatima
the Circassian.

[gong crashes]

♪♪

You rang,
Oh, Mighty One?

Well, Fatima...

You're off to Lisbon
on our swiftest galley.

There, you must meet
with Achmed the Shoemaker.

I want you to keep an eye
on his doings.

As you command,
Oh, Mighty One.

I cannot emphasize
the seriousness of your mission.

For should this mariner
Colum-bus find a way by sea

to the Indies,
we shall all be ruined!

And I shall be forced
to make drastic cuts.

Where's the wazir?

Well, he was here.

But I think you put
the wind up him.

Then it all
depends on you, Fatima.

And should this Columbus
have a route...

Be assured I shall
get my hands on it.

Hmm...

good girl.

♪♪

Christopher Columbus?

At your service, sir.

I'm told
you're an Italian.

Oh, indeed I am, sir,
mwah!

From Genoa.

Mm, well, I'm planning
an expedition.

Fancy that--
so am I.

Oh, where to?

Well, I seek a route

across the great sea
of gloom

to China and the Indies.

Do you indeed?

Well, I'm off to Italy,

and I seek a good,
reliable map.

Oh, well, in that case,
please be seated.

And I shall ask my brother
what we have in stock.

Ah, thank you.

Customer wants a map
of Italy.

No, we've sold out.

Tell him to come back
next week.

No, he wants it now.

Chris, you can't sell him
a map of Italy

if we don't have one.

Who can't?

Here we are, sir.

One map of Italy,
500 maravedis.

Well, let me
see it first.

There we are.

[laughs,
speaks Spanish]

I can't take that home.

Why, what's wrong
with it?

Well, look at it.

Yeah, well, they've
had a bit of soil erosion.

Made it go in
a bit there.

And the volcanic activity
down there,

it made it
go out a bit.

We can have it
touched up for you.

I'm referring
to the naked mermaids.

We could have them
touched up as well.

[dog barking]

"Achmed the Shoemaker,

"Barber and Surgeon,

Christian Convert."

Thank you.

And "Cobblers to the Pope."

Take a seat, sir.
No waiting.

Fatima waits
for no man.

Aah!

Fatima, what are you
doing here?

What's happening?

I have come
from the sultan.

You've cut my ear off!

[loudly]
Don't worry, sir!

I'll soon stick it
back on!

Eh?

Another complaint
about your maps.

Who from?The cardinal.

What, too many mermaids?

No, not enough cherubs.Ohh.

You know, I tell you,
the sooner we find

a route to the Indies
and get out of this business,

the better.

Well, I'm off
to Italy next week.

Michelangelo wants to do me
up on the ceiling.

Well, you mind you hang on
to something

while you're up there.

Now listen,
the sultan has sent me here

to be in charge
of operations.

Well, you weren't
much help with the ear.

What news of Columbus?

Not a lot.

But do you keep him
under observation?

Yeah, of course.

By what means?

Ah.

What a giant step
in espionage.

Yeah, well, I was 20 years
in naval intelligence.

♪♪ [sexy jazz music]

Do you mind if I look?

There's nothing
to look at.

Then why are you so keen?

That's how I get to the bottom
of his enterprises.

♪♪

Do you think
the sultan pays you

to look at naked women?

What naked women?

Well, that's it for today.

Agh!

Hmph,
serves you right.

[dog barking]

Good day, sir.

I believe you are
Christopher Columbus.

That is true,
excellence.

I am Mordecai Mendoza,

formerly
of the Jewish faith,

but now a convert
to Christianity.

Are you collecting
for something?

Collecting-- no, no, no,
I've come here to help you.

I understand that you are
seeking a safe passage

across
the Great Sea of Gloom.

Yes.Yes, sir.

It's an ancient Hebrew
manuscript,

the logbook
of Moysha the Navigator.

Moysha the Navigator?

The first man to sail
around the world

in the year 207 B.C.

That's incredible.

Where can we talk
in private?

Oh!Thank you.

Ooh!

[Columbus]
I knew there was a route
to the Indies.

Now I've found it.

It's in Hebrew!

It might as well
be in Chinese.

I speak that as well.

Also,
I'm a master mariner.

I have everything
necessary for the voyage.

Good, have you
got a ship?

Well, no,
haven't you?

No.[muttering]

What a job
coming in here--No, no, no, look!

Hang on a bit,
hang on a bit!

'Cause I can get one.

I can raise the money.

I have an audience

with Queen Isabella
of Spain.

We'll show her the documents,
travel tomorrow.

Spain, I can't
carry this to Spain.

Why not?Well, the Spanish
Inquisition.

I'll be arrested!No, no, you are
a convert!

Well, they're making it
especially hot for converts.

Any convert found with a book
or a document in Hebrew

is burned alive!

Look, perhaps it's best
if I took the document.

Well, you carry this
to Spain?

Look, don't worry,
I won't steal it.

I know you won't.

I'm coming with you.
[whimpers]

Inform the sultan
we leave for Spain.

♪♪

[men chanting]
Lord Torquemada,

we are assembled here
before you

to ask your blessing.

Answer me in turn.

What is the purpose
of our order?

To strike terror
into the hearts

of Jews and Muslims.

And how is this
to be done?

By interrogation
under torture.

And how are they
to be detected?

By offering them
forbidden food,

such as pork and ham.

[bell clanging]

Here, where has he gone?

[all chanting]
To cut the ham sandwiches.

[crickets chirping]

[man]
And stay out!

[door slams]Hey, what's that?

Look, will you
stop worrying?

Tomorrow, we show
the queen the scroll.

After that, you'll be
under her protection.

That's tomorrow--
how about tonight?

[Columbus]
Just keep walking.

Leave everything to me.

Huh.Evening, brothers.

[all chuckling nervously]

[humming]

A moment.

Would you care
for a ham sandwich?

Oh, we'd love one.

♪♪

I can't eat this.

And why not?

There's no mustard on it.

No mustard on it.

Well, there wasn't!

Mine was covered in fluff,
and I ate it.

Help the poor,
sir.

Help the starving
and the needy.

Oh, thank you, sir,
thank you.

Sleep well.

[door creaks]

Shh.

I'll search the room.

You watch out
for the others.

[snoring]

They're coming.

[snoring continues]

Oh... what are you
doing in there?

[snoring continues]

I came for a further
contribution.

And did he give you one?

Good night, gentlemen.

♪♪

But, Columbus, we are
an impoverished country.

Exactly, Sire.

And the only answer
to Spain's problem

is to speculate.

One must speculate
to accumulate.

Unfortunately,
one has to accumulate

before one
can afford to speculate.

Precisely, Sire,
and how better to accumulate

than to acquire
in one fell swoop

all the treasures
of the Indies?

How right you are, Columbus.

How wise.

What makes you think
he's up to it?

I have seen
his testimonials.

[Ferdinand]
Hmm...

Yeah, I'm sure you have.

But we can't afford it.

Perhaps if we economized
on certain articles

around the court...

[chuckling]
Oh... yes.

Esmeralda.

My dear...
how are you?

Oh, very well.

My husband, the Count,

has got the Canaries.

Oh, dear, poor man--
is he in much pain?

His cousin, the king,
has made him governor

of the Canary Islands.

Oh, how nice.

[forced chuckle]

When will you sail?

Next week...
it's such a nuisance

because,
later in the year,

we have to come back.

Why?

My daughter Maria
is to wed

the Duke of Costa Brava.

What, him?

I... now, I--
oh, what?

I beg your pardon, madam.

But he's--
he's--

He's in the prime
of life.

And one of the richest men
in Spain.

Do you know him?

Of course.
[chuckles]

Chiquita!

Mmm...

[guard]
Later, darling.

Milady.

You are here
to chaperone Maria.

Yes, Milady.

Remember, men who
seduce young women

lurk everywhere.

Yes, Milady,
that is why

I was keeping my eye
on the soldiers.

Hmm.

[indistinct chatter]

♪♪

Do you await
an audience, sir?

No, I'm with my brother.

He's in there
with the queen.

You're not Spanish,
are you?

I'm Italian, actually,
um, a painter.

Oh, I adore art.

Do you know, perchance,
Leonardo Da Vinci?

Oh, Lenny?

Yes, very well,
and of course, uh, Mick.

Mick?

Michelangelo?

Then, of course,
there's old Mona.

Oh... so you
know my mother.

[loudly]
I was telling her
how you met.

Who, met who, who?

My daughter!

Your betrothed.Her betrothed?

Ooh, yes...
betrothed.

They met horse riding.

It was love
at first sight.

But... is he...
able to?

I mean, can he...

But of course he can.

He has two men
who lift him on and off.

Lift him on and off...
what?

Well, his horse, of course.

[chuckles]
Very well.

Columbus,
I've been persuaded

to finance your
expedition.

Thank you, Sire.

Have you a list
of your requirements?

I have them here.

I'll make it brief.

Firstly,
the ship and supplies.

Secondly, that I be
appointed Lord High Admiral

and raised to the nobility.

Thirdly, that I am made
viceroy and governor

of all the Indies,
including Japan, China,

and anywhere else I find.

Plus...

Plus what?

10% of all the treasure.

Guards!

Remove him!

No, Sire, look, you're
making a big mistake.

Stop it, will you
let go of my arm?

There's need for the back--

You're throwing away
a fortune!

Ha!How did it go?

What's happening?

They're thinking
about it.

♪♪

[squeaking]

Would you mind
moving that back?

I can't see anything.

You never can.

Columbus offers you
all the wealth of the Indies,

and you have him
thrown out.

He wanted 10%.

[chuckles]
10%.

Leaving you 90,

90% of all the wealth
of the Indies.

Do you have any idea how much
gold there is in China?

No, no... do you?

Hmph, well, there has to be
more than you've got.

One candle
between the two of us.

Never mind what I've got.

What's this Columbus got
that you're after?

Meafter?

What about that
brazen hussy at court?

I see she's wearing
a new gold necklace.

And where did she
get that from?

Nobody knows, do they?

No wonder there's no gold
left in the treasury.

If you're going to smother
all your fancy women in gold,

then let us bring it in
from China.

Wholesale.Yes, my dear--

Oh, ooh, ooh--
my cojones,ooh!

Now, Columbus,
Father Torquemada

has read your document.

But it's in Hebrew.

Yes, well, he had
a Jewish grandmother.

Didn't he?

At the seminary
I attended,

it was compulsory.

What, do you mean they all
had Jewish grandmothers?

Ferdinand, remember
to whom you are talking.

The Grand Inquisitor.

He has the power
of life and death

over everybody in Spain.

Oh... I'm so sorry.

To continue...

Father Torquemada
confirms

this document is the record
of an early voyage.

And because of this,

we are reconsidering
your terms.

Come closer, Christopher.

Ah...
it's "Christopher" now.

Christopher, we shall
finance your expedition.

And my God go with you.

[indistinct crowd chatter]

♪♪

Ha ha!

This is it!

The "Santa Maria."

Fantastic.

Where's the crew?

Well, Mort is to be
navigator and sailing master.

You'll be the master's mate.

What, me?

And that's it,
is it?

Well, so far,
but we'll have

no bother
rounding up the rest.

Look at the vessel.

[grunting]

Now roll up!

Roll up and sign on
for the voyage of a lifetime!

See the wonders
of the Indies.

See mermaids
at their frolics.

See lovely ladies from China.

Two-headed men from Japan.

One-legged cannibals,
victims of their own gluttony.

Oh, thank you.

And it's all on the inside!

All on the inside...
of the "Santa Maria."

I think you're flogging
a dead horse, ducky.

It's the Inquisition, darling.

All the sailors are busy

taking the Jews and Arabs
to Morocco.

They don't mind
what they pay.

Yes, but what about the ones
who can't afford to pay?

Oh... you mean like
that lot over there?

[overlapping chatter]

Lovely gents' outfits,
nearly new.

Carpet oddments,
hardly been walked on.

Candle stubs,
hardly been lit!

Turkish delight,
lovely Turkish delight.

Hardly been chewed!

Do any of you lively lads
wish to go to Morocco?

We can't
afford the fare.

Then sign on
as crew.

No, we're
not sailors.

But you can be!

See, I am in charge
of a government-funded

nautical academy:

the training ship
"Santa Maria."

We sail on Wednesday.

[all whispering]

Can we think about it?

Of course you can.

The Inquisition
won't be here till Thursday.

♪♪

Spare a copper for
the snake charmer, sir?

Bring you
very good luck.

I can't see
any snake.

No snake?
[gasps]

Oh, my God,
he has escaped.

Oh, sir, he has
gone up your tunic.

Ohh, madam,
that is no snake!

Sorry,
you very big boy.

Ohh!I found him.

And that's no snake,
either!

Hey, hey, you!

Hey, leave
my sister alone!

She's only seven!

[whispering]
Achmed!

Don't worry,
I have it.

Let me see.

This isn't in Hebrew.

It's in Spanish.

Well, what
does it say?

"To bold,
adventure loving seamen,

Columbus needs you."

Huh!

[man]
Twirl those sheets, lad.

You...

I, sir,
am the master's mate.

I don't care who
you're friendly with.

I wish to see Columbus.

Columbus...

Yes?

I'm Don Juan Felipe.

I've been appointed
by the king

to look after
the ship's books.

Oh, the librarian!

Well, we haven't got much.

"How to Avoid Sea Serpents."

"Madame Fifi's Guide
to the Pleasures of--"

No, Captain, by books
I mean accounts.

I am to keep straight
control of your expenditure.

Now, how many crew
do you have?

Well, not as many
as I'd like.

Well, the king has sent you
this royal warrant.

That will help you
man the ship.

I use the word "man"
in its fullest sense,

you understand.

Now, kindly have someone
to show me to my cabin.

I'm sailing with you.

Oh, really?

I don't think you'd
enjoy that experience.

Why not-- I insist.

Single cabin, port side.

But we are rather crowded.

Perhaps something nice.

A mid-ships?

Mm...

♪♪

[man]
Tickets for the hanging!

[bell rings]

Tickets for the hanging!

Tuesday and Thursday.

Reduced prices
for children.

Oh, hello.

Are-- are you
the doorkeeper?

No, I'm the governor.

It's the doorkeeper's
day off.

Well, I have
an order from the king

which offers a free pardon
to any inmate

who volunteers
to sail with us.

Walk this way.

[man]
Tickets to the hanging!

Half price for children!

[whimpering]

Can I have
a drink, please?

[man moaning]

[rat squeaking]

[man]
No, that's not...

[second man]
The queen is...

[man]
No, that's the king,
isn't it?

All right, if I can have
your attention now, please.

Quiet, everybody.

Quiet, please,
quiet.

[chains clanking]

That's better.

Now, Admiral Columbus

is going on
a lovely sea trip.

And he's here to tell us
all about it.

Gentlemen...

I am here to offer you
the chance of a lifetime.

To break free
from these shackles

and sail the mighty ocean.

To feel the sun and breeze
on your faces,

blue skies overhead.

Fine foods, gay companions,
ha ha!

And, at the end of the voyage,

a chance to share
in the untold gold...

of the Indies.

[indistinct chatter]

Now, doesn't that
sound lovely?

I do wish
I was coming with you.

[whispering]This is Pepi,

the Portuguese
Poisoner.

How do you do,
Mr. Columbus?

Does he only poison
Portuguese?

[chuckles]
No, he'll poison anyone.

He's a wonderful cook,

unless he gets
in one of his moods.

They're hanging him
Thursday.

This is our
Andalucian arsonist,

Tonto the Torch.

All right.

He's really quite safe.

They're hanging him
Thursday.

And this is Marco,
the serial killer.

A serial killer.

Beats his victims to death
with a sack of Rice Crispies.

[man groaning,
bones cracking]

I've done me back in
again.

Please.

I do wish you'd
take him.

[governor]
All right, then.

So glad you said that.

[both]
Because they were
hanging him Thursday.

[man]
Come on, let's get
your backs into it!

[overlapping chatter]

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Strike their chains off
and sign 'em on.

Come along, boys.

We'll soon
make you comfy.

[man]
Bring that bale over here!

Pick it up!

That man on the rope!

You mean you want
to come with us?

Oh, I'd love to.

You made it all
sound so lovely.

Well, let's see
what we can offer.

Oh, I know!

Welfare officer.

And what does he do?

Well, if anyone has
to be flogged, he flogs them.

If anyone has to be hanged,
he hangs them.

I can do that
standing on my head.

[laughs]
Sign here.

[man shouting indistinctly]

Get your backs into it!

[knock on door]

Come in.

Ahem.Ah.

Have you ever
been to sea before?

Oh, yes, sir,
I'm an able seaman.

Good--
800 maravedis.

Sign here.

Oh.

Oh, that...

Uh, I can't
read or write.

Oh, just make your mark.

Mark.

Can you count?

So can I.

How many fingers?

Um... uh...
one.

Uh... two.

Uh... three.

Very good, keep going.

Three, three, three...
eight.

Eight, exactly.

And here's
your 800 maravedis.

One, two, three, eight.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

[overlapping chatter]

Well, hello, sailor.

I'm not a sailor.

I'm the representative
of the King of Spain.

I'm Don Juan.

I'm Juan, too.

Juan Diego.

I'm the welfare officer.

I take it
we're sharing.

I was told I was getting
a cabin of my own.

Yes, well, I was
told that as well.

But it's obviously
a double cabin.

So much more roomy
than the captain's.

I'll tell you what.

You have this end,
I'll have the other.

And, if you get lonely,

you can always
come up my end.

[man shouting]

[squeaking, rope creaking]

[thud]

[man]
Unhitch it, would ya?

Yes, with pleasure.

Just look what
they've sent down.

A barrel of wine
for the two of us.

Come on, lads!

We've got to get everything
stowed by sunset!

We're sailing tomorrow.

All right, lower away!

Let go... let go.

Carry on.

[knock on door]Come in.

Hello, Captain,
remember me?

Your old neighbor?

Why, yes.

I've heard about
your voyages,

and I'd really
like to join.

Right, well, let's see
what vacancies we have.

I've also got
my nephew with me.

Oh, he's a bright lad.

Hmm, he wants
to come also.

Well, we need a steward,
plus a surgeon,

a shipwright,
and a sailmaker.

I'll take 'em.

Which one?

All of them.

I'm not paying you
three men's wages.

How about two?

All right, two, but I am not
paying your nephew.

That's all right,
the sultan pays him.

What?

I said, um...

he'd be insulted
if you paid him.

Well, where is he?

Oh, he's outside.
I'll bring him in.

Uh, Tema!

Tema?

Uh, yeah, it's, um,
short for Te-mothy.

Well, Te-mothy...

sign here.

Thank you, Captain.

Bottoms up.

Ah.

What's in that one?

Ahem.

[men shouting indistinctly
on deck]

Pickled onions.

I must say,
they're spoiling us.

All these provisions,
just for the two of us.

[squeaking]

[man]
Unhitch it, will ya?

Aye, aye, sir.

Take her up.

[man]
All right, heave!

Oh, ah!

Oh, uh,
sit still, Juan.

Ooh...

Da da, Juan.

Lower the ropes!

[sputtering]

[sighs]

That wine is strong.

I went quite dizzy
for a moment.

[snoring]

♪♪ ["Rock-a-bye Baby" playing]

Hey... now we're on board,
what do we do?

Now we have to sabotage
the voyage.

Did you bring poison?

Of course.

[chuckles]

Well...

we sail
on the morning tide.

Have you got the first leg
of our journey mapped?

Well, God willing.

It's not easy navigating
in Hebrew.

If I'm not careful,
we'll be sailing backwards.

Hey, you aloft!

Get a move on!

[man]
Lower the gangplank!

[indistinct chatter]

Shove that
in the captain.

In the captain?

No...

the capstan!

Weight anchor!

Aye, sir!

Weigh anchor!

Weigh...Anchor, that's it!

[overlapping chatter]

In God's name,

make it go!

[overlapping shouting]

Aye, starboard!

Aye, starboard!

[overlapping shouting]

[all cheer]

Well, brother,
we made it.

We made it.
We are away.

Ha ha!

[overlapping shouting]

♪♪

Steady as she goes!

Steady as she goes!

[overlapping shouting]

[seagulls calling]

Hello, Tonto.

Is it true your known
as the Andalucian Arsonist?

I have been
called that, yes.

Then perhaps you should
do something

before this Columbus
sails us to our doom.

What... you mean
set fire...

to the ship?

Not completely, no.

Just enough to make him
turn the ship

back to Spain.

[snoring]

[whoosh]

Go below and check
we're watertight.

Right.

[snoring]

[squeaking]

[bubbling]

Juan!

Juan,
wake up, Juan.

You stay there,
I'll get a bung.

[pop]

[indistinct chatter]

[man]
Aye, sir.

Here, we've just had
a leak in the hold.

Oh, did you?

Well, next time,
do it over the side.

♪♪

Good morning, Captain.

I've been counting
the ship's crew.

There seem to be
several men missing.

Missing?Yes.

Wherefore is
officer shipwright?

He's aloft.

And what's he doing?

He's shortening
the spritsail yard.

And the sailmaker?

Oh, he's aloft as well.

Doing what?

He's sewing up
the slash in the spritsail

that the shipwright
made with his saw

while he was shortening
the spritsail yard.

And the surgeon?

Oh, he's up there as well.

And what's he doing?

He's sewing up
the shipwright's shin.

You see, the sailmaker
shot the shipwright in the shin

when he saw what he'd done
with his sword to the spritsail.

[coughs]

Do you know what I think,
Columbus?

Tell me.

I think you're full
of shifty chicanery

and subterfuge.

Thank you very much.

♪♪

Whoa, whoa, oh...

[whimpering]

[laughing]

Ooh, poor thing.

Well, you're all wet.

Give me the poison.

I'll ad some spice
to the captain's dinner.

Yes, but...
what if it goes wrong?

Leave it to me.

Hello, Pepi.Mm-hmm.

Did you know this ship
was alive with rats?

Mm, quite big, long,
black, furry things with teeth.

Yes, yes.Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm saving those
for the goulash, you see.

But the captain wants
to get rid of them.

He's given me this
very powerful rat poison.

You, being the expert,

would know best
how to use it.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

You're right,
me old shipmate.

[laughs]

Leave it with me, huh?

Poison up--
Uh-- grub!

Grub up!

Grub up...
grub up!

Ah, good evening, lad.

What's for dinner?

The cook made it
specially for you, sir.

It's hot pot.

Ah.

[creak, thud]

What the hell is that?

I think it's a little
too hot... sir.

[sizzling]

[yelps]

[man]
Two bells.

[bell clanging]

So what am I
accused of then?

Trying to poison
the captain,

you bad boy.

No... no...

No, I was trying
to poison the rats.

Must have just forgotten
to wash me hands.

[squeaking]

Where are we,
according to Moysha?

Let me have a look, uh...

"Sailing west by southwest,
the 11th of September.

"It was my son's
13th birthday.

"He had reached manhood.

Suddenly, a great fog
descended upon us."

What is it today?

It's the 11th of September.

Hmm...
"The fog was so thick,

"that no man had ever seen
its like before.

Men holding lanterns
walked into each other."

[glass shatters,
men grunt]

[man]
Watch where you're going!

[second man]
Yes, sir!

"The compass began to swing
backwards and forwards.

"Then, suddenly,
it went mad,

as if possessed by demons."

[squeaking]

Now to starboard.Eh?

Now to port.Port?

Now to starboard!What?

Chris... Chris!

Chris, the compass!

It's going mad,
as if it were somehow...

Possessed by demons!

How did you know?

Mm...

Uh, "This part
of the sea

"has a curse on it.

"The area is in
the shape of a triangle.

"Once a ship
gets into it,

"it will sail forever
in a triangular course

"forever and ever,

"and disappear from
the sight of man.

"Because it was my son's
13th birthday,

I called it
the Bar Mitzvah Triangle."

The Bar Mitzvah Triangle.

"It seemed we were doomed
to sail for eternity,

"up one leg, down the other,

"and along the hypotenuse.

"A Greek fellow on board
said this proved something,

"but before we could
find out what,

he was eaten
by a sea serpent!"

If there's one thing that
scared the shit out of me,

it's sea serpents!

"Suddenly, they were
all around us.

"Slimy, hideous creatures,

"their fangs dripping
with blood.

"As they caught him
and crunched him up

"the boatswain let out
one final,

bloodcurdling scream."

[man screams]

[screaming]

[gasping]

He dropped that
right on my foot.

"There was only one way
out of our dreadful peril.

"A drastic
course of action,

but we had no alternative."

Uh...

Oh, come on--
go on, go on.

Don't rush me, it's
the end of one scroll.

Go on!All right,
don't you start!

For goodness sake,
I'm doing my best.

No, go on, go on--
does he give any clue

as to how
he got out of it?

Give me it,
give me it.

"As we continued through
the fog,

"we saw ships abandoned
by their crews,

"ghost ships manned
only by phantoms,

demons, and hobgoblins."

Not hobgoblins.

Not them
andsea serpents!

Hang on!

Pull yourself together!

Let's go look
at the compass.

Yeah.

[compass squeaking]

You, out there--
stand still.

♪♪

Welfare officer...

Yes, Captain?

Take that man's ball off!

Which one?

Captain, Captain!

I see a ship on port bow!

Big, big ship!

How far away?

[sobbing]
About that far!

[crash]

[all shouting]

Lower fenders,
lower fenders!

Ho, starboard!

Lower the fenders!

Lower the fenders!

Come, everyone!

Ahoy there, we are
the "Santa Maria"!

Who are you?

[echoing]
Who are you?

I told ya!

We are the "Santa Maria"!

[echoing]
"Santa Maria"!

There's
no other border!

[echoing]
There's no other boarder!

She's a ghost ship!

[echoing]
Ghost ship!

I'm going aboard her.

Who's coming with me?

[men muttering]

Two volunteers-- you and you.

One pace forward.

Aw, come on, lads!

Where's your spirit
of adventure?

Would you have me
go on my own?

[all]
Yes.

I...
Pepi the Poisoner,

would very much
like to come, sir.

Unchain him.

Here, gov...
I'll come too.

♪♪ [mysterious music]

Not a living soul aboard.

A table
set for a meal.

My God, it's hot.

And it's delicious!

Etiquette, men,
etiquette!

[indistinct]

Captain, where are you?

It's me...

the lovely Diego.

Don't hide from me...

Captain.

[man ranting indistinctly]

I hope we haven't
forgotten anything.

Oh, I don't think so,
Mama.

[whispering]
Esmeralda.

[clears throat]

Why are you pushing her
into this marriage?

Because I'm thinking
of her future.

What future?

What future has she
got with a man

old enough to be myfather?

[knock on door]

Come.

Would you care to join us
on board for dinner, ma'am.

We're having chicken
in white wine.

More chicken,
Captain?

Just a touch.

I must save room
for the pudding.

Ha, this peach
is invaluable.

More wine, anyone?

[burps]

Bless you.

Pirates.Aah!

No!

That's what happened,
Tonto.

The ship
was attacked by pirates.

And then the crew
was all massacred.

And the bodies
thrown overboard.

And then they left her,
adrift and unmanned...

in the middle of the ocean.

She's a dangerous ship,
Captain.

She should be sunk.

Set fire to!

Yes, yes, all right.

Pass the pudding.

[laughter]

Cooey.

Not too late, am I?

Just look at this big spread.

Ahem.

I could do with something
hot inside me.

[whispers]
How 'bout this?

Mmm!

Full as an egg.

[drunken babbling]

[laughing]

This fog
is abominable.

I can't even
see the ship.

Oh, straight ahead.

Just coming
to the gangway.

Hmm...

My word,
I did enjoy that!

Ha!Uh, Captain,

before we go,
maybe we should,

uh, look around
the ship, sir,

see if there's
anything worth saving.

Uh, yeah... yeah,
we should, shouldn't we?

[sighs]

[creak]

[all gasp]

Gold!Silver!

[rattling]

Looks fantastic, Captain.

Well... be a shame to
leave these, wouldn't it?

Oh, now, that's lovely.

Feel the quality
of that.

[chuckles]

[gasps]

I do like these.

♪♪ [flamenco guitar playing]

[castanets clacking]

Ole!

Ah, ho!

Ole!

♪♪ [vocalizing]

Ole!

Watch your step, mum.

Oy.Right, mate.

Pirates!

Pirates!

Pirates... good God.

Governor, take care
of the ladies.

Pirates!

You men, follow me!

[all]
Yes, sir!

♪♪

Ole!

♪♪

You blundering swine!

You'll hang
for this.

Now, wait a minute,
there's been some mistake.

I think not.

Before you go to your fate,

you miserable pigs...

may I possibly
have the pleasure?

[man]Fire!

Fire?Fire!

Oh, no, Tonto's
at it again!

[men shouting "fire"]

[latch clanks]

Well, Columbus.

This is the end
of your voyage.

You have managed to destroy
one of His Majesty's frigates...

And my daughter and I

must return to Spain
for the wedding.

Yes, and so, sir,

as Governor
of the Canaries,

I command you to abandon
this trip to the Indies

and take them there.

I'm sorry, sir,
but I refuse.

Oh, you refuse do you?

Well, as you were caught
with stolen property on you,

perhaps you prefer to hang...
for piracy?

[woman giggles]

♪♪

[grunting]

Take it into
the Captain's cabin.

Ho ho!

So you're gonna
sleep in there, are you?

Yes.

So you can take
his stuff out.

[man]
Turn her into the wind!

[man]
Aye, gov!

We're ship's officers,
you know.

Yeah, we shouldn't have
to sleep in the hole.

Well, if it's a case
of you or me...

it's you.

Captain Columbus,

you are instructed
to take me to Spain,

are you not?I am indeed, mum.

And Spain lies
to the northeast

of the Canary Islands,
does it not?

Indeed it does, ma'am.

Then why, Captain, are we
sailing the southwest?

Are we?"Are we?"

"Are we?"
You know damned well we are.

I'm not an idiot.
I can tell by the sun.

We are not heading
for Spain at all.

At the moment, mum,
we are tacking

from side to side,

a maritime maneuver
of which it's obvious

you know nothing.What?

I am in command
of this ship,

so I suggest you leave
the navigation to me.

Mm...

Mm...

He's not taking her
back to Spain at all.

He's set course
for the Indies.

Then we must get hold
of that scroll

and destroy it.

♪♪

♪♪ [Middle Eastern music]

Who are you?

You are asleep,

and I am an erotic dream.

Sleep... sleep...

Don't try to wake up.

No, no, who are you?

Oh, sir,
I'm only a poor girl.

Please, Captain,

you wouldn't take advantage
of a poor girl.

Would you?

[giggles]

[snorts]

[whispering]
Bart.

Bart.

Bart.

[whispering]
Maria.

What are you doing?

The same as you.

You naughty girl,
don't you dare.

You go back to bed
this minute.

Are you in love with him?

I think so.

Well, do be careful.

[both giggle]

[man]
Three bells!

[bell clanging]

Hello, Marco.

Oh.

What are you
looking at?

Sharks...
man-eating sharks.

The sea's full of them.

Hey... you mind you
don't fall in.

Oh, my goodness.

You don't think
they'd eat me whole?

No, I'm told
they spit that out.

Oh, isn't the moon
lovely?

Not as lovely as you.

Oh, no,
you mustn't kiss me.

I am betrothed.

Oh... yes,
of course you are.

My fiance, the duke,

might find out.

Of course...
he might.

Of course, he might not.

[whispering]
Well?

Did you get it?

Oh, I most certainly did.

Where is it?What?

The scroll!

Oh, that.

I get it tomorrow.

Fatima, we are failing
in our mission.

You must think of the sultan.

I did... and there
was no comparison.

♪♪

[door opens]

Oh, good morning,
steward.

Morning, Captain.

You're not gonna
be long, are you?

No sir, heh.

You seem to have had
a restless night.

Oh, yes, well...

it's this hot weather,
the strain of command.

I don't know how much longer
I can keep it up.

Oh, you must try, sir.

You really must.

[clears throat]

Lunch, Milady.

I do hope
you're feeling hungry.

Ugh...
well, I was.

Oh, yes, uh, the chef
sends you his best wishes.

What for,
a speedy recovery?

[indistinct chatter]

[man]Ugh...

That's ghastly.

What is this keck?

Don't blame me, Tonto.

The ship's stores
have run out.

Just hold your nose when you
eat it like everybody else.

Next.

You have a sickness
of the motions.

What motions?

The motions of the ship.

The Mal de Mar,
the sickness of the sea.

No, doctor,
it's the appalling food.

I'd feel sick eating that
even if I was stationary.

[sniffles]

Though I shall be
much better

when I get back to Spain.

Yes, but we're not
going back to Spain.

What?

Mm...

It is as I thought.

Do the crew know this?

Yes, and they're furious.

A month at sea,
and not a sight of land.

Ducky, we must return
to Spain-- we must.

Listen to me.

If you can
persuade the men

to make Columbus
go back to Spain,

my husband will pay
every man jack of you

a year's salary.

You realize, of course,
that this is mutiny.

I didn't hear that.

Kindly pass on my offer.

Ohh.

This ship's biscuit

is full of little
crawly weevils.

Is it lawful
to eat living weevils?

What an interesting idea.

You know, it's never
come up before.

[belches]
Well, it's coming up now!

[vomits]

This food
isn't fit for pigs!

Yes, it is.

No, look-- gather
all the men together.

I've got a very interesting
proposition.

♪♪

Are you all right,
lad?

Oh, Captain... I love you.

Yes...[sniffs]

Well, I'm very pleased to
hear of your loyalty, but--

But I love you,
I love you!

I love you!

I love you, I love you!

Now, don't overdo it,
lad!

Now, I want no more
than your loyalty.

This beard and moustache
is false.

Yes, I always
thought it was.

Still, if you can't
grow one,

and you want
to look older,

what's the harm in that?

Look at me,
look at me!

Well... yes.

Well, without that beard,

you're quite
good-looking.

Thank you.Now put it back on again

and go and fetch me
pudding!

I am the one
who came in the night.

My erotic dream!Yes.

Agh!

I only pretend
to be a man.

I really am a woman.

Oh, I am very glad
to hear that.

Most relieved.

Then... perhaps...

you could fetch me pudding?

How would you feel
about a Turkish spy?

Is that the one they make
with figs and suet?

No, no, no, no, no,
Captain.

I'm an agent of the sultan,
sent to spy on you.

Can you ever
forgive me?

Oh, Captain,
my darling, can you?

[kissing]

Ooh!
[laughing]

Oh, well, well,
I'm sure I could, yes.

Given time.
[laughing]

But, Captain,
time is running out.

The crew are about
to mutiny.

Oh, nonsense, nonsense.

I'll soon
talk them out of it.

Now, men, lads...

friends...

For we are all friends,
are we not?

[all muttering]Comrades bound together

by the dangers and hardships
we have endured.

I have great tidings
for you.

Today, tomorrow
at the latest,

we shall reach land!

You said that yesterday,
Captain.

And the day before.

He's been saying it
for a fortnight.

Yeah, let's
turn back.

I will not turn back!

Your last chance,
Captain.

Will you turn back?

No!

Right!

[men muttering]

You've got
two minutes

to make your peace
with God.

Very well.

I ask God
to forgive my sins.

[whispering]
Which aren't any.

[all]
Amen.

I have lived a wicked
and profligate life.

[all]
Amen.

As a youth,
I was a pirate.

A...

A pirate?

Oh, yes.

Yes, I plundered
and looted.

But most of all,

I horded.

I asked God's mercy

for the hundreds of millions
of maravedis I have horded

and hidden away instead
of sharing them

among my fellow man.

[men chattering
indistinctly]

Now, as I depart this life,

to show that I bear no man
any malice,

I do hereby
give and bequeath

this fortune to be
shared equally

among my fellow shipmates.

Oh, that's great.

So... haul away!

Haul the rope!No, hold on!

Where is it?

You're holding it.

Not the rope...
the fortune!

Oh, the fortune!

Yes, that is buried

under an olive tree
in Andalucia.

Haul away!Hold it!

I'll tell you
when to haul.

Now, Captain...

which olive tree?

Oh, you'll find it.

Just keep digging,
digging.

I'm sorry,
I can't talk more.

Good-bye,
my dear shipmates.

Oh, Captain,
do as they say.

Turn back!

I really think
you ought to, Captain,

for your own sake.

Uh, couldn't we, uh, give you
one last chance, right?

[all agreeing]

I am determined
to go onwards or upwards.

Haul away, men!Land!

Land on
the starboard bow!

[all shouting]

[choking]
Can you...Land!

Cut him down!

[gagging]

Ohh!

Oh, darling,
are you all right?

Yes... unloose me.

Lad, and not so much
emotion.

Not in front of the crew.

Captain...Yeah?

Can you ever
forgive me?

Yes, of course I can.

Aah aah aah!Oh, oh, God!

I-- I-- I'm taking
the ship, Captain!

Well, yes, of course.

Lower the anchor!

Lift the anchor!

Lower the boat!Lower the boat?!

Ohh, ah, oh!

[both panting]

Can you give me
one good reason

why I don't
have you hanged?

Yes!

I used to be a pirate,

I got
all this gold buried,

and I want to share it
with you.

[laughing]

Ooh!I'll deal
with you later.

Muster the landing party!

Muster the landing party!

Stow the sails!

♪♪

[shouting indistinctly]

[exotic bird chirping]

So, Pontiac,
what do you think of that?

What the hell is that?

I never seen nothin'
like that before, have you?

Nothin'.

You know what
it looks like?

Looks like, uh,
like a giant canoe

with washing hanging
all over the side of it.

Yeah, and no paddles.

Yeah, hey!

You think
it's some kind

of a floating laundry
service or something?

Could be--
hey, maybe they're Chinese.

Hey, look, they're lowering
a little canoe

from the big canoe--
you know what that means?

That means that they're
coming ashore.

Oh, this could be good.

Your wife's got any washing
she needs doing?

That's a very good idea.

Here's what we do:
go back, we ask the wives.

Huh?Okay.

Do this... hope they
don't use starch.

Forward!

♪♪

I declare this land,
wherever it is,

under the protection
of Their Majesties,

King Ferdinand
and Queen Isabella

of Aragon and Castile!

[men cheering]

Mr. Mendoza,
would you care to convey

our best wishes and tell them
what we've come for?

You mean speak to them?

Well, you told me
you spoke Chinese.

Ahem!

♪♪

How.
[speaking foreign language]

[birds chirping]

[indistinct chatter]

What did they say?

He said he's not Chinese.

So we're not in China?

I'd say we were in India.

Do you speak Indian?

Well, not fluently.

So it's sign language,
eh?

Now, in that,
I'm fluent.

Don't forget
what we came for:

the treasure of the Indies,
gold.

Gold.
[laughing]

So he's found
the Indies.

Well, he's certainly
found somewhere.

Yes... all said,

the king and queen
will be all over him

when we get back
to Spain.

Madam, he is before
with unreliable

and potentially
treacherous savages who,

it is rumored...

do some very strange things
with chicken feathers,

if you follow me.

Yes, I do.

And, uh, should
any misfortune

befall Columbus,

you, as the king's officer,

will of course
be in charge.

Do you follow me?

Absolutely.

♪♪

[exotic bird whooping]

Hi, Chief.

Hey, Hubba, what do you hear,
what do you say?

All right.

Uh, we think they're some
kind of traveling laundry.

[Chief, laughing]
Oh, you gotta be kiddin' me.

We... bring...

gifts.

Oh, no, not another
mime troop.

He can't even spell.

But it's
a nice suit, huh?

[natives gasping]

Him...

gift.

[scattered laughter]

Him... gift.

Him, gift?

Him, garbage.

[natives laugh]

♪♪

What do you make of it?

Some kind
of vegetable.

Looks like old,
dried cabbage.

[man, chuckling]
Yeah.

[natives gasp]

What's it taste like?

Horse shit.

Is it cooked?

If it is, they should
shoot the cook.

Well, I'll be damned.

Look at that.

They cook it while
you're eating it.

So try it cooked.

[man]
Oh, yeah.

[natives muttering approval]

What's it
taste like now?

Still taste like
horse shit.

[exotic bird squawking]

Powwow.

Powwow?

So... who are
these guys?

I don't know
who they are,

but you better tell 'em
that we don't want

no God damn immigrants.

Please, we've got
to be hospitable.

Excuse me, may I, may I?

Thank you.

I say we make them welcome.

Yeah, I say that
we kill 'em now

while we still
got 'em outnumbered.

We can't do that,
we're civilized.

Oh, sure, sure,
we're civilized,

but these sons of bitches
could be cannibals.

Pardon me,
excuse me, uh...

do you have the big hat
with the nice jewels?

No, you don't.
See?

You have no feathers.

I see plenty of feathers
here, do you know why?

That's because
I'm the...

Chief,
you're the chief.

Bingo!

That's why I say we make
friends with them.

I say we show them
our ways of peace.

Course, that's
just what Isay.

All right, all right, okay,
you're the chief.

Whatever you say,
have it your way.

[singsong]
But you'll be sorry.

[bell jingles]

Bell.

Mm.[jingles]

Bell.

[jingling]

Two bells.

[jingling]

[natives gasping]

Two bells.

[jingling]

Three bells.

Three bells.

[bells jingling]

Gold.

Gold.

Gold.

Gold.

We trade.

We trade.

Me take gold.

You take gold?

You take bells.

Balls.

No, not balls.

Bells, bells, bells.

Balls, balls, balls!

What is this?

Rather nice.

Look nice in my cabin.

Set my porthole
up a treat.

Oh, watch out.

Hello.

How.Hello.

Me Ha Ha,
him Poca Hontas.

Well, I never--
what's a "Hontas"?

Him tomato.

Tomato!
[laughs]

Eat, eat.

Oh, eating tomato.

Mm.
[munching]

What's it like?

Mmm, lovely.

Taste it.

Mmm, mmm.

Tomato... him good.

Tomato, him go...

[panting heavily]

[snarls]

Aha, oh,
you don't think

he means to get you going,
do you?

Certainly not.

Probably means
they're easy to grow.

[whispering]
So... how's it going?

Ah, they're so...
primitive.

"We want, we take."

"You give."

Uh, what do
these guys want?

Food, women, sheep?

Sheep...

[lecherous laugh]
Quite.

Steady, steady.

Sorry.

They want gold.

Gold when they
can have sheep?

Huh![laughter]

You weren't married
to my sister.

Gold, they want gold--
it's all they talk about.

Wait a minute,
h-hold on a minute.

All right, look, we don't
have very much gold.

And if we don't
get rid of these guys,

we're not gonna have any.

Tell me something
I don't know.

What can you say-- they're
simple, primitive people.

Stupid, too.

Oh, stupid as hell.

[laughing]

[British accent]
Hello.

[laughing]
Not bright, not bright.

Now, Diego, these are
very peaceful people.

Make sure the crew keep
their hands off the women.

[women laughing]

Stop! Stop!

[man laughing]

You were saying,
Captain?

Now, Diego, these are
a very peaceful people.

I still say we get
rid of these guys.

Well, and you're
gonna love this.

They want to see
the gold mine.

Wait a minute,
the gold mine?

The one that our ancestors
mined for the gold?

The one it's death
to enter?

That's the one.

Good... then we'll
take 'em there.

♪♪

Right, lads, this
is what we came for.

Gold!Gold.

Ah, the gold mines
of the Indies.

[man chanting]

Who is this?

Shaman, medicine man.

Him make heap big spells,
oh ho.

Oh, nonsense.

Yah ah ah.

Also, first class rainmaker.

[laughing]

Pull the other one.

[laughing]

Mm...mmm!

[thunder crashes]

All right, all right,
you've made your point!

[whistles]

[grunts]

[all murmuring]

We're ready to go, Chief.

[grunts]

Shaman say safe to go.

All the best.

[chanting]

Right, men.

Onward!

♪♪ [man singing
nonsense syllables ]

[grunts]

All right,
this is it, fellas.

Medicine man says
this is where we eat.

Okay, lunch!

[muttering]

[groans]

Shouldn't we have brought
some food with us?

Oh, no,
no, no, no.

The Indians have
brought plenty.

And it's a lot
fresher than ours.

Good.
I just wondered.

What are those objects
they're eating?

Ah, that's
corn on the cob.

It's delicious.

[Columbus]
Fine.

But what about us?

Yeah, you show us
what you eat.

Well, we didn't bring
any food with us.

Oh, is this a day of
fasting and prayer for you?

No.

Then why didn't you
bring anything to eat?

Well, we thought
we'd share with you.

Oh, I get it.

You want to trade.

Very good, uh...

What do you trade
for the food?

♪♪

Three days now,
and still no news

from the shore.

What on earth
can they be doing?

I don't know,
but it's worrying.

Hmm.I think perhaps

we'd better go ashore
and investigate.

I would take you ladies
under my protection.

Oh, thank you.

Chiquita.

Yes, Milady?

Could you ask your, uh,
"friend" to row us ashore?

He will, if he can
find some oars.

What he does
when he gets there

is his concern.

[snoring]

No, Daddy, not again!

Who are you?

Me chief.

You... want trade?

Trade?

How much gold
you want for... her?

You heathen!

Is that good?

That is my daughter.

Gold will not
buy her virtue.

That, of course, does
not apply to all of us.

Chiquita!

Well, I just thought
I'd mark his card.

♪♪

[chanting]

[grunts]

Hey, "Columbo,"
over here.

Medicine man say this
is where we're gonna eat.

Come on.

Now, look, look.

We have nothing
left to trade.

Well,
what about that?

Tell you what,
you give me that,

we give you enough food
to get back to camp.

But from then on,
you're on your own.

Wait, wait--
why, why?

For us to go into the mine
is strictly forbidden.

We go into the mine,
it means a horrible death.

You know why?

Ungapoca kills us.

Well, we're not frightened
of him, are we lads?

You speak for yourself!

That's very good

that you're not
frightened of him.

Then you go into the mine,
okay?

And medicine man,
he'll go with you.

So he's not frightened
of Ungapoca.

No, no, no--
he has magic, all right?

Very powerful magic.

He can never die...
he's immortal.

Now, a-are we gonna
trade or what?

We may need these
to defend ourselves.

You still don't
get it, do ya?

That is no good
against Ungapoca.

The medicine man
is your only defense.

All right, lads...

do as he asks.

Go get the stuff.

It'll be
my pleasure.

Yeah, what about
the steward?

Well, the steward hasn't
got a weapon, have you?

Nope.No, but he could
give them his suit.

Uh, yes, well,
you know,

he's my nephew,
and I'm really

very worried about
him catching cold.

What's the matter,
is is sick?

[Columbus]
Yes.

[speaks
native language]

[shaman chanting]

He has put a spell
upon me.

Isn't his voice
kind of high?

♪♪ [sexy music playing]

What's he done
to you?

I don't know.

I feel quite peculiar.

♪♪

Oh, my God...
what has he done to him?

[native]
Giampolini!

He turned a man
into a woman.

This must be a new spell.

He's never
done this before.

I hope he doesn't
make a habit of it.

This is the curse
of Ungapoca!

Get out of here!

[natives shouting in terror]

Dead?

Oh, sure.

From mines of doom.

Nobody returns.

Well, then,
Don Filipe,

as the wife
of the king's cousin,

I order you
to take command.

Thank you, mum.

What that mean?

That mean we're leaving
as soon as possible.

Oh, you no want gold?

Well, we-- we--
we wouldn't mind a bit.

Ah, go ahead,
use the hut.

Ooh.

But if you want gold...

[knocks]

[grunting]

[tittering]

[both chuckling]

[grunts]

We trade.

[insects buzzing,
creature roaring]

[shaman chanting]

Huh!

[chanting]

Right, lads,
now stick together

and follow me.

[chanting]

[screeching laughter]

[shudders]

[screeching laughter]

Could that be
Ungapoca?

Or one of his victims?

I don't know, but I don't
like the sound of it.

[screeching laughter]

He doesn't sound
too keen on it, either.

[chanting]

[speaks native language]

[shaman chanting]

Huh!

[rock cracking]
Aah, aaaaah!

Stand back.

Did you hear that?

He must have
dropped for a mile.

[shaman shouting]Listen.

What?

[cry continues]

He's coming back up!

Aaaaah...

Uhh, ahh...

I suggest
we turn back.

No, lads, no, we've
come too far for that.

Press on.Ohh... dear.

♪♪

Heh.

[chuckling]

Hyuh!

[chanting]

♪♪

[roaring]

[all screaming]

[shudders]

I don't think my heart
can stand much more of this.

[buzzing sound]

Oh!

Ooh! Ooh!

I'm being interfered with.

[yelping]

Well,
what's the matter?

Come here, come here,
look!

Stand still...
look, will you--

It's only spider!

[all shrieking]

[spider buzzing]Probably quite harmless.

[buzzing stops]

Press on!

I am not going
any further.

No, neither am I.

[rumbling]

Well, that's it!

We've got to go forward.

There's no turning back!

Agh!
[coughing]

[rumbling]

[men shouting]

[grunting]

Oh, God, uhh!

Agh, oh, God.

[all coughing
and sputtering]

Ohh.

[rumbling]

Wait...What now?

The earth.

It's moving
beneath us.

[cracking]

[squeaking]

[all shouting]

The ship is provisioned
and ready to sail.

One more day, please.

Just in case
they're alive.

They are dead.

D-E-A-D!

Dead.

Ooh.

[natives muttering]

Pontiac...

What happened?

Mr. Columbus says
that he's ready to go home.

Wait, Chief, wait!

First... powwow.

[all gasping]Pow... wow.

[drums beating]

No, no, thank you.

I-- I'm not hungry.

So... you no want
to leave us?

Not without some gold.

All right...
you got it.

You wanna trade?

What do you got
to trade?

Oh, and no more little bells
this time, all right?

What do you think,
I'm a rube?

I never been
around the block?

Jeez.

Oh, wait,
and we want wine,

like your annoying
lady friend gave us.

All right, we want guns,
we want gunpowder.

No, no, no,
you don't want guns.

You-- you are
a peaceful people.

Right, and then we met you.

Became civilized.

So you want gold?

Yes.

Big chunks of gold?

[whimpering]
Yes.

We want wine and guns
and gunpowder.

All right, it's a deal.

[spits]

[spits]

Have a nice day.

Oh, Hubba.

Chief?

Bring the gold for trading.

You know, the special gold,
the one we use

for trading
with special people.

Sure, Chief.

No, I'm still not hungry.

Good-bye, Achmed.

I'm no longer a spy
for the sultan.

What about me--
what am I gonna do?

You could always
go back to Turkey

and continue
whacking for him.

No, he'll be angry
at our failure.

I'm gonna lose me pay,
me bonuses.

He may cut off
me emoluments.

[chuckles]
Well, if he does,

you could always get a job
as a eunuch.

Good-bye.

♪♪

[indistinct shouting]

[man]
All right, now,
put your backs into it!

Put your backs
into it!

[second man]
Whoa, whoa!

[man]
Easy on that rope.

Haul away!

[third man]
Anchor away!

Mainsail!

♪♪

[all cheering]

So, you're the governor--
ooh...

I have had
the experience.

Yeah, well, you know,
your knuckleheaded friends

made a lot of changes
around here.

Yeah,
for the worse.

No, improvements.

[gunshot, bird caws]

Ah, there's an improvement--
more shootings, huh?

But remember,
everyone has a right

to carry a gun.

If you can afford one.

[gunshot]

Yes, well,
we'd better get back

to the governor's hut
before dark.

It's not really safe
anymore around here, is it?

[gunshot]Ohh!

[laughing]

Ah, there is a God.

♪♪

[creaks]

[laughing]
Look at it!

And 10%
of it's mine!

[both]
Ours.

Ours, ours,
of course, yes.

We'll discuss that
later.

Wait a minute,
there's something wrong.

What?

It doesn't feel
heavy enough.

Give me knife.

Ah...

Ohh.

[knife scraping]

[women laughing]

[man screams]

What's that?

Sounds like
the captain.

Please, God,
he's having a seizure.

Come on,
take something.

Make you feel better.

Ooh, better,
how can I feel better?

When we get back to Spain,
they'll hang us!

Well, it fooled us,
maybe it'll fool them!

Ah.[tearful]
You think so?

♪♪

May it please
Your Majesties

to accept the first
consignment of gold

from the Indies.

♪♪

Behold the gold.

[creak]

[all gasping]

Christopher Columbus...
what can I say?

Oh... is that
all there is?

This is a mere
sample, Sire.

I'll bring you more
on our next voyage.

Silence in the name
of Torquemada.

Was this gold taken from
the natives of the Indies?

Yes, Father.

And were
these Indians baptized?

No, no... no.

No, they are heathens.

Then, under
Your Majesty's laws,

this gold, the property
of heathen heretics,

is confiscated
by the Inquisition.

Remove it
from the court,

for it is accursed,

and accursed will be
all those who touch it.

[overlapping chatter]

Now look
what's happened.

And it's all
your fault.

My fault?
It's his fault!

My fault?Yes.

Why didn't you have
those Indians baptized?

Because, Sire, you didn't
send me a priest.

All you sent
was a bookkeeper.

[indistinct chatter]

♪♪

[seagull calling]

[sighs]

Did you get rid of it?

It sank like
a stack of stones.

There's one thing
that worries me.

Supposing somebody
asked the Inquisition

what happened to it.

Bart, nobody questions
the Inquisition.

They're the ones
who ask the questions.

♪♪

Oh, Bart.

♪♪ ["Bridal Chorus" playing]

As a ship's captain,
I now pronounce you

man and wife.

[all]
Ah...

I do love a nice wedding.

[cheers and applause]

Hm-hmm.

[growling]

[cheering continues]

[thud]Oof!

Ahh.

Carry on, Columbus.

[horse whinnies]

♪♪ ["William Tell Overture"
playing]

[laughs]

[both]
Ohh!

[both laughing]

♪♪ [techno music]

♪ There she blows

♪ Carry on, Columbus

♪ There she blows

♪ Deeper than the ocean

♪ There she blows

♪ Carry on, Columbus

♪ There she blows

♪ Land ahoy

♪♪

♪ Got a new look, baby

♪ 3,000 miles afloat

♪ You got a new love, baby

♪ Come back to what you lost

♪ She's waiting for you, baby

♪ She's new territory

♪ She's waiting for you, baby

♪ To get the hell back home

[choir singing indistinctly]

♪♪