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1
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,742
ANNOUNCER:
American Horror Story: Cult.
2
00:00:08,776 --> 00:00:10,711
All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
3
00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:16,750
FXX presents You're the Worst.
4
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:20,654
LINDSAY: And then, even after
I showed them my true colors,
5
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:21,655
Cyndi Lauper-style,
6
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,057
my coworkers ditched me.
7
00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:25,359
Triflin'-ass Vogue readers.
8
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:28,096
Mm! I almost forgot.
9
00:00:28,129 --> 00:00:30,931
I made you a friendship bracelet
when I was home.
10
00:00:30,964 --> 00:00:32,433
Aw!
11
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,268
"G plus H"?
12
00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:35,403
The "H" stands
for "Hot Lindsay."
13
00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:37,671
See? I'm friendable!
14
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:40,007
I know they're triflin', Gretch,
but I really want
15
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:43,010
those multicultural
fashion lizards to like me.
16
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,345
They're my work family.
17
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:45,946
No, I get it.
18
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:48,282
My old boss Rick was
my work family until his head
19
00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:51,119
got cut off
in that Jet Ski accident.
20
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:54,222
(gasps, gasping operatically)
21
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:56,857
It's my divorce license.
(panting)
22
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,726
Ha! I'm divorced!
23
00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:01,895
Oh, no. I broke my divorce.
24
00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:03,531
Yay! Paul is dead!
25
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,199
(laughs)
26
00:01:05,233 --> 00:01:07,368
Now we can be fun single ladies
together!
27
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,603
Ha. Uh, yeah.
28
00:01:09,637 --> 00:01:11,772
Since when does being
a fun single lady mean
29
00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,941
boning the same old-ass dad
every night?
30
00:01:13,974 --> 00:01:15,042
Just admit it.
31
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,077
You're down a road.
32
00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:18,979
We are not down a road.
33
00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:20,481
Then don't hang out with him
tonight.
34
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:21,482
Fine!
35
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:23,484
Easy. Not a problem.
36
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:25,253
I will just tell that fool...
37
00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:28,055
that I am very sick
so he doesn't get mad at me.
38
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,424
You... have... a... boyfriend!
39
00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,493
Don't emoji clap at me.
40
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,094
Okay, how 'bout this?
41
00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:37,398
To celebrate our new singlehood,
42
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,600
I will throw you a divorce party
tonight. No Boone.
43
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:41,935
Yes! And I can invite
my work fam.
44
00:01:41,969 --> 00:01:44,338
Maybe once they know
I'm a cool-ass divorcée
45
00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:46,840
like ScarJo
or Nicole Brown Simpson,
46
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:49,410
Jeff and Tara will want
to be friends with me.
47
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,911
Perfect.
48
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,413
Ow!
49
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,582
I really need
to stop buying window drugs
50
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,817
from that homeless guy.
51
00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:58,552
*
52
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:04,792
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
53
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,960
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
54
00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:09,297
* Gonna leave you anyway.
55
00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:17,905
-*
-(indistinct chatter)
56
00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:21,375
(gasping)
57
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:35,956
Jimmy Shive-Overly.
58
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:40,361
Now, make sure to wear
your VIP badge at all times.
59
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:41,462
I absolutely will not.
60
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,364
Congrats on the release
of your book.
61
00:02:43,397 --> 00:02:45,566
I hear it's very steamy.
62
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:48,902
It's also a Dickensian
exploration of the long shadow
63
00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:51,405
cast on British progeniture
by the Second World War,
64
00:02:51,439 --> 00:02:53,040
but thank you.
65
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:54,642
Hot.
66
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,176
*
67
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:07,255
There we go.
Getting that weekly tighten-up,
68
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:10,424
-quaffing that rye hattie.
-You're right.
69
00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:14,595
Co-grooming can be a bonding
yet totally macho ritual.
70
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:15,663
(phones chime, buzz)
71
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,665
Oh...
72
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,333
(both gasp)
73
00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,101
-SneakerSeeker!
-SneakerSeeker!
74
00:03:21,134 --> 00:03:26,874
Oh, shit, the Yeezy 350 Pirate
Blacks are on sale for $950!
75
00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:27,941
And purchased!
76
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:30,043
You, too.
77
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:31,912
-We got to be twinsies.
-Nine hundo?
78
00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:34,615
Uh, gee, I-I don't know. I...
79
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:37,418
And...
80
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,387
-done.
-Yes!
81
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:42,523
Where's the foreign dude
with the weird-colored dick?
82
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:45,025
-Jimmy's on a work trip.
-Nice! Now we don't have to rip
83
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,261
down his list of dum-dum rules
for the party.
84
00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:50,731
Going number two in the upstairs
bathroom all night, sucka.
85
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:53,401
-What party?
-Ugh, I got super baked
86
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:56,136
and offered to throw Lindser
a divorce party.
87
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:57,004
Hmm.
88
00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:04,111
Edgar,
you should plan the party.
89
00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:05,779
-Why me?
-You're the foodie
90
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:08,215
with the fancy-ass threads,
getting a house haircut,
91
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:11,285
drinking a rye hattie
like Dan Goddamn Bilzerian!
92
00:04:11,319 --> 00:04:15,055
I guess
I could pull something together.
93
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:18,792
Great. Remember, the theme is
Your Previously Secure Future
94
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:20,961
is Suddenly
a Giant, Scary Question Mark.
95
00:04:20,994 --> 00:04:23,297
But fun!
96
00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:24,798
EDGAR:
Shoot.
97
00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:27,468
I-I guess I have to go
to the grocery store
98
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:28,902
and the liquor store.
I should probably pick up
99
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,304
some bubble wrap
for Lindsay to play with...
100
00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:31,972
Hey, relax.
101
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:34,908
I know a party planner
who can take care of everything.
102
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:37,911
He did Brent's going away,
and it was spectunckular.
103
00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:39,112
I got this.
104
00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:40,514
Wow, thanks.
105
00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:43,250
I mean,
that's-that's so generous.
106
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,518
-(sent message chime)
-Wait,
107
00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:46,487
Brent moved?
108
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,656
-Mm-hmm.
-Isn't he your main dude?
109
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:51,492
Brent moved to Boulder
to work on his new app, Snoober.
110
00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:53,327
It's like Uber but for snow.
111
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:55,829
So, the app helps you find
a place to ski
112
00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:58,499
-or makes snow or...
-Right!
113
00:04:58,532 --> 00:05:00,468
It's like Venmo,
but for mountains.
114
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,636
Ah.
115
00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:05,172
(indistinct chatter)
116
00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:06,807
("If U C My Enemies"
by Rubblebucket playing)
117
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:11,912
(laughs)
118
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:20,153
* I come from a greener place
and a lawless past *
119
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:22,556
* I was raised
with the cows and the birds *
120
00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:24,992
* And a toothless laugh...
121
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,194
FAN: I loved
how Simon was drunk all the time
122
00:05:27,227 --> 00:05:29,196
when he was teaching drama
at that boarding school,
123
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:33,000
because... I had sex
with my drama teacher, too.
124
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,702
Who didn't?
125
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,303
-(sobbing)
-(chuckling): Aw.
126
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,372
You're so sweet.
127
00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:41,241
Smile.
128
00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:43,076
("King Charles"
by YUNGBLUD playing)
129
00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:44,512
Who's next?
130
00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:46,046
ADRIENNE:
What's your name?
131
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:48,882
*
132
00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:52,386
* I admit, I've never been broke
but I have been broken *
133
00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,422
* Shout inside,
she'll switch you for a token *
134
00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:57,758
-* Oh...
-* Of kindness
135
00:05:57,791 --> 00:05:58,992
* This one's for you,
King Charles *
136
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,394
* You mess with the people
137
00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:02,563
* Took the taxes
to fund the evil *
138
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:06,600
-* Ooh...
-* Sound familiar?
139
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:08,569
* Don't mind us, divide us
140
00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:10,404
* But when we need guidance,
you give us the silence *
141
00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:12,406
* It's spineless and blindless
142
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,708
* We will buy back,
not sit here smiling *
143
00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:17,711
-(hip-hop air horn sound effect)
-Wow.
144
00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:19,547
Thanks for doing all this.
145
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,281
Hey, it's what buds do.
146
00:06:21,314 --> 00:06:24,117
Plus, you got to honor
the end of a relationship.
147
00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:25,886
When my pops and stepmom split,
148
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:28,388
me and Dad bro'd out in
the Maldives for, like, a month.
149
00:06:28,422 --> 00:06:30,724
(chuckles)
Had too much Prosecco one night,
150
00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:32,125
and things got a little weird.
151
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,127
But, all in all, great trip.
152
00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:37,064
-BECCA: Hello!
-Welcome to the party I planned!
153
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:40,233
Oh, shit, it's Nerd
with his face X'ed out!
154
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:41,902
So disrespected!
155
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,304
Wow, Gretchen.
156
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:47,641
How... Pinterest of you.
157
00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:50,143
You know, if we threw a party
every time Lindsay failed
158
00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:51,979
at something,
we'd be drunk all the time.
159
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:54,815
Bitch, we are drunk
all the time. (chuckles)
160
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,484
Because you keep pressuring me.
161
00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:58,318
Makes me wonder
what you're up to, mister.
162
00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:00,320
(grunts)
163
00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:02,923
(phone chimes)
164
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:05,926
* Here comes the divorced
165
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:07,327
* Lady.
166
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:10,330
I'm here!
167
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:13,601
Aw, thanks for comin', sis!
168
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:17,237
Yeah, well, I find the whole
thing to be in very poor taste.
169
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,639
Marriage is supposed
to be forever.
170
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,073
(chuckles)
And you chose Vernon.
171
00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:21,642
Babe, can you take a pic for me?
172
00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:23,477
I want to get one
where I'm resting my dick
173
00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,078
-on his shoulder like a parrot.
-(door opens)
174
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:27,481
-(chuckles)
-(door shuts)
175
00:07:27,515 --> 00:07:29,917
CARL:
Congratulations!
176
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:33,420
Uh, a-and/or, uh,
my, uh, condolences,
177
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,322
depending on your feelings
about the divorce.
178
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:37,257
-Thank you so much
for inviting me. -Shut up.
179
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,493
-Where are the good ones?
-The good...
180
00:07:39,527 --> 00:07:42,095
Oh, you mean Jeff and Tara.
181
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,697
I'm not sure.
182
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,733
Well, find out.
183
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:53,641
*
184
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:55,408
(sighs)
185
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:02,916
(indistinct chatter)
186
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:13,326
Let me guess.
187
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:16,329
You're bummed because your work
is suddenly included
188
00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:20,367
in the mortifying anti-art
hellscape that is genre.
189
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:24,304
Yeah. Well, Michael Chabon
isn't hyping Moonglow
190
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,473
at the Gilroy Garlic Festival.
191
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,975
He would if they invited him.
192
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,377
He's not above helping sales,
193
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,212
and neither should you be.
194
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:34,848
Plus, not to be gross,
195
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,651
but you could really clean up
around here.
196
00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:40,320
-What? -I'm just saying,
I'm an old married lady,
197
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:43,356
but if I were
a hot, single British dude?
198
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,092
Whew, boy,
199
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:47,695
you'd have to take my dick home
in a body bag.
200
00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:48,896
(scoffs)
201
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:50,330
Thanks.
202
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:51,932
I think.
203
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:54,735
Night, Jimmy.
204
00:08:56,770 --> 00:09:01,008
Try to have some fun
this weekend, will ya?
205
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,109
* Run it
206
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:04,612
* Run it
207
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:06,446
* Wob-wob wobbin,
wob-wob wobbin *
208
00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:07,948
-* When I come around
-Mmm.
209
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:09,683
* Got the whole thing
wobbin... *
210
00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:11,952
I can't believe none
of my work friends showed up.
211
00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:15,455
Not even the janitor guy
with the gross, black thumbnail.
212
00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:16,957
What about him?
213
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,792
Carl? He doesn't count.
214
00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:21,695
Carl's basically
a human participation trophy.
215
00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:24,397
* Looking for the movie love,
they think I'm famous... *
216
00:09:24,431 --> 00:09:26,900
The most tragic part
of your sister's divorce
217
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,870
is that she's wearing
that hideous dress
218
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,438
a second time.
219
00:09:31,471 --> 00:09:32,940
(laughing)
220
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:36,744
Ooh. Speaking
of dumb things I hate,
221
00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:39,046
Vernon tried to have sex
with me last night.
222
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,715
I made him go jerk off
in the downstairs bathroom,
223
00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:44,618
because sometimes...
he touches his own nipples.
224
00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:46,219
It's revolting.
225
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,889
That is so gay.
226
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,758
(laughing)
227
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,760
* They said, "Be real"
228
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:55,295
* Nash jumping, I ain't even
had my leap year yet... *
229
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:57,097
Well, I'm gonna take a lap.
230
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:59,032
(doorbell rings,
knocking on door)
231
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:06,273
So, I'm guessing
you're not sick.
232
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,275
Actually, it's bananas.
233
00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:11,845
I was feeling straight garbaggio
when my friend
234
00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:14,081
basically blackmailed me
into hosting her divorce party.
235
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,116
And when I was picking up
some wine,
236
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:18,351
I gave this homeless woman
the last of my Chipotle,
237
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:21,188
and she blessed me, and I was,
like, instantly cured!
238
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:23,757
Oh. This is disappointing.
239
00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:26,927
Have fun being
a weird liar, I guess.
240
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,662
Wait. I'm sorry.
241
00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:32,265
It's just you, me... road.
242
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:34,601
We're heading down one,
right, it seems,
243
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:37,838
and yeah, so... that.
244
00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:40,640
Scared.
245
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:42,375
Me.
246
00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:44,277
You think we're down a road?
247
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:45,879
I'm at your house
almost every night.
248
00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:47,715
Pretty soon you're gonna want me
to meet your kid.
249
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:50,183
No. No, I won't.
250
00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:52,452
In fact, Olivia's actually
in the car right now reading,
251
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,054
and you're
still not meeting her.
252
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,355
(chuckles):
Really?
253
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:57,825
Wait. You saying
I can't meet her?
254
00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,659
(laughs):
Like you'd want to.
255
00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:02,229
I mean, you have to admit you're
not exactly the "kid type."
256
00:11:04,698 --> 00:11:06,366
(sighs)
257
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,635
I guess you can still have this.
258
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,471
Hey, you want to come in
for one drink?
259
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:15,242
-Uh... -Everybody's raving
about the Mezcalimonies.
260
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:17,677
I guess.
261
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:20,313
Plus, I'm very curious to see
262
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,449
-who'd actually
be friends with you. -Oh.
263
00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:27,320
(hip-hop playing)
264
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:28,889
Mmm.
265
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:30,557
*
266
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,425
Oh. Mmm.
267
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:36,864
Hey. Bartender just told me they
ran out of 12-year Glenlivet.
268
00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:38,265
-Mm.
-So I'm thinking
269
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:40,267
we take this party up a notch
and go 18?
270
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,535
Oh, yeah! Let's do it!
271
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:45,372
Great. 'Cause I like my scotch
like I like my women:
272
00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:47,074
of legal consenting age.
273
00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:49,409
-(laughing)
-Yeah.
274
00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:52,612
You used to treat women
really badly, huh?
275
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:55,248
I really did.
276
00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:57,918
(groans softly)
277
00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,686
-(electronic chiming)
-I'm about to give my speech.
278
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,054
Where is everyone?
279
00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:02,655
-Um...
-(chiming)
280
00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:06,093
*
281
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,700
(object tapping glass)
282
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,602
Hello?
283
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:18,038
-Attention?
-(music stops)
284
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:21,274
Sisters are supposed to give
speeches at these things, right?
285
00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:24,111
Well, I guess that's true
at weddings.
286
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:27,080
Hard to believe Lindsay's was
only four short years ago.
287
00:12:27,114 --> 00:12:30,984
Lindsay, is there anything in
your life you haven't aborted?
288
00:12:31,018 --> 00:12:32,052
(people gasp)
289
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,553
But seriously, guys...
290
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,356
-(snickering)
-Lindsay... is my sister.
291
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:41,028
Eh, that's all I got. Linds?
292
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:45,665
(takes deep breath)
293
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:49,136
*
294
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,939
(object tapping glass)
295
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:57,777
"I used to be in a bad marriage
296
00:12:57,811 --> 00:12:59,980
"to a very bad man.
297
00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:03,150
"But now...
298
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,751
I'm free."
299
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,086
-Yeah!
-(woman whoops)
300
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,155
(man chuckling)
301
00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:10,623
(chuckling continues)
302
00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:19,666
(laughing loudly)
303
00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:25,305
(laughter stops)
304
00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:29,109
Hi. I'm Paul...
305
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,944
to those I don't know.
306
00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:33,513
-WOMAN: Hi.
-Hi. Hi there.
307
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:35,015
Hello.
308
00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:42,555
(rock music playing,
lively chatter)
309
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:45,825
Hi.
310
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:55,568
(whooping, cheering)
311
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,737
"Simon loathed his new post
312
00:13:57,770 --> 00:14:00,207
"at the New Hampshire
boarding school.
313
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,243
-"But oh, did he approve
of American girls, -Ooh.
314
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:07,347
especially
the female drama students..."
315
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:09,016
*
316
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:16,924
(laughter, clapping, whooping)
317
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,696
Oh, my God.
318
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:25,265
Okay.
319
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,071
(Adrienne chuckles)
320
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:40,747
WOMEN:
Ooh...
321
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:49,156
(clapping, whooping)
322
00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:54,394
Who invited you?
323
00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:56,196
Your blisteringly dumb husband
324
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:59,532
has been texting me photos
of this vile event all night.
325
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:00,934
Shut up, narc.
326
00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:05,172
An X over my face, is it?
327
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,542
Lo, the hypocrisy
of the cheater
328
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,945
celebrating her freedom.
329
00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:16,916
Well, you're free, all right.
330
00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:20,653
Free from having me to blame
for your myriad problems.
331
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:23,123
-Uh...
-"Myriad" means a lot.
332
00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:24,457
(laughing loudly)
333
00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:26,159
You always held me back.
334
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:27,961
No wonder I can't swim.
335
00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:30,297
-No wonder I don't have a
middle name. -You can no longer
336
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:33,266
blame me for your life,
because I'm not in it.
337
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,902
You'll only have yourself
to blame when you
338
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,304
lose your toys down the tub,
339
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:39,306
or when you bite
into a chess piece
340
00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:41,341
because you think
it's white chocolate.
341
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:42,575
I hate you!
342
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,077
(Paul barking)
343
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:46,413
-(laughing)
-Vernon?
344
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,348
Drive us home.
345
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:50,683
Okay, but you're not both
sitting in the back this time.
346
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:53,320
-Shut up. Yes, we are.
-(Becca laughing)
347
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,788
And... we're gonna sing duets
348
00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:57,490
until you...
349
00:15:57,524 --> 00:15:59,792
-* Drive the car
-* The car
350
00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:02,329
* Into the
351
00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:04,631
-* Ocean
* Sea... ocean
352
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,299
* Vernon...
353
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,570
(Vernon groans)
354
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:21,614
What are you doing?
355
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,616
-There you are.
-No.
356
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:26,519
After we talked, I was looking
on Nextdoor, and I realized
357
00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:28,955
Silver Lake Heights
is highly dangerous.
358
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,724
Someone's Amazon package
got stolen
359
00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:32,859
from right off
their front porch.
360
00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:34,494
Apparently, two high school kids
361
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:36,196
were smoking
(whispering): pot
362
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,298
in a car. Coyotes.
363
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:41,201
Someone smashed Marisa Tomei's
jack-o-lantern.
364
00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:42,302
Plus, I thought Olivia
might want some cake.
365
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:44,337
(whistles)
366
00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:47,374
It's all on Nextdoor.
367
00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:48,541
Come on, sweetie.
368
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:50,009
Let's find you some milk.
369
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:54,081
(moaning)
370
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:55,715
(grunting)
371
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:07,394
(Adrienne gasping)
372
00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:12,265
(Adrienne grunts and groans)
373
00:17:12,299 --> 00:17:14,301
(screams)
374
00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:17,570
Oh, no.
375
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:22,041
-(coughing): Oh, my God.
-(Jimmy laughs)
376
00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:23,376
(grunts)
377
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:24,911
(Adrienne retches)
378
00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:27,614
(coughing, retching)
379
00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:30,049
Oh, God.
380
00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:31,951
-Oh, no.
-Oh.
381
00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:39,259
Hey. Isn't it time for you
to catch a bouquet
382
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:41,361
or put a garter back on
or something?
383
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,796
Paul said I blame everybody else
for my life.
384
00:17:45,332 --> 00:17:46,766
Is everything my fault?
385
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:48,635
Because I don't do life good?
386
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:49,936
No, of course not.
387
00:17:49,969 --> 00:17:51,471
So it's your fault?
388
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:53,473
No, sweetie.
389
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:56,876
Then whose fault is it?
390
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,878
(Gretchen sighs)
391
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,414
One thing I learned in therapy
is that stuff
392
00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:03,049
that happens to you
when you're a kid
393
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,618
can really screw you up
as an adult.
394
00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:08,121
Like, don't even get me started
how my parents let me watch
395
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:10,290
Return to Oz every day.
396
00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:13,493
Wheelers, dude.
397
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:15,228
I love you.
398
00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:18,265
I love you, too.
399
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:27,440
Stuff that happened
when I was a kid?
400
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,642
Becca.
401
00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:34,414
-Great party, bud.
-Mm-hmm.
402
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:37,484
Here. My guy says it's time
to settle up.
403
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:45,692
-$6,000?
-Wait. Seriously?
404
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:48,195
-They hooked you up.
-Yeah.
405
00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:49,362
You got to tip huge.
406
00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:51,631
Me? Wait.
407
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:54,133
I thought you were paying
for everything.
408
00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:56,703
(scoffs) Edgar, why would I pay
for your friend's party?
409
00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:01,674
I don't... I...
410
00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:03,543
I've never spent
this much money before.
411
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:05,545
I just spent a thousand dollars
412
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:07,647
on sneakers designed
by Kanye West.
413
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,148
Oh, my God.
414
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,783
Oh, my God,
I'm gonna be sick.
415
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,385
-Okay. Edgar.
-Oh, my God.
416
00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:13,720
Look at me. Edgar.
417
00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:15,288
(panting)
418
00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:17,690
-You have such a giving spirit.
-(quietly): Yeah.
419
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:19,726
You deserve to drop
a little green on yourself.
420
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,127
-Yeah.
-Plus,
421
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,895
in a few years,
when we're running
422
00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:24,864
Max and Edgar Love Sketches,
423
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:27,500
six thou? That's six dollars.
424
00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:30,803
It's six pennies, it's six--
it's three pennies.
425
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:32,539
(exhales)
426
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:35,375
Okay.
427
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:37,210
Thanks for talking me down.
428
00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:38,811
Hey, anytime.
429
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:41,214
After all,
I do need a new main dude
430
00:19:41,248 --> 00:19:43,550
now that Brent's snoobering
in Colorado.
431
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:45,252
Really?
432
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:47,287
(dog barking in distance)
433
00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:53,059
*
434
00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:55,094
Good cake, huh?
435
00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:57,063
Yeah.
436
00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:59,332
Red velvet's my favorite.
437
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:00,800
Not a real flavor.
438
00:20:01,468 --> 00:20:03,169
Wh... ? Hey.
439
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,904
I explicitly told you
I wasn't ready
440
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:07,073
for Olivia to meet you yet.
441
00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:09,542
Exactly, Boone.
442
00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:11,378
Not a name, by the way.
443
00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:13,880
Man, usually it takes a minute
444
00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:16,549
for a guy's true feelings
to reveal themselves.
445
00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:20,186
How "I'm damaged and only good
for having fun now."
446
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:23,690
-But when you said I can't meet
your dau... -Hey. Dummy.
447
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:25,625
I didn't want you to meet her
for her sake.
448
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:27,794
Because she's a child
and I have an obligation
449
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,729
to not have her get attached
to people too early.
450
00:20:29,762 --> 00:20:31,264
Jesus.
451
00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:33,933
Why am I even justifying
myself to you?
452
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:35,968
Oh, right,
because I like you.
453
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:39,706
Or did.
454
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:42,309
Good-bye, Gretchen.
455
00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:44,243
And Boone is totally
a real name.
456
00:20:47,514 --> 00:20:49,316
I'm sorry.
457
00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:51,083
Hey. Boone.
458
00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:53,586
I-I'm sorry.
459
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:57,324
It's just that I have
strong feelings for you.
460
00:20:57,357 --> 00:20:59,726
And it hurt
when you didn't think
461
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,294
I was worthy of meeting
your daughter,
462
00:21:01,328 --> 00:21:04,797
'cause she's part of you.
463
00:21:04,831 --> 00:21:06,799
What I am saying is
464
00:21:06,833 --> 00:21:08,801
if you want to go down the road,
465
00:21:08,835 --> 00:21:12,439
I want to go down it, too...
with you.
466
00:21:15,808 --> 00:21:18,277
Look, I've had thoughts, too.
467
00:21:18,311 --> 00:21:20,146
But I was worried
I might still be
468
00:21:20,179 --> 00:21:22,148
marriage brainwashed.
469
00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:24,183
(sighs) Shit.
470
00:21:24,216 --> 00:21:26,619
Maybe we should go for it.
471
00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:32,091
Okay.
472
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,526
Uh...
473
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,294
I still have to take
Olivia home,
474
00:21:35,328 --> 00:21:38,531
or she's gonna be a real
piece of shit in the morning.
475
00:21:38,565 --> 00:21:40,867
Let's hang tomorrow, okay?
476
00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:42,335
-Okay.
-Okay.
477
00:21:42,369 --> 00:21:44,537
Uh, let's go, sweetie.
478
00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:55,782
Adrienne, please come out.
479
00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:57,950
And bring towels,
for God's sake.
480
00:21:57,984 --> 00:21:59,619
ADRIENNE:
No!
481
00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:03,456
(crying): I always get too drunk
at these things.
482
00:22:03,490 --> 00:22:07,727
(moaning): Oh, God.
My whole career is a lie.
483
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:10,162
How can I write erotica
484
00:22:10,196 --> 00:22:13,366
when I've never even had
an orgasm?
485
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,668
What? You totally...
486
00:22:15,702 --> 00:22:18,037
I fake them.
487
00:22:18,070 --> 00:22:20,407
(crying)
488
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:23,042
What are they like, Jimmy?
489
00:22:23,075 --> 00:22:24,577
I've heard it's like
490
00:22:24,611 --> 00:22:27,480
when you have to pee really bad,
and then you do.
491
00:22:27,514 --> 00:22:29,382
Is that what it's like?
492
00:22:29,416 --> 00:22:32,419
Well, I don't want to rub it in,
but they're kind of
493
00:22:32,452 --> 00:22:34,987
the only truly transcendent
thing in this world.
494
00:22:35,021 --> 00:22:36,656
(crying):
Please, no.
495
00:22:36,689 --> 00:22:38,691
(phone rings)
496
00:22:41,260 --> 00:22:43,262
(sobbing):
Oh, I hate myself.
497
00:22:43,295 --> 00:22:45,197
I use the thesaurus app
498
00:22:45,231 --> 00:22:46,399
with everything I write.
499
00:22:46,433 --> 00:22:49,168
I give talks on body positivity,
500
00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:51,604
but I bought a waist trainer
on the Internet.
501
00:22:51,638 --> 00:22:53,606
(sobs)
502
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:57,744
-Jimmy? Jimmy.
-(door closing)
503
00:22:57,777 --> 00:23:00,913
GRETCHEN (on phone):
Sorry to bug you.
504
00:23:00,947 --> 00:23:02,281
The patio door is stuck again.
505
00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:07,587
Well, there's, um,
WD-40 in the garage.
506
00:23:07,620 --> 00:23:09,255
That usually does it.
507
00:23:09,288 --> 00:23:12,091
Thanks.
508
00:23:12,124 --> 00:23:15,495
No problem.
509
00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:19,466
So...
510
00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:22,602
How is the work trip?
511
00:23:25,304 --> 00:23:27,239
Well,
512
00:23:27,273 --> 00:23:30,777
I learned there's
a whole genre of erotica
513
00:23:30,810 --> 00:23:34,113
that's just women having sex
with werewolves.
514
00:23:34,146 --> 00:23:36,483
What? We talking wolf-human sex?
515
00:23:36,516 --> 00:23:38,384
And quite often,
516
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:40,219
they're historical werewolves.
517
00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:41,954
Shut up.
518
00:23:41,988 --> 00:23:45,124
Like werewolves who are also
Civil War soldiers and shit?
519
00:23:45,157 --> 00:23:48,628
Jimmy, that's hella hot.
520
00:23:48,661 --> 00:23:52,264
You got to bring me
one of those books.
521
00:23:52,298 --> 00:23:55,134
I have two in my bag.
522
00:24:01,107 --> 00:24:02,575
Hey,
523
00:24:02,609 --> 00:24:03,910
so you won't believe
who showed up
524
00:24:03,943 --> 00:24:05,478
to Lindsay's divorce party
tonight.
525
00:24:05,512 --> 00:24:06,946
Divorce party, where?
526
00:24:06,979 --> 00:24:08,247
Shh, don't worry about it.
527
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:09,582
But listen,
528
00:24:09,616 --> 00:24:11,250
guess who walked in?
529
00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:13,019
-Paul.
-No.
530
00:24:13,052 --> 00:24:14,320
Yes.
531
00:24:14,353 --> 00:24:15,622
And barf,
532
00:24:15,655 --> 00:24:18,257
-but he might be secret hot now.
-Yes!
533
00:24:18,290 --> 00:24:19,992
I thought the same thing.
534
00:24:20,026 --> 00:24:22,294
He looks like a hot Nazi.
535
00:24:22,328 --> 00:24:24,330
Like Ralph in
The Sound of Music.
536
00:24:24,363 --> 00:24:25,665
Yes.
537
00:24:25,698 --> 00:24:27,867
Anyway, so Paul comes in
538
00:24:27,900 --> 00:24:30,136
cackling like a super villain...
539
00:24:30,169 --> 00:24:34,306
* I want
540
00:24:34,340 --> 00:24:38,611
* I want you
541
00:24:38,645 --> 00:24:41,147
* I want you to kiss me
542
00:24:41,180 --> 00:24:44,150
* Behind my ear
543
00:24:46,853 --> 00:24:48,988
* There's a mean wind
544
00:24:49,021 --> 00:24:50,890
* Blowing today
545
00:24:50,923 --> 00:24:52,458
* It's pushing me
546
00:24:52,491 --> 00:24:54,226
* To both go and stay,
but I... *
547
00:24:56,195 --> 00:24:57,564
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
548
00:24:57,597 --> 00:24:59,165
(dog barks)
549
00:25:06,238 --> 00:25:07,907
Hey.
550
00:25:07,940 --> 00:25:10,543
If I buy you a drink,
does that mean you have to
go down on me?
551
00:25:10,577 --> 00:25:13,179
'Cause, you know...
feminism.
552
00:25:21,788 --> 00:25:22,922
(screaming)
553
00:25:22,955 --> 00:25:24,724
ANNOUNCER:
American Horror Story: Cult.
554
00:25:24,757 --> 00:25:27,259
All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
555
00:25:29,395 --> 00:25:32,098
Okay. One light
is blinking.
556
00:25:32,131 --> 00:25:34,333
DUKE: Mom!
557
00:25:34,366 --> 00:25:36,168
Uh--
Mom!
558
00:25:36,202 --> 00:25:38,871
Yes. It's-- Two lights
are blinking again.
559
00:25:38,905 --> 00:25:40,907
Still not working!
560
00:25:40,940 --> 00:25:44,343
Okay. Three lights
are blinking.
561
00:25:44,376 --> 00:25:46,145
Now no lights
are blinking.
562
00:25:47,213 --> 00:25:48,948
Yes, I love to hold.
563
00:25:48,981 --> 00:25:50,950
Mom!
(groans)
564
00:25:50,983 --> 00:25:53,920
(whines)
565
00:25:53,953 --> 00:25:55,688
ANNOUNCER: Better Things.
Ugh.
566
00:25:55,722 --> 00:25:57,990
All new Thursdays
at 10:00 on FX.
567
00:26:02,294 --> 00:26:04,931
(doves cooing)
568
00:26:09,168 --> 00:26:12,038
(two gunshots)
569
00:26:12,071 --> 00:26:13,673
(doves twittering)
38708
