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1
00:00:19,150 --> 00:00:20,450
Here we go.
2
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,096
Oh, you were wonderful, Felix.
3
00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:23,266
Thank you.
4
00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:24,506
You're a great ball player.
5
00:00:24,530 --> 00:00:25,766
Give me your glove.
6
00:00:25,790 --> 00:00:28,006
Oh. How do you manage
to slide into home base
7
00:00:28,030 --> 00:00:29,776
without even
smudging your uniform?
8
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,000
Practice. Practice.
9
00:00:32,070 --> 00:00:34,146
I got my letter in
college for that.
10
00:00:34,170 --> 00:00:35,316
Oh.
11
00:00:35,340 --> 00:00:36,526
Where did we lose Oscar?
12
00:00:36,550 --> 00:00:38,970
He stopped at a hotdog stand.
13
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,810
Not another hotdog!
14
00:00:40,870 --> 00:00:42,886
You know, the guy
is such a glutton.
15
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:44,680
I'm worried about him, Nancy.
16
00:00:44,740 --> 00:00:47,300
I watched him eating six
hot dogs during the game,
17
00:00:47,350 --> 00:00:49,350
and he only chewed two.
18
00:00:49,420 --> 00:00:52,740
You know, he
always stuffs himself.
19
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,576
I wish he could be
more like you, Felix.
20
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,586
You're in perfect condition.
21
00:00:56,610 --> 00:00:57,786
Thank you, Dr. Cunningham.
22
00:00:57,810 --> 00:01:01,650
A sound mind in a healthy body.
23
00:01:10,650 --> 00:01:12,646
Oscar...
24
00:01:12,670 --> 00:01:13,936
Oscar, are you all right?
25
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:16,066
Yeah, I need the beer,
honey, I need the beer.
26
00:01:16,090 --> 00:01:18,016
Here. FELIX: Oscar,
27
00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:19,176
please.
28
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,276
Ten seconds, and
look at this mess.
29
00:01:21,300 --> 00:01:23,106
Will you open it for me, honey?
30
00:01:23,130 --> 00:01:25,700
Honey... you
shouldn't be this tired.
31
00:01:25,770 --> 00:01:27,246
I'm really worried about you.
32
00:01:27,270 --> 00:01:28,886
I'm fine, honey... The
heat's got me, that's all.
33
00:01:28,910 --> 00:01:30,616
It's not the heat,
it's the food.
34
00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:32,366
Look at this...
Mustard on his mitt.
35
00:01:32,390 --> 00:01:33,656
Food's got
nothing to do with it.
36
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,406
I'll be fine as soon as
I get my second wind.
37
00:01:35,430 --> 00:01:37,576
Your second wind's
as bad as your first.
38
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:39,506
I'm really worried
about him, Nancy.
39
00:01:39,530 --> 00:01:41,076
Yeah. Will you cut it out?
40
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:43,660
I've been playing baseball every
weekend for 16 years, honey.
41
00:01:43,700 --> 00:01:45,886
One hour of exercise a week.
42
00:01:45,910 --> 00:01:47,236
But that's all you do, darling.
43
00:01:47,260 --> 00:01:49,336
You're at an age where you
have to take care of your body.
44
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:50,506
Honey, I'm in great shape.
45
00:01:50,530 --> 00:01:51,756
I can do anything he can do.
46
00:01:51,780 --> 00:01:53,426
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
47
00:01:53,450 --> 00:01:55,946
Well, it's not "ho,
ho, ho," Santa Claus.
48
00:01:55,970 --> 00:01:57,656
You just said a
very amusing thing.
49
00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:59,846
You think you're in
better shape than I am?
50
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:02,780
My mother's in better
shape than you are.
51
00:02:04,070 --> 00:02:05,500
Oscar, I am a trained athlete.
52
00:02:05,580 --> 00:02:06,786
I'm never out of condition.
53
00:02:06,810 --> 00:02:09,286
And every summer, I go
away to the health farm
54
00:02:09,310 --> 00:02:11,026
for two weeks of
really rigorous training.
55
00:02:11,050 --> 00:02:13,226
Those are the best
two weeks of my life.
56
00:02:13,250 --> 00:02:14,496
Mine, too.
57
00:02:16,650 --> 00:02:18,216
Nancy, would you be good enough
58
00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:20,046
to toss a pillow
right there, please?
59
00:02:20,070 --> 00:02:22,630
What are you gonna
do, pick up a pillow?
60
00:02:23,380 --> 00:02:25,320
Can you do this?
61
00:02:26,410 --> 00:02:27,686
What does that prove? Hey!
62
00:02:27,710 --> 00:02:31,550
There's dust under
the couch. Wow!
63
00:02:32,190 --> 00:02:33,266
What-What does that prove?
64
00:02:33,290 --> 00:02:34,666
Anybody with a flat head
65
00:02:34,690 --> 00:02:36,230
could do that.
66
00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:38,606
Do something, uh,
gymnastic, you know.
67
00:02:38,630 --> 00:02:41,190
Something gymnastic? Yeah.
68
00:02:41,610 --> 00:02:43,540
Can you do this?
69
00:02:44,850 --> 00:02:47,410
Oh, wow!
70
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:50,340
Now he's a kangaroo.
71
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:54,240
You only learned that
because you were afraid of mice.
72
00:02:54,460 --> 00:02:55,566
Come on, do something manly
73
00:02:55,590 --> 00:02:57,256
like we used to do when
we were in the army.
74
00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:58,406
In the army? Yeah.
75
00:02:58,430 --> 00:02:59,656
You want to clean the latrine?
76
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,496
No, you know what I mean.
77
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:03,776
Pushups. We used to do pushups.
78
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,676
How about pushups?
One arm or two?
79
00:03:05,700 --> 00:03:07,250
Two arms, show-off.
80
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:08,846
Will you count for me, Nancy?
81
00:03:08,870 --> 00:03:10,016
Sure. Here we go.
82
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:11,186
Are you counting? One,
83
00:03:11,210 --> 00:03:12,686
two, three, Yes.
84
00:03:12,710 --> 00:03:14,756
Four, five, Notice the hands
are close together, not far apart,
85
00:03:14,780 --> 00:03:16,356
which is easy, but close
together, six, seven,
86
00:03:16,380 --> 00:03:17,656
the back is straight at
all times. eight, nine, ten.
87
00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,226
And talking all the time...
Tell me when to quit.
88
00:03:19,250 --> 00:03:20,956
All right, that's enough.
And not out of breath.
89
00:03:20,980 --> 00:03:23,210
Wow, Felix!
90
00:03:26,060 --> 00:03:27,510
The floor is yours.
91
00:03:27,570 --> 00:03:30,686
You want me to do it with
my hat on or my hat off?
92
00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:32,656
Make yourself comfortable.
93
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,826
You count for me,
will you, honey? Sure.
94
00:03:34,850 --> 00:03:36,456
Okay, you start counting, baby.
95
00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:37,760
Get your back straight.
96
00:03:37,820 --> 00:03:39,896
One... one, two. Fine,
fine. Keep counting.
97
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,200
That's it, keep counting.
98
00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:42,996
Three, three. Keep
counting, keep counting, babe.
99
00:03:43,020 --> 00:03:44,516
Three. Three?
Three? Keep counting.
100
00:03:44,540 --> 00:03:46,470
You can stop counting, honey.
101
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:56,380
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
102
00:03:56,450 --> 00:03:58,510
from his place of residence.
103
00:03:58,590 --> 00:04:01,230
That request came from his wife.
104
00:04:01,290 --> 00:04:03,666
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
105
00:04:03,690 --> 00:04:07,120
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
106
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,100
With nowhere else to go,
107
00:04:09,170 --> 00:04:11,940
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
108
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,216
Several years earlier,
109
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:14,816
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
110
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,530
requesting that he never return.
111
00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:20,086
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
112
00:04:20,110 --> 00:04:22,670
without driving
each other crazy?
113
00:04:51,790 --> 00:04:54,720
♪ ♪
114
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:27,586
What are you doing?
115
00:05:27,610 --> 00:05:29,370
Huh?
116
00:05:29,450 --> 00:05:32,120
Crouching on the desk.
117
00:05:32,180 --> 00:05:33,426
Want me to help you down?
118
00:05:33,450 --> 00:05:34,980
No.
119
00:05:35,050 --> 00:05:36,566
You know, you're double-
jointed or something?
120
00:05:36,590 --> 00:05:38,126
Come here, come here, come here.
121
00:05:38,150 --> 00:05:39,896
I want to talk to you,
Oscar, really, seriously,
122
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:43,250
about... about the
happiness of our home.
123
00:05:43,330 --> 00:05:46,500
First you're Jack LaLanne,
now you're Dear Abby.
124
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,730
No. Listen, my friend, your
well-being is my concern.
125
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:54,240
I want to have a heart-to-heart,
man-to-man talk with you.
126
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:56,300
Okay, Dad.
127
00:05:59,910 --> 00:06:01,956
I'm going to ignore that, Oscar,
128
00:06:01,980 --> 00:06:05,420
'cause I know that you're upset.
129
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:08,006
You're upset about the
rotten shape you're in.
130
00:06:08,030 --> 00:06:09,546
I'm not in rotten shape.
131
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:12,280
I may not be in tip-top
shape, but I'm definitely in tip.
132
00:06:12,340 --> 00:06:13,816
Oh. Why did...
What's the difference?
133
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:15,016
I'm happy.
134
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,116
What did you have for
breakfast this morning?
135
00:06:17,140 --> 00:06:19,700
Now, don't start that... candy
and soda are energy foods.
136
00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:24,090
You should start a
sensible regimen of diet
137
00:06:24,170 --> 00:06:26,810
and exercise, and you should
begin by going to Burger's...
138
00:06:26,870 --> 00:06:28,146
Burger's Fat Farm, I know.
139
00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:30,616
I go there every
year, and I'm not fat.
140
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,786
If you're not fat,
it's a health farm.
141
00:06:32,810 --> 00:06:34,616
If you're fat, it's a fat farm.
142
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:37,340
For you, it would
be a blubber farm.
143
00:06:37,410 --> 00:06:39,040
I like my blubber.
144
00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:41,196
It keeps me warm, it
keeps me company,
145
00:06:41,220 --> 00:06:43,820
it keeps my pants up.
146
00:06:43,890 --> 00:06:46,140
What do you want to do?
147
00:06:48,740 --> 00:06:52,020
Do you want to vacuum,
or do you want to talk?
148
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:55,120
How else will I get the
ashes out of my pocket?
149
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,066
Do you realize
150
00:07:01,090 --> 00:07:02,566
you haven't had a
physical examination
151
00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:04,296
in all the time I've know you?
152
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:05,806
You haven't known me that long.
153
00:07:05,830 --> 00:07:07,536
I had one a short while ago.
154
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,076
When? When? Who was the doctor?
155
00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:10,536
Not Melnitz. No,
not Dr. Melnitz.
156
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,130
He's not the only doctor
in the world, now, is he?
157
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,306
Well, then who was it?
158
00:07:14,330 --> 00:07:15,800
I don't have to tell you.
159
00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:17,616
Ah, you didn't have a
physical examination.
160
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,580
Dr. Hashimura. Dr. Hashimura?
161
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,500
Yeah, Lieutenant Sessu
Hashimura, Okinawa.
162
00:07:23,580 --> 00:07:27,170
Okinawa!
163
00:07:27,230 --> 00:07:30,330
The last time you had a physical
examination was in the army?
164
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:32,616
Yeah, and Hashimura
said I was in A-one shape.
165
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:35,610
Oh, Oscar, do yourself a favor.
166
00:07:35,670 --> 00:07:36,946
Look at this.
167
00:07:36,970 --> 00:07:40,236
Go down tomorrow, let
Nancy examine you. Why?
168
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:42,940
Because a lot has happened
since-since Okinawa.
169
00:07:43,010 --> 00:07:45,196
You've been married,
you've been divorced,
170
00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:47,696
you've eaten two
freight cars of cold cuts.
171
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:49,926
You've had your
clothes cleaned...
172
00:07:49,950 --> 00:07:51,230
once.
173
00:07:52,890 --> 00:07:56,750
You should have a physical
examination every war.
174
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,226
If you get off my back, I'll
go down and see Nancy,
175
00:07:59,250 --> 00:08:01,236
but she'll tell me the same
thing that Hashimura did.
176
00:08:01,260 --> 00:08:02,306
What did he say?
177
00:08:02,330 --> 00:08:04,890
A little more tea,
cut down on the rice.
178
00:08:32,350 --> 00:08:34,520
Hello?
179
00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:36,996
No, I'm-I'm sorry, the
doctor isn't in right now.
180
00:08:37,020 --> 00:08:39,520
Uh... may I help you?
181
00:08:40,990 --> 00:08:42,790
No, I'm a photographer.
182
00:08:46,530 --> 00:08:47,950
Bet I could have helped.
183
00:08:49,060 --> 00:08:50,906
How was your examination?
184
00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:52,210
Fine. How was yours?
185
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,176
I'm glad you dragged
me down here.
186
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:57,210
I got to see Nancy, I got a
couple of hugs... it was nice.
187
00:08:57,290 --> 00:08:59,436
Forgetting about the sex,
how was your examination?
188
00:08:59,460 --> 00:09:01,266
Fine. I told you I'm
fine. There's no...
189
00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:03,850
Nancy, how is he? Eager.
190
00:09:05,190 --> 00:09:07,836
His, uh, pulse and blood
pressure are normal. Uh-huh.
191
00:09:07,860 --> 00:09:09,446
The tests come back
from the lab tomorrow,
192
00:09:09,470 --> 00:09:11,346
and that's about
all I can see for now,
193
00:09:11,370 --> 00:09:13,466
except for a little fat
around the tummy.
194
00:09:13,490 --> 00:09:15,496
Honey, that's fun fat.
Everybody has that.
195
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:16,330
I don't have it.
196
00:09:16,410 --> 00:09:19,140
You don't have any fun, either.
197
00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:21,466
My body isn't in question here.
198
00:09:21,490 --> 00:09:23,876
Nancy, tell me the
truth, how is he?
199
00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:26,470
Well, as his doctor, I'd
say he's in fair shape,
200
00:09:26,530 --> 00:09:28,190
but honey, honey,
201
00:09:28,270 --> 00:09:30,910
as your girlfriend,
I have to admit,
202
00:09:30,970 --> 00:09:32,346
if you were in better condition,
203
00:09:32,370 --> 00:09:33,546
you'd look a lot sexier.
204
00:09:33,570 --> 00:09:35,116
Uh-huh. Oh, thanks a lot.
205
00:09:35,140 --> 00:09:36,456
And I don't need
anything from you.
206
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:37,716
Is that a nice thing to say?
207
00:09:37,740 --> 00:09:39,256
Hi, Doc. Hi there, Bob.
208
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:41,426
Hey, I'm all ready for
my annual body checkup.
209
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:43,356
Go right on in,
I'll be with you.
210
00:09:43,380 --> 00:09:45,346
Well, I'm really
looking forward to it.
211
00:09:45,370 --> 00:09:48,046
Are you gonna examine him? Yep.
212
00:09:48,070 --> 00:09:49,516
Just the way you examined me?
213
00:09:49,540 --> 00:09:51,246
Uh-huh. I'm going
in there with you.
214
00:09:51,270 --> 00:09:53,290
No, you're not. No.
215
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,536
Bye, Felix.
216
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,936
Wait a minute. How
am I... all right or not?
217
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,106
Oscar, don't worry.
218
00:09:58,130 --> 00:09:59,946
You'll be around
for a long time,
219
00:09:59,970 --> 00:10:01,976
wheezing and puffing and eating.
220
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,930
Mm.
221
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,836
It's gonna be the most
depressing day of my life.
222
00:10:08,860 --> 00:10:10,736
My girlfriend, who
doesn't think I'm sexy,
223
00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:13,036
is in there examining
Mr. America.
224
00:10:13,060 --> 00:10:15,760
What would you say if I told you
225
00:10:15,830 --> 00:10:17,576
I could give you a new body?
226
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,500
I'd ask for his.
227
00:10:19,570 --> 00:10:21,316
No. I mean, rebuild
the body you've got.
228
00:10:21,340 --> 00:10:22,546
Oh, please,
229
00:10:22,570 --> 00:10:24,746
don't start with the fat
farm again, will you?
230
00:10:24,770 --> 00:10:26,586
You want to know the truth?
231
00:10:26,610 --> 00:10:29,430
Well, it embarrasses me to be
around all those flabby people.
232
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:30,870
Why?
233
00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:32,806
'Cause I'm one of them. Aha.
234
00:10:32,830 --> 00:10:34,976
Also, nobody likes
to see fat birds
235
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,046
of a feather flocking together.
236
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:38,830
Congratulations!
237
00:10:38,910 --> 00:10:40,986
You have just
taken the first step
238
00:10:41,010 --> 00:10:42,586
on the road to good health:
239
00:10:42,610 --> 00:10:45,180
admitting there is a
problem is the first step.
240
00:10:45,250 --> 00:10:47,450
Oscar,
241
00:10:47,510 --> 00:10:51,440
fat is the mortal enemy
of this amazing machine,
242
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,040
the human heart,
243
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:55,860
which begins beating
before you're born
244
00:10:55,940 --> 00:10:59,100
and continues
unceasingly until you die.
245
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:03,600
Inside this miraculous
organ are four chambers,
246
00:11:03,660 --> 00:11:05,940
two auricles and two ventricles.
247
00:11:06,020 --> 00:11:08,300
Now, what do you see?
248
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,300
Chocolate kisses.
249
00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:17,990
This is the most tasteless
thing I have ever seen.
250
00:11:18,060 --> 00:11:20,476
I gave that candy dish to her.
251
00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:22,840
Read the inscription.
252
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:24,840
"Eat your heart out."
253
00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:34,850
Ah. Yes, look.
254
00:11:34,910 --> 00:11:36,940
This is it?
255
00:11:37,010 --> 00:11:38,886
Well, yes. It's
nice, it's clean.
256
00:11:38,910 --> 00:11:40,456
Looks like a motel for sissies.
257
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:43,150
Oh. And we're right
next to the gym.
258
00:11:43,220 --> 00:11:45,890
Oh, goody. I wake up
in the middle of the night
259
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,136
dying for a dumbbell,
I'll know where to go.
260
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:50,606
Come on, unpack... things
are gonna be starting real soon,
261
00:11:50,630 --> 00:11:52,606
and we don't want
to miss anything.
262
00:11:52,630 --> 00:11:55,540
Dr. Burger wants to
welcome you personally,
263
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,490
so he sent me.
264
00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:00,560
Oh, I...
265
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,240
You're going to have a very
happy time here, I'm sure.
266
00:12:03,310 --> 00:12:04,996
If you'll just empty
your pockets now.
267
00:12:05,020 --> 00:12:06,156
What?
268
00:12:06,180 --> 00:12:07,316
They want to make sure
269
00:12:07,340 --> 00:12:08,756
we haven't smuggled
in any contraband.
270
00:12:08,780 --> 00:12:10,326
Empty your pockets, come on.
271
00:12:10,350 --> 00:12:12,656
Contraband? Yes, there's
no food allowed in the rooms.
272
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:14,496
It's, uh, Burger's
first commandment:
273
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,266
"Thou shalt not nibble."
274
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,036
Only, uh, celery and
carrot sticks are allowed.
275
00:12:20,060 --> 00:12:21,336
No food, just lint.
276
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,066
Here, here, what's this?
277
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:25,006
Oh, that's not food.
Those are cigars, buddy.
278
00:12:25,030 --> 00:12:26,436
Yes, but there's
no smoking here.
279
00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:28,846
These will be given back
to you when you leave.
280
00:12:28,870 --> 00:12:30,006
Yeah, but I'm leaving now.
281
00:12:30,030 --> 00:12:31,646
No. Now, come
on, come on, Oscar.
282
00:12:31,670 --> 00:12:32,570
It's only for two weeks.
283
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,416
Come on, we're
gonna have a ball.
284
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,596
Thank you.
285
00:12:35,620 --> 00:12:37,180
We always win.
286
00:12:37,260 --> 00:12:41,830
Now, your, uh, gym hours
will be 10:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m.
287
00:12:41,890 --> 00:12:43,186
Jogging is optional.
288
00:12:43,210 --> 00:12:45,060
Ah!
289
00:12:45,130 --> 00:12:49,160
Dinner will be in, uh,
exactly 18 minutes.
290
00:12:49,230 --> 00:12:51,150
Don't be late.
291
00:12:54,390 --> 00:12:56,706
Boy, they've relaxed
the rules this year.
292
00:12:56,730 --> 00:12:58,500
Jogging optional.
293
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:01,990
Oh, boy, are we
gonna have a ball.
294
00:13:02,060 --> 00:13:04,060
Got a match?
295
00:13:15,450 --> 00:13:17,836
Aha. Hmm.
296
00:13:17,860 --> 00:13:19,290
What is this?
297
00:13:19,370 --> 00:13:22,570
Yogurt with crushed sesame seed.
298
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,616
Mmm. That's a
fancy hors d'oeuvre.
299
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:27,200
This isn't an hors d'oeuvre.
This is the main course.
300
00:13:28,010 --> 00:13:30,630
That was dinner?!
301
00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:34,410
I've spilled more
food on my shirts.
302
00:13:35,810 --> 00:13:38,056
This is concentrated
energy food.
303
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,376
Eat a little bit at a time.
That way you feel full.
304
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,450
I would need tweezers.
305
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:43,980
How do you like that?
306
00:13:44,060 --> 00:13:45,266
They give you nothing to eat,
307
00:13:45,290 --> 00:13:46,536
they serve you a finger bowl.
308
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:49,630
Take your fingers
out of the soup!
309
00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:52,500
Soup? It's lukewarm water.
310
00:13:52,570 --> 00:13:54,706
With a few necessary
minerals added.
311
00:13:54,730 --> 00:13:56,876
Chicken fat is the
only necessary mineral
312
00:13:56,900 --> 00:13:58,280
needed for soup.
313
00:13:58,350 --> 00:14:00,386
Oh, I don't care
what anybody says,
314
00:14:00,410 --> 00:14:02,186
I can't live on this. I
got to have seconds.
315
00:14:02,210 --> 00:14:04,060
I got to have firsts!
316
00:14:04,130 --> 00:14:06,130
You won't have room for dessert.
317
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,450
I'll rent room.
318
00:14:08,510 --> 00:14:11,430
What do you get for dessert?
Do you get to suck on a balloon?
319
00:14:14,190 --> 00:14:17,660
Dr. Burger is famous for his
"anything you wish" desserts.
320
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:19,730
Dessert here is mindblowing.
321
00:14:19,810 --> 00:14:21,016
Well, that's more like it.
322
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:23,770
A guppy couldn't
live on this. Ah!
323
00:14:23,850 --> 00:14:26,196
Ready to order dessert? Yes!
324
00:14:26,220 --> 00:14:29,810
Baked Alaska with
crème Chantilly.
325
00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:31,446
Hey, Felix, that
sounds better than mine.
326
00:14:31,470 --> 00:14:33,846
I'll have that on top of
a hot fudge nut sundae
327
00:14:33,870 --> 00:14:35,516
with a lot of whipped
cream. Oscar.
328
00:14:35,540 --> 00:14:37,186
Crème Chantilly
is whipped cream.
329
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,686
Yeah, but I'm hungry. I'll
have the whipped cream
330
00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:40,140
on top of the whipped cream.
331
00:14:40,210 --> 00:14:41,386
One baked Alaska
332
00:14:41,410 --> 00:14:44,630
with crème Chantilly. Mmm...
333
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,590
One baked Alaska
with crème Chantilly
334
00:14:48,650 --> 00:14:51,980
on a hot fudge sundae
with whipped cream over all.
335
00:14:52,060 --> 00:14:54,620
Would you like nuts on it?
336
00:14:56,060 --> 00:14:57,760
No, thanks.
337
00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,610
Mmm, mmm.
338
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,610
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
339
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,060
This is Dr. Burger's idea.
340
00:15:05,140 --> 00:15:07,510
To drive us crazy?
341
00:15:09,340 --> 00:15:11,886
So much of eating is for
the mind alone, not the body.
342
00:15:11,910 --> 00:15:14,156
The mere act of going
through the motions,
343
00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:15,750
pretending, satisfies.
344
00:15:15,820 --> 00:15:18,380
Satisfies the guy who
washes the dishes.
345
00:15:19,190 --> 00:15:20,466
What are you doing?
346
00:15:20,490 --> 00:15:22,960
I'm eating my baked Alaska.
347
00:15:23,020 --> 00:15:24,620
Mmm, mmm, mmm-mmm.
348
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:26,520
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
349
00:15:32,630 --> 00:15:35,480
Mmm-mmm.
350
00:15:38,250 --> 00:15:39,680
Oh.
351
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:42,060
It's a funny farm.
352
00:15:43,380 --> 00:15:44,710
Aren't you going to eat yours?
353
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:46,320
We got to get out of here.
354
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:47,800
Mm, mm.
355
00:15:47,860 --> 00:15:49,180
Try a forkful.
356
00:15:49,230 --> 00:15:50,730
Go ahead, you'll see.
357
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:51,996
Here, you have mine.
358
00:15:52,020 --> 00:15:54,620
Oh, no. No, I couldn't.
359
00:15:54,690 --> 00:15:57,086
Mine is so rich and creamy,
I don't think I'll be able
360
00:15:57,110 --> 00:15:58,480
to finish it.
361
00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:01,100
Don't you want your dessert?
362
00:16:02,650 --> 00:16:04,580
Ooh. Thanks.
363
00:16:09,130 --> 00:16:10,760
Mmm.
364
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:16,386
Look at this, Felix.
365
00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:18,406
I'm beginning to
believe this nonsense!
366
00:16:18,430 --> 00:16:19,880
Don't talk with your mouth full.
367
00:16:22,430 --> 00:16:24,476
Up! Up! Now let's
try the belly roll.
368
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,146
Come on, come
on. Let's get with it.
369
00:16:26,170 --> 00:16:27,416
Let's go with the belly roll.
370
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:28,770
On your stomachs, men.
371
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,146
That's it. Arms clasped
behind the back.
372
00:16:31,170 --> 00:16:33,316
And on the count
of one, begin rolling.
373
00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:39,040
One and two and one and two...
374
00:16:39,110 --> 00:16:41,040
You're a pleasure, Unger.
375
00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:45,180
Oscar. Come on!
376
00:16:45,250 --> 00:16:47,666
Come on, Oscar, let's go.
377
00:16:47,690 --> 00:16:50,250
Come on, Oscar. Come
on. Lets go. Let's go.
378
00:16:50,290 --> 00:16:52,676
Oh, good morning, Dr. Burger.
379
00:16:52,700 --> 00:16:55,580
Oh, a peach of a morning.
380
00:16:55,630 --> 00:16:57,790
Nice to see you again.
381
00:16:57,870 --> 00:17:00,430
Welcome back to our place.
382
00:17:01,370 --> 00:17:03,446
Anything wrong? Well...
383
00:17:03,470 --> 00:17:04,886
Madison here isn't
used to getting up
384
00:17:04,910 --> 00:17:05,956
so early in the morning.
385
00:17:05,980 --> 00:17:08,150
Oh, he will feel that life here
386
00:17:08,210 --> 00:17:10,706
is more, much more,
than a bowl of cherries.
387
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:12,320
Cherries are fattening.
388
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,340
Oh, you always
was a funny sense...
389
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,960
A crazy sense of humor.
390
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,516
Nearly time for lights out.
391
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,180
I smell hot pastrami.
392
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:23,716
Am I going cra... Do
you smell hot pastrami?
393
00:17:23,740 --> 00:17:24,806
Yeah, I do, sure.
394
00:17:24,830 --> 00:17:26,110
Oh, you do smell it.
395
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,636
Yeah. When the
wind's from the east.
396
00:17:27,660 --> 00:17:29,376
What's the east
wind got to do with it?
397
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,306
Max's Delicatessen
is up that way.
398
00:17:31,330 --> 00:17:34,230
Max's Delicatessen? Yeah.
399
00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:35,730
Oh, do they deliver?
400
00:17:37,610 --> 00:17:39,236
We're not even
allowed to talk to them.
401
00:17:39,260 --> 00:17:41,536
I was only kidding. You
know something, Felix?
402
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,060
You said Max's Delicatessen,
403
00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:45,676
it didn't mean that to
me. I guess I'm over it; Ah.
404
00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:47,326
All that health food and
everything. You see?
405
00:17:47,350 --> 00:17:49,496
The psychology's working on you.
406
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:51,366
That's the way it... Ah.
407
00:17:51,390 --> 00:17:52,766
Light's out. Burger bedtime.
408
00:17:52,790 --> 00:17:53,966
Not a second too soon.
409
00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:56,730
I am so tired!
410
00:17:56,790 --> 00:17:58,836
I tell you, it's all that
exercise and everything.
411
00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:02,970
Yeah. Well... Good night.
412
00:18:04,270 --> 00:18:05,776
I'll never get used to sleeping
413
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:07,730
with the Lone Ranger.
414
00:18:08,970 --> 00:18:10,900
Good night, Felix.
415
00:18:15,490 --> 00:18:17,920
Max's Delicatessen.
416
00:18:28,570 --> 00:18:32,410
I think you've got
my salami. Shh!
417
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,270
You've got a roommate.
418
00:18:35,350 --> 00:18:39,190
Shh. Yeah. I thought
you live alone.
419
00:18:39,670 --> 00:18:42,110
Enjoy, enjoy.
420
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:07,470
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
421
00:19:07,550 --> 00:19:09,250
How could you?
422
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:10,750
How could I what?
423
00:19:10,820 --> 00:19:14,470
You've smuggled in salami,
424
00:19:14,550 --> 00:19:20,760
pickles... corned
beef... potato chips...
425
00:19:20,830 --> 00:19:23,430
beer and a can opener.
426
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:25,870
How can you smell a can opener?
427
00:19:28,030 --> 00:19:31,960
Oh, Oscar, Oscar.
428
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,540
How did you do it?
429
00:19:33,610 --> 00:19:35,016
Oh, you'd have been proud of me.
430
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,316
I got it at Max's Delicatessen.
431
00:19:36,340 --> 00:19:37,956
I had to sneak
past all the guards
432
00:19:37,980 --> 00:19:39,780
they got on patrol here.
433
00:19:39,850 --> 00:19:42,496
Get rid of that food
at once! I'm going to.
434
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:45,120
I'll swallow it all in 20
minutes without chewing.
435
00:19:45,180 --> 00:19:47,426
Get it out of here.
Get rid of it. Come on.
436
00:19:47,450 --> 00:19:48,780
Get this food out of here.
437
00:19:48,850 --> 00:19:51,410
I'll give you a karate chop
I learned from Hashimura.
438
00:19:52,620 --> 00:19:54,250
All right.
439
00:19:54,330 --> 00:19:56,270
You leave me no choice.
440
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,690
Hello? This is Mr. Unger
441
00:20:00,770 --> 00:20:02,666
in room 112. Who
are you calling?
442
00:20:02,690 --> 00:20:04,790
I wish to report my roommate.
443
00:20:07,410 --> 00:20:12,140
For gross... oh, gross, gross
444
00:20:12,210 --> 00:20:15,040
violation of Burger's
first commandment,
445
00:20:15,110 --> 00:20:17,226
"Thou shalt not
eat in thy room."
446
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:19,366
I don't believe
it. That's right.
447
00:20:19,390 --> 00:20:21,726
I'm sorry, Oscar. This
is for your own good.
448
00:20:21,750 --> 00:20:24,136
Now, pack all that food
up, put it back in the bag.
449
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:25,986
You mean they're going to try
and take that food away from me?
450
00:20:26,010 --> 00:20:27,356
Every crumb. No.
451
00:20:27,380 --> 00:20:29,356
Oscar, Oscar. No. No. No!
452
00:20:29,380 --> 00:20:31,186
No, they're not! All right.
453
00:20:31,210 --> 00:20:33,096
You deserve the
mark of a squealer.
454
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:35,150
Get him! Get him!
455
00:20:35,220 --> 00:20:37,366
You'll never take
me thin! Never!
456
00:20:37,390 --> 00:20:39,990
Oscar, this is your
best friend talking.
457
00:20:42,060 --> 00:20:45,050
Don't be a fat farm
dropout, Oscar.
458
00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:47,670
Oscar, the guards
are out of the room.
459
00:20:47,750 --> 00:20:49,250
I'm alone here now.
460
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:50,596
You can trust me.
461
00:20:50,620 --> 00:20:52,396
Get him! Get him!
462
00:20:52,420 --> 00:20:54,860
Get him!
463
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,920
You dirty squealer.
464
00:20:56,990 --> 00:20:59,550
Oscar, I did it for
your own good.
465
00:21:02,530 --> 00:21:04,470
You really went bananas.
466
00:21:06,030 --> 00:21:08,310
Very serious, very serious.
467
00:21:08,380 --> 00:21:10,480
You are really in a pickle.
468
00:21:10,550 --> 00:21:12,666
Why does he have
to talk like that?
469
00:21:12,690 --> 00:21:16,260
Doctor, I've known
this man a long time.
470
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:17,506
He's not all bad.
471
00:21:17,530 --> 00:21:19,166
And I've known
this man a long time,
472
00:21:19,190 --> 00:21:20,490
and he's all bad.
473
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:25,740
Yeah. You will be
given punishment A.
474
00:21:25,820 --> 00:21:28,466
Does that mean I'm kicked
out? I can go home... Oh, no, no.
475
00:21:28,490 --> 00:21:29,696
It doesn't mean that at all.
476
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:31,566
It means that you
will not get to go
477
00:21:31,590 --> 00:21:33,336
to the movies tomorrow night
478
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,736
You'll get no
unbuttered popcorn,
479
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,106
and if you're caught with
food in your room again,
480
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:40,346
you'll be expelled
and have nothing left
481
00:21:40,370 --> 00:21:42,500
but your own bad body.
482
00:21:42,570 --> 00:21:44,240
Dismissed.
483
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,106
Boy, are you lucky I was along.
484
00:21:50,130 --> 00:21:52,690
If not for me, you'd be
on your way home now.
485
00:22:12,860 --> 00:22:14,140
What are you doing?
486
00:22:14,230 --> 00:22:16,790
You went to sleep
with the lamp on.
487
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:18,930
What's that?
488
00:22:18,990 --> 00:22:21,430
Popcorn.
489
00:22:21,490 --> 00:22:22,800
Is it buttered?
490
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,580
No butter, only salt.
491
00:22:24,630 --> 00:22:27,190
Ooh, I love salt. Mmm.
492
00:22:27,230 --> 00:22:29,336
Is it good? Yes,
it is. It's good.
493
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:30,730
Would you give me some?
494
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,360
Uh-uh, you're being
punished. You can't have any.
495
00:22:34,550 --> 00:22:36,396
But you wouldn't squeal
on me again, would you?
496
00:22:36,420 --> 00:22:37,696
Yes, I would.
497
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:41,440
Give me some, Felix,
or I'll have to kill you.
498
00:22:41,510 --> 00:22:43,010
You don't get any.
499
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:44,256
I'll have to throw it away...
500
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:45,686
Give it to me, Felix. No, no.
501
00:22:45,710 --> 00:22:47,556
Give it to me,
Felix. Give it to me!
502
00:22:47,580 --> 00:22:49,080
Guard! Guard!
503
00:23:04,670 --> 00:23:06,270
What are you packing for?
504
00:23:06,340 --> 00:23:08,110
They didn't kick you out.
505
00:23:08,170 --> 00:23:10,316
I told Burger if
you left, I leave.
506
00:23:10,340 --> 00:23:11,780
What did he say?
507
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,400
He said it was no
skin off his apple.
508
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:20,290
I wouldn't blame you if
you were mad at me, Oscar.
509
00:23:20,350 --> 00:23:21,746
I don't know, I don't...
510
00:23:21,770 --> 00:23:23,846
I don't know how
I did such a thing.
511
00:23:23,870 --> 00:23:26,370
Turning in my own best friend.
512
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:27,840
Why should I get mad at you?
513
00:23:27,910 --> 00:23:29,280
You were doing it for my good.
514
00:23:29,340 --> 00:23:30,800
I'm the fool.
515
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:33,820
No. I'm a fool
516
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,440
for thinking I can change you.
517
00:23:36,550 --> 00:23:37,990
You know what, Felix?
518
00:23:38,050 --> 00:23:39,610
I am going to try to change.
519
00:23:39,690 --> 00:23:41,526
I'm going to try to
eat the right foods.
520
00:23:41,550 --> 00:23:42,966
I'm going try to
do the exercises,
521
00:23:42,990 --> 00:23:45,660
do everything that
you think is right for me.
522
00:23:49,230 --> 00:23:51,606
No. You've got to do things
523
00:23:51,630 --> 00:23:52,990
your way, that's all.
524
00:23:53,070 --> 00:23:55,506
Look, so you'll live 25 years.
525
00:23:55,530 --> 00:23:57,360
I'll only last 20 years.
526
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,000
What's the difference
as long as we'll be happy?
527
00:24:02,410 --> 00:24:04,970
What is it, Felix,
what's the matter?
528
00:24:05,010 --> 00:24:07,570
I'll miss you.
529
00:24:17,170 --> 00:24:20,440
Oh, no, no, no!
530
00:24:20,510 --> 00:24:21,686
What are you doing?
531
00:24:21,710 --> 00:24:23,640
Cleaning up.
532
00:24:25,350 --> 00:24:26,630
You're cleaning up?
533
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,280
Cleaning up the icebox.
534
00:24:28,350 --> 00:24:31,350
Oscar, you know
this food is poison.
535
00:24:31,420 --> 00:24:33,096
This food gives me
strength. Strength?
536
00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:35,166
On this kind of strength,
you couldn't do three pushups.
537
00:24:35,190 --> 00:24:36,406
Oh, don't bring up the pushups.
538
00:24:36,430 --> 00:24:37,706
I never was really
good at pushups.
539
00:24:37,730 --> 00:24:39,436
What I'm really a champ
at is, um... arm wrestling.
540
00:24:39,460 --> 00:24:40,876
That's what I'm good
at. Arm wrestling?
541
00:24:40,900 --> 00:24:42,646
I'm great at that. Let's go.
542
00:24:42,670 --> 00:24:44,076
Felix, don't, I'm telling you.
543
00:24:44,100 --> 00:24:45,176
I'm warning you. You count.
544
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:47,050
All right. I warned you.
545
00:24:47,100 --> 00:24:49,500
One, two, three.
36286
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