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1
00:03:54,858 --> 00:04:00,695
"Here, of course, it is the same,
apparently, without rational explanation.
2
00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:05,367
"But it's quite easy, when you
come to think of it logically, in fact.
3
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:09,708
"Doctor Grayson was never in London
at the time of the murder.
4
00:04:09,834 --> 00:04:13,286
"ln fact, the good doctor stayed
at a small hotel in Melksham
5
00:04:13,422 --> 00:04:14,916
"on the night in question
6
00:04:15,049 --> 00:04:18,465
"and then returned to Broughton Gifford
on the 2:40 train,
7
00:04:18,595 --> 00:04:22,011
"disguised as
Sir Mortimer Turret's valet, Burton,
8
00:04:22,141 --> 00:04:26,602
"making sure his arrival
was noted by the ticket inspector.
9
00:04:26,729 --> 00:04:29,814
"From then on,
his plan was simplicity itself.
10
00:04:30,818 --> 00:04:32,858
"Knowing it was Burton's day off,
11
00:04:32,987 --> 00:04:35,988
"he had no difficulty
in entering Hellrate Hall unobserved
12
00:04:36,116 --> 00:04:39,568
"and murdering Sir Mortimer
with the arrow from the astrolabe,
13
00:04:39,703 --> 00:04:42,373
"which he had previously sharpened
on the stone-knife grinder
14
00:04:42,498 --> 00:04:43,779
"by the scullery window.
15
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:48,959
"Remember my query
about brass knives, at the time?
16
00:04:50,049 --> 00:04:53,798
"l was worried
about those metal shavings."
17
00:04:54,596 --> 00:04:59,555
"By Jove, Lord Merridew, sir.
You don't miss a trick,
18
00:04:59,686 --> 00:05:05,856
"but since you appear to know so much,
sir," continued the lnspector, humbly,
19
00:05:05,985 --> 00:05:09,568
"l wonder if you could explain just
how the murderer managed
20
00:05:09,698 --> 00:05:12,486
"to leave the body of his victim
in the middle of the tennis court
21
00:05:12,618 --> 00:05:17,080
"and effect his escape without leaving
any tracks behind him in the red dust.
22
00:05:17,207 --> 00:05:22,119
"Frankly, sir, we in the police force
are just plain baffled."
23
00:05:29,638 --> 00:05:35,061
St John Lord Merridew,
the great detective, rose majestically,
24
00:05:35,187 --> 00:05:40,099
his huge Father Christmas face
glowing with mischievous delight.
25
00:05:40,235 --> 00:05:43,900
Slowly he brushed the crumbs
of seedy cake
26
00:05:44,031 --> 00:05:46,653
from the folds
of his pendulous waistcoat.
27
00:05:46,784 --> 00:05:50,118
''The police may be baffled, lnspector,''
he boomed,
28
00:05:50,247 --> 00:05:52,572
''but Merridew is not.''
29
00:05:52,708 --> 00:05:56,623
''Thirty years ago, the murderer,
Doctor Grayson,
30
00:05:56,754 --> 00:05:59,590
''was a prominent member
of the Ballet Russe,
31
00:05:59,716 --> 00:06:02,552
''dancing under the name
of Oleg Graysinski.
32
00:06:03,596 --> 00:06:06,266
''Though the years had altered
his appearance somewhat,
33
00:06:06,391 --> 00:06:08,847
''yet his old skill had not deserted him.
34
00:06:08,977 --> 00:06:11,184
''He carried the body
to the centre of the court,
35
00:06:11,314 --> 00:06:13,603
''walking on his points
36
00:06:13,733 --> 00:06:17,103
''along the white tape
which separated the service boxes
37
00:06:17,237 --> 00:06:21,236
''and from there
he threw it seven feet into the court,
38
00:06:21,367 --> 00:06:23,574
''close to the base line,
where it was found,
39
00:06:23,703 --> 00:06:27,369
''and then,
with a neatly executed
fouetté,
40
00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:31,450
''he faced about
and went back the way he had come,
41
00:06:31,588 --> 00:06:34,126
''thus leaving no traces.
42
00:06:35,050 --> 00:06:39,096
''And that, lnspector,
is Merridew's solution.''
43
00:06:39,222 --> 00:06:40,467
Hello?
44
00:06:41,099 --> 00:06:42,594
Are you there?
45
00:06:43,144 --> 00:06:44,555
Mr Wyke?
46
00:06:45,688 --> 00:06:47,064
Mr Wyke?
47
00:06:47,190 --> 00:06:49,183
-Who's there?
-lt's me, Milo Tindle.
48
00:06:49,318 --> 00:06:50,433
l think you're expecting me.
49
00:06:50,569 --> 00:06:53,357
Yes indeed, so good of you to come.
Won't you join me?
50
00:06:53,489 --> 00:06:57,440
Well, l have been trying to do
exactly that for quite some time.
51
00:07:00,581 --> 00:07:02,076
Here we are.
52
00:07:07,631 --> 00:07:11,001
Yes, my outdoor inner sanctum.
l designed it myself.
53
00:07:11,136 --> 00:07:14,470
Provides for me just that extra bit
of privacy that an author requires.
54
00:07:14,598 --> 00:07:16,971
l must say
you're not an easy man to drop in on.
55
00:07:17,101 --> 00:07:20,685
Just so. So, you're Milo Tindle.
l'm Andrew Wyke.
56
00:07:20,814 --> 00:07:23,484
-Welcome to Cloak Manor.
-Thank you.
57
00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:25,851
l found your note when l came down
from London this afternoon.
58
00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:28,443
Oh, good, yes.
l hoped you'd be here this weekend,
59
00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:31,907
so l pushed it through your letter box
a little earlier today.
60
00:07:32,036 --> 00:07:34,361
Well, now, what will you have to drink?
61
00:07:34,664 --> 00:07:36,953
-Vodka and tonic, please.
-Of course.
62
00:07:37,083 --> 00:07:40,418
How are you settling in here
at Laundry Cottage?
63
00:07:40,546 --> 00:07:41,577
Very well, thank you.
64
00:07:41,714 --> 00:07:43,873
Using it for weekends
and that sort of thing?
65
00:07:44,008 --> 00:07:46,001
Yes, that sort of thing.
66
00:07:46,887 --> 00:07:50,470
Vodka,
l don't seem to have any out here. ls...
67
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,723
-Gin will do.
-Good.
68
00:07:52,894 --> 00:07:55,101
Yes, a charming little place,
Laundry Cottage.
69
00:07:55,272 --> 00:07:57,514
ldeal for relaxations of all kinds.
70
00:07:57,650 --> 00:08:00,486
Unfortunately,
l don't have time for them myself.
71
00:08:00,612 --> 00:08:01,892
As a matter of fact,
72
00:08:02,030 --> 00:08:05,151
l've just dictated the dénouement
of my new book,
73
00:08:05,284 --> 00:08:06,992
Death by Double-Fault.
74
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,825
l must say it's gone extremely well.
75
00:08:09,956 --> 00:08:12,163
Now then, soda, soda, soda...
76
00:08:13,836 --> 00:08:14,867
Dear.
77
00:08:15,004 --> 00:08:17,922
l don't seem to have
any tonic here either, it's awful.
78
00:08:18,049 --> 00:08:20,007
-Here, shall we go indoors?
-Whatever you like.
79
00:08:20,135 --> 00:08:21,334
Good.
80
00:08:21,887 --> 00:08:25,304
Tell me,
do you agree that the detective story
81
00:08:25,433 --> 00:08:28,601
is the normal recreation
of noble minds?
82
00:08:28,729 --> 00:08:31,600
l'm afraid l don't know
very much about noble minds.
83
00:08:31,732 --> 00:08:32,812
ls it supposed to be?
84
00:08:32,942 --> 00:08:36,988
l'm quoting from Philip Guedalla,
a biographer of the '30s.
85
00:08:37,114 --> 00:08:39,784
The golden age
when every cabinet minister
86
00:08:39,909 --> 00:08:43,954
had a thriller by his bedside
and all detectives were titled.
87
00:08:44,081 --> 00:08:46,999
-Before your time, l expect.
-Somewhat. Let me carry that.
88
00:08:47,543 --> 00:08:49,785
Thank you so much. Very good of you.
89
00:08:49,921 --> 00:08:54,584
Yet, you know, even today,
l still set my works among the gentry
90
00:08:54,718 --> 00:08:57,506
and a great many ordinary people
seem to enjoy them
91
00:08:57,639 --> 00:08:59,596
in spite of our classless society.
92
00:08:59,724 --> 00:09:02,014
l imagine they do a great deal
of your stuff on television.
93
00:09:02,812 --> 00:09:08,353
God forbid, l'd never permit it.
And, incidentally, it's not ''stuff'.
94
00:09:08,485 --> 00:09:11,937
No,
television is not my line of country at all.
95
00:09:12,073 --> 00:09:15,656
That's detective fact,
not detective fiction.
96
00:09:15,785 --> 00:09:19,155
And therefore,
no recreation for noble minds?
97
00:09:19,290 --> 00:09:22,576
You have it in a nutshell, my dear Milo,
if l may so address you.
98
00:09:22,961 --> 00:09:26,377
You might as well, we're all on
first name terms these days, Andrew.
99
00:09:26,507 --> 00:09:30,719
Of course we are, and you and l
do need to be friendly, do we not?
100
00:09:52,371 --> 00:09:55,159
How would you like your drink?
With ice?
101
00:09:57,335 --> 00:09:58,616
With ice?
102
00:09:59,630 --> 00:10:01,124
Yes, please.
103
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:18,984
What does he do?
104
00:10:23,784 --> 00:10:26,358
That's Jolly Jack Tar, the Jovial Sailor.
105
00:10:26,496 --> 00:10:29,117
He and l
have a really splendid relationship.
106
00:10:29,249 --> 00:10:32,001
l make the jokes and he laughs at them.
107
00:10:32,127 --> 00:10:35,995
Here,
mein freund,
put that behind your necktie.
108
00:10:36,883 --> 00:10:38,757
-He didn't laugh.
-No, he wasn't meant to.
109
00:10:38,927 --> 00:10:41,679
-l thought you were trying to be funny.
-No, you'll know it when l am.
110
00:10:41,806 --> 00:10:43,004
l see.
111
00:10:43,141 --> 00:10:44,635
-Cheers.
-Prost.
112
00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:52,395
-What's this?
-That is an intensely complicated
113
00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:55,232
4th Dynasty blocking game,
called Simera.
114
00:10:55,364 --> 00:10:58,151
l've been studying the thing for months,
but l'm still only a beginner.
115
00:10:58,284 --> 00:11:00,075
l wonder if you'd mind putting that back.
116
00:11:00,203 --> 00:11:01,863
lt's taken me rather a long time
to get it there.
117
00:11:01,997 --> 00:11:05,781
That's the centre column,
fourth from your right.
118
00:11:05,918 --> 00:11:09,703
Well, now,
l understand you want to marry my wife.
119
00:11:13,719 --> 00:11:15,213
Forgive me raising the matter,
120
00:11:15,346 --> 00:11:18,550
but as Marguerite is away for a few days
in the North, visiting relatives,
121
00:11:18,683 --> 00:11:20,842
l thought this might be
an appropriate moment for you and me
122
00:11:20,978 --> 00:11:23,018
to have a little chat.
123
00:11:23,147 --> 00:11:24,392
l see.
124
00:11:24,857 --> 00:11:27,265
Well, is it true?
125
00:11:29,071 --> 00:11:32,737
-Yes, with your permission, of course.
-Why not?
126
00:11:32,867 --> 00:11:36,153
You seem to be a personable enough
young man, nicely spoken,
127
00:11:36,288 --> 00:11:39,539
neatly dressed in brand new
country gentlemen's clothing.
128
00:11:39,667 --> 00:11:42,241
l'm sure you won't mind me
asking you a few questions
129
00:11:42,378 --> 00:11:45,499
about your background, parents,
and so forth.
130
00:11:46,550 --> 00:11:50,596
My mother was born in Hereford,
a farmer's daughter,
131
00:11:50,722 --> 00:11:55,135
and my father is an ltalian, who came
to this country in the '30s from Genoa.
132
00:11:55,269 --> 00:11:59,350
-ln the '30s? ls he Jewish?
-No, Catholic, very devout.
133
00:11:59,482 --> 00:12:00,977
Of course,
l'm not religious at all myself.
134
00:12:01,109 --> 00:12:04,027
My dear boy,
you don't have to excuse yourself to me.
135
00:12:04,155 --> 00:12:08,105
We're all liberals here.
l have no prejudice against Catholics.
136
00:12:08,243 --> 00:12:10,117
Not even the lapsed Catholics.
137
00:12:10,245 --> 00:12:14,873
ln fact some of my best friends
are lapsed Catholic.
138
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:17,623
Tell me about your father,
was his name Tindle, too?
139
00:12:17,754 --> 00:12:20,328
No, his name was Tindolini,
140
00:12:20,466 --> 00:12:22,708
but if you had a name like that
in those days
141
00:12:22,844 --> 00:12:25,418
you had to ''make-a the ice-a cream-a''.
142
00:12:26,223 --> 00:12:29,059
He was a watchmaker
and he wanted us to become English,
143
00:12:29,185 --> 00:12:32,186
-so he changed it.
-Become English?
144
00:12:34,107 --> 00:12:38,106
-Was he a successful man?
-No, as a matter of fact, he wasn't.
145
00:12:39,531 --> 00:12:43,992
You can't expect to make a living
these days just repairing watches.
146
00:12:44,119 --> 00:12:47,489
He went broke in the end.
l always told him he would.
147
00:12:47,624 --> 00:12:51,076
That must make him
something of a burden to you.
148
00:12:51,253 --> 00:12:53,329
Yeah, it does a bit.
149
00:12:54,382 --> 00:12:56,624
He never went back, you see.
150
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,429
He's still in Soho, still thinks
he had it good all those years.
151
00:12:59,555 --> 00:13:01,963
And you, what do you do?
152
00:13:03,351 --> 00:13:04,893
Don't you know?
153
00:13:07,147 --> 00:13:10,232
l have a hair dressing salon
in South Kensington.
154
00:13:10,359 --> 00:13:11,474
Casa Tindolini.
155
00:13:11,611 --> 00:13:13,403
You can use that word these days,
can you?
156
00:13:13,530 --> 00:13:15,606
People don't take it
for an ice cream salon?
157
00:13:15,741 --> 00:13:19,573
No, the birds... The ladies seem to like
the continental touch.
158
00:13:19,704 --> 00:13:25,578
-English too wholesome for them, eh?
-Yeah, well, it's not chic, you see?
159
00:13:25,711 --> 00:13:29,662
We found that it pays
to provide the Latin lover atmosphere.
160
00:13:29,799 --> 00:13:31,627
Of course, we lay it on a bit thicker
in the Brighton shop,
161
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:34,548
they're less sophisticated down there.
162
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:37,432
l mean to say, in London,
half of them have actually got...
163
00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:39,018
Latin lovers?
164
00:13:41,563 --> 00:13:46,025
And where do you live?
Above, behind or below your shop?
165
00:13:46,152 --> 00:13:49,937
l lease a mews house nearby.
lt's convenient and attractive.
166
00:13:50,074 --> 00:13:51,817
lt's Georgian, actually.
167
00:13:51,951 --> 00:13:54,621
From Genoa to Georgian
in a single generation, eh?
168
00:13:54,746 --> 00:13:55,944
Not bad.
169
00:13:56,081 --> 00:14:00,293
But l doubt whether an 18th century
architectural gem in South Kensington
170
00:14:00,420 --> 00:14:03,421
whispers quite the same magic
to Marguerite as it does to you.
171
00:14:03,548 --> 00:14:06,550
She adores old houses.
She can't wait to live in it.
172
00:14:06,677 --> 00:14:10,343
l understood she was already living in it,
once or twice a week at least.
173
00:14:10,473 --> 00:14:12,431
l'm not mistaken, am l?
174
00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:17,059
And that your motive
in renting the cottage down here
175
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:20,144
was to increase the incidence
of this bi-weekly coupling.
176
00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:22,685
ls that what you've asked me over here
to chat about?
177
00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:25,313
Never speak ill of the deadly, eh?
178
00:14:26,493 --> 00:14:30,111
lf l choose to say
that my wife converses like a child of six
179
00:14:30,247 --> 00:14:33,249
and makes love like an extinct shellfish,
l shall.
180
00:14:33,376 --> 00:14:36,543
And l don't need to ask
her lover's permission to do so either!
181
00:14:36,671 --> 00:14:38,581
-Thank you for the drink.
-Oh, now, now.
182
00:14:38,716 --> 00:14:40,258
l thought you were
brought up in England.
183
00:14:40,384 --> 00:14:42,710
Surely you know
it's not done to be rude.
184
00:14:42,846 --> 00:14:45,171
You were being rude
about a woman l'm in love with.
185
00:14:45,307 --> 00:14:47,929
On the contrary,
l was reminiscing about my wife.
186
00:14:48,060 --> 00:14:50,730
-lt comes to the same thing.
-Things mostly do, you know.
187
00:14:50,855 --> 00:14:55,068
l'll wager that in a year's time it'll be you
who'll be being rude about Marguerite
188
00:14:55,194 --> 00:14:56,653
and l will be being rhapsodic,
189
00:14:56,779 --> 00:14:59,317
and have quite forgotten
how intolerably tiresome,
190
00:14:59,449 --> 00:15:04,610
vain, spendthrift, self-indulgent
and generally bloody crafty she really is!
191
00:15:06,874 --> 00:15:10,576
Can you afford
to take her off my hands?
192
00:15:16,970 --> 00:15:19,508
-Afford to?
-Support her in the style
193
00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:23,852
to which she was not accustomed
before she met me, but now is?
194
00:15:23,978 --> 00:15:27,562
Well, l'm not a millionaire,
but l'm not starving either.
195
00:15:27,691 --> 00:15:29,815
The shop in London's doing all right,
196
00:15:29,944 --> 00:15:32,151
the one in Brighton's
almost breaking even.
197
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,487
-By this time next year...
-This year, next year, sometime, never.
198
00:15:34,616 --> 00:15:38,152
What you're really saying is
that, at present, you're skint.
199
00:15:38,287 --> 00:15:41,205
-We'll survive.
-Survival is scarcely the point.
200
00:15:41,333 --> 00:15:43,076
Presumably,
when you're married to Marguerite,
201
00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:46,247
you'll want a place on the Riviera,
a fast car, couple of mistresses.
202
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:48,504
Presumably?
Just because you need those things?
203
00:15:48,633 --> 00:15:52,299
Oh, no, just this fading mansion,
the slowest Bentley in Wiltshire,
204
00:15:52,429 --> 00:15:54,422
and only one mistress, l'm afraid.
205
00:15:54,557 --> 00:15:57,309
Tea, the Finnish bird,
who runs the sauna in Salisbury.
206
00:15:57,519 --> 00:15:59,393
You know about Tea, do you?
207
00:15:59,521 --> 00:16:01,598
Marguerite and l have no secrets
from each other.
208
00:16:01,732 --> 00:16:03,809
Not even mine, it seems.
209
00:16:04,444 --> 00:16:06,651
Tea is a Grelian goddess.
210
00:16:07,030 --> 00:16:08,608
Her golden hair smells of pine
211
00:16:08,741 --> 00:16:13,450
and her cobalt eyes are
the secret forest pools of Finlandia.
212
00:16:14,205 --> 00:16:15,997
l hear that she's a well-scrubbed blonde
213
00:16:16,124 --> 00:16:18,533
with all the sex appeal
of a second-hand jeep.
214
00:16:18,669 --> 00:16:20,627
Not so, dear boy,
you can take it from me.
215
00:16:20,755 --> 00:16:23,293
Tea is an engaging little trollop
and suits me mightily.
216
00:16:23,425 --> 00:16:25,797
Mind you,
she takes a bit of keeping up with.
217
00:16:25,928 --> 00:16:30,140
lt's a good thing l am pretty much
of an Olympic sexual athlete.
218
00:16:30,266 --> 00:16:34,645
Yes, l suppose these days you are
concentrating more on the sprints
219
00:16:34,772 --> 00:16:36,646
than on the long distance stuff.
220
00:16:36,774 --> 00:16:39,942
Not so, dear boy,
l'm in the pink of condition.
221
00:16:40,070 --> 00:16:43,190
l could copulate for England
at any distance.
222
00:16:44,033 --> 00:16:45,362
Red.
223
00:16:46,494 --> 00:16:48,571
Well, as they say in the Olympics,
224
00:16:48,705 --> 00:16:52,573
''lt's not the winning,
it's the taking-part that counts.''
225
00:16:52,877 --> 00:16:53,992
Are you going to marry her?
226
00:16:54,128 --> 00:16:56,916
Oh, no, no, no.
l just want to live with her.
227
00:16:57,049 --> 00:16:58,294
So, what's stopping you?
228
00:16:58,425 --> 00:17:01,593
Basically,
the firm of Prurient and Pry Ltd,
229
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:04,094
whom you and Marguerite
have seen fit to employ.
230
00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:06,098
Now, now, don't be so innocent.
231
00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:08,266
Those nicotine stained
private detectives
232
00:17:08,396 --> 00:17:11,730
have been camping outside Tea's flat
for the last week.
233
00:17:11,858 --> 00:17:13,436
lt was an insurance policy
234
00:17:13,569 --> 00:17:16,487
to keep you from changing your mind
about the divorce.
235
00:17:16,614 --> 00:17:18,690
How did you know
l wasn't having you watched?
236
00:17:18,825 --> 00:17:21,696
Why not?
Afraid of what you might find out?
237
00:17:21,828 --> 00:17:25,613
-Or didn't you think that was possible?
-Now, don't start doing a fertility dance.
238
00:17:25,750 --> 00:17:27,458
Of course l knew
that they'd find you and Marguerite
239
00:17:27,585 --> 00:17:29,413
rutting away like crazed weasels,
240
00:17:29,546 --> 00:17:32,251
but why should l pay good money
to have something confirmed
241
00:17:32,383 --> 00:17:34,506
which l'd known for months?
242
00:17:34,844 --> 00:17:36,089
Black.
243
00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:39,008
And, if you knew,
why didn't you do something about it?
244
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:40,386
Of course, l had to assure myself
245
00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:43,092
that you and Marguerite
were going to be a fixture.
246
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:46,147
You see,
l want to lose the dear girl for life.
247
00:17:46,275 --> 00:17:52,029
Not just a two week Tindolini perm,
set and touch-up.
248
00:17:55,494 --> 00:17:57,985
-Good shot.
-Yes, it was. Yellow.
249
00:17:58,122 --> 00:17:59,581
You see,
you don't know her as well as l do.
250
00:17:59,707 --> 00:18:01,332
You think you do, but you don't.
251
00:18:01,459 --> 00:18:04,959
lf you fail her, by which l mean
cancelling the account at Harrods,
252
00:18:05,089 --> 00:18:07,497
or short-changing her on winter
in Jamaica,
253
00:18:07,634 --> 00:18:10,920
she'll be back to me in a jiffy,
mewing for support.
254
00:18:11,054 --> 00:18:15,053
And guilty wife or no,
she may be entitled to get it.
255
00:18:15,977 --> 00:18:18,303
-Green.
-Money isn't everything.
256
00:18:18,438 --> 00:18:21,559
And what if she is used to luxury?
Whose fault is that?
257
00:18:21,692 --> 00:18:26,070
lt's not a fault, if you can afford it,
but can you?
258
00:18:28,283 --> 00:18:30,691
Knowing you to be hard up. Brown.
259
00:18:30,828 --> 00:18:33,616
Has she shown any signs
of mending her ways
260
00:18:33,748 --> 00:18:36,584
in these last idyllic three months?
261
00:18:37,127 --> 00:18:38,159
Blue.
262
00:18:38,295 --> 00:18:40,419
When, for instance,
did she last turn down
263
00:18:40,548 --> 00:18:44,333
a Dom Perignon in favour of,
no offence, mind you,
264
00:18:44,470 --> 00:18:47,554
the persuasive charms of Dago Red?
265
00:18:47,682 --> 00:18:48,962
Black.
266
00:18:51,812 --> 00:18:53,271
No, l'm not joking.
267
00:18:53,397 --> 00:18:56,648
How much has this brief liaison
cost you, so far?
268
00:18:58,945 --> 00:19:03,525
And that old dad of yours in Soho,
when did you last send him any money?
269
00:19:04,202 --> 00:19:08,948
We have talked about money.
Often, l've told her we spend too much.
270
00:19:09,082 --> 00:19:10,874
She takes no notice?
271
00:19:11,252 --> 00:19:12,450
None.
272
00:19:13,087 --> 00:19:16,789
A silvery laugh,
a coquettish turn of the head.
273
00:19:16,925 --> 00:19:18,799
Something like that.
274
00:19:19,387 --> 00:19:22,590
Well, it's to solve this little problem
that l've invited you around here tonight
275
00:19:22,724 --> 00:19:27,268
and this, as they say,
is where the plot thickens.
276
00:19:27,938 --> 00:19:29,267
What plot?
277
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:39,444
Whatever are you doing
with that cue in your hands?
278
00:19:39,577 --> 00:19:43,528
-l was waiting for you to miss.
-Foolish boy.
279
00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:47,790
Once upon a time, my dear Milo,
280
00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:52,050
there was an Englishman
called Andrew Wyke,
281
00:19:52,176 --> 00:19:54,003
who, in common
with most of his countrymen,
282
00:19:54,137 --> 00:19:59,049
was virtually castrated by taxation.
To avoid total emasculation
283
00:19:59,184 --> 00:20:02,352
his accountants advised him
to put a considerable part of his money,
284
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:07,606
some £250,000, into jewellery.
285
00:20:08,237 --> 00:20:10,064
His wife, of course, was delighted.
286
00:20:10,198 --> 00:20:12,772
Marguerite never told me
that you had given her any jewellery.
287
00:20:12,909 --> 00:20:16,326
Nor did l, of course, it's still mine,
as well she knows.
288
00:20:16,455 --> 00:20:18,947
We just thought it would be
more amusing for her to wear it
289
00:20:19,083 --> 00:20:22,619
than for me to bank it.
After all, it's fully insured.
290
00:20:23,547 --> 00:20:26,418
l see what you mean
by the plot thickening.
291
00:20:26,551 --> 00:20:27,831
l'm glad you follow me so readily.
292
00:20:27,969 --> 00:20:30,971
You see,
l want you to steal that jewellery.
293
00:20:38,774 --> 00:20:42,523
Tonight a choice, with Marguerite away,
it's an admirable opportunity.
294
00:20:42,653 --> 00:20:43,768
What about the servants?
295
00:20:43,905 --> 00:20:48,200
l've sent Mr and Mrs Hawkins away
to the seaside for a 48-hour paddle.
296
00:20:48,327 --> 00:20:52,740
They won't be back till Sunday night,
so, you see, the house is empty.
297
00:20:58,172 --> 00:20:59,453
Cheers.
298
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:03,210
Well, what do you say?
299
00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:06,512
-lt sounds distinctly criminal.
-Well, of course it's criminal.
300
00:21:06,641 --> 00:21:09,844
All good moneymaking schemes
in England have to be these days.
301
00:21:09,978 --> 00:21:12,351
Now, the jewellery,
when it's not in the bank,
302
00:21:12,481 --> 00:21:17,144
lives in an ingeniously hidden safe
somewhere here in the study.
303
00:21:17,278 --> 00:21:20,196
Where, for instance,
would you look for it?
304
00:21:41,057 --> 00:21:47,677
A good likeness, would you say?
Of course, it's 1 7... No, 18 years ago.
305
00:21:48,524 --> 00:21:50,683
l don't think
you'd hide your safe behind it.
306
00:21:50,819 --> 00:21:52,859
l've seen that in too many movies.
307
00:21:52,988 --> 00:21:57,698
Good thinking! All right, then where?
Are you up to finding it?
308
00:22:59,318 --> 00:23:03,612
There are certain skills
best acquired in public bars, l suppose.
309
00:23:03,740 --> 00:23:08,034
-But whatever made you think?
-You and your games.
310
00:23:08,162 --> 00:23:10,832
That is the only game in this room.
311
00:23:12,667 --> 00:23:15,503
Very clever.
Anyway, the jewels are in there.
312
00:23:15,629 --> 00:23:17,622
All you have to do is steal them,
sell them abroad,
313
00:23:17,757 --> 00:23:19,915
and live happily ever after
with Marguerite.
314
00:23:20,051 --> 00:23:23,717
All l have to do is claim the insurance
and live happily ever after with Tea.
315
00:23:23,847 --> 00:23:26,339
ls that what you asked me over to hear?
316
00:23:26,475 --> 00:23:30,640
A grotty little plot
to defraud the insurance company?
317
00:23:30,772 --> 00:23:32,682
l'm sorry you found the plot grotty.
318
00:23:32,816 --> 00:23:35,569
Personally, l thought it was all
rather nicely clear and simple.
319
00:23:35,695 --> 00:23:38,447
Look,
supposing l do as you say and nick...
320
00:23:38,573 --> 00:23:41,444
Steal the jewels.
lf l sell them under my own name,
321
00:23:41,577 --> 00:23:44,495
l'll get picked up
the moment you report the loss.
322
00:23:44,622 --> 00:23:47,790
lf l sell them to a fence,
always presuming l could find one,
323
00:23:47,918 --> 00:23:50,706
he'd carve me up,
l'd get a fraction of their value.
324
00:23:50,838 --> 00:23:53,674
-Not with the fences l know.
-What fences would you know?
325
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,755
The finest in Europe.
Prudent, yet prodigal.
326
00:23:56,887 --> 00:23:58,845
l first met them when l was researching
327
00:23:58,973 --> 00:24:01,429
for
The Deadly Affair
of the Druce Diamond.
328
00:24:01,559 --> 00:24:03,552
Surely you've read it.
329
00:24:04,146 --> 00:24:06,269
Pity. lt was an absolute corker.
330
00:24:06,398 --> 00:24:09,519
ln any case, on your behalf,
331
00:24:09,652 --> 00:24:12,939
l have already contacted
a certain gentleman in Amsterdam.
332
00:24:13,073 --> 00:24:14,153
He'll treat you very well.
333
00:24:14,283 --> 00:24:16,572
You won't get the full amount
for the jewels, of course,
334
00:24:16,702 --> 00:24:23,585
but you'll get about two-thirds,
say, £1 70,000.
335
00:24:23,711 --> 00:24:25,704
You'll get it in cash.
336
00:24:26,339 --> 00:24:29,376
-A hundred and seventy thousand quid?
-Cash.
337
00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:33,297
Why should this fellow pay so much?
338
00:24:33,431 --> 00:24:36,183
Because he will get
what no fence ever gets,
339
00:24:36,309 --> 00:24:38,219
title to the jewels.
340
00:24:38,354 --> 00:24:41,059
You see,
in addition to stealing the jewels,
341
00:24:41,190 --> 00:24:45,937
you have also to take the receipts
l got for them.
342
00:24:46,864 --> 00:24:49,735
Now, what does
my insurance company discover
343
00:24:49,867 --> 00:24:54,826
as it swings ponderously into action,
antennae pulsing with suspicion?
344
00:24:54,957 --> 00:24:58,208
lt discovers that someone
impersonating Andrew Wyke
345
00:24:58,336 --> 00:25:05,550
sold the jewels for £1 70,000 cash,
but they still have to pay me.
346
00:25:06,387 --> 00:25:08,096
Hard cheese!
347
00:25:08,974 --> 00:25:11,263
Think it over. Take your time.
348
00:25:25,368 --> 00:25:30,909
Look, l know this sounds stupid,
but have you had any experience?
349
00:25:31,042 --> 00:25:35,539
l mean, have you ever
actually committed a crime before?
350
00:25:36,465 --> 00:25:39,170
St John Lord Merridew
would have a pretty lean time of it
351
00:25:39,302 --> 00:25:41,591
if l didn't think up any crimes
for him to solve.
352
00:25:41,721 --> 00:25:43,346
St John Lord who?
353
00:25:46,060 --> 00:25:48,433
-You're joking.
-What about?
354
00:25:49,648 --> 00:25:51,937
Who is St John Lord Merridew?
355
00:25:52,067 --> 00:25:53,941
Why, even Marguerite,
when l first met her,
356
00:25:54,070 --> 00:25:55,730
knew and adored him.
357
00:25:55,863 --> 00:25:59,909
He's my detective, known to millions
throughout the civilised world.
358
00:26:00,035 --> 00:26:04,497
With a nose for smelling out evil
superior to anything on the force.
359
00:26:04,624 --> 00:26:06,118
Oh, yes.
360
00:26:06,251 --> 00:26:10,119
The police are always stupid in
the kind of books you write, aren't they?
361
00:26:10,256 --> 00:26:11,798
They never solve anything.
362
00:26:11,924 --> 00:26:15,709
lt's always the amateur sleuth
who knows what's going on.
363
00:26:15,846 --> 00:26:20,390
But that's detective fiction.
This is fact, this is real.
364
00:26:20,518 --> 00:26:22,760
l'm well aware of the difference,
my dear Milo,
365
00:26:22,896 --> 00:26:26,941
but l'm also aware of my own
not inconsiderable capabilities.
366
00:26:27,443 --> 00:26:29,982
Of course, if you doubt them
or don't trust me...
367
00:26:30,113 --> 00:26:32,402
l'm not sure that l do.
368
00:26:32,533 --> 00:26:35,451
That's why it's a very difficult decision
to make.
369
00:26:35,578 --> 00:26:37,322
Not at all difficult, perfectly simple.
370
00:26:37,455 --> 00:26:40,029
You have an expensive woman
and no money.
371
00:26:40,167 --> 00:26:42,041
Yeah, but why don't you
steal the bloody jewels
372
00:26:42,169 --> 00:26:43,580
and simply hand them over to me?
373
00:26:43,713 --> 00:26:47,581
l should have thought that was obvious.
The burglary has to look real.
374
00:26:47,717 --> 00:26:50,043
This house has actually
to be broken into.
375
00:26:50,179 --> 00:26:52,717
Then why don't you break into it?
376
00:26:52,849 --> 00:26:55,305
lt's a question of agility for one thing,
dear boy.
377
00:26:55,435 --> 00:26:58,057
Milo, baby, hey, do me a favour.
378
00:26:58,188 --> 00:27:00,098
Let me handle this,
you know what l mean?
379
00:27:00,233 --> 00:27:05,145
Crime is my bag. l got this caper
all worked out to the last detail.
380
00:27:07,658 --> 00:27:12,072
£1 70,000.
381
00:27:13,957 --> 00:27:17,826
Cash, tax free.
382
00:27:19,339 --> 00:27:22,673
lt'd take an awful lot
of Tindolini's tonsorial teasing
383
00:27:22,801 --> 00:27:25,044
to raise that kind of money.
384
00:27:25,763 --> 00:27:28,136
All right, l'll do it.
385
00:27:28,266 --> 00:27:31,268
-Where do you want me to break in?
-Oh, no, no. Not so fast.
386
00:27:31,395 --> 00:27:35,310
-You've got to get disguised first.
-What for?
387
00:27:35,442 --> 00:27:38,645
Well, suppose somebody saw you
climbing in?
388
00:27:38,779 --> 00:27:41,068
Here? ln the middle of nowhere?
389
00:27:41,198 --> 00:27:43,357
l could hardly find this place
with a bloody map!
390
00:27:43,493 --> 00:27:45,901
You never know.
391
00:27:46,413 --> 00:27:49,699
A dallying couple,
a passing sheep rapist.
392
00:27:49,834 --> 00:27:52,242
Besides, dear boy,
don't forget the clues we've got to leave
393
00:27:52,379 --> 00:27:54,419
for the police
and the insurance company.
394
00:27:54,548 --> 00:27:57,585
We don't want your footsteps
in the flower beds,
395
00:27:57,718 --> 00:27:59,758
or your coat button
snagged on the window sill.
396
00:27:59,888 --> 00:28:02,889
No, no, no! You must be disguised!
397
00:28:03,016 --> 00:28:04,677
All right, how?
398
00:28:06,604 --> 00:28:09,356
Please to follow me, number one son.
399
00:28:13,070 --> 00:28:14,980
You know, my dear Milo,
400
00:28:15,114 --> 00:28:18,235
in the good old days, before television,
that is,
401
00:28:18,368 --> 00:28:21,489
people constructed the pleasures of life
for themselves.
402
00:28:21,622 --> 00:28:23,781
They amused each other
and were in turn amused.
403
00:28:23,916 --> 00:28:27,618
They didn't just sit and stare.
404
00:28:27,754 --> 00:28:30,211
Why, in this house
there was scarcely a weekend
405
00:28:30,341 --> 00:28:33,627
without its treasure hunts, charades,
406
00:28:33,762 --> 00:28:37,760
games of infinite variety,
make up and dress up.
407
00:28:37,892 --> 00:28:41,760
There was virtually no end
to the concealment of identity,
408
00:28:41,896 --> 00:28:43,605
but surely Marguerite has told you.
409
00:28:43,732 --> 00:28:46,188
Actually, she never mentioned it.
410
00:28:48,655 --> 00:28:50,695
lt was all some time ago.
411
00:28:51,575 --> 00:28:56,451
A few scenes from some of my books,
lovingly recreated by an artist friend.
412
00:28:56,581 --> 00:28:59,251
The necrophilic barber
of Tunbridge Wells
413
00:28:59,376 --> 00:29:03,873
and the doltish pie poisoner
from the
Simple Simon murders.
414
00:29:05,174 --> 00:29:07,796
And here's my favourite.
Now, this really is ingenious...
415
00:29:07,928 --> 00:29:11,761
Andrew, we were looking for a disguise.
416
00:29:11,891 --> 00:29:13,599
Quite so, dear boy, so we were.
417
00:29:13,726 --> 00:29:17,392
Now, here we are,
the old dressing up basket,
418
00:29:17,523 --> 00:29:21,568
our old treasure chest of make-believe.
Let's see what we've got.
419
00:29:22,028 --> 00:29:27,106
This should suit. ltem, one black face
mask, one black flat cap,
420
00:29:27,243 --> 00:29:29,948
a striped jersey
and a bag marked ''swag''.
421
00:29:30,830 --> 00:29:33,369
Why not a neon sign
with ''burglar'' on it?
422
00:29:33,584 --> 00:29:35,411
You may have a point.
423
00:29:36,379 --> 00:29:40,247
One of my favourites,
the ecclesiastical house breaker,
424
00:29:40,383 --> 00:29:42,460
Brother Lightfingers.
425
00:29:42,594 --> 00:29:45,264
Perhaps we shall never know
the identity of the cowled figure
426
00:29:45,389 --> 00:29:47,181
seen haunting the grounds
of the old Manor House
427
00:29:47,308 --> 00:29:48,554
on the night of the terrible murder.
428
00:29:48,685 --> 00:29:51,936
lf living identity had happened.
429
00:29:52,064 --> 00:29:55,019
There are those to this day
who claim to hear
430
00:29:55,151 --> 00:29:59,316
the agonised screams of the victim
431
00:29:59,448 --> 00:30:02,734
echoing through the chimney pots!
432
00:30:02,869 --> 00:30:06,404
For Christ's sake, Andrew,
stop mucking about!
433
00:30:06,540 --> 00:30:10,325
Haven't you just got
an old pair of sneakers, a raincoat
434
00:30:10,461 --> 00:30:12,289
and a sock l can pull over my head?
435
00:30:12,422 --> 00:30:17,583
Old pair of sneakers and a sock?
Milo, where's your sense of style?
436
00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:20,840
We must give our crime
the true sparkle of the '30s,
437
00:30:20,974 --> 00:30:23,845
a little amateur aristocratic quirkiness.
438
00:30:23,978 --> 00:30:26,683
Don't you feel the need
to give your old arch enemy,
439
00:30:26,814 --> 00:30:30,101
lnspector Plodder, of the Yard,
a run for his money?
440
00:30:31,904 --> 00:30:36,282
Monsieur Beaucaire. Milo, this is you.
441
00:30:36,409 --> 00:30:39,945
A full-bottomed wig, lots of beauty spots
442
00:30:42,124 --> 00:30:44,663
and all the snuff you could want.
443
00:30:47,130 --> 00:30:49,088
Groovy!
444
00:30:49,216 --> 00:30:52,800
Look,
l might even do the whole thing in drag.
445
00:30:56,433 --> 00:30:59,007
Kiss me, you fool.
446
00:31:00,063 --> 00:31:02,601
l can fight it no longer, darling.
447
00:31:03,191 --> 00:31:07,107
lf you must go, don't look back,
Andrew...
448
00:31:08,406 --> 00:31:10,364
Jesus Christ! Who's that?
449
00:31:10,492 --> 00:31:13,493
So that's where you've been,
Auntie Borden, naughty girl.
450
00:31:13,621 --> 00:31:16,622
-Shall we decide on the dress, then?
-No, l don't like it.
451
00:31:17,167 --> 00:31:19,705
Well, you are a choosy one, aren't you?
452
00:31:19,836 --> 00:31:21,876
There doesn't seem to be
a very great deal left.
453
00:31:22,006 --> 00:31:24,676
We'll just have to settle for Joey.
454
00:31:26,094 --> 00:31:30,472
Joey. Now you're talking.
455
00:31:30,599 --> 00:31:31,880
A clown!
456
00:31:32,101 --> 00:31:33,644
Can't you see it all?
457
00:31:33,770 --> 00:31:37,982
The sawdust ring, the tinsel, the glitter,
the lights!
458
00:31:38,108 --> 00:31:40,351
The elephants, the high wire,
the roar of the crowds.
459
00:31:40,486 --> 00:31:43,357
There is Milo Tindle,
the kiddies' delight!
460
00:31:43,490 --> 00:31:46,657
-Now, this is all right.
-Off with your jacket!
461
00:31:47,787 --> 00:31:49,162
That's right,
your shirt and your trousers.
462
00:31:49,289 --> 00:31:50,320
What for?
463
00:31:50,457 --> 00:31:53,375
We don't want the police to find
any fibres from this beautiful frock.
464
00:31:53,502 --> 00:31:56,172
You've no idea how clever they are
in those laboratories of theirs.
465
00:31:56,297 --> 00:31:58,005
We won't take any risks, you and l.
466
00:31:58,133 --> 00:32:01,585
That's right, down to your smalls.
Don't be shy.
467
00:32:03,848 --> 00:32:07,264
l know a well brought up boy
when l see one.
468
00:32:07,394 --> 00:32:09,387
Folds his trousers at night, huh?
469
00:32:24,915 --> 00:32:29,791
Hey, slap shoes. Do you know
l've always wanted a pair of these?
470
00:32:29,921 --> 00:32:30,952
Yes, my boy.
471
00:32:31,089 --> 00:32:33,082
My father took me to the palladium
when l was a kid.
472
00:32:33,216 --> 00:32:35,044
l might have caught on
in show business, you know?
473
00:32:35,177 --> 00:32:37,585
You never know,
a lot of my friends did.
474
00:32:37,722 --> 00:32:41,138
They got to the top. You know how?
They danced their way through.
475
00:32:44,647 --> 00:32:47,851
You know, l guess vaudeville's loss
was hairdressing's gain.
476
00:32:47,984 --> 00:32:50,736
-Talking of gain, are we ready?
-Yes!
477
00:32:50,863 --> 00:32:54,232
Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.
478
00:32:54,367 --> 00:32:56,360
The grand parade.
479
00:33:07,591 --> 00:33:09,833
Make way for Tindolini!
480
00:33:11,054 --> 00:33:15,716
The kiddies' favourite.
Crazier than Kelly, greater than Grock!
481
00:33:16,894 --> 00:33:18,851
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
482
00:33:18,980 --> 00:33:24,058
in the centre ring,
the king of the clowns, Milo Tindolini!
483
00:33:28,324 --> 00:33:32,193
-He thinks l'm funny.
-You are funny. Turn it off!
484
00:33:34,832 --> 00:33:38,166
Now then,
one glass cutter for breaking in with,
485
00:33:38,295 --> 00:33:41,047
one piece of putty
for holding on to the cut piece of glass
486
00:33:41,173 --> 00:33:42,716
so it doesn't clatter to the ground
487
00:33:42,842 --> 00:33:44,669
and awake
the ravenous Doberman Pinscher
488
00:33:44,802 --> 00:33:48,137
you suspect lurks inside
and one stethoscope.
489
00:33:48,265 --> 00:33:50,757
-Stethoscope?
-Safe breakers for the use of.
490
00:33:50,893 --> 00:33:55,058
The theory is you tried to pick the lock
of the safe by listening to the tumblers,
491
00:33:55,190 --> 00:33:57,563
you failed and had to resort to dynamite.
492
00:33:57,693 --> 00:34:00,778
-Dynamite? What for?
-Safes for the blowing open of.
493
00:34:00,905 --> 00:34:03,823
But you can leave all that to me.
Now, how about a bizarre touch?
494
00:34:03,951 --> 00:34:08,198
Perhaps a tear-drenched pom-pom
impaled upon a splinter of glass.
495
00:34:08,331 --> 00:34:10,407
Why not take a full page ad
in
The Times
496
00:34:10,542 --> 00:34:12,618
and sell tickets
for the cops to come and watch?
497
00:34:12,753 --> 00:34:13,784
Pom-poms.
498
00:34:13,921 --> 00:34:15,878
Well, l was only trying to lighten
lnspector Plodder's day
499
00:34:16,007 --> 00:34:17,038
for him, but if you don't like it...
500
00:34:17,175 --> 00:34:19,334
There is no such animal
as lnspector Plodder
501
00:34:19,469 --> 00:34:21,628
outside your detective stories.
502
00:34:21,764 --> 00:34:23,507
lt'll probably be some sharp-eyed bloke
503
00:34:23,641 --> 00:34:26,132
who knows his job
down to the last detail!
504
00:34:26,269 --> 00:34:28,309
You can bet your bottom dollar on that!
505
00:34:28,438 --> 00:34:31,642
And l can't move in this outfit!
These bloody boots are ridiculous!
506
00:34:31,776 --> 00:34:36,273
But you loved them so. Do keep them
on! Can't you see the headlines?
507
00:34:36,406 --> 00:34:40,452
''Wiltshire paralysed, police baffled,
where will Big Boots strike next?''
508
00:34:40,578 --> 00:34:43,248
Right in the arse, that's where, mine.
509
00:34:43,832 --> 00:34:48,080
All those boots will tell the police
is that a true professional
510
00:34:48,212 --> 00:34:50,786
realising that the flower beds
would carry footprints,
511
00:34:50,924 --> 00:34:53,676
decided to disguise his own.
512
00:34:53,802 --> 00:34:56,258
Now, do come along.
Now, have you got everything?
513
00:34:56,389 --> 00:34:59,224
Glass cutter, putty and...
514
00:34:59,350 --> 00:35:01,889
-Yes, yes, yes... l've got everything.
-And the stethoscope?
515
00:35:02,020 --> 00:35:08,771
Milo, you are maudlin.
You are the complete clown.
516
00:35:08,987 --> 00:35:09,983
Thank you.
517
00:35:12,283 --> 00:35:13,943
Very clever!
518
00:35:14,327 --> 00:35:17,661
Now,
come along with me and listen carefully.
519
00:35:21,919 --> 00:35:24,707
Go around the house to your left,
and cross the lawn diagonally.
520
00:35:24,839 --> 00:35:27,413
ln the far corner you'll find a shed,
in the shed you'll find a ladder.
521
00:35:27,551 --> 00:35:30,885
Bring it back here and lean it up against
the great window in the main room,
522
00:35:31,014 --> 00:35:32,592
so that you can break in
on the upper landing.
523
00:35:32,724 --> 00:35:34,100
Understanding?
524
00:35:36,228 --> 00:35:37,889
-Upper landing?
-Yeah.
525
00:35:38,022 --> 00:35:41,059
l suppose you couldn't come and hold
the ladder steady for me, could you?
526
00:35:41,192 --> 00:35:44,443
Certainly not. l don't want my footprints
in the flower beds.
527
00:35:44,572 --> 00:35:47,063
-l'm not very good at heights.
-Well, don't look down.
528
00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:50,819
Concentrate instead on thick bundles
of crisp pound notes,
529
00:35:50,954 --> 00:35:54,371
1 70,000 of them in cash, tax free.
530
00:35:54,500 --> 00:35:56,208
Good luck, Milo.
531
00:36:01,133 --> 00:36:03,210
Don't forget your gloves.
532
00:36:03,553 --> 00:36:05,296
What a way to make a living.
533
00:38:07,035 --> 00:38:08,944
Did you hear a noise, puss?
534
00:38:10,330 --> 00:38:12,904
And was that a footstep in the garden?
535
00:38:13,042 --> 00:38:17,290
No, no. l must be mistaken.
There it is again.
536
00:38:40,450 --> 00:38:41,778
What's that?
537
00:38:41,910 --> 00:38:45,825
Someone outside, prowling around
the grounds. l'm certain of it.
538
00:39:22,041 --> 00:39:25,458
Now, now, now.
We mustn't imagine things.
539
00:39:25,587 --> 00:39:28,922
Who would harm
a kindly old spinster like me?
540
00:39:29,050 --> 00:39:32,502
The front door's locked
and the windows, too.
541
00:39:32,930 --> 00:39:38,008
Hey, no one could possibly
break into our snug little home.
542
00:39:44,569 --> 00:39:47,654
For Christ's sake, Milo, they couldn't
have made more noise on D-day!
543
00:39:47,781 --> 00:39:50,486
The bloody glass came out,
my bloody boot got stuck,
544
00:39:50,617 --> 00:39:52,112
and l fell down the bloody ladder!
545
00:39:52,244 --> 00:39:55,116
Well, the bloody police must've heard it
all the way to bloody Salisbury.
546
00:39:55,248 --> 00:39:56,446
l'm sorry!
547
00:40:46,309 --> 00:40:49,015
Somehow, l thought you'd be better
than that at climbing ladders.
548
00:40:55,153 --> 00:40:58,238
-Now for the jewels.
-Not straight away.
549
00:40:58,366 --> 00:41:00,240
You're not supposed to know
where they are.
550
00:41:00,368 --> 00:41:04,497
You'll have to hunt about a bit first,
disturb a few things.
551
00:41:04,623 --> 00:41:08,574
lf you'll be good enough to follow me
Miss Rebecca...
552
00:41:19,725 --> 00:41:21,433
A turnstile to the bedrooms?
553
00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:25,179
One way or another,
one always pays to get in.
554
00:41:32,073 --> 00:41:36,285
The mistress' bedroom,
or would you know your way about?
555
00:41:36,411 --> 00:41:39,947
-The mistress or her bedroom?
-lt's irrelevant.
556
00:41:40,708 --> 00:41:44,623
Now, Milo, where to begin?
557
00:41:44,963 --> 00:41:50,207
The bottom drawer,
the trousseau drawer, the frillies!
558
00:41:50,345 --> 00:41:52,717
Take them out, vandalise them.
559
00:41:53,432 --> 00:41:57,181
Come on, Milo,
you're a burglar, not a lady's maid.
560
00:41:57,312 --> 00:41:59,850
Don't pat them, ravage them.
561
00:42:00,107 --> 00:42:01,731
Come on, Milo.
562
00:42:03,653 --> 00:42:06,903
Excellent. Now, tear that.
563
00:42:07,157 --> 00:42:08,651
That's better.
564
00:42:08,784 --> 00:42:10,741
Now, where would
m'lady hide the trophies
565
00:42:10,870 --> 00:42:13,326
of her skilled accomplishments?
566
00:42:13,456 --> 00:42:17,834
Her rubies, emeralds, diamonds,
sapphires interleaved
567
00:42:17,961 --> 00:42:21,165
among her lace-edged underclothes,
568
00:42:21,299 --> 00:42:24,384
stuffed into the false bottoms
of hat boxes,
569
00:42:24,511 --> 00:42:28,510
sewn into the hems
of always the latest, had-to-have,
570
00:42:28,641 --> 00:42:31,477
at-once-discarded Parisian dresses,
571
00:42:31,603 --> 00:42:37,144
or perhaps secretly concealed
in the back of this?
572
00:42:37,985 --> 00:42:40,904
What better safe deposit for deceit?
573
00:42:41,031 --> 00:42:44,282
How often has it reflected
the bright eyes that betray?
574
00:42:44,410 --> 00:42:49,452
The mouth that lied and kissed
and lied again!
575
00:42:49,583 --> 00:42:52,288
l thought it was me who
was supposed to be doing the ravaging?
576
00:42:52,420 --> 00:42:55,255
So it was. So it was.
Merely demonstrating, l was.
577
00:42:55,381 --> 00:42:58,217
Be a good fellow.
Stamp on that, will you?
578
00:42:59,470 --> 00:43:01,427
-Why me?
-l'm afraid if l broke it
579
00:43:01,556 --> 00:43:04,343
l'd get seven more years of Marguerite.
580
00:43:06,603 --> 00:43:08,014
Thank you.
581
00:43:14,321 --> 00:43:16,528
-Now, where's your bedroom?
-My...
582
00:43:16,657 --> 00:43:20,027
-lt's my turn to demonstrate.
-My dear Milo,
583
00:43:20,161 --> 00:43:22,867
having failed to find the jewels among
the lady's personal possessions...
584
00:43:22,998 --> 00:43:24,113
lt'd be a bit suspicious,
585
00:43:24,249 --> 00:43:26,289
a professional burglar
playing favourites.
586
00:43:26,419 --> 00:43:28,957
No, on the contrary,
an intelligent burglar
587
00:43:29,089 --> 00:43:31,414
would immediately look
for the next most likely hiding place.
588
00:43:31,550 --> 00:43:33,792
-Which is where?
-The inevitable safe.
589
00:43:33,928 --> 00:43:36,965
Just blow it open and steal what's in it.
590
00:43:37,098 --> 00:43:38,641
Come on, Milo.
591
00:43:40,144 --> 00:43:41,223
Right.
592
00:43:49,655 --> 00:43:52,859
-What kind of charge you got here?
-Enough for the job.
593
00:43:52,992 --> 00:43:56,279
l learnt about explosives for
The Diary of the Dynamited Duchess.
594
00:43:56,413 --> 00:43:59,368
Ready? Stand by for the countdown.
595
00:44:03,213 --> 00:44:04,256
Five, a four,
596
00:44:04,256 --> 00:44:05,632
Five, a four,
597
00:44:05,758 --> 00:44:06,837
a three,
598
00:44:06,968 --> 00:44:08,082
a two,
599
00:44:08,219 --> 00:44:09,548
a one,
600
00:44:09,679 --> 00:44:10,794
a blast off.
601
00:44:42,844 --> 00:44:45,170
l've got it. l've got it.
602
00:44:50,812 --> 00:44:53,767
What are you shaking it for?
lt's a jewel box, not a maraca.
603
00:44:53,899 --> 00:44:56,307
l thought it might have a secret catch.
lt's locked, you see?
604
00:44:56,444 --> 00:44:57,475
Well, smash it open.
605
00:44:57,612 --> 00:45:01,445
Jesus, you have all the killer instinct
of a 20-year-old Sealyham.
606
00:45:01,575 --> 00:45:04,493
lt's a very pretty box,
it seemed such a waste.
607
00:45:15,967 --> 00:45:20,381
-Dear God.
-Moses looks upon the Promised Land.
608
00:45:26,063 --> 00:45:27,854
They're fantastic.
609
00:45:38,953 --> 00:45:42,287
-Look at this ruby necklace.
-Never much cared for it myself.
610
00:45:42,416 --> 00:45:46,248
Always thought it made Marguerite
look like a blood sacrifice.
611
00:45:46,379 --> 00:45:51,457
l wish my old man could see these.
He never knew what it was all about.
612
00:45:51,593 --> 00:45:56,422
Sitting there, every night,
hunched over those watches of his.
613
00:45:56,558 --> 00:46:00,177
Squinting his eyesight away,
and for what?
614
00:46:01,063 --> 00:46:05,441
To give me an education at
a second-rate public school.
615
00:46:07,279 --> 00:46:09,901
l suppose he thought he had to.
616
00:46:10,032 --> 00:46:12,440
That he owed it to me
617
00:46:12,577 --> 00:46:15,578
and the brand new
Anglo-Saxon world he'd adopted.
618
00:46:18,626 --> 00:46:20,001
Silly old bugger.
619
00:46:20,128 --> 00:46:24,755
Never thought his son would be tucking
a fortune away into his pocket, eh?
620
00:46:25,426 --> 00:46:27,335
Family reminiscence,
no matter how touching,
621
00:46:27,470 --> 00:46:29,344
is something we just haven't
got time for at the moment.
622
00:46:29,472 --> 00:46:30,883
Do you mind?
623
00:46:36,689 --> 00:46:39,395
Now, this is the fun bit,
where the householder,
624
00:46:39,526 --> 00:46:42,064
wrenched from his dreams
by the sound of the explosion,
625
00:46:42,196 --> 00:46:45,150
surprises the burglar,
and in the ensuing fight,
626
00:46:45,283 --> 00:46:47,359
the house is sacked.
627
00:46:47,494 --> 00:46:50,531
Why is it necessary
for you to surprise me at all?
628
00:46:50,664 --> 00:46:52,907
Because, if l've seen
you at close quarters,
629
00:46:53,042 --> 00:46:56,494
l can always describe you
to the police, wrongly.
630
00:46:57,589 --> 00:47:00,163
''Did you get a good look
at the intruder's face, sir?''
631
00:47:00,301 --> 00:47:03,920
''Yes, lnspector, l did.
l don't know if it was a trick of the light,
632
00:47:04,056 --> 00:47:07,140
''but somehow,
his face seemed not wholly human...''
633
00:47:07,268 --> 00:47:08,976
How much sacking do you want done?
634
00:47:09,103 --> 00:47:11,429
A decent bit, l think.
A few chairs upturned,
635
00:47:11,565 --> 00:47:13,059
ornaments put to the sword,
that sort of thing.
636
00:47:13,192 --> 00:47:16,063
You know,
convincing but not Carthaginian.
637
00:47:26,291 --> 00:47:28,699
You surely don't call that convincing.
638
00:47:28,835 --> 00:47:30,294
Milo.
639
00:47:38,388 --> 00:47:42,339
Let the literature fly to the four winds,
640
00:47:42,477 --> 00:47:48,267
let the contents of drawers
be strewn like autumn leaves.
641
00:48:07,632 --> 00:48:10,005
Hey, that's my new manuscript!
642
00:48:16,393 --> 00:48:18,849
Let my secretary sort it out.
643
00:48:30,785 --> 00:48:33,157
-Enough?
-For a starter.
644
00:48:33,288 --> 00:48:38,829
Now, let's see what accident does
to artifice, seconds out of the ring.
645
00:48:38,961 --> 00:48:42,545
-What seconds? What for?
-The ensuing fight, remember?
646
00:48:45,302 --> 00:48:47,545
-Hey!
-Well, you're the underdog, aren't you?
647
00:48:47,680 --> 00:48:51,548
You got the support of the crowd,
haven't you? What more do you want?
648
00:48:53,437 --> 00:48:55,311
-You've asked for this.
-Don't let me out.
649
00:48:55,440 --> 00:48:56,899
My wife's gonna have a baby.
650
00:48:57,025 --> 00:48:58,852
Now, listen, tiger, don't get all het up.
651
00:48:58,985 --> 00:49:01,691
This fight is fixed, remember?
This is where l take a dive,
652
00:49:01,822 --> 00:49:04,230
and you knock me out cold!
653
00:49:05,285 --> 00:49:06,910
-For real?
-Naturally.
654
00:49:07,037 --> 00:49:09,872
When the police come,
l'll have to show them a real lump.
655
00:49:09,999 --> 00:49:12,122
Yes, l thought you'd like this bit.
656
00:49:12,251 --> 00:49:14,209
You're dead right.
657
00:49:14,337 --> 00:49:16,876
Now, what shall l use?
658
00:49:17,007 --> 00:49:19,629
Not my opaline, if you don't mind.
659
00:49:21,763 --> 00:49:26,141
There it is.
The original blunt instrument.
660
00:49:26,268 --> 00:49:28,142
The poker.
661
00:49:28,271 --> 00:49:30,180
-Right. Now, where do you want it?
-Now steady.
662
00:49:30,315 --> 00:49:31,430
Now, don't get carried away.
663
00:49:31,566 --> 00:49:33,773
lt's not a murder weapon you
are talking about, you know?
664
00:49:33,902 --> 00:49:34,934
-No?
-No.
665
00:49:35,071 --> 00:49:36,814
We're discussing an object
from which l receive,
666
00:49:36,948 --> 00:49:38,941
in the classic formula, a glancing blow,
667
00:49:39,075 --> 00:49:42,243
which will raise a lump
without actually cracking the cranium.
668
00:49:42,371 --> 00:49:44,447
Why don't l just
keep tapping you lightly on the head
669
00:49:44,582 --> 00:49:46,540
with the poker, until a lump comes up?
670
00:49:46,668 --> 00:49:48,127
Quite frankly, l've rather
gone off the whole thing.
671
00:49:48,253 --> 00:49:51,124
Now, l know, you can always tie me up
and gag me and leave me
672
00:49:51,257 --> 00:49:52,751
to be found by the cleaning woman.
673
00:49:52,884 --> 00:49:54,592
''Lords of mercy, Mr Wyke!
674
00:49:54,719 --> 00:49:58,800
''Whatever do we be doing there
all trussed up like a turkey cock?
675
00:50:02,896 --> 00:50:05,054
''God bless you, sir.
You're trying out something
676
00:50:05,190 --> 00:50:07,479
''for one of them creepy new books
of yours.
677
00:50:07,610 --> 00:50:10,695
''l know, now don't you mind me.
l won't disturb thee.
678
00:50:10,822 --> 00:50:13,360
''l'll just be getting on with me dusting.''
679
00:50:13,492 --> 00:50:18,700
Andrew, if l don't knock you out,
how have l tied you up?
680
00:50:18,831 --> 00:50:20,492
That's a very good question.
681
00:50:20,625 --> 00:50:23,128
Come to think of it,
you could always hold a gun on me.
682
00:50:23,337 --> 00:50:26,707
We professional burglars
don't fancy firearms much.
683
00:50:26,925 --> 00:50:28,467
We are English, after all.
684
00:50:28,677 --> 00:50:31,595
You could always conquer
your Anglo-Saxon scruples.
685
00:50:31,722 --> 00:50:35,341
Besides, it will be my own revolver,
which you had taken from me
686
00:50:35,477 --> 00:50:37,220
during the struggle.
687
00:50:37,479 --> 00:50:38,855
-ls that loaded?
-Well, of course.
688
00:50:38,981 --> 00:50:40,060
What would be the use of it, otherwise?
689
00:50:40,191 --> 00:50:43,358
And l think it ought to go off
once or twice as we tussle,
690
00:50:43,486 --> 00:50:46,357
blowing to smithereens
the usual priceless heirlooms.
691
00:50:46,573 --> 00:50:48,981
-Why?
-To lend credence to my story
692
00:50:49,118 --> 00:50:53,116
of your holding it on me,
while you gagged me and tied me up.
693
00:50:53,248 --> 00:50:55,822
-All right?
-Yeah. Yeah, l suppose so.
694
00:50:56,210 --> 00:50:58,701
Right. Now, what to sacrifice?
695
00:50:59,797 --> 00:51:02,752
What about this old codger up here?
696
00:51:02,884 --> 00:51:04,130
Put that down at once!
697
00:51:04,261 --> 00:51:05,720
That's my Edgar Allan Poe award,
698
00:51:05,846 --> 00:51:07,590
given me by the
Mystery Writers of America
699
00:51:07,724 --> 00:51:11,888
for one of Merridew's greatest triumphs,
The Slaying of Jack Sprat.
700
00:51:12,354 --> 00:51:15,190
lronically enough,
for one who would eat no fat,
701
00:51:15,316 --> 00:51:18,650
he was murdered by an injection
of concentrated cholesterol.
702
00:51:18,779 --> 00:51:19,941
Now.
703
00:51:21,282 --> 00:51:26,704
What do you say to the demolition
of that gaudy, old Swansea puzzle jug?
704
00:51:36,216 --> 00:51:37,379
Puzzle jug?
705
00:51:37,509 --> 00:51:40,713
To solve the puzzle,
pour some water out of it.
706
00:51:50,233 --> 00:51:53,235
-Very funny.
-Marguerite thought it clever.
707
00:51:53,362 --> 00:51:55,485
Which ought to tell you
something about Marguerite.
708
00:51:55,781 --> 00:51:58,238
Let us expose its shortcomings.
709
00:52:00,704 --> 00:52:03,242
Well, you might've said good shot.
710
00:52:03,499 --> 00:52:06,951
You bloody maniac!
You could've killed me!
711
00:52:07,087 --> 00:52:11,216
Tut. Not dead-eyed Wyke,
the demon gunman of Cloak Manor.
712
00:52:11,342 --> 00:52:12,884
Now, what next?
713
00:52:16,932 --> 00:52:21,393
The last tender memento
of our Venetian honeymoon.
714
00:52:22,063 --> 00:52:24,981
l will not resist the temptation.
715
00:52:25,859 --> 00:52:30,985
Shucks. Gosh darn,
if l ain't missed the dog-gone critter.
716
00:52:40,126 --> 00:52:41,585
You hit what you were aiming for,
all right.
717
00:52:41,712 --> 00:52:43,171
Now don't be peevish, Milo.
718
00:52:43,297 --> 00:52:46,002
There's nothing like a little bit
of mayhem to cheer one up.
719
00:52:46,134 --> 00:52:49,835
-Did you ever know Charlie Begby?
-You know damned well l didn't.
720
00:52:49,972 --> 00:52:53,139
He was the very finest shot
l ever did see.
721
00:52:53,267 --> 00:52:58,310
l once saw him bag six ducks
with one shot, when he was blind drunk.
722
00:52:58,440 --> 00:52:59,769
The only thing was,
they were china ducks
723
00:52:59,900 --> 00:53:01,609
in his auntie's drawing room. And l said,
724
00:53:01,736 --> 00:53:05,402
''But Charlie, you can't do that.
lt's the closed season.''
725
00:53:08,410 --> 00:53:10,403
Told you he always laughs at my jokes.
726
00:53:10,538 --> 00:53:12,448
Even the bad ones.
727
00:53:13,166 --> 00:53:16,084
True, not as funny as all that.
728
00:53:16,212 --> 00:53:20,292
There's an open season
all the year round for some creatures.
729
00:53:20,717 --> 00:53:23,635
Seducers and wife-stealers,
for example.
730
00:53:23,846 --> 00:53:25,506
Now, that's a bad ltalian joke.
731
00:53:25,640 --> 00:53:27,929
You should know,
it's your country of origin, is it not?
732
00:53:28,059 --> 00:53:32,687
No, actually, l'm English.
l was born here in England.
733
00:53:32,815 --> 00:53:35,187
Were you now? Actually?
734
00:53:35,318 --> 00:53:37,560
Born in dear old,
cradle-of-the-parliamentary-system
735
00:53:37,696 --> 00:53:41,362
who-screws-my-wife,
merits-a-large-pink-gin, England?
736
00:53:41,492 --> 00:53:44,162
Sense-of-humour,
fair-play England, l mean.
737
00:53:44,788 --> 00:53:46,745
Don't you believe it.
That's the way a foreigner talks.
738
00:53:46,873 --> 00:53:49,958
What he really thinks in private is,
''Filthy, wet country!
739
00:53:50,086 --> 00:53:52,126
''Ugly, red, cold men
740
00:53:52,255 --> 00:53:55,091
''who don't know how to treat
their pale, pink, cool women.''
741
00:53:55,217 --> 00:53:57,257
And what brought all this on, then?
742
00:54:01,391 --> 00:54:04,428
-What are you doing with that gun?
-Pretty obviously pointing it at you.
743
00:54:04,561 --> 00:54:06,471
l can see that, but why?
744
00:54:06,605 --> 00:54:09,441
Because l'm gonna kill you.
745
00:54:10,151 --> 00:54:12,228
You are gonna kill me?
746
00:54:12,362 --> 00:54:16,064
Jesus, here we go again
with another one of your games.
747
00:54:16,200 --> 00:54:18,359
Another one? No, it's the same one.
748
00:54:18,495 --> 00:54:20,369
We've been playing it all evening.
lt's called,
749
00:54:20,497 --> 00:54:24,033
''You're going to die,
and no one will suspect murder.''
750
00:54:26,880 --> 00:54:31,044
You... You mean all that
steal the jewel stuff was just...
751
00:54:31,427 --> 00:54:35,128
l invited you around here to set up
the circumstances of your own death.
752
00:54:35,265 --> 00:54:38,966
The break-in, the disguise,
jewels in your pocket,
753
00:54:39,103 --> 00:54:41,392
the house-holder aroused,
grappled with the thief,
754
00:54:41,522 --> 00:54:46,945
and gun going off during the struggle
and then the final fatal shot.
755
00:54:48,197 --> 00:54:51,401
Knock it off, Andrew, for God's sake.
756
00:54:51,535 --> 00:54:54,240
-lt ain't funny no more.
-lt ain't, ain't it?
757
00:54:54,371 --> 00:54:57,408
-Can you find a flaw in it?
-Marguerite.
758
00:54:57,542 --> 00:54:59,831
The cops'll trace a connection
between Marguerite and me.
759
00:54:59,961 --> 00:55:02,038
-What nonsense.
-They'll know that's why you did it.
760
00:55:02,172 --> 00:55:03,667
How was l expected
to know who you were?
761
00:55:03,799 --> 00:55:05,591
The law will have
every sympathy for me.
762
00:55:05,718 --> 00:55:09,384
Property's always been more highly
regarded in England than people.
763
00:55:09,514 --> 00:55:10,890
Even Marguerite will
assume that you were,
764
00:55:11,016 --> 00:55:13,342
after all, just an adventurer
after her jewels.
765
00:55:13,478 --> 00:55:15,138
A petty sneak thief,
766
00:55:15,271 --> 00:55:19,352
who, in the end, found larceny
less burdensome than matrimony.
767
00:55:19,652 --> 00:55:23,520
The way you're finding murder
less burdensome than alimony?
768
00:55:24,241 --> 00:55:26,530
Wit in the face of adversity. Good!
769
00:55:26,660 --> 00:55:28,867
You've learnt something
from the English.
770
00:55:28,996 --> 00:55:30,372
And here's something else,
a sporting chance.
771
00:55:30,498 --> 00:55:31,743
Why don't you make a run for it?
772
00:55:31,875 --> 00:55:33,915
And give you the chance to shoot
me down in cold blood?
773
00:55:34,044 --> 00:55:36,500
Hot blood, you mean.
But l'll tell you what l'll do.
774
00:55:36,630 --> 00:55:38,873
l'll close my eyes,
and count up to 20 slowly.
775
00:55:39,008 --> 00:55:41,630
That should give you a reasonable
chance. Go on, Milo, off you go.
776
00:55:41,762 --> 00:55:42,960
One.
777
00:55:44,598 --> 00:55:46,009
One,
778
00:55:47,185 --> 00:55:48,383
two,
779
00:55:48,895 --> 00:55:50,176
three,
780
00:55:50,355 --> 00:55:51,601
four,
781
00:55:52,149 --> 00:55:53,430
five,
782
00:55:53,651 --> 00:55:54,896
six,
783
00:55:55,361 --> 00:55:56,524
seven,
784
00:55:56,988 --> 00:55:58,103
eight,
785
00:55:58,240 --> 00:55:59,485
nine,
786
00:55:59,908 --> 00:56:00,988
10,
787
00:56:01,243 --> 00:56:02,489
1 1 ,
788
00:56:02,912 --> 00:56:04,075
12,
789
00:56:04,539 --> 00:56:05,820
13,
790
00:56:06,208 --> 00:56:07,453
1 4,
791
00:56:07,876 --> 00:56:09,039
15,
792
00:56:09,503 --> 00:56:10,784
16,
793
00:56:11,172 --> 00:56:12,453
1 7,
794
00:56:13,049 --> 00:56:14,248
18,
795
00:56:14,676 --> 00:56:16,171
19,
796
00:56:16,762 --> 00:56:19,717
and a 20.
797
00:56:25,856 --> 00:56:29,475
-You left them in that beautiful coat.
-Oh, my God.
798
00:56:29,611 --> 00:56:32,482
Let's have you out of that car, shall we?
799
00:56:33,073 --> 00:56:36,360
Those lovely boots
back on again, please.
800
00:56:56,977 --> 00:56:59,303
Now, of course,
the only question left to be decided,
801
00:56:59,438 --> 00:57:01,515
is where the police shall find you.
802
00:57:02,442 --> 00:57:05,894
Of course, you could be lying
sprawled over the desk in the study,
803
00:57:06,030 --> 00:57:09,031
like countless colonels,
in countless studies,
804
00:57:09,158 --> 00:57:11,994
or propped up in the log basket
like a rag doll.
805
00:57:12,120 --> 00:57:15,620
Which do you fancy, early Agatha
Christie or vintage S.S. Van Dine?
806
00:57:15,750 --> 00:57:18,324
For Christ's sake, Andrew,
you're talking of a murder!
807
00:57:18,461 --> 00:57:20,585
Of killing a real man!
Don't you understand?
808
00:57:20,714 --> 00:57:23,288
l shouldn't use a gun at all.
Perhaps best of all,
809
00:57:23,426 --> 00:57:26,213
a real 1930s murder weapon,
the mashie niblick.
810
00:57:26,429 --> 00:57:28,921
l've got one in my golf bag.
811
00:57:51,876 --> 00:57:54,831
Dear, old mashie niblick.
812
00:57:54,963 --> 00:58:00,089
l think you'll be found in the fireplace,
in a fair old mess.
813
00:58:00,220 --> 00:58:01,548
The body lay on its back.
814
00:58:01,680 --> 00:58:04,516
lts limbs, grotesquely splayed
like a broken puppet.
815
00:58:04,642 --> 00:58:09,388
The whole head had been pulped
as if by some supernatural force.
816
00:58:09,523 --> 00:58:12,524
''My God,''
breathed the lnspector, blanching.
817
00:58:12,651 --> 00:58:15,273
''Thompson, you'd better
get a tarpaulin.
818
00:58:15,405 --> 00:58:19,486
''Excuse me, sir, but was
all this violence, strictly necessary?''
819
00:58:19,618 --> 00:58:21,492
''l'm sorry, lnspector.
820
00:58:21,621 --> 00:58:24,077
''l'm afraid l lost control of myself
when l saw him
821
00:58:24,207 --> 00:58:26,877
''handling my wife's
intimate garments.''
822
00:58:27,169 --> 00:58:29,245
lt's too bloody elaborate.
l'll tell you what.
823
00:58:29,380 --> 00:58:32,002
l think the scene
the police find is simply this.
824
00:58:32,133 --> 00:58:35,717
After the fight, you flee up the stairs,
back to your ladder again.
825
00:58:35,846 --> 00:58:37,673
Go on, Milo, flee.
826
00:58:37,807 --> 00:58:39,218
Up you go.
827
00:58:40,727 --> 00:58:42,186
Up you go.
828
00:58:52,866 --> 00:58:55,025
l catch you on the landing,
829
00:58:55,161 --> 00:58:58,079
and in the renewed struggle,
l shoot you.
830
00:58:58,206 --> 00:59:03,284
Nothing succeeds like simplicity,
don't you agree, Milo?
831
00:59:03,421 --> 00:59:07,466
On the morning of his execution,
King Charles l put on two shirts.
832
00:59:08,260 --> 00:59:11,879
''lf l tremble with the cold,'' he said,
''my enemies will say it was from fear.
833
00:59:12,014 --> 00:59:15,847
''l will not expose myself
to such reproaches.''
834
00:59:15,978 --> 00:59:19,228
We must also
attempt this Anglo-Saxon dignity,
835
00:59:19,357 --> 00:59:22,940
as you mount the steps to the scaffold.
836
00:59:24,696 --> 00:59:27,568
Look,
837
00:59:27,909 --> 00:59:31,528
l can't give anything back, can l?
838
00:59:33,415 --> 00:59:36,536
l mean, if it hadn't been me,
839
00:59:36,669 --> 00:59:39,125
it would've been somebody else.
840
00:59:40,507 --> 00:59:42,417
Please.
841
00:59:43,010 --> 00:59:45,252
l'll go away.
842
00:59:45,471 --> 00:59:48,426
You won't never hear of me, no more.
843
00:59:53,272 --> 00:59:55,479
Why, Andrew?
844
00:59:55,609 --> 00:59:57,767
Why me?
845
00:59:58,696 --> 00:59:59,858
Don't snivel.
846
00:59:59,989 --> 01:00:02,741
l must know why!
847
01:00:04,077 --> 01:00:07,613
l'm amazed you have to ask.
848
01:00:07,748 --> 01:00:09,825
l hate you.
849
01:00:10,335 --> 01:00:14,001
l hate your smarmy good looks,
and your easy manner.
850
01:00:14,131 --> 01:00:17,750
l'll bet you're easy in a ski lodge,
easy on a yacht, easy on a beach.
851
01:00:17,885 --> 01:00:21,255
l knew you'd wear a gold charm
round your neck.
852
01:00:21,390 --> 01:00:25,602
And l'll bet your chest is hairy,
and in summer, matted with sun oil.
853
01:00:25,728 --> 01:00:32,183
Above all, l hate you because
you're a cowing, blue-eyed wop.
854
01:00:32,361 --> 01:00:34,354
And not one of me.
855
01:00:34,489 --> 01:00:38,902
A creeping, hairdressing
seducer of silly women.
856
01:00:39,036 --> 01:00:44,244
A jumped-up pantry boy,
who doesn't know his place!
857
01:00:44,376 --> 01:00:50,664
Did you really believe
l'd give up my wife and jewellery to you?
858
01:00:50,800 --> 01:00:54,419
That l'd make myself that ridiculous?
859
01:00:56,265 --> 01:00:58,258
Why not?
860
01:00:58,392 --> 01:01:00,718
You're not in love with her.
861
01:01:00,854 --> 01:01:04,603
Whether l love her or not, l found her.
862
01:01:04,775 --> 01:01:06,685
l've kept her.
863
01:01:06,819 --> 01:01:09,655
She represents me.
864
01:01:09,781 --> 01:01:13,910
Once, she was in love with me.
865
01:01:17,707 --> 01:01:20,744
And now, she's in love with me.
866
01:01:20,878 --> 01:01:23,452
And that's what you
can't forgive, isn't it?
867
01:01:23,589 --> 01:01:26,924
And after me, there'll be others.
868
01:01:27,052 --> 01:01:29,378
You're gonna kill them, too?
869
01:01:29,513 --> 01:01:32,384
You're mad! You're a bloody madman!
870
01:01:32,517 --> 01:01:35,518
And you are a young man,
dressed as a clown,
871
01:01:35,646 --> 01:01:39,098
about to be murdered.
872
01:01:39,233 --> 01:01:42,188
Put the mask on, Milo.
-No, no.
873
01:01:42,320 --> 01:01:47,446
-Put it on.
-No, please.
874
01:01:47,577 --> 01:01:49,617
Put it on.
875
01:01:59,591 --> 01:02:03,755
Finally, at your moment of dying,
you are yourself.
876
01:02:03,888 --> 01:02:07,471
A snivelling, dago clown.
877
01:02:07,601 --> 01:02:09,261
Farewell.
878
01:02:09,395 --> 01:02:11,471
Puncinello.
879
01:02:11,606 --> 01:02:13,895
Please!
880
01:07:28,487 --> 01:07:29,767
Good evening, sir.
881
01:07:29,905 --> 01:07:32,064
l was beginning to think
there was no one at home.
882
01:07:32,199 --> 01:07:34,691
lndeed. And who might you be?
883
01:07:34,828 --> 01:07:40,250
Detective lnspector Doppler, sir,
of the Wiltshire County Constabulary.
884
01:07:40,376 --> 01:07:44,457
l'm sorry to be calling so late,
but l need to have a few words with you
885
01:07:44,589 --> 01:07:47,163
on a very important matter.
886
01:07:47,301 --> 01:07:48,499
Better come in.
887
01:07:48,636 --> 01:07:51,044
Wiltshire County Constabulary,
you say?
888
01:07:51,181 --> 01:07:53,672
That's right, sir.
l'm normally based in Salisbury,
889
01:07:53,809 --> 01:07:59,053
but your local man here asked me
to pop over and give him a hand.
890
01:07:59,190 --> 01:08:02,642
Those were the days, sir.
Tunes you could hum.
891
01:08:02,778 --> 01:08:06,444
There's a time for humming, lnspector.
Would you care for an aquavit?
892
01:08:06,574 --> 01:08:09,576
-No thank you, sir. l've had my supper.
-Well, perhaps you'd prefer a brandy,
893
01:08:09,703 --> 01:08:11,363
or are you going to tell me
you never drink on duty?
894
01:08:11,747 --> 01:08:14,321
No, sir. l always drink on duty.
895
01:08:14,459 --> 01:08:17,875
l can't afford to on my own time.
896
01:08:18,005 --> 01:08:19,547
Caviar.
897
01:08:19,673 --> 01:08:22,081
So that's what that looks like.
898
01:08:22,301 --> 01:08:24,757
l've often wondered.
899
01:08:32,522 --> 01:08:36,223
Can't say l care for it all that much, sir.
900
01:08:37,570 --> 01:08:40,240
Tastes like fish eggs.
901
01:08:40,365 --> 01:08:41,396
Fancy.
902
01:08:41,533 --> 01:08:45,697
Now, let me take that nasty taste away
with a splendid brandy.
903
01:08:45,830 --> 01:08:48,500
Do follow me, won't you, lnspector?
904
01:08:54,882 --> 01:08:59,177
These old antiques
are very interesting, sir.
905
01:09:00,597 --> 01:09:04,678
You have quite a collection of toys.
906
01:09:04,811 --> 01:09:08,512
Autometer, lnspector. And they all work.
907
01:09:08,649 --> 01:09:12,482
l wouldn't have thought there was much
point in having them if they didn't, sir.
908
01:09:12,612 --> 01:09:17,654
And now, as the cliché has it,
what can l do for you, lnspector?
909
01:09:17,868 --> 01:09:23,243
l am investigating the disappearance
of a Mr Milo Tindle.
910
01:09:23,458 --> 01:09:25,083
Do you know him, sir?
911
01:09:25,210 --> 01:09:27,702
Vaguely.
912
01:09:29,174 --> 01:09:33,302
He walked out of his cottage
late last Friday afternoon
913
01:09:33,429 --> 01:09:35,885
and hasn't been seen since.
914
01:09:36,015 --> 01:09:38,092
Really, l'm afraid
l'm not very much interested
915
01:09:38,226 --> 01:09:41,228
in the migratory habits of hair dressers.
916
01:09:41,355 --> 01:09:43,229
So you do
know the gentleman then, sir?
917
01:09:43,357 --> 01:09:45,481
Well, l know his profession.
918
01:09:45,610 --> 01:09:49,062
l think my wife has mentioned
he had a shop in London.
919
01:09:49,198 --> 01:09:52,365
When did you last see Mr Tindle, sir?
920
01:09:52,493 --> 01:09:54,949
Some months ago.
l wouldn't remember, exactly.
921
01:09:55,080 --> 01:09:56,622
l'd have no reason to, really.
922
01:09:56,748 --> 01:10:00,533
That doesn't quite
accord with our information.
923
01:10:00,670 --> 01:10:06,543
l wonder if you could put some water
in this brandy for me please, sir?
924
01:10:06,677 --> 01:10:09,168
ln fact, two nights ago,
925
01:10:09,305 --> 01:10:12,675
he told Jack Benn,
the licensee of the White Lion,
926
01:10:12,809 --> 01:10:14,719
he was on his way up to see you.
927
01:10:14,853 --> 01:10:17,725
Barmen are notorious opponents
of exactitude, lnspector.
928
01:10:17,857 --> 01:10:20,146
Vinous gossip is their stock in trade.
929
01:10:20,277 --> 01:10:23,029
Vinous, as pertaining to wine,
l assume, sir.
930
01:10:23,155 --> 01:10:25,148
Very good.
931
01:10:36,797 --> 01:10:38,873
And l was wondering
if there was something else
932
01:10:39,008 --> 01:10:42,175
-you could correct for me, sir.
-What is that?
933
01:10:42,303 --> 01:10:43,762
The impression, gained by a man,
934
01:10:43,888 --> 01:10:47,056
who happened to be passing
your house on Friday night.
935
01:10:47,184 --> 01:10:51,432
-That shots were fired in here.
-Shots?
936
01:10:51,564 --> 01:10:53,723
Three, our man thinks.
937
01:10:53,859 --> 01:10:56,433
-A car backfiring?
-Oh, no, sir.
938
01:10:56,570 --> 01:10:59,323
l'm afraid that sort of
occurrence only comes in,
939
01:10:59,449 --> 01:11:02,320
saving your presence, sir,
detective stories.
940
01:11:02,452 --> 01:11:05,703
No, these were shots from a gun.
Our man is positive.
941
01:11:05,831 --> 01:11:06,863
l see.
942
01:11:07,000 --> 01:11:10,001
May l ask why you've taken two days
to come round and ask me
943
01:11:10,128 --> 01:11:13,580
-about all this?
-Well, sir, these things
944
01:11:13,716 --> 01:11:17,845
always take a little longer
to check out than you think.
945
01:11:18,138 --> 01:11:22,931
Your local man wanted to be sure
of his facts before calling me in
946
01:11:23,060 --> 01:11:26,228
and before troubling
a gentleman like yourself.
947
01:11:26,356 --> 01:11:30,189
-Facts? What facts?
-Well, after our informant
948
01:11:30,319 --> 01:11:35,563
had reported the incident,
we thought we'd better
949
01:11:35,701 --> 01:11:37,575
have a word with Mr Tindle
950
01:11:37,703 --> 01:11:40,705
to see if he could
throw any light on the subject.
951
01:11:40,832 --> 01:11:45,744
And could he? The way to turn that off
is to press that stop in, lnspector.
952
01:11:46,964 --> 01:11:49,004
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
953
01:11:49,259 --> 01:11:55,096
He wasn't at his cottage,
all day Saturday, nor all day today.
954
01:11:55,975 --> 01:11:59,974
We must've called there
at least half a dozen times.
955
01:12:00,105 --> 01:12:03,023
By Jove, sir.
Merridew would've been proud of you.
956
01:12:04,318 --> 01:12:06,691
Your detective, sir.
957
01:12:06,821 --> 01:12:09,989
That's praise, indeed, sir.
l'm a great fan of his lordship.
958
01:12:10,117 --> 01:12:11,446
Are you really?
959
01:12:11,577 --> 01:12:13,036
Well, you must tell me
which is your favourite.
960
01:12:13,162 --> 01:12:14,990
l, myself, have always
had a special affection
961
01:12:15,165 --> 01:12:16,540
for
The Case of the Crucified Countess.
962
01:12:16,667 --> 01:12:19,787
When we stepped inside
Mr Tindle's cottage
963
01:12:19,921 --> 01:12:23,504
to make sure
that no harm had come to him,
964
01:12:23,633 --> 01:12:26,125
we found this, sir.
965
01:12:26,262 --> 01:12:28,136
''Urgent we talk.
966
01:12:28,264 --> 01:12:32,097
''Come on Friday evening, about 6:30.
967
01:12:32,227 --> 01:12:33,472
''Wyke.''
968
01:12:33,604 --> 01:12:37,139
May l ask, is this your handwriting, sir?
969
01:12:37,275 --> 01:12:41,320
-Yes, it's mine, all right.
-So Mr Tindle was here then, sir.
970
01:12:41,446 --> 01:12:44,199
-He was.
-And was there an incident
971
01:12:44,325 --> 01:12:48,454
two nights ago, as a result of which
shots were fired?
972
01:12:48,580 --> 01:12:52,329
ln a manner of speaking.
lt was a game we were playing.
973
01:12:52,501 --> 01:12:55,752
A game, sir? What kind of game?
974
01:12:55,880 --> 01:13:01,718
-lt's called ''burglary''.
-Burglary is not a game, sir.
975
01:13:02,639 --> 01:13:04,845
lsn't it about time you told me,
976
01:13:04,975 --> 01:13:07,846
l don't know
the seriousness of my position?
977
01:13:07,978 --> 01:13:12,606
A man comes here. Shots are heard.
He has disappeared.
978
01:13:12,734 --> 01:13:15,570
Now, what would you make out of that,
if you were me, sir?
979
01:13:15,696 --> 01:13:17,238
An open and shut case,
980
01:13:17,365 --> 01:13:19,441
but things are not always
what they seem, lnspector.
981
01:13:19,576 --> 01:13:20,904
Why, in
The Mystery of the Grand Dummy,
982
01:13:21,036 --> 01:13:25,912
-your favourite, Lord Merridew...
-l am waiting for an explanation, sir.
983
01:13:27,210 --> 01:13:31,540
Well, Tindle arrived about 6:30
and left about an hour and a half later.
984
01:13:31,674 --> 01:13:35,542
-l have not seen him since.
-And nor has any one else, sir.
985
01:13:35,678 --> 01:13:40,092
But this is absurd.
You're not suggesting l killed Tindle?
986
01:13:40,225 --> 01:13:43,891
Killed Tindle, sir?
l never mentioned the word ''kill''.
987
01:13:44,022 --> 01:13:47,771
Come now, lnspector.
You can't pull that old one on me.
988
01:13:47,901 --> 01:13:52,730
''Garrotted, sir. May l ask how you knew
her ladyship had been garrotted?''
989
01:13:52,866 --> 01:13:54,609
''Surely, you told me so, lnspector.''
990
01:13:54,743 --> 01:13:58,528
''No, sir.
l never mentioned the word garrotted.''
991
01:13:58,789 --> 01:14:04,129
l am sorry you find us so comic, sir.
On the whole, what we do is necessary.
992
01:14:04,254 --> 01:14:07,172
You're just doing your job
is the overworked phrase, isn't it?
993
01:14:07,300 --> 01:14:12,093
Possibly, sir. Very possibly.
The overworked phrase that is, yeah.
994
01:14:12,222 --> 01:14:16,137
Your wife and Mr Tindle
have been associating closely
995
01:14:16,269 --> 01:14:19,105
-for some time, sir.
-l thought you'd know about that.
996
01:14:19,231 --> 01:14:22,351
You can't keep anything quiet
in a small village.
997
01:14:22,526 --> 01:14:24,318
Perfectly true, sir.
998
01:14:24,445 --> 01:14:26,771
You're not suggesting
a
crime passionnel?
999
01:14:26,907 --> 01:14:29,315
l do hope. Not with Marguerite.
Oh, God.
1000
01:14:29,451 --> 01:14:31,491
That'd be like knifing somebody
for the sake
1001
01:14:31,621 --> 01:14:34,622
of a tablespoon full of cold rice pudding.
1002
01:14:34,791 --> 01:14:38,291
l'm very partial to rice pudding, sir.
1003
01:14:38,420 --> 01:14:42,253
-l find it a great standby.
-That's perfect.
1004
01:14:42,384 --> 01:14:45,385
''All of you had either the means,
motive or opportunity,''
1005
01:14:45,512 --> 01:14:47,920
said lnspector Doppler,
as he thoughtfully digested
1006
01:14:48,057 --> 01:14:53,645
another spoonful of his favourite pud.
''But only one of you had all three.''
1007
01:14:53,772 --> 01:14:58,566
Exactly so, sir, and that person is you.
1008
01:15:01,323 --> 01:15:03,399
l suppose
l better tell you what happened.
1009
01:15:03,534 --> 01:15:04,945
That would be helpful, sir.
1010
01:15:05,078 --> 01:15:07,236
Perhaps another drink
would be helpful, too.
1011
01:15:07,372 --> 01:15:11,786
l'd love another drink, sir, but l think
you'll find that the bottle is empty.
1012
01:15:11,919 --> 01:15:14,292
Quite right, lnspector.
That, too, can be corrected.
1013
01:15:14,422 --> 01:15:16,546
Do come with me, won't you?
1014
01:15:16,675 --> 01:15:18,419
Now, as you seem to know,
1015
01:15:18,552 --> 01:15:20,841
Tindle was having an affair
with my wife.
1016
01:15:20,972 --> 01:15:22,881
Now, l belong to that rare breed of men
1017
01:15:23,016 --> 01:15:25,223
who genuinely don't mind
losing gracefully
1018
01:15:25,352 --> 01:15:27,725
to a gentleman who plays the game
by the same rules.
1019
01:15:27,855 --> 01:15:31,688
But to be worsted by a flash,
crypto-ltalian lover boy,
1020
01:15:31,818 --> 01:15:36,814
who mistakes my indifference
for inadequacy is altogether too much!
1021
01:15:37,033 --> 01:15:40,237
You mean you couldn't bring yourself
to accept the situation, sir?
1022
01:15:40,370 --> 01:15:41,401
ls that what you're saying?
1023
01:15:41,538 --> 01:15:45,952
l mean, it was a situation l refused
to accept, lnspector.
1024
01:15:49,313 --> 01:15:53,181
Playing the game is very
important to you, is it, sir?
1025
01:15:53,318 --> 01:15:56,319
Playing the game
and games playing, yes, lnspector.
1026
01:15:56,572 --> 01:15:58,565
l'm not quite sure
l see the difference, sir.
1027
01:15:58,699 --> 01:16:01,025
lt's perfectly simple, lnspector.
1028
01:16:01,161 --> 01:16:03,783
Playing the game
is what every gentleman does.
1029
01:16:03,914 --> 01:16:07,118
Playing of particular games
is my special passion.
1030
01:16:07,251 --> 01:16:11,250
ln a way, my whole life.
1031
01:16:17,096 --> 01:16:19,670
That sounds a bit sad to me, sir.
1032
01:16:19,808 --> 01:16:21,219
Like a child not growing up.
1033
01:16:21,352 --> 01:16:24,602
What's so sad
about a child playing, lnspector?
1034
01:16:25,023 --> 01:16:28,227
Nothing, sir, if you're a child.
1035
01:16:29,695 --> 01:16:30,893
Let me tell you, lnspector,
1036
01:16:31,030 --> 01:16:34,482
l have played games of such complexity
that Jung and Einstein
1037
01:16:34,618 --> 01:16:37,904
would've been proud to have been
asked to participate in them.
1038
01:16:38,038 --> 01:16:42,119
l have achieved flights of the mind
and flights of the psyche
1039
01:16:42,252 --> 01:16:44,826
unknown in ordinary
human relationships.
1040
01:16:44,963 --> 01:16:50,504
And l've had a very great deal
of not altogether innocent fun.
1041
01:16:55,393 --> 01:16:58,180
ls there nothing
you would not consider a game, sir?
1042
01:16:58,313 --> 01:17:00,935
Duty, work, even marriage?
1043
01:17:01,191 --> 01:17:03,647
Please, lnspector.
Don't include marriage.
1044
01:17:03,778 --> 01:17:08,487
Sex! Sex is the game.
Marriage, the penalty.
1045
01:17:09,785 --> 01:17:13,368
Round and round,
we jog towards each futile anniversary.
1046
01:17:13,498 --> 01:17:16,748
Pass go. Collect two hundred rows,
1047
01:17:16,877 --> 01:17:20,127
two hundred silences,
two hundred scars.
1048
01:17:20,256 --> 01:17:21,667
ln the deep places.
1049
01:17:21,799 --> 01:17:25,964
Are you saying, sir, that because
of your indifference to your wife,
1050
01:17:26,096 --> 01:17:28,848
you had no motive
for murdering Mr Tindle?
1051
01:17:28,975 --> 01:17:31,727
l'm simply saying, lnspector,
that in common with most men,
1052
01:17:31,853 --> 01:17:35,139
l want to have my cookie and ignore it.
1053
01:17:35,399 --> 01:17:37,855
That was rather witty, l thought.
1054
01:17:39,195 --> 01:17:41,354
And what have we here, sir?
1055
01:17:41,698 --> 01:17:44,154
lt's just an old dressing up basket.
That's all.
1056
01:17:44,326 --> 01:17:49,914
A traditional place of concealment,
l'm sure you'll agree.
1057
01:17:50,626 --> 01:17:53,461
Only of the identity, lnspector.
1058
01:17:54,964 --> 01:17:57,123
ln a game.
1059
01:17:57,259 --> 01:17:58,967
Shall we go?
1060
01:18:01,722 --> 01:18:04,296
-Shall we go?
-Yes, sir.
1061
01:18:04,434 --> 01:18:06,012
Coming.
1062
01:18:10,942 --> 01:18:14,608
Anyway, l thought l'd teach
young master Tindle a lesson
1063
01:18:14,738 --> 01:18:17,490
for his presumption.
Test his mettle, as it were.
1064
01:18:17,616 --> 01:18:19,859
You may not agree with this, lnspector,
but you take it from me.
1065
01:18:19,994 --> 01:18:22,830
The shortest way to a man's heart
is through humiliation.
1066
01:18:22,956 --> 01:18:26,290
You soon find out what he's made of.
1067
01:18:26,419 --> 01:18:29,954
And how did you plan
to go about this humiliation, sir?
1068
01:18:30,090 --> 01:18:34,219
To begin with, by convincing him that
as my wife has expensive tastes,
1069
01:18:34,345 --> 01:18:35,970
and he was virtually a pauper,
1070
01:18:36,097 --> 01:18:40,843
he could solve that problem
by stealing some valuable jewellery,
1071
01:18:40,978 --> 01:18:43,849
which l had in my safe.
1072
01:18:47,569 --> 01:18:51,484
l further persuaded him to take off
his clothes and wear a disguise.
1073
01:18:51,616 --> 01:18:53,241
Appropriately enough, he chose,
1074
01:18:53,368 --> 01:18:55,906
out of that basket you examined,
the costume of a clown.
1075
01:18:56,038 --> 01:19:00,866
ln that ludicrous outfit, he broke
into the house and blew open my safe.
1076
01:19:02,671 --> 01:19:05,423
The jewels were in this box.
1077
01:19:10,931 --> 01:19:13,422
Good thinking, lnspector.
1078
01:19:18,481 --> 01:19:21,020
-Bravo.
-And where are they now, sir?
1079
01:19:21,151 --> 01:19:23,275
l put them in the bank, yesterday.
1080
01:19:23,404 --> 01:19:25,777
-On a Saturday?
-Yes, lnspector, on a Saturday.
1081
01:19:25,907 --> 01:19:28,398
l drove over to Salisbury
and l put them in the night safe.
1082
01:19:28,535 --> 01:19:30,777
How very provident, sir.
1083
01:19:30,913 --> 01:19:34,283
May l ask what you did
after he blew the safe open?
1084
01:19:34,417 --> 01:19:36,125
Tindle pocketed the jewels.
1085
01:19:36,253 --> 01:19:39,207
We struggled convincingly
around the house as part of the game,
1086
01:19:39,340 --> 01:19:42,626
and he was about to make off,
when l turned nasty and revealed
1087
01:19:42,761 --> 01:19:44,385
the true purpose of the evening.
1088
01:19:44,513 --> 01:19:46,553
This was, of course,
that l had manoeuvred him
1089
01:19:46,682 --> 01:19:49,767
into a position where, by pretending
to mistake him for a burglar,
1090
01:19:49,894 --> 01:19:53,145
l could legitimately shoot him.
1091
01:19:53,273 --> 01:19:57,770
When you revealed your intentions, sir,
1092
01:19:57,904 --> 01:20:00,111
what was Mr Tindle's reaction?
1093
01:20:00,240 --> 01:20:01,485
Electrifying!
1094
01:20:01,617 --> 01:20:03,526
He swallowed my story,
hook, line and sinker.
1095
01:20:03,661 --> 01:20:06,117
He fell to his knees
and pleaded for his life,
1096
01:20:06,247 --> 01:20:09,332
but l was implacable.
l put the gun against his head
1097
01:20:09,459 --> 01:20:12,081
and shot him
1098
01:20:12,296 --> 01:20:15,048
with a blank cartridge.
1099
01:20:18,303 --> 01:20:21,755
You shot Mr Tindle
with a blank cartridge, sir?
1100
01:20:21,891 --> 01:20:23,801
Fainted, dead away.
1101
01:20:23,935 --> 01:20:25,809
So my game was over.
1102
01:20:26,021 --> 01:20:28,892
lt was a most gratifying one.
1103
01:20:29,108 --> 01:20:34,483
You actually put a gun to his head
and pulled the trigger
1104
01:20:34,615 --> 01:20:36,987
as a game?
1105
01:20:37,201 --> 01:20:40,286
Call it his initiation test, if you like.
1106
01:20:40,497 --> 01:20:42,739
He came here aping the gentry,
1107
01:20:42,874 --> 01:20:44,784
hoping for acceptance,
but he had to be taught.
1108
01:20:44,919 --> 01:20:48,253
You don't join just like that.
1109
01:20:48,381 --> 01:20:53,543
There's such a thing as breeding!
The quality that breeding brings.
1110
01:20:53,679 --> 01:20:55,838
lt cannot be acquired.
1111
01:20:55,974 --> 01:20:58,050
Of course, he failed his test abysmally.
1112
01:20:58,185 --> 01:21:00,391
He may well have done, sir,
1113
01:21:00,521 --> 01:21:04,602
but he also must have been put
in fear of his life.
1114
01:21:05,902 --> 01:21:10,232
Such irresponsible action
warrants a serious charge of assault.
1115
01:21:10,908 --> 01:21:13,234
l suppose that's marginally better
than the charge of murder
1116
01:21:13,370 --> 01:21:15,659
you were contemplating
a few minutes ago.
1117
01:21:15,831 --> 01:21:17,456
l still am contemplating it, sir.
1118
01:21:17,583 --> 01:21:19,742
Come now, lnspector,
l told you what happened.
1119
01:21:19,877 --> 01:21:21,538
After a few minutes,
he came to his senses,
1120
01:21:21,671 --> 01:21:23,997
realised shrewdly
that he wasn't dead after all,
1121
01:21:24,132 --> 01:21:27,917
and after only a few too many brandies,
lurched off home.
1122
01:21:28,137 --> 01:21:31,803
l'm sorry you appear
to find this all quite so funny, Mr Wyke.
1123
01:21:33,143 --> 01:21:36,145
We may not take
quite the same attitude.
1124
01:21:37,148 --> 01:21:38,975
Now, look here.
1125
01:21:40,319 --> 01:21:42,228
Why can't you see this
from my point of view?
1126
01:21:42,363 --> 01:21:45,732
ln a sense, Tindle was a burglar.
He was stealing my wife, wasn't he?
1127
01:21:45,867 --> 01:21:48,358
Which justified your torturing
and then murdering him, sir?
1128
01:21:48,495 --> 01:21:50,784
Of course not. Don't you see?
lt was a game.
1129
01:21:50,915 --> 01:21:53,750
-Just a bloody game.
-Bloody indeed, sir.
1130
01:21:53,877 --> 01:21:56,415
l achieved what l set out to do,
and that was all.
1131
01:21:56,546 --> 01:21:57,875
You may well
have achieved murder, sir.
1132
01:21:58,007 --> 01:21:59,798
-No.
-l believe so, sir.
1133
01:22:00,009 --> 01:22:02,679
No, l told you everything that happened.
1134
01:22:02,804 --> 01:22:04,678
Would you mind
if l had a look around, sir?
1135
01:22:04,806 --> 01:22:06,799
Crawl about on all fours, if you like.
1136
01:22:06,934 --> 01:22:09,508
Get out your envelope
and imprison hairs.
1137
01:22:09,646 --> 01:22:12,896
Gather ye blunt instruments
while ye may.
1138
01:22:18,656 --> 01:22:23,070
Now, l ask myself,
if l wanted to conceal Tindle's body,
1139
01:22:23,204 --> 01:22:26,407
where would l put it?
1140
01:22:26,541 --> 01:22:30,871
ln my good friend,
Jolly Jack Tar the Sailor.
1141
01:22:50,319 --> 01:22:52,989
Very amusing, sir.
1142
01:22:53,114 --> 01:22:54,906
May l ask how you did that?
1143
01:22:55,033 --> 01:22:57,869
No.
Jolly Jack and l have our little secret.
1144
01:22:58,079 --> 01:23:02,540
Then may l ask
how you made those holes in the wall?
1145
01:23:02,668 --> 01:23:04,577
That one over there.
1146
01:23:04,712 --> 01:23:07,084
And this one over here.
1147
01:23:09,342 --> 01:23:13,423
-They look like bullet holes to me, sir.
-Quite right, lnspector.
1148
01:23:13,556 --> 01:23:14,671
So they are.
1149
01:23:14,807 --> 01:23:18,806
l understood you, sir,
say that you used a blank.
1150
01:23:19,062 --> 01:23:23,013
Two live bullets to set up the trick
and one blank to complete it.
1151
01:23:23,151 --> 01:23:25,144
l had to persuade Tindle
l was in earnest.
1152
01:23:25,320 --> 01:23:26,779
l see, sir.
1153
01:23:26,947 --> 01:23:28,358
One blank.
1154
01:23:28,532 --> 01:23:30,192
Then would you
just show me please, sir,
1155
01:23:30,326 --> 01:23:33,244
where Mr Tindle was
when you killed him?
1156
01:23:34,706 --> 01:23:37,992
-Pretended to kill him, you mean.
-Quite so.
1157
01:23:38,210 --> 01:23:42,161
Then would you show me exactly
where he was when the bullet hit him?
1158
01:23:42,299 --> 01:23:44,843
l keep telling you,
it was not a real bullet.
1159
01:23:44,843 --> 01:23:45,757
l keep telling you,
it was not a real bullet.
1160
01:23:45,970 --> 01:23:48,675
So you do, sir. So you do.
1161
01:23:48,932 --> 01:23:54,175
Very well, then. Where was he
when the blank cartridge was fired?
1162
01:23:54,355 --> 01:23:56,893
He was standing,
or l should say kneeling,
1163
01:23:57,025 --> 01:24:00,477
or, more accurately, cowering here.
1164
01:24:06,786 --> 01:24:08,826
About here you say, sir?
1165
01:24:08,956 --> 01:24:11,115
Two steps down.
1166
01:24:13,294 --> 01:24:14,374
That's it.
1167
01:24:14,504 --> 01:24:17,256
Were you close to Mr Tindle
when you fired the gun?
1168
01:24:17,383 --> 01:24:20,835
Very. l was standing over him, in fact,
with the gun against his head.
1169
01:24:20,970 --> 01:24:23,296
You see,
it was the actual feel of the gun,
1170
01:24:23,431 --> 01:24:27,347
coupled with the noise
of the explosion that did the trick.
1171
01:24:41,161 --> 01:24:44,613
The traditional tool
of your trade, lnspector?
1172
01:25:26,507 --> 01:25:28,631
Joke blood, sir?
1173
01:25:31,847 --> 01:25:34,136
l don't think l quite follow, lnspector.
1174
01:25:34,267 --> 01:25:37,434
Here. On the banisters,
1175
01:25:37,562 --> 01:25:40,315
and underneath the carpet.
1176
01:25:45,113 --> 01:25:48,732
-lt's dry blood, sir.
-Blood?
1177
01:25:48,868 --> 01:25:50,659
Where?
1178
01:25:57,461 --> 01:25:59,787
Don't touch it.
1179
01:25:59,923 --> 01:26:02,129
That's dried blood, all right.
1180
01:26:02,259 --> 01:26:04,168
Some more, over here.
1181
01:26:04,303 --> 01:26:07,008
Someone's been rubbing the carpet,
you see that?
1182
01:26:07,140 --> 01:26:08,468
Deep in the pile.
1183
01:26:09,142 --> 01:26:11,100
That's blood, sir.
1184
01:26:13,522 --> 01:26:15,515
lt's still damp.
1185
01:26:16,776 --> 01:26:19,861
Will you explain to me
how that got there?
1186
01:26:19,988 --> 01:26:22,028
l have no idea.
1187
01:26:22,158 --> 01:26:25,693
Tindle wasn't wounded
or hurt in any way.
1188
01:26:25,829 --> 01:26:27,905
You must believe me.
1189
01:26:29,792 --> 01:26:34,170
With real bullets and real blood?
1190
01:26:34,297 --> 01:26:39,007
lsn't it about time
we stopped talking about games, sir?
1191
01:26:39,136 --> 01:26:41,260
Look! Look at the window.
1192
01:26:41,389 --> 01:26:45,055
There, you can see the pane of glass
he cut out in order to break in.
1193
01:26:45,185 --> 01:26:48,187
And down there, the imprint
of the ladder in the flower bed
1194
01:26:48,314 --> 01:26:52,147
and the size 28 boots, or whatever
the hell it was he was wearing.
1195
01:26:52,277 --> 01:26:53,475
Look, l can show you.
1196
01:26:53,612 --> 01:26:56,448
Over the years my eyes
have been adequately trained
1197
01:26:56,574 --> 01:26:59,066
-to see things for themselves, sir.
-l'm sure they have, lnspector.
1198
01:26:59,202 --> 01:27:03,035
l'm just trying to point out a few facts
to substantiate my story.
1199
01:27:03,165 --> 01:27:06,749
Like the blown safe
l showed you in the study
1200
01:27:06,878 --> 01:27:10,164
and like the dressing up basket
you found in the cellar.
1201
01:27:10,299 --> 01:27:14,962
You say that Mr Tindle
disguised himself as a clown.
1202
01:27:15,096 --> 01:27:18,798
l saw no such costume in that basket,
1203
01:27:18,934 --> 01:27:22,518
nor have you pointed out
that mound of earth in the garden,
1204
01:27:22,647 --> 01:27:26,183
-have you, sir?
-Mound of earth?
1205
01:27:28,487 --> 01:27:30,611
What mound of earth?
1206
01:27:30,740 --> 01:27:33,861
That one over by the far wall.
1207
01:27:33,994 --> 01:27:36,283
ln the shade of that cedar tree.
1208
01:27:36,414 --> 01:27:40,578
-l can't see anything.
-Well, it's there, all right.
1209
01:27:40,710 --> 01:27:44,329
l saw it before l rang your bell.
1210
01:27:44,465 --> 01:27:47,716
l think we'd better go
and have a look at it.
1211
01:27:59,608 --> 01:28:01,601
Together, sir.
1212
01:28:22,719 --> 01:28:24,000
Here we are, sir.
1213
01:28:24,138 --> 01:28:28,884
Now, would you say
that had been freshly dug, sir?
1214
01:28:29,019 --> 01:28:30,050
How do l know?
1215
01:28:30,187 --> 01:28:32,559
lt's probably something
the gardener's been doing. Ask him.
1216
01:28:32,690 --> 01:28:34,564
You'll find him somewhere,
maundering about,
1217
01:28:34,692 --> 01:28:37,859
aching for an opportunity
to slander his employer. They all do.
1218
01:28:37,988 --> 01:28:40,658
For my part, l've always found
1219
01:28:40,783 --> 01:28:43,535
that gardeners make
excellent witnesses.
1220
01:28:43,661 --> 01:28:46,995
They're slow,
they're methodical, and they're positive.
1221
01:28:47,124 --> 01:28:50,209
lnspector, l've had just
about enough of this farce.
1222
01:28:50,336 --> 01:28:54,631
Do you really think l'd be fool enough
to bury Tindle out here, in the garden,
1223
01:28:54,758 --> 01:28:57,878
leaving all that newly turned earth
for everyone to find?
1224
01:28:58,012 --> 01:29:00,468
lf you weren't expecting us, sir, yes.
1225
01:29:00,598 --> 01:29:01,927
ln a couple of weeks,
1226
01:29:02,058 --> 01:29:05,013
with a little grass seed, or a few bulbs,
1227
01:29:05,145 --> 01:29:08,729
it'd be very difficult
to tell it had ever been disturbed.
1228
01:29:08,858 --> 01:29:12,310
We in the police force
know just how fond murderers are
1229
01:29:12,446 --> 01:29:14,355
of their back gardens, sir.
1230
01:29:14,490 --> 01:29:16,732
One's as near a murderer's heart
in the garden
1231
01:29:16,868 --> 01:29:19,490
as anywhere else on earth, lnspector?
1232
01:29:19,621 --> 01:29:21,365
Excepting the bedroom, sir.
1233
01:29:21,498 --> 01:29:24,915
l think you'll find that's still the favourite.
1234
01:29:48,948 --> 01:29:52,282
There's no mistaking
whose room this is, sir?
1235
01:29:58,918 --> 01:30:00,995
My wife showers.
1236
01:30:01,129 --> 01:30:02,873
l bathe.
1237
01:30:35,129 --> 01:30:39,293
Clothing all screwed up
on the floor of the wardrobe.
1238
01:30:39,425 --> 01:30:41,715
That's not like you, sir.
1239
01:30:43,430 --> 01:30:47,844
Here's an interesting monogram. l W.
1240
01:30:47,977 --> 01:30:50,849
Or have l got this the wrong way up?
1241
01:30:52,650 --> 01:30:55,853
M T.
1242
01:30:55,987 --> 01:30:57,861
Let me see that.
1243
01:31:02,203 --> 01:31:06,332
Made by Owen and Tancredi
of Percy Street.
1244
01:31:06,500 --> 01:31:10,284
For Mr Milo Tindle. November 12.
1245
01:31:11,130 --> 01:31:12,506
Tell me, sir.
1246
01:31:12,632 --> 01:31:16,251
When Mr Tindle lurched off,
as you put it,
1247
01:31:16,387 --> 01:31:19,258
did he lurch naked?
1248
01:31:19,390 --> 01:31:23,389
And did he subsequently lurch naked
through the streets of the village?
1249
01:31:23,520 --> 01:31:26,308
He changed back
before he left into these clothes.
1250
01:31:26,440 --> 01:31:29,311
Do you still maintain, sir, that Mr Tindle
1251
01:31:29,444 --> 01:31:32,315
changed into the clown's costume
in the cellar?
1252
01:31:32,447 --> 01:31:34,322
-Yes.
-Another part
1253
01:31:34,450 --> 01:31:37,867
of the humiliation process, l suppose.
1254
01:31:37,996 --> 01:31:41,829
Then someone must have
carried his clothing up from the cellar,
1255
01:31:41,959 --> 01:31:43,453
and placed them in this wardrobe.
1256
01:31:43,586 --> 01:31:46,042
-l did.
-Why?
1257
01:31:46,172 --> 01:31:48,296
Because l thought they'd be better off
in a wardrobe
1258
01:31:48,425 --> 01:31:51,711
than a dusty old cellar.
More convenient.
1259
01:31:51,846 --> 01:31:54,764
All screwed up on the floor
of a wardrobe? Why?
1260
01:31:54,891 --> 01:31:57,133
l didn't think it wouldn't be long before
he'd be changing back.
1261
01:31:57,269 --> 01:32:01,137
-lt's all so baffling.
-Not at all, sir.
1262
01:32:02,275 --> 01:32:05,395
You threw those clothes
on the floor of the wardrobe
1263
01:32:05,529 --> 01:32:09,480
because you knew that Mr Tindle
would not be needing them again.
1264
01:32:09,617 --> 01:32:11,906
Ever! That's right, sir, isn't it?
1265
01:32:12,037 --> 01:32:16,415
He changed back before he left
and wore them when he went away.
1266
01:32:16,542 --> 01:32:18,998
l think you started this
1267
01:32:19,129 --> 01:32:21,834
exactly as you say you did.
1268
01:32:21,965 --> 01:32:27,043
As a game, in order to play
a diabolical trick on Mr Tindle,
1269
01:32:27,180 --> 01:32:28,556
but that it went wrong.
1270
01:32:28,682 --> 01:32:32,265
Your third shot was not a blank
as you had supposed,
1271
01:32:32,395 --> 01:32:35,432
but a live bullet, that killed Mr Tindle
1272
01:32:35,565 --> 01:32:37,523
stone dead!
1273
01:32:37,651 --> 01:32:41,946
Spattering blood
on the banisters in the process.
1274
01:32:42,073 --> 01:32:45,941
Then, when you realised
what you'd done,
1275
01:32:46,078 --> 01:32:47,620
you simply panicked,
1276
01:32:47,746 --> 01:32:49,905
like a thousand murderers before you,
1277
01:32:50,041 --> 01:32:53,576
and buried the corpse in the garden.
1278
01:32:53,712 --> 01:32:55,372
lt was very silly of you
1279
01:32:55,506 --> 01:32:58,293
not to clean the blood
properly off the banisters
1280
01:32:58,426 --> 01:33:02,211
-and burn his clothes.
-l swear, Tindle left here alive!
1281
01:33:02,347 --> 01:33:04,839
At the risk of appearing facetious, sir,
1282
01:33:04,975 --> 01:33:06,968
you had better tell that to the judge.
1283
01:33:07,103 --> 01:33:09,013
Look, there's only one way
of dealing with this.
1284
01:33:09,147 --> 01:33:10,558
lf you think Tindle's out in the garden,
1285
01:33:10,691 --> 01:33:12,897
for Christ's sake,
why don't you go dig him up?
1286
01:33:13,110 --> 01:33:14,771
We don't need to find him, sir.
1287
01:33:14,904 --> 01:33:17,941
lf Mr Tindle is not beneath
that newly turned earth,
1288
01:33:18,075 --> 01:33:20,648
it would merely go to indicate
that in your panic
1289
01:33:20,786 --> 01:33:22,446
you first thought of putting him there,
1290
01:33:22,580 --> 01:33:24,869
changed your mind
and buried him somewhere else.
1291
01:33:25,000 --> 01:33:27,158
-Where?
-That's not important, sir.
1292
01:33:27,294 --> 01:33:29,002
He'll turn up, sooner or later.
1293
01:33:29,130 --> 01:33:32,250
And if he doesn't, it scarcely matters.
1294
01:33:32,383 --> 01:33:35,219
We have your note
summoning Mr Tindle here.
1295
01:33:35,345 --> 01:33:38,181
Shots were heard, bullet holes made.
1296
01:33:38,307 --> 01:33:40,715
Blood is on the banisters
and the carpet.
1297
01:33:40,852 --> 01:33:42,644
His clothes
were hidden in your wardrobe,
1298
01:33:42,771 --> 01:33:45,689
and he had disappeared.
1299
01:33:45,816 --> 01:33:47,893
Who needs a body?
1300
01:33:49,070 --> 01:33:50,446
Sir.
1301
01:33:51,907 --> 01:33:53,283
Come along, then.
1302
01:33:53,409 --> 01:33:56,196
-lt's time to go, sir.
-No. l can't believe it...
1303
01:33:56,329 --> 01:34:00,078
l'm afraid, sir, that l must insist.
1304
01:34:00,209 --> 01:34:01,787
There is a police car
at the end of the driveway.
1305
01:34:01,919 --> 01:34:04,541
l don't care if there's
a fleet of police cars,
1306
01:34:04,672 --> 01:34:06,961
l'm not bloody well going!
1307
01:34:20,024 --> 01:34:22,101
Now, let's have no...
1308
01:34:22,235 --> 01:34:25,023
-Please, don't make it difficult.
-Christ, you're hurting my arm!
1309
01:34:25,155 --> 01:34:28,441
Really, you give me no alternative, sir.
lf you'll just cooperate.
1310
01:34:28,576 --> 01:34:30,699
Let me get my lawyer. lt's my right!
1311
01:34:30,829 --> 01:34:33,154
We can make a call
from the police station.
1312
01:34:33,290 --> 01:34:36,956
We wouldn't want
to do anything unconstitutional.
1313
01:34:37,086 --> 01:34:40,171
Come now, sir. Don't despair.
1314
01:34:40,298 --> 01:34:43,715
You may get off
with as little as seven years.
1315
01:34:43,844 --> 01:34:45,505
Seven years!
1316
01:34:45,638 --> 01:34:49,886
Seven years to regret
the playing of silly games
1317
01:34:50,018 --> 01:34:52,688
-that go wrong.
-Spare me the sermon if you don't mind!
1318
01:34:52,814 --> 01:34:55,352
lt didn't go wrong,
it all went bloody well right.
1319
01:34:55,483 --> 01:34:57,358
You think so, do you, sir?
1320
01:34:59,238 --> 01:35:02,524
We real life policemen are not as stupid
1321
01:35:02,659 --> 01:35:07,452
as we are sometimes portrayed
by writers like yourself.
1322
01:35:07,581 --> 01:35:09,658
We may not have our monocles,
1323
01:35:09,792 --> 01:35:15,499
or our orchid houses, our deer stalkers
or our shovel hats,
1324
01:35:15,716 --> 01:35:20,130
but we are reasonably effective,
for all that, sir.
1325
01:35:20,263 --> 01:35:23,847
You seem to know a hell of a lot
about detective stories, lnspector.
1326
01:35:23,976 --> 01:35:27,975
Yes, l have read quite a few
in my time, sir.
1327
01:35:28,315 --> 01:35:34,069
And in recent years, l have come
to believe that the detective story
1328
01:35:34,197 --> 01:35:37,234
is the normal recreation
of noble minds, sir.
1329
01:35:37,367 --> 01:35:40,285
Who or what the hell are you?
1330
01:35:45,669 --> 01:35:50,628
Detective lnspector Doppler, sir.
1331
01:35:53,595 --> 01:35:57,463
lt is spelt like
"doppel",
1332
01:35:57,600 --> 01:36:03,307
which, as l'm sure you know,
means ''double'',
1333
01:36:04,942 --> 01:36:06,353
in German.
1334
01:36:07,987 --> 01:36:13,279
And for those whose minds
run to these things,
1335
01:36:15,121 --> 01:36:18,787
it is virtually an anagram
1336
01:36:19,626 --> 01:36:21,085
of the word
1337
01:36:21,629 --> 01:36:22,957
''plodder''.
1338
01:36:24,883 --> 01:36:27,255
So
1339
01:36:27,386 --> 01:36:29,924
lnspector Plodder
1340
01:36:30,973 --> 01:36:32,682
becomes
1341
01:36:32,809 --> 01:36:35,644
lnspector Doppler,
1342
01:36:38,649 --> 01:36:41,686
if you see what l mean,
1343
01:36:46,492 --> 01:36:47,523
sir.
1344
01:36:52,916 --> 01:36:54,292
Milo!
1345
01:36:55,211 --> 01:36:56,586
The same.
1346
01:36:57,547 --> 01:36:59,291
You shit.
1347
01:37:05,223 --> 01:37:10,563
You all-time, knock-down,
champion bastard, Milo.
1348
01:37:11,522 --> 01:37:13,147
You're too kind.
1349
01:37:21,576 --> 01:37:25,111
l'm not saying it wasn't well done,
it was extremely.
1350
01:37:25,247 --> 01:37:28,830
Yes, well, the thing was brilliant.
1351
01:37:29,001 --> 01:37:32,453
lncidentally, you forgot
to take out your left eye.
1352
01:37:36,677 --> 01:37:38,670
Now he knows l'm funny.
1353
01:37:39,013 --> 01:37:41,006
Do have a drink, Milo.
1354
01:37:41,683 --> 01:37:43,344
l'm sorry. Do help yourself.
1355
01:37:43,477 --> 01:37:46,681
l'll have a wash first.
l'm covered in makeup and spirit gum.
1356
01:37:46,814 --> 01:37:50,979
-Of course, use the kitchen.
-No, l prefer the master bathroom.
1357
01:38:01,249 --> 01:38:03,740
Your very good health, sir.
1358
01:38:24,068 --> 01:38:28,113
l must say,
l must congratulate you, Milo.
1359
01:38:28,239 --> 01:38:30,031
lt was first class.
1360
01:38:30,867 --> 01:38:34,202
You sure had me going there
for a while.
1361
01:38:34,330 --> 01:38:35,741
For a while?
1362
01:38:40,838 --> 01:38:43,673
Well, it was quite a while, l concede.
1363
01:38:43,800 --> 01:38:46,291
But l got a bit suspicious
towards the end, you know?
1364
01:38:46,428 --> 01:38:49,798
You did go on a bit, l thought.
1365
01:39:02,823 --> 01:39:05,610
What did you think of my performance?
1366
01:39:05,826 --> 01:39:10,074
The anguish of the innocent man
trapped by circumstantial evidence.
1367
01:39:10,373 --> 01:39:13,494
-lt wasn't a performance.
-Of course it was.
1368
01:39:13,627 --> 01:39:15,620
l had to be convincing.
1369
01:39:15,755 --> 01:39:17,795
Apparently l succeeded.
1370
01:39:18,383 --> 01:39:21,918
You just don't know how to lose at all,
do you, Andrew?
1371
01:39:22,388 --> 01:39:25,140
All that crap you gave old Doppler
1372
01:39:25,266 --> 01:39:27,473
about the gentry losing gracefully.
1373
01:39:27,602 --> 01:39:29,394
Jesus!
1374
01:39:29,521 --> 01:39:33,734
l told you, you did well.
lt was really good.
1375
01:39:34,027 --> 01:39:36,435
l loved your lnspector Doppler.
1376
01:39:36,571 --> 01:39:40,784
l'm glad you view the trifling
masquerade in that light, sir.
1377
01:39:40,910 --> 01:39:43,366
Your makeup was damned good.
First class.
1378
01:39:43,496 --> 01:39:47,910
-You didn't do that yourself, did you?
-l am a hair dresser, don't forget.
1379
01:39:48,127 --> 01:39:51,544
l do have friends in the arts.
1380
01:39:53,759 --> 01:39:57,211
l suppose you sneaked...
Slipped in here yesterday
1381
01:39:57,346 --> 01:39:59,719
-while l was in Salisbury.
-Yes.
1382
01:39:59,849 --> 01:40:02,602
Dumped your clothes into my wardrobe
1383
01:40:02,728 --> 01:40:06,857
and sprinkled a little sacrificial
blood onto the banisters.
1384
01:40:06,983 --> 01:40:10,898
lt wasn't my blood,
l know you'll be relieved to hear.
1385
01:40:11,113 --> 01:40:13,402
l got it from a pig's liver.
1386
01:40:13,825 --> 01:40:16,862
Thought you could've used
almost any dago wine.
1387
01:40:16,995 --> 01:40:18,538
l'll have that drink now.
1388
01:40:18,664 --> 01:40:20,324
-Of course.
-Gin and tonic, l think.
1389
01:40:20,458 --> 01:40:23,495
Well, you richly deserve it,
my dear fellow. Come along.
1390
01:40:27,007 --> 01:40:32,169
You know, l haven't congratulated you
yet on your game.
1391
01:40:33,390 --> 01:40:36,641
-lt was jolly good.
-You really think so? Good.
1392
01:40:36,769 --> 01:40:39,058
Must say l was rather
delighted with it myself.
1393
01:40:39,188 --> 01:40:40,564
l say,
1394
01:40:40,690 --> 01:40:44,736
did you really think
your last moment on earth had come?
1395
01:40:45,071 --> 01:40:46,233
Yes.
1396
01:40:46,739 --> 01:40:48,863
You're not cross, are you?
1397
01:40:50,243 --> 01:40:51,406
Cross?
1398
01:40:51,578 --> 01:40:53,406
l don't understand.
1399
01:40:53,539 --> 01:40:55,497
That's one of your words.
1400
01:40:55,750 --> 01:40:59,583
Look, as l explained to you
when you were playing Doppler,
1401
01:40:59,713 --> 01:41:03,379
l had to test your mettle to see if,
as l suspected,
1402
01:41:03,509 --> 01:41:06,083
you really were my sort of person.
1403
01:41:06,972 --> 01:41:10,009
-The games playing sort of person?
-Exactly.
1404
01:41:11,060 --> 01:41:14,097
-And am l?
-There's no question about it.
1405
01:41:14,564 --> 01:41:18,230
Compare your experience
this weekend, my dear Milo,
1406
01:41:18,361 --> 01:41:20,235
with any other moments in your life.
1407
01:41:20,363 --> 01:41:22,237
Now if you're honest with yourself,
you'll have to admit
1408
01:41:22,365 --> 01:41:26,364
that you lived more intensely
in my company than in anybody else's,
1409
01:41:26,495 --> 01:41:28,572
not even with Marguerite.
1410
01:41:28,706 --> 01:41:32,158
Now, we know what it is to play a game,
1411
01:41:32,878 --> 01:41:34,289
you and l.
1412
01:41:34,839 --> 01:41:36,417
That's so rare.
1413
01:41:36,883 --> 01:41:40,299
Two people brought together,
equally matched,
1414
01:41:40,804 --> 01:41:44,138
having the courage and the talents
1415
01:41:44,267 --> 01:41:47,019
to make of life a continuing charade
1416
01:41:47,145 --> 01:41:51,274
of bright fancies, happy invention.
1417
01:41:51,734 --> 01:41:54,652
To face out its emptiness
1418
01:41:55,697 --> 01:42:00,159
and its terrors by playing.
1419
01:42:00,745 --> 01:42:03,830
By just playing.
1420
01:42:05,209 --> 01:42:06,537
Haven't you forgotten
1421
01:42:06,669 --> 01:42:09,789
the jumped-up pantry boy
who doesn't know his place?
1422
01:42:11,132 --> 01:42:14,217
We are from different worlds,
you and me, Andrew.
1423
01:42:14,386 --> 01:42:15,549
ln mine,
1424
01:42:15,680 --> 01:42:19,760
there was no time for bright fancies
and happy inventions.
1425
01:42:20,268 --> 01:42:22,060
No stopping for tea.
1426
01:42:23,314 --> 01:42:26,730
The only game we played
was to survive.
1427
01:42:27,402 --> 01:42:29,027
Or go to the wall.
1428
01:42:29,655 --> 01:42:32,146
lf you didn't win, you just didn't finish.
1429
01:42:32,283 --> 01:42:33,991
Loser, lose all.
1430
01:42:37,748 --> 01:42:39,622
You probably don't understand that.
1431
01:42:39,750 --> 01:42:42,954
Understand or not,
nothing you've said disproves my point.
1432
01:42:43,088 --> 01:42:44,879
Look at the way
you chose to get back at me
1433
01:42:45,006 --> 01:42:47,332
by playing lnspector Doppler.
1434
01:42:48,010 --> 01:42:49,553
Simple revenge.
1435
01:42:50,096 --> 01:42:51,923
Paying back in kind.
1436
01:42:53,934 --> 01:42:55,310
Every wop knows about that.
1437
01:42:55,436 --> 01:42:59,351
Well, is honour satisfied?
Score even? One set all?
1438
01:42:59,482 --> 01:43:00,562
Honour?
1439
01:43:03,737 --> 01:43:06,490
That's another one of your words.
1440
01:43:07,033 --> 01:43:09,359
l know
1441
01:43:09,494 --> 01:43:13,824
that you stripped me more than naked.
1442
01:43:13,958 --> 01:43:19,962
l know
that you actually terrified me to death.
1443
01:43:21,634 --> 01:43:24,754
l stood on those stairs, looking down,
1444
01:43:24,888 --> 01:43:28,673
and realising
that my coat sleeve button,
1445
01:43:28,809 --> 01:43:30,352
the banister,
1446
01:43:30,853 --> 01:43:33,855
the nail on my fourth finger
1447
01:43:34,191 --> 01:43:39,434
were absolutely the last things
l was gonna see. Ever.
1448
01:43:41,074 --> 01:43:45,452
Then, l heard the sound
1449
01:43:45,579 --> 01:43:47,288
of my own death.
1450
01:43:47,665 --> 01:43:49,954
Now, that changes you, Andrew.
1451
01:43:50,085 --> 01:43:51,544
Believe me.
1452
01:43:51,670 --> 01:43:53,829
And l still owe you for that.
1453
01:43:53,964 --> 01:43:55,708
lt'll pass, it's shock, my dear fellow.
1454
01:43:55,842 --> 01:43:58,380
-Here, let me give you another...
-l don't want
1455
01:43:58,512 --> 01:43:59,971
an even score.
1456
01:44:00,097 --> 01:44:02,220
And don't you give me any of that
''one set all'',
1457
01:44:02,350 --> 01:44:05,019
or ''The game's the thing,
it's enough to take part'' crap.
1458
01:44:07,356 --> 01:44:09,479
My father just took part,
1459
01:44:09,817 --> 01:44:11,359
and his father,
1460
01:44:11,652 --> 01:44:13,147
and his father.
1461
01:44:13,279 --> 01:44:17,064
Losers! As far back as you can go.
1462
01:44:18,327 --> 01:44:20,285
Well, it stops with me!
1463
01:44:20,747 --> 01:44:23,321
With me, the Tindles start winning!
1464
01:44:25,043 --> 01:44:27,338
And others start losing.
1465
01:44:27,338 --> 01:44:27,586
And others start losing.
1466
01:44:31,885 --> 01:44:34,044
You, for example.
1467
01:44:35,181 --> 01:44:36,212
Me?
1468
01:44:37,267 --> 01:44:39,176
-Lose what?
-A new game.
1469
01:44:39,728 --> 01:44:43,228
My kind. My rules, played my way.
1470
01:44:43,941 --> 01:44:45,436
And to start it,
1471
01:44:45,735 --> 01:44:47,728
l have killed someone.
1472
01:44:48,488 --> 01:44:50,031
You've killed someone.
1473
01:44:50,407 --> 01:44:52,650
Murdered someone. Committed murder.
1474
01:44:52,785 --> 01:44:54,529
You're not serious?
1475
01:44:55,538 --> 01:44:56,737
Deadly.
1476
01:44:57,374 --> 01:44:59,118
lt's a real game
1477
01:44:59,335 --> 01:45:01,043
and a real murder.
1478
01:45:01,671 --> 01:45:06,500
There's absolutely no point in playing
another pretend game, isn't that right?
1479
01:45:06,635 --> 01:45:10,135
-Absolutely not.
-We're past pretending now.
1480
01:45:10,974 --> 01:45:13,263
We'll leave that to the amateurs.
1481
01:45:13,393 --> 01:45:15,221
The gentlemen players, like you.
1482
01:45:15,521 --> 01:45:17,929
Look, Milo. l think perhaps another time.
1483
01:45:18,066 --> 01:45:21,934
-lt can't wait!
-All right, all right.
1484
01:45:22,070 --> 01:45:23,945
We'll play your game.
1485
01:45:24,240 --> 01:45:26,114
Now whom did you kill?
1486
01:45:27,076 --> 01:45:29,283
Whom? Whom?
1487
01:45:30,372 --> 01:45:36,625
Who, besides yourself, is the closest
to being someone you care about?
1488
01:45:36,838 --> 01:45:39,756
Would it be your girlfriend, Tea?
1489
01:45:41,218 --> 01:45:42,594
Possibly.
1490
01:45:43,555 --> 01:45:44,634
Why?
1491
01:45:45,015 --> 01:45:46,474
She's the one.
1492
01:45:49,019 --> 01:45:50,680
You killed Tea?
1493
01:45:50,980 --> 01:45:56,735
She, whose cobalt eyes were
the secret forest pools of Finlandia.
1494
01:45:57,697 --> 01:45:59,524
l closed them.
1495
01:46:01,618 --> 01:46:04,074
-You?
-Yes, l strangled her.
1496
01:46:05,122 --> 01:46:09,251
Right over there, on that rug,
l strangled her.
1497
01:46:09,544 --> 01:46:14,622
And, yes, l screwed her first.
1498
01:46:17,387 --> 01:46:19,925
You raped and strangled...
1499
01:46:20,057 --> 01:46:21,682
No, not rape.
1500
01:46:22,351 --> 01:46:24,225
She wanted it.
1501
01:46:24,354 --> 01:46:25,848
You're lying.
1502
01:46:27,858 --> 01:46:30,432
You can't take me
with a crude game like this.
1503
01:46:30,569 --> 01:46:33,405
Honestly, Milo,
l gave you credit for better sport.
1504
01:46:33,531 --> 01:46:38,159
When l was here yesterday, planting
the blood and clothes for old Doppler,
1505
01:46:38,287 --> 01:46:41,242
Tea showed up looking for you,
1506
01:46:41,374 --> 01:46:43,248
so l pitched her a little woo,
1507
01:46:43,377 --> 01:46:46,912
as you would've said in your day,
and we danced cheek-to-cheek
1508
01:46:47,048 --> 01:46:50,133
to those cornball big band oldies
of yours.
1509
01:46:50,260 --> 01:46:52,502
l mean, who but you would have them?
1510
01:46:52,721 --> 01:46:54,798
Anyway, it worked.
1511
01:46:55,349 --> 01:46:58,470
She got itchy,
and l had to scratch, didn't l?
1512
01:46:58,812 --> 01:47:01,220
And afterwards, she got sleepy.
1513
01:47:01,357 --> 01:47:05,272
And that's when l did it, old boy.
l wrung her neck.
1514
01:47:06,947 --> 01:47:09,189
She was under
that freshly dug mound of earth
1515
01:47:09,324 --> 01:47:12,990
-that old Doppler took such a fancy to.
-Was? You mean, she's not now?
1516
01:47:13,121 --> 01:47:14,580
No, l moved her.
1517
01:47:14,706 --> 01:47:17,280
Where to? The flooded gravel pit?
1518
01:47:17,417 --> 01:47:21,712
-Fu Manchu's abandoned glue factory?
-lt doesn't matter where to.
1519
01:47:21,839 --> 01:47:24,758
The police will find her in due course,
if they haven't found her already.
1520
01:47:24,885 --> 01:47:25,964
The police?
1521
01:47:26,095 --> 01:47:28,586
Yes, l phoned them about an hour ago
1522
01:47:28,723 --> 01:47:31,808
and asked them
to meet me here at 10:00.
1523
01:47:31,935 --> 01:47:34,972
They should arrive in about 15 minutes.
1524
01:47:35,773 --> 01:47:37,932
l'm sure they will, too.
1525
01:47:38,067 --> 01:47:42,944
Led, no doubt,
by intrepid, downy lnspector Doppler.
1526
01:47:43,073 --> 01:47:45,647
Nope. lt'll be a real cop, all right.
1527
01:47:45,868 --> 01:47:50,282
Detective Sergeant Tarrant,
is his name. Check it, if you like.
1528
01:47:51,584 --> 01:47:54,122
l told him a lot about you, Andrew.
1529
01:47:54,253 --> 01:47:57,706
l said l knew you to be a man
obsessed with games playing
1530
01:47:57,841 --> 01:48:00,463
and murder considered as a fine art.
1531
01:48:00,594 --> 01:48:04,130
Your life's great ambition, l said,
of which you had often spoken,
1532
01:48:04,266 --> 01:48:07,137
was to commit
an actual, real-life murder,
1533
01:48:07,269 --> 01:48:10,306
hide the body, then leave clues
linking you with the crime
1534
01:48:10,440 --> 01:48:11,982
scattered about the house.
1535
01:48:12,108 --> 01:48:14,861
Convinced that the poor,
simple-minded police
1536
01:48:14,987 --> 01:48:18,072
would never recognise them
for what they were.
1537
01:48:18,199 --> 01:48:21,450
''Please, sir, Andrew Wyke can't rest
until he's committed a real murder,
1538
01:48:21,578 --> 01:48:24,248
''which is gonna make fools
out of all you coppers.''
1539
01:48:24,373 --> 01:48:25,654
Honestly.
1540
01:48:26,042 --> 01:48:27,702
Tell that to the average desk sergeant,
1541
01:48:27,836 --> 01:48:31,834
and you'll find yourself strapped
straight into the giggle jacket.
1542
01:48:31,965 --> 01:48:33,674
Not so, in fact.
1543
01:48:33,968 --> 01:48:38,547
l told them that if they didn't believe me,
one look at your books
1544
01:48:38,682 --> 01:48:41,933
and the furnishings of your house
would confirm what l said
1545
01:48:42,061 --> 01:48:44,599
about your obsessions.
1546
01:48:51,364 --> 01:48:54,531
l also told them that two days ago
1547
01:48:54,659 --> 01:48:57,578
your girlfriend
came to my house in great distress,
1548
01:48:57,705 --> 01:49:00,991
saying that you suspected her
of having affairs with other men,
1549
01:49:01,126 --> 01:49:02,750
and threatened to kill her.
1550
01:49:02,878 --> 01:49:05,548
l bet they believed every word of that.
1551
01:49:05,673 --> 01:49:08,164
ln the end, yes, they did.
1552
01:49:11,221 --> 01:49:13,463
My dear boy.
1553
01:49:14,225 --> 01:49:16,301
l do appreciate that
in spite of your denials
1554
01:49:16,436 --> 01:49:19,010
you've been captivated
by the spirit of games playing,
1555
01:49:19,147 --> 01:49:21,520
and the need, as you see it,
to win at any cost,
1556
01:49:21,650 --> 01:49:25,649
but frankly, you are trying too hard
1557
01:49:25,780 --> 01:49:28,616
to be a big boy, too soon.
1558
01:49:38,087 --> 01:49:39,118
Hello.
1559
01:49:39,255 --> 01:49:42,173
Hello, Joyce? lt's Andrew.
1560
01:49:42,300 --> 01:49:44,507
Can... Can l speak to Tea?
1561
01:49:47,890 --> 01:49:50,346
She... What?
1562
01:49:52,521 --> 01:49:54,430
Been strangled?
1563
01:49:57,068 --> 01:49:58,610
Where was this?
1564
01:49:59,362 --> 01:50:01,569
When was it?
1565
01:50:01,824 --> 01:50:03,532
Where was she found?
1566
01:50:03,826 --> 01:50:04,941
What?
1567
01:50:06,871 --> 01:50:08,152
Joyce.
1568
01:50:08,290 --> 01:50:09,915
l can't understand what you...
1569
01:50:10,042 --> 01:50:12,580
Look, do try to control your...
1570
01:50:13,880 --> 01:50:14,995
What?
1571
01:50:16,424 --> 01:50:17,705
The police...
1572
01:50:18,594 --> 01:50:19,709
Asking...
1573
01:50:21,973 --> 01:50:23,171
Oh, my.
1574
01:50:30,441 --> 01:50:33,063
You should've believed me.
1575
01:50:33,195 --> 01:50:35,686
Now, we're gonna play the game.
1576
01:50:35,823 --> 01:50:40,236
ln a little over 13 minutes
the law will arrive.
1577
01:50:40,537 --> 01:50:42,993
lt's going to be your giant brain
1578
01:50:43,415 --> 01:50:45,704
against their plodding ones.
1579
01:50:45,835 --> 01:50:48,457
Concealed about this room
1580
01:50:48,588 --> 01:50:53,085
are four clues incriminating
you as Tea's murderer.
1581
01:50:53,844 --> 01:50:58,388
lncluding, as a final expression
of your contempt for the police,
1582
01:50:58,517 --> 01:51:00,557
the murder weapon itself.
1583
01:51:01,479 --> 01:51:03,222
Now, are you ready?
1584
01:51:05,901 --> 01:51:09,484
You can't make a game
out of real murder.
1585
01:51:09,697 --> 01:51:11,239
We'll see.
1586
01:51:11,366 --> 01:51:13,157
Now, remember,
1587
01:51:13,285 --> 01:51:14,613
four objects.
1588
01:51:14,745 --> 01:51:17,995
Those that you don't find,
be sure the police will.
1589
01:51:18,124 --> 01:51:20,794
And they're all in plain view.
1590
01:51:20,919 --> 01:51:23,541
And the first object is
1591
01:51:23,672 --> 01:51:25,582
a crystal bracelet.
1592
01:51:27,009 --> 01:51:28,753
-The... What?
-Yes.
1593
01:51:29,429 --> 01:51:33,558
-l tore it off her wrist. lt's inscribed...
-All right. All right!
1594
01:51:33,684 --> 01:51:35,761
l know how it's inscribed.
1595
01:52:14,817 --> 01:52:17,688
-Would you like some help?
-Yes. Damn you!
1596
01:52:17,904 --> 01:52:19,149
So soon?
1597
01:52:19,739 --> 01:52:21,946
Now, where's my list?
1598
01:52:22,076 --> 01:52:23,903
-Oh, God.
-Here it is.
1599
01:52:25,204 --> 01:52:27,411
''For any man with half an eye
1600
01:52:27,541 --> 01:52:30,412
''what stands before him he may spy
1601
01:52:30,544 --> 01:52:35,919
''but optics sharp it needs and keen
to see what is not to be seen.''
1602
01:52:36,051 --> 01:52:38,507
You said everything was in plain view!
1603
01:52:38,637 --> 01:52:40,879
Well, aren't l
the shifty old sly boots, then?
1604
01:52:41,015 --> 01:52:43,886
You're not giving me anything
of a chance, you bastard!
1605
01:52:44,019 --> 01:52:46,510
Now, think, think, think.
1606
01:52:46,647 --> 01:52:50,266
lt's in plain view, yet not to be seen.
An optical trick's involved.
1607
01:52:50,401 --> 01:52:54,270
An optical...
A key to see what is not to be seen
1608
01:52:55,616 --> 01:52:58,867
by the naked eye. lt's microscopic.
1609
01:52:58,995 --> 01:53:02,661
Only a fragment of it is showing.
That's it.
1610
01:53:02,791 --> 01:53:05,876
The traditional tool of your trade,
lnspector?
1611
01:53:11,051 --> 01:53:12,961
Why don't you ask yourself
1612
01:53:13,095 --> 01:53:16,964
how your man Merrydick,
would go about the search?
1613
01:53:17,100 --> 01:53:19,592
Merridew! St John Lord Merridew!
1614
01:53:19,728 --> 01:53:21,721
Calm. Keep calm.
1615
01:53:21,856 --> 01:53:23,730
Think.
What are the properties of crystal?
1616
01:53:23,858 --> 01:53:25,057
Hard,
1617
01:53:25,193 --> 01:53:26,392
brilliant,
1618
01:53:26,528 --> 01:53:28,023
transparent.
1619
01:53:29,490 --> 01:53:33,654
You look through it, but you don't see it.
That's the trick.
1620
01:53:34,329 --> 01:53:37,497
Now, the only place to conceal
a transparent thing,
1621
01:53:37,625 --> 01:53:40,876
so as to make it invisible,
and yet leave it in plain view
1622
01:53:41,004 --> 01:53:44,005
is on or in
another transparent thing like...
1623
01:53:44,133 --> 01:53:45,331
Like!
1624
01:53:54,186 --> 01:53:55,847
Clear as crystal.
1625
01:53:57,232 --> 01:54:00,150
But l don't need to destroy this, do l?
1626
01:54:00,277 --> 01:54:02,816
-She could've left it here anytime.
-True.
1627
01:54:02,947 --> 01:54:04,323
Go on. What next?
1628
01:54:04,449 --> 01:54:07,865
The next object
is much more incriminating.
1629
01:54:07,995 --> 01:54:09,703
Here's a little riddle, which l'm sure
1630
01:54:09,830 --> 01:54:12,536
one of your nannies
must have taught you.
1631
01:54:12,709 --> 01:54:15,627
Two brothers we are
Great burdens we bear
1632
01:54:15,754 --> 01:54:18,328
On which we are bitterly pressed
1633
01:54:18,466 --> 01:54:20,838
The truth is to say
We are full all the day
1634
01:54:20,969 --> 01:54:23,175
And empty when we go to rest
1635
01:54:23,305 --> 01:54:26,472
l know that. l know that.
Hold on. Just a minute.
1636
01:54:26,600 --> 01:54:30,136
Full all the day, empty when we go...
l know! lt's a pair of shoes!
1637
01:54:30,271 --> 01:54:34,056
ln this case, one lady's left black shoe,
size 6.
1638
01:54:35,945 --> 01:54:39,480
The other, l need hardly add,
is on Tea's foot.
1639
01:54:39,616 --> 01:54:41,241
God! Poor Tea.
1640
01:54:45,665 --> 01:54:47,325
Poor Tea, eh?
1641
01:54:47,459 --> 01:54:49,037
That's better.
1642
01:54:49,211 --> 01:54:51,500
Do you know that's
the first sign of sorrow you've shown
1643
01:54:51,631 --> 01:54:54,585
since you heard of her death?
1644
01:54:54,718 --> 01:54:56,212
You wouldn't put it here, anyway.
1645
01:54:56,345 --> 01:54:59,263
Or even upstairs
among Marguerite's shoes.
1646
01:54:59,390 --> 01:55:03,091
-Too obvious.
-Such grief is touching.
1647
01:55:03,228 --> 01:55:06,680
You really are the salt of the earth,
you know that, Andrew?
1648
01:55:06,815 --> 01:55:09,485
By the way,
that's a clue, if you're interested.
1649
01:55:10,403 --> 01:55:12,028
Salt of the earth? Earth?
1650
01:55:12,155 --> 01:55:14,029
lt's buried... No, you buried the other.
1651
01:55:14,158 --> 01:55:17,574
Salt, salt...
Salt and pepper. Saltpeter...
1652
01:55:17,704 --> 01:55:20,029
Salt water... Salt... Cellar!
1653
01:55:20,165 --> 01:55:21,909
lt's in the cellar!
1654
01:55:56,625 --> 01:55:59,580
You're really turned on,
aren't you, Andrew?
1655
01:56:01,131 --> 01:56:05,176
Even though the game you're playing
is for your own life.
1656
01:56:05,803 --> 01:56:08,259
You're practically having it off.
1657
01:56:08,932 --> 01:56:10,391
Shoe, shoe!
1658
01:56:10,517 --> 01:56:12,225
l ask myself,
1659
01:56:12,353 --> 01:56:15,556
''lf l was a black shoe,
where would l hide?
1660
01:56:15,690 --> 01:56:18,608
''lf l was as black as your hat.
1661
01:56:18,735 --> 01:56:21,986
''lf l was as black as the ace of spades.
1662
01:56:22,114 --> 01:56:24,820
-''lf l was as black as...''
-Coal!
1663
01:56:27,120 --> 01:56:28,948
Dirty bastard!
1664
01:56:39,844 --> 01:56:42,086
You dirty son of a bitch!
1665
01:56:46,060 --> 01:56:47,638
You're getting warmer,
1666
01:56:47,770 --> 01:56:49,728
and blacker.
1667
01:56:49,856 --> 01:56:52,348
Must be quite a new experience for you.
1668
01:56:52,484 --> 01:56:54,311
l don't suppose blacks
play much of a part
1669
01:56:54,445 --> 01:56:55,856
in the books you write, do they?
1670
01:56:55,988 --> 01:56:59,654
Except for the odd, eyeball rolling darkie
1671
01:56:59,785 --> 01:57:03,035
to take his place
alongside the swarthy yid,
1672
01:57:03,164 --> 01:57:06,913
the oily Levantine
and others of their kind.
1673
01:57:22,520 --> 01:57:24,229
Oh, l'm sorry it's so messy.
1674
01:57:24,356 --> 01:57:26,230
lt's only earth.
1675
01:57:26,358 --> 01:57:29,111
From Tea's first grave in your garden.
1676
01:57:35,077 --> 01:57:37,200
Not so bad.
We're up of the clock, l think.
1677
01:57:37,330 --> 01:57:40,284
-Barely.
-Well, what's next?
1678
01:57:42,503 --> 01:57:45,041
What do you find so damned amusing?
1679
01:57:45,923 --> 01:57:48,415
What the hell are you laughing at?
1680
01:57:50,637 --> 01:57:53,343
-Are you sure you're all right?
-Yes, l'm all right.
1681
01:57:53,474 --> 01:57:55,183
-Jack.
-Jack?
1682
01:57:55,310 --> 01:57:56,769
Simple minded twit!
1683
01:57:56,895 --> 01:57:58,306
You've been handing me the clue
all along.
1684
01:57:58,439 --> 01:58:01,476
lt's Jolly Jack Tar. lt's on the sailor.
1685
01:58:01,609 --> 01:58:02,724
True!
1686
01:58:02,861 --> 01:58:04,688
That's where it is.
1687
01:58:06,156 --> 01:58:11,068
But this time,
l am not going to tell you what it is.
1688
01:58:11,371 --> 01:58:12,746
All right.
1689
01:58:59,846 --> 01:59:02,302
He looked disappointed in you.
1690
01:59:02,432 --> 01:59:04,971
But then, it's no laughing matter.
1691
01:59:05,561 --> 01:59:06,842
Or is it?
1692
01:59:11,693 --> 01:59:13,236
Do that again.
1693
01:59:16,157 --> 01:59:18,862
My God,
he's never winked at me before.
1694
01:59:34,804 --> 01:59:38,554
l suppose the other lash
is on one of poor Tea's eyes.
1695
01:59:39,101 --> 01:59:40,596
She won't miss it.
1696
01:59:40,728 --> 01:59:42,520
They're both closed.
1697
01:59:44,524 --> 01:59:46,399
How much more time?
1698
01:59:46,527 --> 01:59:50,146
You've got about five minutes.
Hardly enough, l'd say.
1699
01:59:50,281 --> 01:59:52,855
There's one more thing left, l think,
the murder weapon.
1700
01:59:52,993 --> 01:59:54,653
You strangled her over there,
with what?
1701
01:59:54,787 --> 01:59:59,664
-A rope, belt, scarf...
-lt bit into her neck very deeply, Andrew.
1702
02:00:01,295 --> 02:00:02,955
l had to pry it loose.
1703
02:00:03,088 --> 02:00:07,336
You'll pay for that, l promise,
you sadistic bloody wop!
1704
02:00:07,469 --> 02:00:10,043
l hope l didn't hear that correctly.
1705
02:00:13,977 --> 02:00:16,433
You're certain to need more help.
1706
02:00:17,189 --> 02:00:20,689
l'd hate to have to start giving you
difficult ltalian clues,
1707
02:00:20,818 --> 02:00:25,066
-full of treachery and double meaning.
-All right. All right.
1708
02:00:26,867 --> 02:00:29,952
As several wops have remarked
from time to time...
1709
02:00:32,833 --> 02:00:34,660
Was that a clue?
1710
02:00:35,377 --> 02:00:37,417
Say the damn thing again.
1711
02:00:39,841 --> 02:00:41,799
No. Once more, please.
1712
02:00:51,689 --> 02:00:53,563
What's the time. No...
1713
02:00:54,734 --> 02:00:55,849
No.
1714
02:00:57,779 --> 02:00:59,155
Gold, gold!
1715
02:01:00,658 --> 02:01:01,938
All gold!
1716
02:01:07,416 --> 02:01:09,076
Gold scintillates?
1717
02:01:09,210 --> 02:01:11,333
Glitters.
1718
02:01:11,462 --> 02:01:13,835
All that glisters is not gold.
1719
02:01:13,965 --> 02:01:15,923
There will always be an England.
1720
02:01:16,051 --> 02:01:19,006
You strangled her
with something golden and scintillating.
1721
02:01:22,935 --> 02:01:27,063
What's that? A musical clue.
Right. Now, golden notes,
1722
02:01:27,190 --> 02:01:30,690
golden scales, golden... lt's a chord!
1723
02:01:30,819 --> 02:01:34,070
You strangled her with a golden cord,
and like everybody does,
1724
02:01:34,198 --> 02:01:37,116
you hid it behind the bell pull!
1725
02:01:37,243 --> 02:01:39,283
No, damn it, you didn't.
1726
02:01:43,376 --> 02:01:45,784
Anything goes in olden days!
1727
02:01:45,921 --> 02:01:48,412
ln olden days a glimpse of stocking
1728
02:01:48,549 --> 02:01:50,209
Was looked on as something shock...
1729
02:01:50,342 --> 02:01:54,293
Stocking! Where do you put stockings?
1730
02:01:54,431 --> 02:01:57,847
On legs. Legs! The golden legs.
1731
02:01:59,270 --> 02:02:02,022
Not a golden leg in the blasted house.
1732
02:02:03,525 --> 02:02:05,269
ls it in this room?
1733
02:02:10,617 --> 02:02:11,862
Bastard!
1734
02:02:15,456 --> 02:02:18,458
ln olden days a glimpse of stocking
1735
02:02:18,585 --> 02:02:20,993
Was looked at as something shocking
1736
02:02:21,130 --> 02:02:25,080
Now heaven knows, anything goes
1737
02:02:26,386 --> 02:02:29,802
The world has gone mad today
And good...
1738
02:02:41,362 --> 02:02:43,604
l think l can hear something.
1739
02:02:52,292 --> 02:02:53,455
Andrew!
1740
02:02:53,585 --> 02:02:54,665
Andrew!
1741
02:02:54,795 --> 02:02:55,910
What?
1742
02:02:56,047 --> 02:02:58,538
They're here. The police are here.
1743
02:03:01,970 --> 02:03:04,129
lt looks like you've had it.
1744
02:03:04,265 --> 02:03:06,590
-They're coming up the drive.
-Keep them out!
1745
02:03:06,726 --> 02:03:08,137
Keep the police out?
1746
02:03:08,270 --> 02:03:09,894
lt's just not done, old boy.
1747
02:03:10,022 --> 02:03:11,896
But still, l'll try.
1748
02:03:13,442 --> 02:03:16,314
Just one more minute.
1749
02:03:16,446 --> 02:03:19,982
Stall them somehow. Please!
1750
02:03:20,117 --> 02:03:21,446
Remember,
1751
02:03:21,577 --> 02:03:23,487
in olden days
1752
02:03:23,621 --> 02:03:26,576
a glimpse of stocking.
1753
02:03:29,795 --> 02:03:30,827
Mr Tindle?
1754
02:03:30,964 --> 02:03:33,537
-Olden days...
-l wasn't expecting to find you here, sir.
1755
02:03:33,675 --> 02:03:36,249
-Glimpse...
-Good evening, Sergeant Tarrant.
1756
02:03:36,387 --> 02:03:38,214
Olden days...
1757
02:03:38,347 --> 02:03:40,257
Before tights, what?
1758
02:03:40,392 --> 02:03:43,227
Nylon. Before nylon, what?
1759
02:03:43,353 --> 02:03:44,634
Silk.
1760
02:03:45,064 --> 02:03:49,145
Well, what else. What...
1761
02:03:56,661 --> 02:03:57,824
Clock.
1762
02:04:03,252 --> 02:04:07,167
Stockings had clocks.
1763
02:04:07,299 --> 02:04:08,924
ln olden days...
1764
02:04:19,188 --> 02:04:20,517
Glimpse...
1765
02:04:24,153 --> 02:04:26,442
Now you see it,
1766
02:04:26,572 --> 02:04:28,067
now you don't.
1767
02:05:28,897 --> 02:05:32,017
lt wouldn't take long to dig up, Sergeant.
1768
02:05:32,151 --> 02:05:34,358
Why don't l have a go at it?
1769
02:05:34,737 --> 02:05:37,229
Well, surely...
1770
02:05:48,379 --> 02:05:50,835
Just let me tell him you're here.
1771
02:05:56,138 --> 02:05:57,336
Andrew.
1772
02:05:57,473 --> 02:05:58,802
ls it all right if l introduce
1773
02:05:58,933 --> 02:06:02,054
Detective Sergeant Tarrant
and Constable Higgs?
1774
02:06:03,856 --> 02:06:07,225
Yes, of course. Come in, gentlemen.
1775
02:06:07,360 --> 02:06:10,030
Come in, do have...
1776
02:06:15,912 --> 02:06:20,539
Or should l say, lnspector Plodder
1777
02:06:20,668 --> 02:06:23,503
and Constable Freshface.
1778
02:06:27,175 --> 02:06:30,759
Thank you, Sergeant.
We won't be needing you after all.
1779
02:06:31,973 --> 02:06:33,171
That's all right, sir.
1780
02:06:33,308 --> 02:06:37,176
Better to be safe than sorry,
that's what l always say, sir.
1781
02:06:37,605 --> 02:06:40,690
-Good night, Sergeant.
-Good night, sir.
1782
02:06:42,110 --> 02:06:43,984
Good night, Constable.
1783
02:06:45,406 --> 02:06:47,066
Good night, sir.
1784
02:07:08,016 --> 02:07:11,267
First, l suppose
you'll want to know about Tea.
1785
02:07:12,021 --> 02:07:13,136
She did call yesterday
1786
02:07:13,273 --> 02:07:16,310
while l was setting up
the Doppler scene,
1787
02:07:16,443 --> 02:07:19,480
and l told her about the trick
that you played on me with the gun,
1788
02:07:19,614 --> 02:07:21,191
and she wasn't a bit surprised.
1789
02:07:21,324 --> 02:07:24,409
She knows only too well
the kind of games you like to play,
1790
02:07:24,536 --> 02:07:28,451
the kind of humiliation you enjoy
inflicting on other people.
1791
02:07:29,709 --> 02:07:34,668
l explained to her that l wanted
to play a game and get even with you,
1792
02:07:34,798 --> 02:07:39,592
and l asked her to lend me a stocking,
a shoe, a false eyelash
1793
02:07:39,721 --> 02:07:42,888
and that bracelet that you'd bought her.
1794
02:07:44,852 --> 02:07:48,056
And she was happy to help,
1795
02:07:48,190 --> 02:07:50,562
and so was her flatmate, Joyce.
1796
02:07:55,031 --> 02:07:57,320
Would you like to phone Tea?
1797
02:07:59,036 --> 02:08:00,994
She'll talk to you now.
1798
02:08:04,501 --> 02:08:08,582
But then, you wouldn't have very much
to say to her, would you?
1799
02:08:10,675 --> 02:08:13,427
She's not really your mistress, is she?
1800
02:08:15,806 --> 02:08:21,098
She told me that you and her
haven't made it together for over a year.
1801
02:08:23,565 --> 02:08:28,561
She also told me
that you are practically impotent.
1802
02:08:29,781 --> 02:08:34,278
Not at all, in fact, the selector's choice
for the next Olympics.
1803
02:08:35,789 --> 02:08:37,616
l warned you, Andrew.
1804
02:08:39,835 --> 02:08:42,291
l don't play games for the sport!
1805
02:08:44,174 --> 02:08:47,590
Particularly not games of humiliation.
1806
02:08:50,973 --> 02:08:53,216
l know too much about that.
1807
02:09:01,653 --> 02:09:03,445
Where are you going?
1808
02:09:05,282 --> 02:09:08,035
l'm going to get Marguerite's fur coat.
1809
02:09:09,496 --> 02:09:11,868
-She's not coming back?
-No.
1810
02:09:20,634 --> 02:09:22,093
l live
1811
02:09:23,346 --> 02:09:25,339
as l want to live.
1812
02:09:25,473 --> 02:09:29,519
You know, l've been
thinking of that writer you told me about.
1813
02:09:29,645 --> 02:09:33,264
And it is my opinion
that your detective stories
1814
02:09:33,399 --> 02:09:37,943
are the normal recreation
of snobbish, out-dated,
1815
02:09:38,072 --> 02:09:40,824
life-hating, ignoble minds.
1816
02:09:42,118 --> 02:09:44,037
l'll get that fur coat now.
1817
02:09:44,037 --> 02:09:44,285
l'll get that fur coat now.
1818
02:10:00,891 --> 02:10:02,220
You see.
1819
02:10:03,894 --> 02:10:05,270
You see.
1820
02:10:08,817 --> 02:10:10,146
lnspector,
1821
02:10:12,029 --> 02:10:14,106
l was working in my study
1822
02:10:14,991 --> 02:10:17,233
when l heard a noise in here,
1823
02:10:19,205 --> 02:10:22,574
so l took my revolver,
1824
02:10:24,002 --> 02:10:25,960
and l came in here
1825
02:10:26,130 --> 02:10:27,708
to investigate.
1826
02:10:29,717 --> 02:10:31,710
Here was this young man
1827
02:10:32,804 --> 02:10:34,797
running down the stairs
1828
02:10:35,391 --> 02:10:38,677
with my wife's fur coat over his arm.
1829
02:10:40,438 --> 02:10:42,562
l shouted for him to stop,
1830
02:10:43,067 --> 02:10:45,605
but he wouldn't pay any attention,
1831
02:10:46,070 --> 02:10:48,359
but ran on towards the door
1832
02:10:49,491 --> 02:10:51,567
hoping to make his escape.
1833
02:10:52,536 --> 02:10:55,242
Naturally, l fired.
1834
02:10:57,417 --> 02:10:59,291
l aimed low.
1835
02:11:00,504 --> 02:11:02,747
Believe me, lnspector, l did.
1836
02:11:03,716 --> 02:11:06,208
The most appalling thing happened.
1837
02:11:07,763 --> 02:11:09,423
l shot him dead.
1838
02:11:14,897 --> 02:11:16,521
That's all right, sir.
1839
02:11:16,816 --> 02:11:19,188
Don't distress yourself unduly.
1840
02:11:19,319 --> 02:11:22,154
A thing like that
could happen to anyone.
1841
02:11:37,632 --> 02:11:39,590
l can't let you go now.
1842
02:11:41,136 --> 02:11:42,797
What do you mean?
1843
02:11:43,514 --> 02:11:45,009
Going about
1844
02:11:45,392 --> 02:11:47,183
telling everyone.
1845
02:11:48,145 --> 02:11:50,054
lt's just not possible.
1846
02:11:50,189 --> 02:11:52,562
Who... Whom would l tell?
1847
02:11:54,194 --> 02:11:55,569
Who'd be interested?
1848
02:11:55,696 --> 02:11:59,148
One person would be too many,
even Marguerite.
1849
02:11:59,283 --> 02:12:00,398
Especially Marguerite.
1850
02:12:00,535 --> 02:12:02,611
What are you going to do then, Andrew?
1851
02:12:02,746 --> 02:12:04,205
Shoot me down?
1852
02:12:04,331 --> 02:12:07,333
-Play that old burglar game again?
-That's right.
1853
02:12:07,460 --> 02:12:09,916
-lt wouldn't work now.
-No?
1854
02:12:11,298 --> 02:12:12,876
Why not l wonder.
1855
02:12:13,008 --> 02:12:17,386
Because of what really happened
after l left here last Friday night.
1856
02:12:18,932 --> 02:12:21,720
What really happened?
1857
02:12:21,852 --> 02:12:23,929
l did lurch home
1858
02:12:24,063 --> 02:12:27,764
dazed, dirty and humiliated.
1859
02:12:29,236 --> 02:12:31,276
And l sat up all night.
1860
02:12:33,700 --> 02:12:35,194
And in the morning,
1861
02:12:35,327 --> 02:12:37,652
l went to the police station
1862
02:12:38,372 --> 02:12:41,077
and l told them what you'd done to me.
1863
02:12:42,001 --> 02:12:44,160
And one of them,
Detective Sergeant Tarrant,
1864
02:12:44,296 --> 02:12:46,040
yes, he's real.
1865
02:12:47,133 --> 02:12:50,716
He took me into a little room,
and we had a long chat,
1866
02:12:51,638 --> 02:12:54,639
but l don't think
he paid very much attention
1867
02:12:54,767 --> 02:12:56,558
to anything l said.
1868
02:12:57,729 --> 02:12:59,805
So l thought to myself,
1869
02:13:00,816 --> 02:13:02,939
''He's not gonna do anything about this.''
1870
02:13:03,068 --> 02:13:06,023
No? Why not?
1871
02:13:07,532 --> 02:13:10,652
You know the answer to that
just as well as l do.
1872
02:13:10,786 --> 02:13:13,906
ln his eyes,
l'm just some common little git
1873
02:13:14,290 --> 02:13:15,998
who's been screwing the wife
of a local noble
1874
02:13:16,126 --> 02:13:17,537
and got what he deserved.
1875
02:13:17,669 --> 02:13:21,502
So perhaps the police won't come by
as l said they would,
1876
02:13:21,632 --> 02:13:23,506
but even if they don't,
1877
02:13:23,635 --> 02:13:27,680
they'd never believe
that burglar story of yours. Not now.
1878
02:13:28,849 --> 02:13:30,926
So, you see, you've lost.
1879
02:13:33,605 --> 02:13:36,393
You can't fool me any more, Milo.
1880
02:13:37,735 --> 02:13:40,902
l haven't believed a single word
you've been saying.
1881
02:13:41,031 --> 02:13:42,573
lt's the truth.
1882
02:13:44,660 --> 02:13:45,989
Liar.
1883
02:13:46,120 --> 02:13:49,241
Phone Sergeant Tarrant
if you don't believe me.
1884
02:13:50,292 --> 02:13:54,919
You come here and announce
your intention to steal away my wife.
1885
02:13:55,632 --> 02:13:58,966
You pry into my manhood,
1886
02:13:59,094 --> 02:14:03,887
you lecture me on ignoble minds
1887
02:14:05,393 --> 02:14:08,728
and you mock the creation of my life,
1888
02:14:09,732 --> 02:14:12,817
St John Lord Merridew.
1889
02:14:17,408 --> 02:14:21,656
Well, they're all real bullets this time.
1890
02:14:25,334 --> 02:14:27,374
The game's over, Andrew.
1891
02:14:29,506 --> 02:14:31,249
l'm going home now.
1892
02:14:47,152 --> 02:14:50,272
Milo, you do see
1893
02:14:51,198 --> 02:14:54,734
l'm not really a very good games player.
1894
02:14:54,869 --> 02:14:56,863
l mean to say,
1895
02:14:56,997 --> 02:15:01,292
never play the same game
three times running.
1896
02:16:25,729 --> 02:16:26,927
Andrew?
1897
02:16:28,983 --> 02:16:30,477
Don't forget.
1898
02:16:31,778 --> 02:16:34,234
Be sure and tell them
1899
02:16:35,574 --> 02:16:37,068
it was just
1900
02:16:38,578 --> 02:16:40,867
a bloody game.152511