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1
00:00:01,967 --> 00:00:04,219
(carla)cheers is filmed beforea live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,521 --> 00:00:07,172
friends, congratulate me.
3
00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:10,208
i've just had my first
3 consecutive hours
of sleep
4
00:00:10,275 --> 00:00:12,344
since i became a father.
5
00:00:12,411 --> 00:00:14,712
lilith's been makin' you
get up with the baby
at night when it cries, huh?
6
00:00:14,780 --> 00:00:16,864
well,
being a progressive couple,
we actually take turns,
7
00:00:16,932 --> 00:00:19,801
but last night
as she was gently nudging me
8
00:00:19,869 --> 00:00:21,753
with one of
her serrated elbows,
9
00:00:23,005 --> 00:00:26,123
i fell back
on the old yoga trick
10
00:00:26,191 --> 00:00:27,792
of lowering my heart rate,
11
00:00:28,427 --> 00:00:30,495
holding my breath,
12
00:00:30,563 --> 00:00:33,314
and staring blankly
as though i was dead.
13
00:00:33,382 --> 00:00:34,615
and that worked?
14
00:00:34,683 --> 00:00:36,634
nope. didn't buy it
for a minute.
15
00:00:36,702 --> 00:00:40,271
see, i forgot it was she
that taught me that trick
during our honeymoon.
16
00:00:42,041 --> 00:00:44,409
you know, this, uh, gettin' up
in the middle of the night
17
00:00:44,477 --> 00:00:46,511
with the cryin' baby stuff,
that's...
18
00:00:46,578 --> 00:00:49,580
that's the reason
i never had kids.
19
00:00:49,648 --> 00:00:52,734
that's the only reason,
huh, cliff?
20
00:00:52,802 --> 00:00:55,804
yeah, well, that and the fact
that my mother taught me
21
00:00:55,872 --> 00:00:57,272
to have a healthy respect
22
00:00:57,339 --> 00:00:58,506
for the evils
of overpopulation,
23
00:00:58,574 --> 00:01:00,242
know what i mean?
hmm.
24
00:01:00,309 --> 00:01:02,778
yeah, you know, i--i can still
remember her lookin' at me
and sayin',
25
00:01:02,845 --> 00:01:06,114
"for the love of god, cliffie,
let it stop with you."
26
00:01:11,537 --> 00:01:13,972
making your wayin the world today
27
00:01:14,039 --> 00:01:17,124
takes everythingyou've got
28
00:01:17,192 --> 00:01:19,727
taking a breakfrom all your worries
29
00:01:19,795 --> 00:01:21,796
sure would help a lot
30
00:01:23,265 --> 00:01:26,768
wouldn't you liketo get away
31
00:01:29,021 --> 00:01:31,089
sometimes you want to go
32
00:01:31,156 --> 00:01:34,225
where everybodyknows your name
33
00:01:36,662 --> 00:01:39,497
and they're alwaysglad you came
34
00:01:40,933 --> 00:01:43,518
you wanna bewhere you can see
35
00:01:43,585 --> 00:01:46,137
our troublesare all the same
36
00:01:46,205 --> 00:01:51,409
you wanna be whereeverybody knows your name
37
00:01:51,477 --> 00:01:53,828
you wanna gowhere people know
38
00:01:53,896 --> 00:01:56,481
people are all the same
39
00:01:56,548 --> 00:02:01,219
you wanna go whereeverybody knows your name
40
00:02:20,356 --> 00:02:23,157
ok, people,
i've got a special day
planned with robin,
41
00:02:23,225 --> 00:02:25,226
so i'm leaving the bar
in your control.
42
00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:27,128
(rebecca)
i want everything shipshape.
43
00:02:27,195 --> 00:02:29,197
carla,
straighten up your apron.
44
00:02:29,265 --> 00:02:30,798
woody, fix your hair.
45
00:02:30,866 --> 00:02:32,334
sam, stop fixing your hair.
46
00:02:34,020 --> 00:02:37,054
robin'll be by shortly,
and he's taking the day off.
47
00:02:37,122 --> 00:02:39,123
oh, how nice for you.
oh, good.
48
00:02:39,191 --> 00:02:40,875
nice?
49
00:02:40,942 --> 00:02:43,110
i don't think you understand
the significance of this.
50
00:02:43,179 --> 00:02:45,697
men like robin colcord
do not take days off.
51
00:02:45,764 --> 00:02:47,615
he had to shift appointments,
put off deals,
52
00:02:47,682 --> 00:02:48,934
cancel plane flights.
53
00:02:49,001 --> 00:02:51,585
when a man like robin
takes a day off,
54
00:02:51,653 --> 00:02:53,388
it is a major commitment.
55
00:02:53,455 --> 00:02:55,573
while for me,
it's a way of life.
56
00:02:57,509 --> 00:02:58,826
so, i guess
this is some kind of honor,
57
00:02:58,894 --> 00:03:01,529
him hangin' out with you
instead of his other babe.
58
00:03:01,597 --> 00:03:03,698
you know the chick
from the french consulate.
59
00:03:03,766 --> 00:03:06,000
that chick is in paris
being debriefed.
60
00:03:06,068 --> 00:03:10,137
oh, i thought robin
was in charge of that.
61
00:03:10,205 --> 00:03:11,923
you know, i am really
not jealous of her.
62
00:03:11,991 --> 00:03:13,491
i don't care, i am winning.
63
00:03:13,559 --> 00:03:15,493
it is obvious he prefers me.
64
00:03:15,561 --> 00:03:16,877
and he's never taken
a whole day off
65
00:03:16,945 --> 00:03:18,913
[in french accent]
with jeanne marie.
66
00:03:19,048 --> 00:03:20,532
well, maybe she has
67
00:03:20,599 --> 00:03:21,999
[in french accent]
a real job.
68
00:03:23,035 --> 00:03:24,518
so, what do you
plan on doing?
69
00:03:24,586 --> 00:03:26,504
oh, nothing special.
we're just gonna
70
00:03:26,572 --> 00:03:28,640
play it by ear,
go with the flow.
71
00:03:28,707 --> 00:03:30,191
hey, miss howe,
72
00:03:30,258 --> 00:03:34,112
i finished ironing
your wardrobe for the day.
73
00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:36,247
why didn't you tell me
the iron has a spray setting?
74
00:03:36,315 --> 00:03:39,084
i got all dried out
spittin' on your clothes.
75
00:03:40,219 --> 00:03:41,586
thank you, woody.
76
00:03:41,654 --> 00:03:43,404
so, what's all this?
77
00:03:43,472 --> 00:03:45,690
today, robin and i
are gonna live out
every fantasy i've ever had,
78
00:03:45,757 --> 00:03:47,758
and i want to be
properly attired.
79
00:03:47,827 --> 00:03:50,411
so, this is for the beach,
walking hand in hand,
80
00:03:50,478 --> 00:03:53,347
picnic in the park,
paddle boats,
81
00:03:53,349 --> 00:03:54,599
zoo,
82
00:03:54,666 --> 00:03:57,268
seventh row,
phantom of the opera,
83
00:03:57,336 --> 00:03:58,803
and this...
84
00:03:58,870 --> 00:04:03,624
is for the end
of a romantic evening.
85
00:04:03,692 --> 00:04:06,311
you plannin' on locking
your keys in your car,
miss howe?
86
00:04:09,298 --> 00:04:10,698
yes, woody.
87
00:04:10,765 --> 00:04:12,684
well, you've gone
to a lot of trouble.
88
00:04:12,751 --> 00:04:14,518
how long have you been
plannin' this?
89
00:04:14,586 --> 00:04:17,121
since my first day
of puberty.
90
00:04:18,223 --> 00:04:20,058
ah, pubescence,
91
00:04:20,125 --> 00:04:21,726
(cliff)
an emotional time.
92
00:04:21,794 --> 00:04:24,845
i don't mind saying it,
puberty was one long
nightmare for me.
93
00:04:25,781 --> 00:04:27,514
how's that, cliff?
94
00:04:27,582 --> 00:04:30,784
ma wouldn't allow it
in the house.
95
00:04:30,852 --> 00:04:33,371
well,
on the lovely array of images
that brings to mind,
96
00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:35,507
i'm going to adjourn
to the back room.
97
00:04:35,574 --> 00:04:38,409
i'm ready for a game of darts
if anybody's man enough.
98
00:04:38,477 --> 00:04:40,445
sorry, i'm busy.
99
00:04:40,512 --> 00:04:43,131
[clearing throat]
uh, i will,
i'll play you for a beer.
100
00:04:43,198 --> 00:04:45,049
oh, want to make
a little wager, huh?
101
00:04:45,117 --> 00:04:47,718
no, no, if you, uh,
buy me a beer, i'll play you.
102
00:04:48,903 --> 00:04:51,506
sam? set up my friend norm,
here.
103
00:04:52,274 --> 00:04:53,558
hello, rebecca.
104
00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:55,326
hi, sweet baby.
105
00:04:56,661 --> 00:04:58,113
mmm!
106
00:04:58,180 --> 00:05:00,398
are you ready for the most
relaxing, exciting day
of your life?
107
00:05:00,466 --> 00:05:03,717
i most certainly am.
i just have to make
one phone call first.
108
00:05:03,785 --> 00:05:05,320
wait? it isn't
business, is it?
109
00:05:05,387 --> 00:05:07,255
on my day off?
110
00:05:07,323 --> 00:05:08,823
[scoffing]
certainly not.
111
00:05:10,792 --> 00:05:12,327
ah, yes. this is, uh, colcord.
112
00:05:12,394 --> 00:05:15,296
give me 5,000 shares
of metronix international.
113
00:05:15,364 --> 00:05:16,747
robin?
114
00:05:16,815 --> 00:05:19,099
oh, yes. well, i'll call you
later, aunt beryl.
115
00:05:19,168 --> 00:05:20,535
god bless.
116
00:05:21,770 --> 00:05:23,671
so, uh, what would you
like to do today?
117
00:05:23,739 --> 00:05:26,424
ok, i'd like to go
to the beach, then i'd like
to go paddle-boating,
118
00:05:26,592 --> 00:05:28,126
to the zoo--
oh, yes. your, um,
119
00:05:28,193 --> 00:05:31,262
first day of puberty dream.
it had slipped my mind.
120
00:05:31,329 --> 00:05:33,347
well, let's be off, eh?
ok, i'll get ready.
121
00:05:33,415 --> 00:05:34,949
oh, i have to get into
my beachcombing outfit.
122
00:05:35,017 --> 00:05:36,701
oh, and here's yours.
123
00:05:36,769 --> 00:05:37,852
right here.
124
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,270
and--and here,
125
00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:41,839
is a little terry-cloth cap
for you to wear.
126
00:05:41,907 --> 00:05:43,023
no.
127
00:05:44,059 --> 00:05:45,159
fine.
128
00:05:47,495 --> 00:05:49,163
hey, mr. colcord,
i think it's great
129
00:05:49,231 --> 00:05:51,598
that you're takin'
a day off.
130
00:05:51,667 --> 00:05:54,552
you know, back in hanover,
we used to always
take sundays off.
131
00:05:54,619 --> 00:05:57,271
yeah,
me and the family used to
dress in our best clothes
132
00:05:57,339 --> 00:06:00,608
and sit in the parlor,
and read from the good book.
133
00:06:00,676 --> 00:06:02,977
then afterward,
me and my brother would
go out to the barn
134
00:06:03,045 --> 00:06:05,095
and read from a bad book.
135
00:06:07,382 --> 00:06:08,950
i loved sundays.
136
00:06:10,952 --> 00:06:12,586
well,
i whupped 'em both.
137
00:06:12,654 --> 00:06:14,722
oh, yeah, frasier.
you definitely threw the one
138
00:06:14,789 --> 00:06:17,158
that came closest
to the dartboard.
139
00:06:17,226 --> 00:06:19,561
now,
what is that unusual taste?
140
00:06:19,628 --> 00:06:21,729
ah, yes! sour grapes.
141
00:06:22,598 --> 00:06:23,898
so, does anybody else wish to
142
00:06:23,966 --> 00:06:26,768
snatch the laurels of victory
from my brow?
143
00:06:26,835 --> 00:06:30,554
well, something's gotta
cover that beach
you call a forehead.
144
00:06:33,225 --> 00:06:34,509
mr. colcord.
145
00:06:34,576 --> 00:06:37,328
you english guys,
you--you play darts a lot,
don't you?
146
00:06:37,396 --> 00:06:39,814
oh, yes, we english do nothing
but sit around in pubs,
147
00:06:39,882 --> 00:06:43,184
sipping thick, warm ale,
throwing darts incessantly,
148
00:06:43,251 --> 00:06:45,620
dropping our h's,
and singing
god save the queen,
149
00:06:45,688 --> 00:06:48,456
that's all we do in england.
150
00:06:48,524 --> 00:06:50,458
well, that film strip
they showed in junior high
151
00:06:50,526 --> 00:06:52,493
was right on the money.
152
00:06:54,613 --> 00:06:56,564
no, i'm sorry i snapped.
153
00:06:56,598 --> 00:06:58,967
it's, um,
not because of you people.
154
00:06:59,034 --> 00:07:01,869
it's this business of, um,
sitting around all day,
155
00:07:01,937 --> 00:07:03,738
doing nothing.
156
00:07:03,806 --> 00:07:05,974
gets on my nerves, you know.
157
00:07:06,041 --> 00:07:07,241
or, um,
158
00:07:07,309 --> 00:07:10,028
maybe it is you people.
159
00:07:10,095 --> 00:07:12,697
so, darts.
who shall i thrash first?
160
00:07:12,764 --> 00:07:14,048
well,
i'll play you for a beer.
161
00:07:14,116 --> 00:07:15,500
oh, a little wager.
162
00:07:15,567 --> 00:07:17,151
mmm, not exactly.
163
00:07:17,219 --> 00:07:18,136
[inaudible]
164
00:07:20,973 --> 00:07:23,808
that guy is
so damn arrogant.
165
00:07:23,875 --> 00:07:26,377
yup. he likes his beer, too.
166
00:07:27,513 --> 00:07:30,248
no,
i was talkin' about robin.
167
00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:31,816
yeah, but you must admit,
168
00:07:31,883 --> 00:07:35,586
mr. peterson
can cop an attitude.
169
00:07:35,653 --> 00:07:39,440
you know, i--i--i hope
normie just knocks him down
a peg or 2.
170
00:07:39,508 --> 00:07:43,161
yeah, well, we all know
that norm isn't the best
darts player in the bar.
171
00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:45,546
and we all know who is,
don't we, sammy?
172
00:07:45,614 --> 00:07:47,515
come on!
no, no,
i don't want to play him.
173
00:07:47,582 --> 00:07:49,550
i mean, it's one thing
when you play friends,
174
00:07:49,618 --> 00:07:51,019
that's kind of fun,
you know?
175
00:07:51,086 --> 00:07:52,953
but when you start playin'
people you don't like,
176
00:07:53,021 --> 00:07:54,755
other things kinda enter in.
177
00:07:54,823 --> 00:07:57,224
you start thinkin' about
those times
178
00:07:57,292 --> 00:08:00,261
that he screwed you out
of all that money,
179
00:08:00,328 --> 00:08:02,997
or how he, uh,
beat you to rebecca
180
00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:05,299
after you worked on her
for all those years,
181
00:08:05,367 --> 00:08:07,735
and how he always makes you
kinda feel
182
00:08:07,803 --> 00:08:10,304
like a stupid,
know-nothing jerk
183
00:08:10,372 --> 00:08:13,340
with lousy clothes
and a stupid job.
184
00:08:13,408 --> 00:08:16,678
you know somethin',
i'm gonna kick
that guy's royal butt!
185
00:08:22,450 --> 00:08:25,052
[all cheering]
(man)
hey! way to go, robin!
186
00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,154
you know, it just isn't fair.
187
00:08:27,222 --> 00:08:29,557
i came in to-- i wanted to be
one of the guys.
188
00:08:29,625 --> 00:08:32,493
all i'm doin' is
sittin' on my duff, watchin'
other people do things.
189
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:34,962
welcome to normworld.
190
00:08:35,030 --> 00:08:37,965
keep your hands inside the car
at all times.
191
00:08:39,551 --> 00:08:42,169
hi, darling.
ready to go to the beach?
192
00:08:42,288 --> 00:08:44,088
i've been to the beach,
thank you.
193
00:08:44,156 --> 00:08:45,940
well,
why didn't you ask me to go?
194
00:08:46,008 --> 00:08:48,859
i did, i came in here
and screamed your name out
at least a half a dozen times.
195
00:08:48,927 --> 00:08:50,761
i thought
you were cheering me on.
196
00:08:50,829 --> 00:08:52,696
you mean you had to go
to the beach all by yourself?
197
00:08:52,765 --> 00:08:54,265
no, i went with woody.
198
00:08:54,332 --> 00:08:57,168
i did all those stupid things
that i dreamed of doing.
199
00:08:57,252 --> 00:08:58,769
we walked on the shore,
200
00:08:58,837 --> 00:09:02,240
and we fed the seagulls,
and we skipped stones.
201
00:09:02,307 --> 00:09:05,276
i buried woody up to his neck
in the sand, and...
202
00:09:05,344 --> 00:09:08,863
oh, my god. woody!
203
00:09:08,930 --> 00:09:12,332
all right, last shot!
sammy needs a bull's-eye
to win.
204
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,268
all right. you mean
one of these here?
205
00:09:15,554 --> 00:09:18,205
[all cheering]
206
00:09:19,140 --> 00:09:20,691
sammy wins!
207
00:09:20,759 --> 00:09:22,109
are you sure about the score?
208
00:09:22,177 --> 00:09:24,812
absolutely.
i kept score with peanuts.
209
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,432
this is you. this is sam.
norm?
210
00:09:27,582 --> 00:09:30,184
that's right. uh, 250 to 249.
211
00:09:31,820 --> 00:09:34,621
you know, if you hurry,
i think you can catch up
with rebecca there.
212
00:09:34,689 --> 00:09:36,257
do you fancy
another game, sam?
213
00:09:36,324 --> 00:09:38,209
oh, no, come on. it's over.
214
00:09:38,276 --> 00:09:40,427
let's just
walk away from this,
215
00:09:40,495 --> 00:09:41,796
a winner and a loser.
216
00:09:41,863 --> 00:09:43,598
say, boys,
who was the winner again?
217
00:09:43,665 --> 00:09:46,984
(all)
sammy! sammy! sammy!
218
00:09:47,052 --> 00:09:48,720
well, if not darts,
what about a--
219
00:09:48,787 --> 00:09:50,621
a friendly game of pool, eh?
220
00:09:50,689 --> 00:09:54,809
no, no, i never like
to nail a guy twice
in one afternoon.
221
00:09:54,877 --> 00:09:56,760
you haven't lived.
222
00:09:58,263 --> 00:09:59,497
well,
perhaps i could make the...
223
00:09:59,648 --> 00:10:01,682
i could make the prospect
a little more enticing
224
00:10:01,750 --> 00:10:03,150
if we threw in a wager, huh?
225
00:10:03,217 --> 00:10:06,187
shall we say... um, here,
uh, one u.s. dollar?
226
00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:07,622
[all murmuring]
(norm)
whoa!
227
00:10:07,689 --> 00:10:08,889
big spender, eh?
228
00:10:08,957 --> 00:10:10,357
one lousy buck?
229
00:10:10,425 --> 00:10:12,192
well, you see, sam,
230
00:10:12,260 --> 00:10:14,462
a real sportsman
wouldn't consider it
a lousy buck,
231
00:10:14,529 --> 00:10:16,330
but a trophy.
232
00:10:16,397 --> 00:10:18,866
something to be held
over the head
of the vanquished.
233
00:10:18,934 --> 00:10:21,401
a symbol of victory.
234
00:10:21,469 --> 00:10:24,271
all right. lag for break.
235
00:10:24,339 --> 00:10:27,508
although i can't understand
why anyone would get
that excited about
236
00:10:27,576 --> 00:10:29,894
winning a dollar.
237
00:10:29,961 --> 00:10:31,729
nah, nah, nah, nah
238
00:10:31,796 --> 00:10:33,864
(all)
nah, nah, nah, nah
239
00:10:33,932 --> 00:10:36,100
hey, hey, hey
240
00:10:36,167 --> 00:10:38,085
goodbye
241
00:10:38,087 --> 00:10:40,121
nah, nah, nah, nah
242
00:10:40,189 --> 00:10:42,073
nah, nah, nah, nah
243
00:10:42,140 --> 00:10:44,057
hey, hey, hey
244
00:10:44,125 --> 00:10:45,626
[whooping]
goodbye
245
00:10:46,644 --> 00:10:47,962
oh, don't feel bad, robin.
246
00:10:48,030 --> 00:10:50,531
you'd have beat him
if you'd called
that last shot.
247
00:10:50,598 --> 00:10:53,451
you mean the one
that ricocheted off
that mailman's head?
248
00:10:54,335 --> 00:10:56,036
yep. now, if you'd said:
249
00:10:56,104 --> 00:10:58,473
"8-ball off of cliffie's
temple,"
250
00:10:58,540 --> 00:11:01,676
then maybe this portrait
of george washington
might be yours.
251
00:11:01,743 --> 00:11:04,378
uh, by the way, boys,
which president was he again?
252
00:11:04,430 --> 00:11:07,498
number one!
number one!
number one!
253
00:11:09,033 --> 00:11:10,435
hey, cliffie!
254
00:11:10,502 --> 00:11:11,936
hey,
how you feel, cliff?
255
00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:15,022
oh, fine, fine. just a little
crack in the head.
all right.
256
00:11:15,090 --> 00:11:17,675
so, uh...
oh, who won the game?
257
00:11:17,776 --> 00:11:18,976
sammy.
258
00:11:19,043 --> 00:11:21,062
ah, did you? that's great.
that's great.
259
00:11:21,129 --> 00:11:23,347
carla, how about a beer here,
huh? thanks.
260
00:11:23,415 --> 00:11:26,150
so, uh, who won the game?
261
00:11:28,853 --> 00:11:30,154
sammy did.
yeah.
262
00:11:30,222 --> 00:11:33,107
no kiddin'?
gee, that's great, sam.
263
00:11:33,175 --> 00:11:35,259
how about a beer there,
carla, huh?
264
00:11:36,728 --> 00:11:38,479
uh, cliff,
265
00:11:38,547 --> 00:11:40,681
what do you say
we trot on down
266
00:11:40,748 --> 00:11:43,817
to the old emergency
room just for fun, huh?
267
00:11:43,885 --> 00:11:46,787
yeah, yeah.
sure thing, frase.
268
00:11:46,855 --> 00:11:48,555
so, who won that game?
269
00:11:51,176 --> 00:11:52,843
so, do you fancy
another game, sam?
270
00:11:52,911 --> 00:11:55,563
whoo, boy, robin,
you are a glutton.
271
00:11:55,630 --> 00:11:58,565
well, it's not often
i meet someone who can
offer me such a challenge.
272
00:11:58,633 --> 00:12:00,067
i must confess,
273
00:12:00,135 --> 00:12:01,369
i rarely lose.
274
00:12:01,436 --> 00:12:03,487
really?
well, you're a natural at it.
275
00:12:03,555 --> 00:12:05,656
[guffawing]
hey!
276
00:12:05,724 --> 00:12:06,974
yes, you're very kind.
277
00:12:07,042 --> 00:12:09,043
it's not surprising
you beat me
at these physical games.
278
00:12:09,111 --> 00:12:10,244
i mean,
all they depended upon
279
00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:12,880
were simple hand-to-eye
coordination,
280
00:12:12,948 --> 00:12:14,348
animal cunning.
281
00:12:14,416 --> 00:12:16,617
i mean,
these are the only things
you're adroit at.
282
00:12:16,684 --> 00:12:17,701
hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.
283
00:12:17,769 --> 00:12:20,070
no one calls me a droit.
284
00:12:20,172 --> 00:12:21,172
(all)
sammy!
285
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,340
sammy!
286
00:12:22,407 --> 00:12:23,674
sammy!
287
00:12:23,742 --> 00:12:25,243
no, but, how do you think
you would fare
288
00:12:25,310 --> 00:12:26,611
in a game whose outcome
289
00:12:26,678 --> 00:12:28,312
rested purely on intelligence,
290
00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:29,680
acumen,
291
00:12:29,748 --> 00:12:31,698
cognitive reasoning?
292
00:12:32,367 --> 00:12:33,500
ok.
293
00:12:33,568 --> 00:12:36,536
carla, break out the yahtzee.
294
00:12:37,439 --> 00:12:38,806
no. i--i was referring
295
00:12:38,874 --> 00:12:41,275
to the age-old game of chess.
296
00:12:41,277 --> 00:12:42,793
or don't you indulge
in such sport
297
00:12:42,860 --> 00:12:44,895
in this cultural wasteland?
298
00:12:44,997 --> 00:12:47,214
[all protesting]
hey, hey!
299
00:12:47,281 --> 00:12:48,449
wait a minute.
300
00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:50,618
are you talkin' about
my country?
301
00:12:50,685 --> 00:12:52,536
no, i'm talkin' about
this bar.
302
00:12:52,604 --> 00:12:54,988
oh? well, you don't know
the half of it.
303
00:12:55,056 --> 00:12:56,374
yeah, all right. ok.
304
00:12:56,441 --> 00:12:58,842
i'll-- i'll play you
a little game of chess.
305
00:12:58,877 --> 00:13:01,295
but let's not, uh,
go for this weenie dollar bet,
here.
306
00:13:01,362 --> 00:13:02,863
i'll tell you what.
307
00:13:02,931 --> 00:13:04,531
double or nothin'.
308
00:13:04,599 --> 00:13:06,700
well, what d'you say--
what do you say we make it
309
00:13:06,801 --> 00:13:08,052
something worth our while?
310
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,804
both of us, eh?
um, a week's pay.
311
00:13:12,007 --> 00:13:13,440
my salary
312
00:13:13,508 --> 00:13:15,375
against your salary.
313
00:13:15,477 --> 00:13:16,677
uh, that's not exactly fair,
now.
314
00:13:16,745 --> 00:13:18,345
you--you don't make tips.
315
00:13:18,413 --> 00:13:19,830
[all laughing]
316
00:13:23,217 --> 00:13:24,485
and what do you say, sam?
317
00:13:24,552 --> 00:13:25,903
all right. sure.
318
00:13:25,971 --> 00:13:27,221
fine.
319
00:13:27,289 --> 00:13:29,774
right. i'm going back
to my penthouse,
320
00:13:29,841 --> 00:13:32,610
and i'll get my chess set.
321
00:13:32,677 --> 00:13:35,279
and i'll see you
in an hour, sam.
322
00:13:35,347 --> 00:13:36,647
i'll be here.
323
00:13:36,715 --> 00:13:39,133
boy, sammy, i am impressed.
324
00:13:39,284 --> 00:13:41,769
i mean, you have put a lot
on the line.
325
00:13:41,837 --> 00:13:44,304
you have any idea
how much that guy takes home
in a week?
326
00:13:44,372 --> 00:13:46,974
i tell ya, that's enough money
for me to buy back this bar.
327
00:13:47,041 --> 00:13:48,575
yes!
we are home free.
328
00:13:48,643 --> 00:13:49,943
all right, sammy.
329
00:13:50,012 --> 00:13:53,130
all i gotta do is learn how
to play chess in an hour.
330
00:13:55,133 --> 00:13:58,603
uh, you know, what the heck.
it's gotta be easier
than yahtzee.
331
00:14:07,946 --> 00:14:09,396
oh, here's where
everybody is.
332
00:14:09,464 --> 00:14:10,547
frasier, how's cliff?
333
00:14:10,615 --> 00:14:11,982
oh, he's fine, fine.
334
00:14:12,050 --> 00:14:13,884
he'll be all right,
i think.
335
00:14:13,952 --> 00:14:15,686
they wanna keep him under
observation for a while
336
00:14:15,754 --> 00:14:18,205
until he's completely normal.
337
00:14:18,273 --> 00:14:20,908
gee, i never got
to say goodbye.
338
00:14:22,060 --> 00:14:23,477
so, uh, what is
all this, anyway?
339
00:14:23,544 --> 00:14:24,678
oh, you're gonna love this.
340
00:14:24,746 --> 00:14:26,347
[chuckling]
see, sammy and robin
341
00:14:26,414 --> 00:14:29,016
are playin' chess
for one week's wages, right?
342
00:14:29,334 --> 00:14:30,601
we got this
computer chess game
343
00:14:30,669 --> 00:14:32,670
so that sammy can beat robin.
344
00:14:32,737 --> 00:14:36,340
and norm is gonna feed him
all the right moves
over this headset.
345
00:14:36,407 --> 00:14:39,794
well, i hate to spoil your fun
with a moral voice,
346
00:14:39,861 --> 00:14:43,698
but, uh, isn't that
what we used to call cheating?
347
00:14:43,765 --> 00:14:46,733
i mean, isn't that just like
stealing robin's money?
348
00:14:46,801 --> 00:14:49,252
no, frasier, i'm not
doin' this for the money.
349
00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:51,455
i just wanna
get the satisfaction
350
00:14:51,523 --> 00:14:53,757
of seein' his expression
when he gives me the check.
351
00:14:53,808 --> 00:14:55,142
and once it's in my hand,
oh.
352
00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:57,695
i will rip it up
and throw it in his face.
353
00:14:57,762 --> 00:15:01,065
maybe.
354
00:15:01,133 --> 00:15:03,600
so, where did you get
all this expensive listening
equipment, anyway?
355
00:15:03,668 --> 00:15:05,886
oh, this is pete's stuff.
he uses this stuff
all the time.
356
00:15:05,954 --> 00:15:08,656
pete, are--are you
a surveillance expert?
357
00:15:08,724 --> 00:15:11,142
no. my wife sleeps around
a lot.
358
00:15:16,965 --> 00:15:19,783
all right!
bird for 3!
359
00:15:19,851 --> 00:15:22,986
sam, are you going to
play chess or listen
to your basketball game?
360
00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:24,722
i can do both.
361
00:15:24,789 --> 00:15:26,073
king's rook
362
00:15:26,141 --> 00:15:27,524
to queen one.
363
00:15:27,592 --> 00:15:28,742
ok.
364
00:15:28,810 --> 00:15:30,811
king's rook to queen one.
365
00:15:31,646 --> 00:15:34,748
well, in that case, uh,
366
00:15:34,816 --> 00:15:38,519
my horsey guy takes
your little pointy-headed guy.
367
00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:43,908
you know,
368
00:15:43,975 --> 00:15:46,010
you're a--
you're a fascinating opponent,
369
00:15:46,077 --> 00:15:48,712
obviously unskilled
in the finer points
of the game.
370
00:15:48,780 --> 00:15:51,681
you have
an instinctive raw talent
that pulls you through
371
00:15:51,749 --> 00:15:54,151
and makes me want
to squash you like a bug.
372
00:15:54,219 --> 00:15:56,387
queen takes bishop. check.
373
00:15:56,454 --> 00:15:58,255
all right! jump ball!
374
00:15:58,323 --> 00:16:01,058
oh, god! i wish you could
hear this game, you guys.
sam? sam. here.
375
00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:03,393
sam? i checked. i checked.
yeah? oh.
376
00:16:03,461 --> 00:16:05,412
sorry. check.
all right, uh...
377
00:16:06,414 --> 00:16:08,582
well, in that case, um,
378
00:16:08,649 --> 00:16:11,718
my castle takes your queen.
379
00:16:11,786 --> 00:16:13,770
get out of that,
rich boy.
380
00:16:18,443 --> 00:16:19,977
(rebecca)
well.
381
00:16:20,812 --> 00:16:22,779
robin.
382
00:16:22,847 --> 00:16:24,715
woody and i
have been to the beach,
383
00:16:24,782 --> 00:16:26,417
we have been to the zoo,
384
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:28,586
we went paddle-boating,
385
00:16:28,653 --> 00:16:30,887
we saw phantom.
386
00:16:30,955 --> 00:16:33,491
oh, it was wonderful.
thank you for asking.
387
00:16:33,558 --> 00:16:35,426
woody was a model escort,
388
00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:37,894
except for one little annoying
habit of constantly asking me,
389
00:16:37,962 --> 00:16:40,664
"is this part scary?
is this part scary?"
390
00:16:42,183 --> 00:16:44,535
it was.
thank you for asking.
391
00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:46,970
i am going to go freshen up,
392
00:16:47,038 --> 00:16:49,706
and then we are going
to a late supper.
393
00:16:49,774 --> 00:16:52,243
oh, uh, actually, miss howe,
i'm not really hungry.
394
00:16:52,944 --> 00:16:54,711
i was talking to robin.
395
00:16:54,779 --> 00:16:56,379
oh, yeah.
396
00:16:56,447 --> 00:16:57,848
dream on.
397
00:17:01,969 --> 00:17:04,237
norm, how many times
have i told you
398
00:17:04,305 --> 00:17:06,573
i don't want you in here
trying to erase your bar tab?
399
00:17:06,641 --> 00:17:08,292
oh, come on.
400
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:11,112
come on, you think
i would do something
as deceitful as that?
401
00:17:11,179 --> 00:17:13,347
i'm only trying to help sammy
cheat at chess.
402
00:17:13,415 --> 00:17:14,865
that's terrible.
403
00:17:14,932 --> 00:17:15,999
can you step on it?
404
00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:18,435
robin and i
can still make that supper.
405
00:17:18,503 --> 00:17:20,103
i'm tryin', i'm tryin',
406
00:17:20,172 --> 00:17:21,539
but, i tell ya,
my bar tab's eatin' up
407
00:17:21,606 --> 00:17:24,941
most of the memory
on this computer.
408
00:17:25,009 --> 00:17:27,144
(sam)...pointy-headed guy, here. hey, hey. sammy's talkin'.
409
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:28,979
yeah, yeah,it was very clever of you
410
00:17:29,047 --> 00:17:30,947
to have movedyour pointy-headed thing
411
00:17:31,183 --> 00:17:33,350
to the white square
412
00:17:33,417 --> 00:17:36,320
second from the bottomon the far right.
413
00:17:36,387 --> 00:17:39,106
all right, sam.
ok, here we go.
414
00:17:39,173 --> 00:17:40,390
[bleeping]
415
00:17:42,109 --> 00:17:44,411
holy cow. it went blank.
416
00:17:44,479 --> 00:17:45,829
pardon me?
417
00:17:46,514 --> 00:17:48,232
what?
418
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:50,201
i said, "pardon me."
419
00:17:50,268 --> 00:17:52,436
i burped.
420
00:17:53,872 --> 00:17:55,989
no, you didn't.
421
00:17:56,057 --> 00:17:58,558
well, you couldn't hear me,
but i did,
422
00:17:58,626 --> 00:18:00,244
and i'm sorry.
423
00:18:00,311 --> 00:18:01,411
oh.
424
00:18:01,479 --> 00:18:03,513
well, then, gesundheit.
425
00:18:03,581 --> 00:18:04,831
i didn't sneeze.
426
00:18:04,899 --> 00:18:07,300
well, perhaps you will
one day, and i won't hear it.
427
00:18:09,621 --> 00:18:12,055
i can't get the board back.
he's on his own.
428
00:18:12,123 --> 00:18:13,356
oh, poor sammy.
429
00:18:13,424 --> 00:18:15,792
oh, come on, guys,
we've seen sammy
430
00:18:15,860 --> 00:18:18,595
in situations like this
hundreds of times.
431
00:18:18,663 --> 00:18:20,831
you know,
the--the game's on the line,
432
00:18:20,899 --> 00:18:22,432
the best hitter's comin' up
to the plate,
433
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:23,800
men on second and third.
434
00:18:23,868 --> 00:18:25,268
and who do they call in?
435
00:18:25,336 --> 00:18:27,804
"mayday" malone
with his slider of death.
436
00:18:27,872 --> 00:18:29,490
and what would he do?
437
00:18:29,557 --> 00:18:32,776
well, he'd usually give up
a 3-run homer.
438
00:18:32,843 --> 00:18:36,012
it was sam's teammates
who called it
"the slider of death."
439
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:39,383
so, they had a man on first
440
00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:41,151
and a man on second.
441
00:18:41,219 --> 00:18:43,854
who do they call in
but old "mayday" malone
442
00:18:43,921 --> 00:18:47,241
with his slider of death.
443
00:18:47,309 --> 00:18:49,560
why did they call it that?
444
00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:53,130
none of your business.
445
00:18:53,198 --> 00:18:55,599
that's very nice,
but your time
is running out, sam.
446
00:18:55,666 --> 00:18:56,766
move or forfeit.
447
00:18:56,834 --> 00:18:57,985
ah...
448
00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:01,171
all right, fine, there.
449
00:19:03,007 --> 00:19:06,226
that's either the stupidest
move in the world, or...
450
00:19:07,495 --> 00:19:09,013
that 's very clever, sam.
451
00:19:10,415 --> 00:19:12,082
what will you do
when i move my bishop
452
00:19:12,150 --> 00:19:14,318
to king knight 5?
453
00:19:14,386 --> 00:19:16,120
i don't know.
454
00:19:17,588 --> 00:19:19,940
oh, is this, uh,
horsey guy mine?
455
00:19:21,342 --> 00:19:22,609
yes.
456
00:19:22,611 --> 00:19:24,611
well, ahem,
457
00:19:24,679 --> 00:19:26,630
gonna move that here,
458
00:19:27,798 --> 00:19:30,033
and that's...checkmate.
459
00:19:33,604 --> 00:19:34,704
what?
460
00:19:37,425 --> 00:19:40,277
well, yeah.
yeah, i win.
that's checkmate.
461
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:41,578
[laughing]
yeah.
462
00:19:41,646 --> 00:19:43,647
yeah. you shouldn't have moved
your cardinal, bub.
463
00:19:43,714 --> 00:19:46,032
bishop! it's called a bishop!
464
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:49,135
and i only moved him
because your last move
was so incredibly stupid,
465
00:19:49,203 --> 00:19:51,204
that i thought you were
up to something clever.
466
00:19:51,272 --> 00:19:55,792
yeah. well,
sometimes incredibly stupid
is clever enough for me.
467
00:19:55,860 --> 00:19:57,694
why did you do that?
up to then, you were playing
468
00:19:57,762 --> 00:19:59,262
a classic alekhine's defense,
469
00:19:59,330 --> 00:20:01,932
and i was matching you
every step of the way.
470
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:05,552
why in the world
did you make that stupid move?
471
00:20:05,619 --> 00:20:06,787
wait, wait.
472
00:20:06,855 --> 00:20:08,205
which one of you told him
473
00:20:08,273 --> 00:20:10,274
to make that stupid move?
474
00:20:13,978 --> 00:20:16,546
you knew?
what do you think i am,
an idiot?
475
00:20:18,883 --> 00:20:20,066
what gave me away?
476
00:20:20,134 --> 00:20:21,668
well, for starters,
477
00:20:21,735 --> 00:20:24,221
the basketball game
which you were supposed to be
listening to
478
00:20:24,288 --> 00:20:25,538
was on the television set
behind you,
479
00:20:25,623 --> 00:20:28,408
and it had been over
for about an hour.
480
00:20:28,476 --> 00:20:30,527
boy, those english guys
are clever.
481
00:20:32,364 --> 00:20:34,498
no wonder we lost that war.
482
00:20:34,999 --> 00:20:36,066
no.
483
00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:37,801
we didn't lose the war.
we won it.
484
00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:40,838
oh, right. then how come
we speak english?
485
00:20:48,913 --> 00:20:50,263
hey, man, come on,
you know,
486
00:20:50,331 --> 00:20:52,583
just don't be a droit.
487
00:20:55,403 --> 00:20:57,688
all right, all right. if you
knew this game was fixed,
488
00:20:57,755 --> 00:21:00,274
then how come
you went along with it?
489
00:21:00,342 --> 00:21:02,659
are you joking?
490
00:21:02,726 --> 00:21:05,062
that was the only thing
about the game that held any
challenge for me, samuel.
491
00:21:05,129 --> 00:21:07,848
ok, so you knew it was fixed
and yet you went ahead
and played.
492
00:21:07,915 --> 00:21:09,783
i say that i won,
fair and square.
493
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:11,968
you owe me.
one week's salary.
come on, bud.
494
00:21:11,970 --> 00:21:14,421
and don't, uh, leave out
any of those little zeros,
there.
495
00:21:14,489 --> 00:21:16,022
oh, right you are, sam.
496
00:21:16,090 --> 00:21:18,792
um, i must preface this
by saying that, um,
497
00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:21,562
in order to keep
my tax bracket low,
i am a corporation.
498
00:21:21,629 --> 00:21:24,164
and the nominal salary
i pay myself
499
00:21:24,231 --> 00:21:26,399
as president
of that corporation
500
00:21:26,401 --> 00:21:28,335
is $1 a year,
501
00:21:28,402 --> 00:21:31,538
which means that, uh,
my weekly salary
after taxes is...
502
00:21:33,074 --> 00:21:34,491
one penny.
503
00:21:36,127 --> 00:21:37,844
(rebecca)
well, well.
504
00:21:42,650 --> 00:21:44,517
one penny.
505
00:21:45,820 --> 00:21:47,404
sam,
506
00:21:47,406 --> 00:21:49,989
you used all this electronic
paraphernalia to cheat,
507
00:21:50,057 --> 00:21:51,958
and what did it get you?
508
00:21:52,827 --> 00:21:54,328
one penny.
509
00:21:56,814 --> 00:21:59,232
and you, robin.
510
00:21:59,300 --> 00:22:02,102
you take the one day off
that you've had in years,
511
00:22:02,170 --> 00:22:03,704
and what do you do with it?
512
00:22:03,771 --> 00:22:06,472
you spend the whole day
fighting over...
513
00:22:07,608 --> 00:22:09,242
one penny.
514
00:22:10,878 --> 00:22:12,496
and what about me?
515
00:22:13,431 --> 00:22:15,465
you take the one day
516
00:22:15,533 --> 00:22:18,034
that i have always
dreamed about,
517
00:22:18,036 --> 00:22:20,754
and you turn it
into the most depressing,
518
00:22:20,821 --> 00:22:23,890
pathetic day of my life.
519
00:22:29,397 --> 00:22:32,215
oh, woody, i'm sorry.
i had fun with you!
520
00:22:32,283 --> 00:22:33,883
look what you did!
521
00:22:37,155 --> 00:22:38,621
you know,
you're right, rebecca.
522
00:22:38,689 --> 00:22:40,240
i've been acting like a fool.
523
00:22:40,307 --> 00:22:42,943
you see, for one moment,
i actually lost control
524
00:22:43,011 --> 00:22:44,545
of that competitive edge
525
00:22:44,612 --> 00:22:46,212
which built my empire.
526
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:48,214
yeah. i apologize.
527
00:22:49,300 --> 00:22:52,285
and what did you learn, sam?
528
00:22:52,353 --> 00:22:55,221
well, i learned that it's not
that much fun to play games
529
00:22:55,289 --> 00:22:58,191
if all you're worried about
is winning or losing.
530
00:22:58,259 --> 00:23:01,795
i'm sorry that we ruined
your day like that.
531
00:23:01,863 --> 00:23:04,548
i guess i said a lot of
childish things, there, robin.
532
00:23:04,615 --> 00:23:05,933
i'm sorry, um,
533
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,684
you're a good sport.
534
00:23:07,751 --> 00:23:10,070
[clears throat]
let's just call it even,
shall we?
535
00:23:13,274 --> 00:23:15,826
1, 2, 3, 4,
i declare a thumb war.
39725
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