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1
00:00:02,300 --> 00:00:04,900
Cheers is filmed beforea live studio audience.
2
00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:09,700
Oh, Knight
of the Pentacles.
3
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,300
I wouldn't want to be in
your shoes, Mr. Petersen.
4
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:15,000
Woody, are those
Tarot cards?
5
00:00:15,100 --> 00:00:15,600
Yeah.
6
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,000
What are you doing?
7
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,900
You have to be careful
with those things.
8
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:22,900
Ah, yes, the awesome power and
dreaded prophecy of the Tarot.
9
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,200
So ancient and mysterious
10
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:26,900
that no one knows its history,
not even me.
11
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,000
Well, that's a relief.
12
00:00:29,100 --> 00:00:31,200
Woody, you idiot.
13
00:00:31,300 --> 00:00:33,400
Don't mess with
the supernatural.
14
00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:35,900
Have I taught you
nothing about bad juju?
15
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:38,200
Relax, Carla.
I've done this before.
16
00:00:38,300 --> 00:00:40,300
Now, where were we,
Mr. Petersen?
17
00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:42,000
Have you got any
Grim Reapers?
18
00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:46,200
Nope. Go fish.
19
00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:50,000
(theme song begins)
20
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,200
� Making your way
in the world today �
21
00:00:54,300 --> 00:00:57,300
� Takes everything you've got �
22
00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:00,100
� Takin' a break
from all your worries �
23
00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:03,000
� Sure would help a lot
24
00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:06,700
� Wouldn't you like
to get away? �
25
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,600
� Sometimes you want to go
26
00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:14,800
� Where everybody
knows your name �
27
00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:21,500
� And they're always
glad you came �
28
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,800
� You wanna be
where you can see �
29
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:26,500
� The troubles
are all the same �
30
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:30,500
� You wanna be where everybody
knows your name �
31
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,200
� You wanna go
where people know �
32
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:36,800
� People are all the same
33
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:40,800
� You wanna go where everybody
knows your name. �
34
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:03,200
(loud jackhammering)
35
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,900
(shouting):
Carla, can I have
a beer, please?
36
00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:07,300
(shouting):
What?
37
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:08,900
(shouting louder):
Can I have a beer, please?1
38
00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:09,700
(shouting louder):
What?!
39
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:10,700
(noise stops)
Ca...
40
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,100
(normal voice):
Can I have a beer, please?
41
00:02:12,100 --> 00:02:13,300
(shouting):
What?!
42
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,100
They stopped the
hammering, okay?
43
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,600
(shouting):
I know, I'm just torturing you!
44
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:22,700
Finally stopped, huh?
It must be noon.
45
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,100
Actually, I've only
got ten till.
46
00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:27,300
Oh, yeah, union guys.
47
00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:28,600
Yep.
48
00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:30,400
When are those guys
gonna be finished?
49
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,000
They're killing our business.
50
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:33,500
Nobody can come
through the front door.
51
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,000
That's okay.
52
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,100
The foreman promised me
it's just a one-day job, hon.
53
00:02:37,100 --> 00:02:38,400
I hope so.
54
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:39,900
What are they doing
up there anyway?
55
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,000
Why doesn't
someone go see?
56
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,200
Well, it's all the way
upstairs, you know.
57
00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:46,600
Maybe we could
call somebody.
58
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:49,300
Yeah, the phone's
way over there.
59
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:50,900
We could turn on the TV.
60
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,600
It might be on the news
or something.
61
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,100
Clicker's in the poolroom.
62
00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,400
Well, I guess
we'll never know.
63
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:03,300
If you people aren't the laziest
beer sponges I have ever seen.
64
00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:04,600
I mean, if you want
65
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,900
to know what's going on
out there,
66
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,500
why doesn't somebody
go and look?
67
00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:10,200
Why doesn't somebody just get up
68
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:11,700
off their rusty-dusty
and go look?
69
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:16,200
Oh, hey, maybe I should have
asked him to return this.
70
00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:17,900
(Frasier yelling)
(loud crash)
71
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,000
Oh, too late.
72
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:22,500
Maybe we should go see
if he's all right.
73
00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:24,600
Aw, it's all the way
upstairs, you know.
74
00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:30,900
So, Fras,
75
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,300
what are they doing up there?
76
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:33,800
Well, as near as I can tell,
77
00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:35,800
they're replacing the top step
with a six-foot hole.
78
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,200
(laughing)
79
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,800
You know, you people wouldn't
be laughing if you knew that
I have a severe dust allergy.
80
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,200
(laughing harder)
81
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:46,600
I'm serious.
82
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:48,600
I could have fallen
and broken my neck.
83
00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:50,100
Stop, Dr. Crane.
84
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,800
Let me catch my breath.
85
00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,800
Hey, there's the guy
who took the header
86
00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:57,700
into our ditch.
87
00:03:57,700 --> 00:03:59,400
Hey, why'd you
do that, man?
88
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:00,600
You almost broke your neck.
89
00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:02,000
Hey, don't get him started.
90
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,400
He's got this whole routine.
91
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:06,300
Can I help you guys?
92
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,400
Yeah, you can help us out
with a couple of beers.
93
00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:09,700
That'll be five dollars.
94
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,600
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
95
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,200
We can't have our boys in the
trenches paying for this.
96
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,500
No-no, much better they
spend their valuable time
97
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,700
finishing their
work upstairs
98
00:04:18,700 --> 00:04:21,500
than digging around in their
wallets for the exact change.
99
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:24,800
Now, here's a man
who understands the
construction business.
100
00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:25,900
What are you doing?
101
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,300
What am I doing?
102
00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:29,000
I'm greasing the
construction workers.
103
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,900
Ooh, that'd make a great
title for my autobiography.
104
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:36,300
This is disgusting.
105
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:37,600
What?
106
00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:39,100
Bribing those men
to do their job?
107
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:41,800
What happened to an honest day's
work for an honest day's pay?
108
00:04:41,900 --> 00:04:42,700
(Frasier laughing)
109
00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:46,000
Now, that is funny.
(laughing)
110
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,600
Nothing will top the one
about you breaking your neck.
111
00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:52,100
It's all in the delivery.
112
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,600
Excuse me, uh, that was
a very nice gesture of Sam,
113
00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:56,300
but I'm the manager here,
114
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,100
and I am responsible
for receiving payment
115
00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:59,600
for services rendered.
116
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,100
Honey, honey, don't...
117
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:03,000
No, no, no, the lady's
got the right idea--
118
00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:04,800
pride in workmanship.
119
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:08,100
You have inspired us to
go out and do our job
as well as we can,
120
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:09,800
no matter how
long it takes.
121
00:05:09,900 --> 00:05:12,300
After all, we're craftsmen.
122
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:16,200
You see?
123
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:20,800
Well, that was Ma.
124
00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:22,300
Her flight got in
a little bit early,
125
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,600
and, uh, she'll be by as soon
as she grabs a cab.
126
00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:26,000
Your mom's in town?
Yeah.
127
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:27,600
Why don't you go
pick her up?
128
00:05:27,700 --> 00:05:29,700
Oh, Normie, that would set
exactly the wrong tone
129
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:30,900
for this visit.
130
00:05:30,900 --> 00:05:32,200
You know why she's here.
131
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:34,000
She wants to move back in
with me.
132
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:37,000
Well, she can just
forget it, I tell you.
133
00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:39,200
She's not gonna be running
my life like she did
134
00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:42,400
when I was in my mid-30s,
no, sirree, sir.
135
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,400
No-no. I'm a new
Cliff Clavin, new man.
136
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,200
Oh, hey, yeah,
I'd be happy to see her.
137
00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:49,200
I'd take her out to dinner,
give her a perm,
138
00:05:49,300 --> 00:05:52,000
but that's about it.
139
00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:53,600
I don't get it, Mr. Clavin.
140
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,400
I thought you liked your mom...
a lot.
141
00:05:55,500 --> 00:05:56,300
A whole lot.
142
00:05:56,500 --> 00:05:59,300
Too much to be healthy, really.
143
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:02,200
Why don't I hear
any jackhammering?
144
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,600
I don't know.
145
00:06:03,700 --> 00:06:05,700
Why don't you, uh, go on
up there and find out
146
00:06:05,700 --> 00:06:07,800
what they're doing
and come back and let us know?
147
00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:09,000
Right, Carla.
148
00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:11,400
And then I would probably fall
in a hole or something.
149
00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:12,900
What do you think
I am, an idiot?
150
00:06:12,900 --> 00:06:17,100
We prefer the term,
hapless victim.
151
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,500
I'll tell you why you don't
hear any jackhammering.
152
00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,600
They're pulling
a slowdown up there.
153
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:24,700
WORKER:
Good heavens. I laced
my boot incorrectly.
154
00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,200
I'll have to start
all over again.
155
00:06:27,300 --> 00:06:29,800
Oh, man, this is
making me crazy.
156
00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,200
They're gonna be here
for a month.
157
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:32,900
Look, I'm sorry, Rebecca.
158
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:36,300
You gotta go up
and give that guy
this $50 he dropped.
159
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:40,100
As a matter of fact,
I think they both
dropped $50. There.
160
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,600
No, Sam, I'm not
gonna do this.
161
00:06:41,700 --> 00:06:42,900
You cannot bribe
those men.
162
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,000
It's a matter
of principle.
163
00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:46,300
Rebecca, it's like
164
00:06:46,300 --> 00:06:48,300
the cardinal rule
of the free enterprise system.
165
00:06:48,300 --> 00:06:50,400
You pay somebody more money,
they work faster.
166
00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:51,600
Hey, look at this.
167
00:06:51,700 --> 00:06:53,300
We're getting a raise
at the post office.
168
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,700
The exception that
proves the rule.
169
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,600
No, you see...
170
00:06:57,600 --> 00:06:59,300
Sam, no, no, you made
me the manager.
171
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,400
You gave me the authority
to handle these problems.
172
00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:03,600
So let me just do
it my own way.
173
00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:06,800
Okay, Manager,
what are you gonna do?
174
00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:09,700
Well, I think we'll just make
an entrance through the alley.
175
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:10,900
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
176
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,800
What are you gonna do,
bust a hole in my wall?
177
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,400
NORM:
Well, actually, Sam,
178
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:16,800
you know that window,
the leaded stained glass window
179
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,000
is in a single wooden frame,
so I think you could pop it out
180
00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:21,500
fairly easily with a crowbar.
181
00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:22,900
I think the opening's
like four by eight,
182
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,200
which is perfectly good
for a standard entrance.
183
00:07:25,300 --> 00:07:26,500
You build a little staircase
184
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,300
and you've got yourself
a nice little doorway.
185
00:07:28,300 --> 00:07:31,500
Well, you've put a lot
of thought into this.
186
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,200
It's always been a dream of mine
187
00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:36,800
to someday retire and build
a little apartment back there.
188
00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:44,500
Hello, Clifford.
189
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,200
Hey, Ma! Hey, look.
190
00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:50,600
Come on here.
Ah...
191
00:07:50,700 --> 00:07:52,200
(chuckling)
192
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:56,000
My, everybody has
filled out nicely.
193
00:07:57,700 --> 00:08:01,000
Well, say, Mrs. Clavin,
if you don't mind my asking,
194
00:08:01,100 --> 00:08:03,400
uh, how did you, happen
to negotiate that hole
195
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:05,300
up at the top of the stairs?
196
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:08,000
Oh, I just hiked up my skirt
and hopped across.
197
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:09,100
No big deal.
198
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,300
Although those
construction boys told me
199
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:12,700
some jackass
actually fell in.
200
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,100
Can you believe that?
201
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:15,500
(laughs)
202
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,600
I'm a boob. I'm a big, fat boob.
203
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,700
CLIFF:
So, uh, Ma,
204
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:26,500
what made you decide to blow
into town all of a sudden?
205
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,300
Well you know
how much I enjoy
206
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,500
the historically rich
sport of dog racing.
207
00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:34,100
Who doesn't?
208
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:37,900
It turned out I enjoyed it
a bit too much last Friday,
209
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:41,000
and, uh, let's just say I
owe some people some money.
210
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,200
Whoops.
211
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:47,700
Well, the dog I put all my
money on, apparently had
a parasitic condition.
212
00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:50,100
He scooted the
last 75 yards.
213
00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:51,900
He got the most laughs,
214
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,800
but they don't pay
on laughs.
215
00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:56,200
Anyway, it gives me
216
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,600
a chance to catch up
with my little boy.
217
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:01,700
I'm looking forward to
seeing what you're doing
218
00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:04,900
with your life and how we
can go about fixing it.
219
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,400
I, uh, appreciate
the thought, Ma,
220
00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:09,400
but, I don't have anything
that needs fixing.
221
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:11,400
See, I, uh, I've got
a new lifestyle.
222
00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:12,700
I, uh, I like it.
223
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,200
Clifford, is it really
a new lifestyle,
224
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:16,700
or is it just an excuse
225
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,500
to walk around your
apartment half naked?
226
00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:24,100
It's, uh, not an
either-or situation, Ma.
227
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:31,200
I suppose there's no room in
this playboy pad of yours
228
00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:33,000
for somebody's mother?
229
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:35,700
Thank you for, uh, being
so understanding, Ma.
230
00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:37,300
Oh.
231
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:40,800
Well, I certainly don't want to
be a burden to you, Clifford.
232
00:09:40,900 --> 00:09:42,500
Lord knows you
weren't a burden to me
233
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,600
when I was in labor
with you for 72 hours.
234
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:47,900
Whoa. 72 hours?
235
00:09:47,900 --> 00:09:50,000
He had those wide hips.
236
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,600
I got you
a great hotel here.
237
00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:57,800
Look, it's got HBO...
You shouldn't go
to that expense.
238
00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,200
All I need is a large
appliance carton,
239
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,800
and I can sleep on
the street...
240
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:04,700
with all the other
forgotten mothers.
241
00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:07,900
You can stay with me.
242
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:11,300
Are you sure you don't have a
lifestyle I'd be intruding on?
243
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,900
Not that I know of.
244
00:10:13,900 --> 00:10:16,900
Well, then I'd
be glad to.
245
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,200
What's your name?
246
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,400
Woody.
Woody.
247
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,300
Oh, that's the name of a boy
whose mother raised him right.
248
00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:26,100
Really?
249
00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:29,900
'Cause I looked it up and all
I could find was "treelike."
250
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,300
Well, let's get you settled
in, huh, Mrs. Cla...
251
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:36,500
No, no, hey, hey, Woody,
252
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:38,300
my mother doesn't want
to impose on anybody.
253
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:41,700
Oh, suddenly he's an
expert on my desires.
254
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,500
I certainly do want
to stay with Woody.
255
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:45,000
I like him.
256
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:49,700
He's sweet and thoughtful, and
look at those nice, narrow hips.
257
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:52,600
I'll bet you shot out
like a bullet.
258
00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:02,300
Well, Norm's
got the window out.
259
00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:04,800
Now he's starting on
the iron bars.
260
00:11:04,900 --> 00:11:06,600
When he's finished,
anybody who wants to
261
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:08,200
can come into this bar
262
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:09,700
right through that alley.
263
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,600
(barking)
264
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:18,200
What was that?
265
00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:21,000
Two big dogs chasing
a Chihuahua.
266
00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:23,100
At least I think
it was a Chihuahua.
267
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,800
If the health department
asks, it was a Chihuahua.
268
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,600
Thanks for giving me
a lift, Ma Clavin.
269
00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:32,400
My pleasure, Woody.
270
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,500
Here's your lunch.
271
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:35,100
I cut the grapes in half,
272
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,500
but should one lodge
in your esophagus,
273
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:41,000
remember the international
sign for choking is this.
274
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:48,400
Uh, how come you never
taught me that, Ma?
275
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:49,700
Oh, Clifford.
276
00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:51,200
With that windpipe of yours,
277
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:54,200
it would take a knockwurst
to cut off your air.
278
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:56,300
I'll be home at 7:00.
279
00:11:56,500 --> 00:11:58,000
Don't be late.
280
00:11:58,100 --> 00:11:59,900
I'm stopping at
the video store
281
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,600
to pick up the rest of
the Police Academy cycle.
282
00:12:02,700 --> 00:12:04,200
Ah...
Oh,
283
00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:07,800
I love that handsome,
young African American
284
00:12:07,900 --> 00:12:10,100
who makes those
funny noises with his mouth.
285
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,200
Yeah, he's a hoot,
isn't he?
286
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:13,600
Yes, he is.
287
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:15,200
And you can tell
by watching him
288
00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:18,900
he's very respectful
to his mother.
289
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,700
Ma, are you mad at me?
290
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,600
I'd have to care to be mad.
291
00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:27,100
Look, Ma, I didn't say
292
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,500
I never wanted to see you
again, for crying out loud.
293
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,400
Listen, why don't
you come over
294
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,400
and we watch uh,
Jeopardy tonight, huh?
295
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,400
Just come on over
to the apartment.
296
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:40,100
Oh, praise God, I've
been invited to Xanadu.
297
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:46,200
Actually, Clifford, I happen
to have a previous engagement.
298
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:55,100
(inaudible whispering)
No... no... no... no.
299
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,600
Oh, all right.
300
00:12:57,700 --> 00:12:59,400
Clifford, we'd be delighted
301
00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:03,200
to have you join us for
Police Academy tonight.
302
00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:04,600
Oh, no, that's okay, Ma.
303
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,600
I'm just gonna have a
lot of fun right here.
304
00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:08,400
I'm as happy as a lark.
305
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:09,600
Well, actually,
Mr. Clavin,
306
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:11,700
the lark is a very
depressed bird.
307
00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:13,000
It has one of
the highest
308
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:17,200
suicide rates in the entire
ornithological kingdom.
309
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,800
Interestingly enough,
its song...
310
00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:20,300
...is more of a dirge.
Is more of a dirge.
311
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,800
You've been teaching him
bird trivia, haven't you, Ma?
312
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:30,000
Woody is the best student
I've had, bar none.
313
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,800
Huh. I know what
you're trying to do, Ma,
and it's not going to work.
314
00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:34,600
You're trying to
make me jealous.
315
00:13:34,700 --> 00:13:37,400
Huh. Well, I'm not going
to be asking you to move
back in with me.
316
00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:38,500
Don't you worry.
317
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,200
I know your wily ways.
318
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,200
You see, you're forgetting,
I am a graduate student
319
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:47,300
of the Esther Clavin School
of Emotional Blackmail.
320
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:50,100
Well, that, and a nickel will
get you a civil service job.
321
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,700
Back off, Ma.
322
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,900
Clifford, I'm not trying
to get you jealous.
323
00:13:58,000 --> 00:13:59,200
I don't have to.
324
00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:00,300
I found a wonderful
325
00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:02,600
companion in Woody.
326
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,200
He's like the son
I never had.
327
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,400
Well, what about me?
328
00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:11,300
You are the son I did have.
329
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,000
Yeah, I'm telling you, Norm,
I really let Ma have it.
330
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,700
I cut clean.
331
00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:27,900
Well, I'll have to take
your word for it, Cliff.
332
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:31,700
Yeah, it really feels good
to get that monkey off my back.
333
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:33,500
Whatever you say.
334
00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:37,200
Yeah, she's out of there,
gone, good-bye, finito.
335
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:40,000
Cliff, what do I have to say
to make you stop talking?
336
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,700
Yes, sir, today
I am a man, Norm.
337
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,400
How about, "I've got a crowbar?"
338
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:45,600
(chuckles)
339
00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:47,800
Oh, hey, Rebecca,
come on,
340
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,300
you be Ma again and
I'll be me, all right?
341
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:53,100
Oh, Cliff, you know, Sam does
a lot better Ma than I do.
342
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,600
Oh, yeah, right, right.
343
00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:57,900
All right, Ma, get off my back!
344
00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,700
SAM:
I'm busy, Cliff.
345
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,100
Oh, no, no, Sam.
346
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,000
There's too much love
in your voice.
347
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,700
I think that
ought to do it.
348
00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:07,900
What do you mean
"that ought to do it?"
349
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,500
You need to cut another bar
out of there.
350
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:11,200
People have to squeeze
through there.
351
00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:12,300
Rebecca, trust me.
352
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,200
I've spent a lifetime
learning how to do
353
00:15:14,300 --> 00:15:16,400
the least amount of work
for any given task.
354
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:17,500
This'll fit the bill.
355
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:19,000
I-I just don't think
356
00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:21,300
anybody's really gonna be able
to fit through there.
357
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:22,400
Even I could fit
through there.
358
00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:23,400
Watch this. Look.
359
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,500
You just... you
just sort of...
360
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:28,000
(grunting):
...up and through...
361
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,200
Well, that's it.
362
00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:32,100
That's it what?
363
00:15:32,300 --> 00:15:33,500
You're not halfway through.
364
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,000
No, that's it, I'm stuck.
365
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,800
I'll be in Cheers
the rest of my life.
366
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,000
Guess you have to be careful
what you wish for.
367
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:45,200
Let me see if I can
get you unstuck.
368
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,500
(grunting)
369
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:48,700
Oh, gosh.
370
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:50,100
That's it, you are stuck.
371
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:53,100
Sam! Carla!
372
00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:54,700
You'd better hurry, Rebecca,
373
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:58,100
'cause I think I see
that damned Chihuahua again.
374
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,800
Hey, there's a whole
pack of Chihuahuas.
375
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:04,100
I hope they're Chihuahuas!
376
00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:06,000
Oh, my God!
377
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:15,900
You okay out there?
378
00:16:15,900 --> 00:16:17,200
Yeah.
379
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:19,800
I think they're as afraid
of me as I am of them.
380
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,600
Yeah, except
you don't carry rabies
381
00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:23,200
and have razor-sharp teeth.
382
00:16:23,300 --> 00:16:25,700
Yeah, but they don't know that.
383
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:29,100
Boy, you really are
wedged in there.
384
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,100
Is that Norm?
385
00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:33,100
Geez, you know,
I didn't recognize you
386
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:34,700
without the bar stool attached.
387
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,300
(laughing)
388
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:42,100
Hey, you know
who he looks like?
389
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,100
Winnie the Pooh.
390
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:44,400
Oh, Carla's right.
Yeah.
391
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:45,700
Yeah, in that story where
392
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:48,200
he eats too much honey and
gets stuck in Rabbit's hole.
393
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:50,500
Yeah, well, how did
they get him out?
394
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:51,600
Oh, it's hilarious.
395
00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:53,200
They starved him
for a couple of weeks,
396
00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:54,300
then yanked him out.
397
00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:55,600
Yeah. Now, when
he got out,
398
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,400
did Winnie the Pooh
sue the damned Rabbit, huh?
399
00:16:58,500 --> 00:17:01,600
Come on, man,
lighten up, will you?
400
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:02,800
Oh, sorry, Sammie.
401
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,500
I'm just upset, okay?
402
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,800
No, I mean, you're like
dead weight here.
403
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:08,100
Push, pull, do something.
404
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,400
Yeah, so I told her,
"Pack your bags.
405
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,700
Go on, hit the skids.
I don't need you anymore."
406
00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:18,200
What's the matter
with him? Girl trouble?
407
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,400
Well, sort of.
408
00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:22,700
Now I'll just have
to raise myself.
409
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,700
Well, the hard work's
already done though.
410
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,500
Where is the child
that's stuck in the fence?
411
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:32,800
Oh, good, you're here.
412
00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:34,400
Uh, back this way,
in the poolroom.
413
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,200
"Child stuck in the fence?"
414
00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:37,700
Well, every time I said,
415
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,200
"Accountant stuck in a window,"
they just laughed and hung up.
416
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,700
REBECCA:
It's back here.
417
00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:46,000
Oh, Woody, that was fun.
418
00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:48,700
It's so nice to go
shopping for shelf paper
419
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:52,600
with somebody who doesn't
nitpick over every design.
420
00:17:52,700 --> 00:17:55,600
Ma, when are you gonna stop
taking those potshots at me?
421
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,600
When it stops being fun.
422
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,300
Excuse me, Woody.
423
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,600
I'm gonna go
powder my nose.
424
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,400
Your nose looks fine,
Mother Clavin.
425
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,100
That's just an expression, son.
426
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:07,900
Ah.
427
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:11,300
Son?
428
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,000
She's, uh, calling
you "son" now?
429
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,100
Well, that's just
an expression.
430
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:17,800
You know, like
"powder my nose."
431
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,300
I understand, Woody.
432
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:22,400
I want to thank you, really,
for all you've done for my ma,
433
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:24,600
you know, giving her a place
to live and everything.
434
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:27,000
There's one thing
my sense of pride
435
00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:28,500
won't allow me to say to her,
436
00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:31,200
but I know I can talk to
you about it man-to-man.
437
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,300
(crying):
I want my mommy back.
438
00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:37,600
You can't have her back.
You gave her up.
439
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:40,000
Wood, I miss her!
440
00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:42,100
Well, if I give her to you,
then I'll miss her, too.
441
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,300
Can't we share?
442
00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:45,400
I don't want to share!
443
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,800
Oh, for God's sake!
444
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,000
You're acting like children.
445
00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:51,500
Now, listen, Woody,
446
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:55,600
Esther Clavin is
Cliff's natural mother.
447
00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:57,900
Therefore, logic would
dictate that, uh,
448
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,700
well, Cliff gets first dibs.
449
00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:06,000
Well, Woody, are we ready
to line some shelves
450
00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:07,900
with flags of the world?
451
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:11,600
Woody?
452
00:19:11,700 --> 00:19:15,300
Woody, if you stick
that lower lip out any further,
453
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:17,100
a pigeon's gonna land on it.
454
00:19:18,500 --> 00:19:19,900
You know that they like
455
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:23,600
shiny, ledge-like surfaces.
456
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:25,800
(crying):
Don't bring up bird trivia
now, Mother Clavin.
457
00:19:25,900 --> 00:19:27,600
It hurts too much.
458
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:30,100
Why, Woody, whatever
are you talking about?
459
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:34,300
(crying and mumbling)
460
00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:37,700
All right,
all right, all right.
461
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:39,900
Is this true, Clifford?
462
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,400
Yeah, Ma, it is.
463
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,700
I want you back.
464
00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:48,900
Well, is there room for me in
that singles' paradise of yours?
465
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,200
I'll, I'll make room.
466
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,000
Well, I made room
for you, Mother Clavin.
467
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,400
I'll make room
in your face!
468
00:19:55,500 --> 00:19:58,100
No, no, no, no.
Now, now, boys,
469
00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:02,800
let's not get into a Cain
and Abel situation here.
470
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,900
I can love you both
for different reasons.
471
00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:07,400
Woody, I can love you
472
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,900
because you're generous
and kind and strong.
473
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,200
And Clifford, I can love you
474
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,500
because I'm your
biological mother,
475
00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:18,200
and nature dictates
there be a bond.
476
00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:21,600
Now, boys,
477
00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:23,900
I've got plenty
of love for both,
478
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,700
and Lord knows I've got
plenty of shelf paper.
479
00:20:27,700 --> 00:20:30,000
I'll tell you what,
let's get cracking.
480
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,300
We can do both of your
apartments before dark.
481
00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:33,400
Got to do mine first.
482
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,000
Not if I get to
the car first.
483
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,600
Yeah, well, you're not going
to do that until you beat me.
484
00:20:36,700 --> 00:20:38,900
I can.
No, you can't!
485
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,600
Boys, watch out for the hole!
486
00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:42,600
(Woody and Cliff yelling)
(loud crash)
487
00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:45,900
Yes, they are my
children all right.
488
00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:47,500
Both dumb as dishwater.
489
00:20:49,700 --> 00:20:51,100
Well, we can get him out,
490
00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:53,300
but we're gonna have to
bring in the Jaws of Life.
491
00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:55,000
He's really stuck
in there.
492
00:20:55,100 --> 00:20:57,700
Yeah, it remind me of that
Winnie the Pooh story.
493
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,400
Say, how'd he get stuck
in there, anyway?
494
00:21:01,500 --> 00:21:03,900
Well, he ate up
all of Rabbit's honey...
495
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,500
No, I mean this guy.
496
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:11,300
Uh, we were, uh, building
a new entrance.
497
00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:13,000
Do you have a permit
for that?
498
00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:15,700
Oh. He wants a permit.
499
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:17,500
This time we'll
handle it your way.
500
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:19,300
No.
Yes. Yes, I'll do it.
501
00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:24,600
Let me just reach into
my magic-permit pocket.
502
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:28,000
No, no.
Yes, yes.
503
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:32,400
And, oh, here's
a nice little permit
504
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,500
with a picture
of General Grant on it.
505
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,200
What are you doing?
(chuckles)
506
00:21:38,300 --> 00:21:42,400
What, like you have
never been bribed before?
507
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:46,800
Are you trying to give
us this 50 bucks?
508
00:21:46,900 --> 00:21:49,200
What, 50 isn't enough?
509
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:50,700
How about 100?
510
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,000
All right, you're
under arrest. Come on.
511
00:21:53,100 --> 00:21:56,000
Sam, would you get
my checkbook?
512
00:21:57,300 --> 00:21:59,600
So you guys ought to
have me out of here
513
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,700
in just a few minutes, huh?
514
00:22:01,700 --> 00:22:03,800
Right, guys?
515
00:22:03,900 --> 00:22:07,000
Guys!
516
00:22:07,100 --> 00:22:08,800
Vera?
37836
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