All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S02E24 Beauty Contest.DVDRip.NonHI.en.e-One

Hey, Abbott!

Here's the rest
of the envelopes.

Thanks.

Why you writing
all these letters?

You ain't got that many friends.

I hit upon a swell idea.

I'm writing a letter
to all our friends

and tell them how bad
we're in need of money.

So I figure if 10% of
them come through,

we'll have enough
to pay the room rent.

- Why go through all this trouble?
- Why?

Why don't we just
get the phone book,

and we take all the names
out of the phone book

and we send them all a letter?

Then we're liable to
get a lot of money back.

All the names in
the telephone book?

Yeah, we take 'em all down.

You know it costs
three cents for a stamp

to send one of these
things... Three cents.

Where's the money coming from?

We get the money from the money

that the people send
in in the envelopes.

But they haven't
sent the money yet.

They haven't come in yet.

You see, that's
where I got brains.

On the other side, over here,
we put, "Send back immediately."

That way we get the money
fast and buy the stamps.

Oh, you couldn't
do that, could you?

No. Certainly not.

Come on. Let's
mail these here out.

And by the way, in case we
run into Mr. Fields, our landlord,

keep your mouth shut.

If he talks about the
rent, let me do the talking.

Don't you do the
talking. Let me do it.

If we meet Mr. Fields, we'll
both keep our mouths shut.

He'll do all the talking.
Don't worry about it.

Come on.

Yes. I know what
you're going to say.

Don't worry about a thing.

We'll have the room
rent in a couple of days.

You'll have the room
rent for me by 5:00.

Do you understand? 5:00!

Just a minute, Mr. Fields.

We're living in this apartment,

and we'd like it a
little neat and clean.

Why don't you
water these flowers?

Doing all this work by myself.

Neat and clean.

I think he means it this
time. I think he means it.

Well, good afternoon,
gentlemen. May I be of service?

Yes, I'd like to get
my friend here a loan.

I beg your pardon?

I want to get you a
loan here in this office.

- You want to get me alone?
- Certainly.

Are you kidding?
Get me out of here.

You can't get me alone.
There's other people in here.

Just a minute. I want
to get you a loan here.

In order to get you some
money, I've got to get you a loan.

Wait. In order to get me
money, you got to get me alone?

Certainly.

You had me alone at
the apartment all morning.

Why you got to bring
me over here for?

Quiet.

Got to take out a loan in
order to get you some money.

I take it you want
to take out a loan.

Just how much would you require?

- Could we get 50 dollars?
- Why, certainly.

Are you quite sure
that'll be sufficient?

You better make it 100.

Why, certainly. Certainly.
Anything that you require.

After all, that's what
we're in business for...

To please our friends.

And our customers are
our friends, you know?

We try to live up to our name...
The Friendly Finance Company.

It is easy to get money here.

Oh, yes. It's
really quite simple.

Now, if you'll just fill
out this application here

with your name, address,
occupation, employer,

amount of salary, length
of time in present position.

- It's just a formality.
- There you are.

I'll sign it. That all?

Yes. That's all on that page.

Now, on page two here,

if you'll just give the date
and place of your birth,

education, schools
attended, degrees, if any.

My, my! Is that a
spot on your necktie?

No matter.

The father's occupation,
date of their marriage,

names of brothers and sisters,

their occupation and
approximate income.

Just a formality.

Are you kidding?

Now, what's this page three for?

Just a few simple questions.

Actually just a few
simple questions.

The names of 10 people
who have known you intimately

for at least 20 years,

the make and model
of your automobile,

the date of your last illness,
and name of attending physician.

What kind of questions
are these, Abbott?

They're ridiculous.

I'll never be able to
remember these questions.

Oh, yes, you can. Come,
now. You're not trying.

What do you
mean, I'm not trying?

- This is just silly stuff!
- No, no, no.

I mean, if I was to ask
you a silly question,

I bet you'd get all
muffled up here, too.

Who is the watchman on the
George Washington Bridge?

Day or night shift?

Night shift.

Mr. Smith.

- How do you know?
- I asked him.

Good afternoon, Larry.

I want you to meet
Mr. Abbott and Mr. Costello,

two of our firm's new clients.

Well, Mr. Abbott,

I'm always glad
to meet new clients

to the Friendly Finance Company.

Mister...

Any collections you want I
should make today, boss?

Yes, Mr. Primrose had a
payment due yesterday.

You better drop
around and see him.

Sure thing.

Let's see.

Mr. Primrose is a
little guy, ain't he?

And how is poor,
dear Mrs. Callahan?

Did you call the hospital?

Yeah. She's doing fine.

The doc says the casts will
be off her arms next week.

Poor, dear Mrs.
Callahan had an accident.

She had an accident.

Yeah. She tripped
over a payment.

Well, be seeing you.

Yeah.

Well, you go ahead
and sign these.

I'm going out and
get a cup of coffee.

What are you leaving
me here like this for?

You're going to go
and get a cup of coffee.

You always leave
me in a spot like this.

Sign it.

I sign the first name only.

Can I give you the money
back? I don't want the money.

Hiya, Costello. Hi, stranger.

You!

Glad to see you, pal.

You and your funny
tricks all the time.

What do you think of my new car?

- Who you driving for?
- Driving for?

I own it. It's my car.
I'm in the money now.

I got a swell apartment.
Look at this suit. Tailor-made.

Look at this diamond
stick pin. Two carats.

Boy, you're a lulu,
with your funny jokes.

- Here, have a cigar.
- Thanks a lot.

- My card.
- Your card.

How come you're
out of the pool room?

The Nevada Gold
Mining Company, Inc.

- Joe Kelly, Vice President?
- That's me, pal.

Look, if you run across anybody
that wants an investment,

I can make them a lot of money.

I know that you
haven't got any dough.

Are you kidding?

I'll bet you 100 dollars I got
100 dollars right there, kid.

- You got 100 dollars?
- You bet.

How would you like to
buy some of my stock?

I was waiting for how long
you was going to put the bite.

Stock? Are you kidding?

I wouldn't take
nothing from you, Joe.

Here. Not a thing.

Hey, wait a minute.
Can I drive you home?

Drive me home?

I was going to go by bus,
so I'll let you drive me home.

All right. Hop right in.

That's the only thing I'm
going to give you a break on.

Just driving me home.

Come in.

- Hello, Mr. Fields.
- Well?

Well, we raised some
of your rent money.

And as soon as Mr. Costello
gets here, I'll be down to see you.

That's fine.

I don't want you to think that I
was too abrupt with you boys.

But you understand.
I got a lot on my mind.

This month everybody's
been late with the rent,

and I've got to keep the
collections coming in, you know.

Sure. Soon as Mr. Costello
gets here, I'll bring it down to you.

- That's fine.
- Okay.

- Oh, by the way...
- What?

You know that lodge I belong to,

the Fraternal Order
of Mud Turtles?

Oh, yes.

They're having their national
convention here next week,

and I'm on the committee.

Now, they asked me if I
could get a couple of judges

for the bathing-beauty contest.

It's an annual affair, you know?

I thought maybe that you
two boys might help me out?

But, Mr. Fields, we don't
belong to your lodge.

That's just it.

Members of the
lodge can't be judges.

Must be impartial outsiders.

Well, then, we're your boys.

- I knew I could depend on you.
- Sure.

The contest will take
place next Saturday.

Okay. We'll be there.

Oh, here he is. Did
you get the money?

- I sure did.
- Thataboy.

Better than that. See this
here? Our worries are over.

I've just bought myself
some stock in a gold mine.

We're going to be millionaires.

Five months’ rent you owe,

and you throw away the
money buying phony gold stock!

Phony stock, my eye.

Joe Kelly is the vice
president of this company.

You ought to see the beautiful
car he's riding around in.

Sure. And paid for with money
taken from suckers like you.

- Let me see that stock.
- Yeah.

- This is good stock.
- I can imagine.

Just as I thought. I happen
to know this company.

Do you know what you can
use these certificates for?

Paper the wall with them!

I don't think so.

This is beautiful material.
Feel that material.

- Stop, Lou.
- Feel the material.

Mr. Fields, please, I'll
have to apologize for Lou.

But incidentally, I
sent out a lot of mail.

I've written to a
lot of our friends,

and I'm expecting some money.

Now, if you could give
us three or four days,

I'm sure we could
pay the room rent.

Three days.

You're a gentleman, Mr. Fields.

Mr. Fields, you're a
man after my own heart.

Have a cigar.

Not only that, I want to
show you I'm a gentleman.

I'm going to give you a light.

Just a minute.
Hold it right there.

Here you are, Sir.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Fields.

How stupid can one get?

Hiya, baby. Have a good lunch?

I knew I forgot
something. It was lunch.

I spent my whole noon hour

buying this little
old bathing suit.

Do you like it? It's
for the beauty contest.

With you in it,
I'm nuts about it.

I'm nuts about
anything with you in it.

Gosh, wouldn't it be wonderful
if I could win the contest?

I'd be Miss Mud Turtle

and have my picture in all
the papers and go to Honolulu.

Baby, you're practically in.

I was just reading about the
contest in the lodge paper.

Guess who's going
to be the judges.

Who?

Those two guys that was
in and borrowed money.

Abbott and Costello.

What does that mean?

That means they need
dough. They can be got to.

You mean you could really get
them to make me win the contest?

Baby, they will leave
you win the contest,

or I will break
both their heads.

Take a letter.

- You ready?
- All ready?

"Abbott and Costello. Gents.

In the Miss Mud
Turtle Beauty Contest,

of which youse
guys are the judges,

I want you should pick
Miss Mabel Murphy.

Here is 100 bucks
for your trouble.

Leave there be no mistakes."

Put these two 50-buck notes
in the letter and get it right off.

Larry, you're the sweetest.

What in the world are you doing?

Just like Mr. Fields told me...

Put them on the
wall for wallpaper.

What he was trying to
do was explain to you

that there's no value
connected with these things.

But that's a good idea.
Leave them up there.

Take a look at them
every now and then

and realize how dumb you are.

- All right?
- What do you got there?

These are letters in answer

to the requests to
our friends for money.

Well come on. Let's open
them up and see what we got.

Yes, help me open
these things up.

Now, let's see what we have.

We ought to have enough
money here to pay the room rent.

I hope all the guys
sent us 10-dollar bills.

Good. Let's see
what this one says.

"Drop dead." Signed, "A friend."

Nice.

Get a load of this one.

"Are you kidding?"

- Where's the money?
- I don't know.

"Go to work.

You won't have to
borrow any money."

These are all people
you knew well?

Our friends.

Hey, get a load of this
one. "I'm a little short.

But if I had it, I
wouldn't give it to you."

Forget about it.

I'll go down and
tell Mr. Fields,

"I'm sorry. We just
haven't got the money."

- That's all we can do.
- Okay.

I don't get it, anyway.

Send letters to some of these
guys for a couple of bucks,

can't even get it.

Yeah?

Mr. Fields, I have
some bad news for you.

We just can't pay the room rent,
and I guess it's best we move.

Wait a minute. We ought to
be able to work this thing out.

What do you mean?

Especially if you and Costello
would like to do me a little favor.

Why, for you,
anything, Mr. Fields.

Anything at all.
You just name it.

My niece, she's going to enter

this Mud Turtle
bathing-beauty contest.

And since you and Costello
are going to be the judges,

I thought maybe...

Oh, I see. Yes, yes, yes.

I imagine...

She might win the
contest anyway!

She's not bad-looking.
Have you ever met her?

- No, I haven't.
- Columbine!

- Columbine, honey.
- Columbine...

Mr. Bud Abbott.

- How do you do?
- Pleased to meet you.

She is beautiful.

I bet she has all the boys
head-over-heels in love with her.

- Are you engaged?
- Are you?

Yeah. I intend to be, yes.

You see, that's
one of the reasons

why I want her to win this
contest and go to Honolulu

to meet some nice young men.

I'd like to get her
out of my hair.

What hair?

I think everything
can be arranged.

We understand each other?

That we'll take
care of everything?

Right.

Well, congratulations,
Miss Mud Turtle of 195...

Oh, Mr. Abbott!

All right, everything's
lovely. Everything's fine.

- It's all taken care of.
- Have a good night.

Well, that's that.

Hey, Abbott! Abbott!

Abbott!

Look!

Hey... 100 dollars.

Somebody sent us 100 dollars.

Well, now, that's
what I call a friend.

- Who? Was there a letter in it?
- Yeah.

- Who was it from?
- I don't know.

I dropped the letter. It's
all mixed up right now.

Forget about that.
It don't mean a thing.

Boy, 100 dollars. Two 50s.

One 50 we'll give to Mr. Fields.

The other 50, we'll get down
and get our tuxedoes out

so we can judge
the beauty contest.

Now, wait a minute, Lou.

I made a new
deal with Mr. Fields.

Everything is all right now.

Wait, what kind of deal
did you make with him?

I'll explain to you later.

Now, look, I'll tell you what you
do. You clean up all this mess.

I'll go down and get
our stuff out of hock.

Go ahead. Clean up.

A deal with Fields.

You know, Abbott, this is
the kind of job I really like.

- You like it?
- Makes me feel very important.

Swell. Now, just
behave yourself.

Abbott, may I see
you a minute, please?

- Yes.
- Now, remember. No slip-ups.

My niece has got to
win this contest, or else.

You've got nothing
to worry about.

You'll have plenty to worry
about if anything goes wrong.

Does Costello know
that she's going to win?

Well, I haven't
explained to him yet.

But anything I say
is okay with Costello.

- Hey, Chum, remember me?
- I can't say that I...

Oh, yes! Yes! You're the
man from the finance company.

Also, I am the guy what sent
you the 100 bucks, remember?

- 100 dollars?
- Yeah, the two 50s.

Don't tell me it
slipped your mind.

Oh, the 100 dollars.

Oh, yes, that was
mighty swell of you.

We certainly appreciate it.

Well, see that you
do appreciate it

by carrying out your
part of the bargain.

Bargain?

This here is Mabel,

the little girl you're going
to make win the contest.

The girl? The contest?

Hi, y'all.

You better get lost, baby.

It don't look good for you

to be seen talking
to one of the judges

and then have him pick
you for Miss Mud Turtle.

- Blow.
- Yeah, sure, Larry.

Bye.

Here, you forgot it.

Now, just so you and me
understand each other...

- No mistakes, see?
- Yeah.

Or you two guys are
going to be nursing

a couple of broken heads.

Yeah, yeah...

Yeah, sure. Sure, sure.

Yeah.

Costello, come on.
I've got to talk to you.

Of all the times
to interrupt me.

Just when I'm
getting to the point.

Just where I'm...
gettin' to the point.

Pardon us. Just a minute.

- Come here.
- Excuse me.

- Come here.
- Excuse me, number five.

Come here.

We're in a mess.
A terrible mess.

I've got to find a
place to talk to you.

Let's talk in here.

Oh, Chubby?

Come here.

I'll be right with you, Abbott.

No!

Lou!

Here you are.

If a man answers, don't hang up.

He's broad-minded.

We're all ready to start
with the judging, Mr. Costello.

- I'm...
- Where's Mr. Abbott?

He's around here someplace.

Well, we're already
late in starting.

We'll have to go
ahead without him.

I mean, after all, I can't do
no judging without Abbott.

Now, now, now...
You'll have to do it alone.

You'll have to do it alone.
- You... You... You...

You will have to do it alone.

Number five. Oh...

Please.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

we are about to pick the
queen, Miss Mud Turtle.

There's a lot of Mud
Turtles here, too, believe me.

Now, in this...

See...

We have number five.

Now, of all these...

We...

Seven.

Pretty good!

Shorty.

Five.

Now...

- I've got to see Mr. Costello.
- Sh!

- I've got to see Mr. Costello!
- Quiet!

Well...

Now...

I'm going to pick the
winner of Miss Mud Turtle.

After consideration, I think
number seven is a lovely number.

Don't get worried. You
ain't got a chance to lose.

Now, after all, it's got to...

You're in, kid.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

- There it is.
- Yeah.

- You might as well take this, too.
- Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Don't worry about a thing, kid.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The winning
number... number five.

Miss Clara Dixon.

You picked the wrong queen!

The wrong queen?
How do they know?

What are they doing?

They're after you
and I. Come on.

You were supposed
to pick my niece! Hey!

If you see them...

You see which way
them two judges went?

- This way.
- Thanks.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Number five. I...

And I thought you had it fixed
so I was going to win the contest.

You know I'm the prettiest!

What's up?

I'm looking for
Abbott and Costello.

Yeah? Well, so am I.

And I hope I find
them before I cool off.

Well, I ain't never
going to cool off.

And when I catch up with them,

I'm going to put
them in plaster casts

for the rest of their lives.

If they live that long.

- Well...
- Hey...

- You got an apartment for rent?
- I certainly have.

The apartment that Abbott
and Costello used to occupy.

Well, I got to get me
a new place today.

- I'd like to take a look at it.
- Be my guest.

We've got to get
a place to live.

Another night on that park bench

and I'll have ingrown ribs.

Well, personally, I don't
think they're any harder than...

Costello.

Than his head.

You ought to apologize for that.
Do you know what happened?

That gold mine...
They struck a new vein.

That stock is worth
1,000 dollars a share.

- Are you kidding?
- No, I'm not kidding.

Take it down to the office. They'll
pay you 1,000 dollars a share.

Abbott, did you hear the
man? The stock I bought.

I told you I'd make
a lot of money.

Didn't I? Didn't I?

And what did you do with them?
You pasted them on the wall!

You told me to leave them there,

that every time I look at
them, I would be stupid.

- All right. Wait a minute.
- You're stupid.

- Fields is stupid. I'm...
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I got the mentality
of a businessman.

I know what we'll do.
We'll go up there tonight.

We'll sneak into our apartment.

Fields won't be able to hear
us from where he sleeps.

And there'll be nobody
in our apartment.

And we'll take
them off the wall.

They're my bonds.
I want my bonds.

- Take it easy.
- They're worth 1,000...

- I want my bonds.
- We'll go up to the apartment.

Let me get at them.

Get them in the corner.
Get them in the corner.

Sh! Quiet.

- That ain't going to do any good.
- Not working.

Here. Hold this.

Take the saw.

Wait. Just saw. Go ahead.

Together.

- Hey! Hey! Hey, look, Abbott.
- What?

- Got a little piece of the bond.
- Never mind that.

That's about 20 dollars’
worth you threw away.

Get it out.

I never heard anyone
snore like that before.

Don't make any noise.

Hello?

Hello. This is Joe Kelly.

I've been trying to
phone you guys all night.

I made a mistake
about that stock.

What do you mean, a mistake?

Costello bought
the preferred stock.

The one that went up
was the common stock.

That's just dandy.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself!

You!

How dare you?