All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S02E12 Efficiency Experts.DVDRip.HI.en.e-One

[Applause]

Hey, Abbott!

There we are.

Now, let's see what
we've done today.

Well, that's 1,967 today.

That's 1,968.

67.

1,968.

67, Lou.

68.

- Just a minute, Bud.
- Louie, I'm saying 67.

Please.

- Aha.
- Uh-huh?

Listen right there.

Ah, stop! That's where
I made the mistake.

1,968.

- I'm proud of you, Lou.
- Thank you.

And the Global Efficiency
Company is proud of you.

Thank you.

I've been on this
job exactly one week.

I have not made a mistake
yet, and not only that.

I feel just like a square
peg in a round hole.

Good.

Now, I've got to go get
some more envelopes.

You see if you can locate
that Morgan contract in the file.

- I will, Sir.
- Right.

- I...
- Oh!

- Pardon me.
- Excuse me.

What's the matter?
You got a tummy ache?

Oh.

Did you find that
Morgan contract?

Oh, there it is.

Sure, everything's
in fine shape.

Good.

Well, glad to see you, J.J.

- Sit down.
- Thanks.

Henry, I need your help.

Now, don't tell me your business
is in trouble because I know better.

No, thanks, to the efficiency
system you set up for me,

my business is rolling along.

This time I've got
a real problem.

Always glad to
be of service, J.J.

What's your problem?

My two daughters,
Peggy and Doris.

Incredible.

They're beautiful girls.

And good girls, too, but they
think money grows on trees.

And, uh, you want me
to cut down the trees?

Something like that.

I'm flying to Europe
for a business trip,

and I'll be gone a month.

I want you to place one
of your efficiency experts

in my home while I'm gone.

I want you to tell him to put
them on a strict allowance,

veto all parties, give my
daughters the full frugality treatment.

Well, this will take a little doing,
so I'll put two men on the job.

I have two new efficiency
experts. They're knockouts.

I'd like to meet them.

Well, I was just going to their
office to get some data out of the files.

Let's go.

- Place that in your "R" files.
- Right.

- Place that in your "K" files.
- Right.

- You call that a file?
- Best in the world.

I can find anything
here as quick as a wink.

Well, I'm glad to hear
you say that, Costello.

Will you find me the
Williams report for 1932.

Right, Sir, Williams
report, 1932.

Remarkable.

Now find me the 1913
Kenton budget report.

Kenton budget report,
1913. Here you are, Sir.

Sensational, Costello.

Never had such efficiency
in my organization.

Oh, Mr. Dunn, I want to give
you the revised figures of 1919

on that Kenton
budget... Right over here.

See what I mean, J.J.?
These men are terrific.

They'll handle your
problem perfectly.

I'm sure they will.

I want you gentlemen at
my house tonight at 7:00.

I'll give you the details
of your job at that time.

But Mr. Dunn here...

Never mind, Mr. Abbott.
This is company business.

Well, here's a couple of
hundred dollars for expenses.

Thank you, Sir.

$200.

I wonder what kind of
expenses he's figuring on this.

I'll use my own judgment.

So, you see what I'm up against.

Ever since my wife died,

my housekeeper and I have
spoiled Peggy and Doris.

You want us to
put our foot down?

Exactly.

Make them realize that my
bank account is not Ft. Knox.

Well, are you sure
they'll cooperate?

Ha! They'll try to twist
you around their little finger

just the same as they
did me, but don't let them.

This calls for a revolution.

Don't blow your top, Peggy.

We'll give these goons the
good old lover-boy treatment,

kill them with kindness.

You're right, Doris...

Turn on the charm and take
their shirts right off their backs.

If they stick on this job
24 hours, it'll be a miracle.

Come on. Let's get
dressed for battle.

My luggage is in the
car, so I'll be leaving now.

Without saying
good-bye to the girls?

I did that last night.
Why do it again?

They might trap me into buying
them a yacht or something.

Good-bye and good luck.

I'll keep my fingers
and toes crossed.

Abbott, these kids must still like
to play with boats in the bathtub.

Yeah, they'll listen to us.

It's going to be charming to have
two such handsome gentlemen

as our guests.

Not guests... We're
efficiency experts.

And now we would like to
meet Miss Doris and Miss Peggy

and lay the law down to them.

- Yes, Mr. Abbott.
- Please.

- I'll go and tell them you're waiting.
- Immediately.

- Abbott?
- What?

- I don't like this whole thing.
- Why?

These kids are apt to wrap
me around their little finger

and ask me for ice
cream, candy, cake.

Don't do it. Be stern. Be firm.

Don't do as they tell you to
do. Use your own judgment.

Well, if they get a little tough
with me, you know what I'll do?

I'll put them over my knee
and give them a spanking.

That's the idea.

A big handsome man like you

wouldn't put poor little old Peggy
on his knee and spank her, would he?

Papa told us you were coming,

but we didn't expect
such a charming surprise.

- Well, you're not, uh...
- I'm Doris.

I'm Abbott.

- I'm Peggy.
- I'm amazed.

[Speaking indistinctly]

Oh, may I compliment you?

You have such soulful eyes.
They look right into a girl's heart.

You're just so wond...

[Crash]

What's happened?

That silly old statue fell
off the stand and broke.

Oh, I'll get the plastic
cement, and I'll fix it in a jiffy.

I guess I'm pretty clumsy.

Just pretty. Shall we sit down?

As much as I hate to do this, I
must inform you young ladies that...

- We know.
- Papa told us all about it.

You're here to see
that we economize.

We're to cook, do our own
hair, and live like misers.

Well, I'll make us a
snack. You can help me.

Ow! Ohh! Yee-ow!

Clumsy!

I'll help the cost with
a home permanent.

And Lou, you can
be my assistant.

If she ever asks me for
my piggy bank, I'm busted.

- Say, will that stuff work?
- Like magic.

After applying the plastic
cement to the broken edges,

I'll stick them together,

and in seconds, they'll
harden like a rock.

I'll make this nice date
frosting for the pound cake,

and we'll have this and
crushed-olive sandwiches.

Right now I could eat
a great big juicy steak.

Ah-ah, Mr. Abbott,
remember... We're economizing.

All right.

That's a good job.

Ooh, that's a
splendid job, Ruby.

You can go now while Lou
and I give me a permanent.

Oh, this is going to be fun.

Here are the... The
clips and the curlers.

And I... I have the solution.

You may have the
solution. I haven't.

Oh, it's easy.

We're going to use this chair.

Now, will you tuck this
around my neck, please?

Sure.

You don't want me to cut it a
little short on the side, maybe?

[Humming]

Now, take it easy, Lou. I
don't want a butch haircut.

I can take...

I think it looks
pretty good, kid.

It feels wonderful.

Now, how about
giving me a facial?

- A what?
- The mudpack's over there.

- Mudpack?
- Mm-hmm.

This is my business.

Oh, that's so cool
and wonderful, Lou.

- Isn't it nice?
- Oh, it's terrific.

Let's see how you
look with that mustache.

A fresco... boh-oy-ah!

How you coming with the lettuce?

Divine.

How are you doing
with the frosting?

Well, I may be
stretching a point,

but I'll say it's the
best I ever made.

Help, I'm plastered.

Lou, get this
mudpack off my face.

I'm... I'm smothering.

Take it easy. Take it easy, kid.

Don't go no place.
I'll be right back.

Ohh, Lou, help me!

There we are.

Hey, Shorty, where do you
keep the hammer, the chisel,

the saw, and the blowtorch?

- Where's the tools?
- They're in the corner.

In the corner. Oh, boy.

- Well, what happened?
- What happened?

I just gave your sister a
mudpack. I think it's setting.

- Oh.
- Okay. Go ahead.

- Setting?
- A mudpack?

- That sounds like trouble.
- Oh!

Ow.

Ow, Lou.

Ow.

Hey.

She look... She
looks like a zombie.

What have you done to my sister?

- Wait a minute.
- She'll look better...

- What did you put on?
- I put on that plastic cement.

I thought it was the
stuff, the mudpack.

- Plastic?
- Oh, it's hard as a rock!

Well, get it off!

Boy, are you in a mess!

Am I in a mess?

Get a load of this
poor kid over here.

Give me that hammer.

Get out of here!

Oh, do it yourself.

I ain't going to
let you do that.

Give me the hammer.

Give me... Give me the ha-

Hey, it's off.

Oh, it looks wonderful. It's
the best facial I've ever had.

Oh, Lou, you're so marvelous.

You're so efficient.

Get a load of that.

He buries her in cement,
and now he's a hero.

How come?

What do you expect?
I'm an efficiency expert.

Peggy and I will bring in the snacks
while you fellas set up a card table.

- You'll find one in the closet.
- Come on.

Don't get carried away
because that rummy

accidentally improved
your complexion.

Our job's to get rid of them.

I was trying.

I thought having him help
me with that beauty treatment

would be a step
in that direction.

How did I know it was
going to turn out that way?

Well, forget it.

If this cake does
the job I think it will,

it will send him running
out of here in no time.

What's wrong with it?

I put the fingers of
the rubber gloves

into the frosting.

So, if you take cake,
scrape off the frosting.

- Oh, Doris, you're a genius.
- Here, help me with this.

You know, I was just thinking...

You better watch your
step with these two girls.

They're too willing to cooperate.
You know what I mean?

- Too smart.
- Too smart.

There's something rotten
in Denmark. Listen to me.

What do you mean, "There's
something rotten in Denmark"?

Just something rotten
there. I don't know what it is.

I'll find it out. I'll
guarantee as we go along.

What could be rotten in Denmark?

Oh, how do I know? I've
never been in Denmark.

You just made a crack. You said,
"Something's rotten in Denmark."

If you've never been in Denmark,

why are you saying there's
something rotten there?

What are you picking
on Denmark for?

- You're picking on Denmark.
- I'm not picking on...

You said, "There's
something rotten in Denmark."

Just because you can't
get along with nobody.

- Look, that's just a figure of speech.
- Look out!

Get out of the way.

Excuse me just a minute. I
have to make a phone call.

All right.

Would you lift this up? I got
my hand under here, please.

Oh.

Hello, may I speak
with Madame Costa?

Hello, Madame
Costa, how are you?

This is Doris Wentworth.

I'm sorry to call
you at this hour,

but could you send out some
of your newest evening dresses

and Janet and
Fifi to model them?

Good.

Oh, and listen... will you please
tell Fifi to bring that trick dress?

Thank you. Good-bye.

We just had to
dig into the salad

just so we could get
to your delicious cake.

Oh, I hope you like it. I call it
my ladyfinger surprise cake.

Oh, I love surprises.

And I've been dying to taste
that favorite cake of yours.

Oh.

Especially with
the date frosting.

Well, the dates were
imported, you know.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, I hope you like the frosting.

Looks good.

- How's it look to you, Lou?
- Wonderful.

It's good.

Let me ask you... is it proper
to take it with your hand,

or do you got to
take it with a fork?

- Oh, you can use anything you want.
- Oh, either way.

You can use your hand?

I love cake.

Mmm, that looks wonderful, Lou.

Come on, boys. Eat up.

Plenty more.

Isn't that a gorgeous portrait?

That's the finest painting
of McKinley I've ever seen.

McKinley?

Why, that's our grandfather,
Waldo Wentworth.

He owned rubber
plantations in the Far East.

Rubber sort of
runs in your family.

It does. Father
imports rubber tires.

How about the dates?

- Yes. How did you guess?
- Oh, just a rough idea.

[Doorbell sounds]

I wonder who
that can be calling.

So, you see, girls,
we've got to outsmart dad

and those two watchdogs
he sicked on to us.

Oh, it is exciting.
We'll do our best.

Good, Fifi.

Surprise of surprises...

Madame Costa sent
Fifi and Janet over

to show us some of
her newest creations.

Well, this is an
unexpected pleasure.

Fifi and Janet, I'd like
you to meet Lou and Bud.

It is a pleasure to meet
such a magnificent gentleman.

Come on, girls. I'll show
you where you can change.

Just a minute, Miss Wentworth.

We will not allow you to squander
any more money on new clothes.

Well, we can at least look
at the dresses, can't we?

Bud, I don't think
it's going to hurt

to let the girls take
a look at the dresses.

Come on, girls. I'll show
you where you can change.

All right.

Costello!

Did you bring the
breakaway dress with you?

- Did I? I have it on.
- Oh, good.

We'll pull the gag on the
chubby one, and come on right in.

Janet and Fifi
will be right out.

Uh, Lou.

I will now model
this dress for you.

That's all right.

- You like it?
- I like it very much.

Like to dance?

♪ La-lee, de-da-dee,
la-da-da, did-dee-dee ♪

Ohh!

Look what you've
done to this costly dress.

$500 it will cost
me. I will be fired.

No, you won't. He'll pay
for it. Costello will pay for it.

- Who, me?
- Yes.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Maybe Peggy and I can help him.

Come on.

- Who's going to pay for that button?
- What are you doing?

Who's going to
pay for the button?

That was perfect, Fifi.

Now we'll really give
him the business.

That little act will
help us get the jackpot.

Why, you numbskull, I ought
to punch you right in the nose.

Don't be so hard on him, Bud.
We can square the whole thing.

If you agree to buy all the
dresses that they brought here,

they'll forget about
this one you've ruined.

- Is it a deal?
- Wait a minute, now. Wait. Wa-

Come here a minute, Lou.

I said come here a minute.

Come here!

All right, it's a deal.

The boys talked us into
it. We'll buy the dresses.

That was real
nice of you fellas.

For doing you this big favor,
you'll have to take us out tonight.

Well, now, wait a minute.

No, you wait a minute
while we get ready.

Come on, Peggy.

Here.

Take them out. Take them
out. Where can we take them?

It's going to cost money.
You know that, don't you?

- Come here.
- What?

We'll take them to
a drive-in theater.

We'll buy popcorn
and soda, that's all.

Good idea.

And the number is 10.

The winner is 10.

Yep, this is my favorite
game... Checkers.

Ohh!

All right, place your bets,
ladies and gentlemen.

Ah, welcome to the
Wentworth sisters.

The usual $1,000 stack of chips?

Right. Put it on our account.

Just a minute.

- Hey, Abbott.
- Yeah?

- $1,000... the old man will kill us.
- What do you mean?

$1,000 they're going to play.

Well, don't try to stop them
from gambling in here, brother.

- They'll carry us out on a door.
- Who, the girls?

Lou, yes, these guys play rough.

All right, ladies and
gentlemen, place your bets.

Come on, boys. Hop aboard.

Don't worry. I'm going to
get you. I got 10 cents here.

We don't take dime bets.

Well, cover any part of it.

Ohh!

All right, ladies and
gentlemen, all down.

Here we go.

And we're coming
up for a new number,

and the number is 13.

There you are, sucker.

If you'd have played 13,
you'd have cleaned up.

What's the matter... no dough?

I got dough. I got dough.

I'm not an efficiency
expert for nothing.

I got money right there.

Probably counterfeit.

Hey, boss?

Yes, ma'am, do you want me?

Check this guy's credentials.
I never saw him before.

- How about your identification?
- Yes, Sir.

Okay, we're coming out
for a brand-new number.

Here we go. Place your bets.

And the number is 35.

35 is the winner.

Hey, this is for a bicycle.

Come on. Show me some more.

Bicycle club. I like to ride.

The fat boy says let it ride.

And here's your
winner... Number 35.

He does it again.

Is this your name?

- How old are you?
- 35.

The fat boy says
let it ride again.

And here comes another winner.

The number is 35.

35. The fat boy wins again.

He wins again.

The Big Wheel Club?
Never heard of it.

Are you kidding?

There's a lot of
members in that club.

- How many?
- 29.

And fat boy switches
to number 29,

everything on 29,

and let it go.

And the winner is number 35.

Number 35 is the winner.

Hey, hey, hey, give
me... Give me back...

Give me back my bucket
if you know what's...

- Give me...
- Quiet.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

You can't do that to my pal.

Now, this is a public place.
We lost a buck in here.

[Alarm sounds]

Of all the stupid, idiotic, imbecilic,
pusillanimous fools I ever met,

you are the worst.

I take you out of the
gutter and give you jobs.

You show a little promise, so
I give you your big opportunity,

and you blow it sky-high.

As a favor to J.J.
Wentworth, my best client,

I give you the simple little job

of keeping his daughters
from spending money like water.

And what do you
do? What happens?

You break the dam, and
they flood the town with money.

You let them squander
money on clothes,

and not content with that,

you're weak-minded
enough to take them to a...

To a gambling joint,
where they lose $15,000.

And then... then you're
stupid enough to start a fight,

wrecking the joint,
bringing in the police.

It cost me $10,000 to
get those girls out on bail.

Why, I'll have to... To hire
lawyers, pay court costs,

because this is
my responsibility.

Or do you know the meaning
of the word "responsibility"?

And even then
you're not satisfied!

You have to set fire to the
place, start a conflagration!

I am an ambitious man.

I've just branched out
into the insurance business.

Yesterday I issued my
first policy for $180,000,

and who do you think it was for?

Well, I'll tell you!

It was for that nightclub you
deliberately burned down.

You not only blackened
that club with flames,

you blackened my reputation.

I'm finished,
bankrupt, washed-up.

My whole life is ruined!

What have you got to say?

We quit.