All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S01E23 Little Old Lady.DVDRip.HI.en.e-One

[Applause]

How are you?

How are you?

Hello!

Look, Lou, you've got to
stop being such an easy touch

for all these people.

I can't help it.

I-I can't help it if
I'm a chiropodist.

- A what?
- A chiropodist.

- A philanthropist.
- Oh, that's it, huh?

Yes, yes. That's it.

Now, even with Hillary Brooke...
Now, you do like Hillary, don't you?

- Oh, I think she's wonderful.
- Sure you do, Lou.

But not the way you act with
her. You act so dumb and...

You know what you
should do with Hillary?

You should take her out
and wine and dine her.

Take her to a high-class nightspot...
You know, a nice nightclub.

Yeah.

Wine and dine her and buy
her a box of candies and flowers

and fruit and things.

Put her in a taxicab.
Take her home.

Don't even kiss her good night.

Now, that's a cavalier.
That's what we call a cavalier.

- That's what you call a cavalier?
- Sure.

We got the same kind of
guys in Paterson, New Jersey,

only we call them suckers.

Go on!

10 cents for guessers!

Get your
chocolate-covered guesser!

- Hey, wait a minute.
- Ladies and gentlemen.

- Wait a minute.
- I got some sweet...

- What is this all about?
- I'm selling guessers.

I-I'm smart.

- You? You're smart?
- Yeah, I got a business now.

If you're smart, I'm
a monkey's uncle.

I'm smart. Let me see
you hang by your tail.

Ah, would you just stop that.

Get your guessers!
Who would like to buy...

Hey, hey, hey, what
do you got here?

Mike the Cop.

I got guessers, 10 cents...
Chocolate-covered guessers.

Guessers? Well, what
are they? What are they?

Oh. Give me 10 cents
and buy one and find out.

Well, I think I'm
making a mistake.

Oh, no, you're not.
These are really delicious.

All right. Here's your
dime. Here's your dime.

Thank you. Now, try one,
Mike. Go ahead. Try one.

Well, these are nothing but
chocolate-covered mothballs!

Why you...!

See? He guessed it.

I ought to run you in.

Have you got a license
to peddle these things?

No.

Oh, I ought to run you
in. I ought to run you in.

Hey, Mike, Mike, look
at that plane up there!

Now, look, you know that you
and Mike the Cop never get along.

Why do you keep
aggravating him all the time?

Well, I tell you what.

I-I can't help it. It's
just the boy in me.

I ought to smack
you right in the face.

- You going to slap me in the face?
- I'll smack you on the face.

- You're kidding.
- Don't say I'm kidding.

- You mean it?
- I mean it.

- You'd slap me right in the face?
- Right in the face.

- Not around it?
- Not around it.

- Right there?
- You bet your life.

- You serious?
- I'm serious.

- You're not joking?
- I'm not joking.

Let's see you do it.

Now, don't tell me that.

- You did it.
- Yeah.

I ought to take
this, and I ought to...

Don't ever raise
your hand to me, boy.

Don't raise your hand.

Don't raise your hand.

Don't raise your hand.

What are you waiting for?
Why don't you let him have it.

Ah, you!

- Abbott.
- What?

Look at the secondhand
store over there.

That's a funny place
to put furniture, ain't it?

That's not a secondhand
store. Can't you see the stove?

Oh, a sidewalk café.
Let's get something to eat.

Hey, lady, I'll have a
hot dog with mustard.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- What's the matter?

You're all wrong here, boy.

Aah!

Oh!

Ay!

What are you trying to do,
steal a little old lady's needle?

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

I can see it all now.

I recognize that little old
lady from around here.

I've seen her a dozen times.

And the furniture on the
street... She's been dispossessed.

No! That's catching,
lady. That's bad.

No, no, not indisposed,
dispossessed.

That's right. I was thrown
out of my apartment.

You were thrown
out of your apartment?

Way up there?

And you landed in this chair?

- Abbott, that's a good trick.
- Stop.

What do you mean you were
thrown out of your apartment?

You mean somebody threw you
out with all your furniture out here?

Yes.

Because you didn't
have any money?

Because she didn't
have any money.

Abbott, something's got to be
done about this poor, old lady.

Now, listen, Lou.

Now, I've had enough
of this from you.

Every time you find
someone in distress,

you want to help
them right away.

- Wait a minute, Abbott.
- We haven't got any money.

I got $11.78. I
can give it to her.

Hold it.

You've got $11.78?

Yeah. I got that from the budget
from the house for the month.

You've got $11.78?

The whole budget was only $28.

- The gas bill didn't come in.
- The gas...

Just a minute, Sir.

Don't you think you're
being a bit hasty?

This boy's trying to do a
good deed. Why stop it?

Eh, he falls for these
kind of things all the time.

Oh, it's a good cause.

This poor little old lady was
thrown out of her apartment

by a hard-hearted landlord.

She needs money.

Darn tootin'!

And I got $11, and
she's going to have it.

Here you are, little old lady.

Now, let me ask you this... How
much do you owe the landlord?

- I owe him $90 back rent.
- She owes $90.

I'm going to get the
rest of that money.

I don't know where I'll get it,
but I'm going to get the rest of it.

Now, wait a minute.

Are you all through
being a philanthropist?

- Uh, why don't you try smiling?
- Yeah.

Because smiling
makes a man look stupid!

Abbott, I've been
smiling all my life.

See what I mean?

Oh, this poor little
lady needs money,

and I'm sure
she'll appreciate it.

But Joe, you shouldn't do that.

Oh, that's all right,
Mrs. McGillicutty.

I'll charge it to your account.

He must be the landlord.

Get a load of him.

Ohh!

Take it easy.

Listen, poor little old
lady, have no worries.

I'm going to get that
rest of that money.

No matter what,
I'm going to get it.

Oh, thank you, son.

She called me
"son." I got a mother.

All right, come on. Come on.

Come on, come on.

I'll come back, Mother.

I'm taking up a collection for a
poor family by the name of Smith.

Father's in jail.

Mother's at home with
10 starving children.

Won't you help me, brother?
Put something in the cup.

No, you don't. I can see
that gleam in your eyes.

This is a fake. It's a racket,
and I'll prove it to you.

Hey, buddy, we're
in the same racket.

Uh, what is your take
a day with that cup?

Well, I'll tell you, about $2.

$2 a day?

No, no, no. $2 an hour.

$2 an hour? Hey, Abbott, I
got to get one of these cups.

Then I can help the poor lady.

You don't happen to have
one of these cups, do you?

Well, now, it just so happens
that I got one of these at home,

so I'll be willing to
let you have mine.

Ah, thanks!

For $5.

Ah, you big fake.

I could buy one of those in
a five-and-dime for 10 cents.

Oh, but this one is
lined with aluminum.

Just look in there.
Genuine aluminum alloy.

He's right. This one is
lined with aluminum alloy.

That's right, that's right.

And with this cup,
you can make $20, $30,

maybe as high as $50 a day.

Abbott, I've got to have that cup.
Then I can help the poor, old lady.

Yeah, well, make
up your mind quick.

I want $5 for
the cup. That's it.

- I'll give you a quarter.
- That's it.

- Give him a quarter.
- Here.

- There's your cup.
- Thank you, Sir.

Help me, help me, help me.

Eh.

Anybody want to help a poor...

Come on. Put something in
there for a poor, old lady, will you?

Anybody? Would you like
to help a poor, old lady?

I'm going to get something.

I say you did.

- I tell you I did not.
- You did, too.

- I did not!
- I know you did!

- I did not!
- Oh, come on!

I know you didn't put
anything in the cup!

What's the matter with
you people out here?

Oh, come on.

Someone will help a
poor, old lady! I'll show ya!

Now, look, Costello, if you insist
on raising funds for that old lady

in this strange manner,
I'll have no part of it.

I'll see you at the
rooming house.

Well, good. I'll meet you in
front of the rooming-house place.

I'll make a few bucks.

I'll meet you right up by the bottom
of the steps. I'll meet you there.

Who would like to
help a poor old lady

who's been thrown out
of her apartment house

from the third floor?

She landed right on...
On her chair there.

Oh! Like to help?
Like to help, please?

Thank you.

Ay!

Would you like to help
a poor old lady, please?

Would you like to put
some money in the cup?

You say you have a pup?

Yeah. He's cute, too. He's...

No, I...

No, I want you to put some money
in the cup. I want you to donate.

Donate!

I don't eat doughnuts.

Look, all you do is take some money
out of your pocket, drop it in a cup.

That's all there is to it.
You got some money?

Thank you.

Thanks.

MAN: Put something in the
cup for the widows and orphans.

Would you like to put
something in the cup?

Hey, what are you
doing in my territory?

- What are you doing on my beat here?
- This is my beat!

- Ah, no, it ain't.
- Here comes a prospective customer.

Who would like to
help a poor old lady?

Yes, I would like to
help you very much,

but the smallest I
have is a $100 bill.

- Oh, I can change that, all right.
- Oh, can you?

- There you are.
- Thank you very much.

Now, then, can you,
uh, change a dollar bill?

Oh, why, certainly.

Oh, thank you.

All right.

There you are.
There's a dime for you.

Want to help me?

Why? You didn't
help me make change.

Goodbye.

I'm sorry, son, but, you know, things
are getting tough all over right now.

However, if you don't
have any better luck,

why don't you just
drop up and see me?

Where?

Uh, suites 314
to 328 at the Ritz.

Good luck, son.

I never seen
anything like it myself.

- Oh, hello.
- Hello, Hillary.

Mr. Fields, I got something
very sad I got to tell you.

- Go ahead. Ask him.
- And you've got to help us.

There's a poor, little, old lady who
was thrown out of her apartment.

If you're referring to that
old lady down the street

who's been dispossessed,

who's going to stand
good for her rent?

But you can't leave
her out in the street.

That's right, Mr. Fields. You
can't leave her out in the street.

- I can't, huh?
- No.

Well, now, we were figuring
on our credit. I mean, uh...

Credit? You two hoodlums
couldn't raise $1.65 with lend-lease.

Perhaps I can help. My
father has quite a large place.

- Yes, he has a big estate.
- What?

An estate, like a large
place with horses.

Oh, a farm.

Uh, a big house with a
little guesthouse in the rear.

Yeah, just like a farm.

Uh, Mr. Fields, can't you do
something for the little old lady?

I got an idea, Mr. Fields.

If you'll let us bring
this poor, little, old lady

into your apartment house
here, you can put it on our bill.

Your bill?

Well, let's see how
much you owe now.

Let me see here.

Ms. Hillary Brooke.
There's Mike's bill.

Oh, here it is, the
nitwits. That's you.

Uh, you owe $35 back rent,
plus the $7 for the little old lady.

That'll make $42.

And plus $3 for the use
of the electric washer.

Wait.

Hey, wait a minute, Mr. Fields.
We never use the electric washer.

Sorry. It was there for you.

If you didn't use it, it
was no fault of mine.

Hey, wait a minute. How
much you say we owe?

$45.

Well, take off $40 for
kissing my girlfriend, Hillary.

Why, I've never
kissed Hillary Brooke.

Well, that's no fault of
mine if you didn't kiss Hillary.

It was there for you.

[Applause]

- I want to tell you something, Bud.
- What?

All during the first
half of the show,

when we were helping
that poor, little, old lady,

it made me think
of my own mother.

Isn't that wonderful?

And that I haven't written to
my mother in the last two weeks.

That's just the way
the audience feels, Lou.

It's that motherly touch.

What's that?

Since I left that little old lady, I
wrote a letter to my own mother.

Aw, that's swell of you,
Lou. I'm so proud of you.

What did you say, Lou?

"Dear Mom..."

"Dear Mom." I can
see that so plain.

- She's going to love it.
- Oh, she'll love it.

- "Dear Mom..."
- Yes?

"I'd like to hear
from you more often,

even if it's only $5 or $10."

"$5 or $10..."

Come on over to
the rooming house.

We have a nice,
comfortable place for you.

Oh!

Come on, now. We've
got a lot of work to do.

Hey, wait a minute. There's
something fishy here, boy.

- Look at that fur coat.
- What's the matter with this fur coat?

Hey, now, she could
have raised money on...

Sure, that's mink.

- Abbott, this is not mink.
- That's mink.

This says, "Not mink."

If it's not mink, what is it?

[Dog barking]

Does that answer your question?

I think this is black rabbit.

Never mind what it
is. Give me that stuff.

We got to get all this
over across the street.

Get ahold of that.

- Come on! Do some work, will ya?
- Okay.

- Pick it up. Pick it up.
- Okay.

Attaboy. Now, go
ahead across the street.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Go on.

Oh, there you are.

Hey, how did you beat me
on this side of the street?

Why, you dope, you're
right where you started from.

Are you kidding?

I brought this chair across all
the way out into the other side.

You can see... Where's
the furniture over there?

- Abbott, the furniture?
- Like this stuff here.

Oh! The furniture.

What are you doing, boys?

Well, we've got all this
old furniture and junk.

We've got to get it off
the street because...

I understand. I'll
give you a hand.

Come on. We'll
throw it all in the truck.

Yeah, swell. Come on.
Get ahold of this stuff.

Now, now. Don't throw it.
Just put it up on the truck.

PARROT: I hope these
guys know what they're doing.

Well, I guess that's
it. I'm about loaded.

- Thanks a lot, pal.
- Thanks a lot.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Phew.

How dumb can one get?

You gave that poor, old
woman's furniture away.

How did I know that that
was a Salvation Army truck?

Aw, shut up.

PARROT: "Fuck them."

What did you say?

I didn't say nothing.
That was Polly.

Oh.

Well, that's about the
only thing that's left.

Do you think you can
get that across the street

without causing a riot?

I'll get him across.

PARROT: I want
police protection. Help!

Police protection.

Hello, Polly. How you been?

PARROT: Pretty girl.

[Whistles]

Fresh.

Give me a hand with this
couch. Take it across the street.

Let's bring it over
there. Come on.

Pick it up.

Come on, come on.

Watch out. Watch
out for the cars.

Hey, Abbott, look, I tell
you what. Come here.

Now what?

I got to sit down, and I
got to figure this thing out.

Hey!

Thanks a lot there,
buddy boy, pushing.

Now, come on. Let's
get this thing going.

- MAN: All right.
- Let's get it right up.

Oh, oh, oh. Wait a second here.

Where are you
going with that thing?

I got to bring it back.

I got to put it with the
rest of the furniture.

You don't put nothing what
belongs to me back someplace else.

You make a deposit, I give you.

Mr. Sam, it don't belong to
you. It belongs to a little old lady.

Wait a second here.

You don't take nothing
from here unless you pay!

Do you hear that?

I ain't going to buy it!

You... you want to
take that for nothing?!

I'm not going to
take it for nothing!

I ain't going to buy it!

Don't holler at me. I
hear you very good.

Now, listen, I think that
when the stork brought you,

he must have knocked
on the door with your head.

That wasn't that funny.

All right, all right, all right.
What's the matter, Sam?

What are you up to
now? What are you doing?

He tried to take away that.

He smacks me in
the head with the hat.

- Look, there's a lump standing.
- Oh, uh-huh.

Trying to steal, huh?

Trying to steal this
man's property?

Well, I'm going to
take you in. Come on.

Now, wait a minute! I didn't...

Wait a minute. Thank
goodness you're safe.

- Do you know what you're doing?
- Do I know what I'm doing?

Do you know what you're doing?

Does he know what he's
doing? Here's a cop over here...

Wait a minute. Let
me straighten it out!

Here's a cop that's trying
to pull me in and pinch me

for taking something
that belongs to an old lady.

- You stole that!
- No, that belongs to a poor old lady.

- This belongs to a poor old lady.
- Oh, so it doesn't belong to you?

Put away that stick.
How do I know?

Thought I was going
to pinch him for it.

Come here, come here, come here.

Now, I apologize. I apologize.

- Well, you should.
- I'm sorry.

Never accuse
this boy of stealing.

Why, Costello's got a heart
as big as a watermelon.

Yeah, with a stomach to match.

Oh, stop that, now! Stop that!

Don't you pull that
Stinky stuff on me.

Now, wait a minute.
Just a minute, Mike.

Lou's as honest
as any one of us.

I remember when
he was a little kid,

he was unjustly accused
of stealing 38 cents.

He ran away from home.

Where did he go?

Where can you go on 38 cents?

Oh.

Hello, boys.

I just put the little old
lady in my apartment.

And what about the furniture?

Uh, he gave it away
to the Salvation Army.

I did not!

Hillary, he helped
me load a truck.

You did it yourself.

Well, you know, I think I know
how you can replace that furniture.

How?

Well, Mr. Fields told
me that he's going down

to take over his brother's
concession at the amusement park.

You know, you might
be able to win the money.

You mean you're going to do
a little gambling down there?

- Why not?
- Can we gamble down there?

Sure.

Mr. Fields... he's a big dope.

We got to win the money
for that poor, old lady.

Good idea.

People, ring the
bell, win the prize.

Eh, big muscle, win the prize.

Come on, Hercules. You try it.

That's Hercules?

He's going to try it.

Ohh!

[Indistinct speaking]

Excuse me.

Aah!

Please, please.

All I did to that guy
was go like that.

- That doesn't hurt you, does it?
- Come on! No touching!

You too?

Oh, come on. Give me that thing.

I'll show you how to do it.

Stand back.

All right, lady. Win
the prize. 25 cents.

That's nothing.

You never could
do anything right!

Here. Let me show you.

- Hold my hat.
- How much is it?

All right. 25 cents,
you win a prize.

Go ahead. Ring the bell.

- Watch way up there.
- He'll hit that bell.

Look up there, not down here.

That's nothing.

I can't see it.

Hey, go ahead. You try it.

I can't do nothing.

- You didn't do it?
- No.

- You want to try ringing the bell?
- How much do I win if I hit the bell?

- You win a nice prize.
- Yeah?

Go ahead. Hit it.

Oh!

You've got to be crazy.
You could be nuts.

ABBOTT: Take it easy.

Come on. Hit it. Send it up.

Come on. Win the
prize. Win the prize.

Over here, over here, over here.

- Over here.
- Hit that.

No, no, no, no, no! Not me.
Over here. Hit this thing here.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Wake up, wake up.

Attaboy.

Now show them
how strong you are.

[Ding]

You know, this is a
wonderful carnival.

Now, there. There you
are, King of the Beasts.

You know, I used to hunt
these things in Africa?

Look, Bud, I don't care about
you hunting lions in Africa.

Let's go hunt some
money for the poor, old lady.

We'll get money for her,
but talking about lions, Lou,

when I was in Africa, I
used to hunt these lions.

I used to... I used
to terrify these things.

I'd look right in their mouth.

I'd look in their eyes
like that, and I'd say,

"I can lick you the
best day you ever lived."

The darlings of the midway,
the little number girls from 1 to 10.

- Well, hello, Mr. Fields.
- Hello, boys.

Say, this is quite a wonderful
affair, this charity thing here.

- And it's going to be a big success.
- Of course.

- Where's all the action, though?
- Right here!

Here?

This is the finest booth
in the whole grounds.

Oh. Get a load of this.

You not only have fun, but you
might win a little money besides.

- How?
- Well, very simple.

You see these girls all have
numbers on from 1 to 10, right?

Yes.

Now, all you have to do is go
over and pinch a girl on the cheek.

I turn my back, and I
guess the number you picked

without looking for
any amount of money.

Wait a minute. Without looking?

- Right.
- You turn your back?

$10.

You mean I go over
there and pinch a girl,

you're going to
tell me which one?

- Wait a minute.
- I-I don't think he can do that.

- $10 says you can do it.
- All right.

There you are.
I'll hold the money.

Go ahead.

- Turn your back.
- All right.

- Turn your back. Now, don't look.
- No looking.

Uh, turn your back like
that. I'm going over there.

I'm going to pinch #3,
and I don't want you to look.

Eh, you don't tell him
what you're going to...

You don't tell him.

You pinch it.

I'm not going to tell you
that I'm going to pinch 3.

- You're not going to pinch.
- No. I'm not going to do it.

- Turn your back.
- Turn your back.

- I'll pinch a number.
- Go ahead.

Shh!

Take it easy.

Yeah, pinch one.

All right, all right.

All right, he pinched one.

- Oh, have you picked a number?
- Yes.

Is the number odd or even?

Odd.

Odd.

Is the number between 2 and 4?

Uh-huh.

Number 3.

How'd he do that?

He hit it just like that.

- How'd you do that?
- Wonderful, huh?

Want to try it again?

- Hey, I don't get that.
- Huh?

"Odd or even," he
said. I don't get that.

Wait a minute. Come here.

- Pardon me just a minute.
- That's all right. Have fun.

Hey, wait a minute.

Odd or even... We
can do the same thing.

- Yeah?
- That's simple.

Yeah?

Look. You turn your back,
let him go and pinch one,

and uh, whatever
number he pinches,

I'll hit you on the
back that many times.

You're going to hit me on
the back with what, your hand?

Well, I'll get... Here,
here, a newspaper.

Say he picks #3, like you did.

I'll do this.

See what I mean?

Go on. Take a number.

You do it.

I'm going to tell
you what number.

Go on. Take a number. Go ahead.

- You're going to play my game?
- Yeah.

You pick a number, then he's
going to hit me on the back...

No, no.

- Will you keep quiet, please?
- Okay.

And without that,
uh, odd or even stuff.

I'm going to do it
without odd or even.

Let me get this straight?

He is going to guess
the number that I picked?

That's right.

He can't do it.
His brain is 2/10.

Too tense?

Yeah, 2/10 the size
of a normal brain.

That I know,
but he'll still do it.

- $20 says he can't do it.
- $20 says he can.

- All right. Turn your back.
- Go ahead. You hold it.

Turn your back.
Don't look at the man.

All right. Turn your backs now.

All right.

- No, no.
- No looking. Don't cheat.

- Don't... Don't look.
- I'm a snitch.

All right. I got a
number. I pinched it.

What number did he pick?

That's a hard one.

Two!

That's right.

By George, that's wonderful.
But you can't do it again.

I'll bet you $40 you
can't do it again.

Put it right down there.

- All right. There's the money.
- Hold on to it.

All right. Now let me see.

- Hold up.
- Go ahead.

All right. I pinched the number.

Six... Seven!

I distinctly heard
you say “six."

- I said seven!
- I want a recount!

I stutter! I didn't say six!

I said, "s-s-s-seven!"

Seven. That's
right. He said seven.

- There's something fishy about this.
- No, he said seven.

- Want to do it once more?
- Sure.

All right. Double up.

As long as your
money can hold out.

There you are.

Why don't you pick out #7 again?

I'll pick. You make this...

Well, she's a pretty girl.

Make this boy turn his
back. I'll pick a number.

Get ready, kid.

Go ahead. Pick a hard one now.

He did.

Hmm?

He did.

Picked one already?

- You pick a number?
- I certainly did.

Let me have it.

He didn't pick a number.
He picked a doughnut.

We going to eat now?

Wait a minute.

Go ahead. Pick a number.

Come on! Pick a number!

He did pick a number!

Then what are you waiting
for?! Hit me on the back!

Oh!

- Hillary, where's Grandma?
- There she is, Louis.

Oh, Grandma, got
some good news for you.

I got more money than I
really wanted to get for you.

- I got $300 for you.
- Oh!

Grandma, I hope you
don't mind how I got it.

I was gambling for it.

Oh, you are sweet.

Oh, you're nice, too, Grandma.

Oh, Louis, I'm proud of you.

I've got to give you
a great, big kiss.

Hello, Joe. How's Grandpa Max?

Not so good?

That's too bad.

I don't care if he is 20-to-1.

I want $300, right on the nose.

[Applause]

- You know, Lou.
- I'll never get over that.

No.

I-I... Personally, I didn't
quite go for that little old lady

betting on that horse.

It didn't seem
proper. Did it to you?

No. Didn't seem proper that
she should bet, uh, like that.

- She's such a fine little old lady.
- She's a nice little old lady.

- Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
- I got to know her better.

- I must know her better.
- What are you doing with this?

Hey!

What are you doing
with all that money?

That poor, little, old
lady? Remember?

Yes.

- Grandpa Max?
- She bet on Grandpa Max.

- 20-to-1?
- Yes.

- Across the board?
- Across the board.

He won. The kid's loaded.

Come on.

[Applause]