All language subtitles for Who Killed Santa? A Murderville Murder Mystery (2022)

Jason Bateman and Maya Rudolph
are about to guest star

on the Murderville Christmas Special.

But here's the catch, everyone
has been given a script... except them.

Hi, my name's Jason Bateman.
I am here doing Murderville.

I'm Maya Rudolph.

I'm about to do Murderville.

I have been given no script.

- I have not been given a script.
- What I know is next to nothing.

I love that I didn't have to
learn any lines.

I've seen no actors.
I've seen no sets.

I'm going to have to figure out
who the murderer is.

And that makes me nervous.
So, I don't know who's here,

what's happening...
...and what I'm going to do,

which I'm delighted by.

The holidays,

a magical time each year
when we set aside our differences

and unite around one common belief,
that Christmas sucks ass.

At least that's what I used to think.
My name is Terry Seattle.

I'm a senior homicide detective
with a failed marriage

and moderate to severe
plaque psoriasis.

And this is a story of one magical night,
when my whole world changed.

Bingo.

- What is it Rhonda-slash-Chief?
- Merry Christmas, Terry.

Is it? Is it a merry Christmas?

I'll be quick, 'cause I'm in
Hawaii with Daz,

we booked paddle boarding lessons.

Did I forget to cash
an alimony check again?

Yes, but that's not why I'm calling.

Mayor Palmer's hosting
City Hall's annual holiday party,

and there's been a mix up.

She needs someone to run security details,
so get down there ASAP.

Just 'cause I hate Christmas,
doesn't mean I want to work.

Besides, one person
can't handle that event.

- Which is why I got you a new partner.
- What?

No. Chief, come on!

I'll text you the details. Have fun!

I hope you fall off the paddle board,
then sharks circle you.

But don't eat... Ah, she hung up.

I heard you the first time.

Hey.

Well, if it isn't the Ghost
of Christmas ass.

That's not complimentary.

- Good to see you.
- Come on in.

You are Detective Seattle perhaps,
I hope.

Look at this guy,
already got questions.

- Pop a seat right here.
- Yep.

- Can I come around?
- I wish you would.

Hi.

Is this breakfast?

You always talk when you're nervous?

- Let's start with the basics.
- Okay.

- What's your name?
- Jason.

- Bateman.
- Okay.

What's your profession before
you became a homicide trainee?

I used to be an actor. I'm looking for

- a career change.
- Kicked out?

- No, not kicked out.
- Close?

- No, it was totally voluntary.
- What kind of roles would you play?

Just a normal, average, dumb white guy.

- That makes sense.
- Sorry?

You come waltzing in here,
thinking you can do my job.

- No.
- I don't...

- You ever worked security before?
- No, I have not.

I got three callbacks for one
security part, but didn't get that one.

- Like a commercial?
- Huh?

No, no. How dare you.

We're gonna be working
a security detail down at City Hall.

Number one thing
is threat assessment.

Think you'd be good at that?

- Well, I...
- See any threat around you right now?

- I see a lot of VHS tapes.
- Jason Bateman,

do you see any other kind of threat
other than these items?

Is there anything threatening to you?

- Nothing at all in front of me.
- Huh.

Sit down!
Sit down!

You see that?

You did not assess the threat!
Sit down!

You let a raving lunatic into my home!

Lucky for you, it was
my former trainee, Marshawn Lynch.

- Holy. Good Lord.
- Shit!

- Big fan.
- The best damn

homicide trainee I ever had.

- You did not assess the threat.
- He wasn't in the room yet.

Exactly. You should be thinking
about outside of the room.

- Is there more trouble outside?
- You tell us.

Is everybody going to die?
Are we going to die

- in your hands, Jason Bateman?
- I don't want that to happen.

- How can I help?
- You gotta stay alive.

- Okay.
- Put your face in here.

Look at this guy. Listen to him.

- Shit, that is the fucking Ozark dude.
- Thank you.

- You're the best.
- No problem, Chief.

Make yourself at home,
whatever you want.

- That's it for him?
- He's going to chill out.

It's Christmas.
Let's get out of here.

Let's do it.

All right, hang on a second. Uh-oh.

This is just
something from the chief here.

What size booties do you wear?

Turns out the holiday party
was short an elf,

so Jason was pressed
into emergency service.

Little did we know his job would soon go
from spreading cheer,

to solving murder.

Look at this.

- They smudged their names.
- Pretty smeary.

Amateur hour.
You guys never heard of a Sharpie?

You ready?
How you feeling? Feeling good?

I'm happy now. We're at a party.

Good. The Mayor said that
she needed Santa's elf

as a helper, I wanna know
you're here to help.

- Are you here to help?
- I'm here to help.

Are you getting into a holiday outfit?

I need you looking alive,
looking for threats.

Look at all these presents. Wow!

These are incredible.

What, do we just
grab one of these... Angus?

Angie, and no.
This toy drive is for the local orphanage.

Later, Santa will deliver
the gifts to the kids.

Oh my gosh! Noise canceling headphones!
These are the best.

- You ever used these before?
- I'd love some right now.

- They cancel out the noise.
- Yep.

- Can I have these?
- Absolutely not.

- Each present is for a specific orphan.
- Wow.

These orphans, parents die
and people just give you presents?

- Wish my parents had just died like that.
- Grab those.

- Three presents?
- No, these.

Stuff 'em in. In your vest.

I've always wanted a pair of these.

You got it? Zip 'em right in there.
That looks good.

- Detective.
- Mayor Palmer, how are you?

Detective Seattle, thank you
for coming on short notice.

And you must be?

- Jason, trainee.
- How good are you, Jason?

- I can be the best, the best ever.
- Great.

You're practiced at being an elf?

I feel like I've got the outfit on
and ready to go.

Do you have, like, a...
maybe, like, an elf dance?

That'd be great.

Yeah, let's see that.

- Okay.
- And sort make,

- like a song, an original song.
- Yeah.

- Caw caw caw!
- That'd be...

Not mine.

- Hang on.
- Wow.

Sorry, I brought these for the orphans.

They look like
the one you had before.

- Damn it.
- Ready?

- Let's do it.
- Come here, listen to Santa.

He'll tell you what's going on.

- Ho ho ho!
- Stand right here, next to Santa.

My little elf helper has arrived.

Okay, don't be distracted
by all this Christmas crap.

You're here for threat assessment.
Keep your eyes peeled for any danger.

- Terry, can I talk to you for a second?
- Yep.

Alright, Terry, I really need
tonight to go smoothly.

No problems. I'm down in the polls,
I can't take the negative PR.

Mayor Palmer,
don't you worry about it, okay?

Nothing's going to go wrong.
Terry Seattle is on the case!

Here we go.

Oh, my God, Jason!
I leave you alone for two seconds,

and Santa gets shivved?

I didn't do it. Should we take it out?

- Seems like he might still be alive.
- Oh, my God. Santa!

- Santa, what happened?
- Someone stabbed me with a candy cane.

That part is so apparent, Santa,
and sticking out of your chest.

Who did it?

Butter.

- Butter?
- Butter?

He said "butter" as his last words.

What does that mean?
Does that mean anything to you?

You look like you consume a lot of butter.

I've been trying to cut down on that.

- Oh God! Johnny.
- Johnny?

- Johnny...
- Johnny, who... Here, take off the beard.

Oh, Jesus.
You dragged Sean Hayes into this?

Man. Legendary quarterback
John Blaze, Hall of Famer.

Johnny was going to help
deliver presents to the orphans.

Then throw a football
over the orphanage.

Well, looks like
his life plans got intercepted.

- That's wonderful.
- Thank you.

Is he still alive a little bit?
He might need mouth to mouth.

- I'd love to.
- Let's see if that'll bring him back.

- Johnny,
- Let's see...

But now he's turning away from me.

- Get in there.
- I've gotta plug and open. Plug and open.

- Get him.
- Plug and open.

Is he still holding?

- And opening.
- Save him.

He seems alive to me.
That seemed to do it.

Oh, he died again.

Well, we can't say we didn't try.
Okay, listen up, everybody.

Legendary quarterback

John "Johnny" Blaze was murdered.

And his killer... is in this room.

Mayor Palmer, we have to
shut this whole place down.

Oh no, we can't lock down the building.

We have to deliver those presents
by Christmas morning.

- If we don't, it'll be a PR disaster.
- How long we got till sunrise?

- Seven hours, 14 minutes.
- Wow, that was so specific.

Okay, well, until then,
nobody can leave this building.

- Okay?
- Fine.

But you better find the killer by dawn,

because if those presents
don't go to the kids,

my political career is toast.

And you better believe if I go down,
I'm taking you with me.

I can't imagine I can go
further down than I already am.

Oh, my God!

Grab her chair.
Grab that chair. Let her sit down.

Sit her right down.
Sit down, there she is.

We're trapped! I can't do this!
We're all gonna die!

She's having a panic attack.
You gotta calm her down.

You gotta calm down.

♪ Sweet little baby, don't you cry ♪

No, you are the worst at this.
Do something calmer.

She can't... Oh no, no, no.

I just want to go home
and be with Mr. Whiskers.

- Who's Mr. Whiskers?
- My kitty.

- He always calms my fragile nerves.
- Well, you're an actor.

- Be a kitty?
- Yeah. Mr. Whiskers can't be here

- but we do have Master Bateman.
- Mr. Bateman.

Just get on all fours like a cat.
Get on all fours and be a kitty.

There you go.
There you go.

He is kind of nice.
Come on, jump up.

There we go, just lean across her.

- There's a soft side of me.
- Clean. Clean.

There we go.
Little kitty. What else...

You want some milk, don't you?

- Yes, please.
- Milk!

Right down... There we go.

There he is, he'll get down
on all fours in the milk. Here we go.

And then get right in there, okay.
And eyes up. Eyes up.

- Mmm, almond.
- Eyes up. Lick it eyes up.

There we go.

- I'm feeling better.
- Okay, good.

- Thank you, detective.
- Good.

- You're a saint.
- You got it.

Get up,
you're embarrassing yourself!

What are you doing?

God, that's humiliating.

Payback's going to be tough.

- Yeah.
- I got a long time to think about it.

Lock it up.
No one comes in or out.

All right, listen. You were there
when Santa got murdered.

You remember anything?
You hear any unusual sound?

I just remember a little bit of a squeal.

- A squeal?
- Yep.

That was all?
You didn't hear any other sound?

- You didn't hear...
- I think I did hear...

Yes, I did. There were three bells
and then the lights came on.

- You heard three bells? I'm not crazy?
- Maybe it was five. It was... ching ching.

Like a Christmas type of shaky thing.

All right, let's examine the body,
shall we?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Gosh.
Amber at point.

- You got here quick.
- I came as soon as I heard.

Amber Kang, forensics.

This is homicide trainee,
Jason Bateman, in an elf costume.

Let's take a look.
Whaddya think, J?

- Pop down here real quick.
- Yep.

Amber, how was Santa killed
with just a candy cane?

By it being sharpened
to a fine peppermint point.

- You see how smooth that taper is?
- Yeah.

You can't get that with a knife.

You can only get that by licking it.

It in order to lick that much...

- must have loved mint.
- And licking.

I guess, and licking, too.

A Santa hater, but a great licker.

Why don't you examine
the rest of the body?

See if there's anything
you can find here.

- Is there anything here?
- We've got... hang on a second.

- We've got somebody's name tag.
- Let me grab it.

The name is smudged.

It's possible that, that is the name tag
of the person Santa was struggling with.

That he grabbed it off
of whoever killed him.

Mayor, can you think of anybody here
who had a relationship with Johnny Blaze?

Yeah, there is one.

Jim Trentley.

- Jim Trentley?!
- Absolutely.

Sports reporter from Channel Five News?

- Yeah.
- Do you know Jim?

- I love his show.
- The two of them were really close.

So Jim's in the bar,
he's pretty shaken up.

Jim's in the bar.

Sounds like we got
ourselves our first suspect.

Mr. Trentley.

Only my wife's divorce attorney
calls for Mr. Trentley.

Call me Jim.

Oh, well.

Senior Detective Terry Seattle.

Big fan, and sorry about your divorce.

Yeah, it's fine.

Hey, I got myself a new little lady,
and she has got a pair

of magic hands,
if you know what I'm talking about.

Okay.

Jason's got some questions here
that he needs to ask you.

Just routine stuff.

That's funny, because,
I'm usually the one

asking the questions.

Hey, hey. What do you think
your team did, huh?

You think you'll make it into playoffs?

Hey!
This is what we're going to do.

Okay?
You're going to ask the question.

You're an interviewer.
That's the microphone.

You're going to be cameraman,
big man, cameraman.

- Here he comes.
- Okay.

That's your camera.

We're going to do a classic, old school
locker room interview, all right?

- I'm going to get ready.
- Okay.

Boy, he's a character, huh?

- Don't drink my peppermint schnapps!
- Don't know how this is gonna go.

- He seems... You got your...
- Go over a few questions.

- You got some questions there?
- Should I run...

- Okay, I'm ready!
- I guess you could...

Let's roll camera!

Okay.

- Oh, boy. Hey...
- Hey there.

Folks, thanks for hanging out.
I was just hitting the showers.

You know?

Like a locker room interview.

You got some questions for me?

Can you describe your relationship
with Johnny Blaze?

Johnny Blaze and I met 15 years ago,
became golfing buddies.

- You played golf with Johnny Blaze?
- Yes, I did. Every Thursday.

Johnny always won.

I got a hell of a drive,
but my short game's for crap.

You know, it's my putter!
That's why I lost all that money to him.

You know, and whatever I owed him,
it would just go on my tab.

How much money did you lose to Johnny?

Well...

About $9 million.

Wow.

- You lost $9 million to Johnny Blaze?
- It was my damn putter.

I could never get...
my short game's for crap.

- Yeah, I don't know, golf's hard...
- Roger that.

Was the money that you owed
a source of tension between you two?

- $9 million, safe to bet it was.
- Tension.

Come on, now.

We would never let money
get in between us, boy.

Even when he called in
the whole debt, recently.

Um... he called in the debt?

Oh yeah, of course he did.
Last week he called in the debt.

Said he needed the cash for some
business ventures he was doing, you know?

And, you know, when you think about it,
me not owing him $9 million

is really the only positive thing
to come out of this whole sad event.

What you're saying is you recognize that
you would have had...

take some deep bends.

Um, you...

Him, now dead,
you would no longer need to...

uh, pay him the $9 million.

Uh...

- Try downward dog, while we're at it.
- All right, well, if you say so.

- He's a true ginger. I'll give him that.
- He's a true ginger. He's super flexible.

He's very flexible
and not afraid to do it.

Well, thanks for your time, Jim.
I do have one request,

and I feel bad asking.

- You want an autograph?
- I would love one.

- That's alright, here you go.
- He's got his own.

- I come with my own headshot.
- Cool. Senior Detective Terry Seattle.

- T-E-R-R-Y.
- To my new best friend, Toby Skedaddle.

- Here you go.
- Close enough.

But you know what I want?
Now come on.

Oh, yeah. Oh, God!

You're a good hugger.

After a rocky start, Jason and I
were finally clicking as partners.

We were ready to track down more suspects.
But fate, and Mayor Palmer,

had other plans.

Where have you two been?

- Well...
- Uh... Sorry, it took a second

just to convince Jim
to put his clothes back on, it got dicey.

We're here at your service,
we're really on top of this.

Are you? It seems clear to me you're
not able to handle this on your own.

- Well...
- We're doing our best.

- We are...
- I don't think so.

- And that's why I've called in backup.
- What?

No, no, no. Come on, Mayor.
Last thing I need is another idiot

- that I got to babysit up in here.
- Boy.

- Okay?
- I'm excited.

- Well.
- Come on out, Maya.

This is such a mistake.

Here you go.

- Stand right here, please.
- Okay. Hi.

Detective, Jason. This is Maya Rudolph.
She's on your team now.

- Incredible to meet you.
- Great to meet you.

- Hi.
- Senior Detective Terry Seattle.

- Maya Rudolph.
- Maya.

- It's great we got help.
- Just great.

I need all of you to find the killer
and close this case.

- You understand?
- Yeah, got it.

Great. Now, Terry, you have five hours
before the sun rises and your career sets.

Wow.

- Thought it'd be another...
- Super menacing.

- Five hours? A lot of time.
- So you work together.

Now we're all working together?

- What does your gut tell you so far?
- Nothing, I just got here.

- Santa Claus is dead.
- I'll tell you what.

Jason, why don't you
tell Maya what's happened?

- Really, Santa Claus is dead?
- Tell her what's happened.

Only got about 20 seconds.
Here we go.

- Johnny Blaze...
- Yeah.

- ...was a football player.
- Okay.

He's now dead. He was playing Santa.

- Okay.
- So, Santa

- was killed by a sharp candy cane...
- Object? Okay.

...that was made
into a point through licking.

- That was made sharp from licking?
- Lick made the point.

Lick made the point, Santa's dead,
Johnny Blaze is not dead, though.

- Johnny Blaze is dead.
- Johnny Blaze is dead.

Johnny Blaze is dead.
And there was a naked sports caster.

He's a ginger, too.
He seemed pretty guilty.

- The naked guy?
- Yeah! And drunk,

and he owed Johnny Blaze $9 million.

- We don't know who killed Santa?
- Why we're here.

- We're gonna figure it out.
- Obviously.

Okay. I feel I'm up to speed.
I don't know where we are.

Where are we now?
Tell her that.

We're in an office building.

- No, where does the mayor work?
- The mayor works at big city, right?

In any city, where does the mayor...

- City Hall.
- There we go.

I gotta tell you something,
this is a disaster.

- No.
- Why?

Hello? I'm calling for Johnny Blaze.

I need to cancel his massage
appointment tomorrow.

No, he's not rescheduling.

Did you just hear that?
She works for Johnny Blaze.

We need to go
and see what she knows.

About Johnny. Yep, let's do it.

Obviously about Johnny,
not what she knows about other stuff.

And we don't know who killed him?

We got to find out
because otherwise the orphans

aren't going to get their toys,
and then

the other thing that'll
get murdered is the spirit of Christmas.

It's true. All these gifts
are for the orphans.

"Get murdered."

Okay. Okay, cool.

We put suspect number two
in an office

to sweat for a bit
before interrogating her.

But getting her to talk
would be our toughest mission yet.

Oh, my God. Can somebody please tell me
why I'm being held in here?

First, let's just get
the intros out of the way.

I am Senior Detective Terry Seattle.

We're going to start right at
the beginning here. What is your name?

I'm Mia Briggs,
and I was Johnny's personal assistant.

- How come you're wearing his name tag?
- I was gonna ask.

This is actually mine.

Johnny said remembering
the name Mia was impossible,

- so he called me Johnny.
- We're gonna ask you about Johnny.

- I can't answer anything.
- Why not?

I signed an ironclad NDA.
Can't answer anything to do with him.

- Ironclad NDA? Not a regular NDA?
- It was very intense.

We don't have time
to get to the bottom of this.

We're going to do something
I call good cop, bad cop, Terry style.

Jason, you're a good cop.
Maya, you're a bad cop.

If things don't work out,
switch roles. So look for cues.

- You're good.
- You're good, you're bad.

You're going to be answering
some questions right now!

- Hey, Mia.
- Right here.

I'm gonna sit, but not talk.

Okay, let's see about that.

- Get over here.
- Let's see about that.

- Right here. Good cop, bad, go!
- You look awesome today,

That color's very pretty
on your complexion.

When's the last time you saw
your boss alive?

This morning.

- Yeah, you murder him?
- I can't talk about him.

I don't even know why
I answered those.

Defensive much?

- You don't want to get her upset?
- Switch it.

You're gonna answer the question

or you're going to get
carted out of here on a stretcher.

- I'm not answering.
- Sweetie, I just have a couple questions.

- I love your sweater.
- We need something helpful from you.

I can't talk about him.

We got to try new kinds of cops.

Maya, French cop,
Jason, Italian cop.

Mia...

Smoke.

Forget about it.

Forget about it!
What you think you know?

And tell me what I need to know.

You know what I think?
You Americans put too much

ketchup on your hamburgers.

At the Olive Garden,
when you're here, your family.

When you're here...

Singing cop.

♪ Let me ask you a couple of questions ♪

♪ Did you murder your boss? ♪

Liam Neeson cop.

- I will protect you.
- Pretty good!

- Pretty good.
- Okay, Maya, working class British cop.

I'm gonna give you
five fucking minutes, right?

And then you're going to fucking tell me.
What the fuck.

Only speaks in robot sound-bleeps.

Okay. We need...

- some answers out of you.
- No words, just bleeps.

Listen, you don't want to get
the robot mad.

He'll fucking punch you, right?

Rick Astley cop.

♪ Never going to arrest you
Because you're my best friend ♪

♪ Never going to arrest you, Mia ♪

- Is that enough for you?
- I'll talk!

There it is.

- We did it.
- You're running point on this.

Ask about her job
working for Johnny.

- Yes, I have questions.
- Yeah.

Okay. What were your responsibilities?

I had his calendar.
I would drive him places.

- Okay.
- I faked an ADHD condition

- so that he could snort my Adderall.
- Wait, what?

One time, he had me drive through
a tornado to get to Sam's Club

because he said, quote,
"I need all of the butter."

Wait, hang on. Sorry.

I have to do this really quick.

- What's that?
- Okay, so Johnny said that

my breath smelled like
a wet sneaker with gonorrhea.

So he asked me to spray my mouth
with mint every five minutes.

So he said unkind things
to you often and you like mint?

It seems to me...
I'm just going to put this out there...

- Johnny's a little controlling.
- Okay, wait.

I feel like you're getting
the wrong impression of him.

He really was
a very great boss most of the time.

- Doesn't sound like it.
- No, he got me a present.

- Really?
- Yes. Look. This beautiful necklace.

He got me this necklace

that makes noise
so he can know where I am.

Now I know where he is all times.

- Where is he?
- Boss heaven.

"Boss heaven?"

Terry, you need to see this.

Who the fuck is that?

Take a look at this.

All the guests were close enough to Johnny
to stab him when the lights went out,

but the circuit breaker
for the power is all the way over here.

There wasn't time for any guests
to cut the lights and stab Johnny.

Know what that means?

Can I just have a moment with my trainees?

Whoever turned off the lights
can't be the same person...

...who killed Johnny. Jinx!

Oh, my God.

- What if it's Stretch Armstrong?
- The character?

The one with the arms that could reach
that and stab at the same time.

You know what this means?

This means there's an accomplice.
This changes everything.

- So what you're saying is...
- There's an accomplice.

And this accomplice is out here,
hiding in plain sight,

and their only goal is to try to stop us.
We are no longer the hunters.

We are now the hunted.

And there's a new hunter
who's out there hunting us.

The former hunters,
being now the hunted...

by the new hunter.

- Are you having a stroke?
- Hello?

- Who's that?
- Oh, shit. The orphans.

- What are they doing here?
- They've been waiting to meet Santa.

I forgot about them in the chaos.

If they see Santa dead,
my career is over.

Okay, what do we do?

- Think.
- "Hard Knock Life."

Sweeping. Should I give 'em a broom?

Wait a second! I got an idea.

You stall 'em, Mayor.
You two, come with me.

Please.

Hi, hi. So sorry. Sorry for the delay.
Hi. Are you kids having fun?

We've been sitting
in your office for five hours.

- Yeah.
- What's going on?

We got him all set here.
Let's just get him...

All right. Okay. All right, guys,
we got Santa. Come on.

- No.
- Come on back here.

So Santa is having, like, a moment.

Hold that. You manage that,
and, Jason, you get there.

And Santa's gonna have
that moment for a while.

Santa's ready.

Okay. Well, then,
come this way, I guess.

Wow.

- Hello.
- This is great. Come here.

Hello, boys and girls. Would you like
a present? What would you like?

Why isn't Santa's mouth moving?

Move his mouth, Maya.
You keep doing his arms.

It's moving.
There. Can't you see?

Some of the kids want to sit
on Santa's lap.

- Please sit here.
- Yep. You wanna... Go ahead.

- Right here.
- What happened to your beard?

I've got no hair on my bottom of my face.

Be sensitive.
It's called alopecia.

Why is there red stuff on your suit?

That's a leaky gut. Please tell me
what you want for Christmas.

I'd like a new doll, and an art kit,
and a soccer ball.

She doesn't get to ask for three things.

- No, only one.
- You don't get to ask for so many things.

You take what you get
and you don't get upset.

Santa's so mean.

Come here, come here.

- Mayor, what is going on?
- You're a crybaby.

Santa, can you behave yourself?

- You're terrible at this. Switch.
- Apologies.

- Please hold.
- Okay.

Say, "Sorry about that."

- Say, "Sorry about that."
- So sorry.

Hey, kids, do you like TikTok?
I'm Gwen Stefani.

I'm dabbing! I mean, I'm dabbing.

- Oh he's dabbing, Santa's dabbing.
- Look at me. Yay! TikTok is cool.

Ticky, tock.
Ticky, tick tick tick.

Ticky tok, tickey tok.

Who wants to sit on Santa's lap?

- Okay. What's your name?
- My name's Terence.

- Terrence. I like that.
- What do you want for Christmas, Terrence?

What do you want for Christmas, Terrence?

I don't think you can give me
what I want, Santa.

Oh yeah? Try me, bitch.

What I want more than anything
in the world...

- Yeah?
- ...is a mommy and daddy.

A real mommy and daddy.
A forever mommy and daddy.

I thought maybe you can wish for it
along with me, it'll come true.

Wish for them. Wish for it, Maya.

I'm wishing, I'm wishing.

Come here. Come closer.
Put your... Nuzzle your head in my chest.

You're a good baby.
You're a good baby.

I love you. How about some chocolate?

- Do you like chocolate?
- Yeah!

Okay, here, here you go.

Okay... you know what?
Great, get your chocolate.

And I think that's good.

- Okay, we did it, everybody let's go.
- Eat it up.

Bye, I love you guys.
My gosh, I love you guys so much.

- Bye.
- Thank you.

I love you.

- My finger.
- I think we're clear.

- My finger hurts.
- We're clear.

We did it. We pulled it off. I didn't
think we were going to be able to do it.

I think they really bought it.
We did it!

I think I finally figured out
what Christmas is all about.

What is it, Terry?

It's not about parties and noise
canceling headphones. It's about hope.

- And we got to give those kids hope.
- Yes.

We're gonna catch this killer
and save Christmas, right?

Jesus Christ.

What did you do to Santa?

Would somebody
please help out Angie again?

- My gosh.
- She really scared me.

She's just... this has been
a whole thing with Angie.

- It all started with a big scream.
- He had to be a cat for...

- Amber, yes.
- Terry.

I cross referenced
the party's guest list with Johnny

- looking for connections and I got a hit.
- Okay.

Donna Foccacia.

- Like the bread?
- Exactly.

- Really?
- She's the brains and money

behind tons of
athlete branded restaurants.

So she's going to help us how?

Her and Johnny were
collaborating on a project.

You'll find her in the VIP lounge.

- The VIP lounge?
- Yes.

We have an exclusive club,
two floors up.

- Here?
- City Hall's got a VIP lounge?

Less than two hours
before the orphans wake up

looking for their presents.
Move fast,

and keep your cell phone on.
I want to be in constant contact.

Do you know what this means?

The killer's accomplice is still out there
and we got targets on our back.

Like we're hunted?

Yeah.
If we're going to solve this,

the only way it's going to happen
is that if you two go deep undercover.

We headed to the VIP lounge
with Maya posing as an elite athlete,

and Jason as her manager.

We kept an eye out for the accomplice,

but it turned out
their eye was already on us.

Okay, this is the VIP area.

I don't understand
why they have a VIP room.

- You two are going in there alone.
- What?

Don't worry.
I'll be with you the entire time.

- Yeah. You gonna pop these in your ears.
- Are these drugs?

No, these are just ear pieces,
put one in each of your ear.

You're gonna pitch
Donna a restaurant idea

and try to get her talking
about Johnny Blaze.

And I'm going to find a safe place
to hide, and I'll talk you through it.

- You got it?
- Okay.

Get in there.

Bingo.

Yippee Ki-Yay...

Motherfucker!

I said, you can slap a horse's ass
but don't expect it to kiss you.

Jason and Maya, can you hear me?

Yes.

Let's get to work.
Did you find Donna?

- Did you find Donna?
- No. Don't repeat that. Did you find her?

- You talking about the bread lady?
- Yes, that's her. Do what I tell you to.

- Wait till she's alone. Is she alone?
- Yes.

Go sit next to her.

- Hi, there.
- Hi. Hello.

Can I help you two or...

"Good evening, ma'am.
I'm sorry to intrude."

- Sorry to intrude. Good evening.
- Good evening.

You're Canadian.

Heavy accent,
like a real maple sucker.

And there's a hat
under your seat. Check under.

On the floor. On the floor.
There it is.

- How's it going, eh?
- "Sorry to intrude."

- Sorry to intrude, eh. I'm...
- "Gordy Horton."

- Gordy Horton.
- "I'm from Chisel Lake up in Manitoba."

Up there in Chisel Lake,
in Manitoba.

- "She's real cold up there, eh."
- She is real cold up there, eh.

- Yeah, I like to give her.
- Yeah, I like to give her.

Feed her, give her.

- I'd like you to meet my client...
- "Martina Stroyanka.

I am Bulgarian," with a heavy accent.

- Martina Stroyanka.
- Her name's Martina.

- I'm Bulgarian.
- "From Bulgaria."

From Bulgaria.

- "I'm like Mrs. Bulgaria."
- I'm like Mrs. Bulgaria.

- And what is it that you do?
- "I am basketball sporter."

I am Bulgarian
number one basketball sporter.

- "Huge following."
- Huge following up over there...

- "Huge!"
- Huge!

So big, so big!

- Big!
- "Like a big Easter bunny."

Like a big Easter bunny.

"Thing is, Martina's got
this restaurant idea..."

The thing is, Martina's
got this restaurant idea, eh,

and it's a real beaut... Or a real getter.

Hey, barkeep, this a mint julep?
I said rum and Mountain Dew.

Get this shit out of my face.
God damn, I hate me a mint julep.

All right, so what now? You got some
big idea you want to pitch me?

"I want to open world's first
authentic Bulgarian pizzeria."

I want to open world's first
authentic Bulgarian pizzeria.

You want to serve,
like, a Bulgarian-style pizza?

- "All the workers? Very rude."
- This is authentic Bulgarian, okay?

- The workers, very rude.
- "And the washrooms are filthy."

- The washrooms are filthy.
- "Everything Bulgarian."

- Everything Bulgarian.
- "Except the pizza."

- Except the pizza.
- "Pizza would be like Domino's."

- The pizza would be like Domino's.
- Just roll that back for me.

Well, the experience would be like,
uh Bulgarian, eh.

And the ingredients.
We're gonna have...

"That's wrong.
It'd be like Domino's."

No, that's wrong.
It'd be more like a Domino's.

- "He's so stupid and wrong."
- He's so stupid and wrong.

"She loves saying that,
but I am stupid."

She loves saying that,
but I am stupid, eh.

"You ever experienced
a Bulgarian bathroom?"

You ever experienced
a Bulgarian bathroom?

"I dropped a huge
coiler in there once, eh."

- I dropped a coiler in there once, eh.
- "Huge coiler."

Huge coiler!

Huge, like a Thanksgiving coiler.

- Okay.
- You know?

- "But the pizza's great."
- But the pizza's great.

I'm running the numbers here.

- So, it's actually Domino's Pizza?
- Yeah, it would be like Domino's.

- Now you're getting it, eh.
- "What you think?"

- What you think?
- I got to shoot you straight.

This is the worst idea

I ever been pitched
in my whole life.

- Tell her how crazy she is.
- You're crazy!

Oh, you're crazy!

- Let me tell you something.
- You're crazy.

- You're close.
- You're crazy in the face.

- Keep going.
- You're crazy.

You make a moose look like a genius.
You allergic to money?

You both are dumber
than a can of wet salad.

You're almost as dumb as Johnny Blaze.

- "You got a beef with Johnny Blaze?"
- You got a beef with Johnny Blaze?

I got more than a beef with Johnny.

Can you tell me more about that?

Johnny comes to me, he says,
"I want to open up a new barbecue joint."

So I bring Johnny right under my wing.
I teach him everything that I know.

The dumb entrée names,
the disgustingly large portions,

the obscene amounts
of butter on everything, okay?

- So what did Johnny do?
- So what'd he do?

He backs out of the deal last minute,
so he can open up his own place

to compete with my flagship restaurant
in Times Square.

- What's happening with the restaurant now?
- Nothing with Johnny's, because he's dead.

Shit, my phone! My phone's ringing!

Abort mission.

I'm compromised.
Make an excuse and leave.

Abort, abort, abort!

Abort, abort, abort!

- I gotta go pee pee.
- Me gotta pee pee, too.

Why didn't I put my phone
in my pocket?

Uh-oh. Uh-oh!

Oh!

God!

- Boss?
- Seattle?

Okay, come here, listen.

Listen up.

Someone's been trying to call me.
My phone...

Run!

Having finally lost the accomplice
in the bowels of City Hall,

I was able to answer my phone.

It was a cold call from an
air duct repair service slash psychic.

With only 30 minutes till sunrise,
we headed back to the party room.

It was time to close this case
and save Christmas.

Angie, please.

Would you just deal with yourself for...

- Hi.
- Hi.

Will you please, please
tell me that you know

who killed Johnny Blaze?

- I've gotta...
- Um, maybe...

Ugh!

Are you kidding me? I knew you three
couldn't handle this alone.

And that is why I called in more backup.

- What?
- What? No, come on.

Come on out, Pete.

- What?
- Pete, come on. Come here.

- For the love of Pete!
- Can you stand there please?

This is Pete Davidson,
he's joining the investigation.

- Oh, I know who he is.
- Great to have you on the team.

Why did he just get here?

- Where've you been?
- Fresh eyes, ears.

I'm confused.

Know anything about

- what we're doing here?
- Not at all.

Okay. Jason, Maya, please,
in 15 seconds just explain to him.

A naked guy
that hugged Jason.

Yeah. He's a ginger.
Santa's been stabbed

- by a pointy candy cane.
- AKA, Johnny Blaze.

Hall of Fame quarterback.

And...

Stabbed with a candy cane
that was sucked to a point.

- Sucked all the way to a point.
- Whoa.

- There was an assistant.
- Sure.

She seemed guilty.

- Very.
- She likes mint breath spray.

- It's her.
- So...

- Johnny...
- It's her!

- No it's her. She sucked a candy cane...
- What do you...

Because she likes mint.

What about the bread lady?
And the butter?

- I don't know about bread.
- There was butter.

There was empty butter pats
on the table in front of the gal

- we were pitching to.
- Wait, there were?

Yeah. I pay attention.

You're out of time, so we gotta decide.
We're gonna head over here.

On your way,
each of you grab a present.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Come on, Terry, you got 15 minutes.
- Okay. All right.

I know this isn't how you wanted to spend
your evening, locked up.

It was the only way to
solve the murder of Johnny Blaze.

Time to find out if

Jason, Maya, and Pete,
know who is responsible.

Was it Jim Trentley?

Mia Briggs?
Or Donna Foccacia?

Hey, man.

She's had to live with that
her whole life.

Dick's like you.

- Fuckin' asshole.
- So, each one of you is holding a present.

- Please.
- Yeah.

You're going to hand it to the person
you think murdered Johnny Blaze.

Maya, you're going to go first.

Really think about it.

Here you go.

What?

- How dare you? I'm so insulted.
- I'm just doing my job.

- She's making an informed guess.
- Naming the Mayor as the killer?

I think that, that shows real gumption.

I don't know if she did it yet.

We're going to find out.
Jason, it's up to you.

- Who do you think murdered Johnny Blaze?
- I got it, thank you.

- Jesus.
- Suicide.

- Wow.
- This is unorthodox.

- Okay. I've seen his work.
- Nothing indicated suicide.

Sure it does. The guy was a quarterback,
and then he became Santa at City Hall.

- How did he stab himself with the...
- He licked himself lousy

- then stuck it in his gut.
- Licked it, then he sticked it.

- Okay?
- You guys are good.

We're teeing up Pete here.

- We're fond of him. Here he goes.
- All right, Pete.

Based on this entire case
that you've had the luxury of studying,

who do you think killed Johnny Blaze?

Who's the spearmint lady?

- Pink pants.
- Okay, it's her,

But I'm gonna be a dick.

I think you're up to something.

- So, just to recap...
- Yep.

Maya, you think the Mayor did it?

The fuck?

Jason, you think
that he committed suicide?

I would.

- And Pete, you think I did it?
- Yeah.

So we had three suspects,
and you chose none of them.

Yes.

- Fantastic.
- Now what?

Listen here, there is a mountain
of evidence out there.

So whoever did commit this murder, please,
now is your chance to come clean.

You may think that all you've done is
killed legendary quarterback Johnny Blaze.

But what you've really done is you've
committed the most heinous act of all.

If we don't get those presents to those
orphans in the next 12 minutes

those kids are going to stop
believing in Santa

and you will have
murdered the spirit of Christmas.

Who did it?

I can't take it anymore.

It was me, I did it!

- Why?
- How the fuck was I supposed to know that?

I've never met you before.

Legendary Channel Five
sports anchor Jim Trentley!

I didn't have anywhere else to go.
I didn't have the money,

he was going to tell everybody
about my debt, ruin my TV career.

Yes, of course.
Of course. It had to be you.

Jason heard the sound
of jingle bells during the murder.

Jim was the one who had that
ugly bell sweater.

- Hey...
- Sorry.

Jim was drinking peppermint schnapps.

We know the killer
liked the taste of mint.

Donna sent back her mint julep.
She hated it when you were at the bar.

This a mint julep? I said rum and
Mountain Dew, get this shit out.

Finally there's the name tag issue.
Everybody's name tag was smudged.

We found the smudged name tag
in the hand of Johnny Blaze.

Which means the killer
must've made a second name tag.

Only one person didn't have a smudged
name tag and that was Jim Trentley.

Call me Jim.

And his was signed
with a brand new red Sharpie

that matched the headshot
that you signed for me.

Wow.

I'm going to jail, aren't I?

You're not only going to jail,
you're also going to hell.

Do they have golf in jail?

Golf! Of course!

That adds up. We thought
Johnny Blaze's last words were "butter."

- Butter.
- But it wasn't "butter." It was "putter."

- Oh.
- Oh, my gosh.

- That's a twist.
- This guy's crying.

It's so fucking sad.

He was trying to tell us who
the killer was.

But there was an accomplice.

- Who turned off the lights?
- Thank you.

The accomplice
was Jim Trentley's new girl, Angie!

What?

Jim told us his new
lady friend had magic hands.

Guess who was wrapping the orphan's
presents at lightning speed?

She was the one
hunting us in the hallway.

She wasn't out of breath
from a panic attack,

but from running the hallways
in a ski mask, trying to take us out.

Jim, you idiot! I told you
to not talk about my magic hands.

- I love you, Boo Boo.
- Hey, Jim, why don't you go fuck yourself?

Officers, take him away.

But nobody even gave me a present.
If nobody got it...

Can't I... That's rude.

- Well, thanks for having me.
- That was crazy. Thank God it's all over.

Detective!

- Uh-oh.
- You wanted a present from the table?

Well, my magic hands
wrapped something nice and big for you,

and it's going to blow you away!

Oh, no.

Careful.

A real bomb!

- Look, we need to evacuate.
- No time for that.

This entire building is going to blow.

- Fifty-five seconds, MacGruber!
- Let me see it.

Oh my God! There are three wires,
red, green, and blue.

- Right.
- No!

- You're lucky.
- Good instincts.

We're not prepared for that.

Cut the correct wire,
the bomb will disarm.

If you cut the wrong one, we all die.

You seem comfortable with explosives.
You have to run point on this.

Cut the right one, you decide.

Consensus.
Talk together about what to do.

I think maybe red,
the pliers are red.

I think blue because
it's the only non Christmas color.

We're running out of time here.

I'm thinking we just go like,
three, two, one, go?

Or do we go one, two, three?

- Do we do it on three?
- We don't have time for this!

Here we go!

Two! One!

Pete Davidson saved Christmas
and saved the day.

You're the hero.

Pete, Pete, Pete,

Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete,

- Pete, Pete, Pete!
- That was some crazy shit.

- Fantastic.
- Wow.

Pete, you came in last second,
you really saved the day.

- Thanks.
- Good job.

You trusted your gut. It's a holiday
I'm never gonna forget. I know.

I want to thank you all
for coming down here.

It's been an incredible journey, but...

Thanks so much, Terry.

What's wrong, Mayor?

Well, the day may be saved,
but not the spirit of Christmas.

- God dang it, the orphans.
- We only have six minutes to sunrise.

Those kids are about to
wake up with no presents at all.

No, they're not.
Somebody get me the Santa suit.

I'm dreaming of an orange Christmas.

On Donnor, on Blitzen, on Rampage!

Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas!

- Santa, you really came!
- And your beard grew back!

Of course I came.

Every good girl and boy
deserves a present on Christmas.

Thank you, Terry. I mean, Santa.
You saved Christmas.

On the contrary, Christmas saved me.

What?

"To Terry, from Santa?"

It's a Christmas miracle.
My noise canceling headphones!

- Where's your present, Terry?
- I didn't get one.

I guess Santa felt
I didn't deserve one.

No, I'm sure we just can't...

- Maybe Santa...
- They really work! I can't hear shit!

Terry!

Terry, those aren't for you.

- Those aren't for you!
- I really can't hear shit.

Terry!

It was for Orphan Terry.

The holiday spirit.

You can't wrap it up
and put it under the tree,

but it's still the most
valuable gift I've ever received.

After the headphones, of course.