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1
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:07,360
[intro music]
2
00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:11,520
[Frank] Tickets this way
for the Chatsworth Express!
3
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:16,560
Come and watch pikeys
making a mess of the lives they were given
4
00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:19,040
by him upstairs.
5
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:22,360
And kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
6
00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:28,840
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
7
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:31,880
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
8
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:36,240
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented.
9
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:40,920
To calm us all down
and stop us going mental.
10
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:45,200
These are Chatsworth Estate's
basic essentials.
11
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:49,360
We are worth every penny
for grinding your axes.
12
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:53,840
You shit on our heads,
but you pay the taxes.
13
00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:00,720
Imagine a Britain
without Chatsworth buccaneers
14
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,400
who'd come on your face
for the price of a beer.
15
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:07,600
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
16
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:11,760
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
17
00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:13,040
[laughing] [cough]
18
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Scatter!
19
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:16,800
Party!
20
00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:27,040
[Monica] I wrote a poem.
21
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There was a young woman from Chatsworth
22
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Who had dreams, ambitions,
and other stuff
23
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-But she lost her good cheer...
-[Frank snoring]
24
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,480
[Monica] and ended up here... [sighs]
25
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:48,960
But I can't finish it.
Can't think of the last line.
26
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:53,800
Frank, she's gone over. We've got time.
27
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,920
-[snoring]
-Don't need any foreplay.
28
00:01:56,000 --> 00:02:00,040
I can get myself going.
A quick in and out will do.
29
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Yeah, yeah... Go on.
30
00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:05,760
-Knock yourself out.
-[cloth flapping]
31
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[snoring]
32
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Oh, Christ! [sighing]
33
00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:14,720
[Carl in distance] Ah! Come on!
34
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At least somebody's getting some.
35
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,640
-[baby crying]
-[Monica sighs deeply]
36
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,480
[groaning]
37
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[panting]
38
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Agh! Come on!
39
00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:37,360
-[urine trickling]
-[knocking at door]
40
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-[Debbie] Carl!
-Fuck off!
41
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,840
I'm touching cloth here!
42
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:44,520
-I'm having a piss.
-What, for 40 minutes?
43
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:46,800
Really?
44
00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:49,480
-It's been 40 minutes?
-Duh!
45
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Yeah, well I've got a big bladder.
46
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Carl!
47
00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:57,600
[man] That's your lot.
48
00:02:57,680 --> 00:02:59,680
You'll have to wait, I can't find the gin.
49
00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:01,280
Down there, on the left.
50
00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:07,880
Feel free to roll your tongue back in.
51
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,440
Suppose there's no chance of a quickie?
Go on, for old times' sake?
52
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,680
-I'm a married woman.
-Not even a hand job?
53
00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:17,520
[Mandy] Not unless you want
to take your knob home in a jiffy bag.
54
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,080
-The sister-in-law?
-Shut up.
55
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,280
[Karen] He's harmless.
56
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:28,680
Listen, I wanted to ask...
57
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:32,680
You don't mind
if I have someone stay over Friday night?
58
00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:34,800
Course not, why would I?
59
00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:35,800
No.
60
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,320
Right!
61
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"Stay over."
62
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Course. You live here an' all.
63
00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:48,120
It's the first time... You know.
64
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Fuck off!
65
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:53,040
You haven't shagged him yet?
What are you, a nun?
66
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:55,440
Is it compulsory to use your knickers
as ankle-warmers
67
00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:56,680
on your first date these days?
68
00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:59,920
All right, no need to get
your chastity belt in a twist.
69
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,160
Not another word from me.
70
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,080
Any road, we'd better get our skates on.
71
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:07,840
Carl!
72
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:10,680
[Maxine] All right, sexy.
Joined Randall and Hopkirk, have we?
73
00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:12,640
Fuck off, I'm late!
74
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:13,560
[door slams]
75
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:16,120
-Thought we were going in town!
-I've got nothing to wear.
76
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,480
You've got nothing to wear
to go clothes shopping?
77
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:21,760
Got no money, either.
D'you wanna eat this toast or wear it?
78
00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:23,640
[Maxine] Battle of the sexes, gorgeous.
79
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:25,560
By the time you're old enough
to realise you're in a war
80
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:26,920
you'll have already lost it.
81
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:30,760
What is it with girls and touching?
You don't always have to be touching!
82
00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:32,720
And you shouldn't be shop-lifting either!
83
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:33,960
[Frank] All right, son?
84
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,440
-No!
-Good.
85
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:36,880
[Maxine] All right, Mr G?
86
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,000
Pleased to see me?
87
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,640
-Careful what you wish for, cheeky.
-[Monica] Oh, yeah?
88
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,520
So now you're feeling frisky?
89
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:49,600
[stammering] Well... it's just a laugh.
90
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:50,760
Five minutes.
91
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:08,000
Oi! Show some respect!
92
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,760
I hate this. Gives me t'creeps.
93
00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,600
Don't worry, Scrappy Doo'll protect you.
94
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:16,880
It's an annual pilgrimage.
95
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,800
Mimi sits here all day,
we get excused after an hour.
96
00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:22,880
I'm all dressed up
so's I can stand out here
97
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,720
freezing me knackers off for an hour?
98
00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:26,560
Apparently, blood's thicker than water.
99
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,640
It's not thicker
than fucking voddie, though, is it?
100
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,040
[laughing]
101
00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,360
-What for?
-[Kelly grunting] [coughing]
102
00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:35,440
[Joe] Fine, speak to you later. Ta-ra.
103
00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:37,240
State of him!
104
00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,400
Hey, saw that new girl of yours.
105
00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:45,560
Only went into a shop for a pint of milk,
and there she is.
106
00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:48,160
I mean, for a hooker.
All that fucking hair!
107
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:51,360
Biggest turn-off going.
About as sexy as a pig in a skirt.
108
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:53,040
[Mimi] What the fuck?
109
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,000
It's all right, Mum, we'll fix it.
110
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,840
-Look at how upset it's making him!
-[Jamie coughing]
111
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,520
He's not grieving, he's hung over.
112
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:04,760
[Jamie vomiting]
113
00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:06,720
Clear it up, now.
114
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:09,680
Now.
115
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:11,760
[yelling] Now!
116
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:24,520
Fuck!
117
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:26,480
Sorry!
118
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:28,520
[gasps]
119
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:34,040
I was bringing you a cuppa,
see if I could work in some small-talk...
120
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:36,840
Think we've gone beyond that.
121
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,120
[moaning]
122
00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:44,960
Fuck! Shit! Stop!
123
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:46,080
[girl] What?
124
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,520
I didn't know. I'm sorry!
125
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,760
What, him?
He's not my bloke, he's my brother.
126
00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:55,080
We share the house.
Hurry up, before I lose me erection.
127
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:58,680
Well...
But isn't it weird him being there?
128
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,480
Since when was watching against the law?
129
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:04,360
[upbeat music]
130
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:11,720
[Kelly] It's a fucking joke.
131
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:13,480
Not family enough to visit the grave,
132
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:16,080
but it's all hands to the pump
to scrub the bastard!
133
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,200
It's cos you're girls,
you do a better job.
134
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:19,120
[punch]
135
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:21,560
-Don't, Karen, I'll throw up again.
-We're leaving.
136
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,200
-Lightweight.
-Fuck off, Micky!
137
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,360
You sure you'll be all right?
138
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,360
This can never happen again.
139
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,000
[Paddy] It won't, angel.
140
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:39,080
I promise.
141
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:47,320
Here you go.
142
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,200
-It's only 20.
-I know.
143
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:55,640
Weather we're having, expect I'll need
done again before the week's out.
144
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:56,680
[Carl] No problem.
145
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:03,960
I said to your dad,
"No way that's a turkey,"
146
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:06,600
but Bernie the butcher swore by it.
147
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,720
Suppose they do look similar,
though... Plucked.
148
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:12,800
A turkey, and a swan.
149
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,400
So, not the best Christmas.
150
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:29,160
Poor cow.
151
00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:33,679
[Mimi] Why's it always the mothers
that bear the burden?
152
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:39,840
C'mon, having a bite here.
153
00:08:39,919 --> 00:08:42,159
[kiss] You can have a bite of me.
[chuckles]
154
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:43,320
[splash]
155
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:46,400
I've got sauce on me now.
156
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:48,280
[foot tapping]
157
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:50,480
What?
158
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:52,880
What?
159
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:57,880
I want... [sighs]
I need a bit of intimacy.
160
00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:01,000
I'm not just a fucking baby machine.
161
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:03,360
Yeah, but, you know, the timing's wrong.
162
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,760
Yeah... The timing's always wrong.
163
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:06,880
No... [stuttering]
164
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:12,400
No, I mean, you're still, you know,
carrying a bit of baby fat, aren't you?
165
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:14,160
So I would have thought you...
166
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:18,600
You wouldn't want to flaunt it.
167
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:23,040
I'm still a woman, I still need love.
Seven kids I've given you!
168
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:25,080
When have I ever cast it up?
169
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:27,640
Ever!
170
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:33,640
-[Monica shouting] You bastard!
-[smashing] [clanging]
171
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:36,560
Hey, nobody's saying
you've got to be Liz Hurley.
172
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,320
Fuck you, you fucker!
173
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,600
But you're not eating
for two anymore, are you?
174
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:44,000
I'll fucking show you
fucking love handles!
175
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:48,640
-Would you rather I lied to you?
-Piss off! You twat!
176
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,840
[Frank] Oh, here we go, another pair.
177
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:52,640
Female of the species.
178
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:55,880
Victims of biology
and the unbearable lightness of shopping.
179
00:09:56,440 --> 00:10:00,160
Oh, and whose fault is it?
Societal pressure created by men!
180
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:03,200
[door opens]
181
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:06,880
-[door slams]
-[exhales]
182
00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:11,720
Oh, come on, then!
183
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,720
What's the view
from the leaf-blowing brigade?
184
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,880
You really are a useless prick,
aren't you?
185
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:18,840
I'm not.
186
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,520
Just think what that woman's
given up for you.
187
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,800
What, you?
Giant fucking Yoda in a shell suit?
188
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,400
That's right,
revert to your default position.
189
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,040
Abusive.
190
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,480
Don't examine your own behaviour,
whatever you do,
191
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:35,720
because you're a great catch,
aren't you, Frank?
192
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,400
Husband, helper, lover...
193
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:39,960
[sighs]
194
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,400
You're going to lose her.
195
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:43,600
No, I'm not.
196
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:45,680
[laughs loudly]
197
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:48,720
[car door slams]
198
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:54,320
Ey, don't fucking laugh at me,
cos it's the lowest form of wit.
199
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:01,720
D'you mind? The ladies' loos are flooded.
200
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,520
-No.
-[door shuts]
201
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:16,800
Sorry.
I don't really need to go, it's just...
202
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,240
What?
203
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:22,160
When was the last time
you did a bit of gardening?
204
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,760
I know it's none of my business,
but, it's your big date on Friday,
205
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:33,840
and I know it's been a long time,
and Joe said...
206
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,720
-Joe said what?
-About as sexy as a pig in a skirt.
207
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:39,360
That he doesn't like hairy women.
208
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,320
They're totally disgusting
and it makes him wanna puke.
209
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,640
[Mandy] A fucking Barbie doll,
Smooth bump at the front?
210
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,240
It's natural.
211
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:51,400
What kind of person thinks
body hair is disgusting,
212
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,040
a massive turn-off?
213
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,880
[Karen] The hoops we fucking jump through!
214
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:56,280
[water dripping]
215
00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:58,240
I just thought you'd wanna know!
216
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:07,200
-You all right, mate?
-Yeah, grand.
217
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,400
What?
218
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:15,760
Well, this is really fucking weird,
because she's me sister, but...
219
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,680
Well, I know it's your big night Friday.
220
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:22,200
-She doesn't like hairy men.
-What?
221
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,960
She doesn't like men with hair.
222
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,520
-What, you mean--
-Jesus, no!
223
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,960
It'd look like a one-eyed turkey,
plucked and ready for the oven!
224
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:29,880
Your chest.
225
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:35,400
Well, I've seen you after games,
you're not exactly lacking, are ya?
226
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:38,080
-She really hates it?
-[laughs] Disgusts her.
227
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,600
Doesn't think she could be
with a hairy guy.
228
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:44,520
Sorry, mate.
229
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:46,840
[groaning]
230
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,240
How was that?
231
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:51,880
Stanley Waterman,
232
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:56,480
if muff-diving were an Olympic sport,
you'd be a national fucking hero.
233
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:59,240
-Do you hang weights off your tongue?
-Your turn.
234
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:04,880
[sighs] I'm knackered, Stan.
There's no way I could work up the energy.
235
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,120
[grunts] If you don't mind me saying,
236
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,520
but you're always too knackered
when it's my turn, these days.
237
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:13,040
Am I? It's your own fault.
238
00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:16,000
-You're too bloomin' good.
-Yvonne...
239
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,160
-Yvonne?
-It's the wart, Stan.
240
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:22,240
[sighs]
241
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:23,480
The wart.
242
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:26,880
-I thought you hadn't noticed.
-Noticed?
243
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,120
It's almost had me eye out five times.
244
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,400
It's like your bell-end's
grown another head.
245
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,880
It's only a wart, love.
246
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:39,360
They can easily be removed.
Like a verruca. Tssst!
247
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,560
-It's rubbish, innit?
-No, it's just...
248
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:53,720
This bit about: "Running his tongue
round her burning Volvo"
249
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,440
[Ady] It's a typing error, right?
250
00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:58,680
Well, I used spell-check.
I'm no good with the Latin words.
251
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:00,880
And same when she gives him "a blow-dry".
252
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,040
Oh, no, I meant that.
253
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,840
-She's an hairdresser.
-Oh!
254
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:06,040
Oh, yous hate it.
255
00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:08,120
-No, we don't, it's just--
-[Zeta] It's a bit gay, Micky.
256
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:09,840
How is this gay?
257
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,160
"He bent her over the cement mixer,
258
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,440
spread her arse cheeks wide,
and slid the length of his girder inside.
259
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,400
The only sound interrupting her moans
260
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,000
was the rattle of her hard hat
inside the empty mixer,
261
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,640
as it went round, and round,
and round, and round."
262
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:24,920
-It's a building site.
-So?
263
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:27,120
You get women builders.
264
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,480
[Zeta] Straight or not,
265
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:31,240
I'm as wet as a fisherman's sou'wester
just listening to it,
266
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,600
upstairs, the pair of ya.
267
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:34,560
-[Ady] Oh!
268
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:35,520
Ahh!
269
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:39,320
Sorry about that. [panting]
270
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,160
It's all right, happens.
271
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:42,960
It's just bad timing,
272
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,560
you two coming first. Again!
273
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,080
She's not stupid, you know.
274
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,480
She must be
if she thinks you're still in the closet.
275
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,280
-Shut up!
-[water running]
276
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,200
That's how you're into swinging, innit?
277
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,000
You're a poof trapped
in a straight marriage.
278
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:01,160
Hey, I'm not a poof.
279
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:02,720
Yeah?
280
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:06,120
So how come you've got a stiffie
as soon as she left the room?
281
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:10,640
I love her.
282
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:15,280
When was the last time
you had straight sex with her?
283
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:17,920
Micky...
284
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:20,600
I think I love you, too.
285
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:22,760
[mellow music]
286
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:29,080
Well, tomorrow...
287
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:31,360
we have this out.
288
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:33,320
The three of us.
289
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:40,920
What are you doing?
290
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:45,440
I am helping.
291
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:50,160
Oh, god... Oh! Fuck's sake!
292
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,000
Looking foxy, Mrs G.
293
00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:53,520
Thank you, Maxine.
294
00:15:58,640 --> 00:15:59,960
[Stella cries]
295
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,680
-What's up with your mum?
-[sighs] General or specific?
296
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:08,240
General, she wasn't born
into the Royal Family.
297
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,360
Specific, she's 43 going on 14.
298
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,320
-I'm pissing.
-What, all day, every day?
299
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,880
-[grunts]
-Debs, wait.
300
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:23,360
I'll just unload, shall I?
301
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:26,760
I can't piss.
302
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:29,640
-You're getting plenty of practice.
-No, I mean...
303
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,200
I can't... piss.
304
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,040
A little bit comes out,
but it hurts like fuck.
305
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,600
And it itches all the time.
306
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,080
-You use a condom, don't ya?
-Of course I do.
307
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:41,520
Usually.
308
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,400
-You've got an STD.
-Have I fuck!
309
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:45,480
Fine, you haven't.
310
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,600
-What should I do?
-Clinic.
311
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:51,720
No way!
312
00:16:57,920 --> 00:16:58,760
[Liam] Stay back!
313
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,320
-[Debbie] No!
-[smashing]
314
00:17:04,079 --> 00:17:06,920
-[Stella cries]
-[Debbie] I'm OK, everything's fine!
315
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:09,200
[water running]
316
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:10,440
Oh, fuck!
317
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:19,040
-[Stella crying]
-[Frank] Shut up, Stella!
318
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,319
[Lillian] All right, love?
319
00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:23,599
Yeah, thanks, Lillian.
320
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:26,200
If you don't mind me saying,
you're looking a bit mental.
321
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:28,520
Am I?
322
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:32,160
Sure you haven't got some
of that post-natal depression?
323
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:33,720
She could be right, you know, Monica.
324
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:35,520
You don't seem quite yourself.
325
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,720
And what is "meself", then, Yvonne?
326
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,480
Dressing like a sofa
327
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:42,560
and munching down HRT,
cos I'm past me sell-by date?
328
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:43,920
Don't be soft!
329
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,440
With bosoms like these
330
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,000
you've got 20 years
of good handling of you yet.
331
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:51,720
I'm not mental just because
I want to be treated like a woman.
332
00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,160
You can probably
take your hands off now, Lillian.
333
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:05,920
[Lillian] They were persecuted
334
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,040
in ancient times, hypnotists.
335
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:10,360
Folk used to think it were black magic.
336
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:14,720
[Monica]
It's probably just a tacky sex show.
337
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,440
Pub hypnotists are all the same.
338
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:18,400
-[Shane] So you're not going?
-[Monica] Oh, yeah.
339
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:21,280
I'm gonna get there early,
get a seat down the front.
340
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,680
[Norma] It's a science of the future,
mind-control.
341
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:26,760
Some people even see it
as an art. Who's to say?
342
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,160
The paying fucking public.
343
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,560
[Kelly] Seven quid a ticket,
he'd better be an artist.
344
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:33,080
[Lillian] They used to think Houdini
345
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,640
hypnotized himself,
so he could hold his breath.
346
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,160
Till he drowned, of course.
347
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:39,160
Then the theory
lost some of its credibility.
348
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,040
Our mam was hypnotized once.
349
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,320
Wonder if that's why
she thinks she's a Scouser.
350
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:44,800
[text message tone]
351
00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,320
She is a fucking Scouser!
352
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,720
[Norma] Course, all art is subjective.
353
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,200
You know that tennis poster, of the...
354
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:56,560
of the lass lifting her skirt to scratch
a single, perfect...
355
00:18:57,760 --> 00:18:59,000
round buttock.
356
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:00,520
We have to go.
357
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,160
-I've still got half me-
-[Kelly] Now!
358
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:03,800
Classic image, that is. [puffs]
359
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,920
[Karen] I used me dad's razor
the first time I did it.
360
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,520
Used his aftershave an' all.
361
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,720
That was a once-only experiment.
362
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:15,640
-You sure you've done this before?
-Yeah.
363
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:19,520
One summer, I did me mate's
like the faces of the Take That boys.
364
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:21,720
Except Gary Barlow, of course.
365
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:25,640
-She must've been a hairy girl.
-Not really. Mark Owen's only little.
366
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,080
Maybe I should go to a salon.
367
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:30,680
And drop 40 quid to let
some spotty teenager stare up your muff?
368
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:32,800
Come on, get 'em off!
369
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:37,680
Are you sure
this is the best way to do it?
370
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:38,640
How should I know?
371
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:41,200
Not my missus
who's got a fetish for baldy.
372
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:42,440
Not natural though, is it?
373
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:44,560
Yeah, blame Brad Pitt,
and Leonardo DiCaprio.
374
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,440
We live in the era of the girly man.
375
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,760
Yeah, well,
I'd fucking hate to look like that.
376
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,680
-Can you do it?
-Fuck right off!
377
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,080
I can't get the angles right,
looking in the mirror.
378
00:19:58,400 --> 00:19:59,280
[whispers] Please.
379
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,680
Nobody gets to hear about this.
380
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:12,760
[Debbie] That's half my wardrobe, Liam!
These aren't stolen.
381
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,760
I don't want them in the house,
it's bad karma.
382
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:22,840
[Stella crying]
383
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,560
-[door opens]
-[Frank] Who the fuck?
384
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:26,920
[door slams]
385
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,160
-What you doing?
-Well, assisting.
386
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:32,760
Being less than useless.
387
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,840
More importantly, what the fuck
is this garment doing in my house?
388
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,360
Didn't we bring them up right?
389
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:39,640
I don't care.
390
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,800
[Mandy in distance]
Oh! Holy God in Heaven!
391
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:51,640
Everything all right?
392
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,680
Yeah. You?
393
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:54,640
Fine.
394
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,080
-What you up to?
-Nothing.
395
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:00,880
You?
396
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:01,800
Not much.
397
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:02,800
Argh!
398
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:06,720
-You said you'd done this before!
-I have. It's been a while, that's all.
399
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,560
[gasps] I thought you were an expert.
400
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:10,520
Did your mate's with the Take That boys.
401
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,480
I never said it was a good likeness.
402
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,720
Feels like you used sticky sandpaper!
403
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,400
-I think I'm bleeding!
-Don't be so soft.
404
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:21,160
Women have suffered for beauty
since the dawn of time and...
405
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:23,000
we've only just started.
406
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:24,640
-Get back!
-Ugh!
407
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:25,800
[screaming]
408
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:27,160
[Joe] Christ almighty!
409
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,000
Jamie, summat wrong?
410
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,920
No. Sound as a pound.
411
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:32,880
Okay.
412
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:38,120
-Me nipple! I think you've cut it off!
-You shouldn't twitch so much.
413
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:41,440
No wonder, with the barber
of fucking Seville shaving me chest.
414
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:42,760
Oh, don't be such a baby!
415
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:44,960
It's only a nipple,
you've got another one.
416
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,040
[Joe grunting]
417
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,440
[Kelly] Your brother fancies me.
He wants to fucking do me.
418
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:52,480
And not straight on and off either,
he wants to spank me!
419
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,520
You can't hurt him, Shane.
He's your brother.
420
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:56,880
I'm not gonna hurt him.
421
00:21:58,120 --> 00:21:59,160
I feel sorry for him.
422
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:04,240
-I'm not sure how to take that.
No, I mean, I don't blame him.
423
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:06,360
How could he not fancy you?
424
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,240
Karen's a nice girl and all, but...
425
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:10,760
she'll never be a "you."
426
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:11,920
You taking the piss?
427
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,280
No.
428
00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:14,440
You could be a model.
429
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:18,400
In fact, you make half the models
in magazines look like dogs.
430
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:19,760
I do own a mirror, Shane.
431
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:24,040
And, while it tells me that, yes,
I am a fucking knock-out,
432
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:27,840
I don't think Kate Moss
should be quivering in her Jimmy Choos.
433
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:31,280
-You're gonna have to put him off.
-How?
434
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:37,000
I'm completely bald! You said Brazilian!
435
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:41,640
There must be bald Brazilians.
Who's the one that bends the free kicks?
436
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:45,520
Bald is all the rage. Brazilian's so '90s.
437
00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:47,960
I am not interested in fanny fashion!
438
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:50,680
And it's not supposed
to hurt this much either.
439
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:53,720
I suppose I should've
used alcohol-free wipes.
440
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,200
Tea tree's the best, I think.
441
00:22:56,280 --> 00:23:00,440
On the plus side,
you could stuff a cushion with these.
442
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:03,840
[video camera beeping]
443
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,600
[Paddy] Has she given you
the old heave-ho, then? Permanent?
444
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:11,000
-Or is it just a lovers' tiff?
-What?
445
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:12,400
Your girlfriend.
446
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:16,320
Well, you've been spending
so much time there of late,
447
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:19,320
I expected this to be a solo mission.
448
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:20,360
Yeah.
449
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:23,520
Take her to see the Hypnotist
at The Jockey tomorrow night.
450
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:24,880
Laughter's a rare remedy.
451
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,600
-Yeah, maybe.
-Don't be a doormat.
452
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:30,760
I'll talk her round. [chuckles]
453
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:33,240
Never underestimate
the wisdom of the old fella, son,
454
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:35,400
when it comes to the ladies.
455
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:38,280
I cast my net far and wide
before I met your mother.
456
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:40,480
Excellent.
457
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:41,400
Shh!
458
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:45,000
[suspenseful music]
459
00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:49,200
[Micky] What's she doing?
460
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,280
I couldn't say, Michael.
461
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,560
-I'll grab her.
-Just wait.
462
00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:26,320
I'm fucking gorgeous!
I'm in me prime, you bastard!
463
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:27,400
[Liam clears throat]
464
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:32,760
Corrie's on.
Thought you might want to know.
465
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:34,240
Be down in a minute.
466
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:46,640
Hiya.
467
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:48,240
Hi. It really burns when I piss,
468
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:51,640
and most of the time I can't piss,
so I've got this really throbbing pain.
469
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:54,840
And I'm itching so much
that I'm scratching myself raw.
470
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:58,520
I do this two days a week until they can
get me full-time at McDonald's, so...
471
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,440
you probably wanna wait
for a doctor to examine you.
472
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:04,920
-Just your name, for now.
-Carl Gallagher.
473
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:19,640
[Carl] You all right, Stan?
474
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,600
-[Stan] All right, Carl.
-What you in for?
475
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:24,720
Nothing, you know.
476
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:27,400
You've got genital herpes or something.
477
00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:30,160
Hey, it gives you an itchy arse, that.
Read about it.
478
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:35,960
No, I mean, nothing like that,
it's just a small personal...
479
00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:37,680
I haven't got an infection,
480
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:40,640
I've just got a small nubbin
on the end of me...
481
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:44,960
A bit of diplomacy, eh,
about us seeing each other here?
482
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:48,280
I've only got chlamydia.
It's like the Stockport County of VDs.
483
00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:50,800
Chlamydia's very infectious, Carl.
484
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:52,800
-It can lead to infertility...
-[tense music]
485
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:55,120
premature birth,
whole load of nasty things.
486
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:58,040
You've got to tell them, Carl,
any girls you've been with.
487
00:25:58,120 --> 00:25:59,040
It's important.
488
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:01,920
-You all right, Tina?
-[Carl groans]
489
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,040
[smacking]
490
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:13,240
-Not today, Micky.
-We're supposed to have a chat.
491
00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:15,800
Me and Ady had the chat.
We didn't need you present.
492
00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:17,920
It's okay, I'll handle it.
493
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:19,880
Honest.
494
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:22,520
Faggot.
495
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:24,920
Which one of us are you talking to?
496
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:29,680
She gave me an ultimatum, made me choose.
497
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:30,840
What, and you chose her?
498
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,920
-[sighs]
-You're even gayer than I am!
499
00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:38,160
Look, we can still see each other.
Just not when she knows.
500
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:44,080
No, mate.
501
00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:47,240
-I don't think so.
-Why?
502
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:49,680
Cos I prefer a bit more spine.
503
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,600
You're too pussy-whipped.
504
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:54,320
-Micky
-No, mate.
505
00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:56,000
I deserve better.
506
00:26:57,840 --> 00:26:59,600
I deserve fucking better.
507
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:14,480
-What you doing?
-Going to see the hypnotist at The Jockey.
508
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:16,600
Not in that top, you know that's mine.
509
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:17,520
Stolen.
510
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:18,760
It's mine!
511
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:20,120
It's only a top, Debs.
512
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:23,480
-What about Stella?
-Well, Liam can look after--
513
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:27,000
Don't even think about it! You can't
leave a baby with a nine-year-old boy.
514
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:29,480
Fine! I'll stay in, again!
515
00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:32,160
Like the Prisoner of fuckin' Zenda!
516
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:35,240
What you doing? Don't!
517
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:36,400
[Stella cries]
518
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:41,080
Debbie!
519
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:57,000
Thanks' a fuckin' bunch, Stan!
520
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:00,960
[balalaika playing]
521
00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:06,200
[knock on door]
522
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:10,560
[sighs]
523
00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:16,080
Good evening, madam.
Do you believe in the living Christ?
524
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,720
After this week, absolutely not.
525
00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:24,440
Wait... My soul might be lost,
526
00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:27,200
but me son's is definitely up for grabs.
527
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:37,640
Ten.
528
00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:39,320
Do I look like immigrant labour?
529
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:40,880
[buffs]
530
00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:45,280
20 then, but that's for the whole night.
531
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,160
I'm not changing any more nappies.
532
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:48,960
Just keep them talking, all right?
533
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:52,080
I'll give you some privacy.
534
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:55,800
I've just got a quick point
to make to me husband.
535
00:28:58,640 --> 00:28:59,880
Have fun!
536
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:03,280
[clapping and chattering]
537
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:07,520
[Damien] Now, Carl is your husband.
538
00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:10,120
-Lillian is your lesbian lover.
-[crowd laughing]
539
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:12,600
And Norma is Brad Pitt.
540
00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:14,080
[all cheer and laugh]
541
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:16,960
-[Damien] In the nude!
-[all] Yeah!
542
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:19,280
[Damien] Yeah, and... wake!
543
00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:23,200
Lillian, what you doing here?
Carl will find out.
544
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:27,680
Oh, my God, Brad Pitt!
545
00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:29,400
You're everything I imagined...
546
00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:31,800
and more!
547
00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:35,720
[Norma] It is not amusing
to put me in this position.
548
00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:38,840
A penis is an aggressive appendage!
549
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:40,560
[all cheer and laugh]
550
00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:44,680
[Frank]
Marital strife, and an imaginary knob.
551
00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:46,960
Passes for entertainment, does it?
552
00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:49,840
-[Jamie] All right, Shane?
-[Shane] Yes, mate.
553
00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:51,600
-All right, Kelly?
-Yeah, magic.
554
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:54,360
[snorts]
555
00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:57,880
Can I have a lager,
and a vodka-tonic, please?
556
00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:00,560
You... You've got something on your...
557
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:03,680
Oh, yeah, me falser.
558
00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:06,680
It seems to run
when it's me time of the month.
559
00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:08,560
And, Jesus, am I on!
560
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:11,320
-It's like someone turned a tap on--
-All right, Kelly!
561
00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:13,120
Pint and a vodka tonic, was it?
562
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:14,200
What you doing?
563
00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:17,960
Don't worry, I've got a sitter,
so remove the gun from me head.
564
00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:19,120
Who?
565
00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:22,400
You fucking peck away at me like a hen,
you know that, Debbie?
566
00:30:22,480 --> 00:30:25,520
Seven of you I've brought up,
and not one of you has ever
567
00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:28,480
had the good grace
to pay me the tiniest little compliment!
568
00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:30,960
When your responsibilities in life
extend beyond
569
00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:32,680
"Which sleeveless top shall I rob?"
570
00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:35,640
Then you can question
my parenting skills! All right?
571
00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:42,920
[indistinct conversation]
572
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:45,720
-[kiss]
-Two bottles of lager, Karen.
573
00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:49,320
[groans] Auch!
574
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:50,800
Sorry.
575
00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:54,600
Just a little bit sensitive.
Must be all the excitement.
576
00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:56,120
Just gonna nip the loo.
577
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,760
You might at least wait
till the lad comes back.
578
00:31:12,880 --> 00:31:15,320
Only real fundamentalists
still adhere to the notion
579
00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:17,920
that God physically created the world
in seven days.
580
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:19,360
It's metaphorical.
581
00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:21,880
Do you know what a metaphor is?
582
00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:24,520
Don't you think
it's hypocritical of the Church
583
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:26,680
to insist on creationism for centuries,
584
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:29,640
only to jump
on the intelligent design bandwagon now?
585
00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:34,400
[clucking like a chicken]
586
00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:38,360
[Damien] And now you're a monkey!
587
00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:40,400
[makes monkey noises]
588
00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:43,680
[Shane] You're hypnotizing her
all the time! Hypnotize some locals!
589
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:46,520
-[woman] You're as greasy as your hair!
-[man] Come on!
590
00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:51,600
Some people are more susceptible
to hypnotism than other people, so...
591
00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:55,200
You're fucking at it, you are.
592
00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:00,280
What about this gallant young lad?
593
00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:02,360
Yeah, that's more like it!
594
00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:04,200
[all cheering]
595
00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:06,480
And this lovely lady.
596
00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:09,320
-Me?
-[Damien] Yes.
597
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:11,760
Come on, folks, come on. Give them a hand.
598
00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:13,120
[cheering and clapping]
599
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:17,080
-Move it.
-What?
600
00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:18,040
Come on.
601
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:22,560
You, little lady, are exquisite.
602
00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:27,120
Anybody can say the right words.
It's not rocket science, is it?
603
00:32:27,800 --> 00:32:29,240
Feel heavy, feel heavy.
604
00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:32,960
-[sighs]
-[Damien] Ssh!
605
00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:34,960
Right, mate, listen, I'll give you 50 quid
606
00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:37,280
if you do what I say,
and make out you're hypnotized.
607
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:39,400
-What?
-It's a fucking scam, all right?
608
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:42,680
I could no more hypnotize you
than pull a bunch of flowers out me arse.
609
00:32:42,760 --> 00:32:45,920
-Fifty quid, are you in or out?
-Yeah, sound.
610
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:50,560
[inhales deeply] And... sleep!
611
00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:55,280
[applause]
612
00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:01,440
-How long are you going to keep this up?
-I'm busy.
613
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:05,920
I'm sorry if the text was over the top,
614
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:09,480
but it was just a joke,
try and snap you out of it.
615
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:13,120
Look, we could go for dinner
or something, your choice.
616
00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:15,360
Don't know what you're talking about.
What text?
617
00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:16,560
The filthy one.
618
00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:20,200
You've been blanking me so much,
I thought it would break the ice.
619
00:33:20,280 --> 00:33:22,760
I haven't been blanking ya.
I've been rushed off me feet.
620
00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:24,320
And I didn't get any text.
621
00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:27,400
Recognise it?
622
00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:30,240
No.
623
00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:33,400
-So, you're not angry with me?
-Jesus, Jamie!
624
00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:36,240
You went on the tiles with a mate,
you're not Osama bin Laden.
625
00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:38,000
So, who have I sent this to, then?
626
00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:42,720
[Jamie] Oh, shit!
627
00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:46,920
[Karen giggles]
628
00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:53,680
[soft orchestral music]
629
00:34:20,679 --> 00:34:22,480
But I want your baby!
630
00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:26,480
I want to feel your seed grow inside me!
631
00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:28,960
Whoa, easy tiger!
632
00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:29,880
[people laughing]
633
00:34:33,639 --> 00:34:35,159
[man] Fucking god-awful!
634
00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:38,400
[preacher] If evolution is right,
and I'm not conceding that,
635
00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:42,560
then surely there's a guiding hand
behind it, an intelligence.
636
00:34:42,639 --> 00:34:46,840
-It can't be just chance.
-I don't accept that.
637
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:49,639
When the black symbiote attaches itself
to Spider-Man's suit,
638
00:34:49,719 --> 00:34:52,120
it's because a meteor's crashing to Earth.
639
00:34:52,199 --> 00:34:56,320
And meteors hitting the Earth
is pure maths, not religion.
640
00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:57,560
Spider-Man isn't real!
641
00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:01,160
There's as much proof for him
as there is for God.
642
00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:05,400
[Damien] And finally,
ladies and gentlemen,
643
00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:10,680
this young man will awake and believe
he has never been hypnotized at all.
644
00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:13,120
You have seen the evidence yourselves,
645
00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:16,680
but he will believe
that I offer him 50 pounds
646
00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:18,840
to pretend he was hypnotized,
647
00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:24,040
and behave in the manner
you have all witnessed.
648
00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:27,280
[inhales deeply]
649
00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:29,160
And...
650
00:35:29,240 --> 00:35:30,120
[slaps]
651
00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:31,440
wake!
652
00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:38,400
Tell the good people, truthfully...
653
00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:41,640
Have you been hypnotized this evening?
654
00:35:41,720 --> 00:35:43,280
What, really?
655
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:48,280
Yes, the truth, and nothing but the truth.
656
00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:50,520
Well, no.
You offered me 50 quid to pretend.
657
00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:52,400
[people cheering]
658
00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:53,880
He did!
659
00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:58,600
He's a fuckin' phoney!
660
00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:07,040
Is that a wedding ring on your finger?
661
00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:13,160
He's not the possessive type,
if that's what you're wondering.
662
00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:20,440
[Mimi] It's a good job. Were it painful?
663
00:36:20,520 --> 00:36:25,080
No. They froze it at first.
I'm only just getting the feeling back.
664
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:28,920
So, do you see any problems
for future... you know?
665
00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:31,280
What's sauce for the goose, Stanley.
666
00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:37,640
Funny, though he seems a little lonely.
Like he's lost his friend.
667
00:36:37,720 --> 00:36:39,240
He doesn't have to be.
668
00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:41,640
They gave me it in a jar, for safekeeping.
669
00:36:41,720 --> 00:36:43,040
-[gags]
-As a keepsake.
670
00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:46,400
-Ugh!
-Yvonne? I thought it'd be funny!
671
00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:51,680
[Jamie] Can I have a word?
672
00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:54,720
-Are you sure? Karen's just over there.
-Yeah, I know.
673
00:36:56,960 --> 00:37:01,200
You're a nice lad, Jamie,
but let's be honest.
674
00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:03,960
You did hit a few branches
of the ugly tree on the way down.
675
00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:07,880
Look, I appreciate your candour,
but the text message wasn't meant for you.
676
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:13,640
Karen, Kelly
Next to each other in me address book.
677
00:37:13,720 --> 00:37:15,160
I thought Karen was angry with me,
678
00:37:15,240 --> 00:37:17,560
I was trying to give her
a bit of a giggle, that's all.
679
00:37:17,640 --> 00:37:19,480
Right.
680
00:37:19,560 --> 00:37:22,880
And I'm guessing you look like this
because you're trying to put me off?
681
00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:25,760
Very admirable, being so loyal to our kid.
682
00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:28,080
Right.
683
00:37:28,160 --> 00:37:30,560
So I can take this boot polish
off me tooth?
684
00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:33,840
Dunno. Kind of suits you.
685
00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:35,320
[chuckling]
686
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:38,600
-[moaning and screaming]
-Fuckin' hell!
687
00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:41,080
Yeah! Ooh!
688
00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:42,680
-[Monica] Yeah!
-[Damien] Oh!
689
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:45,480
[moaning intensely] Yeah! Oh!
690
00:37:45,560 --> 00:37:49,560
[Damien groans] Get it! Oh!
691
00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:52,240
-Oh!
-Oh, you!
692
00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:54,640
[Damien] From the first minute
I laid eyes on you.
693
00:37:54,720 --> 00:37:56,840
You're so...
694
00:37:56,920 --> 00:37:57,880
[passionately] So...
695
00:37:57,960 --> 00:37:58,920
Yeah?
696
00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:02,440
Oh, so motherly!
697
00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:03,960
What?
698
00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:09,160
So... maternal.
699
00:38:09,240 --> 00:38:11,840
The way your breasts
have fallen that little bit.
700
00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:13,680
The broadness of your hips. [panting]
701
00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:15,480
The stretch marks on your belly.
702
00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:20,560
[panting] Ooh, it's such a turn-on
to think that you grew a babby!
703
00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:25,880
Are you feeding?
704
00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:29,920
Ooh! Cos I think I could go again
if you could lactate!
705
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:31,000
[Monica] Ah!
706
00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:33,320
[assistant knocking at door] Damien?
707
00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:34,320
-Fuck!
-[assistant] Damien?
708
00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:36,280
Oh, fuck! Shh!
709
00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:39,280
[Damien] What you doing?
710
00:38:39,360 --> 00:38:40,560
In here!
711
00:38:45,720 --> 00:38:50,720
You fucking bastard!
You promised, no more MILFs.
712
00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:57,080
To think I spend my nights
clucking like a fucking chicken for you!
713
00:38:57,160 --> 00:38:58,120
I'm sorry.
714
00:38:58,200 --> 00:38:59,560
What?
715
00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:02,720
She could never be with an 'airy guy?
716
00:39:02,800 --> 00:39:05,680
-That's what she said.
-No, I didn't, that's what she said.
717
00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:08,080
I was just repeating what he told Kelly.
718
00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:09,400
Told Kelly what?
719
00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:12,480
[stammering]
That hairy women were a turn-off.
720
00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:14,480
[Kelly] "Pig in a skirt," he said.
721
00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:17,920
He were talking about Janine.
New girl at Lillian's.
722
00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:20,640
Head of hair on her like she's caught
her piercing in a socket.
723
00:39:20,720 --> 00:39:24,880
[laughing] Looks like the love-child
of Amy Winehouse and Russell Brand.
724
00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:28,720
All that fucking hair?
It's the biggest turn-off going.
725
00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:30,600
About as sexy as a pig in a skirt.
726
00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:32,040
Oh.
727
00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:34,320
Maybe you should concentrate
on your own relationship.
728
00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:36,320
Not exactly
bench-mark communication, is it?
729
00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:37,840
Text messages.
730
00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:44,480
I don't care if he makes a point.
You're not supposed to ask questions.
731
00:39:44,560 --> 00:39:46,160
-Night.
-Thanks for that.
732
00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:50,080
It wouldn't be appropriate.
733
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:54,280
They might not know it,
but I'm wrong, and they're right.
734
00:39:57,040 --> 00:39:57,880
Good lad.
735
00:40:01,520 --> 00:40:03,280
You spilled something on your dress.
736
00:40:27,280 --> 00:40:28,280
Good night?
737
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:32,400
Not particularly.
738
00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:39,120
I do try, Monica.
739
00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:44,280
-Best as I'm able.
-I know.
740
00:40:46,240 --> 00:40:49,280
I mean, sometimes you know, I lash out,
741
00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:53,520
get me defense in before the attack comes.
742
00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:56,560
I might
743
00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:02,320
misjudge it... on occasion.
744
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:08,080
I'm sorry.
745
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:13,600
I know.
746
00:41:26,520 --> 00:41:27,600
Whatever it is,
747
00:41:29,280 --> 00:41:30,720
don't let it swamp you, Mon.
748
00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:33,720
I won't.
749
00:41:36,560 --> 00:41:37,400
Frank,
750
00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:40,200
can you just
751
00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:42,480
hold me.
752
00:41:46,760 --> 00:41:48,040
Please?
753
00:42:04,520 --> 00:42:05,880
[both sighing]
754
00:42:09,600 --> 00:42:12,320
[chuckles] Stop poking me in the back!
755
00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:14,320
I'm not poking you.
756
00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:18,680
I've got the horn, that's all.
757
00:42:28,920 --> 00:42:31,920
I am gonna ride you
758
00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:36,520
till you cry, Frank Gallagher.
759
00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:38,280
Fair enough.
760
00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:42,040
[both moan]
761
00:42:46,200 --> 00:42:48,560
-[Joe groaning]
-[Mandy] Wait, get a condom!
762
00:42:48,640 --> 00:42:50,280
No, I'm not coming. My nipple stings.
763
00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:51,960
Ahh! Mmm!
764
00:42:57,880 --> 00:43:00,320
[Mandy and Joe moaning]
765
00:43:02,920 --> 00:43:05,920
Do you think they're humping,
or dressing each other's wounds?
766
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:07,240
Dunno.
767
00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:10,640
I know.
768
00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:12,920
No, I need to get off.
769
00:43:13,000 --> 00:43:15,840
Feels like you're scrubbing my muff
with steel wool.
770
00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:18,920
[both laugh]
771
00:43:19,520 --> 00:43:21,080
I've learnt my lesson, though.
772
00:43:21,680 --> 00:43:24,760
What? Don't interfere
in other people's love lives?
773
00:43:24,840 --> 00:43:26,160
Fuck, no!
774
00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:29,280
That's one of the few true pleasures
left to a woman.
775
00:43:31,240 --> 00:43:32,760
So what's the lesson?
776
00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:36,480
Buy ear-plugs
when Mandy's got a bloke over.
777
00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:37,960
[Mandy] Ohh!
778
00:43:39,400 --> 00:43:40,760
[both giggling and groaning]
779
00:43:49,080 --> 00:43:50,760
Do you wanna shag?
780
00:43:50,840 --> 00:43:52,800
-Drown out the noise?
-Yeah.
781
00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:57,120
-[groans]
-Oh, no, no! You're too hairy!
782
00:43:57,200 --> 00:43:58,920
-No! Get off me!
-[Jamie laughs]
783
00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:07,760
So, what is it you've got to tell me
in such a rush?
784
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:09,720
What the fuck are you doing?
785
00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:11,240
Sorry.
786
00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:13,560
I thought... I mean...
787
00:44:13,640 --> 00:44:16,040
Stuff it!
You should enjoy the view while you can.
788
00:44:16,120 --> 00:44:19,680
-How you mean?
-I'm expecting.
789
00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:24,840
Don't worry, it's not yours.
You're good, but you're not that good.
790
00:44:24,920 --> 00:44:26,960
I'm 12 weeks gone.
791
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:29,320
More's the pity. I liked you.
792
00:44:29,400 --> 00:44:32,640
-So, what have you got to tell me?
-It's not important.
793
00:44:35,800 --> 00:44:39,400
He's a lucky bloke, you know,
this baby's dad.
794
00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:41,360
Yeah. He is.
795
00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:50,720
[crows crowing]
796
00:44:54,160 --> 00:44:56,520
[footsteps approaching]
797
00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:10,160
How are you?
798
00:45:17,240 --> 00:45:20,280
[Monica] There was a young woman
from Chatsworth
799
00:45:20,360 --> 00:45:24,520
Who had dreams, ambitions and other stuff
800
00:45:24,600 --> 00:45:28,840
But she lost her good cheer
and ended up here
801
00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:31,680
So she could probably just do
what she wants now
802
00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:35,840
And look after herself,
cos every other bastard does
803
00:45:35,920 --> 00:45:39,520
I know it don't rhyme,
but poems don't have to, do they?
804
00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:41,360
Not these days.
805
00:45:41,440 --> 00:45:42,720
[The "James Bond Theme" plays]
806
00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:04,200
[Frank] Oh!
807
00:46:04,280 --> 00:46:05,720
[The "James Bond Theme" ends]
808
00:46:46,440 --> 00:46:47,600
Enough?
809
00:46:47,680 --> 00:46:50,120
More. I'm doubling up from now on.
59579
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