All language subtitles for 56 My Rule Of Thumb

At Sacred Heart, there are certain
things you can always count on.

Dr Kelso will systematically
break Ted's spirit.

Ted, I meant to tell you
eight months ago,

all those days of vacation
you saved up expire right...

Now.

I was going to visit the Alamo with the
guys from my public... speaking class.

Turk will start a fight
with Carla that he'll lose.

This wedding is about us.
How come I can't be comfortable?

How many times must I tell you
you're not wearing sweats?

I don't have to wear sweats.
I'll wear slacks.

I'm also wearing a cape and
I'll stand on the altar like...

I do!

I'm marrying this.
This is gonna be my husband.

Sean and Elliot will try
to keep their relationship going.

I love these new camera phones
you got us.

Really?

Did you get it? No?

And the Janitor will think
of new ways to torture me.

Hey... Don't open your locker
for the next couple of days.

Why?

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To break the pattern,
you need something shocking to happen.

Like, say, Dr Cox
being in a good mood.

You know, pal, after three long years of
watching you climb that transplant list,

I finally have a liver
with your name on it.

Check Mr Iverson into Sacred Heart
for the last time, will ya?

When Dr Cox is in a good mood,
it flows out of him

like a cool breeze that lifts
the spirits of everyone it touches.

Oh, it's going to be a great day.

Frick!

Not today. Life's too good.

Chicken.

Come on, Turk,
I got two minutes left on my break.

- How long is this surgery gonna take?
- Cut the guy some slack.

Surgery is not as easy as it looks.

He's gotta make the incision,
cut the wrong artery, panic,

collapse in a ball of tears
in the corner.

After that, he's gotta wash up,
check the board

and find out who he'll be killing
after lunch. It's a grind.

You're always taking shots at Turk,

but you've never told me
what you think of him.

There's the right pitch.
I think that...

Hold that thought.

I would love to hear
what you have to say.

I don't think so, bowling ball.

Spill it. Carla tells me everything.

Except about that curling iron
you have in your locker.

It slipped.

It's back. Look, if it makes it easier,
you can just pretend I'm Carla.

I can totally do this.

- Carla...
- What?

I think your fianc� is a self-involved,
bobble-headed jock-itch

who is not good enough for you.
Not now, not ever.

If your wedding is in Spanish, how
will I know you're officially married?

My cousins will throw tortillas
in the air and fire their guns.

Really?

Oh, God, I wish I was ethnic.

It's always hard to work
with terminally ill patients.

Ted's helping Maggie with her will.

Thanks again, Ted. How'd you get through
60 pages so quickly?

Miss Himsel, it helps to
not really know what you're doing.

Stop it, Ted. You're a great lawyer.

I love her.

Maggie, you seem so
at peace with everything.

There's only one thing I'll regret.
I'm 38 years old and I'm a virgin.

- Me too.
- Elliot.

Sorry. It's from playing
in a Christian rock band,

which was bull,
because everyone slept with everyone.

- Sorry.
- That's OK.

I was waiting
for someone special.

Now I feel like I've missed out on one
of the fundamental experiences of life

for no good reason.

Is there anything we can do?

Don't people sometimes pay for sex?

Oh, boy, do they! I slept with Jenny
Johnson's brother in high school.

He told all his friends
what my orgasm face looked like.

Three of them posed like that for their
yearbook photos. I paid for that.

Elliot, she means pay money for sex.

I got a story about that too. Not about
me. My mom. She gets Ionely.

Isn't it great being so comfortable,
you don't have to talk?

Anyway, the point is,
silence is awesome.

Sorry, I'm a little preoccupied.

I walked in on my sister and Perry
this morning. Can you imagine?

Relax, Newbie, the gimp is chained up.

- Careful, though, Randall got loose.
- Who?

Why?

Powerful tiny fists.

I gotta get out of there.
Could I crash at your house?

Sure. Just bring your own toilet paper.

It's kind of a little rule
we have with our guests.

Preferably something two-ply.

- How's it going?
- I'm crashing at your place tonight.

- Cool. Bring toilet paper.
- I already told her.

- How'd you get Dr Cox to like you?
- Dr Cox said he liked me?

- You missed the point.
- Three things.

Where was he, what inflection
did he use, was he drinking?

I don't care.
Drinking makes you truthful.

Carla's gonna have a
pre-wedding panic attack.

What if she has her buddy Dr Cox there
to tell her what a jackass I am?

Then what?

You know what?
I'm glad he was drunk.

Thank you.

- How was the liquor store, big guy?
- What are you talking about?

Your six pack. Much love.

I don't know what you're talking about,

if you're sucking up to me
or making a pass at me,

but I say skip it and we continue
in our state of mutual disdain.

Dr Cox, you got it all wrong, man.

I don't disdain you.
It's quite the opposite. I "dain" you.

If you get to know me better,
you just might dain me too.

That's interesting. It's gibberish,
but it's interesting.

I'm gonna go ahead and pass
and here's why:

You're a typical surgeon. As a rule you
guys are insensitive and egotistical,

and you have the humour
of a fourth grader.

That's just not true.

Who wants to touch my giant balls?

Damn.

Your kidney's healed
enough to release you,

but no sparring in karate class
for two months.

Two months?
That's a real punch in the crotch.

Could you stop using that expression?
I can't get it out of my head.

Ladies, explain to me
why you are so concerned

with my policy on patients having sex?

- No reason. Trying to learn.
- Just curious. I love you.

Well, why not make it the same
as my sex policy with my wife:

Absolutely not. Now make me a sandwich.

- So, you and Jordan had a kid.
- Parenthood's amazing.

You're all set.

Some peon from surgery's gonna
do your pre-op then you're good to go.

Room service. Who ordered the liver?

- Jackass.
- Bite me.

Great guy.

Laverne, my girlfriend's coming.
Would you mind giving her my keys?

I shacked up with a man before I was
married, too. His name was Jesus.

Our generation has the same morals
and values as yours.

Come on, let's find a man-whore.

See ya.

She's not moving in permanently.
She's just crashing for a while.

About a year ago, Jordan said
she wanted to crash for a while.

Now my office is a nursery,
my closet is my office,

my clothes are in the entertainment
centre, my TV is in the john,

which I guess is kind of nice,
I don't even know any more.

Same thing happened to me.

After my divorce, I told Marianna
I'd crash at her place a few weeks.

We've been sharing a bed
for eight years.

- Isn't Marianna your mother?
- Who are we talking about, you or me?

Here's the rule. The moment
her toothbrush hits your sink,

you've got yourself a permanent roomie.

How long will you be staying?

For a while.

Downy soft.

There'll be toilet paper everywhere.

Gotta go.

Hey, real sorry about
the whole mom situation, there.

- She has cold toes.
- Ted, don't be that guy.

What guy?

What guy?

This is so exciting. The closest
I've ever come to breaking the law

was when Alex Peterson
sold his mom's Virginia Slims.

- Was he a Blood or a Crip?
- He was Lutheran.

This is it. Stop the car. Keep the
meter running. We'll be right back.

What a rush!
I've never slept with a prostitute

but if it is half as much fun
as buying one, sign me up.

Quiet down back there.

Sorry.

Though I won't perform the transplant,
I am a key member of the team.

It's too complicated
to explain what it is I do,

but in layman's terms,
I guess you'd call it watching.

- Could you excuse me one second?
- Sure.

I taught him that.
Well struck, Barry.

Let's finish up here, OK?
Have you been smoking?

- No, sir.
- Drinking?

No. Oh, I had a couple of glasses of
champagne at my daughter's wedding.

But a little champagne's
no big deal, huh?

Nah.

Look, Barry's a great guy.

I totally forgot the rule to the
transplant list is no drinking,

unless Cox says you're a great guy.

Come on, the guy's been
on the list for three years.

- This is a no-brainer.
- You're right.

He's out.

This is why you shouldn't get
emotionally invested in your patients.

Hey, Bob-O, now when the dark prince
does finally call you home,

please promise me that
you'll donate your body to science.

I don't mean medical science,
I mean NASA.

Because when those buzz-cuts
have given up

on figuring out
exactly what a black hole is,

and get one look at that space
where your heart was supposed to be,

well, they're just gonna say:
"Aw, shucks. That's what it is."

Hey, champ, what has two thumbs
and doesn't give a crap?

Bob Kelso. How ya doing?

You're gonna have to tell her
she can't move in.

It's no big deal.
It's not like she has the keys yet.

God, I'm horrible at giving bad news.

Wait, I'm a doctor.
I give bad news all the time.

Just like I did with Mr Clark
this morning.

Who does his daughter
always remind me of?

Molly Ringwald.

She was good in The Breakfast Club.
I should rent that again.

Come on, focus! You have to tell her.

God, I need something
to get me out of this. Anything.

Hello?

Yes, this is JD.

I'd love to pick you up at jail.

- Slim, what are you in for?
- Robbery.

Prostitution.

Would you please stop
enjoying this so much?

Photo-op. Slammer.

Get your arm off me before
I throw that phone in the street.

Who wants to tell me what happened?
Lucy? Ethel?

Oh, hey, Dr Turk, you old,
turtle-headed pain in the ass.

Dammit, Perry. That is so not
what you came down here to say.

You're better than that.
Turn the car around.

The worm has turned, huh?
Don't bother.

You see, that's what's wrong
with you medical guys.

You...

...never...

...know...

...when to...

...face reality and realise things
are never gonna change between us.

Hell, yeah.

It's so nice to have real food again.

Elliot, they didn't even feed us.

I love how much you guys
care about your patients.

Wow, Danni is so sweet.
What am I worried about?

Jordan and I are from here.
Our friend Chuck's a stripper.

He knows tons of guys who'd love
to have sex with your patient.

What the hell? What's it gonna be like
when she's at my place?

Danni, can you have the guys practise
in the other room please?

Stop being such a fuddy-duddy.

Now, who haven't I slept with yet?

There'll be banana-hammocks everywhere.

Let's roll.

Excellent work, everyone.

You're new here so I wanted to offer you
the chance to assist me in a bypass.

By that, I mean we'd bypass the kissing
and go straight to the...

Oh, my God, you're a dude?

Sorry, Larry.

I feel so bad.
Look, I'll make it up to him.

I will hook him up with that chick.

Dude, that's Larry again.

Hello and welcome to McSurgeons.
May I take your order?

Yeah, I was thinking about getting
a simple operation

with no unexpected
complications, please.

Gosh, I'm sorry,
we're fresh out of those.

But, if you have a child maybe you'd
like to try one of our infection meals.

That'll be $ 7,000.
Please pay at the second window.

- I'm getting sick of this.
- Oh, I'm sorry. Are you talking?

I've decided to keep
my finger on the button

so I can't hear anything
that's going on in there.

For fairness' sake, I've decided
to do your end of the conversation.

It goes something like this:

...cool hip-hop lingo...

Anyway, I've come up with
a whole new plan about Mr Iverson.

If you wanna take that liver away
because we're having some personal beef,

you go and tell the man yourself.

Don't worry, sweetheart,
this'll be over in a second.

Please, stop.

It's the hips that fool me.

Chuck gave up stripping
to become a city councilman.

- Same job, different outfit.
- True dat.

Elliot. You ain't as ghetto
as you think you are!

Let's see how Maggie's doing.

- Can I help you?
- No. He told me to say "hi".

That's our new transplant patient.

You picked her, so I'm quite sure
she is so very nice.

She's alienated every member
of my surgical team.

You're not even on the surgical team.

I'm a very important part of the team...
I'm a very important part of the team.

I see, so that's it? You say she gets
the liver and that's the way it goes?

She gets the liver
because she followed the rules.

Dr Cox,
I know it's hard on you medical guys,

you spend time with your patients
and get emotionally attached.

As a surgeon, the person I'm closest to
is the guy who's giving us the liver.

Because it's a gift.

It's important it goes to the person

that's proven they're
up to the responsibility.

Holy cow, I get it. I gotta collect
myself. That's very touching.

You know I'm right.

Sometimes we forget that
rules are there for a reason.

Other times, well...

- She's sleeping.
- So?

There's cupcakes
down in paediatrics.

Other times,
rules are meant to be broken.

You are so beautiful.

That was worth the wait.
You are a stallion.

Once in a while you have to
throw all the rules out the window

and know that
everything's gonna be OK.

I feel really good about this.

Me too.

Or not.

Of course, some rules
are just plain silly.

Big plans for tonight?

It's Turk's stupid rule.
I don't wanna talk about it.

Hey! You never told me
what you really think of Turk.

He is a complete tool.

But I suppose you could do a lot worse.

Thanks.

Yeah.

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