All language subtitles for Sick.Girl.2023.1080p.WEB-DL.EAC3.DDP5.1.H264.UK.Subs

Whoo!

One, two, three!

Toss me a beer!

Beer distributor
is closed. Sorry!

- Bye!
- Come on,

give us something!

I'll give you something!

- Whoo!
- Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Whoo, whoo, whoo!

- Hey!
- Whoo, whoo, whoo!

That was my bathing suit!

I love you, bitches!

And one day,
we're taking over the world.

- Yeah, we are! Get over here.
- Whoo!

Come here, come here,
come here, come here...

Your ta-ta's
look different than my mom's.

Whose are nicer?

I wanna watch Lalaloopsy,
and you're in my seat.

Shh, honey bunny.

Mom!

Aunt Wren is sleeping
on the couch again,

and I wanna watch Lalaloopsy!

Oh, that's loud, babe.

Let's turn the volume down
to, like, a two.

- Coffee?
- Yeah.

Fix your boob. Come with me.

What? Oh, crap.

- No.
- No?

- Mm-mm.
- I mean, shit.

Poopy?

Crap.

- Crap, crap, crap, crap...
- Stop. Stop. Stop.

- Crap, crap, crap, crap...
- Rough night?

I think so.

Maybe, yeah.

You know, you gotta stop
using this place

as your crash pad.

I don't want my daughter
remembering this in ten years

and getting inspired
to "pull a Wren."

God.

I'd take back my spare key,

but you'd probably just start
using the doggie door again.

So, what are we
doing today?

Mm. Probably
something with beans.

Did you just say "beans"?

Yeah, I did.

Corey's really into beans.

She likes to,
like, sort them

into little piles, you know?

Sometimes she'll make,
like, big piles.

Recently, she's been making
shapes with the beans,

which is really exciting,
so it's a big win for us.

So she's gonna sort beans
while I sit next to her

and sleep with my eyes open.

Kinda like...

like that.
You know what I mean?

Does it look like
I'm paying attention?

Oh, I was waiting
for the punchline.

That's, that's a real thing
that's happening?

I can't get her off of it.

It's all day.

Where is my phone?

You are exposing your crotch
to my child again.

- This is so great.
- Oh, no. Got it!

Thank you for the hospitality.

Yeah, it's been
a lovely morning. Thank you.

Where's the other one?

Yeah, you know what,

keep it.

- Okay.
- Bye!

I am so over her drama.

Yeah.

You're exercising again.

So fun.

So when's the big race?

It's called a marathon.

I know. I did one, remember?

- Mm. The scoliosis thing?
- Yeah.

That was a 5K,
and you didn't even finish.

- What's the diff?
- Like, 21 miles.

Holy shit.
You're doing 21 miles?

Twenty-six-point-two, baby!

Why? Why would you do that?
That's, that's--

That's, like, torture. Why?

You wanna jog
with me for a little while?

No, I'm a smoker.

What about later?

Dinner, drinks, maybe
a little heart-to-heart?

I'm not drinking
until after the marathon.

You know that, okay?
And I'm not eating after seven.

Intermittent... You get it.
I'll, I'll call you, okay?

Listen, I gotta go.

- You're not coming with me?
- No!

- You sure?
- No.

- I'll race you. All right.
- No.

Bye! Love you!

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
So much love.

- Oh, hey!
- Hey!

Hey, Beau. Say hi
to your Aunt Wren.

I'm just kidding.
He can't speak.

Well, hello. I didn't know
you were coming.

No, I didn't.

I didn't know
that Mama was bringing

the little smelly felly.

Why else would I be here?

You know I fuckin' hate grass.

To buy drugs off
of scabby teenagers?

I'm just kidding.
Unless you want to.

I could just mosey over there
and ask them.

- They look sketchy A.F.
- Mm-hmm.

Seriously. Those guys
definitely have narcotics.

Oh, you know what?

They think that
I'm his babysitter.

Yeah. I just look
too young to be a mom.

Since when do babysitters
wear power suits?

They both wanna fuck me.

Isn't that hilarious?

It's 'cause I look like
a young Elle Fanning.

It happens all the time.

Anyway, um, what's up?

Oh, I don't know. I mean,

I just feel like you guys
are so busy all the time.

- No, not in front of the kids.
- What?

I miss you guys, you know?

- Mm.
- I miss hanging out.

- The anticipation
of the weekend--

Oh! I gotta
take this call.

- Can you just take him?
- What? No.

- Yeah, just, just take him.
- No.

- I gotta get this.
- No. This is not safe...

- Oh, wait. Oh, my God.
- ...for me or him.

I forgot the bottle.

- Oh, gosh.
- You'll be fine.
You'll be fine.

Just sing to him or something.

Irish car bomb, laddy!

Mm-mm. Mm.

Ooh!
Make it two.

Oh.

Shit. Oh, shit.

Freshen me up!

That's what my nana
used to say

when she wanted to order
another highball.

You've had enough.
You're cut off.

Whatever. I don't need you.
There's other bars.

Hold up.
You still got a tab to pay.

"You got a tab to pay."

You're not the dad of me.

You give me the money now.

What are you
gonna do about it? Huh?

I'm out of here, bro.

- Syke!
- Hey! Wait!

The last time I was here,
I was with my friends.

Now, I'm all alone.

All alone.

- All alone.
- Are they...

Are they serving
breakfast yet?

They just moved on.

I mean, it's like
a betrayal, really.

Double time, cappy.

And march.

I mean, why does it have
to change?

Why does everything
have to change?

Everyone's changed,
changed, changed,

and they're just
all okay with it.

I'm not okay with it.

Pepper,
you made bail.

I was framed.

So, thank you.

- Dude, what the fuck?
- I know. I'm sorry.

Why would you attack
a bartender?

You love bartenders.
They control the fuckin' liquor!

Yeah, with an iron fist.

Why are you still
wearing my Crocs?

Fuck.

- Really?
- Sorry.

What is going on with you?
I already have a kid.

I do not want another kid.

I'm not a kid.

They don't put kids
in the slammer.

That's like the one place
that's left for adults only.

Jesus, Wren. I can't
just bail you out of jail

or, or rescue you,
or be your wingman

every time you wanna go out
and get fucked up!

Okay? I have
responsibilities!

Oh, my God. I can't believe

that you are turning
me into this person.

This person sucks!

You know what?
Maybe we should just cancel

this birthday thing
tomorrow because...

- What? No!
- ...I have to sleep.

Really?

What couldn't wait?
I've been gone a half an hour.

You can't do this
by yourself?

She what?

With a cucumber?

Why was it out?

I am coming!

Jesus! God!

I'm about to abandon
all you motherfuckers!

Holy crap!

Look at me.
Look at me right now.

I am tired.

Do you understand that?

To the very marrow of my bones.

It is in my soul.

Can you even
understand that...

level of fatigue?

Get the fuck out of my car!

Get out!

I just wanna remind you,
it's my birthday tomorrow, so...

Technically, it's right now

'cause it's after midnight,
so it's my birthday--

I'm not wishing you
a happy birthday,

- if that's what you
want right now.
- You'll do it tomorrow.

Love you.

Fuck!

Hey, Corey.

- Hey.
- What are you doing?

- Happy birthday!
- Hi!

Oh, my God.
You look hot!

Thank you! You look...

Um...

- kind.
- Thanks.

- Aw.
- So, um,

where are we going tonight?

- Happy, happy!
- Hey!

Hi. Sorry we're late.
Someone had a meltdown.

Oh. Your kids are here.

Good.

Are we having food?
Let's do this.

Sorry, our sitter canceled.
She had to go to...

The Fray concert
or something.

Well, somebody forgot
to call ours. It wasn't me.

It was Nick.
Nick is the one who forgot.

I did. Yeah.
Everything's my fault.

- Could you act sorry?
- What is the big deal?

It's not like we're
at a restaurant or something.

Oh.

Another cocktail?

Wren?

Wren, another cocktail?

Yes.

He had one job.

He's at home all day
writing a book.

More like stroking his balls.

I mean, there's no hair left.

You want some...?

Not even one glass?
You're so disciplined.

Remember when you used to eat

chocolate covered pretzels
dipped in butter?

I do remember that.

Remember when
your asshole brother said

that I looked like a big toe...

Hey.

Remember when we used
to spend time together

instead of alleging to be
collapsing from exhaustion

or swamped with work

or "a small child's life
depends on you"? I mean--

I think we're doing pretty good
despite those "claims" of ours.

Guys,
we don't see each other.

We don't even
hang out anymore.

We, we, we-- we're barely
ever together as a group.

Yeah. Well,
that's how it goes.

- I mean, that's life.
- You act like

- you have no control over it.
- Control over what?

Getting older. We don't.
We die or we age. Two options.

Fighting is an option.

Not the aging thing,
but you can fight changing.

Oh, no. You can absolutely
fight aging, and win.

What happened to us? Right?
What, what, what, what--

What happened to us?
We used to be a thing,

like a moving unit.

Sorry, what are we
talking about?

Bitch, drop the damn phone.

Look at us. Look at this.

What has happened here
between us?

There's nothing.
W-where's the chemistry?

Where's the, like--

It's my birthday, and you're
not even talking to me.

I mean, can we, can we just,
like, focus a little bit

and, and not just, like,
run through the motions?

I feel like we need to rebel
against this generic death march

- that the rest of society
stumbles down.
- "Generic death march."

Like the work, marry,
kids, menopause, die.

A-are we kidding?
Why am I the only one
freaking out over this?

Maybe 'cause
it's your birthday?

- What?
- Is that what it is?

- You're very single.
- And lonely?

What? No, that's not why
I'm freaking--

Okay, I'm just gonna
say it, all right?

I am just going to say it.
There is no life in our lives.

Remember, we had
all these plans?

We were gonna take over
the world, right?

Jill, I mean, you just forgot,
and now I am reminding you,

so it's all...
Jill, seriously.

Wren, we didn't forget.

We were just teenagers
when we said that.

Kids, can you please

just keep it quiet
over there?

Teenagers say that shit,
and then we grow up.

Are you implying
that I didn't?

No, you're putting words
in my mouth right there.

Why don't you chill
with the temper tantrum?

- Yeah, you're fine.
- I mean, maybe you just got

a little stuck
after high school.

Stuck? Stuck?

I did not peak in high school!

I am in my pri--
Goddamn it, Jill!

Mommy!

- Jesus Christ!
- Oh, my God, Wren!

My God, Wren!
What are you doing?

What happened? Is he bleeding?

- Wren, what are you doing?
- Oh, my God.

- Are you crazy?
- I have cancer!

I'm so sorry!

What? Oh, what?

- No!
- Oh, my God.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Fuckity-fuck sticks!

Thanks for
coming in today.

- Receipt is in the bag.
- Okay.

Thank you so much.

Good to...
Good to see you.

Did you see
that lady over there?

The one that
was breastfeeding?

Yes. It's disgusting.

Oh. No.

Yeah, that's not the--

Anyway, um,

back in high school,
she was crazy.

I'm talking sex, drugs,
shoplifting, carjacking.

She was my hero.

What were you like
in high school?

Did you run around
and tear shit up?

I had my moments. I, uh,

I enjoyed creating
comic books.

Okay, yeah.
So you get it. Sort of.

Um...

What's the-- the worst lie
that you've ever told?

I don't lie.
It's a sign of weakness.

Okay. Well, um...

Would you be mad
if somebody implied

that you peaked in high school?

- I was homeschooled.
- That makes sense.

Oh, thank you.

But-- but, no, no.
No, I would not be mad.

I mean, 98.9% of the people
are, are, are sheep.

Their opinions
are meaningless.

Okay. Well,

let's just say
you did care, right?

And it caused you to do
something crazy,

some might even say
unforgivable,

in the heat of the moment.

You couldn't be held
responsible for that, right?

Because you were
provoked, right?

I've lost interest
in this conversation.

Excuse me.

Hey, Malcolm.

- What's up?
- My guy.

- Who are you?
- We're Wren's friends.

- We've met you numerous times.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- We're here to steal Wren.

Is that okay? We don't wanna
take up any of her sick days.

Why are you whispering?

Oh, um, we're trying
to be respectful...

- Yeah.
- ...because of cancer.

Oh. You guys have cancer?

- No.
- Not the three of us.

- No,
- Uh, Wren.

W-wren has cancer?

- You-- you didn't know?
- No, I didn't... Wren?

Oh, my God. Wren.

- Oh.
- Oh. Is she cleaning

- the floors?
- Should she do that?

Wh-- Well, what are you--

- What are you doing about it?
- Me?

You, uh, her, whoever.

Oh, uh, we're taking her to a...

- a pool and spa.
- Yeah.

Well, well, will that help?

They offer a treatment
called, um...

"Healing Hands".

- I've heard of that, I think.
- Have you?

- That--
- Yeah, but...

Wren's used up
all her personal days

- and her sick days, plus four.
- Plus four?

Well, I suppose
I could disregard

all the tenants of honor
and personal accountability

I hold my life to and,

- and let this slide, but--
- Mmm.

- Right.
- Okay, yes.

Go immediately
or I'll change my mind.

- Okay.
- Thank you so much.

- Thank you!
- Bye.

Thank you.

Ah, Jesus. That sucks.

Now I'm gonna have
to train a newbie.

She's stealing.

What the heck's going on
with the footwear?

I told you already.
Nobody looks at my feet, okay?

I have gorgeous feet.

So, Wren. We should--
We should talk.

Yeah, there are things
that we need to know.

Yeah, like what kind
of cancer do you have?

- Tonsil.
- What?

Yeah, um, throat.
Tonsil cancer.

Oh, from smoking.

- Oh!
- Yeah, that, that--

that would be
the most logical assumption.

That might not be so bad
because the tonsils
are actually very small.

Yeah, exactly.

They could probably
just chop it off, you know?

- Mmm.
- Oh.

We also need to say

that we feel incredibly shitty

about the way things
went down the other night.

About that. Uh...

Guys. I, uh... Thank you.

You guys,

look, this is
really nice, but...

Is that okay to do

- with your tonsils?
- Ooh, yeah.

There's something that I...

- really need to admit to you.
- It's fine.

You missed Dale's eye
by, like, a solid inch.

- No.
- No one was fatally hurt.

Does he now jump when
he hears loud noises? Yeah.

Is there a twitch?
Also, yeah.

But nothing that, uh, time
and therapy won't help.

And Nick wanted Dale
to toughen up a little bit.

Uh, we wouldn't have done it
by chucking a phone at his head,

but whatever works.

Yeah. I should've known
something was wrong

from the way you were acting.

You kinda freaked us out,
to be honest.

We were, like, what kind
of adult woman acts like that?

- Yeah.
- But now it all makes sense.

And you were right.
We should see each other

- more often, and we will.
- Yeah.

- We will?
- Heck, yeah.

I mean, you're single,
so we're kind of all you have.

Oh, my God. Shut up!

- What?
- Just stop talking.

Wren, friendship
is important.

That's the point, okay?

We all need
to make time for that.

Especially now.
We're gonna be
here by your side

- through all of this.
- Right. Friends till the end.

Not that you're
gonna die soon.

Jill! Shh!

Uh, "shh" to you!

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Anyway, Laurel found
a cancer support group,

so she's gonna
take you there tonight.

No. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no. I can't do that.

- Sure you can.
- A hundred percent.

Guys, that's not
spending time together.

That's spending time with
strangers, and you know what?

Who likes talking to strangers?

Besides, this...

This...

this is the only support
I can handle right now.

Go, fucker! You dildo-popping
son-of-a-clit mother...

Jesus!

Zen. I've been doing yoga,
but this is why...

I hate driving. Next time,
we'll take our bikes.

That way it's easier
to get physical when
someone pisses you off.

I don't have a bike.

Well, then,
you don't have a future.

At least not one without
insulin. Are you kidding?

You-you wanna say goodbye
to your fuckin' toes?

- No.
- I'll give you one of mine.

Bikes, not toes.

I have four, okay?
Their terrain-specific,

super grippy on the handles,
you know? Vroom, vroom.

Uh! Those bad boys
will get you to and from,

that's for sure.

How did you even find out
about this place anyway?

This chick at my gym.
Her brother has cancer,

and she says he likes
these meetings.

She says it's like a potluck,
you know?

BYOC. I know

you are fucking kidding me.

Here we are!

Okay.

- I guess I'll go in now.
- Go ahead.

I'm just gonna wait here
the whole time.

I'll park and run laps.

I'm good, actually. I can--

I can Uber back later.

No, I wanna be here for you.

- I'm here for you.
- You're here right now.

- Thank you so much.
- I will be here forever.

Wha--

Like, I'm gonna
watch you walk in,

and I'm gonna be here
when you-- when you come out.

It's like the first day
of school. Fun, right?

I'm like--
I'm like your mom.

- I just won't leave.
- Or I could Uber later.

- No.
- I'll be good.
You don't have to wait.

- I'm good.
- No, no, no. I'm your Uber.

I'm your Postmates.
I'm your Tinder.

Oh. Okay. Uh, all right.

- Have fun.
- All right. Thank you.

C-A-N-C-E-R!

I'm just
trying to be supportive.

You okay?

Do we have to participate?

What, you mean,
like, talk and shit?

Nah, nah, nah.
It's not like that.

Chill.

Seriously,
you'll be fine.

This is the easy part.

Why? What happens later?

No, I'm saying this part's
a breeze, you know what I mean,

compared to the rest of it.

Quick question.

Have you ever told,
like, a massive lie

that you can't really--

Well, aren't you fetching.

Well, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

You're pretty
fetching yourself. Mm.

What?

Hello, everyone. Welcome.

Let's get started with a prayer.

Heavenly Father, we gather today
to thank you for your great love

and blessings over our lives.

Were you hitting
on me in a cancer support group?

- ...with our illnesses and we ask you...
- What if I was?

...for your guidance
so that we might walk fully

- in your blessedness...
- Isn't that against the rules?

They did it
in Fight Club.

...to hear your voice
and make us strong by your...

- Leo, what up?
- What's up, man?

Good to see you, Derek.
By the way, uh, this is Wren.

- She's new.
- Hi.

Hello. Hi.

Man, you are really nailing
the whole charisma thing.

Strong, firm handshake,
super intense eyes.

You're like the Tom Cruise
of cancer.

Tom Crancer.

What kind of cancer
do you have?

It's primarily
in the tonsil arena, and--

but it-it has wandered
into the, uh, throat-al,

um, region, as well.

Yeah, that one can be tough.

Yeah. Wait, what? As--

What do-- what do you mean?
Is there a lot of symptoms,

or, um, are they visible...
Hair loss?

I don't know any specifics.

You should talk
to your doctor about that.

It's such a pleasure
meeting you, Wren.

Oh. Oh. Okay.

Well, this was, uh, yeah.

It was very insightful,
and, uh, um, healing,

and, um, beneficial,
and just so, so wonderful.

Thank you for the, uh,
general wellness.

Is it weird to pick someone up
at a cancer support group?

Yeah. A hundred percent.

What about Fight Club?

Oh, I totally forgot
about Fight Club.

- We should watch that later.
- We totally should.

Advertising has us
chasing cars and clothes...

- Mm.
- ...working jobs we hate

- so we can buy shit
we don't need.
- Mm, mm, mm, mm.

- Mmm.
- First rule of Fight Club is

you do not talk about...

Hey!

Ugh.

- Hey.
- We're here!

What, what--
What are you guys doing?

We are here
to fix you, okay?

- We got sitters.
- You did?

How are you feeling?
Any better?

- Um...
- Have you, um...

Have you discharged
any vomit...

- What is...?
- ...or anything yet?

- Chips?
- Um, what is she doing?

What, what--
what are you doing?

I mean, "You cannot
heal your body

if you insist on fueling it
with garbage."

- You gotta read the book.
- Mm-hmm.

You know what? I've got a--
a really cool idea.

So, I, um...

I ran into this, uh,
doctor at the hospital

that told me about all these
natural healing techniques

that we could try, and, um,

one of them
is a healing circle.

We-we sit in a circle,

and then when we're there,

you guys think
healing thoughts, right?

You would think them, and then
you would just beam them...

- Whoa.
- ...um, kinda, like, at me,

sort of like a little,
little love missiles.

- Mm-hmm.
- And then it turns

into healing.

It-it, like, heals.

It's the mind.
It's, like, the, the most--

- Science of the mind.
- Yeah.

- It's the most natural--
- It's very powerful stuff.

Exactly.

We have the ability to heal
ourselves from within.

- Sure, yeah.
- So how about...

Maybe you could just...

...stop touching my stuff,
then we can call Laurel

and tell her to come over,
and, you know...

We can do this, make it a--
make it a thing.

- What do you think?
- Shoot you with love?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

I haven't read any of that
in this kind of--

It's not in that book.
It's an, um, it's a--

it's a book that they have
at the hospital.

What's it called?
I'd like to pick it up.

- I could just order it. Amazon.
- Um...

- Yeah, right now.
- It's called
The Circle of Life.

Circle...
It sounds familiar.

Circle of Life...
Uh, by Marianne Williamson?

Probably.

Was it on the Oprah list?

It might have been. Um,

but why don't
we just call Laurel

and-and get her to come
over here and try it, all right?

And are we clothed?

Mm.

We-- we, uh, we could do
something else.

Is there anything that,
um, that they suggested

to help the healing...

...along?

- Something--
- Yes.

Patients, um,
with social support

tend to feel
less anxious, depressed,

and have a better
quality of life.

So the point is,
basically,

that having you guys
around me a lot

is so important to me...

to my life... quality.

And...

But there are other techniques.

Um, such as massages,

day drinking, maybe
a carnival, vacations.

General spirit-lifters.

- Oh.
- "Vacations"? Plural?

Uh, vacations
meaning sunshine.

- Right?
- Okay.

- Because, uh...
- Yeah.

The sun has Vitamin D, right?

And, um, the exposure of D

has several benefits, like,

it synthesizes
the white blood cells...

- Mm-hmm. Right.
- ...which is good

because it also prevents...

"ricket."

What... what is ricket?

I think it's a bug.

- It's--
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No, this is good.
Laughing is holistic.

Mmm. 'Cause they do say that
laughter is the best medicine.

Gene Simmons?

- Richard Simmons?
- No. Who is this?

- J.K. Simmons?
- It's a very famous movie.

It was a huge hit.

Who is
the little boy behind her?

If that's Shane West...

that is...?

Shane West, Mandy Moore,

A Walk to Remember...

What is this?

"My only hope!"

Stop the lip quiver,
Mandy Moore.

- Oh!
- Oh!

I mean,
it's just a game.

- It's just a game.
- Yeah, no. It's a,

"Ha-ha, I love it.
Ha-ha. I'm so much fun."

Whoa, yeah, smoke.

- I'm doing it.
- - Do the thing you used to do

- with your nose.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, smoke...

Hey, Jake?
It's Jill.

Yeah, you remember me
from high school.

- Me.
- I wanna suck your hairy balls.

I do. What do you mean
I sound exactly the same?

Oh, my God.
His wife. His wife.

- Oh. Oh.
- Uh... oh, my God.

I might kiss you.

You're lucky, okay?
We've got nice toys.

Sit down there.
Just sit down and play.

Very good. Thank you.

Um, guys.

Come on. Come on.

- Let's-- let's go.
- What?

All right? Let's just--
Let's just...

Let's go.

Wren, I signed you in.
Why don't you just sit?

- We're staying. We're staying.
- I know, but I, I can sign out.

I can come back another day.

We should discuss
maybe getting a second opinion.

You know, we've all
been asking around

- for referrals.
- Oh.

- Mm-hmm.
- - I say, the more, the better.

What kind of insurance
do you have?

I'd like to call them
and find out exactly
what's covered

- so we can stay on top of your doctors.
- - Right.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, you know what? That's it.
I-I, I'm-I'm-I'm--

This has gone on far too long.

I'm gonna just say it.

I don't have cancer, okay?
It was a misdiagnosis,

and the doctors thought
that I did have cancer,

but it turns out
that they were wrong.

They checked again,
and it looks like

it was just a goiter.

- You don't have to lie
to mask your fear.
- Yeah.

I'm not lying.

- Fibbing?
- This is-- I'm telling you,

this is textbook behavior.

I just marked this page
in my book.

Another self-help book.
Are you kidding me?

Whoa. Why are you
attacking me right now?

Why do you read this stuff?
It's a pyramid scheme.

Do you know
what a pyramid scheme is?

- No.
- It's not buying a book.

- Wren Pepper?
- Let's go!

- Oh. Okay.
- All right.

- I'll hold your hand.
- Okay, we're gonna pack up, guys.

- Real quick, okay?
- You know what?

- We're gonna come
with you, okay?
- Guys, guys, you know what?

I think I have to go
on this journey alone.

- Yeah.
- Mm.

So?

- What did you find?
- Nothing.

Okay, well, um,
that's not possible.

Did you even read
my medical history?

The part that asks
how many cigarettes

and drinks I have
in one week?

There's definitely
something liquefying,

or hardening,
or exploding in there.

It's probably cancer.

No, you're perfectly healthy.

Maybe you need to do
a little bit more

of a thorough investigation?

Like, run some tests?

The real hardcore shit,
like, really get up in there

and, and, and take
a good look around.

Wren, you don't have cancer.

I could have cancer.

The body's a mystery.

You could, but you don't.

I really do think I do. I do.

I'm sorry, do you want cancer?

No!

Of course not.

But since when
does the universe

care what we want? Hmm?

This is an idiotic conversation.

Have you considered
seeing a therapist?

Wow. Yes, I have.

Hey, do I have
something in my teeth?

- No.
- You do.

What the--

- Where?
- Spot me, Dale.

- Spot me, brother.
- Where? Where?

- I didn't even eat any food.
- Dale, just sit down.

- Spot me.
- Thank you.

Wren?

Yeah?

Leo! Hey, are you okay?

Um, I've been better.

Do you need a ride home?

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.
I cannot find my glasses.

Will you-- will you make sure
they're strapped in?

I-I have so many bags

- and so many zippers--
- Ugh. Damn it. What is it?

Is it cross-cross
or bunny loops?

- Don't look at me.
I don't have a kid.
- I don't know how to--

- What the heck?
- I got it.

- Uh, really?
- I-- - Okay, I'm just gonna drive

- without glasses.
- - I really don't agree with this.

- I can walk.
- If anybody from work

saw me doing this...
It's so embarrassing.

- Okay, I got it, I got it.
- It's not closing!

- It's gonna close. I got it!
- I don't know how to do--

Oh, there it is. There it is.
We're good. We're good.

We're good. We are...

- This is so embarrassing.
- Everybody strapped in?

- Are you in?
- I hope you're all
comfortable.

- We are on the move.
- Dale! Dale!

Ooh, I wanna wear that.
Can I try that on?

No, don't teach Dale.

You know I can't really see
out of the rearview mirror.

- That's good.
- No, she's-- That's fine.

Wait! I'm not in the car!

This isn't funny!

Jill! Cece!

Whoa.

There you go.

Wait, what-what are--
What are you doing?
What are you doing?

What, what are you doing?
Wait, whoa.

I've seen a lot of people
wear hats like these

in cancer movies and stuff.

Oh, is it--

That's because they're bald.

- That makes sense.
- Stop watching movies.

You're fucking up my hair.

Jeez!

So, I see you had your whole
little crew in there today, huh?

You're not afraid they're gonna
start treating you differently?

Nope.

I was actually more afraid
that they wouldn't.

Huh.

Okay, well...

- I guess I'll just...
- head out.

My friends,

they don't know what to say,
or how to act.

It's like, have you ever had
to move neighborhoods

and switch sports teams
as a kid,

and your new team has a game
playing your old team,

and you see them, you just
wanna be back on their side,

when you was all the same,
but you can't.

They just keep playing
like nothing's changed.

Maybe even start
hating them a little.

And then you're like,
"Fuck, I already got cancer."

I don't wanna be all...

filled with hate.

So you just let 'em go,
you know?

You can't play sports
with your friends forever.

Ugh, I cannot believe
we used to do this all the time.

I feel sorry
for every one of us.

- Hey!
- No, I mean, I get it.

It's like, you know,
big night out,

nostalgia for the good old days,
et cetera, et cetera,

but it doesn't mean
I have to be cool

with this waiting-in-line crap.

Um, hey. Do you even feel well
enough to be doing this?

I mean, it just seems
like a weird thing

for that holistic doctor
to suggest.

Is he even really a doctor?

Actually, um, it's--
it's not weird because, uh,

there are several relevant
scientific medical studies

that state that normal behavior
is super crucial

for an effective and speedy,
healthy recovery.

And dancing
is great exercise, huh?

- Engages the core.
- There is nothing normal

about this,

Gosh, we look like we could be
these girls' older sisters.

I don't.

Yeah, we know.

What, is something wrong?

I mean, not with me.

Except that I look thirsty
by association
standing next to you.

- What did she just say?
- No, no, no. It's okay.

It's cool. It's cool.
It's cool. Shh. I got this.

You know what? I am thirsty.

But tonight, I'm gonna feed
on the blood of someone

way less basic than me.

So I'm gonna look for you
on the inside

so I can infuse
your coolness into my soul.

You're so beautiful.

Freak.

They're letting you in.
You wanna go?

Bye, guys. Thanks for listening
to me on that one.

Have fun in there.

Silly little cunt.

Did you like that?
I was like the Grim Reaper.

This place is popping
off the chain.

What are you drinking?

- Water.
- No!

Hey!

No. No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, ladies.

We are having fun tonight, okay?

No pussy-ing out.

Whoo!

Fucking finally!
Can we get, um--

Three Aperol frosés, please.

Mm. Are you serious?

Guys, guys! It's our song.
Let's go dance!

Whoa!

- Hey! Hey!
- Ah!

Motherfuck.

A'ight. Let's go,
you bunch of hot messes.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, go, go, go, yeah.

Could we just go to--
Could we just go...

- Yeah, all right.
- ...to an Apple store?

I need a new iPhone.

Well, um...

Thank you for bailing us
out of jail

and for driving us home.

Cece normally does that,
but this time she was with us,

so...

- Hey, um...
- Mm?

Not to sound all, like,
parental or whatever,

but you really
gotta watch yourself

drinking on them chemo drugs.

I mean, what do they
have you on, anyway?

Uh, pills

and IVs, sometimes.

What kind of IV?

I don't, I don't--
I don't know.

Chemotherapy drugs, probably.

Same, same shit as you.

I'm not on chemo.

But that day
at the hospital--

I was getting
a tumor ablation

to hold me over until I can
find a liver transplant.

Oh. Uh, well...

Honestly,
all those cancer terms,

they just go in one ear,
and then out the other.

I don't want the, um,
negativity to, uh, fester

and kinda stick
to my brain, so...

but I can drink on them.

- That, I know for sure.
- Mm-hmm.

- Because I asked. So...
- Oh.

- Okay.
- All good.

- Okay.
- But thank you

for your concern.

Where are we going?

Uh, the park by Jill's.

Wren, I think we're
getting off track here.

Yeah, I think the park
by Jill's is that way.

No, no. Off track
with the, the--

the healing tactics
for the-- for the cancer.

I know that the holistic doctor
is encouraging social stuff,

but I doubt he meant, you know,
getting high, getting wasted,

getting in bar fights,
and getting arrested.

- Yeah, well--
- I get that it's easier

to pretend that
this isn't happening,

but it is,

and all these distractions

are not gonna make
the cancer go away.

Whoa!

You're not glancing at the road,
like, not even a little bit.

I was.

Our lives are just
getting so different,

and you judged my lifestyle,
and I did too, and I'm so sorry.

And then this happened,
and suddenly, it's, like, shoot,

none of that stuff matters,
and, and I realize,

like, I had stopped seeing
all of your amazing qualities.

Like, you're brave
and you're such a good friend,

and you're so loyal.

I'm so sorry that I forgot,

and I'm not--

I'm sorry.

Okay, Ce. That's it. That's it.

I need you to pull over.
I have to tell you something.

I know. I love you too.

- No, it's not that.
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, everybody came!
- What?

Oh, this is so good.

- What?
- You're gonna like this.

"Ish." You might be mad, though.

What is this?

Oh, my God.

- No.
- Oh, she's here!

Get out there,
you little fucker!

- No, no.
- Come on.

We did a good thing.

I'm actually
not feeling good.

- Oh, no...
- What-- Did you have cold brew again?

So, a quick heads up,
this is all for you. Surprise!

It's a little fundraiser
for the, you know,

your medical bills
and all that stuff.

- You guys, this is not necess--
- No, too, too late! Ooh!

Your parents! Ah!
Your parents are coming.

- Your parents are coming.
- Oh, yeah.

- What?
- We thought that they knew.

- Sorry.
- No. No, no, no, no.

They do not know.

I told them that I was
out of the country.

Yeah, that caused
some confusion.

- Hello, Jill.
- Wren,

you didn't even tell us!

Do you realize
how that looks?

Tongues start to wag.
People talk. They judge!

- You should be ashamed. No.
- Uh...

I feel disappointed...

and...

ignored.

Not so much as a word
to your parents?

I know I wasn't
Mother of the Year, Wrenny,

- but was I that awful?
- Carol, knock it off!

Christ, it's been like this
the whole damn car ride!

Bad mother, this.
Bad father, that.

I'm losing
my goddamn mind here!

We had to hear it from Cece.

Why? What are you
trying to tell us

by not telling us
anything about your life?

I-I know there's
a message in there,

and I don't know
what it is, but I hear it.

I hear something,
and it is loud and clear.

So... So,
this is going well.

Cece! Why? Why?

I'm gonna get something
to eat. Where's the beef?

- Just... To the left--
- I got it.

- No, the other way. Yeah.
- I-I got it.

Watch out for the...

Wrenny, this cancer,

did the doctor say
it was from me?

We didn't know not to smoke
when we were pregnant.

It was a different time.
Everybody did it.

Everybody did it.
At least a pack a day.

I never should've taken
hallucinogenics though,

'cause I've never been the same.

That's on me.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh.

- My God.
- Mom?

Mom, please don't cry.

Should we leave?

Don't you even dare.

Your whole piggy bank?

You're going to heaven.

You were such
a good student. So motivated.

I'd really like it if you would
come talk to my students

- about your ordeal.
- Hmm.

I-I'd really rather not.

No, she'll do it.

- What do you mean? Come on.
- You would love to.

She would love to.

- Mm-hmm.
- George Kenny!

- Wrenny's former soulmate!
- Mmm.

Oh, and you're having
a baby with another woman.

- Mmm.
- This is my wife, Linda.

Oh, I know.
Wren told me all about you.

No. No, I didn't.
I didn't, Mom.

Hm-hmm! She looked
you up on Instagram.

Cyberstalking, she called it.

- Mm-hmm.
- As a joke!

And I did chuckle.

Well, Linda is a doctor,

and she has
some connections, so...

- If there's anything
we can do...
- Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

That's so nice, but I--

Ah, give us your number.

I don't have a pen.

- I'll DM you. Isn't that nice?
- Mm-hmm.

- That is so sweet.
- So sweet. So sweet.

Ah, you must be
Mr. Pepper.

Who are you?

Leo.

Dad, I-I, I met him
in a support group.

I got cancer.

- Oh!
- Oh.

- Testicular.
- Oh!

Stop it.

- He was just kidding, Dad.
- Hey, guys.

I hope you don't mind
if I say a quick something.

Uh, I'm Cece, Wren's best friend
since the age of five.

- One of her best friends.
- We are also.

But I was definitely the first.

Um, recently, as you know,

Wren found out
that she was sick.

But just a smidge. Just a...

Just a touch of cancer.

And your generosity
will go a long way
towards helping her get well.

Oh, this is bad.
This is very bad.

And Wren is really lucky
to have all of you guys

rallying around her today.

- No, no, no, no.
- And, um, all of us

who love Wren are really,
really grateful.

Um, sorry. Okay, um, I'm done.

Uh, I'll let you guys
get back to it.

Uh, but first, we'll hear
a few words from our girl, Wren.

Whoo! Yeah!

Wren!

Wren, get up there.
Everybody's looking.

She's always been
a late starter.

Come on, kiddo.
They're waiting for ya.

Wren, get up there.
People are waiting.

Yeah.

- Dad...
- My little girl.

Go, Wren.

Oh, whoa.

Speak from
your heart, Wren.

Um, hey, y'all. Uh...

Looks like our girl Wren is
a little overcome with emotion.

So, uh, I'm gonna tap in.

Um, I'm Leo. I got cancer.

- Ah.
- And, uh...

Testicular.

Me and Wren, we just met
a couple of weeks ago,

so I know you might be thinking

it's a little soon for me
to speak on her behalf,

but cancer really brings
people together, you know?

It bonds you.
It's like being stuck

in a foxhole together,
you know what I mean?

I really like him.

- Oh, yeah.
- Uh, trust is crucial and...

and she trusts me enough

to thank all of you
on her behalf, so thank you.

A big round of applause
for you guys.

Seriously.

You know, we really
appreciate all your support.

It-- it means a lot, and, um,

I figured I'd wrap this up

with a little call
and response, all right?

So when I say,
"I got cancer,"

y'all say,
"But it don't got me!"

- Okay? Y'all ready?
- Ready!

There we go! I got cancer...

- But it don't got me!
- I need it a little louder.

Give me some energy,
y'all! Come on!

I'm the one with the cancer.
I need to hear y'all!

I got cancer...

- But it don't got me!
- Yeah!

Thank you, guys.
Round of applause
for yourselves, seriously.

We need to talk.

- What a nice young man. Mm-hmm.
- He's... He really is.

That, I mean--

- Oh, my God. Thank you.
- Why are you lying

- about having cancer?
- What?

- I'm-- I'm not.
- I...

What? I, no-- I-I do have cancer

of the throat
and of the tonsil.

We can do this all day.
I know you don't.

I mean, seriously. Who the fuck
lies about having cancer?

Well, since I'm not lying, I...

...am lying.
I don't have cancer.

Okay, but you do got a serious
problem on your hands.

Are you gonna tell everyone?

I didn't say that.

So you're not gonna
tell everyone?

I didn't say that either.

This is fuckin' serious, Wren.

I'm still trying to figure out
how I'm supposed
to deal with this.

Well, maybe you don't
have to deal with this.

Nice try. Explain yourself.

Have you ever done something
that you can't actually explain?

Try.

I don't know.
I-I'm a fucked up, bad person

who does fucked up bad shit!

No. Try again.

Leo,
I don't know, okay?

It just, it, it--
it happened, all right?

My friends were sleepwalking
through their lives,

and they were
forgetting about me.

And there it is.

The dirty truth.

Leo, these girls
are my family.

A-actually,
they matter on a level

that blood never could
because you pick your friends.

You choose each other, and you
keep choosing each other.

You think this person...

this person's worth
the investment.

I want them in my life,
and I will do the work

to keep them there,
and every time you think that,

or your friends
think that about you,

they prove something.

They prove that...

someone thinks
that you are worth it.

Someone thinks
that you matter.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but I wasn't
ready to give that up.

And I doubt
that I ever will be.

My friends were so busy

that they were making
that choice less and less,

and...

that scared the shit out of me.

If you're looking for sympathy,
you're not gonna find it here...

because I actually
have cancer, Wren.

And it fucking sucks.

I'm sorry.

I don't think you are.

Leo...

Goddamn it.

We're having
a sale on greeting cards.

You should really stock up.

Hey. Hey, Wren? Wren?

Your, uh, your cancer crony
showed up for a visit.

Okay, look.
I'm gonna confess.

You might wanna
rethink that, Wren.

Why?

After we had our talk,

I had a conversation
with your girls the other day,

and they were telling me
how they banked a hefty amount

for your treatment.

Now, you know that taking money

for a fake disease

is punishable by imprisonment?

It's considered fraud.

What do you want me to do?

You had me thinking
we were in the same boat,

and you ain't even near
the fucking water.

- I know. I'm so sorry.
- That's some cold shit.

Now, I don't think
you're some sort of

Machiavellian douchebag
or whatever,

but I am of the opinion

that people should think
a little more before they act.

So...

I'm gonna show you
how to do that.

What is that?

This is what it feels like
to have cancer.

Bottom's up. Go ahead.

Swallow.

- Damn, that worked fast.
- Jesus, what was that?

Oh, you know, just a little
concoction I found online.

Ew!

What?

Why are you giving us
the stank eye?

We got cancer!

Ah. Here they are now.
Right on time.

Wren, get in the car.

Me and Daddy are gonna
take care of you.

Cancer! It's real.

Now, let me tell you
how this is gonna go down.

That puke cocktail

was the start of a little
crash course you're gonna take.

I'm calling it
"Intro to Empathy 101."

Here are some of the things
you're gonna learn.

When you're sick, the people
in your life show up.

Oh, goddamn it! What?

- Why? Why?
- Come on, honey.

- Rise and shine. Here we go!
- Why are you here?

- Why? What's going on?
- Leo printed out

the instructions
from your doctor.

- He what?
- So here you go.

- They're worried.
- Here's your medicine.

- What is that?
- Come on, take this. Take this.

And they gotta
feel like they're doing
something to help.

- I don't think I need this.
- And we're not leaving

- until you take
the damn pills, okay?
- Okay, fine, fine.

- Come on.
- Same time every day,
we gotta take the pills.

- Gotta open up and take your pills.
- God.

Put 'em into
your tummy hills.

Come on, you got it.

No big deal,
right? Wrong.

It's gonna suck
for all of you.

Shake it up, Mama.

They're uptight,
you're uptight.

Nobody's getting
any private time.

Come on, baby.
Bottom's up.

Ain't nobody dying
on their watch.

- You have to.
- You know, Wren...

- There we go.
- ...eight out of ten people

don't get enough protein.

- Wrenny, you okay?
- Mom, go away!

Are you stopped up?

At this point...

...you'll probably start
feeling a little desperate.

Thinking about confessing.

- Do you want me to leave you alone?
- Yeah.

- Mom?
- You're already weak.

What the...?

But you won't.

Can I tell you a secret?

Because you know
I can't poop on vacation.

'Cause you'll remember...

Do a low-pitched
guttural moan.

...if you wanna
be forgiven for having

an anorexic conscience...

"Oh, I got throat cancer."

- "I know what I'll do."
- "I'll... I'll vape."

- Ride the horsey.
Ride the horsey.
- Hey.

- You...
- It's not gonna drink itself.

...gotta do some atoning.

Mmm.

- You have to eat.
- Mm-hmm.

No, I have, uh,
that whole case

- of Ensure in my bag.
- Okay.

I better not find one tiny
little footprint in my garden,

or so help me,
there will be hell to pay!

Bite me, Grandpa!

Feral little savages!

Love you, sweetie.

And when your poor parents
have reached their limit...

We're here if you need us.

...I'll get
your girls to sub in,

and I'll just let those wackos
do their thing.

Baby girl!

Leo called me. He told me
you were on the way home.
Okay? We're going out.

- I have a surprise.
- What?

This doctor
is super legit.

It's like spiritual therapy
with crystals,

so she massages your aura.

My God. We gotta
clean this bitch up.

- I can't...
- There's Jill.

Do you know you had
a bunch of loose pretzels

underneath your bed?

Like, what are you doing,
feeding a stray cat?

Whisper "cancer"
into it. It'll reverse.

- Cancer.
- Do you feel that

- leaving your body?
- Here, hold this.

Oh, no, no, no.
Not again. Not again.

I know I should've done this
the last time I was here.

I mean, the things
you put in your body

can be just as impactful
as any drugs, you know?

I restocked your kitchen.

Meth and sugar, same thing.

At this point,
you might start feeling
a little sorry for yourself.

- Is that for Goodwill?
- I mean, it smells like

it's from Goodwill.

Ahh...

Louder. From deep down, okay?

You want the cancer
to leave or not?

Ahh!

- Uh, yeah.
- I think we should
take those out.

- Sure, yeah. Put 'em in here.
- Yeah.

And think you've
suffered enough,

but you'd be wrong.

Truth is, all this stuff
is fun and games

compared to what
cancer's actually like.

John. Frances.

Give it to me.

You can't even begin
to understand how that feels.

But that's the point
of Empathy 101, to teach you.

We'll call this
your final exam.

You're out of your
fucking mind.

Hello, it's Leo.

- Oh. Hi, Leo. It's Cece.
- Oh. Hey, Cece.

Where's-- where's Wren?

Well, to be real with you,

- she's losing her hair.
- Oh. Oh. Oh, fuck!

- I should come get her.
- Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

- I got everything handled.
- Are you sure? 'Cause I--

She'll hit you up
later, all right?

- Okay. I'm thinking of giving--
- Uh-huh. Bye.

Come on, now. It's just hair.
It will grow back.

Yeah, it's gonna take
a really long time.

You've got nothing
but time, okay?

Unlike most people.

Okay. Okay.

I'm sorry, but I can't do it.

I'm sorry. I just...

I just-- I can't do it.

Okay?

- Who's there?
- It's me.

Why is the door locked?
Oh, I have a key.

No, wait.
Don't come in yet.

Why? What's--
What's going on?

Just-just wait a second.

Can-can you-- Can you
come back in, like, an hour?

- Two!
- Two hours?

Jill?

What's going on in there?

Nothing!

Laurel? Okay, that--

That's it. I'm coming in.

No, Wren. Don't!

Look! Laurel and I
are twinsies!

We're "two balls"!

Get it? It's like cue balls.

Is she okay?

She's drunk.

- Yeah.
- Really, really drunk.

Yeah.
So she--

It was the only way
that she was gonna do it.

And I'm drunk too,
so...

Oh, my God.

Okay. Come here, baby.

Oh, God.

You guys,
why did you do this?

- I don't know.
- I like it. Badass.

Because we're in this together.

If you are bald, we are bald.

Why aren't you bald?

I thought I saw, um,
a clump of hair on the ground,

but it was just one
of Leo's hamsters.

Huh. Well, that
kinda sucks for us.

Ooh, I can just shave yours

right after I'm done
with Cece's.

Yeah. I mean, your hair's gonna
fall out eventually, right?

Let me do yours
before you pass out.

Am I still bald?

Yeah.

I'm gonna scare my baby.

Oh, okay. I'm ready.

No. You-you don't
have to, really.

Ah, I can feel my brain.

No, you can't.

- It's not big enough.
- I can.

All right. Let's go.

- No!
- I really hope I don't have

one of those
lumpy heads, like--

Ah! Flashback.

Stop it. You're
freaking Cece out.

I can't help it! I look scary!

You look
sensational, okay?

It was my crowning beauty.

Can we do this, please?

No!

No, stop!

I don't have cancer!

Ugh, not this again.

I swear. I don't!

I lied.

I'm perfectly healthy.

I always have been.
I ne-- I never had cancer.

I lied to you guys.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I didn't mean to. It just--

It just sort of happened.
I blurted it out

because I could-- I could feel
that we were growing apart,

and I just...

I got so sad...

and I didn't wanna
lose you, guys.

And I, I told you
I had cancer, but I...

I was just...

I lied,

and I've been lying
this whole time.

I'm so--

I'm so sorry.

Get out.

- Cece, I'm--
- Get out.

Get out!

Hello. How about some orange?

You want orange fur?

You're such
a pretty bunny.

I love you.

Hey there, Pepper.

Hey.

You look homeless.

What-what are you trying to do,

scare the cancer away?

I don't have cancer.

That's astonishing.

You were cured that quickly?

I never had cancer.

I made it up.

I lied.

Are you serious, Pepper?

What the shit?

What, what, what,
what kind of bitch-ass punk

lies about having cancer?

What the--
What is wrong with you?

Malcolm, the kids.

The kids think you suck,
you freakin' hypocrite!

Just-- just get the hell out!

For what it's worth,

I am sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's right. You are sorry.

You're a sorry ass
little fucker!

Get the fuck out of here,

and don't come back
until you're fucking terminal!

Jesus!

I have a treat
for you today.

Now, these bad boys
are the top-of-the-line, baby.

I'm bringing you top-of-the-line
rodents, all right?

These bad boys
are groomed every day.

They only eat organic,

and they only drink
fresh spring Evian water.

So, jobless and friendless.

Now what?

What, you're mad
at me now too?

Why, because I didn't
shave my head?

You-- you don't get it.

You think you're being a good
friend by helping your friends

not sleep through
their life or whatever,

but the only person
you care about is you.

Well, that's not true.

It's not. I love my friends.

Oh, you love them so much

you couldn't even shave
some fucking hair?

Charlize Theron
did it for a movie.

I don't have
her bone structure!

Dude, whatever.

You wanna be 17 again

and hang out with all your pals?

Well, you can't.

Get over it.

I wanna be healthy.

We all got our own shit,
all right?

You wanna be a good friend,

think about someone else
for once.

Okay, you know what?

That's enough, all right?
I-- I don't need this.

Leo?

Hey.

You know you ain't
gotta sit here, right?

My fam's on the way.

Are you gonna be okay?

Look, I probably got
as much of a chance

of living a normal life
as you do.

- I screwed up.
- Hey--

I lied about having cancer.

What's wrong with me?

Uh...

I mean, there's definitely
some good shit

going on in there,
personality-wise.

I mean, you're not evil.

Just, your moral compass
is a little fucked.

You know?

I mean, but you, you care
about your friends, right?

- Yeah. Mm.
- To a psychotic degree.

Actually, now that
I think about it,

ever since we became pals,
I can't get rid of your ass.

I mean, seriously.
I've never seen someone

go to those kind of extremes
to reconnect with buddies.

You're definitely crazy.

But it's more like
kooky crazy.

You're not, like,
psycho freaky crazy.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

I know.

Ce!

Hey! Don't freak out.
I just wanna talk to you.

- I just-- I wanna apologize.
- We're gonna go in the kitchen,

and we're gonna eat
whatever you want.

Wait, don't go!
No, no, no. Wait.

I-- I just wanna say...

Ce, I'm sorry!

- Laurel!
- Ah!

Walk it off.

You can keep knocking me down
until you feel better.

I'm atoning!

All I care about is,
are we gonna get paid?

Jill, I'm sorry.

Did you hear me?
I love your wig!

I'm bald!

I shaved my head for you!

When have you ever done
anything like that for anyone?

You're so selfish.

And I'm bald!

What was I saying?

Remind me, Amanda!

You--
Pay. Pay--

- You're worth more.
- Obviously.

Psst! Leo.

I'm giving you some liver.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

I don't want
your crazy-ass liver.

No. Wait, wait. What--

Did you know livers
could grow back?

How screwy is that?

They're gonna give you
a slice of mine

because yours
is all tumored up,

but it's cool because
it'll just grow back.

I hope that I can't
feel it growing back.

- That would be screwy.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, I do not want
your crazy-ass liver.

Relax. It's not like they're
giving you a slice of my brain.

Besides, it's too late.

I already signed the paperwork,
so if you don't take it,

they'll just give it
to somebody else.

And if you thought that
I was annoying before,

wait till you see what
I'm like when I find out

that you didn't accept
my liver slice.

- Stop saying that.
- Liver slice.

- Stop. Stop calling it that.
- Liver slice. Liver slice.

- Wait.
- Mm.

Why are you doing this?

Leo, I just really, really

did not want to shave my head.

So I guess this means
that I'm stuck

with your ass forever, huh?

Yep. LTF, motherfucker!

Liver Twins for Life!

Fuck.

All right. Honey, I don't mean
to be insensitive here,

but I wish he could've gotten
someone disease-free

to give him a--

Oh, that's nice.

A liver.

- Or whatever you gave him.
- A slice.

Liver slice.

Yeah. Okay.

It's disgusting in here.

I hope you don't
bring boys back here.

Oh, yeah, Mom.

Looking forward to crushing
a lot of D right now.

Oh, great.
Just lean back.

Just lean back.

- Just lean back. All right.
- Mm-hmm.

- Easy.
- Mm-hmm.

Easy!

Uh-huh. All right, now
I'm gonna get your feet.

I got your feeties.

I remember having
an episiotomy

and those stitches
weren't fun either, honey.

I know. I know.

But they're sturdier than
you think they're gonna be.

All right,
on the count of three.

One, two...

Three! Shit.

All right.

Shit. Sorry!

Okay.

I stepped on your chips,
and I'm sorry.

All right, you want me
to Postmates some chili?

Yeah.

At the tone,
please record your message.

Press one for more options.

Ce, hey. It's me.

I guess I just needed
to hear your voice.

I forgot that you have
an automated message,

so that's a bummer.

Jill speaking.

Just kidding.
Leave a message. I'm busy.

Jill...

I know that you're looking
at your phone right now

as I call you from my phone.

And that makes me feel
connected to you.

You know,

through our phones.

Message deleted.

To record, please press...

Laurel here. Leave a message,

or just text me
like a normal person.

I just, um...

I just, uh...

I just wanna say I'm sorry.

Again.

Hey, what's up?

I have to do
something about this.

Yeah. You got any ideas?

I do, actually.

Wren?

Oh. Fresh.

Um, you ready?
Daddy's waiting.

Wren, move your ass,
for Christ's sake.

- Late as usual.
- Fred, she just had surgery.

Was it on her legs?
No. It was not.

Okay, um, you guys go ahead.

I'm just gonna take a minute.

You better reign in
your anger, Mr. Pepper.

Were you smoking pot in there?

Damn right, I was.

It's the only way I'm gonna
get through this crazy mess.

- How's your liver?
- Good.

- Yours?
- Good.

Actually,

I'm pretty sure I can feel it
regenerating as we speak.

For fuck's sake.

Um, thank you
everyone for coming.

You're probably wondering
why you're here.

I'm actually surprised
at how many of you showed up.

I figured most of you
wouldn't come,

but luckily for me,

you're here,
and I was wrong. Yay.

I did something wrong.

Very wrong. I, um...

So wrong that I'm actually
embarrassed to say it out loud.

Rambling. Rambling.

But I will say it. I, um...

Hey, speak up.
We can't hear ya.

I don't have cancer.

I never did. I...

I lied.

I never meant for it
to get so out of hand.

Oh!

I also didn't do anything
to stop it.

I, I-- I can sense that

you're all starting
to get a little agitated,

which is completely
understandable. I...

never should've done that.

Sorry to--
Sorry to interrupt,

but, uh, we--
we have something to say.

Um...

Uh, we've known Wren
for most of our lives.

You know, when you bank
that many years with someone,

you kind of figure
that you got 'em all figured out

and there are
no big surprises left,

so if you guys are pissed,

imagine how we feel.

- You know?
- I shaved my head. No reason.

- We're super pissed.
- She's bald?

And disappointed,
and hurt,

but you know what we realized?

It's not all that bad

because you know
what the good news is

when you find out that
someone can still surprise you?

It's that they can
still surprise you.

Like, in a good way.

Like if somebody
can surprise you negatively,

then they also can probably
surprise you positively.

Jill, shh. Shh.

I'm sorry. These people
have faces that tell me

they don't comprehend...

- They don't comprehend much.
- Okay. Okay.

So the point is,
y-you should be mad at Wren

because she deserves it.

And honestly,
the damage she's done

is probably gonna take
decades to repair.

But the point is,

she does wanna repair it,

so why don't we just
let her try?

Okay. Um...

Uh, where was I?

You just finished telling us
that, uh, you lied

about having a fatal disease
that kills millions every year

and devastates millions more,
but that you didn't intend to.

Right.

Thank you, Dad.

Love you, sweetie.

I would also really
like to return

all of your incredibly
generous donations.

I'll be honest with you,

I wanted to just Venmo you guys
or write a bunch of checks

from the safety of my apartment

where I didn't have
to look at anyone

and see them staring at me
the way that you guys

are all staring at me right now.

I made a mistake,
and I'm trying to atone.

So...

I stand here before you today
extremely apologetic

- and embarrassed--
- Just shut up

and give us the dough, yo!

Got it. Thank you for your time.

Tell Jill I think
she looks great bald.

Come on, honey.

I'm sorry.

Fuck you.

Again, I am sorry.

Hey.

How's it going?

Well, someone just told me

that I'm the world's
most accomplished jackass,

but that was my dad,

and I'm pretty sure he
was just blowing off some steam.

Thanks for coming.

You're not off the hook, Wren.
We're still really mad,

but it's possible you weren't
wrong about everything.

You know, spending
all that time together was nice.

I forgot how much I missed us,

even if one of us
is a big asshole.

You're the asshole.

Just give us a minute.

I can do that.

How did you guys know to come?

Oh, Leo.

He told us what you did
with the, uh, the liver slice.

He also said
all that stuff about

friends choosing each other,
and that was pretty convincing.

- Bye.
- Still angry.

I love this look.
I'm so much faster now.

Remember when we used
to drag race your car

down the street
in high school?

I don't know, man.
This is a minivan.

- Whoo! Yeah!
- Yeah!

Oh, come on. That was,
like, an invitation.

Whoo!

Hey, Wren,
there is one more thing

- you can do to atone.
- What?

Oh, God.

What's the big deal,
Wren? It's just hair.

Okay, here we go.