All language subtitles for Naked.(1993).DVDRip.XviD.AC3.CD1-LnR-eng

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- [Man Grunting]
- [Woman] Oh, go on! Oh!

[Woman Moans, Grunting]

[Woman Grunts, Gasps]

What -What -What are you doing?
[Gasps]

[Man Grunting]

You're hurting me!
[Crying]

[Grunts]

I'm gonna tell my Bernard of you!

You're fucking dead!

Oi! Come back here, you!

Ronnie!

Get off that couch
and come out here!

Ronnie!

Oh, shit! Sorry.
I didn't see you there.

[Sniffs]
Do you live here?

Yeah, I do, unfortunately.

Do you know Louise Clancy?

Yeah. Are you a friend of hers?

Know where she is?

She's at work.

- What time does she get back?
- Don't know. About 7:00 or something.

Fuckin' hell.

[Sighs]

Do you want to come in
for a cup of tea?

Is that all right with you, love?
It's just, you know, cold.

Listen, have you got anything
for a headache?

Ah. Yeah, we have, as it happens.

- Like a monkey wrench or something.
- [Giggles]

- What's all this about?
- Oh, yeah.

- That's Sandra, that is.
- Hello, Sandra.

This is her place.
She's a fucking nurse.

That's her idea of interior design.

Oh, yeah, it's a skeleton.

And this is
her cocktail cabinet and all.

There you go.
That should do it.

- No, it's too big.
- [Chuckles]

- Do you want a cup of tea?
- Yeah.

So, are you Louise's boyfriend?

- No.
- Oh, right.

- What, you're just, like, a mate?
- Primate.

- You must be the missing link then.
- Yeah, that's me.

- You're not gonna tell me your name.
- No.

- I'm not gonna tell you mine neither.
- All right. We'll be strangers.

- I see your boomerang came back then, love.
- It's not my fuckin'boomerang.

What about the old diminishing
pachyderm formation there?

No, that's all Sandra's collection.
She's in Zimbabwe at the moment.

And fuck knows what she's
gonna bring back from there.

Polagra or hepatitis "B" or something.

She's with her boyfriend.

So, how is Louise?

I don't know.
I don't know her as well as you.

- Do you get on with her?
- Well, been out a couple of times.

- Does she like you?
- [Scoffs] I don't know.

You better ask her.

Most people don't.

Do you find that she's
at all jealous of you?

No.

So - So, would you describe yourself
as a happy little person?

Yeah. I'm the life and soul.

[Chuckles]

Have you ever thought, right-
I mean, you don't know...

but you might already have had the happiest
moment in your whole fucking life...

and all you've got to look forward to
is sickness and purgatory?

Oh, shit.

Well, I just live from day to day myself.

[Chuckles] I tend to skip a day
now and again. You know what I mean?

- [Chuckles]
- I used to be a werewolf,
but I'm all right now! [Howling]

[Chuckling] Fuckin' hell.
I bet they're happy, eh?

All they got to do is sit round,
howling at the moon.

It's better than standing on the cheesy
fucking thing. Know what I mean?

I mean, tossing all these satellites
and shuttles out into the cosmos.

What do they think they're gonna find
up there that they can't find down here?

They think if they piss high enough,
they're gonna come across the monkey
with the beard and the crap ideas?

And it's, like,
"Oh! There you are, captain!

Are you busy? Because I've got
a few fundamental questions for you."

- Are you with me?
- Yeah.

'Cause let's face it, right?
What are rockets?

I mean,
they're just big, metal pricks.

You know, I mean, the bastards
aren't satisfied with fucking the Earth up.

- They've gotta fuck space and all.
- Tell me something, love.

Are you aware of the effect...

you have on the average
mammalian, Mancunian...

X-Y'ly chromosome, slavering...

lusty male member of the species?

Uh... yeah.

I thought so.

- Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?
- No.

- Do you think women like being raped?
- You talk a lot, don't you?

Do you likeJapanese food?

Look, I've told you, I'm not interested.
All right?

- Could I have that a touch harder, please?
- Yes.

[Snorting Laughter]

All right?
Enjoying yourself, are you?

- I'm having a great time, actually.
- [Both Laughing]

- Bloody hell.
- Ah, friendly.

What are you doing here?
You look like shit.

Just trying to blend in
with the surroundings.

[Coughing]

# Halitosis, halitosis, halitosis #

- [Panting]
- [Giggling]

- I can't believe you're here.
- I'm not here.

I tell you what.
It's a crackin' place you got, love.

- Good. I'm glad you like it.
- No, I was being sarcastic.

Why didn't you tell me you were coming?
I would have met you off the train.

- I didn't come on the fucking train.
- Off the bus then.

- I didn't come on the bus either.
- So how did you get here then?

Well, basically, there was this little dot,
right, and the dot went bang...

and the bang expanded -
energy formed into matter.

Matter cooled, matter lived,
the amoeba to fish, the fish to fowl...

the fowl to froggy, the froggy to mammal,
the mammal to monkey, the monkey to man.

Amo, amas, amat. Quid pro quo.
Memento mori. Ad infinitum.

Sprinkle on a little bit of grated cheese
and leave under the grill till doomsday.

- I see you haven't changed.
- He's a fuckin' genius, this geezer.

I take it you met
my wicky-wacky friend Sophie.

Oh, no. Actually, we haven't been
formally introduced. Have we, love?

- No.
- No, we've been sat here
in embarrassing silence all afternoon.

- So, how are you?
- Peachy creamy.

[Snorts, Giggling]

Are you really?
I'm very pleased.

So, how's, um - [Gagging]
Work?

- It's all right.
- "It's all right."
- It's all right.

- Is it everything you hoped it would be?
- Yeah.

What did you hope it would be?

[Chuckling]

I'm so - I'm sorry.
Did you get that?

It's everything she hoped it would be,
but she doesn't fucking know
what she hoped it would be.

Oh, and by the way,
thank you for this.

I mean, are you taking a piss or what?

"So, Johnny, my address is" -

- [Snoring]
- [Sophie Giggling]

[Grunting]
I'm touched.

- Why have you come?
- Oh, can you tell from there?

- [Sophie Giggling]
- Do you want a cup of tea?

I'd love a cup of tea! You're fucking
generous, you Cockneys, aren't ya?

- Sophie?
- Oh, yeah. Ta.

- How's your mum?
- Fine. How's yours? Still pulling pints?

She's dead.
She's still a good fuck though.

I mean,
the rates are a bit extortionate...

but I do get a discount
what with being the son and everything.

Apparently, you shouldn't stick anything up
your cunt that you can't put in your mouth.

- Give us that mug.
- [Giggling]

[Sniffles]
Can I try your coat on, Johnny?

Yeah.

So what you been up to?
Have you seen anybody?

Have you seen anybody?

Have you spoken to anybody
from Manchester?

Yeah, I phoned June
a couple of times.

And was June interested
in what you had to say?

Fuckin' hell. I've seen more life
in an open grave.

- Come on!
- What?
- What!

- You don't seem very pleased to see me.
- I am pleased to see ya!

You too good for us? Now you've got
yourself a posh job in the big "shitty."

- Me and her are on the fucking dole.
- Right.

- You're a career girl. You happy with that?
- Yeah.
- Are you sure?

- Yeah.
- I'm delighted!

- Do you want some of this, Johnny?
- [Johnny Chuckles]

Fuckin' hell, love.
What are you trying to do to me?

Right. Well, I'm going up to my room.
Do you want to see it, Johnny?

Is it worth the bother?
Is there anything worth seeing?

Why don't you come and find out?
It's not very far.

[Giggling]

I'm sorry about this.

Yeah.

Oh, move, move.

[Frustrated Grunt]

- Where are you?
- I'm in here.

Oh, it's de-lovely.

I see you've got a ceiling at the top
with a floor on the lower level...

and a wall at either side.

And only a single bed.
Sad, really.

- You've got wonderful breasts.
- Don't you mean "tits"?

Are they both the same size,
or is one bigger than the other?

I don't know.
Do you want to weigh them?

- Is that a proposition?
- No, it's a threat.

Are you rich?

Life is for enjoying.

What about a family?
Have you got any brothers or sisters?

I try not to remember.

- You're sexually frustrated, aren't you?
- [Snickers, Giggles]

- What's funny?
- Are you a feminist?

- No.
- Do you like fucking?

- Do you like wanking?
- Not on my own, no.

[Chuckles] That's a very ornithological
mutilation you've got there, love.

That's my tribal initiation.

Is it really?

[Giggling]

- That was fuckin' athletic, that was.
- I think I ruptured my chakras.

[Scoffs] Is there
an instruction manual for this garb?

No. It's an intelligence test.

Now, what is this?
A granny, a sheepshank...

or the infamous round turn
and two half hitches...

as mentioned
in the Book of Ezekiel?

- Are you finished?
- Hardly fuckin' begun.

It's just I think I'm gonna get into difficulties
when I reach the hippie shit up here.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah. Well, you've tried the stairs.

I think we should take
the escalator.

Simple really.

- So is this.
- [Chuckles] Thanks for the mammaries.

Could you ask her
to order me a taxi, please?

- This is terribly disappointing.
- You don't like rejection, do you, Jeremy?

- Could we have a taxi, please?
- No problem... sir.

[Sophie Moans]

[Moaning]

[Chuckling, Moaning]

Whee!

[Laughing]

[Giggling]

[Squealing]

[Grunts, Giggles]

It's really cozy, this.

Will you let me come again, Jerry?

You're dead handsome, you know.

What work do you do?

I'm a dancer, actually.

Don't you wanna know me name?

It's Giselle.

Are you married?

- [Snickers, Giggles]
- What?

Kiss me.

[Screams]

[Giggling]

Oh, don't. It's yucky!

Get it off!
[Laughs]

[Laughing]

Are you glad I came?

What are you doing?
Get off me!

[Gasping, Screaming]
You're hurting me!

- Have you ever thought of committing suicide?
- No.

I'm going to commit suicide
on my 40th birthday...

if I'm still around.

- Why?
- I don't want to be old.

- Do you?
- [Whimpers]

[Screaming, Crying]

[Gasps, Panting]

[Whispers]
Fuck.

[Sighs]

[Trembling]
Oh, God.

- Oh. Have a fag.
- Yeah, thanks. I will.

What are you reading?

Will you stop fucking about and fidgeting
in my peripherals? I'm trying to concentrate.

She's got a very little waist,
Sophie, ain't she?

She's got little tits and all.

- Are you not cold?
- I'm reading about the butterfly effect.

What's the butterfly effect?

Every time a butterfly
flaps its wings in Tokyo...

this old granny in Salford
gets a bilious attack.

What happens if a butterfly
flaps its wings in Salford?

- That's not the point.
- Oh, is it not?

- What are you doing in London, Johnny?
- What are you doing in London?

- I've told you what I'm doing in London.
- You've told me nothing.

- The last time I saw you, I told you -
- Fuckin' hell! Were you born irritatin'?

What have you
come downstairs for anyway?

I fell asleep with the window open.
I was cold. I came down.

I had to pee. I've made some tea.
I'm here. All right?

- What's that, the greatest story ever told?
- I live here.

So what happened?
Were you bored in Manchester?

Was I bored? No, I wasn't fuckin' bored.
I'm never bored.

That's the trouble with everybody.
You're all so bored.

You've had nature explained to you,
and you're bored with it.

You've had the living body explained to you,
and you're bored with it.

You've had the universe explained to you,
and you're bored with it.

So now you just want cheap thrills
and plenty of'em...

and it don't matter how tawdry
or vacuous they are as long as it's new...

as long as it's new, as long as it flashes
and fucking bleeps in 40 different colors.

Well, whatever else you can say about me,
I'm not fuckin'bored.

Yeah. All right.

So how's it all going for you?

It's a bit boring, actually.

You're not enjoying yourself?

Have you made many friends?

No.

Have you got a goblet or something,
because me heart's bleedin'.

When are you going back
to Manchester?

- When are you going back to Manchester?
- I'm not going back.

- Why not?
- You know why not.

Do I?

I thought you said
you never wanted to see me again.

I don't ever want to see you again.
So will you fuck off back upstairs?

- Why are you such a bastard, Johnny?
- [Coughs] Monkey see, monkey do.

- What does that mean?
- [Coughing]

- Oh, this fucking cough.
- A butterfly must have flapped its wings.

[Loud Coughing]

So have you got to
get up for work now, yeah?

No. It's too early.

I'm going back to bed.

[Coughing Continues]

So is she, uh, a Buddhist or something,
this nurse?

No, she's a Catholic.

What's she doing with
the old fat chap in the house then?

I don't know.
I think she fancies him or something.

Louise is a Catholic.
Did you know that?

- She's not, is she?
- Oh, fuckin' hell!

[Child Yells Outside]

You know what frightens me
about the human body?

What?

Well, it's like the, uh, most sophisticated
mechanism in the entire universe...

and yet it's so fuckin' quiet, isn't it?

- Know what I mean?
- Don't know. Mine makes enough noise.

It's like this, uh, wet, pink factory.

What the fuck are they making in there?
I mean, what's the product?

You never see no delivery trucks
coming or going, do you?

- I could have been a doctor.
- Do you wanna examine me?

- You don't believe me, do you?
- I believe everything you say.

- I've got "A" level psychology.
- You haven't.

"Resolve is never stronger than in the morning
after the night it was never weaker."

- What do you think of that?
- It's a load of bollocks.

[Giggling]

I thought of that.

- Do you not agree with it?
- Don't know.

Well, that's 'cause you weren't
fuckin' listening, were you?

What's this?
A test or something?

- Don't. Stop it.
- [Laughing]

Just pack it in. Stop it!

Keep buggering about.

- Let me get a watch, Johnny.
- Will you keep still?

- Look, you can get me a watch.
- Don't want a fucking watch.

I really like you, Johnny.

You don't know me.

I think I do.

- But you don't fucking know me!
- Oh, shit!

Fucking hell!

- You still like me?
- I love you.

- What?
- I'm in love with you, Johnny.

- [Chuckles]
- Don't laugh. I'm serious.

[Gasping]

[Whimpering]

[Cries]
I understand you, Johnny. I do.

[Grunting]

[Gasping]

Johnny! No! No!

Johnny!
[Gasping]

Ta-ra, Mr. Halpern.

[Door Closes]

What's the matter?
What's going on?

Fucked if I know.

[TV: Woman Speaking, Indistinct]

I'm too old for all this.

Why don't we go out?
Go out for a drink or somethin'?

Why don't you go out?
Go for a drink or somethin'.

'Cause I want to go out with you.

Is this good?

What are you doing?
Where are you going?

- I'm cold.
- Johnny, I just -

Get off of me.

How - Do you ever get the feeling
that you're being followed?

Look, will you just leave me alone,
give me a bit of room or something?

Fucking hell!

Johnny! Johnny!

What's all that about?
What are you playin' at?

- Where are you going, Johnny?
- Off my head.

- I'm coming with you.
- No, you're not.
- I want to come with you!

Don't you fucking come with me!

- Are you comin' back?
- What the fuck for?

[Spits]

Maggie!

[Spits]

Maggie!

- [Spits]
- You all right there, chief?

- Have you lost somebody?
- Yeah?

- Are you looking for somebody?
- [Heavy Scottish Accent] Fuck off, cunt!

- Got a fag?
- Yes, thanks.

- Yeah, I got one.
- Giz one.

- Please.
- What?

- Say please.
- Just fucking giz one. Come on, mister.

You've got a lovely way about you.
Has anybody ever told you that?

"Thank you." It's all right.

[Spits]
Maggie!

- She's gone, mate.
- Eh?

Those days are over.

Have you seen a lassie
wandering about here?

- What?
- A lassie - black hair, blue jeans.

I saw a little border collie
padding off down there towards the fire.

- Yeah?
- [Chuckles]

- Have you lost your bird or something?
- Aye. Have you seen her?

Black hair.

- No.
- Fuckin' hell!

Stupid fuckin' cunt's
gone and got lost.

- Are you from Scotland?
- Uh?

- Are you Scots?
- Aye.

- What's it like up there?
- Fucking shite. I'll kick her fanny, man.

- Do you dream in Scotch?
- Uh?

Like, dream about sporran-clad,
caber-tossing haggis...

galloping over
porridge-covered glens?

Fucking shite!

I sent off for one of those little Linguaphone
packages - "Talk Shite in a Fortnight."

It's all going very well. I haven't quite got
the hang of the transitive verbs yet.

Will you fuckin' shut it?
[Coughing]

[Spits]

- So, what you doin' down here?
- Eh?

Why are you here in London,
old Bodhi Dharma?

- [Siren Wailing]
- Put my old man in hospital.

- Your dad?
- Aye.

- How did you do that then?
- Cracked him on the nut with a poker.

- What for?
- He was fuckin' asking for it!

- Maggie!
- So, what, is he in a bad way?

Fuckin' right. He's half dead.

- What does your mum think about it?
- She's off her fuckin' nut.

- So, you're, like, on the run, yeah?
- Aye.

- Yeah, me too.
- Yeah? The cops after you? Yeah?

- Can you tell me something, jock?
- What?

- What's all that about?
- Eh?

That - the old Highland fling there.
You know you're doing that?

- What?
- That -you know, "and for my next tick" -

That. Look, it - it just happened again.
I'm not imagining it.

- Fuck off, eh?
- You do that in the sack,
with the old tick, spit - "Maggie!"

- Must be a great fucking shag.
- Are you taking a piss?

- You're fucking giving it away, aren't ya?
- Fucking come on, cunt!

Cut your fucking head open!
Eh?

- What's it like being you?
- Eh?

- A bit hectic?
- Fuck off, poof!

Do you believe
in self-fulfilling prophecy?

- Eh?
- [Chuckles]

You know, like Nostradamus.

He was, like,
this 16th-century astrologer...

and he wrote in one of his quatrains that
this goon called Hister would invade Poland.

So Hitler reads that and thinks,
"Hister, Hitler.

Must mean me,"
and invades Poland.

So when the guy prophesied that the world
would end in 1999, which he did...

does that therefore mean
that we're fulfilling the prophecy...

by precipitating the Apocalypse?

- You with me?
- What?

You think the world will end in 1999?

[Clicks Tongue]

Listen, mate,
what do you think of this?

Why don't you go have a little wander around
and go look for the wee lassie, and I'll wait here?

- If she turns up,
I'll keep her here until you get back.
- Aye?

- How does that grab ya?
- You gonna be here, eh?

- Yeah.
- Right. If she gets back, right...

tell her to fucking wait here
till I get back.

If she wanders off, knock her out.
You slap her good for me, right?

- Yeah, I'll tie her up.
- Aye.

- You gonna be here, eh?
- Yeah. Oh, listen. What's her name again?

- Maggie.
- [Chuckles] Oh, yeah.

Be back in a minute, right?

[Sighs]

Excuse me, love.

Hello!

- Are you Maggie?
- Piss off!

- Oh, you're Maggie.
- What?

- Is your name Maggie?
- How'd you ken that?

It's just a hunch.
Are you looking for the, uh, petulant dwarf?

- Eh?
- Sprechen Sie Deutsches?

- Archie!
- Yeah, th - that's the fella.

I was told to wait here for you.
You're Maggie, he's Archie, I'm nobody.

- He's gone off looking for you, love.
- What, you've seen him?

Look, would you just come
and sit over here now?

- Fuck off, you dirty cunt.
- [Chuckles]

I know I've not had a bath for a good few seasons,
but there's no need to hurt my feelings.

He'll be back in a minute.

- What, he's been here?
- He's been here, he's been there.

He's been all over
the fuckin' shop.

- Did he have the chips with him?
- He had a huge one on his shoulder.

- Fuckin' wee radge!
- Come on. No need to knock the young lad.

He's a wonderful exponent
of the old Socratic debate.

[Snorts, Chuckling]

Listen, love,
I've got this great idea.

Why don't you have a little wander round,
see if you can find the wee lad?

I'll wait here. And if he turns up,
I'll keep him here till you get back.

I'm fucking starvin'.

- Do you wanna get something to eat?
- He's got all the money, hasn't he?

- Who, laughing boy?
- Aye.

- Well, I've got a few bob on me.
- What if he comes back and we're no here?

- We'll leave him a note.
- He won't be able to read it.

Well, we'll get him on his bleeper.
Come on.

Can you feel all those vibrations?

No.

Just stand still a minute, love.
Try and feel it through your feet.

Do you not get all those tremblings and mumblings
coming up through your bones?

Not really, no.

Do you not get, like, a sense of, like,
a whole other world underneath all this?

You know, like, the guts of London?

What with all the tube trains
and everything, the city's viscera...

and the subterranean fucking fistulas
and conduits and colons...

and bunkers and dungeons
and tombs and all that.

What, about hell
and the sewers, like?

You know that wherever you are in London,
you're only 30 feet away from a rat.

- Aye.
- Does that freak you out?
- No.

- Do you believe in hell?
- Aye.

- So do you believe in the devil?
- Aye.

- What do you think he looks like?
- He looks like that, doesn't he?

[Chuckles] What, a little nudist
homonculus with a pink quiff?

- No, he looks like a snake.
- Let's have a look at that.

- It's Archie, isn't it?
- It's my good luck charm.

- Has it brought you much?
- Has it fuck.

- Are you superstitious?
- No.

What do you wear
a good luck charm for then?

Are we gonna get
something to eat or what?

Have you ever seen a dead body?

Only me own.

Where was you thinking
of sleeping tonight?

- Don't know.
- Where did you kip down last night?

- In the park.
- Was that not cold?

Aye.

Where are you thinking
of sleeping, like?

Wherever I drop.

- How old are you, love?
- Twenty-three.

- Do your mum and dad know you're down here?
- No.

- Will they not be worried about you?
- No.

How old are you, like?

- How old do you think I am?
- About 40.

- I'm 27.
- Oh, get the fuck.

- Where the fuck have you been?
- Where the fuck have you been?

- Eh?
- I've been waitin' on you!

- What the fuck you been doin' now?
- You've got all the money!

- I've been fucking looking all over for ya!
- Well, I was with him.

- What do you - Fuck!
- I was fucking with him!

- Daft cunt.
- Fuckin' ask him!

- Fuck off!
- Fuckin' ask him!

- Fuckin' daft bitch! Eh?
- Where's my chips?

- That was fuckin' years ago.
- [Maggie Shouting]

- Fucking here are your fucking chips!
- Don't come near me!

Fucking cunt!

Did he hurt you?

What do you mean?

You know,
when you were fucking.

Why? Did he hurt you?

Do you think you were made
for each other?

- Well, we went out for a year.
- Ayear?

Fucking hell, give me a year!

[Sighs]
Do you ever feel like topping yourself?

- Oh, God. I wish I was at home.
- Glad I'm not.

Yeah, well, I don't mean with me mum and dad.
I just mean in Manchester.

- You reckon it's different there, do you?
- Yeah. People talked to you.

- Well, I'm talking to you.
- Yeah, but you talk a pile of shit.

Doesn't matter where you are anyway.
Might as well be in Zimbabwe with Sandra.

Are you gonna do any washing up
before she gets back?

Yeah, of course I am.
When is she getting back?

Sunday.

Well, it's four fucking days away, innit?

"Thou shalt not consent unto him,
nor harken unto him...

"neither shall thou pity him,
neither shall thou stare...

"neither shall thou conceal him,
but thou shalt surely kill him...

- with thy hand" -
- [Knocking]

[Chuckles, Coughing]

Lost me place now.

"And thou shalt stone him
with stones till he die...

"because he has sought to force thee away
from the Lord, thy God, and" -

Fuckin' hell.
Why hast thou forsaken me?

Bastard.

Hmm.

[Johnny Chuckles]

Is that it now then?
Are you through with the regulation pacing?

Are you all set
to deploy the fatuous sarcasm?

Well, I've beaten you to it.

Would you like a mint?

What's this, a new policy?
Ply the culprit with menthol?

Extra strong.

I get through
four packets of these a night.

You want to be careful, don't you?
I don't want your poxy mint.

Oh. Waste not, want not.

And other clich�s.

Ah, but a clich� is full of truth,
otherwise it wouldn't be a clich�.

Which is in itself a clich�.

- Tell me, have you read the book of Hosea?
- What now?

- "For they are the children of whores."
- There's no need to get personal, mate.

What, will you stop fucking about?
If you're gonna stick the boot in, get on with it.

Have you got nowhere to go then?

I've got an infinite number of fucking places to go.
The problem is where you stay.

- You with me?
- Indeed. Yes.

So, listen, is there much security
in this job?

Too much.

What is it that goes on in this particular
postmodernist gas chamber?

Nothing. It's empty.

So what is it that you're guarding?

- Space.
- [Chuckles]

You guarding space?

That's stupid, isn't it, because someone could
break in there and steal all the fucking space...

and you wouldn't know
it had gone, would you?

Good point.

All right.

All right, pally, I appreciate you've got a job
to do, and it's, "Move on! Move on! Move on!"

But it's fucking freezing out there,
and I was a Caesarean.

- Come on, quick.
- What?

Come in.

- You serious?
- Through that door, smartish.

[Locking Door]

It's a funny smell in here.

Come on.

Quite a waste of space,
all this, isn't it?

Could sleep a thousand
flea-bitten tramps in here.

What's all that?

They say it's a fucking jungle out there.
Have you seen it in here?

I mean, where's the bloody monkeys?

Look, dad! Will you just back off?

- What is it you're after?
- You must be invisible.

- What?
- I must be seen.

Follow me.

[Laughs]

Sit there.

- Am I allowed to smoke in here?
- No. You'll set off the alarm.

Now, I'm not gonna look at you.

It mustn't look like
I'm talking to anybody.

If you're seen in here,
I'm out of a job.

See what I mean?

If they see you talking to yourself like that,
you'll be out of a job anyway.

They'll come after you
with a big butterfly net.

Oh, yes.
I'll stand like this then.

- Well, that's better, isn't it?
- What?

In, out of the cold.

Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks very much.

It's funny being inside, innit?

'Cause when you are inside,
you're still actually outside, aren't ya?

And then you can say,
when you're outside, you're inside...

because you're always
inside your head.

- Do you follow that?
- Yes.

Sometimes when I'm sitting here,
I turn the lights off, sit in the dark.

That always makes me feel
like I'm sitting outside.

So, what do you do with yourself
here every nighttime?

I read, and I think.

What do you think about?

- I think about my life.
- And is that horrendous for you?

No, certainly not.

Is it horrendous for your wife?
Are you married, mate?

Well, technically I'm married...

although my wife is 5,919 miles away
and I haven't seen her for 13 years.

It's all going very well then?
Where is she?

- She's in Bangkok.
- Saucy.

- They're not worth it, are they?
- Whores and harlots.

When was the last time
you had a fuck?

Is that an embarrassing question for you?

It is, rather. Yes.

I'm sorry.

Step this way.

I want to reveal to you
the mysteries of my trade.

- What do you think that is?
- A, uh, Dadaist nun?

Wrong. This little lady is
the representative of my employer.

- How do you do, love?
- Watch.

- [Beeping]
- Very Zen.

My existence at this moment, on this spot,
is now trapped and recorded.

Twenty-three moments, 23 sites,
every two hours.

That's my job.

Well, could they not train
a tall chimpanzee to do that?

Or a small chimpanzee
with a bigger gizmo?

I expect they could, yes.

- What's your name, son?
- Brian.

Hello, Brian. Johnny.

Well, Brian, congratulations.

You succeeded in convincing me that you
do have the most tedious fucking job...

in England.

Come on.

- Yes, it is a boring job. Bloody boring, actually.
- All right, all right.

But all you can see is the tip of the iceberg,
the present, the tedious here and now.

What you're incapable of seeing
is the rest of time, the rest of the iceberg -

past and the future, my future...

which is a very interesting place to be.

The good thing about this job
is that it gives me time and space...

to contemplate the future at my leisure,
whilst the city sleeps...

free from the cacophonous curiosity
of the hoi polloi.

So, you see, it's not a boring job.

And I'm not boring either.

- Am I allowed to smoke on the stairs?
- No. There's alarms all over the building.

So you think you can make the present palatable
by projecting into the future?

You're living in the past, pal.
It's the future that fucks you up, Brian.

It's the maggot in the apple.

See, you're all pissed off
with the present, Bri...

and there's nothing wrong
with the present.

The present's fine. The present's perfect.
The present's peachy fucking creamy.

The only thing wrong with the present
is the bastard doesn't exist...

because the present is the future,
and the future is the past...

and it's all the same
fucking bag of bones anyway.

It's a constant process
of coming into being and passing away...

coming into being
and passing away.

- The future is now.
- But the present does exist. We're in it now.

You were just then,
when you said it, but you're not in it now,
you're not in it now, you're not in it now.

You're forever being kicked up the ass
by the future. You with me?

That's what I mean.

See, I'm in the present,
but I'm not in the present.

I'm in the future.

Exactly.

Has nobody not told you, Brian, that you've got
this kind of gleeful preoccupation with the future?

I wouldn't even mind,
but you don't even have a fucking future.

I don't have a future.
Nobody has a future.

The party's over. Take a look around you, man.
It's all breaking up.

Are you not familiar with
the Book of Revelations of SaintJohn...

the final book of the Bible
prophesying the Apocalypse?

Yes, as it happens, I'm familiar
with all the books of the Bible.

I'm very happy for you. "He forced everyone
to receive a mark on his right hand...

"or on his forehead so that no one
shall be able to buy or sell...

"unless he has the mark,
which is the name of the beast...

or the number of his name,
and the number of the beast is 666."

- 666! I know about it.
- Great.

I know about Nostradamus.
Nostradamus talked about three brothers.

Did he mean the Kennedy brothers or was he
talking about three bits of the Soviet Union?

- You see? You just can't tell.
- Fuck Nostradamus!

I'm not talking about Nostradamus or Mother
Shipton or Russell Grant or Mystic-fucking-Meg.

I'm talking about the holy fucking book!

What can such a specific prophecy mean?

What is the mark?

Well, the mark, Brian, is the bar code,
the ubiquitous bar code...

that you'll find on every bog roll
and every packet of johnnies...

and every poxy pork pie.

And every fucking bar code is divided
into two parts by three markers.

And those three markers are always
represented by the number six.

Six, six, six.

Now, what does it say? "No one shall be able
to buy or sell without that mark."

And now, what they're planning to do
in order to eradicate all credit card fraud...

and in order to precipitate
a totally cashless society...

what they're planning to do, what they've
already tested on the American troops...

they're gonna subcutaneously laser-tattoo
that mark onto your right hand or forehead.

They're gonna replace plastic with flesh.

Fact!

In the same Book of Revelations,
when the seven seals are broken open...

on the Day ofJudgment
and the seven angels blow the trumpets...

when the third angel blows her bugle,
wormwood will fall from the sky...

wormwood will poison
a third part of all the waters...

and a third part of all the land,
and many, many, many people will die.

Now, do you know what
the Russian translation for "wormwood" is?

- No.
- Chernobyl.

Fact!

On August the 18th, 1999...

the planets of our solar system
are gonna line up into the shape of a cross.

- I don't believe in astrology.
- I'm not talking about astrology!

I'm talking about astronomy.

They're gonna line up in the fixed signs
of Aquarius, Leo, Taurus and Scorpio...

which just happen to correspond
to the four beasts of the Apocalypse...

as mentioned in the Book of Daniel.

Another fucking fact!

Do you want me to go on?
The end of the world is nigh, Bri.

The game is up!

I don't believe that.

Life can't just come to a stop.

[Beeping]

All right, I'm not saying
that life will end...

or the world will end
or the universe will cease to exist...

but man will cease to exist.

Just like the dinosaurs passed into extinction,
the same thing will happen to us.

We're not fucking important.
We're just a crap idea.

I'm not gonna cease to exist.

I'm gonna be here in the future.

What is this fucking fixation
with the future?

Listen, pal,
I've got chronic systolic palpitations...

and acute fucking neuralgia.

- What about these toilets? Can I smoke in here?
- No, you fucking can't!

- Let me ask you a question.
- What?

Have you ever had the sense that you've
lived in a time different from this one?

- What, you mean, like, in a past life?
- Could be, yeah.

- Well, in my past life, I was dead.
- Ah, well, you see, I wasn't.

I know I was here in the past,
before I was born.

So I know I'm gonna be here
in the future, after I've died.

I see. And in this alternative existence,
did you still have the same noxious body odor?

There's no need to be personal.
It's what I believe.

- Shall I tell you what I believe?
- You don't believe in anything.

- Oh, I do, Brian.
- Yeah? What do you believe?

Do you think that the amoeba ever dreamed
that it would evolve into the frog?

Of course it didn't.

And when that first frog shimmied out of
the water and employed its vocal cords...

in order to attract a mate
or to retard a predator...

do you think that that frog ever imagined
that that incipient croak...

would evolve into all the languages of the world,
into all the literature of the world?

Of course it fucking didn't.

And just as that froggy could never
possibly have conceived of Shakespeare...

so we can never possibly
imagine our destiny.

I know what my destiny is.

Yeah, but what you're experiencing,
as far as I can gather...

with all these manifestations
of, uh, regression and precognition...

and transmigratory
astral fucking chatterings...

is just the equivalent
of that first primeval grunt...

because evolution isn't over.

Man isn't the be-all
and fucking end-all.

Look, if you take the whole of time,
represented by one year...

we're only in the first few moments
of the first ofJanuary.

There's a long way to go.

Only now we're not gonna sprout
extra limbs and wings and fins...

because evolution itself is evolving.

And whereas you, through some process
of extrasensory recall...

might imagine that you were some -
I don't know - some 17 th-century Dutch girl...

living in a windmill in old Amsterdam...

one day you'll realize that you've had not
just one or two past or future existences...

but that you were, and are, everybody
and everything that has ever been...

or will ever be.

Hang on a minute.
You just contradicted yourself.

Oh, how'd you make that out?

Downstairs you were predicting the end of the world.
Now you're talking about the future.

- How do you explain that, eh?
- Easy.

When it comes,
the Apocalypse itself...

will be part of the process
of that leap of evolution.

Yeah. Well, whatever happens...

mankind will not cease to exist.

He must. By the very definition of apocalypse,
mankind must cease to exist...

at least in a material form.

What do you mean,
"in a material form"?

- Well, he'll evolve.
- What into?

Into something
that transcends matter.

Into a species of pure thought.
Are you with me?

Yeah. Like a ghost.

[Chuckling] No, not like a fucking ghost,
you big girl's blouse!

Into something that's, like,
well beyond our comprehension.

Into a universal consciousness.

Into God,
who is, by the same principle...

that time is.

- You don't believe in God.
- Of course I believe in God.

You see, the thing is, Brian...

that God is a hateful god.

Must be...

because if God is good,
then why is there evil in the world?

Why is there pain and hate
and greed and war?

Doesn't make sense.

But if God is a nasty bastard, then you can say,
"Why is there good in the world?

Why is there love and hope and joy?"

Well, let's face it. Good exists
in order to be fucked up by evil.

The very existence of good
enables evil to flourish.

Therefore, God is bad.

And it doesn't matter how many past
or future existences you have...

because they're all gonna be riddled
with grief and anguish...

and sickness and death.

You see, Brian, God doesn't love you.

God despises you.

So there's no hope...

and mankind
is just a component of the device...

by which the devil creates itself.

Are you with me?

You see, what I'm saying, basically, is...

you can't make an omelet
without cracking a few eggs...

and humanity is just a cracked egg...

and the omelet stinks.

[Sighs]

Yeah.

Oh. And what's through
the round window?

- Who's that?
- [Chuckles] Good question.

Have you seen her before?

Oh, yeah.
She's there every night.

- Good-looking young girl, isn't she?
- She's all right.

Does she ever have fellas up there?

No.

Have you ever seen her, like,
you know, totally naked?

Once.

What's she up to, eh?

I mean, what's her game,
taunting people in the middle of the night, eh?

She probably gets a kick out of it,
like you get a kick out of watching her.

- I'm doing no such thing.
- Well, I am.

Have you got a hard-on?

No, I haven't, as a matter of fact.

You wouldn't tell me if you had,
would you?

No, I don't think I would.

- Did you make these yourself?
- I did, yeah.

I thought so.

Well, listen, I might be back
in a couple of minutes.

Be good.
If you can't be good, be careful.

- And other clich�s.
- Yeah.

Well, tatty-bye, Bri.

Yes.

Charles? What?

[Speaking French]

Hello?

What the fuck's going on?
Where the bloody hell's Dorfman?

The bastard's cost me
30 grand already.

[Shouting In French]

Fuck!

Sorry about that.

Oh, I'm sorry, love.

That's not you on the top floor,
is it, dancin'?

Yeah. Why?

Oh, right.
Um, you're a lovely mover.

[Chuckling]

I'm sorry, pet.
I'm, uh, freaking you out.

- Where's Bhapu?
- Bhapu?

- It's cold.
- Listen, I'd better explain meself.

You see, me brother's working
as an "insecurity"guard...

in that fucking monstrosity round the back,
and we can see straight into your room.

It's very nice.

Anyway, he's got his boss coming round,
so he's told me to schlep round the streets...

for a couple ofhours, and I said I'd come
and say hello to Isadora Duncan...

keep you company.

I know it's a bit cheeky,
but, uh, I'm a cheeky young monkey.

- Do you want to come in?
- Is that all right?

Hmm. How long
have you been growing that?

- About two inches.
- Hmm. It's nice.

You've had a few, haven't you, love?

- Do you want to come in?
- Thought you'd never ask.

- Am I allowed to smoke in here?
- Yeah.

Thank Christ for that.

Do you want a drink?

- Mmm.
- I think I better have, don't you?

Got a bit of fucking
catching up to do, huh?

- Here's to the monarchy.
- [Chuckles]

What's funny?

I'm not laughing.

So do you live here on your own, yeah?

Is this what you're reading?

Jane Austen by Emma.

- It's my favorite book.
- Is it really?

I don't read much myself.

You from Ireland?

No. Why?

What's that, a damp patch?

Oh.

I never noticed that before.

[Grunts]

How's it going inside there?

Mmm. Baby.

Baby.
[Moans]

How old are you, love?

It's funny, 'cause from over there,
you look a lot younger.

I think me big brother's
quite taken with you.

He's up there every night,
having a bit of a wank about you.

Are you with me?

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