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1
00:00:31,048 --> 00:00:33,210
TV ANNOUNCER ( quietly ).
He approaches the green.
2
00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:34,411
He thinks better
of it
3
00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,613
and backs away
two steps.
4
00:00:36,653 --> 00:00:37,620
Three steps.
5
00:00:37,654 --> 00:00:38,621
Wake up, girl.
6
00:00:38,655 --> 00:00:40,623
You don't want to miss
all the excitement.
7
00:00:40,657 --> 00:00:43,319
( Quietly ). Wesley
Tung is now three inches
8
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,522
from the putting
surface.
9
00:00:45,562 --> 00:00:46,961
Electrifying.
10
00:00:46,997 --> 00:00:50,456
Heart-pounding. That grass
was topped a few days ago,
11
00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,229
but it's still a bit thick.
12
00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:53,566
A terrible challenge.
13
00:00:53,604 --> 00:00:56,403
BILL ( faintly ):
Hank, help me.
14
00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:58,408
Help, Hank.
15
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,444
I'm just hearing things.
Right, girl?
16
00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:04,448
ANNOUNCER( quietly ). This
is an absolutely crucial chip.
17
00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:06,813
BILL: Please, Hank, help Bill.
18
00:01:06,850 --> 00:01:08,011
Help!
19
00:01:08,051 --> 00:01:09,780
( Exasperated sigh )
20
00:01:12,556 --> 00:01:13,580
Help!
21
00:01:14,224 --> 00:01:15,453
( Sighing ).
Not again.
22
00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:16,482
Help me, Hank!
23
00:01:16,526 --> 00:01:17,891
I'm trapped!
24
00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:20,487
( Wheezing )
25
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:22,321
Thanks, buddy!
26
00:01:22,366 --> 00:01:24,994
I was looking
for change under there,
27
00:01:25,035 --> 00:01:26,469
and I got stuck.
28
00:01:26,570 --> 00:01:29,005
I'm ordering a pizza. Hungry?
29
00:01:29,039 --> 00:01:35,445
No, and don't bring
it to my house.
30
00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:39,711
A gushing geyser
of golf greatness.
31
00:01:39,750 --> 00:01:41,684
Wouldn't you
agree, Hank?
32
00:01:41,718 --> 00:01:43,447
I forgot,
you missed it.
33
00:01:43,487 --> 00:01:47,151
All told, a treasury
of golden golf memories,
34
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:51,684
but only for those who
actually saw this storied golf.
35
00:01:51,728 --> 00:01:55,289
You officially owe me
one memorable sports moment.
36
00:01:55,332 --> 00:01:58,859
Dang it. Lately my scalp's
been itching like crazy.
37
00:01:58,902 --> 00:02:02,133
You, too? I thought my
Spider-sense was tingling
38
00:02:02,172 --> 00:02:03,833
to warn me of danger.
39
00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:06,673
Unless we both have
Spider-sense.
40
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:07,677
Finally!
41
00:02:07,711 --> 00:02:09,679
We can talk about
something besides
42
00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:12,273
who ruined whose
golf-watching day.
43
00:02:12,316 --> 00:02:15,946
( Chuckling ):
My scalp is itchy, too!
44
00:02:15,986 --> 00:02:16,953
It's lice,
you know.
45
00:02:16,987 --> 00:02:18,079
What?!
No, man!
46
00:02:18,121 --> 00:02:19,486
There's a lady
in town
47
00:02:19,523 --> 00:02:21,958
who does lice treatment
for school kids.
48
00:02:21,992 --> 00:02:22,982
She's so pretty.
49
00:02:23,026 --> 00:02:26,155
So, I stuck my arms
into a big pile of hair
50
00:02:26,196 --> 00:02:29,166
we cut off some new recruits,
and those little critters,
51
00:02:29,199 --> 00:02:32,396
they just hopped
right aboard me.
52
00:02:32,436 --> 00:02:34,996
If any of you guys know a better
way to meet the lice lady,
53
00:02:35,038 --> 00:02:36,096
I'd like to hear it.
54
00:02:36,139 --> 00:02:37,800
You gave us all lice,
55
00:02:37,841 --> 00:02:42,745
you disgusting he-freak!
56
00:02:42,779 --> 00:02:45,612
Uh, hi, Hank?
57
00:02:45,649 --> 00:02:47,447
( Screaming )
58
00:02:47,484 --> 00:02:50,715
DALE: Boomhauer, your
bathroom is gorgeous.
59
00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:52,415
Can I bring Nancy
by tonight
60
00:02:52,456 --> 00:02:53,423
after dinner?
61
00:02:53,457 --> 00:02:55,687
Okay, everybody.
Heads in the tub.
62
00:03:00,163 --> 00:03:01,562
Now, according
to the label,
63
00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:03,362
all the lice should be dead,
64
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,368
and our hair should be bouncy
and manageable.
65
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:06,369
So, how's
everybody feel?
66
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:13,173
Man, dang ol' bunkered in, man.
67
00:03:13,210 --> 00:03:15,178
Talkin' bout clean out now, man.
68
00:03:15,212 --> 00:03:19,740
I got no dang end
to this stuff, man.
69
00:03:19,783 --> 00:03:20,807
( Screaming )
70
00:03:20,851 --> 00:03:22,945
Die! Die! Die!
71
00:03:22,986 --> 00:03:24,010
( Sighs)
72
00:03:24,054 --> 00:03:25,078
Yup. Mm-hmm.
73
00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:27,216
Gh... gh... gih!
74
00:03:27,257 --> 00:03:28,747
( Screaming )
75
00:03:28,792 --> 00:03:29,816
( Sobbing )
76
00:03:29,860 --> 00:03:31,988
Pull it together,
Dale.
77
00:03:32,028 --> 00:03:37,330
I don't want to have
to put the plastic cone
78
00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:39,461
around your neck.
79
00:03:39,503 --> 00:03:40,527
( Sobbing )
80
00:03:40,570 --> 00:03:42,937
PEGGY:
Hank, lice are nothing
81
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,031
to be ashamed of.
82
00:03:44,074 --> 00:03:45,041
If it's nothing,
83
00:03:45,075 --> 00:03:47,043
why are you still wearing
your shower cap?
84
00:03:47,077 --> 00:03:49,409
Am I?7 No...
Why, so I am.
85
00:03:49,446 --> 00:03:51,414
( Nervous laugh ).
That is so funny.
86
00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,712
I... well, I'll just take
it off when I go outside,
87
00:03:53,750 --> 00:03:56,913
where it'll be easier
to... take off.
88
00:03:56,953 --> 00:03:59,547
That got-dang Bill.
89
00:03:59,589 --> 00:04:00,954
Ever since Lenore left him,
90
00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:03,016
I've done nothing
but cut him slack.
91
00:04:03,059 --> 00:04:04,288
He sleeps on my car,
92
00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:06,796
he's always stealing
Ladybird's squeaky toys...
93
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,629
Remember when he kept
a chamber pot by his bed?
94
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,395
( Sighs)
95
00:04:11,435 --> 00:04:14,735
He keeps burying his porno
in our backyard, and he...
96
00:04:14,771 --> 00:04:16,739
Well, I can't put up
with it forever.
97
00:04:16,773 --> 00:04:17,740
It ends today.
98
00:04:17,774 --> 00:04:18,741
Yup.
99
00:04:18,775 --> 00:04:19,833
Yup.
100
00:04:19,876 --> 00:04:22,004
Yu-up!
101
00:04:22,045 --> 00:04:24,241
( Sighs)
102
00:04:24,281 --> 00:04:26,545
Well, the lice lady's booked up
for weeks--
103
00:04:26,583 --> 00:04:29,382
Big epidemic
at the Cub Scout jamboree.
104
00:04:29,419 --> 00:04:32,252
She says the only thing
we can do is shave our heads.
105
00:04:32,289 --> 00:04:36,351
Ding! Better idea. As an
exterminator, I will take steps
106
00:04:36,393 --> 00:04:39,385
to spare us the shame
of hairlessness.
107
00:04:39,429 --> 00:04:40,897
( Grunting )
108
00:04:40,931 --> 00:04:43,866
A mixture of malathion
and lindane.
109
00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:46,528
Fairly harmless,
according to the government,
110
00:04:46,570 --> 00:04:49,505
which has been squirting it
at you for most of your life.
111
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:50,870
Dang it, Dale,
I don't like
112
00:04:50,907 --> 00:04:53,069
the whole head-shaving
thing either, but...
113
00:04:53,109 --> 00:04:55,635
BILL: Yup! Get lost, Bill!
114
00:04:55,679 --> 00:04:58,580
Observe.
115
00:04:58,615 --> 00:05:01,585
( Humming )
116
00:05:01,618 --> 00:05:03,950
Simple enough. Huh!
117
00:05:03,987 --> 00:05:06,581
And... tingling.
118
00:05:06,623 --> 00:05:09,285
And... burning.
119
00:05:09,326 --> 00:05:12,728
Itching, itching... burning.
120
00:05:12,762 --> 00:05:15,527
And... blindness.
121
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:18,296
Intense burning.
122
00:05:18,335 --> 00:05:23,899
Hank, get your hose.
123
00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:26,841
Now! Hank!
124
00:05:26,877 --> 00:05:28,811
I want to play
lawn games, too.
125
00:05:28,845 --> 00:05:32,281
But nobody wants Bit's
head on their lawn, oh, no.
126
00:05:32,315 --> 00:05:36,479
"Bill has lice,
he's no good."
127
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:39,683
"Blibbity, blibbity bloo."
128
00:05:39,723 --> 00:05:41,817
I suck.
129
00:05:41,858 --> 00:05:44,384
Huh... you usually
get a case.
130
00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:47,863
That's back when I had
friends to share beer with.
131
00:05:47,898 --> 00:05:49,696
Can I drink here?
132
00:05:49,733 --> 00:05:51,724
Nope.
133
00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:07,210
Slurring ).
Just you and me, mailbox.
134
00:06:07,250 --> 00:06:10,515
There you go, buddy.
135
00:06:10,554 --> 00:06:13,080
Uh, sir,
you can't do that.
136
00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:17,117
{ chuckling ):
Oops. I'm sorry, Fuzz... Fuzzy.
137
00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:19,128
All right sir,
time to come downtown.
138
00:06:19,162 --> 00:06:21,062
I've got a 1-4-9
on a 3-4-4.
139
00:06:21,097 --> 00:06:24,727
( Garbled radio transmission )
140
00:06:24,768 --> 00:06:27,066
Did you catch
the North side burglar?
141
00:06:27,103 --> 00:06:28,537
No, he's a drunk.
142
00:06:28,572 --> 00:06:30,540
( Exasperated ).
Is a 1-4-9 a burglary, Doug?
143
00:06:30,574 --> 00:06:31,837
You said 1-4-97
144
00:06:31,875 --> 00:06:33,843
I thought you said
"I got the burglar."
145
00:06:33,877 --> 00:06:38,405
No, he said 7-4-9.
146
00:06:38,448 --> 00:06:45,286
Sorry. I'm a little drunk.
147
00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:47,450
I have always wanted
to use one of these.
148
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:50,255
Bobby, don't you have
something better to do
149
00:06:50,293 --> 00:06:52,193
than watch this?
150
00:06:52,228 --> 00:06:54,788
Oh, right-- like I'm supposed
to go do my homework
151
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,799
when my dad is getting
his head shaved!
152
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,268
Let's get this done with.
153
00:06:59,302 --> 00:07:01,930
It'll be one less thing
to remind me of Bill.
154
00:07:01,972 --> 00:07:02,939
( Phone rings )
155
00:07:02,973 --> 00:07:04,873
Hank? Thank God you're home.
156
00:07:06,242 --> 00:07:08,540
Well, where the hell else
would I be?
157
00:07:08,578 --> 00:07:10,945
I'm sitting here getting
my head shaved, thanks to you.
158
00:07:11,047 --> 00:07:13,277
I'm in jail.
I fed a mailbox.
159
00:07:13,316 --> 00:07:15,842
I only get one phone call
and I called you...
160
00:07:15,885 --> 00:07:18,354
my bestest, oldest
friend in the world.
161
00:07:18,388 --> 00:07:19,981
You have to come
down here.
162
00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:20,990
( Groans )
163
00:07:21,891 --> 00:07:22,551
No.
164
00:07:22,592 --> 00:07:24,492
You're my... Hank!
165
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:28,896
( Sobbing )
166
00:07:28,932 --> 00:07:32,061
( Whimpers ).
Oh...
167
00:07:32,102 --> 00:07:35,163
Nancy shaved me.
She did my armpits, too.
168
00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:36,764
I feel so clean.
169
00:07:36,806 --> 00:07:40,265
Hank! Boomhauer
and me are shaved.
170
00:07:40,310 --> 00:07:41,778
Are you shaved yet,
Hank?
171
00:07:41,811 --> 00:07:43,779
Ooh, Hank, you are going to look
172
00:07:43,813 --> 00:07:45,781
awfully studly
when I'm through.
173
00:07:45,815 --> 00:07:46,782
( Sighs)
174
00:07:46,816 --> 00:07:47,783
Hmm?
175
00:07:47,817 --> 00:07:48,784
What is-- |
176
00:07:48,818 --> 00:07:51,480
Hank! Why have you never
told me you have a tattoo?
177
00:07:51,521 --> 00:07:55,480
What? That's impossible.
I don't have a...
178
00:07:55,525 --> 00:07:56,651
I am looking right
at it!
179
00:07:56,693 --> 00:07:58,661
Who is she, huh?
Your first love?
180
00:07:58,695 --> 00:08:01,392
Some roadhouse tramp?!
181
00:08:01,431 --> 00:08:02,626
"Bill"?
182
00:08:02,666 --> 00:08:04,760
Bwaaagh!
183
00:08:07,971 --> 00:08:09,598
Got-dang it!
184
00:08:09,639 --> 00:08:11,300
How could this be here?
185
00:08:11,341 --> 00:08:12,433
Get off me!
186
00:08:12,475 --> 00:08:13,943
PEGGY:
Hank, it's a tattoo.
187
00:08:13,977 --> 00:08:16,378
You cannot rub it off
with a washcloth!
188
00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:18,108
Got-dang it!
189
00:08:18,148 --> 00:08:19,343
How does a man
lose track
190
00:08:19,382 --> 00:08:21,714
of the back
of his own head?
191
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,412
Ugh, a tattoo?
192
00:08:23,453 --> 00:08:26,753
I've been lying every time
I donated blood.
193
00:08:26,790 --> 00:08:29,782
( Muttering gibberish )
194
00:08:29,826 --> 00:08:31,351
( Sighs)
195
00:08:31,394 --> 00:08:33,761
'Atsa matter, buddy?
196
00:08:33,797 --> 00:08:37,461
I'm the matter.
197
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:39,332
I screw everything up.
198
00:08:39,369 --> 00:08:40,768
All my friends
are mad at me
199
00:08:40,804 --> 00:08:43,000
because I gave
them lice.
200
00:08:43,039 --> 00:08:44,632
'You got lice?
201
00:08:44,674 --> 00:08:46,574
I also spit when I talk.
202
00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:48,338
And I fart when I spit.
203
00:08:48,378 --> 00:08:51,814
That's what makes
the world interesting.
204
00:09:01,424 --> 00:09:04,860
Hank? So, you're
the North side burglar.
205
00:09:04,894 --> 00:09:06,225
Wait here a minute.
206
00:09:06,262 --> 00:09:09,892
Nancy! Will you bring
me a gun, please?
207
00:09:09,933 --> 00:09:11,264
Knock it off, Dale.
208
00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,269
I need to ask you
something serious.
209
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,362
Now, can you
remember any reason
210
00:09:15,405 --> 00:09:18,306
why any of us might have
ever gotten a tattoo?
211
00:09:18,341 --> 00:09:20,901
What kind of tattoo?
Like a bar code?
212
00:09:20,944 --> 00:09:23,743
Because that would point
to the Rand Corporation.
213
00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:24,747
( Groans )
214
00:09:24,781 --> 00:09:25,748
Good night, Dale.
215
00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:30,515
Mr. Hill, I have to tell you,
tattoo removal is very painful
216
00:09:30,553 --> 00:09:32,214
and time consuming.
217
00:09:32,255 --> 00:09:35,020
Are you sure you can't work
things out with this "Bill"?
218
00:09:35,058 --> 00:09:36,492
I'm sure.
219
00:09:36,526 --> 00:09:38,858
Oh, come on, what'd he do--
forget your anniversary?
220
00:09:38,895 --> 00:09:41,557
Look at another guy
with a little more hair?
221
00:09:41,598 --> 00:09:44,295
Bill is not my...
anything.
222
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:46,462
I don't even know
how it got there.
223
00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:49,200
I just want it off
my head now.
224
00:09:49,239 --> 00:09:51,765
BILL: Sure, your fingers
turn blue from the barbicide,
225
00:09:51,808 --> 00:09:53,503
but that's just part of the job.
226
00:09:53,543 --> 00:09:55,409
You have a job?
Sure.
227
00:09:55,445 --> 00:09:57,038
Gotta pay the
mortgage somehow.
228
00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,105
'You got a house?
229
00:09:59,149 --> 00:10:01,743
Well, yeah. I got it
in the divorce.
230
00:10:01,785 --> 00:10:03,378
'You were married?
231
00:10:03,419 --> 00:10:04,978
( Gasping enviously )
232
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:07,422
Guess we got
a nickname for you--
233
00:10:07,457 --> 00:10:13,453
Slurring ).
"Hollywood "
234
00:10:13,496 --> 00:10:15,464
Well, if anyone can
explain your tattoo,
235
00:10:15,498 --> 00:10:16,522
it'll be Boomhauer.
236
00:10:16,566 --> 00:10:18,364
He figured out it was Dale
237
00:10:18,401 --> 00:10:20,369
who was stealing
your paper, remember?
238
00:10:20,403 --> 00:10:22,963
Hey, man. Little
ol' Hank. Peggy.
239
00:10:23,006 --> 00:10:25,998
( Faughs ):
Oh, man, you didn't.
240
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:30,411
Find a little ol' skin
art, did ya, man?
241
00:10:30,446 --> 00:10:32,141
( Faughing )
Dang ol' Hank.
242
00:10:32,182 --> 00:10:33,616
A dang ol' wild man.
243
00:10:33,650 --> 00:10:35,414
All right, Boomhauer.
Spill it.
244
00:10:35,451 --> 00:10:37,715
Tell you what, why don't
you go ahead and relax?
245
00:10:37,754 --> 00:10:40,416
Sit down a speck, I'm gonna
tell you a little story, man,
246
00:10:40,456 --> 00:10:43,391
'bout a long time ago, in a
dang ol' Arlen, far, far, away.
247
00:10:43,426 --> 00:10:47,021
You know, talkin'
'bout a simpler time.
248
00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:49,031
You know, man,
bunch of crazy kids.
249
00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:52,296
No bell bottoms, dang of'...
none of that 'Disco sucks'...
250
00:10:52,335 --> 00:10:55,361
Talkin' 'bout back
in the day, man...
251
00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:57,601
I can't believe
Bill joined up.
252
00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:59,870
Every time I exercise
my freedoms,
253
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:02,105
I'll think of him
protecting them.
254
00:11:02,145 --> 00:11:05,206
(crying ).
I'll wait for you.
255
00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:07,216
Boy, that's
the third one today.
256
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:09,548
And none of them is going
to miss him more than me.
257
00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:13,489
Or me. Or, dang ol"... dang.
258
00:11:13,523 --> 00:11:14,820
Look at us, all mopey.
259
00:11:14,858 --> 00:11:16,622
This isn't any kind of send-off
260
00:11:16,659 --> 00:11:18,650
for a soon-to-be
war hero.
261
00:11:18,695 --> 00:11:20,356
Road trip! Whoo-hoo!
262
00:11:20,396 --> 00:11:23,764
Big ol' D, man!
Here comes.
263
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:24,767
Party!
264
00:11:26,366 --> 00:11:28,164
Dallas! Can we see
265
00:11:28,201 --> 00:11:30,000
where Lee Harvey Oswald
was framed?
266
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,264
Well, I just hope
you fellas don't go
267
00:11:32,302 --> 00:11:34,862
and have foo much fun
while I'm gone.
268
00:11:34,905 --> 00:11:37,431
We won't. This is
the last night of fun
269
00:11:37,474 --> 00:11:39,306
we'll have till
you get back.
270
00:11:39,342 --> 00:11:40,832
Now I want to be
the first one
271
00:11:40,877 --> 00:11:43,175
to buy the Army man
a drink.
272
00:11:43,213 --> 00:11:44,180
The "Chainsaw." Huh.
273
00:11:44,214 --> 00:11:46,911
Probably a hangout
for the lumber industry.
274
00:11:46,950 --> 00:11:48,782
( Playing punk rock )
275
00:11:48,819 --> 00:11:52,983
HANK ( sfurring ): Look
out, enemies of Americal
276
00:11:53,023 --> 00:11:54,855
Here comes our friend,
277
00:11:54,891 --> 00:11:57,189
Private First Class,
Bill Dauterive!
278
00:11:57,227 --> 00:11:59,491
The man! Yay!
To Bill!
279
00:11:59,529 --> 00:12:01,054
Dang 'ol, man.
280
00:12:01,097 --> 00:12:02,326
Play "The Gambler!"
281
00:12:02,365 --> 00:12:05,494
Come on, play "The Gambler!"
282
00:12:05,535 --> 00:12:12,373
J You got to know
when to hold "em �
283
00:12:12,409 --> 00:12:14,173
& Know when to fold 'em
284
00:12:14,211 --> 00:12:16,179
( sturring ).
Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill.
285
00:12:16,213 --> 00:12:18,181
Every time I go
to the hardware store
286
00:12:18,215 --> 00:12:20,183
and the guy says,
"Okay, here's your bill,"
287
00:12:20,217 --> 00:12:22,185
I'm going to say
"No, it's not."
288
00:12:22,219 --> 00:12:23,186
"This is my Bill."
289
00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,187
Hey, jackass.
290
00:12:24,221 --> 00:12:28,089
How'd you like to
lose that finger?
291
00:12:28,124 --> 00:12:29,148
Whoa, whoa, there!
292
00:12:29,192 --> 00:12:32,127
'You watch your
language around Gl Bill!
293
00:12:32,162 --> 00:12:37,692
Take it easy, friend.
294
00:12:37,734 --> 00:12:40,328
Aren't we all just here to rock?
295
00:12:40,370 --> 00:12:43,067
( Blowing raspberry )
296
00:12:43,106 --> 00:12:46,508
( Punk rock music plays )
297
00:12:46,543 --> 00:12:47,510
Boomhauer!
298
00:12:47,544 --> 00:12:50,707
Get Hank out of here!
299
00:12:50,747 --> 00:12:54,809
So Bill saved my butt
and I never even thanked him.
300
00:12:54,851 --> 00:12:56,819
( Faughs ): Oh,
yes, you did, man.
301
00:12:56,853 --> 00:13:01,222
2 Bill knows when to fold 'em &
302
00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:03,249
4 He knows when to hold 'em.
303
00:13:03,293 --> 00:13:04,260
( Dale retching )
304
00:13:04,294 --> 00:13:06,456
Boomhauer, stick with Hank.
305
00:13:06,496 --> 00:13:08,760
It's going to be a while
with Dale.
306
00:13:08,798 --> 00:13:11,165
( Weakly ).
I had a big dinner.
307
00:13:11,201 --> 00:13:14,034
I tried to join up, too,
but they didn't take me--
308
00:13:14,070 --> 00:13:16,539
Slurring ).
narrow urethra.
309
00:13:16,573 --> 00:13:17,540
Bill!
310
00:13:20,410 --> 00:13:22,538
Hey, man,
d-dang... ho, man.
311
00:13:25,382 --> 00:13:27,476
HANK:
Big, big letters, here to here
312
00:13:27,717 --> 00:13:30,584
B-I-L-L. Bill!
313
00:13:30,620 --> 00:13:31,678
Okay.
314
00:13:31,721 --> 00:13:33,280
( Sighs)
315
00:13:33,323 --> 00:13:34,882
( Moaning )
316
00:13:34,925 --> 00:13:35,983
( Snoring )
317
00:13:36,026 --> 00:13:38,688
Hey, man, dang...
dang ol' passed out cold, man.
318
00:13:38,728 --> 00:13:40,662
L-let'sd... let it go, man.
319
00:13:40,697 --> 00:13:43,997
I accepted his money;
he's getting his ink.
320
00:13:44,034 --> 00:13:45,001
( Groans ):
Dang it.
321
00:13:45,035 --> 00:13:46,002
Oh, okay, man.
322
00:13:46,036 --> 00:13:48,004
But let's not-not... across
the dang ol' chest, man.
323
00:13:48,038 --> 00:13:49,130
F-Find a d... someplace
324
00:13:49,172 --> 00:13:52,665
where the dang ol' sun
don't shine, man.
325
00:13:52,709 --> 00:13:54,677
You know, I've been talking
about it
326
00:13:54,711 --> 00:13:56,679
like I thought you'd never know,
man.
327
00:13:56,713 --> 00:13:58,681
A dang ol' lice... threw in
that dang ol' curve ball, man.
328
00:13:58,715 --> 00:14:01,150
Just like a got-dang ol'
Sandy Koufax, man.
329
00:14:01,184 --> 00:14:02,948
( Sighs heavily )
330
00:14:02,986 --> 00:14:04,249
Yeah, I guess I forgot
331
00:14:04,287 --> 00:14:07,086
all about the Bill
that Bill used to be.
332
00:14:07,123 --> 00:14:08,716
I ought to kick
my own ass.
333
00:14:08,758 --> 00:14:10,726
You know,
the real surprise here
334
00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:12,091
is that those poor lice
335
00:14:12,128 --> 00:14:15,564
could ever have survived
off your cold, cold blood.
336
00:14:15,598 --> 00:14:22,163
BILL: Mmm, Dr. Milford,
be straight with me...
337
00:14:22,205 --> 00:14:23,366
what have I got?
338
00:14:23,406 --> 00:14:25,807
( Deep voice ).
It's a heart murmur.
339
00:14:25,842 --> 00:14:27,241
Tune in tomorrow.
340
00:14:27,277 --> 00:14:28,176
Oh, no!
341
00:14:28,211 --> 00:14:29,542
Aah, what happens?!
342
00:14:29,579 --> 00:14:30,944
A heart murmur?!
343
00:14:30,981 --> 00:14:33,450
Hey, come on, fellas,
you got to be patient, now.
344
00:14:33,616 --> 00:14:37,416
Man, jail was a lot less
fun before you got here.
345
00:14:37,454 --> 00:14:38,478
William Dauterive?
346
00:14:38,521 --> 00:14:40,421
Time for your court appearance.
347
00:14:44,461 --> 00:14:46,623
William Dauterive,
$50 fine.
348
00:14:46,663 --> 00:14:48,290
Don't do it again.
349
00:14:48,331 --> 00:14:49,298
You're free to go.
350
00:14:49,332 --> 00:14:52,302
Pay on your way out.
351
00:14:59,109 --> 00:15:01,009
Excuse me, Your Honor.
352
00:15:01,044 --> 00:15:03,012
What if I don't pay the fine?
353
00:15:03,046 --> 00:15:04,172
If you can't pay,
354
00:15:04,214 --> 00:15:05,511
you spend two days
in jail.
355
00:15:05,548 --> 00:15:07,414
I'm not paying!
356
00:15:07,450 --> 00:15:08,417
What?
357
00:15:08,451 --> 00:15:09,418
Whatever.
358
00:15:09,452 --> 00:15:11,250
Two days in jail.
359
00:15:11,287 --> 00:15:12,618
Thank you.
360
00:15:12,655 --> 00:15:14,623
Bill, what the heck
are you doing?
361
00:15:14,657 --> 00:15:16,955
What do you want?
362
00:15:16,993 --> 00:15:18,290
Did you come to mock me?
363
00:15:18,328 --> 00:15:20,160
No, Bill, I came to help.
364
00:15:20,196 --> 00:15:21,561
Well, you're a little late.
365
00:15:21,598 --> 00:15:24,158
I'm hanging up on you,
like you did to me.
366
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:27,534
And I might stay here longer
than two days.
367
00:15:27,570 --> 00:15:28,696
I'll commit another crime.
368
00:15:28,738 --> 00:15:31,400
Hell, I'll tell them
I'm the North side burglar.
369
00:15:31,441 --> 00:15:32,772
They'll lock me up
370
00:15:32,809 --> 00:15:34,140
and throw away the key.
371
00:15:34,177 --> 00:15:35,144
That'll show you.
372
00:15:35,178 --> 00:15:37,146
Come on, Bill,
you're being crazy.
373
00:15:37,180 --> 00:15:40,150
Bailiff, escort me
home, please.
374
00:15:40,183 --> 00:15:41,651
Hey, I got an idea.
375
00:15:41,684 --> 00:15:43,880
You tell the guys
back in the cell
376
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:45,319
I got electrocuted,
377
00:15:45,355 --> 00:15:47,323
then I'll jump out
and surprise them.
378
00:15:47,357 --> 00:15:49,223
Billl Bill!
No, wait! Bill!
379
00:15:52,395 --> 00:15:53,692
( Siren wailing )
380
00:15:54,731 --> 00:15:58,031
Officer, I demand to see
Bill Dauterive immediately.
381
00:15:58,068 --> 00:16:01,800
If necessary, I'll be happy to
fill out the proper paperwork.
382
00:16:01,838 --> 00:16:04,808
Mr. Dauterive
is refusing to see visitors.
383
00:16:04,841 --> 00:16:06,969
He was quite specific.
384
00:16:07,010 --> 00:16:10,742
I am not leaving this station
until I get to see my friend.
385
00:16:10,780 --> 00:16:17,015
Uh, sir, we really don't
do threats around here.
386
00:16:17,053 --> 00:16:18,145
Bl Bl!
387
00:16:18,188 --> 00:16:19,485
I need to talk to you!
388
00:16:19,522 --> 00:16:21,286
BILL:
Go away!
389
00:16:21,324 --> 00:16:23,725
TIM:
Yeah, go away!
390
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:25,558
Who are you?
391
00:16:25,595 --> 00:16:27,996
TIM:
Who are you?!
392
00:16:28,031 --> 00:16:29,226
Now, get lost!
393
00:16:29,265 --> 00:16:30,289
We're busy!
394
00:16:30,333 --> 00:16:32,563
( Men singing ) J There's
a hole, there's a hole �
395
00:16:32,602 --> 00:16:34,593
4 There's a hole
in the bottom of the sea I
396
00:16:34,637 --> 00:16:36,969
J There's a leg on the frog
on the bump on the log
397
00:16:37,006 --> 00:16:38,974
� In the hole
in the bottom of the sea
398
00:16:39,008 --> 00:16:40,976
J There's a leg on the frog
on the bump on the log
399
00:16:41,010 --> 00:16:42,978
� In the hole
in the bottom of the sea
400
00:16:43,012 --> 00:16:44,980
I There's a hole,
there's a hole I
401
00:16:45,014 --> 00:16:46,982
4 There's a hole
in the bottom of the sea. -
402
00:16:47,016 --> 00:16:47,983
( singing continues )
403
00:16:48,017 --> 00:16:48,984
Yeah, the fat one keeps saying
404
00:16:49,018 --> 00:16:52,579
he might be ready to cop
to those B & Es.
405
00:16:52,622 --> 00:16:54,283
Hey, you want your pizza?
406
00:16:54,324 --> 00:16:57,350
Work on him
until you get a confession.
407
00:16:57,393 --> 00:16:58,360
( Sighs)
408
00:16:58,394 --> 00:17:01,455
MAN: You know, the
fat bald guy in the T-shirt
409
00:17:01,498 --> 00:17:02,488
wants to confess
410
00:17:02,532 --> 00:17:04,864
to all those burglaries
on the North side.
411
00:17:04,901 --> 00:17:05,868
Really?
412
00:17:05,902 --> 00:17:06,869
So, Hollywood
Dauterive
413
00:17:06,903 --> 00:17:08,962
wants to start doing
some hard time.
414
00:17:09,005 --> 00:17:09,972
( Chuckling )
415
00:17:10,006 --> 00:17:11,974
Peggy, don't save dinner
for me tonight.
416
00:17:12,008 --> 00:17:13,476
I'll explain everything later.
417
00:17:13,510 --> 00:17:16,036
But right now,
I'm afraid I have to...
418
00:17:16,079 --> 00:17:18,070
break the law.
419
00:17:31,694 --> 00:17:37,656
( Sighing )
420
00:17:59,389 --> 00:18:01,881
I believe I'm in violation
of the law.
421
00:18:01,925 --> 00:18:02,915
Go ahead
422
00:18:02,959 --> 00:18:03,926
and arrest me.
423
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,190
Uh, sir, that's not
officially a law.
424
00:18:06,229 --> 00:18:09,426
Eh, it's just store policy,
but I don't enforce it.
425
00:18:09,465 --> 00:18:11,524
I'm not even wearing shoes
back here.
426
00:18:27,517 --> 00:18:29,417
You scratched
the bumper sticker
427
00:18:29,452 --> 00:18:33,582
from my daughter's school,
jackass.
428
00:18:39,195 --> 00:18:41,823
Hey, brother.
429
00:18:41,864 --> 00:18:43,263
MAN: Yeah, the
guards let me have
430
00:18:43,299 --> 00:18:44,824
a tape recorder
in here.
431
00:18:44,867 --> 00:18:46,301
You want to hear
432
00:18:46,336 --> 00:18:48,100
what your confession
would sound like, just for fun?
433
00:18:48,137 --> 00:18:49,605
BILL:
Eh, I appreciate that.
434
00:18:49,639 --> 00:18:51,767
I just don't want it
to sound too rehearsed.
435
00:18:51,808 --> 00:18:52,832
HANK:
Bl Bl!
436
00:18:52,875 --> 00:18:54,274
Hey, Bill.
437
00:18:54,310 --> 00:18:55,277
Hank?
438
00:18:55,311 --> 00:18:56,540
What are you doing here?
439
00:18:56,579 --> 00:18:57,546
I came to help you.
440
00:18:57,580 --> 00:18:58,877
Don't confess.
441
00:18:58,915 --> 00:19:01,577
Well, why should some criminal
get to go to jail
442
00:19:01,618 --> 00:19:02,915
and make me go back
443
00:19:02,952 --> 00:19:05,216
to my lousy life
without any friends?
444
00:19:05,255 --> 00:19:06,950
I'm your friend, Bill.
445
00:19:06,990 --> 00:19:07,957
Prove it.
446
00:19:07,991 --> 00:19:08,958
Prove it?
447
00:19:08,992 --> 00:19:10,960
I've been your friend
for 25 years.
448
00:19:10,994 --> 00:19:13,053
Who talked you out of buying
the houseboat?
449
00:19:13,096 --> 00:19:16,259
Who kept you from killing
yourself after Lenore left you?
450
00:19:16,299 --> 00:19:19,428
Who listens to you for hours
after you've had a nightmare?
451
00:19:19,469 --> 00:19:21,494
And I'm happy to do it
because we're friends.
452
00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:24,632
Heck, I even got myself arrested
just so I could talk to you.
453
00:19:24,674 --> 00:19:25,641
Huh.
454
00:19:25,675 --> 00:19:26,938
Yeah, and it turns out
455
00:19:26,976 --> 00:19:29,172
I also had your
name tattooed
456
00:19:29,212 --> 00:19:30,407
on the back of my head.
457
00:19:30,446 --> 00:19:33,074
Really?
Let me see it.
458
00:19:33,116 --> 00:19:34,208
Uh, actually,
459
00:19:34,250 --> 00:19:36,844
I just, kind of had it removed.
460
00:19:36,886 --> 00:19:38,547
Very painful process.
461
00:19:38,588 --> 00:19:41,023
Not because it wasn't
a great tattoo. But...
462
00:19:41,057 --> 00:19:42,024
Guard, I want to confess!
463
00:19:42,058 --> 00:19:44,550
Ow, dang.
464
00:19:44,594 --> 00:19:49,293
Uh, sir,
do you think I could have
465
00:19:49,332 --> 00:19:51,960
a moment of your time?
466
00:19:52,001 --> 00:19:56,268
( Groaning ).
Gosh, that smarts.
467
00:19:56,306 --> 00:19:59,071
If you want, I can
frame it in barbed wire.
468
00:19:59,108 --> 00:20:00,598
Or shakes.
469
00:20:00,643 --> 00:20:03,977
( Bill humming )
470
00:20:04,013 --> 00:20:05,481
HANK:
Bill. Hey, Bill.
471
00:20:05,515 --> 00:20:09,247
Now what?
472
00:20:09,285 --> 00:20:12,255
You, uh...
you still got that mirror?
473
00:20:12,288 --> 00:20:14,450
Will you look at that?
474
00:20:14,490 --> 00:20:16,618
I especially like
the smiley face
475
00:20:16,659 --> 00:20:20,061
over the "I."
476
00:20:20,096 --> 00:20:23,396
Wow. That must've been
incredibly painful.
477
00:20:23,433 --> 00:20:25,458
Yep.
478
00:20:25,501 --> 00:20:30,098
Yep.
479
00:20:30,773 --> 00:20:33,140
Looks like you're out early
on good behavior.
480
00:20:33,176 --> 00:20:35,110
If good behavior
is a factor here,
481
00:20:35,144 --> 00:20:37,374
I cleaned the toilets
and made the beds.
482
00:20:37,413 --> 00:20:38,778
Sit down, baldy.
483
00:20:38,815 --> 00:20:41,910
Your court date's not
till noon.
484
00:20:43,986 --> 00:20:46,455
Well, fellas,
looks like this is it.
485
00:20:46,489 --> 00:20:48,548
( Men groaning )
486
00:20:48,591 --> 00:20:50,525
I promised myself I wasn't
going to cry. Gee, Bill.
487
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,359
But look at me now.
Later, Hollywood.
488
00:20:53,396 --> 00:20:56,297
Hank, if you want,
I can get myself locked up again
489
00:20:56,332 --> 00:20:58,061
to keep you company
till noon.
490
00:20:58,101 --> 00:21:00,661
No, no. You've paid your
debt to society, Bill.
491
00:21:00,703 --> 00:21:02,171
Now I'll pay mine.
492
00:21:02,205 --> 00:21:06,073
Okay then.
493
00:21:06,109 --> 00:21:08,305
Okay.
494
00:21:18,254 --> 00:21:19,119
Uh...
495
00:21:19,155 --> 00:21:21,317
Mr. Dauterive,
you're free to go.
496
00:21:21,357 --> 00:21:23,348
Uh... that's okay.
497
00:21:23,393 --> 00:21:27,296
I'm waiting for a friend.
498
00:22:07,036 --> 00:22:08,629
( Men singing ) J There's
a hole, there's a hole �
499
00:22:08,671 --> 00:22:10,537
4 There's a hole
in the bottom of the sea. -
500
00:22:10,587 --> 00:22:15,137
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