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1
00:00:01,167 --> 00:00:03,436
♪
2
00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:09,242
Everybody lies
once in a while.
3
00:00:09,275 --> 00:00:14,047
Hey, joe. Those muttonchops‐‐
totally working for you.
4
00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:17,851
Hey. Aw, is that the tie
rose picked out for you?
No.
5
00:00:17,884 --> 00:00:20,186
Oh. It's nice.
6
00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:23,023
But maybe telling little lies
isn't so bad.
7
00:00:23,056 --> 00:00:26,392
For example, I should have lied
and said rose bought this tie.
8
00:00:26,426 --> 00:00:29,229
(Lem) once the black box
is activated,
9
00:00:29,262 --> 00:00:31,898
It can detect any lie
told by anybody in the room.
10
00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:33,433
It analyzes
speech sound waves
11
00:00:33,466 --> 00:00:36,269
And can identify
the distortion in our voices
12
00:00:36,302 --> 00:00:39,706
Created by the stress of lying,
and it doesn't work at all.
13
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:41,374
(Buzzes)
see? It does work. (Chuckles)
14
00:00:41,407 --> 00:00:43,910
I never had any doubts.
(Buzz)
15
00:00:43,944 --> 00:00:47,080
Okay, I had a small doubt.
(Buzz)
16
00:00:47,113 --> 00:00:49,115
Okay, every day,
I am incapacitated by fear.
17
00:00:49,149 --> 00:00:51,184
I don't know where
the magic comes from,
18
00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:53,419
And I'm terrified
that one day I'll wake up,
19
00:00:53,453 --> 00:00:56,189
And it will all be gone,
and I'll end up alone
20
00:00:56,222 --> 00:00:58,391
Living in my brother's basement
with his trains.
21
00:00:58,424 --> 00:01:02,362
Buzz, damn you!
Meanwhile, back at
a place of business...
22
00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:04,197
Since we're marketing this
for the military,
23
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:07,033
We have given this project our
top‐level security clearance.
24
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,870
Currently, we're the only people
who know about it.
(Buzz)
25
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,272
All right! I told my shrink.
26
00:01:12,305 --> 00:01:15,609
He says it's because I want him
to think I'm important.
Let me try.
27
00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:18,244
Every spring
on a remote island,
28
00:01:18,278 --> 00:01:20,480
Sean connery and I hunt
the most dangerous game‐‐
29
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:23,083
Man.
30
00:01:23,116 --> 00:01:24,951
I've also poisoned
one of you.
31
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:28,054
And before this day is done,
32
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:32,392
I'm going to force two of you
to make love.
33
00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:34,394
Oh, my god! I'm dying.
I can't breathe! (Coughs)
34
00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:36,830
Good luck, you two.
35
00:01:36,863 --> 00:01:39,600
Don't let the intimacy
hurt the friendship.
Relax, I'm lying.
36
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:43,169
I'm able to will myself
to believe whatever I say.
37
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:45,071
That's why your machine
couldn't tell.
38
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,907
As veronica has demonstrated
39
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,575
With her alarming mixture
of sex and death,
40
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,176
You two need to recalibrate this
41
00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:52,178
So that even she can't fool it.
(Door opens)
42
00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:54,915
Hey, it's my favorite people.
(Buzz)
43
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,250
Chet, what can I
do for you, sir?
44
00:01:57,283 --> 00:01:59,285
Actually,
I'm here to see ted.
45
00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:01,154
Are you and your daughter still
up for miniature golf today
46
00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:02,989
With me and olivia?
47
00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:05,358
Looking forward to it, sir.
48
00:02:05,391 --> 00:02:08,629
Excellent. I've got my clubs
and I am going to beat you.
49
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:10,196
Oh, my.
That didn't come out right.
50
00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:13,433
Don't worry. I've never
hit anyone with a golf club.
(Buzz)
51
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:16,169
At least, not on purpose.
(Buzz)
52
00:02:16,202 --> 00:02:19,372
Hey,
what's this fun machine?
It's just a random buzzer.
53
00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:20,774
(Buzz)
it's working.
54
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:22,676
Well, I've got to
get back upstairs
55
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:25,646
And put some more evil
into the world.
56
00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:27,447
(Door closes)
57
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,316
What did you think,
you're elves in the north pole?
58
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,686
You know where you work.
59
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,023
So you're jetting off
60
00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:39,159
For a glamorous golf game
with the boss.
It's hardly glamorous.
61
00:02:39,192 --> 00:02:40,994
On the final hole,
you have to putt the ball
62
00:02:41,027 --> 00:02:42,663
Into the mouth of a rabbit
who, for copyright reasons,
63
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:44,397
Is named schmugs schmunny.
64
00:02:44,430 --> 00:02:47,167
(Sighs) it's not fair‐‐
all you people with your kids,
65
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,335
Palling around after hours,
networking,
66
00:02:49,369 --> 00:02:52,639
Advancing your careers.
And I get left behind
just because
67
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,808
I don't want to turn my uterus
into a human veal farm.
68
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:57,377
Well, some call it
the miracle of life, but okay.
69
00:02:57,410 --> 00:02:59,680
Look, chet's daughter olivia
and rose
70
00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:01,748
Both go to
the veridian aftercare program,
71
00:03:01,782 --> 00:03:03,584
And they've
gotten to be friends,
72
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,719
Like two cutlets
in a scaloppine.
73
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,721
So I figured
it would be good to
get some face time
with the boss.
74
00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:09,155
Just be careful, ted.
75
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,157
There's a reason
it's called the kid mafia.
76
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:13,527
Because you started
calling it that?
77
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,729
Yes. And because one minute,
you're flying high with chet,
78
00:03:15,762 --> 00:03:18,532
And the next,
you're buried in the desert
with a bullet in your skull,
79
00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:20,033
Or whatever
the kid equivalent is‐‐
80
00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:21,635
Probably something
with poop.
81
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:27,240
This is my calm voice!
Do you wanna hear my
uncalm voice?
82
00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:30,276
Damn it!
83
00:03:30,310 --> 00:03:32,278
Wow.
Linda seems pretty upset.
84
00:03:32,312 --> 00:03:35,281
Yeah, someone
should do something.
Definitely.
85
00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:36,449
You mean someone else, right?
86
00:03:36,482 --> 00:03:38,852
Ideally.
Or we could.
87
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:41,054
Weareher friends.
Yeah, but does she
consider us close friends?
88
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:42,422
Close enough to let us
carry her burdens?
89
00:03:42,455 --> 00:03:44,390
If we were
walking along the beach,
90
00:03:44,424 --> 00:03:46,426
Would there be three sets
of footprints or two or none?
91
00:03:46,459 --> 00:03:49,362
I consider you close enough
to hear everything you're
saying.
92
00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:51,431
Hey, linda.
How's it going?
93
00:03:51,464 --> 00:03:53,399
(Sighs)
my brother smashed up my car,
94
00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:55,536
And I need $5,000
to get it fixed.
95
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:58,138
The company said
they wouldn't advance it to me
96
00:03:58,171 --> 00:04:00,974
Unless I agreed to carry
a cloned orangutan to term.
97
00:04:01,007 --> 00:04:03,443
I wouldn't do it.
Orangutan arms are so long,
98
00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:06,312
They'd poke out
way before the rest of them.
99
00:04:06,346 --> 00:04:08,448
The last two weeks
of the pregnancy,
100
00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:11,251
They'll be picking up
everything you drop.
Thank you.
101
00:04:11,284 --> 00:04:13,754
Finally, I have a good reason
not to be implanted with
102
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,822
An orangutan embryo.
103
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:18,992
Hey, what if we loaned you
the money?
Yeah.
104
00:04:19,025 --> 00:04:20,393
Oh, you guys are sweet,
105
00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:23,263
But I can't borrow money
from you.
Of course not.
106
00:04:23,296 --> 00:04:25,398
Only a really good friend
would feel comfortable enough
107
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:27,568
To borrow money.
We overreached.
108
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:30,136
We have been rightfully shamed,
and we shall now take our leave.
109
00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:34,608
Guys, you are my friends.
Then prove it
and take our money.
110
00:04:34,641 --> 00:04:37,611
Do it, linda. Talk is cheap.
All right. I'll take your money.
111
00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:40,180
Excellent! Then it's time
to lower the gangplank
112
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:42,516
And welcome you aboard
the friend ship.
113
00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:44,450
Please don't judge us
for that.
114
00:04:48,454 --> 00:04:50,524
Oh, look at that.
115
00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:52,492
I've never seen olivia
so crazy for anyone
116
00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:54,528
As she is for your daughter.
117
00:04:54,561 --> 00:04:56,429
Kids‐‐there's
just no rhyme or reason
118
00:04:56,462 --> 00:04:59,199
To some of the ridiculous things
they get attached to.
119
00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:02,636
Yeah. Wait, what?
Olivia used to play with
joe mullen's daughter
120
00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:05,171
But that girl was
relentlessly competitive
121
00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:07,340
And good at things.
122
00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:09,610
Joe mullen... Wait, wasn't he
recently transferred to nigeria?
123
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,277
(Laughs) yeah.
124
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:13,814
I remember he was nervous
about all the kidnappings.
125
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:17,017
He‐‐he described it as
a "ransom‐based economy."
(Laughs) yeah.
126
00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:20,486
I'm sure he lives
in constant fear.
127
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,488
It's not fair!
What's the matter,
sweetheart?
128
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:26,126
Rose keeps winning.
If I'm so special,
why aren't I winning?
129
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,894
Maybe you're just
not special at golf.
130
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:30,564
You're special
at screaming really loud.
131
00:05:30,597 --> 00:05:32,365
Hey, olivia, uh, don't‐‐
don't worry about it.
132
00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:34,000
There's still
another hole left,
133
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,802
And that is
the only hole that matters.
134
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:39,139
Whoever wins that one
wins the whole game.
What are you talking about?
135
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:42,375
Just go tee up.
136
00:05:42,408 --> 00:05:44,010
Nicely handled, ted.
137
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:47,380
Hey, we have the galaxy omega
project coming up.
138
00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:49,816
I think it could benefit
from your people skills.
139
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:52,352
Boy, i‐‐i'd love to be
part of galaxy omega.
140
00:05:52,385 --> 00:05:54,588
It's gonna change the way
we communicate with animals,
141
00:05:54,621 --> 00:05:56,590
Which, up until now,
has been talking to them,
142
00:05:56,623 --> 00:05:58,592
Getting frustrated with them
and then eating them.
143
00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:02,763
Come by my office,
and we'll talk about it.
144
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,397
(Chet) hit it, honey.
145
00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:06,600
Honey?
Hey, I have a fun idea.
146
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:08,602
Why don't you let olivia win?
147
00:06:08,635 --> 00:06:11,204
Th‐there's nothing more fun
than losing on purpose.
148
00:06:11,237 --> 00:06:13,439
What's happened to you?
149
00:06:13,473 --> 00:06:14,941
(Sighs)
150
00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:17,110
Great.
Instead of working on
151
00:06:17,143 --> 00:06:19,445
The company's most exciting
project, I'll get canned.
152
00:06:19,479 --> 00:06:21,615
God forbid she loses
at miniature golf.
153
00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:23,750
Olivia sank it in two,
ted.
154
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:25,786
Heaven help us all.
155
00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:36,096
I'm just thinking about rose.
She would hate nigeria.
156
00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:37,898
You know what they say‐‐
it's not just the heat,
157
00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:39,900
It's the driving around
in the trunk of a car,
158
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:42,803
Not knowing
if you're gonna live or die.
159
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:44,470
Where's my ball?
160
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:47,608
Where's... My... Ball?
161
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:50,310
It flew into the bushes.
162
00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:52,045
Flew or was kicked?
163
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:54,114
Okay, you know how
I pretend not to see
164
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:56,116
When you hide your peas
under your mashed potatoes?
165
00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:57,751
Can you just cut me
a little of that?
166
00:07:03,323 --> 00:07:04,891
Guys, I really appreciate
this loan.
167
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,960
Now I can get my car fixed
168
00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:08,895
And stop commuting with
muttonchop joe, who‐‐
169
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,430
Big surprise‐‐
is the president
170
00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:11,397
Of the virginity club
at his church.
171
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,099
Hey, since we're
such good friends,
172
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,235
How would you like to join us
this weekend
173
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,604
For a little adventure we call
"bowling and nachos."
174
00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:21,808
We go bowling
and we order nachos...
My, that is an adventure‐‐
175
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:24,010
But we don't eat
the nachos.
No, we do not.
176
00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:26,780
We bring them back to the lab
and analyze the cheese sauce
177
00:07:26,813 --> 00:07:28,982
To determine how much of it
is actual cheese.
178
00:07:29,015 --> 00:07:31,752
If one of us bowls a higher
score than the percentage
of cheese,
179
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,587
Then we get blasted.
Oh!
180
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:36,322
I do like bowling and I love
gettingblasted,
181
00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:38,491
But I can't.
I have to work.
(Buzz)
182
00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:40,527
What's that?
Just something we invented
that buzzes.
183
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:42,996
(Buzz)
hey, we can't all be
thomas edison.
184
00:07:43,029 --> 00:07:44,798
But more about this work
you have to do?
185
00:07:44,831 --> 00:07:46,600
Yeah, I've got this
big report...
(Buzz)
186
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,368
That's due monday...
(Buzz)
187
00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:50,203
So I gotta work on it
all weekend.
(Buzz)
188
00:07:50,236 --> 00:07:52,506
That thing's
really annoying.
189
00:07:52,539 --> 00:07:55,942
Well, I'm certainly glad
you're taking our money, linda.
190
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,844
God, I'm pathetic.
191
00:07:59,345 --> 00:08:00,681
I didn't feel good about
192
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:02,549
Sabotaging my daughter
at mini‐golf.
193
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,618
I made it up to her.
194
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:06,953
Although, I'm not super proud
of how I did that, either.
195
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,189
(Slurping)
196
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:12,192
Ah, mmm. Aren't these
good root beer floats?
(Slurping)
197
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:14,528
I'm sorry, honey.
Please forgive me?
198
00:08:16,563 --> 00:08:19,165
(Belches)
199
00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:23,737
Daddy!
Hi, sweetheart.
200
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:25,639
Hi. Mm.
201
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,642
How was your day?
A grind.
I don't like olivia anymore,
202
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:31,077
And now she wants me
to go to her birthday.
203
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:32,979
Well,
you don't have to go...
204
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:35,749
Unless you change your mind
because there's gonna be cake.
205
00:08:35,782 --> 00:08:39,185
And on the way, you can
sit in my lap and drive the car.
206
00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:40,587
And‐‐and I'll let you
cut daddy's hair.
207
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:42,388
I'm going to go
grab my lunchbox.
208
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:46,593
When I come back,
you try not to be weird.
209
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:48,862
Hello, ted.
Ooh, I like this place.
210
00:08:48,895 --> 00:08:51,698
It makes me feel
so tall and busty.
211
00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:53,767
Yeah, that's why I come.
212
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,570
So, uh, what are you doing
down here?
I've joined the kid mafia.
213
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:59,072
You're not the only
ass‐kissing career whore.
214
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:00,574
What are you looking at?
215
00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:03,076
I'm not gonna let chet
go over my head
216
00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:05,512
And give you
the galaxy omega project
217
00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:08,014
Just because
you have a daughter.
It really makes you crazy
218
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,684
That I might get something that
you can't have, doesn't it?
219
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:13,554
Plus, you can't join
the kid mafia without a kid.
220
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:16,089
I do have a kid.
It's my niece. We're very close.
221
00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:17,958
Hello, lucy!
Hannah.
222
00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:19,626
Everything's a fight
with you.
223
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:22,863
So did you play
with olivia today?
A little bit.
224
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:26,733
The girl I really like is rose.
Rose? Rose gets us nothing.
225
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:29,402
Teddy‐o. Veronica.
226
00:09:29,435 --> 00:09:33,139
Sometimes adding an "e‐o"
just makes a name more fun.
227
00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:35,208
Although, it doesn't work
with veronica.
228
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:38,411
Might I suggest
the veronica‐meister?
229
00:09:38,444 --> 00:09:39,780
We'll see.
230
00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:42,282
So, chet, my niece
just joined this gym,
231
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:44,284
And she's gotten
very close to olivia
232
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:47,287
And would love to
get together with her,
maybe for lunch or drinks?
233
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,756
Olivia is having a birthday
this weekend.
234
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:52,458
Maybe she'd like to
come to that.
(Veronica) we'll be there.
235
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:54,661
It'll be a perfect chance
for me to talk to you about
236
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:56,663
Why I should be in charge of
the galaxy omega project.
237
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:59,600
Rose and I will be there,
too, sir, because rose
loves olivia.
238
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:01,902
So I guess we'll both be
at your daughter's birthday.
239
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,804
Where is she registered,
sir?
240
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,842
(Ted) how do you convince
an 8‐year‐old girl
241
00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:10,744
To go to a party
she doesn't want to go to?
242
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:13,479
I have no idea,
so I thought I'd ask someone
243
00:10:13,514 --> 00:10:14,848
Who used to be
an 8‐year‐old girl.
244
00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:17,751
Get her a beautiful,
sparkly, pink party dress
245
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:20,153
And a princess tiara.
If she doesn't want it,
246
00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:21,955
I have an event coming up
I'd wear it to.
247
00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:24,691
Actually, getting rose a dress
is a good idea. Thanks, linda.
248
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:26,760
You really are a girl.
Yes, I am.
249
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:29,530
And it's not just the genitals‐‐
it's a whole lifestyle.
250
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,937
Ted?
Ted?
251
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,805
How much do you know
about your precious linda?
252
00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:41,775
Specifically, did you know
she's a huge liar?
We thought we were friends,
253
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,844
But she made up some story
about having to work
254
00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:45,879
So she could avoid hanging out
with us this weekend.
255
00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:48,782
Our self‐respect demands
a harsh response.
256
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:51,885
We're thinking about
bringing her coffee
and a bagel every morning.
257
00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:53,720
Then, when she's grown
accustomed to it,
258
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,889
We'll inexplicably stop.
259
00:10:55,922 --> 00:10:58,058
Guys, why don't you just
talk to linda?
260
00:10:58,091 --> 00:11:00,861
Tell her your feelings are hurt
and... Wait a second.
261
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:03,496
You guys stopped bringing me
a bagel and coffee
262
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,298
Two weeks ago.
You know what you did.
263
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:08,168
Maybe ted's right.
264
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:10,303
You know, maybe we should
talk to linda.
265
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,873
That is what friends do.
It's hard being friends
with girls.
266
00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:13,840
It's hard being friends
with guys.
267
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:15,909
I wish there was a third
gender‐‐
268
00:11:15,942 --> 00:11:19,546
Something with boobs
that was incapable of judgment.
269
00:11:19,580 --> 00:11:21,247
So I just wanted to
go over the plans for saturday.
270
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,349
Everybody should try
to get to my place by 8:00,
271
00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:24,718
And be prepared to stay late.
272
00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:27,554
This thing could get
kinda crazy. Oh, yeah.
273
00:11:27,588 --> 00:11:32,225
Beer, hard liquor, everything,
even strippers.
274
00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:34,227
She's having a party.
275
00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:36,730
That's why she's not
hanging out with us.
276
00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:38,865
And they're going to
wear slippers!
277
00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:40,867
Those things are so comfortable!
And she didn't invite us?
278
00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:42,435
I mean, what kind of
a friend does that?
279
00:11:42,468 --> 00:11:44,871
Let's get her
a bagel and some coffee.
280
00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:47,340
It is time to start
laying the groundwork for pain.
281
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:48,842
In three to six weeks,
282
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,377
She is not going to know
what hit her.
283
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:54,080
I don't know
if I can wait that long.
(Gasps)
284
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,749
We need another plan‐‐
285
00:11:55,782 --> 00:11:57,918
Something with more bite that
doesn't take weeks and weeks
286
00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:01,788
And often goes unnoticed.
287
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:05,125
(Children shouting indistinctly)
288
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:07,127
Hi, ted. Where's rose?
289
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:10,463
She is around here somewhere.
Oh, really?
290
00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:13,466
Because I saw you both get out
of the car, and it was just you.
291
00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:14,801
Did you drive separately?
292
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,870
Did you shrink her
and put her in your pocket?
293
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,371
Okay, I couldn't
get rose to come.
294
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,574
I figured since there'd
be a million kids here,
295
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:21,875
I could bring a present,
carry her sweater‐‐
296
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,544
Nobody would know
the difference.
297
00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:25,579
Oh, ted, I can't believe
what you're doing
298
00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:29,049
To get the galaxy omega project.
It's all so sad and desperate.
299
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:32,052
Can I have some more tokens?
Of course, hannah.
300
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:35,288
What? That's my niece's name,
isn't it?
301
00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:37,123
Yes, but that's not
your niece.
Yes, it is.
302
00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:40,627
(Repeating) no, it's not.
(Repeating) yes, it is.
303
00:12:40,661 --> 00:12:41,895
(Continues)
304
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,764
We could do this all night.
Yes, it is.
305
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:46,432
Sweetheart, what's your name?
Do you want me to call somebody?
306
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,935
All right, I borrowed
my neighbor's kid.
307
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:52,906
Here are some more tokens.
Go be nice to the birthday girl.
308
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:55,275
My sister pulled the plug
on hannah
309
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:57,010
When she found out
I was using her for my career.
310
00:12:57,043 --> 00:12:59,445
She thought I'd developed
a genuine interest in the child.
311
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:01,782
What really hurts in all this
312
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:04,651
Is how little
my own sister knows me.
And you called me desperate?
313
00:13:04,685 --> 00:13:06,687
Veronica, you are never
gonna pull this off.
314
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:09,289
Th‐that girl is‐‐
is at least two years older.
315
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,357
She's taller.
Her eyes are a different color.
316
00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:13,093
She's a different human being.
317
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,861
You're just
freakishly observant.
318
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:17,197
Unless it's a big‐ticket item
like race
319
00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:19,833
Or not being a sweater,
no one's gonna notice.
320
00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:22,669
Veronica, there's something odd
about your niece.
321
00:13:22,703 --> 00:13:26,707
She doesn't look quite right.
322
00:13:26,740 --> 00:13:28,709
Hey‐o!
323
00:13:28,742 --> 00:13:31,344
(Laughs) you see that?
I put a hat on her face.
324
00:13:31,377 --> 00:13:32,946
Hats don't belong there.
325
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:35,716
Inspired lunacy, sir.
326
00:13:35,749 --> 00:13:37,651
Hey,
I'm glad you both made it.
327
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:40,854
That weasel bob simmons said
he and his daughter were coming,
328
00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:44,525
And they didn't even show up.
What kind of a man does that?
329
00:13:44,558 --> 00:13:46,126
A villain, sir.
330
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,394
He should be forced
to carry an orangutan to term.
331
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:49,996
Now where's rose?
332
00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:52,398
Olivia's been asking for her
since we got here.
333
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:55,669
Uh, rose is, uh...
Buried in the ball pit.
334
00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:59,706
You saw her, didn't you?
You and your real niece?
335
00:13:59,740 --> 00:14:01,207
Yes, we did.
336
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:03,143
For now.
337
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,079
Good. So my daughter's here.
Veronica's real niece is here.
338
00:14:06,112 --> 00:14:07,948
Everything is as it should be.
339
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:17,658
(Woman) lying‐‐
it's always wrong.
340
00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:20,226
But sometimes
companies have to say things
341
00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:22,028
That aren't 100% true.
342
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:24,030
Is that wrong?
343
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:26,399
No.
344
00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:29,035
When companies aren't truthful,
it's not because we're bad.
345
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:31,872
It's because we understand
things that you don't...
346
00:14:46,252 --> 00:14:47,921
This is it.
347
00:14:47,954 --> 00:14:50,090
This is where linda
and her beautiful friends
348
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:53,226
Are having a party‐‐
a party which we shall destroy
349
00:14:53,259 --> 00:14:56,262
With our uncomfortable,
silent anger.
350
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:57,964
Now what's the plan?
351
00:14:57,998 --> 00:15:00,033
Get drunk‐‐done.
Right.
352
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:02,869
Walk ten miles from the bar
to linda's place‐‐done.
353
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,871
Get chased by a homeless guy
with a stick,
354
00:15:04,905 --> 00:15:06,807
Which we didn't plan,
but... Done.
355
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:10,443
Keep down the tequila, which is
coming back up on me... Done.
356
00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:13,046
Mom, dad, father todd‐‐
357
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:15,048
I'm grateful we could
all be here tonight
358
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:16,983
To save
my beautiful brother justin,
359
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:19,653
Justin, your drinking
has affected me
360
00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:22,155
In the following ways‐‐
yazoo, bitches!
361
00:15:22,188 --> 00:15:25,091
You're busted,
our little liar friend.
362
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:28,729
You're not at work.
You're having a party.
This is so not a party.
363
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:32,065
Oh, come on. Peanuts,
people crying, a priest?
364
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:34,000
That's a party, baby.
365
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:36,136
Yeah, stripper priest.
Take it off, father sexy!
Ooh!
366
00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:40,306
You idiots, we're having
an intervention.
367
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:44,010
Ohh.
Ohh.
368
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:47,748
The next time you talk to god,
could you not mention this?
369
00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:50,183
Here, we're done drinking
for tonight.
370
00:15:50,216 --> 00:15:52,986
Just keep it away
from the alcoholic.
371
00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:02,996
Working on galaxy omega
would be so exciting,
372
00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:04,931
Being able to communicate
with animals.
373
00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:08,034
I've always wanted to tell
a giraffe how stupid it looks.
374
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:10,036
I've always wanted
to ask a baboon
375
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:12,105
Why they're called baboons.
376
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:15,642
It's such a ridiculous name.
Baboon.
377
00:16:15,676 --> 00:16:17,711
And‐‐and there may be
other applications
378
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:20,647
Beyond insulting animals, like
learning about the environment.
379
00:16:20,681 --> 00:16:22,482
Ugh, don't we have enough humans
complaining about that?
380
00:16:22,516 --> 00:16:24,518
Now I have to listen
to some hippie bear
381
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:27,621
Whining that I'm eating
all his salmon.
I can't find rose.
382
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:30,123
I've looked everywhere.
Nobody's seen her.
383
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:33,226
Well, I'm sure
she's somewhere.
Maybe she's been murdered.
384
00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:35,696
Oh, my god. She hasn't
been murdered. Stop that.
385
00:16:35,729 --> 00:16:38,832
I'm sure she hasn't
been murdered, honey.
Your father's right.
386
00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:41,234
Rose has not been murdered.
Could we stop talking
387
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:43,069
About my daughter being
or not being murdered?
388
00:16:43,103 --> 00:16:46,072
All this talk of murdering rose
has got me spooked.
389
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:47,874
And you don't even know
where she is.
390
00:16:47,908 --> 00:16:50,076
I'm calling security.
No, no. Don't do that.
391
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:54,480
What kind of a father are you?
She's missing, ted.
392
00:16:54,515 --> 00:16:57,718
You. You.
I need another diet cola.
393
00:16:57,751 --> 00:16:59,820
Oh, and this one's daughter
is missing.
394
00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,087
We think she's been murdered.
395
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:03,056
What?!
We do not think that.
396
00:17:03,089 --> 00:17:06,693
(Amplified voice) attention,
we have a missing child.
397
00:17:06,727 --> 00:17:08,562
Repeat, there is
a child missing.
398
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:11,097
Parents, locate your children
immediately.
399
00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:13,199
(Children screaming)
400
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:16,402
I'm an off‐duty police officer.
Can I help?
401
00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:18,772
Rose has been murdered.
What?!
402
00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:21,675
No, nobody's been murdered.
Okay, i‐i didn't bring her.
403
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,677
I lied.
404
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:26,179
Rose didn't wanna come.
405
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:29,282
For some reason,
she doesn't like olivia.
406
00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:33,086
Ted, how could you do this,
lying to me and chet like that?
407
00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:36,089
Oh, give me a break.
That's not even your niece.
What?
408
00:17:36,122 --> 00:17:39,292
Hannah, how could you do this,
lying to me and chet like that?
409
00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:47,868
(Ted) the next day,
things were a little tense
410
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,269
Between me and veronica.
411
00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:51,271
So we recalibrated
the lie detector
412
00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:54,941
So not even veronica
will be able to fool it.
Or any sociopath.
413
00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:58,278
Not that I think
you're a sociopath.
414
00:17:58,311 --> 00:18:00,080
(Buzzes)
shut up!
415
00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:03,584
Well, let's try it.
Because ted sold me out to chet,
416
00:18:03,617 --> 00:18:05,919
I'm missing out on veridian's
most exciting project
417
00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:07,888
Since that pill
that makes people shop,
418
00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:09,455
And I'm fine with that.
(Buzz)
419
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,391
And I'm glad that last night
at the first sign
420
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:14,995
Of trouble with chet, veronica
kicked me in the chet‐sticles.
(Buzz)
421
00:18:15,028 --> 00:18:16,229
It's weird
when beautiful people fight.
422
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,431
It's like watching
the hope diamond
423
00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:22,168
Yell at a sunset.
I realized recently,
I don't mind anger as much
424
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:26,472
When it's not directed at me.
Yazoo, bitches.
425
00:18:26,507 --> 00:18:28,174
Oh, I'm sorry.
426
00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,343
Am I busting in on something
I wasn't invited to?
427
00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:33,647
Upsetting people? Giving liquor
to my alcoholic brother?
428
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,315
Making my mother
cry so hard
429
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:37,918
That she threw up
on "father sexy"?
430
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:40,153
We apologized for that
last night.
431
00:18:40,186 --> 00:18:41,855
Perhaps you didn't hear us
432
00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:44,190
Because we were running away
as fast as we could.
433
00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:46,159
Huh, going to a party
where you don't belong.
434
00:18:46,192 --> 00:18:48,595
Why does that sound familiar?
Because that's what you did
435
00:18:48,629 --> 00:18:50,864
When you showed up to
a child's party without a child.
436
00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:52,533
You know what the problem is,
veronica?
437
00:18:52,566 --> 00:18:54,267
You can't stand that I might
get a big project
438
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,002
That you're not a part of,
439
00:18:56,036 --> 00:18:58,104
So you wanna horn in on it.
(Scoffs) that's not true!
440
00:18:58,138 --> 00:19:01,808
(Buzz)
and you guys can't stand that
I have an alcoholic brother.
441
00:19:01,842 --> 00:19:03,777
No, that can't be right.
442
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,279
Why did you guys crash my
brother's intervention anyway?
443
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:09,282
We thought you were having
a party and didn't invite us
444
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:11,652
Even though you said
we were friends.
We were friends.
445
00:19:11,685 --> 00:19:13,453
Although after what you did
last night,
446
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:16,022
I don't know if I want to be
friends with you anymore.
(Buzz)
447
00:19:16,056 --> 00:19:19,225
Aww!
Aww! She still wants
to be our friend,
448
00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:21,194
Even after all we did.
That's a real friendship,
449
00:19:21,227 --> 00:19:24,731
Because what we did
was appalling.
450
00:19:24,765 --> 00:19:27,167
Come here.
Mm.
451
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,235
Thanks to you, my whole family
is mad at me.
452
00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:33,073
The last thing I need right now
is a hug from you guys.
(Buzz)
453
00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:34,407
Aww!
Aww!
454
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,309
Let's go hug her.
455
00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:37,377
Okay...
456
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:39,546
It's just you,
me and the machine.
457
00:19:39,580 --> 00:19:42,215
So admit it.
You don't want me to move up
458
00:19:42,248 --> 00:19:44,217
And have success
at this company.
459
00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:47,420
Of course I want that
for you.
460
00:19:47,453 --> 00:19:50,323
Well, this makes it harder
to advance my argument.
461
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:53,760
It's the truth, ted.
It's just...
462
00:19:53,794 --> 00:19:56,429
If you join the kid mafia,
pretty soon you're gonna
463
00:19:56,462 --> 00:19:58,331
Be hanging out with them
all the time,
464
00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:00,601
And then when I need you,
you're not gonna be around,
465
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:03,570
And... Well, you know...
466
00:20:03,604 --> 00:20:05,839
You'd miss me?
467
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:06,940
No!
468
00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:09,075
(Buzz)
469
00:20:09,109 --> 00:20:11,678
And that's as much
as you're gonna get.
470
00:20:11,712 --> 00:20:13,947
Well, I'll take it.
471
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,282
And whatever happens, I will
always not be there for you.
472
00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:19,285
(Buzz)
because our friendship
means nothing to me.
473
00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:20,687
(Buzz)
474
00:20:20,721 --> 00:20:23,557
And that's as much
as you're gonna get.
475
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:25,759
Hey‐o.
476
00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:28,695
Guess who's covered in tiny,
8‐year‐old, fist‐sized bruises.
477
00:20:28,729 --> 00:20:30,697
This guy.
478
00:20:30,731 --> 00:20:35,068
So I've decided you both need
a little more punishment.
479
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:39,405
Well, at least chet didn't
send us off to nigeria.
480
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:43,376
Don't talk. When you exhale,
I can feel it on my face.
Ah, you're just mad
481
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:45,979
Because I sneezed
in your mouth a minute ago.
482
00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:47,981
Isn't it nice
you don't have to miss me?
483
00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:58,424
This cheese sauce...
(Computer dings)
484
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:00,961
Is only 42% cheese.
And since you bowled a 62,
485
00:21:00,994 --> 00:21:03,630
According to the north american
rules of bowling and nachos,
486
00:21:03,664 --> 00:21:06,600
We all get to drink.
(Laughs) but first, we dance!
487
00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:08,001
(Wylde bunch)
♪ everybody in the house ♪
488
00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:09,803
♪ If you're ready to party ♪
489
00:21:09,836 --> 00:21:12,172
♪ Let me hear y'all say,
"oh! Oh! Oh!" ♪
490
00:21:12,205 --> 00:21:14,307
♪ Yeah! Yeah! ♪
491
00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:16,610
♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! ♪
492
00:21:16,643 --> 00:21:18,444
♪ Stomp the bleachers ♪
493
00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:21,347
♪ Stomp, stomp,
stomp, stomp, stomp ♪
494
00:21:21,381 --> 00:21:23,283
♪ Let's stomp the bleachers ♪
♪ oh ♪
40093
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