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??
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Deborah Sampson dressed
as a man to fight
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in the Revolutionary War.
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(Laughs)
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What the fuck?
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I'm talking to America!
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The Nazis didn't know that Rose
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is like the dopest spy.
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She's like, I'ma... I'ma tell er'body.
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(Laughs)
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Wait, hold up, I'm toasted.
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Clara Barton was like,
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? Watch out everybody ?
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? 'Cause the Union is coming ?
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? Fucking a suck a dick ?
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(Laughs)
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(Patriotic music)
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= synced and corrected by Shahrazade =
... www.addic7ed.com ...
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(Vocalizing)
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All right, you gonna make me a drink?
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I like your bar.
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Oh, wow.
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- Prepared ice.
- (Stammers)
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- Thank you.
- "Prepared ice"?
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What's not "prepared ice"?
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Water.
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There you go.
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(Both laugh)
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Hello, I'm Paget Brewster,
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and today we will be
discussing Deborah Sampson,
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the first woman to take
a bullet for America.
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Cheers.
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Okay. In Plympton, Massachusetts
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Deborah Sampson becomes
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an indentured servant
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to Jeremiah Thomas.
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Lucky for her,
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Jeremiah was a fierce patriot
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and taught her how to do everything
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that other girls weren't being taught.
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And so she grows up to
be an incredible badass.
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So she's thinking, What
the fuck am I gonna be?
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I want adventure.
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I want to serve my country.
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So, I think... I think I want...
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yeah, I wanna fight in
the Revolutionary War.
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So, she sews a men's outfit.
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She's like, I'm gonna make
trousers... or britches...
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trouser britches and a waistcoat
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- and a...
- What's a waistcoat?
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Waistcoat, I think is a...
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vest... coat?
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Just a waste.
54
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- What?
- It's just a waste.
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(Scoffs) You're...
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- Hmm?
- You're approaching dad humor,
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but you're not a dad.
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How do you know?
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Oh!
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Do you have a "bebe"?
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(Laughs)
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Okay, so she sews everything up,
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cuts her hair off.
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She also has to take gauze
and strap her boobs down.
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Was she like, Oh, my gauze?
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- What?
- Was she like, Oh, my gauze?
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Oh, my gauze.
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(Sighs deeply) Holy sh...
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I'm just embracing my fatherhood.
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- But, uh...
- (Laughs)
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So, Deborah Sampson
looks at this young man
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and says, my name's Robert.
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Robert Shirtliff.
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And they accept her...
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him...
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into George Washington's Army.
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Wow.
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And she develops
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an incredible reputation.
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All the other soldiers are saying,
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holy shit, this Robert Shirtliff,
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he's a fucking badass.
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He's right out in front.
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He's the fastest runner in the Army.
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But at Terrytown,
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in the middle of the Revolutionary War,
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Robert... Deborah, is
fighting the British
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and out of the blue, blam-o!
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She gets shot in the thigh
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with a musket ball.
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What the fuck?
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Deborah Sampson is
historically the first woman
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to take a bullet for America.
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The other soldiers
are like, Dude, Bobby,
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Bobby Shirtliff, you okay?
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But she has to keep her identity safe.
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So she's like...
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(Groans)
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Yup, got this, got this.
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I'm good.
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You're cool. I'm cool.
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(Coughs)
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That voice is hard.
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- Okay.
- (Laughs)
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Oh!
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This is where it gets crazy.
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She slinks off to the woods
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like, fuck this.
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I cannot go to the hospital.
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I cannot let anyone find
out that I'm a woman.
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So, she takes out a penknife,
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jams it into her thigh,
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(groans) shit!
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Gotta dig out this musket ball.
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Digs it out, she's like, well, shit,
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I can sew.
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Sews it up and says, America...
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I care about you so much.
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Ugh, fuck, I'm gonna cry.
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I don't wanna cry.
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Let it out, you can cry.
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What the fuck?
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I'm talking to America!
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(Laughs)
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Okay, unfortunately,
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Deborah gets fucking crazy fever sick.
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Like...
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(Mumbles)
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Can't bu... bur... bah!
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Passed out, fever, fucked up.
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She's hospitalized.
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The one thing she's
been trying to avoid.
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00:05:07,226 --> 00:05:11,096
So, Dr. Barnabas Binney is like,
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00:05:11,197 --> 00:05:12,798
Okay, here's the soldier.
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Kinda a badass soldier.
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All right, I'll see what's wrong.
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Takes off Robert Shirtliff's clothing.
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What?
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There's...
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like... binding on the chest.
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Maybe there's something
wrong there here.
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Cuts it open, boobs!
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And he... goes ohh...
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uh...
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okay.
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Uh, it's so crazy how it seems so easy
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when you're so... ber
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to tell a story.
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Mm-hmm.
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Wait, where was I?
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Wait! I know!
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So, he takes care of her
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- for seven months.
- _
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And she says, thank you
for taking care of me.
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If there's anything I can
do to repay your kindness,
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00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:02,248
please let me know.
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00:06:02,349 --> 00:06:06,084
And he says, actually,
will you do me a favor
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00:06:06,185 --> 00:06:10,255
and take a letter to my
friend General John Paterson?
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So, she delivers the letter
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to John Paterson.
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General says, thank you...
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young lady.
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He reads this letter and
looks at her and says,
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Private... Robert Shirtliff.
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(Dramatic music)
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Are you... a woman...
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pretending to be a man...
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to be a soldier?
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00:06:37,418 --> 00:06:40,321
And she says, General, I-I...
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I only lied because I
wanted to serve my country.
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Please don't send me to jail.
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00:06:46,459 --> 00:06:50,428
And he says, young lady,
I think what you've done
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is better and braver and stronger
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than so many men
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and I'm gonna give you a dishonorable...
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I'm gonna give you... sorry.
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I'm gonna give you an
honorable discharge.
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And then Paul Revere...
the fucking superstar
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of the American Revolution... is like,
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I'm a big American hero,
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but I think you're the shit, babe.
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(Uplifting music)
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It's incredible that
more than 200 years ago,
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this woman wanted to make a difference,
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so she becomes this crossdressing,
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bullet-digging badass
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who fought her balls off...
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L-O-L.
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No pun intended.
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Hm, who's the dad joke now?
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??
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(Laughs)
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(Deep voice) Stay tuned.
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00:07:43,784 --> 00:07:46,017
(Soft voice) For more "Drunk History."
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(Sighing)
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That's my girl.
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00:07:49,724 --> 00:07:51,392
??
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00:07:51,759 --> 00:07:52,630
??
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00:07:52,660 --> 00:07:53,958
Back in the day when I used to date
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drug dealers and gang bangers,
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I make a dude color and
if you stay in the lines,
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- you know what I'm saying?
- That's... (Laughs)
203
00:08:00,277 --> 00:08:02,440
You know, one of 'em hit me up from jail
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00:08:02,470 --> 00:08:04,642
and he was like, you know,
my most happiest memory
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of being free is when you
invite me to your place
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00:08:08,074 --> 00:08:09,240
and I thought I was gonna hit it,
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and I'm coloring in this book.
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I had this coloring book.
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(Both laughing)
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The whole messed up thing about it is,
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I never did get to hit it.
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00:08:16,065 --> 00:08:18,265
I was like, 'cause you was
outside the lines, homie.
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00:08:18,368 --> 00:08:20,775
- (Laughs)
- Outside the lines.
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00:08:20,805 --> 00:08:21,710
Hi.
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00:08:21,740 --> 00:08:23,073
Hello.
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00:08:23,173 --> 00:08:24,616
(Laughs)
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I'm Tiffany Haddish, and
today we're gonna talk about
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Rose Valland.
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00:08:31,637 --> 00:08:33,182
(Slurps)
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00:08:33,212 --> 00:08:34,951
? She ready ?
221
00:08:35,051 --> 00:08:38,453
So, it's France, October 1940.
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00:08:38,556 --> 00:08:42,257
Rose Valland, the assistant curator
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00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:44,426
with the Jeu de Paume Museum,
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00:08:44,528 --> 00:08:46,696
she's like, you know what I know?
225
00:08:46,797 --> 00:08:47,963
Art.
226
00:08:48,064 --> 00:08:49,465
Then all of a sudden there, boom.
227
00:08:49,567 --> 00:08:50,867
Nazis everywhere.
228
00:08:50,968 --> 00:08:54,202
They took over the museum
like, this our spot!
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00:08:54,303 --> 00:08:55,938
This where we 'gon be at!
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00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:56,877
Ayy!
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00:08:56,907 --> 00:08:58,673
(Laughs) She's like, oh, shoot,
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00:08:58,775 --> 00:09:00,742
it's Germans everywhere.
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00:09:00,843 --> 00:09:04,044
And what they doing is,
robbing the French Jews
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00:09:04,148 --> 00:09:06,884
and now they storing all
this stolen art up in there.
235
00:09:06,984 --> 00:09:08,597
And you know why? You know why?
236
00:09:08,627 --> 00:09:10,480
- Hm.
- Do you know why? Let me tell you why.
237
00:09:10,510 --> 00:09:13,487
Because Hitler
was like a proclaimed artist
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00:09:13,590 --> 00:09:15,624
and he tried to get into this school.
239
00:09:15,726 --> 00:09:19,360
He was denied because he
couldn't stay in the lines.
240
00:09:19,463 --> 00:09:20,234
Uh-oh.
241
00:09:20,264 --> 00:09:21,464
He told his boys,
242
00:09:21,566 --> 00:09:24,867
y'all go out there and
y'all get all the artwork.
243
00:09:24,967 --> 00:09:28,202
Now, if it's German art, it's good,
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00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:32,175
but if it ain't German
art, burn that shit up.
245
00:09:32,274 --> 00:09:34,143
'Cause Hitler was mad
'cause he didn't to get in
246
00:09:34,245 --> 00:09:36,046
to the university.
247
00:09:36,145 --> 00:09:38,451
'Cause you mad you didn't
get to get in to school.
248
00:09:38,481 --> 00:09:40,287
My pussy wet. Don't worry about it.
249
00:09:40,317 --> 00:09:41,149
(Laughs)
250
00:09:41,250 --> 00:09:42,556
But, Rose is like,
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00:09:42,586 --> 00:09:43,968
the dopest spy.
252
00:09:43,998 --> 00:09:45,114
They up there talking...
253
00:09:45,144 --> 00:09:48,457
(Imitates German)
254
00:09:48,558 --> 00:09:50,025
They didn't know she spoke German.
255
00:09:50,055 --> 00:09:51,505
She like this, hmm.
256
00:09:52,314 --> 00:09:55,197
Taking notes. Taking
notes. Taking notes.
257
00:09:55,298 --> 00:09:56,104
Okay?
258
00:09:56,134 --> 00:09:57,533
So, uh...
259
00:09:57,634 --> 00:09:59,634
different people that
worked under Hitler
260
00:09:59,736 --> 00:10:01,807
would show up to the museum often.
261
00:10:01,837 --> 00:10:03,109
Like his main man.
262
00:10:03,139 --> 00:10:05,774
His name was Hermann Goring, right?
263
00:10:05,875 --> 00:10:08,176
Now, Hermann, you know, he so ratchet.
264
00:10:08,206 --> 00:10:09,546
- (Laughs)
- He like, gimme.
265
00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:10,649
That's the best!
266
00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:11,685
Run me that!
267
00:10:11,715 --> 00:10:12,652
Run me that right there.
268
00:10:12,682 --> 00:10:14,451
Ooh, that's nice.
269
00:10:14,501 --> 00:10:16,407
Hey, hey, hey, give
me something to drink.
270
00:10:16,437 --> 00:10:17,776
Bring me some champagne up in here
271
00:10:17,806 --> 00:10:19,910
while I'm in here picking the best art.
272
00:10:19,940 --> 00:10:20,944
And Rose would be like...
273
00:10:20,974 --> 00:10:21,820
(In French accent) I don't know why
274
00:10:21,850 --> 00:10:23,576
these fuckers are here.
275
00:10:23,676 --> 00:10:25,010
He's so lazy.
276
00:10:25,113 --> 00:10:26,248
(Normal) Why you even wanna tell me
277
00:10:26,278 --> 00:10:27,250
where you stole it from?
278
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:28,819
Do you know who I am?
279
00:10:28,849 --> 00:10:31,823
I'ma... I'ma... I'ma tell er'body.
280
00:10:31,853 --> 00:10:33,886
She go get the wine and Hermann be like,
281
00:10:33,916 --> 00:10:35,654
Oh... (Slurps)
282
00:10:35,684 --> 00:10:37,361
Magnifique! This is a...
283
00:10:37,391 --> 00:10:38,753
Oh, no, wait, no. He was German.
284
00:10:38,783 --> 00:10:40,257
He be like... (Slurps)
285
00:10:40,287 --> 00:10:42,099
(Imitates German) Delicious!
286
00:10:42,129 --> 00:10:43,666
- (Laughs)
- Right? You know.
287
00:10:43,696 --> 00:10:45,032
(Laughs) Wait, hold up.
288
00:10:45,062 --> 00:10:46,162
I'm toasted.
289
00:10:46,333 --> 00:10:47,565
I'm sorry.
290
00:10:47,667 --> 00:10:48,473
How you feel?
291
00:10:48,503 --> 00:10:50,790
I feel... fantastic.
292
00:10:51,238 --> 00:10:52,337
(Laughs)
293
00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:54,012
Anyways, they would load
294
00:10:54,042 --> 00:10:56,075
these pieces of art up on the train.
295
00:10:56,176 --> 00:10:58,614
The Nazis was putting a lot of stuff
296
00:10:58,644 --> 00:11:00,580
down in these deep, dark caves.
297
00:11:00,681 --> 00:11:02,681
You hiding stuff in caves?
298
00:11:02,711 --> 00:11:05,450
You hiding... freaking...
299
00:11:05,551 --> 00:11:09,053
van Goghs in a coal mine?
300
00:11:09,156 --> 00:11:11,089
That's disrespectful.
301
00:11:11,191 --> 00:11:14,626
And Rose would be like,
I'ma memorize this.
302
00:11:14,728 --> 00:11:18,564
I'm "memorinizing" all of it.
303
00:11:18,666 --> 00:11:20,477
Sounding ghetto as hell.
304
00:11:20,507 --> 00:11:22,334
(Both laughing)
305
00:11:22,435 --> 00:11:23,439
Did you know I was Jewish?
306
00:11:23,469 --> 00:11:24,907
I didn't until tonight.
307
00:11:24,937 --> 00:11:26,377
'Cause my father's Jewish,
308
00:11:26,407 --> 00:11:27,712
but my mama's a Jehovah's Witness.
309
00:11:27,742 --> 00:11:29,247
So I'm a JewJo.
310
00:11:29,277 --> 00:11:31,777
(Both laugh)
311
00:11:31,879 --> 00:11:36,182
So, uh, it's December 1944,
312
00:11:36,282 --> 00:11:38,515
James Rorimer shows up
313
00:11:38,618 --> 00:11:40,123
trying to holla at Rose.
314
00:11:40,153 --> 00:11:42,721
Rose, I know you know everything.
315
00:11:42,823 --> 00:11:44,435
I need you to get me all the information
316
00:11:44,465 --> 00:11:45,599
that you have.
317
00:11:45,629 --> 00:11:48,127
Where are all the treasures.
318
00:11:48,229 --> 00:11:51,363
She's like, I don't know you like that.
319
00:11:51,464 --> 00:11:52,514
Who is you?
320
00:11:52,632 --> 00:11:54,237
He's like, I'm James Rorimer.
321
00:11:54,267 --> 00:11:56,073
I'm with the Monuments Men.
322
00:11:56,103 --> 00:11:59,776
Now this was a collection
of men and womens
323
00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:04,475
who went out to save the
existence of their culture.
324
00:12:04,578 --> 00:12:06,112
Rose, she was dope.
325
00:12:06,213 --> 00:12:07,480
She was like, boom.
326
00:12:07,581 --> 00:12:09,085
I got these addresses right here.
327
00:12:09,115 --> 00:12:10,221
Check this out.
328
00:12:10,251 --> 00:12:11,588
They would stop trains,
329
00:12:11,618 --> 00:12:13,791
they would go to salt mines,
330
00:12:13,821 --> 00:12:15,892
they was knocking...
knocking people out.
331
00:12:15,922 --> 00:12:17,862
Some people died, some people lived,
332
00:12:17,892 --> 00:12:19,729
but the art was saved.
333
00:12:19,759 --> 00:12:25,464
She saved like over
60,000 pieces of culture.
334
00:12:25,566 --> 00:12:26,603
She's a heroine.
335
00:12:26,633 --> 00:12:28,267
(Epic music)
336
00:12:28,368 --> 00:12:33,638
And then finally Rose is like,
go to Hermann Goring's house.
337
00:12:33,739 --> 00:12:35,541
Sent him over there, boom.
338
00:12:35,642 --> 00:12:38,577
$200 million worth
339
00:12:38,677 --> 00:12:43,681
of treasures, culture, art.
340
00:12:43,711 --> 00:12:45,183
She hooked that up,
341
00:12:45,285 --> 00:12:47,618
and Hermann Goring was
pissed as hell at her.
342
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,187
Like, I can't believe
she snitched on me!
343
00:12:50,290 --> 00:12:51,594
And when she was bringing me all these
344
00:12:51,624 --> 00:12:53,690
glasses of champagne.
345
00:12:53,793 --> 00:12:56,293
And then Rose does the Nay Nay.
346
00:12:56,396 --> 00:12:57,659
Eh!
347
00:12:57,907 --> 00:12:59,765
(Laughs)
348
00:12:59,868 --> 00:13:01,570
But he couldn't do nothing about it,
349
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,969
'cause now he a prisoner of war.
350
00:13:05,071 --> 00:13:06,706
And Hitler killed himself...
351
00:13:06,806 --> 00:13:08,507
they say.
352
00:13:08,609 --> 00:13:10,381
I think he hanging out with Tupac.
353
00:13:10,411 --> 00:13:11,661
(Hip-hop music)
354
00:13:12,347 --> 00:13:15,349
(Laughing)
355
00:13:17,146 --> 00:13:18,916
(Both laughing)
356
00:13:19,020 --> 00:13:20,219
??
357
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:22,154
(Laughs)
358
00:13:22,254 --> 00:13:23,254
??
359
00:13:24,224 --> 00:13:25,390
??
360
00:13:25,491 --> 00:13:27,058
? You don't own me ?
361
00:13:27,159 --> 00:13:28,560
(Gasps)
362
00:13:28,663 --> 00:13:29,928
- What?
- You know what?
363
00:13:29,958 --> 00:13:31,698
Every time you fucking sing a song,
364
00:13:31,798 --> 00:13:35,266
I realize we are the exact same person.
365
00:13:35,370 --> 00:13:37,639
You try to act like
you're some white dude,
366
00:13:37,669 --> 00:13:38,865
- but you're not.
- I'm not white.
367
00:13:38,895 --> 00:13:40,326
You're some fucking black lady
368
00:13:40,356 --> 00:13:42,078
from fucking Omaha, Nebraska.
369
00:13:42,108 --> 00:13:43,373
We are the same person.
370
00:13:43,403 --> 00:13:44,578
(Laughs)
371
00:13:44,608 --> 00:13:47,079
Hey, everyone, my name is Amber Ruffin
372
00:13:47,181 --> 00:13:49,281
and I'm gonna talk to you today about
373
00:13:49,383 --> 00:13:53,236
the Angel of the
Battlefield, Clara Barton.
374
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:54,266
(Laughs)
375
00:13:54,854 --> 00:13:56,721
Okay, our story begins
376
00:13:56,824 --> 00:13:58,392
during the Civil War.
377
00:13:58,493 --> 00:14:01,861
It's got fucking fatalities,
fucking people are...
378
00:14:01,963 --> 00:14:02,715
(Gasps)
379
00:14:02,745 --> 00:14:04,292
- (Whispers) I'm cussing so bad.
- (Whispers) It's okay.
380
00:14:04,322 --> 00:14:05,225
(Whispers) Okay.
381
00:14:05,255 --> 00:14:10,402
So, the Union Army's
surgeon, Dr. James Dunn,
382
00:14:10,503 --> 00:14:14,138
was like, hey, dudes,
this is some bullshit.
383
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:17,508
We are low on antiseptic,
384
00:14:17,612 --> 00:14:19,778
we are low on bandages.
385
00:14:19,879 --> 00:14:21,913
We do not have the supplies
386
00:14:22,014 --> 00:14:26,864
to handle the amount of bloodshed.
387
00:14:29,647 --> 00:14:30,623
(Laughs)
388
00:14:30,653 --> 00:14:31,653
Okay.
389
00:14:31,959 --> 00:14:35,159
Meanwhile, a teacher, Clara Barton,
390
00:14:35,262 --> 00:14:38,597
is like, I will worry
about the soldiers...
391
00:14:38,698 --> 00:14:40,632
of the Union Army.
392
00:14:40,734 --> 00:14:43,669
Hello, government,
393
00:14:43,770 --> 00:14:46,037
we need more medical supplies.
394
00:14:46,139 --> 00:14:49,240
Can you help me help
your fucking soldiers?
395
00:14:49,343 --> 00:14:50,608
And the government is like,
396
00:14:50,710 --> 00:14:51,710
Uh...
397
00:14:53,613 --> 00:14:54,613
blahh...
398
00:14:56,684 --> 00:14:57,783
No.
399
00:14:57,883 --> 00:14:59,804
- (Laughs)
- And she's like, you know what?
400
00:14:59,834 --> 00:15:03,288
Your bitch ass needs to
fucking come correct.
401
00:15:03,391 --> 00:15:05,058
They're like, we will not come fucking
402
00:15:05,157 --> 00:15:07,491
com... come correct. (Laughs)
403
00:15:07,521 --> 00:15:08,926
- (Liquid sloshes)
- Oh, no!
404
00:15:08,956 --> 00:15:10,562
I spilled it!
405
00:15:10,663 --> 00:15:11,700
I'm sorry I'm yelling.
406
00:15:11,730 --> 00:15:12,875
Oh, my gosh!
407
00:15:12,905 --> 00:15:15,465
I'm also sorry for being sorry
'cause who does that help?
408
00:15:15,495 --> 00:15:16,901
No one!
409
00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:18,035
(Screams)
410
00:15:18,065 --> 00:15:19,715
- (Laughs)
- Okay, so,
411
00:15:19,773 --> 00:15:23,142
she asks The Ladies' Aid Society...
412
00:15:23,353 --> 00:15:27,493
Send me medical supplies
and I will bring them to...
413
00:15:27,523 --> 00:15:29,652
the fuckin' front lines.
414
00:15:29,682 --> 00:15:33,283
Meanwhile, in Sharpsburg, Maryland,
415
00:15:33,386 --> 00:15:35,786
fucking the Confederate General
416
00:15:35,888 --> 00:15:37,355
Robert E. Lee was like,
417
00:15:37,456 --> 00:15:43,193
it is September 17th, 1862.
418
00:15:43,296 --> 00:15:45,729
And that's when the
Battle of Antietam began.
419
00:15:45,831 --> 00:15:47,964
The Battle of Antietam!
420
00:15:48,067 --> 00:15:50,535
Ba-ba-boom!
421
00:15:51,478 --> 00:15:52,772
(Laughs)
422
00:15:52,873 --> 00:15:54,306
The Battle of Antietam was
423
00:15:54,407 --> 00:15:56,346
the bloodiest single-day battle
424
00:15:56,376 --> 00:15:57,814
in American history.
425
00:15:57,844 --> 00:16:02,012
So, James Dunn is like, we
are grossly underprepared.
426
00:16:02,115 --> 00:16:04,817
And it's at that exact moment
427
00:16:04,917 --> 00:16:07,150
that in bursts Clara Barton
428
00:16:07,253 --> 00:16:09,888
with a train of wagons
429
00:16:09,989 --> 00:16:12,758
filled with supplies and she's like,
430
00:16:12,858 --> 00:16:16,359
? Watch out, everybody,
'cause the Union is coming ?
431
00:16:16,461 --> 00:16:17,962
? Fucking suck a dick ?
432
00:16:18,064 --> 00:16:19,130
(Laughs)
433
00:16:19,232 --> 00:16:20,933
You're welcome, everybody.
434
00:16:21,035 --> 00:16:23,201
I brought yo ass everything you need.
435
00:16:23,302 --> 00:16:26,337
Dr. James Dunn is like,
I need antiseptic.
436
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:28,174
She's like, I got that shit.
437
00:16:28,273 --> 00:16:30,142
He's like, do you have bandages?
438
00:16:30,244 --> 00:16:33,512
She's like, yeah, bitch, I got bandages.
439
00:16:33,613 --> 00:16:35,848
He's like, what we need
is fucking normal shit
440
00:16:35,949 --> 00:16:37,987
like socks and food.
441
00:16:38,017 --> 00:16:40,017
And she's like, you know what?
442
00:16:41,887 --> 00:16:43,458
Abracadabra, bitch.
443
00:16:43,488 --> 00:16:46,791
And he's like, Oh, my God, you are
444
00:16:46,895 --> 00:16:49,428
the Angel of the Battlefield.
445
00:16:49,528 --> 00:16:50,895
Thank you, thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.
446
00:16:50,997 --> 00:16:54,632
She's like, stop thanking
me, I have work to do.
447
00:16:54,733 --> 00:16:58,468
She starts working on wounded soldiers
448
00:16:58,571 --> 00:17:00,537
with no experience whatsoever.
449
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:05,377
And at that moment, a
bullet pierces her sleeve
450
00:17:05,478 --> 00:17:08,314
and she's like, do you
see this shit, dude?
451
00:17:08,416 --> 00:17:10,482
And the guy is like,
452
00:17:10,583 --> 00:17:13,351
I don't see that shit 'cause I'm dead.
453
00:17:13,454 --> 00:17:16,156
'Cause the bullet that
pierced her sleeve,
454
00:17:16,256 --> 00:17:19,124
killed the very guy she was saving.
455
00:17:19,224 --> 00:17:21,259
So she's like, this sucks,
456
00:17:21,361 --> 00:17:23,494
but I am going to move
on to the next thing.
457
00:17:23,597 --> 00:17:25,763
And move on to the next thing she does!
458
00:17:25,793 --> 00:17:26,632
(Laughs)
459
00:17:26,733 --> 00:17:28,433
And at the end of the day,
460
00:17:28,535 --> 00:17:31,571
uh, Dr. James Dunn is sitting by himself
461
00:17:31,601 --> 00:17:32,971
in a dark barn.
462
00:17:33,071 --> 00:17:34,540
Clara Barton is like,
463
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,873
Dr. Dunn, what the fuck are you doing?
464
00:17:36,976 --> 00:17:40,277
He's like, I am depressed.
465
00:17:40,380 --> 00:17:43,516
Night has fallen, I can't see shit.
466
00:17:43,617 --> 00:17:46,585
Hundreds of soldiers will die.
467
00:17:46,615 --> 00:17:49,790
Clara Barton is like,
Bitch, don't you know?
468
00:17:49,889 --> 00:17:51,094
She grabs him by the hand,
469
00:17:51,124 --> 00:17:52,796
she takes him to another barn...
470
00:17:52,826 --> 00:17:57,730
(Uplifting music)
471
00:17:57,831 --> 00:18:03,002
And this barn is lit with lanterns.
472
00:18:03,032 --> 00:18:04,107
She's like, you think
473
00:18:04,137 --> 00:18:06,108
I fucking brought yo ass socks,
474
00:18:06,138 --> 00:18:08,511
but I didn't bring you lanterns
475
00:18:08,541 --> 00:18:11,109
to fucking light your surgeries?
476
00:18:11,210 --> 00:18:13,177
The fuck is wrong with you?
477
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,714
And he's like, I love you so much.
478
00:18:15,816 --> 00:18:19,017
You are truly the Angel
of the Battlefield.
479
00:18:19,118 --> 00:18:20,351
Clara Barton is like,
480
00:18:20,454 --> 00:18:23,055
you done called me that already.
481
00:18:23,156 --> 00:18:25,957
Fucking come up with some new shit.
482
00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:27,060
(Belches)
483
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,098
She doesn't burp.
484
00:18:29,128 --> 00:18:30,428
But I wish she did...
485
00:18:30,529 --> 00:18:32,626
so that I could also burp.
486
00:18:33,934 --> 00:18:38,037
She's like, Amber, if you feel
like burping, you can burp.
487
00:18:38,137 --> 00:18:41,045
And I'm like, I'm
drunker than you think.
488
00:18:41,075 --> 00:18:43,246
And she's like, you are very drunk.
489
00:18:43,276 --> 00:18:46,044
And I'm like, I am.
490
00:18:46,145 --> 00:18:47,245
(Both laugh)
491
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:49,294
??
492
00:18:49,324 --> 00:18:51,150
(Whispers) Derek, I'm so drunk.
493
00:18:51,251 --> 00:18:52,121
(Whispers) You're all good.
494
00:18:52,151 --> 00:18:54,252
I need you to say it's okay.
495
00:18:54,355 --> 00:18:55,253
It's okay.
496
00:18:55,355 --> 00:18:57,057
Okay, so...
497
00:18:57,156 --> 00:18:58,590
it's the end of the war,
498
00:18:58,691 --> 00:19:01,125
and everyone is like, Clara Barton,
499
00:19:01,228 --> 00:19:02,928
you rule,
500
00:19:03,029 --> 00:19:06,999
and someone special
wants to meet with you...
501
00:19:07,101 --> 00:19:10,137
President Abraham Lincoln!
502
00:19:10,237 --> 00:19:12,236
(Laughs)
503
00:19:12,337 --> 00:19:14,471
And President Lincoln is like,
504
00:19:14,575 --> 00:19:16,814
Clara Barton, you did such a good job
505
00:19:16,844 --> 00:19:18,149
at the Battle of Antietam,
506
00:19:18,179 --> 00:19:22,571
you need to be the head
of the oc... office...
507
00:19:22,601 --> 00:19:27,018
offices... the occif... the office.
508
00:19:27,048 --> 00:19:28,875
Lincoln is drunk,
509
00:19:28,905 --> 00:19:31,038
but what he means is...
510
00:19:31,140 --> 00:19:32,641
Clara Barton, you need to be
511
00:19:32,742 --> 00:19:35,210
the head of
512
00:19:35,311 --> 00:19:38,446
the office of
513
00:19:38,549 --> 00:19:40,730
missing soldiers.
514
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,051
She's like, I will.
515
00:19:43,153 --> 00:19:44,907
I super will.
516
00:19:44,937 --> 00:19:50,292
And so she finds over 22,000 soldiers.
517
00:19:50,393 --> 00:19:55,063
President Lincoln is
like, bitch is on fire.
518
00:19:55,166 --> 00:19:58,301
And then, they kiss.
519
00:19:58,400 --> 00:19:59,941
Just kidding, they never kissed.
520
00:19:59,971 --> 00:20:01,475
- (Laughs)
- Um...
521
00:20:01,505 --> 00:20:03,377
and then 1878,
522
00:20:03,407 --> 00:20:06,280
Clara Barton started
the American chapter
523
00:20:06,310 --> 00:20:07,979
of the Red Cross.
524
00:20:08,009 --> 00:20:10,550
Clara Barton is like, I am the founder
525
00:20:10,580 --> 00:20:12,180
of the American Red Cross.
526
00:20:12,281 --> 00:20:15,883
Plus, I'm the angel of the battlefield.
527
00:20:15,913 --> 00:20:20,155
I fucking changed America itself.
528
00:20:20,255 --> 00:20:21,756
I win.
529
00:20:21,858 --> 00:20:24,427
And everyone is like, you do win.
530
00:20:24,529 --> 00:20:26,153
(Rousing music)
531
00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:27,527
The end.
532
00:20:27,629 --> 00:20:28,629
(Sighs)
533
00:20:30,192 --> 00:20:31,666
(Laughs)
534
00:20:32,234 --> 00:20:33,468
That was great.
535
00:20:33,570 --> 00:20:34,608
(Clicks tongue)
536
00:20:34,638 --> 00:20:36,205
Fucking thanks, Clara.
537
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:38,875
Do you want some water real quick?
538
00:20:38,974 --> 00:20:41,348
No. Water's for pussies.
539
00:20:41,378 --> 00:20:42,779
(Laughs)
540
00:20:42,878 --> 00:20:44,799
??
541
00:20:49,711 --> 00:20:57,676
= synced and corrected by Shahrazade =
... www.addic7ed.com ...
542
00:20:59,549 --> 00:21:01,262
??
543
00:21:01,364 --> 00:21:02,964
I just want to say...
544
00:21:03,257 --> 00:21:06,405
to America, thank you very much
545
00:21:06,435 --> 00:21:07,559
for watching "Drunk History"
546
00:21:07,589 --> 00:21:10,673
and taking it as serious as I do.
547
00:21:10,703 --> 00:21:13,021
(Laughs)
548
00:21:14,611 --> 00:21:15,733
- (Laughs)
- What?
549
00:21:15,783 --> 00:21:20,333
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