All language subtitles for The Monkeys Uncle English SPA

[The Beach Boys'
The Monkey's Uncle]

* UH-HUH, SHE LOVES
THE MONKEY'S UNCLE, YEAH, YEAH *

* SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE,
WHOA, WHOA *

* SHE LOVES
THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *

* AND THE MONKEY'S UNCLE'S
APE FOR ME *

* WELL, I DON'T CARE
WHAT THE WHOLE WORLD THINKS *

* SHE LOVES
THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *

* CALL US A COUPLE
OF MISSING LINKS *

* SHE LOVES
THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *

* LOVE ALL
HIS MONKEYSHINES *
* WHOO OOH OOH

* EVERY DAY IS VALENTINE'S

* I LOVE THE MONKEY'S UNCLE

* AND THE MONKEY'S UNCLE'S
APE FOR ME *

* APE FOR ME

* UH-HUH, SHE LOVES
THE MONKEY'S UNCLE, YEAH, YEAH *

* SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE,
WHOA, WHOA *

* SHE LOVES
THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *

* AND THE MONKEY'S UNCLE'S
APE FOR ME *

* WE KISS AND MY HEART
JUMPS LIKE A CLOWN *

(Beach Boys)
THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *

* FEELS LIKE THE CIRCUS
JUST CAME TO TOWN *

* SHE LOVES
THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *

* I'D LIVE
IN A JUNGLE GYM *
* WHOO OOH OOH

* IN ORDER
TO BE WITH HIM *

* I LOVE THE MONKEY'S UNCLE

* AND I WISH
I WERE THE MONKEY'S AUNT *

* MONKEY'S AUNT

[guitar solo]

* WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA *

* ON THE DAY
HE MARRIES ME *

* WHAT A NUTTY FAMILY TREE

* A BRIDE

* A GROOM, A CHIMPANZEE

(Jennifer)
HE'S THE BOOBY PRIZE *

* SHE LOVES
THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *

* HE'S THE GUY I IDOLIZE

* SHE LOVES
THE MONKEY'S UNCLE *

* LOVE ALL
HIS MONKEYSHINES *
* WHOO OOH OOH

* EVERY DAY IS VALENTINE'S

* I LOVE THE MONKEY'S UNCLE

* AND THE MONKEY'S UNCLE'S
APE FOR ME *

* APE FOR ME

* UH-HUH, SHE LOVES
THE MONKEY'S UNCLE, YEAH, YEAH *

* SHE LOVES THE MONKEY'S UNCLE,
WHOA, WHOA *

* I LOVE THE MONKEY'S UNCLE

* AND I'M MAD
ABOUT HIS CHIMPANZEE *

[applause]

YOUR NAME
IS MERLIN JONES,

AND YOU'RE A STUDENT
AT MIDVALE COLLEGE.

YES, YOUR HONOR.

MR. JONES, YOU REALIZE

THIS IS A MOST UNUSUAL
ADOPTION PETITION.

YES, YOUR HONOR, I DO.

IN THE FIRST PLACE,
YOU DON'T HAVE

THE WRITTEN CONSENT
OF THE NATURAL PARENTS.

WELL, I-I CAN'T GET
THAT, SIR.

ARE THEY ALIVE?

THEY MAY BE. IF THEY ARE,
THEY'RE SOMEWHERE IN AFRICA.

AND IN THE SECOND PLACE,

[chuckling]
WELL, YOU, THE ADOPTING PARENT,

A-ARE AN UNMARRIED MALE.

THAT'S CORRECT, SIR.

AND IN THE THIRD PLACE,

THERE'S, UH, NO PRECEDENT
FOR ADOPTING A CHIMPANZEE.

I KNOW THAT,
YOUR HONOR.

(Judge Holmsby)
TELL ME, WHY ARE YOU SO ANXIOUS
TO ADOPT THIS CHIMPANZEE?

TO GIVE HIM THE ADVANTAGES
OF A GOOD HOME.

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE
TO ADOPT HIM

TO GIVE HIM A NICE CLEAN CAGE

AND A BUNCH OF BANANAS.

[laughter]
YOUR HONOR, I WANT STANLEY
TO HAVE MORE THAN THAT.

I WANT HIM TO HAVE
A STIMULATING ENVIRONMENT.

I WANT HIM TO HAVE A CHANCE

TO REALIZE HIS FULL
INTELLECTUAL POSSIBILITIES.

YES, I REMEMBER.

UH, YOU BELIEVE THAT CHIMPS

CAN BE TRAINED TO THINK
LIKE HUMANS.

YES, SIR.

I BELIEVE THAT STANLEY
CAN BE TAUGHT TO WORK AND THINK

ON A COLLEGE-STUDENT LEVEL.

WELL, THAT
SEEMS REASONABLE.

I KNOW COLLEGE STUDENTS

WHO WORK AND THINK
ON A CHIMPANZEE LEVEL.

[laughter]

(Merlin)
YES, SIR.

AND IF STANLEY HAD LEGAL
STATUS, HE'D BE PROTECTED.

PEOPLE COULDN'T BE COMPLAINING
OR PHONING THE POLICE

ABOUT HIM LIVING IN THE HOUSE
AND THINGS LIKE THAT.

WILL THE YOUNG LADY
WHO TESTIFIED

AS A CHARACTER WITNESS
FOR MR. JONES

PLEASE COME FORWARD?

YOU TESTIFIED THAT MERLIN JONES
IS OF GOOD CHARACTER

AND IS A SOBER
AND INDUSTRIOUS CITIZEN.

YES, SIR, HE IS.

DO YOU BELIEVE

THAT HE WILL GIVE STANLEY
EVERY CARE AND AFFECTION?

OH, MERLIN
IS VERY AFFECTIONATE.

[laughter]
OH.

I MEAN,
HE'S VERY RESPONSIBLE,

AND I'M SURE HE'LL SEE

THAT STANLEY GETS
LOTS OF CARE AND AFFECTION.

THANK YOU.

UH, MR. JONES, UH...

AFTER DUE CONSIDERATION
OF THIS MATTER,

I HAVE REACHED MY DECISION.

UH, THE PETITION
FOR FORMAL ADOPTION AS PRESENTED

IS HEREWITH DENIED.

HOWEVER, IT IS NOT NOW,
NOR EVER,

THE INTENTION OF THIS COURT

TO STIFLE THE ACADEMIC FREEDOM
OF THIS COMMUNITY.

MR. JONES, TO PROVIDE YOU
WITH THE PROPER STATUS

WITHIN WHICH
STANLEY'S MENTAL CAPACITIES

MAY BE BROUGHT
TO FULL FLOWER,

I AM PERSUADED
THAT SOME FORM

OF CONDITIONAL GUARDIANSHIP
MAY BE IN ORDER.

SO, HENCEFORTH,
YOU WILL BE REGARDED

IN THE EYES OF THIS COURT

AND ARE SO APPOINTED
AS THE MONKEY'S UNCLE.

OH, THANK YOU, SIR!

BUT HE'S NOT A MONKEY, SIR.
HE'S A CHIMP.

OH, YES, YES,
OF COURSE, A CHIMP.

[chattering]

[laughter]

UH, ORDER!
ORDER IN THE COURT!

[laughter continues]

OH, UH, BAILIFF,
NEXT PETITION, PLEASE.

UH...

OH, STANLEY.
YOU'RE CIVILIZED NOW, STANLEY,

WHICH MEANS
THAT THERE'S MORE TO LIFE

THAN JUST EATING AND SLEEPING
AND WATCHING WESTERNS.

[channel changes]

THERE, THAT'S BEETHOVEN'S
FIFTH SYMPHONY.

IT'S A LOT BETTER THAN COWBOYS
AND INDIANS, ISN'T IT?

[Beethoven's
Symphony No. 5]

*

[yawns]

[uptempo music]

*

NO, STANLEY,

THE IDEA IS TO EXPOSE YOU
TO INTELLECTUAL INFLUENCES.

[channel changes]

THAT'S BETTER, ISN'T IT?

[Beethoven's
Symphony No. 5]

YOU TIRED, SON?

OF COURSE YOU ARE.
IT'S LATE.

COME ON, STANLEY,
IT'S BEDTIME.

*

THERE YOU GO.

IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY
FOR YOU, HASN'T IT?

[TV turns off]

NO, STANLEY,
YOU'RE FORGETTING SOMETHING.

WE BRUSH OUR TEETH
BEFORE WE GO TO BED.

THAT'S A GOOD BOY,
STANLEY.

ALL RIGHT, STANLEY.

NOW, YOU SEE,
THIS IS YOUR TOOTHBRUSH.

THE OTHER ONE'S MINE.

FIRST THING WE DO IS SQUEEZE OUT
THE TOOTHPASTE ON THE BRUSH,

LIKE THIS.

AND THEN
WE BRUSH OUR TEETH.

NOW, OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

THAT'S GOOD.
NOW, WE BRUSH UP AND DOWN.

UP AND DOWN,
YOU SEE?

THAT'S A GOOD BOY.

THAT'S VERY GOOD, STANLEY,
UP AND DOWN.

[doorbell rings]

THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR.
YOU KEEP BRUSHING YOUR TEETH.

[chattering]

JENNIFER.

WHY DO YOU LOOK
SO SURPRISED?

YOU'RE TAKING ME
TO A MOVIE, REMEMBER?

BUT I-I MADE THAT DATE
BEFORE I BECAME STANLEY'S UNCLE.

WELL, THAT DOESN'T MEAN
WE CAN'T GO OUT ANYMORE.

[chattering]

BUT, JENNIFER, YOU HEARD
WHAT JUDGE HOLMSBY SAID.

I HAVE TO GIVE STANLEY
CARE AND AFFECTION.

THE MOST DEVOTED PARENTS
IN THE WORLD

GET BABYSITTERS
AND GO OUT OCCASIONALLY.

LEAVE STANLEY WITH A SITTER?
I COULDN'T DO THAT.

THERE'S LOTS OF GIRLS AT SCHOOL
WHO DO SITTING,

AND THEY'RE
VERY COMPETENT.

I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'LL DO.

I'LL PUT STANLEY TO BED,

AND THEN WE CAN GO OUT
IN THE YARD AND TALK.

MERLIN, STOP FUSSING.

YOU TAKE A BEAST FRESH OUT
OF THE JUNGLE, AND YOU--

JEN.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

PLEASE DON'T EVER USE
THAT WORD AROUND STANLEY.

WHAT WORD, JUNGLE?

[whispering]
SHH! HE MIGHT HEAR YOU.

MERLIN, YOU'RE BEING
ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS

ABOUT THAT CHIMP.

RIDICULOUS, AM I?

JUST LET ME SHOW YOU
THE PROGRESS HE'S MADE.

[Stanley
chattering loudly]
OH!

[chattering continues]

PROGRESS?

WELL, NOW, HERE'S
A NICE GLASS OF WATER

IN CASE YOU GET THIRSTY.

AND IN CASE
YOU GET HUNGRY--

MERLIN,
YOU'RE SPOILING HIM.

JEN, PLEASE, LET'S NOT QUARREL
IN FRONT OF HIM.

UNCLE MERLIN IS TREATING STANLEY
LIKE A LITTLE BABY, ISN'T HE?

[chattering softly]
BUT STANLEY'S REALLY
A BIG, GROWN-UP BOY.

PUT THESE
ON HIS HEAD.

ONE HERE AND ONE HERE
AND ONE HERE.

CURLERS?

STANLEY,
ISN'T THIS EXCITING?

TOMORROW MORNING
WHEN YOU WAKE UP,

YOU'LL BE THE ONLY
CURLY-TOP CHIMP IN THE WORLD.

THAT'S NOT
THE IDEA AT ALL.

I'M PREPARING HIM
FOR A LITTLE SLEEP LEARNING.

SLEEP LEARNING?

YOU MEAN WHERE THEY PUT WHAT YOU
HAVE TO LEARN ON A RECORD,

AND YOU LET IT PLAY ALL NIGHT
WHILE YOU'RE ASLEEP,

AND THE NEXT MORNING
YOU KNOW IT?

UH-UH, THAT'S
THE OLD SLEEP LEARNING.

I'VE GOT A NEW IDEA.

YOU SEE, I BYPASS
THE EAR ENTIRELY,

AND BY BONE CONDUCTION, I PIPE
IT THROUGH THE LEARNING CENTERS

IN THE TEMPORAL LOBES
AND THE PRECENTRAL GYRUS

DIRECT INTO HIS UNCONSCIOUS.

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL,
STANLEY?

I'VE RECORDED THESE RECORDS
FOR HIM TO LEARN.

12 EASY LESSONS
IN CIVILIZATION.

HE'LL HAVE A LOT
OF STUDYING TO DO.

THIS TIMER WILL START THE RECORD
AS SOON AS HE'S ASLEEP.

THEN HE'LL BEGIN TO LEARN
THE MANY SIMPLE LITTLE THINGS

THAT ADD UP
TO BEING CIVILIZED.

THINGS YOU AND I DO
WITHOUT EVEN THINKING OF THEM.

GOOD NIGHT, STANLEY.

GOOD NIGHT.

AND GOOD LUCK.

[chattering]

[Merlin on record player]
WHEN THE ALARM CLOCK RINGS,
TURN IT OFF,

GET OUT OF BED,

TURN ON THE COFFEE,

PUT OUT THE CAT,

TAKE A SHOWER
AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH.

NOW WAKE ME UP.

[ticking]

[alarm ringing]

(Merlin)
WHEN THE ALARM CLOCK RINGS,
TURN IT OFF.

GET OUT OF BED.

TURN ON THE COFFEE.

[chattering]

(Merlin's voice)
PUT OUT THE CAT.

[meows]

(Merlin)
TAKE A SHOWER
AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH.

[screaming]

[chattering]

[water running]

[door opens]

[chattering]

(Merlin)
NOW WAKE ME UP.

[chattering]

[chattering loudly]

(Merlin)
WAKE ME UP.

WAKE ME UP.

[chattering]

(Merlin)
WAKE ME UP.

[chattering loudly]
[spits]

YOU DID IT, STANLEY.
YOU DID IT.

YOU CARRIED OUT
YOUR ASSIGNMENTS.

GOOD BOY!
[laughs]

YOU'LL BE THE SMARTEST CHIMP
IN MIDVALE, HUH?

AREN'T YOU, STANLEY?
SMARTEST CHIMP IN MIDVALE.

[laughing]

SORRY, I'M LATE,
GENTLEMEN.

THAT'S QUITE
ALL RIGHT, JUDGE.

MR. DEARBORNE
HAS BEEN TELLING US ONCE AGAIN

ABOUT OUR
TROUBLESOME PROBLEM--

STUDENTS CHEATING
ON EXAMINATIONS.

PARTICULARLY
FOOTBALL PLAYERS.

ALL RIGHT, DEARBORNE, WE KNOW
YOU DON'T APPROVE OF FOOTBALL.

I HAVE, THEREFORE,
ASKED PROFESSOR SHATTUCK

TO GIVE US A REPORT
ON THE SUBJECT.

PROFESSOR SHATTUCK

SPECIALIZES IN CHEATING
ON EXAMINATIONS.

[clearing throat,
grumbling]

I MEAN, PROFESSOR SHATTUCK
IS AN EXPERT

ON THE SUBJECT
OF CHEATING ON EXAMS.

[chuckles]
PROFESSOR.

I, UH, WOULD LIKE TO ASSURE
MR. DEARBORNE

THAT EVERY TIME A STUDENT

DEVELOPS
A NEW METHOD OF CHEATING,

A NEW TECHNIQUE OF CRIBBING,

OUR SECURITY CORPS WILL DEVELOP
A NEW DEFENSE AGAINST IT.

WE'VE COME A LONG WAY

SINCE HUGO DRIBBLE WAS EXPELLED
FROM MIDVALE, MR. DEARBORNE.

REMEMBER HUGO?

HE WAS IN OUR CLASS--
A GREAT HALFBACK.

HE WAS GREAT AT STEALING
THE SIGNALS OF THE OTHER TEAM.

DRIBBLE USED THE CLASSIC
AND SOMEWHAT OUTDATED METHOD

OF WRITING THE INFORMATION
HE NEEDED ON HIS CUFFS.

HE WAS CAUGHT IN THE ACT
BY AN INSTRUCTOR

WHO SNEAKED UP ON HIM
WEARING TENNIS SHOES.

WAS HUGO REELECTED TO THE SENATE
AGAIN THIS YEAR?

YOU KNOW, DEARBORNE,
HE'S PRESIDENTIAL TIMBER.

ELMER TEPPET'S
CONTRIBUTION

WAS A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH
IN THE FIELD OF CRIBBING.

NOW, HERE WE HAVE...

A PEN AND INK
MADE OF VEGETABLE COLORING

AND ORDINARY CHEWING GUM.

TEPPET WROTE
THE INFORMATION HE NEEDED

ON THE STICK OF GUM

AND PLACED IT ON HIS DESK
DURING THE EXAMS.

WHEN THE INSTRUCTOR
BECAME SUSPICIOUS

AND APPROACHED
TO INVESTIGATE,

TEPPET MERELY DESTROYED
THE EVIDENCE.

A RESOURCEFUL FELLOW.

THEY DON'T MAKE QUARTERBACKS
LIKE HIM ANYMORE.

IT TOOK THREE YEARS
TO CATCH UP WITH ELMER TEPPET,

BUT WE FINALLY DID IT.

HE WAS EXPELLED--

JUST BEFORE THE BIG GAME
WITH RANDALL.

YOU HAVE
A VERY GOOD MEMORY, JUDGE.

WE CERTAINLY MISSED HIM.
LOST 42-0 THAT YEAR.

IN CONCLUSION,
GENTLEMEN,

LET ME ASSURE YOU

THAT AS NEW SUPER CRIBS
ARE DEVELOPED,

WE WILL CREATE SUPER TECHNIQUES
FOR DETECTING THEM.

THANK YOU.

I PROPOSE

WE ABOLISH FOOTBALL
AT MIDVALE COLLEGE.

OH, NO, NOT THAT AGAIN.

EVERY TIME
WE HAVE A PROBLEM,

YOUR SOLUTION IS TO ABOLISH
THE FOOTBALL TEAM.

FOOTBALL IS THE ROOT
OF ALL COLLEGE EVIL.

OH, YOU ONLY SAY THAT BECAUSE
YOU COULDN'T MAKE THE TEAM

WHEN YOU AND I
WERE STUDENTS HERE.

AND YOU ONLY DEFEND FOOTBALL
BECAUSE YOU WERE ON THE TEAM.

FOOTBALL IS AN IMPORTANT PART
OF COLLEGE LIFE.

NOT ONLY
FOR THE PLAYERS,

BUT FOR THE ENTIRE
STUDENT BODY.

JUDGE HOLMSBY, ARE YOU IN FAVOR
OF CHEATING ON COLLEGE EXAMS?

NO, OF COURSE NOT,

BUT YOU CAN'T BLAME FOOTBALL
FOR THAT.

GETTING GRADES IS ONLY PART
OF ACQUIRING AN EDUCATION,

UNLESS YOUR IDEA
OF AN EDUCATION

IS TO TURN OUT
MEMORY MACHINES.

I PREFER THE MEN AND WOMEN
WHO CAN THINK.

I MADE A MOTION TO ABOLISH
FOOTBALL ON THIS CAMPUS.

AND I OPPOSE IT
STRENUOUSLY.

[all shouting
over each other]
GENTLEMEN!

GENTLEMEN!

LET US NOT LOSE
OUR TEMPERS.

I REALLY DO NOT THINK,
AT THIS STAGE,

IT IS NECESSARY
TO DO ANYTHING

AS DRASTIC
AS ABOLISHING FOOTBALL.

HOWEVER, I PROMISE YOU,
MR. DEARBORNE,

THAT PROFESSOR SHATTUCK

AND HIS SECURITY CORPS

WILL BE
PARTICULARLY VIGILANT

DURING THE COMING
EXAMINATION,

AND ESPECIALLY WATCH
FOR THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS.

[doorbell rings]

GOOD EVENING, JUDGE.
OH, HAYWOOD,
I'M GLAD YOU COULD COME.

WELL, WHAT'S
THE TROUBLE?

A CRISIS, HAYWOOD,
AN ABSOLUTE CRISIS.

OH, JUDGE,
THIS IS NORMAN AND LEON.

UH, JUDGE IS ONE
OF OUR GREATEST MU MU ALUMNI

AND A VERY AVID
FOOTBALL FAN.

YES, I'VE SEEN
YOU FELLAS PLAY, OF COURSE.

I ONLY HOPE THAT I HAVEN'T SEEN
YOU PLAY FOR THE LAST TIME.

THE REGENTS HAVEN'T ABOLISHED
FOOTBALL, HAVE THEY?

NO, THEY DIDN'T GO
QUITE THAT FAR.

UH, MR. DEARBORNE TRIED,
BUT HE FAILED AGAIN.

EVERY YEAR HE TRIES
TO PENALIZE MIDVALE

FOR NOT LETTING HIM
ON THE TEAM

WHEN HE AND I WERE
UNDERGRADUATES HERE.

GEE, I DIDN'T KNOW MIDVALE
WAS THAT OLD A COLLEGE.

[clears throat]

I PLAYED FOOTBALL
FOR MIDVALE.

I DIDN'T KNOW FOOTBALL
WAS THAT OLD A GAME.

JUDGE, THE BOYS
ARE A LITTLE CONFUSSED.

ACTUALLY, THE MU MUS
STILL TALK ABOUT THE DAYS

WHEN YOU PLAYED FOOTBALL
FOR MIDVALE.

THEY DO?

THE JUDGE'S NAME
IS HOLMSBY.

[chuckles]
THEY CALLED ME
"HURRY UP" HOLMSBY.

YES, SIR,
EVERY TIME TALK

TURNS TO FOOTBALL,

THERE ARE FEW GREAT NAMES
THAT COME UP AGAIN AND AGAIN--

KNUTE ROCKNE,

JIM THORPE,

RED GRANGE,
"HURRY UP" HOLMSBY.

(Judge Holmsby)
WELL, THAT'S FINE.

THAT'S FINE, HAYWOOD.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BUT I THINK WE'D BETTER GET
DOWN TO OUR PROBLEM.

THE BOARD HAS DECIDED
TO CRACK DOWN ON EXAM CHEATING

AND TO KEEP A SPECIAL EYE

ON FOOTBALL PLAYERS
DURING THE EXAMS.

WELL, THAT MEANS
THEY ARE ABOLISHING FOOTBALL.

[chuckles]
NO, IT JUST MEANS

THAT THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS
WILL HAVE TO PASS

THEIR EXAMS HONESTLY
TO STAY ELIGIBLE.

THEY'RE ABOLISHING
FOOTBALL, JUDGE.

DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT
THERE ARE NO FOOTBALL PLAYERS

WHO CAN PASS
THEIR EXAMS HONESTLY?

NO, NO, JUDGE, MOST OF THEM
HAVE NO TROUBLE AT ALL.

BUT WHAT MAKES
THE MIDVALE TEAM?

THIS COMBO.

AND WITHOUT THEM,
THE TEAM'S WASHED UP.

WELL, THEY'LL JUST HAVE
TO STUDY HARDER.

[laughs]

THAT'S EASIER SAID
THAN DONE, JUDGE.

UH...

YEAH, I SEE
WHAT YOU MEAN.

WELL, THEN WE'LL JUST HAVE
TO FIND A WAY TO CHEAT HONESTLY.

AN HONEST WAY TO CHEAT--
IS THERE SUCH A THING?

I DON'T KNOW,
BUT WE MUST FIND OUT.

WE HAVE A VERY INGENIOUS
YOUNG MAN HERE AT MIDVALE.

AND IF APPROACHED
PROPERLY,

HE MAY PUT HIS INGENUITY
TO WORK FOR US.

JUDGE, THAT'S GREAT.
WHO IS HE?
MERLIN JONES.

MERLIN JONES!

MERLIN JONES.

I HAVE TO LOOK
FOR SOMETHING IN MY PURSE.

[laughter]

I CAN'T STAND HIM.

WHO?
DON HAYWOOD.

HE'S SUCH
A TERRIBLE SNOB.

UNLESS YOU'RE A MEMBER
OF MU MU FRATERNITY

OR SOMETHING ELSE
HE CONSIDERS SOCIALLY IMPORTANT,

HE IGNORES YOU.

HAS HE EVER
SAID HELLO TO YOU?

[chuckles]
NEVER.

HELLO, JENNIFER,
HOW ARE YOU?

HI.

MERLIN, OLD MAN,
GOOD TO SEE YOU.

WE'RE HAVING A DANCE AT
THE MU MU HOUSE SATURDAY NIGHT.

WE'D LIKE YOU
TO BE THERE.

ISN'T HE NICE?!

THAT SNOB?

WELL, A PERSON
CAN BE DISCRIMINATING

WITHOUT BEING A SNOB.

AND I HEAR THOSE MU MU DANCES
ARE REALLY MARVELOUS.

WELL, MAYBE SO,
BUT I DON'T INTEND TO FIND OUT.

MERLIN, YOU MUST GO.

WHY MUST I?
IT'D BE RUDE
IF YOU DIDN'T.

I CAN'T LEAVE STANLEY
HOME ALONE AT NIGHT

TO GO TO A MU MU DANCE.

STANLEY--IS THAT WHY
YOU DON'T WANT TO GO?

WELL, AFTER ALL,
HE'S ONLY A--

THERE'S A SITTER-SERVICE NUMBER
ON THE BULLETIN BOARD.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CALL,
AND THEY SEND

A VERY CAPABLE SITTER.

I'M SORRY, JEN, BUT I CAN'T FACE
THE IDEA OF GOING OFF

AND LEAVING STANLEY ALONE
WITH A SITTER.

NOW, TRY AND UNDERSTAND.

OH, I DO.

I REALIZE STANLEY
IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN I AM.

OH, JE--
WAIT, JEN, DON'T SAY THAT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED
OF GOING

TO ONE OF THOSE GLAMOROUS,
MARVELOUS MU MU DANCES,

BUT LOTS OF DREAMS
DON'T COME TRUE.

A-ALL RIGHT,
MAYBE WE CAN GO,

B-BUT WE WON'T STAY
TOO LATE.

OH, MERLIN, I'M SO GLAD
YOU DECIDED TO GO.

AND I'VE GOT A NEW DRESS,
AND I KNOW YOU'LL LOVE IT.

WELL, O-OKAY,
BUT--BUT WE WON'T STAY--

AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF ORDERING
THE SITTER FOR YOU.

WELL, JUST TELL HER
IT'S JUST GONNA BE FOR LIKE--

MERLIN.

HUH?

I FORGOT
WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR.

STANLEY,
I'M PROUD OF YOU.

YOU'VE MADE
TREMENDOUS PROGRESS

IN A VERY SHORT TIME.

BUT THE MAIN THING
IS YOUR CONCENTRATED STUDYING.

VERY GOOD, STANLEY.
VERY GOOD, INDEED.

YOU KNOW, STANLEY--

STANLEY, YOUR EYES LOOK
A LITTLE BLOODSHOT.

MAYBE YOU'VE BEEN STUDYING
TOO HARD.

[doorbell rings]

HI, MERLIN.
DO YOU, UH, NOTICE ANYTHING?

YEAH, STANLEY'S EYES
ARE A LITTLE BLOODSHOT.

NOT STANLEY, ME.

YOUR EYES DON'T LOOK
BLOODSHOT AT ALL.

MERLIN,
YOU'RE HOPELESS.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU
TO NOTICE MY NEW DRESS.

OH, OH, WELL, UH...

IT LOOKS
VERY COMFORTABLE.

OH, FORGET IT.
LET'S JUST GOT TO THE DANCE.

THE SITTER
ISN'T HERE YET.

I'M GETTING PRETTY NERVOUS
ABOUT TRUSTING HER WITH STANLEY.

SHE'S OBVIOUSLY UNRELIABLE,

OR SHE WOULD'VE BEEN
HERE ALREADY.

SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE
UNTIL 8:30.

WELL, IT'S EXACTLY 8:30
AND TEN SECONDS,

AND IF SHE WERE RELIABLE--

[doorbell rings]

HELLO, I'M LISA.

[breathlessly]
HI.

HI.

HI.

THIS IS MERLIN JONES,

AND I'M JENNIFER.

HELLO, JENNIFER.

I'M SORRY
I'M A LITTLE LATE.

OH, YOU'RE NOT LATE.
YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.

IN FACT,
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.

(Jennifer)
I WONDER IF IT'S FAIR

FOR LISA TO HAVE TO SIT
WITH STANLEY.

AFTER ALL, SHE IS A BABYSITTER.
STANLEY'S A CHIMP.

IT WAS YOUR IDEA
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I LOVE ANIMALS.

[laughs]

I'M SURE STANLEY
WILL LOVE YOU, TOO.

OH, HE'S ADORABLE.
AREN'T YOU, STANLEY?

WELL, STANLEY,
WHAT SHALL WE DO?

WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO SING YOU TO SLEEP?

WHO WOULDN'T?

WHEN YOU'RE READY
FOR NIGHTY-NIGHT,

I'LL SING TO YOU
UNTIL YOU FALL ASLEEP.

[chuckles]
SOUNDS WONDERFUL.

I THINK WE SHOULD GO
TO THE DANCE RIGHT NOW.

I'VE TYPED OUT
A FEW INSTRUCTIONS

ABOUT STANLEY'S FOOD
AND EVERYTHING.

THEY'RE IN THE KITCHEN.

I'M SURE LISA
CAN FIND THEM.

GOOD NIGHT, LISA.

GOOD NIGHT, STANLEY.
GOOD NIGHT, LISA.

HAVE A GOOD TIME.

[door closes]

WELL, NOW, STANLEY, WHAT BEDTIME
STORY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR?

[door opens]

IF HIS EYES
LOOK A LITTLE BLOODSHOT,

IT'S ONLY BECAUSE
HE'S BEEN STUDYING--

[laughs]

[door opens]

YOU CAN REACH ME
AT THE MU MU HOUSE,

AND DON'T HESITATE TO CALL--

[uptempo surf music]

*

MERLIN, THIS DANCE IS LIKE
A DREAM COME TRUE FOR ME.

THE MU MUS
REALLY DO THINGS RIGHT.

THEY SURE SPEND MONEY,
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.

OH, IT'S MORE THAN THAT.
THEY KNOW HOW TO SPEND IT.

AND THEY TREAT US
LIKE ROYALTY.

I WONDER
WHAT THEIR MOTIVE IS.

MERLIN,
THAT'S UNFAIR.

MAYBE.

GOOD TO SEE YOU HERE,
JENNIFER.
THANK YOU.

SANDWICH?
NO, THANKS.

YOU TOO, MERLIN.

YOU KNOW, YOU FIT HERE,
LIKE THE PAPER ON THE WALL.

SANDWICH?
THANKS.

GEE, I LIKE
YOUR DRESS.
WELL, THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, JONES, WE REALLY DO
ADMIRE YOUR TASTE IN WOMEN.

HAVE ANOTHER SANDWICH.

THANK YOU.
THEY SURE ARE GOOD.

[chuckles]

TELL ME, DID, UH, ANYONE
EVER TELL YOU

THAT YOU WERE,
UH, MU MU MATERIAL?

NO ONE.
[clicks tongue]

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
IT'S SO OBVIOUS.

WE ALL FEEL THE SAME WAY.

THAT'S WHY
WE'VE INVITED YOU HERE.

THE MU MUS ARE EXCEEDINGLY
INTERESTED IN MERLIN JONES.

MERLIN,
THAT'S WONDERFUL.

LET'S GO
IN THE TROPHY ROOM.

IT'S MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE
THERE, AND WE CAN TALK.

EXCUSE US?
OF COURSE.

MAYBE WHILE THEY'RE
IN THERE TALKING BUSINESS,

I COULD TALK YOU
INTO A DANCE.

I'D LOVE TO.
GOOD.

[slow jazz music]

SIT DOWN, MERLIN.
SIT DOWN.

WELL, THANK YOU.

NOW, THE REASON THAT WE'RE
INTERESTED IN YOU, MERLIN,

IS BECAUSE WE HAVE ALWAYS HAD
THE CREAM OF THE CAMPUS--

THE BEST ATHLETES,
THE BEST DANCERS,

THE MOST SKILLED POLITICIANS,
THE MOST POPULAR MEN IN COLLEGE.

[chuckles]
WELL, WHERE DO I FIT IN?

WE'D LIKE TO HAVE
THE BEST IN EVERYTHING,

INCLUDING SCHOLARSHIP.

WE'VE ALWAYS HAD
EIGHT OR TEN ATHLETES,

HALF A DOZEN POLITICIANS,

THREE OR FOUR
OF EACH OF THE OTHERS,

AND ONE STUDENT.
ONLY ONE?

(Norman)
WE FIGURED

ONE BRAIN IN THE CHAPTER
WAS ENOUGH.

[cough]

WELL, IN A WAY, IT MAKES IT
EVEN MORE OF AN HONOR

THAT WE'VE ASKED YOU TO BE
THE ONE BRAIN OF THE MU MUS.

YES, I GUESS
IT IS AN HONOR.

OF COURSE, THERE'S
A LITTLE RESPONSIBILITY

THAT GOES ALONG
WITH IT.

WE'LL EXPECT YOU TO HELP
OUR KEY FOOTBALL PLAYERS

PASS THEIR EXAMS, SO THEY'LL
STAY ELIGIBLE FOR THE TEAM.

SURE, I'LL BE HAPPY TO HELP THEM
STUDY ANYTIME THEY WISH.

I, UH...

I DON'T THINK YOU DIG
WHAT I'M SAYING.

IT'S NORMAN AND LEON--

THEY'RE NOT EXACTLY
THE STUDIOUS TYPES.

WHA--WHAT DO YOU
EXPECT ME TO DO?

IT WAS
JUDGE HOLMSBY'S IDEA.

HE TOLD US THAT YOU WERE
SORT OF, UH, INGENIOUS

AND THAT YOU COULD, UH...

WELL, UH,
FIX THINGS UP FOR THEM.

IF YOU MEAN CRIBBING,
NOW, THAT'S OUT,

BECAUSE CHEATING ON EXAMS IS
JUST AS DISHONEST AS STEALING.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE,
MERLIN.

THE JUDGE SAID
THAT YOU WERE SO INGENIOUS

THAT YOU COULD FIGURE OUT
AN HONEST WAY TO CHEAT.

AN HONEST WAY TO CHEAT?

SURE.
LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.

NO ONE WOULD PUT YOU AND NORMAN
IN THE RING TOGETHER

TO SLUG IT OUT
BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR.

WE COULD TRY IT.
[laughs]

BUT THEY PUT YOU
IN THE SAME CLASSROOM.

THEY GIVE YOU
THE SAME EXAMS.

IS THAT FAIR?

NO, IT ISN'T.

IN THE RING,
NORMAN'S A HEAVYWEIGHT,

AND YOU'RE
A MIDDLEWEIGHT.

IN THE CLASSROOM,
YOU'RE A HEAVYWEIGHT,

AND NORMAN'S A FLYWEIGHT.

WHAT WE'RE ASKING YOU TO DO
IS FIGHT INJUSTICE.

LOOK, I'M WILLING
TO HELP ANYONE

WHO WANTS TO STUDY
FOR HIS EXAMS.

BUT IF HE CAN'T STUDY
OR IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO STUDY,

THEN WHAT'S HE DOING
IN COLLEGE, ANYWAY?

[music continues]

HE DOESN'T HAVE A MU MU BONE
IN HIS BODY.

THEY WERE SO NICE TO YOU.

IT WOULDN'T HAVE HURT YOU
TO HELP THEM.

WELL, I DID OFFER
TO HELP THEM STUDY,

BUT THEY WANTED ME
TO CHEAT FOR THEM.

AND THAT'S AGAINST
YOUR PRINCIPLES, OF COURSE,

SO NOW YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO BE A MU MU.

WELL, DOES IT MEAN
THAT MUCH TO YOU?
YES, IT DOES.

I MEAN, A GIRL LIKES TO GO
TO A DANCE ONCE IN A WHILE,

INSTEAD OF SPENDING
EVERY NIGHT OF HER LIFE

WATCHING
SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENTS.

AND, ANYWAY, YOU SAID
THEY WANTED YOU TO INVENT

AN HONEST WAY TO CHEAT.

HOW COULD I EVER INVENT
A THING LIKE THAT?

MERLIN.

HMM?

I BELIEVE
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING

IF YOU REALLY
PUT YOUR MIND TO IT.

YOU REALLY THINK
I CAN?

I KNOW YOU CAN.

(Merlin)
BUT, JUDGE, IT WILL WORK.
I'M CERTAIN OF IT.

AND IT'S HONEST CHEATING,

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER
HOW YOU LEARN,

SO LONG
AS YOU DO LEARN.

SLEEP LEARNING?

IT'S AN APPLICATION
OF A SOUND SCIENTIFIC CONCEPT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT
EITHER.

IT WORKED WONDERS
WITH STANLEY.

YEAH, BUT STANLEY'S
AN INTELLIGENT CHIMP.

THE QUESTION IS,
WILL IT WORK WITH, UH...

THESE TWO.

(Merlin)
IN WORLD WAR II,

THEY USED IT TO TEACH
FOREIGN LANGUAGES

TO MEN WHO HAD TO LEARN THEM
IN A HURRY.

BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO LEARN
A FOREIGN LANGUAGE.

WE HAVE TO LEARN
ENGLISH.

BUT ENGLISH
IS A FOREIGN LANGUAGE.

WELL, ENGLAND'S
A FOREIGN COUNTRY, ISN'T IT?

[sighs]
YOU HAVE TO LEARN
ENGLISH LITERATURE.

(Judge Holmsby)
I'M ALL

FOR GOING AHEAD
WITH MERLIN'S IDEA.

IN THE FIRST PLACE,
WE HAVE NO ALTERNATIVE.

AND IN THE SECOND PLACE...

WELL, THERE'S
NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

I HAD JENNIFER RECORD
ALL THE INFORMATION YOU'LL NEED

FOR TOMORROW'S
ENGLISH-LIT CLASS.

I...
[chuckles]

I WAS SURE YOU'D PREFER
HER VOICE TO MINE.

WELL, YOU'RE DARN RIGHT
WE WOULD.

HEY, MERLIN, WHAT DO WE DO
WHILE THIS IS ALL GOING ON?

YOU JUST SLEEP.
HEY, NO KIDDING.
[chuckles]

IF THERE'S ONE THING
I'M GOOD AT, IT'S SLEEPING.

WELL, EVERYTHING'S SET.

GOOD NIGHT, FELLAS.
GOOD NIGHT, MERLIN.

GOOD NIGHT, MERLIN.
GOOD NIGHT.

HEY, MERLIN?
YES, NORM?

YOU SURE YOU EXPLAINED
TO ALL THE GUYS

ABOUT THESE THINGS
ON OUR HEADS?

OH, I'M SURE. THEY ALL KNOW IT'S
PART OF THE FOOTBALL EFFORT.

GOOD. I DON'T WANT
ANY TROUBLE

FROM THE WISE GUYS
AROUND HERE.

OH, SURE, SURE.
GOOD NIGHT.

(Leon)
HEY, MERLIN?

YES, LEON?

YOU THINK WE MIGHT END UP
WITH WAVY HAIR?

GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

GO TO SLEEP, WILL YOU?
GOOD NIGHT.

(Leon)
GOOD NIGHT, MERLIN.

HEY, MERLIN?

YES, NORM?

I WANT A DRINK
OF WATER.

NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE!
GOOD NIGHT!

[Jennifer on record]
THE ELIZABETHAN PERIOD

TAKES ITS NAME
FROM ELIZABETH I,

WHO WAS QUEEN OF ENGLAND
FROM 1558 TO 1603.

THE OUTSTANDING LITERARY...

FURTHERMORE, GEOFFREY CHAUCER
WAS THE FIRST ENGLISH POET

TO USE
THE IAMBIC PENTAMETER.

AND LATER ON, HE DEVELOPED
MANY COMPLICATED STANZA FORMS,

THE MOST FAMOUS OF WHICH
WAS THE SEVEN-LINE STANZA,

OR THE RHYME ROYAL.

THANK YOU, MERLIN.
THAT'S QUITE CORRECT.

NORMAN.

YES, SIR.

TELL ME WHAT WE MEAN

WHEN WE SPEAK
OF THE ELIZABETHAN PERIOD.

THE ELIZABETHAN PERIOD, SIR.

THAT'S RIGHT.

UH, WHAT IS THE SOURCE
OF ITS NAME

AND WHAT PERIOD
IT COVERS.

AND TELL US WHO SOME

OF THE OUTSTANDING LITERARY
FIGURES OF THAT ERA WERE.

[Jennifer's voice]
THE ELIZABETHAN PERIOD

TAKES ITS NAME
FROM ELIZABETH I,

WHO WAS QUEEN
OF ENGLAND

FROM 1558

TO 1603.

THE OUTSTANDING
LITERARY FIGURE

[laughter]
OF THAT TIME
WAS WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE,

WHOSE PLAYS AND SONNETS

ARE AMONG THE GREATEST GLORIES
OF ENGLISH LITERATURE.

[laughter continues]
OTHER WRITERS

WHOSE SOARING IMAGINATION
AND VERBAL FELICITY

ENRICHED THIS PERIOD

ARE BEN JONSON,
CHRISTOPER MARLOWE,

[laughter intensifies]
EDMUND SPENCER,
FRANCIS BACON,

SIR PHILIP SYDNEY,
BEAUMONT AND FLETCHER,

AND A HOST

OF DISTINGUISHED POETS,
PLAYWRIGHTS--

THAT'S ENOUGH!

BUT, JUDGE, I WASN'T TRYING
TO BE FUNNY OR ANYTHING.

IT JUST CAME OUT
THAT WAY.

MOST UNFORTUNATE.

NOW THE PROFESSOR'S
SO MAD,

THEY'LL HAVE TO GET 90 OR BETTER
ON THE EXAM JUST TO PASS.

90?

BUT THE THING IS,
THEY KNEW THE RIGHT ANSWERS.

(Judge Holmsby)
DID YOU?

EVERY WORD. IT JUST CAME OUT
IN THE WRONG VOICE.

AND ON THE WRITTEN EXAM,
THERE WON'T BE THAT PROBLEM.

BUT 90%.

BEGIN.

[beeping]

OH, MAN,
WHAT AN EXPERIENCE!

YOU READ THE QUESTION,
AND--AND POW, RIGHT THERE.

THE ANSWER'S
RIGHT THERE IN YOUR HEAD.
OH, THAT'S GREAT!

AND YOU'RE SURE
YOU GOT 90% RIGHT?

OH, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED
TO PASS THE COURSE

AND STAY ELIGIBLE
FOR FOOTBALL.

WELL, I GOT 100% RIGHT!

100%?
YEAH.

ME TOO!
I KNEW ALL THE ANSWERS!

THAT'S WONDERFUL!
MERLIN!

MERLIN, I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT WHAT YOU'VE DONE

WILL LIVE
IN MU MU HISTORY FOREVER.

[all cheering]

THE WAY I SEE IT,

THE REAL FOOTBALL HERO
OF MIDVALE IS MERLIN JONES.

[all cheering]

I DON'T MEAN TO KNOCK NORMAN
OR LEON OR ANYONE,

BUT THEY WOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE
TO PLAY FOOTBALL

IF IT WASN'T FOR MERLIN.

AND I WANT HIM TO KNOW

THAT I'VE HAD CONFIDENCE IN HIM
FROM THE START.

I KNEW HE'D COME THROUGH,
AND HE HAS!

[all cheering]

FROM NOW ON,
YOU MUST THINK OF MERLIN

AS BELONGING TO MIDVALE
AND NOT JUST TO YOU.

OH, I DON'T
REALLY MIND.

ONLY HE DOESN'T HAVE
TO ENJOY IT SO.

[telephone ringing]
EXCUSE ME.

HELLO?
OH, HI, HENRY.

QUIET, EVERYONE!
QUIET!

THIS IS IT.

THAT'S
THE ENGLISH LIT GRADES.

WE GOT A CONTACT
THAT PHONES US THE RESULTS

AS SOON AS THE PAPERS
ARE MARKED.

THAT'S GREAT.

OKAY, LET'S START
WITH LEON.

LEON, "F."
"F"?!

(all)
"F"?!

ARE YOU SURE?

WELL, WHAT ABOUT NORMAN?

NORMAN, "F"?

[all murmuring]

WHAT?! AN "F"

FOR MERLIN JONES?!

[murmuring]

NORMAN, MERLIN, AND LEON--
YES, I'LL TELL THEM.

WIPE THAT LIPSTICK
OFF YOUR FACE, STUPID.

YOU'RE WANTED IN
THE REGENTS' OFFICE IMMEDIATELY.

NOW, PROFESSOR,
WHEN DID YOU FIRST LEARN

OF THE CONSPIRACY TO CHEAT
ON THE ENGLISH LIT EXAM?

JUST A MINUTE--
THAT'S A LEADING QUESTION,

WHICH PRESUMES THE GUILT
OF THE DEFENDANTS.

NOW, THE CORRECT
LEGAL PROCEDURE--

YOU HAVE MADE YOUR OBJECTION,
JUDGE HOLMSBY,

AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN
LEGAL PROCEDURE TO ME.

OH, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE AN ATTORNEY.

I'M NOT, BUT I WATCH ALL OF
THE LAWYER SHOWS ON TELEVISION.

WELL, I SUPPOSE
THAT'S BETTER

THAN WATCHING
ALL THE DOCTOR SHOWS

AND GOING AROUND
PERFORMING OPERATIONS.

[laughs]

[both laugh]

[laughter stops]

WOULD YOU MIND LETTING
THE WITNESS ANSWER THE QUESTION?

NOT AT ALL.
HMM.

WELL, PROFESSOR?

DURING THE EXAMINATION,

THE INSTRUCTOR BECAME SUSPICIOUS
OF CERTAIN MOVEMENTS

THAT WERE BEING MADE
BY MERLIN JONES.

THE INSTRUCTOR
CONTACTED ME

IN MY PLACE
OF CONCEALMENT,

AND I PHOTOGRAPHED MR. JONES

GIVING SIGNALS
TO OTHER STUDENTS.

ARE THESE
THE PHOTOGRAPHS?

THEY ARE.
EXHIBIT "A."

WAS THERE ANY EVIDENCE TO
CONVINCE YOU OF YOUR SUSPICIONS?

THERE WAS, INDEED.

AND WHAT
WAS THAT EVIDENCE?

WHEN THE INSTRUCTOR
GRADED THE PAPERS,

HE FOUND THAT TWO OTHER STUDENTS
HAD WRITTEN ANSWERS

THAT WERE
WORD-FOR-WORD THE SAME

AS THOSE
OF MERLIN JONES.

"WORD-FOR-WORD

THE SAME AS THOSE
OF MERLIN JONES."

YOUR WITNESS.

NO QUESTIONS
AT THIS TIME.

THANK YOU, PROFESSOR.

I NOW CALL MERLIN JONES.

[door closes]

YOU ARE A VERY CLEVER
YOUNG MAN, MR. JONES.

AND I WANT
TO CONGRATULATE YOU

ON THE INGENIOUS CODE
YOU WORKED OUT.

I'D LIKE YOU
TO EXPLAIN IT TO US.

NOW, UH, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN--
SCRATCHING YOUR EAR?

IT MEANS MY EAR ITCHED.

YOUR EAR ITCHED?

DOES IT ITCH OFTEN?

[chuckles]
NO. IT DOESN'T.

MM-HMM.

NOW, WHY SHOULD YOUR EAR
CONVENIENTLY PICK EXAM TIME

TO START ITCHING?

WELL, I SUPPOSE
I COULD'VE BEEN NERVOUS.

THAT MIGHT HAVE CAUSED IT.

NERVOUS.
[chuckles]

NOW, WHY SHOULD
A GOOD STUDENT LIKE YOU

BE NERVOUS
OVER AN ENGLISH LIT EXAM?

UNLESS YOU WERE WORRIED
THAT SOMEONE MIGHT CATCH YOU

SIGNALING THE ANSWERS
TO THE OTHER TWO.

THAT ISN'T IT AT ALL!
I WAS NERVOUS BECAUSE--

NEVER MIND,
MR. JONES.

WE UNDERSTAND.
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.

JUDGE HOLMSBY?

NO QUESTIONS
AT THIS TIME.

YOU MAY STEP DOWN.

YOU HAVE JUST HEARD
FROM THE MASTERMIND.

WE WILL NOW HEAR

FROM LEON AND NORMAN,
HIS PARTNERS IN CRIME.

OH, NO SELF-RESPECTING
TELEVISION ATTORNEY

WOULD LET YOU GET AWAY
WITH THAT ONE.

LOOK AT THEM,
GENTLEMEN.

DO THEY LOOK LIKE STUDENTS
WHO WOULD GET GRADES OF 100%

IN ENGLISH LITERATURE?

DO THEY LOOK CAPABLE
OF TURNING IN

PERFECT EXAM PAPERS?

IF THE CHARGE AGAINST THESE MEN
WAS LOOKING STUPID,

I WOULDN'T BE HERE
DEFENDING THEM.

AND IF MIDVALE HAD A REGULATION
AGAINST MEN LOOKING STUPID,

WE MIGHT LOSE HALF
THE STUDENT BODY

AND AT LEAST ONE MEMBER
OF THE BOARD OF REGENTS AS WELL.

I HAVE TOTALED UP

THE ENTIRE NUMBER OF HOURS
IN THE DAY

WHICH YOU SPEND IN CLASS,

UH, AT FOOTBALL PRACTICE,

ON MEALS,

ON SLEEP--

23 HOURS.

THAT LEAVES YOU
ONE WHOLE HOUR TO WASTE.

YEAH, YOU GOT TO DO
A LITTLE GOOFING OFF.

[both laugh]

AND WHEN
DO YOU FIND TIME

TO STUDY
YOUR ENGLISH LIT?

WHEN WE'RE ASLEEP.

THIS IS NO TIME
FOR FACETIOUSNESS.

I ASKED
WHEN DO YOU STUDY

FOR YOUR
ENGLISH LIT EXAMS?

HE TOLD YOU--
WHEN WE'RE ASLEEP.

HMM.

YOU STUDY YOUR ENGLISH LIT
WHILE YOU'RE ASLEEP.

THAT'S ALL.

JUST A MINUTE.

UH, I DON'T BELIEVE
MR. DEARBORNE BELIEVES YOU

WHEN YOU SAID YOU STUDIED
FOR YOUR ENGLISH LIT EXAMS

WHILE YOU SLEPT.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

JUDGE HOLMSBY AND I
HAVE EVER AGREED ON ANYTHING.

WILL YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU STUDIED
FOR YOUR ENGLISH LIT EXAMS

IN MORE DETAIL, PLEASE?

WELL, THERE ARE THESE THINGS
ATTACHED TO OUR HEADS.

I BELIEVE
THEY'RE CALLED EARS.

NO, THESE THINGS
HAD WIRES CONNECTED TO THEM.

AND MERLIN MADE A RECORD,
AND WHILE WE SLEPT,

THIS RECORD PLAYED
OVER AND OVER AGAIN,

AND WHEN WE WOKE UP,
WELL, WE KNEW IT.

IT'S BECAUSE MERLIN JONES
TAUGHT THEM

BY WAY OF SLEEP LEARNING

THAT ALL THREE
OF THEIR EXAM PAPERS WERE ALIKE.

DO YOU EXPECT US
TO BELIEVE

A COCK-AND-BULL STORY
LIKE THAT?

MERLIN HAS BEEN EDUCATING
A CHIMPANZEE

THROUGH SLEEP LEARNING.

A CHIMPANZEE.

YES, A CHIMPANZEE.

SO HE DECIDED
TO USE SLEEP LEARNING

WHEN THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS
NEEDED AN HONEST WAY TO CHEAT.

CHEAT! THERE, YOU SAID
IT YOURSELF.

SLEEP LEARNING OR NOT,
IT IS CHEATING.

I SAID AN HONEST WAY
TO CHEAT.

THERE IS
NO SUCH THING!

AND I SAY THERE IS!

DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU LEARN
AS LONG AS YOU LEARN!

HOLMSBY, YOU ARE
A PIGHEADED OLD FOOL!

GENTLEMEN,
GENTLEMEN, PLEASE.

GENTLEMEN, I THINK
IT MIGHT BE WISER

IF WE DISMISSED
OUR WITNESSES

AND CONTINUED
OUR LITTLE CONVERSATION

IN PRIVATE.

LOOKS BAD, HUH?

WELL, ALL THE SAME,
I-I WANT TO THANK YOU, MERLIN.

THANKS FOR WHAT,
FOR GETTING US EXPELLED?

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE
WHO WANTS TO HIRE A TRUCK DRIVER

WHO KNOWS A LOT
ABOUT ENGLISH LITERATURE,

LET ME KNOW.

THE IMPORTANT THING, MERLIN,
IS YOU TRIED.

IF I HADN'T TRIED,
WE'D ALL STILL BE IN COLLEGE.

WELL, WE'RE NOT
EXPELLED YET.

WELL, THE JUDGE IS STILL
IN THERE FIGHTING FOR US.

WELL, LISTEN, MERLIN,

ALL THE BRAINS I EVER KNEW
BEFORE YOU WERE KIND OF SNOBS,

BUT NOT YOU.

W-WELL, YOU'RE JUST LIKE
A REGULAR STUPID FELLA,

AND THAT'S WHAT I LIKE
ABOUT YOU.

THANKS, LEON.

WELL, COME ON, LET'S GO
BACK TO THE MU MU HOUSE.

NO, I BETTER GET HOME.
I LEFT STANLEY WITH A SITTER.

AND WHEN WILL THE HEAD
OF THE GREEK DEPARTMENT

BE PAID AS MUCH
AS THE FOOTBALL COACH?

JUST AS SOON
AS YOU SEE 50,000 PEOPLE

CHEERING
A GREEK RECITATION.

A COLLEGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE
A PLACE OF LEARNING.

THE ONLY QUESTION IS WHETHER
TO EXPEL THESE STUDENTS.

IF THEY'RE GUILTY,
I AM, TOO.

I URGED MERLIN
TO DO WHAT HE DID.

AND IF YOU WERE
A STUDENT,

I WOULD VOTE
TO KICK YOU OUT, TOO.

WELL, IF THEY'RE
KICKED OUT,

I'M QUITTING
THE BOARD OF REGENTS.

THAT IS THE BEST ARGUMENT
FOR EXPELLING THEM

THAT I HAVE HEARD YET!

NOW, LISTEN!
NOW, LISTEN!

GENTLEMEN!

GENTLEMEN, YOU'VE MADE
YOUR POSITION VERY CLEAR.

WE WILL NOW VOTE...

QUIETLY, CALMLY...

AND WITHOUT PREJUDICE.

[whispering]
DID YOU HAVE A NICE EVENING?

[whispering]
WELL, I FLUNKED ENGLISH LIT.

I'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF CHEATING,
AND I MAY GET EXPELLED

FROM COLLEGE.

OUTSIDE OF THAT,
I HAD A VERY NICE EVENING.

HOW AWFUL.

THE SLEEP LEARNING IDEA
BOOMERANGED.

BUT IT'S DONE SO MUCH
FOR STANLEY.

I KNOW.

MERLIN, MAY I TRY IT?

WHAT?

THE SLEEP LEARNING.

OH, I REALLY
DON'T UNDERSTAND IT,

BUT IT'S
TERRIBLY INTRIGUING.

[sighs]

PLEASE, MERLIN.

AW, ALL RIGHT.

[clock ticking]

[alarm ringing]

(Merlin)
WHEN THE ALARM CLOCK RINGS,
TURN IT OFF.

[ringing stops]

GET OUT OF BED.

TURN ON THE COFFEE.

[doorbell rings]

OH, YOU POOR DARLING,
SITTING HERE ALONE

AT A TIME LIKE THIS!

PUT OUT THE CAT.

I CAME OVER
JUST AS SOON AS I HEARD.

I THOUGHT OF YOU LONELY
AND DESPERATE.

OH, YOU NEEDED ME,
DIDN'T YOU, MERLIN?

[meows]
THEY CAN'T DO THIS
TO YOU.

TAKE A SHOWER,
BRUSH YOUR TEETH.

OF ALL THE PEOPLE I'VE EVER
KNOWN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE,

YOU ARE THE MOST
STRAIGHTFORWARD,

ABOVEBOARD,
HIGH-MINDED...

[door closes]

TWO-FACED, DOUBLE-DEALING CAT
I'VE EVER KNOWN!

[water running]

ALL RIGHT, LISA,
WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH, HELLO. W-WE WERE
JUST CONDUCTING AN EXPERIMENT.

YOU DOUBLE-CROSSING
CHIMPSITTER,

I SHOULD'VE KNOWN
WHAT YOU WERE UP TO!

THE EXPERIMENT'S OVER!

JEN, LET ME EXPLAIN.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

IT'S QUITE CLEAR
WHAT'S GOING ON.

I RESENT THAT!

OH, YOU DO, DO YOU?!
YES, I DO!

[both shouting]
(Merlin)
PLEASE, GIRLS!

STOP YOUR YELLING AND SHOUTING.
YOU'LL UPSET STANLEY.

SO THAT'S IT?
ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS STANLEY.

YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT, JENNIFER.

HE HASN'T GIVEN A THOUGHT
TO MY FEELINGS

OR YOURS.

THAT'S JUST IT, LISA.

AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
HE CAN TAKE STANLEY,

AND BOTH GO
BACK TO THE JUNGLE!

I'M FOR THAT, TOO!

BUT, JEN!

ISN'T IT RIDICULOUS
THE WAY HE PAMPERS HIM?

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
AND I'LL BE GLAD TO TESTIFY

THAT HE'S NOT A FIT GUARDIAN
FOR A CHIMPANZEE.

[Stanley chattering]

STANLEY,
PEOPLE ARE DIFFICULT.

[car door closes]

YOU TRY AND DO YOUR BEST
FOR THEM, AND THEN...

[chattering]
SUDDENLY...

OH, NO, STANLEY.
NOT YOU, TOO.

DO YOU KNOW
WHAT IT'S LIKE, STANLEY,

TO FEEL THE WHOLE WORLD'S
AGAINST YOU?

[chatters softly]

I TRIED TO HELP
THE FOOTBALL TEAM AND FAILED.

NOW EVERYONE
ON CAMPUS HATES ME.

BUT I GUESS
IT DOESN'T MATTER,

BECAUSE I WON'T EVEN BE
ON CAMPUS.

I'M BEING EXPELLED
FROM MIDVALE,

KICKED OUT
IN DISGRACE.

AND JENNIFER...

SHE'S TURNED
AGAINST ME, TOO.

YOU'RE ALL
I HAVE LEFT, STANLEY,

ALL I HAVE LEFT.

[chattering]

[telephone ringing]

HELLO?

[sighs]
YES, JUDGE HOLMSBY.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO COME OVER
TO MY HOUSE RIGHT AWAY.

BUT, SIR, I-I DON'T HAVE ANYONE
I CAN LEAVE STANLEY WITH.

WELL, BRING STANLEY
WITH YOU,

BUT GET HERE
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

YES, SIR.

GOOD-BYE, SIR.

WELL, STANLEY, WE MIGHT AS WELL
GET GOING AND FACE THE WORST.

[doorbell rings]

GOOD EVENING,
MR. JONES, STANLEY.

GOOD EVENING, SIR.

THE BOARD OF REGENTS
MADE ITS DECISION.

IT'S THEIR VERDICT
THAT...

(all)
SURPRISE!

IT'S THEIR VERDICT
THAT SLEEP LEARNING

IS AN HONEST WAY
TO CHEAT,

WITH THE EMPHASIS
ON HONEST.

WE GOT "A"s
IN ENGLISH LIT!

WE CAN PLAY FOOTBALL!

HOORAY FOR MERLIN!

[all cheering]

JUST CONGRATULATE HIM.
HE'LL UNDERSTAND.

(all)
* FOR HE'S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *

* FOR HE'S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *

* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW,
WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY *

* WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY,
WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY *

* FOR HE'S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *

* FOR HE'S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *

* FOR HE'S
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW *

* WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY

(college president)
WELL, GENTLEMEN,

NOW THAT OUR UNHAPPY
LITTLE CONTROVERSY IS OVER,

I'M SURE WE'RE ALL AGREED

TO CLOSE RANKS AND PROCEED
WITH OUR PROPER TASK--

EDUCATING
THE YOUNG MIND.

QUITE RIGHT.
EXACTLY.

UH, HOWEVER,
THE FIRST BUSINESS AT HAND

IS THIS YEAR'S
FUNDRAISING CAMPAIGN,

FOR OUR BELOVED COLLEGE,
ONCE AGAIN, ALAS,

IS CHRONICALLY SHORT
OF CASH.

IN CONNECTION WITH THAT,
MR. PRESIDENT,

UH, I HAVE
AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE,

WHICH I THINK WILL MAKE
EVERYONE HERE FEEL VERY HAPPY.

I HAVE PERSUADED
MR. J.P. ASTERBILT

TO ENDOW MIDVALE COLLEGE
WITH $1 MILLION.

$1 MILLION?
W-W-WHY, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

ALTHOUGH WE'VE HAD
OUR DISAGREEMENTS IN THE PAST,

I MUST SAY
THAT MR. DEARBORNE...

NOW, THERE
IS A CONDITION.

MR. ASTERBILT STIPULATES
FOOTBALL MUST BE ABOLISHED,

OR THE DEAL IS OFF.

IS A STUBBORN,
PIGHEADED FOOL.

I HAVE NO WISH TO ARGUE
WITH THE JUDGE OR--

DEARBORNE,
YOU POSITIVELY

HOLD THE WORLD'S RECORD
AT GRUDGE CARRYING.

JUST BECAUSE
YOU COULDN'T MAKE THE TEAM

WHEN YOU WERE
A STUDENT HERE,

YOU'RE FOREVER SNIPING

AT MIDVALE FOOTBALL.

THERE IS NO CAUSE
FOR ANGER, JUDGE.

WE CAN KEEP FOOTBALL
AT MIDVALE,

OR WE CAN HAVE $1 MILLION.

TAKE YOUR CHOICE.
[chuckles]

(college president)
OF COURSE, FOOTBALL

DOES TAKE TIME AWAY
FROM STUDIES.

AND THERE'S ALWAYS THE DANGER
THAT SOMEONE WILL GET HURT.

AND IT CREATES
THE WRONG KIND OF ATMOSPHERE

FOR AN INSTITUSION
OF HIGHER LEARNING.

WELL, GENTLEMEN,
WE ALL SEEM TO BE IN AGREEMENT,

UH, ALMOST ALL,
THAT IS.

TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY,

MR. ASTERBILT
WILL BE HERE WITH A CHECK

FOR $1 MILLION.

AND AT THAT TIME,

FOOTBALL AT MIDVALE

WILL COME TO AN END.

THERE'S SOMEONE
TO SEE YOU, JUDGE.

I DON'T WANT
TO SEE ANYONE.

HIS NAME
IS DARIUS GREEN III.

I DON'T KNOW
ANY DARIUS GREEN.

HE'S IN THE STUDY.

I COULDN'T GET RID OF HIM.
MAYBE YOU CAN.

HUH.

JUDGE HOLMSBY,
I'M GLAD TO MEET YOU.

I'M DARIUS GREEN III.

WELL, MR. GREEN,
I'M A VERY BUSY MAN.

SO AM I, BUT I'M GONNA READ YOU
A POEM ABOUT MY GRANDDADDY.

I TOLD YOU,
I AM VERY BUSY.

AND IT MIGHT MEAN
A VERY BIG ENDOWMENT

TO MIDVALE COLLEGE.

HOWEVER, I'M NEVER TOO BUSY
TO LISTEN TO A GOOD POEM.

AH, I KNEW YOU WEREN'T.

UH, UH, THE NAME
OF THIS POEM

IS DARIUS GREEN
AND HIS FLYING MACHINE.

INTERESTING TITLE.

THAT WOULD BE DARIUS GREEN I,
I PRESUME.

MY GRANDDADDY.

"AN ASPIRING GENIUS
WAS DARIUS GREEN.

"SON OF A FARMER,
AGE 14.

"HIS BODY WAS LONG
AND LANK AND LEAN,

JUST RIGHT FOR FLYING,
AS WE'LL BE SEEING."

"THE BIRDS CAN FLY,
AND WHY CAN'T I?

"'MUST WE GIVE IN,'
HE SAID WITH A GRIN.

"JUST FOLD OUR HANDS
AND LET THE 'SWALLER'

AND BLACKBIRD AND CATBIRD
BEAT US HOLLER."

THAT WAS GOOD THINKING,
MR. GREEN.

GRANDDADDY
WAS SMART,

NO MATTER
WHAT THEY SAY.

"SO, DAY AFTER DAY,

"HE STITCHED AND TINKERED
AND HAMMERED AWAY

"TILL AT LAST
IT WAS DONE,

"THE GREATEST INVENTION
UNDER THE SUN.

"THEN, SAID DARIUS,
'HOORAY FOR SOME FUN.'"

"HOORAY FOR SOME FUN."

"SO THIS MODERN KNIGHT
PREPARED FOR FLIGHT,

"PUT ON HIS WINGS
AND STRAPPED THEM TIGHT.

"BUCKLED THEM FAST
TO SHOULDER AND HIP.

TEN FEET THEY MEASURED
FROM TIP TO TIP."

IMAGINE A WINGSPREAD
OF TEN FEET.

"STEPPIN' CAREFUL,
HE TRAVELED THE LENGTH

"OF HIS SPRINGBOARD AND TEETERED
TO TRY ITS STRENGTH.

"NOW HE STRETCHES HIS WINGS
LIKE A MONSTROUS BAT,

"PEEKS OVER HIS SHOULDER
THIS WAY AND THAT.

"FOR TO SEE
IF THERE'S ANYONE PASSING BY,

TO SEE THE DRAGON
HE'S GOING TO FLY."

GO ON, PLEASE.
GO ON.

"AS A DEMON IS HURLED

"BY AN ANGEL'S SPEAR,

"HEELS OVER HEAD
TO HIS PROPER SPHERE,

"SO FELL DARIUS
UPON HIS CROWN.

"INTO THE BARNYARD,
HE COMES DOWN

"IN A WONDERFUL WORLD
OF TANGLED STRINGS,

"BROKEN BRACES
AND BROKEN SPRINGS,

"BROKEN TAIL
AND BROKEN WINGS,

SHOOTING STARS
AND VARIOUS THINGS."

OH, HOW VERY SAD,
MR. GREEN.

THERE IT IS, JUDGE.

AND EVER SINCE,

GRANDDADDY DARIUS HAS BEEN
TREATED LIKE A SIMPLETON,

INSTEAD OF A MAN
WAY AHEAD OF HIS TIMES.

JUST LOOK AT THE WAY
THEY DRAWED HIM.

THEY WASN'T CONTENT
TO HAVE HIM ACT THE FOOL.

THEY EVEN PICTURED HIM
LOOKING LIKE A FOOL.

I GATHER YOU FEEL
YOUR ANCESTOR'S BEEN SLURRED,

BUT WHAT CAN BE DONE
ABOUT IT NOW?

WELL, I'D LIKE TO CLEAR
GRANDDADDY'S NAME

BY PROVING A FELLA CAN FLY
UNDER HIS OWN POWER

BY GETTING SOMEONE
TO DO IT.

THAT'S WHY I CAME
ALL THE WAY FROM VERMONT

TO SEE YOU.

TO SEE ME?

WELL, I HEARD
YOU WERE A MEMBER

OF THE BOARD OF REGENTS
AT MIDVALE COLLEGE.

YES, I AM.

HMM.

I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU
A QUESTION.

WOULD MIDVALE CONSIDER
AN ENDOWMENT OF $10 MILLION

ENOUGH TO GET THEM INTERESTED
IN WORKING ON THIS HERE IDEA?

[laughing]

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

[laughing]
WELL, FOR A MINUTE,
IT SOUNDED AS THOUGH--

IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU SAID,
"$10 MILLION."

[laughing]
THAT'S WHAT I DID SAY.

[stops laughing]

$10 MILLION?

THAT'S RIGHT.

ONE, ZERO...

ZERO, ZERO, ZERO...

ZERO, ZERO, ZERO?

DON'T WORRY, JUDGE.

YOU CAN LOOK ME UP AND DOWN
ON BRIDE STREET.

YOU'LL FIND
I'M PRETTY WELL FIXED.

OH, I'M NOT WORRYING
ABOUT YOU, MR. GREEN.

BUT I WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOU
ONE QUESTION.

HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT FOOTBALL?

OH, I LIKE IT.

UH, BUT I CAN'T PLAY
WITH YOU TODAY.

MR. GREEN, YOU HAVE JUST SAVED
FOOTBALL AT MIDVALE COLLEGE.

WHY ARE WE TALKING
ABOUT FOOTBALL?

BECAUSE YOUR GENEROSITY LETS
MIDVALE TURN DOWN ANOTHER OFFER,

ONE WITH STRINGS ATTACHED.

WELL, MINE
HAS STRINGS, TOO.

NOT ONE CENT DO YOU GET

UNTIL YOU REALLY PROVE A MAN
CAN FLY UNDER HIS OWN POWER.

NOW, DO YOU THINK MIDVALE
HAS THE KNOW-HOW?

OH, POSITIVELY.

ARE YOU SURE THEY HAVE?
ABSOLUTELY.

WE'VE GOT--

UH, UH, WELL--

W-WE HAVE
AN ABSOLUTE GENIUS HERE,

MERLIN JONES--
HE CAN PROVE ANYTHING.

OH, I'D LIKE TO MEET HIM.

BUT--YOU CAN.

IT'S ABOUT LUNCHTIME.

WE'LL GO OVER
TO THE CAMPUS CAFE.

UH, MERLIN WAITS
ON TABLES THERE.

WHAT'S A GENIUS DOING
WAITING ON TABLES?

WHY NOT? I HEARD EINSTEIN USED
TO WAIT ON TABLES, TOO.

OH, DID HE?

[overlapping conversations]

[laughter]

I'M VERY SORRY, SIR.

I HEAR THAT EINSTEIN WASN'T
A VERY GOOD WAITER EITHER.

UM, I'LL GET YOU
SOME MORE CLAM CHOWDER, SIR.

UH, I DIDN'T ORDER
CLAM CHOWDER.

I JUST WANT A SALAD.
YES, SIR.

OH, BY THE WAY, JUDGE,

STANLEY AND I HAVE BEEN WORKING
ON A PROJECT--

WHO'S STANLEY?
OH, I'LL HAVE
A SALAD, TOO.

YES, SIR. RIGHT AWAY, SIR.

STANLEY IS MY--

EH, EH, WE WANT
THE SALADS NOW.
YES, SIR.

(man)
HE, MERLIN, HOW
ABOUT SOME MORE WATER?

COMING.

AND HE'S THE GENIUS
AT MIDVALE?

WELL, I KNOW YOU HAVE

AN UNFORTUNATE
FIRST IMPRESSION OF HIM,

BUT YOU'LL SEE,
HE'LL SURPRISE YOU.

HE'S GIVEN ME
A FEW SURPRISES ALREADY.

WHO'S STANLEY?

EH, YEAH, WELL, STANLEY
IS HIS NEPHEW--

A CHIMPANZEE.

A CHIMPANZEE?

YES. I SIGNED
THE COURT ORDER MYSELF.

HE'S LEGALLY
THE MONKEY'S UNCLE.

[laughing]

COME ON, MERLIN,
WHERE'S THAT WATER?

SURE, HERE YOU ARE.

I'M GETTING TOO FAST
FOR YOU, MERLIN.

YOU MISSED ME THAT TIME.

[laughter]
GEE, I'M SORRY, SIR.

DON'T LET IT WORRY YOU.

THAT'S YOUR FIRST MISS
OF THE DAY.

OH, NO,
WHAT I MEANT WAS--

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT.
YES, YES, OF COURSE.

MERLIN, MERLIN,
YOU SEE, MR. GREEN

HAS OFFERED MIDVALE
A VERY GENEROUS ENDOWMENT.

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

BUT--BUT--
BUT IT ALL DEPENDS

ON YOUR BEING ABLE TO
DEMONSTRATE MAN-POWERED FLIGHT.

MAN-POWERED FLIGHT?

YES.

BY MAN-POWERED FLIGHT,

DO YOU MEAN
NO GAS-INFLATED DEVICES?

RIGHT.

NOTHING THAT USES FUEL
OR THAT GETS ITS POWER

FROM ANYTHING
OTHER THAN A MAN'S MUSCLES?

YES.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

TAKEOFF MAN-POWERED,

FLIGHT MAINTAINED BY MAN POWER,
AND LANDING MAN-POWERED?

THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I MEAN.

IT CAN'T BE DONE.

D'OH! WELL, HE MEANS

IT'S VERY DIFFICULT,

UH, BUT, OF COURSE,
IT CAN BE DONE.

NO, WHAT
I MEANT WAS--

[stammering]
MERLIN, WILL YOU GET ME
A GLASS OF WATER?

OH, BUT YOU ALREADY HAVE
A GLASS OF WATER.

NO, THE THING
ABOUT MAN-POWERED FLIGHT--

WELL, THEN BRING US COFFEE
AND--AND THE CHECK.

[chuckles]
YES, SIR.

YOU SEE, A BRILLIANT YOUNG MAN
LIKE MERLIN--

OH, UH, WOULD YOU LIKE CREAM
IN YOUR COFFEE, SIR?

NO. YES, YES.

NO. YES, YES.

UH...

IF THAT BOY
CAN'T HANDLE IT,

I GUESS I'LL TAKE MY OFFER OVER
TO THAT OTHER COLLEGE NEAR HERE.

R-RANDALL?
OH, THAT WOULD BE VERY STUPID--

UH, UNWISE.

I MEAN, THERE ISN'T ANYONE
LIKE MERLIN JONES AT RANDALL.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYONE
LIKE MERLIN JONES ANYWHERE.

OH, YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT,
MR. GREEN.

THERE'S ONLY ONE MERLIN JONES,
AND MIDVALE HAS HIM.

THAT'S WHY I THINK I'LL TAKE
MY OFFER OVER TO RANDALL.

BUT--I WILL GIVE YOU
MY PERSONAL GUARANTEE

THAT MERLIN JONES
CAN DO THE JOB FOR YOU.

BUT HE DOESN'T THINK
HE CAN.

OH, THAT'S JUST A SCIENTIST'S
APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM.

YOU SEE, YOU START OFF

BY ASSUMING WHAT YOU'RE TRYING
TO DO IS IMPOSSIBLE,

THEN YOU GO AHEAD
AND DO IT.

IT'S WHAT'S CALLED

THE, UH, PROVING
THE IMPOSSIBLE THEOREM.

[exhales deeply]

MR. GREEN, HOW HIGH WOULD A MAN
HAVE TO FLY TO SATISFY YOU?

UH, TEN FEET.

MM-HMM. AND HOW LONG
WOULD HE HAVE TO SUSTAIN IT?

ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
FIVE MINUTES.

300 SECONDS.

I THINK MERLIN'S GOT SOMETHING
FIGURED OUT ALREADY,

RIGHT, MERLIN?
MM-HMM.

I JUST FIGURED OUT
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

UH, UH, THERE, YOU SEE?

THAT'S A SCIENTIFIC APPROACH,
PROVING THE IMPOSSIBLE,

UH, RIGHT, MR. GREEN?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, JUDGE.

IN VERMONT, WE DON'T MAKE UP
OUR MINDS SO FAST.

WE LIKE TO GIVE
A LITTLE THOUGHT TO THINGS.

AND QUITE RIGHT,
MR. GREEN.

YOU LIKE TO GIVE
A LITTLE THOUGHT TO THINGS,

SO DOES MERLIN,

DON'T YOU, MERLIN?

YOU CAN GIVE THIS
A LITTLE THOUGHT,

CAN'T YOU,
FOR, UH, $10 MILLION?

$10 MILLION?
HA HA!

THERE, YOU SEE, MR. GREEN?
THE CHECK, PLEASE.

NO, NO, NO,
I INSIST.

UH, YOU ARE A GUEST
AT MIDVALE,

AND I WILL NOT HAVE YOU
SPENDING ONE CENT.

MERLIN...

MR. GREEN AND I HAVE
COMPLETE CONFIDENCE IN YOU.

FROM NOW ON, MAN-POWERED FLIGHT
IS COMPLETELY IN YOUR HANDS.

THIS WAY,
THIS WAY, MR. GREEN.

HA HA HA.

MERLIN, WHY DON'T YOU HURRY UP
AND INVENT THAT PLANE

SO YOU CAN TAKE ME
TO THE MOVIE?

IT'S NOT
AS EASY AS THAT.

WHY NOT?

JENNIFER, CAN'T YOU SEE
WHAT A MAN'S UP AGAINST

WHEN HE TRIES TO FLY
UNDER HIS OWN POWER?

STANLEY,
GIVE ME THE BIRD.

[imitating birdcall]

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

I WANT THIS BIRD.

SEE HOW IT'S DESIGNED
FOR FLIGHT?

LOOK AT THE BODY--

STREAMLINED
FOR CUTTING THROUGH THE AIR.

IT'S CUTE.

MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL
ARE THE AIR CAVITIES

THAT MAKE A BIRD'S BONES
VERY LIGHT.

MAN'S BONES ARE SOLID.

DON'T THE WINGS
HELP, TOO?

OF COURSE THEY HELP.

BUT MAN WAS DESIGNED
FOR WALKING.

MAN MAYBE,
BUT NOT WOMAN.

WALKING IN THESE SHOES
IS TORTURE.

I MEAN
BOTH MAN AND WOMAN.

CERTAINLY YOU WEREN'T DESIGNED
FOR FLYING.

OF COURSE NOT.
I HAVE NO WINGS.

NO WINGS
AND HEAVY LEGS.

REALLY, MERLIN!

OH, NO, JEN, I DIDN'T MEAN
YOUR LEGS PERSONALLY.

I MEANT MAN'S LEGS
IN GENERAL.

OH.

BUT DO YOU THINK MY LEGS
ARE TOO HEAVY?

OF COURSE NOT.

I THINK YOUR LEGS ARE...

HOW DID WE EVER GET
INTO A DISCUSSION ON YOUR LEGS?

YOU WERE CRITICIZING
MY FIGURE.

LOOK, JEN, ON THE GROUND,
YOUR FIGURE IS GORGEOUS,

AND THAT BIRD'S
IS RIDICULOUS.

BUT HIS WAS DESIGNED FOR FLYING,
AND YOURS WASN'T.

WELL, I JUST WON'T FLY THEN,
THAT'S ALL.

WELL, SOMEONE'S GOT TO,

OR MIDVALE'S OUT $10 MILLION
AND ONE FOOTBALL TEAM.

I DON'T SEE
HOW THAT'S POSSIBLE

AFTER WHAT
YOU'VE JUST EXPLAINED.

AFTER ALL,
MAN ISN'T STREAMLINED,

AND HE'S GOT CAVITIES
IN HIS TEETH

INSTEAD OF HIS LEGS.

YOU'RE FORGETTING
JUST ONE THING.

AND MAN
DOESN'T HAVE WINGS?

NO, SOMETHING HE DOES HAVE--
A HIGHLY DEVELOPED BRAIN.

MAN'S BRAIN IS ALWAYS ENABLING
HIM TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE.

MERLIN, I CAN JUST SEE
YOU NOW,

FLYING THROUGH THE AIR,
SOARING THROUGH THE SKIES!

WELL, NO, JEN,
I WON'T BE DOING THE FLYING.

YOU WON'T?

WHO WILL?
I DON'T KNOW.

WE'LL PROBABLY GET
A FOOTBALL PLAYER--

SOMEONE WITH AS MUCH MUSCLE AND
AS LITTLE WEIGHT AS POSSIBLE.

I JUST PROVIDE
THE BRAINPOWER.

HMM,
THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG.

[chattering]

THAT'S IT,

THE CUBE
OF THE VELOCITY.

THANK YOU, STANLEY.

[screeching]

(Judge Holmsby)
SO, GENTLEMEN,
THE MIDVALE FOOTBALL TEAM

IS ONCE AGAIN THREATENED
BY MR. DEARBORNE.

[all booing]

ONCE AGAIN, ONCE AGAIN,
THE FATE OF THE TEAM

IS IN THE HANDS AND THE BRAIN
OF MERLIN JONES.

[all cheering]

FOR NOW,
I CAN REVEAL TO YOU

THAT MERLIN IS WORKING
ON A SECRET PROJECT,

WHICH, IF SUCCESSFUL,

WILL BRING TO MIDVALE
AN ENDOWMENT OF $10 MILLION.

[all whistling]

AND WITH $10 MILLION,

WE CAN UTTERLY REJECT
MR. ASTERBILT'S $1 MILLION,

AND THE CONDITIONS
THAT GO WITH IT,

AND PRESERVE FOOTBALL
AT MIDVALE FOREVER.

[all cheering]

HOWEVER,

MERLIN IS NOW AT A STAGE
IN THIS PROJECT

WHERE HE DOES NEED
THE ASSISTANCE OF ONE MAN.

AND I BELIEVE THE MU MUS
SHOULD HAVE THE HONOR

OF PROVIDING THAT MAN.

[all cheering]

AS HEAD OF THIS FRATERNITY,
I VOLUNTEER THE SERVICES

OF EVERY SINGLE MU MU
IN THIS ROOM!

[all cheering]

FINE, HAYWOOD, FINE.

NOW, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS DECIDE
WHICH ONE IT WILL BE.

MERLIN HAS THE NAMES
OF FOUR MEN

WHOM HE THINKS HAVE
THE RIGHT QUALIFICATIONS.

CALL THEM OUT, MERLIN.

THEN WE'LL DRAW STRAWS

AND SEE WHO THE LUCKY ONE
WILL BE.

YES, SIR.
JIM ANDREWS.

LEON.

[all cheering]

A.J. COBB.

ME?!

[all cheering]

AND, FINALLY,

NORMAN!

[all cheering]

HEY, MERLIN,
WHAT IS THIS SECRET PROJECT?

MAN-POWERED FLIGHT--

A FLYING MACHINE POWERED
ONLY BY A MAN'S MUSCLES.

IT'LL NEVER WORK.
MAYBE NOT.

BUT WE'RE GONNA TRY.

WE?

SURE.

ME AND WHICHEVER ONE OF YOU WINS
THE JOB OF FLYING IT.

FLYING IT?!

(Leon)
YOU MEAN ONE OF US
IS GONNA FLY IT?

I DON'T THINK
I'M THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB.

I GOT THIS SINUS CONDITION.

YEAH,
AND I GOT DANDRUFF.

OH, REALLY, I DO.
LOOK.

JUST ONE MOMENT.

MU MU HONOR IS AT STAKE.

WE'LL GO AHEAD
AND DRAW STRAWS.

THE LONGEST ONE LOSES.

[chuckles]
I MEAN WINS--

WINS THE HONOR OF FLYING.

[indistinct chatter]

QUIET.
QUIET, GENTLEMEN!

QUIET.

REMEMBER,
THIS IS AN IMPORTANT MOMENT.

LINE UP, PLEASE.

NORMAN.

[laughing]

JIM.

A.J.

LEON.

[all cheering,
shouting indistinctly]

QUIET!
FELLAS, QUIET! QUIET!

MY BOY,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT MIDVALE WILL ALWAYS
REMEMBER AND APPRECIATE

WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO,

NO MATTER WHETHER
IT'S SUCCESSFUL OR NOT.

IN FACT, I INTEND TO INTRODUCE
A RESOLUTION

TO THE BOARD OF REGENTS,

ASKING THEM TO NAME
THE STADIUM AFTER YOU.

NO FOOLING?

NO FOOLING.

JUST THINK, 90,000 CHEERING
STUDENTS IN YOUR STADIUM--

THE LEON MEMORIAL STADIUM.

MEMORIAL STADIUM?!

[laughter]

WELL, UH, I JUST CALLED IT

THE FIRST THING
THAT CAME INTO MY HEAD.

YOU CAN CALL IT
ANYTHING YOU'D LIKE.

[whimpers]
I WANT TO CALL IT QUITS.

[all awing]

I DON'T THINK SO...

ARE YOU READY, LEON?

I SUPPOSE SO.

OH, LEON,
YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.

I DO?
OF COURSE YOU DO.

MY BOY, THIS IS THE LAST STEP
IN YOUR TRAINING.

I WANT YOU TO SEE A FILM

OF VARIOUS FLYING MACHINES
IN ACTION.

LIGHTS, PLEASE,
JENNIFER.

THERE'S ALWAYS A CHANCE TO LEARN
FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S MISTAKES.

SOME OF THESE FLYING MACHINES
ARE MOTOR-DRIVEN,

SO, OF COURSE, CAN'T BE USED
IN MAN-POWERED FLIGHT.

STANLEY?

BUT WE'RE INTERESTED

IN THE SCIENTIFIC THINKING
THAT WENT INTO DESIGNING THEM--

THE AERODYNAMICS,
THE THEORY OF FLIGHT.

(Merlin)
ANY FOOL CAN SEE THIS WILL
NEVER GET OFF THE GROUND.

CAN'T YOU, LEON?
[laughing]
SURE.

AT LEAST THIS FELLA KNEW
THAT THE HEAVIER THE LOAD,

THE MORE POWER NEEDED
FOR LIFTING,

SO HE KEPT
THE WEIGHT DOWN.

[laughing]
KEPT EVERYTHING ELSE DOWN, TOO.

I WONDER IF MR. GREEN
WOULD OKAY ROCKETS.

OH, GUESS NOT.

ANY FLYING MACHINE
NEEDS THE LIGHTEST

AND STRONGEST MATERIALS
POSSIBLE.

LIGHT ENOUGH TO LIFT

AND STRONG ENOUGH TO HOLD
TOGETHER UNDER PRESSURE.

THIS IS NEITHER.

NOW WE COME TO THE ORNITHOPTIC
APPROACH TO FLYING.

TRYING TO FLY
BY IMITATING

THE UP-AND-DOWN MOVEMENT
OF A BIRD'S WINGS,

NOT UNLIKE TRYING TO SWIM

BY IMITATING THE WIGGLE
OF A FISH'S TAIL.

THESE FELLAS
JUST DIDN'T UNDERSTAND

THE FUNDAMENTALS OF FLYING.

NOW WE SEE THE APPLICATION
OF SCIENTIFIC PRINCIPLES.

THIS WING STRUCTURE
REPRESENTS A GREAT ADVANCE.

[laughing]

BUT IT ISN'T
QUITE PERFECT.

ALTHOUGH IT LOOKS DIFFERENT,
THAT FLYING MACHINE

IS ACTUALLY
VERY MUCH LIKE OURS.

WE'LL LOOK AROUND AND SEE IF
WE CAN FIND A CLIFF LIKE THAT

TO LAUNCH YOU FROM,

TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF THE AIR CURRENTS.

I GUESS THERE WERE
NO AIR CURRENTS THAT DAY.

IT SHOULD'VE FLOWN.

LIGHTS.

THE IMPORTAN THING, LEON,
THAT WE'VE LEARNED IS--

LEON?

LEON?!

WHAT ON EARTH
ARE YOU DOING?!

I'M TAKING OFF,

BUT WITH BOTH FEET
ON THE GROUND.

DIDN'T YOU LEARN ANYTHING
FROM THE FILM?

SURE. I LEARNED
WHAT KIND OF A BIRD I AM--

CHICKEN.

[Stanley chattering]

YOU KNOW, LEON,
THIS MAN-POWERED FLIGHT PROJECT

IS MAKING YOU THE HERO
OF THE CAMPUS.

ALL THE GIRLS SIGH
WHENEVER YOUR NAME IS MENTIONED.

THEY DO?

AND SO DO I.

YOU DO?

YOU DO?

(Jennifer)
JUST THINK,

A MAN FLYIING
UNDER HIS OWN POWER.

AH, I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT IT.

IT'S FOR THE BIRDS.

OH, IT'S SUCH
A ROMANTIC IDEA,

LIKE THE CONQUEST
OF SPACE,

LIKE THOSE
ADORABLE ASTRONAUTS,

LIKE THE PIONEERS
OF THE AMERICAN WEST,

LIKE THE BOLD EXPLORERS

WHO FIRST CHARTED
THE POLAR REGIONS.

YOUR NAME
WILL GO DOWN IN HISTORY

ALONGSIDE THE OTHER
GREAT ONES--COLUMBUS,

LINDBERGH,
AND THAT LITTLE DOG

THE RUSSIANS
FIRST SHOT INTO SPACE.

WHAT WAS
THE LITTLE DOG'S NAME?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

BUT YOUR NAME WILL BE
REMEMBERED FOREVER.

IT WILL?

YOU MEAN LIKE COLUMBUS?

AND LINDBERGH?

AND THAT
LITTLE RUSSIAN DOG?

WHEN DO WE TAKE OFF?
TOMORROW.

THAT'S TOO SOON.

IT'S ONLY A TEST FLIGHT

TO GIVE YOU CONFIDENCE
AND EXPERIENCE.

FOR THE OFFICIAL FLIGHT,
OF COURSE,

YOU'LL HAVE TO TAKE OFF
UNDER YOUR OWN POWER.

BUT TOMORROW
WE'RE GOING TO LAUNCH YOU

FROM THE TOP OF A CAR
GOING 90 MILES AN HOUR.

90 MILES AN HOUR?!

YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF GOING
90 MILES AN HOUR, NOT YOU.

WELL, IT'S JUST
THAT IT'S ILLEGAL, A-AND IT'S--

YES, I'M AFRAID.

AW, DON'T LET THE
90-MILE-AN-HOUR PART SCARE YOU.

WE'LL LAUNCH YOU AT 60.

SMILE, LEON.

YOU LOOK AS THOUGH
YOU'VE BEEN SENTENCED TO DEATH.

WELL, NOW THAT
YOU MENTION IT.

LEON, I'M GOING TO ELIMINATE
YOUR FEARS.

YOU'RE CALLING
THE WHOLE THING OFF?

NO, MERLIN'S GOING TO PREPARE
YOU PSYCHOLOGICALLY.

CONSIDER THE BUMBLEBEE.

NOW SCIENTISTS KNOW THAT
IT'S AERODYNAMICALLY UNSOUND

AND SHOULDN'T BE ABLE
TO FLY.

BUT THE BUMBLEBEE
DOESN'T KNOW IT.

SO HE GOES
AND FLIES ANYWAY.

AND THE BIRD DOESN'T WORRY

ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT
HE CAN GET OFF THE GROUND.

HE JUST TAKES OFF
AND FLIES.

AND MERLIN WANTS YOU
TO THINK LIKE A BIRD.

HOW DO I DO THAT?
WE'RE GOING TO HELP YOU.

YOU'RE GOING TO SLEEP HERE,
AND I'LL SING TO YOU ALL NIGHT.

OH.
AND WILL YOU HOLD MY HAND?

OH, I'M NOT GOING TO BE HERE.
I'LL SING TO YOU ON A RECORD.

OH, I SEE.
IT'S SLEEP
LEARNING, LEON,

THE SAME TECHNIQUE THAT GOT YOU
AN "A" IN ENGLISH LIT.

THAT'S HOW YOU'RE GOING TO LEARN
TO THINK LIKE A BIRD.

AND TOMORROW YOU'LL BE THE FIRST
MAN TO FLY UNDER HIS OWN POWER.

[chattering]
THERE YOU ARE, LEON.
NOW, TO BED WE GO.

JUST RELAX,
AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.

JUST EMPTY YOUR MIND.

THAT'S IT.
VERY GOOD.

I CAN SEE
BY THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE,

YOU DON'T HAVE
A THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD.

JUST KEEP IT THAT WAY.

YOUR HEAD
IS AN EMPTY CUP,

WHICH WE WILL FILL WITH
THE THOUGHTS WE WANT IN IT.

GOOD NIGHT, LEON.

PLEASANT DREAMS.

(Jennifer on record player)
HELLO, LEON.

I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

JUST SAY TO YOURSELF,

"I CAN FLY LIKE A HAWK."

* NEVER WALK, I JUST FLY

* I CAN FLY LIKE A THRUSH

* IN A RUSH THROUGH THE SKY

* AS SWIFTLY AS AN ARROW

* AS GENTLY AS A SPARROW

* I CAN FLY

* I CAN FLY

* I CAN FLY *

[birds honking]

[honking continues]

[honks]

[pigeon cooing]

[squawking]

[crow cawing]

[caws]

OH.

OKAY, LEON,
HERE WE GO.

UH, JENNIFER?

YES, LEON?

SING TO ME AGAIN.

ALL RIGHT, LEON.

* I CAN FLY LIKE A HAWK

* NEVER WALK,
I JUST FLY *

* I CAN FLY LIKE A THRUSH

* IN A RUSH
THROUGH THE SKY *

[both singing]
* AS SWIFTLY AS AN ARROW

* AS GENTLY AS A SPARROW

* I CAN FLY

* I CAN FLY

* I CAN FLY

HE'S OKAY NOW.

STANLEY, BE SURE
AND TRIP THE RELEASE
[engine turning]

AS SOON
AS I PUT ON THE BRAKE.

* I CAN FLY LIKE A HAWK

* NEVER WALK, I JUST FLY

25...

30...

35...

40...

(Leon)
* I CAN FLY LIKE A HAWK

* NEVER WALK, I JUST FLY

* I CAN FLY LIKE A THRUSH

* IN A RUSH THROUGH THE SKY

52...

54...

* I CAN FLY, I CAN FLY

60!

[brakes squeal]
WHEE!

YOU'VE DONE IT!
YOU'VE DONE IT!

* I CAN FLY LIKE A HAWK

* NEVER WALK, I JUST FLY

* I CAN FLY LIKE A THRUSH

* IN A RUSH THROUGH THE SKY

* AS SWIFTLY
AS AN ARROW *

* AS GENTLY AS A SPARROW

* I CAN FLY

* I CAN FLY

* I CAN FLY

MERLIN, CAN I ASK
A DUMB QUESTION?
SURE.

HOW DOES HE LAND?

THAT'S THE ONE BUG
I HAVEN'T IRONED OUT YET.

* I CAN FLY

[breathing heavily]

I CAN FLY.

I CAN...

FLY?

FLY?!

I CAN'T FLY!

HE'S FALLING!

DON'T PANIC!
LAND ON THIS!

RIGHT THERE, MERLIN.

RIGHT THERE, RIGHT--NO.
HEY!

OVER HERE, MERLIN!

THAT'S THE WRONG WAY!

THIS WAY!

GET THAT THING
UNDER ME!

MERLIN, HELP ME!
QUICK!

FASTER.

GO FASTER.
FASTER, FASTER, FASTER!

(Merlin)
I'M GOING QUICK.
DON'T WORRY!

RUN FASTER, MERLIN.

COME ON!

RUN FASTER, PLEASE!

TH--THAT'S IT, MERLIN.

BUT RUN FASTER!

FASTER!

FASTER!

OH!

UNH!

HELP!

HELP!
SOMEBODY HELP!

LOOK OUT
FOR THE HOG WALLOW!

WHAT HOG WALLOW?!

OH!

AAAH!

OH, LEON!

[laughing]
[pigs squealing]

LEON, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

SAY SOMETHING, LEON.
WHY DOESN'T HE SAY ANYTHING?

LEON, SAY SOMETHING.
ALL RIGHT, I WILL.

I DON'T WANT
A MEMORIAL STADIUM.

I DON'T WANT TO GO DOWN
IN HISTORY

WITH COLUMBUS
AND THE PIONEERS

AND THAT LITTLE RUSSIAN DOG
WHOSE NAME YOU CAN'T REMEMBER.

I QUIT!

K-W-I-T, "KWIT"!

[groans]

[spits]

OH, MRS. GOSSETT,
ARE YOU SURE

THERE'VE BEEN
NO CALLS FOR ME?

THAT'S THE THIRD TIME
YOU'VE ASKED IN THE LAST HOUR.

THIS IS GOOD. BEST EATIN' I HAD
SINCE I LEFT NEW ENGLAND.

THANK YOU.
PLEASE HAVE SOME MORE.

UH, NO, THANKS.
I HAD THREE HELPINGS ALREADY.

FOUR.

OH, OH, BUT WHO COUNTS?
[laughing]

[doorbell rings]
UH, I'LL GET IT.

THE TEST--
HOW DID IT GO?

IT WASN'T THAT BAD...

WAS IT, JENNIFER?

BUT...

MERLIN, THE IMPORTANT THING IS,
YOU MUST NOT GIVE UP.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE A MAN FLYING
WITHIN TWO DAYS,

MIDVALE COLLEGE
LOSES $10 MILLION

AND ITS FOOTBALL TEAM.

JUDGE, TRY
AND UNDERSTAND.

I TRIED TO GET AROUND THE LAWS
OF AERODYNAMICS AND FAILED.

THE PROJECT WAS DOOMED
FROM THE START!

[whispering]
SHH, QUIET, MERLIN.

WE DON'T WANT MR. GREEN
TO GET DISCOURAGED.

[whispering]
WHAT ABOUT ME?

I'M DISCOURAGED
UP TO HERE.

OH, BUT THAT'S DIFFERENT.

DON'T YOU THINK EINSTEIN
WAS DISCOURAGED

BEFORE HE DISCOVERED...
WHATEVER IT WAS HE DISCOVERED.

BUT DID HE GIVE UP?
NO, HE DID NOT.

HE KEPT RIGHT ON
UNTIL HE DISCOVERED

W-W-WHATEVER IT WAS
HE DISCOVERED.

JUDGE, LISTEN,
"A," THE TEST FLIGHT WAS A BUST.

"B," LEON QUIT.
"C," I QUIT.

I'M SORRY, JUDGE.

WAIT A MINUTE,
JENNIFER.

IT'S UP TO YOU NOW.

YOU MUST GET MERLIN
BACK ON THE TRACK.

[whispering]
BUT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY--

LISTEN, BEHIND EVERY MAN
WHO EVER ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING,

THERE'S A WOMAN
NAGGING HIM ON TO SUCCESS.

ON YOUR FAIR SHOULDERS

RESTS THE FORTUNE
OF MIDVALE COLLEGE.

YOU MUST PERSUADE MERLIN
NOT TO GIVE UP.

PERSUADE HIM?
HOW?

GIRLS ARE BORN KNOWING HOW,
ESPECIALLY THE PRETTY ONES.

(Merlin)
COMING, JEN?

GOOD NIGHT, JUDGE.

GOOD NIGHT.

THIS IS THE FINEST CIGAR
I EVER SMOKED.

I'M GLAD
YOU'RE ENJOYING IT.

THOUGHT I HEARD MERLIN.
WAS THAT MERLIN?

MERLIN?
OH, MERLIN.

YES, THAT WAS MERLIN.

WELL, HOW DID
THE TEST FLIGHT GO?

MARVELOUSLY.

IT WAS A SMASHING SUCCESS,

ABSOLUTELY SMASHING.

WHAT MORE CAN I DO, JEN?
I'VE TRIED AND FAILED.

QUITTERS NEVER WIN,
AND WINNERS NEVER QUIT.

MAN CAN'T FLY
UNDER HIS OWN POWER.

LOOK, IF YOU LIKE,
I CAN SHOW YOU MATHEMATICALLY

WHY THIS IS
AERODYNAMICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

I DON'T CARE
ABOUT ALL THAT.

I JUST KNOW
YOU CAN DO IT.

BUT GREAT MINDS
THROUGHOUT THE AGES

HAVE TRIED TO SOLVE
THIS PROBLEM--

ICARUS,
LEONARDO DA VINCI.

AND NOW MERLIN JONES.

THAT'S YOU, DEAR.

NO, MAN-POWERED FLIGHT'S
IMPOSSIBLE.

NOTHING'S IMPOSSIBLE
FOR YOU.

THIS IS.

JEN, I'VE GOT
TO FACE THE FACTS.

I DESIGNED THE BEST POSSIBLE
FLYING MACHINE I COULD,

BUT IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

AND WHY WASN'T IT GOOD ENOUGH?
BECAUSE MAN ISN'T STRONG ENOUGH.

THEN WHY DON'T YOU
MAKE MAN STRONGER.

JEN.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.

YOU JUST PUT YOUR FINGER ON IT
WITH YOUR DUMB QUESTION.

ON WHAT?

[growling]
OH!

MERLIN!

OH!

MERLIN!

MERLIN, I DIDN'T MEAN
TO HURT YOU.

I WAS SCARED.

I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS DOING.

YOU DID JUST
WHAT I WANTED YOU TO.

YOU MEAN
YOU WANTED ME TO...
I FRIGHTENED YOU.

AND THE FEAR SENT A SURGE OF
ADRENALINE INTO YOUR BLOODSTREAM

THE ADRENALINE
MADE YOUR HEART BEAT FASTER

AND RELEASED SUGAR
INTO YOUR CIRCULATORY SYSTEM,

PROVIDING YOU
WITH A TEMPORARY SUPER ENERGY,

A SUPERSTRENGTH.

MERLIN, ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?

I'M FINE.
DON'T YOU SEE, JEN?

IF YOU DID THE SAME THING NOW
THAT THE MOMENT OF FEAR IS GONE,

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A FRACTION
OF THE POWER IN YOUR PUNCH.

YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE
TO HURT ME AT ALL.

I DON'T WANT
TO HURT YOU.

JEN, WILL YOU TRY
AND BE SCIENTIFIC FOR A MINUTE

AND NOT JUST FEMININE?

DON'T YOU SEE? ADRENALINE
IS THE ANSWER TO OUR PROBLEM,

BECAUSE IT
MAKES MEN STRONGER.

REMEMBER WHEN I DID THIS?

[growling]

STOP THAT!

LEAVE THAT GIRL ALONE!

AAH!

I TRUST, YOUNG LADY,
THAT BRUTE DIDN'T HURT YOU.

YOU HURT HIM!

OH!

YOU SEE, JEN?
ADRENALINE AGAIN!

ANGER WORKS
THE SAME WAY AS FEAR,

AND WITH ADRENALINE
IN YOUR BLOODSTREAM,

YOU'RE AS STRONG
AS AN OVERGROWN GORILLA.

MERLIN JONES.
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN.

OH, BUT, MR. DEARBORNE--

OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

STAY AWAY FROM ME,
YOU FEMALE MONSTER, YOU.

BUT, MISTER--

ONE STEP NEARER,
AND I SHALL YELL FOR THE POLICE.

I JUST WANTED
TO EXPLAIN.
NO, NO!

[laughs]

COME ON,
WE GOT WORK TO DO.

(Merlin)
WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO

IS SYNTHESIZE
AN ADRENALINE DERIVATIVE

THAT WON'T JUST GIVE A BURST
OF SUPERSTRENGTH,

BUT WILL PRODUCE
A SUSTAINED SURGE OF POWER.

BUT YOU'VE BEEN WORKING
ON THIS ALMOST ALL NIGHT.

WOULDN'T BE EASIER
TO MAKE A PERSON ANGRY?

BUT YOU COULDN'T KEEP
HIM ANGRY,

ESPECIALLY AFTER
HE WERE AIRBORNE.

NOW, THEN...

LIQUID STRENGTH.

NOW, LET'S SEE
IF IT WORKS.

OH, NO! I'M NOT GOING
TO LET YOU TAKE IT.

THAT'S STANLEY'S JOB,
ISN'T IT, STANLEY?

YOU SEE?
HE LIKES IT.

[growling loudly]

[grunting loudly]

LOOK AT THAT.

[accordion noises]

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

[metal warping]

[chattering wildly]

THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH, STANLEY.
YOU PROVED YOUR POINT.

STANLEY!
PUT THAT DOWN AT ONCE!

[growling]

[chattering wildly]

WELL, ANYWAY, THIS MEANS
THAT WITH LIQUID STRENGTH,

MAN-POWERED FLIGHT
WILL WORK.

I'LL CALL THE JUDGE
AND TELL HIM

TO HAVE DARIUS GREEN
ON THE FIELD IN THE MORNING

AND TO MAKE SURE HE BRINGS
HIS CHECKBOOK WITH HIM.

BUT LEON QUIT.
WE DON'T NEED LEON.

NOW THAT WE HAVE LIQUID
STRENGTH, I CAN DO IT MYSELF.

OH, MERLIN,
YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT
WITHOUT YOU.

YOU ASKED THE MOST BRILLIANT
DUMB QUESTIONS

OF ANYONE I KNOW.

OH, THAT'S THE NICEST THING
YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME.

JEN, YOU'RE
REALLY WONDERFUL.

MERLIN!

STANLEY, PUT ME DOWN.

STANLEY,
YOU PUT MERLIN DOWN.
PUT ME DOWN.

COME ON, NOW, PUT ME DOWN.

PUT HIM DOWN.
STANLEY.

STANLEY, PUT HIM DOWN.
STANLEY, COME ON.

STANLEY.
YOU PUT HIM DOWN
THIS MINUTE.

STANLEY, PUT ME DOWN.

LET ME SAY, MR. GREEN,
HOW GRATEFUL WE ARE

FOR YOUR
VERY GENEROUS OFFER.

OH, NOTHING TO IT.

THAT YOUNG FELLA THERE CAN CLEAR
MY GRANDDADDY'S NAME,

WORTH EVERY PENNY
I HAVE IN THE WORLD.

WELL, COME AND SIT DOWN,
MR. GREEN.

WE'RE ABOUT READY
TO START.

HARDLY LOOKS LIKE A MAN

WITH MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
TO GIVE AWAY.

CAN'T TELL A MAN'S WEALTH
BY HIS LOOKS,

ONLY BY HIS BANK ACCOUNT.

BUT LOOK
AT HIS CLOTHES.

THAT'S THE WAY
THESE RICH ECCENTRICS ARE.

THE MORE MONEY
THEY'VE GOT,

THE MORE DEPLORABLE
THEIR CLOTHES.

UH, HAVE A CIGAR.

[chuckles]
THANKS.

SHALL WE, UH, GO AHEAD?

UH, YEAH.

TAKE OFF WHEN READY!

A-OKAY!

GOOD LUCK, MERLIN.

THANKS, JEN.

PLEASE BE CAREFUL.

AH.

[gulps]

[exhaling deeply]

OFF WE GO.

[whirring]

[chattering]

[chattering]

[whirring continues]

[chattering]

[chattering loudly]

[whirring intensifies]

[chattering]

HE MADE IT!

I SURE WISH MY GRANDDADDY
COULD SEE HIM NOW.

LOOK OUT!

LOOK AT THAT.
HE CAN STAY UP THERE FOR HOURS.

ISN'T HE WONDERFUL?

I'M GETTING SO SURE
OF THAT YOUNG FELLA

THAT I'M GONNA WRITE OUT
THIS CHECK RIGHT HERE AND NOW.

OH, THERE'S NO HURRY,
BUT HERE'S THE PEN.

[laughs]

WELL, I DON'T EXPECT
WE'LL NEED

ASTERBILT'S SMALL CHANGE NOW,
RIGHT, GENTLEMEN?

QUITE RIGHT.
THAT'S THE END
OF ASTERBILT.

AND WE CAN KEEP FOOTBALL
AT MIDVALE.

HERE YOU ARE, JUDGE.

THANK YOU, MR. GREEN.

[gasps]

THIS IS NOT
FOR $10 MILLION.

NO. HE'S DOING
SO WELL UP THERE,

I THOUGHT
I'D UP THE ANTE.

[whirring continues]

HE DOUBLED IT!

HE PUT $20 MILLION!

$20 MILLION.

WHERE'S DEARBORNE?
I'D LIKE HIM TO SEE THAT CHECK.

HE SAID HE MIGHT BE
A LITTLE LATE,

BUT THAT HE'D BE HERE.

UH, YOU KNOW
SOMETHING, JUDGE?

I NEVER THOUGHT
HE'D DO IT.

OH, I NEVER HAD ANY DOUBTS.
MERLIN'S A VERY BRILLIANT BOY.

HE ALWAYS
SEEMED SHATTER-PATED TO ME.

SHATTER-PATED?

UH, TOUCHED,
ADDLED, MOONSTRUCK.

WELL, I CAN UNDERSTAND HOW
HE MIGHT GIVE THAT IMPRESSION.

YOU SEE, HIS MIND
IS ALWAYS PREOCCUPIED

WITH SCIENTIFIC PROBLEMS.

UH, THAT BUNCH
OVER THERE--

THEY'RE ALL
SHATTER-PATED, TOO.

[car door closes]
WELL, THEY'RE
VERY EXCITED.

IT ISN'T EVERY DAY THAT THEY SEE
A CHECK FOR $20 MILLION.

YOU KNOW
SOMETHING, JUDGE?

I'VE BEEN LOOKING AT YOU,
AND I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION

YOU'RE SHATTER-PATED, TOO.

HELLO, HENRY.
WE FOUND YOU AGAIN.

WALTER, TONY,

THIS IS
JUDGE HOLMSBY.

(Walter)
HI, JUDGE.

WELL, COME ALONG,
HENRY.

BUT, GENTLEMEN, YOU'RE MISTAKEN.
THIS IS MR. DARIUS GREEN.

DARIUS GREEN?
[chuckles]

ONCE HE WAS
ALEXANDER HAMILTON,

AND HE TRIED TO GIVE AWAY
THE UNITED STATES TREASURY.

[gasps]

DID HE OFFER YOU
ANY MONEY?

WELL, JUST--JUST $20 MILLION
FOR MIDVALE COLLEGE.

WELL, HE MUST HAVE
LIKED YOU.

HE ONLY OFFERED HARVARD
$5 MILLION.

[stammering]
YOU MEAN THE WHOLE THING...

HIS GENEROSITY
IS EQUALED ONLY BY HIS POVERTY.

UH-HUH.
COME ALONG, HENRY.

GOT TO HUMOR THEM, JUDGE.

THEY'RE NICE FELLOWS,
BUT THEY'RE BOTH SHATTER-PATED.

[laughs]

GOOD TO SEE YOU, TONY.
HIYA, WALTER.

(Judge Holmsby)
MERLIN!

MERLIN, IT'S ALL A MISTAKE!
THE DEAL'S OFF!

WHY?!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?!

MR. DARIUS GREEN DOESN'T HAVE
ANY MILLIONS TO GIVE!

HE'S SHATTER-PATED!

WE'RE ALL OF US
SHATTER-PATED!

OH, NO!

OH, NO!

MERLIN, BE CAREFUL!

[squealing]

HENRY, HENRY!

COME BACK!

[brakes squeal]

AHHH.

[laughs]
OH, YEAH.

MERLIN, ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, YEAH,
I'M ALL RIGHT.

WELL, JUDGE, THERE GOES FOOTBALL
AT MIDVALE.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
A MUD BATH?

[laughs]
NOW, TAKE IT EASY, JUDGE.

NO SENSE BEING
A BAD LOSER.

[laughing]

[laughing stops]
WHY, MR. ASTERBILT,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU,
DEARBORNE.

I'LL GIVE YOU THAT CHECK
RIGHT NOW.

(Dearborne)
OH, MR. ASTERBILT, THAT'S
VERY KIND OF YOU, INDEED.

WELL, I HAVE TO GO ALONG
WITH THESE SHATTER-PATED FELLAS.

SO I'LL JUST SIGN THIS,

AND YOU FILL IT IN NOW
FOR ANY AMOUNT YOU WANT.

COME ALONG.

BYE, DEARBORNE.

WHERE ARE THOSE MEN TAKING
MR. ASTERBILT?

[all laughing]

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH EVERYBODY?

MR. ASTERBILT
JUST GAVE ME A CHECK

FOR ANY AMOUNT I CARE TO NAME.

[laughing continues]

WELL, IF YOU'RE COLLECTING
HIS WORTHLESS CHECKS,

HERE'S ONE
FOR $20 MILLION.

OH.
OH, YES.
[laughing]

[laughing]

OH, YES, HE...

EASY COME, EASY...

GO.

[whimpering]

COME BACK, HENRY!

COME BACK!

[neighing]

HI-OH, SILVER!

AWAY!

(all)
HI-OH!

OH, COME BACK!

[all laughing]

COME BACK HERE, I SAY!