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1
00:00:09,313 --> 00:00:10,706
HAL:
Ow!
2
00:00:21,891 --> 00:00:23,023
Ow!
3
00:00:30,682 --> 00:00:31,901
Finally.
4
00:00:32,989 --> 00:00:35,339
All right, you stupid,
useless old man.
5
00:00:35,383 --> 00:00:37,863
There's going to be some
big changes around here.
6
00:00:37,907 --> 00:00:41,171
d Yes, no, maybe
7
00:00:41,215 --> 00:00:43,913
d I don't know
8
00:00:43,956 --> 00:00:47,351
d Can you repeat the question?
9
00:00:47,395 --> 00:00:49,440
d You're not the boss
of me now d
10
00:00:49,484 --> 00:00:51,921
d You're not
the boss of me now d
11
00:00:51,964 --> 00:00:54,097
d You're not the boss
of me now d
12
00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:56,273
d And you're not so big
13
00:00:56,317 --> 00:00:58,928
d You're not the boss
of me now d
14
00:00:58,971 --> 00:01:00,930
d You're not
the boss of me now d
15
00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:03,280
d You're not the boss
of me now d
16
00:01:03,324 --> 00:01:06,370
d And you're not so big
17
00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:10,418
d Life is unfair.
18
00:01:16,163 --> 00:01:17,773
Hal.
19
00:01:17,816 --> 00:01:19,253
Wake up. It's time.
20
00:01:19,296 --> 00:01:20,297
Already?
21
00:01:20,341 --> 00:01:21,907
The baby's not due
for a month.
22
00:01:21,951 --> 00:01:23,692
I told you it wasn't conceived
in the elevator.
23
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:25,955
It was Dewey's
parent-teacher conference.
24
00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:28,305
Here, there's something
in this one. Let's go.
25
00:01:28,349 --> 00:01:30,177
No, Hal,
I'm not having the baby.
26
00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:32,614
We said we'd finish
making out our will tonight.
27
00:01:32,657 --> 00:01:33,702
Tonight?
28
00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:35,356
I didn't agree to that.
29
00:01:35,399 --> 00:01:37,227
Besides, how do you know
you're not having the baby?
30
00:01:37,271 --> 00:01:38,272
You're not a doctor.
31
00:01:38,315 --> 00:01:39,403
Come on. I'll meet you there.
32
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:42,537
Hal, I have both sets
of car keys.
33
00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:44,974
And I took the seat
off your bike.
34
00:01:46,236 --> 00:01:47,629
Why do we have to do this
35
00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:49,500
in the middle
of the night anyway?
36
00:01:49,544 --> 00:01:51,546
I will not have the boys
see us writing a will.
37
00:01:51,589 --> 00:01:53,504
If they start thinking
about a future without us,
38
00:01:53,548 --> 00:01:55,202
we'll totally lose control.
39
00:01:55,245 --> 00:01:56,377
I'm telling you, Lois,
we are not equipped
40
00:01:56,420 --> 00:01:57,943
to deal with these issues.
41
00:01:57,987 --> 00:01:59,597
We get into a giant,
stupid fight
42
00:01:59,641 --> 00:02:01,295
every time we work
on the will.
43
00:02:01,338 --> 00:02:03,253
Hal, last time we tried
this was ten years ago.
44
00:02:03,297 --> 00:02:04,559
And it led to a fight.
45
00:02:04,602 --> 00:02:06,822
You called me thin-skinned
and overly sensitive.
46
00:02:06,865 --> 00:02:09,389
Hal, you can stall all night,
but we are going to do this.
47
00:02:09,433 --> 00:02:11,305
Fine.
I'll get a pencil.
48
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:04,488
This pencil's too short.
49
00:03:04,532 --> 00:03:05,228
Hal.
50
00:03:05,272 --> 00:03:06,621
Oh, all right.
51
00:03:06,664 --> 00:03:07,926
Just remember,
52
00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:09,450
we're not doing this
for ourselves.
53
00:03:09,493 --> 00:03:11,060
We're doing this
for the children.
54
00:03:11,103 --> 00:03:14,019
What if there was a terrible
accident and we had no plan?
55
00:03:14,063 --> 00:03:16,587
Our poor boys would be
alone and defenseless.
56
00:03:16,631 --> 00:03:18,067
And I guess
you kids
57
00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:19,590
really didn't do any major harm,
58
00:03:19,634 --> 00:03:21,201
so I've decided
to let you off...
59
00:03:34,170 --> 00:03:36,303
Okay, tangible assets.
60
00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:38,392
How do we expect
to find anything?
61
00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:39,871
We just shove stuff
in boxes.
62
00:03:39,915 --> 00:03:41,743
Look, there's
a fortune cookie in here.
63
00:03:41,786 --> 00:03:43,397
Wait, here's something
we already did.
64
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:44,398
This'll save time.
65
00:03:44,441 --> 00:03:45,747
We already decided Malcolm
66
00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:47,357
gets the coin collection.
67
00:03:47,401 --> 00:03:49,098
Great.
What coin collection?
68
00:03:49,141 --> 00:03:51,883
You remember that proof set
we had hidden in the closet?
69
00:03:51,927 --> 00:03:54,059
The one that Dewey found
and swallowed...
70
00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:56,671
Oh, yeah, that was 500 bucks
down the drain.
71
00:03:56,714 --> 00:03:59,282
And not one dime
in the strainer.
72
00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:00,457
Whatever happened
to the silver tea set?
73
00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:02,633
The boys pounded it
into a suit of armor.
74
00:04:02,677 --> 00:04:06,420
Wedding china, antique stemware,
hand-blown crystal butterflies.
75
00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:08,552
Why did we even buy those?
76
00:04:08,596 --> 00:04:11,381
Hal, we have fewer assets today
than we did ten years ago.
77
00:04:11,425 --> 00:04:12,295
We can't be
this broke.
78
00:04:12,339 --> 00:04:13,557
We just can't be.
79
00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:14,950
Where are
the bank statements?
80
00:04:14,993 --> 00:04:16,081
Right here.
81
00:04:16,125 --> 00:04:17,168
Checks and everything,
82
00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:18,997
but you are not going
to find anything helpful.
83
00:04:19,041 --> 00:04:20,651
By the way, I would
like it noted
84
00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:22,871
that I tried to avoid
this whole evening
85
00:04:22,914 --> 00:04:24,742
because I knew
this would happen.
86
00:04:24,786 --> 00:04:27,310
Maybe in the future,
you'll trust my judgment.
87
00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:31,358
You spent $300 on sequins?
88
00:04:32,489 --> 00:04:35,710
d And bad mistakes
89
00:04:35,753 --> 00:04:39,888
d I've made a few
90
00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:43,979
d I've had my share of sand
kicked in my face d
91
00:04:44,022 --> 00:04:46,373
d But I've come through
92
00:04:46,416 --> 00:04:50,725
d And we mean to go on
and on and on and ond
93
00:04:50,768 --> 00:04:57,688
d We are the champions,
my friends d
94
00:04:57,732 --> 00:05:05,043
d And we'll keep on fighting
till the end d
95
00:05:05,087 --> 00:05:12,834
d We are the champions,
we are the champ... d
96
00:05:12,877 --> 00:05:15,358
That was for the car.
97
00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:17,229
And what about this?
98
00:05:17,273 --> 00:05:21,016
$520 to the hospital
for toy extraction?
99
00:05:22,887 --> 00:05:25,629
Live, live, die.
100
00:05:25,673 --> 00:05:26,543
Live,
101
00:05:26,587 --> 00:05:28,415
live, live, live, die.
102
00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:30,068
You know, son,
103
00:05:30,112 --> 00:05:31,418
maybe you've
been spending too much...
104
00:05:31,461 --> 00:05:32,506
Silence.
105
00:05:32,549 --> 00:05:34,638
Seize him.
106
00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:42,254
All right, son,
107
00:05:42,298 --> 00:05:44,648
I think it's time
you goose-stepped off to bed.
108
00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:48,870
Dad, you're embarrassing me
in front of my men.
109
00:05:49,827 --> 00:05:51,046
Hal!
110
00:05:51,089 --> 00:05:53,657
Why is this still here?
111
00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:25,689
:
Ow.
112
00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:27,212
Oh, my God.
113
00:06:27,256 --> 00:06:29,127
Do you realize
how much money we spent
114
00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:30,433
sending Francis
to military school?
115
00:06:30,477 --> 00:06:32,130
That one we couldn't avoid.
116
00:06:32,174 --> 00:06:33,436
He needed the discipline.
117
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,351
No! No, no!
118
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:38,876
Now we are going to do this
until you get it right.
119
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,096
All right, now once more.
120
00:06:41,139 --> 00:06:42,924
With feeling.
121
00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:44,273
And...
122
00:06:44,316 --> 00:06:47,102
d Candyman...
123
00:06:47,145 --> 00:06:51,628
d Hey, Candyman
124
00:06:51,672 --> 00:06:54,065
d Who can take a sunrise...
125
00:06:54,109 --> 00:06:55,458
d Who can take
a sunrise...d
126
00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:57,242
d Sprinkle it with dew
127
00:06:57,286 --> 00:06:59,375
d Ooh-ooh-oohd
128
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:02,639
d Cover it with chocolate
and a miracle or two? d
129
00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:04,380
d Candyman...
130
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,730
d Candyma-and
131
00:07:06,774 --> 00:07:08,645
d The Candyman can...
132
00:07:08,689 --> 00:07:10,299
d The Candyman cand
133
00:07:10,342 --> 00:07:13,476
d The Candyman can
'cause he mixes it with love d
134
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,392
d And makes the world
taste good d
135
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,654
d Oh-oh-ohd
136
00:07:17,698 --> 00:07:21,092
d The Candyman makes
everything he bakes d
137
00:07:21,136 --> 00:07:25,575
d Satisfying and delicious d Do-do-do-dod
138
00:07:25,619 --> 00:07:28,970
d Talk about
your childhood wishes d
139
00:07:29,013 --> 00:07:32,060
d You can even eat the dishes.
140
00:07:32,103 --> 00:07:33,627
Why would
a bank let us
141
00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:35,411
keep an account
this messed up?
142
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,282
There are checks
out of sequence...
143
00:07:37,326 --> 00:07:38,632
Look, a check
from next year.
144
00:07:38,675 --> 00:07:40,938
And this is two different
checks taped together.
145
00:07:40,982 --> 00:07:42,505
What difference
does it make, Lois?
146
00:07:42,549 --> 00:07:43,550
You know better than anybody.
147
00:07:43,593 --> 00:07:45,377
We are in the crapper.
148
00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:47,292
You sound like
you're blaming me.
149
00:07:47,336 --> 00:07:49,512
Oh, you're blaming me?
150
00:07:49,556 --> 00:07:51,819
BOTH:
We both agreed that you would
be in charge of the finances.
151
00:07:53,385 --> 00:07:55,083
This may be part of the problem.
152
00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:57,694
Okay, let's forget
about the finances.
153
00:07:57,738 --> 00:08:00,784
"Property transfer to
the surviving spouse."
154
00:08:00,828 --> 00:08:01,916
We can do this.
155
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:04,658
I think that whoever goes first,
the other one
156
00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:05,528
is going to want
to stay
157
00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:07,182
in the house
with the kids until...
158
00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:08,444
What?
159
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,793
Nothing.
160
00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:11,316
Why are you looking
at me like that?
161
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,362
No, I'm just, you know...
162
00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:15,973
just I've always known that...
163
00:08:16,017 --> 00:08:18,106
you'll die first.
164
00:08:18,149 --> 00:08:19,934
What?
165
00:08:19,977 --> 00:08:21,544
And then I'll commit suicide
a few days later.
166
00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:23,241
I don't want to live
without you, Lois.
167
00:08:23,285 --> 00:08:24,591
What?!Oh, don't act
so surprised.
168
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:26,897
We both know
what I'm talking about.
169
00:08:26,941 --> 00:08:28,246
No, I...
170
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:30,118
You're wishing me dead?
171
00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:31,946
Why would you say such a thing?
172
00:08:31,989 --> 00:08:34,557
Oh, and there is no reaction
at all to my suicide.
173
00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:35,905
Oh, that's a real eye-opener.
174
00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:38,561
What makes you think that
I am going to die first?
175
00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:41,346
Honey, you just have
that kind of personality.
176
00:08:41,390 --> 00:08:44,567
You operate at
a very high level of stress.
177
00:08:45,742 --> 00:08:47,788
Are you aborigines?!
178
00:08:47,831 --> 00:08:49,703
I have had it!
179
00:08:49,746 --> 00:08:52,706
Fire? Fire?!
180
00:08:52,749 --> 00:08:55,230
Whose damn dog is this?!
181
00:08:55,273 --> 00:08:57,188
I said whose damn dog is this?!
182
00:08:57,232 --> 00:08:59,451
This is the property line!
183
00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:03,194
The property line!
The property line!
184
00:09:03,238 --> 00:09:06,415
You can't cross
the property line!
185
00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:09,026
Come out here and apologize
to me like an adult!
186
00:09:10,854 --> 00:09:14,989
Oh, that's real mature.
187
00:09:15,032 --> 00:09:17,600
I can't believe
that you are wishing me dead
188
00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:19,646
and insulting my personality.
189
00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:21,386
Calm down, Lois.
190
00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:23,040
I am just pointing out
191
00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:26,000
that I am the far more
relaxed person.
192
00:09:52,722 --> 00:09:53,897
Get in the car and go.
193
00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:11,523
Shut up!
194
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:13,308
I just don't
let the stress get to me.
195
00:10:13,351 --> 00:10:15,919
I haven't had any special
training; it's just my way.
196
00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:17,051
You are going
to pay for this.
197
00:10:17,094 --> 00:10:19,053
Oh, see, that kind of comment
doesn't help anyone.
198
00:10:19,096 --> 00:10:22,534
I'm sorry, I only just learned
that I am a human time bomb.
199
00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:23,797
And you're not
the least bit curious
200
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:24,841
about how I'm going to do it?
201
00:10:24,885 --> 00:10:26,887
Oh, you are not going to
kill yourself.
202
00:10:26,930 --> 00:10:29,063
You can't even rip off
your own Band-Aids.
203
00:10:29,106 --> 00:10:32,457
I happen to be very hairy,
but this is different.
204
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:33,763
I have thought this through.
205
00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:37,375
It is going to be beautiful
and romantic
206
00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:41,336
and it's going to make
everyone forget about
your stupid funeral.
207
00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:43,555
Shh! The boys.
208
00:10:44,948 --> 00:10:46,907
Ow!
209
00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:48,256
Shh! You can't handle that.
210
00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:49,692
How are you going
to kill yourself?
211
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:50,650
You startled me!
212
00:10:51,389 --> 00:10:52,521
Ow! Stop it.
213
00:10:52,564 --> 00:10:53,348
Shh.
214
00:10:53,391 --> 00:10:54,479
Ow!
215
00:10:54,523 --> 00:10:55,742
Shh! How you like that?
216
00:10:55,785 --> 00:10:56,264
Ow!
217
00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:57,265
Shh! Ow!
218
00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:58,919
Shh!
Ow!
219
00:10:58,962 --> 00:11:00,094
Ow!
Shh!
220
00:11:00,137 --> 00:11:01,922
Ow!
Shh!
221
00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:09,756
Okay.
222
00:11:09,799 --> 00:11:13,803
I think we both have
a lot to apologize for.
223
00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:16,371
I am sorry
for pulling your hair.
224
00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:18,373
I'm not proud
of the Dutch rub...
225
00:11:18,416 --> 00:11:20,375
or the ear twisting.
226
00:11:20,418 --> 00:11:22,203
See? We're back on
the path to adulthood.
227
00:11:22,246 --> 00:11:23,857
Let's get to work.I agree.
228
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,380
Let's stop and go to bed.
229
00:11:25,423 --> 00:11:26,424
Hal, sit down.
230
00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:27,556
We're past the worst of it.
231
00:11:27,599 --> 00:11:28,775
Okay. In the event
232
00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:30,951
of death of bothparents,
233
00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:33,170
who do we want to appoint
as a guardian?
234
00:11:33,214 --> 00:11:34,998
My family's out.
235
00:11:35,042 --> 00:11:36,521
Well, they're not going
to my family.
236
00:11:36,565 --> 00:11:37,784
Hello.
237
00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:40,308
Ow!
238
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:41,875
Ow!
239
00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:45,748
Ow!
240
00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:47,141
Grandma.
241
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:50,100
Ooh, geez.
242
00:11:50,144 --> 00:11:51,885
Shouldn't we have
more choices?
243
00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:53,669
Doesn't it seem
if we die,
244
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,192
there should be
more people willing
245
00:11:55,236 --> 00:11:56,541
to give our kids a home?
246
00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:02,025
You want to see a strike?
247
00:12:02,069 --> 00:12:03,635
Malcolm, what
are you doing?
248
00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:04,811
Look at me.
249
00:12:04,854 --> 00:12:06,029
I'm the world's greatest bowler.
250
00:12:06,073 --> 00:12:08,205
I care so much about bowling.
251
00:12:08,249 --> 00:12:10,817
Bowling is so important.
252
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,123
Malcolm, come back here.
253
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,691
You want a strike,
I'll give you a strike.
254
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,824
Here's your damn strike.
255
00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:32,273
Where is he going?
256
00:12:33,709 --> 00:12:35,667
d The faster we're falling
257
00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:37,452
d We're stopping, stalling
258
00:12:37,495 --> 00:12:41,673
d We're running
in circles again d
259
00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:43,850
d Just as things
were looking up d
260
00:12:43,893 --> 00:12:45,808
d You said
it wasn't good enough d
261
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:51,031
d But still we're trying
one more time d
262
00:12:51,074 --> 00:12:53,424
d Maybe we're just
trying too hard d
263
00:12:53,468 --> 00:12:57,777
d When really it's closer
than it is too far... d
264
00:12:59,735 --> 00:13:00,954
Wow. Nice.
265
00:13:00,997 --> 00:13:02,825
It was.
266
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:07,090
d 'Cause I'm in too deep
and I'm trying to keep d
267
00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:11,051
d Up above in my head,
instead of going under... d
268
00:13:11,094 --> 00:13:13,140
Reese, that was amazing.
269
00:13:14,576 --> 00:13:17,884
Listen, when the kids at
school ask you about this...
270
00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:20,060
...tell them I got
under your bra.
271
00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:29,678
Give 'em a reason.
272
00:13:29,721 --> 00:13:31,723
REPORTER:
The suspect appears
to be resisting.
273
00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:33,073
Oh. It looks like
274
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:34,639
they're taking out
the pepper spray.
275
00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:40,776
d Can you hear the drums,
Fernando? d
276
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:45,520
d I remember long ago another
starry night like this d
277
00:13:47,391 --> 00:13:52,092
d In the firelight, Fernando
278
00:13:52,135 --> 00:13:54,572
d You were humming
to yourself d
279
00:13:54,616 --> 00:13:57,662
d And softly
strumming your guitar d
280
00:13:57,706 --> 00:13:59,926
d I could hear
the distant drums d
281
00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:06,019
d And sounds of bugle calls
were coming from afar d
282
00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:09,674
d There was something
in the air that night d
283
00:14:09,718 --> 00:14:14,027
d The stars were bright,
Fernando d
284
00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:18,161
d They were shining there
for you and me d
285
00:14:18,205 --> 00:14:22,296
d For liberty, Fernando
286
00:14:22,339 --> 00:14:26,126
d Though we never thought
that we could lose d
287
00:14:26,169 --> 00:14:29,825
d There's no regret
288
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:33,176
d If I had
to do the same again d
289
00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:35,352
d I would, my friend...
290
00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:45,493
Well, there's one bright
spot in all of this.
291
00:14:45,536 --> 00:14:47,016
We finally agree
on something.
292
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:48,800
There's no one to
take care of our kids.
293
00:14:48,844 --> 00:14:52,065
You're not going
to even mention Francis?
294
00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:53,805
Let's go to bed.
295
00:14:53,849 --> 00:14:55,851
No. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
296
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,157
Why won't you even consider it?
297
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:58,506
Hal, this is hard enough
298
00:14:58,549 --> 00:15:00,160
without you getting
us sidetracked.
299
00:15:00,203 --> 00:15:01,509
This isn't about Francis.
300
00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:03,032
This is about our children.
301
00:15:03,076 --> 00:15:04,555
You know what I mean.
302
00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:06,383
Why is Francis such a bad idea?
303
00:15:06,427 --> 00:15:08,211
He's working, he's married.
304
00:15:08,255 --> 00:15:09,560
He's showing responsibility.
305
00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:10,822
Look, I will be the first
306
00:15:10,866 --> 00:15:12,999
to admit that Francis
was not the easiest kid
307
00:15:13,042 --> 00:15:15,218
for you to deal with,
but he has changed.
308
00:15:15,262 --> 00:15:17,220
Oh, yeah. Big change.
309
00:15:17,264 --> 00:15:19,005
He quit school,
moved 3,000 miles,
310
00:15:19,048 --> 00:15:21,616
and married someone that he
knew for exactly 20 minutes.
311
00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:22,660
You can't make
life decisions
312
00:15:22,704 --> 00:15:24,662
on a whim and be a good parent.
313
00:15:24,706 --> 00:15:28,231
A good parent understands
that actions have consequences.
314
00:15:28,275 --> 00:15:32,540
Lois, we are parents precisely
because we can't remember that.
315
00:15:32,583 --> 00:15:34,194
You have never been able
to give him credit
316
00:15:34,237 --> 00:15:35,369
for anything good he does.
317
00:15:35,412 --> 00:15:37,110
Good he does? Like what?
318
00:15:37,153 --> 00:15:37,806
Like...
319
00:15:39,025 --> 00:15:41,418
Look, I am not
a performing seal, Lois.
320
00:15:41,462 --> 00:15:43,420
I can't just bark out
a list of good deeds
321
00:15:43,464 --> 00:15:45,118
while you take a bow
and throw me a mackerel
322
00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:46,684
out of your fanny pack.
323
00:15:46,728 --> 00:15:48,382
I can't talk to you
when you're hysterical.
324
00:15:48,425 --> 00:15:50,210
No, no, no. You can't
get out of this
325
00:15:50,253 --> 00:15:51,994
by playing the
"my husband is crazy" card.
326
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:53,865
It didn't work with
the airport security screener,
327
00:15:53,909 --> 00:15:55,215
and it is not going
to work now.
328
00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:57,173
I am stunnedthat
you are even thinking
329
00:15:57,217 --> 00:15:59,219
of having him take
care of the boys.
330
00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:01,482
He's the worst-behaved
of all of them.
331
00:16:16,888 --> 00:16:19,500
I love you somuch.
332
00:16:19,543 --> 00:16:21,067
Why don't you just admit it,
Lois?
333
00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:23,678
You have never liked Francis.
334
00:16:23,721 --> 00:16:24,722
Is it any surprise
335
00:16:24,766 --> 00:16:27,073
why he's been
such a mess growing up?
336
00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:29,423
You can't blame
the way Francis is on me.
337
00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:32,948
You-you honestlydon't see
your part in all of this?
338
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,124
Parents' weekend
at the military school.
339
00:16:35,168 --> 00:16:38,040
You two got into a sword fight.
340
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,302
You dragged him
341
00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:41,043
off the field in the middle
of a tee-ball game
342
00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:43,306
because you thought
he gave you a look.
343
00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:45,308
His first words were,
"Youshut up."
344
00:16:45,352 --> 00:16:48,181
Lois, you two have been
at each other's throats
345
00:16:48,224 --> 00:16:50,183
since the day he was born.
346
00:16:52,141 --> 00:16:54,317
He started it.
What?
347
00:16:54,361 --> 00:16:55,188
Nothing.
No, no.
348
00:16:55,231 --> 00:16:56,972
You said he started it.
What does that mean?
349
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:57,973
Just leave me alone.
350
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,496
How the hell can
a baby start anything?
351
00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:01,281
I don't know, Hal.
352
00:17:01,324 --> 00:17:02,412
It's just,
353
00:17:02,456 --> 00:17:04,153
everything started so badly
354
00:17:04,196 --> 00:17:05,502
right after he was born.
355
00:17:05,546 --> 00:17:06,502
What, the staph infection?
356
00:17:06,547 --> 00:17:08,288
What does that have
to do with anything?
357
00:17:08,330 --> 00:17:11,204
I was stuck in a hospital
without my baby.
358
00:17:11,247 --> 00:17:12,640
Completely isolated.
359
00:17:12,683 --> 00:17:14,163
For six weeks
360
00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:16,644
all I could do was lie there
and-and worry about him
361
00:17:16,686 --> 00:17:19,167
and think about how much
he needed me to nurse him
362
00:17:19,212 --> 00:17:20,734
and to... and to hold him.
363
00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:22,171
And when
they finally
364
00:17:22,214 --> 00:17:24,347
let me out, I run home
as fast as I can
365
00:17:24,391 --> 00:17:26,522
to take care
of poor little Francis,
366
00:17:26,567 --> 00:17:29,265
and when I get there,
I discover... he's happy.
367
00:17:29,309 --> 00:17:30,875
He couldn't
have cared less
368
00:17:30,919 --> 00:17:32,094
I was gone
all that time.
369
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:33,878
You were taking
care of him.
370
00:17:33,922 --> 00:17:35,228
He was happy
as a clam.
371
00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:37,882
I was just an intrusion.
372
00:17:37,926 --> 00:17:39,319
Honey, I had no idea...
373
00:17:39,362 --> 00:17:41,364
I know it's wrong
374
00:17:41,408 --> 00:17:43,584
and I know it's creepy
375
00:17:43,627 --> 00:17:46,065
and I can't help it.
376
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:49,329
I'm the worst mother
of all time.
377
00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:51,331
It's just as much my fault.
378
00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:54,247
We've just never
gotten this right.
379
00:17:54,290 --> 00:17:57,250
We are utter failures
as parents.
380
00:17:57,293 --> 00:17:59,121
I mean, look at this pigsty.
381
00:17:59,165 --> 00:18:00,340
Look at how we live.
382
00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:02,342
Why are we bothering
even making a will?
383
00:18:02,385 --> 00:18:04,344
All we can leave
our children is misery.
384
00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:08,174
We are a walking advertisement
for forced sterilization.
385
00:18:08,217 --> 00:18:12,352
Who are the idiots in Washington
that allowed us procreate?
386
00:18:12,395 --> 00:18:16,878
I mean, this family is
an unmitigated disaster.
387
00:18:19,010 --> 00:18:20,229
Oh!
388
00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:21,491
Aah!... Oh!
389
00:18:39,422 --> 00:18:40,728
Ow! Ow!
390
00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:41,772
Oh!
391
00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:52,261
Eat chalk, evildoer!
392
00:18:54,698 --> 00:18:56,178
DEWEY:
Ow!
393
00:18:56,222 --> 00:18:57,571
I hit my head!
394
00:18:57,614 --> 00:18:58,528
Ow!
395
00:18:58,572 --> 00:18:59,834
Shh.
396
00:18:59,877 --> 00:19:01,009
Honey, honey,
calm down.
397
00:19:01,052 --> 00:19:02,228
Let me have a look.
398
00:19:02,271 --> 00:19:03,316
It really hurts.
399
00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:04,317
It's bleeding,
isn't it?
400
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:05,405
I know it's bleeding.
401
00:19:05,448 --> 00:19:06,667
Dewey, what's 19 times five?
402
00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:08,321
I'm in... What?
403
00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:09,757
19 times five.
Try to figure it out.
404
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,237
Yeah.Well...
405
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:14,327
Ten times
five is 50, so...County or St. John's?
406
00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:16,329
St. John's. Pediatric
emergency opened again.
407
00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:19,201
Okay, Dewey,
everything's going to be fine.
408
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:20,333
Yeah, for Dr. Flannery.
Please tell him
409
00:19:20,376 --> 00:19:22,117
my son Dewey got
a bad bump on his head.
410
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,684
My husband will meet him
at St. John's.
411
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:26,121
They'll be there
in ten minutes.
412
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,862
Okay, sport.
Field trip.
413
00:19:29,342 --> 00:19:31,126
Can I have a box
of apple juice?
414
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,302
Oh, all we have
is apple-cherry.
415
00:19:33,346 --> 00:19:34,869
Of course that's
all we have.
416
00:19:34,912 --> 00:19:37,176
We're the worst parents
in the world.
417
00:19:40,396 --> 00:19:43,094
Oh, I'm sorry. Did you just
call my wife "wide ride"?
418
00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:44,922
I get it. You got to
make a big show for...
419
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,143
Now, you are going
420
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,231
to get up and
apologize...
421
00:19:51,146 --> 00:19:53,409
BOY:
All right, fight.
422
00:19:54,497 --> 00:19:55,585
Get him, Dad!
Come on.
423
00:19:55,629 --> 00:19:56,760
Come on, work the gut.
424
00:20:00,155 --> 00:20:01,504
Hold this.
425
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:27,095
d All my life was a paper
426
00:20:27,138 --> 00:20:32,492
d Once plain, pure and white
427
00:20:32,535 --> 00:20:35,321
d Till you moved
with your pen d
428
00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:43,503
d Changing moods now and then
till the balance was right d
429
00:20:43,546 --> 00:20:53,730
d And you decorated my life
430
00:20:53,774 --> 00:20:59,345
d By painting your love
431
00:20:59,388 --> 00:21:03,392
d All over my heart
432
00:21:03,436 --> 00:21:09,137
d You decorated my life
433
00:21:12,532 --> 00:21:15,012
d Ooh, oohd
434
00:21:15,056 --> 00:21:17,450
d Ooh, ooh.d
30221
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