All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2005) - S08E03 - Consummate Professional_track3_[eng]

* My eyes are gettin' weary*

* My back is gettin' tight*

* I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

* On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

* But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

* Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

* 'Cause, baby,
all my life*

* I will be drivin' home
to you*

-Hey.
-Hi, honey.

What's in the bag?

Oh, just some leftover cake
the guys surprised me with today

'cause it's, uh...

my tenth anniversary
at I.P.S.

Wow! Really?

Yep. I've been in a mediocre job
for a real long time.

Give it up!

I gotta say,
between that

and not finishing the cake
on the drive home,

you've got a lot
to be proud of, my friend.

[CHUCKLES]

Wait, today's your
tenth anniversary?

Shouldn't it have been,
like, 3 months ago?

Uh...no.
No, it's today.

Cake does not lie,
you know?

Unless it's
your birthday cake.

That baby's seen 29 candles
more than once, am I right?

Ha ha ha!
I think I am.

No, no. I remember exactly
when you started at I.P.S.

Because that's when
we started dating--

summer of '95.

You remember,
you didn't shower much

'cause you said
you were grunge?

Today, 3 months ago--
what's the difference, really?

There's a big
difference, Doug, okay?

A lot of pension
and benefits stuff kicks in

at the 10-year mark,

which means I.P.S.
is 3 months behind.

I'm gonna leave a message
for Accounting.

Uh, you know, that's okay.
I'll just--

I'll take
care of it tomorrow.

Nah.
You'll never do it.

Let me tell you
a story.

Come on, I thought it was
a really good movie.

You know what? I think
it should've been called

Waiting to Exhale
into my hand.

Pffffft!

I love
when you do that.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I had a really
great time tonight.

Me, too.

So, uh...

what now?

So, now you go home.

Oh, come on,
we've been going out for,

like, 2 months, Carrie.

My whole body's blue.

I gotta get up early
for work tomorrow.

Just call in sick.
Tell them you came down

with a bad case
of Doug-onucleosis.

Good night.

Mmm.

-Come on!
-Good night, Doug.

Okay...

Okay, guys,
before I sit down,

you should both know

I haven't seen
last night's Melrose Placeyet,

so if anyone says anything,
I will officially freak.

Ah, Doug, I hate
to bring it up now,

but your tab,
it's running kinda high...

Heh, I can't pay a tab

if I don't have
a job, Einstein.

We're hiring
down in the subway.

Thanks, but I'm holding out
for a job

that doesn't involve
walking through urine.

Ho ho ho, la dee da.

So, how are things
going with the new lady?

Oh, Carrie? Great.
She's so sweet.

You know,
great sense of humor.

When I make
my belly button talk,

she really gets it.

And how is everything
in... horizontal town?

Oh, come on. I don't
like to talk about that

-kind of stuff, all right?
-SPENCE: Oh, come on.

I need something to keep
my mind off Melrose.

All right,
well, let's just say--

not to get too graphic--

but I've gotten more
off of you two.

Ha ha ha! Whoa! Man!

And you guys have been going out
for, like, 2 months, right?

It's a little rough,
but Carrie wants to wait.

And I respect the fact
that Carrie's a good girl,

you know?

-What was that?
-What?

What's going on
here?

Well, word on the street
is that waiting...

isn't Carrie's thing.

You watch your mouth.
I swear to God,

-I'll cut you 8 different ways.
-It's true!

-Yeah?
-Who's she been with?

-Give me one name.
-Sal Derobertis.

Sal? I thought it was
his brother Johnny.

Sal andJohnny.
He only asked for one name.

OK, you guys don't know
what you're talking about,

all right?
She's a good girl,

and she wants to wait,
and that's it!

-Heh. Okay.
-It is okay.

Yeah, and you know what else?
Here's a Melroseupdate.

Yeah, Allison got
Amanda's job and slept
with Billy in her office.

Yeaaaah!

Eww.
What are you doing?

I'm sorry. You looked
uncomfortable,

-so I thought, uh...
-You thought I'd be

more comfortable
without a bra? [LAUGHS]

I know I am.
[CHUCKLES]

-Come on.
-Doug, come on.

Look, I told you,
I'm just not ready yet, okay?

I'm sorry.
That's just the way I am.

Yeah, that's
the book on you.

[CHUCKLES]

What's that supposed
to mean?

Nothing. It's just...
I don't know.

I just heard that bra used
to come off a little easier.

You know what I'm sayin'?
Like, bing!

Are you calling me a--
a slut?

Not me.
Spence and Danny.

Like they know me.

They know the Derobertis
brothers

-and apparently, so do you.
-CARRIE: Okay.

You know what?

That's really none
of your business.

Oh, come--it is
my business, Carrie.

If you won't sleep
with me, you know,

but you'll sleep with half
the Derobertis-is-is.

Maybe that's because
they were smart enough

to figure out
after an hour

that my bra opens
in the front!

Ok, you wear a bra
that opens in the front,

-but you're not a slut. Right.
-Okay. You know what?

You better back off
the slut thing,

or you're gonna
find yourself

in the trunk
of Gino Derobertis' car.

Gino? You slept
with the uncle also?!

They're
a nice family, okay?

Carrie, what the hell's
goin' on here?!

All right,
maybe I hooked up

with a lot more guys
than I should've, all right?

I don't know
why I did it.

Maybe it's 'cause my mom
died, and my dad's crazy.

I had a separate
entrance to the house.

I don't know!

The point is,

I don't want to be
like that anymore, okay?

I want to be in a grown-up
relationship with one guy,

and I think I want
that guy to be you.

Let me be your grown-up.
Come on, let's go.

No, Doug! Come on!
I just told you,

I wanna be in
a grown-up relationship.

You're not a grown-up.

-What are you talking about?
-Yeah, you don't--

You don't have any plans,
you don't have any goals.

I got plans.
I got lots of goals.

Oh, okay. You don't
even have a job.

Y-yes, I do.

-What?
-I was gonna surprise you...

tomorrow,
after my first day.

I can't believe that's
what this is all about!

Wait.

Are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious.

Carrie,
before I met you, I--

I just liked hanging out
at a pizza place,

but now...

I want more.

More for myself...

more for you...

[WHISPERS]
More for us.

Wait, so...
what's the job?

-Shh.
-Okay.

-Mmm...
-Mmm.

-Morning.
-Morning.

Whatcha thinkin'?

I'm thinking
if I hadn't downed

all those ZIMAs last night,

I'd stay in bed
with you forever.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna
be late for work.

Oh, yeah.

Hon?

-Yeah.
-Um...

Aren't you
gonna be late, too?

Late for what?

For work!

-Oh, that's right. Work, work.
-[LAUGHS]

My new work!
Oh, yeah.

Okay, so, now that our hormones
aren't raging,

-Tell me.
-Tell you what?

What your new job is.

-I never told you?!
-No.

[LAUGHING]
Oh, that is hilarious!

Now, I gotta be
honest with you,

I have been
fantasizing architect,

'cause I've always had
a crush on Mr. Brady,

but I'm realistic,
so--heh, tell me.

Well, it's a good job.
It's, uh,

right down there
in the, uh, job district.

[LAUGHS] Job district.
Just tell me.

I will tell you if you let me
get a word in edgewise.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God.

You didn't make up
some fake job

just so that I would
sleep with you, did you?

Did--what--did I--
make up--Carr--

Wow, my head
is spinning. Whoa.

-You did, didn't you?!
-No!

All right, so, then just tell me
where you work!

Oh, you wanna take
that tone,

you just lost the right
to know where I work, okay?

-What are you doing?
-What am I doing?

I'm getting ready
for my...

"fake job"...

that I "made up"!

Okay?

Just give me
a company name!

Oh, you want a name?
It's a small business.

Maybe you've heard of it?
It's called shutty industries!

She ever ask the Derobertis boys
if they have jobs?

No. But I gotta have a job
'cause I'm not a Derobertis.

Derobertis.

It's a cool name.

Doug Derobertis.

Oh, my God.
She's following me.

Oh, this chick
has trust issues.

Okay, job, job, job.

Gotta find a job.

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

That wouldn't
end well.

Yeah...

Damn it!

Hey, I, uh, hate
to bother you,

but can I, uh,
borrow a uniform?

-Do I know you?
-No.

Anyway...

Extra uniform,
can I have one?

No.

Please, you have to, man.

My girlfriend's
following me, okay?

And if I don't convince her
that I work here, I'm dead.

-Please!
-I'm not giving my uniform

to a total stranger.

Oh, uh...

I'll give you some gum.
You want some gum?

No, I don't want
any gum.

Well, how about this?
I got a coupon.

"Buy a Whopper,
get the second Whopper free."

Second Whopper free!

Look, man, you're weird,

and I don't like you.

So, why don't you
take your coupon

and your funky-ass gum

and get on out of here?

Carrie. What are you
doin' here?

I followed you.

So, do you actually
work here?

No, I just walked
in this building

and put on
some guy's shirt.

Hey! What the hell
are you doin'?

I know, guy.
I'm sorry. Uh,

just gettin' dressed here,
and, uh, I know

we're supposed to go out there
and make those deliveries

and stuff, right?

All right, what the hell
is going on here?

Does he work here
or not?

Just tell me,
because if he doesn't,

I'm gonna twist
his nipples so hard

that they pop off
like bottle caps!

Y-yeah--yeah,
he works here.

There you go. You wanna drag in
other witnesses,

or do you
believe me now?

No, I believe you.
I'm sorry, but...

why couldn't you just
tell me this before?

No, I like
to keep things hot.

That's how I play it
if you gonna ride with me,

-you know what I'm sayin'?
-All right, all right. Yes.

All right. I gotta
go to orientation now.

-All right.
-All right? All right.

I can't believe we didn't think
of carpooling before.

I mean, I.P.S. is right
on my way to work,

and then I just pick you up
on my way home.

[SLOWLY] Yeah.

And it gives us another
half-hour together,

just you, me, and Imus.
[LAUGHS]

Where do I turn,
baby?

Uh, I, um...

You don't know? You been
goin' there every day.

But I--I don't have my bearings
when I'm not driving, okay?

I mean, your left
is my right, and--

Oh, we're here.

Hey, how's it goin'?

Hey...

Aren't you the guy
who wore my shirt

and gave me those
expired coupons?

Yeah, yeah.
Hey, listen,

is there a multiplex
around here or a batting cage?

'cause I gotta kill
about 8 hours.

What's your story, man?

Ah, I started
dating this new girl.
Carrie. You met her.

Oh, the scary chick,
lots of mascara?

Yeah. She's great,
she's great.

Anyway, I told her I had a job
so she'd sleep with me,

so I've been pretending
to go to work every day,

but suddenly she wants
to carpool, so it's, like,

I actually have to
come here now, you know?

Sounds like you kids
are gonna make it.

And toss me that box
over there, would you?

Oh, yeah, sure.
No problem.

This girlfriend
of yours,

isn't she wondering
why you don't get paid?

Oh, she thinks I do.

I actually borrowed
a few thousand dollars

from my mom,
told her Carrie needed

a kidney transplant.

It's actually
a pretty good lie, too,

'cause she pees a lot,
you know?

Hey, you know what,
I never got your name.

Uh, Deacon.
Deacon Palmer.

Oh. Doug Heffernan.

It's funny, I've never had
a black friend before.

You don't have one now.

-Palmer.
-Uh, yes, sir?

That, uh, Mr. David's
Boutique on Hillside,

they never got
their shipment yesterday.

Now him
and his life partner

are threatening
to scratch my eyes out.

Right. Well, see,
what happened,

I was gonna make
the delivery, and I--I got--

That was, uh, my,
uh, screw-up, sir.

Yours? Who are you?

I'm--I'm Doug Heffernan.
I'm, uh,

the new driver.

Oh, yeah. Right, right.

Yeah, uh, I--
I told Deacon

I would make those
deliveries, but then I, uh--

I got a phone call
from the hospital.

My uncle needed
a kidney transplant.

Where's your uniform?

I--I gave it
to my uncle.

Gift shop was closed.

Well, get another one.

And make that delivery,
Palmer.

Yes, sir.

Thanks a lot, man.
That was--that was nice.

No problem.

You, uh--
you really like to work

that kidney transplant thing,
don't you?

It's your Cadillac
of personal emergencies.

Hey,
you're reading now.

What happened
to the Silly Putty?

Eh, lookin' for a job.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, just something
temporary

till I get the financing
lined up for my brewery.

Let me throw something crazy
out there at ya, brother.

Instead of just hanging
around here every day,

why don't you
actually work here?

Mmm. You know what it is?

I'm a creative bird.
I need to flap my wings.

Hey!

Carrie. Wh-what
are you doing here?

Special delivery
of hot lovin'.

-That means kiss me.
-Oh. Okay.

Uh, aren't you
missing work?

Nah. They're doin' some
stupid CPR training.

Yawn. [CHUCKLES]

Anyway, I wanted
to surprise my man

with a little Carrie
and a Little Debbie.

That's great. Well,
thank you so much.

-I gotta get goin', okay?
-Hey, Heffernan, uh,

there's 2 pallets
on a forklift

that should've been
loaded an hour ago, huh?

So get on it.

Does that mean I get to see
you work the forklift?

-I think it does.
-[GASPS] Yay! Heh.

You might wanna
stand back.

-Right, right.
-Ahem.

[FORKLIFT BEEPING]

This one, she's, uh--
she's, uh, finicky.

You gotta go back
before you get her goin'.

Everybody complains
about it.

We had to open that
and look at it.

You gotta check out
the contents sometimes.

[BANGING AND CRASHING]

[FORKLIFT BEEPING]

[BEEPING]

In my office,
now!

Wonder what this
is about.

We got about 250
smashed-up boxes out there.

-What the hell happened?
-I'm not really sure, sir.

See, I'm still pretty
broken up about my uncle.

[WHISPERS]
The kidney's not taking.

Well, first you mess up
the dress delivery,

and now this. I'm sorry.
I gotta let you go, Heffernan.

-Sir, you can't do that.
-Oh, yes, I can.

You can't, sir.
I--I don't work here.

What are you talking about?
You were at the company picnic.

We won the 3-legged race
together.

I--I don't work here.
I lied to my girlfriend.

I told her this
is where I worked,

so for the last couple months,
I've just been showing up

and hanging out.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Look, but if she--if she knows
I been lying to her,

she's gonna kill me,
so I--

I guess what
I'm saying is I--

I'd like to apply
for a job.

You understand, you're not
asking at the best time?

I do understand that,
sir,

but let me tell you
something, if you give me

another chance, I'll show you,
I'm the best damn driver

you've ever seen.

Well...

I'm gonna be totally fried
if corporate finds out

I let a civilian
operate a forklift.

Yeah, and we are defending
3-legged champs.

True. [SIGHS]

So, what do you say?
Can I have a job?

Well--

Well, since I fired you,
I guess there's a slot open.

All right,
you start on Monday.

All right,
thanks, sir.

-Wanna see my truck?
-Yeah.

MAN [OVER TV]: Coming up,
an all-newMelrose Place.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

SPENCER [OVER VOICEMAIL]:
I'm either taking a bath

or watchingMelrose,

-or both! Leave a message.
-[BEEPS]

DOUG: Hey, man, it's Doug.
Just wanted to let you know

you left your jacket
at my house, and, uh,

oh, yeah, Kimberly
isn't dead.

She's alive!
She's alive!

[**]