All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2005) - S07E21 - Slippery Slope_track3_[eng]

-How're we doin' in there?
-It's coming, it's coming.

-[SIGHS]
-Ah. There we go.

Oh, one sec.
Be right back.

[SIGHS]

[FOOTSTEPS MOVING AROUND]

I'm not proud of myself.

SINGER: * My eyes are
gettin' weary*

* My back is gettin' tight*

* I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

* On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

* But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

* Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

* 'Cause, baby,
all my life*

* I will be drivin' home
to you*

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Hey. Watson fight
start yet?

Nah, but they just did
this really lame story

about how he was raised
by deaf parents.

Oh, damn it. That's the one
thing I wanted to see.

All right. Well, next week,
we're doin' it at our place,

'cause Spence and I
will be breakin' in

our brand-new plasma TV.

You guys are
gettin' a plasma?

-Still not sure I wanna do this.
-Do what?

Danny found
a ski resort upstate

that just opened up
time shares.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
and you go up there

for a free weekend,
and all you gotta do is

listen to their sales pitch,
and you get a plasma TV.

Okay, but wait.
There's a catch. All right?

It's for couples
only...

so we have to convince 'em
that we're together.

I'm not seein'
the catch.

SPENCE: Ohh--

You know, just 'cause
a couple of middle-aged guys

share an apartment
and a car,

everyone assumes
we're lovers.

-I think this is a great idea.
-Yeah, well, no offense, hoss,

but I gotta believe I can do
a lot better than you.

Ha ha. That's very funny.

No, I'm takin' Carrie,
and...

by the way, if you ever
ordered off this menu,

you'd buy the restaurant.

Anyway, Carrie's never
gonna let you do this.

-Why not?
-You know, 'cause of the way

you'll buy anything
from anybody.

I mean,
isn't she still mad

about all that stuff you bought
off that shopping network?

Hey, those dolls were personally
endorsed by Marie Osmond

and will only
increase in value.

CARRIE: My God.
It's so beautiful up here,

and it was
really sweet of you

to surprise me
with this trip.

Oh, come on. You work hard.
You deserve it.

So, what're we
gonna do up there?

Oh.
First we're gonna--

we're gonna take
some ski lessons.

Then we'll soak
in a nice jacuzzi,

maybe have
a nice dinner,

take in a relaxing sales pitch.
It's gonna be great.

-What?
-It's gonna be great.

What sales pitch?

Oh, the--the whole
weekend's free.

All we have to do is just listen
to a little 4-hour chat

on their time-share properties.
I heard it's fun.

Time share?

Doug, why didn't you tell me
about this before?

Because you would've
said it's stupid.

And I figured you wouldn't twist
my nipples on a curvy road.

Doug, you don't understand.
These time share people,

they don't stop until
they sell you something.

They--they prey on
the weak and gullible,

I.E., you.

Okay, look, I admit,
in the past,

I may have made some purchases
that were...

questionable.

Yeah. You got talked
into buying a home

coleslaw-making system.

Hey, before
the motor burned out,

Mr. Slaw provided us with
the best 2 weeks of our lives.

[SIGHS] Look,
I won't buy anything. Okay?

How about--I won't
even talk to anybody.

We'll have a great weekend.
Come on.

Okay. All right.

I did want to learn
how to ski,

and the jacuzzi
does sound nice.

About the jacuzzi.

I'm not sayin'
they don't have one,

but...I did
make that up.

Hi. Uh,
Spence Olchin,

and this is my partner
Danny Heffernan.

Welcome to Pine Summit.

Yep. Just
a couple of queens

out hittin'
the slopes.

Well, here you go.

Enjoy your stay.

Wow. This place
is nice, huh?

Yeah. I just could've done
without the, uh,

deer-hoof
door handles.

Come on,
show me some love.

No, it's nice,
it's nice.

But, listen, don't
get too cocky. Okay?

You see these people
in the red vests over here?

Those are
the salespeople.

They're
the bad guys.

Okay. I know.

Okay. No matter
what you do,

you don't go
with them. Okay?

If they say,
"Mommy's sick

and she's in
the hospital,"

you do not go
with them. Okay?

-Right.
-Okay.

Let's shake it up
a little bit, huh?

Hey, curly hair.
Hey, Vestie, Vestie.

-Stop.
-Hey, Vestie!

Stop!
You're annoying me.

All right! Okay!
Hey.

They got hot cocoa
over there.

Check us in.
I'll see you in the room.

-Hey.
-Hey.

You here to look
at the time shares?

Oh, yes. My husband and I
are very interested

in finding a second home
we can fight in.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

-You?
-Oh, um...

[WHISPERING] We just came here
for the free weekend.

So did we.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I just gotta keep my husband
away from the salespeople.

Hey. I heard that.

Anyway, I'm Anna.
This is my husband Steve.

Hi. Carrie.
My husband is--

Wow.
That is affordable.

Yeah. I like that.

Thank you.
Come here.

-Come here.
-Hey. Hey, hey, hey!

All right, now it's your turn!
Come on, baby!

I don't want
to fall again!

You're not gonna fall.
You're gonna be fine!

-I believe in you!
-Okay.

-DOUG: There you go.
-Oh, God.

-Snow plow! Snow plow!
-Okay. Okay.

-Oh, my God!
-Aah!

I told you
to snow plow.

Well, there's something wrong
with my skis.

Yeah, the skis.

-All right, come on.
-[SIGHS]

Help me.
Just help me up.

All right.

Okay.

-I'm done.
-What?

Yeah. I mean, this was a very
nice thing, honey,

but you know what?
Skiing is just not my thing.

Let's just go home.

But we gotta stay
the whole weekend.

What? Why?

I'll tell--
I'll tell you why.

Because we got
those dinner reservations

with our new
best friends tonight--

-Stu and Amy.
-Steve and Anna.

Whatever.

Look, I--I promised you
a great weekend,

and I'm gonna deliver.
Okay?

You know, I'll tell you what--
why don't we just take your skis

back to the rental place,
and we'll, uh...

we'll trade 'em in
for a [CLEARS THROAT]

a flying saucer,
'cause that spells F-U-N.

You're gonna have a good time
this weekend.

I'm tellin' you.
You really are.

Here you go.

Gave you a little
extra sweet potatoes

'cause you said
you like 'em.

Hey, uh, you know
what else I'd like?

To know what time
you get off of work.

Yeah,
I bet you would.

-What are you doing?
-What?

You're hittin'
on a waitress?

You're gonna blow our cover.
We're not gonna get the TV.

Also, that was very
disrespectful to me.

Fine.

By the way,
if she's a natural blonde,

I am the Queen of Sheba.

So they told me
that I was the first one

to ever drive a flying saucer
intothe gift shop.

[LAUGHTER]

You know, on our first date
back in college,

Steve insisted on taking me
roller-skating

even though I said
I didn't know how.

8 beers and 43 stitches
later, here we are.

We would've met
in college, too,

if our 6 1/2 weeks
overlapped.

-Hey, guys.
-Hi.

-Hey.
-I just want to remind you

that tomorrow morning
there's a breakfast buffet

followed by
a tour of the units,

and then, of course,
* Bum bum bum*

the mandatory
sales presentation.

Well, if my bruised ass
has a vote,

we might be headed
home early.

Well, you do understand

that if you leave
before the presentation,

you forfeit
the free gift.

What free gift?

Oh. There's
a free gift?

This just keeps
gettin' better.

This is
unbelievable!

The plasma TV.
We spoke about it on the phone.

Uh...no,
don't think we did.

Well, you remember. I said
you could either have the TV

or the diamond
tennis bracelet.

Oh, my God.

-This is all news to me.
-Mm-hmm.

This is--guys--ahem.

Could you get our waiter?
Actually, I hear

they got
a frozen turtle pie

that is
unbeatable here.

It's unbelievable.

All right, I'm sorry!

Look, I should've told you
everything from the beginning,

but, look, you know, we can
still make this a great weekend.

You are such
a lying sack of crap!

Or we could just
get throughthe weekend.

"Oh, my baby works hard.
She deserves this."

[SIGHS] You dowork hard.
I--I mean, I'm guessing. I--

This whole trip--
lie after lie after lie!

And for what?
For some stupid TV?

Stupid? Stupid?
It's not stupid, Carrie!

It's plasma! Plasma!
Do you know what plasma means?

It means [IMITATES FRANKENSTEIN]
it's alive!

All I know is you have
a great TV at home.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's not even
computing in the brain here

'cause it's not great!

It isgreat,
and do you know why?

Because I saved
and sacrificed for that--

I worked overtime.

That TV was paid
with my love.

Yeah? Well, when I watch it,
I feel nothing but hate.

Look at this.
Look at this.

They have time shares
in the Caribbean.

That's where
you should've taken me

if you weren't such
a selfish idiot.

I mean,
look at this!

That should be me
riding on that horse.

You couldn't even balance
on 2 flat pieces of wood!

You want to try your luck
on a wild animal?

-[SIGHS]
-W-what--what are you doing?

CARRIE: Pack your gigantic
bathing suit,

because we are going
to Vista Del Sol!

-What?
-CARRIE: Yeah! Maybe we'll own

a time share there, too.

You know what?
The salesman was right.

If we had
a time share here,

that would force you
to take me somewhere nice

-at least once a year.
-The salesman was right?

Carrie, listen to yourself!

-What?
-You--you said it yourself--

they're gonna try
and separate us

and prey on the weaker one!

We thought I was the weaker one,
but, no, it's you!

-Oh, my God.
-Yeah.

Yeah.

So you got hit with a snowball.
Big deal.

Big deal? You know why
this happened, don't you?

Uh, somebody saw
your big fat head

and decided to hit it
with a snowball?

No. Somebody saw
my big fat gayhead

and decided to commit
a hate crime.

Oh, come on.

Don't be naive.
Did you see the looks of disgust

we got when we were
sharing that toboggan?

All right, fine.
Whatever. All right?

Point is, if us gettin'
that free plasma TV

means you gotta get
a little gay-bashed,

then you gotta get
a little gay-bashed,

my friend.

Okay. Now all we gotta do

is get through
the next 6 hours,

and you get
your stupid TV.

Yes. I wanna tell you how much
I love you for doin' this.

-Just shut up.
-Yeah, right.

-ANNA: I can't believe you!
-STEVE: I'm sorry!

What's goin' on?

Oh. I went out
to buy a ChapStick.

By the time
I got back,

he was almost
in Escrow.

I swear, these people
are the devil.

I know! I almost had
a close call myself last night.

Oh, well, I am sending Steve
out to the slopes

until we have to go
on the sales tour.

Good idea.
Take him with you.

What do you
think, Doug?

Ready to get off
the bunny slopes?

I am pretty much the only one
on that hill

with body hair,
so...

Maybe it's time
to move up.

So Doug's been driving
a truck for about 9 years.

I thought it was
just a stepping stone

to something else,
but...

turns out
that's, um--that's it.

Yeah. Well, these guys
are full of surprises.

You know, Steve and I
met on-line,

and nowhere
in his profile

did it mention his snoring
or his clarinet. [LAUGHS]

I thought you said
you guys met in college.

What? No.

Hey, you told me
the whole roller-skating story

last night
at dinner.

I did? Wow. Ha.

I guess a couple glasses of wine
at this altitude,

I'm liable to say anything.
Ha ha ha!

I'm gonna, uh,
rustle us up some more coffee.

Oh, my gosh.

She's one of them.

Doug.

I gotta tell you,
this is some view, huh?

Pretty sweet.

You know
what it is, Doug?

I mean, Anna's great,
but...the way I see it,

the big decisions
are better left to the man.

Absolutely.

Whoa.
Why did we stop?

Oh, that happens
all the time.

Yeah, well, I--
I hope it picks up again soon,

'cause it's kinda--
it's cold up here.

Soup?

You brought
your own soup?

Sure.

Why did I let Carrie
talk me out of fillin'

my wine pouch
with chili?

[LAUGHS]

-[CELL PHONE RINGS]
-DOUG: Mmm.

-Can you hold that?
-Yeah.

-Hello.
-He's one of them!

-What?
-CARRIE: Steve--

he's a salesman!

Carrie?

Hey. Yeah, uh,
Danny Heffernan.

I wanted to sign up
for the 3:30 tour today.

-Oh, no problem.
-Oh, hi.

Are you the
Olchin-Heffernan party?

Heffernan-Olchin,
but yeah.

You know, I heard
about the incident

with your friend
and the snowball.

Oh. Well, that.
Yeah. Forget it.

You know, he tends to get
a little dramatic

-if you know what I mean. Yeah.
-[LAUGHS]

You know, in light
of this incident,

maybe Pine Summit
isn't the right place for you.

What do you mean?

Well, this is more
of a family resort.

So?

Well, I'm just saying,
we have a couple of properties

in Provincetown
and Key West

where you people are more free
to be yourselves.

"You people"?

What is that
supposed to mean?

Sir, please don't
take a tone with me.

I'm trying to resolve
the situation.

We can resolve it
by you givin' me

and my boyfriend our TV.

I'm afraid
that's not gonna happen.

Oh, it's gonna happen.

Oh, actually,
I just realized

according to the terms
of your contract,

the offer for the weekend
clearly states

it's "for married couples
only."

-Is that so?
-Yes, it is, sir.

Well, we'll see
about that.

-Hey, man.
-Come on, let's go.

Oh, hey, hey,
not so rough!

You've been awful
quiet there, Doug.

Well, you know,
soup, it, uh...

makes me think
about stuff.

Well,
let it out, man,

'cause up here, you can scream
as loud as you want

and no one's
gonna hear you.

I know who you are!

Yeah. I'm the guy

who's gonna give you
the deal of a lifetime!

Just stay
away from me!

Come on, Doug!

Just tell me
what it's gonna take!

Leave me alone!

STEVE: Whoa!

Come on, Doug.

Just tell me
what it's gonna take

to put you in
a deluxe town-home,

-cable-ready!
-DOUG: Get away from me!

[MOTOR CHUGGING]

-Hey!
-I'll gas it up for ya!

STEVE: I got a 2-bedroom
with your name on it!

DOUG: No!

[MOTOR SPUTTERS AND STOPS]

Uhh!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Come on.
Come on.

[MOTOR CHUGGING]

[PANTING]

[DOUG SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING]

STEVE: Come on, Doug.

Take my hand.

We both know how
this is gonna end.

Come on.

I don't even know why
I'm lookin' at this

after the way you
and Steve lied to us.

I know, and
to make it up to you,

I'm gonna
write down a price

that no one else
is getting.

And I just
want you to know

I'm takin'
a loss on this.

Wow. That really
isaffordable.

Ohh! Unhh! Ohh!

Picture's
not that great.

I'm not sure I'd marry
a dude for this.

Well, I guess we know
that Skvidzski

doesn't make
a good product.

You know, by the way,
those annulment papers

have been on our kitchen
counter for a week.

Are you gonna
fill those out or what?

Yeah, I'll
get to it. Okay?

You know, not everything
has to be done on your schedule.

Do you have
dental coverage?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]