All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2005) - S07E15 - Deconstructing Carrie_track3_[eng]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Hey, it's me.

Uh, I know you wanted me
to get paper towels.

Did you want me
to get the kinds

with like the chickens
and ducks on 'em, or...?

I'll let you make
that call, babe.

DOUG [OVER PHONE]:
Okay, I won't let you down.

-Okay, love you. Bye.
-Okay, love you, too.

-Carrie, wait!
-Yeah?

I've been thinkin'
about this whole

automatically saying
"I love you"

at the end
of phone calls thing.

I was wonderin'
if we could drop it?

What?

Yeah. I mean,
we know how we feel.

We don't have to say it
at the end of every call.

So you want to stop
saying "I love you"?

Technically, we don't
say "I love you" now.

I mean, we've got it
down to like, "love ya."

you know, it's
almost gone already.

Oh, so we're talking about
just dropping the "I love you"

just at the end
of phone calls.

For now.

You know what?
It's not a bad idea

because when we
actually do say it,

it'll mean
that much more.

Exactly. I mean,
it'll really pop.

It'll almost
be shocking.

-Okay.
-DOUG [OVER PHONE]: All right.

Well, good-bye.

Good-bye.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

-Hello.
-Hey, it's me.

Yeah?

Just wanted to say
I love you.

And I love you, too.

All right.

-All right, love ya.
-Love ya, too.

SINGER:
* My eyes are gettin' weary*

* My back is gettin' tight*

* I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

* On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

* But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

* Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

* 'Cause, baby, all my life*

* I will be drivin' home
to you*

Douglas, I'm back
from the senior center,

and I have an update
on the missing pudding.

[SNORING]

Douglas?

Hmm.

Hey! Hey,
that's my wallet!

I thought
you was asleep.

I was fakin' it.

Well, it doesn't get
much lower than that.

Apparently, it does.

Do you expect me to steal
money from Carrie

to buy her own
birthday present?

I will not do
that again.

[DOOR OPENS]

-[JACKHAMMER]
-When are the Micellis

gonna be done building
that freakin' castle?

I mean, knock yourselves out.

You still share an alley
with the Jiffy Lube.

Hey, we're all set
for your birthday.

I just talked to Paddy
down at Cooper's.

He got us a private room.

I mean, it's not
totally private.

It's where they keep
the foosball table,

and actually, there's
another party there,

but it's a small one.

So I'm turning 35,

and we're celebrating
that at Cooper's?

I talked to you
last week.

I said, "What do you want me
to do for your birthday?"

you said, "Don't do
anything special."

Yeah, I meant,
don't do anything special

like take me to France,

not take me to where

you have a Wing-eater's
gold card.

Okay, first of all,
it's platinum,

and they only
gave out 4, okay?

Look, Carrie, Cooper's
is just an idea, okay?

We can go wherever
you want.

Like where?

How about the hot new club
in the city

you were talkin' about?

-Silk?
-Yeah! Let's get Silky.

[HUMMING TECHNO MUSIC]

So you want to take me

to the hottest club
in Manhattan?

-Yeah.
-Great.

Now I have 2 days
to lose 10 pounds

and 10 years.
Unbelievable!

So, uh, how old were you
when youwent crazy?

Son, 35 is a difficult
birthday for any woman.

Maybe I better just
give her some time,

let her cool off.

No, no, no.

Go to her, Douglas.

Go to her.

I used to have
gorgeous hair.

I could have sold it.

Nobody'd buy this!
Who'd buy this?

I could hang a sign
at work.

Look, you're obviously

goin' through some stuff
right now, Car,

and I just want you to know
I'm here for you.

Oh, you're here for me?

Well, you should be because
this is all your fault.

-My fault?
-Yeah, you stole my youth!

-What?
-That's right!

I would still be young
and relatively attractive

if I didn't have to pick up
after you all the time

and wash your big,
huge pants

and cook you dinner
every night.

We do order out a lot.

I have to heat it up,
don't I?

Okay, are you okay?

Or do you need me
to go to the drugstore

and buy you something
from the...awkward aisle?

[JACKHAMMER]

No. It's just that
I'm turning 35,

and I feel like crap.

Why are you gettin'
so down on yourself?

I-I gotta tell ya.

I think you look more beautiful
now than the day I even met you.

-CARRIE: Oh, shut up.
-Okay.

You know what it is, Doug?
I'm not getting the feedback

that I used to.

I mean,
I don't remember the last time

I got groped on the subway.

And those construction guys,

I walk by them every day,
and I get nothing from them!

Nothing!

I've peaked.
It's all downhill from here.

Oh, come on.
You're being crazy now.

CARRIE: No, no.
It's different for men.

The older you get,
the better looking you get.

You know what?

You're the one
who should be mad at me.

I mean, I'm not that hot young
thing you married.

Carrie, you're
not 19 anymore.

So? I love you the way
you are right now.

I love everything
about you--

the little lines
around your eyes.

Oh, my god!
I got crow's feet?

Sweet mama.

Okay, Arthur, I really
have to get going.

But I'm not finished.

Arthur, you've been talking
for an hour straight.

I think I'm pretty clear
on the fact

that lard
is the poor man's butter.

Oh, there is one more thing.

This is very difficult
for me to ask,

but I need
to borrow some money.

Arthur, you haven't
paid me back

the loan
for the ostrich farm.

By the way, uh, what's
goin' on with that?

Nothing good.

Now, I need to buy
a birthday present for Carrie.

Well, Arthur,
if you're broke...

you know, why don't you
make her something?

You guys do ceramics

down at the senior center,
don't you?

Last week,
I made an ashtray

of a woman
lying on her back,

but the location
of the cigarette nook

proved controversial.

Okay, no ashtray.

Oh, I made my mom
a collage once,

and she just flipped.

-Really?
-Yeah, yeah.

You must have
old pictures of Carrie,

you know, like when she was
a little kid and stuff?

You just arrange them
and frame it.

It'll be better than any
expensive gift you can get her

because it comes
from your heart.

-I love it.
-Great.

Now if
you'll spot me a 20,

I'd love to treat you
to lunch.

Hey, you know, now that
those people are remodeling,

you officially have the
crappiest house on the block.

Hey, no, no, no.
Come on.

We gotta go.
It's not safe here.

Oh, God,
I forgot my jacket.

What's goin' on?

It's just that Carrie's
turnin' 35 on Saturday,

and she's freakin' out.

Oh, yeah.
35's a bad one.

Hey, but it'll
toughen you up for 40.

CARRIE: Who's talking?

Uh, it's just Deac
came by to pick me up.

You want to come down
and say hello?

CARRIE:
Yeah, that's gonna happen.

Okay, then,
you have a good one!

I tried telling her she looks
beautiful and everything.

She just bites
my head off, you know?

It's like she needs to
hear it from someone else.

You want me to tell her?

Yeah, I'm not crazy
where that might lead.

[CONSTRUCTION NOISE]

Deac, you know what? I'll,
uh--I'll meet you at work.

I just gotta make
a stop first.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, who wants
a cold one?

Yeah, thanks, buddy,
but, uh, we're not really

supposed to drink
on the job.

Hey, I'm not supposed
to put cheese on my cereal.

Doug Heffernan.
Live a couple of doors down.

I got kind of a weird
request for you.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Uh, this is my wife,
Carrie.

You guys recognize her?

She walks by here every day
on her way to work.

Yeah, I know her.
Remember?

She flipped us off
yesterday.

That's her.

Anyway, I was wondering
if you guys,

you know,
when she walks by later,

wouldn't mind yellin'
some dirty stuff at her.

What?

The thing is,
she's turning 35,

and she's a little
down on herself,

so if you guys could
tell her that she's hot

and yell out
all the nasty things

you want to do to her
and where,

she'd be floatin'
on air.

So you want us to sexually
harass your wife?

Bingo.

WORKER: You know, we're, uh--

we're not supposed to do
that kind of stuff anymore.

Oh, come on.
You can't drink on the job.

You can't harass women?

How does anything get built
in this country?

You know,
he does have a point there.

Come on, it would really,
really help me out.

So what do you
want us to say?

That's all you.
You know, just don't force it.

Just throw it away.

And by the way, you're gonna
have a lot to work with

'cause whether you like
the balcony or the basement,

she is built to please.

WORKER: I guess I can say, uh...

is that a mirror
in your pocket

'cause I can see myself
in your pants.

Yes! I like that.

Don't be afraid
to speak up.

WORKER: Yeah, so something like,

"Wait, mamamita,
shake those maracas!"

Now we're cookin'
with gas.

What else you got?

I could say, uh,
"I love your hair,

and I want
to cut it off,

and I want to put it
in a box."

Hey, look
what's comin' by!

Oh, damn, she's hot.

Hey, do fries
come with that shake?

Whoo!
Shake those maracas, mama!

Yeah, mama,
I want to [BLEEP],

and then I want you
to [BLEEP]!

Oh, yeah!

Hey, how was your day?

Great! Hey, how about
steak for dinner, huh?

-Mmm.
-And you know what?

It's been a while

since I made my man
some cupcakes.

Look at all the places
you've been.

You've had some life.

It has been
quite a ride.

Oh, my God.
You were at Woodstock?

Yes, I worked security.

It was...

it was a magical 3 days
of kicking hippie ass.

Wow.

ARTHUR: Turns out acid
really hampers

a person's ability
to defend themselves.

Yeah.
Tell me about it.

Oh, look. Here's a really cute
picture of Carrie

at one
of her birthday parties.

Oh, yes.
That's when she turned 6.

I don't see you in any
of these pictures, though.

I wasn't there.

I, uh, boycotted that party

for reasons
well known to her.

Okay, well, I'm sure we can find
a cute one in here.

Oh, look. This is Carrie
at high school graduation.

Huh...

were you at that?

No. I was at a high school
graduation that day,

just not hers.

Well, gosh, Arthur,

I don't see you with Carrie
in any of these pictures.

ARTHUR: Well,
I was a very busy man!

I was on the road
a lot.

I had obligations!

I...

I was
a terrible father.

Oh, no, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Yes, yes,
those pictures don't lie.

I was too busy chasing
the almighty dollar.

Well, it's better
than my dad

who was too busy chasing

the almighty
tube of glue.

Why couldn't I
have been at her party?

Why?

Excuse me, Holly.

I need to lie down.

I'm gonna call my dad.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

So you bring these guys
doughnuts every morning,

they yell nasty stuff
at your wife,

then she comes home happy
and makes you a pot roast?

Yep. And the dirtier
the talk,

the bigger the portions.

I'm tellin' you, man,
you are playing with fire.

Hey, boys!

-Hey!
-What's up, Car?

Who wants
a manwich?

Um...sure.

Okay. Honey, I know what
I want to do for my birthday.

-Bring it.
-All right,

so I want to go to Silk.

We are so there.

[HUMMING TECHNO MUSIC]

All right, but I want to do
something before that.

Oh, that is
happening, too.

[HUMMING]

Okay. Stop it, sweetie,
stop it. Okay.

You know the mountain bikes
we have in the garage

that we bought
and never used?

I don't know
about never used.

I mean, technically, they
are keeping the fuse box shut.

So you want to go
biking now?

CARRIE: Yes. Remember that day
I was feeling so old?

I realized
that's all in your head.

You gotta think young,

you gotta do
young things, so...

red or blue?

The, uh, red one'll help
the cars see you.

Come on, Doug!
You can do it!

It's too steep!

You gotta pedal!

I know how a bike works!

-[GRUNTING]
-You're in the wrong gear!

[GRUNTS]

Oh, God!

Oh! Not good.

[SCREAMS]

Hey, Arthur,
how's it goin'?

Today's
my daughter's birthday,

and my only gift
is a table full of neglect.

Well, maybe not.

Remember how I told you
I was dating that guy

who works in the photo
department at Walgreen's?

Nobody likes
a braggart, Holly.

What's your point?

Well, here's
that picture of Carrie

blowing out
her birthday candles,

except look who's got
his arm around her now.

Oh, my God,
that's me!

But how could that be?
I wasn't there.

Well, no. Josh took
another picture of you

and digitally
superimposed it

onto Carrie's
birthday picture.

Anybody can do it.

Any witchcould do it.

Okay, let's not get bogged down
with the details here.

All I'm saying
is that any picture

you want to put
yourself into,

Josh can do it
for you.

Normally, I don't dabble
in the black arts,

but it sure would
get me out of a pickle.

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]

[EUROPEAN ACCENT]
In the red dress and the boy.

[SIGHS]

I'm gonna throw this out
one more time.

There's a Wendy's
2 blocks away,

and it's got
a playground.

Doug, come on.
We're gonna get in.

I can feel it.
You used to work at a club.

Why don't you go talk to the
guy, bouncer to bouncer?

-I guess I could do that.
-All right, go, go.

Go, baby, go, go, go.

Excuse me.
I'm on the, uh...

I'm on the list.
Excuse me.

I'm on the list up here.

I'm on the list. Sorry.

He's got a special list
we gotta do.

Ahem. Whassup?

I used to bounce, too.
Neon, '91 to '93.

It's a Starbucks now.

[STAMMERING] Like we need
more of those!

You know
what I'm sayin'?

Every corner.
That's a nice set--

Don't touch.

Oh, mama.

Sorry. Sorry.

Guy lost the list.

Ass.

What an ass.

Excuse me.
They lost the list.

All right, I laid
some ground work is what I did.

Oh, he's coming back.
He's coming back.

Yeah.

Uh, you two.

You and you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, the thing
is it's my birthday,

and I don't really
want to go in

without my husband, so...

You want to go
in or out?

All right, I'm gonna
go get us a table.

I'll meet you
in there, honey.

Guy, is there any possible way
that I could--

Don't touch.

We're both Green Berets.

We're just constantly
testing each other.

[HUMMING CLUB MUSIC]

Come on, baby,
time to get up!

We only went to bed
3 hours ago.

Plenty of time to sleep
when we get old.

-Come on.
-[JACKHAMMER]

Oh, God, they got that
jackhammer workin' again, huh?

Shut it off!

Oh, stop it.

Morning, boys.

[JACKHAMMER STOPS]

Hey, watch out what
you're doin' with that hose.

This is a family neighborhood.

Okay, baby.

And as for you,
let's get goin'.

We have places to be.

What? Where?

I made a reservation
for brunch

at this new place
in Soho.

All right.

And we're gonna
ride our bikes there.

What?

No, no! No more biking!

Why? We had fun
yesterday.

Carrie,
my seat was inme!

Doug, I am serious
about this.

I don't want to spend Saturday
nights on the couch anymore.

I want to live life,

but you gotta keep up
with me, all right?

So, what do you
want me to do?

Okay, well, I want you
to be more open to things

like taking our bikes
to brunch

and maybe going
to an art gallery.

And I think
we should revisit

the whole...
weight watchers thing.

Okay...

change of plans.

WORKER: Whoo-hoo!
Look what's comin'!

Yo, baby,
you look hot.

Uh, but not that hot.

Very attractive
for a woman your age.

Oh, yeah, I'd like to see you
stay home and not go out.

Whoo!

WORKER:
Hey, check it out.

Whoa, step lightly, chunky.

We just fixed that sidewalk.

Yeah, the buffet called.
You win!

You have a mirror
in your pocket?

'Cause you are
really fat.

What the hell?

Get in.

She brought us cupcakes.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Sorry my gift was
a little late, darling,

but picking and choosing from
35 years of wonderful memories

is no easy chore.

Oh, dad,
this is so sweet.

See? There we are together
at your sixth birthday party.

Oh, yeah.

Yes. We had some
marvelous moments.

Yeah, it's just
I don't remember you and me

riding an elephant...

or going to the Oscars.

That's why
we take pictures.

Thank you, daddy.

Mm-hmm.

-What?
-Hey.

I got a delivery
for a Leonard Montclair.

That's my roommate.
I'll take it.

Hey, you're the bouncer
from the club.

What?

The one who wouldn't
let me in. Huh!

Yeah. Just give me
the package.

No, that's all right.

Uh, you know,
I'm sorry.

The problem is I need the
addressee to sign for it, okay?

So I'm gonna have
to throw you a...

[IMITATING BOUNCER]
A "Don't touch."

-Yeah.
-Oh, yeah.

No, no, no,
don't touch.

Don't touch.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]