All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2004) - S07E03 - Furious Gorge_track3_[eng]

[**]

Wow.

Do you know
what Ayatollah Khomeini's

first name was?

What?

Ruholla.

So? What'd you
think it was?

Ayatollah.

Ayatollah's not a name.
It's a title.

Tss!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you just give me a...

tss?

Like I'm some
kind of idiot

for thinking that Ayatollah
could be a first name?

Okay, you're not an idiot.
It's just not a name, okay?

Oh, really?
It just so happens

that I played
high-school baseball

with a guy
named Ayatollah.

-Really?
-Yep.

Ayatollah Rodriguez.

Ayatollah Rodriguez.

It's funny. You never
mentioned him before.

Really? I never
mentioned Tollie?

That's weird, 'cause we
were pretty tight.

I actually took his sister
Beth to the junior prom.

Doug, I want
to make you an offer, okay?

Stop talking right now,

and we can pretend
this never happened.

I'm not gonna pretend
my best friend

from high school
never happened.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

AYATOLLAH: [THICK ACCENT]
Yes, hello. This is...

Ayatollah Rodriguez.

Is my old high-school
baseball friend, Doug, there?

SINGER: *My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

Explain to me

what I'm looking at?

Before you judge me,

let me walk you
through it.

I settled in,
I started eating,

and then I realized

I didn't have a place
to put the bones.

I didn't want to put 'em
on the sheets,

'cause you made it very clear

you don't like that.

Long story short,

I've invented
the shirt plate.

Doug, I left dinner for you
in the refrigerator.

I didn't see it.

No? 'Cause I labeled it
"Doug's dinner."

Oh, I thought that said
"Dog's dinner."

I figured you were
surprising me with a puppy.

Come on.
This isn't funny.

You're telling me.
All day long,

I thought
I was getting a puppy.

Honey,
you promised me

you would stick
to your diet.

Aren't you at all concerned
about your health?

I'll tell you what
I am concerned about.

My blue cheese cup
am empty.

Ow!

Carrie!

Look at this. Low-fat
mayo, cottage cheese,

garden burgers,
all untouched.

Why do I even bother
buying this stuff?

That's what
I've been saying!

Ow!

You got to find
a new go-to move.

Doug, it's just
so frustrating.

I mean over
and over again,

you promise me you're
gonna lose weight,

and then you actually do it,
and then I'm so proud of you,

and then every single
time, without fail,

you fall off the wagon.

And then you
eat the wagon.

Calm down.
I'll be fine.

Doug,
you're not fine, okay?

Your eating is
out of control.

-Would you back it off?
-Yeah, fine, fine.

I will back off.
Okay, 'cause I am tired

of banging my head
against the wall.

You know what?
Here, here.

Have cookies
for dinner, okay?

I give up.
I officially give up.

You happy?

What are you doing?!

You said you gave up!

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm telling you, Doug,
as soon as I heard

about this overeaters
support group,

I had a really good
feeling about it.

And I've got a bad feeling.
It's called hunger.

We just had
a delicious dinner.

It was salmon.

-Salmon's delicious.
-The hell it is.

The only people
who like salmon are bears.

Okay, Doug, you really
need this group, okay?

And, listen, you're
gonna be meeting people

who are struggling with
the same things you are.

It's gonna be me and a roomful
of big, fat losers!

Now that is not true.

Okay, they may be big,

but they are not losers.

I bet you
they're really cool.

Yeah, that guy they had
to cut out of his apartment,

he's super cool.

Well, in a way, he was.

I mean we're talking
about him right now.

And that's cool.

-I don't want to do this.
-Honey, you have to go.

-I don't.
-You do.

Doug Sometimes
when you look at me,

I think you're seeing
a giant pork chop

with my head on it.

With your head on it?

-Get over yourself.
-All right, go.

Is there even any dip?

NEIL: Okay, people,

let's get started.

You there.

You're new.
What's your name?

Me? Uh, Doug.

Welcome, Doug.
I'm Neil.

Please, join us.

Is this how to hem
your own pants?

No, Doug.
This is a group for men

in abusive relationships.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be here.

I'll put these back.
Except for this one,

'cause I put a thumb
print in it already.

-Doug?
-Yeah?

We all know what
you're going through.

You're scared.

You don't want to admit
there's a problem,

but you were brave enough
to come here tonight.

Be brave enough to stay.

Really, I--

I don't belong here.

We all felt that way
at first, Doug.

Yeah, it's true.

So,

why are
you here tonight?

You had doughnuts.
[CHUCKLES]

And who doesn't let you
have doughnuts, Doug?

My wife.
But the thing is--

Does she ever yell at you
about eating doughnuts?

Yeah.

Does it ever get physical?

Hit you, slap you,

throw things at you?

Yesterday,
she twisted my nipples.

And does all of her anger
just make you want to...

eat more?

Okay.

No,

it's not okay, Doug.

But it's how you get by,
isn't it?

So you're saying...

my overeating
is her fault.

I think that's what
you're saying, Doug.

Then she comes in
like hell on wheels,

"You're so fat!

"Don't eat that
off your chest!

I can't believe
you're so fat!"

She wonders
why I gain weight.

I mean, maybe it's 'cause
all the names she calls me.

Fatty.
Chunky.

Sir Eats-a-lot.

So she starts yelling
at the waiter.

Now I can't look
at the poor guy,

and I certainly
can't look at her,

so I look down
at my plate.

Hello, Jambalaya.

You won't twist
my nipples, will you?

Mr. Big-pants.

Fat Damon.

Enormo the clown.

Enormo.

You know what?
My name is Doug.

Just Doug.

[SOBBING]

It's just Doug.

Hey, baby.
How'd it go tonight?

It was good.

Have you
been crying?

A little.

You get into
some stuff in there.

Oh, honey.

I am so proud of you.

-[TIRES SCREECH]
-Hey!

Moron, watch
where you're going!

Magoo, mooooove!

Friggin' idiot.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

I really appreciate you
checking up on me, Neil,

but I'm doing all right.

Yeah, she's gonna
be home any minute,

so I can't stay
on the phone much longer.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yes.
I'll be at the meeting.

All right then.
I'll see you--

what's that?
Oh, yeah.

I will not let
the rage of others

destroy the light in me.

Okay.

Hey, Doug, I'm just
dropping off Arthur's bill,

but I couldn't help
overhearing your conversation.

Are you an alcoholic?

No.

Oh, me, neither.

[NERVOUS LAUGH]

So, what was
that all about?

Oh, it's a long story,
but it turns out

it's Carrie's anger
that makes me eat so much.

-No!
-Yeah, I was surprised, too.

Wow. How about that?

This whole time, she had me
convinced it was my fault,

but my support group
helped me realize

that Carrie's bad temper
is the problem.

She drives me straight
into the loving arms of food.

Maybe that's what happened
with my brother and his wife.

Except that
she drove him straight

into the loving arms
of their nanny.

I'm gonna kill
our pharmacist!

Oh, God.

Come. Through the back door.
We'll drive all night.

Come!

-Hey, Car.
-Hey.

So, I go to pick up
my prescription

from the pharmacy,
and I'm in line

for like 20 freaking minutes

because the pharmacist
is a million years old.

Then I finally get
to the front of the line,

and Rip Van Senile says,

"That'll be $98."

and I go, "No, our
insurance covers this."

and he says,
"No, it doesn't."

I just--
I hate old people.

Where's our
insurance bill?

Maybe it's upstairs.

Why would it be upstairs?
Did you put it there?

No, I--I was just trying
to help you out.

Why are you
acting so weird?

I'm sorry.

What are you sorry about?

I don't know.

Well, just help me find it.

[SIGHS]
You poor man.

[FOREIGNER "COLD AS ICE" PLAYS]

SINGER:
*You're as cold as ice*

*You're willing
to sacrifice our love*

*Cold*

*As*

*Ice*

*As cold as ice to me*

*Cold as ice*

*Ooh-ooh-ooh*

*Cold as*

*Cold as ice*

*You know as cold as ice*

*Cold as ice I know*

*Yes I know*

-Hi, honey.
-Hey, I'm heading out.

Oh, you have your
support group tonight?

-Yes, I do.
-I got to tell you, Doug,

I am really proud
of you, honey.

I mean, I know it was the
last thing you wanted to do,

but you did it,
and you stuck with it,

and now look at you.

-Doug?
-Yeah?

Are you, um...

getting fatter?

No.

No? 'cause it seems
like you're much more...

fatter.

Can't be.
I've been going

to my overeaters group
for weeks.

Are you sure
they're not teaching you

how to overeat?

You know what it is?

They told me I'd gain weight
before I lose it.

Actually,
that's their motto.

"You'll gain weight
before you lose it."

That's a bad motto.

Well, they're fat.
They're not Shakespeare.

-I'll see you later.
-Hey, um...

what do you talk about
at these classes?

I mean,
what gets said?

-What do you mean?
-Well, what's supposed

to motivate you
to lose weight?

Oh, the first class
we talked

about famous fat people,
like Marlon Brando

and that lady
fromThe Practice.

What's the point
of that?

It just gets us
to feel like,

"Hey, you know,
maybe you're fat,

but famous people
are fat, too."

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

What else?

Well, the second day,
obviously,

we talked about
famous skinny people,

like that other lady
fromThe Practice.

And...

Stan Laurel.

Stan Laurel?

Yeah, it gives us a goal
of what we want to look like.

And you want to look
like Stan Laurel?

Hey, from your lips
to God's ears, huh?

All right.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Excuse me.

Is Doug Heffernan here?

Who?

Doug Heffernan.
He's in this class.

No, we don't have
anyone named Doug here.

Isn't this the overeaters
support group?

No, this is
Jazzercise.

Why do you
have to hurt?

You know what it is?

You got to continuously
remind yourself

it's not your fault.

Oh, my God. This is made
with real butter.

Hello, Doug.

-Carrie.
-Oh, God.

Maury, this is
my wife, Carrie.

Hello.

Okay, you have 5 seconds

to tell me
what's going on here.

What's going on here is
I'm in the middle

of my overeaters group.

Doug,

you're eating cake.

Yes, but what
you didn't see is

we eat the cake while looking
at a picture of Hitler.

That's how they get us
to hate cake.

Yuck!

Okay, what is going on?
What group is this?

All right.
It might be a class

for men
in abusive relationships.

What?

Yeah, that's right.

I came for the doughnuts,
but I stayed for the insights.

What insights?

Well, I learned that...

your anger makes me eat.

What?!

That's right.

Whenever you get mad,
you start yelling at me,

I need an escape,
so I turn to food.

That makes you my--

-what do you call her again?
-Your behavior catalyst.

Behavior catalyst, okay?

So, if you want to blame
somebody for my weight,

maybe you should take
a hard look in the mirror.

You're a lying
sack of crap.

Great.
Now I'm hungry.

Carrie...

I'm Neil.
Welcome.

Doug is simply
trying to break

a cycle of verbal
and physical abuse.

Physical abuse?

He told you that
I physically abuse him?

He told us
about everything, Carrie.

The purple nurples.

The atomic wedgies.

That scar on his arm.

You got that scar from a
hot dog eating contest!

Yeah, a hot dog
eating contest

I only entered
because you're so mean!

Oh, really? And did you
also set a new record

'cause I'm so mean?

Could be.

Let me ask you
something, Neil.

Did he happen to mention
that he was fat

the day that I met him?

-Well, no.
-No.

Because he was.

Yeah,
what were you then?

Huh?
High two hundreds?

No, not high.

Mid to high.

And did he also
happen to mention

that he was the biggest
kid in nursery school?

That all the other parents
thought he was a teacher?

-No.
-No.

Tell him about
the special desk, Doug.

All right, fine! So maybe
I was fat when I met you,

but you know what?
You're still an angry person.

Well, I'm angry because
you're always eating.

And I'm always eating
'cause you're always angry.

Okay, looks like we have
a little chicken-and-egg

thing going on right now.

Oh, I bet you want to have
chicken and eggs now, huh?

Okay, that's it.
You know what?

I'll go to
my overeaters group

if you go to
an Anger Management group.

I don't need
anger management.

Oh, really? Why don't
you tell that to Maury,

who you almost ran over,

or that pharmacist
who you yelled at

or that librarian
you got fired?

All right, okay,
sometimes I get mad,

but that's only
because I have to.

Oh, really? Why don't you tell
that to the sidewalk Santa

that you cursed out
last Christmas?

Let me tell you
something.

If it'll make you go down
a couple of neck sizes,

I will go
to anger management.

Great, 'cause they have a class
going on upstairs right now.

Well, I'll go if you'll go
to your overeaters group.

-Fine!
-Let's do it!

Let's do it!

This is for
the chicken-and-egg crack.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

DOUG: This is great.

We haven't had
date night in a while.

I know.
Well, we deserve it.

I mean, you're
sticking to your diet.

Got my rice cakes.

And I've mellowed out.

It's--it's much better.

-Much better.
-Yeah.

And my nipples
have healed up nicely.

Those are taken.

Oh, okay.
Excuse me.

Uh, uh, uh.
Those, too.

All the way down
to that guy.

Okay,

one guy saving
20 seats.

No law against that.

[CHUCKLES]

See? How good was I?

That was very good.

But where are
we gonna sit?

Never sat
in the front row before.

Me, neither.

Mmm.

Plain.

Tell me if anything good
happens over there.

Right.

Yeah, I think it's great

that we're trying
to improve ourselves.

Oh, yeah.

I just think that
all these improvements

are upsetting
our balance as a couple.

Yeah. Something's
a little off, right?

I mean,

what should we do?

Well, I'm just gonna throw
this out at you, okay?

What if were to let you
eat these milk duds?

Would you let me
go back there

to the seats
we're supposed to be in

and drop-kick that
douche into the lobby?

I didn't hear a word
after "milk duds."

Thank God.

CARRIE: What, do you
own the movie theater?

Move the coat,

or I'm gonna shove it
down your throat!

There you go.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Check it out.

I made a Milk Dud sandwich.

It's a dudwich.

Ron was supposed to be saving
these seats for us.

You're up again.

You're all gonna die.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]