All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2004) - S07E01 - Lost Vegas_track3_[eng]

SINGER: * My eyes
are gettin' weary*

* My back is gettin' tight*

* I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

* On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

* But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

* Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

* 'Cause, baby,
all my life*

* I will be drivin' home
to you*

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

-DANNY: Hey.
-Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, you guys
remember, uh, Steve,

the guy I worked with
at the pizzeria?

-No.
-No.

All right. Well, remember
how he moved to Las Vegas

-a couple years ago?
-Yes, Danny.

I don't remember Steve,
but I have a very clear memory

of where he moved.

All right. Well, the guy's
a real big shot now

and he works for
one of these hotels

that looks like
something in Europe.

Uh, a Pyramid, I think.

-And?
-And he still has his

classic Corvette garage
here in Queens.

He said if I drive it
out to Vegas for him,

he'll hook us up--
free hotel, free food.

-Are you serious?
-Yes, yes!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Is this for real,

or is this
just another one

of your desperate
ploys to be liked?

No, this one's
totally legit.

SPENCE: Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

We don't have to act
as drug mules, do we?

I mean, I'll do it.
I just need prep time.

No, no, no.
This is no strings attached.

I pick up the car
on Tuesday,

I drive it out there.
You guys fly out and meet me.

Who's in?

-I'm in.
-I'm in.

Well, let's just say
I'm all in.

I just gotta
run it by Kelly.

[IMITATES WHIP]

[LAUGHS]

Don't you have
to ask Carrie?

Actually, yeah, I do.

I don't have to ask
anyone permission.

That's why I'm single.

Yeah, that's why.

Are you sure you can
get this by Carrie?

I mean,
she wouldn't even let you

buy those walkie-talkies.

Hey, that's not over,
and, yeah,

I can handle Carrie
when I need to.

You know what?

I gotta pick her up
at her salon at 5:00.

I'll just say
somethin' like,

"Carrie, have I told you

you look even more beautiful
than the day I met you?"

she'll melt like butter,

and then it's hello,
angry drunken gambling!

Yes!

Carrie,
have I told you

you look even
more beautiful

than the day
I met you?

What's that?

You want me to go
to Vegas for the weekend?

Ha! Okay.

[THINKING]
Double-stuffed apple pie.

I heard they were workin'
on something like that.

Yes, I'd like to try
your new double-stuffed

fudge-covered
apple pie.

CASHIER:
Will that be all?

You know, as long
as you got the grill on,

I'll take a double
whammer with cheese.

[THUNDER]

Come on.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, napkins.
Okay, yeah.

[THUNDER]

Uh, could we hurry
this up, please?

I--I really need
to get goin'.

Oh, the pie's
not ready.

They have
to heat the fudge

because it's
too thick to pour.

Too thick to...

I'll wait.

[THUNDER]

[HONKS CAR HORN]

[THUNDER]

Hey. How's it goin'?

Where the hell
have you been?

There was a huge accident
way back.

Like, 3 tractor trailers
hit another tractor trailer.

It was, like, jackknifed,
and there were, like,

people lined up
for miles.

And they, uh,
the cops came,

and it was a whole--they gotta
put in a light over there.

What?

Is that fudge
on your face?

How that get there?

Did you stop for fudge?

Have I told you
you're more beautiful

than the day I met you?

[THUNDER]

I can't believe you screwed up
our whole Vegas plan for fudge.

Again, it was
too thick to pour.

I just bought a very expensive
neck pillow.

Now I have nowhere to fly.
Thanks a lot.

Look, we can sit
around here all day

trying to decide
who's at fault, okay?

But I say we work
on a solution.

The solution was
not to hit the drive-thru

and leave your wife
in the rain.

Yeah? Tell it
to the belly, okay?

Look, it's not that bad.

I didn't
even ask her yet.

I just
gotta figure a way

to get back on her good side--
build up enough credit

so she forgets about
the whole rain thing.

No, man, that
just gets you even.

You gotta earn extra credit
to get us to Vegas.

You know,
you might be right.

Gosh, I need
somethin' huge.

You know, somethin'
nice, thoughtful.

Somethin' sensitive.

Somethin'
almost gay.

What do you got?

Well...

you could take her
to a wellness spa.

That sounds
pretty gay.

What is it?

It's a place where
they rejuvenate you

spiritually
and physically.

I went to one
in the Poconos.

They have a great
couples package.

Couples?

Well, not only couples
in the sense

of 2 married
or dating people.

It could be a couple
of friends, or, uh...

A son and his mother.

We had separate beds.

That sounds like something
Carrie would love

and it would get you
the credit you need.

Yeah, it's just
the whole idea of wellness.

It just sounds wrong.

Ah.
Hey, don't worry about it.

The wellness will bounce off you
like bullets off Superman.

You know what? You're right.

Three days
at a wellness center

can't put a dent in me.

I use bacon as a condiment.

Hey, Arthur.
Is Doug here?

No. He and Carrie
left for the weekend.

SPENCE: Oh, that's right.

I was gonna
ask him something

about our Vegas trip.

You're going to Vegas?
Las Vegas?

Yeah.

I got a foolproof
card-counting system

to beat the house
at blackjack.

Works every time.

If you've got
this winning system,

why do you still live
in Doug's basement?

Why haven't you paid me back
the $37 you owe me?

You want
your filthy money, fine.

Let's settle this thing
once and for all.

You wanna learn
the system or not?

Yeah.

The fee is $37.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

And this will be
your living space

for the weekend,
and you don't need a key.

Here at the Zen
Wellness Center,

we don't believe
in locks.

Oh. Maybe you should.

'Cause it looks like
you've been robbed.

I gotta tell ya,
I ain't hatin' this.

So, uh, is the TV
in the other room,

or does it pop out
of something?

There's no TV.

We believe that
TV is the gateway

to negative thoughts
and sadness.

Not if you have
the football package.

Honey. You're gonna
love the bathroom.

They have a tub you
can land a plane in.

Ah. That sounds
like a lot of fun.

CARRIE: Heh Heh.

So is the, uh, TV
in the bar?

We don't have a bar.

I need to speak
to your supervisor.

Well, here's a list
of our treatment options.

Have a wonderful stay.

Okay.

CARRIE: Okay, honey,

to avoid a repeat
of the honeymoon incident,

the second thing in there
is not a toilet.

It's a bidet.

Okay, thanks
for the heads up.

You're gonna love this place.
Look at this.

Aroma therapy,
Shiatsu massage,

and to bring it
all home,

colon irrigation.

How great
is this place, huh?

No, it's great.
It's pretty great.

Just one question,
though.

What's goin' on?

What do you mean?

Well,
the whole takin' me away

to a spa for a weekend
doesn't really sync up

with the rest
of our marriage.

What, a husband
can't do something nice

for his wife just to do it?

Well, something's goin' on.

Oh. I see.
Something's got to be going on

for me to do something nice?
Is that how it works?

Something's gotta be going on.

Look, Doug,
I didn't mean it that way, okay?

It's just,
I'm surprised, that's all.

Yeah, well,
did it ever occur to you

that I'm tryin'
to be a better man?

A new and improved
Doug, huh?

You know what?
Just forget it.

Look, honey,
I just thought--

Yeah, it's pretty clear
what you thought.

Doug, I'm sorry, honey.

This was a very sweet
thing for you to do,

and I love the new
and improved Doug.

I'm just tryin'
to make you happy, you know?

And I am happy.
I am.

That's what
a relationship's about,

makin' each other happy,
you know?

-Yes.
-I mean, if there was something

out there that made me happy,

I'm sure you'd want me
to do it, right?

-Of course I would.
-Of course you would.

Ah, these are the moments,
honey, we gotta remember.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Now, the cards
you wanna count

are the tens, jacks,
queens, kings.

-Okay, I got that.
-And so you can communicate

without arousing suspicion,
each card has a nickname.

Say hello
to Alfred Lord Tennyson,

Johnny Switchblade,

Mississippi Mabel,

and the Farmer in the Dell.

Aren't there shorter names
that make sense?

This is the system.

Why can't you be
more like Rain Man?

Okay, okay, those--
those names are fine.

Now, sometimes your eyes
can give you away,

so I want you
to wear these.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Why are you wearing
gym stuff?

That's what
they told me to wear

when I signed up
for the men's wellness package.

Oh, I signed up for
the relaxation package.

What's the difference?

-Aah!
-All right. Breathe, breathe,

breathe through
your center.

I can't feel my center.

-[EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
-Mmm.

Oh, come--Oh, come on.

Reach back and grab your heel.

Okay, and 7 more.

6 and 5 and 4 and 3--

you can do 2 more!

[EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[SIGHS]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Ohh.

Unh.

Unh.

Unh.

Unh!

This better be good.

Hey, Doug, it's me.
How's the spa thing going?

It's brutal.
They're killin' me here.

Come on.
It can't be that bad.

Tomorrow,
I'm scheduled for them

to pour coffee
into a part of my body

where it doesn't belong.

I'm tellin' you, man,
I'm outta here.

DEACON: But Danny's
already driving.

You have to stick it out
for Vegas.

-I can't do it.
-You can.

Now come on, man.
Gambling, buffets,

-free drinks.
-I just can't do it.

Hey, you know what I heard
just opened up downtown?

A topless doughnut shop.

A topless doughnut shop?

Do they make 'em fresh?

Every hour.

All right.
I'm back in...

for Vegas.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

May I take your car, sir?

Oh, hey. Uh, yeah.
That'd be great.

How could you
possibly think

there'd be valet parking
at a diner in Kutztown, Ohio?

I have never
been to Ohio.

I don't know
the local customs.

I got all this credit
with Carrie

and nothin'
to use it on.

Well, why don't you
just save it

and put it in the bank

and use it
for another thing?

You can't put
wife credit in the bank.

-Why not?
-It's like a piece of fish.

As soon as you get it,
it starts goin' bad.

He's right. With
each passing minute,

Carrie's forgettin'
all about that spa.

I gotta use
that credit quick

or it's
gonna be gone.

What do I wanna do?
What could be fun?

Help me find
somethin' fun.

-Come on, look.
-Um...

Oh, hey,
the Lipizzaner Stallions

are coming
to the equestrian center.

Great. You and Mommy
can have a good time.

-What?
-Ah. Garfield.

Hey, hey, how about this?

Tony Orlando's doin' a show
right here in Queens.

I'm just sayin'
the man had a lot of hits.

Still. Keep lookin'.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Arthur,
what are we doing here?

I thought you said
we were gonna go see

-the Lipizzaner Stallions.
-After we clean out this place,

you can buy all the
high-steppin' horses you want.

This casino night
is for charity.

It doesn't feel right.

Look, you blew
your shot in Vegas.

But that doesn't mean
all our hard work

should go to waste.

Now let's
light this candle.

I read 3 books
by Alfred Lord Tennyson.

In one of them,
Mississippi Mabel

and the Farmer in the Dell
had a double date.

Hit me.

21. Another winner.

Spence Olchin,
is that you?

Oh, Father Sheehan, hi.

Why don't you
take a break?

I'll deal for a while.

Haven't seen you in confession
in a while, Spence.

Uh, I've been
doing it online.

Ah. Blackjack.

Ha!
Help me out!

And the rich get richer.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, God, I can't
take it anymore!

I--I've been cheating.
I've been counting cards.

Here, take my chips.
Please forgive me, Father.

Well, it appears
this seat is open.

I'm gonna need
a line of credit.

Kelly's lettin' you go?

All right. Well,
it's gonna be awesome, Deac.

[DOOR OPENS]

-I'm home.
-Yeah,

you know what?
Carrie's here.

Uh, I'll call you back
as soon as I get the thumbs up.

Hey, there's
my special little gal.

You know, that was, uh,
Deac on the phone...

Oh, I had the worst day.
Where's our aspirin?

Oh, good. Here it is.

What happened?

Oh, work
was a nightmare,

and on the way home,
the subway stalled,

and I was wedged up
against some guy

who was morally
opposed to showering.

So I just feel
pretty crappy.

Well, I don't want you
to feel crappy.

I want you to feel good.

You know, like you felt
when I took you to that spa.

Oh, right, that. Well,
compared to the day I had today,

the spa feels like that
was a thousand years ago.

Yeah, but it wasn't.

It was just
this past weekend.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we get you
back to that

relaxed spa frame of mind
right now? Come on.

No, honey,
I just wanna go upstairs

and get the smell
of unwashed hippie

-out of my nose, okay?
-Uh, come on.

I'll just give you
a quick little massage

here on the couch.
It'll be nice.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, sit right down.

-Thank you, honey.
-[LAUGHS]

There you go.

Okay.

Oh, how does
that feel, huh?

-It's good.
-Good.

This is really
sweet of you.

No problem.
You know what?

I got another
surprise for you.

You remember that
sounds of the Ocean CD,

the relaxation one
they had at the spa?

Oh, you got it?

Nope. But
I don't need it.

[IMITATING OCEAN WAVES]

[IMITATING SEAGULL SQUAWKING]

[IMITATING FOGHORN]

[IMITATING DOG BARKING]

[IMITATES CAT MEOWING]

What the hell was that?

It's--
it's a beach cat.

That's right.
It's a beach cat. Relax.

It feels good,
doesn't it?

Yeah. Honey,
I gotta tell you,

you've been
really sweet lately.

I like the new
and improved Doug.

Well, you know what?
You deserve it.

Yeah? Well, how about
you come upstairs

and I show you the new
and improved Carrie?

Oh. All right. Wow.

And how about tonight
we play High Society Lady

and Sweaty Cabana boy?

Really? But you said
what cabana boy wanna do

no es bueno.

Well, since you did
the spa thing for me,

I think I can
do this for you.

Since I did
the spa thing.

No, wait!

I believe I asked
for a margarita

and a fresh towel
an hour ago, Pepe.

Where are they?

[SIGHS]
I just don't think

we should do this
right now, Carrie.

Okay, my name is not Carrie.
It's Penelope Van Smythe.

Now get on
the lounge chair,

you filthy cabana boy.

Look, I just--I just--
you know what it is?

I pulled a hammy on
the way up the stairs.

Okay, okay, I get it.
I get it.

You're puttin' up a fight.

Now you stay
on this lounge chair

-or I will have you fired, Pepe.
-Okay. You know what?

I don't wanna do this.
Stop it. I don't--

-Stop it!
-What's the matter with you?

-I don't wanna do it!
-Why?

I don't wanna waste
my credit on sex!

What?

The credit I get
for taking you to the spa.

I wanna use it to go
to the Indian Casino

to watch the Ultimate Fighting
Championship this weekend.

Okay, let me see
if I understand this correctly.

You only took me
to the spa

because you
wanted a credit

which you don't
wanna waste

by having sex with me?

It sounds bad when you
lay it out like that.

Oh, my God, Doug!
I can't believe you!

There's no new
and improved Doug.

It's just the same old
selfish, lying Doug.

I like to refer to it
as "Doug Classic".

Look, it doesn't matter
why I took you to the spa.

The point
is you had a good time,

and I should
get credit for that!

Oh, ho! Okay.

Not only do you not get
any credit for the spa.

But you just forfeited
any possible credit

for years to come

for you and Pepe!

But I went through hell!
They put coffee in me!

And I hope
it was pipin' hot.

I deserve somethin'!

SINGER:
* Tie a yellow ribbon*

* 'Round the old Oak Tree*

-* It's been 3 long years*
-The man does have

-a lot of hits.
-* Do you still want me?*

* Do you want me?*

Hey!

Blackjack.
You win again.

Well, looks like you've
cleaned us out.

I guess the orphans
will have to spend

the summer in the city.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

I'll take this in cash,
please.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]