All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2001) - S03E21 - Departure Time_track3_[eng]
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1
00:00:03,080 --> 00:00:04,580
SINGER: *
My eyes
are gettin' weary*
2
00:00:04,620 --> 00:00:07,170
*
My back is
gettin' tight*
3
00:00:07,210 --> 00:00:09,050
* I'm sittin' here
in traffic*
4
00:00:09,090 --> 00:00:11,670
*
On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*
5
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:17,510
*
But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*
6
00:00:17,550 --> 00:00:23,230
*
Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*
7
00:00:23,270 --> 00:00:24,980
*
'Cause, baby,
all my life*
8
00:00:25,020 --> 00:00:29,480
*
I will be drivin' home
to you*
9
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:37,530
DOUG: Today? Really?
That's great!
10
00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:39,740
3:00? Yeah, sure,
you know what, no problem.
11
00:00:39,780 --> 00:00:40,870
We're wide open today.
12
00:00:40,910 --> 00:00:41,950
No, we're not.
13
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,040
You know what,
don't worry about it.
14
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:44,210
It's no problem.
15
00:00:44,250 --> 00:00:45,540
Doug, who are
you talking to?
16
00:00:45,580 --> 00:00:47,500
Look--look we want to see you.
We're coming.
17
00:00:47,540 --> 00:00:48,960
Doug! Hello!
18
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:50,920
It's fine, yup. Okay.
19
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:54,220
Pay attention to me!
20
00:00:54,260 --> 00:00:56,340
Got it. Okay, bye,
mom.
21
00:00:56,380 --> 00:00:57,510
Ooh!
22
00:00:57,550 --> 00:00:59,050
Nice job. Now I'm
gonna hear her voice
23
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:00,600
every time I see those.
24
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:01,890
So, am I getting
25
00:01:01,930 --> 00:01:03,310
your parents are coming
out here today?
26
00:01:03,350 --> 00:01:05,520
Yeah, yeah, they're flying
to Montreal for a wedding,
27
00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,480
and it turns out they got
a 45-minute layover
28
00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:09,560
at JFK, so we're gonna
drive out and see them.
29
00:01:09,610 --> 00:01:11,610
Well, Doug, even if I wasn't
really busy today,
30
00:01:11,650 --> 00:01:13,820
that sounds like
a big pain in the ass.
31
00:01:13,860 --> 00:01:15,150
Hey, come on,
it's my parents!
32
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,530
I know, and I love them,
believe me.
33
00:01:16,570 --> 00:01:18,450
It's just to drive
there, find parking,
34
00:01:18,490 --> 00:01:21,370
a 45-minute visit's
gonna take 4 hours.
35
00:01:21,410 --> 00:01:23,160
A 4-hour inconvenience
with my parents,
36
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:27,750
as opposed to
in my house
always.
37
00:01:30,460 --> 00:01:32,550
Doug, you may have never
made a better point.
38
00:01:32,590 --> 00:01:34,420
Yeah. Dad, we're
gonna have to move
39
00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:36,760
your haircut appointment
today. I'm sorry.
40
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:37,970
What? Why?
41
00:01:38,010 --> 00:01:39,220
Doug's parents are
coming into town.
42
00:01:39,260 --> 00:01:41,100
Well, well, well,
stop the world.
43
00:01:41,140 --> 00:01:42,430
The Heffernans
have deigned
44
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:44,770
to grace us
with their presence.
45
00:01:44,810 --> 00:01:45,770
Would you stop?
46
00:01:45,810 --> 00:01:47,350
They're
very nice people.
47
00:01:47,390 --> 00:01:49,400
Yeah, well, I'm down here
in the trenches
48
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,060
doing the heavy lifting
of parenting,
49
00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:52,650
then they waltz
into town
50
00:01:52,690 --> 00:01:53,940
and get all the glory.
51
00:01:53,980 --> 00:01:56,820
Yes, you're
an unsung hero.
52
00:02:01,660 --> 00:02:02,990
DOUG: Come on,
I want to meet them
53
00:02:03,030 --> 00:02:04,120
when they get off
the plane.
54
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:05,200
I can't believe
you made me
55
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:06,330
change my haircut
appointment.
56
00:02:06,370 --> 00:02:07,500
Dad, we are
taking you there
57
00:02:07,540 --> 00:02:08,750
right after this,
and listen,
58
00:02:08,790 --> 00:02:09,870
you're not
the only one
59
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:11,290
who had
to move stuff, okay?
60
00:02:11,330 --> 00:02:13,340
I had to change
my manicure to 6:00,
61
00:02:13,380 --> 00:02:15,300
and I had to
cancel the toes.
62
00:02:15,340 --> 00:02:16,970
All right?
So suck it up.
63
00:02:17,010 --> 00:02:19,090
We are doing this
for Doug's parents.
64
00:02:19,130 --> 00:02:20,180
Yeah, well,
while we're at it,
65
00:02:20,220 --> 00:02:22,220
why don't we tweak
the earth's axis
66
00:02:22,260 --> 00:02:24,140
to make the weather
more pleasant for them.
67
00:02:24,180 --> 00:02:25,680
Uh!
68
00:02:27,390 --> 00:02:29,690
Think my mom will
bring us lemon squares?
69
00:02:29,730 --> 00:02:31,020
Has she ever not?
70
00:02:31,060 --> 00:02:32,270
Nah.
71
00:02:32,310 --> 00:02:33,270
Nah, she always does.
72
00:02:33,310 --> 00:02:35,480
Just gonna get a drink of water.
73
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,320
Come on, Arthur,
can't you grab it later?
74
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,650
ARTHUR: Hold your horses,
I'm thirsty.
75
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,330
What the hell just happened?
76
00:02:44,370 --> 00:02:46,200
Oh, that was good water.
77
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,880
Check it! Make him check it.
78
00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:55,250
All right, guy, you know what
it's not working, guy.
79
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:56,300
You gotta... it's too big.
You gotta check it.
80
00:02:56,340 --> 00:02:57,710
You gotta check the bag.
81
00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:58,720
No, you gotta check it.
82
00:02:58,760 --> 00:02:59,760
You gotta check it.
83
00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:01,300
All right, here you go.
84
00:03:02,470 --> 00:03:03,760
Sorry.
85
00:03:05,890 --> 00:03:08,020
Oh, good, the doors
aren't even open yet.
86
00:03:08,060 --> 00:03:09,480
See? We didn't
miss
bupkes.
87
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:12,690
The hurrier you go,
the behinder you gets.
88
00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:16,860
[SIGHS]
89
00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:18,570
Can I borrow
that pen?
90
00:03:18,610 --> 00:03:20,280
Thanks.
91
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:21,360
What are you doing?
92
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,320
Just shutee
and watchee.
93
00:03:26,330 --> 00:03:30,040
Thanks. Nyah?
94
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,040
Hey, not gonna
lie to you, Doug.
95
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:33,790
It's borderline
embarrassing.
96
00:03:33,830 --> 00:03:34,920
You kidding me?
97
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,300
This is gonna
go over
huge.
98
00:03:43,260 --> 00:03:44,760
Is that them?
99
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,850
Nope.
100
00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:51,310
Arm hurts!
101
00:03:54,770 --> 00:03:58,230
You know, it's okay
to let this thing go.
102
00:03:58,270 --> 00:04:01,030
It's gonna be hilarious.
103
00:04:01,070 --> 00:04:02,990
JANET:
Carrie, Doug, Arthur!
104
00:04:03,030 --> 00:04:04,570
-CARRIE: Hi.
-Excuse me,
105
00:04:04,610 --> 00:04:07,740
are you
"Mom and Dad"?
106
00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:08,910
What's this for?
107
00:04:08,950 --> 00:04:10,000
It's like when
you get a limo.
108
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:11,120
-You got a limo?
-Oh, Doug,
109
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:12,500
I hope
you didn't get a limo.
110
00:04:12,540 --> 00:04:13,870
We got a connecting
flight, remember?
111
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,580
You told him it was
just a layover, right?
112
00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:17,000
-Well, of course I did!
-JOE: Why do you waste a $100
113
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:18,340
-on a limo?
-I didn't get one.
114
00:04:18,380 --> 00:04:19,590
Darling, we just
don't have the time.
115
00:04:19,630 --> 00:04:21,090
Okay, okay, here's what's
going on here.
116
00:04:21,130 --> 00:04:22,260
Doug thought
it would be cute
117
00:04:22,300 --> 00:04:23,720
to pretend he was
a limo driver.
118
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,050
There's no car,
everything's fine,
119
00:04:26,090 --> 00:04:27,180
the joke didn't land,
120
00:04:27,220 --> 00:04:30,350
so let's all just
hug and say hi now.
121
00:04:30,390 --> 00:04:32,180
Oh, my baby!
122
00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:33,440
JOE: Good to see you,
Dougie boy!
123
00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:37,440
[LAUGHS]
Hello, Arthur.
124
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,020
I brought
a couple of goodies
125
00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:40,610
from the Sunshine State.
126
00:04:40,650 --> 00:04:42,360
There's a little
somethin' for everyone.
127
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:43,950
Oh, that's so nice.
128
00:04:43,990 --> 00:04:45,030
For Carrie,
129
00:04:45,070 --> 00:04:46,950
from my favorite store
at the Boca Mall.
130
00:04:46,990 --> 00:04:49,950
Oh, this is great.
131
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:52,870
Okay, I'll just wear both.
Here we go. Thank you.
132
00:04:52,910 --> 00:04:56,250
So, uh, why aren't I
eating a lemon square?
133
00:04:56,290 --> 00:04:59,170
Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry.
134
00:04:59,210 --> 00:05:01,000
I forgot.
135
00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:02,010
Just kiddin'.
136
00:05:02,050 --> 00:05:05,130
[ALL LAUGH]
137
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:07,140
Don't do that, okay?
Come on, gimme one.
138
00:05:07,180 --> 00:05:08,430
-After lunch.
-Gimme 'em.
139
00:05:08,470 --> 00:05:09,930
Hey, hey, good
to see you, Spooner.
140
00:05:09,970 --> 00:05:11,510
-Heffernan.
-Got a little something
141
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:13,310
for you, too.
Real deal.
142
00:05:13,350 --> 00:05:16,190
[SNIFFS]
Cubano.
143
00:05:16,230 --> 00:05:18,560
Enjoy it, on me.
144
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,990
And so it begins.
145
00:05:28,450 --> 00:05:29,620
Think your sister's
gonna make it?
146
00:05:29,660 --> 00:05:30,780
Oh, she said she'd try.
147
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,200
She's, uh, reffin'
a girl's soccer game.
148
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,330
Oh, that's a good way
to meet a man.
149
00:05:34,370 --> 00:05:37,290
Well, since we don't
have much time,
150
00:05:37,330 --> 00:05:38,380
-Oh.
-Yes,
151
00:05:38,420 --> 00:05:40,670
the dreaded
"to do" file.
152
00:05:40,710 --> 00:05:42,840
Just a couple of things.
153
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:44,340
We're not gonna see you
on your birthday,
154
00:05:44,380 --> 00:05:46,010
so we got you
an early card.
155
00:05:46,050 --> 00:05:47,800
Happy 30-bump-bump.
156
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,850
Hey! A $100 bill.
157
00:05:51,890 --> 00:05:54,020
Mmm. Hey,
much nicer than the 50
158
00:05:54,060 --> 00:05:55,180
you gave me last year.
159
00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:56,520
I told you
we only gave him 50.
160
00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,900
Ah, too late.
This is now the minimum.
161
00:05:58,940 --> 00:06:00,900
So, come on. How about giving me
a lemon square, huh?
162
00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:02,150
Well, just one.
163
00:06:02,190 --> 00:06:03,360
I don't want to spoil
your appetite.
164
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,110
Yet to happen.
165
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:10,530
Something's--
something's different.
166
00:06:10,570 --> 00:06:13,080
Oh, since we're now
in Florida,
167
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:14,330
I'm using real lemons
168
00:06:14,370 --> 00:06:16,910
instead of that
fake bottled stuff.
169
00:06:17,790 --> 00:06:19,080
Hmm.
170
00:06:25,090 --> 00:06:26,760
What's the matter
with you?
171
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,380
I wasn't told
there'd be gift-giving.
172
00:06:29,430 --> 00:06:32,430
Dad, it was just
a nice gesture.
173
00:06:32,470 --> 00:06:34,970
Yeah, well, I'm familiar
with that gesture.
174
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:38,230
It means I'm nothing
and they're aristocrats.
175
00:06:38,270 --> 00:06:40,100
Joe owned
a hardware store.
176
00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:42,520
Did you see how he shoved
that cigar down my pocket?
177
00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:44,650
Like he was tipping
a bellhop.
178
00:06:44,690 --> 00:06:46,030
I can't even stand
looking at it.
179
00:06:46,070 --> 00:06:49,280
All right, well, great,
now you don't have to.
180
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:50,910
What else here?
181
00:06:50,950 --> 00:06:55,290
Oh, this cartoon reminded me
of you, sweetie.
182
00:06:55,330 --> 00:06:56,540
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
183
00:06:56,580 --> 00:06:58,580
You see? The dog
is driving a truck
184
00:06:58,620 --> 00:07:00,170
just like you do.
185
00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:05,670
Oh, yeah. I'll put it
with the others.
186
00:07:05,710 --> 00:07:07,880
Well, what,
uh, what is this?
187
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:10,880
Oh, just some papers
we need you to sign.
188
00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:13,390
A living will?
189
00:07:13,430 --> 00:07:15,060
It just says if ever
there's a problem
190
00:07:15,100 --> 00:07:17,140
that you shouldn't
use any artificial means
191
00:07:17,180 --> 00:07:19,810
to keep your dad
and me alive.
192
00:07:19,850 --> 00:07:24,110
Is there a reason the cartoon
is attached to it, or...
193
00:07:24,150 --> 00:07:26,780
No, I was just
savin' a staple.
194
00:07:26,820 --> 00:07:28,690
You sign right here
beside the sticker,
195
00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:31,610
and then you initial
right there,
196
00:07:31,650 --> 00:07:35,030
next to the section
about comas.
197
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,700
Uh-huh.
198
00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:38,120
Oh, we'd better
go to the bathroom
199
00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:39,290
before the food comes.
200
00:07:39,330 --> 00:07:40,620
How do you know
I have to go?
201
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:43,290
I'm sure
you have to go.
202
00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:44,830
She's right.
203
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:58,970
ARTHUR: Those Heffernans--
always trying to show me up.
204
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,480
You know when it started,
don't you?
205
00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:02,230
The day I let them
pay for your wedding.
206
00:08:02,270 --> 00:08:04,560
Dad, don't start
with that now, please.
207
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:05,650
You were out of a job.
208
00:08:05,690 --> 00:08:07,020
They did
a very nice thing.
209
00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:09,110
Yes, but did it have
to be so lavish?
210
00:08:09,150 --> 00:08:12,200
Oh, sure. Everybody's gotta have
a glass of champagne.
211
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:13,200
Okay.
212
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:14,610
You already
made your feelings
213
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,990
very clear on
our wedding video.
214
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:18,540
Well, they're not
the only ones
215
00:08:18,580 --> 00:08:20,080
who can give
flashy gifts.
216
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,160
Dad, you don't have
to buy them anything.
217
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:25,210
Yes, I do.
Today, I even the score,
218
00:08:25,250 --> 00:08:28,710
although I am
a bit short on cash.
219
00:08:28,750 --> 00:08:29,960
Darling,
uh, would you mind
220
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,920
floatin' me over
a few balloons?
221
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,220
-No.
-Come on!
222
00:08:33,260 --> 00:08:35,800
No. Dad, I--I am paying
for the food,
223
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:36,890
and the rest
I'm saving
224
00:08:36,930 --> 00:08:39,260
for something
not insane.
225
00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:43,230
Fine. I gave you life,
but whatever.
226
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:46,060
Douglas, quick.
227
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:48,110
I need to borrow
some cash.
228
00:08:48,150 --> 00:08:50,230
I only got, like,
10 bucks on me.
229
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,360
Well, what have we here,
a c-note?
230
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,900
Oh, yeah.
I forgot about that.
231
00:08:54,950 --> 00:08:57,370
As you know,
I'm good for it.
232
00:08:57,410 --> 00:09:01,160
Okay, there goes
a crap-load of burgers.
233
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,580
Hey, where is everyone?
234
00:09:04,620 --> 00:09:05,830
Look at this thing.
235
00:09:05,870 --> 00:09:07,420
Look what my parents
gave me to sign.
236
00:09:07,460 --> 00:09:08,500
Look at that.
237
00:09:08,540 --> 00:09:09,920
-A living will?
-Yeah, look at this.
238
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,710
I get to be "the conservator
of their person,"
239
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,010
which basically means,
240
00:09:14,050 --> 00:09:16,090
if they stub their toe,
I fly in and waste 'em.
241
00:09:16,130 --> 00:09:17,510
All right, calm down.
You know what?
242
00:09:17,550 --> 00:09:19,140
We do these at the law firm
all the time.
243
00:09:19,180 --> 00:09:20,470
It's actually
a good idea.
244
00:09:20,510 --> 00:09:23,390
It's a terrible idea.
Look at this.
245
00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:24,350
Look, they checked
246
00:09:24,390 --> 00:09:25,940
"do not resuscitate"
on everything.
247
00:09:25,980 --> 00:09:27,350
It's like they can't
die fast enough.
248
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,270
Doug, it's not
that they want to die,
249
00:09:29,310 --> 00:09:31,360
it's just that they're trying
to plan for the future.
250
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:32,690
You know,
on the off chance
251
00:09:32,730 --> 00:09:34,320
that they're ever
in a...
252
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:36,490
-vegetative state.
-Vegetative state?
253
00:09:36,530 --> 00:09:38,280
They were just supposed
to bring me lemon squares.
254
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:41,200
Okay, I know
this is stressful,
255
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:44,250
but it's
what they want.
256
00:09:44,290 --> 00:09:46,620
Did you, uh, sign one of these
for your dad?
257
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:47,960
Actually,
he checked "yes"
258
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,750
to anything they could do
to keep him alive.
259
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:58,390
I think he even wrote in
something about freezing his
head.
260
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:02,970
Hello, my good man.
261
00:10:03,010 --> 00:10:04,810
I'm in the market
for some high-end gifts.
262
00:10:04,850 --> 00:10:06,810
Give me your
most expensive whiskey
263
00:10:06,850 --> 00:10:08,270
and your finest perfume.
264
00:10:08,310 --> 00:10:09,400
All rightie, comin' up.
265
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,360
"International
duty free shop."
266
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,110
So, tell me.
Are we currently
267
00:10:14,150 --> 00:10:15,400
standing
on American soil,
268
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:19,530
or are we in some sort
of borderless limbo?
269
00:10:19,570 --> 00:10:21,990
Uh, it's America.
270
00:10:22,030 --> 00:10:23,740
That'll be $423.
271
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,330
Uh-huh, okay, plan B.
272
00:10:25,370 --> 00:10:28,670
Let's go down to your fourth
best in both categories.
273
00:10:28,710 --> 00:10:30,750
Sure...
274
00:10:30,790 --> 00:10:32,920
and what flight
are you on?
275
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,210
That's none
of your affair.
276
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:36,880
But you can't
buy duty free
277
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,340
unless you're on an
international flight.
278
00:10:38,380 --> 00:10:39,840
I see. Well,
in that case,
279
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:41,850
I'm on B.O.A.C.,
flight one,
280
00:10:41,890 --> 00:10:44,310
en route
to Constantinople.
281
00:10:44,350 --> 00:10:46,060
I'll need
to see a ticket.
282
00:10:46,100 --> 00:10:48,390
I must have left it
in my attaché case.
283
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,310
I'm sorry. I can't sell this
to you without a ticket.
284
00:10:51,350 --> 00:10:54,610
Let me ask you this...
285
00:10:54,650 --> 00:10:58,490
were I traveling abroad, what
would my total have been?
286
00:10:58,530 --> 00:11:02,160
$97.50.
287
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:07,040
I have in my hand a crisp
one-hundred dollar bill.
288
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:12,790
What if I left the change on the
counter and just walked away,
huh?
289
00:11:14,460 --> 00:11:16,760
Come on, it's a $300
travel voucher,
290
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,050
and we still
get there.
291
00:11:18,090 --> 00:11:19,920
I don't want to do it.
292
00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:21,720
-What's goin' on?
-Oh, they overbooked
293
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:22,970
the flight to Montreal,
294
00:11:23,010 --> 00:11:24,100
now, they're offering
to bump people
295
00:11:24,140 --> 00:11:25,220
onto the next flight,
296
00:11:25,260 --> 00:11:26,720
and they
hand us free money.
297
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:29,230
It's ridiculous.
We're flying to a wedding.
298
00:11:29,270 --> 00:11:30,770
We're not gonna miss
the rehearsal dinner.
299
00:11:30,810 --> 00:11:33,230
I don't give a crap about
this girl's rehearsal dinner.
300
00:11:33,270 --> 00:11:35,150
I'd much rather spend
the next 4 hours
301
00:11:35,190 --> 00:11:37,360
right here
with you kids.
302
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:38,900
Cool.
303
00:11:38,940 --> 00:11:41,070
Oh, I don't know.
304
00:11:41,110 --> 00:11:42,070
What do you two think?
305
00:11:42,110 --> 00:11:44,910
Mmm, actually,
you know what?
306
00:11:44,950 --> 00:11:46,410
Rehearsal dinners
are very important.
307
00:11:46,450 --> 00:11:50,160
A friend missed ours,
and I--I really hate her now.
308
00:11:50,790 --> 00:11:52,330
Thank you.
309
00:11:52,370 --> 00:11:53,290
Fine.
310
00:11:53,330 --> 00:11:55,420
Did you sign
the papers yet, honey?
311
00:11:55,460 --> 00:11:57,550
Uh, you know what?
I'm gonna hold on to these
312
00:11:57,590 --> 00:12:00,090
and have my guy
take a look at 'em.
313
00:12:00,130 --> 00:12:02,550
You have a guy now?
314
00:12:02,590 --> 00:12:05,260
Yeah, I have a guy.
He looks over things.
315
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:07,220
-What is he, a lawyer?
-Kinda.
316
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:08,260
You always use our guy.
317
00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:09,640
When did you get a guy?
318
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:11,350
Actually, I've had one
for a while now.
319
00:12:11,390 --> 00:12:12,480
What's the matter
with Dan?
320
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,150
I've known Dan
for 27 years.
321
00:12:14,190 --> 00:12:16,270
What am I gonna
tell Dan when he asks?
322
00:12:16,310 --> 00:12:18,400
I don't care
what you tell Dan, okay?
323
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,570
You know, you fly in here
on a 45-minute layover,
324
00:12:20,610 --> 00:12:22,280
and you spring your
death warrants on me,
325
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:26,070
stapled to
a "Wizard of Id" cartoon.
326
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,120
I mean, this--this is crazy.
I'm not signing.
327
00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:29,370
Enjoy your comas.
328
00:12:29,410 --> 00:12:31,750
You're gonna be in them
for quite some time.
329
00:12:42,630 --> 00:12:45,300
Aw, why couldn't
the Knicks get Shaq?
330
00:12:45,340 --> 00:12:47,680
Boy, if they let me run
that team for one year...
331
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,760
Dad, if you ran the team,
there'd be 87 players
332
00:12:49,810 --> 00:12:52,600
and $1 billion payroll.
333
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,940
-And a championship, son.
-Right.
334
00:12:55,980 --> 00:12:57,690
Look, we don't get
to see you that much.
335
00:12:57,730 --> 00:12:59,940
I'm sorry this turned
into a whole thing.
336
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:01,690
Yeah, not our--
not our best visit.
337
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:03,570
Well, we should have known
you might feel that way.
338
00:13:03,610 --> 00:13:05,030
I remember
how upset you were
339
00:13:05,070 --> 00:13:07,070
when you had to take your pet
guinea pig to the vet
340
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,580
and put
him to sleep.
341
00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:11,540
Hey, Mork still had
some good years left.
342
00:13:11,580 --> 00:13:12,540
He was blind,
343
00:13:12,580 --> 00:13:14,210
and his kidneys
were shot.
344
00:13:14,250 --> 00:13:18,790
He had more time.
345
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,920
Look, we gotta start boarding
in, like, 20 minutes.
346
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:24,050
I don't want to leave
without getting this settled.
347
00:13:24,090 --> 00:13:28,050
All right, I'm gonna
work with you here.
348
00:13:28,090 --> 00:13:30,060
What are you most
uncomfortable with?
349
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:32,930
I mean, we're not married
to all of these.
350
00:13:32,970 --> 00:13:35,140
I don't know, how about
like, like this one here.
351
00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:37,440
"If I have no reasonable hope
for normal functioning,
352
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:38,810
withhold life-sustaining
treatment
353
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:41,480
including nutrition
and hydration."
354
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:42,940
-"X" that one out.
-We can't lose that.
355
00:13:42,980 --> 00:13:45,400
We might as well throw out
the whole thing.
356
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:46,950
What else?
357
00:13:46,990 --> 00:13:48,910
All right, then, fine.
How about this one?
358
00:13:48,950 --> 00:13:51,240
"Turning off
the respirator."
359
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:53,410
Nah, your mother's got
her heart set on that one.
360
00:13:53,450 --> 00:13:54,580
Well, you're not
workin' with me here.
361
00:13:54,620 --> 00:13:55,910
Hey, don't yell
at me, Dougie.
362
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,790
This wasn't my idea
in the first place.
363
00:13:58,830 --> 00:14:00,790
What are you--
what are you sayin'?
364
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:04,090
I'm sayin' this is really
your mother's baby.
365
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:07,300
Do you even
want to do this?
366
00:14:07,340 --> 00:14:09,970
I guess I could
go either way,
367
00:14:10,010 --> 00:14:13,770
but it'd be a whole big thing
with your mother.
368
00:14:13,810 --> 00:14:15,100
So, you'd rather die
369
00:14:15,140 --> 00:14:18,690
instead of having an awkward
conversation with mom?
370
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,110
I just don't want
any trouble.
371
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,950
I'm sorry we dragged you out
to hear a Heffernan fight.
372
00:14:28,990 --> 00:14:31,450
I'm sure you had much better
things to do with your day.
373
00:14:31,490 --> 00:14:34,740
Oh, no. It's--
it's--it's--it's--
374
00:14:34,790 --> 00:14:37,500
it's, uh, it's...
375
00:14:37,540 --> 00:14:38,870
no, no, no, no.
376
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,580
Mom, dad has something
to say to you.
377
00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:41,710
I do not.
378
00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:43,500
Tell her what
you said back there.
379
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,170
I told him
you grow more beautiful
380
00:14:45,210 --> 00:14:46,670
with each passing year.
381
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:47,920
DOUG: No, no.
382
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:49,300
He said he doesn't
want a living will.
383
00:14:49,340 --> 00:14:50,640
He doesn't
want to do this.
384
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,300
-You said that?
-I said nothing of the kind.
385
00:14:53,350 --> 00:14:54,970
I very much wanna die.
386
00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:57,640
No, he doesn't.
Look, I'm not signin' it,
387
00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:58,770
and you can't make me.
388
00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:00,190
Oh, hey, guys, I made it.
389
00:15:00,230 --> 00:15:01,730
Hey, kiddo.
390
00:15:03,190 --> 00:15:04,150
What's goin' on?
391
00:15:04,190 --> 00:15:05,730
Mom and dad
want me to kill 'em.
392
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,190
What?
393
00:15:08,110 --> 00:15:09,490
We simply
want your brother
394
00:15:09,530 --> 00:15:10,990
to sign a little
piece of paper
395
00:15:11,030 --> 00:15:13,910
in case we ever get
very sick. Hello.
396
00:15:13,950 --> 00:15:15,660
Am I supposed
to sign it, too?
397
00:15:15,700 --> 00:15:18,370
Actually, no, honey.
Just Doug.
398
00:15:18,410 --> 00:15:19,910
Well, why just Doug?
399
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:22,880
We only needed
one of you to sign it.
400
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:24,290
Then, why don't
I just sign it?
401
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:28,590
Well, because we just
wanted Doug to sign it.
402
00:15:28,630 --> 00:15:30,930
Honey, you know,
he's married.
403
00:15:30,970 --> 00:15:32,840
He's settled.
We know where he is.
404
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:34,430
And you don't know
where I am?
405
00:15:34,470 --> 00:15:36,350
[LAUGHS] Oh, it's just that
first you're in Buffalo,
406
00:15:36,390 --> 00:15:37,680
and--and--and--
and then,
407
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,930
you're back here
in Queens, and, uh...
408
00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:42,940
It's called moving.
I did it once.
409
00:15:42,980 --> 00:15:45,690
Honey, it's just if you were
married and settled down
410
00:15:45,730 --> 00:15:46,940
or even
had a boyfriend
411
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:50,030
or a partner
of some sort.
412
00:15:50,070 --> 00:15:51,950
What is that
supposed to mean?
413
00:15:51,990 --> 00:15:53,660
Darling,
you're a single girl
414
00:15:53,700 --> 00:15:54,870
wearing a referee's
costume.
415
00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:57,080
What are we
supposed to think?
416
00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:00,750
JOE: Look, it's her life.
Let her do what she wants.
417
00:16:00,790 --> 00:16:03,380
Please let me sign this.
418
00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:04,630
You're not signin' it.
419
00:16:04,670 --> 00:16:05,880
This is so typical.
420
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:07,550
Doug got the bedroom
in the attic.
421
00:16:07,590 --> 00:16:08,670
Doug got the car.
422
00:16:08,710 --> 00:16:09,920
Doug gets
to pull the plug.
423
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:13,180
He gets to do everything.
424
00:16:13,220 --> 00:16:15,300
Joe, it's obvious we're
not gonna settle this
425
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:16,390
in the next 10 minutes.
426
00:16:16,430 --> 00:16:18,180
Let's take
that later flight.
427
00:16:18,220 --> 00:16:23,350
Doug, I have a 6:00
manicure with Denise.
428
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,610
She's very hard to get.
429
00:16:25,650 --> 00:16:27,070
Let Steph sign it.
430
00:16:27,110 --> 00:16:28,570
-No.
-Come on, Doug.
431
00:16:28,610 --> 00:16:29,730
This could be
good for her.
432
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:30,740
Throw her a bone.
433
00:16:30,780 --> 00:16:32,200
No.
434
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:33,700
Joe, see if you can
change our flight, would you?
435
00:16:33,740 --> 00:16:35,200
You know what?
You know, let me--
436
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:36,530
let me--let me--let me--
yeah, let me do this.
437
00:16:36,570 --> 00:16:37,660
You guys,
you keep talkin'.
438
00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:38,830
You're makin'
progress here.
439
00:16:38,870 --> 00:16:40,080
Oh, okay.
Thank you, honey.
440
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,410
No problem.
Later flight comin' up.
441
00:16:47,670 --> 00:16:51,880
You're goin'.
Oh, you're goin' now.
442
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,680
How about this? How about
we put these papers away
443
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:54,880
for 10, 15 years,
444
00:16:54,930 --> 00:16:56,010
and then I'll be
happy to sign 'em.
445
00:16:56,050 --> 00:16:57,850
I'm ready to sign them
anytime.
446
00:16:57,890 --> 00:16:59,470
Just back off, Steph.
447
00:16:59,510 --> 00:17:00,930
Well, we're not
goin' anywhere
448
00:17:00,970 --> 00:17:03,180
until this
is settled.
449
00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:06,440
I hope Carrie's
gettin' somewhere
450
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,440
with the other
flight.
451
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,000
Come on, Doug.
We love you.
452
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,170
We ask so little of you.
It's just a piece of paper.
453
00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,540
-Do us a favor.
-No. I'm not signin' it.
454
00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:29,290
-Just sign it!
-Nuh-uh.
455
00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:32,760
Why are you making this
such a big, giant thing?
456
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,380
Because--I don't know.
457
00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:39,350
I mean, all of a sudden,
everything's different.
458
00:17:39,390 --> 00:17:40,470
What do you mean?
459
00:17:40,510 --> 00:17:41,510
Look at you, Dad.
460
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,060
I mean, your hair's
totally gray.
461
00:17:43,100 --> 00:17:44,890
You're not even using
Just For Men anymore.
462
00:17:44,930 --> 00:17:47,100
It's like you don't care.
463
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:50,980
And mom, real lemons
in the lemon squares?
464
00:17:51,020 --> 00:17:53,690
Why would you
ever mess with that?
465
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:54,940
Well, Doug,
466
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:58,280
things can't stay
the same forever.
467
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:01,200
I know. I...
468
00:18:03,370 --> 00:18:04,370
Look at that.
469
00:18:04,410 --> 00:18:07,330
Just a second ago
that was me, huh?
470
00:18:07,370 --> 00:18:08,290
Remember that?
471
00:18:08,330 --> 00:18:10,840
This guy right here
was
me.
472
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,170
Remember my face,
my pudgy, little
473
00:18:12,210 --> 00:18:14,050
pie-stained-from-
McDonald's face.
474
00:18:14,090 --> 00:18:16,220
Remember
the chunkiness?
475
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,430
Where did it go?
476
00:18:18,470 --> 00:18:20,510
Look, we're just trying
to go to Disney World.
477
00:18:20,550 --> 00:18:23,350
That's so great.
See?
478
00:18:23,390 --> 00:18:25,560
Get him a hat.
479
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,730
[SIGHS]
you really--
480
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:36,990
you really
want me to sign it?
481
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:41,160
Yes, we do.
482
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:42,490
All right.
Give me the papers.
483
00:18:42,530 --> 00:18:44,290
I'll sign it.
484
00:18:44,950 --> 00:18:46,200
Thank you, dear.
485
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,750
Yeah, but you're gonna
go back to using
486
00:18:47,790 --> 00:18:48,870
fake juice in the lemon
squares, right?
487
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,130
-You got it.
-All right,
488
00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:52,040
'cause that's
a deal breaker.
489
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:55,300
I come bearing gifts!
490
00:18:55,340 --> 00:18:56,460
DOUG: What?
491
00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:59,430
As patriarch of the
Spooner-Heffernan clan,
492
00:18:59,470 --> 00:19:02,470
I thought I'd commemorate
the time we spent together,
493
00:19:02,510 --> 00:19:04,180
no strings attached.
494
00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:05,930
Arthur, you
didn't have to.
495
00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:07,730
It was totally
unnecessary.
496
00:19:07,770 --> 00:19:09,140
For Janet,
497
00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:13,520
the largest big apple
snow globe on the market.
498
00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:16,110
Well, thank you.
499
00:19:16,150 --> 00:19:17,860
-And for Joe...
-Yeah.
500
00:19:17,900 --> 00:19:19,070
Lady liberty in 2 sizes.
501
00:19:19,110 --> 00:19:22,120
Whatever works
for your decor.
502
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:24,160
And you can duke it out
over an assortment
503
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,330
of refreshing velamints,
a sparkle pen,
504
00:19:26,370 --> 00:19:30,000
and the latest page-turner
from Mr. Ken Follett.
505
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:32,330
Well, thank you,
Arthur.
506
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:34,090
That's what you spent
the 100 bucks on?
507
00:19:34,130 --> 00:19:35,210
That was my birthday gift.
508
00:19:35,250 --> 00:19:36,630
Wait.
You bought all these
509
00:19:36,670 --> 00:19:38,300
with the money
we gave to Doug?
510
00:19:38,340 --> 00:19:40,760
So it's like
we bought our own gifts?
511
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:41,970
Oh,
that's funny!
512
00:19:42,010 --> 00:19:44,430
-Ha ha ha!
-Well, thank you, Joe.
513
00:19:44,470 --> 00:19:46,060
Thank you, Janet.
514
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:48,390
Son of a bitch!
515
00:19:49,350 --> 00:19:50,520
Bad news.
516
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:52,850
I cannot get you guys
on the later flight,
517
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:55,070
and I fought
with the man.
518
00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:56,780
He was very rude.
519
00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:58,110
Everything is fine.
520
00:19:58,150 --> 00:19:59,990
Doug signed the papers.
We're good to go.
521
00:20:00,030 --> 00:20:01,490
Oh, well, good.
Then it all worked out.
522
00:20:01,530 --> 00:20:04,030
Okay. We should board
if we want an overhead bin.
523
00:20:04,070 --> 00:20:05,830
We're already
on the bubble.
524
00:20:05,870 --> 00:20:07,330
Sorry about all this,
kitten.
525
00:20:07,370 --> 00:20:10,620
-Oh. Good-bye, Dad.
-It was great to see you.
526
00:20:10,660 --> 00:20:12,670
Well.
527
00:20:12,710 --> 00:20:14,540
Yep.
528
00:20:14,580 --> 00:20:16,130
I love you, baby.
529
00:20:16,170 --> 00:20:18,510
Sorry I got upset.
I just love you both so much.
530
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:21,840
Okay, people. Let's put wings
on this crate of crap.
531
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,800
Bye-bye, darling.
532
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,260
Bye, baby.
533
00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:28,010
Flight 714
has been delayed
534
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,640
due to congestion
in Montreal.
535
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:31,940
We'll keep you updated
as we get more information.
536
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:33,980
-Thank you.
-Huh!
537
00:20:34,020 --> 00:20:35,860
[CLEARS THROAT]
538
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:38,360
[JOE SIGHS]
539
00:20:56,750 --> 00:20:58,750
So, what else?
540
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:18,230
JOE:
Hold the guinea pig
higher, Doug.
541
00:21:18,270 --> 00:21:21,570
Okay. It's October 3rd, 1978,
542
00:21:21,610 --> 00:21:25,410
and we're presenting Doug
and his sidekick Mork.
543
00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:29,780
I love you, Mork.
I love you.
544
00:21:31,620 --> 00:21:33,830
[CHANTING]
Eat a pellet, make a pellet.
545
00:21:33,870 --> 00:21:35,710
Eat a pellet, make a pellet.
546
00:21:35,750 --> 00:21:37,580
Eat a pellet, make a pellet.
547
00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:39,130
Eat a pellet, make a pellet.
548
00:21:39,170 --> 00:21:41,000
-JOE:
Okay, Dougie.
-Eat a pellet, make a pellet.
549
00:21:41,050 --> 00:21:43,380
-JOE:
Calm down, Dougie.
-Eat a pellet, make a pellet.
550
00:21:43,420 --> 00:21:44,670
Eat a pellet, make a pellet.
551
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,050
-JOE:
Dougie.
-Eat a pellet, make--
552
00:21:48,180 --> 00:21:51,100
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
39368