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When your Uncle Marshall
was 10 years old,
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00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:19,316
he read a book called
Life Among The Gorillas.
3
00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:24,483
It was written by an anthropologist
named Dr., Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez,
4
00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:26,286
and it told the story of the year she spent
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00:00:26,393 --> 00:00:29,829
living among the western lowland gorillas
of Cameroon,
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00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:31,861
When Dr., Birnholz-Vazquez
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00:00:31,966 --> 00:00:34,526
came to the local community college
to give a lecture,
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00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:36,728
Marshall, the youngest member
of the audience,
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00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:38,828
raised his hand with a question,
10
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:42,466
What advice do you have
for a budding anthropologist?
11
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:44,373
So, you want to be an anthropologist?
12
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:47,970
Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live
with the gorillas just like you did.
13
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:50,676
What she said next
changed his life,
14
00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:53,844
Oh, that's wonderful,
but I'm afraid you can't.
15
00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:56,181
They'll all be dead by then.
16
00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:01,886
And if economic sanctions
and trade restrictions aren't enforced,
17
00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:03,861
the destruction of the rainforests
will continue,
18
00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:06,899
and over a million species
will be wiped out.
19
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:08,659
So you don't want coffee?
20
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:11,294
I'm saying that the coffee industry
is causing irreversible...
21
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,965
- All right, I'm pouring it out.
- Okay, one cup.
22
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:17,066
Kid needs to be alert.
First day on the job and everything.
23
00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:19,407
Still can't believe you're going
all corporate on us.
24
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,572
The Kid has become the man.
25
00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:24,347
Okay, it's just an internship
to make a little money.
26
00:01:24,451 --> 00:01:26,976
After law school,
I'm still gonna work for the NRDC.
27
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,782
They're gonna stop global warming.
28
00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:31,289
Well, I mean,
they did their best,
29
00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:33,756
Here's your sack lunch.
30
00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:37,993
Okay. I love you because, one,
you made me a sack lunch,
31
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,089
and, two, you laugh
every time you say the word "sack."
32
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:43,997
- I love you, Marshmallow.
- I love you.
33
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,265
I love you, too, Marshmallow.
34
00:01:48,142 --> 00:01:49,302
Uh-oh.
35
00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:52,144
- Ted?
- Oh, no!
36
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:55,110
- No, she didn't.
- Yeah. Yeah, she did.
37
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:57,412
Another care package?
38
00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,176
Another care package,
39
00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:03,154
I'd been in a long-distance relationship
with Victoria for nearly a month,
40
00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:06,385
Long-distance relationships are a bad idea,
41
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,752
- How many is that so far?
- Three.
42
00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:12,297
And how many have you sent her?
43
00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:15,059
In the mail or in my mind? Zero.
44
00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:16,768
She's up three-zip.
45
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:19,304
Oh! Cupcakes. Great.
46
00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:21,935
I bet they're delicious, too.
47
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:24,677
Yeah. They're delicious.
48
00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:26,407
Damn it!
49
00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:31,046
I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes.
50
00:02:32,419 --> 00:02:34,580
God, I hate myself right now.
51
00:02:35,355 --> 00:02:37,323
God, that is so me at 15.
52
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:43,587
Marshall was going to work
for a big corporation called Altrucel,
53
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:46,495
Altrucel was most well-known
for making the yellow fuzzy stuff
54
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,090
on the surface of tennis balls,
55
00:02:48,202 --> 00:02:51,399
I mean, this was a huge company,
so they did other things,
56
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:57,207
But mostly, they wanted the public
to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff,
57
00:02:57,311 --> 00:03:00,508
Anyway, Marshall managed to score
an internship in their legal department
58
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,241
because he knew someone
who worked there,
59
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,251
Go for Barney.
60
00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:07,886
Mr., Stinson,
this is Willis from lobby security,
61
00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:12,118
Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports
of a Sasquatch loose in the building,
62
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:15,423
- A Sasquatch?
- That's right, sir, A Bigfoot,
63
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:19,632
We don't want to alarm you,
but he's been spotted on your floor,
64
00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:27,534
Yes! Look at you.
65
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:30,405
You're suited in an unmistakably
upward direction.
66
00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:34,038
Whoa! That is a butt-load
of motivational posters.
67
00:03:34,148 --> 00:03:38,141
Yeah. Hell, yeah. I got them all.
"Teamwork, courage, awesomeness."
68
00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:41,613
- There's one for awesomeness?
- Yeah. I had it made.
69
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,917
- Sit.
- Hey, so, now that I'm working here,
70
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,889
are you finally gonna tell me
exactly what your job is?
71
00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,654
Please.
72
00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:49,558
- My dawg!
- My dawg!
73
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:52,188
Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall.
These guys are in legal.
74
00:03:52,299 --> 00:03:53,459
You're gonna be working with them.
75
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:54,795
Marshall Eriksen. Nice to meet you.
76
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:58,998
- Nice tie. Steak sauce.
- Oh, steak sauce. For true, though.
77
00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:02,075
- Where? I don't see any...
- Marshall, sidebar.
78
00:04:04,711 --> 00:04:09,205
Your tie is steak sauce. It means A-1.
A-1? Get it? Try to keep up.
79
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:13,647
Okay, Eriksen. Let's get to work.
It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside.
80
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,449
Ding-dong. What? The doorbell?
81
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:18,992
Oh, hello, Jessica Alba,
in a trench coat and nothing else.
82
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:21,788
But wait. Knock, knock.
Somebody's at the back door?
83
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:23,795
- I don't have a back door, so...
- Oh, my gosh.
84
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:26,297
Jessica Simpson? What a surprise.
85
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:30,166
Two Jessicas. You gotta pick one.
What do you do? Go.
86
00:04:31,205 --> 00:04:33,036
Right, well, I'm engaged, so...
87
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:35,938
Fiancée's out of town.
What do you do? Go!
88
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,200
We're still engaged, even if she's out...
89
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:41,770
Okay, fiancée's dead. Hit by a bus.
What do you do? Go.
90
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,482
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
91
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,650
- Sure you don't want one?
- How many of those have you eaten?
92
00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:51,485
Fourteen.
93
00:04:51,592 --> 00:04:52,923
No. Just four.
94
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:55,153
- And the icing from two more.
- Mmm.
95
00:04:55,596 --> 00:04:57,894
So, anyway. Here's the problem.
96
00:04:58,398 --> 00:05:00,161
Hey, it's Ted. I guess you're asleep.
97
00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:04,226
Anyway, I got the care package
and it's just great.
98
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,472
Here, listen.
99
00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:10,740
So, I'm standing there,
100
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:14,507
my mouth full of this delicious,
relationship-winning cupcake,
101
00:05:15,682 --> 00:05:17,673
and I said something dumb.
102
00:05:18,252 --> 00:05:22,552
Oh, and don't worry. Yours is in the mail.
I sent it a couple days ago.
103
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:25,915
And it's awesome. Really, really awesome.
104
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:30,362
Why did I say that?
I think frosting makes me lie.
105
00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:33,029
Oh, Teddy boy.
106
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:37,467
Yeah. So now, whatever I send her, she'll
know I sent it after I talked to her.
107
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:41,769
So, that's the problem. You work on that.
I'm gonna eat this cupcake.
108
00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:44,068
All right, here's what you do.
109
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,839
Put together a care package of stuff
from New York.
110
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:50,007
Some H&H Bagels,
an Empire State Building key chain,
111
00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:53,416
and then, top off the package
with a New York Times, ready?
112
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,249
From three days ago.
113
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,456
- That's brilliant.
- Mmm.
114
00:05:57,557 --> 00:05:58,649
You're brilliant.
115
00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:01,218
You know, it's funny, not so long ago,
116
00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:04,627
I was coming to Marshall and Lily
for advice on how to impress you.
117
00:06:04,731 --> 00:06:06,255
That is funny.
118
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:07,799
And here's why it was funny,
119
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:10,301
Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier,
120
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:13,066
here's what Robin was saying to Lily
about me,
121
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,299
Okay, fine! I have feelings for him.
122
00:06:16,276 --> 00:06:19,712
Now, it's ironic the girl I used to like
is helping me impress the girl I now like.
123
00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:21,747
The irony is clear, Ted.
124
00:06:24,651 --> 00:06:29,179
- Hey! How was your first day?
- I don't want to talk about it.
125
00:06:31,858 --> 00:06:34,349
The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks.
126
00:06:34,461 --> 00:06:36,019
- What?
- They're jerks.
127
00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:40,361
- Well, what makes them jerks?
- Forget it. I don't want to talk about it.
128
00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:42,128
Well, like today at lunch.
129
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,262
What you got there, Eriksen?
Mommy pack your lunch?
130
00:06:47,507 --> 00:06:49,372
For your information, my fiancée did.
131
00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:52,879
Oh! Does she cut the crusts
off your sandwich, too?
132
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:54,707
No.
133
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:04,785
- What's that?
- Nothing. Give it!
134
00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:08,554
"Dear Marshmallow, good luck today.
I love you! Lilypad."
135
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:09,822
Give it!
136
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:14,594
"P.S. If you've unfolded this note, your
kiss already got out. Quick, catch it!"
137
00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:17,693
Give it back! Hey, give it! Give me!
Give it!
138
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:21,641
- Oh, screw those guys. We're adorable.
- I know.
139
00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:24,609
God! It's like freshman
year, all over again.
140
00:07:24,711 --> 00:07:28,340
Only, this time, my sweet dance moves
aren't gonna be enough to win them over.
141
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,279
Not even Old Reliable.
142
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:38,817
Sweetie, it would be cool
to have some extra money,
143
00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:41,621
but if you're unhappy, it's not worth it.
144
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,890
- I quit.
- What? No. You...
145
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:48,365
We're having so much fun.
You, me, working together. It's great.
146
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,904
We're not even working together, Barney.
I'm in the legal department and you're...
147
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:54,940
- Seriously, what is it that you do?
- Please.
148
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:59,772
I'm sorry. Dude, this corporate thing,
it's just... It's not for me.
149
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,007
No, of course it's not for you.
150
00:08:02,849 --> 00:08:04,316
It's for Lily.
151
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:08,218
- What?
- Marshall, Lily's a catch.
152
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,949
But do you really think you're gonna
hang on to a girl that great
153
00:08:11,057 --> 00:08:13,048
- without the package?
- The package?
154
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,527
The package. The house, the car,
sending your kids to a great school.
155
00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:20,088
- A vacation once in a while.
- Lily doesn't care about that stuff.
156
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,259
Well, no. Now she doesn't.
157
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,030
But how's she gonna feel
in a couple of years
158
00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:26,901
when she's supporting you
on a kindergarten-teacher's salary,
159
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,531
while you're off in court,
160
00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:33,375
defending some endangered
South American flying beaver.
161
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:36,075
I know.
162
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,576
- She'll be happy.
- Okay.
163
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:42,349
But will you be happy,
164
00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:45,448
knowing you could have
made her a lot happier?
165
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:51,028
And all four are totally naked.
You gotta choose one.
166
00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:52,860
What do you do? Go.
167
00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:57,837
I guess, uh, Bea Arthur.
168
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:00,800
Wrong. Betty White.
169
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:04,537
Clean this stuff up, Eriksen.
170
00:09:06,661 --> 00:09:08,993
So, did she get
the awesome care package, yet?
171
00:09:09,097 --> 00:09:10,394
Yep. Yesterday.
172
00:09:10,498 --> 00:09:13,433
- Did she love it?
- Oh, she loved it.
173
00:09:13,535 --> 00:09:15,435
So, what's the problem?
174
00:09:15,537 --> 00:09:18,097
So, I was talking to her last night,
and I should tell you,
175
00:09:18,206 --> 00:09:19,798
we've been talking on the phone
every other night,
176
00:09:19,908 --> 00:09:23,309
for, like, an hour and a half. Eventually,
you just run out of stuff to say.
177
00:09:25,513 --> 00:09:27,947
What did you have for lunch today?
178
00:09:28,216 --> 00:09:29,240
Mmm-hmm.
179
00:09:29,351 --> 00:09:30,841
Oh, rye bread.
180
00:09:31,519 --> 00:09:32,781
Oh.
181
00:09:35,824 --> 00:09:36,984
Mmm-hmm.
182
00:09:38,460 --> 00:09:39,518
Yeah.
183
00:09:40,228 --> 00:09:41,388
Mmm.
184
00:09:46,401 --> 00:09:47,959
Oh, Teddy boy.
185
00:09:48,169 --> 00:09:50,000
I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend,
186
00:09:50,105 --> 00:09:52,403
but this never-seeing-each-other thing,
it's a bitch.
187
00:09:52,507 --> 00:09:54,668
Maybe it just can't be done.
188
00:09:54,776 --> 00:09:57,301
I think it's clear what I have to do.
189
00:09:57,412 --> 00:09:59,039
It's pretty clear.
190
00:09:59,814 --> 00:10:02,578
I have to go to Germany and surprise her.
191
00:10:02,684 --> 00:10:06,780
Totally what I was thinking.
Get out of my head, man.
192
00:10:11,192 --> 00:10:13,660
Barney, how do I get these idiots
to leave me alone?
193
00:10:15,130 --> 00:10:17,462
Marshall, consider the penguins.
194
00:10:18,366 --> 00:10:20,493
- The penguins?
- On the wall.
195
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:29,867
"Conformity. It's the one who's different
that gets left out in the cold."
196
00:10:29,978 --> 00:10:31,775
This is a motivational poster?
197
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,871
Look at yourself, Marshall.
You're not happy.
198
00:10:33,982 --> 00:10:36,951
And you know why?
Because you're different.
199
00:10:37,052 --> 00:10:39,384
Now, I suppose you could learn
to love yourself
200
00:10:39,487 --> 00:10:42,081
for the unique little snowflake
that you are.
201
00:10:42,190 --> 00:10:44,681
Or you could change
your entire personality,
202
00:10:44,793 --> 00:10:47,193
which is just so much easier.
203
00:10:47,896 --> 00:10:52,629
Change your personality? That is so awful.
And not at all motivational.
204
00:10:52,734 --> 00:10:55,532
Not necessarily.
Okay, at first, I was appalled.
205
00:10:55,637 --> 00:10:56,865
But then I realized
206
00:10:56,971 --> 00:11:00,771
it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez
in Life Among The Gorillas,
207
00:11:00,875 --> 00:11:03,105
No, I have to gain the acceptance
of the herd
208
00:11:03,211 --> 00:11:05,406
by behaving exactly like one of them.
209
00:11:05,513 --> 00:11:08,346
It's an anthropological study.
Isn't that cool?
210
00:11:08,450 --> 00:11:10,543
Well, it sounds kind of like peer pressure.
211
00:11:10,652 --> 00:11:13,678
No, no, no. It's totally anthropological.
212
00:11:13,788 --> 00:11:16,018
And it's cool. And I'm doing it.
213
00:11:16,124 --> 00:11:20,561
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure.
We have an assembly every year.
214
00:11:20,662 --> 00:11:24,257
I'm portraying someone
who succumbs to peer pressure.
215
00:11:24,499 --> 00:11:25,693
All right.
216
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:29,736
But if those guys try to pressure you
to smoke, what do you say?
217
00:11:30,071 --> 00:11:32,369
- Only when I'm drunk.
- Good boy.
218
00:11:33,208 --> 00:11:34,869
And so,
to fit in with the gorillas,
219
00:11:34,976 --> 00:11:37,376
Marshall had to learn
to act like a gorilla,
220
00:11:37,479 --> 00:11:39,640
And that meant gorilla lessons,
221
00:11:39,748 --> 00:11:43,684
Okay. I'm psyched about this.
But if I'm gonna mentor you,
222
00:11:43,785 --> 00:11:45,514
I need to know
you're psyched about this, too.
223
00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:47,645
Oh, I am. I'm psyched.
224
00:11:48,256 --> 00:11:52,283
Yeah, but it's one thing to say it.
It's another thing to show it.
225
00:11:53,561 --> 00:11:54,789
Show it.
226
00:11:58,366 --> 00:11:59,765
I'm psyched.
227
00:12:00,902 --> 00:12:02,369
What was that?
228
00:12:05,306 --> 00:12:08,434
Marshall, I should feel
tremors of psychetude
229
00:12:08,543 --> 00:12:10,977
rock my body like a seizure.
230
00:12:11,079 --> 00:12:16,278
That was like a declawed, pregnant cat
on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly
231
00:12:16,384 --> 00:12:18,443
on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
232
00:12:19,387 --> 00:12:23,289
- Wow, that was really specific.
- Show me you're psyched!
233
00:12:26,261 --> 00:12:27,751
Let's do this!
234
00:12:28,463 --> 00:12:30,863
- That hurt!
- So badly!
235
00:12:31,666 --> 00:12:35,102
And then you slip it to the guy
with a discreet handshake,
236
00:12:35,203 --> 00:12:36,966
- and he'll get it done.
- Right.
237
00:12:37,372 --> 00:12:38,498
Get what done?
238
00:12:38,606 --> 00:12:41,404
- Whatever.
- Cool. And what guy is this?
239
00:12:42,177 --> 00:12:45,476
- There's always a guy.
- Okay. All right. I, uh...
240
00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:47,877
- I think I'm ready.
- You sure?
241
00:12:47,982 --> 00:12:50,974
You want to practice your story
one more time?
242
00:12:51,252 --> 00:12:52,617
All right.
243
00:12:55,356 --> 00:12:59,588
So, dude, check it. I'm in San Diego
with two of my brosephs from Kappa,
244
00:12:59,694 --> 00:13:03,562
and they're all, "Yo, Eriksen,
let's roll to the strip clubs!"
245
00:13:03,665 --> 00:13:05,929
So, I'm like, "A-snappa-doo!"
246
00:13:06,034 --> 00:13:08,502
So we find this choice nudie nest
near the airport.
247
00:13:08,603 --> 00:13:11,595
And that is when the bouncer
kicked us out.
248
00:13:11,706 --> 00:13:15,005
Now, I have no idea
if Svetlana ever got her green card,
249
00:13:15,109 --> 00:13:17,634
but, dudes, fake diamond ring?
250
00:13:18,012 --> 00:13:19,946
Worth every penny, bro.
251
00:13:21,382 --> 00:13:26,251
Eriksen, that was steak sauce!
252
00:13:27,622 --> 00:13:29,590
- Awesome, bro.
- Yeah. Yeah.
253
00:13:29,691 --> 00:13:31,818
- Get out!
- Great story.
254
00:13:44,443 --> 00:13:47,674
The next morning,
I was about to buy my ticket to Germany,
255
00:13:47,779 --> 00:13:49,542
when I got an e-mail,
256
00:13:49,748 --> 00:13:50,806
Uh-oh.
257
00:13:50,916 --> 00:13:53,248
"Hey, Ted.
Sorry I missed your call last night.
258
00:13:53,352 --> 00:13:55,513
"This long-distance thing sucks, huh?
259
00:13:55,621 --> 00:13:58,715
"Listen, I've been thinking
and I really need to talk to you tonight.
260
00:13:58,824 --> 00:14:01,292
"I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria."
261
00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:04,452
- So?
- So, she's gonna dump me.
262
00:14:04,563 --> 00:14:06,292
Has anyone ever said,
"Listen, I've been thinking,"
263
00:14:06,398 --> 00:14:07,865
and then followed it up
with something good?
264
00:14:07,966 --> 00:14:12,494
It's not like, "Listen, I've been thinking,
Nutter Butters are an underrated cookie."
265
00:14:13,171 --> 00:14:14,331
What else could it be?
266
00:14:14,439 --> 00:14:17,567
What could she possibly have to say to me
that she couldn't write in an e-mail?
267
00:14:17,676 --> 00:14:19,644
I cut off all my fingers.
268
00:14:21,246 --> 00:14:25,148
Ted, you're a great guy. I know it.
You know it. She knows it.
269
00:14:25,317 --> 00:14:28,878
I would bet you a gazillion dollars.
No, I'm even more confident.
270
00:14:28,987 --> 00:14:33,117
I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars
that she's not calling to break up with you.
271
00:14:33,225 --> 00:14:35,921
Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy.
272
00:14:36,028 --> 00:14:37,655
So I should still buy
that plane ticket, right?
273
00:14:37,763 --> 00:14:39,025
I'd wait.
274
00:14:41,633 --> 00:14:43,999
'Sup, Blauman. E-Bomb here.
275
00:14:44,436 --> 00:14:46,301
We still on for karaoke?
276
00:14:46,638 --> 00:14:47,696
Dope!
277
00:14:48,006 --> 00:14:51,874
I'm gonna rock you on the mike so hard
your ears are gonna bleed gravy.
278
00:14:51,977 --> 00:14:54,468
Catch you on the flip, butt puppet.
279
00:14:55,314 --> 00:14:56,406
Okay.
280
00:14:58,684 --> 00:15:01,915
- What do you think?
- Steak sauce.
281
00:15:02,788 --> 00:15:05,188
- Steak sauce?
- Yeah.
282
00:15:05,958 --> 00:15:07,425
Yeah, look, you know,
283
00:15:07,526 --> 00:15:10,620
whatever anthropology you do at work
is your business.
284
00:15:10,729 --> 00:15:13,630
But, please,
don't act like that around here.
285
00:15:13,999 --> 00:15:16,365
Lily, when Doctor Aurelia Birnholz...
286
00:15:16,468 --> 00:15:21,269
No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline
came home from the gorillas,
287
00:15:21,373 --> 00:15:24,137
she didn't run around
picking nits out of people's hair
288
00:15:24,242 --> 00:15:26,107
and throwing feces.
289
00:15:27,112 --> 00:15:30,343
I'm begging you. Just
leave it at the office.
290
00:15:30,449 --> 00:15:31,438
Why?
291
00:15:31,550 --> 00:15:33,381
Because you're acting
like one of those guys,
292
00:15:33,485 --> 00:15:35,453
and those guys are lame.
293
00:15:35,687 --> 00:15:40,056
Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes.
But they're actually good guys,
294
00:15:40,158 --> 00:15:43,025
and if you got to know them,
then you would see that.
295
00:15:43,128 --> 00:15:45,062
Look, come karaoke with us tonight,
296
00:15:45,163 --> 00:15:48,132
and you'll see how totally
not that lame they are.
297
00:15:48,233 --> 00:15:50,394
- Okay?
- Okay.
298
00:15:51,303 --> 00:15:53,669
But, wait. Knock, knock, back door.
299
00:15:53,772 --> 00:15:59,210
Who's there?
Angelina Jolie, wait, in a wheelchair.
300
00:15:59,311 --> 00:16:01,006
What do you do? Go.
301
00:16:01,413 --> 00:16:05,110
Dude, Scarlett Johansson with no arms
any day of the week!
302
00:16:06,718 --> 00:16:09,152
You're right. They're delightful.
303
00:16:10,555 --> 00:16:11,613
So, Barney, you gonna sing anything?
304
00:16:12,858 --> 00:16:14,325
I'm so over karaoke.
305
00:16:14,426 --> 00:16:16,690
Really? I thought you'd be totally into it.
306
00:16:16,795 --> 00:16:20,128
Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good.
The best, really.
307
00:16:20,732 --> 00:16:25,135
But it's the greatest samurai
who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.
308
00:16:25,470 --> 00:16:29,497
Oh, baby, they have our song.
Let's do Don't Go Breaking My Heart,
309
00:16:29,875 --> 00:16:30,899
What?
310
00:16:31,009 --> 00:16:33,637
Don't Go Breaking My Heart,
Elton John. Kiki Dee.
311
00:16:33,745 --> 00:16:34,734
No way.
312
00:16:34,846 --> 00:16:36,677
- You gotta go with some Black Sabbath.
- Oh.
313
00:16:36,782 --> 00:16:39,307
Well, actually, Marshall and I have
this little dance routine we do...
314
00:16:39,418 --> 00:16:41,978
Iron Man, I could do Iron Man,
315
00:16:42,087 --> 00:16:44,419
- Steak sauce.
- Steak sauce, dude.
316
00:16:46,024 --> 00:16:47,582
Should we tell him?
317
00:16:47,693 --> 00:16:49,991
All right, Eriksen,
I've got some good news.
318
00:16:50,095 --> 00:16:53,929
On Monday, Bilson and I
are gonna talk to Montague in HR.
319
00:16:54,032 --> 00:16:57,729
When you graduate,
we want you working with us.
320
00:16:58,136 --> 00:16:59,728
What do you say?
321
00:17:05,043 --> 00:17:06,340
- Yes!
- My man!
322
00:17:06,445 --> 00:17:09,278
We are gonna have a hoot.
323
00:17:09,381 --> 00:17:12,145
- We're gonna own the office.
- Steak sauce.
324
00:17:15,114 --> 00:17:16,911
Okay, that was gross.
325
00:17:17,016 --> 00:17:20,315
When were you gonna tell me
you changed your entire career path?
326
00:17:20,419 --> 00:17:24,150
Nothing has changed, okay?
I still want to help the environment.
327
00:17:24,256 --> 00:17:27,589
I just thought that maybe
I can make some money for a few years.
328
00:17:27,693 --> 00:17:31,390
We could buy an apartment,
send our kids to good schools.
329
00:17:31,497 --> 00:17:33,727
You could quit your job
and focus on your painting,
330
00:17:33,832 --> 00:17:35,857
I know that you say you don't need it,
331
00:17:35,968 --> 00:17:39,199
but I love you
and I want to give it to you anyway.
332
00:17:39,571 --> 00:17:41,766
I want to give you the package.
333
00:17:41,874 --> 00:17:43,341
The package?
334
00:17:43,442 --> 00:17:47,845
You've already given me the package.
You've got a great package, Marshall.
335
00:17:47,946 --> 00:17:49,573
I love your package.
336
00:17:49,682 --> 00:17:52,810
Lily, you're the most
incredible woman I know
337
00:17:52,918 --> 00:17:55,148
and you deserve a big package.
338
00:17:55,754 --> 00:17:58,484
Your package has always been big enough.
339
00:17:59,825 --> 00:18:02,487
You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen,
340
00:18:02,594 --> 00:18:04,789
but you've got a huge package.
341
00:18:11,804 --> 00:18:13,032
Yeah.
342
00:18:17,443 --> 00:18:19,308
- Hello?
- Why hasn't she called yet?
343
00:18:19,411 --> 00:18:20,935
Okay, you're making yourself crazy.
344
00:18:21,046 --> 00:18:23,105
It's Saturday night.
Go out and do something.
345
00:18:23,215 --> 00:18:26,514
No, what's the point of going out?
I got a girlfriend. For now.
346
00:18:27,319 --> 00:18:28,786
Besides, if I go out,
who's gonna watch the news?
347
00:18:28,887 --> 00:18:29,979
I'm like half your viewership.
348
00:18:30,089 --> 00:18:32,956
Oh, I'm flattered
you think we have two viewers.
349
00:18:33,125 --> 00:18:35,889
She's not gonna break up with you, Ted.
You're awesome.
350
00:18:35,994 --> 00:18:39,657
Thanks. Anyway, it's almost 11:00.
I should let you go.
351
00:18:39,765 --> 00:18:40,959
Break a leg.
352
00:18:41,066 --> 00:18:44,297
And so, as I sat at home,
waiting for the phone to ring,
353
00:18:44,403 --> 00:18:46,394
something occurred to me,
354
00:18:46,605 --> 00:18:50,405
I'm actually sitting at home,
waiting for the phone to ring.
355
00:19:05,023 --> 00:19:07,787
- Marshall.
- Hey.
356
00:19:08,394 --> 00:19:10,362
Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you
in a month.
357
00:19:10,462 --> 00:19:11,554
Yeah.
358
00:19:12,231 --> 00:19:14,392
Yeah. How're you doing?
359
00:19:15,067 --> 00:19:17,661
I think Victoria's
about to break up with me.
360
00:19:17,770 --> 00:19:19,795
Oh, God. I'm sorry, man.
361
00:19:19,905 --> 00:19:21,270
Yeah, well,
362
00:19:22,074 --> 00:19:25,942
honestly, I'm having trouble
remembering what she looks like.
363
00:19:26,044 --> 00:19:28,308
The more I try to picture her,
the more I can't.
364
00:19:28,414 --> 00:19:33,044
Like, I remember how she makes me feel,
I just don't completely remember her.
365
00:19:33,452 --> 00:19:36,649
It's like I'm trying to preserve something
that's already gone.
366
00:19:36,755 --> 00:19:38,620
Preserving something that's already gone.
367
00:19:38,724 --> 00:19:40,954
Sounds like environmental law.
368
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:43,159
I don't know.
369
00:19:43,262 --> 00:19:45,924
I mean, we struggle so hard
to hold on to these things
370
00:19:46,031 --> 00:19:48,295
that we know
are gonna disappear eventually.
371
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:50,334
And that's really noble.
372
00:19:50,436 --> 00:19:53,769
But even if you save every rainforest
from being turned into a parking lot,
373
00:19:53,872 --> 00:19:57,137
well, then,
where are you gonna park your car?
374
00:20:22,668 --> 00:20:24,533
Rockupied, Dude, what...
375
00:20:28,807 --> 00:20:32,470
Next up, Marshmallow and Lilypad,
376
00:20:59,771 --> 00:21:02,137
It turns out
some things are worth preserving,
377
00:21:02,241 --> 00:21:04,835
But here's the real
question, It's 2.00 a.m.
378
00:21:04,943 --> 00:21:08,276
Your friends are still out singing karaoke,
but you're home early,
379
00:21:08,380 --> 00:21:11,281
because you're expecting a call
from your girlfriend in Germany
380
00:21:11,383 --> 00:21:13,851
who was supposed to call four hours ago,
381
00:21:13,952 --> 00:21:16,045
And then the phone rings,
382
00:21:19,625 --> 00:21:20,683
Hello?
383
00:21:20,792 --> 00:21:22,817
Hi, Ted, it's Robin.
384
00:21:23,028 --> 00:21:28,398
Um, listen, I know it's late,
but do you want to come over?
385
00:21:29,601 --> 00:21:31,933
What do you do? Go,
386
00:21:33,172 --> 00:21:36,305
Resynced by Ameen
31161
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