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Official MY-SUBS movies site:
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"O Come All Ye Faithful"
playing
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[low background chatter]
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[music livens]
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[rolling piano chords]
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[loud cheers and applause]
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[tinkling piano notes]
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It's been months
now I'm finally ready
13
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To get back in the game
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00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:49,442
To connect
in a dark corner
15
00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:52,821
And then forget your name
16
00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:57,075
I see my breath
in the air before me
17
00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,995
But that's not 'cause
it's cold
18
00:02:01,037 --> 00:02:05,166
Your body moves
and it tells a story
19
00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:07,836
That's been dying
to be told
20
00:02:07,877 --> 00:02:11,840
In the dark of the night
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00:02:11,881 --> 00:02:15,468
I feel like I've been
locked up tight
22
00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:17,387
For centuries
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That's history
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Want you to make me
come alive
25
00:02:23,184 --> 00:02:26,187
- Also, it's Christmas
-[cheers and applause]
26
00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:29,858
Did I mention that it's
Christmas in this club?
27
00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:33,027
Also, it's Christmas
28
00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:37,699
Tonight is the night
we celebrate his son
29
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:41,369
It's Christmas,
yeah, yeah, yeah
30
00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:44,706
Christmas
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00:02:44,747 --> 00:02:46,624
It's Christmas
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00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:50,128
Everyone, tonight,
it is Christmas.
33
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:53,298
[audience whooping]
34
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:56,885
I walk up
to a gay stranger
35
00:02:56,926 --> 00:03:00,513
I whisper right in his ear
36
00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:02,056
Some small talk
37
00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:04,475
Say,
"It's been a warm winter
38
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:07,353
But it's warmer in here"
39
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:11,024
With your hands,
with your eyes
40
00:03:11,065 --> 00:03:14,736
You speak to me
without your voice
41
00:03:14,777 --> 00:03:18,573
Intoxicate, alleviate
42
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,910
I want to feel you
from inside
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00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:24,787
- Also, it's Christmas
-[cheers and applause]
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00:03:24,829 --> 00:03:28,791
It is December 25th,
that is today
45
00:03:28,833 --> 00:03:31,586
Also, it's Christmas
46
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:33,087
Now every year
47
00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:36,507
They will play
this song seasonally
48
00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:40,053
On Christmas,
yeah, yeah, yeah
49
00:03:40,094 --> 00:03:43,681
Christmas
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00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,351
Oh!
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00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:49,687
Late at night
we can take advantage
52
00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:54,067
Of this situation
53
00:03:54,108 --> 00:03:55,610
We're both here
54
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:59,280
Let's let go
of whatever we fear
55
00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:03,284
Let's have sex
is what I'm getting at
56
00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:06,621
But shh,
do you hear that sound?
57
00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:10,291
The sound of children
opening gifts?
58
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:11,584
Oh!
59
00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:14,462
Also, it's Christmas
60
00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:18,633
Do you still want to fuck
or is it weird?
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00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:21,302
Also, it's Christmas
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00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:22,971
I forgot to mention
63
00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:25,932
That my sister
and her kids are here
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00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,017
For Christmas
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00:04:28,059 --> 00:04:32,689
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Christmas
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00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:36,484
Christmah-ah
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00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:39,737
Ah-ahs
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00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:42,615
Merry Christmas
69
00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:54,252
[cheers and applause]
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00:04:57,797 --> 00:04:59,549
Hi.
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00:05:03,886 --> 00:05:06,347
My name is Matt Rogers,
and I am thrilled
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00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:08,766
to be releasing an album
on Christmas.
73
00:05:11,185 --> 00:05:13,479
Team Matt Rogers.
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00:05:13,521 --> 00:05:15,690
As you've been made aware
over an all-caps email
75
00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:18,651
that I sent you all,
we're gonna be pivoting
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00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:21,362
from comedy and acting
to recording artist.
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00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:23,865
I think we can all agree
that's gonna be a lot easier.
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00:05:23,906 --> 00:05:27,744
And my question is
what do recording artists do?
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00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:31,414
-Movies.
-No.
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00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:33,249
-Pilot?
-No.
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00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:35,209
They release Christmas albums.
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00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,545
Mm.
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00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:39,255
That is how you stay
annually relevant
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00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:40,214
and make money
every single year.
85
00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:41,924
Money is a really good point.
86
00:05:41,966 --> 00:05:43,634
I think we can all agree,
money.
87
00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:45,261
So massive rebrand.
88
00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:47,347
I want to be synonymous
with the color red,
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00:05:47,388 --> 00:05:49,849
the festivity scenes
that you see in the mall
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00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:52,101
or in front of people's houses,
Santa Claus--
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00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:53,227
You know,
I believe some nations
92
00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:54,645
will call him Papa Christmas.
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00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:56,689
We should find that out
for international.
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00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,649
Snow. Huge.
95
00:05:58,691 --> 00:06:02,195
Yeah, so I love it.
I think our one concern
96
00:06:02,236 --> 00:06:04,030
was just that you're not
a pop star,
97
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:05,573
which would make it difficult
to just sort of put out
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00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,408
a Christmas album.
But I do love and think
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00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,911
-that it otherwise works.
-[snaps fingers]
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00:06:09,952 --> 00:06:11,371
Way ahead of you as always.
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00:06:11,412 --> 00:06:14,082
When we think
of Christmas and money,
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00:06:14,123 --> 00:06:16,000
where are we headed?
What's our North Pole?
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00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,628
North star, I think you mean
actually.
104
00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:22,548
Mariah. She is Christmas.
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00:06:22,590 --> 00:06:24,842
She is the authority
on this holiday.
106
00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:26,511
So we need her to come out,
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00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:28,721
crown me
the prince of Christmas--
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00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:31,224
Easy. Done.
The whole special makes sense.
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00:06:31,265 --> 00:06:34,977
So are you saying
you want us to book
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00:06:35,019 --> 00:06:36,979
Mariah Carey for the special?
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00:06:37,021 --> 00:06:39,273
Yes.
112
00:06:39,315 --> 00:06:40,733
Excited to brainstorm ways
to make this work.
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00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:41,776
[knocks on table]
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00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:46,447
Who thinks they know
the story of Santa Claus?
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00:06:46,489 --> 00:06:49,450
Well, think again.
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00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:53,955
Every year
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00:06:53,996 --> 00:06:58,876
The story
is always the same
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00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:00,878
There's too many presents
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00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:04,966
To fit in the big bag
on the sleigh
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00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:07,051
Shoot
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00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:10,263
And every year
122
00:07:10,304 --> 00:07:14,934
Santa knows
just what to say
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00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:17,228
When all
of the elves claim
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00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,313
The bag's way too tight
125
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:23,818
And maybe we shouldn't do
this tonight
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00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:27,780
Santa gets crafty
'cause Santa knows
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00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:29,782
He goes to his tool shed
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00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:35,329
He goes to get the lube
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00:07:35,371 --> 00:07:39,792
For the sleigh
130
00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:45,339
Nobody asks why Santa
has so much lube
131
00:07:45,381 --> 00:07:47,383
Lube for the sleigh
132
00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:50,470
The lube
133
00:07:50,511 --> 00:07:55,016
For the sleigh
134
00:07:55,057 --> 00:07:58,769
Break out the gun oil
and fire away
135
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:01,731
Cover the presents in lube
136
00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:03,399
Lube for the sleigh
137
00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:04,650
-[music livens]
-It's about to be
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00:08:04,692 --> 00:08:06,277
a disco Christmas,
motherfuckers.
139
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,695
Are you ready?
140
00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:12,366
This year
141
00:08:12,408 --> 00:08:16,662
The kids have been
extra good
142
00:08:16,704 --> 00:08:18,539
There's so many presents
143
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:21,792
So there's gonna be
so much lube
144
00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:27,131
Elves break their backs
making presents all year
145
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:30,134
But this Christmas
they don't have to fear
146
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:34,055
Because there's lube
147
00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:37,683
For the sleigh
148
00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:39,560
It sort of makes sense
149
00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:41,103
But it's weird
to think about
150
00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:43,105
Because Santa's old,
right?
151
00:08:43,147 --> 00:08:44,941
He needs lube
for his sleigh
152
00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:48,110
The lube
153
00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:52,073
For the sle-eigh-eigh-eigh
154
00:08:52,114 --> 00:08:55,826
Santa saves Christmas
then dicks down his wife
155
00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:58,329
Lube
on the presents tonight
156
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:01,332
Lube for the sleigh
157
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:04,126
And in the midnight hour
158
00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:06,045
On one of Santa's breaks
159
00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:08,214
Donner and Blitzen
160
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:13,261
They find themselves
all alone
161
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:19,850
And in a moment
of pure attraction
162
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:23,229
That's when those reindeers
recognize
163
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:26,941
"Oh, my God,
we really are animals
164
00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,234
"Thank God we have
165
00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:34,407
Lu-u-u-u-ube
166
00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:37,368
Lube, oh, ah, oh, oh
167
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:40,788
There's lube,
oh, ah, oh, oh
168
00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:44,083
The luuuuuube
169
00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:47,503
Ooh oooh hoo
170
00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:50,464
Lube, oh, ah, oh, oh
171
00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:54,135
- There's lube
-[all] Oh, ah, oh, oh
172
00:09:54,176 --> 00:09:57,305
Lu-uu
173
00:09:57,346 --> 00:10:01,475
Uuube
174
00:10:01,517 --> 00:10:04,186
Nobody asks why Santa
175
00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:09,108
Has so much lube
176
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,484
Lube
177
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:14,530
For the sleigh
178
00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:17,450
[cheers and applause]
179
00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:31,339
The man has many secrets.
More on him later.
180
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:34,759
We're some lucky individuals
as well,
181
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,135
because we are joined
182
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:40,139
by the talented
Henry Koperski on the keys.
183
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:43,768
My collaborator on this show.
My friend.
184
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,146
I want to start
the following speech
185
00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:50,524
with simply two words.
186
00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:53,486
Human connection.
187
00:10:53,527 --> 00:10:54,654
[soft piano music starts]
188
00:10:54,695 --> 00:10:56,364
We've lost it.
189
00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:00,201
Somewhere along the way,
190
00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:03,329
human connection
has faltered among us.
191
00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:05,039
Now, I don't know about you,
192
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:09,043
but I wait all year
for Christmas
193
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:11,337
because I think
it's an opportunity
194
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:14,882
to connect with one another
in the name of the spirit.
195
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,384
But lately,
196
00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:19,679
when I'm walking
these streets of New York,
197
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,682
I find that in my attempts
198
00:11:22,723 --> 00:11:25,226
to connect
with people on the street,
199
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:27,561
I fail.
200
00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:29,271
I'll be walking by a stranger
201
00:11:29,313 --> 00:11:30,773
and I'll try to find
their eyes.
202
00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:32,942
I'll try to say, "Hello!"
203
00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:37,738
And they'll walk right by me.
204
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:40,366
And we miss each other.
205
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:42,201
And I'm discouraged by it,
you know?
206
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:44,245
It distresses me.
207
00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:46,414
I want it to change.
208
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,250
That's why tonight I'm issuing
a challenge.
209
00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:55,548
The next time you are walking
the streets of New York,
210
00:11:55,589 --> 00:11:59,009
I want you to go up
to a stranger,
211
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:03,597
grab them by the shoulders,
and shake them.
212
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,270
And I want you to ask them
a question.
213
00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:11,480
I want you to ask them
this question.
214
00:12:14,608 --> 00:12:17,319
Have you heard of
215
00:12:17,361 --> 00:12:21,407
Christmas?
216
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:23,951
Have you heard of
217
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:27,705
Christmas?
218
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:32,334
Sometimes it feels
like you don't know
219
00:12:32,376 --> 00:12:34,628
What Christmas is
220
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:37,757
At all
221
00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:42,219
Have you heard
of Christmas?
222
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,140
Have you heard of
223
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:49,143
[mutters, shivers]
224
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:55,316
Day after day
225
00:12:55,357 --> 00:12:57,568
We turn the channels
226
00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:00,404
And we try to tune it out
227
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,406
That sound of pain
228
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:05,159
That we cause
to each other
229
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:07,119
At times it can feel
230
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:09,830
Like we're fighting
just to reach out
231
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:14,460
And feel something
232
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:17,505
It's like we've forgotten
233
00:13:17,546 --> 00:13:21,884
That one thing
we all have in common
234
00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:25,763
Have you heard
of Christmas?
235
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:30,643
It's when children
gather round
236
00:13:30,684 --> 00:13:33,646
Have you heard
of Christmas?
237
00:13:33,687 --> 00:13:35,189
[chuckles]
238
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,983
We all know
that Christmas sound
239
00:13:38,025 --> 00:13:41,904
Christmas sounds
like ooh, ooh, ooh
240
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:46,325
Christmas sounds like
ooh, ooh, ooh
241
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:50,204
Have you heard
of Christmas?
242
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:53,916
Have you heard of
Christmas?
243
00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:58,838
You know, some people say
244
00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:00,714
We've lost the meaning
245
00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:03,717
Of what Christmas
is all about
246
00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:05,678
I would have to agree
247
00:14:05,719 --> 00:14:09,181
And we can't let politics
or religion
248
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:13,310
Nothing stand in our way
249
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:17,189
Of celebrating
Christmas now
250
00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:20,234
I absolutely know
what Christmas is
251
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:21,735
Yes, I do
252
00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:24,280
And I'm gonna tell you
all about it
253
00:14:24,321 --> 00:14:28,784
Have you heard
of Christmas? Uh
254
00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:32,079
It's the day
that Jesus died
255
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:35,583
Have you heard
of Christmas?
256
00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:37,001
That was the night
257
00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:39,378
That those five disciples
cried
258
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:42,715
They cried together
like, ooh, ooh, ooh
259
00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:44,300
The dolls, they were crying.
260
00:14:44,341 --> 00:14:46,844
The dolls were like,
"Ooh, ooh, ooh"
261
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:50,514
Have you heard
of Christmas?
262
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:55,394
Have you heard of
Christmas?
263
00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:59,440
Santa and Jesus
264
00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:03,193
They were
best, best friends
265
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:06,614
They knew each other
266
00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:09,783
Way back in college
at Bethlehem
267
00:15:09,825 --> 00:15:14,288
They knew each other
like ooh, ooh, ooh
268
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,790
They were like
Ooh, ooh, ooh
269
00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,626
Ooh, ooh, ooh
270
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:22,630
Honestly, I have not been
to church
271
00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:23,964
In a very long
272
00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:27,801
Tiiiiiiime
273
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:30,137
[cheers and applause]
274
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:34,808
Have you heard
of Christmas?
275
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:37,895
It's when Moses
did the lake
276
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,940
Have you heard
of Christmas?
277
00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:42,483
That was the night
278
00:15:42,524 --> 00:15:45,194
That they made St. Nick
a saint
279
00:15:45,235 --> 00:15:49,823
Have you heard
of Christmas?
280
00:15:49,865 --> 00:15:52,910
That's when Noah
built his boat
281
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:56,622
Have you heard
of Christmas?
282
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:58,415
It's when you see
that cousin
283
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:01,835
That you wanna fuck
but you don't
284
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:05,339
Sometimes it can feel
like you don't know
285
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:09,009
What Christmas is at all
286
00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:13,847
And I will admit
that I do not know
287
00:16:13,889 --> 00:16:16,058
What Christmas is
288
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:25,025
At all
289
00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:33,534
But I've heard
of Christmas
290
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:36,704
We have all...
291
00:16:36,745 --> 00:16:39,581
At least heard of
292
00:16:39,623 --> 00:16:44,086
Christmas
293
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:47,089
And suddenly it seems
294
00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:52,177
We all have something
in common after all
295
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:59,101
Have you heard
of Christmas?
296
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:04,982
Ooh, ooh, ooh
297
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,693
Ooh
298
00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:21,040
[Katie 1] Okay. Okay.
299
00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,083
What if we tricked her
into thinking
300
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:24,668
-you're Billy Eichner?
-I'm me.
301
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,086
Why would I want to be
fucking Billy Eichner?
302
00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:27,588
He's so loud.
303
00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:29,590
She already has a Christmas gay
and it's him.
304
00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:31,425
[Matt] I am the Christmas gay!
305
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,760
Okay, I'm not saying
that we kidnap her.
306
00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:35,012
But what if we hire someone
to get her?
307
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,847
Oh, what, so I can be
famous from jail?
308
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:39,308
What is it, 2008?
That's not chic anymore.
309
00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:40,601
[Katie 4]
Wait, speaking of 2008,
310
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:42,519
Jessica Simpson is in the lobby
right now.
311
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:43,812
She would love to do it.
312
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:45,439
She put out
a Christmas album once.
313
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:47,816
No. Tell her thank you,
but no.
314
00:17:48,942 --> 00:17:50,194
Hey, Mama...
315
00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:51,945
[door closes]
It's a no this year.
316
00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:55,532
Girls, I have
a major press event in an hour.
317
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:57,618
I have to leave.
But none of this works
318
00:17:57,659 --> 00:18:00,662
unless Mariah Carey herself,
the queen of Christmas,
319
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:01,914
anoints me the prince.
320
00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:03,707
Okay? It has to happen.
321
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,793
That has to happen.
322
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:07,294
dramatic chords
323
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:09,922
And now, a spoken word moment.
324
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:16,720
[softly]
Where are you, Christmas?
325
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:21,558
Why can't I find you?
326
00:18:26,605 --> 00:18:27,898
Why have you gone away?
327
00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:35,072
Where is the laughter
you used to bring me?
328
00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:39,159
Why can't I hear
music play?
329
00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:43,497
My world is changing.
330
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,043
I'm rearranging.
331
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,631
Does that mean
332
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:55,676
Christmas changes too?
333
00:18:58,387 --> 00:18:59,888
Please clap.
334
00:19:06,353 --> 00:19:07,855
Thank you.
I just performed
335
00:19:07,896 --> 00:19:10,315
that poem terrifically.
336
00:19:10,357 --> 00:19:13,152
But here's the thing
about performance--
337
00:19:13,193 --> 00:19:16,697
a performer is only as good
338
00:19:16,738 --> 00:19:20,325
as the material that he, she,
or they are given to perform.
339
00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:22,661
And I would like to make
an announcement
340
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:25,038
about that piece.
341
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:28,876
It was written by none other
than Mariah Carey.
342
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:34,673
It's entitled
"Where Are You Christmas?"
343
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:36,049
And you may recognize it
344
00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:38,302
from the seminal
Christmas classic
345
00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:40,971
Grinch.
346
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:43,473
So this poem or song
347
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:45,142
that's featured
in the film Grinch,
348
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:47,019
Mariah was commissioned
to write it
349
00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:50,397
because the filmmakers
of Grinch, Jim Carrey,
350
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:53,650
they said,
351
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:59,031
"Mariah, what we need
is we need a song
352
00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:01,742
from the perspective
of young Cindy Lou Who."
353
00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:03,744
I do this 'cause
she's about that tall.
354
00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:08,415
"We need a song
that says something
355
00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:12,002
about seeing, as you mature,
Christmas change--
356
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:14,588
the meaning of Christmas
become a little bit different
357
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:16,089
as you get older."
358
00:20:16,131 --> 00:20:18,800
So impressed were
the filmmakers of Grinch--
359
00:20:18,842 --> 00:20:21,720
Jim Carrey--
that they said to Mariah,
360
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:25,474
"Could you potentially write
more songs
361
00:20:25,515 --> 00:20:28,560
from other characters'
perspective in the film?"
362
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,604
And Mariah said,
"I'll take that on."
363
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:32,272
And so she watched
and early rough cut
364
00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:34,524
of the film Grinch.
365
00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:36,360
And she immediately connected
366
00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:38,946
with one character
in particular.
367
00:20:38,987 --> 00:20:41,657
That character's name
is Martha May Whovier.
368
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:46,787
She is, of course,
the only single adult woman
369
00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:48,372
in all of Whoville.
370
00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:50,290
She's portrayed
by the very sexy actress
371
00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:52,626
Christine Baranski in the film.
372
00:20:54,127 --> 00:20:56,380
Christine hive is here.
We love.
373
00:20:57,464 --> 00:21:01,260
And so she wrote a song
that was ultimately cut.
374
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:04,179
Now, while I'm not permitted
to perform
375
00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:05,639
"Where Are You Christmas?"
376
00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:07,766
or "All I Want for Christmas
is You" tonight,
377
00:21:07,808 --> 00:21:09,309
Mariah did make an exception
378
00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:11,812
for this cut song
from Grinch the film
379
00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:13,647
because she never recorded it.
380
00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:15,816
I will be the first
to perform it here tonight.
381
00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:17,109
Are you amenable to that?
382
00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:21,697
Fantastic, as they say.
383
00:21:21,738 --> 00:21:24,157
Now, in order to sort of
get into it--
384
00:21:24,199 --> 00:21:25,659
I'm sorry, actor thing--
385
00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:27,369
I do have
to sort of become her.
386
00:21:29,413 --> 00:21:31,581
So just give me a second
to become her.
387
00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:36,336
soft piano notes
388
00:21:36,378 --> 00:21:40,007
389
00:21:40,048 --> 00:21:41,758
Perfect, I'd say.
390
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:45,012
So what we are going for here
391
00:21:45,053 --> 00:21:47,264
is sort of a MILF
with no kids look.
392
00:21:48,890 --> 00:21:50,183
I would like everyone
to remember
393
00:21:50,225 --> 00:21:52,602
that this song was written
in the year 2000
394
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:54,313
when Mariah was beginning
to experiment
395
00:21:54,354 --> 00:21:57,190
with her new sound
of R&B music.
396
00:21:57,232 --> 00:21:59,359
Character met form,
and the following happened.
397
00:22:01,069 --> 00:22:04,698
Oh, oh, oh, oh
398
00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:08,535
Got this jacuzzi runnin'
399
00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:11,371
Hottest female
up in the land
400
00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:15,042
Oh, oh
401
00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:18,879
I think
your wife is callin'
402
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,423
I'm the Who who's screwin'
her man
403
00:22:21,465 --> 00:22:24,593
Mad drippage down my neck,
that's my Who jewels
404
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:27,929
These men are dialin' up,
actin' straight fools
405
00:22:27,971 --> 00:22:30,891
He wants
some Martha May Who
406
00:22:30,932 --> 00:22:34,561
That's why he's not witchu
407
00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:37,731
I'm the only hot Who
up in Whoville
408
00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:41,068
Men know if their wife won't
I will
409
00:22:41,109 --> 00:22:43,737
He's tryna get
this Martha May Who
410
00:22:43,779 --> 00:22:47,407
Whoville sex is what I do
411
00:22:47,449 --> 00:22:50,911
Courvosier by the case
straight killa
412
00:22:50,952 --> 00:22:54,039
Ice pussy,
I'm the Whoville thrilla
413
00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:57,250
I heard there's a Grinch
414
00:22:57,292 --> 00:23:00,670
I'ma definitely fuck
this Grinch
415
00:23:00,712 --> 00:23:04,549
Oh, oh, oh, oh
416
00:23:04,591 --> 00:23:07,844
Got this jacuzzi runnin'
417
00:23:07,886 --> 00:23:12,182
Hottest female
up in the land
418
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:14,476
Oh, oh
419
00:23:14,518 --> 00:23:17,979
My wardrobe looks stunnin'
420
00:23:18,021 --> 00:23:20,440
I'ma absolutely fuck
the Grinch
421
00:23:20,482 --> 00:23:22,776
And I can't help
that men like me
422
00:23:22,818 --> 00:23:26,446
Y'all chickens giving me
side eye
423
00:23:26,488 --> 00:23:29,116
But I know
if you got to know me
424
00:23:29,157 --> 00:23:33,078
You would surely be
surprised
425
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,414
Something
that I desperately crave
426
00:23:35,455 --> 00:23:39,084
Is female friendship
427
00:23:39,126 --> 00:23:41,711
If you actually think
about it
428
00:23:41,753 --> 00:23:45,424
This situation
is very, very sad
429
00:23:45,465 --> 00:23:48,760
Courvosier by the case
straight killa
430
00:23:48,802 --> 00:23:52,097
Ice pussy,
I'm the Whoville thrilla
431
00:23:52,139 --> 00:23:55,142
And I know
when I see this Grinch
432
00:23:55,183 --> 00:23:58,103
His dick is 'bout to grow
three sizes
433
00:23:58,145 --> 00:24:01,565
If you relate
to this character
434
00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:04,818
You can probably understand
me when I say
435
00:24:04,860 --> 00:24:07,654
It's hard to call myself
a feminist
436
00:24:07,696 --> 00:24:09,156
Because
of the social climate
437
00:24:09,197 --> 00:24:11,158
In which I exist
438
00:24:11,199 --> 00:24:14,619
Ah ah ah ah ah ah
439
00:24:14,661 --> 00:24:19,416
Ah ah ah ah ah
ah ah
440
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:23,336
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
441
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,130
end chords
442
00:24:44,941 --> 00:24:46,276
Uh, can't take credit
for that one.
443
00:24:46,318 --> 00:24:49,654
Mariah Carey wrote that.
Can't possibly take credit.
444
00:24:51,198 --> 00:24:53,992
So, while I am sort of
445
00:24:54,034 --> 00:24:58,371
embodying the female characters
of the Christmas lore,
446
00:24:58,413 --> 00:25:00,373
I think I'd like
to keep doing that.
447
00:25:00,415 --> 00:25:02,375
Um...
448
00:25:02,792 --> 00:25:05,128
I think we can all
probably agree
449
00:25:05,170 --> 00:25:09,508
that the most famous
Christmas female
450
00:25:09,549 --> 00:25:12,636
-is probably Mrs. Claus, right?
-[applause]
451
00:25:12,677 --> 00:25:15,430
Yeah, we all know her.
452
00:25:18,225 --> 00:25:20,560
Or do we?
453
00:25:20,602 --> 00:25:23,730
We know an idea of her.
We could draw her.
454
00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:30,570
But do we know...
455
00:25:30,612 --> 00:25:32,072
Kristin?
456
00:25:38,203 --> 00:25:40,413
Kristin Giordano.
457
00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:45,126
Of Syosset, New York.
458
00:25:50,257 --> 00:25:53,969
In the words of Mariah,
we don't know her.
459
00:25:54,010 --> 00:25:55,762
And I think that's sad.
460
00:25:55,804 --> 00:25:59,641
I mean, she is
this female icon of Christmas
461
00:25:59,683 --> 00:26:02,018
that we pretend to celebrate,
462
00:26:02,060 --> 00:26:03,770
and I just think it's wrong
463
00:26:03,812 --> 00:26:06,231
that we know nothing
about her true story.
464
00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:10,610
So I took it upon myself
as a musical artist...
465
00:26:12,779 --> 00:26:16,783
...to sit down and really
just put pen to paper
466
00:26:16,825 --> 00:26:19,619
and try to draw out a person
that made sense to me
467
00:26:19,661 --> 00:26:22,831
based on the information
that we do have.
468
00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:28,420
gentle piano chords
469
00:26:28,461 --> 00:26:33,383
470
00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:45,645
You've been bad
471
00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:47,022
I know that when you
472
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,525
And your reindeer boys
gear up
473
00:26:50,567 --> 00:26:54,487
That you'll look back
474
00:26:54,529 --> 00:26:59,326
You'll say, "It's 24 hours.
I'll see ya later"
475
00:26:59,367 --> 00:27:01,536
But I did the math
476
00:27:04,164 --> 00:27:07,584
I bet you thought
that I would not be
477
00:27:07,626 --> 00:27:10,337
Capable of that
478
00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:17,761
But I bought a calculator
479
00:27:17,802 --> 00:27:19,346
And it would take
480
00:27:19,387 --> 00:27:22,474
Five hundred and thirty
trillion
481
00:27:22,515 --> 00:27:26,853
Seven hundred
and forty-five billion
482
00:27:26,895 --> 00:27:30,815
Two hundred and thirty-three
million hours
483
00:27:30,857 --> 00:27:33,943
To see every house
in the world
484
00:27:33,985 --> 00:27:37,364
So where do you go
when you leave?
485
00:27:37,405 --> 00:27:41,493
Every Christmas Eve
486
00:27:41,534 --> 00:27:46,831
Because I know
you are lying to me
487
00:27:46,873 --> 00:27:51,044
Santa Claus,
you got caught
488
00:27:51,086 --> 00:27:54,130
Where do you go
when you leave?
489
00:27:54,172 --> 00:27:58,551
Every Christmas Eve
490
00:27:58,593 --> 00:28:02,305
Every Christmas
I sit at home
491
00:28:02,347 --> 00:28:04,933
I'm wondering which one
492
00:28:04,974 --> 00:28:08,687
Which of the world's nations
houses the woman
493
00:28:08,728 --> 00:28:12,857
Who stole my husband,
stole my whole life
494
00:28:12,899 --> 00:28:16,986
There are so many nations,
I read
495
00:28:17,028 --> 00:28:20,907
There's eight hundred and
forty-five thousand billion
496
00:28:20,949 --> 00:28:24,911
Twenty-two million,
two hundred six thousand
497
00:28:24,953 --> 00:28:29,207
Twenty eight trillion
and two hundred billion
498
00:28:29,249 --> 00:28:31,584
Countries in the world
499
00:28:31,626 --> 00:28:34,587
So where do you go
when you leave?
500
00:28:34,629 --> 00:28:38,091
Every Christmas Eve
501
00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:41,678
Because I know
you are lying to me, Nick
502
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,304
I looked it up.
503
00:28:43,346 --> 00:28:47,016
Santa "Claus,"
you got caught
504
00:28:47,058 --> 00:28:49,894
Where do you go
when you leave?
505
00:28:49,936 --> 00:28:53,231
Every Christmas Eve
506
00:28:55,233 --> 00:28:58,737
You used to teach
second grade
507
00:28:58,778 --> 00:29:01,531
I used to think
you never even really had
508
00:29:01,573 --> 00:29:04,576
Dreams at all before this
509
00:29:04,617 --> 00:29:08,329
I didn't go to college
out of high school
510
00:29:08,371 --> 00:29:10,874
I went to the North Pole
511
00:29:10,915 --> 00:29:13,460
But still I stay
the course
512
00:29:13,501 --> 00:29:16,045
Because if I left
513
00:29:16,087 --> 00:29:21,593
What would
the whole world say?
514
00:29:21,634 --> 00:29:25,388
But I think
I'm leaving you anyway
515
00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:29,893
'Cause there are
516
00:29:31,144 --> 00:29:35,482
Six hundred and ninety-eight
billion billion
517
00:29:35,523 --> 00:29:39,778
Forty and two
and six-ninety fafillion
518
00:29:39,819 --> 00:29:42,655
Other men in the world
519
00:29:42,697 --> 00:29:45,617
And if that sounds wrong,
I don't care
520
00:29:45,658 --> 00:29:48,495
They won't lie to me
when they leave
521
00:29:48,536 --> 00:29:52,332
Not every Christmas Eve
522
00:29:52,373 --> 00:29:57,378
Like I know
you've been lying to me
523
00:29:57,420 --> 00:30:01,174
Santa Claus,
you got caught
524
00:30:01,216 --> 00:30:03,593
[loudly] Where do you go
when you leave
525
00:30:03,635 --> 00:30:06,930
Every Christmas Eve?
526
00:30:06,971 --> 00:30:10,767
From now on
you're done hurting me
527
00:30:10,809 --> 00:30:14,521
Every Christmas Eve
528
00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:18,483
[softly]
I did the math
529
00:30:21,194 --> 00:30:25,573
I bet you thought
that I would not be
530
00:30:25,615 --> 00:30:29,744
Capable of that
531
00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:34,541
end chords
532
00:30:44,926 --> 00:30:47,554
You know, I have a feeling
her instincts are right.
533
00:30:47,595 --> 00:30:49,556
Her math is definitely wrong.
534
00:30:50,932 --> 00:30:53,226
Um, at this time,
535
00:30:53,268 --> 00:30:56,813
I would like to address sort of
an elephant in the room.
536
00:30:56,855 --> 00:31:00,400
The elephant is currently
playing piano.
537
00:31:00,441 --> 00:31:02,235
His name is Henry Koperski.
Give it up one more time.
538
00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:07,240
The truth is
539
00:31:07,282 --> 00:31:11,744
that Henry and I used to be
a little bit of an item.
540
00:31:11,786 --> 00:31:15,081
We used to be a little bit of a
thing for two and a half years.
541
00:31:15,123 --> 00:31:16,583
Um...
542
00:31:16,624 --> 00:31:19,627
Henry's a lovely person,
but it had to end
543
00:31:19,669 --> 00:31:22,088
because the thing about Henry--
can you put ear muffs?
544
00:31:22,130 --> 00:31:23,798
Ear muffs.
545
00:31:27,135 --> 00:31:29,971
The thing about Henry
is he didn't fucking get it.
546
00:31:30,013 --> 00:31:31,723
Who is dating someone
547
00:31:31,764 --> 00:31:33,266
and they just don't fucking
get it?
548
00:31:33,308 --> 00:31:35,476
You guys know what I'm saying?
They don't fucking get it.
549
00:31:35,518 --> 00:31:36,686
It's, like, you just--
550
00:31:36,728 --> 00:31:37,937
there's parts of it
that are good,
551
00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:39,188
you want to make it work,
552
00:31:39,230 --> 00:31:41,524
and--but they just don't
fucking get it.
553
00:31:41,566 --> 00:31:42,775
And where do you go from there?
554
00:31:42,817 --> 00:31:44,694
It's just, like--
you can take them off now.
555
00:31:44,736 --> 00:31:47,071
He would take me
to these fucked up
556
00:31:47,113 --> 00:31:48,615
stupid fucking places.
557
00:31:48,656 --> 00:31:50,617
I was like, "What kind of girl
do you think I am?"
558
00:31:50,658 --> 00:31:53,202
Like, the way he's, like,
taking me to these joints--
559
00:31:53,244 --> 00:31:54,829
like, he just didn't get it.
560
00:31:56,748 --> 00:31:59,792
And so I forced him to write
a song with me
561
00:31:59,834 --> 00:32:01,544
about our relationship,
562
00:32:01,586 --> 00:32:03,630
and we're gonna perform it
right here.
563
00:32:03,671 --> 00:32:05,632
Here we go.
564
00:32:05,673 --> 00:32:09,302
[vocalizes]
565
00:32:09,344 --> 00:32:10,803
Yeah, yeah
566
00:32:10,845 --> 00:32:12,805
funky music
567
00:32:12,847 --> 00:32:14,474
Ooh
568
00:32:14,515 --> 00:32:16,434
Heard you say
you had a surprise
569
00:32:16,476 --> 00:32:19,145
A reservation really nice?
570
00:32:19,187 --> 00:32:20,897
No
571
00:32:22,148 --> 00:32:25,818
And ooh
why you tryna mess around?
572
00:32:25,860 --> 00:32:28,780
Why you taking me
downtown?
573
00:32:28,821 --> 00:32:30,448
No, no
574
00:32:30,490 --> 00:32:32,992
Because I'm dressed up
575
00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:35,495
Not nice but warm
576
00:32:35,536 --> 00:32:38,122
If you wanna marry me
577
00:32:38,164 --> 00:32:39,958
You better listen to this
578
00:32:39,999 --> 00:32:43,503
So-oo-oo-oo-ong
579
00:32:43,544 --> 00:32:46,464
I wanna go
where they film mad things
580
00:32:46,506 --> 00:32:48,341
Bump into people
accidentally
581
00:32:48,383 --> 00:32:49,676
At RockafellaCenta
582
00:32:49,717 --> 00:32:51,135
Yes, yes
583
00:32:51,177 --> 00:32:52,845
RockafellaCenta
584
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,682
I wanna watch
the people ice skating
585
00:32:55,723 --> 00:32:57,850
Look up at a tree
that is so big
586
00:32:57,892 --> 00:33:00,144
At RockafellaCenta,
you know the one
587
00:33:00,186 --> 00:33:02,188
RockafellaCenta
[gasps]
588
00:33:02,230 --> 00:33:05,441
I wanna see Jimmy Fallon
come out the building
589
00:33:05,483 --> 00:33:07,360
Because
that's where he works
590
00:33:07,402 --> 00:33:10,488
I wanna see Al Roker
come out the building
591
00:33:10,530 --> 00:33:12,323
Because
that's where he works
592
00:33:12,365 --> 00:33:13,866
I wanna see
Jenna Bush Hager
593
00:33:13,908 --> 00:33:15,243
Come out the building
594
00:33:15,284 --> 00:33:17,203
Because
that's where she works
595
00:33:17,245 --> 00:33:20,039
And I wanna see
the big, the big, the big
596
00:33:20,081 --> 00:33:23,251
The big, big, big tree,
tree at RockafellaCenta
597
00:33:23,292 --> 00:33:24,711
Is that Hoda?
598
00:33:24,752 --> 00:33:26,713
RockafellaCenta,
it is Hoda
599
00:33:26,754 --> 00:33:28,715
RockafellaCenta, uh
600
00:33:28,756 --> 00:33:29,882
Wish I could live
at the Centa
601
00:33:29,924 --> 00:33:31,259
Hi, girl.
602
00:33:31,300 --> 00:33:35,555
It's mostly about the tree
603
00:33:35,596 --> 00:33:40,143
That's what it's
really about for me
604
00:33:40,184 --> 00:33:41,227
Tree at RockafellaCenta
605
00:33:41,269 --> 00:33:42,603
Mikey Day?
606
00:33:42,645 --> 00:33:44,063
RockafellaCenta
607
00:33:44,105 --> 00:33:47,233
God bless RockafellaCenta
608
00:33:47,275 --> 00:33:49,569
- Rockafella...
-[all] Centa.
609
00:33:49,610 --> 00:33:50,653
Centa
610
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:52,572
-[bell rings]
-All right, guys,
611
00:33:52,613 --> 00:33:54,741
so today, instead of reading,
612
00:33:54,782 --> 00:33:56,909
we're gonna do
a little Christmas treat, okay?
613
00:33:56,951 --> 00:33:58,411
We have a really special guest
coming in.
614
00:33:58,453 --> 00:34:00,580
Is it Santa Claus?
615
00:34:00,621 --> 00:34:02,248
Ho, ho.
616
00:34:02,290 --> 00:34:04,542
The fuck's that?
617
00:34:04,584 --> 00:34:08,421
Y'all, it's Matt Rogers,
Christmas icon.
618
00:34:10,131 --> 00:34:11,424
Ho, ho!
619
00:34:11,466 --> 00:34:13,426
It's actually--
there's three "hos"
620
00:34:13,468 --> 00:34:16,054
Like, it's, like, "ho, ho, ho."
621
00:34:16,095 --> 00:34:17,221
Ho.
622
00:34:17,263 --> 00:34:19,098
Got all excited for Santa
623
00:34:19,140 --> 00:34:20,892
or at least someone
pretending to be Santa.
624
00:34:20,933 --> 00:34:22,268
Even if Santa's...
625
00:34:22,310 --> 00:34:23,478
Yeah, we don't need to say it.
626
00:34:23,519 --> 00:34:24,771
[student] Yeah.
627
00:34:24,812 --> 00:34:27,106
Okay, well, thank you,
Miss Peters
628
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:28,566
for allowing me
to come in here today
629
00:34:28,608 --> 00:34:30,276
and give you little ones
a special gift.
630
00:34:30,318 --> 00:34:33,404
Little ones? We're ten.
Don't be condescending.
631
00:34:33,446 --> 00:34:34,906
Okay, um...
632
00:34:34,947 --> 00:34:36,491
Well...
633
00:34:36,532 --> 00:34:38,951
I am a recording artist.
634
00:34:38,993 --> 00:34:40,995
Does anybody know
what that means?
635
00:34:41,037 --> 00:34:42,497
Yes.
636
00:34:42,538 --> 00:34:43,998
Evidently, it's someone
who talks down to people
637
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:46,292
like they're fools.
638
00:34:46,334 --> 00:34:47,794
Okay, seriously,
what is the problem here?
639
00:34:47,835 --> 00:34:49,170
Because, um...
640
00:34:49,212 --> 00:34:50,421
did you not tell them
what was happening?
641
00:34:50,463 --> 00:34:51,756
No.
642
00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:54,342
I'm like a huge fan
of the podcast.
643
00:34:54,383 --> 00:34:57,136
Miss Peters, you are so basic.
644
00:34:57,178 --> 00:34:59,639
Stop. You embarrass yourself.
645
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:00,932
Thank you for that.
646
00:35:00,973 --> 00:35:04,477
Okay, well, everyone,
I'm a singer.
647
00:35:04,519 --> 00:35:06,979
And I've been thinking a lot
about you kids nowadays.
648
00:35:07,021 --> 00:35:09,607
Because I think it stinks
649
00:35:09,649 --> 00:35:12,401
that there are
so many Christmas songs
650
00:35:12,443 --> 00:35:15,321
but there are
no Christmas lullabies.
651
00:35:15,363 --> 00:35:17,448
-Jesus!
-[groans]
652
00:35:17,490 --> 00:35:20,660
So what I did is I wrote
a Christmas lullaby,
653
00:35:20,701 --> 00:35:22,829
and I'm gonna debut it
for you all right now.
654
00:35:22,870 --> 00:35:24,455
[chuckles]
655
00:35:24,497 --> 00:35:25,998
Yes, little queen.
656
00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:27,333
So can I just ask,
657
00:35:27,375 --> 00:35:29,377
is this a press opportunity
for you?
658
00:35:29,418 --> 00:35:31,129
'Cause coming here with
a camera crew and everything,
659
00:35:31,170 --> 00:35:33,297
telling us you're gonna give us
a gift--
660
00:35:33,339 --> 00:35:34,966
your energy's very selfish.
661
00:35:35,007 --> 00:35:37,760
I'm feeling a little...used.
662
00:35:37,802 --> 00:35:40,179
Yeah, like, do your thing.
You're already here.
663
00:35:40,221 --> 00:35:42,014
But we just want to get
real clear
664
00:35:42,056 --> 00:35:43,641
about the fact
that this is for you
665
00:35:43,683 --> 00:35:46,811
and not a "gift" for us
before you do your little song.
666
00:35:46,853 --> 00:35:47,895
Clown.
667
00:35:49,647 --> 00:35:50,898
Okay.
668
00:35:50,940 --> 00:35:55,069
Well, this song is called
"Snowflakes,"
669
00:35:55,111 --> 00:35:57,113
and it goes
a little something like this.
670
00:35:57,155 --> 00:35:59,323
- Ooh, s--
-Uh, excuse me.
671
00:36:00,575 --> 00:36:02,535
It's a chop.
672
00:36:02,577 --> 00:36:04,871
But whatever
you're looking for,
673
00:36:04,912 --> 00:36:07,456
we hope you find it.
674
00:36:07,498 --> 00:36:10,877
[shudders] Ooh!
Ohh!
675
00:36:10,918 --> 00:36:14,005
Suddenly, it just got
very cold on stage.
676
00:36:14,046 --> 00:36:15,798
You know? It's very cold.
Henry, aren't you cold?
677
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:19,385
Do brr. Do brr. Act.
678
00:36:19,427 --> 00:36:21,512
Man, it's so chilly.
679
00:36:21,554 --> 00:36:25,141
I think what I might need
is some body heat up here.
680
00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:26,517
So I'm gonna invite
a couple of my friends.
681
00:36:26,559 --> 00:36:28,019
Everybody give it up
682
00:36:28,060 --> 00:36:31,397
for the talented Josh Sharp
and Aaron Jackson!
683
00:36:31,439 --> 00:36:33,566
You were there the whole time?
684
00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:35,735
Thanks for coming to the show,
doll.
685
00:36:37,862 --> 00:36:38,863
Hi.
686
00:36:40,072 --> 00:36:41,532
-Wow!
-Thanks for being
687
00:36:41,574 --> 00:36:43,618
-on the show, guys.
-Merry Christmas.
688
00:36:43,659 --> 00:36:44,827
[together] Merry Christmas.
689
00:36:44,869 --> 00:36:47,830
So, wait, let's just get
into it, shall we?
690
00:36:47,872 --> 00:36:49,999
The question on everyone's
minds and lips...
691
00:36:50,041 --> 00:36:51,334
[Aaron] Yeah.
692
00:36:51,375 --> 00:36:53,044
What are you guys doing
for the holidays?
693
00:36:53,085 --> 00:36:54,545
Are you going back home
and seeing some family?
694
00:36:54,587 --> 00:36:55,796
-[both] Yes.
-Is that what's happening?
695
00:36:55,838 --> 00:36:57,173
-Absolutely.
-[Aaron] That's happening.
696
00:36:57,215 --> 00:36:59,342
My family actually has
this really fun tradition.
697
00:36:59,383 --> 00:37:01,177
-Okay.
-Every Christmas we do, um,
698
00:37:01,219 --> 00:37:03,137
a White Elephant gift exchange.
699
00:37:03,179 --> 00:37:04,472
-I love that.
-I love White Elephant
700
00:37:04,513 --> 00:37:05,598
'cause you can do the trade--
701
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:06,682
-The stealing, yes.
-The steals.
702
00:37:06,724 --> 00:37:08,559
Yeah, I love to steal.
703
00:37:08,601 --> 00:37:11,270
And, um,
it's so interesting, though,
704
00:37:11,312 --> 00:37:13,564
because, like, every year
I'll be opening a present--
705
00:37:13,606 --> 00:37:15,691
I'll be opening mine,
and, you know, I'll, like,
706
00:37:15,733 --> 00:37:17,235
hold out, you know, the socks
or something funny like that.
707
00:37:17,276 --> 00:37:18,945
-Yeah.
-And then everyone
708
00:37:18,986 --> 00:37:20,112
in the family will turn to me,
709
00:37:20,154 --> 00:37:21,197
and they'll look at me
and they'll say,
710
00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:22,531
"In your relationship,
711
00:37:22,573 --> 00:37:25,868
who is the man
and who is the woman?"
712
00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:27,536
-Well, that seems...
-I don't like that.
713
00:37:27,578 --> 00:37:28,704
-Random.
-It's so crazy.
714
00:37:28,746 --> 00:37:29,914
And I'm like, "First of all,
715
00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:32,124
we prefer the terms
hole and pole."
716
00:37:32,166 --> 00:37:34,460
But I just wanna say,
I really love the tradition
717
00:37:34,502 --> 00:37:36,128
and I love the White Elephant.
-[Matt] Of course.
718
00:37:36,170 --> 00:37:38,297
Uh, my family actually has
a tradition, too.
719
00:37:38,339 --> 00:37:39,632
-[Aaron] Oh!
-[Matt] Okay.
720
00:37:39,674 --> 00:37:41,300
So we do this thing
where we eat a meal.
721
00:37:41,342 --> 00:37:42,927
-Oh, my gosh.
-Classic.
722
00:37:42,969 --> 00:37:45,263
Yes, it's like this big meal.
And there's, like--
723
00:37:45,304 --> 00:37:47,139
everybody's there
and there's all these sides.
724
00:37:47,181 --> 00:37:49,475
But I find that always, like,
I'm, like, digging into the--
725
00:37:49,517 --> 00:37:50,893
you know,
the Christmas turkey...
726
00:37:50,935 --> 00:37:52,770
-Yeah.
-And I'm, like, sucking out--
727
00:37:52,812 --> 00:37:55,314
I've got the big leg
in my mouth and they're like,
728
00:37:55,356 --> 00:37:58,442
"Is this what sucking a cock
is like?" they say to me.
729
00:37:58,484 --> 00:38:00,861
-[Aaron] Oh, my God.
-Hello, microaggression.
730
00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:02,613
Right. Very microaggressive.
731
00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:04,240
-Very microaggressive.
-And I'm like,
732
00:38:04,282 --> 00:38:06,409
"First of all, no.
Cocks aren't cooked."
733
00:38:06,450 --> 00:38:08,077
-Yeah.
-Duh.
734
00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:09,745
-Famously raw.
-Oh, the rawest.
735
00:38:09,787 --> 00:38:10,997
And then also,
they don't ask it
736
00:38:11,038 --> 00:38:12,415
of anyone else,
and I'm like,
737
00:38:12,456 --> 00:38:14,292
"A lot of these girls
suck cock.
738
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:15,835
Quite frankly,
I'm not the only one."
739
00:38:15,876 --> 00:38:18,129
-[Matt] They do.
-But they ask only me that.
740
00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:19,422
I would imagine they suck cock.
741
00:38:19,463 --> 00:38:20,589
But the meal is so fun.
742
00:38:20,631 --> 00:38:21,507
-[Aaron] Yum.
-And there's so many
743
00:38:21,549 --> 00:38:22,800
kids there.
744
00:38:22,842 --> 00:38:24,927
There are so many kids.
It's mostly kids.
745
00:38:24,969 --> 00:38:27,930
Yeah, um, so for me, I guess--
746
00:38:27,972 --> 00:38:29,515
-Oh, my God, Matt.
-Matt, oh, my God.
747
00:38:29,557 --> 00:38:30,850
-Don't cry.
-What's up?
748
00:38:30,891 --> 00:38:32,435
It's just been
really hard for me
749
00:38:32,476 --> 00:38:34,687
with my extended family
and the climate.
750
00:38:34,729 --> 00:38:37,148
And just, like--
I don't know, girls.
751
00:38:37,189 --> 00:38:40,026
Hey, girl,
what's the matter?
752
00:38:40,067 --> 00:38:41,944
Feels like you done lost
that shine
753
00:38:41,986 --> 00:38:43,487
-[mouthing] I did?
-[Josh] It's like every
754
00:38:43,529 --> 00:38:45,323
Year when Christmas
comes around
755
00:38:45,364 --> 00:38:47,783
You always lose your mind
756
00:38:47,825 --> 00:38:51,370
Is it your job or your man
or your occupation
757
00:38:51,412 --> 00:38:53,622
That's getting you down?
758
00:38:53,664 --> 00:38:54,832
We're your girls
759
00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:59,128
You can tell us now
760
00:38:59,170 --> 00:39:01,380
Well, first let me say
761
00:39:01,422 --> 00:39:03,924
You are
my very best friends
762
00:39:03,966 --> 00:39:06,719
And I know that
when you address me as girl
763
00:39:06,761 --> 00:39:08,346
You know that I'm a man
764
00:39:08,387 --> 00:39:09,764
[together] Yeah, yeah
765
00:39:09,805 --> 00:39:11,974
But, honestly,
this Christmas
766
00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:14,643
I am feeling
kind of strange
767
00:39:14,685 --> 00:39:19,148
I don't wanna hear
my relatives say
768
00:39:19,190 --> 00:39:20,399
[together]
We think you're wrong
769
00:39:20,441 --> 00:39:22,443
We think
that you're not right
770
00:39:22,485 --> 00:39:24,737
You're liberal and gay
771
00:39:24,779 --> 00:39:29,075
And we don't wanna hear
a thing you say
772
00:39:29,116 --> 00:39:32,161
Hey, girl,
and, of course, I mean man
773
00:39:32,203 --> 00:39:34,497
I know where you're at
774
00:39:34,538 --> 00:39:36,999
But I promise you
that whatever goes down
775
00:39:37,041 --> 00:39:38,334
I'ma have your back
776
00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:39,794
Oh, my God.
777
00:39:39,835 --> 00:39:40,878
[together]
I'ma have your back
778
00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:41,962
This Christmas
779
00:39:42,004 --> 00:39:44,131
I'll be by your side
780
00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:46,550
I'ma have your back
this Christmas
781
00:39:46,592 --> 00:39:48,219
And for all your life
782
00:39:48,260 --> 00:39:50,054
Even if they try
to tell you
783
00:39:50,096 --> 00:39:52,556
Donald Trump
is still president
784
00:39:52,598 --> 00:39:54,141
And they do.
785
00:39:54,183 --> 00:39:56,185
And you pop off
and they kick you out
786
00:39:56,227 --> 00:39:58,145
[together]
I'ma have your back
787
00:39:58,187 --> 00:40:00,564
Ooh, girl, that makes me
feel so good
788
00:40:00,606 --> 00:40:02,608
You are my support system
789
00:40:02,650 --> 00:40:05,194
Please plan for me
to come to your house
790
00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:06,570
I hate my fucking family
791
00:40:06,612 --> 00:40:08,447
And I'm gonna fight
with them
792
00:40:08,489 --> 00:40:11,575
Hey, girl,
and, of course, I mean man
793
00:40:11,617 --> 00:40:13,119
Yeah, yeah
794
00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:14,954
Just remember
that you aren't
795
00:40:14,995 --> 00:40:17,832
- Necessarily...
-[together] Right or wrong
796
00:40:17,873 --> 00:40:19,500
There are always two sides
797
00:40:19,542 --> 00:40:21,794
And even though you're gay
798
00:40:21,836 --> 00:40:26,048
It doesn't mean
they're antagonizing
799
00:40:26,090 --> 00:40:28,551
Girl, I see
your perspective
800
00:40:28,592 --> 00:40:32,430
But if I don't like
one thing that my uncle says
801
00:40:32,471 --> 00:40:34,140
I'ma burn his house down
802
00:40:34,181 --> 00:40:36,308
And you will have my back,
here we go
803
00:40:36,350 --> 00:40:38,727
I'ma have your back
this Christmas
804
00:40:38,769 --> 00:40:40,813
I'll be by your side
805
00:40:40,855 --> 00:40:42,982
I'ma have your back
this Christmas
806
00:40:43,023 --> 00:40:44,900
And for all your life
807
00:40:44,942 --> 00:40:47,445
Even if I go
on a full-on rampage
808
00:40:47,486 --> 00:40:50,156
'Cause of a political
disagreement
809
00:40:50,197 --> 00:40:52,908
You will tell the police
I was at your house
810
00:40:52,950 --> 00:40:54,660
You will have my back
811
00:40:54,702 --> 00:40:57,163
[both] Girl, no
812
00:40:57,204 --> 00:40:59,290
We will not lie
to the police
813
00:40:59,331 --> 00:41:00,833
-What?
- I'm your friend
814
00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:02,501
But I won't go to jail
for you
815
00:41:02,543 --> 00:41:04,044
-[Josh] Not again, Mama.
-Some friends.
816
00:41:04,086 --> 00:41:06,338
- But, girl...
- But girl...
817
00:41:06,380 --> 00:41:07,715
And by girl I mean--
818
00:41:07,756 --> 00:41:09,341
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
819
00:41:09,383 --> 00:41:11,510
If there's a way
to get away with arson
820
00:41:11,552 --> 00:41:13,345
Then tell us
what we gotta do
821
00:41:13,387 --> 00:41:15,181
First you gotta wait
822
00:41:15,222 --> 00:41:16,515
-Till they're on...
-[together] Vacation
823
00:41:16,557 --> 00:41:18,350
Then you sneak
inside the house
824
00:41:18,392 --> 00:41:19,685
You get a pickle jar
825
00:41:19,727 --> 00:41:21,479
And some newspaper
laying around
826
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:23,022
- Mama, write this down
-Okay.
827
00:41:23,063 --> 00:41:24,690
The you gotta fill
the pickle jar with...
828
00:41:24,732 --> 00:41:26,192
[together] Water
829
00:41:26,233 --> 00:41:28,027
You surround it
with the newspaper
830
00:41:28,068 --> 00:41:30,196
You put it in a sunny room
831
00:41:30,237 --> 00:41:33,032
And say,
"Bitch, see you later"
832
00:41:33,073 --> 00:41:34,492
[together]
"I'ma have your back
833
00:41:34,533 --> 00:41:35,826
This Christmas
834
00:41:35,868 --> 00:41:37,369
I'll be by your side
835
00:41:37,411 --> 00:41:39,497
I'ma have your back
this Christmas
836
00:41:39,538 --> 00:41:41,373
And for all your life
837
00:41:41,415 --> 00:41:44,043
I will not go
to prison for you
838
00:41:44,084 --> 00:41:46,337
But I can help you
do your thing
839
00:41:46,378 --> 00:41:47,671
And burn
840
00:41:47,713 --> 00:41:48,797
- Burn
- Burn
841
00:41:48,839 --> 00:41:50,549
Down a house
842
00:41:50,591 --> 00:41:53,552
Ooh, girl
843
00:41:53,594 --> 00:41:56,222
We are men, we are men,
we are men, we are men
844
00:41:56,263 --> 00:41:59,725
I'ma have
845
00:41:59,767 --> 00:42:03,896
Your back
846
00:42:03,938 --> 00:42:04,897
We are
847
00:42:04,939 --> 00:42:06,398
Radical
848
00:42:06,440 --> 00:42:11,403
Ized
849
00:42:14,073 --> 00:42:16,909
Josh Sharp, Aaron Jackson,
everybody.
850
00:42:16,951 --> 00:42:18,577
[Josh] Thank you.
851
00:42:18,619 --> 00:42:19,870
I'm gonna steal this mic
and take it home.
852
00:42:19,912 --> 00:42:21,205
Be a dear and take those mics.
853
00:42:21,247 --> 00:42:22,873
-I'm gonna take this mic home.
-Merry Christmas.
854
00:42:22,915 --> 00:42:24,625
Henry Koperski
on that one, everybody.
855
00:42:27,586 --> 00:42:28,963
Whoo!
856
00:42:29,004 --> 00:42:33,133
Uh. You know what?
857
00:42:33,175 --> 00:42:36,220
With friends like that,
an audience like this,
858
00:42:36,262 --> 00:42:38,764
and a holiday like tonight,
859
00:42:38,806 --> 00:42:43,435
I just know that God
might be up to his tricks.
860
00:42:43,477 --> 00:42:48,023
upbeat music
861
00:42:48,065 --> 00:42:50,609
Tell me a story.
862
00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:53,779
There's a magic boy
and his name is God
863
00:42:53,821 --> 00:42:56,782
He sits up on a cloud
and gets down to his job
864
00:42:56,824 --> 00:42:58,909
He says,
"Okay, my children
865
00:42:58,951 --> 00:43:00,411
Who wants bliss?"
866
00:43:00,452 --> 00:43:02,454
Then he cracks
his big old knuckles
867
00:43:02,496 --> 00:43:04,456
And God gets up
to his tricks
868
00:43:04,498 --> 00:43:07,459
Let's make the wind blow
the snow around
869
00:43:07,501 --> 00:43:11,213
Deck the halls
870
00:43:11,255 --> 00:43:14,550
Let's fill the children's
ears with Christmas sound
871
00:43:14,592 --> 00:43:17,761
Because I am God
872
00:43:17,803 --> 00:43:21,640
I am real, I am real,
I am real, I am real
873
00:43:21,682 --> 00:43:24,643
And I'm feeling
some type of way
874
00:43:24,685 --> 00:43:28,022
Ooh, God, you got up
875
00:43:28,063 --> 00:43:31,442
To some fabulous
wah-wah-wah-wah
876
00:43:31,483 --> 00:43:35,195
Tricks today
877
00:43:35,237 --> 00:43:39,199
But did you know that God
can also be a bitch?
878
00:43:39,241 --> 00:43:42,328
He likes to bring a tragedy
at bad times
879
00:43:42,369 --> 00:43:44,413
And be like,
"You're gonna actually lose
880
00:43:44,455 --> 00:43:45,956
Your whole home"
881
00:43:45,998 --> 00:43:47,625
And then nothing
good happens
882
00:43:47,666 --> 00:43:50,002
You just lose your home,
he says
883
00:43:50,044 --> 00:43:52,796
Let's send a phone call
with weird news
884
00:43:52,838 --> 00:43:55,090
About your mom's health
885
00:43:55,132 --> 00:43:56,759
Shoot.
886
00:43:56,800 --> 00:43:59,261
Let's kill the family dog
so suddenly
887
00:43:59,303 --> 00:44:03,015
Because life is suffering
888
00:44:03,057 --> 00:44:06,977
I am real, I am real,
I am real, I am real
889
00:44:07,019 --> 00:44:10,147
And I'm feeling
my oats today
890
00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:13,859
Ooh, God, you got up
891
00:44:13,901 --> 00:44:17,321
To some nasty little
freaky, daddy, ooh!
892
00:44:17,363 --> 00:44:19,782
Tricks today
893
00:44:19,823 --> 00:44:21,700
Here we go.
894
00:44:21,742 --> 00:44:25,371
Sometimes God can send
a plentiful blessing
895
00:44:25,412 --> 00:44:28,707
God can make us say,
"Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"
896
00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:32,252
Sometimes God can try
to fuck up your whole life
897
00:44:32,294 --> 00:44:33,712
God can make us say...
898
00:44:33,754 --> 00:44:35,673
"Well, I don't fucking know
at this point."
899
00:44:35,714 --> 00:44:37,383
But we are grateful
900
00:44:37,424 --> 00:44:43,389
For everything
he does equally
901
00:44:43,430 --> 00:44:46,433
I am a person
who actually believes this
902
00:44:46,475 --> 00:44:48,185
And in every election
903
00:44:48,227 --> 00:44:50,270
I reliably vote
904
00:44:50,312 --> 00:44:51,814
Let's sing the sing songs
905
00:44:51,855 --> 00:44:53,565
And dance the dance
906
00:44:53,607 --> 00:44:57,236
But stop to pray
907
00:44:57,277 --> 00:44:59,363
Say thanks for water
and thank you
908
00:44:59,405 --> 00:45:00,864
For that thing
where you get
909
00:45:00,906 --> 00:45:03,242
Sudden intense rectal pain
910
00:45:03,283 --> 00:45:07,413
He is real, he is real,
he is real, he is real
911
00:45:07,454 --> 00:45:10,416
And he's feeling
some type of way
912
00:45:10,457 --> 00:45:14,002
Ooh, God, you got up
913
00:45:14,044 --> 00:45:17,214
To some incredible
914
00:45:17,256 --> 00:45:20,759
Tricks today
915
00:45:20,801 --> 00:45:22,720
Ooh, God, you stupid bitch.
916
00:45:22,761 --> 00:45:24,847
You got up to
some tricks
917
00:45:24,888 --> 00:45:28,809
Today
918
00:45:35,649 --> 00:45:37,317
I just want to apologize
about earlier
919
00:45:37,359 --> 00:45:39,611
and thank you all
for the hard work that you do.
920
00:45:39,653 --> 00:45:41,155
But, since we last spoke
921
00:45:41,196 --> 00:45:43,198
and I had
my major press appearance,
922
00:45:43,240 --> 00:45:45,576
I have turned to prayer.
923
00:45:45,617 --> 00:45:46,869
And I don't know if it's
924
00:45:46,910 --> 00:45:49,079
all the Christmas
in my life lately,
925
00:45:49,121 --> 00:45:52,916
but I did just have a very
real conversation with God.
926
00:45:52,958 --> 00:45:55,294
And what he said to me--
and it is a he--
927
00:45:55,335 --> 00:45:56,962
so I'm so sorry about that.
928
00:45:57,004 --> 00:45:58,338
But he basically said to me--
929
00:45:58,380 --> 00:45:59,423
It's a hard no from Mariah.
930
00:45:59,465 --> 00:46:00,632
[glass shatters]
931
00:46:01,842 --> 00:46:04,136
Uh, how hard is hard?
932
00:46:04,178 --> 00:46:05,971
Rock. Rock hard.
933
00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:08,474
Like, imagine you saw
Orlando Bloom at the gym,
934
00:46:08,515 --> 00:46:11,101
which I did two weeks ago.
I had to leave the gym.
935
00:46:11,143 --> 00:46:12,936
-[chuckles]
-Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.
936
00:46:12,978 --> 00:46:14,396
I'm just--I'm processing.
937
00:46:14,438 --> 00:46:17,149
Um, so this whole thing
is moot?
938
00:46:17,191 --> 00:46:18,484
-It's void, it's...
-It's moot.
939
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:22,237
[toilet flushes]
940
00:46:22,279 --> 00:46:25,491
Gah! Ugh.
941
00:46:27,367 --> 00:46:30,662
Oh. I'm so sorry
to disturb you.
942
00:46:31,705 --> 00:46:33,499
Hi.
943
00:46:33,540 --> 00:46:34,833
I'm Bowen Yang.
[chuckles]
944
00:46:36,168 --> 00:46:37,669
Bowen, I know.
945
00:46:37,711 --> 00:46:38,837
It's me, Matt.
946
00:46:38,879 --> 00:46:42,132
Your best friend.
And we do a podcast.
947
00:46:42,174 --> 00:46:43,550
Oh, I'm so sorry.
[chuckles]
948
00:46:43,592 --> 00:46:45,719
I can't see a thing
without these glasses on.
949
00:46:45,761 --> 00:46:47,596
Blind as a bat without them.
950
00:46:47,638 --> 00:46:50,182
Little known fact about me,
Bowen Yang--
951
00:46:50,224 --> 00:46:52,267
without these
I can't see at all.
952
00:46:52,309 --> 00:46:54,812
Well, you should really wear
your glasses, then.
953
00:46:54,853 --> 00:46:56,355
I'm hiding from my team.
954
00:46:56,396 --> 00:46:58,482
Got a six-hour meeting
to go over
955
00:46:58,524 --> 00:47:01,735
all my opportunities
in film and television.
956
00:47:01,777 --> 00:47:04,530
They even want me to do
a Christmas album.
957
00:47:04,571 --> 00:47:06,949
-[chuckles]
-[runs water]
958
00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:09,451
Wait, what?
959
00:47:09,493 --> 00:47:11,495
They want you to do
a Christmas album?
960
00:47:11,537 --> 00:47:13,789
Like, I know, right?
Who do they think I am?
961
00:47:13,831 --> 00:47:16,792
Some craven,
money-hungry fame whore
962
00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:19,044
who wants attention
year after year,
963
00:47:19,086 --> 00:47:23,048
benefiting from the Christian
industrial complex? No.
964
00:47:23,090 --> 00:47:24,508
But I'll probably still do it.
965
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:29,054
Because I do know
the true meaning of Christmas.
966
00:47:32,057 --> 00:47:33,809
Well, what is it?
967
00:47:33,851 --> 00:47:36,019
soft music plays ]
968
00:47:36,061 --> 00:47:37,855
Family.
969
00:47:37,896 --> 00:47:39,982
It's family, Matt.
970
00:47:40,023 --> 00:47:43,861
971
00:47:43,902 --> 00:47:45,445
[door closes]
972
00:47:45,487 --> 00:47:48,365
pensive piano music
973
00:47:48,407 --> 00:47:50,701
974
00:47:50,742 --> 00:47:52,077
[whispering] Family.
975
00:47:55,789 --> 00:47:58,333
So I have one more song.
976
00:47:58,375 --> 00:47:59,501
-Aw...
-No!
977
00:47:59,543 --> 00:48:01,587
I need to go.
978
00:48:03,964 --> 00:48:07,593
Before I do get into it...
979
00:48:07,634 --> 00:48:11,930
I just wanted to say thank you
to, um, a few people.
980
00:48:11,972 --> 00:48:14,683
First, I would like to say
thank you to all of you
981
00:48:14,725 --> 00:48:16,894
for being here.
982
00:48:16,935 --> 00:48:18,687
That means a lot to me,
so thanks.
983
00:48:18,729 --> 00:48:22,441
I want to say thanks
to Joe's Pub.
984
00:48:22,482 --> 00:48:25,402
It used to be my dream
985
00:48:25,444 --> 00:48:27,905
to just,
like, see a show here.
986
00:48:27,946 --> 00:48:31,366
And then to do my own is cool.
987
00:48:48,258 --> 00:48:50,510
I have to say thank you
to Henry Koperski
988
00:48:50,552 --> 00:48:53,847
because
I'm just very lucky
989
00:48:53,889 --> 00:48:56,391
to be able to work with someone
as brilliant as you,
990
00:48:56,433 --> 00:48:59,603
and we've just come a long way,
so it's nice to have you here.
991
00:48:59,645 --> 00:49:02,147
And I couldn't have done it
without you.
992
00:49:07,903 --> 00:49:12,074
And this last one is, um...
[sniffles]
993
00:49:12,115 --> 00:49:16,203
it's just less of a thank you
and more of a reminder
994
00:49:16,244 --> 00:49:19,706
to not take anybody for granted
995
00:49:19,748 --> 00:49:22,918
because...[sniffles]
there's two people
996
00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:25,754
that are not here tonight
997
00:49:25,796 --> 00:49:28,674
because
they're just not around.
998
00:49:28,715 --> 00:49:30,592
Oh, they are here? Okay.
999
00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:34,680
[sighs] It's my parents.
And they're here, yeah.
1000
00:49:38,308 --> 00:49:40,852
I did tell you to text
if you were gonna come.
1001
00:49:43,021 --> 00:49:45,023
Do the one
about them being alive.
1002
00:49:47,359 --> 00:49:49,903
They have given me so much.
1003
00:49:49,945 --> 00:49:53,448
And I thought the way
that I could truly repay you
1004
00:49:53,490 --> 00:49:56,243
was by using my talent
to give you something.
1005
00:49:56,284 --> 00:49:59,663
So this is a song
that I wrote just for you.
1006
00:50:03,125 --> 00:50:06,920
How did I get this lucky?
1007
00:50:06,962 --> 00:50:08,463
How did I get
1008
00:50:08,505 --> 00:50:13,135
The best parents
in the world?
1009
00:50:13,176 --> 00:50:17,723
1010
00:50:17,764 --> 00:50:19,725
My sister and me
1011
00:50:22,686 --> 00:50:24,771
We were drawn out
the lottery
1012
00:50:24,813 --> 00:50:29,860
Bet your bottom dollar,
yeah, yeah
1013
00:50:29,901 --> 00:50:33,363
Mm mm
1014
00:50:33,405 --> 00:50:37,409
And you still love her
1015
00:50:37,451 --> 00:50:41,413
And you still love me
1016
00:50:41,455 --> 00:50:45,250
And you still make it rain
1017
00:50:45,292 --> 00:50:50,088
On Christmas
1018
00:50:50,130 --> 00:50:54,843
You always have
1019
00:50:54,885 --> 00:50:58,513
A check for me
1020
00:50:58,555 --> 00:51:02,100
You still make it rain
1021
00:51:02,142 --> 00:51:06,438
On Christmas
1022
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:09,733
Rainin'
1023
00:51:09,775 --> 00:51:14,446
All over your gay son
1024
00:51:14,488 --> 00:51:17,282
Every year
1025
00:51:17,324 --> 00:51:21,787
You take me vacation
1026
00:51:21,828 --> 00:51:24,164
I love you
1027
00:51:24,206 --> 00:51:28,752
Don't ever get poor
1028
00:51:28,794 --> 00:51:32,130
I need $60
1029
00:51:32,172 --> 00:51:33,465
[chuckles]
1030
00:51:33,507 --> 00:51:35,801
It's for my Verizon bill
1031
00:51:35,842 --> 00:51:37,177
'Cause you're here
1032
00:51:37,219 --> 00:51:38,929
I thought I
would just say...
1033
00:51:38,970 --> 00:51:41,223
[laughs]
1034
00:51:41,264 --> 00:51:44,726
Otherwise you can save up
for my birthday
1035
00:51:44,768 --> 00:51:48,438
'Cause I need a coat
1036
00:51:48,480 --> 00:51:52,651
I would like a coat
1037
00:51:52,692 --> 00:51:55,821
You still make it rain
1038
00:51:55,862 --> 00:51:59,825
On Christmas
1039
00:51:59,866 --> 00:52:03,495
You always
1040
00:52:03,537 --> 00:52:07,833
Cut that fat fucking check
for me
1041
00:52:07,874 --> 00:52:11,169
You still make it rain
1042
00:52:11,211 --> 00:52:15,841
On Christmas
1043
00:52:15,882 --> 00:52:18,677
Rainin'
1044
00:52:18,718 --> 00:52:23,181
All over your gay son
1045
00:52:23,223 --> 00:52:26,351
Do you remember the year
1046
00:52:26,393 --> 00:52:29,813
You got me
a PlayStation 2?
1047
00:52:29,855 --> 00:52:31,356
When it has just come out.
1048
00:52:31,398 --> 00:52:33,150
I love you
1049
00:52:33,191 --> 00:52:38,363
Don't ever get poor
1050
00:52:38,405 --> 00:52:42,450
But, seriously, I love you
1051
00:52:42,492 --> 00:52:45,537
And I would be nothing
without you
1052
00:52:45,579 --> 00:52:49,791
And if I'm any good
at being me
1053
00:52:49,833 --> 00:52:52,711
It's 'cause all my life
I could see
1054
00:52:52,752 --> 00:52:56,173
Two people
1055
00:52:56,214 --> 00:53:00,010
Who knew how to save
1056
00:53:00,051 --> 00:53:04,639
And thank God you did
1057
00:53:04,681 --> 00:53:07,642
Because I think I need you
to pay for
1058
00:53:07,684 --> 00:53:11,730
My therapist
1059
00:53:11,771 --> 00:53:14,983
You still make it rain
1060
00:53:15,025 --> 00:53:18,778
On Christmas
1061
00:53:18,820 --> 00:53:22,741
You always cut
1062
00:53:22,782 --> 00:53:26,411
That fat fucking check
for me
1063
00:53:26,453 --> 00:53:28,747
You still make it rain
1064
00:53:28,788 --> 00:53:33,585
On Christmas
1065
00:53:33,627 --> 00:53:36,296
Rainin'
1066
00:53:36,338 --> 00:53:40,634
All over your only gay son
1067
00:53:40,675 --> 00:53:44,304
And every year you take me
1068
00:53:44,346 --> 00:53:47,307
On a sick Orlando vacation
1069
00:53:47,349 --> 00:53:49,768
Oh, I love you
1070
00:53:49,809 --> 00:53:55,106
Don't ever get poor
1071
00:53:55,148 --> 00:53:57,025
I love you
1072
00:53:57,067 --> 00:54:02,864
Please do your best
to never become poor
1073
00:54:02,906 --> 00:54:05,116
I love you
1074
00:54:05,158 --> 00:54:08,245
Don't ever get
1075
00:54:08,286 --> 00:54:13,250
Po-oo
1076
00:54:13,291 --> 00:54:17,796
Ooooor
1077
00:54:17,837 --> 00:54:22,968
[cheers and applause]
1078
00:54:23,009 --> 00:54:25,971
upbeat piano
1079
00:54:26,012 --> 00:54:31,309
1080
00:55:09,723 --> 00:55:13,018
[piano music continues]
1081
00:55:13,059 --> 00:55:18,023
1082
00:55:37,709 --> 00:55:40,503
cheerful, jaunty music
1083
00:55:40,545 --> 00:55:45,425
1084
00:56:55,203 --> 00:56:59,457
-[electricity crackling]
-[flies buzzing]
129147
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