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1
00:00:05,146 --> 00:00:06,481
Oh, good, you're home.
2
00:00:06,482 --> 00:00:07,650
In Hippo Cheese Candy Mouse,
3
00:00:07,651 --> 00:00:09,186
how many moves before I get to flip
4
00:00:09,187 --> 00:00:10,757
the army man into the bathtub?
5
00:00:10,758 --> 00:00:11,993
Two hippo chomps,
6
00:00:11,994 --> 00:00:13,697
and one slide down Candy Cane Lane.
7
00:00:13,698 --> 00:00:15,033
Yahtz-cheese! I win.
8
00:00:15,034 --> 00:00:16,736
Could've solved this an hour ago.
9
00:00:16,737 --> 00:00:18,106
What took you so long to get home?
10
00:00:18,107 --> 00:00:19,242
Ah, I stopped to watch the neighbor kids
11
00:00:19,243 --> 00:00:20,845
doing backflips off their porch.
12
00:00:20,846 --> 00:00:21,914
You should've seen it.
13
00:00:21,915 --> 00:00:23,051
They were all wearing helmets.
14
00:00:23,052 --> 00:00:24,286
(groans) Wussies.
15
00:00:24,287 --> 00:00:25,723
We're raising our kids to be chickens.
16
00:00:25,724 --> 00:00:28,195
Seat belts, vitamins, pool fences?
17
00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:30,066
I almost got up on that porch,
showed them how to do it.
18
00:00:30,067 --> 00:00:32,003
Like you could still do a backflip.
19
00:00:32,004 --> 00:00:34,542
- What are you saying?
- I'm saying I dare you to try it.
20
00:00:34,543 --> 00:00:36,915
(Virginia and Jimmy repeating
"No!" over and over)
21
00:00:38,618 --> 00:00:40,888
JIMMY: What Sabrina didn't
know was that my dad hadn't
22
00:00:40,889 --> 00:00:42,960
turned down a dare in 25 years.
23
00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,299
You know what?
24
00:00:45,300 --> 00:00:47,203
Let's just kiss here and go back down.
25
00:00:47,204 --> 00:00:48,773
What are you talking about?
26
00:00:48,774 --> 00:00:50,142
We need to kiss on the
top of the radio antenna
27
00:00:50,143 --> 00:00:51,645
before Gavin and Cindy!
28
00:00:51,646 --> 00:00:53,082
Yeah, I don't know.
29
00:00:53,083 --> 00:00:54,151
I just feel weird.
30
00:00:54,152 --> 00:00:55,554
If we fall, it's not gonna be
31
00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:56,656
like the cartoons.
32
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:57,959
I mean, sure we may flatten out
33
00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,930
or make a hole in the shape of our bodies,
34
00:00:59,931 --> 00:01:01,299
but we're not gonna survive it.
35
00:01:01,300 --> 00:01:03,070
Are you scared?
36
00:01:03,071 --> 00:01:05,342
No, I just think that
we should go back down
37
00:01:05,343 --> 00:01:07,146
to the ground instead
of being unresponsible.
38
00:01:07,147 --> 00:01:10,786
Hey, everybody, Chance is wussing out!
39
00:01:10,787 --> 00:01:12,858
Scaredy-pants Chance!
40
00:01:12,859 --> 00:01:14,996
Thanks, Burt. Now Cindy
Holbrook is gonna be
41
00:01:14,997 --> 00:01:18,003
the first pregnant teen to kiss
on top of the radio antenna.
42
00:01:18,004 --> 00:01:19,706
TEENAGERS (chanting): Scaredy-pants Chance!
43
00:01:19,707 --> 00:01:21,310
From that day on,
44
00:01:21,311 --> 00:01:23,715
my dad's been trying
to save his reputation.
45
00:01:23,716 --> 00:01:26,054
And that's why he's
never turned down a dare.
46
00:01:28,126 --> 00:01:30,897
Why in the world would you try to launch
47
00:01:30,898 --> 00:01:32,868
a bottle rocket from your butt?
48
00:01:32,869 --> 00:01:35,240
Where else am I gonna put it... my mouth?
49
00:01:35,241 --> 00:01:36,977
That's just stupid.
50
00:01:36,978 --> 00:01:38,180
(groans)
51
00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,585
Okay, what did you guys dare him to do?
52
00:01:40,586 --> 00:01:42,121
(Burt grunting, kids exclaiming)
53
00:01:42,122 --> 00:01:43,892
(groaning)
54
00:01:43,893 --> 00:01:45,829
Mary Poppins was a liar!
55
00:01:45,830 --> 00:01:47,767
That's why we try not to let
people dare my dad anymore.
56
00:01:47,768 --> 00:01:51,075
JIMMY/VIRGINIA/SABRINA: No, no! Oh!
57
00:01:51,076 --> 00:01:52,644
(labored): Stuck it.
58
00:01:52,645 --> 00:01:54,082
(moans)
59
00:01:55,184 --> 00:01:57,154
Whoo!
60
00:01:57,155 --> 00:01:58,691
Here we go
Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com
61
00:01:58,692 --> 00:02:01,831
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com
62
00:02:01,832 --> 00:02:03,969
(moaning)
63
00:02:03,970 --> 00:02:06,742
(sighs) Burt, I'm really sorry.
Let me help you up.
64
00:02:06,743 --> 00:02:08,145
No. Don't help him.
65
00:02:08,146 --> 00:02:10,651
He needs to learn to not do this anymore.
66
00:02:10,652 --> 00:02:12,253
Never. I'll never stop.
67
00:02:12,254 --> 00:02:14,325
Why don't you guys just...
dare him to stop?
68
00:02:14,326 --> 00:02:15,928
Apparently it's against the rules.
69
00:02:15,929 --> 00:02:17,932
It's like wishing for more wishes.
70
00:02:17,933 --> 00:02:19,803
Well, as much as I would love to
stay and discuss the fine print
71
00:02:19,804 --> 00:02:22,810
of my father's crazy dare
addiction, we got to go home.
72
00:02:22,811 --> 00:02:25,716
Yeah, we, uh... we promised the
sitter we'd be back, so...
73
00:02:25,717 --> 00:02:26,952
I don't know why you two
74
00:02:26,953 --> 00:02:28,723
are spending so much money on sitters.
75
00:02:28,724 --> 00:02:31,195
You got two perfectly
responsible adults right here.
76
00:02:31,196 --> 00:02:33,032
Who's safer than her grandparents?
77
00:02:33,033 --> 00:02:35,337
Well, it's just that
sometimes you guys are busy
78
00:02:35,338 --> 00:02:36,840
or injured.
79
00:02:36,841 --> 00:02:38,210
And Ashley's really great.
80
00:02:38,211 --> 00:02:40,982
And Hope likes spending
time with her, so...
81
00:02:40,983 --> 00:02:42,453
It's probably 'cause she
lets her eat junk food
82
00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:44,056
and watch cartoons all day.
83
00:02:44,057 --> 00:02:46,294
No. That's what Hope likes
to do with you guys.
84
00:02:46,295 --> 00:02:48,933
Oh, that kid does like her
chocolate cake in a cone
85
00:02:48,934 --> 00:02:51,105
with sugar on top while
she watches South Park.
86
00:02:51,106 --> 00:02:54,077
Don't worry. We watch it
on the Spanish channel.
87
00:02:54,078 --> 00:02:55,814
She can't understand a thing.
88
00:02:55,815 --> 00:02:57,318
It's like Dora the Explorer
89
00:02:57,319 --> 00:02:59,021
if she had a friend who was
a flying Christmas poo.
90
00:02:59,022 --> 00:03:00,325
Yeah, Ashley reads to her,
91
00:03:00,326 --> 00:03:02,729
and they play arts and crafts and games.
92
00:03:02,730 --> 00:03:05,135
And, plus, when we come home,
the house is just... spotless.
93
00:03:05,136 --> 00:03:06,705
She's perfect.
94
00:03:06,706 --> 00:03:07,874
Nobody's that perfect.
95
00:03:07,875 --> 00:03:09,745
Especially teenagers.
96
00:03:09,746 --> 00:03:11,482
I used to babysit,
97
00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:14,488
and I had all kinds of parties
when the parents would leave.
98
00:03:14,489 --> 00:03:16,025
Fortunately, I was able
99
00:03:16,026 --> 00:03:18,029
to parlay that into a successful career.
100
00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:20,034
That's how she got so
good at cleaning houses.
101
00:03:20,035 --> 00:03:21,370
Ashley doesn't do any of that.
102
00:03:21,371 --> 00:03:23,408
Well, all I'm saying is,
you guys have no idea
103
00:03:23,409 --> 00:03:25,479
what she's up to whenever
you're not looking.
104
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:27,082
(horn honks)
105
00:03:27,083 --> 00:03:29,154
(soft whirring)
106
00:03:36,471 --> 00:03:38,808
Thanks for everything, Hubert.
107
00:03:38,809 --> 00:03:42,382
Oh. The buffet was wonderful.
108
00:03:42,383 --> 00:03:43,919
Call me.
109
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:45,422
No, I-I'll call you.
110
00:03:45,423 --> 00:03:47,193
Oh.
111
00:03:47,194 --> 00:03:49,231
VIRGINIA: Where were you?
112
00:03:49,232 --> 00:03:51,168
(horn honks twice) I thought
you were taking a nap.
113
00:03:51,169 --> 00:03:52,805
Hubert took me to dinner.
114
00:03:52,806 --> 00:03:53,907
It's 4:00.
115
00:03:53,908 --> 00:03:55,277
We got a late start.
116
00:03:55,278 --> 00:03:56,346
Did you get a boyfriend, Maw Maw?
117
00:03:56,347 --> 00:03:57,782
It's none of your beeswax
118
00:03:57,783 --> 00:03:59,219
who I spend my time with.
119
00:03:59,220 --> 00:04:00,822
I just don't think I like
you being with someone
120
00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:02,492
that we've never met before.
121
00:04:02,493 --> 00:04:04,531
I mean, we don't even know what
his children do for a living.
122
00:04:04,532 --> 00:04:06,334
- Or if they are living.
- You know what,
123
00:04:06,335 --> 00:04:08,171
I think it's very cute you
found somebody your own age
124
00:04:08,172 --> 00:04:09,441
to spend your time with.
125
00:04:09,442 --> 00:04:11,044
Aren't too many of those left.
126
00:04:11,045 --> 00:04:12,882
It's nothing serious.
127
00:04:12,883 --> 00:04:16,156
I'm gonna go write this down in
my diary before I forget it.
128
00:04:21,100 --> 00:04:24,473
Damn it. Where the hell was I going?
129
00:04:24,474 --> 00:04:26,210
Going to write in your diary.
130
00:04:26,211 --> 00:04:27,915
Stay out of my business!
131
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,455
Hope was easy as always.
132
00:04:31,456 --> 00:04:33,059
Took her nap without saying a word.
133
00:04:33,060 --> 00:04:35,064
All right. Thank you so much, Ashley.
134
00:04:35,065 --> 00:04:37,034
We'll see you tomorrow night.
135
00:04:37,035 --> 00:04:39,073
Sabrina, get in here.
136
00:04:41,111 --> 00:04:43,214
What?
137
00:04:43,215 --> 00:04:45,386
I found these empty rolls of
toilet paper in the bathroom.
138
00:04:45,387 --> 00:04:46,922
And there's no ice
139
00:04:46,923 --> 00:04:48,592
in the freezer.
140
00:04:48,593 --> 00:04:51,599
I think my mom might be right.
Ashley had people over.
141
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:53,938
We don't know that. I'm sure
there's an explanation.
142
00:04:53,939 --> 00:04:56,910
Oh, yeah. The explanation
is that she had a party.
143
00:04:56,911 --> 00:04:58,514
Where a lot of people peed.
144
00:04:58,515 --> 00:05:00,919
And that's not all.
145
00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,258
Look at this. Couch blanket's on the chair,
146
00:05:03,259 --> 00:05:04,962
chair blanket is on the couch.
147
00:05:04,963 --> 00:05:06,866
What's she doing under
the blankets, Sabrina?
148
00:05:06,867 --> 00:05:10,005
She's having the sex while
our daughter watches.
149
00:05:10,006 --> 00:05:12,577
Jimmy, I don't even think
teenagers do it under blankets.
150
00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:15,284
I mean, that comes way later in
life when you're super ashamed.
151
00:05:15,285 --> 00:05:17,256
The garage.
152
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,230
Jimmy, you're overreacting.
153
00:05:21,231 --> 00:05:24,036
The moving around of blankets
does not an orgy make.
154
00:05:24,037 --> 00:05:25,473
Don't try and quote
Shakespeare to confuse me.
155
00:05:25,474 --> 00:05:27,142
You know what, while you're
going through there,
156
00:05:27,143 --> 00:05:28,512
I just feel like I should mention
157
00:05:28,513 --> 00:05:30,316
I can't find that "Number
One Wife" sweatshirt
158
00:05:30,317 --> 00:05:31,351
you got me.
159
00:05:31,352 --> 00:05:32,888
And on the outside chance
160
00:05:32,889 --> 00:05:34,392
that Hope might have put it in there...
161
00:05:34,393 --> 00:05:35,996
Look what I found.
162
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:43,277
Oh. Sticky and sweet like
a strawberry daiquiri.
163
00:05:43,278 --> 00:05:45,549
Now, the only people that drink
those are in high school
164
00:05:45,550 --> 00:05:47,186
or on cruise ships.
165
00:05:47,187 --> 00:05:49,291
Jimmy, my first drink was
a strawberry daiquiri.
166
00:05:50,228 --> 00:05:51,362
I think you might be right.
167
00:05:51,363 --> 00:05:52,966
Guess I'm "smarter than the average bear."
168
00:05:52,967 --> 00:05:54,435
That's right.
169
00:05:54,436 --> 00:05:56,072
You're not the only one
that can quote Shakespeare.
170
00:05:56,073 --> 00:05:57,977
VIRGINIA: Ew.
171
00:05:57,978 --> 00:06:01,384
Burt... (sniffs) I think the
skunks are in the house again.
172
00:06:01,385 --> 00:06:04,290
You know what, at this point,
I think they want it more
173
00:06:04,291 --> 00:06:05,693
than we do. Just let them have it.
174
00:06:05,694 --> 00:06:07,364
(groans) You can't even get out of bed
175
00:06:07,365 --> 00:06:09,268
'cause of all those stupid dares.
176
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:11,173
(groans) Ow.
177
00:06:12,910 --> 00:06:15,048
(sniffing)
178
00:06:24,067 --> 00:06:26,003
Maw Maw...
179
00:06:26,004 --> 00:06:28,609
(groans) I think there's a
skunk in there with you.
180
00:06:28,610 --> 00:06:31,048
(Maw Maw and Hubert laughing, snorting)
181
00:06:31,049 --> 00:06:34,356
Maw Maw, who's in there with you?
182
00:06:35,225 --> 00:06:36,961
Hey, chill.
183
00:06:36,962 --> 00:06:40,201
I'm just hanging with a friend.
184
00:06:40,202 --> 00:06:42,373
And if ten pizzas show up,
185
00:06:42,374 --> 00:06:44,211
(whispers): they're for me.
186
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:46,682
(beeping)
187
00:06:46,683 --> 00:06:49,421
This little robot thing won't stop beeping.
188
00:06:49,422 --> 00:06:50,992
(chuckles)
189
00:06:50,993 --> 00:06:52,595
That's a smoke detector.
190
00:06:52,596 --> 00:06:55,535
Oh, cool. I'm looking for some smokes.
191
00:06:56,638 --> 00:06:58,040
Smokey!
192
00:06:58,041 --> 00:06:59,376
(beeping continues) Here, Smokey.
193
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:00,979
Smokey.
194
00:07:00,980 --> 00:07:04,521
- Smokey. Come on, boy.
- (coughs) God.
195
00:07:06,030 --> 00:07:08,234
Maw Maw, what are you thinking?
196
00:07:08,235 --> 00:07:12,577
I'm thinking it's my house,
and I can do anything I want.
197
00:07:12,578 --> 00:07:15,016
Oh, I don't want to hear
this "my house" stuff.
198
00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:16,653
You're getting high!
199
00:07:16,654 --> 00:07:18,088
We weren't getting high!
200
00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:21,230
I am so freaking high.
201
00:07:22,199 --> 00:07:23,835
Hang in my room, Hubert.
202
00:07:23,836 --> 00:07:26,942
This one's full of buzz kills and narcs.
203
00:07:26,943 --> 00:07:28,779
Comprende, mamacita.
204
00:07:28,780 --> 00:07:30,850
Burt, I think it would be best
if you got that guy dressed
205
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,855
and out of our house.
206
00:07:32,856 --> 00:07:35,125
That guy has a name.
207
00:07:35,126 --> 00:07:37,698
I just can't remember what it is right now.
208
00:07:37,699 --> 00:07:39,168
Neither can I. (chuckles)
209
00:07:39,169 --> 00:07:41,239
Hey, how's the back? (Burt groans)
210
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:42,542
Maw Maw,
211
00:07:42,543 --> 00:07:43,945
you're not thinking straight.
212
00:07:43,946 --> 00:07:45,515
You can't smoke pot here.
213
00:07:45,516 --> 00:07:46,885
What if Hope visits?
214
00:07:46,886 --> 00:07:49,123
She eats crap all day and watches cartoons.
215
00:07:49,124 --> 00:07:51,528
It's like hanging out with a stoner anyway.
216
00:07:51,529 --> 00:07:53,599
I can't get those. Sciatica.
217
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,071
(bones cracking) (moans)
Well, I can't either.
218
00:07:56,072 --> 00:07:57,942
Backflip off the hot tub.
219
00:07:57,943 --> 00:07:59,812
Sounds like we're in a pickle.
220
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:03,153
Dude, how good would a pickle be right now?
221
00:08:03,154 --> 00:08:04,924
(chuckles) Ooh.
222
00:08:04,925 --> 00:08:06,995
You cannot be doing illegal drugs.
223
00:08:06,996 --> 00:08:08,231
They're not illegal.
224
00:08:08,232 --> 00:08:10,870
Hubert has a pot card for back pain.
225
00:08:10,871 --> 00:08:12,607
Did he ever consider maybe his back hurts
226
00:08:12,608 --> 00:08:14,611
from carrying around a giant bong?
227
00:08:14,612 --> 00:08:16,181
Quit hassling me, Nixon.
228
00:08:16,182 --> 00:08:18,186
Marijuana is a gateway drug.
229
00:08:18,187 --> 00:08:20,658
It leads to harder things.
230
00:08:20,659 --> 00:08:24,833
Hubert has a little blue pill
that leads to harder things.
231
00:08:24,834 --> 00:08:25,836
He's a loser.
232
00:08:25,837 --> 00:08:27,138
We're in love!
233
00:08:27,139 --> 00:08:29,142
Oh, give me a break. You're not in love.
234
00:08:29,143 --> 00:08:30,713
We are, too! Look.
235
00:08:30,714 --> 00:08:33,754
He gave me this bracelet.
236
00:08:34,656 --> 00:08:37,127
I'm telling you, Burt,
237
00:08:37,128 --> 00:08:41,670
if you play it backwards, it
clearly says, "Paul is dead."
238
00:08:41,671 --> 00:08:43,607
Then they replaced him with a robot,
239
00:08:43,608 --> 00:08:46,168
and that's why he's pretty much
the only one that's still alive.
240
00:08:47,082 --> 00:08:49,153
So much makes sense in this room.
241
00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:50,322
Yeah.
242
00:08:50,323 --> 00:08:51,157
Hubert and I are gonna be together
243
00:08:51,158 --> 00:08:52,694
till the day we die.
244
00:08:52,695 --> 00:08:55,133
- I want you to stop seeing him.
- Whatever.
245
00:08:55,134 --> 00:08:56,970
Hey. Don't you "whatever" me, old lady.
246
00:08:56,971 --> 00:08:58,774
As long as you're living under my care,
247
00:08:58,775 --> 00:09:01,647
you're gonna follow my rules.
248
00:09:02,382 --> 00:09:03,685
Whatever.
249
00:09:03,686 --> 00:09:05,622
Don't "whatever" me, young lady.
250
00:09:05,623 --> 00:09:08,061
As long as you're under my
care, you'll follow my rules!
251
00:09:08,062 --> 00:09:09,364
We didn't even go all the way!
252
00:09:09,365 --> 00:09:11,668
You didn't get that from a toilet seat!
253
00:09:11,669 --> 00:09:13,740
I was talking about the antenna tower.
254
00:09:13,741 --> 00:09:15,977
I don't want to hear what
you call his doodle noodle.
255
00:09:15,978 --> 00:09:17,815
You're so lame!
256
00:09:17,816 --> 00:09:19,853
You're so lame.
257
00:09:19,854 --> 00:09:21,857
Oh, my God.
258
00:09:21,858 --> 00:09:23,929
I am.
259
00:09:23,930 --> 00:09:26,300
Did you know Jerry Garcia was a
musician before he got into ice cream?
260
00:09:26,301 --> 00:09:28,271
See you later, hot stuff.
261
00:09:28,272 --> 00:09:30,710
Ooh...
262
00:09:30,711 --> 00:09:32,915
(both moaning)
263
00:09:34,919 --> 00:09:37,058
(Virginia clearing throat)
264
00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:40,898
I don't think they're taking the hint.
265
00:09:40,899 --> 00:09:42,703
I'm not trying to give a hint.
That's the sound I make
266
00:09:42,704 --> 00:09:45,343
when I'm trying to keep my vomit down.
(clears throat)
267
00:09:50,454 --> 00:09:52,323
(sighs)
268
00:09:52,324 --> 00:09:53,292
What's wrong?
269
00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:54,829
I think she's right.
270
00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:56,866
I am lame.
271
00:09:56,867 --> 00:09:58,939
What are you talking about?
272
00:09:59,841 --> 00:10:02,178
I'm the uncool parent.
273
00:10:02,179 --> 00:10:03,381
I'm the stick in the mud.
274
00:10:03,382 --> 00:10:05,886
I have become lame.
275
00:10:05,887 --> 00:10:07,790
No, you haven't.
276
00:10:07,791 --> 00:10:10,429
Face it, Burt. A wild
Saturday night for us now
277
00:10:10,430 --> 00:10:14,805
is rum raisin ice cream
and startling raccoons.
278
00:10:14,806 --> 00:10:17,010
When was the last time you
did something illegal?
279
00:10:17,011 --> 00:10:19,416
At a fast food restaurant,
I asked for a water cup
280
00:10:19,417 --> 00:10:21,920
and I put lemonade in it.
281
00:10:21,921 --> 00:10:23,424
It was an accident, and I apologized.
282
00:10:23,425 --> 00:10:26,163
I poured it out, and I paid for it.
But still...
283
00:10:26,164 --> 00:10:28,002
pretty reckless.
284
00:10:29,404 --> 00:10:31,775
Okay, maybe we are lame. (sighs)
285
00:10:31,776 --> 00:10:33,145
Hey, did you guys know
286
00:10:33,146 --> 00:10:37,220
that I have diabetes and a peanut allergy?
287
00:10:37,221 --> 00:10:38,924
That's not your bracelet, Maw Maw.
288
00:10:38,925 --> 00:10:41,063
My name is Hubert.
289
00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:49,418
What is this, a surprise inspection?
290
00:10:49,419 --> 00:10:52,959
I'm an old woman reading in bed. Busted.
291
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,398
No. I just wanted to say
292
00:10:55,399 --> 00:10:58,203
maybe earlier I overreacted a little.
293
00:10:58,204 --> 00:11:00,041
And I should trust you.
294
00:11:00,042 --> 00:11:02,379
Thank you, Virginia.
295
00:11:02,380 --> 00:11:05,019
All right. Sweet dreams.
296
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,330
Hey.
297
00:11:10,331 --> 00:11:11,967
If your closet smells like weed,
298
00:11:11,968 --> 00:11:14,472
it's because I was just in
your closet smoking weed.
299
00:11:14,473 --> 00:11:17,980
And if it smells like pee, well, I'm old.
300
00:11:17,981 --> 00:11:21,021
Come here, you silver-tongued devil.
301
00:11:24,027 --> 00:11:26,465
I wish we didn't have to
sneak around like this.
302
00:11:26,466 --> 00:11:28,370
Stress is bad for my heart.
303
00:11:28,371 --> 00:11:30,942
I'm sorry. She just doesn't get us.
304
00:11:30,943 --> 00:11:33,079
She forgets what it was like.
305
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:35,184
I wish we could just run away together,
306
00:11:35,185 --> 00:11:37,188
some place where we wouldn't be judged.
307
00:11:37,189 --> 00:11:40,161
The running sounds like
a little bit too much.
308
00:11:40,162 --> 00:11:44,070
But maybe there's somewhere
we could walk to... slowly.
309
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:47,445
Come on. I've only got three
hours before the pill wears off.
310
00:11:53,591 --> 00:11:56,129
What the Frank is going on?
311
00:11:56,130 --> 00:11:58,334
Afternoon, Mrs. Chance.
312
00:11:58,335 --> 00:12:00,873
He's installing nanny cams to
help us keep an eye on Ashley.
313
00:12:00,874 --> 00:12:02,242
We didn't agree to this.
314
00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:05,583
Au contraire, mon friendo.
315
00:12:05,584 --> 00:12:07,153
Okay, all right.
316
00:12:07,154 --> 00:12:10,428
I'm not saying "no" to the
idea of the nanny cam.
317
00:12:13,501 --> 00:12:15,237
Don't worry. It's not gonna be weird.
318
00:12:15,238 --> 00:12:16,907
There's not gonna be any wires, or...
319
00:12:16,908 --> 00:12:18,846
She's not gonna even know
where the cameras are.
320
00:12:18,847 --> 00:12:20,215
Does there happen to be one hidden
321
00:12:20,216 --> 00:12:21,518
in the novelty-sized can of baked beans
322
00:12:21,519 --> 00:12:24,357
sitting on the bookshelf? (whirring)
323
00:12:24,358 --> 00:12:27,297
Blind luck, and you'll
never find the others.
324
00:12:27,298 --> 00:12:28,534
Banana taped to the window.
325
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,042
Okay, now you're freaking me out.
326
00:12:33,043 --> 00:12:35,448
You guys, why didn't you just
put it in the fruit bowl?
327
00:12:35,449 --> 00:12:36,886
She'd eat it!
328
00:12:37,654 --> 00:12:39,022
Teenagers love bananas.
329
00:12:39,023 --> 00:12:40,425
That's a known fact.
330
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:43,365
Oh, wait. I might be
thinking of chimpanzees.
331
00:12:43,366 --> 00:12:45,236
Good call on the fruit bowl.
332
00:12:45,237 --> 00:12:48,509
Virginia, you smoking again?
333
00:12:48,510 --> 00:12:50,213
I think I have to, Burt.
334
00:12:50,214 --> 00:12:51,616
I'm trying to get my cool back.
335
00:12:51,617 --> 00:12:54,189
I don't think the cool
kids are smoking anymore.
336
00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:55,659
They're not?
337
00:12:55,660 --> 00:12:58,264
No. They have computer
cigarettes now or something.
338
00:12:58,265 --> 00:13:01,103
I used to be the coolest
girl in Natesville.
339
00:13:01,104 --> 00:13:02,272
A wine cooler
340
00:13:02,273 --> 00:13:04,110
in one hand, cigarette in the other
341
00:13:04,111 --> 00:13:05,413
and a bun in the oven.
342
00:13:05,414 --> 00:13:07,283
Man, the looks I used to get.
343
00:13:07,284 --> 00:13:10,123
It was cool going to parties
with a pregnant chick.
344
00:13:10,124 --> 00:13:12,194
You were living proof that I'd had sex.
345
00:13:12,195 --> 00:13:14,600
Now we're just lame-os
who fall asleep at 9:00
346
00:13:14,601 --> 00:13:16,938
to the sound of Mark Harmon solving crimes.
347
00:13:16,939 --> 00:13:18,976
Well, maybe if we accept
348
00:13:18,977 --> 00:13:21,314
that we're not cool anymore,
that makes us cool.
349
00:13:21,315 --> 00:13:23,418
Like that couple on TV with
the salt-and-pepper hair.
350
00:13:23,419 --> 00:13:25,089
They don't care what anybody thinks.
351
00:13:25,090 --> 00:13:27,160
They want to take a bath
in the middle of a field,
352
00:13:27,161 --> 00:13:28,596
they don't ask permission. They just do it.
353
00:13:28,597 --> 00:13:30,400
They are cool as hell.
354
00:13:30,401 --> 00:13:32,605
That's a commercial for people
who need pills to have sex.
355
00:13:32,606 --> 00:13:34,276
What?
356
00:13:34,277 --> 00:13:35,646
I thought it was a commercial
357
00:13:35,647 --> 00:13:38,083
for cool people taking outdoor baths, but
358
00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:39,387
this makes more sense.
359
00:13:39,388 --> 00:13:41,491
Because I was wondering why a bathtub
360
00:13:41,492 --> 00:13:44,564
would give you dizziness
and four-hour erections.
361
00:13:44,565 --> 00:13:46,101
Do you know what?
362
00:13:46,102 --> 00:13:48,306
I refuse to just get old and lame.
363
00:13:48,307 --> 00:13:49,976
I'm gonna fight this.
364
00:13:49,977 --> 00:13:52,248
I'm gonna do what every cool
kid in Natesville has done
365
00:13:52,249 --> 00:13:53,350
for the last 50 years.
366
00:13:53,351 --> 00:13:55,288
- Moving to Tracetown?
- No.
367
00:13:55,289 --> 00:13:58,227
I'm gonna climb the radio antenna!
368
00:13:58,228 --> 00:14:01,568
And I dare you... to climb it with me.
369
00:14:01,569 --> 00:14:03,973
Oh.
370
00:14:03,974 --> 00:14:06,244
Yeah.
371
00:14:06,245 --> 00:14:07,715
Damn it! Virginia, wait up!
372
00:14:07,716 --> 00:14:09,385
Burt, look at us!
373
00:14:09,386 --> 00:14:11,690
I don't know if it's the adrenaline
374
00:14:11,691 --> 00:14:14,629
or being just above
Natesville's smog layer,
375
00:14:14,630 --> 00:14:17,035
but I haven't felt this cool in years!
376
00:14:17,036 --> 00:14:19,207
Cowabunga, dude!
377
00:14:19,208 --> 00:14:20,709
Ah!
378
00:14:20,710 --> 00:14:23,049
(groaning)
379
00:14:25,354 --> 00:14:29,027
Okay. We've done it! Yeah.
380
00:14:29,028 --> 00:14:30,998
We win!
381
00:14:30,999 --> 00:14:33,070
We're cool. Can we get down now?
382
00:14:33,071 --> 00:14:35,442
What are you talking about?
We're nowhere near the top.
383
00:14:35,443 --> 00:14:37,546
Well, the last time we did
this, this was the top.
384
00:14:37,547 --> 00:14:39,150
When everybody got cell phones,
385
00:14:39,151 --> 00:14:41,187
they had to build a bigger antenna.
386
00:14:41,188 --> 00:14:43,192
That's great!
387
00:14:43,193 --> 00:14:45,163
Oh, where you going?
388
00:14:45,164 --> 00:14:46,666
Cindy Holbrook might
have gotten here first,
389
00:14:46,667 --> 00:14:49,605
but I'm gonna be the first
one to get to the top.
390
00:14:49,606 --> 00:14:50,641
Mom?
391
00:14:50,642 --> 00:14:52,579
What? Jimmy?
392
00:14:52,580 --> 00:14:55,218
What the hell are you guys doing up here?
393
00:14:55,219 --> 00:14:56,654
Virginia dared me.
394
00:14:56,655 --> 00:14:58,559
We're trying to be as cool
as when we were kids.
395
00:14:58,560 --> 00:14:59,694
Why are you here?
396
00:14:59,695 --> 00:15:01,431
Same reason. Virginia dared you?
397
00:15:01,432 --> 00:15:05,072
No. We just felt lame.
398
00:15:05,073 --> 00:15:06,676
JIMMY: Frank wired our
place with nanny cams
399
00:15:06,677 --> 00:15:08,413
so we could keep an eye on Ashley.
400
00:15:08,414 --> 00:15:10,217
Then we went into the garage and waited.
401
00:15:10,218 --> 00:15:13,157
We've been staring at this
hallway for 20 minutes.
402
00:15:13,158 --> 00:15:15,729
I knew we should have let Frank
put a camera in the bathroom.
403
00:15:15,730 --> 00:15:17,399
The words "Frank," "camera" and "bathroom"
404
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,337
do not belong in the same sentence.
405
00:15:19,338 --> 00:15:20,472
(Hope screams)
406
00:15:20,473 --> 00:15:22,276
- I'm going in.
- Wait, wait. Look.
407
00:15:22,277 --> 00:15:25,783
(Ashley growls playfully, Hope laughs)
408
00:15:25,784 --> 00:15:27,521
Oh, my God!
409
00:15:27,522 --> 00:15:29,459
She let a mummy into our house.
410
00:15:29,460 --> 00:15:30,361
What?
411
00:15:30,362 --> 00:15:32,265
Wait. Hang on.
412
00:15:32,266 --> 00:15:34,370
(Hope laughing) I think
that might be Ashley.
413
00:15:34,371 --> 00:15:35,572
Good catch.
414
00:15:35,573 --> 00:15:37,175
JIMMY: Turned out the blankets
415
00:15:37,176 --> 00:15:38,646
we thought teenagers were having sex on
416
00:15:38,647 --> 00:15:40,449
were just part of a pillow fort.
417
00:15:40,450 --> 00:15:42,587
And the cups we thought
were filled with daiquiris
418
00:15:42,588 --> 00:15:44,324
were just used for strawberry smoothies.
419
00:15:44,325 --> 00:15:46,763
I feel like such an idiot
for not trusting her.
420
00:15:46,764 --> 00:15:50,764
It's like we have become
those paranoid parents.
421
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,377
I know. Look how great she is.
422
00:15:53,378 --> 00:15:55,615
And now she's even taking out the trash.
423
00:15:55,616 --> 00:15:57,285
Jimmy, that means she's...
424
00:15:57,286 --> 00:15:59,290
(gasps) Hey.
425
00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:00,860
Were you guys spying on me?
426
00:16:00,861 --> 00:16:02,496
No. No, no, no, no, no.
427
00:16:02,497 --> 00:16:04,468
That is, like, super creepy and lame.
428
00:16:04,469 --> 00:16:05,737
We're not lame.
429
00:16:05,738 --> 00:16:07,374
We were just...
430
00:16:07,375 --> 00:16:09,546
Uh, producing a new reality show.
431
00:16:09,547 --> 00:16:12,585
And this was your audition.
432
00:16:12,586 --> 00:16:14,189
Mm-hmm. It's new.
433
00:16:14,190 --> 00:16:16,461
It's called So You
Think You Can Babysit.
434
00:16:16,462 --> 00:16:17,830
I'm so glad to hear
435
00:16:17,831 --> 00:16:19,600
you guys aren't really
a cashier and bagger.
436
00:16:19,601 --> 00:16:21,405
That sounded like such a sad life.
437
00:16:21,406 --> 00:16:24,144
(Sabrina clears her throat)
438
00:16:24,145 --> 00:16:25,681
We got busted by a 17-year-old
439
00:16:25,682 --> 00:16:27,718
who's already cooler than we ever were.
440
00:16:27,719 --> 00:16:30,591
Yeah, we felt really lame,
so we did the same thing
441
00:16:30,592 --> 00:16:32,663
every cool kid in Natesville
has always done...
442
00:16:32,664 --> 00:16:34,299
climb the antenna.
443
00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:36,203
Natesville really ought to
invest in a water park.
444
00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:38,441
Or at least some kind of rec
room with a dart board.
445
00:16:38,442 --> 00:16:39,811
What are you two doing?
446
00:16:39,812 --> 00:16:42,350
Stop talking and get down right now!
447
00:16:42,351 --> 00:16:43,687
You're parents now.
448
00:16:43,688 --> 00:16:45,691
You can't be unresponsible.
449
00:16:45,692 --> 00:16:47,828
If you fall, it's not like in the cartoons.
450
00:16:47,829 --> 00:16:49,599
I mean, sure you might flatten out
451
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:52,272
or make a hole in the shape of your bodies,
452
00:16:52,273 --> 00:16:53,607
but you're not gonna survive it.
453
00:16:53,608 --> 00:16:55,311
Oh, my God.
454
00:16:55,312 --> 00:16:57,483
Scaredy-pants Chance.
455
00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,353
(in adult Burt's voice):
Virginia, please don't mock me
456
00:16:59,354 --> 00:17:00,924
when I'm trying to be serious
with our son and his wife!
457
00:17:00,925 --> 00:17:04,565
No. You weren't scared of
breaking your neck at all.
458
00:17:04,566 --> 00:17:07,939
You were scared about who would
take care of us if you did.
459
00:17:07,940 --> 00:17:09,409
For the first time
460
00:17:09,410 --> 00:17:10,778
in your life,
461
00:17:10,779 --> 00:17:12,783
you were making an adult,
responsible decision.
462
00:17:12,784 --> 00:17:15,822
Huh. Maybe that's why it felt so weird.
463
00:17:15,823 --> 00:17:18,428
I also just realized you
never should have thrown out
464
00:17:18,429 --> 00:17:20,466
your super-cool puka shell necklace.
465
00:17:20,467 --> 00:17:21,969
But either way,
466
00:17:21,970 --> 00:17:25,677
you're still the bravest,
sexiest man I've ever met.
467
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:27,882
Aw. (giggles)
468
00:17:27,883 --> 00:17:29,720
This is really sweet.
469
00:17:29,721 --> 00:17:30,989
What are you still doing here?!
470
00:17:30,990 --> 00:17:32,893
You have a daughter to take care of!
471
00:17:32,894 --> 00:17:34,696
Dad's right. We should go.
472
00:17:34,697 --> 00:17:35,933
Love you guys!
473
00:17:35,934 --> 00:17:37,703
Bye.
474
00:17:37,704 --> 00:17:39,240
That's right.
475
00:17:39,241 --> 00:17:42,581
Run home to your baby,
Scaredy-pants Chance!
476
00:17:42,582 --> 00:17:43,616
(spits)
477
00:17:43,617 --> 00:17:44,952
(laughs) JIMMY: Hey!
478
00:17:44,953 --> 00:17:46,722
It is actually a pretty funny nickname.
479
00:17:46,723 --> 00:17:47,993
(laughs)
480
00:17:51,401 --> 00:17:53,304
(gasps)
481
00:17:53,305 --> 00:17:55,576
We did it! We're at the top!
482
00:17:55,577 --> 00:17:58,415
Screw you, Cindy Holbrook!
483
00:17:58,416 --> 00:18:00,987
Oh. Oh. You know what?
484
00:18:00,988 --> 00:18:02,958
If I'm being honest,
485
00:18:02,959 --> 00:18:06,666
this isn't really making me
feel a whole lot cooler.
486
00:18:06,667 --> 00:18:07,902
Yeah, me, neither. (groans)
487
00:18:07,903 --> 00:18:10,274
Maybe we're not gonna be cool anymore.
488
00:18:10,275 --> 00:18:12,913
Maybe, from now on, we
just get lamer and lamer.
489
00:18:12,914 --> 00:18:14,483
Then we die of lameness.
490
00:18:14,484 --> 00:18:15,785
Yeah, maybe so.
491
00:18:15,786 --> 00:18:19,561
Promise me you'll grow lame with me?
492
00:18:19,562 --> 00:18:21,665
I think I'll be able to handle it better
493
00:18:21,666 --> 00:18:22,868
if we go through it together.
494
00:18:22,869 --> 00:18:24,472
- Me, too.
- Yeah.
495
00:18:24,473 --> 00:18:26,743
Let's grow old gracefully
like Cher or Carrot Top.
496
00:18:26,744 --> 00:18:28,981
Does that mean you're not
going to do any more dares?
497
00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:30,485
Oh, I think I'm over that.
498
00:18:30,486 --> 00:18:32,689
- Maybe just one last one?
- Uh...
499
00:18:32,690 --> 00:18:34,393
I dare you to kiss me.
500
00:18:34,394 --> 00:18:36,564
Ah!
501
00:18:36,565 --> 00:18:37,934
Mmm. Yeah, we did it!
502
00:18:37,935 --> 00:18:40,439
We kissed on top of the tower! (whoops)
503
00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:42,076
We're not lame!
504
00:18:42,077 --> 00:18:44,916
We're just like all the other
cool people in this town.
505
00:18:44,917 --> 00:18:47,588
(sighs) Incredibly stupid.
506
00:18:47,589 --> 00:18:50,061
I wish someone could have
seen us up here. I know.
507
00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:52,498
I bet we're the oldest people to do this.
508
00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:54,303
(helicopter blades whirring) What?
509
00:18:54,304 --> 00:18:55,572
MAN (over speaker): Freeze!
This is the police!
510
00:18:55,573 --> 00:18:56,875
Whoa! What?
511
00:18:56,876 --> 00:18:58,311
You are trespassing on government property.
512
00:18:58,312 --> 00:19:00,316
Hey! Yes!
513
00:19:00,317 --> 00:19:02,989
Everybody's gonna hear about this!
514
00:19:02,990 --> 00:19:05,528
(whooping) Hey!
515
00:19:07,571 --> 00:19:10,510
MAW MAW: Dear diary, I don't
care what Virginia says.
516
00:19:10,511 --> 00:19:13,082
Hubert is the cat's pajamas.
517
00:19:13,083 --> 00:19:16,089
I think tonight's the night
I'll finally lose it.
518
00:19:16,090 --> 00:19:17,626
My eyesight.
519
00:19:17,627 --> 00:19:19,999
Can't even see what I'm writing.
520
00:19:22,601 --> 00:19:24,239
Hubert!
521
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:25,876
Hi, Barbara June.
522
00:19:25,877 --> 00:19:28,215
Okay, you got five minutes
to get your stuff together,
523
00:19:28,216 --> 00:19:29,518
and we're leaving here forever.
524
00:19:29,519 --> 00:19:31,087
Did we make a suicide pact?
525
00:19:31,088 --> 00:19:33,593
Because I did make one with a pen pal once,
526
00:19:33,594 --> 00:19:36,300
and it didn't turn out too well.
527
00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:39,506
No, we're gonna hop on
my pimped out Get Around
528
00:19:39,507 --> 00:19:42,045
and we're gonna hit the open sidewalk.
529
00:19:42,046 --> 00:19:44,584
Well, I don't know if I can
just pick up and leave.
530
00:19:44,585 --> 00:19:46,387
I have a family, I have a house.
531
00:19:46,388 --> 00:19:48,559
I met a new guy named Hubert.
532
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,096
Come on, Barbara June.
533
00:19:50,097 --> 00:19:51,165
I want to feel
534
00:19:51,166 --> 00:19:52,745
the breeze rushing through
535
00:19:52,746 --> 00:19:56,582
what's left of my hair, and
I want you by my side.
536
00:19:56,583 --> 00:19:59,251
I really want to go with you.
I'm just scared.
537
00:19:59,252 --> 00:20:00,686
Relax, mamacita.
538
00:20:00,687 --> 00:20:03,523
Here, take a Quaalude.
539
00:20:04,557 --> 00:20:07,159
Oh, wait. That's a stool softener.
540
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,294
- I better take that.
- Oh.
541
00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:10,429
Here you go.
542
00:20:10,430 --> 00:20:11,697
Are you nuts?
543
00:20:11,698 --> 00:20:13,432
This stuff could kill us.
544
00:20:13,433 --> 00:20:14,800
So what if it does?
545
00:20:14,801 --> 00:20:16,668
At least we'll die with
smiles on our faces,
546
00:20:16,669 --> 00:20:18,504
and a little bit of vomit 'cause sometimes
547
00:20:18,505 --> 00:20:20,672
those Quaaludes will make you
choke on your own tongue.
548
00:20:20,673 --> 00:20:22,474
My family's very important to me,
549
00:20:22,475 --> 00:20:25,211
and-and they're good, responsible people.
550
00:20:26,279 --> 00:20:27,679
Hey, Maw Maw.
551
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,181
Remember Officer Steve and Officer Mark?
552
00:20:29,182 --> 00:20:31,717
Oh, no. What did you two idiots do now?
553
00:20:31,718 --> 00:20:34,052
You'll read about it in
tomorrow's newspaper.
554
00:20:34,053 --> 00:20:35,287
And only in the newspaper.
555
00:20:35,288 --> 00:20:36,688
Apparently, we kicked some wires
556
00:20:36,689 --> 00:20:38,590
and knocked out all the local TV stations.
557
00:20:38,591 --> 00:20:40,325
Hello, Officers.
558
00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:41,627
I'm ex-congressman
559
00:20:41,628 --> 00:20:44,263
Hubert Wilson, and I think we can all agree
560
00:20:44,264 --> 00:20:47,467
that it would be better if
I were left out of this.
561
00:20:53,472 --> 00:20:54,673
I'm not angry.
562
00:20:54,674 --> 00:20:57,176
I'm just disappointed.
563
00:20:57,177 --> 00:20:58,777
It's fun being in trouble.
564
00:20:58,778 --> 00:21:00,612
Makes me feel like a teenager again.
565
00:21:00,613 --> 00:21:04,249
Me, too. Please don't take
away our phone privileges.
566
00:21:04,250 --> 00:21:05,717
I'm taking away your phone privileges!
567
00:21:05,718 --> 00:21:07,386
As long as you don't ground us.
568
00:21:07,387 --> 00:21:09,588
You're grounded! Go to your room!
569
00:21:09,589 --> 00:21:11,557
(Virginia laughs)
570
00:21:11,558 --> 00:21:13,459
Thank you for caring so much.
571
00:21:21,634 --> 00:21:23,635
What's this?
572
00:21:23,636 --> 00:21:26,072
Guess I forgot to take my vitamin.
573
00:21:27,597 --> 00:21:32,097
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
574
00:21:32,147 --> 00:21:36,697
Repair and Synchronization by
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