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1
00:00:07,550 --> 00:00:09,135
You're both getting out today.
2
00:00:09,135 --> 00:00:11,345
I still got eight months.
This fool got four years left.
3
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:13,472
The governor's
letting out a bunch of nonviolent
4
00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:16,600
- inmates because of the Coronavirus.
- I'll tell you what.
5
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:20,479
Give me that $40 and you can stay
at my mom's place for a couple of nights.
6
00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:23,691
- What were you in for?
- Uh... Selling weed.
7
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:25,526
[Gloria] Were either of you guys
in D Block?
8
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:30,072
That's where my man is. Do you guys
know a guy named Jack? He is 28 years old.
9
00:00:30,072 --> 00:00:32,408
He says he looks like a cross
between the Rock and...
10
00:00:32,408 --> 00:00:33,951
- Alex Rodriguez.
- Alex Rodriguez.
11
00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:35,119
I'm sorry.
12
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,415
Is this even your dick?
13
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,001
That's my dick.
14
00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:44,545
- What are we doing at Melvin's?
- I need toilet paper.
15
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,172
You can't buy any in the stores anymore.
16
00:00:46,172 --> 00:00:49,300
People panicked and scooped it all up,
leaving the rest of us to improvise.
17
00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:51,886
Had to throw away
a perfectly good oven mitt last night.
18
00:00:51,886 --> 00:00:55,306
I'm thinking after dinner
we visit Melvin's place
19
00:00:55,306 --> 00:00:57,099
and steal us some toilet paper.
20
00:00:57,099 --> 00:01:00,770
I'm not going back to jail. So if we're
going to do this, we need to do it right.
21
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:05,232
A lot of people in here believe there's
no such thing as the perfect crime.
22
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:08,569
A perfect crime is a crime that
nobody even knows happened.
23
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:13,991
[sinister music playing]
24
00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:25,419
- So, you got it?
- Merry Christmas, Princess.
25
00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:28,339
Holy shit.
26
00:01:28,339 --> 00:01:30,341
You said you
wanted more than to use, right?
27
00:01:31,634 --> 00:01:32,510
Yeah, dude.
28
00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:34,845
I got to start making bank
if I'm gonna ride in style like you.
29
00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:38,516
Check out this new jam.
It's the tits.
30
00:01:38,516 --> 00:01:41,143
["Come Out and Play"
by The Offspring playing]
31
00:01:42,895 --> 00:01:44,605
[police siren blaring]
32
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:45,940
Oh, shit.
33
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:55,908
Oh God.
34
00:02:14,260 --> 00:02:15,970
[sound drops out]
35
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,017
- [music resumes]
- [siren blares]
36
00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:36,615
["Come Out and Play" now on radio]
37
00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:45,249
[DJ] That song is 26 years old
and more relevant than ever.
38
00:02:45,249 --> 00:02:49,336
With Coronavirus numbers on the rise,
they got to "keep us separated."
39
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:51,881
President Trump
announced yesterday that he'll--
40
00:02:51,881 --> 00:02:54,425
- [station change squabble]
- ["High Steppin'" by the Avett Brothers]
41
00:02:57,136 --> 00:03:00,681
♪ I'm a high steppin', high bettin' ♪
42
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,850
♪ Love givin', I'm a love gettin' ♪
43
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:07,146
♪ I'm a stranger,
I love stretchin' out my wheels ♪
44
00:03:09,148 --> 00:03:14,403
♪ Overnightin' on the desert strip
Making time and losing grip ♪
45
00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:17,823
♪ Driving circles in the canyons
of my mind ♪
46
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:22,453
♪ I'm an outsider lookin' in ♪
47
00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:25,414
♪ I got a perfect square
for a circle of friends ♪
48
00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:28,876
♪ It's the four of us
against the rest of you ♪
49
00:03:31,337 --> 00:03:34,006
♪ But really I am all alone ♪
50
00:03:34,006 --> 00:03:36,759
♪ I'd sell 'em out to save my own ♪
51
00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:40,638
♪ I told them that
but they don't buy the truth ♪
52
00:03:42,306 --> 00:03:45,559
♪ I'm a high steppin', high bettin' ♪
53
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:47,937
♪ Love givin', I'm a love gettin' ♪
54
00:03:47,937 --> 00:03:52,024
♪ I'm a stranger,
I love stretchin' out my wheels ♪
55
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:59,448
♪ Overnightin' on the desert strip
Makin' time and losin' grip ♪
56
00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:03,327
♪ Drivin' circles in the canyons
of my mind ♪
57
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,748
♪ The best beggars are choosers ♪
58
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:14,129
♪ The best winners are losers
The best lovers ain't never been loved ♪
59
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:21,762
♪ And first place ain't easy
The hardest part is believing ♪
60
00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:29,478
♪ The very last word is love ♪
61
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:33,273
♪ I'm a high steppin', high bettin' ♪
62
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,567
♪ Love givin', I'm a love gettin' ♪
63
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:39,321
♪ I'm a stranger,
I love stretchin' out my wheels ♪
64
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:47,413
♪ Overnightin' on the desert strip
Makin' time and losin' grip ♪
65
00:04:47,413 --> 00:04:51,291
♪ Drivin' circles in the canyons
of my mind ♪
66
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,050
Breakfast is ready!
67
00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:06,724
Hey, save some of that for me.
I want some greasy eggs, too.
68
00:05:06,724 --> 00:05:08,892
She who makes the grease gets the grease.
69
00:05:10,269 --> 00:05:12,771
So do we need to, uh...
70
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:17,443
- talk to God before we dig in, or...?
- No, I only pray on Tuesdays.
71
00:05:17,568 --> 00:05:19,069
I like to play hard to get.
72
00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:24,616
So, now that everyone's clothed
and fed and running up my water bill,
73
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:27,077
we should talk about our next job.
74
00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:30,914
Since Mother Teresa over here
will only steal from bad people,
75
00:05:30,914 --> 00:05:34,209
I took the liberty of writing up
a list of douchebags in the area.
76
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:38,088
Cathy Watkins, Rooster's old babysitter.
77
00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:39,423
She was abusive.
78
00:05:39,423 --> 00:05:41,675
She stopped giving me water
after I peed in her purse.
79
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:42,593
Nah. Who else?
80
00:05:42,593 --> 00:05:45,804
Joel Rubin, Rooster's teacher
who suspended him in the fourth grade.
81
00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:48,057
Which is why
he still can't do short division.
82
00:05:48,057 --> 00:05:50,893
- I could have been an astronaut.
- Why did he kick you out?
83
00:05:50,893 --> 00:05:53,312
Well, I flicked a booger on his back
when he wasn't looking.
84
00:05:53,312 --> 00:05:55,314
Look, I'm not robbing someone
because they did
85
00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:57,691
something bad to Rooster
in retaliation for something he did.
86
00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,234
Fine.
87
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:11,371
[sighs]
88
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:14,166
- Maybe we shouldn't be thinking so small.
- What do you mean?
89
00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:15,542
Those politicians you mentioned
90
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:18,462
who were dumping stocks
while lying about the virus?
91
00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:22,257
Turns out one of them is from around here.
Congresswoman Paula Tackleberry.
92
00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:25,302
And she is loaded.
If we break into this house,
93
00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:28,597
we're gonna pull more than toilet paper
and a few hundred bucks. Check it out.
94
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:32,351
- That's a Claude van Woodson.
- Looks like Siamese twins playing Twister.
95
00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:35,854
It's probably worth half a million dollars
if we can get our hands on it.
96
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:36,772
Half a...
97
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:41,026
Are you serious?
What do you say, Jack?
98
00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:45,447
Crooked politician lying to the people
while she cashes in. Bad enough for you?
99
00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:48,826
Time's up.
That's a yes. Where does she live?
100
00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:51,411
I don't know. We're gonna
have to do some research.
101
00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:59,128
Oh, hold up a sec. I got an email
from Jean-Michel Ducomte.
102
00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:01,213
That's her online boyfriend.
103
00:07:04,550 --> 00:07:09,304
Oh, good. He got
the money I wired him. His father's sick.
104
00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:12,391
He had to sell his computer camera
to pay for the dialysis.
105
00:07:12,391 --> 00:07:15,352
That's the reason we've
never been able to talk face to face.
106
00:07:23,735 --> 00:07:26,613
I'll read the rest of this later.
You do your thing.
107
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:38,792
Is there something
wrong with your internet?
108
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:41,211
Not unless the neighbors
didn't pay their "wee-fee" bill.
109
00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:43,714
The computer
in the prison library isn't this slow.
110
00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:47,342
Of course it's not. Prisoners
are probably just typing in "titties."
111
00:07:47,342 --> 00:07:50,137
It doesn't take that long
to find some random titties.
112
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:53,807
She typed in a specific name.
It's going to take some time to find her.
113
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,726
So it always takes this long?
114
00:07:55,726 --> 00:07:58,896
Yeah. I just type in my question
and then kill some time
115
00:07:58,896 --> 00:08:00,647
while the person
on the other end looks it up.
116
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,399
Barb, there's no one on the other end.
117
00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:04,359
Yeah, they probably got
really fast robots looking through
118
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:05,402
phone books and encyclopedias.
119
00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:09,156
Whatever. It's still a lot of
phone books for a robot to flip through.
120
00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,287
Mommy, what are
the symptoms of the virus again?
121
00:08:15,287 --> 00:08:17,581
I think we're okay
as long as he's not coughing.
122
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:32,679
Oh, shit.
He's got the Rona.
123
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:38,268
[opening theme music]
124
00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:25,607
- Are you sure this is necessary?
- We need to take you to get tested.
125
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,943
[Gloria] He's been breathing all
over us since we got out of prison.
126
00:09:27,943 --> 00:09:29,194
We all need to get tested.
127
00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:32,197
She's right.
I bet the free clinic does it for free.
128
00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:34,741
Free clinic makes
you give them too much info.
129
00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:38,287
I don't like the idea of the government
knowing my Social Security number.
130
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:40,831
Barb, the government already
knows your Social Security number.
131
00:09:40,831 --> 00:09:44,001
Not my new one, they don't.
We'll drive to Mount Airy.
132
00:09:44,001 --> 00:09:46,920
There's a place that tests
people under the table for cash.
133
00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:50,799
You're going downhill fast, man.
134
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:53,427
I heard that once you lose
your sense of smell, you're done.
135
00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:58,265
- Ah. Thank you.
- [Rooster farts]
136
00:09:58,807 --> 00:09:59,808
What?
137
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:05,022
[gagging]
138
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:08,525
There's still hope.
139
00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:10,360
[groaning]
140
00:10:11,194 --> 00:10:13,113
♪ ♪
141
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:35,135
We could fill out the forms online,
but since all we have is Barb's flip phone
142
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,888
and the world's first computer,
we'll have to go old school.
143
00:10:37,888 --> 00:10:40,182
Also, I think we were
supposed to bring an animal with us.
144
00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:41,516
That makes sense.
145
00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:44,936
Vets can't legally test humans,
so they got to keep up appearances.
146
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,980
Rooster go snag us a pet.
147
00:10:53,779 --> 00:10:55,197
He has a way with animals.
148
00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:58,367
The neighbors
didn't let their kids play with him,
149
00:10:58,367 --> 00:11:01,453
so he spent a lot of time
bonding with the local wildlife.
150
00:11:01,453 --> 00:11:03,789
He trained his cousin's
chicken to scratch his back.
151
00:11:03,789 --> 00:11:05,415
- Is that what you call him Rooster?
- No.
152
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:07,918
In the kindergarten production of Annie,
153
00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:10,712
he played Miss Hannigan's
evil brother, Rooster.
154
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:14,007
He liked that name better
than his own, so I let him keep it.
155
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,634
What's his real name?
156
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:22,349
Shit, it's been so long.
I want to say Paul.
157
00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:31,149
There you go, little fella.
158
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:35,278
- Bird?
- Squirrel. Cute little guy.
159
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:39,533
Cough? Yes.
Congestion? Yes.
160
00:11:40,951 --> 00:11:46,123
Runny nose? Yes. Have you noticed
a loss of fur and or feathers recently?
161
00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:47,499
- What?
- Wait a second.
162
00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:50,085
Am I supposed to be asking
these questions to Jack or the squirrel?
163
00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,586
Probably the squirrel.
164
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,090
I'm gonna need a new form.
165
00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:59,428
Don't man-handle that worm too much.
166
00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:01,304
If it dies,
I'm going to have to dig up another one,
167
00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:04,558
and I don't like washing my hands
twice in one day. It dries out my skin.
168
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:08,937
You know, she seems stressed, so I'm just
giving him or her a little head tickle.
169
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:10,772
And a foot rub.
170
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:14,192
Oh, shit. Look who it is.
171
00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:16,236
Oh, no. Melvin, please don't.
172
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:17,612
Rooster, what's up, buddy?
173
00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:20,198
Look who's ridin' shotgun
who I been having frequent sex with.
174
00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:21,575
Leave it, leave it.
175
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:24,619
It's Wiggles, your old girlfriend,
in case you ain't seen.
176
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:26,246
And I've been having frequent sex with her
177
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,582
- in case you ain't hear.
- She's all yours, Melvin.
178
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:30,959
My son doesn't date strippers anymore.
179
00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:32,752
That's a dumbass life choice.
180
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:41,761
I wonder if that nurse would
give us a few Q tips to take home.
181
00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:45,348
I haven't been able to get out
and buy any since the pandemic hit.
182
00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:48,059
Been cleaning my ears
with the eraser end of a pencil.
183
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:55,233
If I die, will you
try and contact my parents?
184
00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:58,403
With what? A Ouija board?
I thought your parents were dead.
185
00:12:58,403 --> 00:13:04,284
Oh, yeah, that's right. They died
in each other's arms in that tornado.
186
00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:09,498
Was anything you told me
while we were dating in prison the truth?
187
00:13:09,498 --> 00:13:11,500
Or did you only
whisper lies through the toilet?
188
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:13,168
I told the truth occasionally.
189
00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:15,837
I only lied about my parents
to protect your feelings.
190
00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:18,590
After you told me your parents were dead,
I didn't want to seem braggy.
191
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:24,221
Oh, God, I really hope I don't die.
There's so many things I wanted to do
192
00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:27,098
when I finally got out of prison.
Dying was on the list,
193
00:13:27,098 --> 00:13:31,061
- but it was way toward the end.
- No, you better not die. If you die,
194
00:13:31,061 --> 00:13:34,731
I'm left here trying to steal from
a congresswoman with two morons.
195
00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:36,983
Trust me. I'm not trying to say
you're a genius, but at least
196
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:39,778
you haven't spent your whole life
in some shit little town.
197
00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:43,907
You lied about backpacking
through Europe, didn't you?
198
00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:46,993
I'm sorry, but lying is a slippery slope.
199
00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:50,664
And I might not have lied about my
parents being dead. They probably are.
200
00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:52,999
I haven't seen them in a while.
201
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:57,045
[funky music playing]
202
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:08,098
[police siren blares]
203
00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:17,691
Oh, good. Jack's home.
Herb, put another pork chop on.
204
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,404
- Herb!
- [Herb] What?
205
00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:23,405
Put your hands up. Don't move.
206
00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:25,490
- Herb! Herb!
- What?
207
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:26,950
- Herb!
- What?!
208
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,544
- Where's Barb?
- They're not gonna give us any Q tips,
209
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,421
so we're gonna try and steal some
when they're not looking.
210
00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:46,177
Okay. Let's try this again.
Name. What's a good name for a squirrel?
211
00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:52,017
Mr. Nuts is a funny name for a squirrel.
212
00:14:54,019 --> 00:14:55,437
That is funny.
213
00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:57,939
Okay. Mr. Nuts.
214
00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:03,945
I woke up with a headache.
I felt a little dizzy.
215
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:05,071
I thought it might be the Rona,
216
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,157
so I want to make sure
I didn't give it to my pet worm.
217
00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:17,709
Don't be afraid to go deep either.
I dig it. Mmm, tickly.
218
00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:20,003
But in a good way.
Like a little nostril orgasm.
219
00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:22,964
Is it my turn?
220
00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:24,299
She has to go on the left hole
221
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:26,426
because the right one has
a tiddlywink stuck in it.
222
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,053
No need. Come here.
223
00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:39,272
There. Now if I have it, you have it.
224
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,691
We just killed two birds with one Q tip.
225
00:15:45,904 --> 00:15:48,782
- What's the plan?
- I thought you were coming up with a plan.
226
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,201
I was giving the forms to Gloria.
227
00:15:51,201 --> 00:15:53,078
You can't walk and think
at the same time?
228
00:15:53,078 --> 00:15:54,245
I don't know. I never tried.
229
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:55,955
I usually sit down when I have to think.
230
00:15:57,582 --> 00:15:59,334
Aw. You get that from me.
231
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:06,299
Oh. Here she is. Let's see
where they hide the Q tips.
232
00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:09,260
Sketchy looking guy with a pet worm.
233
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,262
What do you think?
Does he have it?
234
00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:14,974
It is decidedly so.
235
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,440
Holy shit.
236
00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:26,736
They're not really testing people.
237
00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:29,239
They're taking the cash
and making up the results.
238
00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:30,740
Oh, man. That sucks.
239
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:32,784
Does it? Did you see in there?
240
00:16:32,784 --> 00:16:35,912
They've got cash,
a laptop, and I bet there's enough
241
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:38,707
Q tips to clean my ears till Christmas.
And the best part?
242
00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:41,543
They're douchebags,
so your goody-two-shoes cell mate
243
00:16:41,543 --> 00:16:43,086
will help us steal all of it.
244
00:16:44,045 --> 00:16:46,381
We just found our next job.
245
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,137
[camera shutter snapping]
246
00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:02,105
You thought this was a wise
wardrobe choice for your sentencing?
247
00:17:02,105 --> 00:17:04,858
He didn't have a suit
and wanted to avoid telling his parents
248
00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:08,027
where he was going today
and found this in their attic.
249
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:12,365
In their garage.
250
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:15,702
Son, have you ever heard
that marijuana is a gateway drug?
251
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,412
Yes, sir, but I've
never tried any other drugs.
252
00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:20,957
Arlene, tell him what
marijuana is a gateway to in my court.
253
00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:23,835
- Prison.
- Prison. It's a gateway to prison.
254
00:17:23,835 --> 00:17:25,295
Arlene nailed it.
255
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:28,506
And the government has
made my job very easy by instituting
256
00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:31,760
mandatory minimum
sentences for all drug-related crimes.
257
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:35,388
This is your second offense.
The mandatory minimum is 15 years.
258
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:38,850
And since the drugs were
confiscated within 1000 feet of a school,
259
00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:41,102
that doubles it to 30 years.
260
00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:45,356
Congratulations, son.
You hit the-- Arlene?
261
00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:48,943
- Jackpot.
- She's on fire today.
262
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:58,286
[Gloria] Shouldn't we tape down
the sides of the shower curtain?
263
00:17:58,286 --> 00:17:59,913
I'm not made of tape.
264
00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:03,541
Just make sure you cough,
talk, and breathe up through the flue.
265
00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:06,544
Got it. Sorry. Got it.
266
00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:09,714
Show him the pictures we took at the vet's
office, so he can come up with a plan.
267
00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:17,222
[chuckles] That's funny. He's sending
the bat flu up the chimney flue.
268
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:21,768
Probably how it got its name.
In the Spanish flu,
269
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:26,773
I bet they put sick people in fireplaces
and made them cough up the hole.
270
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:30,276
- And so they called the hole the flue.
- That's not how...
271
00:18:31,194 --> 00:18:34,864
- No.
- Really? What makes you so smart?
272
00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:35,865
Well, I don't know.
273
00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:37,450
I went to college,
if that's what you mean.
274
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:40,036
Oh, aren't you fancy or full of shit?
275
00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:42,997
Don't meet a lot
of ex-cons with college degrees.
276
00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:44,415
Well, what can I say?
277
00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:47,919
Some of us use our psychology degrees
to make real money instead of
278
00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:50,839
helping grown men
overcome their mommy issues.
279
00:18:50,839 --> 00:18:54,384
Why are you looking at me?
Mommy, why is she looking at me?
280
00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:55,802
Because she thinks she's smart.
281
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,971
But let me ask you something,
college girl.
282
00:18:58,179 --> 00:19:00,890
Did you ever take
any classes on the history of fireplaces?
283
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:02,892
- No.
- I rest my case.
284
00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:09,065
So, what do you think? You got a plan yet?
285
00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:11,818
I think so.
286
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:23,663
I'll never rob places at 3:00 a.m. again.
Streets are empty.
287
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:27,041
If someone sees you lurking that time
of night, they know something's fishy.
288
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:30,753
The best time to rob a business
is right after they close.
289
00:19:30,753 --> 00:19:32,422
That way,
if someone sees you trying to get in,
290
00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:35,258
they assume you work there
and don't call the cops.
291
00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:38,303
Plus, I'm getting old
and I'm sleepy by nine.
292
00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:39,470
Hmm.
293
00:19:40,597 --> 00:19:42,390
- Oh!
- Mm-hmm.
294
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:47,270
I'm telling you, there's no need
to break a window or use a crowbar.
295
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:50,440
Most of your standard locks can be
picked with a couple of paper clips
296
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:53,109
or even a bobby pin,
if you know what you're doing.
297
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,488
See that door over there?
Bet I can pick it in less than a minute.
298
00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:11,669
[funky music playing]
299
00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:32,482
- Hey. What are you doing?
- Getting the good stuff.
300
00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:42,033
Cracking a safe
is just listening for clicks...
301
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:45,203
doing the math...
302
00:20:46,663 --> 00:20:49,499
and having a little patience.
303
00:21:01,386 --> 00:21:05,098
It's been too long. I'm worried
he might have passed out or something.
304
00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:07,892
- I'm going in.
- Make sure you get the Q tips.
305
00:21:19,654 --> 00:21:22,448
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
306
00:21:23,658 --> 00:21:26,869
Is that furry nut muncher
still in my glove box?
307
00:21:26,869 --> 00:21:28,079
No.
308
00:21:28,079 --> 00:21:29,205
- Open it.
- Why?
309
00:21:29,205 --> 00:21:32,750
Because I want to know
if there's a squirrel in my glove box.
310
00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:33,960
There isn't.
311
00:21:34,585 --> 00:21:37,630
Okay. Okay.
There's a squirrel in your glove box.
312
00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:40,049
Damn it, Rooster.
How many times do I have to
313
00:21:40,049 --> 00:21:43,553
tell you that you cannot keep
wild animals as pets?
314
00:21:43,553 --> 00:21:45,471
But he wants to stay with me.
315
00:21:46,222 --> 00:21:50,560
- I can see it in his eyes.
- Fine. Open the glove box.
316
00:21:51,019 --> 00:21:54,313
If he wants to be your pet,
there's no point in keeping him locked up.
317
00:21:56,190 --> 00:21:57,150
Okay.
318
00:22:07,243 --> 00:22:10,580
See? He loves me.
319
00:22:10,580 --> 00:22:13,583
- [squirrel chittering]
- [Rooster grunting, yelping]
320
00:22:33,603 --> 00:22:34,937
What's taking so long?
321
00:22:35,646 --> 00:22:38,483
My ears are plugged. I'm gonna
need you to listen while I spin the dial.
322
00:22:38,483 --> 00:22:41,319
I'm gonna find something
to protect me from your germs.
323
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:44,113
This should work.
324
00:22:44,113 --> 00:22:46,115
That was super uncool, Mommy.
325
00:22:54,624 --> 00:22:56,459
[Dad] It's gonna be all right.
You're gonna be okay.
326
00:22:56,459 --> 00:23:00,129
Well, that's a fly in the ointment
we're going to have to swat.
327
00:23:00,922 --> 00:23:01,756
Hello?
328
00:23:02,799 --> 00:23:05,468
Is anyone here? Hello?
329
00:23:06,427 --> 00:23:07,845
- Hide!
- Oh, shit!
330
00:23:09,931 --> 00:23:11,974
- Can we help you?
- Are you the doctors?
331
00:23:12,683 --> 00:23:15,311
I'm a doctor. He's my son.
332
00:23:15,311 --> 00:23:16,687
- How come you get to be...?
- Shh.
333
00:23:17,647 --> 00:23:18,731
- I hit a squirrel.
- What kind of squirrel? Grey?
334
00:23:18,731 --> 00:23:20,525
- Please tell me it's not grey.
- It's grey.
335
00:23:21,859 --> 00:23:23,528
We'll do our best.
336
00:23:29,992 --> 00:23:30,868
You guys still here?
337
00:23:31,619 --> 00:23:33,204
- What's going on?
- What was that?
338
00:23:33,204 --> 00:23:35,414
- Who's out there?
- Fine. Don't panic.
339
00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:37,375
Just a couple of civilians.
I got it covered.
340
00:23:38,042 --> 00:23:41,671
Get the hell away from us, sickie.
Quarantine. Quarantine.
341
00:23:41,671 --> 00:23:42,922
What the hell is taking so long?
342
00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:44,841
Cash is in the safe,
and he's having trouble opening it.
343
00:23:44,841 --> 00:23:47,844
Forget the cash.
All we need is this laptop, right?
344
00:23:47,844 --> 00:23:49,887
I can't tell if this is Mr. Nuts or not.
345
00:23:51,222 --> 00:23:52,390
I'm trying to smell his breath
346
00:23:52,390 --> 00:23:54,142
for the Reese's Pieces,
but he's barely breathing.
347
00:23:54,142 --> 00:23:56,435
I think we gotta give him
mouth to mouth or something.
348
00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:59,939
No one is putting their lips
on that dirty-ass tree rat.
349
00:23:59,939 --> 00:24:01,649
That's how this
whole Corona thing started.
350
00:24:01,649 --> 00:24:05,236
- People sucking on wild creatures.
- [knocking] Barb.
351
00:24:05,236 --> 00:24:07,405
Those people out there
saw both your faces.
352
00:24:07,405 --> 00:24:08,906
- This is bad.
- Relax.
353
00:24:08,906 --> 00:24:10,658
We'll just wait here a couple of minutes,
354
00:24:10,658 --> 00:24:12,660
then we'll tell them
we did everything we could
355
00:24:12,660 --> 00:24:16,330
- but the squirrel is in a better place.
- We can't just let him die.
356
00:24:17,081 --> 00:24:19,542
You know, this is all your fault.
Why couldn't you just let me keep him?
357
00:24:19,542 --> 00:24:24,213
Because every time you've kept a wild
animal as a pet, you've gotten hurt.
358
00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:26,174
The raccoon gave you tetanus.
359
00:24:26,174 --> 00:24:28,676
The baby deer gave you
foot and mouth disease.
360
00:24:28,676 --> 00:24:31,637
That damned chicken nearly
poked your eye out when you fell asleep
361
00:24:31,637 --> 00:24:33,556
and rolled over during a back scratch.
362
00:24:34,807 --> 00:24:37,602
I'm your mom, and I need to protect you.
363
00:24:37,602 --> 00:24:39,812
Hey, what was that thing
you said before about mommy issues?
364
00:24:39,812 --> 00:24:42,607
- She has them, doesn't she?
- Um, actually, that would be you.
365
00:24:42,607 --> 00:24:46,819
I'd say she has more of a codependent
personality with a tendency towards
366
00:24:46,819 --> 00:24:50,823
control and overprotectiveness that
has resulted in your arrested development.
367
00:24:50,823 --> 00:24:52,992
Oh, now you're blaming me
for him getting arrested?
368
00:24:52,992 --> 00:24:54,202
No, I'm not.
369
00:24:54,202 --> 00:24:57,121
You don't have to protect me anymore, mom,
and I can protect myself.
370
00:24:59,790 --> 00:25:02,001
Not gonna let this little guy die.
371
00:25:03,127 --> 00:25:04,462
Oh. Good.
372
00:25:05,213 --> 00:25:07,131
I could've lived without seeing this.
373
00:25:10,384 --> 00:25:12,220
Oh, shit. It's working.
374
00:25:13,346 --> 00:25:15,056
[screaming]
375
00:25:29,779 --> 00:25:32,531
- This thing's already coming in handy.
- Is he gone?
376
00:25:51,509 --> 00:25:52,885
He's gone.
377
00:25:52,885 --> 00:25:54,303
I'll notify the family.
378
00:26:01,477 --> 00:26:03,896
Hey, Ma, come listen to this.
My lip has a heartbeat.
379
00:26:03,896 --> 00:26:05,481
I'll take your word for it.
380
00:26:05,481 --> 00:26:08,234
Gloria, you find any info
on the congresswoman yet?
381
00:26:08,234 --> 00:26:10,236
I haven't tried.
I'll do it in the morning.
382
00:26:10,236 --> 00:26:12,905
Haven't tried? What the hell have you
been doing on that thing?
383
00:26:14,156 --> 00:26:15,408
Whoa. What's this?
384
00:26:16,284 --> 00:26:20,204
I remember Trump on TV
talking about a way to fight this virus.
385
00:26:20,913 --> 00:26:25,668
Keep it to yourself, though. I think
I only have enough of the two of us.
386
00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:40,057
You're welcome.
387
00:26:40,057 --> 00:26:42,518
- For what?
- I found your parents.
388
00:26:42,518 --> 00:26:44,729
Seriously? They're alive?
389
00:26:44,729 --> 00:26:46,772
They live in a retirement home
in San Diego.
390
00:26:46,772 --> 00:26:48,733
You're not allowed
to visit because of COVID.
391
00:26:48,733 --> 00:26:51,360
But I did some digging,
and your mom registered a tablet
392
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:53,612
two years ago,
which means you can video chat with them.
393
00:26:55,239 --> 00:26:56,907
Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
Hold on. No.
394
00:26:56,907 --> 00:27:00,953
I just want you to tell them if I die.
I'm not ready...
395
00:27:01,579 --> 00:27:04,290
I haven't talked to them
in a really long time.
396
00:27:05,291 --> 00:27:07,293
- How long?
- Long.
397
00:27:08,419 --> 00:27:13,090
After I went to prison, I refused
to see them. I was too ashamed.
398
00:27:13,466 --> 00:27:15,509
They wrote me letters
for a while, but, uh...
399
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:19,513
after a few years of me not writing back,
the letters stopped coming.
400
00:27:20,806 --> 00:27:24,310
I can't. I don't even know
what I'd say to them.
401
00:27:25,478 --> 00:27:30,191
Say you've missed them. If my parents
were still here, that's what I'd say.
402
00:27:32,318 --> 00:27:35,029
No, don't. Hey!
How do I stop it?
403
00:27:35,363 --> 00:27:36,864
[ringing]
404
00:27:41,619 --> 00:27:43,746
- Where's the mouse?
- Hello?
405
00:27:43,746 --> 00:27:44,997
Hello?
406
00:27:45,664 --> 00:27:47,041
Who is that?
407
00:27:48,793 --> 00:27:52,254
- What's going on?
- My iTablet made a sound,
408
00:27:52,254 --> 00:27:58,052
and now there's a man sitting in
a little brick house staring back at me.
409
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:00,554
Mom?
410
00:28:01,847 --> 00:28:02,681
Dad?
411
00:28:05,434 --> 00:28:08,562
- Jack?
- No, that's too old to be Jack.
412
00:28:08,562 --> 00:28:11,440
Yeah. It's me.
413
00:28:17,947 --> 00:28:20,199
It's so good to see you.
414
00:28:21,992 --> 00:28:25,913
- Look at you, all grown.
- Is that your cell?
415
00:28:26,330 --> 00:28:28,499
Why is it so small?
Did you misbehave?
416
00:28:28,499 --> 00:28:33,546
No, I'm not in prison anymore.
I'm in a fireplace. It's a long stor...
417
00:28:36,799 --> 00:28:39,427
Jack, is that a wool sweater
you're wearing?
418
00:28:40,386 --> 00:28:41,595
I think so.
419
00:28:41,595 --> 00:28:45,433
You know, when you were born,
my mother gave you a wool blanket.
420
00:28:45,433 --> 00:28:50,438
And you had such an allergic reaction,
you ended up in the hospital.
421
00:28:51,063 --> 00:28:53,149
We had to get all the wool
out of the house.
422
00:28:53,149 --> 00:28:57,486
- Really cold ankles that winter.
- Allergic to wool.
423
00:28:58,070 --> 00:28:59,113
Thank God.
424
00:29:01,073 --> 00:29:02,283
To our health.
425
00:29:03,451 --> 00:29:06,912
Hey, I'm not sick.
I'm just allergic to wool.
426
00:29:07,830 --> 00:29:10,291
So tell me everything.
When did you move?
427
00:29:10,291 --> 00:29:13,335
[Mom] Six months ago.
I'm already sick of the food.
428
00:29:15,504 --> 00:29:17,089
And then your father said,
429
00:29:17,089 --> 00:29:20,217
"What's pickleball?
Sounds like a venereal disease."
430
00:29:21,177 --> 00:29:22,928
I did. I did say that.
431
00:29:23,679 --> 00:29:26,015
Okay.
I've probably kept you up long enough.
432
00:29:26,015 --> 00:29:28,893
I'll call you back tomorrow
and we'll pick up where we left off, okay?
433
00:29:28,893 --> 00:29:32,021
- You promise you're going to call?
- Yeah, I promise.
434
00:29:34,690 --> 00:29:38,486
- I love you.
- We love you, too, Jackie boy.
435
00:29:44,825 --> 00:29:48,037
Can you hang up? I'm still
trying to figure out these buttons.
436
00:29:49,330 --> 00:29:51,665
- Trying.
- No. No, stop.
437
00:29:51,665 --> 00:29:52,917
It's not. It's on the left.
438
00:29:52,917 --> 00:29:54,126
Stop.
439
00:30:07,014 --> 00:30:08,807
[upbeat acoustic guitar plays]
440
00:30:46,845 --> 00:30:47,721
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome--
441
00:30:47,721 --> 00:30:50,307
Do you own a car?
Would you rather have to--
442
00:30:50,307 --> 00:30:51,392
Get back in the saddle.
443
00:30:51,392 --> 00:30:53,352
A local veterinary clinic
has found itself
444
00:30:53,352 --> 00:30:55,896
in a dog bowl
full of hot water this morning
445
00:30:55,896 --> 00:30:58,732
after administering fake COVID tests
446
00:30:58,732 --> 00:31:01,652
and determining results
via magic eight ball.
447
00:31:01,652 --> 00:31:06,073
Baby, come look at this.
This news lady has the earrings I want.
448
00:31:06,073 --> 00:31:08,701
I was a little suspicious
when my first test came back
449
00:31:08,701 --> 00:31:10,452
"Reply hazy. Try again."
450
00:31:10,452 --> 00:31:14,415
But when the second test came back
"Outlook good," I didn't question it.
451
00:31:14,415 --> 00:31:17,334
Then I woke up this morning
to an envelope taped to my mailbox.
452
00:31:17,334 --> 00:31:19,169
Had the cash in it
that I paid for the test
453
00:31:19,169 --> 00:31:20,671
and a note saying it was all fake.
454
00:31:20,671 --> 00:31:23,007
So I called the police. The worst part is
455
00:31:23,007 --> 00:31:25,634
I sent a lot of my friends there
to get tested, and...
456
00:31:25,634 --> 00:31:28,887
Well, I guess it wasn't decidedly so
after all.
457
00:31:32,266 --> 00:31:34,685
Why do you have a picture
of Rooster's pecker?
458
00:31:37,730 --> 00:31:39,857
I'm sorry.
Who's pecker is that?
459
00:31:41,900 --> 00:31:44,278
["Do It Daily" by Martin Sexton playing]
460
00:31:46,905 --> 00:31:50,409
♪ Like shavin' your face
Takin' out the trash ♪
461
00:31:50,409 --> 00:31:52,578
♪ And knowin' your pace ♪
462
00:31:52,578 --> 00:31:55,748
♪ Spending all your cash on your baby ♪
463
00:31:55,748 --> 00:31:57,791
♪ Do it daily ♪
464
00:31:57,791 --> 00:32:01,378
♪ Like walkin' the dog
Cleanin' up the mess ♪
465
00:32:01,378 --> 00:32:04,632
♪ 'Til you go off to work
And make a good guess ♪
466
00:32:04,632 --> 00:32:06,300
♪ At what you won and lost ♪
467
00:32:06,300 --> 00:32:07,968
♪ And do it daily ♪
468
00:32:07,968 --> 00:32:11,722
♪ If you're gonna do it at all
You gotta do it daily ♪
469
00:32:11,722 --> 00:32:13,849
♪ ♪
470
00:33:35,139 --> 00:33:37,808
- I have a job interview today.
- You're kidding.
471
00:33:37,808 --> 00:33:39,727
- For what?
- Oh, you're going to love this.
472
00:33:39,727 --> 00:33:41,812
In prison I got a teaching degree online,
473
00:33:41,812 --> 00:33:44,565
and there's an opening
at the local high school.
474
00:33:44,565 --> 00:33:47,568
How is any of this boring shit
going to help us figure out how to
475
00:33:47,568 --> 00:33:49,528
break into this woman's house
and steal that painting?
476
00:33:49,528 --> 00:33:51,989
See these security cameras
inside her house?
477
00:33:51,989 --> 00:33:53,782
They're everywhere and they're wireless.
478
00:33:53,782 --> 00:33:58,036
We tap into her WiFi, and we got
24 hours surveillance inside her home.
479
00:33:59,830 --> 00:34:00,664
Hey, Ma.
480
00:34:00,664 --> 00:34:02,624
You still got that gun that
I got you for Mother's Day?
481
00:34:02,624 --> 00:34:04,418
It's in my underwear drawer. Why?
482
00:34:04,543 --> 00:34:06,587
♪ ♪
483
00:34:16,013 --> 00:34:18,682
Waaaa-hoo! [sniffles]
41024
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