All language subtitles for You.Me.Her.S04E01.Triangular.Peg.Meet.Round.Hole.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Did you know that trying
to do everything in threes,

especially sex,
is a [Whistles] poly foul?

Somebody put a full-price offer
on this house.

Helen's gonna do us
a landlord solid

and give us 72 hours
to match it.

Could this morning
be any more stressful?

-Don't say that.
-I'm having what?!

They're twins,
normal human girls,

not aliens or devil children.

I'm gonna get a real job
with a real salary

so I can help us get the loan
for the house.

"I've got a session."

I never thought
I'd actually be saying that

as the therapist
and not the patient.

Good morning, darling.

You look a little, uh...
gorgeous.

That's the word
I was gonna say.

-Thanks?
-So, how about school?

You really should mind
your own business.

Don't get that stupid
savior look in your eye.

Are you still in love
with them?More than ever.

Then you need to figure a way
to love their life.

I have a gift.
Pumpkin spice.

The official shit candle
of Hawthorne Heights.

Nathan. Nathan, Izzy.
Izzy is also a shrink.

She works with troubled teens
at Directions.

I'm just gonna play it cool
until you tell me

I'm definitely not
getting this job.

You are definitely
not getting this job.

I'm just gonna call 911.

Jack. Izzy.

Emma.

♪♪

Hi. Excuse me.
Nope, not you.

Hi. Excuse me. Hi.

Um, we -- Our, um, wife
was admitted earlier tonight.

Right, and before you go,
like, "Ourwife?"

her name is Emma Trakarsky.Yeah.

And she's a beautif--
-Hey!

Where the hell
have you two been?!

My -- My ringer was off,
and I didn't quite hear the --

Yeah, and my phone
was also kind of on the...

It was --
...on the brink.

You know,
this is so typical.

The shit gets real,
and Mama's left

to handle everything
on her own, right?

You got to live large
in the spotlight,

and we toil away in anonymity,

Emma making not one,
but two humans,

and me just holding
the whole damn world together

while Dave can't even remember

what city
he's lounging around in.

I mean, honestly,
would it be so terrible

if he just choked
on his room-service prime rib?

You know, not to death,
because I love him...Mm. No, no.

...but enough so that the EMTs
just have to kick in the door

and then they find some
weird porn paused on the TV,

and they put on Instagram.

Would that be
so fucking terrible?!

-Carmen. Is Emma okay?
-Who?

Oh, yeah, she's fine.
Babies are fine.

[ Both sigh ]I'm gonna go now.

Where -- Should we follow you,
or...Okay, but is she --
Is she -- Is she...

Emma, are you okay?

Oh, guys, I'm so embarrassed.Does it hurt? What's going on?

No, no, no. It was just gas.
It was gas.

It's -- I'm -- I'm fine.
Where were you guys?Hey.

You know, it's like you fell
off the edge of the earth.

We were at, uh...

At a class.
Mm-hmm.

For home --
home improvement.

Uh-huh. A class?

Uh, yep.
Ah.

You know how, um,
I wanna be handier

around the house,
like my dad?Uh-huh.

Well, turns out
I'm going through

a mild identity crisis...

Oh....which is very common
for guys

who are approaching
parenthood and middle age

at the same time.

You smell like --

Alcohol.

Good nose.Yes.

They were serving it there.

They -- You know what?
Sometimes they, uh --

You know how at cooking classes
they serve wine? Similar.

Mm-hmm.No, no, it smells
more like, um --

Bourbon? Right?

I was gonna say that
before you interrupted...Do we?

...because I wasn't done.

We've been talking about this
not-interrupting thing, right?

Have we? Ah.Look, the bottom line

is that we didn't
learn anything

that we could
actually demonstrate.

If you were to ask.You've been House Catting me.

House Catting?House Catting me.

You know, like, when the house
cat gets away for the weekend,

runs with the strays,
and comes back

a guilty, matted mess
spinning tall tales.

That's you two right now.

I don't know about cats
t-telling tales.

Guys, just where were you?
Just tell me where you were.

Shaun's new bar.Shaun's new bar.

See, now, was that so hard?
A little honesty?

Sorry.
Sorry.

So, here's the thing:
I'm totally fine.

It was a false alarm.
I got a clean bill of health.

You know, damn the luck.

It happened in the middle
of my interview.

No, Emma, I'm sorry.Yes.

No, no, no. It's fine,
because I totally rocked it.

[ Clears throat ]

Dr. Bhang, how long
have you been standing there?

Long enough to hear
that torrent of bullshit.

The only words you got right
were the ones

that don't matter,
like "she" and "the."

Your wife had what's called
Braxton-Hicks contractions.

Which, I assume, is not
the technical term for gas?

So I left a few things out.

What, you wanna tell me
a little more

about
your drunk-handyman class?

Anyway, Braxton-Hicks
isn't unusual at this stage,

but your symptoms were more
pronounced than I'd like to see.

Oh, my God. Is it serious?Not this time,

But at your age with twins,

I'd like to keep
an eye on things.

So watch out for bleeding

and take it easy
for a little while.

This is your body's way
of saying "slow down."

But when you say it's my body's
way of saying "slow down,"

you mean, like --Slow. Down.

-Got it.
-Doc.

At what stage of pregnancy are
tranquilizer darts acceptable?

I neither heard that
nor told you

that they're readily
available at most outdoor-
sporting-goods stores.

I like her.
She's funny.

Man: Today, we are going to show
everything you need to know

to get your slippery shelf
locked and loaded

and ready to store shit.

Hey, babe.
How'd you sleep?

Like a rock.
What's he doing?

It's very entertaining.Hm.

Voilà. [ Chuckles ]

Take notes, ladies.
That is how you hang a cab--

Aah!
-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my...
-Jesus! What the...

He didn't scream
the first seven times.

It's still hanging.It looks great.

Hey, babe,
why don't you just ask Gabe?

He's good at this stuff.Call Gabe?

Yeah, the real fucking man?

The one
who got my dad's toolbox?

Things would have been different
if I got the toolbox, right?

Maybe he would have been
the one

with the bleached hair
and the eyeliner.

[ Chuckles ]

Wait.
Did that actually happen?

Yes.
Are there photographs?
Guys, wait.

Wait, no. Emma. Emma.Honey -- Honey,
I-I got -- I got it.

I got it. I got it.Thank you.

Please sit down.
You don't need to --

Please, sit down.
-Okay, there is

a razor-thin line
between sweet and creepy...Here.

...and you two
are skating on it.

Emma.Look, I'm fine. You don't need
to mummify me in Bubble Wrap.

Emma, the doctor said that
you are "moderate to high risk."

That is a big deal.Okay, well, so I won't BASE jump
or fight crime.

Here.Oh, my God. Shoo.

Go already, guys, okay?You just need
a little vitamin C.

Look, I have much to do.

Need quiet. Please.

Like what?Yeah. Like what?

[ Sighs ] Well, I have decided
to turn all offers down...

"All" offers?Did -- Did we miss some?

...and start my own
architectural-consulting firm

from home.

Well, don't all jump
up and down at once.

Uh...now, Iz --

Honey, the doctor just said you
were supposed to take it easy.

Oh, my God, babe, this is
exactly why I said it was gas.

Okay, shoo, both of you.

I can't just lay around
incubating

our offspring all day.

I-I -- I'm still me.

I'm still
Emma Goddamn Trakarsky,

Slayer of Worlds!

[ Both chuckle ]

Please?

[ Both chuckle ]

Okay, just be careful.

We love you,
Emma Goddamn Trakarsky.

[ All chuckle ]

Mm.
Okay, get out of here.

Go, dorks.

Sometimes I swear
it's like she can't stand

being in the same room
as me.

You know what I mean?I do. I really, really do.

[ Pills rattle ]

And -- And -- And I ask her
if she wants to talk,

and she says
that my voice is like nails

on the chalkboard
of her soul.

Are you okay?

Mm. That's horrible.

Sorry. Listen, Billy --Barry.

Um [Chuckles]
I'm gonna do you a solid, okay,

and rip off the Band-Aid:

Maybe today, maybe tomorrow,
maybe next month --

I don't know --
but she's gonna dump you.

So just salvage whatever's
left of your dignity

and beat her to it.But --

Ship's sailed, Benny.
Trust me.

Am I your first patient?Fourth.

You're my fourth session
of five hundred that I need

to get certified so I can sit
in rooms like this,

listening to people
like you for the...

rest of my life.

♪♪

Hi.

Hello?

Mm.

♪♪

Are you --
Are you leaving?

Brian, I quit.

It's Barry.

Wow. This outfit

is [Pops lips] amazing!

Where did you get it?

Okay, but, seriously, I have
a question. Can I borrow it?

So funny, but I probably
make more than you do.

That's fair.

Perks of working
for The Man.

I guess so.The downside is that my life

is now a very strange,
leafy nightmare

from which I can never wake.Mm.

Do you know that song
about broken wings

and learning
to live so free?
♪ So

Yes, I hear that
nine times per shift.

Nine.

Hey, maybe they're testing
interrogation techniques.

Do you feel compelled
to confess anything?

This job
and living with Grams

makes me nostalgic
for homelessness.

Mm!
That bad, huh?

I'm mostly kidding.

What about, oh --
I don't know -- school?

What about it?

Sasha.
Hmm?

You made a blood pact
that you would get your diploma.

[ Chuckles ]
There was blood?

I don't remember that.I don't mean to get heavy,

but what you do now determines
the rest of your life.

So...
Wow.

Thanks for not getting heavy.You're welcome.

At the time I got right,
it was too late in the semester.

Plus, I, um...

[ Sighs ]

I called the admissions chick
a soulless shit sculpture.

She seemed less helpful
after that.

That's shocking.
[ Chuckles ]

Oh, what about
yourfuture?

Gotta wear shades, man.
Yeah?

Yes.
Yeah, well,

seems like you're not really
an equal partner

in your weird little triad

working part-time
at the teen daycare.

That's a job for bleeding
hearts who don't pay bills.

That's valid.

What about
that Hawthorne School gig?

Uh, yeah, no,
that's not happening.

I did everything except barf
in that dude's shoes, so...

I'm thinking you've overcome
worse first impressions.

That's nice.Mm-hmm.

Oh, God.
What?

What is that?
What?

That is the savior look.

No, no. That's not.No.

You misunderstood.
Stop staring at me.

Look. Oh, no.

Cleanup on "Aisle you need
to go back to school."

[ Future Kings of Denmark's
"It's a New Day in Your World"
plays ]

♪ You never know
how you're gonna feel ♪

♪ Before you know you're blue

♪ You never know
when you're gonna need ♪[ Sighs ]

♪ A friend to see you through

♪ It's a new day in your world Man:
[ Speaking indistinctly ]

♪ Make the most
of what you find out there ♪

♪ Not a blue day in your world What do we have here?

♪ All the colors flying,
everyone else dares ♪

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

♪♪

Hey, I just wanted
to, uh, check on you

before I head
to the magazine.

Oh, Carm, that's really sweet,
but I'm --

Hey, you scared me.
Just don't do that again, okay?

You sure you're okay?
Yes.

You're one-hundred percent?Yeah.

Nothing holding you back?I'm fine.

Okay! You can watch my kids.Whoa! Hold up, hold up.

Carm, look, you know I love you
and I love the girls,

but I'm starting a business,
and as you said, verbatim,

"Trying to watch kids
and start a business

is the saddest clown show
ever."

Ah, sweetie.

Why -- Why start a business
right before you have twins?

So I don't lose my shit.

[ Sighs ]
Am I gonna suck at this?

Absolutely.
[ Chuckles ]

But then you'll get better.

And then, one day,
you'll wake up and realize

that being an amazing mom
quietly became

a big part
of who you are.

Part of Emma.

Mm.
Thank you.

[ Footsteps in distance ]

You're looking at something
over my shoulder, aren't you?Mm.

The new neighbors.

Oh, yeah,
that's Marty and Will.

They moved here
from Hillsboro.

God, their kid is cute.
-What, so it's true?

We have gays?
We have gays!

Yeah, well,
maybe don't lead with that.

♪♪

Hey! If you can run
that fast,

you can easily watch
my kids.

Hi. Hello.
Hi. I'm -- Whew!

I'm Emma Trakarsky.Hey.

I live next door
with my husband and my wife,

because I'm poly,
which means I'm bi, so, hi.

It's lovely to meet you,
Polly.

-What? Oh, no, no, no.
-Wait.

Emma: My name is Emma. I w--
I was just telling you

I'm polyamorous.Please excuse her.

She's just super-duper
double pregnant,

and it's making her
peculiar.

Oh, okay, well, I'm Marty,
and this is my husband, Will.

Hi. And who's
this handsome little guy?

I love children.
I'm kind of known for it.

Ehh, are you really?

Oh, this is Parker.

He's four
and, apparently, really shy.

My husband says everyone
named Parker is a winner.

Are you a winner, Parker?!
[ Chuckles ]

He's a winner.
Don't worry.

Weird.
I'm gonna go to work, so...Yeah.

I ju-- I just want
to say how great it is

to have another "alt" family
in the neighborhood.

I mean, being polyamorous,
I-I know the challenges,

but love is love,
and family's family, right?Yeah.

Anyway, um,
I'm just over there

if you need anything at all.
-Is that a threat?

Well, that's enough relating
for today.

Come along.
Bye, guys.

Bye. [ Chuckles ]
Bye.

What the hell
was that all about?We'll call you. I don't know.

We're the Gaydashians, honey.
Just milk it while it lasts.

♪♪

Ohh, help me stave off
the avalanche

of terror and hopelessness.

Amnesia on the rocks,
coming up.

So, I'm sensing that
you've got a tale to tell.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I walked in,
I quit,

I walked out, the end.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh. Yikes. Okay.

Well...

...this should do
the trick.

Good.

[ Coughing ]

Ooh! [ Laughs ]
That is a day changer.

Yeah, don't ask what's in it.Oh, man.

I spent eight of
my Best Ass Years

slaving away
to get my doctorate,

and all I learned is that
I loathe listening to people

whine about their problems.Oh.

Well, that's, um...

That's certainly a --
a, um --

What do you think that is?

You know, instead of listening
to a bunch of cray-crays

go on and on, trying
to figure it out themselves,

why can't I just cut to the
chase and tell 'em what to do,

and if they don't do it,
they get shocked?

Yeah.
Yeah.

[ Scoffs ]
I'm so fucked.

Uh...

you like telling people
what to do.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Why not do that
right here?

You dole out the advice,
I dole out the drinks.

It's the perfect hook
for this place.

And -- And --
And we can get you a sign

that says "the doctor's in,"
like Lucy van Pelt.

Well, she is by far
my favorite Peanut.

See?
It's -- It's -- It's destiny.

You'd really do that for me?

Babe, it's win/win.
Yeah.

Mm.

[ Both chuckle ]

You see, I got a mind
to take your innocence

right here on this bar.Aww.

Well, there's no one
I'd rather have deflower me,

but I thought we were waiting
for the right time.

♪♪

Oh, the right time's
right now?

The right time is now?!
Yeah.

Oh!

Okay, what the hell
just happened?

I call it "sex."

Mnh-mnh.
No, no, no, no.

No, three little letters
cannot house that experience.

What the fuck are you --

some kind
of undercover fuck ninja?

I lost count.

I never lose count,

in case I need
to complain later.

Sure. It was four.

I'm sorry.

I must have been overexcited
'cause fi-- five is my par.

God, I don't what is yet,
but something about this is bad.

It's very, very bad.

Well, j-just give me a second.
I can -- I can go for five.

Give me -- Give me a minute.

[ Men crying ]

♪♪

[ Breathes deeply ]

♪♪

[ Bone crack ]Aah! Aah! Oh!

Ah, shit!

Ohh!You're getting it, man.

Yes.

♪♪

Okay.

So, um, what did
you release in Grief Yoga?

No, I'm pretty sure
that wasn't me.

It was that skinny vegan guy
in the burlap clothes.

♪♪

Oh, fuck!

What the fuck?
Is that what I think it is?

Yeah, or, uh, maca root tea
and organic vinegar?

It's animal urine,
is what what it is.

[ Sniffs ]
It's, like, feline

based on the bottom notes
of fish and rat.

It's an amazing cleanse,
you know,

and it -- And it evens out

your, uh, testosterone
production, and --Okay, you know what?
Stop. Just stop.

What has to happen to a guy

to make him want to pay
to drink cat piss?

Um, she cheated on me.

Yeah, that --
With my brother.

Ooh.

Over Thanksgiving
at my parents' house.

Wow.
That happens in real life?

Yeah.

I found her
in my childhood bedroom

giving thanks
to my brother's penis.

[ Snickers ]

I'm s--
[ Clears throat ]

That is -- That is awful.
I'm s-- That is --

Then it got ugly.

Thenit got ugly?Yeah.

I can't wait to hear
what's worse.

Yeah, I, uh --
I forgave her,

you know,
begged her to stay,

and -- and -- and, like,

you know, not like,
"Please stay."

It -- It was -- It was --
I beg-begged.

Ooh.
Really begged.

Like, there were --
There were tears.

On -- On -- On her shoes.
Mm.

Yeah, so...You're right. It didget worse.

Yeah.

So now, you know,

my -- my ex-wife is --
is -- is my sister-in-law.

And I'm just trying
to purify myself, you know,

maybe become perfect
so that -- so that someday

someone might love me
or something.

Dude. Geez.

Nathan, I wish I could say
something, you know, better,

m-more inspirational,
but I'm really sorry, man.

That's awful.Yeah.

Thank you.

Ooh, you're going right in
for the cat piss again, huh?

♪♪

[ Sighing ] Ugh.

[ Groans ]Marty: Welcome. Hey.

Thank you for coming by.

No, no, no, no.
It's okay, it's okay.

No, yeah. There's a bottle open
on the table.

Yeah, just go on in.

[ Children laughing ]Hey! Look at you.

[ Speaks indistinctly ]
Okay, sure. That's awesome.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

Doing real good.
Hey, bud.

Give me a high five?

Oh, my God!
Thank you!

[ Cellphone clicks, dialing ]

[ Cellphone ringing, vibrating ]

Oh, about time.

Are you coming to get them,
or should I bring them to you?

Question: What's going on
at Will and Marty's house?

It looks like
they're having a big party

with all the neighborhood
housewives and kids.

Carmen:
Oh, that's Binge Club.Binge Club?

Yeah, it's something
they did back in Hillsboro.

All the stay-at-home parents
meet up at Marty's

and take turns
watching the kids,

and then when you're not
on duty, you get adult time

bingeing the latest
and greatest TV shows.

Well, why wasn't I invited?Well, there's no president, Em.

Nothing whatsoever to conquer.What's that supposed to mean?

Well, plus, you'd hate
the show they're watching.

It's "Who We Are."

Ugh, that sappy soap that
teaches us "what really matters"

by metaphorically
drowning kittens till we cry?

Yep, that's --
that's the one.

Oh, how could anyone watch
that manipulative shit?

Don't they have anything better
to do with their time?

Speaking of,
one of us has a job.

You are horrible.

Ah, love you, too.
Bye.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Theme song plays]

[ Man vocalizing]

Ugh.

[ Keyboard clacks, music stops ]

Four bars in, and I've
already lost 20 I.Q. points.

Marty: Who's ready?

Binge Club in the house!

[ Laughter ]

What?

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

[ Dramatic music plays]

[ Crying ] Hormones.

It's gotta be the hormones.

Nooo!
He can't be dead!

[ Sniffles ] I mean,
he literally can't be dead

because he's, like,
all over the preview

for the next episode,
but...still.

Oh, like that?

[ Muffled ]
Always like that.

Oh.

Okay, here's what I'm thinking.

Fresh start.
I'm Izzy Silva.

It's --
It's nice to see you again.

Okay, that sounds good.

No, I'm Dr.Izzy Silva.

Nice to meet you again.

Do you like that?

[ Dog whines ]Is that -- Oh. Hello.

-Izzy.
-Hi.

What are you doing here?

[ Breathes deeply ]
Fresh start.

I'm Izzy Silva.
Uh, wait.

I'm -- I'm Dr.Izzy Silva.

Yeah, the girl
with the vape

and the booze
and the insults

and the holier-than-thou
attitude.

That was playtime Izzy.

This is
very serious Izzy.

I want the job.

Helping entitled rich kids
with their faux damage?

I'm good at what I do.

See this stack over here?

I added mine.
Mine's on top.

Okay, well, they're all good
at what they do,

and they're more qualified.Qualified. I've heard.

You're not gonna
make this easy, are you?

Why would I?

Okay. Well...

A kid asked me to sign this
on the way in,

which means they thought
I might be a student,

and now I'm very, very much
in love with them.

"Them"?
Yeah, stay tuned.

So, turns out that the
non-binary student collective

is gearing up to protest
unless you start providing

gender-neutral
bathroom alternatives.

[ Breathes sharply ]
Rough.

Wait. What?
We settled this last year.

Trans kids are welcome
to use any bathroom they wish.

Dude.

What?

Non-binary
is not the same as trans.

I knew that.

Didyou?

I didn't know that.
No.

Look, you tell anyone,
and I will deny it.

I won't.Look, I just -- I fell behind

on -- on all the initials
and the acronyms and...

Well, it sounds like, to me,

that you need
an LGBTQIA-plus specialist,

and I just happen
to be pansexual,

or so they tell me.

So I'm very well-versed.

Fine.

Really?Wait.

But it is probational
for one month,

and then we evaluate.

Amazing.
Thank you so much.

Oh, I have one condition.

I hope it's psoriasis

because you literally
have no leverage.

Um, I just need you
to admit one student.

Her name is Sasha,
and she was homeless

up until two months ago,

but she couldn't go
to the public school.

Um, she's amazing.

Okay, I'll, uh --
I'll tell you what.

I'll try to put in
for a recommendation.

Oh, she'll start right away.

Thank you.

[ Chuckling ] Yeah.

I appreciate it.

All right, see ya.

See ya.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Lid clanks ]

♪♪

Polly? [ Chuckles ]

Why are you giving me
your mail?

Why didn't you invite me?

Wh-- Oh!
Oh, I get it.

You think it's because
you're tightly wound

and a little bit scary.

No, that's --
that's not what I think.

Is that what youthink?

Yeah, a little,
but, actually, the main reason

is because you don't have
any children.

Well --Like, out-vitro children.

Yeah, but --
Do you?

Have any kids that
aren't inside your belly?

Yeah.

Okay, bye.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

Fuck.

Nina: What are
you actually doing down there?

Well, I call it "work."

What are
you actually doing up there?

Eh, not so much.
Just pondering.

I'm gonna spend the rest
of my life paying student loans

for a career
that spanned three days.

Fascinating, right?

Well, I'm not a therapist,

but I did make it through
all twelve steps,

which makes me
insufferably wise.

May I?
Knock yourself out.

This, uh -- This career
that you just quit,

it's kind
of like a pie-eating contest.

It's really not.
At all.

But good effort, Izzy's dad.Yeah.

You just spent
the past eight years

eating as much pie
as you possibly could,

shoveling it down,

spending all of your money
buying more pies,

going into pie debt,
but you just kept on going

because you didn't know
what else to do.

And, finally, one day,
you eat the last pie.

Yay!

You won the pie-eating contest!
It's great.

And then
they wheel in your prize

on one
of those big dollies.

Can you guess what it is?

I agreed to a story,Ben,
not a riddle.

More pie.

A shit ton
of fucking pie.

That's what you got for
winning the pie-eating contest.

I hate pie.Yeah.

I-I think
maybe I always hated pie.

Yeah.

So why keep eating it?

Well, I --

Fear? Obligation?

Other people?

Other people.

I hate them
as much as I hate pie.

There you go.

I wasted eight years.

I doubt that.

♪♪

Hmm. I wondered
what Izzy saw in you.

♪♪

Okay,
it's almost pizza time!

[ Child laughing ]

[ Cellphone ringing, vibrating ]

♪♪

Oh, God damn it, woman.

Quit being such a needy,
selfish little --

Give me you kids. Now!Jesus Christ.

Come on. Go get them.Okay, just --

And any other ones
you find scurrying about.

Go! Go, go, go.

Woman: Be free!

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ When we get together,
everything is better ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ When we get together,
everything is better ♪

Be free!

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ When we get together,
everything is better ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪