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1
00:00:01,218 --> 00:00:03,351
Previously on "You Me Her"...
2
00:00:03,394 --> 00:00:04,656
You did this, Em.
3
00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:07,050
I said I love it,
and I love you.
4
00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:09,183
Sorry, I'm just a little
overwhelmed.
5
00:00:09,226 --> 00:00:10,749
Is it possible that
the amount of "whelm"
6
00:00:10,793 --> 00:00:12,273
that you're feeling
is due in part
7
00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:13,752
to the magazine thing?
8
00:00:13,796 --> 00:00:15,145
You think you could
call it "the magazine"
9
00:00:15,189 --> 00:00:16,886
and not
"the magazine thing"?
10
00:00:16,929 --> 00:00:20,107
Woman: Have you guys talked
about some version of childcare?
11
00:00:20,150 --> 00:00:22,457
We're more talking about
talking about it.
12
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,459
Men suck.
That's my thesis.
13
00:00:24,502 --> 00:00:26,243
Mm-hmm, okay.
Jot this one down --
14
00:00:26,287 --> 00:00:27,897
uh, we're confused.
15
00:00:27,940 --> 00:00:30,334
The vexing plight
of the millennial male.
16
00:00:30,378 --> 00:00:32,075
It is our two-month
anniversary.
17
00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:33,816
The things I'm gonna to do
to you when we get home.
18
00:00:33,859 --> 00:00:36,993
Oh, what a shame. I don't
sleep with married women.
19
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,603
Uh, so this is
a bit awkward,
20
00:00:38,647 --> 00:00:41,084
but you postponed
the last two scheduled signings,
21
00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:43,391
and I just wanna make sure
that we're still on for Monday.
22
00:00:43,434 --> 00:00:46,089
Cool.
Cool, cool, coolio.
23
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:48,091
You seriously need to stop
worrying about the Trakarskies
24
00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:49,658
and start sorting
your own shit.
25
00:00:49,701 --> 00:00:51,703
-You saw your dad? How was that?
-Hey there, peanut.
26
00:00:51,747 --> 00:00:53,314
Go the fuck away.
27
00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:55,925
I texted Emma that Jack and I
would be out of the loft
28
00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:57,492
all day so she can come
deal with all the shit
29
00:00:57,535 --> 00:00:58,362
that we've been storing.
30
00:00:58,406 --> 00:01:00,886
-Hey.
-Hey.
31
00:01:00,930 --> 00:01:06,979
♪♪
32
00:01:07,023 --> 00:01:13,073
♪♪
33
00:01:13,116 --> 00:01:14,726
Izzy said you
wouldn't be here.
34
00:01:14,770 --> 00:01:16,685
Oh, you talked to Izzy?
35
00:01:16,728 --> 00:01:18,556
Yeah, she texted me,
said you'd both be gone
36
00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,777
so I could deal with all
my shit you've been storing.
37
00:01:21,820 --> 00:01:25,346
See, she, uh --
she left a key.
38
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:29,741
Okay, could you guys
give us some, uh...
39
00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:32,309
When did they leave?
[ Chuckles ]
40
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,796
[ Chuckles ]
41
00:01:40,839 --> 00:01:42,841
Well, I have a question.Oh, good,
42
00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:45,844
'cause another 10 seconds
of this excruciating silence,
43
00:01:45,888 --> 00:01:47,846
and I was gonna fake
an aneurysm.
44
00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:50,806
[ Laughs ]
45
00:01:50,849 --> 00:01:54,375
Ah. Um, did Izzy not
know you'd be here?
46
00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:57,682
Of course she knew
I'd be here. I...
47
00:01:57,726 --> 00:01:59,119
Oh.
48
00:01:59,162 --> 00:02:01,425
Did we just get
"Parent Trapped"?
49
00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:02,774
Apparently.
50
00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:04,559
Why would she do that?
51
00:02:04,602 --> 00:02:07,692
I think she wants us
to scream
52
00:02:07,736 --> 00:02:09,303
and throws things at each other,
53
00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:10,739
like I need that to move on.
54
00:02:10,782 --> 00:02:12,219
Well, do you need that?
55
00:02:12,262 --> 00:02:14,569
'Cause you can lob something
right at my head.
56
00:02:14,612 --> 00:02:16,397
No.
57
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,094
I'm good.
58
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:22,881
We're good. Me and Izzy.
59
00:02:22,925 --> 00:02:26,885
Um, I actually have
a pretty packed schedule.
60
00:02:26,929 --> 00:02:28,931
I got a lot of errands
to run, just so you know.
61
00:02:28,974 --> 00:02:30,759
What? On a Saturday?
62
00:02:30,802 --> 00:02:33,153
After watching basketball
and drinking beer?
63
00:02:33,196 --> 00:02:34,850
Well, that's new.
64
00:02:34,893 --> 00:02:37,896
Mm, it's all-new, Em.
65
00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:39,637
Everything.
66
00:02:39,681 --> 00:02:42,684
Hm. So you really are good,
the two of you?
67
00:02:42,727 --> 00:02:45,991
You're happy?
68
00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:50,648
I love her more than
I ever thought possible.
69
00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:52,389
Aww.
70
00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:54,478
That's awesome.
71
00:02:54,522 --> 00:02:57,089
That really makes me happy.
72
00:02:57,133 --> 00:03:06,186
♪♪
73
00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:07,970
Augh!
74
00:03:08,013 --> 00:03:10,233
Well, what am I supposed to do?
You won't answer my calls.
75
00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:11,930
Uh, maybe stop calling?
76
00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:13,193
Aw, come on, peanut.
77
00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:14,542
I told you not
to call me that.
78
00:03:14,585 --> 00:03:16,631
-Let's not --
-How did you find me?
79
00:03:16,674 --> 00:03:17,719
Your mom.
80
00:03:17,762 --> 00:03:18,894
Mom?
Yeah.
81
00:03:18,937 --> 00:03:20,765
Mom told you where I live?
82
00:03:20,809 --> 00:03:25,117
Yeah, she did.
She thinks we should talk.
83
00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:27,946
Isabelle. [ Sighs ]
84
00:03:27,990 --> 00:03:29,731
Did I invite you to
my side of the street?
85
00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:31,689
No, I didn't.
Go away!
86
00:03:31,733 --> 00:03:34,039
Well, I'm not gonna...
[ Sighs ]
87
00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:35,084
I'm sober.
88
00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:36,651
Can't say the same.
89
00:03:36,694 --> 00:03:38,479
Just downed a couple medicinal
bloodies to even out.
90
00:03:38,522 --> 00:03:41,177
You know what I'm saying?
Never mind. I know you do.
91
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:45,268
No. I don't mean right now.
I mean I'm sober.
92
00:03:45,312 --> 00:03:50,534
[ Sighs ]
93
00:03:50,578 --> 00:03:51,796
Really?
94
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:54,277
Yep.
95
00:03:54,321 --> 00:03:55,670
How long?
96
00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:57,106
Little over a year.
97
00:03:57,149 --> 00:03:58,673
Wow.
98
00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:00,675
Only 26 years too late.
99
00:04:00,718 --> 00:04:04,592
[ Sighs ]
100
00:04:04,635 --> 00:04:08,552
-Traffic okay?
-Uh, yeah, I used this app.
101
00:04:08,596 --> 00:04:10,728
Left at precisely
the optimal time
102
00:04:10,772 --> 00:04:13,949
to minimize both departure
and arrival, so...
103
00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:16,038
Wow.
104
00:04:16,081 --> 00:04:18,649
I know. Amazing.
105
00:04:18,693 --> 00:04:22,174
What's it called?
106
00:04:22,218 --> 00:04:24,394
Um, I don't know
off the top of my head,
107
00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:25,874
but I could get my phone.
108
00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:27,615
Actually, I couldn't care less.
[ Chuckles ]
109
00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:30,574
Just couldn't think of
anything else to say.
110
00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:32,489
So, how's everything else
going with you?
111
00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:34,317
I mean, aside from being
more in love
112
00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:35,840
than you ever
thought possible.
113
00:04:35,884 --> 00:04:37,886
Well, it'd be
easier for me
114
00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:39,496
to make a list
of the parts of my body
115
00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,759
that don't ache from all
the dancing I've been doing.
116
00:04:41,803 --> 00:04:47,461
Like, my hair and...
that's about it actually.
117
00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:48,940
You -- You dance now?
118
00:04:48,984 --> 00:04:51,334
Oh, yeah. Publicly.
119
00:04:51,378 --> 00:04:53,336
And we're on
the highly-unrecommended
120
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:55,860
vodka, pot,
and delivery food diet.
121
00:04:55,904 --> 00:04:58,080
[ Chuckles ]
122
00:04:58,123 --> 00:05:00,648
But I get to wake up
every morning, look at her,
123
00:05:00,691 --> 00:05:03,912
and fall in love all over again,
so there's that.
124
00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:08,090
Huh. Mm-hmm.
125
00:05:08,133 --> 00:05:10,962
So, how's, uh, things
with what's-her-name?
126
00:05:11,006 --> 00:05:12,703
Smiley?
127
00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:13,530
Wiley?
128
00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:14,575
Kylie.
129
00:05:14,618 --> 00:05:15,445
Kylie.
130
00:05:15,489 --> 00:05:17,229
[ Chuckles ]
131
00:05:17,273 --> 00:05:18,535
She is awesome.
132
00:05:18,579 --> 00:05:19,710
Mm.
133
00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:21,233
"Smiley," really?
134
00:05:21,277 --> 00:05:23,192
That's a name.
Yeah?
135
00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:24,933
Totally gonna name
my first-born daughter
136
00:05:24,976 --> 00:05:26,238
"Smiley Jane Trakarksy."
137
00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:27,718
Yeah, assuming you want her
138
00:05:27,762 --> 00:05:29,459
to grow up to be
a deformed comic-book villain.
139
00:05:29,503 --> 00:05:31,113
[ Chuckles ]
140
00:05:31,156 --> 00:05:35,204
♪♪
141
00:05:35,247 --> 00:05:38,294
So, the lesbian thing
is working out for you?
142
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,993
Um, it is -- it is --
it is going very well.
143
00:05:42,037 --> 00:05:47,042
Thank you for asking.
144
00:05:47,085 --> 00:05:48,565
Can we take a second
just to acknowledge
145
00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:50,001
how weird
this conversation is?
146
00:05:50,045 --> 00:05:51,568
I mean, did you ever
imagine that --
147
00:05:51,612 --> 00:05:53,875
No, Em.
148
00:05:53,918 --> 00:05:56,225
This is not what
I imagined.
149
00:05:56,268 --> 00:05:58,096
At all.
150
00:05:58,140 --> 00:05:59,576
Yeah.
151
00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:02,753
Can you give me five minutes
without storming off?
152
00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:07,671
[ Sighs ]
Okay, four?
153
00:06:07,715 --> 00:06:10,805
I'm getting my shit
together, Isabelle.
154
00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:13,808
I'm here for a pretty major
construction project.
155
00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:16,593
I'm managing a bigger crew
than I ever have before.
156
00:06:16,637 --> 00:06:18,639
It's "Izzy."
Don't call me "Isabelle."
157
00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:22,120
Right, Izzy. I'm not bragging.
I'm just saying I've changed.
158
00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:24,732
Here's a thought -- what if
you gave up the bottle too late
159
00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:26,386
and you just suddenly die
right in front of me
160
00:06:26,429 --> 00:06:27,996
and that's why you're here --
karmic justice?
161
00:06:28,039 --> 00:06:29,258
[ Laughs ]
162
00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:30,781
I'm imagining you
dropping dead.
163
00:06:30,825 --> 00:06:32,130
Why are you laughing?
164
00:06:32,174 --> 00:06:33,741
Because you're funny
when you try to be mean.
165
00:06:33,784 --> 00:06:35,743
Oh, my God.
166
00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:39,486
Uh, it's mid-Swedish
modernalism.Mm, nope.
167
00:06:39,529 --> 00:06:42,793
"Mid-Swedish" isn't a thing,
and "modernalism" isn't a word.
168
00:06:42,837 --> 00:06:46,623
Mm, my original
Jorgen Erikson --
169
00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:48,451
the first furniture
acquisition
170
00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:51,976
I could honestly refer to
as a piece.
171
00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:54,109
It was way more than we
could afford. [Chuckles]
172
00:06:54,152 --> 00:06:56,372
Yeah, we had to sleep on
a mattress on the floor
173
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,852
for six months
so you could buy that.
174
00:06:57,895 --> 00:06:59,941
No, we slept on a mattress
for six months
175
00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:02,770
because you couldn't figure out
how to build the IKEA bed frame.
176
00:07:02,813 --> 00:07:05,990
As I recall,
neither could the architect.
177
00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:08,950
Pretty sure the Swedes
are fucking with us.
178
00:07:10,952 --> 00:07:12,475
I haven't
looked through this stuff.
179
00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:15,043
Are you sure
this is all yours?
180
00:07:15,086 --> 00:07:21,963
♪♪
181
00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:29,536
♪♪
182
00:07:29,579 --> 00:07:32,974
Alex: Okay, so, I stuck
my widget in your launch pad.
183
00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:35,019
Whoa! He stuck your what
in my what?
184
00:07:35,063 --> 00:07:36,673
Buy a girl a drink first.
185
00:07:36,717 --> 00:07:39,459
I...you --
the -- [clears throat]
186
00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:40,721
The, uh --
187
00:07:40,764 --> 00:07:42,026
Oh, that's great.
You broke Alex.
188
00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:43,419
Well, you gotta flex
the muscles, babe.
189
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,855
Use 'em or lose 'em.
190
00:07:44,899 --> 00:07:48,076
It's, uh, cloud-based,
and, uh, mm...whew!
191
00:07:48,119 --> 00:07:49,294
[ Chuckles ]
192
00:07:49,338 --> 00:07:51,253
And now he's reverted
to puberty.
193
00:07:51,296 --> 00:07:53,429
So we can
all access the files,
194
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,518
and we can see the layout
in progress,
195
00:07:55,562 --> 00:07:58,521
get notes on the page
like...this.
196
00:07:58,565 --> 00:08:01,785
Oh, God, Alex,
you're amazing.
197
00:08:01,829 --> 00:08:06,094
Th-Thank you so much.
[ Chuckles ]
198
00:08:06,137 --> 00:08:08,444
Oh, uh, hey, Carmen.
199
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,141
When did --
When did you get here?
200
00:08:10,185 --> 00:08:11,708
[ Door opens, closes ]Unbelievable.
201
00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:13,667
Hey, Carm.
202
00:08:13,710 --> 00:08:14,668
Hey.
203
00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,583
Hey. Hey, Hannah.
204
00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:19,803
Oh, you got a little,
uh...adolescent male
on your shirt there.
205
00:08:19,847 --> 00:08:22,327
Oh, Alex works for
the printing company.
206
00:08:22,371 --> 00:08:23,546
He's 24.
207
00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,635
-Great.
-People are still 24?
208
00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:27,942
And you're doing earmuffs on him
like he's some sort of child.
209
00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:30,161
That's great. Do you guys have
an HR department yet, or...?
210
00:08:30,205 --> 00:08:32,163
-Mnh-mnh.
-I don't mind. [ Chuckles ]
211
00:08:32,207 --> 00:08:34,296
Okay, so, what's wrong?
What's going on?
212
00:08:34,339 --> 00:08:37,517
Thing's kinda went south
pretty fast over there.
213
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,257
Like, Deep South.
Like Alabama.
214
00:08:39,301 --> 00:08:41,042
Things went Alabama
over there.
215
00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:42,609
I left the house
40 minutes ago.
216
00:08:42,652 --> 00:08:44,567
I know.
It was all very sudden.
217
00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:46,308
I'm gonna go ahead and blame
the uprising on hunger,
218
00:08:46,351 --> 00:08:48,440
because we are literally
out of everything.
219
00:08:48,484 --> 00:08:50,312
Hey. Why don't you and I
take a break?
220
00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:51,574
Give this two some space.
221
00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:53,402
For sure. Absolutely.
[ Chuckles ]
222
00:08:53,445 --> 00:08:57,014
-Bye.
-Bye...Alex.
223
00:08:57,058 --> 00:08:59,582
He only intermittently
knows I exist,
224
00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:01,628
but he melts into a puddle
every time Hannah speaks.
225
00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:04,108
Can we get back to
the Amari famine of 2018 please?
226
00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:06,371
Right. Right, okay,
well, listen close,
227
00:09:06,415 --> 00:09:09,374
because this is incredibly
useful information.
228
00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:12,464
There are these large,
regulated establishments
229
00:09:12,508 --> 00:09:14,597
filled with every type of food
you can possibly imagine,
230
00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:16,164
and if you
can't find something,
231
00:09:16,207 --> 00:09:18,775
kindly Samaritans with
name tags will guide you.
232
00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:20,124
That's very clever.
233
00:09:20,168 --> 00:09:22,344
Now, if I go to
this magical place,
234
00:09:22,387 --> 00:09:24,302
can I leave the kids here?Absolutely not!
235
00:09:24,346 --> 00:09:25,869
Okay, so then,
how does that work?
236
00:09:25,913 --> 00:09:29,090
[ Groaning ]
237
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,353
Oh, you're doing the thing
where you...
238
00:09:31,396 --> 00:09:33,747
wanna say something,
but your mouth is sealed shut,
239
00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:36,445
and your eyebrows
are dancing.
240
00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:38,273
I mean, you've taken
the kids to the store
241
00:09:38,316 --> 00:09:39,622
countless times, right?
242
00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:41,493
Somehow we all keep
coming back alive!
243
00:09:41,537 --> 00:09:43,234
You think I like coming
over here like some
hapless Neanderthal?
244
00:09:43,278 --> 00:09:45,715
I am very disappointed
with myself right now!
245
00:09:45,759 --> 00:09:47,848
This is hard.
246
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,766
Well, that's a start.
247
00:09:52,809 --> 00:09:55,420
Yeah?
248
00:09:55,464 --> 00:09:58,685
Well, what's going on here?
Are you coming home soon-ish?
249
00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:02,166
I will come home when I'm
done-ish, just like you.
250
00:10:02,210 --> 00:10:04,734
Okay.
251
00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:06,475
Mm.
252
00:10:06,518 --> 00:10:08,564
Go to the store
with your children.
253
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,913
Women will swoon.
254
00:10:09,957 --> 00:10:11,436
Intriguing.
255
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:13,047
Trust me.
Super-fucking hot.
256
00:10:13,090 --> 00:10:13,961
All right, go.
Hop to.
257
00:10:14,004 --> 00:10:15,353
Back to work, people!
258
00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:18,966
♪♪
259
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:20,663
Are you gonna do
your ceremonial breath cleaning
260
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:23,144
of a single glass,
or is now a bad time?
261
00:10:23,187 --> 00:10:26,364
Okay, so the experiment's
definitely gonna need
what we call controls.
262
00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:27,931
Yeah, no, I'm familiar
with the concept.
263
00:10:27,975 --> 00:10:29,933
That means we need to keep
a lot of things the same
264
00:10:29,977 --> 00:10:31,892
so that we can accurately
measure the differences
265
00:10:31,935 --> 00:10:33,676
between my test subjects.
266
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,896
Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
267
00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:37,854
Did you just
womansplain me?
268
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,074
Is that too soon?
269
00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:42,424
Way too fuckin' soon.
270
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:44,034
So, I'm thinking that
I should meet all of my dates
271
00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:46,254
the same way and go to
the same place with them.
272
00:10:46,297 --> 00:10:49,344
I was thinking a dating app
and right here,
273
00:10:49,387 --> 00:10:50,954
not too late,
not too early.
274
00:10:50,998 --> 00:10:52,477
Those are the controls.
275
00:10:52,521 --> 00:10:53,653
Right here?
276
00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:55,089
Yeah, you got a problem
with that?
277
00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:57,352
No, no.
Date on, Garth.
278
00:11:00,094 --> 00:11:01,617
Date like nobody's watching',
huh?
279
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,401
Date -- Date
till the cows come home.
280
00:11:03,445 --> 00:11:04,751
Date like...
281
00:11:04,794 --> 00:11:06,970
Did you hit your head on
that same shelf again?
282
00:11:07,014 --> 00:11:08,711
♪♪
283
00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:11,235
Boom! First date's
gonna be tomorrow night.
284
00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:12,715
Okay, well, someone's
a little sure of themselves.
285
00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:14,369
So, one cleavage shot,
286
00:11:14,412 --> 00:11:16,806
and all the men of Portland
are instantly reduced
287
00:11:16,850 --> 00:11:19,679
to horny, right-swiping zombies?
Come on.
288
00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:21,419
[ Cellphone chimes ]
289
00:11:21,463 --> 00:11:22,420
Well, that's just...
290
00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:26,163
[ Cellphone chiming ]
291
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:28,731
Well, co--[ Chiming continues ]
292
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:30,428
I'm sorry.
What did you say?
293
00:11:30,472 --> 00:11:32,648
I-I can't hear you
over the teeming horde
294
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,345
of lustful suitors.
295
00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:36,347
Okay -- The --[ Chiming continues ]
296
00:11:36,391 --> 00:11:39,568
The point is --
How about you --
297
00:11:39,611 --> 00:11:42,310
[ Chiming continues ]
298
00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:44,355
Never mind.
299
00:11:44,399 --> 00:11:46,880
[ Chuckles ] Oh, my God, this
guy's dressed like a wizard.
300
00:11:46,923 --> 00:11:52,059
Shaun, look.
Shaun?
301
00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:53,800
Shaun?
302
00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:55,366
Hmm. Maybe.
303
00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:57,107
[ Birds chirping ]
304
00:11:57,151 --> 00:12:01,111
I don't know about you,
but I could eat.
305
00:12:01,155 --> 00:12:03,026
Um...yeah,
I don't think --
306
00:12:03,070 --> 00:12:04,593
We don't have
anything here, but...
307
00:12:04,636 --> 00:12:06,203
That's fine....we could get delivery
or something?
308
00:12:06,247 --> 00:12:07,552
I'm sorry.
That was a bad idea.
309
00:12:07,596 --> 00:12:11,121
It's not a party.
Let's just, um...
310
00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:12,644
Oh, my God.
Why do we have
311
00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:16,170
23 perfectly-good sets
of ear buds?
312
00:12:16,213 --> 00:12:19,608
And 19 half-burned
holiday candles.
313
00:12:19,651 --> 00:12:21,784
You'd think just once
we would look for leftovers.
314
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:24,308
Can I please light all the
pumpkin spice candles for Izzy?
315
00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:25,527
Best or worst idea ever?
316
00:12:25,570 --> 00:12:26,876
[ Scoffs ]
317
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,313
It's kinda -- Wh-What
does that mean? Huff?
318
00:12:29,357 --> 00:12:32,708
I mean,
what the fuck is that?
319
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:33,753
Are you serious?
320
00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:36,886
Yeah.
321
00:12:36,930 --> 00:12:39,106
Izzy set this up.
It's what she wanted.
322
00:12:39,149 --> 00:12:40,760
You think this is
what she wanted --
323
00:12:40,803 --> 00:12:43,893
for us to continue
not talking about it?
324
00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:48,419
Trade quips about ear buds
and fucking holiday candles?
325
00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:50,944
I was just...trying to --You know what?
326
00:12:50,987 --> 00:12:54,295
We can just have the movers
take the rest of this stuff.
327
00:12:54,338 --> 00:12:57,602
You should go.
328
00:12:57,646 --> 00:13:02,607
♪♪
329
00:13:02,651 --> 00:13:04,261
Okay.
330
00:13:04,305 --> 00:13:10,354
♪♪
331
00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:12,400
Make your amends
and go away already.
332
00:13:12,443 --> 00:13:15,882
Okay, well, I-I called you
when I got my one-month chip
333
00:13:15,925 --> 00:13:17,884
and then my three-month chip
and then my one-year --
334
00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:20,712
I heard the messages.
I just assumed you were lying.
335
00:13:20,756 --> 00:13:22,366
Uh, n-no.
336
00:13:22,410 --> 00:13:24,499
Not to rub it in
or anything.
337
00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:26,283
It's kinda hard
to work construction
338
00:13:26,327 --> 00:13:28,459
if you can't handle the concept
of other people drinking.
339
00:13:28,503 --> 00:13:31,158
Cool, 'cause those bloodies
are starting to wear off,
340
00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:34,596
and this surprise visit of yours
is accelerating my headache.
341
00:13:34,639 --> 00:13:36,641
Guess it's 4:00 somewhere.
342
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:38,643
Are you suggesting that
I'm an alcoholic like you?
343
00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:40,123
No.
344
00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:41,646
You know, you can't just
drop back into my adult life
345
00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:42,865
and parent me.
346
00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:44,867
Okay, fine.
Fine. Understood.
347
00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:46,956
I just want a chance
to be --
348
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:47,914
What?
349
00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:49,437
[ Sighs ] I don't know.
350
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:53,571
Whatever you'll let me be,
I guess.
351
00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:55,095
Well, here's a tip --
352
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:56,836
Don't do the annoying
12-step thing
353
00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:58,228
where everybody
has to get into
354
00:13:58,272 --> 00:14:00,840
the same rickety,
joyless boat as you.
355
00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:02,885
You're right.
What?
356
00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:05,540
I said you're right.
I won't.
357
00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:08,064
Good!
358
00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:12,939
♪♪
359
00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:16,899
You know what?
No.
360
00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:18,292
"No" what?
361
00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:20,294
I'm not leaving.
362
00:14:20,337 --> 00:14:22,644
Oh, and this?
363
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:25,342
This is mine.
364
00:14:25,386 --> 00:14:26,604
What is that?
365
00:14:26,648 --> 00:14:27,997
That is the kind of mix
a guy makes
366
00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:29,781
when he's trying to prove
that he's too cool
367
00:14:29,825 --> 00:14:31,783
to listen to music anyone else
has ever heard of.
368
00:14:31,827 --> 00:14:33,655
Okay, 'cause I originally
got that
369
00:14:33,698 --> 00:14:35,091
from a philosophy
grad assistant
370
00:14:35,135 --> 00:14:36,788
who I dated
for like five minutes.
371
00:14:36,832 --> 00:14:41,881
So, you remixed me, and you
never came clean about it?
372
00:14:41,924 --> 00:14:45,623
Yeah.
That was mybig secret.
373
00:14:47,538 --> 00:14:49,323
Right.
374
00:14:52,239 --> 00:14:56,112
I'm sorry, Jack.
375
00:14:56,156 --> 00:14:58,158
I really am sorry.
376
00:15:09,996 --> 00:15:11,823
You know that was
the only baby gift we got
377
00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:13,869
before the miscarriage?
378
00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:24,924
First time I...
379
00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:27,796
I thought the universe was
trying to tell me something.
380
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:37,414
Izzy's right.
We need to talk.
381
00:15:43,681 --> 00:15:45,422
Yeah.
382
00:15:50,253 --> 00:15:51,646
Could you clear
something up for me?
383
00:15:51,689 --> 00:15:53,169
I mean, it's not big deal.
384
00:15:53,213 --> 00:15:55,171
Just a vexing mystery
of my entire existence.
385
00:15:55,215 --> 00:15:58,087
Yeah, piece of cake.
Shoot.
386
00:15:58,131 --> 00:15:59,828
If you and Mom hated
each other so much,
387
00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:01,482
why did you get married?
388
00:16:01,525 --> 00:16:04,615
We didn't start out
hating each other.
389
00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:07,749
Things got dark
after I lost my job.
390
00:16:07,792 --> 00:16:10,970
That's your excuse?
391
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,623
It had nothing to do
with the excessive drinking
392
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:14,712
or the affairs?
393
00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:17,802
I'm an alcoholic,
and I was a shitty father.
394
00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:20,457
And while I'm laying it
all out there,
395
00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:22,242
your mother and I were
never really in love,
396
00:16:22,285 --> 00:16:23,939
so when things got
a little rough...
397
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:27,421
That's nice....we took it out
on each other.
398
00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:29,075
I only stayed for you.
399
00:16:33,383 --> 00:16:35,081
Well, I guess
you got over me.
400
00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:37,344
Was it the braces?
Zits?
401
00:16:37,387 --> 00:16:41,087
Something I said?
402
00:16:41,130 --> 00:16:43,611
When I left, I-I told
myself that it was
403
00:16:43,654 --> 00:16:45,787
the best thing for you.
404
00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:48,224
But now I realize
that I was just doing
405
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,052
what drunks do
when things get hard.
406
00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:53,969
I ran away.
407
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:59,409
And I know they're just words,
but I need to say them.
408
00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:03,065
I'm sorry.
409
00:17:03,109 --> 00:17:08,027
[ Voice breaking ] And you
will never know how much, Izzy.
410
00:17:08,070 --> 00:17:11,639
♪♪
411
00:17:11,682 --> 00:17:13,728
There's one more stop.
412
00:17:13,771 --> 00:17:20,865
♪♪
413
00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:23,694
Hey. Hi, hi. Hello.
414
00:17:23,738 --> 00:17:26,001
Um, this,
what you're doing --
415
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,568
It's against
FDA rules, okay?
416
00:17:27,611 --> 00:17:29,352
Something about saliva
417
00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:31,572
and the fact that
it's fucking annoying.
418
00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:33,095
Yeah, so if you guys
don't stop immediately,
419
00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:34,662
I'm gonna have to punch you
both in the face,
420
00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:36,185
and I don't wanna.
421
00:17:36,229 --> 00:17:38,883
Sorry.
It's the law, so...
422
00:17:38,927 --> 00:17:40,494
Sorry.
Shaun, what do you want?
423
00:17:40,537 --> 00:17:42,278
I'm not in the mood to be
berated about how little I work.
424
00:17:42,322 --> 00:17:44,454
Okay, for the record,
you basically get paid
425
00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:47,240
to hang around at a bar that
you already hung around at.
426
00:17:47,283 --> 00:17:48,676
Which, saying it out loud,
427
00:17:48,719 --> 00:17:50,504
makes me think that
it's a pretty cool idea.
428
00:17:50,547 --> 00:17:53,681
Hey, and you and your bestie
have violence issues!
429
00:17:53,724 --> 00:17:56,423
Deal with it.
Get a Groupon.
430
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:05,432
What's wrong?
431
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:07,869
Fucker keeps posting
these weird pictures
432
00:18:07,912 --> 00:18:09,653
of him and his dad
somewhere in the woods,
433
00:18:09,697 --> 00:18:11,133
smiling all over
themselves.
434
00:18:11,177 --> 00:18:13,570
Why the hell are they
in the woods all the time?!
435
00:18:13,614 --> 00:18:16,138
Right, I-I'm thinking
it's not so much the woods
436
00:18:16,182 --> 00:18:18,749
as it is
the excessive smiling.
437
00:18:18,793 --> 00:18:19,924
Am I right?
438
00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:22,101
I mean,
how dare he be so happy?
439
00:18:22,144 --> 00:18:24,190
Ow!
You gotta stop doing that!
440
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:26,322
You got these bony,
little knuckles.
441
00:18:26,366 --> 00:18:30,370
Pussy.
Psycho.
442
00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:33,634
Okay.
443
00:18:33,677 --> 00:18:36,419
My best, most logical guess
is that...
444
00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:39,161
clearly a zombie outbreak
has happened
445
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:40,510
somewhere
near Salem, Oregon,
446
00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:42,512
and they've taken
to the woods to survive.
447
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:44,862
And it's all
shits and giggles
448
00:18:44,906 --> 00:18:47,082
for, you know,
dad and son here,
449
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,693
and they're just
shitting and -- and giggling
450
00:18:49,737 --> 00:18:51,695
and building lean-tos
until someone's face
451
00:18:51,739 --> 00:18:54,829
gets eaten off, which...
452
00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:59,312
clearly hasn't happened yet, and
that's why they're there, so...
453
00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:01,140
Mystery solved.
Occam's razor.
454
00:19:01,183 --> 00:19:02,706
You're welcome. Next.
455
00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:05,492
[ Chuckles ]
You are so fuckin' weird.
456
00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:10,105
♪♪
457
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:13,369
[ Chuckles ]
458
00:19:13,413 --> 00:19:16,590
It's cute.
Mm.
459
00:19:19,332 --> 00:19:21,072
If you'd ask me a year ago
where would we be right now,
460
00:19:21,116 --> 00:19:23,684
I would've said,
"On your favorite rug
461
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:26,687
in our perfect
Hawthorne Heights home,
462
00:19:26,730 --> 00:19:28,341
staring at our baby,
463
00:19:28,384 --> 00:19:31,082
interpreting
every burp or shit
464
00:19:31,126 --> 00:19:32,780
as a sure sign
of future greatness."
465
00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:34,260
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
466
00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:35,783
We would've been that couple
467
00:19:35,826 --> 00:19:38,002
posting a hundred
indistinguishable baby photos
468
00:19:38,046 --> 00:19:41,310
on Instagram when really one
would be just boring enough.
469
00:19:41,354 --> 00:19:44,748
[ Chuckles ]
470
00:19:44,792 --> 00:19:48,491
When did you stop
wanting kids?
471
00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:50,058
There wasn't one moment.
472
00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:53,583
It just kinda happened
gradually over the years.
473
00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:58,675
Ever consider talking
to me about it?
474
00:19:58,719 --> 00:20:02,113
I did.
You just never heard me.
475
00:20:04,855 --> 00:20:06,857
So that's how you
sleep at night.
476
00:20:06,901 --> 00:20:08,076
I've wondered.
477
00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:09,425
Yeah, and how do you
sleep at night
478
00:20:09,469 --> 00:20:10,905
ever since Izzy's
high-functioning uterus
479
00:20:10,948 --> 00:20:12,863
became the center
of your world?
480
00:20:12,907 --> 00:20:15,649
[ Sighs ] Please tell
me I did not just
fucking hear that.
481
00:20:15,692 --> 00:20:17,390
Hold on a sec.
482
00:20:17,433 --> 00:20:19,000
I don't get a side
to this story?
483
00:20:19,043 --> 00:20:21,307
No. You absolutely,
100% do not.
484
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:23,265
Jack, admit it --
it was just a matter of time
485
00:20:23,309 --> 00:20:25,006
before you and Izzy
thought of me
486
00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:27,182
as the barren first wife
who forget to leave.
487
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,358
No, you do not get to be
the wounded one.
488
00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:31,186
You fucking imposter.
489
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:34,145
"Imposter"? "Imposter" --
this from the guy
490
00:20:34,189 --> 00:20:36,539
who hands out mixes of songs
he's never heard of.
491
00:20:36,583 --> 00:20:39,020
You hired an escort
to get your groove back,
492
00:20:39,063 --> 00:20:40,543
and then you got down
on your fucking knees
493
00:20:40,587 --> 00:20:42,066
and begged her
to have your baby
494
00:20:42,110 --> 00:20:43,807
right in front of
your goddamn fucking wife.
495
00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:48,421
Bravo.
Author, author.
496
00:20:48,464 --> 00:20:50,031
Oh, my God, at least see
an actual play
497
00:20:50,074 --> 00:20:51,380
before you toss around
the jargon.
498
00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:52,599
What about our marriage?
Huh?
499
00:20:52,642 --> 00:20:53,817
I had a fucking
front-row seat
500
00:20:53,861 --> 00:20:56,385
to that bullshit piece
of theatre.
501
00:20:56,429 --> 00:20:58,561
Kudos on the surprise ending,
by the way.
502
00:20:58,605 --> 00:21:01,216
Corporate jet
and a six-line text?
503
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:04,654
That's fuckin' nice.
504
00:21:04,698 --> 00:21:07,135
Jesus, Emma, how could you
do that to me?
505
00:21:09,616 --> 00:21:12,358
I can't do this with you
right now.
506
00:21:12,401 --> 00:21:14,403
If you won't leave,
I will.
507
00:21:15,404 --> 00:21:16,536
Jack.
508
00:21:16,579 --> 00:21:18,059
Jack!
509
00:21:18,102 --> 00:21:20,191
Just tell me what to do,
what to say, how to fix it.
510
00:21:20,235 --> 00:21:21,932
I want to fix this.What do you want to do?
511
00:21:21,976 --> 00:21:23,978
You want to be
fucking friends?
512
00:21:24,021 --> 00:21:26,372
You want to double date,
go to each other's weddings?
513
00:21:26,415 --> 00:21:28,112
Are you
fucking kidding me?
514
00:21:28,156 --> 00:21:30,158
You are a delusional psychopath
who only builds things
515
00:21:30,201 --> 00:21:31,855
to compensate for everything
she destroys.
516
00:21:31,899 --> 00:21:33,683
Fuck you and your diagnosis
of me.
517
00:21:33,727 --> 00:21:37,687
Fuck me? You owe me
12 fucking years.
518
00:21:37,731 --> 00:21:39,341
Fuck you!
519
00:21:39,385 --> 00:21:40,951
Fuck you!
520
00:21:40,995 --> 00:21:42,431
Fuck!
521
00:21:42,475 --> 00:21:44,651
[ Winces ]
522
00:21:44,694 --> 00:21:46,348
-I'm sorry.
-Jesus.
523
00:21:46,392 --> 00:21:48,307
Oh, here.
Here, let me take a look.
524
00:21:48,350 --> 00:21:50,396
[ Chuckles ]
525
00:21:50,439 --> 00:21:52,267
[ Groans ]
526
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:53,616
Are you...
527
00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:54,965
Yeah, I don't know.
That's like some real
528
00:21:55,009 --> 00:21:56,706
"War of the Roses" type
shit, except...
529
00:21:56,750 --> 00:22:01,450
-It was -- It was soft.
-Softer. Yeah.
530
00:22:01,494 --> 00:22:03,060
Sorry.
531
00:22:03,104 --> 00:22:09,371
♪♪
532
00:22:09,415 --> 00:22:12,374
[ Chuckles ]
533
00:22:12,418 --> 00:22:15,638
♪♪
534
00:22:15,682 --> 00:22:17,597
So, you're having
people over?
535
00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:19,860
Nope. I'm consuming
an extra-large pizza,
536
00:22:19,903 --> 00:22:21,862
a case of beer,
and 29 bucks worth of candy
537
00:22:21,905 --> 00:22:23,603
all by myself.
538
00:22:23,646 --> 00:22:24,952
I call it "Saturday."
539
00:22:24,995 --> 00:22:26,910
Ah.
540
00:22:26,954 --> 00:22:30,653
So, what now, a-a hug?
A shake? A high five?
541
00:22:30,697 --> 00:22:32,873
Uh, I'm good,
but thanks.
542
00:22:32,916 --> 00:22:36,093
Ah. Thank you.
543
00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:38,748
Well, it's been a --
been a slice, Ben.
544
00:22:38,792 --> 00:22:41,360
S-Sorry.
545
00:22:41,403 --> 00:22:43,318
You sure you don't need
a hand with that?
546
00:22:43,362 --> 00:22:46,539
No, I got it.
It's not my first rodeo.
547
00:22:46,582 --> 00:22:48,018
Isabelle --
548
00:22:48,062 --> 00:22:50,412
Please don't say something
stupid and ruin it.
549
00:22:50,456 --> 00:22:53,459
"Don't ruin it"?
550
00:22:53,502 --> 00:22:55,591
So, you mean you thought
this went well?
551
00:22:55,635 --> 00:22:57,898
See? Like -- Like that.
552
00:22:57,941 --> 00:22:59,552
Okay.
553
00:23:02,293 --> 00:23:04,252
You seriously
still do that?
554
00:23:04,295 --> 00:23:05,862
[ Chuckles ]
555
00:23:05,906 --> 00:23:07,473
I gave you one for school,
remember?
556
00:23:07,516 --> 00:23:09,736
Yeah.Well, I guess it worked.
557
00:23:09,779 --> 00:23:11,346
You didn't get kicked out
like I did.
558
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:16,133
Actually, I did.
Junior year.
559
00:23:16,177 --> 00:23:18,005
I didn't know that.
560
00:23:18,048 --> 00:23:21,269
There's a lot
you don't know.
561
00:23:21,312 --> 00:23:24,925
Yeah.
562
00:23:24,968 --> 00:23:26,753
When do you have classes?
563
00:23:26,796 --> 00:23:30,060
I'm getting my PhD.
I don't really have classes.
564
00:23:30,104 --> 00:23:32,236
Right.
565
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:37,590
But, uh...Monday I have
a 10:00 with my advisor.
566
00:23:37,633 --> 00:23:40,244
Why?
567
00:23:44,074 --> 00:23:47,861
Why?
568
00:23:47,904 --> 00:23:50,211
[ Door closes ]
569
00:23:50,254 --> 00:23:56,347
♪♪
570
00:23:56,391 --> 00:24:02,441
♪♪
571
00:24:05,748 --> 00:24:07,620
What the fuck?
572
00:24:07,663 --> 00:24:10,971
♪ I tried to meet you there,
halfway ♪
573
00:24:11,014 --> 00:24:14,148
♪ I had to go
such a long, long way ♪
574
00:24:14,191 --> 00:24:17,368
♪ Now, is it,
is it a "yes" today? ♪
575
00:24:17,412 --> 00:24:20,546
♪ Now, I'm gonna keep moving
on and on and ♪
576
00:24:20,589 --> 00:24:23,549
♪ Well, maybe you
won't be... ♪
577
00:24:23,592 --> 00:24:27,030
♪ Oh, maybe you were
phenom-enoma-- ♪
578
00:24:27,074 --> 00:24:30,077
♪ I tried to meet you there,
halfway ♪
579
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:33,515
♪ Only to find
that you were M.I.A. ♪
580
00:24:33,559 --> 00:24:36,475
♪ No reason why,
no way ♪
581
00:24:36,518 --> 00:24:39,434
♪ No running into me
on my way ♪
41226
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