All language subtitles for Harley.Quinn.S04E05.WEB.x264-TG

When Mayor Joker
disbanded the police

and launched me into
forced retirement,

I didn't know what
I was gonna do.

From the ashes
that are my career,

a fiery, bosomy
phoenix has risen.

And that phoenix
is you, Barbara,

Ooh, I can't wait
to make love to you

for the first time in 20 years.

I should just see who this is.

- Yello?
- Hey, it's Nora Freeze, nee Jacobsen,

executive assistant to the
CEO of the Legion of Doom.

- Charmed, I'm sure.
- Un-charmed.

- What do you want?
- Well, the LOD needs a security guard,

and I found your resume taped
to a dartboard at Noonan's.

So you want the job?

Yes! I accept.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

I was going crazy in retirement.

Passionate lovemaking with
the woman of my dreams

is too much pressure
for this ol' sack.

- What's going on, baby?
- Duty calls, mon cherie.

Whoo-hoo!

Jimmy G's back, baby.

How am I supposed to
get down from here?

Oh, Barbara.

Ow!

Remember this binder from when
we fought the CleggBnB guest?

Man, that was amazing.

I mean, look, it still has
some of Yonas's pubes on it.

Harley, maybe focus on the mission.

I was thinking that too.

Wait. Where are you guys'
friendship bracelets?

We're not wearing
them because we're not friends.

We're just super people
who fight crime together.

Of course we're friends!

Just like my old crew.

Batgirl, you're King Shark.

Robin, you're Psycho.

Uh. And Nightwing,
you are Clayface,

because of what a
drama queen you are.

Stop talking while
we're fighting.

See, such a Clayface.

Ya!

I never realized how
bad my night vision was

until I started sneaking
around in the shadows with you.

It does explain why
I went down on Ivy's armpit.

- Meh, she still got there.
- Harley, watch out!

- Ooh!
- Dude, watch where you're going!

Okay, okay. I see
what's going on.

You haven't let me into your
hearts because my eyes suck.

Don't boop my tummy!

I'll protect you.

The LASIK went great!

Your night vision is now 20/20.

Thank you for the hero discount.

I cannot wait to surprise the
Bat Family with my new eyes.

If they see how far I'm
willing to go to be better,

maybe they'll reciprocate
and wear my bracelet.

Mmm-hmm. We called
your emergency contact

to pick you up, but her assistant
said she was unavailable.

She also said parting my hair
like this makes me look matronly.

But she couldn't see me, right?

Ugh, yeah. Nora.
Let me try, Ivy.

Call Soulmate Peach Emoji

Sweat Droplets Emoji Devil Horn Smile.

Hi, you've reached
Ivy. Leave a message.

But just remember, this
could've been a text.

Oh, she must be stuck
in Moon customs.

Is there anyone
else we could call?

Yeah, I got a list
a mile fucking long.

- Where are you?
- I'm at the doctor.

Guess what kind.

Okay. That was fucking
rude, even for him.

But, uh, that's fine. I'll just
call the earl of twirl, Batgirl!

Harley. I'm so happy
to hear from you.

I'm having quite the
time getting to Italy.

Sir, we'll ask
you one more time.

Why won't you take
off your mask?

Yeah. I didn't actually mean
to call you. I gotta go.

Don't hang up.

I need you to tell Nora
that... Goddamn it!

You better find
someone else to pick you up,

or else we'll be forced to reverse the
surgery so you can get home yourself.

Okay, I'm trying. I'm trying

I've been abandoned!

There's the woman who
conquered the Moon.

Saw you with Steppenwolf.

- Big ups.
- This is from Talia Al Ghul.

Aw, this pretzel
gun is so realistic.

Look at that.

The bullets are cookies.

So while I was
gone, what'd I miss?

I don't know. I thought when
you were off, I was off.

Hey, careful where
you shoot those guns.

They kill the waistline.

Oh, Lex. You look very taut.

Your hair looks spiky,

and your cheeks
are very high up.

- Get over here, girly - Hmm?

You killed it at the conference.

Really? Because you
seemed a little mad

when you screamed at everyone
to get off your moon.

Oh, sudden rage is a side effect of
forcing my body to accept falcon DNA.

I came here to help bring
you to the next level.

I'm gifting you my PR team.

The Jons.

They're the best in the biz.

Thank you, Lex.
That's very generous.

And also for you guys,

love how all of your shoes

are a slightly different
shade of brown.

Gasp! They're chestnut.

- Teak.
- Taupe.

Milk chocolate, but
the European kind.

I really don't think
I need a PR team.

The work speaks for itself.

- Ring, ring, ring, ring.
- Uh, hello? Delusion.

Girl, how'd you get this number?

Excuse me, Ivy, It's for you.

Now that I've introduced you
to redshirt guy, computer dude,

and guy who doesn't
know I hate him.

- Hey!
- I can show you the best part of the office

because it's where I need
to go to refill my coffee.

Great to be back in an office.

Sure, it's a bad guy HQ,

but a paycheck, no
matter who signs it

is the most fulfilling thing
a man can have in his life.

Ooh, what are all these gadgets?

Junk that LexCorp makes.

Sentient paper shredder,
black hole generator.

That's either a microwave
oven or a cloning device.

Uh, who are they?

Uh, those
are Ivy's mentees.

You got the rocks one,

the fire one,

and the little swampy one.

- Well, I'll be damned.
- Get your elbow off that.

Oh, that
was me, wasn't it?

Hey, one bag a day.

Don't think you're getting
any special treatment

just 'cause I
boinked your bog dad!

Stop bringing that up!

All right, so you
guys are a team now,

and teams deserve names.

And also, sorry about the shirts
having a basketball on them.

I just really couldn't figure out how
to make 'em without a template. So...

I got the one with the
order number sticker.

It is time for you guys to
make your big public debut.

So what ideas have you
been kicking around?

- Go.
- There's a network of dormant volcanoes

beneath Gotham that
I want to activate.

We could toss in
pervy celebrities

for a photo op.

Earthquake bingo.

- Um, okay. Can you elaborate on that?
- No.

Um, I've been working
on my access to the red,

the force that connects
all animal life.

I want to repopulate the
sharks in Gotham Bay,

restoring balance
to the sea life

and ruining everyone's
summer.

I love these ideas.

Okay, so we need
to find a new way

to weave these ideas together

so it represents all
of you as a team.

- Let's go ahead.
- Emergency. Code everything.

Hey. Whoa. Hi.
What's the emergency?

What? Are you crazy?
That's me to know.

Now move your ass,
you leggy bitch!

Uh, okay. Let's keep
discussing this.

I'll circle back to it later.

Proud of you. Slay you, horse.

Okay.

I'm sorry. That's...
I... I just apologize.

The high energy sincerity
doesn't come naturally to me,

but I'm doing the
best I can. Bye.

Oh, thank God you're
here.

Please take her home.

Babs! Finally, I...

Wait, wait. Who are you?

I'm Alysia. Babs's roommate.

Babs has a roommate?

I never thought when I saw 17
desperate texts and voicemails

from Swim Team Harley on Babs's
phone it'd be the Harley Quinn.

Ugh, if this was a year
ago, I'd be losing my mind.

You used to be this totally
kick ass, queer villain,

and now you're in
the Bat Family.

- I used to look up to you.
- Really?

I have a framed photo of you
killing a guy with an acai bowl.

You were always so you.

It really helped me while
I was transitioning.

Hey. Hey. I'm the one who
should be disappointed here.

- Okay? Where's Babs?
- Babs will be back.

She's always disappearing
for a day or two at a time.

- Promise?
- Yep.

Where am I taking you?

To the Gotham Zoo.

I need some help from a
couple of old friends.

Uh, Batgirl, Nightwing,

- Robin!
- What took you so long?

Meet two special
friends of mine.

My new and improved eyeballs.

These peepers can now fight
crime any time of day.

Sunrise, sunset, magic hour,
witching hour, happy hour.

Batgirl is missing.

Okay, what's the emergency?

It's you. You're
a PR disaster.

What are you talking about?
I was a huge hit on the moon.

I mean, look at all these
congratulatory gifts.

Someone sent me a
contagion in an orchid.

So what? Who cares?

Villains are already your base.

What about the
rest of the world?

You said you like
your coffee black.

Honey, you just lost
the almond milk market.

Oh, my God. Look what Tom
Colicchio just posted.

Wait, Tom Colicchio
said something about me

No, about steak.

But he should be
talking about you

and your deliciously evil plans.

Don't worry, we're here to help you,
but we need to start right away.

You haven't posted since 2017

when you said "I
want a bagel."

It was for a free bagel contest.

That you didn't even win.

You know what would make
you a winner? New hair.

- Would you wear a wig?
- A big one.

How attached are you to the
top 10 layers of your skin.

Guys, loving getting my
appearance critiqued,

but gotta get back to work.

You interrupted me while
I was with my mentees.

Yes. Plural. I got three.

Influencing the next generation
is totes crucial, babe,

but three people isn't
a good use of your time.

Imagine mentoring
three billion people.

B... Billion? Like with a B?

- All you have to do is a few small things.
- Teeny, tiny things.

Like throwing out the first
pitch at a Gotham Knights game.

And a call with Lorne
Michaels about hosting SNL.

All the white 14-year-olds
who watch it will love you.

You deserve to be
up on a pedestal.

The lights shining down on
you, searing your retinas.

Everyone listening to
what you have to say.

- Okay, now a little riskier.
- Ah!

Yep. Get into it.

Smile with your
hair, not your teeth.

Give us passionate,
but carefree,

like you just won
a bagel contest.

- Yes. Okay. Yeah.
- Yes, love it.

- Choke me, Daddy.
- Strike a pose that'll sing in marble.

Guys, this is super fun.

And wearing gold underwear
has definitely made me more,

I guess, confident.
But are you sure that,

like a statue of me
isn't too much too soon?

- No, no, no.
- Look at Santa Claus.

That pasty bitch is everywhere.

Do you think his fans
feel like it's "too much?"

And check out the favorables.

Statues are incredibly
popular with our target demo.

Uh, who? Everyone.

Unless, I don't know, you don't
believe in science, and data,

and professionals, who've been
doing this for 5,000 years.

I can't believe you
got cosmetic surgery,

- when someone is picking
off the Bat Family, - Ow!

I've had an ingrown
toenail for six years,

and I've never even
changed the bandage.

Take a look. See?

It's disgusting,

Okay, Robin's not picked off.

His mommy took him to
do poisons training.

And I talked to Alysia,
Batgirl's roommate,

she said she always
disappears for days at a time.

Yeah, to be with us.

Oh, fuck!

- All right. What are we gonna do?
- Oh, What are we gonna do?

- What are we go...
- Huh?

My book of clues!

Did you put them up to this?

Are you feeding Ivy info?

I left a fucking pillow-top
Cali king and my one true love

to live in this creepy mansion.

I got my eyes done
for you. I am all in.

Now, let's go find Batgirl.

I'm gonna investigate alone so
I can actually be effective.

- But we're family!
- No.

No, no, no, no. Me, Robin
and Batgirl are a family.

You're just Harley.

Poison Ivy.

What brings you to Tawny today?

Well, Tawny, I'm just
delighted to be here

to talk about my socially
conscious evil campaign.

That sounds great.

But I heard you had
something else going on.

Something not
quite set in stone.

Oh, that. Um, I...
Well, I guess, yeah.

In some ways, I'm here
to promote a statue.

Yeah, you are girl!

We have an exclusive

with the mold makers
who are going to reveal

what brand of medical ointment

they put on Ivy's lips
while that plaster dried.

I think it was like a mayo packet
from the bottom of my purse.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

You are so down to earth.

Literally, throw those vines!

Mmm-hmm.

Oh.

All right, all right, y'all.
Settle down, settle down.

The moment
we've all been waiting for.

The world premiere
of Statue Cam.

Statue
Cam! Statue Cam!

Hey, Tawny. Just sidebar.

Do people really care
about like a block of stone

and three dudes just
wearing Carhartt jackets?

It's like they're not even wearing
them in like a cool, gay way.

They're wearing them
in like a Boston way.

Incredible!

And when we come back,
one lucky audience member

is going to go home
with a bag of dust

from the statue herself.

Nightwing, what are
you doing there?

Oh, I was actually just leaving.

I got all the evidence I need.

Have fun, though. Cheering
for your evil girlfriend.

You have fun not being
invited to the green room

and not getting unlimited
tiny water bottles.

Harley, my love.

Okay. I had no idea
you were coming,

but did you just
see me out there?

It was crazy. People
were, like, loving me.

A man gave this to me.

This is my favorite
sandwich from childhood.

Hey, babe, that's awesome.

Did you meet the parrot that
Tawny uses to prank celebrities?

I was about to.

I know we said we
weren't gonna do this.

But did one of your LOD
villains kidnap Batgirl?

Okay. Is that why you're here?
You're not here to support me?

I am so happy for you!

But I'm also investigating the
disappearance of my coworker.

You know I can't
help you with that.

So, I'll tell you what I can help
you with, which is swag bags.

Ivy, heroes can't
accept payola. God!

Gotcha
bitch! Gotcha bitch!

Gotcha bitch! Gotcha
bitch!

Oh, damn, Jeffrey.
You are good.

Jeffrey, my angel.

I'm gonna kill whoever
left this door open.

Oh, shit!

Harley.

What are you doing here?

Babs is missing! I was looking
through her stuff for clues

and then laid down
for a very tiny...

Eight-hour nap?

Wait. She hasn't come back yet?

Listen, I need help. The
only thing I found out

from snooping is that she
doesn't own a vibrator.

- Explains a lot.
- It makes sense.

Well, I didn't want
to invade her privacy.

But since you already ransacked
her room, slept in her bed,

and are wearing her "Gordon
Family Reunion 2014" shirt,

let's look at her phone.

A charge at Jill's
Guns and Ammo?

Babs hates guns and ammo.

And it's all the way
up in the mountains,

A classic kidnapping spot.
I have got to go save her.

My swim team has to
respect me after that.

These swim team
dynamics are insane.

You should come with
me. Please come with me.

You know Babs so well.

Okay, but only because
you're basically a cop now,

and I don't want any
brown people getting hurt.

Okay, ground breaking news.

You're back in with almond milk.

It'll be great press
ahead of your book launch.

Wait, what? I
didn't write a book.

Oh, we wrote one or you.

It's called Poison Thrivy:
From Zero to #GirlBossHero.

You got blurbs from Anti-Monitor
and Jonathan Franzen?

It's already number one on the
Gotham Times best seller list.

So get signing, girl.

This one's for Jason Lee.

This one's for
Jennifer Jason Leigh.

And this one's for Samuel
Jennifer Jason Lee. There you go.

Excuse me. I'm so sorry.

Uh, did you look
at our new plan?

Oh, shoot. I... not yet.

I've been swamped,
uh, um...

Uh, oh, we were thinking,
since you've gotten so big,

maybe our plans should
get bigger, too.

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

Uh, bigger.

We could double the lava flow.

If I force it into the ocean, we
could create a whole new Gotham.

It's like talking to a rock,

if rocks were shitty listeners
with perfect complexions.

- Let's go.
- All right, guys. Good talk. Plan sounds great.

- I'm back!
- Oh, hey!

I didn't realize you were
gone. Where'd you go?

I've been gone for three days.

I was visiting my sick sister.

She was either over
watered or underwatered.

- They're running tests.
- Oh, thoughts and prayers.

- Does she want a book?
- Sure. Sign it to Sally.

Her name is Sally.

You signed it to "Zazzy."

I don't have a
sister named Zazzy.

No one does. Damn it, Ivy.
What's going on with you?

What's going on with me
is that I'm killing it.

Really? 'Cause I barely
recognize you anymore,

and not just because of
the incredible amount

of brow liner you're wearing.

What is that?
Electrical tape. Yeesh!

What's up, dudes? Wanna get
drinks? First round's on you.

I may be old, but I'm
not old fashioned.

I think women should pay.

We're not all women, dude.

Hmm? Well, I do not know
how to course correct.

Well, I don't know how to
continue this conversation

without making your face flat.

I'm sick of this old mug, too.

Didn't feel that
on my penis at all.

It's been a long day. We're
all just heading home.

Same. I'm now getting into my not
repossessed car and driving to my house

that I definitely still live in.

Walk, walk, walk, walk, walking.

I can still see you.

Wow.

You're LASIK worked,
honey. You're incredible.

Nightwing must be blown away by everything
you're doing for the Bat Family.

Harley, wake up!

We are so
close to saving Babs.

Not stupid Dick Grayson,
the worst teammate ever.

You know he wanted to swim
the 200-meter butterfly alone?

You know what? I think
we should talk about

your sleepwalking and
how it almost killed us.

I used to do it too
before I came out.

I was spending so much energy
repressing a part of myself.

Could it be similar for you?

No. No. Everyone knows
I'm gay bones for Ivy.

Maybe repressing
your villain side.

Is that Captain Cold?

I can see at night!

Oh, my God. Those
ici-cunts took Babs.

Where is she?

Who? We're just here for
our annual cold boys trip.

Bullshit! Where is Babs?

Ha!

Ya!

Being cold is not a personality.

Yes, Vintage Harley.
Eat his eyes.

Harley?

Babs?

A statue of moi.

It's about goddamn time.

Where in the world
did they find a chisel

sharp enough to capture
this granite jawline?

Ah, time to eat your
vegetables, Gordo.

Come to... Oh, my God.

It's still cold, and
there's a hair on it.

Yuck! Oh, that's okay.

Just because one potato is gone.

Doesn't mean
you're... all alone.

Wh... What the...

Okay, Terra, you pranked me.

Come on out, Volcana. Tefe.

Well, joke's on you
because now I've got

a second potato and
my life is full.

Can you still tell
Dick I saved you?

She didn't need saving.

Though it is a better
story than me coming up

to rescue my mom, who
was abandoned by my dad,

and then my mom abandoning me

to go party with
the ice villains.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

Sorry I didn't tell
you. I was in a hurry.

I forgot my cell.
Then I got snowed in.

Wait a minute. What about the
charges to Jill's Guns and Ammo?

Jills is the only
grocery store up here.

Jill makes
amazing quiche.

- You want some?
- Finally, someone offers me quiche.

Whoever gets the slice
with the ammo in it

gets good luck till first thaw.

Mmm. You know, Dick wouldn't
even work with me to find you.

Are you really
surprised by that?

I thought we were a family
who saved the world together

by swimming really fast laps.

You can't force things to fit
the image you had in your mind.

But I gave up everything
to join the swim team.

I wanted it to be perfect,

like the 2014 Gordon
family reunion.

Okay. Did you not
hear what I said?

My dad abandoned my mom
here, and my mom asked me

to look up, "Does lube freeze?"

- Does it?
- If it's water-based.

Okay.
That's not the point.

It takes more than a fight
with some CleggBnB guests

and a friendship bracelet
to become part of a family.

Just give it some time.

Are there any party
drugs in this cabin?

- No.
- I'm gonna go see what's up with the cold boys.

We are so excited to usher in Revolution Ivy.

I love it. I... I
know... I... I... I...

- Wow!
- Stop the presses.

Look what Tom
Colicchio just posted.

"Ivy's statue is giving me life!

How do I become a part of
Socially Conscious Evil?

Ivy, DM me, come judge,
an Elimination Challenge."

Okay, That's good.

Oh, my God.

We went through with the plan.

Thought you should know.

Since you weren't
there to see it.

- How'd it go?
- It was a disaster and not the good kind.

We could've used some guidance.

But we can totally
fix what went wrong.

Maybe tomorrow we can
all meet up and discuss?

Guys, hey, look. I want
to keep mentoring you.

I do. But I... I
have a responsibility

To try to reach the other
2.9997 billion people

who also look up to me. Right?

- Nice.
- Thank you so much.

Ivy totes loves your support.

Here's a book for you three to split.

Wow.

Who wants to crouch next to me,
crouching next to the crouching statue?

Hands up?

Validate me!

This is... This is so nice.

My teeth are chattering so hard,

it's like I'm chewing
on cruise control.

Look!

There's a fawn licking
morning dew drops off a leaf.

Ow! Ammo.

You're gonna have good luck
for the next 28 to 49 days.

Should we get the
almanac and check?

Oh, my God!

Nightwing's here.
And he's wearing my bracelet.