All language subtitles for s01e02 - Our Figures Are Slipping

(cash register dinging)
(coins jingling)

(upbeat music)

- [Woman] Ground floor,
perfumery, stationery

and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food, going up.

First floor, telephones,
gents ready-made suits,

shirts, socks, ties, hats,
underwear and shoes, going up.

- Good morning, Captain Peacock.

- 8:58.

- As departmental head
of ladies' ready-mades

I hardly think it necessary for me

to clock in like a char.

- I'm not asking you to do anything

that I have not done
myself, Mrs. Slocombe.

Captain Peacock, 8:31.

(Mrs. Slocombe scoffs)

And what has happened to Miss Brahms?

- She isn't late, she's
powdering her nose.

- She ought to sign in first.

- It was very urgent that
she powdered it when she did.

(audience laughs)

And I gave her permission so to do.

(audience laughs)

- Morning, Daphne.
- Morning.

- Morning, Captain Peacock.

8:59 and 10...

10 seconds, yes.

(audience laughs)

I would've been here at 8:58 but I caught

my handbag in the lift.

(audience laughs)

- Handbag?

- Well, it's Miss Brahms' actually.

She left it on the stairs.

She must have been in rather a hurry.

Besides, I wouldn't be seen
dead with imitation crocodile.

Not with these shoes, anyway.

(audience laughs)

Morning, Mr. Grainger.

- Good morning, Mr. Humphries.

- My word, we have got nice
rosy cheeks this morning.

- Yes, I walked through the park in order

to give my toast crust to the ducks.

My wife doesn't like me to leave them,

but these new teeth of mine
were a little too much for them.

You know, even the ducks have
to wait until they go soggy.

(audience laughs)

- They'll probably be all right

when you've run them in a bit.

(audience laughs)

- That was a near thing.

- Not quite near enough, Mr. Lucas.

It is one minute past nine.

- Oh dear, have all the customers gone?

(audience laughs)

- That is not the point, Mr. Lucas.

You're expected here at nine
o'clock, not one minute after.

- Ah well, Captain, I was here.

I was outside at five minutes to nine,

but just as I was coming
in a man was crossing

the road and he got knocked down.

A tall, military-looking man he was.

Oh deary me, I thought,
it's Captain Peacock.

He was early like me and
he's got knocked down

crossing the road.

(audience laughs)

My heart was in my mouth, sir.

I thought to myself, not Captain Peacock,

not struck down at the
height of his career.

"Stand back!" I said.

"I'll give my blood for Captain Peacock!"

(audience laughs)

Anyway, by the time I fought
me way through the crowd,

found out it wasn't you,
but some dirty old tramp

and then got back here
it was one minute after.

(audience laughs)

Oh, just a minute, sir.

- What is it?

- A small insect has crept
out of your carnation

and crouched on your collar.

(audience laughs)

- Deal with it, Lucas.

- Certainly, sir.

(audience laughs)

There you are, it's dead.

(audience laughs)

Was there anything else, sir?

- Yes.

Get me a 15 1/2 collar from stock

and then present yourself
to Mr. Rumbold's office

at 9:15 with your sales book.

- Yes sir, certainly, sir.

- Sorry I'm late, Captain Peacock.

- That's all right, Miss Brahms.

- Oh, it's all right for her, is it?

(audience laughs)

- She has been powdering her nose.

- Well, why is it so shiny then?

(Shirley hisses)

- To your counter, Mr. Lucas.

- Sir.

(Dick clicks his heels)
- Take your coat.

- Did you have a nice little chat?

- He said I've got to report to Rumbold

at 9:15 with my sales book.

What does that mean?

- Well, in the terms of
the Almighty's grand plan

for the universe, very little.

But as far as you're concerned,

it probably means you'll
be at the Labor Exchange

at half-past nine.

(audience laughs)

- I was struggling with this
for 10 minutes yesterday,

and in front of a customer, too!

- Mine's just as bad.

It's this damp weather,
it's always the same.

I better give it a bit of encouragement.

(audience laughs)

- Are they all there, do you think?

- [Secretary] Well, they
should be, Mr. Rumbold,

it's nearly five past nine.

- All righty, I'll go and have a word.

Is Captain Peacock there?

- He's just arrived, sir, he's
just putting his collar on.

- What?

(audience laughs)

- We expect you to get
dressed before you arrive

at Grace Brothers, Captain Peacock.

I do not expect to find you
unattired at five past nine.

- I can explain, sir.

- I don't want to hear any excuses,

I want to have a word with all

the members of your department.

- Of course, sir, of course.

Mr. Grainger, would you step this way,

please, if you're free?

- Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

- Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas.

- Free, Captain Peacock.

- [Dick] Oh, very free, Captain Peacock.

- Step this way.

Mrs. Slocombe, Miss
Brahms, one moment, please.

- Oh, Miss Brahms.

Before we go any further, Mr. Rumbold,

Miss Brahms and I would like to complain

about the state of our drawers.

(audience laughs)

They're a positive disgrace.

- Your what, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Our drawers, they're sticking.

(audience laughs)
It's always the same

in damp weather.

- Really?

- Miss Brahms could hardly
shift hers at all just now.

(audience laughs)

- No wonder she was late. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- They sent up a man
who put beeswax on them

but that made them worse.

(audience laughs)

- I'm not surprised.

- I think they need sandpapering.

(audience laughs)

- Would that help, do you think, Peacock?

- Well, you see, I puff
French chalk on mine

and they're as smooth as silk.

(audience laughs)

- Well, perhaps you could
puff some French chalk

over Mrs. Slocombe's.

(audience laughs)

- Would that solve your
problem, Mrs. Slocombe?

- They ought to be changed.

I've had them ever since I've been here.

(audience laughs)

- Perhaps we can look into it

some other time, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mr. Rumbold has matters of a much more

pressing nature to discuss.

- They're very pressing
as far as I'm concerned.

(audience laughs)

Perhaps Mr. Rumbold
would like to have a go

and see how far he gets.

- I think we should
consider the matter closed

for the moment, Mrs. Slocombe.

(clears throat) Now, I
have been deeply distressed

to learn of the slump in our
sales over the past four weeks,

which I'm sure you've all observed, hm?

- Yes, I have observed it.

Haven't you, Mr. Grainger?

- Oh, a very definite slump, I would say.

Had you observed it, Mr. Humphries?

- Oh, I've observed it, Mr. Grainger.

You observed it, too, didn't you,

Mr. Lucas?
- Oh yes, definitely.

(audience laughs)

I had observed it, Mr.
Humphries, yes, oh yes.

- If you remember rightly I mentioned it

to you last Tuesday.

- Yes, and I mentioned it
to you Captain Peacock.

- That's right.

That's what caused me to
discuss it with you, sir.

(audience laughs)

- I think that's what first
alerted me to the crisis

in the first place.
(audience laughs)

Now, the thing is, I don't want to put

too fine a point upon it, why?

- Ah.

Have you any theories to
advance, Mr. Grainger?

(audience laughs)
After all, you've been

with us longer than most.

- Well, from a very considerable
experience in the trade,

I would say that these things come and go.

- That's very true, of course.

- And very profound.

- What about you, Mr. Humphries?

- As departmental head
of the ladies' section,

I think I should've been asked next.

- Of course, Mrs. Slocombe, I'm sorry.

Have you any suggestions?

- No.

(audience laughs)

- Thank you.

- But I do like to be asked.

- Well, I think it's the
weather, don't you, Mr. Lucas?

- Yes, yes, that's it,
definitely, definitely.

Yes, it's definitely, oh,
it's the weather, yes.

That, plus the fact that
we've had no customers.

(audience laughs)

- Well, the points that you've all raised

are very valid, but I think
the time has come for action.

- Here, here.

- Thank you.

I therefore think it
would pay us to examine

our whole customer handling technique

and to that end I shall
be holding a course

in salesmanship, a class in salesmanship,

this evening after the store closes.

- You mean in our own time?

- It's very short notice.

There's my pussy to consider.

(audience laughs)

- I beg your pardon.

- Who's going to let it out?

(audience laughs)

- If it's not convenient, I
shall of course understand,

but I would remind you all
that unless sales improve

we shall have to cut down on our staff.

- Oh, it's convenient.

(audience laughs)

- I suppose it'll be all right.

- Tiddles will have to cross his legs.

(audience laughs)

- I presume you will
not be needing me, sir.

I have two tickets for
the Tidworth Tattoo.

- Your attendance would be
valuable, Captain Peacock.

- It's ta-ta to the Tattoo.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, well, I think
that's all for the moment.

Oh, Mr. Lucas, perhaps you
would come to my office now.

I want to go over your
personal sales record

for the past month.

Oh, and bring your book with you, hm?

- Yes, sir.

- I don't know what
you want your book for.

I would've thought you'd
remember your sales,

all three of them.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, charming.

Hey-ho, hey-ho, it's out of work we go.

- Honestly, it's the limit.

They don't pass into
your private life at all.

- Did you have a date?

- No, but I might've had.

- I suppose I ought to phone Mrs. Grainger

and tell her to keep the
pie warm in the oven.

- Yes, tell her to turn the
Regulo down to a quarter.

If she hardens that crust it'll
play havoc with your gums.

(audience laughs)
(bell rings)

(hands clapping)
- Right, positions everybody,

the meeting's over.

Come on, ladies, come on, please.

(knocking at the door)

- Come in, Mr. Lucas.

Oh.

(audience laughs)

- I believe you wanted to have
a little chat with me, sir.

- Shut the door, please.

Now, Lucas, I have here
your personal sales graph.

I presume you know what this means?

- Are you sure it's the right way up, sir?

(audience laughs)

- I'm afraid so.

I presume you understand it?

- Well, if I was a doctor the patient

would be dead. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- There is no cause for levity.

- It's nerves, sir.

- Understandable.

Nonetheless, this is a
very poor performance.

I always think that there is a reason

for a poor performance.
(audience laughs)

Now, a happy salesman is a good salesman.

And you don't look happy, Mr. Lucas.

(audience laughs)

I think if you could
smile more it would help.

- Well, I'm sorry if I haven't

been smiling enough, Mr. Rumbold.

- There must be a reason.

Are you, and I don't wish to pry,

but are you, are you unhappy at home?

- Ah, yes.

(audience laughs)

That could very well be it, yes.

- And now we're getting somewhere.

Sit down and tell me about it.

- Thank you, yes.

(audience laughs)

It's my environment, you see, sir.

You see, I've only got this
one shabby little room.

- In Highgate, isn't it?

- Yes, yes, a very poor part
of Highgate, though, mind.

And ever since we took in that Asian

to help make ends meet, well...

(audience laughs)

The strain has been too
much for my crippled mother

and she's had to give up
her job at the skating rink.

(audience laughs)

Taking the tickets.

- I had no idea.

- Yes.

Well...

(audience laughs)

What with that and the fact that

the cat's got asthma and has been

(audience laughs)
coughing all night.

Well, with all that and
also the fact that I

have to, we have to cook on
a broken old gas ring, well,

there are days when somehow life seems

to have lost its magic.

And particularly since we've had

an eviction order this morning.

(audience laughs)

But as you suggest, Mr.
Rumbold, I will do my best

and try and smile a bit more.

(nose honks loudly)

(audience laughs)

- This really is a most terrible story.

- Is it?

(audience laughs)

- I feel it should be
entered into your record.

- Ah, yes.

- Now, let me see, you
live in Cripplegate.

- Highgate.

(audience laughs)

- Highgate, Highgate.

And your mother is an Asian.

- No, no, we took in an Asian.
(audience laughs)

- Your mother has a cough.

- No, no, the cat's got the cough.

(audience laughs)

- And you're supporting this
Asian on a broken gas ring.

- Shall I write it down for you?

(audience laughs)

- Yes, well, if the elastic goes again,

we'll return them to the manufacturer's.

Good morning, madame.

- Mrs. Slocombe, I hope
your cat won't suffer unduly

from its enforced confinement.

- Oh, it's not confined, it's shut up.

(audience laughs)

- [Stephen] Well, let's hope
that you won't be too late.

- And too bad about your
Tattoo, Captain Peacock.

- I always thought tattoos were things

you did on men's chests
with needles and blue ink.

(audience laughs)

- Not only on men's chests, Miss Brahms.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, Captain Peacock,
what will you say next?

- (chuckles) Well, as a
matter of fact, it reminds me

of a bit of doggerel I
picked up in the mess.

- Oh yes.

(audience laughs)

- On the chest of a barmaid from sail,

was tattooed all the prices of ale.

Whilst on her behind

for the sake of the blind

was precisely the same but in Braille.

(audience laughs and applauds)

- Will that be all, Captain Peacock?

(audience laughs)

- I do hope your husband
likes the sweater, madame.

And the washing instructions
are very simple.

Use lukewarm water, no soap, no detergent,

and don't put it in the washing machine.

(audience laughs)

And don't dry it in the sun
or in front of an open fire.

Oh, and madame, if I were you,
half revs on the spin dryer.

(audience laughs)

You're back quick, I
was just going to start

a collection for your leaving present.

(audience laughs)

- I talked me self out of it.

I'm stayin' on.

- What did you tell him?

About your grandfather in the iron lung

and how you can't afford
a shilling for the meter?

(audience laughs)

- No, I gave him the crippled mother

with the Asian and the asthmatic cat.

(audience laughs)

- You used a lot of material, there.

(audience laughs)

What did he say?

- He said I should try
and smile a bit more.

(audience laughs)

- Is that it?

- Take that silly grin
off your face, Mr. Lucas.

It's very bad for trade.

(audience laughs)

- You just can't win, can you?

- Take no notice of him, he's jealous.

If he tried it they'd drop on the floor.

(audience laughs)

- No talking, Lucas, there's a customer.

- A customer?

We'd better have a two-minute silence.

- Don't be facetious, Mr. Lucas.

Your future with this
firm is still very much

in the balance, you know.

Mr. Grainger, are you free?

- Oh yes, yes I'm free, Captain Peacock.

- [Stephen] Yours.

- I beg your pardon?

- Sharp!

(audience laughs)

- Are you being served, sir?

- No, and I'd like to see the assistant

who served me last Tuesday.

- Oh yes, that will be our
Mr. Humphries, I think.

Mr. Humphries, are you free?

- Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.

(audience laughs)

Morning, sir, can I help you?

- No, it wasn't you I wanted.

He was younger and good looking.

- Oh.
(audience laughs)

It had to happen eventually.

(audience laughs)

- Well, then it must be our Mr. Lucas.

Are you free, Mr. Lucas?

- Oh, as free as air, Mr. Grainger.

- Yes, that's the one I want.

- There's no accounting for taste.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I'll leave you with our Mr. Lucas.

- Yes, I remember you, sir.

You're the gentleman I sold the Glen Check

with the two vests to last Tuesday.

- That's right, and you said if I decided

I didn't like it, I could bring it back

and you'd refund my money.

(audience laughs)

- Did I say that?

- Yes, and I don't like it.

- Well, ya did like it.

- Well, it's my wife that doesn't like it.

- Yeah, well, Glen Checks
take a bit of getting used to.

- I don't want to get used to it,

I just want my money back.

- If I may interrupt for a moment, sir,

we are of course willing
to accept the return

of your garment, but it is
not our policy to refund.

We can however give you a
credit note for that amount.

- But he said if I didn't like it

I could have my money back.

- Did you say that?

- (stammers) I might have done.

(audience laughs)
- Might?

- Well, in a sudden rush of enthusiasm

I might have given that impression.

- Mr. Lucas, did you or did you not

say that the customer
could have his money back?

I must have an answer.

- How would a loose yes do?

(audience laughs)

- Well, in the light of Mr.
Lucas's confession, sir,

we have no alternative
but to return your money.

Lucas, the till.

- Oh, things to be improving
for you, Mr. Lucas.

How much am I to ring up?

- Ring down 20 pounds and 50 pence.

- Ring down?

- A glass of water, Mr. Grainger?

(audience laughs)

(somber music)

- What a load of old codswallop this is.

- Well, are you going out tonight, then?

- No.

- How 'bout comin' out to
the pictures with me, then?

- What's on?

- Well, there's Bambi at Studio 2

and then 'round the corner
there's The Unsatisfied Virgin.

(audience laughs)

I've seen Bambi.

(audience laughs)

- Forget that because by
the time Rumbold's finished

rabbiting on, the virgin
will have been satisfied

and they'll all have gone home.

(audience laughs)

- I'll tell you what, you pretend to faint

and I'll carry you out.

(audience laughs)

- I can't faint without an excuse.

- We'll tell 'em you're having a baby.

- What a pity your ear
holes aren't a bit bigger.

- Why?

- 'Cause then you could shove a toothbrush

in them and clean out
that filthy mind of yours.

(audience laughs)

- Look out, here comes Rumbold.

- Is everybody here?

- Oh, just coming, Mr. Rumbold.

I was putting my evening face on.

(audience laughs)

- And it's even lovelier than

the morning one, Mrs. Slocombe.

- (chuckles) Oh, thank you, Mr. Lucas.

- All right now, I've
delegated Mr. Humphries

to get some refreshments
from the canteen, sir.

Hot cocoa and buns.

- Hot cocoa, Miss Brahms.

Did you hear that?

Hot cocoa and buns.

It makes the whole thing worthwhile.

(audience laughs)

- Of course there'll
be a collection for it.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, I think the management will allow

that out of the petty cash.

- Oh, that's most generous, Mr. Rumbold.

Yes, Grace Brothers certainly know how

to look after their workers.

- Oh well, we do our best.

A satisfied team is an efficient team.

- And a satisfied virgin
is a virgin no longer.

(audience laughs)

- Dinner is served.

(audience laughs)

Where shall I put it?

(audience laughs)
- I guess we can

serve it on the table.

- Right, now then.

Oh, where's Mr. Grainger?

- He was here a short time ago, sir,

taking stock of his shirts.

See if you can find him,
Mr. Lucas, will you?

- Oh yes, certainly, Captain Peacock.

He's probably putting his
evening set of teeth in.

(audience laughs)

Mr. Grainger, Mr. Grainger.

Mr...

(audience laughs)

(gasps)

I've got some bad news.

I think Mr. Grainger's died at his post.

(audience laughs)

Unless I'm terribly mistaken,

he's gone down with his shirts.

(audience laughs)

- Don't be witty, Mr. Lucas.

After this morning's incident
your continued employment

with Grace Brothers is a
matter for grave doubt.

(Ernest snores loudly)

(audience laughs)

- Poor old soul, he's
been on his feet all day.

He probably goes to sleep
about this time on the train.

- Mr. Grainger.
- Mr. Grainger.

- Mr. Grainger.

- Miss Brahms.

- Mr. Grainger.

- Baldy.

(audience laughs)

- One hesitates to lay
hands on him, but still--

- Oh no, I wouldn't if I were
you, Mr. Rumbold, no, no.

I mean, just think of it.

Sudden shock, heart
attack, kicks the bucket.

News of the World, "Aged Worker
Dies at Hands of Overseer."

That wouldn't look good for Grace Brothers

now would it?
(audience laughs)

- Okay, Captain Peacock,
I think I know what to do.

(clears throat) Are
you free, Mr. Grainger?

- Yes, I'm free.

(audience laughs)

Oh, good afternoon, sir.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Grainger.

I think we're ready for you now.

- Oh, I'm ready, sir, yes.

- Now, if you'll all take your places.

- Thank you, Captain.

- Now then.

The first question we have to decide on is

do we take our cocoa and buns now

or do we wait until we've
been going for an hour or two?

(audience laughs)

- Perhaps we should ask the ladies, hm?

Mrs. Slocombe, do you feel
like having cocoa and buns now?

- I never feel like having cocoa and buns.

(audience laughs)

If I'd known the firm
was going to be so stingy

I'd have gone out and
had a Wimpy cheeseburger.

(audience laughs)

- I believe there's
some cheese in the buns.

- I don't like cheese.

- There's not very much
cheese in the buns.

- I feel I should mention
that young Mr. Grace

may be coming through
during our conference,

so perhaps it would be as well to eat now

and get the, uh, get the, um, uh--

- Get the banquet over and done with, yes.

(audience laughs)

- I second that.

And let's not bother about seniority,

let's just dive in, eh?

- Good idea.

- Would you like to be
mother, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Well, seeing as I'm not having any

I don't see why I should
be lumbered pourin' it out.

(audience laughs)

- Perhaps you'll do the
honors, Captain Peacock.

- Certainly.

(audience laughs)

- Is there a softer one?

This is very hard.

- I'll see if I can find you
a softer one, wait a minute.

- Do you mind?

(audience laughs)

Those that you haven't squeezed around

he's had his chops around!

(audience laughs)

It puts me off.

- Aren't you going to
have one, Mr. Rumbold?

- No, I don't think I want one, thank you.

(audience laughs)

- Anyone else for a
half-eaten cheese roll?

- No thank you.

- Anyone for the cheese inside, then?

Hardly used, one careful owner.

(audience laughs)

- Does anyone not want cocoa?

- Yes, but I'll have some just the same.

- Oh, that army training certainly came

in useful, Captain Peacock.

- Now, shall we get down
to the purpose for which

we are come together?

- I was wondering when we were
going to get 'round to that.

- Now then, (clears throat)
I think it would pay us

to examine our whole modus
operandi, as it were.

Vis a vis the handling of customers

from the moment they arrive to the moment

when we make the sale.

- Or not.

(audience laughs)

- I sometimes regard
our whole organization

as a ship at sea.

Peacock here is at the helm,
keeping his eyes skimmed.

I am in the engine room making sure

we're all going full-steam
ahead, and you men are the crew.

- What's it called, the Titanic?

(audience laughs)

- And what about the ladies?

- Oh, you're the crew, too.

Now, what happens when the lift doors open

and out steps a customer?

- We all man the lifeboats.

(audience laughs)

- Lucas.

- Now, I will tell you what happens.

Captain Peacock spots him and steers him

over to the counter.

- Ah, I see, yes I see, sir, yes.

The customer has now become the ship.

And all the counters are docks.

And when he gets to one of our counters

we tie him up with our tape measurer

and hang on to him until
he's been unloaded.

(audience laughs)

- That's not quite what I meant.

(audience laughs)

- Perhaps if I could put
it, not more succinctly,

but in a way that would
be more easily grasped

by those unable to understand your simile.

I look upon it as a battle.

The customer is the enemy.

We deploy our forces, lift doors open,

customer steps out, and what happens?

- We open up the machine guns
and bang, bang he's dead.

(audience laughs)

- If we're going on like
this, I'm going home.

- Bear with me, bear with me.

Now, I engage the customer
in a little verbal skirmish.

He is then outflanked by
the ever alert Mr. Grainger.

(snoring)

(audience laughs)

Humphries.

- Are you free, Mr. Grainger?

- Yes, I'm free.

(audience laughs)

- Thank you.

Now, the trouble appears to be

that some of the customers
are getting away.

Now, where is the weak link in the chain?

(audience laughs)

- I think you may have something
there, Captain Peacock.

Perhaps there is a weak link in the chain.

Perhaps we really should examine our

whole customer handling technique
from the very beginning.

Now, I will be a customer.

I shall arrive at the
lift and I want you all

to take it right through from the moment

when Captain Peacock spots me,

to the moment when we make the sale.

- Good idea, sir.

- Now, I want you all to observe

very carefully what happens.

We may possibly learn
something from this, hm?

- Now, deploy yourselves
in your usual positions

and keep your eyes open.

As Mr. Rumbold says, we may
all learn something from this.

We are ready, Mr. Rumbold.

(banging on door)

(audience laughs)

He's stuck.

(audience laughs)

Get him out, Mr. Humphries.

- Well, we've certainly
learned something, Miss Brahms.

We've learned that Mr.
Rumbold doesn't know

how to open the lift.

(audience laughs)

- I'm sorry, I pushed the floor button

and then the lift moved so
I pushed the emergency stop

and then, of course, the
doors wouldn't open. (laughs)

(elevator dings)

- Oh, there's somebody coming
down in the other lift.

- That'll be young Mr. Grace.

- Is my hair tidy?

(audience laughs)

- Young Mr. Grace is coming by.

(audience laughs)

- [Mr. Grace] Good evening everybody.

- [Everyone] Good evening, Mr. Grace.

- I hear you've been
having a sales conference.

- That's right, Mr. Grace.

- And it's been going very well, sir.

- I was a salesman once, you know.

I had a stall in the markets.

We sold fish.

Smelly stuff.

(audience laughs)

- You were very wise to
have a department store

instead, Mr. Grace.

- Been having a good
tuck-in, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Oh yes, thank you, Mr.
Grace, it was delicious.

- Good, well, I'm glad
we're looking after you.

Well, you've all done
very well and it's time

you all went home.

- [Everyone] Oh, thank you, Mr. Grace.

- Coat, sir?

(audience laughs)

- You're a cheeky young
monkey, aren't you?

- One of our most
promising young men, sir.

- Yes, well, sir.

It's a good fit.

Nice material.

- Yeah, it's vicuna, sir.

- Yes, I always wear vicuna.

Well, I'll take it.

Have it put on my account.

A very forceful sale.

- Personally trained by me, sir.

- Yes, we could do with more of that sort.

- Yes indeed, sir.

(audience laughs)

- Well, don't be late in the morning.

- [Everyone] No, Mr. Grace.

- You've all done very well.

- [Everyone] Thank you, Mr. Grace.

(audience laughs)

- He seems in a very good mood.

- Yes, I've seldom seen
him in such a good mood.

- That was a very smart
bit of selling, Mr. Lucas.

You see, the smile does the trick.

- Oh, it does indeed, Mr. Rumbold, yes.

- You obviously know your stock very well.

Even I was unaware that
we had a vicuna coat.

- We haven't.

Mr. Lucas sold Mr. Grace his own coat.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Lucas sold Mr.
Grace Mr. Lucas's coat?

- No, Mr. Lucas sold Mr.
Grace Mr. Grace's coat.

(audience laughs)

- I see.

Well, (chuckles) I think we've all learned

a great deal this evening.

- Here, do you still fancy
The Unsatisfied Virgin?

- Well, I'm game if you're game.

- Oh, all right then, come on.

(audience laughs)

- I must practice that smile myself.

(audience laughs)

(cash register dings)
(coins jingle)

(audience applauding)

- [Woman] Ground floor,
perfumery, stationery

and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food, going up.

(upbeat music)

First floor, telephones,
gents ready-made suits,

shirts, socks, ties, hats,
underwear and shoes, going up.

Second floor, carpets,
travel goods and bedding,

material, soft furnishing,
restaurant, and teas,

going down.

(audience applauding)