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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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You know, I rarely wait on line
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for things that don't have
some kind of frosting.
3
00:00:05,220 --> 00:00:07,006
I know, but this is
supposed to be amazing.
4
00:00:07,031 --> 00:00:08,749
It's David Blaine's
latest magic trick where
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- he's just gonna kill himself.
- How is that magic?
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I thought he wasn't supposed
to be a celebrity anymore.
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Whoa. It says on "Deadline"
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that Maggie Gyllenhaal just signed on
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for the next sequel to "Hostel"...
10
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:21,956
Third Time's the Harm."
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That's a bummer. She's
supposed to be a feminist.
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I expected more from her.
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It's always sad when someone
sells out their own people.
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00:00:27,969 --> 00:00:30,682
Yeah. Like when Elton John
did that thing with Eminem.
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And then they sang together.
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Ugh! This line is not moving!
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I know, and I have to
eat before my audition.
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- What's it for again?
- I don't know. It's top secret.
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The only thing I know
is it's for Amazon,
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so I'm gonna bring a
blender I have to return.
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Well, if you want, we can bail.
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We can go to that new Cajun
Meatball Poke pop-up.
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Ooh! Elton John's nickname for Eminem.
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Scab, scab!
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00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:53,430
- Oh, another line?
- No, that's a picket line.
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00:00:53,455 --> 00:00:56,651
- See, they have a Strike Rat.
- "Waiters deserve wages"?
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I didn't know waiters had a union.
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00:00:58,087 --> 00:01:00,383
- I thought it was just SAG.
- Well, I'm not joining.
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I can't afford to pay
any more stupid dues.
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And those SAG screeners are pathetic.
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00:01:04,375 --> 00:01:06,169
Big deal... I get a free
copy of "Hacksaw Ridge,"
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00:01:06,170 --> 00:01:08,048
but I have to see a dentist in Paramus.
33
00:01:08,049 --> 00:01:10,278
I guess we should find a
restaurant that's open.
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00:01:10,531 --> 00:01:13,560
Although... technically,
this restaurant is open.
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And they could seat us right away.
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Yeah, but if we go in there,
they're gonna boo us.
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I've been booed four
times today already.
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Scab! Scab!
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Scab, scab, scab!
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Scabs are a sign of healing, dear.
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Scab, scab, scab, scab!
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I just need you to sign
the nondisclosure forms,
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then I'll give you the sides
and we can get started.
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Why is Amazon being so secretive?
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Every improviser I know has gone
out for "Mozart in the Jungle."
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Oh, I am sure.
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That show is real comedy.
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Just so you know,
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this project comes from a film director
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who is arguably offensive to women.
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- Eli Roth?
- Close. Jewish also.
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But his violence against women
is more... dialogue-based
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00:02:01,625 --> 00:02:02,774
and exists more in his characters'
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antiquated attitudes towards them.
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00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,490
Woody Allen is doing
another Amazon series?
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00:02:06,491 --> 00:02:08,748
Yes! It's called
"Manhattan Mini Storage,"
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00:02:08,773 --> 00:02:11,065
and this time we are sure
the Woodster's gonna
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"get TV."
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I can't, in good conscience,
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audition for Woody Allen,
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- as a woman, you know?
- Okay, yeah, sure, sure.
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But can I just take a peek at the sides
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- to see how bad they are?
- Can only show them to you
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if you're auditioning.
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Fine. I'll audition. Why not?
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I'm not gonna get this part.
I never get any part.
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Here you go. Let me know if you have
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any trouble reading his handwriting.
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He doesn't even use a typewriter?
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He says gadgets and
doodads are passing fads
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and hurt his flow.
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Okay. Got it. Of course.
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All right. "Esther, white female",
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over 16, unfuckable."
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Any other specifics, or...
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She's a cigarette girl. Uh,
here, you can use this prop.
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- So it's another period piece?
- No.
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Woody just thinks cigarette
girls still exist
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and black people don't.
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Whenever you're ready.
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"You'll have to speak up"
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"over this loud rock and roll music...
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"if you can call it music.
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00:03:00,968 --> 00:03:03,807
Oh, here, Mr. Yellnikoff,
let me light that for you."
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Oh, shit! Oh, crap!
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I'm okay.
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I don't care. Please go.
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But not before you check off a reason
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why you're returning this blender.
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00:03:21,366 --> 00:03:23,336
It's time to update the cafe's website.
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00:03:23,429 --> 00:03:25,425
Our site is so out of
date, we still have pics
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of when we served cereal at breakfast.
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And Billy was still scruff-free thin.
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Oh, Matthew, if only you'd
been Jeffrey Dahmer's type.
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Priority for the site will be to
get new pictures of our food.
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Well, I'm happy to offer my services.
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Your services as a parody of
a pass-around party bottom
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will not be helpful.
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Oh, yaaaas!
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I always love the view from
deep inside Miss Lola's shade.
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- It's like punching pudding.
- Matthew, how can you help?
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Well, my nickname "Shutter Eye"
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isn't exclusively because of my anus.
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I'm a talented food photographer!
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Back in Catfish Holler,
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I developed the cutest
little eating disorder.
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I would take pictures of
food instead of eating it.
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Now, of course, I just
use portion control
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before I vomit everything up.
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Matthew, you're hired.
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Oh! That's great news, Nate.
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You won't be... Aah!
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Aah!
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Matthew! Oh, my Mouse!
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- Oh, my child bride.
- Oh, my good...
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Oh, everybody, I would
like for you to meet
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my ex-wife, Trish.
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- What?
- Whaaat?
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- No.
- We used to be
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the Prince Charles and
Lady Di of Catfish Holler.
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But, Trish, what are you doing in town?
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Isn't it obvious?
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She's part of Pence's
conversion program.
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Oh, sugar booger, I don't
know most of those words.
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Mike Pence has started a program
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for licensed therapists
to convert gay people
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to heterosexual Americans!
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Lola, that's not happening.
I mean, I believe you
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when you say Pence is a failed prototype
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for one of those Japanese sex robots,
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but there's no conversion program.
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No, no, it's real. While we liberals
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were busy debating whether
those naked statues of Trump
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were body shaming, Russia
elected the fourth Reich.
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And there's a protest about
it this afternoon at 3:00.
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Uhh. All these protests.
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00:05:01,241 --> 00:05:03,746
They keep popping up
like Cosby accusers.
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00:05:04,124 --> 00:05:06,747
All right, how do I go? What, do I RSVP?
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It's not paperless post, idiot. Just go.
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And pretend you don't know me!
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Trish, what are you doing in town?
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You know I'm still a slave
to the cock, right?
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Darlin', I know. I was invited
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to do an artist residency
at the Balloon Saloon.
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Trish is one of the top Balloon Artists
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working in the medium.
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We met at a balloon fetish social.
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Mm-hmm. That's when you
feel sexually excited
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by watching other people sit
on balloons till they pop.
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Damn it, Matthew, we all know that.
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Stop balloon-splaining
and get back to work.
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Oh, Trish, do you remember that teacher
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we paid to be our "ticklish toilet"?
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00:05:40,421 --> 00:05:42,365
Oh, no. Absolutely not.
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Women against Woody Allen.
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Women against Woody Allen!
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Oh, my God, it's you.
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Of course it's you. What's going on?
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Is this a flash mob? 'Cause
I don't know the dance,
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but I can certainly try to learn.
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No. It's a protest. Woody Allen's
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shooting in New York again,
and we're not okay with it.
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Let me guess, dipshit.
You just auditioned.
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Wait a minute. You look familiar.
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Did we used to fuck in college?
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Trick question. I only did boob stuff
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00:06:05,746 --> 00:06:07,206
with women in college. But seriously,
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did we used to fuck in college?
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Andrea Mumford.
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We've met several times.
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- None have gone well.
- I have no memory of that,
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But you seem to know what
you're talking about.
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- My name's Julie K...
- Kessler. Yeah, I know.
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Another name for the WAWA Blacklist.
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Wait. You guys work on "The Blacklist"?
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What does James Spader smell like?
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No, you bloated Wendy's mascot.
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WAWA is Women Against Woody Allen.
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Once the WAWA Blacklist is published
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in the Women's History Month issue
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of the "Hollywood Reporter,"
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you can kiss your nonexistent
career good-bye.
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Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
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How dare you assume
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I went up there to audition for
Woody Allen, of all people.
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I went in there to protest!
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Yeah, that's right. I ripped up sides
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right in front of that daughter-marrying
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clarinet-tooting clown shoe.
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And then, just to make sure
he knew I was serious,
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I burned my bra.
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- Really?
- Yeah, really.
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I'm a WAWA too. See this body I inhabit?
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It's a Trojan Horse for justice.
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00:07:02,141 --> 00:07:03,643
These are the scales.
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00:07:04,709 --> 00:07:06,723
Come on. We did boob stuff in college.
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I would have remembered.
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00:07:10,070 --> 00:07:12,466
I love that this is my
second protest in one day.
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Although this one's intentional.
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00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:16,372
Well, it was worth schlepping
out to shit-show Staten Island
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00:07:16,397 --> 00:07:17,881
to make our voices heard in front of
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00:07:17,906 --> 00:07:19,944
the one building in New
York Trump actually owns.
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00:07:20,375 --> 00:07:21,843
Isn't it weird our parents used to go to
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00:07:21,867 --> 00:07:23,912
protests like this in
the '60s all the time?
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00:07:24,050 --> 00:07:25,382
Please. The only thing my mother used to
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00:07:25,406 --> 00:07:27,592
protest in the '60s was the
notion of letting her hair
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00:07:27,617 --> 00:07:29,454
air dry so she could
have a natural wave.
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00:07:29,609 --> 00:07:31,250
By the way, did I tell you
she called me earlier?
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00:07:31,274 --> 00:07:32,945
She's furious because
the federal government
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00:07:32,969 --> 00:07:34,703
revoked her parking privilege.
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00:07:34,867 --> 00:07:37,033
Did somebody say privilege?
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00:07:37,034 --> 00:07:38,452
Oh, look, it's you two.
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00:07:38,570 --> 00:07:40,406
- Hi, Lola.
- Do the opposite
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00:07:40,431 --> 00:07:42,976
of that terrible bra you're
wearing and hold these up.
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00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,299
"Six Pence None the Gayer"?
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00:07:45,300 --> 00:07:46,844
I don't get it. Is that a joke?
217
00:07:46,984 --> 00:07:48,848
It's the gay conversion initiative.
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00:07:48,849 --> 00:07:51,144
The government's giving
$6,000 to any gay person
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00:07:51,145 --> 00:07:53,398
who gets converted by a
"licensed conversionist."
220
00:07:53,399 --> 00:07:55,821
Wait, pence is a thousand?
I thought it was pennies!
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00:07:55,953 --> 00:07:58,325
I should also mention I've
never read a Shakespeare play.
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00:07:58,326 --> 00:08:01,039
Book? Shakespeare playbook?
223
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,418
Stage movie? Anyway, I don't
have a great education.
224
00:08:03,419 --> 00:08:05,715
Wait, h-hold on. Who gets the 6,000?
225
00:08:05,716 --> 00:08:08,387
- The doctor or the patient?
- Exactly!
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00:08:08,718 --> 00:08:10,475
As if integrity could ever be bought
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00:08:10,476 --> 00:08:12,382
for such a paltry sum!
228
00:08:15,023 --> 00:08:16,971
Conversion therapy?
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00:08:17,463 --> 00:08:19,033
I'll take any chance I can get
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00:08:19,034 --> 00:08:21,497
to spend time with you without
that third red wheel.
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00:08:21,498 --> 00:08:24,252
But I had no idea you
didn't wanna be gay!
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00:08:24,253 --> 00:08:26,131
Oh, no, no, no, Marilyn,
I do wanna be gay.
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00:08:26,132 --> 00:08:28,845
Oh, whew! 'Cause even I
couldn't convert a gay person.
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00:08:28,846 --> 00:08:31,308
If I could, you can bet
that Circle Line Cruise
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00:08:31,309 --> 00:08:33,646
with Anderson Cooper would
have gone a different way.
236
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:35,274
No, no, no. Look at this.
237
00:08:35,275 --> 00:08:37,195
It's just a new government program.
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00:08:37,196 --> 00:08:38,823
They send you the paperwork,
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00:08:38,824 --> 00:08:40,301
and then you just fill
out some materials
240
00:08:40,325 --> 00:08:41,968
and then you get paid...
It's all bullshit.
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00:08:41,992 --> 00:08:44,371
Oh, come on, Billy. Conversion therapy!
242
00:08:44,396 --> 00:08:47,943
That's beyond pseudoscience!
It's harmful, and...
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00:08:48,582 --> 00:08:50,931
Wait a minute. If I become
a licensed conversionist,
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00:08:50,932 --> 00:08:53,895
I'd be eligible for MD
parking permit again?
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00:08:53,896 --> 00:08:56,191
- See? It's a win-win.
- You do know
246
00:08:56,192 --> 00:08:58,738
that shrinks no longer have
MD parking privileges.
247
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,951
The only way they told
me that I could get it
248
00:09:00,952 --> 00:09:02,788
is to become a member of the clergy,
249
00:09:02,789 --> 00:09:05,544
and I had to preside
over funerals for sperms
250
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,046
wasted in masturbation.
251
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,175
- No.
- Can you believe that?
252
00:09:09,761 --> 00:09:12,474
I did a couple, and then
I said enough is enough.
253
00:09:12,475 --> 00:09:14,435
Marilyn, what do you say?
Will you help me become
254
00:09:14,436 --> 00:09:16,607
a heterosexual thousandaire?
255
00:09:16,608 --> 00:09:19,822
If you help me become a charlatan
with a parking permit!
256
00:09:19,965 --> 00:09:21,742
Fuck, yeah!
257
00:09:21,743 --> 00:09:23,245
- Ha ha... Oh!
- Oh, are you okay?
258
00:09:23,246 --> 00:09:24,498
- Arthritis!
- Ha ha ha!
259
00:09:28,496 --> 00:09:31,052
What's that smell? Is that "not dinner"?
260
00:09:31,053 --> 00:09:32,639
It is not dinner.
261
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,309
And it will never be dinner again.
262
00:09:34,863 --> 00:09:36,981
Put pilot... I see now
263
00:09:36,982 --> 00:09:39,277
how offensive my cooking for you was.
264
00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:41,657
I hate every minute of this
confusing conversation.
265
00:09:42,090 --> 00:09:43,536
In honor of Women's History Month,
266
00:09:43,537 --> 00:09:46,124
I'm working on a PBS
documentary about Molly Kelly.
267
00:09:46,125 --> 00:09:47,961
- Who?
- She was a feminist icon,
268
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:50,967
and resented her husband
for infantilizing her.
269
00:09:52,004 --> 00:09:54,349
And I see now that's what I'm
doing to you by cooking.
270
00:09:54,350 --> 00:09:56,963
No! Arthur, there's nothing that helps
271
00:09:56,988 --> 00:09:58,252
the feminist cause more
272
00:09:58,277 --> 00:10:00,820
than a woman coming home to
food a man made for her.
273
00:10:01,379 --> 00:10:04,452
I should know... I'm the
newest member of WAWA.
274
00:10:04,453 --> 00:10:06,206
You joined Women Against Woody Allen?
275
00:10:06,207 --> 00:10:07,709
I'm so proud of you!
276
00:10:07,894 --> 00:10:09,630
You're a Molly Kelly in the making.
277
00:10:09,738 --> 00:10:11,842
Technically, all I did
was set my tits on fire
278
00:10:11,843 --> 00:10:13,410
during an audition I'll never get.
279
00:10:13,435 --> 00:10:15,480
But it feels good to be on
the right side of things
280
00:10:15,505 --> 00:10:17,591
for once, you know? Fuck Woody Allen!
281
00:10:17,616 --> 00:10:20,746
That's right.
282
00:10:20,986 --> 00:10:22,422
Hello?
283
00:10:22,543 --> 00:10:25,244
Really?
284
00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:28,105
Arthur, Woody Allen just
cast me in his new series.
285
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:31,480
Listen, if his last Amazon show
286
00:10:31,505 --> 00:10:33,245
is any indication, no
one's even gonna know
287
00:10:33,270 --> 00:10:34,434
you're working with Woody Allen
288
00:10:34,458 --> 00:10:36,900
other than a handful of
masochistic TV critics.
289
00:10:36,925 --> 00:10:38,191
I know. I just don't wanna be
290
00:10:38,216 --> 00:10:41,150
- on the WAWA Blacklist.
- Working with Woody Allen
291
00:10:41,175 --> 00:10:43,590
never hurt Kristen
Stewart or Parker Posey.
292
00:10:43,902 --> 00:10:46,327
The only woman who ever got
any blowback was Mia Farrow.
293
00:10:46,328 --> 00:10:48,206
But if I work with him,
it's just gonna validate
294
00:10:48,207 --> 00:10:50,419
his terrible behavior. And
I'm not just talking about
295
00:10:50,420 --> 00:10:52,371
the misogyny in his personal life...
296
00:10:52,465 --> 00:10:54,135
I mean, have you seen "Whatever Works"?
297
00:10:54,136 --> 00:10:55,930
Yes. And its portrayal of women
298
00:10:55,931 --> 00:10:57,722
made Mickey Rooney's performance
299
00:10:57,747 --> 00:11:00,605
in "Breakfast at Tiffany's"
look nuanced and respectful.
300
00:11:00,792 --> 00:11:02,667
- So what should I do?
- You're asking someone
301
00:11:02,692 --> 00:11:04,296
who's taking 6 grand from Mike Pence
302
00:11:04,321 --> 00:11:05,864
to pretend I'm not gay.
303
00:11:05,980 --> 00:11:07,051
I don't know if I'm the right person
304
00:11:07,075 --> 00:11:08,683
to be asking for ethical advice.
305
00:11:08,832 --> 00:11:11,252
That said, maybe you can
306
00:11:11,277 --> 00:11:13,066
affect some change from the inside.
307
00:11:13,168 --> 00:11:15,340
Yes, exactly. Fuck it! I'm gonna do it.
308
00:11:15,395 --> 00:11:17,283
Good. Just make sure you call someone
309
00:11:17,308 --> 00:11:18,275
and let them know you want it.
310
00:11:18,276 --> 00:11:19,536
Oh, no, no, no, I already told them.
311
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:21,097
I decided last night. I just needed
312
00:11:21,122 --> 00:11:22,791
a "Dirk Diggler in the
mirror" style pep talk
313
00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:25,121
before I, you know,
whip out my schvantz.
314
00:11:25,379 --> 00:11:27,168
Oh, Matthew!
315
00:11:27,636 --> 00:11:29,371
Where is my Mouse?
316
00:11:29,396 --> 00:11:31,341
Oh, he went to the store to
get some lighting equipment
317
00:11:31,365 --> 00:11:32,485
for the website photo shoot.
318
00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:34,637
Oh, sugar in my bowl.
319
00:11:35,215 --> 00:11:38,984
Will you give him this little
balloon mousey I made?
320
00:11:39,097 --> 00:11:42,448
Sure. Julie, this is Matthew's ex-wife.
321
00:11:44,910 --> 00:11:46,730
Wait, really?
322
00:11:47,084 --> 00:11:48,962
Oh, my God, doesn't this
look like a little mini...
323
00:11:48,963 --> 00:11:50,716
- Strike Rat! Holy shit!
- Yes!
324
00:11:50,717 --> 00:11:52,051
We should have Matthew's weird ex-wife
325
00:11:52,075 --> 00:11:54,913
- make us one of these.
- Or I can make you one.
326
00:11:55,183 --> 00:11:58,188
If we had our own Strike
Rat, we could go anywhere.
327
00:11:58,449 --> 00:12:00,736
'Cause everyone would think
the staff is striking,
328
00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:02,542
and then we would never
have to wait in line again.
329
00:12:02,566 --> 00:12:05,036
Mrs. Matthew, how much do
you think it would cost
330
00:12:05,037 --> 00:12:06,998
to make a giant version of one of these?
331
00:12:06,999 --> 00:12:08,996
Oh, I'd do it for free...
332
00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:10,875
if y'all two help me find Matthew
333
00:12:10,900 --> 00:12:13,028
and get him alone so I can seduce him.
334
00:12:13,136 --> 00:12:14,761
Tch, aw, Trish.
335
00:12:14,786 --> 00:12:17,081
I can only imagine your backstory.
336
00:12:20,025 --> 00:12:22,761
- Well, did you open it?
- And ruin the surprise?
337
00:12:22,786 --> 00:12:25,164
No. Three secret service men showed up,
338
00:12:25,189 --> 00:12:29,074
- and then I called you.
- Oh... my... God!
339
00:12:29,308 --> 00:12:30,586
What is in here?
340
00:12:30,808 --> 00:12:32,855
Okay, this is...
341
00:12:33,011 --> 00:12:34,552
Oh, it's a letter for the conversionist.
342
00:12:34,553 --> 00:12:36,556
- That's me.
- Ooh!
343
00:12:36,557 --> 00:12:38,895
It's the new vice-presidential seal.
344
00:12:38,896 --> 00:12:41,191
Well, that's gotta be a... hmm.
345
00:12:41,192 --> 00:12:43,941
Okay, well, if you tilt it,
it's definitely a swastika.
346
00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:46,560
- So, we just won't tilt it.
- Absolutely.
347
00:12:46,585 --> 00:12:48,755
"Dear brave medical professional,
348
00:12:48,818 --> 00:12:50,503
"thank you for helping an American
349
00:12:50,528 --> 00:12:53,952
take a step toward becoming
a regular person."
350
00:12:55,839 --> 00:12:58,267
What? "Regular"? Oh, no,
no, don't worry about me.
351
00:12:58,268 --> 00:13:00,826
- I'm not offended at all.
- No, I was just wondering
352
00:13:00,851 --> 00:13:03,451
if maybe I should record books on tape.
353
00:13:03,732 --> 00:13:07,094
My voice seems to have
such a commanding quality.
354
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:10,371
Ooh! It's a porn mag with
identical twins on the cover!
355
00:13:10,396 --> 00:13:13,005
God, is there anything
hotter than incest?
356
00:13:13,006 --> 00:13:15,886
What else is in here?
Oh, a hacky sack and...
357
00:13:15,887 --> 00:13:18,473
barbecue tongs. Boy, someone really put
358
00:13:18,474 --> 00:13:19,819
a lot of thought into this.
359
00:13:19,844 --> 00:13:23,150
And look. All three
"Hangover" movies on DVD.
360
00:13:23,151 --> 00:13:25,229
God. Oh!
361
00:13:25,698 --> 00:13:26,991
Coors?
362
00:13:27,156 --> 00:13:28,499
Dare we?
363
00:13:31,647 --> 00:13:33,445
So I read your new novel.
364
00:13:33,584 --> 00:13:35,335
So, I read your new novel.
365
00:13:35,383 --> 00:13:37,585
So I read your new novel.
366
00:13:39,039 --> 00:13:41,019
Wai... I'm sorry, that can't be right.
367
00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:42,609
How can we all have the same line?
368
00:13:42,634 --> 00:13:44,052
That's what it says in the script.
369
00:13:44,401 --> 00:13:46,112
How can you tell?
370
00:13:46,113 --> 00:13:49,312
He writes in longhand on these...
Post-it notes.
371
00:13:49,371 --> 00:13:52,476
Maybe it means we all read
the line at the same time?
372
00:13:52,501 --> 00:13:54,420
Is Woody here to help us? Woody?
373
00:13:54,656 --> 00:13:57,093
Nope. He heads home 2:00 p. M. Every day
374
00:13:57,094 --> 00:14:00,058
for a salted cottage cheese dinner.
375
00:14:02,020 --> 00:14:04,234
So back to one or...
376
00:14:04,441 --> 00:14:06,277
Okay, you're all set, all right?
377
00:14:06,278 --> 00:14:07,948
There this is what's called
378
00:14:07,949 --> 00:14:11,413
a DIY electroshock therapy kit.
379
00:14:11,414 --> 00:14:13,953
Okay, you look at all these hot guys,
380
00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:16,189
and then I give you a tiny shock.
381
00:14:16,340 --> 00:14:19,429
I've definitely slept with this guy,
382
00:14:19,617 --> 00:14:21,684
and he wasn't tiny!
383
00:14:23,048 --> 00:14:26,234
I cannot understand what the
big deal about all this is.
384
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:28,823
I dabbled in lesbianism in college.
385
00:14:28,824 --> 00:14:30,660
- You did?!
- Yeah. Well, truth be told,
386
00:14:30,661 --> 00:14:33,373
three dates in I realized
Dutch was a lady.
387
00:14:33,374 --> 00:14:35,335
And then I thought,
"She's here, I'm here.
388
00:14:35,336 --> 00:14:37,085
Might as well do some boob stuff."
389
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,570
- So how was it?
- Eh. It was like "Les Mis."
390
00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:41,570
You know, a lotta people
like it, but for me
391
00:14:41,595 --> 00:14:43,624
it was too long, too confusing,
392
00:14:43,692 --> 00:14:45,820
and too much drama for
what you take away.
393
00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:47,976
Marilyn, are you gonna
buzz my nips, or what?
394
00:14:48,001 --> 00:14:49,754
Okay, so... Wait a second.
395
00:14:50,468 --> 00:14:52,773
Wait. There are more volts
here than I thought.
396
00:14:52,798 --> 00:14:55,260
Oh, sweetheart, no, no. Take those off.
397
00:14:55,373 --> 00:14:57,251
Come on. This stopped being funny.
398
00:14:57,339 --> 00:14:59,008
You're right.
399
00:14:59,033 --> 00:15:01,139
Aaaahhh!
400
00:15:01,164 --> 00:15:02,808
- Aw!
- That hurt.
401
00:15:02,809 --> 00:15:04,054
- Aw.
- You're right.
402
00:15:04,079 --> 00:15:05,722
We'll just throw it all
away and tell them
403
00:15:05,746 --> 00:15:07,416
that we did what they wanted us to do.
404
00:15:07,652 --> 00:15:09,237
Absolutely!
405
00:15:09,238 --> 00:15:11,234
Would you mind if I kept "Hangover 3"?
406
00:15:11,259 --> 00:15:13,137
I saw the first two,
and I just wanna know
407
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:14,898
how it turns out for the gang.
408
00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:20,445
Wow. Trish really outdid
herself with this Strike Rat.
409
00:15:20,523 --> 00:15:23,026
I feel like we should have
insisted on paying her.
410
00:15:23,027 --> 00:15:25,406
I know. But then I told her
that Matthew was all alone
411
00:15:25,407 --> 00:15:27,995
at the cafe tonight, and she
refused to take any money.
412
00:15:27,996 --> 00:15:30,709
- She is one thirsty bitch.
- All right, Strikey.
413
00:15:30,890 --> 00:15:32,546
Time to shame these suckers
414
00:15:32,547 --> 00:15:34,591
into not crossing our fake picket line,
415
00:15:34,592 --> 00:15:37,096
and we can go watch David
Blaine blow his brains out.
416
00:15:37,097 --> 00:15:40,224
"Museum Workers 267."
You gave it a name!
417
00:15:40,249 --> 00:15:41,772
- Yeah.
- I like that!
418
00:15:41,773 --> 00:15:44,528
Thank you. I named it after
my latest cholesterol count.
419
00:15:44,529 --> 00:15:46,031
Where should we go to eat after this?
420
00:15:46,032 --> 00:15:48,160
Somewhere impossible to get into.
421
00:15:48,161 --> 00:15:50,164
But not too late. I have
a big day tomorrow.
422
00:15:50,165 --> 00:15:51,835
After I work on the
new Woody Allen Show,
423
00:15:51,860 --> 00:15:54,531
WAWA is honoring me for refusing
to work on a Woody Allen show.
424
00:15:54,716 --> 00:15:57,237
Okay, that's huge. Not
only did you manage
425
00:15:57,262 --> 00:15:59,767
to avoid the Blacklist, but now
you're the toast of the town.
426
00:15:59,768 --> 00:16:01,186
I know! Let's celebrate
427
00:16:01,187 --> 00:16:02,981
by cutting lines all over the city!
428
00:16:03,484 --> 00:16:05,235
Disperse! Disperse!
429
00:16:05,236 --> 00:16:06,906
- Disperse.
- The power of Strikey
430
00:16:06,907 --> 00:16:09,578
- compels you to disperse!
- Very unfair!
431
00:16:09,579 --> 00:16:11,795
Get out of this David Blaine exhibit.
432
00:16:11,820 --> 00:16:14,045
- David Blaine!
- This is a bad idea
433
00:16:14,046 --> 00:16:16,468
for you to not... go away.
434
00:16:19,389 --> 00:16:20,624
Well, he's dead.
435
00:16:20,649 --> 00:16:22,067
Yeah. It was all right.
436
00:16:22,145 --> 00:16:24,441
Yeah. What do you wanna do now?
437
00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:27,404
- Do you wanna eat something?
- Or, um, "Hamilton"?
438
00:16:27,405 --> 00:16:29,493
- Oh! With the rat.
- Yeah, yeah.
439
00:16:29,494 --> 00:16:32,248
♪ It's a good thing, good thing ♪
440
00:16:32,249 --> 00:16:33,960
♪ That you're my friend ♪
441
00:16:36,423 --> 00:16:39,471
♪ It's a good thing, good thing ♪
442
00:16:39,472 --> 00:16:41,517
♪ That you're my friend ♪
443
00:16:44,774 --> 00:16:48,405
♪ Something's turning ♪
444
00:16:48,406 --> 00:16:52,163
♪ Now I'm learning ♪
445
00:16:52,164 --> 00:16:55,335
♪ Who's a friend to ♪
446
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:59,218
♪ Me ♪
447
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:05,940
Yaaas!
448
00:17:05,941 --> 00:17:07,903
There you are, little omelet.
449
00:17:07,904 --> 00:17:10,992
I never have to eat you.
450
00:17:10,993 --> 00:17:12,913
Because I've captured you.
451
00:17:13,517 --> 00:17:15,585
I win, food.
452
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,714
I... win!
453
00:17:17,715 --> 00:17:19,718
Matthew.
454
00:17:19,719 --> 00:17:21,573
Hello, Trish.
455
00:17:22,450 --> 00:17:23,893
Just coming from church?
456
00:17:23,894 --> 00:17:26,899
Actually, I was... on my way home
457
00:17:26,900 --> 00:17:29,905
after a long day of twistin' balloons
458
00:17:29,906 --> 00:17:31,742
into different shapes
459
00:17:31,743 --> 00:17:35,625
and then sittin' on them until they...
exploded
460
00:17:35,626 --> 00:17:39,590
under the pressure of my seated behind.
461
00:17:40,333 --> 00:17:42,472
You remember our weddin' night?
462
00:17:42,473 --> 00:17:45,520
You had a helluva nerve wearing white.
463
00:17:45,521 --> 00:17:47,189
And so did you.
464
00:17:48,983 --> 00:17:50,527
Oh!
465
00:17:52,618 --> 00:17:53,828
Oh! Oh!
466
00:18:08,609 --> 00:18:11,572
Oh... oh... oh... oh!
467
00:18:16,750 --> 00:18:18,251
Rrrr! Rrrraah!
468
00:18:18,252 --> 00:18:20,120
Rrraah!
469
00:18:39,027 --> 00:18:41,548
Oh, Max, every time I see you,
470
00:18:41,549 --> 00:18:44,011
I feel like I just
smoked a bunch of grass.
471
00:18:44,012 --> 00:18:47,811
Drugs! Great... she's
talking about drugs.
472
00:18:47,812 --> 00:18:50,190
I'm a mental imbecile, but you...
473
00:18:50,191 --> 00:18:52,654
you're vibrating on a sexual energy.
474
00:18:52,655 --> 00:18:54,783
I must be your muse.
475
00:19:02,948 --> 00:19:04,176
Is someone gonna yell, "Cut"?
476
00:19:04,261 --> 00:19:07,042
Aw, shit! Woody fell asleep again.
477
00:19:07,159 --> 00:19:09,311
Come on, everybody.
Start lookin' for him.
478
00:19:09,312 --> 00:19:11,525
- Seriously?
- Yes! He's a napper
479
00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,487
and a hider. I mean, it's frustrating
480
00:19:13,488 --> 00:19:15,115
when he does both.
481
00:19:15,116 --> 00:19:17,327
All right, everyone split up and search.
482
00:19:17,847 --> 00:19:19,458
You know, when we were
shooting "Midnight in Paris,"
483
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:21,085
he fell asleep in a lake.
484
00:19:21,086 --> 00:19:22,547
So we gotta make sure we're lookin' for
485
00:19:22,548 --> 00:19:24,300
bodies of water, okay?
486
00:19:24,301 --> 00:19:26,095
Large and small!
487
00:19:26,620 --> 00:19:29,143
All right, and let's not
forget to use the call:
488
00:19:29,464 --> 00:19:31,355
Wha-whaaaa!
489
00:19:31,636 --> 00:19:34,488
Wha-whaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
490
00:19:34,489 --> 00:19:38,036
Woodyyyyyyyyyyy-oh!
491
00:19:38,037 --> 00:19:41,417
Woodyyyyyyyyy-oh!
492
00:19:42,060 --> 00:19:43,756
Let's hear it back!
493
00:19:43,757 --> 00:19:46,093
- Wha-wha-wha-Woody!
- Whaaaa...
494
00:19:46,094 --> 00:19:48,641
Woody?
495
00:19:48,779 --> 00:19:51,103
Woody!
496
00:19:51,104 --> 00:19:53,149
I found a fishing hat and
some Knicks tickets...
497
00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:54,653
he can't be far!
498
00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:57,157
- Woody?
- Woody!
499
00:19:57,158 --> 00:20:00,288
- Wah-wah-Woody!
- Woody?
500
00:20:00,289 --> 00:20:02,209
Hello, Newman.
501
00:20:02,850 --> 00:20:05,564
Oh, fuck!
502
00:20:06,385 --> 00:20:08,873
Hey, guys! I've been
waiting all morning!
503
00:20:08,898 --> 00:20:11,191
You finally showed up
for the WAWA protest.
504
00:20:11,216 --> 00:20:12,879
Woman! Again!
505
00:20:12,904 --> 00:20:14,442
You came in costume?
506
00:20:15,013 --> 00:20:16,697
No. This isn't a costume.
507
00:20:17,404 --> 00:20:19,870
I work at speakeasies
and supper clubs...
508
00:20:20,443 --> 00:20:22,040
doing my burlesque act.
509
00:20:22,041 --> 00:20:24,629
Really? I'm a huge burlesque fan.
510
00:20:24,630 --> 00:20:27,343
I've never seen you. Do
something from your act.
511
00:20:29,677 --> 00:20:32,437
Well... ♪ I'm a hoochie-coochie-coo ♪
512
00:20:32,438 --> 00:20:34,649
♪ And a hotty toddy too ♪
513
00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:36,277
♪ And the town never knew ♪
514
00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:38,323
♪ Such a hullaballoo ♪
515
00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:40,119
Cha!
516
00:20:40,913 --> 00:20:42,582
Oh, that's right.
517
00:20:42,583 --> 00:20:43,959
I have seen you before.
518
00:20:43,984 --> 00:20:46,350
Hey. Hey, actress.
519
00:20:47,175 --> 00:20:49,598
Hey, actress in a Woody Allen series.
520
00:20:50,306 --> 00:20:52,810
We found him. He fell
asleep inside a matchbox.
521
00:20:53,155 --> 00:20:56,287
We need you on set so we
can wrap this scene up.
522
00:20:57,106 --> 00:20:59,532
Okay, fine! I'm in this thing.
523
00:20:59,642 --> 00:21:01,729
If it's any consolation,
it's fucking horrible.
524
00:21:01,754 --> 00:21:04,520
They're all fucking horrible
since "Crimes and Misdemeanors."
525
00:21:04,545 --> 00:21:06,689
I know, but I need this big break
526
00:21:06,714 --> 00:21:08,926
more than you guys need me
to hold one of your signs.
527
00:21:09,075 --> 00:21:11,180
Look, as soon as I make it,
I'll give back to the cause.
528
00:21:11,181 --> 00:21:12,642
I really am a feminist!
529
00:21:12,762 --> 00:21:14,479
The hell you are.
530
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:16,148
Welcome to the Blacklist.
531
00:21:16,262 --> 00:21:17,654
We're gonna print your name in a font
532
00:21:17,678 --> 00:21:20,475
that is five points bigger
than Scarlett Johansson's.
533
00:21:20,957 --> 00:21:22,895
- Ooh!
- Women!
534
00:21:23,536 --> 00:21:26,503
Uh, hey, actress, I got some bad news.
535
00:21:26,835 --> 00:21:28,882
- We're shuttin' down.
- Wait... what?
536
00:21:28,883 --> 00:21:30,511
Turns out Manhattan Mini Storage
537
00:21:30,512 --> 00:21:32,148
is the name of a business,
538
00:21:32,214 --> 00:21:34,801
Woody doesn't want to go to the
effort to pick a new title.
539
00:21:35,146 --> 00:21:37,817
So... that's a wrap!
540
00:21:44,396 --> 00:21:46,333
Welcome home, Act Break.
541
00:21:46,334 --> 00:21:48,129
- How was shooting?
- The worst.
542
00:21:48,310 --> 00:21:51,654
Woody shut down production after
WAWA found out that I lied.
543
00:21:51,841 --> 00:21:54,452
Sounds like somebody just
earned some chicken fingers.
544
00:21:54,477 --> 00:21:56,980
Ah! Thank God! You're cooking again.
545
00:21:57,490 --> 00:21:59,694
I'm sorry I'll never
be like Molly Kelly.
546
00:21:59,904 --> 00:22:01,865
It turns out that's a wonderful thing.
547
00:22:02,068 --> 00:22:03,841
PBS researchers just learned
548
00:22:03,866 --> 00:22:06,203
the reason Molly Kelly
wanted to cook for herself
549
00:22:06,490 --> 00:22:08,712
was because she was eating her children.
550
00:22:08,713 --> 00:22:10,591
She didn't want her husband
poking around the kitchen.
551
00:22:10,592 --> 00:22:12,762
- No bueno!
- Yeah, so we're pulling
552
00:22:12,763 --> 00:22:15,308
the Molly docuseries.
PBS will celebrate.
553
00:22:15,309 --> 00:22:17,062
Women's History Month by rebroadcasting.
554
00:22:17,063 --> 00:22:18,356
Peri Gilpin's American Masters episode
555
00:22:18,357 --> 00:22:20,193
for... yet another year.
556
00:22:20,194 --> 00:22:23,241
Roz from "Frasier," I raise
a finger to your legacy.
557
00:22:24,211 --> 00:22:26,215
These are all for me, right?
558
00:22:26,860 --> 00:22:29,419
- Next!
- A-12.
559
00:22:29,420 --> 00:22:31,006
Driver's license, boat registration,
560
00:22:31,007 --> 00:22:33,094
- or no longer gay?
- No longer gay.
561
00:22:33,095 --> 00:22:34,429
And I fixed him, so I'm gonna need
562
00:22:34,430 --> 00:22:36,267
a new MD parking permit.
563
00:22:37,060 --> 00:22:38,187
You're no longer gay.
564
00:22:38,188 --> 00:22:40,191
That's right. Serve
me up some hot wings,
565
00:22:40,192 --> 00:22:42,613
fire up "Better Call Saul"
and please ask me how I feel
566
00:22:42,614 --> 00:22:44,158
about women who don't wear makeup.
567
00:22:44,159 --> 00:22:45,744
I have an opinion whether
they're beautiful
568
00:22:45,745 --> 00:22:47,296
with or without it.
569
00:22:47,455 --> 00:22:49,583
Yep. Checks out. Here's
your parking permit.
570
00:22:49,670 --> 00:22:51,172
And these are your straight bucks.
571
00:22:51,374 --> 00:22:53,134
- Straight bucks?
- To make sure
572
00:22:53,135 --> 00:22:54,895
you'll spend your money
like a straight guy.
573
00:22:55,109 --> 00:22:57,100
A Tommy Bahama gift card?
574
00:22:57,101 --> 00:23:00,106
How am I gonna spend 6 grand
at Tommy fucking Bahama?
575
00:23:00,242 --> 00:23:02,031
These are my new MD plates?
576
00:23:02,056 --> 00:23:05,092
"I'm an MD, I cure gays,
and I believe in Jesus."
577
00:23:05,266 --> 00:23:07,085
Those anti-Semitic fucks!
578
00:23:07,110 --> 00:23:08,491
You can't put that on your car.
579
00:23:08,516 --> 00:23:11,125
Of course I'm not gonna put it
on my car, are you kidding?
580
00:23:11,150 --> 00:23:12,610
Trish!
581
00:23:13,401 --> 00:23:14,569
Hi...
582
00:23:15,102 --> 00:23:16,771
What are you doing here?
583
00:23:16,772 --> 00:23:18,351
Boat permit.
584
00:23:19,038 --> 00:23:20,687
Trish.
585
00:23:20,712 --> 00:23:22,493
You did come here to seduce Matthew
586
00:23:22,518 --> 00:23:24,438
for Six Pence None the
Gayer, didn't you?
587
00:23:24,761 --> 00:23:26,963
Yes, I was at first. But...
588
00:23:27,367 --> 00:23:29,586
Then I got in too deep.
589
00:23:30,393 --> 00:23:32,226
That's what he said!
590
00:23:37,711 --> 00:23:39,881
Three hours at fucking Tommy Bahama.
591
00:23:39,944 --> 00:23:41,632
Finally I just bought this shirt
592
00:23:41,657 --> 00:23:43,827
just so the salesman
would leave me alone.
593
00:23:43,852 --> 00:23:46,083
And I compromised integrity I don't have
594
00:23:46,108 --> 00:23:47,735
to be on a show that'll never air.
595
00:23:47,869 --> 00:23:49,747
Plus, I'm still on the WAWA Blacklist.
596
00:23:49,935 --> 00:23:52,195
That's totally fucked up.
We did the wrong thing,
597
00:23:52,220 --> 00:23:53,388
and we still got nothing.
598
00:23:53,518 --> 00:23:56,111
Maybe it's time to stop
trying to cheat the system.
599
00:23:56,136 --> 00:23:58,878
Yeah. At a certain age, cutting the line
600
00:23:58,903 --> 00:24:00,463
just becomes a nasty look.
601
00:24:00,559 --> 00:24:03,313
Let's discuss this further
over some Cajun Poke Balls.
602
00:24:03,494 --> 00:24:05,205
All right.
603
00:24:08,334 --> 00:24:10,385
Hey, assholes!
604
00:24:10,497 --> 00:24:12,189
Why are you here with another rat?
605
00:24:12,277 --> 00:24:15,407
Are you striking against the
strikers, you sons of bitches?
606
00:24:15,514 --> 00:24:17,727
Hey, look, the scabs have a scab rat.
607
00:24:18,025 --> 00:24:19,987
No, we are not.
608
00:24:20,898 --> 00:24:22,877
- We're balloon fetishists.
- Yeah.
609
00:24:22,973 --> 00:24:24,150
We're balloon fetishists.
610
00:24:24,175 --> 00:24:26,679
We are sexually stimulated
by popping balloons.
611
00:24:27,109 --> 00:24:29,439
- In public.
- In front of unions.
612
00:24:29,557 --> 00:24:32,946
Who we thought... had resolved
this situation already.
613
00:24:32,971 --> 00:24:34,965
- Yeah.
- Then prove it.
614
00:24:35,599 --> 00:24:38,252
Pop your Strike Rat in front of us.
615
00:24:38,864 --> 00:24:41,877
Well, she can't because...
I'm gonna come.
616
00:24:41,902 --> 00:24:43,807
- Me, too.
- We're both gonna come.
617
00:24:43,957 --> 00:24:45,588
We're gonna come right on the street,
618
00:24:45,657 --> 00:24:47,033
and no one wants to see that.
619
00:24:47,206 --> 00:24:48,853
I don't care.
620
00:24:48,911 --> 00:24:51,832
Pop. That. Rat.
621
00:24:51,919 --> 00:24:54,506
Pop. That. Rat.
622
00:24:54,531 --> 00:24:56,159
Pop that rat!
623
00:24:56,471 --> 00:24:58,528
- Pop that rat!
- I'm sorry, Strikey.
624
00:24:58,553 --> 00:25:00,364
Pop that rat!
625
00:25:12,864 --> 00:25:17,864
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