All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S02E05

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Julie, Billy.

We love a list here at Buzzlist,

so I hope you guys have plenty

for your two-week trial
here as guest bloggers.

Oh, don't worry, we're
bursting with lists.

"7 Ways to Cook Bacon in the '90s."

"21 Ways to Tell That You're Introvert

Who Won't Shut Up About Being
an Introvert on Social Media."

"5 Ways to Kill Yourself After Posting

Your 'I'm an Introvert' Quiz Results."

You guys will fit in great here.

No one's ever said that to us. Ever.

Ever. I get a full-time job here,

I can finally quit the cafe.

And I can finally quit
that shitty day job

I keep pretending I'm gonna get.

Two weeks of list-making and quizzes

and then we get a full-time job?

My immigrant grandparents
would be appalled.

Perfect.

Now, so you guys might be asked

to write sponsored posts,

which we pepper into our regular lists

for, you know, sneaky advertising.

Oh, that sounds ethical.

If people really care so much

about violating their privacy,
why are they on Facebook?

Idiots.

So right now they are
working on a sponsored post

for Showtime, which is called

"6 Things to Look Forward
to on Showtime This Year."

They found six things?

Yeah, apparently Ray Donovan

is getting a new hat,

and they've begun a casting search

for a companion series to "The Affair."

- Ooh, a casting search.
- I'm gonna make a list

of eight shows I'm never gonna watch,

and all eight are "The Affair."

I love how that show is so well written,

and yet it manages to be so boring.

Cable providers should change their name

to "Let's Waste Mare Winningham."

Hey, you're allowed to
bring a bunny to work?

Oh, yeah, all service
animals are welcome here.

That's amazing news, 'cause I have two.

Three if you count Tootsie Rolls.

Here's your new office.

Pen cap, you know that
money conversation we had?

Oh, fuck, you got the AmEx bill.

- I can explain.
- No, it's not the AmEx bill.

Oh, great, never mind.

Money talk over. Beep Boop.
Transmission ended.

- Now will you make dinner?
- Actually,

I think I've come up with a solution

that could save us a
substantial amount in taxes.

There you go. I knew you could do it.

Oh, how about waffles for dinner?

I was thinking, we could register...

- Oh, no.
- As...

- Ah, bup-bup-bup-bup...
- Domestic partners.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

- Why not?
- No.

Because, Arthur, it's square
and it sounds complicated

and paperwork and official and...

don't rock the boat.

You're trying to tame a wild horse.

I gotta see the world, man.

The world? You don't
even get off the couch

to have dinner.

You know what intrigues me?

The last word of your sentence just now.

Dinner.

We have some serious financial concerns.

Well, Billy and I are about
to be permanently hired,

and Showtime is casting for a new series

that I just heard about today,

So stop acting all cranky

like Martin Sheen being forced
to play a gay guy on that show.

This isn't a joke, Julie.

- Do you hear me?
- Yes.

- It's not a joke.
- I know.

- And you know what?
- What?

Neither is "Grace and Frankie."

- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- You could learn something

from that show. It has a lot of heart.

Cook your own dinner!

How?

Sorry, not tonight, man.

Not tonight what?

We have enough bears inside.

Bears? I am way too fit to be a bear.

Well, you're too old to be a cub.

Well, then I'm Kissyfur.

I'm the teen bear, so...

Teen? Girl, please.

- And you're not a wolf.
- If you were a wolf,

- we'd let you in.
- Definitely.

We're also always looking
for otters and jackals.

Oh, jackals are a thing now?

Yeah, they're blond wolves

with a tan and a good laugh.

Well, then what am I?

I mean, sort of nothing.

Yeah, nothing.

Maybe try the piano bar down the street.

The piano bar? Fuck you.

Excuse me.

Cubs, wolves, otters, excuse me.

Old McDonald had a
fucking farm out here!

What's going on here?

Sorry, nobody's getting in tonight.

Are... are you kidding me?

The whole building is quarantined.

Ebola scare.

Ebola?

Excuse me? Ebola?

Well, wh... what is this, 2014?

That's a good one.

Now get outta here.

Ebola?

Yeah.

There's Ebola in my apartment.

So then I got to spend a magical night

at my brother's house. I
swear they keep it at,

like, 153 degrees in there.

And I'm so sorry I didn't
hear the phone ring

last night when you called.

That new sleep apnea mask

really makes a racket, but it's worth it

to finally feel like a
cyborg elephant at night.

- Would you say I'm a bear?
- You?

No, I always thought
of you more as a wolf,

but, like, in a Wolfman
Jack kind of way.

I don't fit into a single animal type

on the entire Noah's
Ark of gay hipsters.

Okay, Buzzlisters.

Tourism Connecticut has
commissioned a list

of "The 9 Most Disgusting
Things in New York City."

- Go.
- Uh, hot dog water.

Uh, Mario Batali's scooter seat.

Yeah, that's good.

Holy shit, Billy, I got
the Showtime audition.

- Amazing.
- Yeah, apparently some slots

opened up last minute this afternoon

because in L. A., people read the sides,

fell asleep at the wheel, and died.

"The 10 Best Beer and
Candle Combinations."

Write that down.

They just said, "Remember,

"this is premium cable.

Adjust your performance accordingly."

What does that mean?

Maybe... not American?

Oh, right, of course,
'cause all those actors are

English or Australian
trying to sound American,

like, with those hard Rs.

So maybe you try to sound Australian

- trying to sound American.
- Yes, brilliant.

I guess I'll bring the dogs with me.

They've already been banned
from the service animal area

for eating that poor girl's rabbit.

If it's any consolation,

just know that basset hounds
were bred to hunt rabbits,

which, I'm not gonna lie,

I find a little charming.

And this is Julie Kessler and friends.

Oh, service dogs. Ah,
sometimes I wish I was a dog

so I could just eat out
of a bowl on the floor.

So the show is called "Tryst."

It's a companion piece to "The Affair."

Fun coinky-dink, turns
out my third husband

was having an affair
with my second husband.

Now the two are getting married

and I'm living with my parents again

in Staten Island.

I have news. I'm cancer free.

I'm still gonna go to chemo

every so often just to
keep up portion control.

- Whenever you're ready.
- Okay.

Mm, mm-mm-mm.

Well,
hello there, stranger.

Although I'm hardly a
stranger since I live here.

Oh, my God, you're Alison's sister.

I am more than Alison's sister.

I'm also her care taker,

and her avenger.

I had no idea.

No idea about what, I wonder?

That she has a sister named Heather

who loves her with all her heart?

Okay, thank you very much.

You should feel very proud

- of yourself.
- Mm-hmm.

I do.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Okay, good-bye now.

- Was she retar...
- Oh, we don't

use that word anymore.

But, yes, I think so.

Aw, she tried so hard to
sound out all the words.

God's simple angel.

Ugh, I thought she had a full face,

but I didn't know if it
was like Corky full.

The part wasn't even written
for someone mentally disabled.

I know, and she has her
little disability doggies.

I could cry.

If Ed's leaving me for Shane
hadn't left me so numb.

- My feet are numb.
- Ugh, we should see

if they can't write
her in a little part.

I mean, wouldn't it be nice to have

a disabled person on an episode?

And wouldn't it be nice if
you didn't keep marrying

your gay father over and over again,

waiting for him to leave you? Ha!

Who's our next actress?

Ugh.

No, stop bringing me
things I don't want.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Bad dogs.

Arthur?

Arthur! JULIE: It's okay.

Nobody panic. Everything's fine.

Julie, what the fuck is happening?

- Wh...
- Wh... what are you...

- what's on your face?
- Oh.

I forgot I was wearing
my sleep apnea mask.

What's he doing?

Oh, yeah, he does this.

Arthur sleep-cooks
sometimes when he's angry.

- Sleep-cooking?
- Oh, my God, look.

The dogs are bringing you their toys.

Yeah, they keep bringing me

little things I don't
want over and over again.

It's like a fucking Dim
Sum restaurant in here.

- How do I make it stop?
- Oh, it doesn't stop,

but the good news is, it
means that they like you

or they're protecting me. I'm not sure.

Either way, it's gonna happen all night.

God, what is he doing?

- He must be really angry.
- I told him today

I didn't want to be domestic partners.

Oh, shit, hold on.

No, no, no. Nope, Arthur, come with me.

Preston Sturges is in the bedroom.

- Oh.
- He wants to talk to you

about making another movie.

Is Barbara Stanwyck available?

I think she's under
contract at the studio.

Barbara Stanwyck is dead!

- More coffee, Marilyn?
- No, honey,

but you look like you could use some.

No offense,

but with your puffy eyes and pale skin,

you look a little like Julie.

Yeah, I got kicked out of my
building for a few nights,

ended up having to crash at Julie's.

Oh, that filthy den of drink and dogs?

I don't think so.

Why don't you come stay with me?

- Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
- Oh, nonsense.

Oh, you could stay in Julie's old room.

I just use it to store all
my old "maybe" shoes.

Holy shit! I got the part...

In "Tryst."

Well, not the part, but a part.

Finally, something.

The casting director
said I was so special,

they wrote a role just for
me, but here's the thing,

I'm actually kind of freaked out

because doing that accent
I did in the audition

was harder than I thought.

I'm just worried that now
that I have the part

I'm gonna do my Australian
accent when I'm not on camera

and my Australian-pretend-
to-be-American accent on camera

and I'm just gonna fuck
up and give myself away.

Not even Cate Blanchett
could keep track of that.

I'll stay in character the whole time.

Oh, yeah, perfect. Ow.

Oh, Billy.

Your neck. Is that from my couch?

You didn't sleep at all last night,

did you? That is true,

and that is why he's staying with me.

Julie, I love you,

but between the clinging and
clanging of pots and pans

and the incessant howling all night,

it was like listening to
Rachel Ray have an orgasm.

I need to get some sleep.

That's right and you will.

See you at home, roomie.

- Isn't this a treat?
- Mm-hmm.

I hope Julie doesn't mind
I'm wearing her pajamas.

I'm sure it'll be fine, but, wow,

a sweat suit my daughter
wore when she was 12

fits an adult male in his 20s.

You think I look like
I'm in my 20s, really?

28 tops. We could be siblings.

- How was the shower?
- Oh, my God, it was amazing.

I forget what actual water
pressure feels like.

Mm-hmm, because I had Julie's
father take the water regulators

off the shower heads.
Kiss my ass, environment.

I need my me time. I totally agree.

- Right?
- I mean, I don't give a shit

that there's a drought in California.

We live in New York. If Katy Perry wants

a sip of water so
badly, she should move.

I love having you here.

Shit.

Hello, hello,

hello... hello!

Hi, Julie, do you remember me?

The casting director!

I'm so happy to be here.

Well, I'm just here to make
sure that you get settled in.

Plus, ever since my
sponsor committed suicide

I'll take any reason to
get out of the house.

Why does everybody die?

Anyway,
what can I get for you?

Well, I'd never say not to cake

or an appetizer from my favorite eatery,

Outback Steakhouse.

That is adorable.

Everybody, this is our special guest,

Julie.

Welcome, Julie.

Wow, for people who work at Showtime,

you sure are a bunch of happy campers.

She has no filter.

Well, she can only speak from the heart,

but watch the mood swings.

- Marilyn...
- Mine is an open-door home.

What are you doing in here alone?

And before you can lie,

know that I can see
everything in that mirror.

I had Julie's father install that mirror

when she was journaling about me.

Taught myself how to read backwards.

She said some really nasty things.

Anyway, there are no
secrets in this house.

It's not a secret.

Mm-hmm. You sound just like Julie

when I used to catch her
stress-eating candy

she used to hide behind that headboard.

All right, you caught me.

I was on Tinder.

So, trolling online for some strange?

I guess you could say that.

Although the truth is I
probably fit in in this house

more than I fit in on here.

It's all about what group you fit into.

- Just bears and otters and...
- And jackals, oh, my.

- You know about jackals?
- Yeah.

They used to be called
hyenas, and then there was

some consensus about not wanting
to muddy the association

with Whoopi Goldberg's
role in "The Lion King."

Oh, that makes sense.

I treat a lot of gay men in my practice.

That's all they can talk about.

Well, that and how Ryan
Murphy even managed to ruin

Matt Bomer's ass and Lady Gaga.

Well, with Lady Gaga, she
didn't need much of a push.

You know what?

I think all those men
are jealous of you.

Oh, yeah, that's it. All
these 20-somethings

with eight-packs and perfect teeth,

they are dying to be me,
that's it, that's the problem.

Well, you know what the truth is?

You don't have to fit in with anyone,

because you have me.

Come downstairs, and let's
put on some VHS tapes

of old "Jenny Jones Shows," and
then we can laugh at her hair

and dumb questions.

Come on.

We'll make s'mores and hot cocoa.

Fun!

Ah, I feel like a Gilmore Girl.

Balloons!

Pretty balloons for sale!

Hello there. What's your name?

- Patches.
- Well, Patches,

I'll take two balloons
for two good friends

Alison and Noah.

Balloons are good for friends.

And cut.

That's a wrap on Julie!

I'll take those.

Great work, Julie. Here's a present.

"Patches"?

And this.

Oh.

- Knock knock.
- Who's there?

Julie, my name is Abby
and I work for Showtime.

- Nobody's perfect.
- You are a pistol.

Listen, I never come to
set to meet actresses

ever since Claire Danes threw
chili at me in Islamabad.

But I had to meet you.

I'm flattered.

Oh, God, look at that. So shiny.

Yeah, it's not chocolate, though...
I checked.

Julie, you were wonderful on our show.

To celebrate, we would all like
to take you to a special dinner.

I love dinner.

The wonderful wisdom.

Hey, how about we take you
to your favorite restaurant?

- Sure.
- And...

a reporter might be at dinner.

We haven't had anyone
like you on our show

and we want to let the world
know about our Julie!

I only had four lines.

And you said them all correctly,

and in more or less the right order,

so you deserve that medal.

Yeah!

I'll be right back with your drink.

An actual smile from the demon seed.

What's the occasion?

Did you find a prostitute
willing to take your virginity

for a couple of Metro cards?

You know, Matthew, normally I'd
say that when I look at you,

I think Santorum was
right when he compared

gay marriage to bestiality.

But today, I am in too good of a mood.

You do seem happier than usual.

Granted, that bar is set about as low

as the burning temperature of jet fuel.

So how can it melt steel beams?

Exactly. It can't.

Well, I finally found a
place where I belong.

Everywhere, you entitled white
cisgendered male piece of shit?

No, Julie's mom's house
on the Upper West Side.

Upper West Side. Ugh.

That's like the most boring,

milquetoast neighborhood in Manhattan.

It's the Drake of zip codes.

I don't care, because fuck the bears,

and fuck the otters, and fuck the wolves

and fuck Winnie the motherfucking Pooh!

What do animals have to do with this?

Oh, it's just how gay men
group each other into types.

Believe me, it was pretty
confusing to me too

when I first stopped
tapping my wife's pussy.

But you know, I caught on.

So, what's a bear?

A bear's like a big, fat, hairy gay guy

and then an otter's like
a thin, hairy gay guy.

Yeah, and a wolf is like
a tall, muscular bear

who just has to fuck
all the time, like me.

Okay, so what would I be?

- Black.
- What?

Are you serious?

Everyone else gets a fun animal.
That seems racist.

Only 'cause it is.

Well, gay or straight, you
know, everybody sucks.

That's what she said.

No, she didn't say that.

- Where is my Billy?
- Hi!

- Did I make Julie's bed wrong?
- Yes.

But I came because I bought
you some new clothes.

Who knows when you're gonna
get back into your building?

Marilyn! That is so sweet of you.

It's been a long time since
I had a mom shop for me.

Won't it be nice for you to
wear some shirts and pants

that are more flattering
to your problem areas?

- Problem areas?
- Exactly.

Let's run to the little boys' room,

and see what happens
when you start dressing

for your age and body type.

Hey! You brought my kitty suit!

Yeah. I found a wrapper
in one of the pockets.

Quite a blast from the past to
see the old logo for Chocodiles.

Hello again, old friend.

Hi, top two new bloggers.

Ah, that list
thing never gets old.

Why don't you settle
into your workstation?

- Are you ready?
- I-I've never been...

I'll never be ready.

Are you good? All right.

You got... And we're on.

- Okay, all right.
- Yeah.

I have a list that might be
of some interest to you.

- Another list?
- Mm-hmm.

"25 Reasons We Are Permanently

- Hiring Billy and Julie"!
- Oh, my God!

- Yes!
- Kayla, thank you so much!

- Thank you!
- Of course.

- Oh, my God!
- Thank you, seriously.

Now I don't have to
become domestic partners.

And I never have to see Matthew again!

I don't know what any of that means,

and sadly I can't stay to explore.

I have to go to a TV press
event dinner tonight

and I can't decide which Peter
Pan-collared baby doll dress

to shove my 46-year-old body into.

Bye. Good luck.

Billy, a steady paycheck.
Finally, a real steady paycheck.

I know I should feel
proud, but I just feel fat

and like I should apologize.

So I'm sorry. And I'm sorry I'm fat.

Oh, no. She's turned you into me.

Billy, you've been Marilyned.

No, it's actually been
great having a mom again.

Well, if you're choosing
a maternal figure,

I think you're making a big mistake.

She only loves her own
vision of who you could be.

But that person is so thin.

What Marilyn gives is conditional love.

Arthur's the opposite of Marilyn.

- His love is so unconditional...
- He cooks in his sleep.

He cooks in his sleep.

Shit.

I gotta hold on to him.

Yeah, you do.

And I gotta get out of Marilyn's house.

Yeah, you do.

My first real acting job on
TV and everyone's so nice!

- So you said.
- And now they're throwing me

a dinner after I'm wrapped?

Good for you, spray cheese.

Look, obviously you're
angry about the whole

domestic partners thing.

I'm not stupid, I'm just insensitive.

Are you apologizing?

No, I'm...

I'm compromising.

If you want to be domestic partners,

which clearly you do,

I'll do it.

Thank you.

Oh, but look out!

Hot dog water.

Number 2 most disgusting
thing about New York City.

I'll be right back with your
complimentary bread and shrimp.

Yum!

Sorry I'm in my kitty suit.

My party dress smells like hot dogs.

Bless your wooden head.

Is that the accent you've been doing?

Yeah, why?

It just sounds a little, mm, you know.

Julie, who's this handsome gentleman?

Oh, we live together.

Like an in-home aide?

You can say that again.

No, I'm her boyfriend.

Actually, domestic partner.

The point is he fucks her.

When she lets me.

Every man everywhere is awful.

Hey, guys, I'd like to propose a toast,

to our little Julie.

- Cheers.
- Look, Julie, they love you.

"Little," they said.

Julie!

Here are the new friends
I told you about...

the reporters who want to meet you.

This is our mentally disabled Julie.

- Mentally disabled?
- Julie?

It's that voice you were doing.

Wait a minute. Have you guys

only been nice to me
because you think I'm...

Wait, your voice changed.

Of course it changed.

I was pretending to be Australian

pretending to be American.

You are a vile human being!

Stealing a job from a
special needs actress?

What are you talking about?

You guys wrote that role just for me.

And besides, it didn't say anything

in the script about her being...

Your name was Patches
and you sold balloons.

Okay, well, now that I hear it out loud,

that's really offensive.

And it's not my fault
that being Australian

makes you sound special needs.

You bitch!

Get the fuck out of my steakhouse.

I'll miss this bed.

I learned to masturbate in that bed.

I'll miss this bed less.

Holy shit, Billy, look. From Kayla.

"Buzzlist's 21 Offensive Abominations

Julie Kessler Is Still Worse Than."

- Congrats!
- Thanks!

Oh, my God, you beat Jar-Jar.

I finally arrived.

Just in time to be shown the door.

- Sorry I got us fired.
- That's okay.

Here's the thing. We're
destined to be stars.

Real stars, not list-makers.

Maybe the lesson in all of this is that

we can't wait for someone to label us.

Exactly, because the moment they do,

they'll assume that
you're mentally disabled.

Yeah, or worse, nothing at all.

I'm a wolf. You are a wolf.

Billy, hi...

Oh, of course.

Another one leaves you.

Thanks a lot and out with the garbage.

Marilyn, thank you so much

for making me feel like I belong here,

but yeah, I gotta go.

I'm just gonna stay at my brother's

until my building gives
me the all-clear.

Well, you'll be back.

Ask your sister.

I mean, Julie.

Read me another Buzzlist as Patches.

Certainly, friend for life.

"Number 1, hot dog water."

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